August 2013, Issue 11
25+ Inspirational Parenting Stories
Raising Humanity Consciously
Part 1: Special Issue for Parenting 2.0
August 2013, Issue 11
CONTENTS
Raising Humanity Consciously Better Consciousness, Better Results page # 9
The Silent War You are Accountable
page # 10
By Marlaine Cover
Unconditional Love Looking Beyond Failures
page # 12
By Dr. Asa Don Brown
The Best Gift Believe in Your Child
page # 14
By Celine Clemence
Unfamiliar Truths Build Successful Family Legacy
page # 16
By Ezechiel Bambolo, Jr.
Developing Intelligence Strengthen Cognitive Skills
page # 18
By Betsy Hill 2
August 2013, Issue 11
CONTENTS
The Seeds for Parenting Preparing to Thrive
page # 20
By Elly Taylor
Strong is the New Beautiful A World of Children Who Stand Up
page # 22
By Dione Marie Becker
Growth as a Parent Letting Children Live with Struggle
page # 24
By Harriet Cabelly
4 Steps to Inner Peace Even if You Live with Teens
page # 26
By Ray Erickson, LCSW
Transmit the “What” Let Your Kids Figure Out the “How”
page # 28
By Diana Dentinger
Christmas Gifts It’s Summer ... What’s Your Plan? By Jean A. Harris
page # 30 3
August 2013, Issue 11
CONTENTS
Be a “7” Measure Up to Yourself
page # 32
By Tom Krause
Hidden Truths Amusing Anecdotes about Parenting
page # 34
By Ohad Ouziel
Parenting Wise Learning to Parent New Babies
page # 36
By Kim Brickwood
The Special Child Teacher The Disability is not in the Spirit
page # 38
By Scott Hammond
3 Creative Tips Your Child’s Future Competitive Advantage
page # 40
By Fionn Wright
Parents Are Anchors Be the Calm in the Wake of Bullying By Dee Di Gioia
page # 42 4
August 2013, Issue 11
CONTENTS
Active Listening Listen For Their Feelings during Stressful Times
page # 44
By Allison Dracha
What’s the Hurry When’s the Right Time to Send Kids Off
page # 46
By Diana Dentinger
Change Your Ways How “Alma” Builds Children’s Character
page # 48
By Andrea Camacho
Smart & Gifted Kids They Can Be Funny Too!
page # 50
By Erika Stroh, MA
Reality Parenting As Not Seen on TV
page # 52
By Treion Muller
What Went Wrong? Understanding the Energy of Relationships By Alan Wilson
page # 54 5
August 2013, Issue 11
CONTENTS
Flourishing or Floundering Prevent Mental Health Problems
page # 56
By Daniel Trussell, Ph.D.
U Know Better Peace in the Digital World
page # 58
By Hannah Masters
Parenting Consciously Think Bigger About Who Kids Are
page # 60
By Ilene Dillon, MSW
Personal Finance 101 Easy Lessons at Swim Class
page # 62
By Radhika Raigarhia
Free Subscription Inner Peace Parenting Magazine
page # 63
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FROM THE EDITOR
August 2013, Issue 11
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FEEDBACK Your feedback is welcome. This is your magazine too. Let us know what would help you find inner peace in parenting your children. Contact Inner Peace Parenting Magazine Magazine Privacy Policy
A hot Summer finally arrived in Italy. I love Summer. The heat, the sun, the long nights... I don’t enjoy the mosquitoes though nor do I like the exodus traffic and long lines at the toll booths to get down to the Mediterranean Sea. Just like most things in life, there are some things that you like and other things that you don’t. It’s the same way with parenting. Taking your kids to the movies could be really fun or building a sand castle together on the beach too. But those sleepless nights with them teething or with the flu could be a real drag. When you are aware of what you love, then you can consciously energize it with positive emotions to keep your enthusiasm high and permeate the vibes and moods of others.
Copyright 2012 Diana Dentinger Inner Peace Parenting Magazine Sviluppo CCT sas - Italy All rights reserved under the International and Pan American Copyright Conventions. Reproduction in whole or part is prohibited without written permission from the publisher. The publisher assumes no responsibility for the unsolicited materials.
Diana Dentinger Editor in Chief
The same is true though when you are aware of what you don’t like! Instead of getting irritated about things, and before complaining in front of your kids... energize these too with positive emotions. That way you show them that there is no reason to get your feathers ruffled. That things can be handled in a pleasant way, even if they aren’t your favorite activities. In this way you influence them to maintain a positive attitude, find solutions and shift their focus to the things they love. Remember, we only remember events that are charged with strong emotions, either super joy, love and surprise, or even super sadness, fear, or anger. Have your kids remember more times with you filled with the positive emotions. This month is all about the Global Ambassadors who share their personal experiences and how they made a conscious shift to find positive emotions, live a better life and become better parents. Enjoy!
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The August 2013 Contributors
HOLDING HANDS IN SERVICE SUPPORTING YOU & YOUR LOVED ONES
More about the 100+ Global Ambassadors
h"p://paren*ng2pt0.org/the-‐global-‐presence/the-‐global-‐presence-‐ambassadors/
PEACE IN CREATION
Raising Humanity Consciously The Thoughts & the Things are One By Diana Dentinger
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Things are created by your own consciousness. When your consciousness is different then you get different results, even by taking the same actions. Instead of asking yourself “What can I do”, ask “What do I need to become conscious of?” Change your consciousness first. This has a positive effect on your actions.
Diana Dentinger As a neurobiology therapist, Diana Dentinger has studied both both psychology and behavior based on emotional memory stored in the middle brain. She created the Change Your Game Formula as the primary tool she uses to help parents understand the essence of their children. She offers complimentary consultations: www.parentbynumbers.com/session/
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PEACE IN LIFE SKILLS
The Silent War You are Accountable By Marlaine Cover
In the spring of 1992 I awoke one morning to find myself in a hospital bed with my hands and feet wrapped in leather restraints. Just nine months prior, I completed graduate school with a 4.0. Call me a slow learner but, that was the day I realized living up to other’s expectations did not deliver success. The challenge I faced was finding the answer to the question - what did? "Like me, you could... be unfortunate enough to stumble upon a silent war. The trouble is that once you see it, you can't unsee it. And once you've seen it, keeping quiet, saying nothing, becomes as political an act as speaking out. Either way, you're accountable." The greatest war - the one that delivers the most deaths and human suffering around the planet daily - is not waged on battlefields. It is in our homes, on our streets, in our companies.
We send children to school for years to learn math and even music their parents may not know, but when it comes to the arguably more critical arena of interpersonal communication skills and children struggle on playgrounds absent formal education, we call them names and punish them. The mandatory curriculum facing every human being on this planet - regardless of gender, economics or geography - is communing with others.
Tragically, while societies around the globe wholesale ignore teaching children the interpersonal communication skills central to success, we routinely prepare adults to respond to crisis: law enforcement, military, psychiatrists, therapists, lawyers. Is this not like telling people to jump in the cockpit of a 747 absent proactive education and cleaning up crash sites? If a child struggles with math we say “the math” is difficult. When children struggle with Life Skills - financial management, diet and exercise, conflict resolution we say “the child” is difficult. Why? Media headlines provide our report card daily: Financial collapse, poverty, identity theft, starvation, exponential increases in Type II diabetes, bullying/ divorce/ wars. Take any societal problem and you will find its roots in an inferior educational process. How loud must humanity scream before we begin to do things differently? Parenting is the hardest and most important job on the planet and it warrants greater appreciation, support and preparation.
It is time to support those serving on the front lines raising humanity as valiantly as we support those in battle. It is time to retire the impossibly impoverished paradigm “children learn what they live” and embrace the wisdom of third party educators for Life Skills. It is time to recognize that just as a first grader learning addition is not "bad" and a tenth grader learning calculus "good," neither are human beings learning to thrive individually and commune optimally with others. Every adult - whether a parent or not has a role in raising humanity. We can pay taxes for jails and wars and disparage those struggling, or we can be courageous ourselves and nurture a new more proactive and compassionate educational paradigm for Life Skills. This is the commitment of Parenting 2.0. a LinkedIn Parenting Group. People around the world are already benefiting from the wisdom of Parenting 2.0. The Life Skills P20 promotes don’t just give children wings to fly, they support everything children need to make the world a better place.
Marlaine Cover Marlaine Paulsen Cover is the creator of the Life Skills Report Card, Author of Kissing the Mirror: Raising Humanity in the Twenty-first Century, and Founder of the Parenting 2.0 Social Consciousness movement. http://parenting2pt0.org
PEACE IN LOVE
Unconditional Love Looking Beyond Failures By Dr. Asa Don Brown
As parents we are the ultimate models of forgiveness and self-love. I myself have had to learn the benefits of unconditional love. It was through my experience of working with young children and those with physical and mental challenges that I became aware of this inherent concept. It was through the innocence of these individuals that I gained an enriched awareness of this vital concept. These individuals have proven some of my greatest teachers, they always offered unconditional love to those they encountered. As a clinician, I have encountered individuals who say they love their children unconditionally, but revert to spewing hateful and self-deprecating messages towards themselves. Despite a parent始s best effort to mask messages, children have an ability of interpreting these messages that we say unto ourselves. Parents seldom consider the messages that are internally contained.
We think that such messages will never be interpreted or known unto our children and/or others. We think our self-defeating and negative messages are only internally experienced and known, but the truth is, our selfdefeating, self-deprecating messages are instruments that are trumpeted throughout our personal lives. Personal love and forgiveness are echoed throughout our lives. They are reflected not only through how we see ourselves, but how we see others. If I unconditionally love myself, then I am sending forth a message that I am greater than my failures and life mistakes.
If I genuinely love myself unconditionally, then I will love my child with the same abundance of love. Unconditional love knows no wrongs and keeps no records of these errors in life. It is unconditional love that allows for our mistakes and errors in life to be expelled from our life. Furthermore, if I say that I love my children unconditionally, but have not offered myself unconditionally love, then how do I know that I love my children unconditionally? Unconditional love begins within our person. It is the unconditional love within our person that is capable of offering unconditional love unto others. Unconditional love says there is no insurmountable mountain, too great that cannot be overcome. If we say we love another unconditionally, then the love we hold for another will never fail. Unconditional love is not bound to expectations. If I expect someone to fulfill a particular deed or action, linking it to love, then I have not offered unconditional love. Unconditional love is not bound to expectations. It is the ability to offer love that says: I will accept you and forgive you for whatever negative or positive you may offer.
Children are capable of expressing unconditional love. Children are not interested in clinging to their own past failures or mistakes. A childʼs zeal is not contained in how he/ she made a human life error, rather it is in the present moment of life. It is only when we begin to “mature” that we cling to the wrongs of our own person and the wrongs of others. Such clinging is leverage that allows us to shout out, “see I told you this person would fail” or “I knew that I could not overcome this obstacle.” Unconditional love looks beyond our failures and the failures of others. It does not interpret and/or associate a personʼs worthiness with their positive or negative achievements. Unconditional love is the ultimate tool for living life in a productive, healthy, and mature way.
Dr. Asa Don Brown Dr. Asa Don Brown, Ph.D., C.C.C., N.C.C.M. Author, Speaker, Professor, Clinician, and Advocate asadonbrown.com
PEACE IN LISTENING
The Best Gift Believe in Your Children By Celine Clemence
A few months after our son started his university studies in Canada, he told us he didn’t like what he was doing and wasn’t going to continue. He thought Political Science was for him but he actually realized it wasn’t. Because he was new in this new and cold country, and was starting a new life on his own far away from us, and we tried to convince him that very soon everything would be Ok. I then decided to talk with him every day to encourage him to finish his program and graduate because this was the best thing he could do.
But this didn’t help. He kept telling us he wanted to change. At the end of the first year, during one of our conversations, he told me the University was about to kick him out because he failed to get the GPA required in his program. He had two weeks to fix that. I convinced him he could do it, and he did it. We thought this great achievement would make him embrace our point of view. But at the end of his second year at the University, he told us he wasn’t happy with this life we were forcing him to live, and that he wanted to pursue his dream of becoming a movie actor. We had already spent a lot of money on his studies and thought it wasn’t reasonable of him to sweep it away like that. We told him we would stop paying his studies and giving him money to sustain himself if he decided to change at this point.
He calmly told us he was ready to take responsibility of his decision and that he was only sad of one thing: we never believed in him. He then added: “The best gift you can offer me is to believe in me”. This killed us. In our struggle to reason with him, we forgot to listen to our son. Or let’s say, we were listening to him not to understand what he was desperately trying to tell us, but to judge and push our own agenda.
Listen to your children, carefully, deeply, with your body, mind and soul, because these teenagers have things to say and share if we dare to listen. Things that matter for them. If they change their mind, let them know it’s all right, you will always love them and will never give up on them no matter what mistakes they make. And encourage and help them follow and achieve their dreams because this is about their lives, not yours.
He is a very polite young man who deeply loves his parents and would prefer to die instead of upsetting them. So, it wasn’t easy for him to share this thought with us. We were broken and remorseful. But we learned and adjusted. Today our son is happily and successfully pursuing his dream. Why this story? Because I don’t want you to make the same mistake.
Celine Clemence Celine Clemence MAGNECHE NDE SIKA is a Life Skills & Family Coach and Social Entrepreneur who empowers African parents to successfully address today’s parenting challenges. She lives in Nairobi, Kenya. Visit her at: celinesika.wordpress.com
PEACE IN TRUTH
Unfamiliar Truths Build Successful Family Legacy By Ezechiel “Zeke” Bambolo, Jr.
“Successful Family Legacy” is the comprehensive solution to the structural breakdown of society caused by the growing number of broken families. As a father and important community leader, Eli chose to engage in passive parenting of his sons Hophni and Phinehas. The sons’ grave abuse of Eli’s position and legacy saw them repeatedly take advantage of the people he led. Eli refused to impose strong consequences upon his sons for their behavior. His only response appeared to be conversations which carried no weight or merit. The evidence was his son’s refusal to obey his words or correct their behaviors. When a behavioral concern is brought before some parents regarding their children, they expect a mere conversation is sufficient as oppose to a more decisive and necessary approach.
These parents choose the proverbial “look the other way” response. Eli’s behavior resulted in the lost lives of his sons, himself, and consequently his legacy or family lineage.
Passive parents produce a generation of tyrants and selfish adults. Overprotective parents produce a generation of socially and intellectually handicapped adults. There has to be a balance of authoritative engagement on the part of parents, and an embrace of submissive responsibility on the part of children. Here’s an observation. When it is time to lose weight we seek out a personal trainer or a diet regimen. The necessity of that decision lies in the need for structure, on-going evaluation, and accountability through the process. We write a business plan at the beginning of a promising venture for the benefit of clarity regarding the structure and purpose we pursue.
Those words, especially to our mother who expected a stricter response, were “Let the children shoulder (handle) their problems.” He created an environment to teach personal responsibility and accountability amongst his children. Although memorable when dealt, his direct disciplinary actions was a last resort if we refused to correct our behaviors. Today in my home the common phrase is “Bambolos behave …”, or “Bambolos don’t cheat or lie.” As early as three years old our children begin to repeat that phrase and take ownership of the fact that family responsibility and unity supersedes personal happiness. We are committed to conduct ourselves in a manner which honors the family.
Do we have a similar vehicle for creating our successful family now, and ushering our legacy to future generations?
Such a conviction must be first consistently demonstrated by husband and wife, mother and father, or adult leadership.
My siblings and I vividly remember my father’s words in our moments disobedience or errors.
Start today and implement a “statement of identity and vision”, a social legacy for your family.
Ezechiel Bambolo, Jr. Ezechiel “Zeke” Bambolo, Jr. is an author and speaker with a family development focus. His family endured incredible hardship during the 14-year Liberian civil war. zeke@thefirstbornson.com http://thefirstbornson.net/activities/family-legacy-seminar/ Parenting 2.0 Global Ambassador: Seattle, WA
PEACE OF MIND
Developing Intelligence Strengthen Cognitive Skills By Betsy Hill
As parents, we want our children to be successful in life - to do better than we ourselves have done. But we may look at their academic performance, or their social relationships, or their initiative and wonder how we can help them along that path. First, here are a few questions to ask yourself: - How good are you at focusing on something you’re working on and ignoring things that are going on around you? And how good is your child? - Can you actually see an image when I read these words, “There’s a giraffe with fuzzy bunny slippers?” Can your child? - When you were in school, did you have a hard time taking notes and listening to the teacher talk at the same time? Does your child? - Do you know exactly what is at the bottom of their backpack or purse? Does your child?
These may seem like odd questions, because you may think - as many people do - that these are just things that people are good at - or not good at. The truth, however, is that these abilities are processes that our brains use to take in and manage the information in the world around us. These processes are called cognitive skills.
For example, focusing on something requires a cognitive skill called selective attention and staying focused requires sustained attention. Maybe you’ve never thought about whether there were different kinds of attention! Seeing a picture of a giraffe wearing bunny slippers involves a process called visualization. Taking notes puts a skill called working memory to the test.
Here are three tips for developing your child’s intelligence: 1. Brain-training programs like BrainWare SAFARI www.MyBrainWare.com have been shown to improve cognitive skills by over 4 years in 12 weeks. In choosing a brain-training program, make sure it has published research showing the effects and make sure to use it as recommended.
As to what’s at the bottom of your backpack or purse… that brings together a series of planning, visualization, and organization skills.
2. Ask your child to explain something they’re learning in school to you. One of the best ways to learn something is to teach it. Ask questions that get them to elaborate and relate the topic to things in their daily life.
When we think about how our brains process information, the word “intelligence” often comes up. It turns out that intelligence is not one thing. It is about a whole slew of cognitive skills that our brains have - to a greater or lesser degree - and how those skills work together.
3. Help your child understand that we develop our own brains as we interact with the environment. This understanding, sometimes referred to as a growth mindset and is a key factor in motivation and resilience, as well as developing those all-important cognitive skills. http://www.mindsetonline.com
One of the most important things to understand about these skills is that we can develop and strengthen them. In the same way we can build physical strength and flexibility, we can train our brains to have stronger and more flexible processing capabilities.
Betsy Hill Betsy Hill is president and COO of Learning Enhancement Corporation. She is actively engaged in teaching, presenting and educating on the implications of neuroscience in education. (Chicago, IL)
PEACE IN SUPPORT
The Seeds for Parenting Preparing to Thrive By Elly Taylor
Janet and Tom are sitting in front of me and my heart is singing. Planning to start a family soon, here they are pro-actively seeking advice to prepare their marriage. This foresight hasn’t come about easily. It’s the first time for Janet, but it will be Tom’s second family and he is doing everything in his power to do things differently this time around. Looking back, Tom is painfully aware of how unprepared he was for fatherhood the first time, the mistakes he made with his first family and the price he is still paying for them: a teenager who doesn’t speak with him. As a Relationship Counsellor, I am excited for this couple. For over fifteen years, I have observed a domino effect: that the less prepared a couple is for parenthood and the more problems they have in their relationship, the more difficulty there is adjusting to life with a baby, the more they need to put energy into just coping with the difficulties - and the less they have left over to be the best parents they are capable of being.
These families are also less likely to make it in the long run. But Janet and Tom have come to learn what makes a family thrive. Clear-eyed, they are anticipating the normal adjustments of two becoming three and how they might manage them. We are discussing the importance of gathering together a support system, different coping strategies, the need for simple, clear communication and that their fragile new-mother and new-father self-esteem will be in the hands of their partner and why it’s so important to support one another’s early parenting efforts. 20
We will also discuss the need for them to stay emotionally connected through the transition into family, as this reduces stress, minimizes conflict and decreases the risk of Postpartum Depression and family breakdown. Just as vitally, Janet and Tom will learn that the bond between them is the cornerstone in the foundations of their new family.
Because being able to meet the expectations of ourselves and of our partner is the beginning of adjusting the expectations we will have of our child. The emotional intelligence we develop as partners will serve us well as parents. Developing self-control when we are angry or frustrated with our partner is good preparation for teaching our toddler to channel theirs. Communicating our needs assertively to a partner gives us the ability to help our child find their own words when it’s their turn to voice them. It’s only a short step from nurturing a partner’s self-esteem to nurturing a child’s. This is what I want every parent to know: our relationship with our partner is our training ground for parenting. The seeds are sewn in the very same soil. I am excited for the new family Janet and Tom will grow.
Elly Taylor Elly Taylor is an Australian relationship counsellor, researcher and columnist who writes for Australia’s largest selling parenting magazine, Practical Parenting. Her first book, Becoming Us, Eight Steps to Grow a family that Thrives will be released internationally soon. Elly lives in Sydney with her gorgeous firefighter husband, their three children and a menagerie of pets. 21
PEACE IN STRENGTH
Strong is the New Beautiful A World of Children who Stand Up By Dione Marie Becker
It’s the hard times in life that make us build character, making us much stronger people. But, how can we teach our children to learn from history and hard times the world has already experienced?
“We make men without chests and expect from them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honor and are shocked to find traitors in our midst.”
Do hard lessons need to be experienced personally to truly understand them?
C.S. Lewis provokes thought on what the next generation will become without proper guidance of character development.
How can parents teach lessons of hardship through activities that develop noble charter traits this world needs children to possess? “I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles.” Audrey Hepburn
What a beautiful, brilliant woman!! Can the next generation learn the important lessons Audrey Hepburn communicated through her excellent example? How can parents place importance on the delicate development of a child’s selfesteem rather than egos?
C.S. Lewis
In the 5th grade I had a bully. Like all bullies she was mean, full of tormenting techniques designed to make me feel terrible and terrified. Finally, my mother caught on after my continued complaints of fakes illnesses and begging to stay home, so we had a chat.
It didn’t surprise me when said she’d be taking me to class. But, shockingly she said: “You’re going to school to Stand up for Yourself, even if that means a Fight with Your Bully!” What!? Fight my bully?? No way!! I wanted an easy way out!! I wanted the Principal and Teachers to end it. Then my mother sternly advised there was nothing the bully could do to damage me forever, except continue to bully me. She taught me a few “defensive fight strategies” showing me where the dangerous spots to stand would be, helping me understand the distance I needed between my face and the bullies punches to stay safe, then she dropped me off at school. My bully, antagonizing and “ready to go” my heart pounding, I looked at her and said: “I am Not Afraid of You, let’s fight!” Stunned by her response: “I don’t want to fight you”. WHAT!!?? She had been tormenting me for months and all I had to do was Stand Up for MYSELF!! Our children need to be taught proper skill sets to protect the self-esteem.
Our children need to be taught proper skill sets to protect the self-esteem. Parents have the tremendous responsibility of teaching their children right from wrong. It’s vital to place importance on selfesteem and teach it is noble and right to stand up for yourself. Without it how will they become productive members in society functioning fully in communities? It’s true when children witness children defending themselves it becomes contagious. I believe that is what the world really needs children standing up for nobility, dignity and graciousness.
Dione Marie Becker Dione Becker, Mother, Wife and Business Woman, she Co-Owns a fulltime Gracie Jiu-Jitsu Certified Training Center in La Jolla, CA and works with Dancing With the Stars Talent as well as Miss USA handling Celebrity Judges, and NBC Correspondents. She is a 3rdDegree Black- Belt in Karate and trained in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
PEACE IN DISCOMFORT
Allow Our Kids to Fail Prepare Children for Real Life By Harriet Cabelly
The taxi number was up on the refrigerator. She knew the time had come. She had missed the bus one too many times. I was upstairs biting my tongue. I had rescued my daughter enough times by driving her to school when she overslept. “The next time you miss your bus, you’ll have to figure out how to get to school on your own,” I had said. “But none of my friends drive yet, how will I get there? I can’t take a taxi, it’s too much money.” And so the taxi became the solution to the problem, which quickly got resolved when she saw that spending her money on getting to school left her with nothing for her little extra pleasures. When Esti had to dip into her weekly spending money, getting up on time seemed like a better alternative than giving up her cash to a cab driver. I was out of rescue and savior mode and she was learning some great skills: responsibility, accountability, selfreliance.
She obviously didn’t like it, but is parenting always about liking and pleasing? It’s about preparing, guiding, teaching our children for real life. It’s about having them learn, sometimes the hard way, that challenges and problems must be dealt with and that they have the ability and inner resources to do so. But they can only develop their abilities and confidence in themselves to do so if we allow them to experience these crucial opportunities of falling down and picking themselves back up.
Are we helping our kids towards this end? Are we allowing them to fall and get back up on their own, problem-solve and figure out what to do next, or are we rushing in to rescue them from their mistake which naturally creates discomfort and therefore squelch an opportune time to learn important life skills? It is by no means easy to sit back and watch our children ‘suffer’ knowing we could do something: intervene to get that mark changed from a C to a B, or get their class changed to the ‘nicer’ teacher.
But are we not fostering that fertile ground of entitlement? The stage is set for the expectation of someone stepping in to do for them and get them their desired outcome. We need to raise our children with many dress rehearsals toward this end of developing their coping skills and character strengths so they can go out and function well in the world; with their developed strengths of competence, resourcefulness, confidence and independence they will be able to manage, deal and navigate through an imperfect life with all its joy and beauty. Learn to fail or fail to learn There will always be hurts. “I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.” Brene Brown
“It is doubtful whether any heavier curse could be imposed on man than the complete gratification of all his wishes without effort on his part, leaving nothing for his hopes, desires or struggles.” Samuel Smiles, ‘Self-Help’ 1859
Harriet Cabelly Harriet Cabelly is a social worker and life-parent coach emphasizing living life to its fullest and creating a good life out of (or despite) adversity. Read more about her at Rebuild Life Now: www.rebuildlifenow.com
PEACE WITH TEENS
4 Steps to Inner Peace Even if You Live with Teems by Ray Erickson, LCSW
In my family I needed to be good. My father viewed his children like nails. If one of us got out of line, he would pound us back into our proper place. When he was home everyone knew to be on their best behavior. If anyone made an error or made too much noise, something really bad would happen. We were not viewed as capable and competent. We were viewed as problems. As a teenager I did everything I could to show my parents, teachers and most other adults that I was a good kid. I had no choice. Truth be known, I was terrified to make a mistake.
Are you like many parents who see someone who is incompetent, incomplete and incapable?
So, how do you look at your teen?
Or, are you a parent that sees your teen as unique, talented, capable and competent?
What is your perception of that living, breathing, eating everything and making you crazy human sprawled out on the sofa?
Whatever your perception is, you will get what you expect. So I say, expect the best.
If you are having trouble achieving inner peace, then try my 4 Steps to Inner Peace. Step 1: Make a commitment to change your mind about how you view your teen. Use your imagination to create an image of them as capable and competent people. Step 2: Feel what you would feel if your teen WAS competent and capable. Right now! (happy, calm, peaceful, at ease, etc.) Step 3: Look for your teen being capable and competent or kind or helpful. Step 4: Acknowledge your teen in a subtle way every day. Dr. Wayne Dyer said: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Try it today. Change your mind about what you believe is true about your teen (look at them differently) and they will begin to look differently to you (capable and competent). Don’t take my word for it. Try it yourself.
Ray Erickson Ray Erickson is the author of Ten Tips to Tame Your Teen. His passion is helping families reclaim the love and trust they believe is lost. Go to www.rayerickson.com to learn more about Parenting 2.0 Talks 2013.
Transmit the “What” Let Your Kids Figure Out the “How”
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PEACE IN SAVING
Christmas Gifts It’s Summer - What’s Your Plan? By Jean A. Harris
Last year, if you bought Christmas gifts, did you use cash, credit card, or reward points? I learned about buying Christmas gifts when I was eight. As you read my experience, jot down some things my parents did in this experience. On Christmas day, dad said: ‘Tomorrow, we will plan for next Christmas.” Going to the bank that day, Dad said: ‘I want you to be ready for giving gifts next Christmas. And with a smile, he added: “Remember Christmas happens on the same day each year.” Being a year away, I was unsure why we were planning for it now. He asked a bank teller for a $50 Christmas savings card. Then he said: “Each week, I will give you an allowance.” He also suggested it best to buy a stamp weekly to place on the savings card. Regularly, my parents told me when they were going to go the bank.
I gave them stamp money when I was unable to go. When I purchased my own stamps, it was great seeing the card fill up with stamps! I purchased 46 one-dollar stamps that year. Ready to purchase the gifts, I proudly showed dad how much I saved. Since I was the only girl, I certainly knew he would give me the remaining money. After he said, I had done a good job, I asked him for four dollars.
He paused. Then he asked two questions. “Did I give you money each week?” I said, ‘Yes’. “Do you remember the weeks you did not buy stamps what you did with your money?” He said: “You received the money and made a different choice. Keep in mind going forward to know where you spend your money and make sure not to lose sight of your goal. Keep in mind you had the money and you made a different choice.” Compare your notes about what my parents did with this list: 1. Reminders and repetition are excellent reinforcement tools. For example: Commenting periodically about going to the bank worked very well to maintain my awareness.
3. Dad focused on one behavior, making different choices. It is easier to make corrections, focusing on one aspect at a time. The next year, I saved $50. If you saved for Christmas last year, consider sharing how you did it with your children and develop a plan with them to save money along with you. If you used a credit card, to avoid a bill for gifts, check with your bank to start an automatic 2013 Christmas savings plan. Explore with your children so they can implement their plan, too. Practicing this year sets the stage to be better prepared in 2014. If my dad were here he may ask you what will be your choice and... “Remember Christmas happens the same day each year.”
Tracking on card provided a visual for monitoring my progress.
This year, start in August! For 2014, start December 26th, 2013!
2. Modeling - seeing them go to bank consistently strengthened building a habit.
This is a great plan to use for other recurring events: birthdays, anniversaries, and vacations, too!
Jean Harris Jean Harris, owner of Launching Life Strategies, is author of a forthcoming book, When It Snows, All You Need is a Broom. Learn from My Mom and Dad - Ways to Raise Children to Thrive as Adults. www.launchinglifestrategies.com San Diego, CA
PEACE IN EXPECTATIONS
Be a “7” Measure Up to Yourself By Tom Krause
Teenagers sometimes get too caught up in measuring themselves by other people’s expectations. These comparisons can lead to a lot of disappointment when one doesn’t feel like they measure up. A young man walked in to his honors history class one Friday morning in late September. He placed his backpack next to his chair, which was located in the back of the room next to the wall. The young man was a good student but not a great student. His parents were both professional people - one a doctor, the other a lawyer. He was liked by his classmates, though not really well known because of his shyness.
Horror, shock and outrage raced through the school as well as the community.
As the instructor walked into the room, students started removing their history books from their backpacks.
It was later learned that the young man never felt like he lived up to others’ expectations.
Instead of a book, the young man pulled out a gun, placed it in his mouth, and pulled the trigger.
He often spoke of disappointing himself and loved ones. It was concluded that the pressure became just too much.
Why? How could this happen?
Always remember that high expectations for ones self are fine but be realistic about what you expect of yourself. Life has a way of heaping higher and higher expectations on teenagers today. When teens feel they are “playing a game they have no chance of winning,” they quit trying. When you look into a mirror, what do you see? On a scale of 1 to 10 (one being a total loser and ten being perfect in every way) you could see yourself as a 7.
Comparing yourself to others is senseless. You are an original. There is no one else in the whole world like you, and there never will be. Take what you have an interest in and make the most of it. You may be surprised by what you can accomplish. When you learn to accept yourself for who you are, life starts falling into place. From there you can grow into your full potential - sometimes reaching beyond your dreams.
Seven means you are not perfect but you are OK. Stop looking for a perfect 10 in that mirror. Learn to love that 7 that you see. The areas of your life you are really interested in are probably an 8 or 9. The areas you have no interest in are probably a 5 or 6. Overall you are a 7. Seven is a very healthy number. It gives you a little room to be human instead of having to be perfect all the time.
Tom Krause Tom Krause – TOUCHING HEARTS-TEACHING GREATNESS, Inspiring Confidence, Hope & Worth in Every Child. Educational Keynote Speaking www.coachkrause.com – 20-time Contributing Author Chicken Soup for Soul book series. Nixa, MO USA
PEACE IN GETTING HELP
Hidden Truths Amusing Anecdote about Parenting by Ohad Ouziel
None of my kids are naturally athletic, if they were, it would have been highly suspicious, considering who their father is. Yet when it comes to riding a bicycle my little girl who is only 4 years old always wants to ride everywhere. My son, who is 6, on the other hand, reacts to the very thought of bringing the bike out with a tantrum of such gargantuan proportions I fear child services are on their way. Hidden Truth of Parenting #396 My kid is like a fish, he too refuses to use a bicycle. I may be a little old fashioned by insisting riding a bicycle is a life skill he requires, and I'm sure I’ll pay in years of therapy for insisting he learns how to ride the damn thing. After all, hover boards are just around the corner. Still, I feel pretty strongly that every boy should ride a bicycle and have their knees scraped. The thing is, my kid sees it differently. For him there is no value in riding a bicycle, it’s at least 3 more years before he
is allowed to ride on his own, and he already discovered the benefits of an airconditioned car with daddy at the wheel. Hidden Truth of Parenting #253 It is true some things are like riding a bicycle. Riding a bicycle however isn’t. I have made more than a few mistakes trying to get the kid to ride - the first is that we started too early. My parents got him a bike for his 3rd birthday and at first he was pretty keen. However, 3 year-olds bike weigh about 20 pounds, which is what he weighed at the time. He could barely move them, even downhill.
I learn from my mistakes, which of course leads to bigger blunders. When it was time to get his sister a two wheeled vehicle, we got her a lightweight wooden balance bike. It worked like a charm. They are light, easy to control and she rides like the wind. If it's not too late for you, get one now. I was hopeful, assuming that seeing his little baby sister riding like a tornado ripping through Kansas would motivate my son. But I assumed wrong. Instead he disappointed me by being mature; allowing his sister room to excel, and giving up bicycle altogether.
That actually did the trick, for about 5 minutes. But no amount of cajoling would help after that. He declared riding the bicycle is what is for him the pinnacle of all evil - “boring”. I can’t beat boring. Boring is the coup de grâce. So I pulled one last stunt. I started timing lapses for him - cheating occasionally to keep him motivated, or just because I neglected to start the stopwatch. This proved to be my most successful move yet. But even that wasn't enough. Hidden Truths of Parenting #81 Other people’s kids are so much easier to control.
Apparently, you should never allow a younger child to succeed in something you want your older kid to be interested in.
You can try any or all these tricks - they may very well work for you. They did work for me at least for a while. Sadly, my kid is indeed my progeny lazy bum.
OK, I thought to myself, maybe my boy became self-conscious about the training wheels, I’ll take them off.
So it was that with a deep sense of personal failure, I had to put my ego aside and allow professionals to take over.
I did some reading on bike training online and decided to remove the paddles as well, leaving him essentially with a frame and two wheels, a push-bike he can easily control and learn how to find his balance.
I signed him up for a bicycle tutor that creates a different kind of commitment on my son's part, and makes him less likely to argue over every inch of road he covers. Remember, being a good parent ultimately means knowing when to seek help too.
Ohad Ouziel Ohad Ouziel is a showrunner and developer of television shows and content in the international market and the author of “100 Hidden Truths of Parenting”. Contact at ohad.ouziel@gmail.com www.hiddentruthsofparenting.com
PEACE IN INSTINCT
Parenting Wise Learning to Parent New Babies By Kim Brickwood
Parenting Wise, a strange title? It is meant to alert parents that they have what is needed to successfully parent their own child. How do I know this and what experience do I have in this area? I have raised three children mostly by trial and error and I now have three gorgeous grandchildren. I am also a registered nurse and midwife and I worked as a child and family health nurse for seven years. During that time I saw a multitude of new babies, new mothers and new fathers. They came in search of wisdom and solutions to help them to care for their babies. It is said that parenting is instinctual, while there may be some truth in this there is much to be learned by new parents particularly in the modern age where couples often live away from their extended family and in many cases their first encounter with a newborn is when they have their own baby. They will learn more transitioning to parenthood and faster than at any other time in their lives.
The three things I would like to tell parents of a new baby are: 1. Trust yourself You know your baby better than anyone else. You are with your baby everyday and over the days and weeks following birth you gradually learn to read your baby’s cues for tiredness, hunger, discomfort and joy. Well meaning people will offer advice and suggestions to new parents. My advice in this situation is for the parent to simply smile and say “thank you�.
The Gottman Bringing Baby Home program which is based on the Sound Relationship House model, teaches couples through interactive exercises how to really get to know one another, express appreciation and admiration, ask for and give affection in order to create a strong foundation for bringing up their baby. 3. Slow down Use this time to recuperate after the birth and learn about your baby.
2. Take time Stop, connect and communicate with your partner. Transitioning to parenthood is a time of mixed emotions, a canvas decorated with happiness, excitement and wonder tinged with anxiety, uncertainly and doubt and coloured with sleep deprivation. Under these circumstances it is normal for conflict to rise. It is important for the couple to take the time to connect, to get away from the computer, the mobile phone, the television and really talk to and appreciate each other and cultivate their relationship.
Talk to your baby, hold your baby, watch for and learn your baby’s signals. Our modern life is so fast paced. It is easy to miss the subtle early communication cues. New babies need to process the information before they respond and this can take several minutes. Make sure baby is wide awake and relaxed with alert eyes before trying to connect. Communicate through mutual eye contact, use big facial expressions and the higher pitched speech known as mother-ease to connect with baby. Our faces are a live canvas with expressions constantly changing. We are the most interesting toy for our babies.
Kim Brickwood Kim Brickwood, director of path2parenting, is a registered nurse, midwife and child and family health nurse with tertiary qualifications in vocational education and training. Kim specializes in professional development for parent educators including training in group facilitation techniques and use of activities in parent groups. Kim is located in Sydney, Australia.
PEACE IN FEAR
The Special Child Teacher The Disability is not in the Spirit By Scott Hammond
This is our true and heartfelt story of turning pain into passion. This is a true story of our beloved son, Gabriel Hammond. It all started with the ultrasound at the local Mad River Community Hospital. The ultrasound revealed the possibility of Down syndrome. The two-dollar question was did Gabriel have Down syndrome? Meeting with the doctor, she told us that yes, Gabe did have Down syndrome. No one prepares you for the disappointment, loss, fear, and many of life’s potentials forfeited when you learn that you have a baby who has Down syndrome. The feelings of new parents of kids with Downs run from anger to depression to frustration to resignation.
It is a feeling, ultimately, of being lost in a world of unpredictability and not having a map of where you are going.
It is like the six phases of grieving. It feels a bit like a death within the context of birth in that it is a death of a vision.
This is truly “uncharted water”. That feeling of fear and sense of loss will be forever ingrained in my heart and mind. We knew nothing of Down syndrome or special needs kids.
A parental hope and dream of what could have been most likely will not be now with this new twist of having a “special need”.
To this point, we’d had six healthy children and had never met anyone with Down syndrome or any similar disability.
As we learned that our Gabriel had Down, we really had to dig deep and see if we could find the upside of Down syndrome. But, fear ruled the day. Who is our boy? What will he be when he grows up? Can he play football? Will he go to college? Will he be “normal”? Will he get married? Will he have children? The lessons learned have to do with my deciding to have the right perspective, attitude, actions, and behaviors. The decision to love unconditionally is ours alone. This unconditional love, stemming from the decision to love Gabriel, has transferred some of my pain into a perspective which is surprising, refreshing, and very interesting. The lessons we learned include: • There is no one-time fix. This is a long-term journey requiring a long-term approach. • A positive mental attitude and my positive confessions are not enough to get me through. • Whereas Gabriel may have a disability of his intellect, there is none of his spirit. • His worth has very little to do with his intellect or ability to contribute to society.
• We’ve learned to give without expecting anything in return and love him unconditionally. • We learned to love freely, regardless of the payback. • We learned that everyone has special needs. Some of us just hide them better! My commitment as a father begins with loving my son and equipping him by helping him receive the best. In every way I am compelled to maximize his potential. I also need to maximize my potential to love, accept, understand, and help Gabriel where possible. My commitment is also to help my family to love Gabriel, to be patient with him, and to see past his challenges and focus on his many positive attributes. My Mission Statement is this: “To personally and practically love, accept, and go forward in raising my son to his fullest potential with God’s help”. As I do this, I know that Gabriel has the potential to teach us to look for the things in life that are truly important. May I be as good a student as he is a teacher.
Scott Hammond Scott Hammond is the author of Every Day Dad: The Guide to Becoming a Better Father, a parenting expert, and the father of 9 children, who offers a unique point of view on fathering and intentional parenting. Scott is an award winning professional speaker and a recognized consultant and leadership coach.
PEACE IN DREAMS
3 Creative Tips Your Child’s Future Competitive Advantage by Fionn Wright, Dream Designer
Can you imagine a time when your doctor is a smartphone, your lawyer is an application and your personal assistant’s name is Siri? The world is changing quicker than our brains are able to comprehend. The progress of technology is exponential and our brains think more linearly, meaning that we find it difficult to understand what the future will be like, and how quickly it is coming.1 Humans have reached a new level in evolution thanks to technology. According to Moore’s law, technology halves in size or doubles in power every year. The world of manual labor is long gone, replaced by machines. The world of the knowledge worker is rapidly following, being replaced by the computer. As of yet computers do not have innovation capabilities, as they can only run on previously written programs. Humans have the ability to innovate, so this is where our natural advantage comes in.
Innovation requires creativity. Everyone has the capability of being creative, and the possibility of improving their creative capacity. What has happened, however, is that many of us have been educated out of being creative. An experiment was done in which participants had to build a tower made of spaghetti and tape, and then put a marshmallow on top.2 The worst scoring individuals were business school students as they have been taught that there is one correct answer and they must find that answer before they start.
Other than engineers, the best scoring students were from Kindergarten as they would try anything, take guesses and change their model according to the feedback; they weren’t afraid of being wrong. In the ever-changing real world, the idea that there is one correct answer is preposterous. Being creative, guessing and changing the model according to feedback requires creative flexibility. So here are 3 simple tips to enhance your child’s natural creativity: Accept Seemingly Stupid Ideas Let them know that new ideas are encouraged no matter how preposterous, let silly ideas stew in their mind without logically rejecting them; they will often link up with other ideas later on to create brilliant ideas, maybe years down the line! Build New Paths in the Brain Help them learn to use as many different parts of the brain as possible to create new neurological pathways, do this by exposing them to as many new skills and opportunities for learning as possible.
Let Their Subconscious Mind Out When you are asleep your mind flows naturally from one scene to another without being controlled by logical constraints; help them transcend the boundary between the conscious and unconscious by building a relationship with their dream self. The human brain is highly plastic, 3 even more so when we are young, meaning that each time your child does something new or thinks in a different way, they create a new neurological pathway. What they think about and do everyday mould the person they become. Take a lesson from the Kindergarten students; in real life there are no right answers. Some answers are better than others depending on the parameters, but the best ideas haven’t even been thought of yet. So what is the ultimate competitive advantage of the future? Help your child create a masterpiece out of their mind, to become an innovative genius, so that they are the only one that thinks exactly the way they do. 1. http://www.ted.com/talks/ ray_kurzweil_on_how_technology_will_transform_us.html 2. http://www.ted.com/talks/tom_wujec_build_a_tower.html 3. Recent study of the human brain has consistently highlighted its plasticity and capacity for adaptation (Maguire et al., 2000)
Fionn Wright Fionn Wright is a Dream Designer passionate about helping people design dream lives. He has worked as a coach and trainer on 5 continents and speaks fluent Mandarin Chinese. fionn@revtc.com He currently lives in Shanghai.
PEACE TO MODEL
Parents are Anchors Be the Calm in the Wake of Bullying By Dee Di Gioia
You’ve read about it in the headlines. You heard about it happening on the news, or worse, it’s happening in your child’s school. You may have even experienced it when you were growing up, or at work. You never expected it to happen to your own child. Today your heart is broken. You just learned that your precious child is being bullied! Thoughts are racing through your mind. “She’s such a nice kid. How could anyone be so mean to my child?!” Your heart beats faster, your fists are clenched, your mind is racing: “I’m gonna, I’m gonna…!” WAIT! Stop! Breathe! Be calm. “A mind at peace, a mind centered and not focused on harming others, is stronger than any physical force in the universe.” Wayne Dyer
I know. You’re mad as “&*%#.” Likely, hearing about your child being targeted for bullying may trigger some of your own emotions in remembering your own situations of being bullied, which brings up some really huge feelings. Don’t make this your story. This is your child’s story and your child’s eyes are upon you. Children are great imitators so give them something great to imitate by being a role model to your child, demonstrating how to respond effectively. “Any fool can make things bigger, more complex, more violent. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.” Albert Einstein
When we “react”, we are acting from the primitive “fight or flight” part of the brain and acting out from a place of fear and anger. In so doing, we are fighting what we don't want which contributes to the bullying cycle. However, when we “respond” with mindfulness, we are modeling how to create space between the event (bullying) and our response so we can connect our heart and mind to consider the various choices to respond responsibly and effectively. In this space we will focus on what we really do want: the bullying to stop, and peace and happiness restored! Don’t confuse a calm, non-violent approach with being passive. There are important actions we can and should choose to address the bullying.
Widening the lens and seeing all children, including your own, as learning and capable of making misguided choices sheds a more compassionate light. With practice, children will learn to access the tools within their hearts and minds to handle any challenges with the same calm and mindfulness that they observed in us. What a beautiful legacy we are leaving for our children. We can all sleep better knowing we are contributing to a more compassionate, peaceful, and kinder world. Be the change, be the calm! Now that you’re calm, what are your next step action steps? Receive your free copy of “Help! My child was bullied! Now what?” Request your copy from Dee DiGioia, Caring and Courageous Kids at starfishdee@ymail.com
So how do you bring yourself to calm? One technique is to see the child who is bullying as your own. Quite often, one who bullies is suffering deeply, and his suffering is spilling over. The message is that he needs help!
Dee Di Gioia Dee Di Gioia is author of “One Caring and Courageous Choice at a Time" which includes her children's educational DVD "Which Team Will You Choose?" She is founder of “Caring and Courageous Kids” whose mission is inspiring a culture of compassionate thinkers to help break the cycle of bullying and abuse. She is partnered with the Charter for Compassion and Compassionate Action Network International. www.CaringandCouragousKids.com
PEACE IN EMOTIONS
Active Listening Listen for Their Feelings during Stressful Times By Allison Dracha
“Promise me she’s not going to die Mommy!” a comment/question I overheard whispered by my 10 year old niece to my sister concerning our sick, elderly aunt. Both mother and child had very nervous looks on their faces; my niece wanting answers, reassurance, my sister not sure how to answer. Over the last 6 months, my niece Bella’s life experience has included a heightened level of anxiety due to witnessing terminal illness and eventual death of her grandmother. Bella displays her anxiety with unprovoked crying, not wanting to attend school, questioning her immediate family about whether others close to her will die without warning, and often over analyzing comments her peers make to her. By definition, anxiety is a tense emotional state that may occur when the ability to predict an outcome of a situation is uncertain or when we cannot guarantee a desired result.
Whether your child has experienced a recent loss of a loved one, has a conflict with a friend, or is stressed over grades, it is likely that at some point in their life they will have a moment where their level of worry may feel overwhelming to them. Although each situation will be unique, all cases need special care in order to get a child you love through that moment and learning to cope in order to move forward.
One of the most important things we can do, as caregivers, is to show the child they are being heard when taking the time to express their worries. Active listening to their concerns is the way to go. If you are not familiar, active listening requires the listener to play an engaged role in the conversation but often not needing to say much. When your child comes to you with an issue, listen for and identify what they are feeling - this will help them feel understood. It will allow their feelings at the moment to surface and support the dialogue to solving the issue that may feel unsolvable to them.
After my sister had a moment to think, she took my niece aside for a bit of privacy, met her at eye level and became a space for my niece and her worries. She validated Bella’s feelings without making promises she could not keep. They ended their conversation in a loving embrace both feeling better and ready to move forward.
Allison Dracha Allison Dracha, M.S. is an experienced trainer, life coach, kid coach, educator, curriculum developer. My life's macro intention is to empower others and help them master self-reliance. Her website is thegrowthfactor.wordpress.com
What’s the Hurry When’s the Right Time to Send Kids Off
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Teaching Independence
PEACE IN EMOTIONS
Change Your Ways How “Alma” Builds Children's Character By Andrea Camacho
My daughter Alma was almost three years old when her brother Lucas was born. She was very happy and anxious about the arrival of her brother, but was quickly disappointed when she discovered he was not what she was expecting. The little brother she had awaited for so long was just a baby that took all of her mother’s time. Her frustration grew every day until she exploded into a phase full of long and intense tantrums. One day, she got into this enormous tantrum because one of her shoes was dirty. I tried to calm her down, but a friend who was a psychologist and mother of three, told me: “Don’t pay any attention to her, ignore her. If you go, she will always do the same to draw your attention. Teach her that tantrums are not worth it.” I thought it was awful not to take care of my daughter in that state, but I was also very tired of her tantrums, so I decided to follow her advice. More than 40 minutes went by and Alma did not calm down.
I started to worry and did not think she would be able to calm down by herself. My friend insisted I should wait, but after an intense hour-long tantrum, I could not wait any longer and so I picked up my daughter from the floor. She was completely out of control. When I hugged her, she hugged me back very strongly and did not let loose of me. I said to her “calm down, Alma” and she answered “I can’t, mommy, I don’t know how to calm down, I can’t stop crying, my eyes don’t pay attention to me!”.
It broke my heart. It was clear she did not want to be in that state, but her body expressed her frustration in that way and she could not control it. She did not have the emotional maturity to handle this. That day, I explained the meaning of jealousy to her and why she was jealous. I told her it was normal for her to be jealous and to be angry, and validated her emotions. I also told her that, even though I had to look after Lucas, I would never stop loving her. From that moment on, things changed a lot. In spite of her being so small, she understood what jealousy was and started to acknowledge it. Some days she would say to me: “Mommy, I’m jealous, I don’t want you to hold Lucas any more. Play with me!”.
Unfortunately, many parents do not know how to do that or do not have the tools to make that task easier. That’s why we created “Alma’s Powers”, a series of apps that help young children explore and understand the world of emotions and values. This Collection of games and stories is designed to maximize the personal potential of pre-school aged children through family oriented, fun experiences that are easy to understand. “Alma and the Doll in the Park” is the first app in the “Alma's Powers” series. This is an interactive story full of surprises which teaches kids the value of honesty. It also includes three games to develop creativity, concentration and curiosity, as well as fun sound effects and beautiful illustrations that were originally hand-drawn.
I would do that whenever I could and if I could not let go of the baby, I looked for a means to show her my love and help her keep her jealousy at bay. Nowadays, specialists recommend working with children’s emotional intelligence from an early age onwards in order to guarantee their happiness and success in life.
Andrea Camacho As a mother of two I decided to combine my job with the love I feel towards my children to help them explore and understand the world of emotions and values. Global Presence Ambassador of Barcelona, Spain, for Parenting 2.0. Email: andrea@almaspowers.com.
PEACE IN FUNNY
Smart & Gifted Kids They Can Be Funny Too! By Erika Stroh, MA
It was the beginning of fourth grade and my son, Liam, age 9, had always been described by his teachers as a “model” student. By this I mean well-behaved, participatory, kind, friendly and hardworking. As a former elementary school teacher myself, I could appreciate the boys and girls in my classes who had a thirst for knowledge, were respectful and cooperative. Just like adults who earn a reputation within their family, at their workplace or in the local community, their actions and behaviors are noted, judged and expected. Children also earn a reputation, sometimes as early on as infancy, when they’re fussy or reluctant sleepers, they are labeled. As kids begin school, this happens more and more frequently. Teachers and parents, alike, treat kids accordingly. Holding high expectations can be wonderful and often times people, in general, rise to the occasion.
However, what happens when a child, in this case Liam, decides to “break out of his shell” just a little and say something he thought was amusing in class? I’ll tell you what happened, he was publicly scolded, embarrassed in front of his classmates and decided in that very moment that he would never again “try to be funny.” His teacher said that she was very disappointed in him and was surprised to hear such a thing come from “his” mouth! By the way, the principal announced over the loudspeaker that a car was illegally parked and needed to be moved. Liam said, “Oh, that’s my car.” He came home that day and told me what had happened.
He shared with tears, shame and confusion the fact that he learned his lesson, he would NEVER again say something funny or try to stand out in class for fear that he will get in trouble and tarnish his “reputation” as a model student. “Smart kids don’t behave this way,” he said. I hugged him tightly and offered my congratulations for being so brave, courageous, humorous and authentic. Liam is a gifted student among many others things like a great athlete, creative artist, imaginative writer, compassionate friend, son and brother. He has a silly side and loves to tell jokes and make people laugh.
Fast forward several months, another similar situation occurred and I decided then to schedule a meeting with Liam, his teacher and myself. I spoke to my son about the importance of speaking up for himself and letting his teacher know how he’s been feeling (with my support). Perhaps hearing her perspective would be equally helpful. He agreed. When we arrived at the school, I asked my son to wait in the hallway so that I could briefly explain why we were meeting and assure Liam that it was safe to share his feelings with his teacher. She was surprised, yet open to talking with Liam and anxious to hear what was wrong. The conversation went very well and I truly commend this woman for accepting Liam’s story with humility. Let’s help parents advocate for their kids and bring more awareness to the fact that these stereotypes exist in schools as well as homes. Otherwise, children will continue to carry with them the shame, confusion and reluctance to be their authentic selves, at all costs, into adulthood and on to yet another generation.
Erika Stroh, MA Erika Stroh is a Parent Educator/Coach & Founder of Parent From The Heart. Erika is particularly passionate about her work as a Parent/Family Coach where she engages with moms, dads & children of all ages in the comforts of their own home for a period of time - day & evening.
PEACE IN REAL
Reality Parenting As Not Seen on TV By Treion Muller
REALITY PARENTING™ If you are reading this, chances are you are a parent or one to be. A mother or father whose life doesn’t look anything like the “reality” television shows, movies, and books you’ve been introduced to. Despite what Hollywood dishes up on a nightly sitcom basis, most fathers are in reality not immature, deadbeat, philandering losers who are unable to hold down a job. Most mothers are not high-maintenance, ditsy, artificial drama queens who aren’t able to make a decent meal or care for themselves or their children. And children are not all spoiled, sassy, brats, who despise their parents. No, most families are actually functioning relatively well despite their unique dysfunctions and in spite of the entertainment industry. The reality of most families can probably be more accurately defined as continuous chaos interrupted by rare moments of peace...usually when the kids are in bed.
No, being a good mother or father is far from being glamorous and doesn’t come with commercial breaks. It’s unmade beds, endless laundry, exhausting days, and three-week old leftovers in the fridge. It’s pushing through to the weekend just to discover you actually don’t have a weekend anymore; that it’s been sacrificed to the soccer, football, gymnastics, and dance gods. This is reality parenting! And it has always been the reality.
But reality parenting is also the small kisses and unconditional hugs. The sweet memories and hundreds of “first times.” It’s those moments when you overflow with so much emotion that your eyes cannot contain it all. It’s holding on tightly, and knowing when to let go. It’s smothering with love, and allowing for freedom to grow. Yes, parenting is like breathing in perfume as well as toxic fumes, and breathing out pure love. It’s hard to endure at times, and even harder to express, but like the millions who have gone on before you, it comes naturally. You just know what to do. This is reality parenting! The precious moments that cannot be felt or captured by reality TV, only in your heart and home. While everyone’s reality is a little different, we also have a lot in common. Ever since becoming a father I look at parent/child incidents a lot differently.
I would often judge other parents and take note of what I wouldn’t do if I were in their situation. I am ashamed of my pre-parental self-righteousness. Reality has humbled me. What before was a noisy brat at the grocery store, is just a child testing their boundaries. I no longer hear crying babies in airplanes, just the sweet music of heaven in a frustrated infant’s melody. Yes, as parents we continue to grow and learn just like our kids. The goal of this article is help parents come to the realization that there are no perfect parents, no perfect families. Just imperfect “parents in motion” that are hoping they can survive today. The reality is, we have a better chance of surviving if we can help one another, learn from one another, and share what we learn in return. This is the new parenting reality. We are all reality parents who would benefit by having helpful tips and insights on how to survive the everyday challenges that our families throw up. Excerpt from the upcoming book: Reality Parenting: As NOT Seen On TV™ By Treion Muller © Treion Muller All Rights Reserved
Treion Muller Treion Muller is a father of 5, and author of Dad Rules, Mom Rules, and the upcoming book, Reality Parenting: As NOT Seen On TV. Contact at: Rules4Families.com Blog: The Booger Blog
PEACE IN ENERGY
What Went Wrong? Understanding the Energy of Relationships By Alan Wilson
I was relaxing and enjoying my cup of coffee and watching this little bundle of new-born joy, love and pure energy and Mum instinctively knowing what that little cherub wants, even before the baby cries out. This beautiful picture was smashed by an angry troubled teen shouting, swearing and arguing with his Mum and she was giving it back in equal ferocity, and I thought what on earth went wrong. That was 11 years ago and I now have the answer - life kicks in. Before they go to school they are pure fun: they are creative, imaginative and laughing all the time. Then they have to become someone else, someone they are not. Then more changes: of school, puberty, work and the opposite sex… How can you prepare that beautiful bundle of pure potential to manage in this ever-changing World? Or how can you communicate and connect at a deeper level with that angry troubled teen?
It was 2002, the year my life changed. I discovered the power of life coaching and identified my passion - to unleash the potential in young people. Because of my interest in alternative therapy I believed there was a deeper level of communication beyond what is conventionally described by sensoryawareness and active listening. I’ve used the phrase ‘energetic connection’. This energetic connection can have profound implications for our personal relationships.
Have you noticed? When you enter a room full of strangers you can feel comfortable or uncomfortable? Someone saying, “I was just thinking of that” or you have said it yourself? If the phone rings and it’s someone you haven’t seen or heard of for sometime, but you’ve been thinking about them? You can sense someone behind you without hearing them? Then you have experienced that ‘energy’ and it’s always there for you to access.
This energy has a huge impact on the quality of a connection between two people and the parents we have worked with have noticed that children are so much more sensitive. And when they are ‘labeled’ ADHA, autistic, learning difficulties they are infinitely more so. The possibility of a deeper connection is always there for us to access, if you choose to become congruent and comfortable in yourself. Most parents know when they are happy, their children are happy... but what very few know is that their children, being sensitive to a parents emotional state, also take responsibility for that emotional state. Children don’t have the confidence or the communication and emotional abilities to express their concern, so they kick off in the only way they know how to get attention. That might be screaming, hitting out or storming out of the room shouting “you don’t understand me” as they slam the door. You can change things so check out: http:// www.parentchampioncommunity.com/ emotional-literacy
Alan Wilson Alan Wilson shows you how to transform your family, empower your children to manage in this ever-changing World, using an evidence-based programme with challenged families. His latest book is “How to be a Parent Champion and add magic to your family”. His charity: www.everyfamilymatters.org.uk Social enterprise: www.developyourchild.co.uk
PEACE IN DISCOVERY
Flourishing or Floundering Prevent Mental Health Problems By Daniel Trussell, Ph.D., MBA, LPC
“Hey Doc”, the email began, “just wanted to let you know I finished my masters and am getting married this summer. Life is great! Bet you never thought you’d hear me say that!” And neither did Andre’s parents, who had mostly given up on Andre by the time I first met him about 9 years ago.
He was sent to a psychiatrist but in defiance, he refused to talk honestly to the psychiatrist about his feelings and fears. Andre described to me that his future was certain. He would become a depressed alcoholic and end up living on the street.
Surly, depressed and hopeless, Andre’s first words to me were “I’m doomed.”
He was convinced he had “bad genes.” He had thoughts about ending it all but had not yet come up with a plan to kill himself.
He went on to share that his mother had been depressed as long as he could remember and his dad got drunk almost every night. He reported that one of his teachers told his parents he was autistic.
I asked Andre if he thought he could learn new things about his life that would make life more bearable . He agreed to give it a try. I shared that prevention today might be a better path than treatment later and we set off on his journey of self-discovery. As parents, we spend an enormous amount of energy making sure our kids get a good education, have sports and recreational opportunities and obtain the material things our children believe are essential to childhood well-being.
Typically, there is less emphasis placed on developing social and emotional intelligence skills, a cornerstone to preventing future mental health problems. Ultimately, this leads to floundering through life instead of embracing a life well lived. Children, and the families they live in, thrive and nurture each other when they include the ingredients necessary for optimal family functioning. While the techniques, interventions and activities identified in positive psychology are all scientifically validated, it’s not rocket science. Families flourish when their lives are filled with positive emotions, they engage in purposeful activities that give meaning to their lives, they reinforce respectful relationships and they celebrate their accomplishments, small and large together. Dr Seligman, a founder of Positive Psychology, calls this the PERMA model: Positive emotions Engagement Relationship Meaning and purpose Accomplishment.
As individuals, those who are generous, loving, authentic, direct and open to new experience are the least likely to experience future mental health problems. Dr Langer calls her model GLADO. Generous Loving Authentic Direct Open to new experience. As Andre and his family focused attention away from the problem and toward the solution, the family healed and thrived. Applied positive psychology not only opens up communication in a family, it helps members become more resilient to future challenges and inoculates against future mental health problems.
Dr. Daniel Trussell Daniel is a positive psychology coach and author of How Families Flourish and Breaking Free – Using Positive Psychology to Conquer Depression. Learn more at www.webstarbh.com
PEACE IN CYBER
U Know Better Peace in the Digital World By Hannah Masters
Everyone likes a love story, especially one that starts on Valentine’s Day. There is something sweet, innocent, and exciting about teenage love. What 15 year old boy could resist the allure of a beautiful auburn haired beauty. Especially one named Opal who says all the right things, and is completely infatuated with him? Over the next three days they exchange thousands of text messages and FB chats. Conversations get more racy, personal secrets are shared, they arrange to meet for the first time this Summer. Within a few short days the young boy is being isolated from his friends, spending every moment connected to Opal, a person he has never met.
The predator tells the friend where to go and to leave them alone. The boys who have been friends for years begin to fight, the type of fighting that ends friendships.
His best friend is suspicious, and confronts Opal asking her to video chat with his friend.
As a parent you may ask yourself how could this happen? How can a stranger come in and within three days convince someone to fight for them?
She comes up with an excuse not to. She is then asked to take a picture holding up a sign with his friends first and last name on it and text it to him.
It is called grooming, predators use this to gain our child's trust and exploit them or convince them to meet them in real life.Â
This is a true story, I know this because I am connected to my child's digital world. You see the boy’s best friend is my son and when he confronted the predator, the fight was brought to my attention...in real time. I was then able to ask my son what was going on. Together we were able to show his friend that Opal was in fact a 45+ year old man, and his case was turned over to the Cyber Crimes unit. My number one tip for parents is get real about your child's digital world. If you don't know who "friended" your child yesterday on Facebook, who they are and how they met your child... you need to. You need to get connected to a world you likely know very little about and embrace the wisdom of third party educators, and tools that can support you in your role as your child's protector. Like many of you, I am a busy Mom. I don't have the time to rummage through every text message and post, nor do I want to.
However, if my child is falling into harms way, being Cyberbullyed, or offered drugs or alcohol I want to be the first to know about it. This launched me on a journey of exploring great resources. Today I use - and educate others about a phenomenal tool called www.uknowkids.com This tool does the hard work for me. This service filters through their digital world looking for key words and phrases, alerting me in real time when my child is in danger. My household agrees, this gives the kids the privacy they want and their Dad and I the peace of mind we need. When we are alerted we simply have a conversation with our kids, we are more connected than ever before. My son's friend and his family are now connected too, I believe that if more families were connected we could stop Cyberbullying and Online predators in their tracks. We as parents can have our child's back without constantly looking over their shoulder. Together, we can raise amazing digital citizens, who think before they post or accept a friend request.
Hannah Masters Hannah Masters is a Manager, Community Development at uKnow.com, Inc. in Arlington, VA. Contact her at: hmasters@uknow.com Corp Web: www.uknow.com | Consumer Web: www.uknowkids.com
PEACE IN PREVENTION
Parenting Consciously Thinking Bigger About Who Kids Are By Ilene Dillon, MSW
Ava was barely an hour old. Her delivery had been long and hard. A Respiratory Therapist started her breathing. Nurses using rough towels rubbed her vigorously, getting her to “pink up.” Resting in the Neonatal Intensive Care unit, sensors were attached to almost every toe and finger, and on her heart and lungs. I stood beside her. With her right hand wrapped around my pinkie, I’d just completed my “orientation,” welcoming her to the earth, telling her where she had “landed,” who her parents and sister were, and that I was her grandmother.
Inwardly, I asked: “What emotions might I have experienced - that could get trapped for a lifetime - had I experienced Ava’s birth?” Fear. Unsafe. So I said, “Ava, I know that was a very difficult way to come to earth. It must have been scary. It’s over now. You’ll not have to go through that again. You’re safe! Your job, now, is to come into your body completely. Relax, breathe evenly, get your heart beating smoothly. Three times I repeated this message to her. Across the room, the nurse monitoring her vital signs looked up and said to me: “Whatever you’re doing over there, keep it up. Everything just went to normal!”
When Alex’s best friend flew in for a visit, Alex overslept, arriving late to his job and leaving his room messy. Heading to the airport, his mother stopped at the store to say she’d straightened his room. Alex was agitated. “My boss got angry with me for being late! I feel like quitting right now, Mom, and coming with you. What do you think?”
Alex, age 17, secured a summer job as a bagger at the local supermarket. “This is the stupidest job ever!” he complained. “Standing at the end of a conveyor belt, I put groceries into bags, one after another. I take the bags to people’s car. I come back. I fill more bags. I go home, sleep, and come back the next day and do it all over again!” His mother said: “That’s interesting, Alex. You picked this job yourself. What do you think you might be trying to teach yourself by choosing this job?” Thoughtfully, Alex responded: “Stick-toit-ive-ness and consistency.” “I agree,” said Mom. “I think we’re both happy for you to learn these two things.”
“I think it is one of the dumbest choices you could make.” “Why?” Alex demanded. “Think about your real reasons for working at this job,” she replied. “Oh, yeah, stick-to-it-ive-ness and consistency. I forgot! Okay, I’ll see you when you get back.” He returned to bagging groceries. Thinking bigger about kids and parenting is what Parenting Consciously is about. Kids are Souls coming to occupy a body for their lifetime. Relating to the soul of our “visitor” changes how we communicate, discipline and support our child(ren). It makes the “job” of being a parent or a kid easier and clearer. When you’re parenting, ask yourself to think and act bigger every day!
Ilene Dillon, MSW Ilene Dillon Ilene Dillon, 41-year Marriage & Family Counselor, helps parents Raise Incredible Kids, emphasizing parents and children partnering to develop fulfilling, emotionally balanced, amazing lives. www.raiseincrediblekids.com www.emotionalpro.com admin@raiseincrediblekids.com
PEACE IN MONEY
Personal Finance 101 Easy Lessons at Swim Class By Radhika Rajgarhia
A few days back, one of my close friends posted this on her Facebook page! I couldn’t help but smile when I read it… Son wants to buy $ 1.50 chips packet at vending machine at swim class. Dad says: “We have the same packet of chips at home that cost .50 cents. Why don't we take it from home?” Drama ensues. Dad gives two options: Option #1 “Give me the money from your piggy bank.” Option #2 “Keep that money in your bank and I will give you an additional $1.” Which bank gives such high interest rates by the way? Conclusion: “Let’s take chips from home” :) This was an essential life skill taught right in the middle of a swim class! As parents, we tend to shy away from talking ‘Money’ with our kids or wait for that ‘Right Time’ which never comes.
Our daily lives are full of such teachable moments; all we need to do is recognize them and use them in a meaningful way. I often think of this analogy when I think of financial education for young people: Pilots go through a rigorous training program before they are allowed to fly planes commercially. The training involves them to pass a comprehensive written test where they learn about flight instrumentation, meteorology, communication and other aspects about flying. Subsequently, they spend hundreds of hours honing their skills in flight simulators and small planes before they are qualified to fly planes with passengers. Similarly, we should ensure that our kids have the right financial knowledge and the tools to practice these skills before we put them in the cockpit of their life journey.
Radhika Rajgarhia
Radhika is a parent of two beautiful girls, an educator and an entrepreneur. She and her husband founded www.secondnaturelearn.com, an edtech start up that develops apps and tools for teens and college bound students to help them build sound financial habits for a lifetime! She is based in Santa Clara, CA and can be contacted at radhika@secondnaturelearn.com
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