September 2013, Special Issue*
30+ Inspirational Parenting Stories
Raising Humanity Collaboratively
* SEPTEMBER 2013 PART 2
September 2013, Issue 12
CONTENTS
Teaching Children Life Skills A Simple but Important Step
page # 50
By Mustapha Himi, BSW
Maybe for No Reason at All Create an Atmosphere of Potential
page # 52
By Nicki Sanders
The Start of Financial Literacy Practice Managing Money
page # 54
By Pam Whitlock
Respond with Empathy Emotional Experiences are Real
page # 56
By Natanya Lara
Life Skills 101 Preparing Children for Life
page # 58
By Dr. Rosina McAlpine
When You Can’t be Interrupted It Just Takes a Look By Lynn Kenney
page # 60 2
September 2013, Issue 12
CONTENTS
Use Reassurance with Emotions To Climb to New Heights
page # 61
By Sheryl Stoller
The Organizing Power of Play Turn Chores into Games
page # 64
By Sheryln Pang Luedtke
Staying in Control When Things are Out of Control
page # 66
By Shoshana Hayman
Excessive Texting How Harmful is it for Our Kids
page # 68
By Shahzad Hassan Butt
The Power to Heal Soulful Work to Get Unstuck
page # 70
By Herschel Lazaroff
Beyond Reading & Writing Beyond Your Schema
page # 72
By Wendy Wolff, MPH 3
September 2013, Issue 12
CONTENTS
The Power of Perception Turn Their Spots into Rainbows
page # 74
By Wendy Snodgrass
Develop Intelligence Train Your Brain to be Skillful
page # 76
By Roger Stark
Comment on iTunes Leave us a raving review
page # 32
Inner Peace Parenting Magazine
Global Ambassadors Life Skills for Children
page # 78
By Parenting 2.0
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page # 64
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FROM THE EDITOR
September 2013, Issue 12
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FEEDBACK Your feedback is welcome. This is your magazine too. Let us know what would help you find inner peace in parenting your children. Contact Inner Peace Parenting Magazine Magazine Privacy Policy
School has started here in the Northern Hemisphere! Even though the Summer for me is great with the flexibility of our schedule, I am ready for the fall routine again. As a rule I usually invite change since I love it. But this fall there are some changes in my kids’ lives. I will need to nourish and support more. My oldest college grad son will be studying in a Masters Program in another city for the next few years so it will be my first challenge with not having all my 4 kids nearby. I will miss having him just 20 minutes away. My second son will be finishing his last year of college her in Northern Italy and (in my opinion) will be feeling a bit lonely since he and his older brother (fought) lived together these past 3 years.
Copyright 2012 Diana Dentinger Inner Peace Parenting Magazine Sviluppo CCT sas - Italy All rights reserved under the International and Pan American Copyright Conventions. Reproduction in whole or part is prohibited without written permission from the publisher. The publisher assumes no responsibility for the unsolicited materials.
Diana Dentinger Editor in Chief
I can already read between the lines he misses his older brother too when he asks me: “So what are you and the kids doing this weekend?” He never asked that before now! Instead my younger kids just started a whole new school - actually in a whole new language. Even though I have always talked to my kids in English, now they will have lessons all day in English and not in Italian anymore. My daughter had a bit of a nervous tummy the other day. Wow, how change affects us all in different ways. Soon, my youngest son will “manifest” some sign of minianxiety and we’ll tend to that too... So as parents, not only do we manage our own “stuff” but we need to be there for our kids “stuff” too by reassuring with an “It’ll be ok!” and also by helping them move through their “emotions” in a more conscious way. My wish is that this magazine can support you through whatever you have on your personal or family “plate”. Let us know how else we can help!
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PEACE IN GUIDING
Teaching Children Life Skills A Simple but Important Step By Mustapha Himi, BSW
‘’No hitting!’’, ‘’We don’t swear in this house!’’, ‘’Don’t take the toy off your brother’’... These and more prohibitions are commonly used by parents to get their children to behave more responsibly.
2) When children hear ‘negative instructions’ often, they can get the feeling that they are not allowed to do much... that they are restricted which can lead to a feeling of imprisonment. ‘I never get to do anything!’ such children think.
‘No’, ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’ seem to be used more by parents when their children misbehave than any other words. This begs the question how effective this is in guiding children towards better behaviour.
3) Children, especially young children, can have more difficulty with translating ‘don’ts’ to ‘do’s’, which can make it difficult to respond timely to parents’ instructions.
There is nothing wrong with occasionally telling children to stop or to say no. Matter of fact, sometimes children can really use a firm ‘no’ or ‘stop’. The risk however lies in an over usage, or better said, over reliance, on such instructions for the following reasons. 1. When children hear ‘negative instructions’, i.e. instructions that communicate a prohibition often, they can become insensitive towards prohibitions when they really matter.
This can give the parents a feeling that their children are willingly disobedient. This can lead to further anger and frustration. 4) When children know what they shouldn’t do, it doesn’t mean that they know what they should do. When mom tells Jack that he shouldn’t take the toy off his brother, he might know that he needs to leave the toy in his brother’s hands, but he doesn’t learn what he can do to get the toy from his brother in a tactful, skillful and responsible way. A way in which he doesn’t get in trouble with his parents, his siblings or his peers. With other words; he doesn’t learn life skills. I therefore think that it would help if we would take a step back when a child misbehaves and ask ourselves: ‘ ’What do we need to teach this child to get what he wants, be it a toy, watching a cartoon or something else, in a more constructive way?’’ The answer is usually that we need to teach him how to do something instead of merely telling him what not to do.
Mustapha Himi Mustapha Himi is an educationist that is passionate about helping parents and children to get the best out of themselves. He is the founder of Effective Islamic Parenting (www.effectiveislamicparenting.com), a parenting service that provides parenting support to Muslim parents in a cultural sensitive way. You can contact him at mustapha.himi@gmail.com.
PEACE IN ALLOWING
Maybe for No Reason at All Create and Atmosphere of Potential By Nicki Sanders
A few years ago I was seeking an intern to support me in my role as Program Director in a youth serving agency and received a resume and cover letter that stood out to me for all the wrong reasons. I’m not sure if it was despite the red flags or because of them that I was compelled to call the college student and conduct a telephone interview. Our telephone conversation confirmed that she was unprepared to successfully perform the required internship tasks and confused about how to move forward academically and professionally. Although I had other qualified candidates to interview and lots of work to do, I scheduled a face to face interview. During our conversation I asked questions related to her school schedule, favorite courses, mentors, and career interests.
She didn’t know what she didn’t know. I allowed her to ask me questions related to my education and career path. She took lots of notes. The nervousness displayed at the beginning of our meeting disappeared and was replaced with excitement and gratitude.
By the end of the discussion we had acted out interview preparation role plays, revised her resume and cover letter, brainstormed internship opportunities that complemented her skills and interests and were easier to travel to, and come up with a list of questions to ask her college advisor so that she could make more informed decisions about her academic major. Our internship interview became an informational interview. I accepted the role of mentor for a half hour because I believe all youth need someone to believe in them and guide them while allowing them to experience life and make decisions and mistakes in a safe manner.
Self-discovery is an essential life skill. In whatever capacity you engage with young people - be it your son, neighbor, or employee - I encourage you to be open and use your compassion and special gifts to create an environment where it is safe to explore and make mistakes. I did not create a new person; I created an atmosphere of potential. The genuine interest of a stranger allowed a young woman to share her experiences and form a mighty vision for her life. You have the same power and it’s never too late to spread love.
Nicki Sanders Nicki Sanders, Chief Visionary Officer of The Teen Toolbox, uses her Packaged For Success™ programs to help teens set goals for life after high school and create a road map to reach those goals; committed to developing programs for teens in creating life-long connections and achieving economic independence. You are invited to get a free copy of “The World Is Your Classroom” Action Guide at http://theteentoolbox.com/gift .
PEACE IN MONEY
The Start of Financial Literacy Practice Managing Money By Pam Whitlock
A few years ago, I was shopping with my youngest child. We were looking for a birthday gift for one of his friends. On the first toy aisle, my son saw a shiny new soccer ball and tried to convince me to buy it. “But Mama, I need a new soccer ball. Will you buy it for me?” he begged. I told him that we had plenty of balls at home and that we most certainly did not “need” a new one. He grumbled and complained but we kept on shopping. Then we came to the aisle with the remote control helicopters. Once again, he started pleading with me to buy him a helicopter and claimed that he would never ask me for anything again. This time, however, I tried a different approach. Instead of just saying “no” and walking away, we figured out how much money he had from birthday gifts and allowances.
Once I realized that he had enough of his own money to cover it, I told him that I wasn’t going to buy it but that he could chose to buy it with his own money. We talked about how long it took him to save that money and how much would be left if he bought the helicopter. Then I gave him a few minutes to think about it. His final decision was to put the helicopter back on the shelf.
When I asked him why he wasn’t buying it, he simply said: “I decided it’s just not worth it.” That was it. No begging or pleading or whining as we left the store. He made his choice and was fine with it. He was able to practice financial decision making in a safe environment. As parents, we need to give our children the gift of financial literacy and responsibility. Learning to manage money is a life skill and all skills require practice. When we whisk away all of our children’s money so that they can’t waste it, we are removing a potential learning opportunity. They probably will make some mistakes but it’s better to make a $20 mistake with a toy than to make a $10,000 mistake with a credit card when they are older. By talking with your children about money and allowing them to practice making financial decisions, you can get your children started on a path of financial literacy.
Pam Whitlock Pam and her husband, Frank, are parents of four and are the creators of www.moneytrail.net, a free allowance and money management tool for kids, teens and families. They live in Atlanta, GA. Pam can be contacted at pam@moneytrail.net.
PEACE IN FEELING
Respond with Empathy Emotional Experiences are Real By Natanya Lara
One morning I was working at the dining room table, my 4 year old son happily engaged at his play kitchen nearby. He suddenly looked up and asked me: "where is the cookie box?", referring to a cardboard tube that had at one time held his wooden toy cookies. That tube (which was bent, torn, and hadn’t seen those wooden cookies in many months) had been thrown away. And so I told him: “Oh, sweetie, that’s been gone for a long time.” His entire face fell as he sadly said: “But it was a birthday present.” Tears followed as he felt the loss. Surprised by his response, wanting to rescue him from his sadness, I began to explain: "It was broken... the cookies are fine on the cookie sheet... you don’t need the box to play with the cookies…" thinking of anything I could say to help him feel better.
I then got down onto the ground and wrapped my arms around him, saying: “You’re really sad that it’s gone.”
And then, I stopped. In a split second I recognized that I wasn’t helping at all, but rather discounting his very real emotional experience.
I continued to hold him for a minute or two, until he decided to get up and move on to another activity.
He nodded, and I told him I understood how disappointed he was feeling.
About 10 minutes later, he was back with the cookies. “I know, mom, I can do it this way!�
"When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds.
He showed me how he would cut the cookies apart, skipping the step in which the cookie roll is taken out of the tube (as shown in the instructions he was initially trying to follow.) He was so excited and proud that he had come up with a solution.
Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great, and wonderful world.
In choosing to respond with empathy, I created a connection with my son in his moment of distress.
Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be."
With that support, he was able to move through his emotions and creatively solve the problem for himself. Often, our children just need to feel heard and understood.
Patanjali
The next time your child is frustrated or upset, I encourage you to let her feel her feelings and tell her you see how upset (disappointed, angry...) she is. Watch how she flourishes and discover how empathy draws you closer together.
Natanya Lara Natanya Lara ~ Authentic Guide for Intentional Parenting. Supporting frustrated parents in creating connected relationships with their children. Coaching, group workshops, online classes, speaking and teleseminars. Visit her at: www.natanyalara.com
PEACE IN KNOWING HOW
Life Skills 101 Preparing Children for Life By Dr. Rosina McAlpine
As parents, one of our main jobs is to prepare our children for life. Sooner than we think, our little angels leave our loving care to make their own way in the world. So, how do we prepare them for life? If you take a moment to reflect, perhaps you’ll agree that your life skills play a key role in supporting you to live a successful and happy life. While we all know that life is so busy for both parents and children today, there’s a way you can ensure that your children develop the skills they need. I’ve been teaching at university for over 25 years and I can’t tell you how many times I have heard my students say things like: “The hardest thing about going to uni is not the academics, it’s that I’ve left home and… • Mum used to do everything for me and now I have to do it myself! • I don’t know how to cook. I’m sick of living off two minute noodles and takeaway.
• I’ve given myself salmonella poisoning by putting raw chicken on my salad board. • I’m having trouble getting on with some people. I just can’t communicate or work with them. • I’ve ruined all of my clothes and all my white tee shirts are now pink! • I feel really lonely and depressed. • I’ve just failed my exam and I’ve never failed anything in my life. I can’t cope. • I don’t know how to manage my money, I’m broke. • It’s all too much, I can’t handle everything. I’m going to quit.” ...and the list goes on.
As a mother, I am very aware of how important it is for our son to develop key life skills so he’s equipped to lead a successful and fulfilling life. I want to know he will not just survive but thrive when he leaves home. But if you’re like me, your life is so busy. So what’s the solution? Here’s how I have been managing it... I include Cameron in most everyday activities so he contributes and learns first-hand. I know you’re probably thinking, it’s faster if I just do it myself. That’s true, but only in the short term in the long term your child develops skills and you have help around the home.
Here are some simple ideas: • When you’re cooking, let your children help out and talk about why you choose a variety of healthy foods so they learn about good nutrition; • When you’re paying bills or preparing the household budget, include your children so they learn about the costs involved in running your home and develop financial literacy skills; • If you’re working through a conflict with your friend or spouse, talk over your conflict resolution strategies with your child; and most importantly • Model for your children a life-long approach to learning in your own personal development and empower them with a love of learning. The key is not to make learning a ‘chore’ but to learn fun. Starting early makes it a ‘normal’ part of your child’s life which can be continued into the teenage years and beyond. Just imagine how great you’ll feel knowing that your children will leave home with a sound foundation for life skill development so they can lead happy, successful and fulfilling lives!
Dr. Rosina McAlpine Dr. Rosina McAlpine is an award-winning university educator and researcher. Her blog, life skills programs, ebooks and best-selling book, “Inspired Children: how the leading minds of today raise their kids”, support parents to raise confident, happy and capable children. www.drrosina.com
PEACE IN PUBLIC
When You Can’t be Interrupted It Just Takes a Look By Lynne Kenney
Communicating in public when you wish to provide a rather private message to your child can be difficult. Yet we wish to communicate clearly in a way that does not shame our children. Last evening I was walking on the streets of Rome and a small child, three years of age tugged on the skirt of her mother. The mother was in a heated conversation with a shop owner, negotiating a fair deal on a stunning floral scarf. I breathed and exhaled a thought of warmth and love to the ignored child, wishing that in this moment I could get down at eye level and entertain her, but that would have been intrusive so I quietly watched.
Just then, the mother reached down lovingly and stroked the hair of the child, lifting her chin so that their eyes could meet and the mother smiled. This moment of communication was a clear sign of love. She did not shush her daughter or say arretez-vous, instead she said with her eyes, I adore you even while you wait and I will attend to you in the moment. Secret signals be they touch, a glance or even an agreed upon sign between parent and child can communicate deeply and quickly while avoiding shame and enhancing attachment. Go on give it a try and see how your interactions with your children grow peacefully.
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Lynne Kenney Pediatric Psychologist Dr. Lynne Kenney, author of “The Family Coach Method”, co-author of “Bloom: Helping Children Blossom” speaks nationally on brain-based skill development and teaches motor math skills to children in need. http://www.lynnekenney.com/
PEACE IN CHALLENGES
Use Reassurance with Emotions To Climb to New Heights By Sheryl Stoller
ISSUE: Our fears often get in the way of giving ourselves and our children chances to take on challenges and the difficult emotions those bring. Even when we are clear about what we need to do, getting ourselves to do it in the whirlwind of everyday life can be difficult. Reassurance has an important role to play. But reassurance that is heard or felt as dismissive or unfounded damages relationships, self-awareness and resilience. It is important to find ways of reassuring that are well-grounded and foster growth. STORY AND KEY LEARNING: I didn’t know I could be that scared. Things had been too quiet. The kitchen window was open. I could see the bottom of our beautiful sugar maple, with crimson orange leaves, and its sturdy trunk. But not a sound from the son I had last seen and heard dribbling the basketball nearby. When I noticed the silence I craned my neck to see if I could spot him. I couldn’t.
My jaw tightened. I told myself to stay calm, and tried to reassure myself that positive scenarios were possible even if I couldn’t get myself to imagine what they were. I reassured myself that focusing on being calm was also smart because I needed to be able to think clearly to prevent or deal with any impending danger. As I rushed out the door, still no sign of him. My heart pumped increasingly fast. I could feel myself ready to run and scream for help. So much for staying calm. Instead of screaming for help, I screamed his name. As I did, I checked in all directions. Then I looked up and saw him maneuvering his legs to straddle the second highest branch of the tree, close to twenty feet off the ground. Since he had been climbing while I was calling his name, I knew that the fear in my voice had to have contributed to his decision to keep climbing higher. I had put him into further danger. That realization tapped into a fear that went far beyond the moment.
My true deepest fear was that I had failed him as his parent, not just in that moment, but in general. I couldn’t get him to listen to my limits. Testing the outer edge of his own limits had always been this son’s way of experiencing life and of figuring out who he was. From previous challenges I knew that he scoffed at my fear. He deemed my fears unfounded, and therefore reason to distrust in my judgment. It gave him reason to discount my authority incredible evidence that I failed as his parent. On that day on that tree, he was testing me as well as himself.
believed in his ability to create positive outcomes as well as in his assessments of which challenges were worth the potential failures. Did I believe in either or both of those reassurances? In part yes, in part no. Dr. Carol Dweck’s research demonstrates that a “Growth Mindset” in parents has a profound effect on their children as young adults. A growth mindset views failures as opportunities to learn the life skills and knowledge necessary to grow well. Its presence in parents/guardians is the key factor differentiating those children who feel they are thriving, resourceful young adults from those who don’t.
Yes, he was enjoying testing the limits and strength of his ability to climb. But he was also testing my ability to accurately assess him. He was looking to see if he could trust me to trust in him.
As any parent knows, adopting that mindset as philosophy is one thing. Putting it into practice on a regular basis is another. It takes frequent repetition, practice, refinement and support.
Metaphorically, the reassurance he wanted was that I could be his tree trunk, the deeply rooted grounding from which he could branch out to the farthest reaches of his abilities.
The good news is that we can control those factors. Using them to strengthen our “Growth Mindset” enhances the quality and enjoyment of life, for ourselves and our children.
Watching and hearing me yell for him, he knew he could not rely on me they way he could rely on that tree. So he climbed higher.
Not only is there behavioral research demonstrating the value of routinely practicing an emotional growth mindset, but the new understanding of brain chemistry and processes clarifies how.
What if I had not had fear in my voice as I came out the door, and instead said “Hey sweetie, where’dya go?” He might have stopped and joyfully said, “Here I am!” with the joy of climbing well in his voice. The reassurance he had wanted was that I
While a skill is being learned, each separate experience of trying signals the brain cells to make that pathway more effective and more efficient - faster, stronger and more easily accessed through changes in its tree-like trunk, roots and branches.
Why is this relevant? It reassures us that our uncomfortable and painful emotions are actually opportunities to practice and get skilled at how to use emotions well. The predictable triggers we experience day in and day out are actually gifts. They are opportunities to practice and enhance our emotional intelligence and to enhance our lives. Unfortunately, I had not figured out how to practice it often enough to access it easily. So I was not effective at it that day as I ran out the door. However, seeing how high my son was, I was scared enough to know that further failure was not an option. Determination created the growth mindset needed to safeguard my son. My fears would not further endanger him. I reassured myself that somehow I would figure out what to say or do to lead him to safety. I focused on what reassurances he needed in order to choose to climb down rather than up. Somehow I knew that he needed a solid sense of accomplishment, with nothing left to prove to himself or to me.
I succeeded, not because I fully believed it, but because I fully believed that his success, his safety that day, depended on it. Reassured that I would somehow succeed, I was able to access the full power of my brain so that I did. What worked? I turned my head towards him, consciously channeling my deep love as confidence into my voice, eyes and demeanor, and beamed, “Look at you!” PRACTICAL ACTIVITIES: • Pick one thing that happens routinely that triggers an emotion you dislike. • In the hardest 15 minutes of each day, practice both noticing your earliest sign of that emotion and reassuring yourself that you can handle and use it well. • Consider creating or using reassuring self-talk. My now 21 year-old treeclimbing son particularly likes one of the tools I use: “Be self-aware; Zoom out; Zoom in.” SUGGESTED READING: Dweck, Carol, PhD, The New Psychology of Success. New York: Random House, 2006. http:// mindsetonline.com/changeyourmindset/ firststeps/index.html Markova, Dawna, PhD, with Ann Powell. How Your Child Is Smart: A Life-Changing Approach To Learning. Boston: Conari Press, 1992. Ryan, Richard M. and Edward L. Deci, “Self-Determination Theory and the Facilitation of Intrinsic Motivation, Social Development and Well-Being.” American Psychologist, Volume 55 No.1 (January, 2000): 68-78.
Sheryl Stoller PCI Certified Parent Coach® and Certified SENG-Model Parent Groups Facilitator, founder of Stoller Parent Coaching for parents of children who are “more”, and Beyond Expectations, a trusted resource for parents when children’s abilities, sensibilities and behaviors go beyond. She invites you to contact her at, sheryl@stollerparentcoaching.com or be4parents@gmail.com
PEACE IN ENTHUSIASM
The Organizing Power of Play Turn Chores into Games By Sherlyn Pang Luedtke
Organizational skills are foundational for individuals thriving throughout their lives. Sadly, the educational experience for children is often characterized by low toned- or high pitched - mandates and punishments. Instead of stressing our kids out, and creating a negative association in their brains between learning and doing, I learned we can capitalize on their inclination to play and make the educational journey enjoyable. My own change in understanding began when I attended my cousin’s five-year-old son’s birthday party. Excited kids tore through the house and backyard. The birthday boy opened present after present, leaving wrapping paper everywhere. I sighed as I looked around at the chaos. Suddenly, my cousin’s husband held out a garbage bag and enthusiastically exclaimed:
“Who can make a basket with the wrapping paper?” Kids were diving to scoop up the bits of paper and take their shots, and the room was cleaned in no time. Then, they celebrated and high-fived each other, as if they had just won a gold medal. I was astonished at the ease and teamwork that came from turning chores into games.
Enlightened though I was, turning chores into play did not happen naturally for me, I grew better with commitment and practice.
I pulled out the stopwatch, handed him some socks, and asked him to “take his mark, get set, go!”
When my son was three years old, he loved to do jigsaw puzzles. He would do the same puzzle over and over, going for mastery. Sitting beside him, I asked if he thought he was doing the puzzle faster. He said yes.
To my surprise, he sped to his room and returned victorious. We cheered and celebrated. Then I handed him his shirts, pants, etc. until he had put all his clothes away. We celebrated again with a victory dance. He felt accomplished, and I barely lifted a finger.
I went to get my stopwatch, which I used to time exercises in my parenting workshops. This stopwatch was a tool that was off limits to him. It was strictly for my business purposes only.
These experiences taught me that our youngsters want to feel capable and important. When the whole family participates together, it builds a sense of teamwork and accomplishment.
We turned this tool into a toy by using it to time his puzzle making. Yes, indeed, he was getting faster. He got even more excited about it, so I let him work the stopwatch while I did the puzzle.
As Henry Ford brilliantly stated: “You can do anything if you have enthusiasm.”
Later that week, it was time to put laundry away. I asked my son to help and got no response. Then I remembered the stopwatch. So I turned on the enthusiasm and introduced him to a new game, the lightning laundry game. He was intrigued. I challenged him to see how fast he could put his laundry away.
Sherlyn Pang Luedtke Sherlyn Pang Luedtke is a success coach, speaker, author, and mom. Her book, “The Mommy Advantage” teaches moms how to alchemize challenges into joy, ease, and abundance. Sherlyn@PresentParentTraining.com
PEACE IN PATIENCE
Staying in Control When Things are Out of Control By Shoshana Hayman
“When I’m calm, I have no trouble responding patiently, but the problem is that my child’s tantrums jangle my nerves and I lose control of myself!”
Parents often feel stretched to the limits of their patience because of these daily minor confrontations. “I just want to get the job done and get on with things!”
I hear parents say this over and over again.
But trying to find a quick solution usually prolongs these conflicts, and getting angry spoils the atmosphere as well as the relationship.
They might be talking about their 5 year old who is whining because he wants them to buy him the toy he sees on the shelf in the store, their 10 year old who is complaining because he claims it was his brother who made the mess that he now has to clean, or their 15 year old who criticizes the family rules.
Seeing the child in a different way can help parents stay calm when their children are not. When parent and child are together, their brains do a dance! The parent can lead the child to a state of calm, rather than the child leading the parent into agitated confrontation. In each of the scenarios mentioned and in many others like them, the child is feeling frustration, one of our most primitive emotions. He is confronted with something he cannot have, a reality he doesn’t agree with, a situation he wants to change.
When children are frustrated, it is normal for them to have temper tantrums, bite, kick, hit, throw things, slam doors, yell or talk back.
It helps to remember that children cannot yet control their impulses to hold on to their demands or to behave aggressively.
They have not yet developed the ability to adapt quickly to the given circumstances.
When the parent remains calm, patient, compassionate, warm and loving, the child then feels safe, that someone is in charge, and that his parent can handle his out-of-control behavior.
Their brains have not yet reached a level of development that helps them think of their options and choose their responses maturely. These are processes that take years to come into full fruition. The most important role and perhaps the greatest challenge of parents is to believe in and support these processes which bring out the finest human qualities caring, patience, thoughtfulness, courage, flexibility, self-control, adaptability, and responsibility. One of the ways parents can fulfill this role is to remain calm when the child is not.
The child can then come to rest and begin to see a different reality. Parents can see themselves as a safe haven as they accompany their children through the maze of getting from their feelings of frustration and anger to their feelings of disappointment, sadness, and coming to terms with what they cannot change. Perhaps this perspective will help parents remain calm and in control when their children are not.
Shoshana Hayman Shoshana Hayman, lecturer, group facilitator, and consultant to parents and teachers, is Director of Life Center, Center for Attachment Parenting in Israel, and International Director in Israel for the Neufeld Institute, Canada shoshana@lifecenter.org.il
PEACE IN MESSAGING
Excessive Texting How Harmful is it for Our Kids By Shahzad Hassan Butt
TAP! TAP! CLICK! TAP TAP CLICK! That repeated chorus is ringing in our ears continuously at an alarming pace. No, it is not the sound of a water pipe leakage or any grasshopper chirping in the back yard, it is sound of children’s fingers continuously tapping buttons as they make their way to compose texts message and send it to perhaps dozens of recipients on their contact lists. We all know that this will eventually become a perpetual state of affairs. In fact, statistically speaking, approximately 1.5 million smartphones are activated every day, and that is just on the android side of things. As the numbers and the users of smart phones multiply exponentially every day, so do their uses, as well as their harmful effects. These harmful effects don’t necessarily have to affect the older age group primarily because they have already passed their developed stages and have molded in to adult human beings.
Worst case scenario for these adults will be that as they age, their prolonged usage for using cell phones will have a negative effect on their eyesight, forcing them to start wearing paraphernalia that will help to augment their vision once more. However, that is not where the problem lies. The problem lies with the adolescent groups, which are developing or are about to be developed in the process.
This would include in children falling in to the age groups between 13 - 18. There are lots of harmful effects that can arise due to excessive texting which will be detrimental in the child’s physical and mental development process. According to Pew Research Center, 80% of smart phone users are found engaged in texting, either sending or receiving text messages. This is not the end of the story but in fact the beginning. Parents, you will be surprised to know that the 97% of the users found engaged in texting are from 18 - 29 of ages. All that rigorous movement of fingers can and will have an adverse effect on the mind of a child especially in academics, physical activity, and social behavior, the most concerned. Starting with their social behavior, children more or less communicate with their friends using texting jargon such as LOL or OMG, LMAO which describe their feelings in response to a text sent before. Mark Fontaine, EdD, a Rhode Islandbased high school teacher and graduate of the University of Phoenix doctoral
program in educational leadership, sees the texting phenomenon firsthand among his students. He reports that children using such jargon will inevitably impair their speech and writing habits because as they spend a lot of time texting, they immediately become accustomed to that pattern. “I’ve been teaching for 18 years, and I’ve always had to teach students the importance of using good, formal writing and speaking skills instead of informal street language. Because this eventually removes the effort factor out of the equation.“ Children begin to start using these slang words repeatedly which immediately start stringing along with them as they get prepared for their science projects, tests or annual papers. Not only this, instead of communicating with a head on conversation with their classmates, they prefer texting to hover the conversation. This can actually have a harmful effect on their communication skills because as they continuously text, they are unable to practice with how to interact with society.
Shahzas Hassan Butt Shahzad Hassan Butt (@shahzad_Butt) is a founding Editor of www.mobilespyapps.com, a site to help Parents to monitor their kids in the mobile phone era. He is an expert inbound marketer and provide consultancy to B2B and B2C companies.
PEACE IN ENERGY
The Power to Heal Soulful Work to Get Unstuck By Herschel Lazaroff
TWENTY YEARS AGO, Herschel Lazaroff was a businessman with a background in physics and psychology. He was healthy, but not overly. Then, in 1994, Lazaroff attended an energy workshop and was turned on to the field. He said at the workshop there was a woman who took pictures of people’s auras. She told him, “Your entire being is healing energy, and you have very powerful thoughts.” So Lazaroff learned more, and a few years ago he took his part-time gig - which already had resulted in many healing successes - and made his energy-healing practice full time. Lazaroff is an Orthodox Chabad Lubavitch individual. He said his energy work is based on the Torah and comes from a Jewish place. In ancient times, he explained, when a person was sick, he or she would visit the navi (prophet) and ask for spiritual guidance in order to heal. The navi would have the person do teshuva (repentance) and offer a sacrifice to God.
Lazaroff is not a prophet, but he works with that same philosophy in mind. Lazaroff explained that there are four types of souls, and each heals in a different way: the conventional soul (this soul responds to Western medicine, drugs), the natural soul (needs treatment with wheat grass, coffee enemas, etc.), the integrated soul (the best of all worlds - a combination of natural and traditional healing methods) and the spiritual soul. Healing of the spiritual soul is the deepest level of healing, and it affects all the higher levels.
Lazaroff explained that his healing works because he is removing energy blocks.
Rivka Malka Perlman is one of Lazaroff ’s biggest fans.
When a person is being tested by God, challenged in some way, he or she can become stuck - and this can result in physical and emotional pain or the inability to move to a next phase in life.
She said her husband was experiencing neck pain. She sent him to Lazaroff, who after one session - mostly spent talking relieved the pain. Also, her husband was diagnosed with meningitis and hospitalized.
“There is a block in the energy flow. ... I facilitate the person removing the blocks,” he said, noting you need to understand who you are. Lazaroff has helped people become open to marriage (women who have come to him unable to find a match are known to do so within a year), has assisted women in getting pregnant (40 out of 48 of the women who have worked with him have become pregnant within a year) and solved basic health concerns such as sore knees and back pain. People come once, maybe twice, and then move on.
“Herschel came, and he was out of the hospital the next day,” said Perlman. “It’s physical healing through the spiritual realm. ... Herschel opens doors.” There are countless similar stories. Go online to YouTube and the Kosher Healing channel, and dozens of others tell their stories, too. Lazaroff is also there, explaining his healing secrets. Said Lazaroff: “People come to me primarily to change their lives.”
Herschel Lazaroff Herschel Lazaroff is a gifted man on a mission. Using techniques culled from a number of sources (physics, quantum mechanics, bau-biology, kinesiology, remote-viewing and remote-healing, real Kabbalah, etc.), he is able to serve as a conduit for healing energy. Learn more about Lazaroff at creativeideal.com/happyherschel
PEACE IN TALENTS
Beyond Reading & Writing Beyond Your Schema by Wendy Wolff, MPH
When my son was in third grade, he told me that everyone called him the devil. In his little 8 year old mind, he was a goner. We were both heartbroken. The problem with my baby was that he was different. He was overly sensitive to sound so that when the noise level got too much for him to manage, his reaction would be to make even louder noises. His personal bubble of safety was extremely close to his body thus any fast movements near him would result in his retaliation.
Yet--- those words changed his life completely.
This landed him in the time-out chair, on the sidelines at recess and in the principal’s office further perpetuating the idea that he is incapable of success.
That very same day, I had received a blender for my birthday. Unbeknownst to me, I had forgone a step in setup and soon enough there was smoothie all over the kitchen.
Isn’t that preposterous? No one in all of their academic brilliance knew how to help him learn.
My boy came charging into the kitchen and said, “let me see the blender. I can fix it”.
Year after year, a multitude of incidents led up to him finally getting a title that everyone felt suited him and was awfully mean.
I tried to shoo him away but something inside of me said, let him do it. After a brief peering at it he knew exactly what I had done wrong.
I retrieved two other items that were on my to do list: the food processor and bike lock. Within seconds, both were fixed and I was taught how to use all three properly. This is the boy who can’t read, has been labeled a nuisance, has inappropriate behavior according to teachers, and isn’t motivated by classwork. We jumped for joy. We discussed this incredible magic that his mind can do when seeing how the mechanical perspective. He had HOPE! Children have an abundance of skills and talents. At some point we need to reframe the academic dialogue to assist children with uncovering exactly what those talents are.
He has money in his pocket, a sense of self-worth and is simultaneously doing a good deed. It should be a requirement of every adult to understand that talent may sometimes lie deep within. They should know to see beyond the surface. Writing a kid off because they don’t fit your schema is antiquated and cruel. It is our one job as adults to help each and every child figure out what those gifts are and how to use them. It simply goes beyond teaching kids to read and write. It just has to.
At 8 years old he was deemed an academic disaster. Yet he can fix just about anything. Fast forward almost 6 years later and this “devil” and “failure” is operating two profitable entrepreneurial businesses: he details cars in our neighborhood and works on a horse farm for the wheelchaired bound owner.
Wendy Wolff Wendy Wolff is regards herself as an observer of life and works diligently to help fellow community members achieve a peaceful existence. Currently she is working on a collection of essays aimed at Making Life Easier and was recently published by KidzEdge Magazine http://kidzedge.com/ recent-issues/a-secret-for-all-moms/ in their July 19, 2013 edition.
PEACE IN DIFFERENT
The Power of Perception Turn Their Spots into Rainbows By Wendy Snodgrass
I was raised with a saying that shaped the way I perceive life’s imperfections. My Mother always says:“Turn your spots into rainbows.” We all have ‘spots’ of some kind. For one it is as minor as a two-inch scar on the arm and for another, they might not have an arm. For everyone, insecurities are as powerful as we perceive them to be. My spots are the result of Vitiligo, autoimmune disorder. My body believes some pigment cells are foreign so it fights them off; leaving my olive toned pigment blotched with white skin.
I found girlfriends who were genuine, supportive and compassionate. They didn’t compete for best legs. Theirs were prettier but mine were interesting! (Just ask my grandpa who grabbed a marker and turned the spots on my leg into an image of the United States.)
Since I was very small, I heard my mother’s words of affirmation so often that I became skilled at looking for ‘positive’ aspects of a frustrating problem. Here’s how it worked for me…
I relied on a strong personality rather than my body to catch a guy’s attention.
I protected myself from sunburns while others lathered in baby oil then sunbathed on aluminum foil.
… And eventually, by my thirties when I realized normal is boring, I learned to appreciate being a little different.
Unfortunately an adolescent cannot see in hindsight, nor do they want to when their sole purpose in life is to be normal and blend in. By demonstrating this trait, repeatedly, we can teach small children unique skills to survive their teenage years: Recognize the negative, find the positive, and do something with both! “While you two were fighting over how full the glass was, I drank it. Signed, the opportunist.” (Anonymous)
We can empower our children through disappointments like not being invited or not making the team. Help them understand why, for example, there were only 10 spots on the team. Next, teach them to accept their circumstances or limitations. And finally, seize the opportunity: “Now, that we don’t have to buy soccer uniforms, we can buy that karate class!” “Turn your spots into rainbows” taught me to see rainbows in others and the world. Hopelessly optimistic? No, a person can’t ignore their spots or a smudged world. We CAN adapt to our circumstances in a realistically-positive and wisely-enchanting way. Rainbows transfer power from a negative and use it to empower a positive. That’s the power of perception.
Wendy W. Snodgrass Wendy is the Founder/Director of a service-learning & life skill program for teens that you can visit at www.LearningLifeCo.org & a professional writer. Find her at www.DeLuciaScript.com.
PEACE IN SMARTS
Develop Intelligence Train Your Brain to be Skillful By Roger Stark
As parents, we want our children to be successful in life - to do better than we ourselves have done. But we may look at their academic performance, or their social relationships, or their initiative and wonder how we can help them along that path. First, here are a few questions to ask yourself: How good are you at focusing on something you’re working on and ignoring things that are going on around you? And how good is your child? Can you actually see an image when you read these words, “There’s a giraffe with fuzzy bunny slippers?” Can your child? When you were in school, did you have a hard time taking notes and listening to the teacher talk at the same time? Does your child?
Do you know exactly what is at the bottom of their backpack or purse? Does your child? These may seem like odd questions, because you may think - as many people do - that these are just things that people are good at - or not good at. The truth, however, is that these abilities are processes that our brains use to take in and manage the information in the world around us. These processes are called cognitive skills.
For example, focusing on something requires a cognitive skill called selective attention and staying focused requires sustained attention. Maybe you’ve never thought about whether there were different kinds of attention! Seeing a picture of a giraffe wearing bunny slippers involves a process called visualization. Taking notes puts a skill called working memory to the test. As to what’s at the bottom of your backpack or purse … that brings together a series of planning, visualization, and organization skills. When we think about how our brains process information, the word “intelligence” often comes up. It turns out that intelligence is not one thing. It is about a whole slew of cognitive skills that our brains have
- to a greater or less degree - and how those skills work together. One of the most important things to understand about these skills is that we can develop and strengthen them. In the same way we can build physical strength and flexibility, we can train our brains to have stronger and more flexible processing capabilities. TIP: Help your child understand that we develop our own brains as we interact with the environment. A tremendous asset in this effort is a brain-training programs like BrainWare SAFARI that has been shown to improve cognitive skills by over 4 years in 12 weeks. In choosing a brain-training program, make sure it has published research showing the effects and make sure to use it as recommended.
Roger Stark Roger Stark is the Founder and CEO of Learning Enhancement Corporation. (Chicago, IL) Learning Enhancement Corporation is a Chicago-based company that develops software combining neuroscience with motivating video-game technology. http://www.mybrainware.com
The September 2013 Contributors
GLOBAL AMBASSADORS
More about the role of Global Ambassadors
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