Piece of Cake by Doru Marculescu MBA

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

PIECE OF CAKE 12-round play – for pros By Doru Marculescu

Characters: GEORGE LASER – sales executive, around 25, alias “JOEL” – youthful, shy and flat voice; ALIDRUC KERIM – coach/manager, aged 40, alias “GURU” – steady though unctuous voice; BILL MUFFET – magnat/businessman, aged 30 plus, alias“NERO” – deep, thunderous voice; ANNOUNCER – sports commentator – girl, high-pitched, brisk voice.

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Preamble THE ACTION TAKES PLACE IN A BOXING RING. ANNOUNCER: Laaadies and geeents! Welcome to the National Kick-Selling Preliminaries. The hall is full to overflowing on the night of the great show. In a few moments the candidates for the title shall make their way towards the ring. You are about to witness an unprecedented show of force and strategy. Prepare yourselves for blood and tears. THE AUDIENCE STARTS TO ROAR. ANNOUNCER: This evening you will see a ... miiilion dollar bout. For the first time in the ring, George Laser, alias Joel! Though youth and enthusiastic, he looks quite dishevelled. Are we going to witness the start of a new champion? Or shall we be witnesses to yet another live execution? THE AUDIENCE RESPONDS WITH TIMID APPLAUSE. ANNOUNCER: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, as Laser is coached by the wellknown and magnificent former champion: master Alidruuuc Kerim! A true Guru of the ring, weary yet greenful, an exceptional professional who has not known defeat throughout his entire career. THE AUDIENCE CHANTS: “LEA-DER, LEA-DER!” ANNOUNCER: Laaadies and geeents! So far undefeated, possessed of an admirable excellence of manipulation, a fragrant miracle of persuasion: in the lively enthusiasm of the gallery (THE AUDIENCE: "KI-LLER! KI-LLER!") the extraordinary champion Biiil Muuuffeeet enters the ring! Also known as Neeerooo, he has five mentally retarded, two socially maladapted, four retards and three schizophrenics to his credit. What a great man! AUDIENCE: KILL HER, KILL HER! GURU: Are you ready? NERO: He looks ready… JOEL: Father, our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name. GURU: It’s only a game… JOEL: Thy Kingdom come.

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

NERO: Where is your mum? JOEL: Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. GURU: Watch out your head… JOEL: And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. GURU: (SHOWING) Play your feet thus… JOEL: And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. NERO: I am the winner primeval. JOEL: Amen. ANNOUNCER: Two brave, decided men. JOEL: Angel of God, my guardian dear… NERO: I smell some fear… JOEL: To whom God's love commits me here… GURU: Start your career… JOEL: Ever this day, be at my side… ANNOUNCER: Jekyll and Hyde… JOEL: To light and guard, rule and guide. NERO: You will be fried… JOEL: Amen. NERO: Again. GURU: Three, two, one, leave your corner! NERO: He’d have better brought a mourner. GONG! JOEL: You are done. ANNOUNCER: The show has begun.

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Round I DEATHLY SILENCE. JOEL DIALS A NUMBER ON HIS MOBILE PHONE – BEEPS CAN BE HEARD. ANNOUNCER: Seems like Joel is not familiar with the gloves. GURU: Don’t forget: never lower your guard... JOEL: (TIMIDLY, FAR OFF) Hello! ANNOUNCER: A light, badly aimed punch. NERO: YES! GURU: Protect yourself always... ANNOUNCER: Muffet counter with a punch in the mouth. Joel reels. GURU: Move nearer! JOEL: (STILL TIMIDLY) Hello, I am George Laser from Media News. ANNOUNCER: Laser punches like a lady. GURU: Cover up! NERO: (LANDING A HARD PUNCH) And what do you want from me? ANNOUNCER: Muffet catches him with his guard up and plunges his fist in his stomach. GURU: Come on, hit him! JOEL: (SLOWLY) I am calling in the hope you might accept me to present you, if I may... ANNOUNCER: Laser corners the champion, though quite unconvincingly. GURU: Come on, lad, livelier! NERO: Be brief, money is time. ANNOUNCER: Muffet comes back in the centre and retorts vulgarly. GURU: Come on, lad, this is not a game of chess. AUDIENCE: “LA-SER, LA-SER!” JOEL: I wanted to present you our offer concerning your listing in... ANNOUNCER: Laser seems to recollect himself, but kicks hesitantly... NERO: My listing? ANNOUNCER: ...missing his target.

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

JOEL: (KICKS LIGHTLY) Well, of your company... GURU: Move on, take him from the right. NERO: Listing in what…? ANNOUNCER: But the champion doesn’t miss and lands a hard blow between his ribs. Joel reels. JOEL: In the catalogue... NERO: (KICKS) I’m busy right now. ANNOUNCER: Laser withstands the blow... GURU: Kick him, lad, for heaven’s sake! AUDIENCE (GRADUALLY TURNS INTO): “LOO-SER, LOO-SER!” JOEL: (DIZZY) I beg your pardon. ANNOUNCER: Joel is in a sad plight… NERO: Okay, are you done? GURU: Cosh him! JOEL: May I call you back later? GURU: Is he stupid or what...? NERO: (WITH A WELL-AIMED BLOW, HANGS UP) You may. ANNOUNCER: An uppercut that shuttered his brains. GURU: Don’t let him get away. JOEL: (DIZZY) Good day. GONG!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Break 1 NERO: To hell with your offers! ANNOUNCER: Let’s hope though we shall not waste our time tonight. GURU: What was that? NERO: (ORDERS) A fresh orange juice. JOEL: He gave me a tough time. GURU: I wasn’t referring to him, but to you. JOEL: I really caught it in the neck. GURU: Well, what did you expect him to do? Caress you? Ask you to attack him? JOEL: He kicked me as if I were a cow. GURU: He couldn’t possibly mistake you. ANNOUNCER: A first warm-up round for the champion from which Laser got out quite banged. JOEL: What was I supposed to do? GURU: Strike him at least one good blow. JOEL: But you said footwork is the key. GURU: Lad, you have a problem with your head, not feet. You let him dominate you continually. JOEL: He was busy. GURU: And you thought he was expecting you, didn’t you? He had nothing better to do and was desperate you didn’t call. You bloody idiot! ANNOUNCER: Guru seems to be encouraging him... GURU: And what was that crap (IMITATING) “May I call you back later”? Even if he was busy, you shouldn’t have left empty-handed. JOEL: I tried, but he rushed me. GURU : You should’ve broken his nose (SOBER): “When may I call you back: this afternoon or tomorrow morning?” Clear? NERO: (STRETCHING AND ORDERING) I’m thirsty. Beer! GURU: Even better: “one or two o’clock”? JOEL: In the morning?

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

GURU: Nay, in autumn. Give him the chance of choosing, let him feel good. NERO DOZES OFF AND STARTS SNORING. ANNOUNCER: Muffet is full of energy. GURU: He’ll have the impression that it’s him who decides. JOEL: I haven’t thought of that. GURU: You’re not here to think, but to fight! Get it? JOEL: Yea, boss. GURU: (IRONICALLY) Well done! “May I call you back later?” What could he say? Yes or NOOO. And NO means Knock Out. JOEL: (PENITENTLY) I’m sorry. GURU: Don’t let him lead the talk. Be polite, but firm. JOEL: I see! GURU: Fortunately he didn’t say no. ANNOUNCER: Nobody expected Laser to resist the first round. GONG! GURU : Now you go there and work! Think like a champ, (OFF) you moron. ANNOUNCER: Seeecond round.

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Round II IN HIS CORNER, JOEL IS THROWING HIS FISTS ABSENT-MINDEDLY, MORE AND MORE JERKILY, LEFT AND RIGHT, WHILE NERO KEEP SNORING. ANNOUNCER: The champion looks quite concentrated. JOEL: (DIALING) Come on, pick up! PHONE RINGING. JOEL: (ON THE SECOND RING): Pick uuuup... ANNOUNCER: Laser insists. ON THE THIRD RING JOEL HANGS UP. GURU: What are you doing, lad? JOEL: (EXCUSING) I may be disturbing him. GURU: See that I don’t disturb your façade. Call him till he picks up. JOEL HITS REDIAL. NERO: Who the hell...? JOEL: Please, pick up. NERO: That shit again? GURU: Don’t you hang up or I’ll kill you. NERO: (AFTER THREE RINGS REJECTS THE CALL) Balls to your beeps! JOEL: (PUTTING THE PHONE DOWN) He hang up. GURU: Of course he did, you should have given him a moment. JOEL: But, you said... GURU: He might be in a meeting. NERO: (ORDERS) Coffee, quick. GURU: Now what! Are you expecting him to call you back? JOEL: Well, maybe he hasn’t done. GURU: What’s up, lad, tired already? JOEL: (REDIALLING) No, boss. ANNOUNCER: Joel does not give up. NERO: (FUMBLING WITH THE PHONE) I’ll put it on vibrate, motherfuckers... GURU: That’s it, don’t give up!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

NERO: ...maybe Godfather will call, though. GURU: Keep trying till you strike home. JOEL: (LETTING THE PHONE RING) Helloo! NERO: (PHONE VIBRATES) He’s playing with fire. JOEL (DESPERATE, KEEPS THROWING BLOWS IN THE AIR, STUMBLES AND FALLS) HELLOOO! HEEELL! ANNOUNCER: Laser is full of force. AFTER FIVE RINGS: (V.O.) "BEEP. PLEASE LEAVE YOUR MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP. WHEN FINISHED, HANG UP. BEEP." JOEL: (HANGS UP AND PICKS HIMSELF UP) Nooo. Not again! GURU: Don’t throw in the towel, you have nothing to lose. JOEL: My brains, boss. GURU: Exactly, nothing to lose. NERO: What if I took the battery out? Now be my guest to call as long as you want, moron. ANNOUNCER: Is this the end of it? GURU: Come on, one last try. JOEL: (DIALLING) I could leave him a message. GURU : ‘tis now or never. ANNOUNCER: Joel is on his knees. JOEL: I beg you, pick uuuup… VOICE-OFF SPEAKING: "...THE SUBSCRIBER YOU HAVE CALLED IS NOT RECEIVING CALLS AT THIS TIME. PLEASE CALL BACK LATER." GONG!. JOEL: (FALLS TO THE GROUND) Miserable!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Break 2 ANNOUNCER: So far Laser has been nothing but a sparring-partner. JOEL: "Beep" yourself. NERO: (GRINNING, TO THE BARMAN) Whisky... GURU: (HELPING HIM TO THE CHAIR) Up-a-daisy! NERO: ...and a Havana! JOEL: "Beep" him and his mouth! GURU: All right, that’s enough! ANNOUNCER: Let us hope though that Laser shall start the bout. JOEL: What the "beep"? GURU: Listen, lad, you keep your “BEEP” in your trousers, not in your mouth. Understood? Let jerkoffs and faggots talk dirty. JOEL: …stinking fascist and rotten bastard... GURU: Hey, you may not curse him till you have the signed agreement in your hands. NERO: (DRINKING HIS GLASS IN ONE SWALLOW) Damn you all to hell, you “beep” stupid salesmen... GURU: Signed and sealed. JOEL: Didn’t you see, boss, what that bloody motherfucker did to me? NERO: Aborted beggars. GURU: And what did you expect, lad? See him begging you to accept a few million out of his pocket? NERO: Stinking bores. JOEL: He could have said something: that he wasn’t interested, he couldn’t... Something, anything, bloody terrorist... GURU: That you won’t see. They’re all the same: the more they need you, the more they torture you. NERO: (ECSTATICALLY DRAWING ON HIS CIGAR) Oh yeah! JOEL: But this is inhuman. GURU: And if they don’t need you, they simply enjoy torturing you. JOEL: But why?

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

GURU: Because this is their way of justifying their incompetence. JOEL: Yet they run empires… GURU: Built through tyranny and cheating. JOEL: They are influential people… GURU: Who are now getting their revenge for their unhappy childhood. JOEL: They are powerful people… GURU: Who tremble at the thought that their ignorance might be discovered. JOEL: Why don’t they simply turn down our offer, then? Why do they give us false hope? GURU: ‘Cause they are chicken and hard-hearted. ANNOUNCER: Will miss Laser withstand one more round? GURU: And how do you think he made all those millions, lad? By being honest, sincere and open-minded? JOEL: How else? GURU: You have to be bloody-minded, a real dog, get it? Joel gives the chair a kick and whines in pain. GURU: That’s more like it. Let me see... You look great. This is still better than selling insurance policies, isn’t it? JOEL nods his assent. GURU: Remember he’s off-guard after each blow. That’s when you use your left. Quick. And double. Tol-lol! Bang. But in the meantime you’ll still have to parry some of those rights. JOEL: Did you see any pass my head? GURU: None. They stopped right in it. JOEL: Listen, boss, at least give me your phone so that he does not recognize my number! GURU: Sure… and the hand of my daughter as a bonus? Be serious, think this is a fairy tale? GONG! ANNOUNCER: Will the small and innocent David manage to defeat the brave and mean Goliath?

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Round III JOEL: (DIALLING THE NUMBER) Hello. I’m calling back. ANNOUNCER: Joel lounges across the ring and delivers a heavy blow to Muffet. NERO: What for? ANNOUNCER: ...but the shock makes him lose his balance for a moment. JOEL: I am Joel Laser... NERO: (OFF) Quite bold, this guy. GURU: Work his body... JOEL: ...from... NERO: I know who you are. What do you want from me? JOEL: (STARTING HIS MASSAGE) You know… the offer I’ve talked to you about. ANNOUNCER: ...recollects himself and attacks desperately. NERO: What offer, lad? ANNOUNCER: Actually I’ve got the impression Joel is giving him something like a massage. JOEL: About the listing in the catalogue... NERO: What catalogue? Don’t you ever tire? ANNOUNCER: Muffet is withdrawing. GURU: Do him a plastic surgery. ANNOUNCER: Pardon! Muffet counter-attacks. JOEL: ...of most important persons in business envelope industry. GURU: Give him a good going-over. NERO: (STARTING TO PAY ATTENTION) And how do you know about my envelopes, pray? JOEL: I found you in Brown Pages. ANNOUNCER: Now he’s giving him a gentle pinch. NERO: Oh, those scoundrels. They listed me free, just to receive an envelope. ANNOUNCER: He seems to be doing a Heimlich manoeuver. NERO’S BACK IS HEARD CRACKING AND HE MOANS IN PLEASURE. JOEL: I thought you were number one in the business.

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

GURU : That’s it, humiliate him. ANNOUNCER: The champion is like putty in Joel’s hands. NERO: That is correct. ANNOUNCER: Joel bends his hand behind him. JOEL: And prewashed envelopes. ANNOUNCER: ...and now a right which makes Muffet turn around. NERO: Looks like you did your homework, didn’t you? GURU: Reshape him. JOEL: Plus real estate envelopes. ANNOUNCER: And that’s a good left. JOEL: (MASSAGING RIBS) And the anonymous ones. ANNOUNCER: Muffet must have felt that. NERO: Whow, whow! You’re tickling me. GURU: Come on, the fatal blow. JOEL: Correct me if I am wrong. You have a monopoly in cellulose industry, control stationery distribution and own two of the three papermaking factories.. ANNOUNCER: A real shower of well-aimed blows. NERO: All right, that was enough, send me that offer... ANNOUNCER: The two embrace, one worn-out by the blows taken, the other by those given. JOEL: I could bring it personally. NERO: ...by fax... JOEL: As you wish... NERO: ...next week. And we shall see (HANGS UP). JOEL: Helloo? He hung up. GONG!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Break 3 ANNOUNCER: What a comeback! GURU: Finally! JOEL: I did away with it! Boss, I was so scared... GURU: Listen, lad, courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it! JOEL: I managed to send the offer and got out in one piece. GURU: (STUDIYNG HIM): Only a detached retina and a loose tooth. Not bad, really! JOEL: Thanks to Heaven, it’s over! I resisted all three rounds. ANNOUNCER: Joel clearly has potential. GURU: Right! Only nine more rounds left. JOEL: Whaaaat? GURU: Maybe less, if you concentrate. JOEL: How’s that, boss? GURU: If you knock him out. JOEL: Not that, I thought it was over. GURU: You’ve just got through the baptism. The real thing begins now! JOEL: But boss, I’m totally clapped-out. ANNOUNCER: Joel is full of energy. GURU: Look here laddie, this was just the warm-up. Do you want to turn professional? NERO: (ORDERS) Brandy... GURU : Or would you rather stay a lousy amateur? NERO : And a glass of soda. JOEL: Pro, boss! But not from the very first... GURU: Know what? I say you make up your mind! NERO: (DRINKS AND COMES TO) Pshaw! Now I’ll teach him a lesson. JOEL: But I’m scared, boss! That bloke will either beat my brains out or leave me whacky for good! GURU: There’s no other way. Swallow it and shut up! ANNOUNCER: Joel is determined to win…

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

JOEL: Can’t take it anymore! GURU: Shut up and dig! JOEL: Please, boss, I’ve had enough... NERO: (ORDERS) One more… with gin. GURU: And what do you think, lad? That I want to wash dishes because of you? JOEL: I thought... GURU: You thought what? Do you think that is someone interested of what are you thinking? I don’t give a “beep” what you thought? There’s only one thing that matters: what you do, not what you think! JOEL: He’ll hack my shins, can’t take it anymore. I’m worn-out. GURU: No shit! And tomorrow, next month, what will you eat, lad? Frustration with a garnish of anguish, right? ANNOUNCER: Guru can barely stop him from pouncing before the ring bell sounds. JOEL: He’s already pulled out two of my teeth. I’m afraid that if I lost my teeth I won’t be able to eat at all. GURU: Never fear, you’ll eat smashed potatoes. And spinach as well, to build up your strength. Needs no chewing, just swallowing. ANNOUNCER: Anyway, he resisted two rounds more than we expected him to. GURU: One more thing, laddie. Smille all the time. JOEL: Even on the phone? GURU: Especially on the phone. You’ll sound more convincing, trust me! JOEL: Ok, I’ll do as you say. Hope it helps. GURU: By the way, have you said your prayers? The real thing begins now. JOEL: Oh God, give me the strength to call and get an appointment, to accept postponements and get over rejections, and the wisdom to discern these. Schmuck! GONG ! GURU : Good luck!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Round IV ANNOUNCER: The bout is relaunched. JOEL: (SMILES DUMBLY) Hello, Mister Muffet. NERO: (DRYLY) YES. ANNOUNCER: Muffet’s right is his best asset. JOEL: George Laser speaking. ANNOUNCER: Let us hope we shall see a show. NERO: (OFF) That calf again! Blow! GURU: Be aware, stay tune. JOEL: One minute, please. NERO: (KICKS WHILE COUNTING) Be quick, my nerve hurts. Sixty, fif-nine... ANNOUNCER: Rights follow one another. GURU: Dodge the uppercut and keep away from him. JOEL: I hope you received my offer. NERO: No. Fif-one, fifty... ANNOUNCER: Another good right from Muffet. JOEL: I sent it by fax last week. NERO: The fax was out of paper. Fort-five, fort-four... ANNOUNCER: Muffet is crushing him. GURU: Counter-attack! ANNOUNCER: JOEL is just a chunk of meat. JOEL: And by post... NERO: Changed address. Thir-three, thir-two... ANNOUNCER: Joel makes an attempt to kick, but fails. GURU: Wanna see a counter. JOEL: And on your e-mail address. NERO: Which one? Tweny-five, tweny-four... ANNOUNCER: He seems to be playing with Laser. This is the word. GURU: Insist. JOEL: Both.

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

ANNOUNCER: Joel counter-attacks. NERO: Oh, it was from you! Ni-teen, ei-teen... ANNOUNCER: Nero is a monster. GURU: Don’t let him kick you. JOEL: Have you got around to looking it over? NERO: Not yet. Fo-teen, thi-teen... ANNOUNCER: Muffet caught his head. GURU: Hey, are you going to kick him or strangle him? JOEL: (IN A CHOKED VOICE) Shall I send it again? NERO: Needless. ANNOUNCER: Nero lands a fine uppercut which makes Joel kneel. JOEL: (COWERING) Then I shall call back next week. ANNOUNCER: Joel’s getting it real bad. Ten, nine... NERO: I’ll be off... ANNOUNCER: Nero gives him a kick in the stomach. Guru is scandalized. GURU: This is a downright massacre. ANNOUNCER: A real mean kick. Six, five... JOEL: (CHOKING) Next month, maybe? NERO: You may try. ANNOUNCER: Joel caught a kick right in the mouth. Guru leaps inside the ring. GURU: No, this is intoler... ANNOUNCER: Three, two... GONG!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Break 4 ANNOUNCER: Muffet shall be penalized for the end of this round. JOEL: (SUFFERING) Boss, one question... GURU: Bark it out! ANNOUNCER: Joel resists like a rock. JOEL: Is this going to go on for long? GURU: Again with that? When you have the agreement in your hands you’ll have done with it. JOEL: What if I cannot convince him? GURU: There’s no such thing as "I CANNOT"! JOEL: No? GURU: Impossible it's not possible! Non e posibile! CAPISCI? JOEL: What if I cannot sell? GURU: Look here laddie: nobody wants anybody to sell him something. But they’re all crazed about buying. Stand up, we’re tired. Let me take a break. GURU SITS ON THE CHAIR. JOEL: How can I make him buy? GURU: Give him what he wants, not what you wanna sell. Tell him what he has to gain, he’ll surely be interested. Let’s see, give me a massage. JOEL: All right, but how do I go about it? GURU: I see you are pretty good at it. It’s like magic. A bit to the left. JOEL : (STARTS KNEADING HIM) I was talking about selling, boss. Please, do teach me! GURU: AIDA, lad, haven’t you heard of it? JOEL: Of course I have! Verdi’s opera. But I haven’t seen it ‘cause I had tonsillitis. GURU: They did you the wrong surgery: they removed your brain. And stitched a hymen instead... JOEL: On my word of honour, boss! And then I caught scarlet fever.

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

GURU: Ecce homo! How have I wronged you, God? (STANDING) If I knew you were a virgin in sales... I’ve had enough! I’ll “beep” you (GIVES HIM A KICK UP THE BACKSIDE) till the brain in your pants is aroused. JOEL: Ouch, my ass! What have I said, boss? GURU: Shut up, you cesspool innocence! Hear me out: Aida, yes? JOEL: Yeees... GURU: Well, nothing? JOEL: (INNOCENTLY) What? GURU: AIDA, lad: A-Attraction, I-Interest, D-Desire and A... JOEL: Aaa... GURU: (ORDERING) Absinthe... JOEL: Ahaaa... GURU: (DRINKING) You blockhead! Aaa...ction. These are the steps you have to follow: attract him, (SIMULATING) show your silken breasts and rosy nipples. Then, to arouse his interest, lift your skirt and show him the paradise. Swiftly and subtly, as being chance. Make him want you: moisten your fingers till you have him on his knees (JOEL KNEELS DOWN) begging, completely aroused and turned on, and give it to him. JOEL: (OFF, AROUSED) Cool, think I’ll ejaculate... GURU: This is the hardest moment: don’t give in. Make him understand that his entire being shall be orgasmic if he surrenders. Open your legs slowly and at the same time stick the agreement under his nose; with his hand with desire he’ll sign automaticly. He’ll come without even touching you... JOEL: (OFF SATISFIED) Mee tooo... GURU: And then he’ll be yours: he’ll surely be a good payer if you “beep” him as I taught you. ANNOUNCER: Joel is changing his gloves with long lady ones. JOEL: (PUTS ON LONG LADY GLOVES) I cure him of prostate, too. GURU: He may be stupid, but he got from his father the company and all that money. He was quite thick-headed, but he had the hell of a luck... JOEL: My father died in Labour…

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

GURU: (OFF) He’s wracked, poor fellow. JOEL: …on Christmas day. GURU: Forget that. Not only he’ll not know what he paid for, but he’ll be sure to have bought nothing but sheer pleasure. And that because he liked how you relieved him from pressure and cured him of impotence. JOEL: Cool! GURU: And in his head confounded with satisfaction he will dream how he soaked you and splashed you right between your ears. And when he wakes up, he’ll tell everybody how he deflowered and polluted you, having no idea that he’s doing you a good: all the other impotents shall flock to seduce and have you. GONG! JOEL: (SPRINGING TO HIS FEET) The gong, boss! Have to go. GURU: (LOST) Go, but be aware: a smart is not a tart, even both rhyme with fart!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Round V NERO IS FAWNING, JOEL PLAYING THE TOUGH. JOEL: (PHONE RINGING) Hello? GURU: That’s it, be tough! ANNOUNCER: Joel has taken fresh heart. NERO: (CALLING SOMEBODY) Hello! John Muffet speaking. JOEL: One spare moment? GURU: Good job, lad. JOEL: (KICKING, NERO, ALLEGEDLY CATCHING IT) All right, but make it short. GURU: No mercy. ANNOUNCER: Joel is unleashed. NERO: About the two completed residential complexes. JOEL: Financial solutions with accumulation of capital? NERO: We are willing to let you have one for a twenty per cent commission. JOEL: Unit-linked? You mean insurance, right? ACTION - REACTION, CONVERSELY: EFFECT-CAUSE. NERO: (TAKING IT) That’s out of question, less than sixteen per cent won’t do. JOEL: (STRIKING THE AIR) Insure what? ANNOUNCER: Chaos reigns in the ring. NERO: (TAKING IT) That is totally untrue, nothing but quality materials have been used. Long durability. JOEL: (KICKING) Death or disability? GURU: What’s wrong with you, lad, are you sick? ANNOUNCER: The audience is annoyed. NERO: (TAKING IT) We undertake to remedy any and all faults within two months. JOEL: (KICKING) Yeah, right! If I die I get one hundred thousand pounds? GURU: Not bad. Finish him off! NERO: (TAKING IT) No way, Jose! Eight per cent would mean trading at a loss. JOEL: (KICKING) Come again? …and I’m supposed to pay for twenty years? NERO: All right, fifteen per cent, but we keep the car park.

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

JOEL: And if I sign today I get a bonus? GURU: That’s it, give him one free for me. In his guts! NERO: Okay, thirteen per cent. Without utilities though. ANNOUNCER: They shall be penalized for non-combat. GURU: Cure him of cirrhosis! JOEL: Enough with that. I’m not interested. NERO: (TAKING IT) It’s impossible, why don’t you believe me? JOEL: (KICKING) Just because! NERO: (TAKING IT) I swear on my honour. JOEL: (KICKING) Just drop it, will you! GURU: What are you doing, lad? ANNOUNCER: The audience wants to see blood. NERO: (TAKING IT) Fine, eleven per cent if we sign tomorrow. JOEL: (KICKING) Why don’t you call back in three years or so? (HANGS UP) GURU: Are you kidding me? NERO: All right, nine per cent, I’ll say goodbye. (HANGS UP) JOEL: Dev’lish insistent fellow. I might consider training him. GURU: He disgraced me. NERO: Poor fool! I would have let it go even for five per cent, only to get rid of it. AUDIENCE: BOOO, BOOO! GONG!

Break 5

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

GURU: That’s how you think things are done? JOEL: I wanted to give him time to consider the offer. GURU: Until his interest cools down. JOEL: I’m back in shape again... GURU: (OFF) By the look of things, it’s goodbye to luxury carriage… Maybe a jalopy Mercedes. JOEL: I was on the point of fainting a round earlier. GURU: (OFF) My wife’s gonna kill me. How am I going to tell her we have to give up the cruise in Hawaii and make it down to Tunis this year... JOEL: I’m at a loss as to what to do to him. GURU: Look here, lad, keep your ears open. I won’t show you again. JOEL: I’m all ears! GURU:(DIALLING) Hello, general! JOEL: Holy cow, the gen’ral! GURU: Yeah, it’s me. Heard you wanted to get rid of the extraction division. JOEL: Wow, a few good million. GURU: Be serious! Three per cent won’t do. JOEL: Whaaat? GURU: All rightie, that’s a deal. Five per cent and you are rid of it. (HANGS UP) JOEL: You’re in a fine form, boss. GURU: Wait, I’m not finished (OFF, RUBBING HIS HANDS WITH GLEE) Four per cent the committee fee and the rest quite enough for a Lexus. That’s more like it. JOEL: (SEEING HIM DIALLING ANOTHER NUMBER) One more, boss? GURU: Shut up and take notes. Hello, professor! JOEL: (SURPRISED) The professor? GURU: I found you a buyer for the airline. JOEL: At least ten million. GURU: My share? A trifle, just four per cent. JOEL: Piece of cake, I’m starting to get the taste of it. GURU: Deal. I’ll handle the deeds for an additional one per cent. (HANGS UP)

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

JOEL: I queue up, boss, if I have to. GURU: What queue, lad? This is about steaming ahead. We give half per cent to the right person and it’s done. JOEL: (SEEING HIM DIALING AGAIN) Another? GURU: (TO JOEL, SHUSHING HIM) Shut your mouth! (ON THE PHONE) Aaron, listen here. I have this scheme... a real early fruit. JOEL: (EMPTYING HIS POCKETS) I’m starving! GURU: I managed to wangle those pleasure planes for you. Kerosene and all. JOEL: Sheer art. GURU: Tomorrow we shake hands over the bargain! Okey-doke, at ten. (HANGS UP, THEN TO JOEL) Who’s playing? JOEL: (GIVES A SALUTE AND SINGS) The military band was playing... GURU: (OFF) I can see a yacht coming after all. Maisie will have her cruise. JOEL: I take my hat off to you! GURU: (TO JOEL) Well, is it clear now? JOEL: Crystal. GURU: Be on your toes, then! (OFF) Let’s see if you can bring in at least a convertible one. GONG!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Round VI JOEL: (KICKING) Hello, Mister Muffet. NERO: (RIPOSTING) What, you again? ANNOUNCER: Muffet puts him against the ropes. JOEL: (KEEPS KICKING) I am calling because I am most convinced that my offer meets-your-needs... GURU: Joel does not relent and kicks him a few times in a row... NERO: (DEFENDING) Who are you, the Good Samaritan? JOEL: (KICKING) And will help you tremendously in increasing the liquidity required for new acquisitions. ANNOUNCER: ...and gives him a good left, putting him again against the ropes, from where he rebounds directly into Joel ... NERO: I already have million-worth business. ANNOUNCER: I pity Joel. JOEL: (WITH A SERIES OF THREE KICKS) No offence: turnover is vanity, profit is sanity, but cash is reality. GURU: (YELLING) Good job, lad! ANNOUNCER: A series of kicks which confound the champion. NERO: (STUNNED) I see you haven’t wasted your time. JOEL: (KICKS) I haven’t indeed. Your competition likewise. ANNOUNCER: Amazing. Patrac is in the open. NERO: All right, what do you suggest? GURU: Don’t let him get at you. JOEL: Based on a SWOT analysis we may say... NERO: What are you doing! Threatening me with the special troops? JOEL: (A RIGHT AND A LEFT, DOUBLED) No, not SWAT, but SWOT: it’s a marketing trick. I was just suggesting we reduce your weaknesses and increase your strengths by means of a well planned and directed image campaign. NERO: (BEWITCHED) And how is that? ANNOUNCER: He is pretty well-oiled.

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

JOEL: (KICKING CHAOTICALLY) According with the feedback and feedback and with a continuous and prosperous development of your activity. GURU: Keep at it! NERO: Now you’re coming up with Japanese crap! Tamagochee and kaiser. JOEL: Kaizen. Market research indicates that there is only one way to achieve sound growth, namely customer’s satisfaction. GURU: Be careful, take cover! Don’t stay out in the open. NERO: (SARCASTICALLY, KICKING) Everybody needs envelopes. JOEL: (RETORTS) Of course they do, but now reusable envelopes are in demand... ANNOUNCER: A well-placed reply. GURU: Don’t stop. This is your chance. JOEL: (KICKS) ...and odourless envelopes. GURU: Attack him till he stops breathing. ANNOUNCER: He is incredible. Where does he get those lines from? NERO: (DROPPING HIS GUARD) Not a bad idea. ANNOUNCER: Muffet is bewitched. Joel goes up to him. JOEL: (KICKS) We move into the days of discrete envelopes. The times of smash hits are bygone. ANNOUNCER: Another hook in the jaw. NERO: (LEANING ON JOEL) Indeed! What a pity! ANNOUNCER: He is twisting him around his little finger. JOEL: And the market of electronic envelopes is virgin. And it doesn’t leave traces for that, does it? GURU: That’s it, a fine blow. ANNOUNCER: Right in the stomach. NERO: You’re good, man! I kind of like you. GURU: Deal him the death blow. JOEL: Am I to understand we can meet to provide you with further detail? ANNOUNCER: Muffet was knocked senseless. NERO: Very well then. We should talk. GONG!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Break 6 ANNOUNCER: For the first time, the champ has been kneeled. GURU: Well done, Your Excellency! You deserve a prize. Have a Tic Tac! JOEL: Why, does my mouth stink? GURU: Nay, lad, but you cannot stick it up your ass. ANNOUNCER: Joel has a swollen face and a broken arch. JOEL: (LAUGHING) I’m happy, boss! We’ll finally meet. GURU: Congratulations! I knew you wouldn’t let me down. JOEL: (EXCITEDLY) Let you down, boss? He’ll be down, I promise you! GURU: Not bad, really. JOEL: He was whining like a baby. He very nearly begged for mercy. GURU: Take it easy, boy. This was just the second stage out of five. JOEL: What do you mean? GURU: Well, the first achievement was having him answer the phone, the second making him agree to meet… JOEL: That was a hard job. GURU: … the third satisfaction is having him sign the agreement… JOEL: (IMPATIENTLY) Will this break go on for long? GURU: … than having him pay. JOEL: Within seven days. GURU: IF he pays at all! JOEL: What? An agreement is an agreement. GURU: Wrong! It’s nothing but a piece of paper just good for origami until the money is paid into the account. JOEL: (SPRINGING TO HIS FEET) I’ll smash his face… GURU: Chill down! There’ll be time enough for that. JOEL: What about the fifth? If he paid, it’s GOODBYE. Finish, the end. Full stop. GURU: The last one is the most enjoyable: sheer delight, joy, pleasure… JOEL: Oh yes? GURU: Think about it. What’s missing?

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

JOEL: Don’t know. GURU: When you get your commission, laddie! JOEL: (DISAPPOINTED) And what am I supposed to do in the meantime? GURU: Wait. JOEL: (SPRAWLING) Doesn’t sound bad. GURU: And keep fighting. JOEL: What? GURU: You thought that was all? There are a lot of clients dying for you to contact them. JOEL: On an empty stomach, boss? GURU: You earn your basic salary, you have to handle with it. JOEL: One hundred pounds, boss? GURU: As the American saying goes: “Live for nothing, die for something”. You have to say thank you! JOEL: (DISAPPOINTED) Thunk you. GURU: For nothing. JOEL: Really, boss. I don’t see why our company still needs salesmen… since it is the best-known on the market. GURU: To be sure. It’s the brand that counts, laddie. JOEL: But we sell, boss. The brand isn’t selling itself. GURU: Indeed, but it gives you something to sell! Remember our slogan? JOEL: Yes, we are the only ones to offer cheap, quick and good services. GURU: That's right, but only in twos. What’s cheap and quick? Chinese tennis shoes, right? What’s quick and good? The Swiss chronometer made of Belgian chocolate. Did you get my point ? Do you get it ? And cheap and good... JOEL: I’m confused. GURU: (GIVING HIM SMELLING SALTS TO SNIFF) For too much idling. Lack of action is not good to you. JOEL THROWS UP IN THE BUCKET. JOEL: (OFF) Cheap and good. And hot. GONG!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

GURU: Come on, get moving and you’ll be back in shape. Be on your toes!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Round VII JOEL CIRCLES THE RING. ANNOUNCER: We are at the height of the bout. JOEL: He’s finished. I’ll wipe him out. ANNOUNCER: Will Joel manage the impossible? GURU: Come on, you can do it. JOEL: Hello, I’m George… ANNOUNCER: This is the moment of truth. NERO: (WHISPERING) I’m not here. JOEL: Hasn’t he arrived yet? GURU: Keep at it! JOEL: Very well then, I will call back in one hour. GURU: Insist! ANNOUNCER: Joel corners him. JOEL: Is he out for lunch? GURU: Don’t give up… you’re on the right track! JOEL: Could you please tell him that I have called? GURU: You cannot fail as long as you don’t give up. JOEL: Shall I leave you my phone number? ANNOUNCER: Joel is confused. JOEL: No need, I see. THERE IS A DOOR SLAM. GURU: Now you get in through the window. JOEL: He is back? Perfect. NERO: (WHISPERING) I’m busy. ANNOUNCER: We are witnessing an absurd show. JOEL: Speaking on the other phone? GURU: Do whatever you have to... JOEL: No problem, I’ll wait. GURU: ...secure victory.

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

JOEL: He will be long? He will call me back. Very well then! ANNOUNCER: I do not understand what is going on. GURU: Keep pressing! JOEL: It’s me again. GURU: You’ve got him. ANNOUNCER: Nerves are on the edge. NERO: (WHISPERING) Get rid of him! ANNOUNCER: Muffet is shying away. JOEL: He is in a meeting? GURU: Remember: success means striking for the hundredth time... JOEL: Very well, I will call back at three o’clock. GURU: ...after ninety-nine setbacks. ANNOUNCER: Joel can barely keep his guard up. JOEL: Hello, I am calling back... ANNOUNCER: ... moving his legs with difficulty. JOEL: What? ANNOUNCER: Tension can be felt among the audience. GURU: Now what? JOEL: He has left? GONG!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Break 7 GURU: Never mind, we’ll keep trying. JOEL: What’s the point? GURU: Be smart, lad. JOEL: Wait, I got it! Can’t catch me with this one! SMART: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely. GURU: No, you goof, those are for parrots: little s - stupid, little m- mediocre, little a – amateur, little r - rag and little t - tenderfoot. JOEL: ... GURU: SMART, lad! I mean be clever: big S - Soulless, big M - Mean, big A Aggressive, big R - Rascal and big T - Tricky. JOEL: Do you think that’ll do the trick? What if he kicks me out? GURU: Well, he may be a bastard, but he ain’t no fool. He’s a man of action. JOEL: I’ve had a taste of that… GURU: Which means that in everything he does, he is being equally led by the desire to win and the fear to lose. JOEL: I chop him, I make mincemeat of him! GURU: Are you a butcher, or what? At this level, only a surgeon can make it. JOEL: Well, ain’t it the same shit? GURU: It all depends on what you’re after: a chunk of meat or a successful surgery? JOEL: I feel so ravenous... GURU: A novice hacks, while an expert segments. Now, put on your medical gloves on. JOEL: That’s easy, boss. We took an exam on that. GURU: Really? Let’s see then how good you are! You’re working towards your master, aren’t you? Take for example your group. JOEL: Well, firstly, let’s say male and female students. GURU: Right, then what? JOEL: Umm..., we count ‘em up and calculate the percentage. GURU: Forget that. Let’s focus on female students. Segment them.

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

JOEL: Umm, blondes and brunettes. GURU: Who cares about that, lad? They’re just as bright. JOEL: Err..., tall and short. GURU: (IRONICALLY) Fat and skinny. Give me a break, will you? Concentrate, man! JOEL: Beautiful and ugly? GURU: You’re getting close. JOEL: Smart and stupid? GURU: Warm. Let me help you: married or single. JOEL: Oh, right. GURU: Let’s dwell on the married ones. JOEL: (CONFIDENTLY) With and without children. GURU: Nay! I’d go for housewives and careerists. JOEL: OK, I see your point now! Let’s take careerists. GURU: You take them, they’ll get you nowhere… unless you are their boss. And unless you have a boss, in which case you will most certainly switch places soon and the careerist is sure to ‘beep” you no matter how well you’ve been treating her. JOEL: Why is that? GURU: Simply because a careerist has no mercy or scruples. JOEL: Let’s take housewives, then. GURU: Well done, lad. Smart guess! Let’s move on... JOEL: Umm..., housewives... GURU: Come on, it’s easy: family lovers or loose women. JOEL: Loose? GURU: Aye, lad. Follow my meaning, the break will soon end. Loose: they hook or get hooked. JOEL: Ah, well! GURU: Those who get hooked: in the street or in shops. JOEL: Cool, boss! GURU: In shops: specialized or supermarket. JOEL: Awesome!

PIECE OF CAKE â&#x20AC;&#x201C; by Doru Marculescu

GURU: Got the idea? JOEL: Got it, boss! Supermarket: food or non-food. GURU: Not bad! JOEL: Food: fresh or frozen. GURU: I see you grasped the idea. GONG!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Round VIII JOEL IS MOVING FORWARD IN THE RING, HEAD BOWED, LOOKING THOUGHTFUL. JOEL: Fresh: indigenous or imported. NERO: (SPEAKING ON THE PHONE) Imported, indigenous ones are more expensive. What if they are poor? We’re rid of them before twits cotton on. JOEL: (CATCHING SIGHT OF NERO) My respects! NERO: Oh, it was you? You’re pretty late, aren’t you? JOEL: I have been waiting for you all day. ANNOUNCER: An amicable exchange of slaps. NERO: (KICKS) Oh, I've been so busy. JOEL: (DEFENDS) That’s all right. ANNOUNCER: Joel changes tactics. NERO: (KICKS: LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT) I’m up to my neck in work. Imports, exports, taxes, commissions... JOEL: I see. ANNOUNCER: I think he wants to wear him out. NERO: I do hope you are not annoyed. ANNOUNCER: A fine uppercut. JOEL: Not at all. Why should I be? GURU: You’ve clapped him on the back enough. Counter-attack! NERO: Very well then, because I would like to invest about two ministers in my image. JOEL: I beg your pardon, did you say ministers? NERO: To be sure, that’s about it. JOEL: I don't get your point. NERO: I forgot you’re fresh in the field. A parliamentarian is worth ten thousands, while a minister one hundred... GURU: Put your whole body into it! JOEL: (KICKS) What about prime-mi...

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

NERO: Whoa, you’ll ruin me! ANNOUNCER: They are both tired. JOEL: Okay. NERO: Let’s talk about the image campaign then. JOEL: (DECIDED) Let’s talk. NERO: (KICKING UNMERCIFULLY) I shall expect you by the end of the month. JOEL: When? NERO: (ANOTHER HEAVY BLOW) Tomorrow I’ll go skiing for a week... ANNOUNCER: That was an ugly blow. JOEL: (RESPONDS WEAKLY) Then in the afternoon... NERO: (LANDING A POWERFUL BLOW) Then ten days' surfing to be back in shape. ANNOUNCER: What a shovel. GURU: Hang on! NERO: So, see you on the thirtieth? JOEL: (OVERWHELMED) You will not be sorry, I guarantee you. NERO: (MOCKINGLY) With what, your pay? JOEL: On my honour... NERO: (IRONICAL) Well, that’s more like it. Now I may rest assured. JOEL: I will come at eight. NERO: Very well, better later in the day so that nobody bothers us. JOEL: (DISAPPOINTED) As you wish, eight in the evening. NERO: Don’t forget to call me half an hour earlier, though. JOEL: I’ll do that. NERO: Good day! GONG!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Break 8 JOEL: Boss, what’s the commission for a two hundred thousand pounds agreement? GURU: What’s the hurry? JOEL: I need money like the air I breathe. GURU FANS HIS FACE. GURU: Breathe in! JOEL: A rough estimate... GURU: Breathe out! JOEL BREATHES OUT UNTIL HE FLUSHES AND STARTS COUGHING. GURU: See? It’s the same with money: when you don’t have it you need it, when you have it you spend it until you feel sick. JOEL: Just to have an idea. GURU: All right, all right! Listen. First we deduct VAT, say twenty per cent, to make it round, which is about forty thousand… we’ve got one hundred and sixty left. JOEL: But boss, isn’t VAT calculated inversely: against the base, not at the end? GURU: That’s inessential. We then deduct company profit, about tweny thousand... JOEL: That much? GURU: ...and the corporate tax, another tweny thousand. JOEL: (STUNNED) Are you sure? GURU: Certo! Another twenty thousand for dividends... JOEL: Whaaat? GURU: We've got one hundred thousand left, minus the tax on dividends and income tax... Are you with me? JOEL: Yea... GURU: These two amount to more or less thirty thousand. Seventy left, right? JOEL: One hundred minus thirty... Slow down a bit, boss! GURU: Hey, now listen carefully. You are entitled to a ten per cent commission... JOEL: I’m all confused... GURU: ...after the first six months, five per cent until then. JOEL: Five per cent of what?

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

GURU: Sixty, have you forgotten? And that is… JOEL: Three thousand. GURU: Corrrrect! Now deduct contributions: social insurance, pension, health, unemployment, about sixty per cent... JOEL: BEEEP... GURU: Bear with me! So, sixty per cent of three thousand... JOEL: One thousand and eight hundred. GURU: Say two thousand, it’s easier to calculate. Write this down: three thousand minus two thousand is... JOEL: (DESPERATELY) One thousand. GURU: Very well, let’s say one thousand. Without phone, internet, petrol, about two hundred pounds... JOEL: Eight hundred. Not bad, after all. GURU: Then there is water, gas, light, garbage, rent, say about three hundred in all. We are left with... JOEL: Five hundred. GURU: Exactly. JOEL: Anything else, ‘cause I have to take money out of my pocket!? GURU: No, half a thousand cash in hand. What do you say? JOEL: Not bad, but... GURU: Spare me your comments and think this way: if you secure ten such agreements per month, you’ll be pretty well-off. JOEL: Now you’re talking! GURU: Piece of cake. Finish him off! GONG!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Round IX ANNOUNCER: The decisive round is about to begin. JOEL: Here I am! NERO: (TO JOEL) One moment. (ON THE PHONE) What do you mean it expires tomorrow, on the first? JOEL: Am I bothering? NERO: Come on in! ANNOUNCER: Joel charges at high speed. GURU: This lad’s killing me. NERO: You put a two in front of one and they are good for consumption for another three weeks. Simple, isn’t it? And if in the meantime you cannot get rid of it all, you have them relabelled, what the hell. JOEL: Brilliant. NERO: Imbeciles. What do you say, kiddo, don’t you wanna work for me? JOEL: I cannot do such a thing to Uncle Kerim. NERO: Pay peanuts and you get monkeys. GURU: (OFF) He either closes the deal and I pack him off... JOEL: I beg your pardon? NERO: Forget it, I’ll deal with him. JOEL: I don’t quite know what to say...? GURU: (OFF) ...or he doesn’t and he leaves by himself. NERO: Ok, take your time. Now tell me to what do I owe the honour of your visit? JOEL: Well, we’ve talked about, you know..., two ministers... NERO: The Finance minister is solved. JOEL: No. The campaign..., image campaign... ANNOUNCER: Joel does not relent. A frontal and lateral attack. GURU: (OFF) In the first case I am left with the commission... NERO (SLAPPIN HIM ON THE FOREHEAD) Oh, yes! JOEL: Ouch! NERO: I had forgotten. You were talking about those important persons...

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

GURU: (OFF) ...and in the second I’ll withhold his guarantee. JOEL: I was thinking about us making it straight for Top 500. ANNOUNCER: A well-aimed right. NERO: Pretty crowded in there. GURU: (OFF) There are plenty of fools standing in a queue to get a job. JOEL: (SLAPPING HIM ON HIS EARS) Combined with Top 50 on the radio. ANNOUNCER: Two rights aimed right between the ears. NERO: And where’s the image? JOEL: (STICKING HIS FINGERS IN HIS EYES) Plus Top 5 on TV. ANNOUNCER: Joel lands him a colossal blow. Nero is blinded. GURU: (OFF) He should thank me I taught him how to take it and get over setbacks. NERO: (GROPING) Now you’re talking! Make me an offer and come by to talk it over. JOEL: Here it is. Just as you said: two hundred thousand pounds. GURU: (OFF) It takes years for others to understand and dozens of years to get used to it. NERO: (EXAMINING THE PAPERS) All right. Formats and airtime are fine. Just divide the amount in two and we strike the deal. GURU: (OFF) Life ain’t easy. JOEL: You mean payment in two instalments, right? NERO: Not bad. You’re quick to catch on. JOEL: Yeah, like curd. NERO: I like you. Let’s see if we understand each other: I get to all three tops in exchange for one hundred thousand... JOEL: (OFF) It's a good thing he didn’t say fifty. NERO: ...to be paid in two instalments: half after and half later. JOEL: It’s impossible. GURU: (OFF) If he resists, he’ll take my place one day. NERO: Think about it. When you are ready, we strike the deal. GURU: (OFF) If he doesn’t, at least he’ll be happy. GONG!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Break 9 GURU: If you don’t move better this will be your last bout. This job isn’t for bit players. You either win the Oscar, or leave us. JOEL: It sounded better at first… GURU: It’s the same everywhere. JOEL: You said the market was on the uptrend, that I'd make money and be quickly promoted. GURU: How was I supposed to tell you that the market is overflowed, the stress is higher than the twenty-seventh floor from the building of our company, the commissions are going to be paid after three months... JOEL: Whaaat? GURU: ...and promotion chances are almost nil considering that the average age of the staff is thirty and nobody is likely to kick the bucket too soon… to say nothing about their brothers, cousins, uncles, aunts, godchildren, godparents, in-laws or friends ... JOEL: It’s clear, I’m an orphan. GURU: ...towards which they have a moral and social obligation as soon as they get their Master’s degree after having completed some intensive fiftin-minute courses on the Internet. JOEL: Is this possible? GURU: To be sure, lad! Haven’t you heard of Peter’s principle? In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his maximum level of incompetence. JOEL: Sounds like one of Murphy’s laws. GURU: No, my dear fellow, this is a scientifically and statistically proven fact. The higher one gets and the longer he stays there, the more idiot he becomes. JOEL: You’ve lied to me! GURU: You’re wrong, lad, I haven’t lied to you! I've only sold you what you wanted to buy. I've given you a chance. To change things. To belie reality. Isn’t that what you, young people, are after? Revolutionize the world! Prove your strength. Be my guest! JOEL: The world is a filthy place. Power is nothing but an illusion.

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

GURU: You’ve already made good progress. Congratulations! You've started to find answers at the early age of tweny-five. JOEL: I already feel fifty. GURU: Others retire and still don’t get it. And on Judgment Day they still have the illusion of a new opportunity. You’re truly blessed! You’ve jumped a few steps up the evolution ladder. JOEL: Yes, now I am at the third level of the trophic chain. GURU: Maslow, my boy. You’re climbing the needs pyramid. And, you know, the tendency is to flatten the hierarchy. Globalization, my boy. JOEL: And where’s the joy? GURU: Don’t see? The ultimate innovation is to overturn the pyramid, the bottom up and the peak down. You’re on top now, don’t you? What is more vital than breathe, eat, sleep, sex…? JOEL: To be accomplished! GURU: Shit! Do your needs, lad. The rest is vanity. JOEL: This is no life. There’s nothing in it for me. GURU: Come on, don’t be costive. Take a glass of milk and you’ll be okay. JOEL: (DRINKING THE MILK) I only wanted a piece of happiness. I didn’t want to change the world, but only to know it, enjoy it and give it my strength. GURU: And you thought you could do that without paying. You thought it was free of charge, didn’t you? JOEL: No, but I didn’t think my life would be second-hand either. GURU: When your mum was breast-feeding you did she expect you not to wet your nappy or not to snivel... JOEL: Yet she used to cuddle me... GURU: When your father bought you your first wristwatch, he did it just to make you waste no more your time with street urchins... JOEL: Yet I had friends... GURU: When the first girl let you kiss her it was because she didn’t want to share you with somebody else... JOEL: But we loved each other...

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

GURU: You’ve got a High School Diploma because the state was tired to pay for your education... JOEL: Yet I had everything I wanted... GURU: They were all manipulating you, can’t you see? JOEL: Yet I was happy... GURU: Once you were hired, they did the calculations regarding the profit you can make. Additional and much more that you are going to be paid. Do you understand? JOEL: I don’t think I can go on with this fight. I can see no point. GURU: Nay, lad! You'll go there and finish him off. And you’ll do it because if you don’t, I guarantee you it will be worse and you may lose everything you managed to obtain so far. JOEL: There’s nothing, anyway... GURU: They might all turn away from you. JOEL: They avoid me anyway just because I am a salesman and I might try to sell them something. GURU: You might sink into despair. JOEL: What can that be worse than being loath of doing a job that doesn’t fit you? GURU: Look here laddie, it’s a pretty tough job becoming a champion, whereas becoming a loser is piece of cake. JOEL: Life is an ad break! GONG! GURU: Be awake! (HUSTLING HIM INTO THE RING) Now beat it!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Round X JOEL: (CRESTFALLEN, HOLDS THE AGREEMENT OUT TO NERO) I brought the agreement. NERO: (SARCASTICALLY) Oh, what an honour, Your Excellency! NERO EXAMINES THE AGREEMENT. GURU: Give him a kiss! JOEL: (WHISPERING) Kiss him? GURU: Cabbage head... KISS: Keep It Short and Simple. Short and well-aimed blows. JOEL: Ah…, the long kiss goodnight. NERO: (ASIDE, LEAFING THROUGH THE AGREEMENT) Oh yeah, there’s a long night ahead of you. GURU: Like a laser, Laser boy! Livelier. JOEL: (KICKS) As we have discussed: value, payment due date... ANNOUNCER: Risen from his ashes. GURU: That’s it, cremate him! NERO: (RETORTS) What’s your hurry? JOEL: (KICKS) Deadline’s drawing near. ANNOUNCER: He is unrecognizable. GURU: Light him a candle! NERO: (KICKS) Know what, I think it wasn’t such a good idea after all. JOEL: Come again? NERO: (KICKS) This seems like an unnecessary expense. ANNOUNCER: The champion has not spoken his final word. JOEL: (KICKS) We might consider it to be an investment, not expenses. GURU: Make his will. NERO: And who is going to pay? JOEL: (KICKS) Business will keep growing. ANNOUNCER: The audience is standing. NERO: You miss my point. JOEL: (KICKS) Not really. I mean yes. But benefits will be higher.

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

GURU: Burry him. ANNOUNCER: The audience is delighted. NERO: I must cut expenses. JOEL: (KICKS) This is a dangerous way of doing it. NERO: Oh, ya?! ANNOUNCER: A first-class bout. JOEL: (KICKS) I, for one, always think about increasing my income, not cutting my consumption. NERO: (RETORTS SARCASTICALLY) Then how come you don’t manage to? ANNOUNCER: He has shattered his brains. JOEL: I think first, then act. NERO: I leave you if you’re busy. GURU: Wanna see more enthusiasm! You’re not giving alms, are you? ANNOUNCER: A true waste of effort. JOEL: When one is utterly convinced of his success, it won't be long before luck smiles at him. NERO: (LANDING A PUNCH ON HIS HEAD) That’s all you’re left with when there's nothing to flush away: positive thinking. ANNOUNCER: Amazingly, he is still standing. JOEL: (KICKS) I’d rather be optimistic than thrifty. ANNOUNCER: That was a good one. GURU: That’s it, give him anal sex. NERO: (STAGGERING) Come again? GURU: And a quick oral. ANNOUNCER: The audience is repelled. The champion is losing ground. JOEL: (CARESSING) I was saying that acting while still on the top is preferable rather than waiting and facing unpredictable market reactions. ANNOUNCER: Muffet is reeling. GURU: Stop rubbing it, it’s not Aladdin’s lamp, for God’s sake. NERO: (KICKS) Ah, well! Leave the agreement, I want to go over it quietly. See you after Easter.

PIECE OF CAKE â&#x20AC;&#x201C; by Doru Marculescu

ANNOUNCER: Muffet parries wildly with one last effort. GONG! JOEL: (COLLAPSES ONTO THE FLOOR) Wheeen?

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Break 10 GURU: I’m sick of it! I’ m working like a porter and you are resting … JOEL: (OFF) In piece, indeed. GURU: Can you do anything right? JOEL: What did I do wrong, boss? GURU: ABC, lad! Ever heard of it? JOEL: Something like “Ana Banana Cabana”? GURU: Well done, whippersnapper! Aren’t you clever? Nay, laddie, that comes later, in the first form! The ABC I’m talking about is taught in the crèche! Well? JOEL: I've no idea, uncle Kerim! GURU: How the hell have you managed to graduate from faculty without having graduated from kindergarten? Everything’s fallin’ apart! They make you graduates by the batch! But why the hell am I surprised when I see pimply-faced MBA graduates! JOEL: I got rid of them. He squeezed them all. GURU: …or PhD holder before having the first period! JOEL: But, uncle Kerim... GURU: What, aren’t you of the same opinion? Don’t you see, lad, that they’re teaching you nothing but aberrations. They feed you up with analytical thinking and strategic decision-making! BULLSHIT! Sorry, that's too much! DIARRHOEA, lad! That’s what they’re stuffing your head with! And who, may I ask? Who’s making you so illiterate? Some uptight guys who in their entire life have signed no other check than their payslip! JOEL: But, university professor doctor Photler or Mrs. Pinkspan... GURU: Spare me your scientific capitalism and multilateral management! Crap like that makes me sick! Can a monkey teach you the theory of evolution? Or the Pope of Rome! Let’s be serious! JOEL: But we have learned how to find inferences in a holistic environment... GURU: Are you swearing me, lad? Watch your mouth or else I get assertive and tell you to go on your mother’s oyster! Pay attention, before the gong strikes! ABC: Always Be Closing! In other words, always close the sale! Got it?

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

JOEL: Yeah, boss! GURU: Then stop rubbing it or I’ll catch fire. JOEL: But didn’t you see, boss, what he did to me? GURU: You became tempered! JOEL: I’ll lynch him. GURU: Lynching is a team job, lad. But, if you want, I’ll lend you a hand... JOEL: I’ll make him hara-kiri. GURU: Why don’t you suicide him? JOEL: Genocide is written on my fist. GURU: Whatever! First the agreement. JOEL’S PHONE IS RINGING. GURU: See, clients have already started to look for you. JOEL: Hello! Yes, speaking. GURU: Told you! Be slippy about it! JOEL: (EMBARRASSED) Yes, I have been looking for you. One moment, please! JOEL WITHDRAWS TO A CORNER AND SPEAKS IN A WHISPER, STRESSING SOME WORDS. JOEL: Yes, I have applied for the position of sales director. GURU: (PRETENDING TO BE PREOCCUPIED, BUT PAYING ATTENTION TO JOEL) Well done, sell! JOEL: Of course I can come for an interview. Where and when? GURU: He looks pretty resolute. JOEL: Better after five o’clock. GURU: And willing to put in overtime. That’s the sort of people we need. JOEL: I will bring all my papers. GURU: The agreement and invoice too. Way to go, lad! JOEL: You have made the best choice, I guarantee you. Good day. GURU: Well? JOEL: Consider it done, boss. I’ve listened to you and applied Pareto’s principle. GURU: (CONFOUNDED) I beg your pardon?

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

JOEL: Yes, the eighty-twenty rule. Eighty percent of the effects come from twenty percent of the causes. You’ve taught me that. GURU: (DUMBFOUNDED) When the hell…?? What are you saying there? GONG!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Round XI JOEL: I’m back! ANNOUNCER: His last hour has come. NERO: Back from the dead? JOEL: Indeed! I hope this time everything is all right. ANNOUNCER: We are witnessing a miracle. GURU: Do you want the title? Trample him underfoot! NERO: (SLAPS HIM) Depends on who needs this agreement more. JOEL: (DODGING) I think that is beside the point considering that we’re talking about a win-win agreement. GURU: Use your left and when you hit lean on your right foot to be more convincing. NERO: (SLAPS HIM AGAIN) So you’re after profit on my account. JOEL: Considering your terms I don’t think we can be talking about profit. GURU: The right, lad! That you’re eating with, you fool! ANNOUNCER: Guru is encouraging his man. NERO: You're not upset, arent’y you? ANNOUNCER: A fine blow. JOEL: Not at all. In my job there is no such thing as annoyance. NERO: (KICKS) I’m relieved to hear that. Let’s get back to the point. I found no mention of the discount I get for such a big amount. JOEL: (DEFENDS) “Big” it is a relative word. To you it’s minor. NERO: (KICKS) Listen matey, minor is only under eighteen. Never mind. Forty per cent would do. ANNOUNCER: A right hook which knocked him senseless. GURU: You’re fine. Stay on the floor until you come to your senses. ANNOUNCER: One, two... JOEL: I cannot allow you more than twenty, believe me. NERO: (SPITTING) You’re offending me. JOEL: You’re humiliating me. GURU: Stay down.

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

ANNOUNCER: (SLOWLY) Three, four... NERO (KICKS) Very well then, thirty per cent just to please you. GURU: Stay there. JOEL: I have to ask for approval. NERO: (KICKS) Hurry up then. I might want fifty per cent tomorrow. ANNOUNCER: Fiiive… JOEL: I’ll see what I can do. NERO: (KICKS) Okey-doke, seventy thousand it is. GURU: Rest. ANNOUNCER: Siiix... JOEL: I told you... NERO: (KICKS) And I wouldn’t mind making the cover, just for the sake of our friendship. ANNOUNCER: Foul, kick below the belt. JOEL: (WHINING) Covers are already taken. All of them. GURU: Take a deep breath. ANNOUNCER: Seeeveeen... NERO: You’ll think of something. You wanna be a champion, don’t you? JOEL: Hope I live to see it. ANNOUNCER: Eeeeight... GURU: Okay, up-a-daisy, on your feet at nine. NERO: (LANDING A HARD BLOW) Come on, it’s a piece of cake. ANNOUNCER: Eight and a haaalf... GURU: On your feet, lad, or else I’ll kill you! JOEL: (OFF) Beeep you all! ANNOUNCER: Niiiine... JOEL: (STANDING UP NIMBLE) It’s my last life. GURU: Bravo, you got away. ANNOUNCER: That was so close. GONG!

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Break 11 JOEL: Boss, give me a cigarette. GURU: Smoking is not good for you, lad. Especially now. JOEL: Boss, do you think smoking is more harmful to my health than what he’s doing to me? GURU: You’re right. (LIGHTING A CIGARETTE) It’s less bad than the daily meetings and idiotic reports. JOEL: He’s kicking as if he doesn’t want to finish me off. GURU: Be serious, you’re exaggerating. JOEL: He clearly wants to “beep” me, but he could at least use a little lubricant. GURU: Eh, he’s just playing around. JOEL: Not around, but deep inside. I don’t understand him, boss! GURU: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. JOEL: Or makes you wanna end with it all. GURU: Don’t lose heart, it won’t take longer. Anyway, you put up a good resistance. I don’t know how you haven’t given up so far. JOEL: Need helped, boss. Do you realize what would happen if I didn’t pay the instalment for my automatic? GURU: (OFF) You sneaking devil! You have an automatic? JOEL: Yes, boss, I do. GURU: You’re fortunate. Good for you, lad. Does it have ABS? JOEL: I don't know. But it has electronic display... GURU: Oho, even better. JOEL: One thousand and five hundred rotations... GURU: Revolutions? JOEL: Same thing. And it's the new model... GURU: You amaze me! JOEL: Seven programmes... GURU: Seven? City, medium, long stretch and what else? JOEL: ... maximum load, low energy, delay, minimum consumption...

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

GURU: (OUT OF PATIENCE) Petrol or diesel? JOEL: Water, boss. GURU: An ecological one, very cool… (OFF) “Beep” me! Is it a Japanese one? JOEL: Nay, European. Made in Bulgaria. GURU: Seems to be very solid than. JOEL: Yes, and clothes are almost dried. GURU: (RELIEF BREATHING) Ooh, I see. You put my mind at ease. Well, hope you have fun with it and do better! JOEL: Thanks. Is it very hard to pay it. GURU: Don’t you worry, lad, I’m sure you’ll get by as long as you are alive and well. JOEL: Eh, I’ve had some headaches lately. GURU: A trifle... JOEL: But I am happy, now. GURU: ... you’ll get over it! JOEL IS HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN: LAUGHING AND CRYING AT THE SAME TIME. GURU: Calm down! (SHAKING HIM) ENOUGH! Finish him off and be done with it! After the bout, you go to see a film, dine out (TAKING SOME MONEY OUT OF HIS POCKET), here, take five pounds. JOEL: Thanks. GURU: Or you better rest - give it back (STICKING IT IN THE OTHER POCKET) – okay ... and you’ll be as good as new. JOEL: Yeah, good to be stuffed considering I’m totally whacked out. GURU: Keep your head up! I have a new challenge for you… tomorrow we attack Parsimovich. And you’ll have a chance to show who you really are. Come on, make him KO! GONG! JOEL: OK.

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Round XII ANNOUNCER : Twelfth round. The final one. Who is going to be the champion? GURU: You can do it. This is your night. ANNOUNCER: We shall see. The moment of truth has come. NERO: To be honest, I thought you wouldn’t come back. JOEL: How could I? Client’s satisfaction…, no, his pleasure and delight is more important than anything. NERO: Have you sorted out the cover issue? JOEL: Even better: the catalogue shall be dispatched in Muffet luxury envelopes. NERO: You sneaky bastard! I take my hat off to you. ANNOUNCER: He has really given it to him. JOEL: Thanks. Here’s the agreement with the last amendments. GURU: Butcher him! NERO: Let’s see: object, duration, price, payment... Seems all right. JOEL: As agreed. NERO: Congratulations, I didn’t think you were up to it. JOEL: I did my best. NERO: Wait a second! What's this, seventy thousand VAT EXCLUDED? It should read VAT included, matey boy... JOEL: But you will recover VAT... NERO: Indeed, but I have to pay it. GURU: Keep moving. JOEL: Just for one month. NERO: No, that cannot be. I'm sorry... GURU: (YELLING) You’re the hoooope of us aaaall. JOEL: Very well, VAT included. Amended. Sounds better? ANNOUNCER: A kick in the stomach. NERO: (GROANING) Hmm, quite. JOEL: Here’s the pen. ANNOUNCER: A healthy uppercut.

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

NERO: (STAGGERS, BUT MANAGES TO KICK HIM IN THE RIBS) It doesn’t write. ANNOUNCER: NERO parries the hiding. JOEL: (STIFLED) Take the cap off. NERO: (TAKING THE CAP OFF) It’s stuck. JOEL: Hold it by the other end. ANNOUNCER: Two atomic rights. GURU: Bingo. NERO: (POINTING TO THE PEN, AFTER SIGNING) May I keep it? JOEL: Of course. NERO: (MURMURING) Farewell then. GURU: DON'T FORGEEET... JOEL: Don’t you worry. And now the stamp. ANNOUNCER: And a nuclear left. GURU: Checkmate. NERO: (WHINING) It’s dried out. JOEL: (SOAKING IT IN HIS OWN BLOOD) No problem. ANNOUNCER: Although he is covered in blood he does not relent. GURU: Bull’s-eye. ANNOUNCER: A kick right in the face. NERO: (COLLAPSING) I’m an impoooortant person... ANNOUNCER: Ten, nine... GURU: Take the agreement out of his hand. JOEL: Ok, I got it. ANNOUNCER: Six, five... GURU: My champ. JOEL: You stay down there... GURU: Final destination. ANNOUNCER: (COUNTING QUICKLY) Three, two, one, KNOCK-OUUUT! GURU: Goaaaaal...

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

ANNOUNCER: LAAADIEEES AND GEEENTS, the new champion of professional kick-selling: GEOOORGE LASEEER. GURU: HURRRAH! He has slain the dragon. ANNOUNCER: The bout is over. Joel has won. Nobody believed in his comeback, especially after the setbacks from the middle of the bout. What a surprise! The audience is ecstatic. GURU: You are the champion of sales agencies, the champion of their ideals. ANNOUNCER: To put up a fight until the last second of the final round! Fascinating! A great champion. JOEL: I won. GURU: The pride of the corporation. ANNOUNCER: Well done, Joel! You have brightened our evening. The audience has in this hero an example to follow. GURU: (HUGGING HIM) Touch him to be lucky! JOEL: (CRYING WITH JOY) Boss, I did it! GURU: You crazy bastard! You said you couldn’t. JOEL: I feel sick. ANNOUNCER: Wait a second! Joel collapses to the ground. GURU: Hey, up-a-daisy! ANNOUNCER: I cannot see what is going on, but the audience is panicked. Joel does not move. GURU: Keep away, let him breathe. ANNOUNCER: The paramedic comes running. The champion is not breathing. GURU: (CRYING) My boy, can you see me? ANNOUNCER: The paramedic feels his pulse. Everybody watching is shocked. GURU: Answer! ANNOUNCER: They attempt resuscitation… nothing…. Once again. GURU: Come on, child, come to your senses! ANNOUNCER: Guru is in the depths of despair. He punches him in the chest. GURU: Joel, stay with me!

PIECE OF CAKE â&#x20AC;&#x201C; by Doru Marculescu

ANNOUNCER: In vain. I think he suffered a cerebral heart stroke. Incredible. Sensational. Exclusively on our channel you may follow dramatic moments. The champion dies of joy or emotions. Muffet keeps the title. GURU: Jesus, they have killed you! (FUNERAL DISCO MARCH IN THE BACKGROUND) ANNOUNCER: A GREEEAT TRAAAGEDY! Champion for five minutes. That is something you may see once in a hundred years. What a show! Stay with us, do not change the channel. The show goes on. And now we shall see the final between... (DIES AWAY)

PIECE OF CAKE – by Doru Marculescu

Epilogue BACKSTAGE. GURU: Your Excellency, I didn’t see this coming! God rest his soul! NERO: Rest his soul and forgive you, you bloody bastard, I feel like killing you! My plans went out in smoke! Do you have the slightest idea how much I lost? I bet all I had on that kid. In the tenth round odds were one hundred to one. I invested one million, you stupid oaf! ONE MILLION! And I was to get one hundred. ONE HUNDRED MILLION! You’re dead! GURU: But, Boss, how was I to know he had a weak heart? NERO: Proactivity, lad! You should have anticipated anything that could go wrong! GURU: (WHISPERING) Everything went as planned... NERO: Less the ending! ABC: ALWAYS BE CLOSING! GURU: But the agreement is valid. NERO: You still don’t get it! Those were the last funds borrowed and invested to tackle the crisis. You’ll be polishing shoes in the City, you scum! GURU: No, I’m begging you, give me another chance! NERO: You’re fired! And I’ll make sure NO-ONE EVER HEARS ANYTHING OF YOU! OUT OF MY SIGHT! GURU: (GOING OUT) Fiiiine! (SHUT THE DOOR) ALONE HE DIALS A NUMBER. GURU: Hello, Yin company? May I speak to Mr. Yang, please? THE END