SORTED magazine : Jan / Feb 2014

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BRUCE WILLIS WHERE THERE’S A WILLIS THERE’S A WAY ®

Jan/Feb 2014

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ANDI PETERS LET’S GO ON

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BRUCE WILLIS BRUCE ALMIGHTY

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CULTURE | SPORT | CARS | SEX | FITNESS | TECH | HUMOUR | LIFESTYLE

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Vol. 8 | No. 1 | Jan/Feb 2014

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42 80

46 ACTION 6

Military Matters with Flt Lt Jonny ‘JP’ Palmer

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The Bear Facts with Bear Grylls

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On the Rooftop of North Africa

58 FEATURES 42

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COLUMNISTS 16

Diamond Geezer with Ant Delaney

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Your Will, Mott Mine with Alex Willmott

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Compassion with Kate Sharma

CULTURE

No Business Like Show Business Andi Peters on Edd the Duck, cooking up a storm and getting super fit.

Fighting Back Against HIV EMMS International works in Malawi to prevent HIV and to address the stigma.

BUSINESS 66

We’re in Business with Charles Humphreys

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Making Your Mark with Stuart Rivers

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A Laugher Not a Fighter Family man versus action man: Bruce Willis talks to Kim Francis.

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Fourteen Hours with Twelve24 Christian band Twelve24 leaves a lasting impression in less than a day.

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From Strength to Strength Nonso Anozie takes on the role of hairy hard man Samson.

SPORT 80

Brian Kidd discusses football and faith

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Olympic bobsled was far from straightforward for Chris Lori

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Movies with Martin Leggatt

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Relationology with Matt Bird

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Television with Emily Russell

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Bolder and Boulder with Martin Carter

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Gaming with Jim Lockey

HEALTH & FITNESS

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DVD & Blu Ray with Martin Leggatt

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Fitness with Phil Baines

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Books with Mark Anderson

ADVICE

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Healthy Cooking with Mike Darracott

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Music with Sue Rinaldi

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Smart Talk

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Big Questions with Jonathan Sherwin

LIFESTYLE

HUMOUR 92

Kneel‐Down Stand‐Up with Paul Kerensa

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In Vino Veritas with Tony Vino

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Cars with Tim Barnes‐Clay

OPINION

35

Six of the Best… Feel the Power

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Money with Jon Cobb

36

Top Gear – Gadgets and gizmos galore

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Family with Richard Hardy

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Gadget Geek with Paul Hurst

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Faith with Sam Gibb

COMMENT

77

Politics with Lyndon Bowring

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Lucas Aid with Jeff Lucas

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Cut to the Chase with Lee and Baz

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The Last Word with Carl Beech

40 Sixty Second Life Coach

with Peter Horne

Cover pictures: WireImage and Getty Images

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Sorted.

STEVE LEGG

Up Front

The Good Guys and Their Gadgets Founding Editor Steve Legg steve@sorted‐magazine.com Deputy Editor Joy Tibbs joy@sorted‐magazine.com Sports Editor Stuart Weir Marketing & Advertising Rebekah Taylor rebekah@sorted‐magazine.com Duncan Williams Tel: 07960 829615 williamspublishing@yahoo.com Design Andy Ashdown Design www.andyashdowndesign.co.uk Print Halcyon www.halcyonline.co.uk Distribution COMAG © Sorted Magazine 2013 Sorted is published by Son Christian Media (SCM) Ltd. The acceptance of advertising does not indicate editorial endorsement.

SCM holds names and addresses on computer for the purpose of mailing in accordance with the terms registered under the Data Protection Act 1984.

Sorted is protected by copyright and nothing may be produced wholly or in part without prior permission.

Contact Sorted Magazine PO Box 3070, Littlehampton, West Sussex, BN17 6WX, UK Tel: 01903 732190 E‐mail: steve@sorted‐magazine.com

www.sorted-magazine.com

W

e all know men love gadgets and technology. Whether it’s mobile phones, gaming devices, music systems, sports gear, cars or other electronic equipment, we share a special relationship with gadgets.

We often use gadgets to impress each other with the tiniest video camera, the most expensive, function‐laden watch, or the fastest computer. Arm wrestling, bike racing and drinking competitions are no longer the main ways of proving our masculinity; it’s these gadgets that do the trick these days.

They’re the new way to show off wealth, taste and knowledge. We just can’t help it, it’s in our genes.

TERRE DES HOMMES NETHERLANDS CHOSE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT A RAPIDLY SPREADING FORM OF HIGH-TECH CHILD EXPLOITATION.

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I inherited it straight from my dad, who had every conceivable gadget, although he didn’t always get it right. Classic gadget disasters back in the ’70s included a Sony Betamax video and later a Laserdisc player. Don’t tell anyone, but years later I bought an Amstrad E‐ m@iler. How embarrassing.

Anyway, I digress. Back in the here and now, a team of Dutch lads known as Terre des Hommes Netherlands are using their

technological gifts and knowhow to make a real difference; not with faster, stronger or smaller gizmos, but to rescue vulnerable children across the world. It’s gadgetry at its best.

Terre des Hommes Netherlands chose to do something about a rapidly spreading form of high‐tech child exploitation that has tens of thousands of victims in the Philippines alone involved: webcam child sex tourism.

Predators from around the world have, until now, felt safe and anonymous. Using fake names and paying with untraceable prepaid credit cards, men from rich countries go online to look for children in developing countries and then pay these children to perform sexual acts in front of webcams. It’s the darkest side of men and their gadgets.

However, the Netherlands‐based child rights organisation is using technology to shine light into this darkness. It has gone undercover to expose this growing group of sexual predators.

With innovative, cutting‐edge technology that would make any gadget geek weep, the virtual character Sweetie was created. This computer model was made piece by piece to look and sound like a real girl. They captured the movements of a real person, applied them to her and used an application to control her every move.

Within weeks of going online, more than 20,000 predators from around the world had approached the virtual ten‐year‐old requesting webcam sex performances. But this time their supposed anonymity couldn’t protect them.

With the help of this virtual ten‐year‐old Filipino girl, researchers identified more than 1,000 adults in 65 countries. The video footage of the child predators has been handed over to police authorities around the world.

I love it. I love a good news story about the internet and hearing that the good guys have gained an advantage. And I love to hear that men are taking a stand against sexual exploitation and using their ‘toys’ to protect children whose childhoods have been taken away. n

Steve Legg FOUNDING EDITOR steve@sorted-magazine.com SteveLeggUK

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ACTION

FLT LT JONNY ‘JP’ PALMER

Military Matters

GOING COMMANDO

F

or a little under a decade during the 1960s and ’70s, the depths of the Vietnamese jungles were home to a force of more than 500,000 US troops, who were there to fight the oppression of Communist expansion on this Indochinese peninsula. With its tropical climate and 3,500‐mile coastline, the humidity was so intense that it made living in the dense foliage utterly unbearable.

The constant battle with heat and humidity led, among other things, to a previously unforeseen problem: a battle that has been fought and lost by many marathon runners over the years. Legend tells us that it was in these jungle conditions that the men of the US Marine Corps discovered the silver bullet in the fight against crotch rot and so, in their honour, was born the practice and nomenclature of ‘going commando’.

While it’s nice that the US Marine Corps can take at least one positive from that particular Cold War scuffle, Her Majesty’s Royal Marine Commandos have more strings to their bow than instituting an unseen fashion statement. Tracing their roots back to the impossibly named Duke of York and Albany’s Maritime Regiment of Foot, the Bootnecks have a distinguished 350‐year history and have been involved in pretty much every war and military action since.

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These skirmishes range from world‐famous battles to some less earthshattering brawls, such as the Anglo‐ Satsuma War (not, as you might think, initiated over the small, easy‐peel variety of orange) and the War of Jenkins’ Ear (which actually did kick off over a bloke’s ear!).

Today, as the UK’s elite amphibious light infantry force, the Royals are kept ready to deploy at short notice. They offer varied support, from providing a stabilising influence to taking the fight to the enemy in small teams of Special Forces or conducting operations in a full‐scale war.

As my only knowledge of the ‘Booties’ is that they are commanded by the Navy’s rather unfortunately titled Commander‐in‐Chief (abbreviated to CinC and pronounced ‘sink’) Fleet, I got in contact with Major Simon Dinsmore to find out what ‘going commando’ is all about. Currently serving at 3 Commando Brigade’s headquarters in Plymouth, Simon is responsible for the successful planning of all commando amphibious assaults, whether in training or on operations.

“I joined the Marines because I wanted to do something as far away from a desk job as possible,” he said, slightly ironically given that he had been tied to his desk until 8:30pm the day we spoke. “In my career I have completed three full tours of Afghanistan, been lucky enough to train in some of the most demanding environmental conditions known to man and have been involved in executing amphibious assaults at almost every level; from small raids to exercises of about 1,800 commandos.

“It gets pretty exciting, especially in the larger strikes, because you are just one of a number of landing craft all riding towards the objective in a wave of boats and fire support from medium and heavy machine guns over your head.”

When asked whether he saw himself in the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan, he laughed. “The days of large‐scale opposed landings are behind us,” he explains.

“That’s simply not the enemy we fight, and technology now affords us other options. We prefer our landings to be discrete. Being the first in, we favour the element of surprise over letting the enemy know we’re coming.”

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ACTION

Simon went on to tell Sorted a little about what the Royal Marines are doing on a daily basis today: “The Royal Marines have seen their last tour in Afghanistan.

Now we’re really getting back to grips with being the UK’s first choice in a crisis and protecting British interests from the sea.”

“MY TROOP HAD BEEN TASKED WITH ESCORTING A CONVOY THAT HAD TO GO STRAIGHT THROUGH KANDAHAR CITY. SIMPLE… UNTIL A CAR SWERVED TOWARDS OUR LEAD VEHICLE AND DETONATED A SUICIDE BOMB.”

MOD photography used under the Open Government Licence v1.0

To put this into context, Simon points out that although the bulk of the 8,300‐strong corps is concentrated in the war‐fighting elements, a significant part of the force has been pursuing the wider defence of the UK while most of Her Majesty’s Forces have been focusing on fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq.

“Probably the most significant day‐to‐day work is done

by Four‐Three Commando [part of 3 Commando Brigade].

Due to the work of this Fleet Protection Group, 43 East African pirates were convicted in 2011, and just a couple of weeks ago a Royal Marine attached to HMS Lancaster shot out the engine of a drug‐running speedboat, f

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ACTION

MOD photography used under the Open Government Licence v1.0

to say on that day I very much felt God working through me to keep us all safe.”

After this bombshell, I attempted to lift the mood and decided it was time to ask the all‐important question: do Marines really go commando? It worked, and a chuckling Simon assured me that: “When you’re on operations you have no choice about what you wear. If you’re out on the ground you have boxers, bomb‐proof pants and in some cases a blast shield. Protection is such an issue I’ve even heard of sergeants carrying out underpants checks before patrolling!

“But,” he said almost wistfully, “as we get back into the swing of contingency operations, we should get a few more opportunities!” n recovering 400kg of heroin and 1.2 tons of cannabis.

“Over the last six months, Lancaster alone has captured drugs with a street value of £160 million! It’s a lot of this stuff that we do that’s unique to the Marines that really keeps you interested.”

Asked to describe his most interesting experience as a Bootie, Major Dinsmore’s tone dropped slightly as he started to relate the tale. “It was December 2006 and I was a Troop Commander on Op Herrick 5 [in Afghanistan]; less than a year since I had left officer training,” he shares. “My troop had been tasked with escorting a convoy that had to go straight through Kandahar city. Simple… until a car swerved towards our lead vehicle and detonated a suicide bomb.

“My job was to assess the situation and get the survivors out whilst ensuring the rest of the convoy got to safety as quickly as possible. We set up fire positions and cleared an area for the helicopter to land. It all went without a hitch. The convoy got away and we loaded all the casualties onto an Army Lynx.

“In the rotor downdraft of the departing helicopter I looked around my men and saw them looking back at me as if to say, ‘What now, sir?’ We were a small troop of two vehicles in the middle of a hostile city, completely cut off from the rest of our unit.

“I had no idea of the ‘what now?’ and so did the only thing that made sense: I prayed. It was a particularly short prayer, but I sometimes find these get the most instant response, and God did not let me down. I felt a strange clarity of thought and His plan materialised instantly. I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice it

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Flight Lieutenant Jonny ‘JP’ Palmer has flown the Hercules C‐130 J for the Royal Air Force since 2010. He lives in Oxfordshire with his wife and three children near RAF Brize Norton. He is a member of the Armed Forces Christian Union and is passionate about making Jesus known in the military.

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ACTION

BEAR GRYLLS

The Bear Facts To Be Brave, You First Must Be Afraid Intrepid explorer Bear Grylls recently penned an excellent manual entitled A Survival Guide for Life. In it, he shares the hard‐earned lessons he has learned amid some of the harshest environments on earth.

This issue’s excerpt looks at the issue of bravery.

Often considered one of the most courageous men of our generation, Bear shares his own fears and explains how facing them is what makes us truly brave.

B

eing brave isn’t about not feeling scared.

Real courage is all about overcoming your fears. There is little courage involved in setting out on a journey where the destination is certain and every step in between has been mapped in detail.

Bravery is about leaving camp in the dark, when we do not know the route ahead and cannot be certain we will ever return.

While I was serving in the military, I suffered a free‐fall parachuting accident in Southern Africa, where I broke my back in three places. I then spent 18 months back in the UK, in and out of military rehabilitation, desperately trying to recover. It was the hardest, darkest, most frightening time I had ever known.

Nothing was certain, every movement was agony and my future hung in the balance. No one could tell me whether I would even walk properly again. It had been a jump that had cost me my career, my movement and almost my life. The idea of ever jumping again was almost impossible for me to face.

Yet over seven seasons of Born Survivor and Man Vs Wild, I have since had to jump out of almost every aircraft imaginable: hot air balloons, military C‐130 cargo planes, helicopters, biplanes, old World War Two Dakotas. You name it: the list is long. And each time it is still hard for me.

I never sleep much the night before and I have recurring nightmares from my accident, which

predictably surface just before a jump. It is a real mountain in my mind, one that induces a deep, gnawing fear. Heart racing, sweaty palms, dry throat. But I have to force myself to feel that fear and do it anyway. It is my work.

ONE THING I KNOW FOR SURE: IT IS ONLY BY DOING WHAT WE FEAR THAT WE CAN EVER TRULY LEARN TO BE BRAVE. The crew on the adventure TV shows I have done know that skydiving is hard for me. And I know there will always be a hand that reaches across to my shoulder during the few moments before that plane door opens.

The team know I am busy facing demons every time we go up, but it is the job, and I don’t ever want to let my demons win.

Bravery is about facing up to the things we fear the most, and overcoming and conquering those fears... or at least quelling them for a while.

And the greater the fear, the greater the bravery.

But one thing I know for sure: it is only by doing what we fear that we can ever truly learn to be brave. n Bear Grylls is an adventurer, writer and television presenter. He is best known for his television series Born Survivor, known as Man Vs Wild in the US, Canada, Australia and New Zealand. Bear spent three years in the SAS and is one of the youngest Britons to climb Mount Everest, doing so at the age of 23. In July 2009, he became the youngest ever Chief Scout at the age of 35.

If you want to read on, we strongly recommend investing in a copy. It’s available from all good bookshops and online retailers, and it could just help you make the changes that you need to introduce in order to turn your life around.

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ACTION

On the Rooftop of North Africa Intrepid trekker James Ingham summits Morocco’s highest peak in winter.

trek to the Toubkal base camp at Neltner.

The trail zigzagged steeply and we hit the snowline before we reached base camp, which meant that we had to use our crampons. On arrival, we were briefed on the snow survival tools and skills that we might need for the journey ahead, including ice axes and rope ladders. It felt like something from a Bear Grylls survival programme.

THE ASCENT WAS CERTAINLY NO STROLL IN THE PARK, BUT THE REWARD WAS A MAGNIFICENT VIEW OF TOUBKAL AND OTHER SNOW-CAPPED PEAKS WHEN WE REACHED THE TOP.

I

’ve witnessed my fair share of stunning mountain vistas, but standing at the summit of Mount Toubkal was a surreal experience. It was December, the air was bitterly cold and the Atlas Mountains were capped with snow, but to the east there were superb views of the Sahara, the world’s largest hot desert. Looking to the west, I could make out the hazy outline of the Atlantic Coast and the ocean beyond. It felt like I was surveying all of Africa.

This was my first trip to Morocco, and I was here for two reasons: for some much‐needed winter sun and for a spot of peak bagging. Just a three‐hour flight away from London, the ‘red city’ of Marrakech enjoys balmy daytime temperatures of above 20°C even in winter and, at 4,167 metres tall, Mount Toubkal in the nearby Atlas Mountains is North Africa’s highest peak. I had already summited Kilimanjaro and trekked to Everest Base Camp, so I welcomed the idea of ticking another major peak off the list.

After a day exploring Marrakech with its sprawling souks, exotic smells and frequent calls to prayer blaring out across the city, my tour group set off on a bumpy drive across the plains towards the mountains. It was just a short walk from the village of Imlil to reach our base for the night; a very simple gite d’étape furnished in the traditional Berber style, with little more than mattresses on the floor. The following morning, after loading our baggage and provisions onto the mules that would accompany us on our journey, we began our five‐hour 12

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There was plenty of time to acclimatise to the altitude and practise using the equipment the next day when we had the chance to summit Toubkal’s sister peak, Ouanoukrim. At over 4,088 metres in height, the ascent was certainly no stroll in the park, but the reward was a magnificent view of Toubkal and other snow‐capped peaks when we reached the top.

After another night at our stone refuge, where we huddled around a small fireplace in an effort to keep warm (the temperature dropped to a chilly sub‐zero overnight), we began our ascent of Toubkal. This is the ultimate goal for many walkers who visit the High Atlas, and although it’s not a technically difficult climb, the final section of the five‐hour ascent is steep and involves a bit of scrambling. While the winter conditions certainly made the challenge greater than if we had been trekking in summer, it also added a sense of adventure.

When we reached the summit, the views of the snow‐ capped Middle Atlas range and the desert beyond were absolutely breathtaking.

With my ‘peak bagging’ goal fulfilled, it was tempting to take it easy for the rest of the trip, but instead I joined most of the trekking group for one last foray into the snow on a hike into the tight gorge of the Tizi Ouanoums Pass. Far from being an anti‐climax after the big event, our efforts were rewarded with stunning views down the southern side of the mountain to the shimmering, emerald green Lac d’Ifni below. It felt like a fitting finale to a demanding but exhilarating trek that had taken me right onto the rooftop of North Africa.

Make it happen Several airlines fly from the UK to Marrakech Menara Airport, including British Airways from Gatwick, Easyjet from Gatwick and Manchester and Ryanair from Stansted and Luton. Alternatively, book a tour package that includes return flights from the UK. From May to September, Intrepid Travel (www.intrepidtravel.com) offers an eight‐day Mount

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ACTION Recommended Reads

Training for a trekking holiday

Forget the guide book and get a feel for Morocco and the magic of the Atlas Mountains with these top reads:

If you’ve read about celebrities summiting Kilimanjaro and the like for charity, you might think trekking up mountains is easy. It’s not. Whether you want to trek along the Inca Trail in Peru or hike to the top of Mount Toubkal in Morocco, you need to build up your fitness first, just as you would if you were signing up for a marathon.

If you’re in good health and are already active, it shouldn’t be too hard to adjust your fitness regime.

Here’s how to do it:

Lords of the Atlas

by Gavin Maxwell

Toubkal Trek from £385 per person including accommodation, most meals, local transport, a city tour in Marrakech, a tour leader and experienced mountain guides. From October to March, it offers the eight‐day winter Toubkal itinerary, with prices starting from £495 per person. Intrepid can also arrange international flights.

British citizens do not need a visa to travel to Morocco.

Trekking essentials Spare a thought for the pack mules and travel light, but remember to take these essentials: n A waterproof jacket n A warm fleece n A 3‐4 season sleeping bag n A hat and gloves n A water bottle n A sun hat, sunglasses and sunscreen n Strong, worn‐in walking boots n A torch, flashlight or headlamp n A travel towel and toilet paper n A daypack to carry your water, camera and so on

For winter trekking you’ll also need: n n n n

A warm jacket and trousers Waterproof trousers Thermal underwear Crampons and ice axes (these can be hired)

SORTED’S TOP TIP It’s a good idea to wear your walking boots on the plane, just in case you lose your luggage en route. Everything else is replaceable, but worn-in boots are not.

The Sheltering Sky

by Paul Bowles A Year in Marrakech

by Peter Mayne

1. Get your heart pumping You need to take regular aerobic exercise that raises your heart rate to 60‐70% of your maximum. It can be running, walking, football, tennis or anything else you enjoy.

If you’re a member of a gym, take a fitness test to determine your maximum heart rate per minute.

Alternatively, estimate it by subtracting your age from 220. Use pulse monitors on gym equipment or a heart rate monitor to check that you’re reaching 60‐70% when you train.

Start with three sessions of 30‐50 minutes each week and build up to five sessions a week over a month to six weeks. Try to increase the length of your sessions by 10% each week. If you’re training for the first time, exercise on alternate days to give your body time to recover.

Running is great as it builds strength around your ankles and calves. Vary the gradient if you’re running on a machine and introduce short, intense sprints to add variation and to help build your maximum oxygen intake capacity. Stair climbing and rowing are also good choices.

SORTED’S TOP TIP A long walk, swim or cycle lasting 2-4 hours once a week will complement your training.

2. Build muscle endurance The key areas to focus on are your quads, hamstrings, calves, lower back, stomach and core. Repeat each exercise on the next page 10‐15 times, rest for 30 seconds, then do two more sets of repetitions. Do everything slowly, breathing in for the contraction and exhaling for the downward movement. f

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ACTION the floor. Slowly lift your shoulders to your knees and then lower so they are just off the ground.

Side slides: Stand straight with your feet shoulder‐ width apart. Lower one side of your body, running your hands down your side. Hold and then return to the standing position before repeating on the other side. Try it with weights in each hand to help build muscle.

Stretch for five to ten minutes before and after each workout, and alternate anaerobic and aerobic exercises to give your muscles time to recover. n

SORTED’S TOP TIP Take four or five long walks, each lasting around four to six hours, before you go on your trek. This helps your heart and muscles prepare. You don’t have to go anywhere with great ascents and descents; it’s more about being on your feet for long periods of time.

Top five things to do in Marrakech 1. Soak up the atmosphere at Djemaa el-Fna This lively, central square comes alive at night with street food stalls, snake charmers, entertainers, fire eaters, musicians and dancers.

2. Get lost in the medina (stalls) The old part of the city is a labyrinth of twisting laneways, with Djemaa el-Fna at its heart. Practise your bartering skills as you lose yourself in the numerous souks, which sell everything from spices to shoes; tea pots to tagines.

3. Visit a hammam (steam bath house) For a truly invigorating experience, get scrubbed clean at a traditional hammam. If a spot of relaxation is more your style, visit one of the many luxury hammams that are springing up in the city’s larger hotels.

Squats: Leaning with your back flat against a wall and your feet 30‐50cm from the wall, slowly squat by lowering the top half of your body until your legs have a 90‐degree bend in them. Hold for a few seconds and then slowly return to the starting position.

Lunges: Keeping the top half of your body straight, take a step forward, bending your knee so that your leg is at right angles. Hold, then return to the start position and repeat on the other leg. It’s best to start without weights and add them once your balance has improved.

Calf stretches: Stand on a step on the balls of your feet, leaving two‐thirds of your feet overhanging the step. Raise yourself as high as you can, hold and then slowly lower to the starting position.

Dorsal raises: Lie face down on the floor and raise your shoulders six inches off the ground, taking care to keep your legs and feet on the floor. Slowly lower them.

To increase intensity, bring your hands level with your shoulders. The further forward they are, the greater the resistance.

Lower-abdominal crunches: Lying with your back flat on the floor, place your hands under the natural arch in your back with your legs and feet together. Slowly raise your legs to 90 degrees from the floor, hold for a few seconds and slowly lower them so they are just above the floor.

Upper-abdominal crunches: Lying with your back on the floor, raise your thighs off the ground so that they are at a right angle to the floor and your shins are parallel to 14

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4. Learn to cook a tagine Named after the conical clay or ceramic pot in which they are traditionally cooked, tagines are an absolute staple of Moroccan cuisine. Feel like a local as you shop for your ingredients and spices at the market and master the art of authentic tagine with Urban Adventures (www.urbanadventures.com).

5. Try out a few words of Arabic Most Moroccans also speak French, but it’s worth trying to master a few basic pleasantries in Arabic.

Salaam is hello, aiwa means yes, and la is no. Say min fadhlek for please and shukran for thank you.

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COLUMNISTS

ANT DELANEY

Diamond Geezer

Miracle Cure for Thanatophobia!

B

ritish playwright Somerset Maugham told the story of a merchant in Baghdad who sent his servant to market to buy provisions. A little while later the servant came back white and trembling.

“Master,” he said. “Just now when I was in the marketplace I was jostled by a woman in the crowd, and when I turned I saw it was Death.

She looked at me and made a threatening gesture. Now, lend me your horse and I will ride away from this city to avoid my fate. I will go to Samara so that Death will not find me.”

The merchant lent him his horse, and the servant dug his spurs into its flanks. He went as fast as the horse could gallop. Then the merchant went down to the marketplace and he saw Death standing in the crowd. He came to Death and said: “Why did you make a threatening gesture to my servant when you saw him this morning?”

“That was not a threatening gesture,” Death said. “It was only a start of surprise. I was astonished to see him in Baghdad, because I had an appointment with him tonight in Samara.”

We all have an appointment in Samara!

Death is the one thing we will all share in common. The Greek poet Euripides said: “Death is the debt we all must pay.” All of us.

The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 8:8: “No one can keep from dying or put off the day of death. That is a battle we cannot escape; we cannot cheat our way out.”

I got on a plane last week and the moment the guy next to me – a great big rugby type – sat down I could see he was scared to death.

Like Mr T, he had to medicate himself before he could get on the plane… only with beer. And he wanted more of it all the way from Southampton to Manchester. He was actually shaking!

I asked him: “Why are you so scared?”

He said: “Well, what if we’re all going to die?”

I said: “We are. We’re all going to die. But probably not now.”

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I thought it was a good joke, but it didn’t seem to settle him down. I decided I’d better be a bit more pastoral, so I got talking to him to take his mind off it. I said: “Don’t worry.

You’re in the second‐safest seat on the plane.”

He brightened up. “What, statistically speaking?”

“No, biblically speaking. I work for God and I believe he has lots of things for me still to do in Manchester. He’s going to get me there safe. I’m in this seat, so this seat is going to Manchester.

And you’re in the seat next to me.”

It became a great opportunity to share what I believe about God with him because he was 100% focused (well, 70% because of the beer) and because I wasn’t scared. I don’t mean I’m not scared of flying. I mean I’m not scared of dying! I’m not saying that I want to do so today, necessarily, but as a Christ follower it’s not the worst that can happen.

Getting on a plane is the only time many people allow themselves to think about dying.

Most don’t think about it when they get on a bus, although looking at some of our buses and how they are driven, maybe we should!

GETTING ON A PLANE IS THE ONLY TIME MANY PEOPLE ALLOW THEMSELVES TO THINK ABOUT DYING. Are you scared to death of death? There’s a word for that: thanatophobia.

Francis Bacon wrote: “Men fear death, as children fear to go in the dark.” As a small boy I remember long nights in bed when I would cry because of the irrational fear that my parents would die and I’d be left all alone. That was more difficult for me than facing my own mortality.

The word used when someone you love dies is ‘bereaved’. It’s rooted in an old English word that means ‘robbed’, and that’s how it feels. Ask the mother robbed of her baby, the man robbed of his wife after an accident or the parents who get a military visit to tell them what happened in battle and that their son isn’t coming home. Listen to those standing in casualty after the doctor told them the last thing they wanted to hear. Robbed.

Does anyone remember Martin Bashir’s documentary on Michael Jackson? Remember where the king of pop lived? Neverland. One of the things that became clear was Michael

Jackson’s obsession with ageing and death, and there were many statues of Peter Pan around the house.

Bashir asked Jackson: “Why are you so focused on Peter Pan?” Jackson said: “I am Peter Pan. I never want to grow up.”

One place they visited showcased expensive coffins. Bashir asked: “Do you want to be buried or cremated?”

Jackson replied: “I don’t want to die. I want to live forever.”

When Richard Branson was asked how he wanted to be remembered, he said: “I don’t want to be remembered. I want to be here.” But even with all his money he can’t make that happen.

We are used to being in control, and in the Western world we are able to control a great deal. There has been astonishing progress in the development of technology, medicine and communication in the last few decades. But we still can’t control death. Death is the last taboo subject of society: the one thing you really shouldn’t discuss in polite company. If we really have to mention it, we use veiled terms such as “she passed away” rather than “she’s dead”. It just sounds too brutal and final.

But the two main jobs I’ve had have made me very familiar with death. I saw my first dead body when I was 16: a suicide at a train station.

Working in the police I saw murder victims, car crash deaths and even helped carry bodies off the plane at the Manchester Airport disaster.

But it’s not just the shocking deaths and disasters that are frightful, is it? As a minister I’ve held hands with countless grieving family members as they’ve told me about the child, mum, dad, husband or wife they have lost.

The look on their faces says: “The world just changed totally for us. We don’t know what to do with our shock and pain. How can we go on now (s)he’s gone?”

When life on earth ends for someone we love, many people press stop on life themselves.

Perhaps they make a shrine, try to freeze the moment and find it hard to move on. Some shake a fist towards heaven, while others open their hands for help. What’s your reaction?

Frankly, I don’t know how anyone who is not closely connected to God and doesn’t have an eternal perspective copes at times like this if death really is the end. One atheist’s gravestone bears the words: “All dressed up, and nowhere to go.”

So, what do we do with death? What do you think happens next? Do you have a view of life that can cope with the inevitability of infinity?

Some men’s magazines help readers ignore what will happen or at least look a bit younger as they get older. I hope you’re healthy today, but the reality is we are all going to die at some point.

In my next column I’ll look at a few of the ways people have tried to cope with this ultimate statistic. See you then? I hope so, anyway. n Author and broadcaster Anthony Delaney regularly features on BBC radio. He is strategic leader of Ivy, a movement of new churches that meets in cinemas, a pub, a warehouse, homes and a church building. His book Diamond Geezers has just been released as an audio book and is available direct from www.ivymanchester.org. Follow him on twitter @anthonydelaney.

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RUNNING HEAD COLUMNISTS

ALEX WILLMOTT

Your Will, Mott Mine

What are the Odds? no doubt that the two of us will give our everything to this. However, I’m not making the same assumption that I see in churches up and down the UK, where many people believe that their marriages are safe before they set foot down the aisle simply because they are churchgoers. I know how infuriating it can be to share life with others. To be honest, I often feel bored and angry in my own company, let alone anyone else’s.

FOR ME A TOUGH, ENJOYABLE, SELF-SACRIFICING JOURNEY LIES AHEAD; DRENCHED IN RED WINE AND ROMANCE.

I

’m getting married in May, and there’s a very high probability that my marriage will fail. Now that’s the kind of optimistic statement a Sorted reader wants to hear, right? Last week I read the most recent UK divorce statistics as if I were a ten‐year‐old watching a horror film through his fingertips. It wasn’t pretty. Around 48% of marriages are tipped to end in permanent separation in the UK today. That’s not a hopeful stat for a man to read just before he signs his marriage papers.

Imagine your doctor giving you a 52% chance of survival, or a mechanic telling you there was a 48% chance your car would fail its MOT. It’s a statistic that holds a lot of negative clout. But why am I even taking this into consideration?

Surely I should be bouncing off the walls of romance at this stage.

Well, having spoken with several wise men and women, I’ve found that there is a fine line between blind naivety and fearful scepticism when it comes to marriage. In the one camp of my brain I hear the voices of the good ole stalwarts; walking, talking examples of lifelong, wrinkled commitment. However, in the other camp are the faces of more than half the married couples I know, who are now divorced. The two camps stand opposed, like

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the Montagues and Capulets of Verona.

Having said that, my fiancée and I share more than a Welsh upbringing and a love of red wine. Oh yes, we share a Christian faith. And this fact should silence the 48% statistic, taunting it like a football hooligan, shouldn’t it? Well, the figures around Christian marriage in the West don’t exactly paint a Vanilla Sky backdrop, either. From the discussions I’ve had with my divorced Christian friends, faith is often accompanied by its own set of complexities during times of conflict.

So where does that leave me? Well, many Christian writers planning for marriage spew out scripture like faulty fountains, spraying their confidence over anyone who will listen. Others wear a brave face, seemingly fearless about where their odyssey will take them. For me, I take both camps to bed. (No, not like that!)

What I mean to say is that the 48% divorce statistic and the testimonies of the aged bride and groom form the backdrop for my impending nuptials. As I venture forward into this unknown realm of marriage, I do so with the utmost awareness of the reality of divorce, coupled with the confidence that I should look forward to a lifelong adventure with the woman of my dreams.

Nobody sets out to fail in anything. There’s

The truth is that all the tools needed to combat conflict are laid before us. That’s a universal truth for all who are willing to take on board the teachings of the Nazarene. But it’s going to be hard. One Saturday I’m sure I’ll watch Blackburn lose and my wife will forget to sympathise with my plight. On that awful day of loss, I’ll need the tools of reconciliation.

I’ll need the Bible, close friends and space to be alone.

On a less ridiculous note, I can’t wait to take on the challenge. And that’s often how I view it: as a challenge. For me a tough, enjoyable, self‐sacrificing journey lies ahead; drenched in red wine and romance.

We’ll need our friends to help us, our church to guide us and the Bible to protect us. And if I may be so bold, I’d like the good readers of Sorted magazine to send a few up on our behalf. Whether you’ve never prayed before or you’re the church Yoda, send one up for the Willmotts. There’s a 48% chance of failure, don’t you know! n Alex Willmott penned the epic Selah trilogy. Former newspaper journalist, sports fanatic and local football manager, Alex took a vow to live life to the full after reading the book of John in the Bible aged 16. Visit www.alexwillmott.com for more information. Follow Alex on Twitter: @Alexinboxes.

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COLUMNISTS

KATE SHARMA

Compassion

You Are Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

P

salm 139 is one of my favourites; it’s the psalm I reach for when I’ve had a bad day at the office. Rather than dive into the nearest pub, I remind myself that I am “marvellously made”, despite my failings. It’s easy to snap out of my pity party as I only have to look around to see how blessed I am. But I wonder what this psalm means to those who don’t live with such hope in their lives.

Juan Perez loiters near the door of his rundown apartment in Peru’s capital, Lima.

His grandmother has asked the youngster to go to the store for her, but Juan is reluctant. He protests and grapples with her as she pushes him out of the door. Less than five minutes pass and Juan returns without the shopping.

His shirt is torn, his knuckles are grazed and his forehead is smeared with blood. This is not the first time Juan has been attacked on his way to the shop.

Juan is picked on because he is HIV positive.

“My grandson is reluctant to go out by himself because the neighbourhood children insult and beat him, saying he has AIDS,” explains his grandmother.

Having lost both parents to the disease, he now lives with his ageing grandmother, who can barely afford to feed him. Juan is an easy target for the street thugs in Lima and has developed a thick skin and defiant attitude in response.

I wonder what Psalm 139 would mean to Juan? Can a boy who is beaten and shunned by his community really believe that he is fearfully and wonderfully made? Can a boy who watched his parents suffer the pain and indignity of AIDS, which eventually claimed their lives, really believe there is a loving God who has a plan and purpose for his life? You wouldn’t blame him for dismissing the words of Psalm 139 as fiction.

JUAN IS AN EASY TARGET FOR THE STREET THUGS IN LIMA. When Juan’s grandmother was at her lowest point, she walked past her local church and saw streams of cheerful children running through the doors. She stopped for a moment to consider the difference between these happy children and her own grandson, imprisoned in her small flat with nothing to look forward to. She waited long enough to strike up a conversation with one of the mums, who told her that the church ran a project to help kids in in the community who are in need. With hope stirring in her heart, she enquired about a place for her grandson.

The rest, as they say, is history. As a Compassion‐sponsored child at the Assemblies of God Church in Lima, Juan

receives antiretroviral medication, nutritious food supplies and regular medical check‐ups.

He is also attending school for the first time.

In a sense, all these practical elements are easy to provide. The real challenge is teaching a young boy who has experienced so much loss and pain that life is worth living.

But the project offers a long‐term solution and is committed to supporting Juan for as long as he needs help. Staff members have taken the time to get to know Juan and to care for him. While once he was marginalised and rejected, Juan has found a place where he is loved and celebrated. His grandmother’s greatest joy comes when she sees Juan playing with his friends. “Now the children include him in their play. Before, none of them would dare to approach him,” she says. Through the love of his grandmother, the support of the church and the words and prayers of his sponsor, Juan is learning that Psalm 139 was written especially for him.

Around the world there are millions of children like Juan, whose spirits have been crushed by the poverty in which they live.

Children who are repeatedly told they are worthless come to believe that as truth. The only way they will ever learn their true value is if someone tells them. We can be part of that solution. n Compassion is an international Christian child development and child advocacy ministry. Partnering with local churches, it is committed to the spiritual, economic, social and physical development of children living in extreme poverty in 26 countries, enabling them to become responsible and fulfilled Christian adults. To sponsor a child with Compassion visit www.compassionuk.org or call 01932 836490.

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CULTURE

MOVIES

With Martin Leggatt

The Railway Man Some years back I was reading a book called The One That Got Away, a tale of incredible ‘derring‐do’ involving an SAS trooper during the first Gulf War. At the same time, my father – a man not given to excessive public displays of emotion – was reading a very different book: The Railway Man by Eric Lomax. With tears in his eyes, my dad finished the book and offered me an exchange. I can only conclude that the printers must have impregnated the pages with chlorine, because it made my eyes weep as well.

Starring Colin Firth as the older

Lomax, this Jonathan Teplitzky film is a faithful adaptation of the autobiographical account of Lomax’s time as a prisoner of war after the fall of Singapore. It is a tale of sickening cruelty from the Japanese towards the captured allied servicemen who, against the terms of the Geneva Convention, were used as slave labour to build the Thailand‐Burma Railway.

The film is told in two parts. The war story of captivity and torture features Jeremy Irvine as the young Lomax and Sam Reid as his friend Finlay. The later years, which tell the

story of how an older Lomax and Finlay (Stellan Skarsgard) try to come to terms with the brutality they endured and finally track down Lomax’s torturer, Takashi Nagase (Hiroyuki Sanada).

Like the book, the film tries to convey how Lomax saw beyond the man who had been his torturer, piecing together the complex dynamics of human relationships in the most dehumanising situations.

There is also a wonderfully sympathetic performance from Nicole Kidman as Lomax’s love and ultimate saviour, Patti Wallace.

Think about it: when was the last time he made a truly good film?

The disappointment is doubled in the case of Michael Douglas. One minute he’s riding the wave of success in Behind the Candelabra, then suddenly he finds himself in a damp squib. That said, Michael Douglas is perhaps the one good

thing about this film.

Paddy, Sam and Archie (De Niro, Kline and Freeman), three 60‐year‐ old men, enjoy one last road trip to throw a bachelor party in Las Vegas for their one single friend Billy (Douglas). This part of the story is quite feasible: Douglas is still an eminently (and sickeningly) good‐ looking man, while the others look their age. In fact, Kevin Kline looks as though he could be auditioning for the role of Santa Claus.

There are a few moments of comedy, such as the scene where we see Morgan Freeman climb out of his bedroom window like an absconding adolescent, only for the camera to pan out to reveal that he is on the ground floor. There is also a nod and a wink to Douglas’s real‐life younger wife in the characters’ reactions to his much younger bride to be in the movie. The best way to describe this film would be to imagine the old guys from Cocoon starring in The Hangover.

Last Vegas On paper, this film should be awesome. The cast comprises Robert De Niro, Morgan Freeman, Michael Douglas and Kevin Kline, which should guarantee quality. Sadly, it’s not. Robert De Niro, arguably the greatest US film actor of his generation, seems to be stuck in a trough of making really poor films.

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JJJJJ An incredibly

moving movie that will make your eyes leak

JJJJJ No, De Niro!

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CULTURE

Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom There really is no stopping the powerhouse talent of Idris Elba. The star of Luther, The Wire, and potentially the next James Bond (not to mention DJ extraordinaire), has added the role of one of the 20th century’s most iconic and influential figures in modern history to his CV. The film chronicles the life of Nelson Mandela from his childhood through his years of being hunted as a terrorist to his eventual inauguration as South Africa’s first black post‐apartheid prime minister.

Naomie Harris co‐stars as Winnie.

JJJJJ Yes, minister

Non-Stop This offering from producer Joel Silver (Lethal Weapon) sees Air Marshall Bill Marks (Liam Neeson) going about his normal everyday duties aboard a flight from New York to London, when he starts receiving very unusual anonymous threats via text message to his mobile phone (what is it about Liam and mobile phones?). The texts demand a ransom of $150 million to be transferred to a bank account. If not, passengers will be killed at 20‐minute intervals.

Things take a very nasty turn for Marks when the bank account is found to be in his name and, with a bomb aboard the plane, all evidence points to him being the hijacker. You can guess what ensues: a desperate struggle to track down the real hijacker and clear his name. Who is behind the hijacking and what do they have against Marks? You’ll have to watch this rollercoaster action

JJJJJ A solid and

spectacular to find out. Neeson is ably supported by the superb

Julianne Moore, Michelle Dockery and Anson Mount.

steady film, but sadly it’ll never be Taken

take on a science fiction classic, you might be either severely disappointed or pleasantly surprised.

At the height of his fame and success, the married Dickens meets

a much younger woman named Nelly Ternan (Felicity Jones) and becomes her lover. The always excellent Kristin Scott Thomas plays Nelly’s sister, novelist Frances Ternan. They are joined by one of my favourite actors, Tom Hollander, who plays author Wilkie Collins, one of Dickens’ best friends.

This film might be a little niche for some Sorted readers, but if you have ever enjoyed the works of one of the greatest writers in English literature, this will offer great insight into some of the demons that lie behind his novels.

JJJJJ What the

The Invisible Woman Ralph Fiennes directs and stars in this biography of Charles Dickens’ secret lover, who to all intents and purposes was invisible. If, like me, you were expecting an exciting new

Dickens?

Martin Leggatt is married to Sue and father to Aaron, Sam, Hope and Paige. He’s a self‐ confessed movie geek, although his tastes run to an eclectic assortment of action, thriller, black and white, war and pretentious (as Sue would say) art house films. Martin’s favourite film is Powell and Pressburger’s A Matter of Life and Death.

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CULTURE

TELEVISION With Emily Russell

BBC/Tiger Aspect

Ripping Up the Street

I

IT’S A DARK, GRIMY, LUSTY WORLD. It’s a dark, grimy, lusty world that will be familiar from other recent costume dramas. The show contains a lot of facial hair, spilt blood, bodice‐ripping, questionable morals and even more questionable accents. It’s not just the trappings that are familiar, though; the show also covers issues that are still relevant today: distrust of the police and of their ability to do their job; disaffected soldiers changed by

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their recent war experiences; and newspaper reporter Fred Best (David Dawson), who delights in needling those he intends to write about, which he usually does in the most negative of terms. The world might look a little different today, but sadly the problems remain much the same.

All three leads struggle to deal with secret demons: Reid and his wife try to deal with the disappearance of their young daughter and with each other’s differing reactions to it; Drake struggles with his memories of war and how much he enjoyed the bloodshed; and Jackson has a murky past that he and brothel madam Long Susan (MyAnna Buring) are determined to keep hidden.

They are all good at their jobs and

Emily Russell has a degree in Media and Film Studies and works part‐time for the University of Southampton. She wrote Culturewatch articles for the Damaris Trust website (www.damaris.org) for eight years and watches far too much science‐fiction and fantasy, crime shows, and wrestling. She is married to Anthony. Her film articles can be found at: emilyrussellwrites.wordpress.com.

Series Two of Ripper Street aired recently on BBC One. The first series is available on DVD

BBC/Tiger Aspect

t’s 1889, and while Jack the Ripper appears to have stopped killing at last, his legend continues to haunt London. In this fraught climate, one of the men who hunted the Ripper, Detective Inspector Edmund Reid (Matthew Macfadyen), is privately trying to deal with a devastating personal loss in BBC drama Ripper Street.

Meanwhile, he works to keep London safe from other terrors, assisted by loyal and hard‐hitting Sergeant Bennett Drake (Jerome Flynn), whom some will remember for his musical hits during the nineties and others will recognise from his more recent and praised work in Game of Thrones) and American surgeon and former Pinkerton agent Captain Homer Jackson (Adam Rothenberg).

enjoy them, but there is a great deal of darkness in their lives, and the constant struggle involved is both difficult and debilitating. The viewer is persuaded that perhaps if they talked about their issues or sought out help rather than repressing the pain or attempting to drown it using other means, they might have a better chance of overcoming their trials.

Reid and his men don’t always win the day. People suffer and die, while villains escape unscathed. It’s a deeply painful world and many of the ‘respectable people’ are caught up in its seedier side. Many are trapped by their pasts, too. Chief Inspector Abberline (Clive Russell), Reid’s famous colleague on the Jack the Ripper case, is so obsessed with finding the infamous serial killer that it consumes and damages him.

Most of the characters carry festering emotional wounds, either from trying to suppress their pasts or from attempting to deal with them in unhealthy ways. The world can be a difficult place to live regardless of the time period, and it’s likely that all of us will be affected by it in some way or another. But as the show suggests, it’s the way we choose to deal with the pain we experience that really matters. n

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CULTURE

GAMING With Jim Lockey

What’s in a Game?

Proteus (PC, PS3, Vita)

T

here are plenty of games out there that attempt to pull at the player’s emotions. Most use techniques from literature and film to hammer at the chords of our heartstrings. The Heart of Darkness‐ inflected Spec Ops: The Line and the summer blockbuster stylings of Uncharted are testament to the fact that games can affect our hearts as effectively as any other medium.

But as I played Proteus and felt the urge to shed a tear rising inside me, I didn’t feel as though my emotions were being targeted. The game was able to tap into something much deeper. Emotions are fickle and easily manipulated by romance or shock. The response Proteus quietly drew from me resonated within the deepest parts of my being. I’d use the word soul if only that didn’t sound so hyperbolic. We’re only talking about a game, after all.

I had better describe my experience with it, so as to explain my bold claim. But as I do, take note that although there are clear game systems in place, it is hard to explain why Proteus is considered to be a game at all.

At first the experience relies upon exploration and discovery. Proteus is set on a strange island that is different each time you play. Once you get to learn the systems, each procedurally generated island loses its power to truly surprise, but each retains the ability to fill the gamer with a sense of wonder and awe. If the game can be said to be about anything, it is wonder and awe.

Every playthrough starts the same way: you open your eyes to find yourself surrounded by sea. Then, as if from the mist or the haze of the sun, an island appears. From then on, nothing is the same as the last time you played. Yet each time, with no narrative cues and no objective to complete, you are compelled to explore the landscape.

At first you feel passive; all you can do is walk about and look around.

But play on and you realise how much your presence affects the otherwise uninhabited island: animals either run from you or watch you from the trees. Approach a bed of flowers and they’ll chirp in surprise before disappearing below ground. I have even been chased by an angry group of bees. Everything down to the sounds of the island is subtly affected by your being there and the way you choose to explore.

Standing stones, paths, statues and the odd hut suggest that the island wasn’t always devoid of people. The human debris, however, only serves to compound the fact that you are totally alone and left to wander a strange land without company.

When you land on a new island it is always spring: cherry blossoms blow and the trees hum with life. But in

the only system approaching a narrative, you can learn to make seasons advance.

The first time I did this, I watched the moon chase the sun across the sky time and again as days and nights flew past. Then the light grew very bright and as it faded away the season had changed to summer. I gleefully chased a cloud of butterflies around all season, but as I advanced time once more to see autumn, I watched in horror as the butterflies fell to the ground one by one. They lay on the grass twitching. Had I not seen them drop, I might have mistaken them for little plants. All the butterflies were gone because of the colder weather.

Had I caused their death, was I responsible? Or was it an inevitable part of the lifecycle?

PROTEUS MANAGES TO REKINDLE THE KIND OF WONDER WE HAVE AS CHILDREN. Proteus has no goal, no enemy units and no challenges of skill, but if you play you may become challenged by your own responses to it. The glee of interacting with the game’s wildlife and secrets is counteracted by the tread of time, which is marked by the changing seasons. Time beats a metre that eventually leads to the end of a playthrough.

You cause the seasons to change, as that is all you really can do in Proteus, but in doing so you begin to draw the end ever closer. Even the ending itself is strange; leaving you to wonder whether it is waking or death that delivers you back to the main menu.

Proteus manages to rekindle the kind of wonder we have as children, but that is often pushed down by the grind of adult life. Exactly what it all means is up to the player and seems to change as fluidly as the landscape itself, but its effect is profound and impossible to put into words. It is an experience of what, in aesthetics, is called ‘the sublime’. n Jim is a lifelong gamer and lives in Kent with his wife and children. He is also an artist and curator. His website is www.jimlockey.co.uk and his PSN name is tearfulminotaur.

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CULTURE

DVD & BLU RAY

Getty Images

With Martin Leggatt

Stunt Double

Y

ou will be reading this review some time after I’ve actually written it, and the chances are that the source of my inspiration will have largely passed you by. The truth is, my subject matter hastily changed following the news that legendary Hollywood stuntman and director Hal Needham had passed away following a battle with cancer.

At one time, Hal was the top‐ earning stuntman in the movie industry, commanding huge fees in a career that gained him 56 broken bones, a twice‐broken back, a punctured lung and the loss of most of his teeth. He was the primary stuntman for the highest‐paid actor in the world, Burt Reynolds, with whom he forged a very close friendship; he even lived in Reynolds’ property for 12 years. It was this friendship that allowed Needham to transition seamlessly from stuntman to director.

The chances are that if, like me, you enjoyed a Burt Reynolds film during the seventies, Needham was the director. His first effort, for which he also wrote the screenplay, was made with the encouragement and talent of his dear friend. The film was an instant smash hit, more 26

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than recouping the very modest $3.3 million outlay and the extra $1 million that was Reynolds’ standard fee for a film. The name of the film?

Smokey and the Bandit.

Needham had originally hoped to make the film as a more modest B movie costing just $1 million, with his friend Jerry Reed as Bo “Bandit” Darville. However, after showing the script to Reynolds, the part was destined to become synonymous with the blue‐eyed headliner, with Reed playing truck‐driving sidekick Cledus “Snowman” Snow.

IT IS INCREDIBLY FUNNY AND WAS A HUGE BOX OFFICE SUCCESS AS A RESULT. Anchored around Reynolds, other big names were attracted to the film.

Each proved to be shrewd casting, none more so than the dogged policeman in pursuit of the eponymous Bandit, Sheriff Buford T Justice, played by an excellent Jackie Gleason. Gleason was pretty much given a free rein to ad‐lib as much of his dialogue and the results are sidesplittingly funny; none more so

than the interaction between Justice and his muscular yet dim‐witted son Junior, played by Mike Henry of Tarzan fame.

The premise of the film is very simple, but thanks to the interplay between the characters it is incredibly funny and was a huge box office success as a result. The Bandit is hired by scheming father and son team, the Burdettes (Pat McCormick and Paul Williams), to run an illicit shipment of Coors beer across America without being caught by the police.

The Bandit, resplendent in a Pontiac Firebird Trans Am and accompanied by Frog (Sally Field), acts a diversionary ‘blocker’ to enable his friend Snowman to haul the cargo in his truck unmolested.

In addition to the acerbic dialogue, the film is peppered with prolific use of ‘CB slang’ (developed by users of citizens’ band radio), which adds to the film’s originality and attraction. It became the fourth‐ highest grossing film of 1977, the year of Star Wars, Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Saturday Night Fever. To finish fourth behind such high‐profile films is an indication of the film’s significance.

Following the old axiom of ‘why change a winning formula?’, Needham followed the film up with

Smokey and the Bandit

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CULTURE four more successful Burt Reynolds vehicles: Hooper, The Cannonball Run, Stroker Ace and Smokey and the Bandit II. Sonny Hooper’s character was essentially a fictionalised version of Needham, with Reynolds taking the role in a film that pays tribute to the unsung heroes of the film industry.

Veteran stuntman Hooper – the highest‐paid in the business and billed as the ‘Greatest Stuntman in the World’ – is the double for actor Adam West.

Reynolds is joined by Fields and Jan Michael Vincent, and fellow movie geeks can enjoy the first appearance of former quarterback Terry Bradshaw in Needham’s films and also a scene with Reynolds and Vincent watching Reynolds film Deliverance. However, while it reached the top ten at the box office, the film was considered a disappointment after the huge success of Smokey. And yes, the film features a black Pontiac Firebird.

Needham chose to bounce back in grand style with an epic, gasoline‐ fuelled, star‐studded film called The Cannonball Run, which depicted an illegal road race across America.

Reynolds again enjoyed top billing and was joined by an amazing cast including Roger Moore, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr, Jack Elam,

Dom DeLuise, Terry Bradshaw and country singer Mel Tillis.

The actors either play lampooned caricatures of themselves or their screen personas. Moore is a deluded Jewish playboy called Seymour Goldfarb, who believes he is Roger Moore, complete with a Bond Aston Martin. Dean Martin plays a washed up former race driver, accompanied by Davis as a chronic gambler, both of whom are disguised as Catholic priests in a flame red Ferrari. DeLuise, who drives a souped‐up ambulance, plays Reynolds’ schizophrenic sidekick. He is accompanied by a wild‐eyed Jack Elam and their ‘patient’, Farrah Fawcett.

I DEARLY HOPE THERE ARE PONTIAC FIREBIRD TRANS AMS IN THE AFTERLIFE. This is possibly my favourite Needham film, and it is an utter, side‐splitting joy to watch with its relentless self‐parodies and slapstick humour. My favourite scenes revolve around the Martin and Davis duo.

Two priests in a red Ferrari? Well, they’re doing the work of the Lord,

and in a Ferrari they can do it even faster! I also love the scenes in which Roger Moore really hams up his faux Bond persona.

Although the trademark Pontiac is missing, there is a passing reference from Reynolds (“What about a black Trans Am? No, that’s been done.”). It’s a real shame that Needham felt the need to attempt an inferior sequel that became a rehash of the original and sadly provided the last ever screen appearance for Dean Martin.

Stroker Ace is a typical Needham comedy action film about a veteran racing driver (Reynolds) at the end of his career. Although not awful, it certainly isn’t the best of the Reynolds‐Needham partnership, but perhaps it testifies of Reynolds’ loyalty to his friend that he chose this role over that of Garrett Breedlove in Terms of Endearment, a role that gained Jack Nicholson an Academy Award. Stroker Ace lampoons the perils and manipulation of corporate sponsorship and image protection within sports, and in this respect it was many years ahead of its time.

I don’t know if Hal Needham was a Christian, but I dearly hope there are Pontiac Firebird Trans Ams in the afterlife, just for Hal. n

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CULTURE

BOOKS

Apollo 13 Manual: An Engineering Insight into How NASA Saved the Crew of the Crippled Moon Mission

With Mark Anderson

by David Baker

To Boldly Go

JJJJJ

Book Your Trip Cross Roads

by William Paul Young Cross Roads is the latest book by William P Young, who blazed onto the book scene with The Shack in 2007.

Cross Roads will divide some people, but at its heart is a story that reveals God as an approachable heavenly father. The protagonist, a multimillionaire called Anthony Spencer, is trapped in a surreal world after being put into a coma following an accident. Life’s questions are thrown at the reader with laughter, tears and plenty of deep thought.

Blue Dahlia, Black Gold: A Journey into Angola

JJJJJ

JJJJJ

To Boldly Go

by Eric Delve Alice Cooper reportedly said: “Drinking beer is easy. Trashing your hotel room is easy. But being a Christian? That’s a tough call. That’s rebellion.” How about boldly going on a journey with Eric Delve? Eric explains that the people described in the Bible are not just storybook characters. Samson, for example, was a leader who struggled with insecurity, approval and identity; which most of us can probably identify with. Eric shows that while society may change, God does not.

Blue Dahlia, Black Gold: A Journey into Angola

by Daniel Metcalfe Angola is rich in nature and diverse in character. Daniel Metcalfe

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describes the country in great detail as he travels through it and explores its unique qualities. Daniel maps the nation’s history right from its humble beginnings, through Portuguese colonial ownership and its involvement in horrific civil war.

He also meets many interesting people during his expedition, whom readers cannot help but warm to. Be transported by this compelling and inspiring book.

Music

JJJJJ

Music published by Dorling Kindersley If you love music or know anyone that does, you must grab this book!

It provides a full history of music from its modest early development to the many genres that populate the world today. This chunky textbook of knowledge is hard to put down, with gorgeous glossy pictures and facts galore. Music will be music to your eyes as well as your ears.

Apollo 13 Manual

JJJJJ

During a recent family holiday to the US in April, I visited the Kennedy Space Centre in Florida. I had been to the States before, but had never made it to the Space Centre. However, my wife Lisa had and mentioned it regularly, much to my annoyance!

As we drove from Clearwater, my expectations were fairly low as I believed the world had taken a step back since decommissioning the Space Shuttle programme and thought it would either be a relic site or a monument to the past.

How wrong I was! Space flight has always interested me and once through the gates I was in awe of what humans had achieved just a short period of time earlier. The space race may have been dominated by political viewpoints, but seeing these rockets up close was more than amazing.

One story intrigued me more than most. Made famous by Tom Hanks film Apollo 13, the craft exploded mid‐flight, causing the mission to be abandoned. The new goal was to get these men home alive. Amazingly, we now have technology in our phones that is more powerful than the technology used throughout the Apollo missions!

Dr David Baker was in mission control during the flight and is more qualified than most to discuss the subject. This manual explains in phenomenal detail how these three astronauts made it home alive. With high levels of carbon dioxide threatening to poison them, scientists back on earth had to devise a plan to filter the air so that they would not suffocate.

Many on earth were praying for these men during those fateful days in 1970, and this book is a great tribute to the men on board and to the team that got them home. n Mark was born in Belfast and developed a book and football obsession at a young age.

He and wife Lisa belong to Fishgate, a church plant in Newtownabbey. Read Mark’s musings at overtakenheart.blogspot.co.uk.

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CULTURE

MUSIC

With Sue Rinaldi

Ready for Love or Better off Dead?

James Blake Overgrown

Elton John The Diving Board Any discussion about musical legends will undoubtedly include this boy from Pinner. With more than 30 albums, innumerable chart success, movie soundtracks, theatre scores, Grammy Awards and many other accolades under his belt, Sir Elton has indeed made his mark. And not one of the pencil variety I must add – thin and easily erased – but a massive, thick, distinct paintbrush of a mark that will endure. So now that our favourite ‘rocket man’ has taken up diving… will he make a big splash or come up with a belly flop?

On one hand, the instrumentation is a fresh departure from his usual full‐band sound and is more moody than formulaic, more folk than rock. It is very piano‐oriented and often intimate. The songs simmer at around ballad speed, apart from “Take This Dirty Water” and “Mexican Vacation”, which venture into boogie‐blues territory, providing a welcome upbeat vibe.

On the other hand, apart from the instrumental “Dream” trilogy, which emerges strong and tasteful with piano riffs throughout, the songs sound laboured and his voice is a little taxing. Writing companion Bernie Taupin delivers his customary storyboard rhetoric and, although clever, fails to truly engage the listener, perhaps due to a lack of relevance or emotional dearth.

Elton may still be standing, but “Sorry, I didn’t like it much” seem to be the hardest words to say!

The genius of James Blake lies in the enchanted way he opens the door into a dubstep splendour‐land of mesmeric beats and ethereal sounds. Once over the threshold, there is no going back!

With a vocal tone resembling a countertenor, Blake brings a slice of baroque to the electronica plate as he deftly delivers imaginative and meaningful lyrics. Producer, remixer and musician, the inimitable Blake thoroughly deserves his prestigious Mercury Award.

Elton John The Diving Board

Paul Bell Small Town Boy This rising singer‐songwriter is a shrewd observer of life and succeeds in drawing you into his world of hopes, mysteries and memories.

Bell’s fourth album stays true to his acoustic folk roots and storytelling flair and, combined with a few fresh instrumental flavours, has managed to produce his best work to date.

“Four” raises a smile, “In Our Hands” offers an angle on the kind of love to aspire to and “Bend” shows he can rustle up a good tune. n

Lecrae Church Clothes, Volume 2

Sue Rinaldi travels internationally as a concert artist, worship co‐ordinator, speaker and creative consultant. A self‐confessed info junkie and movie enthusiast, her interest in culture, justice, technology and the future fuels her living and writing (www.suerinaldi.net).

James Blake

Lecrae

Overgrown

Church Clothes, Volume 2 Stepping into the hip hop ring with the audacity of a prizefighter is Grammy Award‐winning Lecrae. He pulls no punches as he twists and turns with a heavyweight of skill and faith, becoming one of iTunes’ top downloads in the process.

Brilliant production, interesting arrangements and original songs assure mainstream victory, but it’s the credible way Lecrae tackles current issues and the reality of God in his life that really causes him to triumph.

Paul Bell Small Town Boy

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LIFESTYLE

TIM BARNES-CLAY

Cars

CARS Careering Along in the Carrera 4

W

hen your three‐year‐old son begs you to go for another ride in “Daddy’s racing car” – and you oblige every time – you know the motor sitting on your drive is a true ‘big boy’s toy’.

Without a doubt, Porsche stirs up childhood memories for me. I had handfuls of Corgi and Dinky cars, and the Porsche models were always the ones I cherished the most. I even had a Porsche police car as part of my Race and Chase game; a dodgy imitation of the far superior Scalextric slot car set.

The 911, in particular, seems to have an effect on everyone, including my little lad. Why is

this? Well, I reckon it’s the classic coupe shape and the pure ‘racing car’ yowl the rear‐engined beast makes when it comes alive. It’s an iconic sports car, simple as that.

Indeed, for five decades the 911 has been the centrepiece of the Porsche brand. Few other cars on the planet can look back on such a long tradition and such continuity as the Porsche 911. It has excited car enthusiasts the world over since its 901 model debut at the IAA International Automotive Show in September 1963.

More than 820,000 Porsche 911s have since been built, making it the most triumphant sports car in the world. For each of its seven generations, the engineers in its home country

of Germany have reinvented it time and time again, demonstrating to the world the groundbreaking power of the Porsche marque.

In addition to its classic yet unique lines, the Porsche 911 has always been distinguished by its advanced technology. Many of the ideas and technologies that made their debut in the Porsche 911 were conceived on the race track.

The 911 was committed to the performance principle from the start, and motor racing is its most important test lab.

From the very beginning it has been at home on circuits all over the globe, earning itself a great reputation as a multitalented and dependable winner. Indeed, a good two‐thirds of the 30,000 race victories achieved by f

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LIFESTYLE Porsche to‐date were notched up by the 911.

The 911 certainly brings together apparent contradictions like no other motor, such as sportiness and everyday practicality; tradition and innovation; exclusivity and social acceptance; design and functionality. It is no wonder that each generation has written its own personal success story.

So, even though I can’t afford one now I’m all grown up with kids of my own, I never pass up the opportunity to borrow a Porsche. Trying out the latest 911 Carrera 4 during the model’s 50th anniversary year just had to be done.

The latest Carrera 4 builds upon the automotive fairy tale further by providing all‐ wheel drive. The four‐by‐four grip is supplied via wizardry known as Porsche Traction Management (PTM). This distributes power precisely to the front and rear axles as road and driving conditions change, making for a thrilling and responsive, yet fantastically stable, drive.

Unbelievably, despite the shot of adrenaline the 911 Carrera 4 gives you every time you go out for a spin, it doesn’t gobble up fuel. On a British road trip from the Midlands to East Anglia I averaged 30mpg. That isn’t bad when you consider a 3.4 litre lump has been shoehorned into the car.

Behind the wheel, that powerhouse enables magic to happen every time you touch the throttle pedal. Fuel is injected fractions of a second prior to combustion, the engine responding spontaneously to even the slightest movement of your right foot. This isn’t only the case when accelerating, but also when lifting off. The seven‐speed manual transmission adds to the entertainment mix.

Its slick action soon makes it seem entirely natural to shift all the way up to that seventh cog on the straights.

As for looks, well I’ve touched a little on those already. The shape of the 911 is the ‘meat in the sandwich’. Aside from brute force, it’s why you buy the car. So, subtlety is what the present Carrera 4 is all about. Look closely

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Pros and cons Iconic looks 3 Rapid 3 Grip 3 Fuel economy 3 Expensive options list 7

Fast facts Max speed: 177 mph 0-62 mph: 4.9 secs Combined mpg: 30.4 Engine: 3436 cc, 6 cylinders, 24 valve, petrol Max power (bhp): 345 at 7400 rpm Max torque (Ib/ft): 288 at 5600 rpm CO2: 219 g/km Price: £77,924 on the road

enough and you’ll see modifications to the nose and tail as well as the more overt use of lighting technology, with bi‐xenon headlights and gorgeous, sparkly, LED daytime driving lights fitted as standard.

The 911 Carrera 4 is also wider across the rear wheel arches than its two‐wheel drive sibling.

And further definition is added courtesy of a reflective trim that spans the width between the striking LED rear lights.

The contemporary Porsche 911 Carrera 4 is priced from £77,924, but you could end up spending thousands more on all the optional packages that are available.

Rest assured, though, your pricey pride and joy won’t go missing very easily. Fitted to every 911 is a Porsche Vehicle Tracking System (VTS): a sophisticated vehicle security package approved to Thatcham Category 5 standard.

Can’t be bad, eh? n Tim is an experienced motoring writer with a background in radio and TV journalism. He puts his pedal to the metal each issue with his must‐read car reviews. Visit www.carwriteups.co.uk for more information and follow on Twitter: @carwriteups.

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LIFESTYLE

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LIFESTYLE

SIX OF THE BEST Feel the Power

According to the AA, a third of men aged 25 and under don’t know how to change a light bulb! The company is encouraging older men to pass on their ‘DIY dad skills’ before they die out altogether.

We’ve put together a selection of power tools to help you pass on your expertise. So don’t tool around, tool up!

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Dremel 4200 The Dremel 4200-4/75 is the world’s first multi-tool with an EZchange system, allowing you to switch accessories at super speed. This 4200 kit includes 75 Dremel accessories and four attachments: the Cutting Guide, Line & Circle Cutter, Shaping Platform and Comfort Guard, plus a sturdy carry case.

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Gun Power Screwdriver This rechargeable power tool is just like a regular electric screwdriver, only significantly more macho. It even turns on an LED light every time you pull the trigger, so add it to your tool belt and get cracking on those shelves. The Gun Power Screwdriver is the ultimate screwdriver for the DIY-loving man’s man.

RRP £29.99 www.glow.co.uk RRP £139.99 www.dremel-direct.com

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Makita Drill Drive The Makita 6391DWPE Drill Driver is not for the fainthearted with its full forward and reverse action plus variable speed control and two gear ratios. It offers an electronic brake, maximum torque of 42Nm, 13mm keyless chuck and even a handy carrying case. You know the drill.

RRP around £120 www.powertoolsuk.co.uk

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Bosch GBH36V-LiCP Drill Compact, lightweight and as powerful as a corded drill, the brushless Bosch EC motor and ECP battery-overload protection make it virtually maintenance-free and capable of drilling up to 100 holes per battery charge (6x40mm in concrete). It comes with an eight-piece accessory kit, auxiliary handle and tough carry case.

RRP £349.99

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www.screwfix.com

DeWalt DC100KA-GB Cordless Combi Drill DeWalt has been designing, engineering and building tough industrial machinery for almost 80 years and you can’t really go wrong with this powerful Combi for hammer drilling, drilling and screwdriving applications. It comes with a neat carry case, a one-hour charger and two batteries. You can’t really pick holes in that.

RRP £99.99 www.screwfix.com

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Titan TTB280DRH Breaker With its powerful chipping action, this Titan breaker will pretty much pay for itself the first time you use it. It breaks up concrete like a hot knife through butter and comes complete with carry case as well as one flat point chisel. It’s your lucky break…er.

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LIFESTYLE

TOP GEAR

The greatest gear, gadgets and gizmos we could find biOrbAIR Ever fancied having your own fully automated ‘terrarium’ that creates the perfect microclimate for growing tropical plants? Well, it’s finally here. This microclimate replicates natural conditions under a tropical forest canopy, enabling many species of plants, including orchids, to thrive as nature intended.

RRP £349.96 www.biorb.co.uk

SuperFast Thermapen Once you know some simple temperature rules, for example that poultry is safely cooked at 75˚C or that a medium-rare steak is perfect at 65˚C, you’ll never overcook or undercook a roast, barbecued food or steak again. The Thermapen’s fine, stainless steel, foldaway probe allows you to check temperatures in under three seconds without damaging the appearance of your food. It’s the perfect kitchen gift for the gadget-mad man who seems to have it all.

RRP £57.60 www.thermapen.co.uk

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TOP BUY

Jabra Tag The Jabra Tag is a classy Bluetooth stereo headset that incorporates FM radio. Featuring a unique dog tag design, it allows you to control your music and phone calls wherever you are. The ability to skip tracks and take calls wirelessly will help keep in touch while you’re on the move. Tag, you’re it!

RRP £59.99 www.amazon.co.uk

KitSound Ignite Wireless Speaker As well as being compatible with Apple, Android and Windows devices via Bluetooth, the KS Ignite features line-in connectivity, so it will also work with almost any mobile phone, computer, tablet or MP3 player. Thanks to its two 40mm full-range drivers, passive bass radiator and digital sound processing, this attractive Bluetooth speaker, which comes in either black and white, sounds just as good as it looks.

RRP £99.99 www.kitsound.co.uk

Boot Camp Diet

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Gone are the days of frozen diet delivery food that tastes like the cardboard it’s wrapped in. These recipes have been perfected by top chefs whose passion for flavour ensures that they live up to high culinary standards, while also providing balanced nutritious meals that are delivered straight to your door.

RRP from £79 a week www.bootcampdiet.co.uk

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LIFESTYLE

Lego Grand Prix Racer This two-in-one Lego Technic model is crammed full of realistic details and functions, for example an opening engine cover, independent all-wheel suspension, V8 engine with moving pistons, adjustable rear spoiler and steering capabilities. Motorise it with the 8293 Lego Power Functions Motor Set (sold separately) for even more supercharged fun. It also rebuilds into a superb Race Truck, so get ready to burn some rubber.

RRP £79.99 www.shop.lego.com

Spineless Classics Imagine a whole book on a single sheet of paper; a bold art print on which, up close, you can read the full and complete text of your favourite classic work, right from “It was the best of times” to “a far, far greater thing”. Check out the full Spineless poster catalogue, which now includes The King James Bible.

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TOP BUY

RRP from £34.99 www.spinelessclassics.com

My Funky Lockers

Sistema Porridge To Go Pot

This new and exciting UK brand makes bright, fresh, colourful lockers that look sensational anywhere in the home, office or garage. The new footie range includes Celtic, Liverpool and Manchester United branding, making them a perfect gift for that football-mad fan in the family.

RRP £89.99-£189.99 www.myfunkylocker.com

Porridge to Go is a colourful cereal bowl with a seal-tight lid, which is secured with four ‘klip it’ clips. Simply add oats and milk, remembering to click open the steam vents contained in the clips before microwaving. Pop it into the office microwave for a few minutes and “ping”, your effortlessly warming and healthy breakfast will have you back at your desk in no time.

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TOP BUY

RRP £5.99 www.amazon.co.uk

KitSound Ovation You won’t be able to tell from its sleek appearance, but this Bluetooth sound bar uses clever audio processing to create virtual surround sound that’s so impressive you’ll no longer need those space-swallowing multiple speakers in your lounge. You can connect wirelessly via Bluetooth from up to ten metres away, so this versatile speaker is compatible with most mobile phones, computers, tablets and MP3 players as well as televisions, set top boxes, DVD or Blu-ray players, and games consoles.

RRP £149.99. www.kitsound.co.uk

KleverCase Disguise your Kindle e-reader with a range of classic, handmade bookcase Kindle covers. Choose from titles such as Great Expectations, Sherlock Holmes, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Great Gatsby, Dracula and many more. This is the perfect gift for book and gadget lovers alike, with a bit of English bookbinding heritage thrown in.

RRP £28 www.klevercase.co.uk Sorted. Jan/Feb 2014

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LIFESTYLE

PAUL HURST

Gadget Geek Power Struggle

BY PAUL HURST

T

here’s one drawback when it comes to owning the latest technology: people who call you rotten for it (before promptly rushing out to buy exactly the same piece of kit) are always asking tech questions like: “How do

I do this?” or “Why is it running so slowly?” or “Is it supposed to break up into three pieces?”

This time round I’m going to help you with two questions I continually get asked. Both are to do with power.

Mobile devices may be limited in size, but they have become very powerful. The

Apple

Android With the Android OS, the best way to save power is to fully exit any apps you aren’t using. Check the ‘battery use’ option to see where the energy is going and make adjustments where possible. Also be aware that some apps use more energy than others. Apps that push your device graphically are often the culprits for battery woes, and leaving them running in

the background is a cardinal sin.

Secondly, If you’re running low on power and you need the phone to last for that all-important call, consider the ‘use only 2G networks’ option in your mobile network settings. The 2G chipset uses much less power than 3G and even more power is saved as your device isn’t constantly trying to maintain the fastest connection

Have you got a tech question that you would like answered?

Email gadgetgeek@sorted-magazine.com and it may feature in an upcoming edition. Before you do so, is it plugged in and have you tried switching it off and on again? You’ll be amazed how many times these simple pieces of advice solve the most complex technical troubles!

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drawback to such capability is that they need more energy to make them work. Although chip technology continues to improve at a startling rate, battery tech hasn’t, so that’s why our devices are packing in more features and ‘packing in’ more often!

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You can try closing down apps again, although the saving will be much more limited because of the way iOS works. Instead, you’re going to need to be more proactive with the use of screen brightness, Bluetooth, Wi-Fi and other location services. You should also make sure that you aren’t using your device as a mobile hotspot. Finally, consider changing your mail settings to ‘fetch’ rather than ‘push’. That way your phone won’t try to search your email inboxes as

much, which will help with battery life.

Lots of the Apple tips work for Android too. Things like screen brightness and Bluetooth/Wi-Fi settings should dramatically improve your usage but, as with anything, the older your device gets, the less efficient it will become. In most cases, Android users can easily swap older batteries (sometimes even for higher capacity ones), so if upgrading isn’t an option this might be worth considering.

Owning most pieces of modern technology ever invented (from the late '80s onwards, at least), the Gadget Geek Paul Hurst should have been one of the richest men on the planet.

Instead, he is incredibly well organised, always knows the exact time and can watch video and listen to music just about anywhere.

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LIFESTYLE

PETER HORNE

60 Second Life Coach

New Year’s Revolution

I

n the previous issue of Sorted, I wrote about a dramatic change I’d made to my working life by leaving my job of 27 years and becoming self‐employed.

Five weeks later, my mind and body haven’t quite caught up with the adjustment and I’m still waking up at five in the morning as though I’ll be getting up to leave for work. But the great thing is, I’m no longer just talking about my plans. I finally succeeded in taking some action, much to the surprise of my friends and myself!

As you’re reading this at the start of another New Year, you may have plans and intentions, and now could be the time to implement them.

Common targets for change at the beginning of a New Year include giving up smoking, eating more healthily, losing weight, taking more exercise, improving time management, reducing debt or making a career change.

But New Year’s resolutions frequently end in disappointment and failure unless they are supplemented by a few choice ingredients to bolster the chance of success. Media reports last year suggested that a high proportion of people give up their New Year’s resolutions just nine days after they were made. So if you’re interested in a revolution rather than a flash‐in‐ the‐pan resolution, here are a few ideas that could you help make lasting change.

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Give yourself a small reward whenever you achieve a small part of your goal. Small rewards when you take little steps forward can help you stay motivated and maintain a sense of progress towards the bigger goal.

1

Keep focusing on the benefits you’ll receive. In 2006, the Economic and Social Research Council identified that long‐lasting change is most likely to occur if it is rooted in positive thinking rather than inspired by guilt, fear or the notion that change should be introduced just because it’s New Year.

Remember the adage “what you focus on is what you grow” and regularly remind yourself of the benefits associated with achieving your goals by creating a checklist of how life will be better once you achieve your objective.

2

Tell your friends and family about your goal. Informing others of your plan is likely to increase support and help you to stay on track. The US Olympic ski team used group support and the provision of positive feedback in 2006 and reported a noticeable improvement in their performance as a result.

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Will power alone probably won’t be enough to achieve your goal. When you try to change a habit with will power alone, the odds are against you. Rather than try to make a dramatic change within a short space of time, another possibility is to look for a way to introduce change by stealth. If you make very small daily changes over several months, this will help you to slowly build new habits so that they are more likely to stick.

WILL POWER ALONE PROBABLY WON’T BE ENOUGH TO ACHIEVE YOUR GOAL. And finally, remember that if you have a relapse it’s okay to reframe this and to treat it as a temporary setback rather than a catastrophic failure. n Peter Horne is a qualified life coach with a passion for helping people change things in their lives when they feel stuck. He works with individuals and organisations, and can be contacted at enquiries@therealyou.eu. Peter is married with four children and attends St Peter’s Church in Brighton.

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Advertising Sales: Duncan Williams, Tel: 07960 829615

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ANDI PETERS

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No Business Like Show Business

ANDI PETERS

If you were born during or before the 1980s, you’ll be familiar with Andi Peters’ work. Whether he was crammed into the Broom Cupboard with Edd the Duck or presenting Live & Kicking alongside the lovely Emma Forbes, he was a favourite with most children and young adults back in the day.

BY JOY TIBBS

A face for telly

ith arguably the best smile and most recognisable face in telly, it is unsurprising that Andi has gone on to do even greater things – both in front of camera and behind the scenes – and is always ready to take on a new challenge.

Andi got into television almost by accident. Working for a radio station within Oxford Circus’ huge Topshop store every Saturday, his show was overheard by a TV producer who happened to be browsing the rails.

Finding the show amusing, she passed on her details and the rest, as they say, is history. While he started off in children’s television “by default”, it seemed as though these early roles were made for him.

By this point, Andi was getting recognised everywhere he went, but he still remembers the first time he was spotted by a member of public. He had driven to Chessington World of Adventures for a day of fun with his friends at the age of 18 or 19. He shares: “The parking attendant there said: ‘You should be rich because you’re on TV. I thought you’d have a better car than that!’” It seems even the most popular children’s presenters came in for some harsh criticism from time to time.

Fortunately, Andi took this firmly on the chin and 25 years after starting out in TV, he is still going strong, having added a considerable number of arrows to his bow. In fact, his CV is so jam‐packed it’s impossible to mention every show and project he has worked on in an article of this length. f

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“IT WAS ONE OF THE BEST SHOWS YOU COULD WORK ON. IT WAS LIKE GOING TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY EVERY FRIDAY AND SATURDAY.” I couldn’t resist asking whether he enjoyed working with the most popular mallard on British TV during the early nineties. “Edd was an awesome co‐presenter,” says Andy, “because whenever he argued with me I pretended I didn’t understand what he was saying, so I could always win!”

However, poor Edd could never compete with Emma Forbes, Andi’s co‐presenter on iconic children’s show Live & Kicking. The pair enjoyed two happy series in the prime time Saturday slot and Andi remembers it with great fondness. “Live & Kicking was amazing,” he recalls.

“Still to this day it was one of the best children’s shows you could work on. It was like going to a birthday party every Friday and Saturday; I loved every minute of it.”

And he had plenty of praise for his co‐host, too.

“Emma Forbes is the best person in the world to work with. She’s the most generous person you could ever wish to work with,” he claims. I hope none of his other co‐presenters are reading (he said nice things about you, too, honest!).

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ANDI PETERS

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ANDI PETERS Some of the other notable shows he has appeared on include Short Change, Children in Need, Rich and Famous and City Hospital. He presented the Smash Hits Awards three years in a row and was voted Top Personality on TV two consecutive years. And his Andi Meets… series saw him carry out insightful interviews with a host of stars including Mariah Carey, Gary Barlow, Britney Spears and Ricky Martin. The show even led to him playing a cameo role in Toy Story 2, a voiceover part that not everyone knows about.

And that’s not all, as he’s a pretty talented producer to boot. Andi has produced a wide range of shows including The O Zone, Gladiators: Train 2 Win, An Audience with the Spice Girls and An Audience with Kylie.

He was responsible for creating teen entertainment slot T4 and was the executive producer on Channel 4 drama As If. As executive producer at Top of the Pops, he was tasked with reinventing the show, “which I think we did,” he says. And apart from that he has provided media training to the Spice Girls, Westlife and JLS and has also had a pretty successful career in radio over the years.

Back to reality This leads on to a question about his involvement in “several” reality and quiz shows in recent years. He corrects me on this, pointing out that he has actually only been involved in two reality shows, although Wikipedia – the fount of all knowledge – lists at least five if you include Celebrity It’s a Knockout, The Million Pound Drop Live and The Big Reunion.

Perhaps he has blanked these out of his memory in favour of shows that led to greater things: namely Dancing on Ice and Celebrity MasterChef. Andi points out that there is far more value in shows like this than many others on TV these days. “With both shows I learnt a skill,” he explains. “I feel very lucky to have learnt how to ice skate and to be a better cook.”

Despite being eliminated from Dancing on Ice during the first series in 2006, he went on to present Dancing on Ice Extra every weekday alongside fellow former contestant Andrea McLean and has since hosted five seasons of the Torvill and Dean & the Dancing on Ice Tour. He narrowly missed out on winning Celebrity MasterChef in 2008 and continues to host The Good Food Show, proving that he can handle the heat of the kitchen as well as the cold of the rink.

Furthermore, working on the popular ice skating series inadvertently brought about a new line of business for the young presenter: “I broke my ankle when I was on Dancing on Ice and Men’s Health contacted me and asked me, ‘Would you like us to help you get fit?’”

Having previously been a gym goer, Andi had always been keen to stay in shape, but he admits that he would go, put in the minimal amount of effort and then leave at the earliest opportunity.

“MOST BLOKES WANT ABS, AND ABS ARE MADE IN THE KITCHEN, NOT IN THE GYM.” But this was about to change. “Once I started seeing the results, it really did drive me,” he admits. He now works out for an hour most days – four or five days a week, depending on his workload – and the results are clear.

The once slender presenter is now incredibly muscular and toned. Asked what his top fitness tip is for men, he reveals: “Most blokes want abs, and abs are made in the kitchen, not in the gym.”

After appearing on the cover of Men’s Health in 2007, Andi realised that there was a gap in the market for a fitness model agency. He promptly set up Andi Peters’ Models (APM) to bridge that gap. The agency supplies models for a range of fashion brands including Abercrombie & Fitch and Calvin Klein. According to Andi, it is going very well. “It’s only small, because it’s about quality not quantity, but one of the guys has appeared in Men’s Health six times; it’s all about personality. It more or less runs itself.”

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Off the set So what does he like to do when he’s not in front of camera or behind it calling the shots? Well, he enjoys sitting in front of the screen. “I love watching television,” he explains. “People always go, ‘Oh really?’ because I spend my life working in television, but I love watching drama. We make great drama in this country and it’s a way for me to escape. I don’t do enough relaxing.”

Andi is also a committed Christian, and when work allows he attends a well‐known church in the Brompton area. He claims that his faith makes a big difference in the way he lives his life. “I think everyone has the right to their own beliefs, I’ve never been one to push my own beliefs on people,” he says.

“I’ve always been a churchgoer and I go when I can, but it’s very hard because I work a lot, so it doesn’t necessarily mean Sunday is a day of rest. But it’s like pressing the reset button. Get me on Monday and I’m really nice. Get me on a Saturday evening, oh dear!”

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MALAWI FATHERS

FIGHTING BACK AGAINST HIV

BY GARY BROUGH

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MMS International is working with the Mzenga community in northern Malawi to stop the spread of HIV. It has joined forces with the Livingstonia Synod AIDS Program (LISAP) to deliver the Mziche project, a community窶人ed response to a disease that is crippling the development of nations across Africa and beyond.

Konica Kamanga is 38 years old. He lives in Lweya village in Mzenga with his wife and two daughters. He was taking a short break from building his own house when we met him outside his current home: a Spartan, clay brick building containing two small rooms.

Malawi is a landlocked Southern African nation, which celebrated 50 years of independence from British colonial rule this year. While taking great strides forward in its independence, it continues to struggle to meet the needs of its population of 13 million.

As in many countries, the HIV epidemic is a crippling burden. Resources are stretched and a lack of general healthcare and education, along with a need for investment in infrastructure, leaves many people bereft of opportunities.

The Mzenga community is in the north of the country within the Nkhata Bay district. Despite being close to Lake Malawi, which attracts local tourism and market traders, it is still remote from essential healthcare.

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MALAWI FATHERS Lweya is one of a handful of villages and is joined by dirt track roads to other villages within the Mzenga community. The more remote parts of the area can only be reached on foot; three or four hours’ walk from the point at which the roads become impassable.

“My family, we are ok,” Konica told us. “When it comes to HIV, we are not ok. We are HIV positive.” Konica is the only one left in his family. AIDS has taken his father, mother, brothers and sisters.

He and his wife are both living with HIV, and they are not alone. In Mzenga, more than 11% of people are HIV positive. That’s above the national average for Malawi, which has one of the world’s highest rates of prevalence.

“IF MEN ARE SICK, WHO WILL REPAIR THE SCHOOL ROOF? WHO WILL BUILD THE CHURCH? WHO WILL BE THERE FOR THE COMMUNITY?” We have become all too familiar with HIV as part of our global community. We know that HIV can hide for long periods in the cells of the body and that it attacks a key part of the immune system: the T cells or CD4 cells. The body has to have these cells to fight infection and disease, but HIV invades them, uses them to make more copies of itself and then destroys them.

Over time, HIV can destroy so many of your CD4 cells that your body can’t fight infection and disease anymore.

When that happens, HIV infection can lead to AIDS. Those with AIDS require medical intervention and treatment to prevent death.

HIV robs the body of its ability to defend itself against opportunistic infections. At the same time, it robs families and communities of their defences too. Konica explains: “If men are sick, who will repair the school roof? Who will build the church? Who will be there for the community?”

The Mzenga community is tightly knit, and it relies upon everyone playing their part. For men like Konica, that literally means keeping the village standing; being healthy and strong enough to labour and toil on behalf of the community.

Amazingly, Konica’s two daughters are not HIV positive. Simple interventions during pregnancy can prevent a mother from passing the virus to her children at birth, and thankfully Konica’s daughters benefited from these. However, this is not the case for a large number, and many children are needlessly born with HIV. At present, an estimated 180,000 children are living with HIV in Malawi, according to UNAIDS. One of the first steps in preventing the spread of HIV is testing and awareness of the individual’s HIV status.

Women are more regularly in touch with healthcare services, with HIV tests forming an established part of the care of pregnant women. However, this is not the case for men.

Just 5% of men currently attend clinics for HIV testing with their wives during pregnancy. Getting men involved at this stage is critical in changing mindsets about HIV in Malawi. Because it is often the mother who finds out first, some men fail to take responsibility.

Konica has to work a number of jobs to support his family. He works as a builder’s labourer, in the farming industry and as a photographer. “I was failing to go to work because I was sick. I was failing to build my business, because I was sick. Other people were not working so they could look after me.” His deteriorating health was not only affecting Konica, but also his family and friends. It was at this point that he was tested and found to be HIV positive.

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MALAWI FATHERS this and is now strong and well again.

Konica is a brave example of what is needed. He was the first man in his village to be open about his HIV status. In the face of great stigma, fear and misunderstanding about HIV, he made the brave decision to live openly in the hope that others would follow his example and get themselves tested.

Many people assume that those who are HIV positive are promiscuous and cannot be trusted. Lifestyle and cultural practices can perpetuate the spread of HIV, and the constant flow of people in this lakeside region of Malawi exacerbates the situation.

“LOOK AT MY BODY; IT DOES NOT TELL YOU I HAVE HIV. I AM STRONG.” In being open about his HIV status, Konica risked losing his livelihood, his standing in the community and his respect in church. With so much at stake it is not surprising that so many men choose not to find out whether they have HIV. It is not all about reputation, however. HIV is a terrifying diagnosis for Malawians, a country that saw an estimated 46,000 deaths due to AIDS last year, according to UNAIDS figures.

Konica’s example brings hope for his family. He can get the information and support he needs to stay healthy and to prevent any further spread of the virus. He can be there for his wife and children; to love, care for and support them.

Konica is also bringing hope to his community. He is encouraging more men to get tested. He tells them: “Look at my body; it does not tell you I have HIV. I am strong.” This is clearly true as he goes on to fetch and carry bricks, mix mortar and build a new home for him and his family.

EMMS International’s Mzenga project looks to support the community in stopping the spread of HIV. The local church is at the heart of this work, and its first task is to combat stigma.

Maria lives in a nearby area. When her family found out she was HIV positive, her uncle set fire to her house.

While things are improving, there is still a long way to go. Stigma is one of many issues that propagate the spread of HIV. Lack of access to testing centres and inadequate care for pregnant women are also issues, particularly in remote areas.

The Mziche project looks to prevent parent‐to‐child transmission of HIV and to improve the quality of life for people living with HIV. Left unchecked, HIV decimates communities, leaves children orphaned and robs parents of their children. It doesn’t have to be that way.

There are mothers living with HIV who have given birth to healthy, HIV‐free babies; fathers who are standing up for their families and going for HIV testing;

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How does it work?

The Mziche project takes a broad, community-based approach to tackling HIV. In particular it aims to: Help more HIV-positive mothers to give birth to HIV-free babies through the support of “mother buddies”. Mother buddies are HIV-positive women who have given birth to babies without HIV. Encourage more fathers to test for HIV. At present, only 5% of men are tested during pregnancy screenings with their wives.

Equip 30 local churches so that they are able to educate the community and offer practical support for people living with HIV.

and churches that are going the extra mile to combat stigma and serve their communities. There is a great deal of hope for this community if it is given the support that is so desperately needed to fight the spread of HIV. Church‐based HIV support groups provide one source of hope. Konica is a member of the Lweya congregation HIV support group. Members of these groups actively encourage one another to live healthily. Issues such as drug adherence, balanced diet and safe sex are important in living a long and full life with HIV and in stopping it from spreading.

The groups are also a place where spiritual and emotional support can be offered. Martha shares with the group: “You aren’t worried. By yourself you can become frightened and fear death, but when you come together you encourage one another and have more hope. We also get spiritual encouragement from the Bible.”

“We also grow and share food, in particular milk, so we do not have to travel too far to get the food we need. We eat together at the group,” shares Emi, who found out he was HIV positive in 2005 when he became severely ill and his weight dropped to 53kg.

The group tends a small vegetable garden and shares the produce at their meetings, and with others who are in need. A stable, accessible food supply is essential for those taking HIV medications.

Support groups are also responsible for looking after AIDS orphans. When members of the group die and leave children, the group looks after them. There are an estimated 770,000 AIDS orphans in Malawi. The burden of this disease is crippling families, villages and a nation.

Many of these orphans are also living with HIV and caring for younger siblings, so visits and food parcels from the group are essential to their survival.

Furthermore, the groups lead and take part in programmes to educate the community about HIV. They share in schools, teach churches, and go to people’s homes. They even educate people about HIV at funerals, and not just of those who died of AIDS‐related infections.

The Mziche project is working proactively through 30 churches in Malawi to stop the spread of HIV. Mziche is a local Tonga word that means “brother or sister”. Jesus tells us: “Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:40). These words encourage us to love one another in whatever way we can.

The solution to the HIV epidemic is already there.

People like Konica are willing to make a change and to educate others, but they need your help. Please pray for them, and if possible give financially so that they can continue to serve their community.

EMMS International is looking for UK churches to partner with Mzenga churches to provide the resources and prayer required to foster life without HIV. To find out more about the Mziche project and the support you can provide, visit emms.org/mziche. n

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Advertising Sales: Duncan Williams, Tel: 07960 829615

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BRUCE WILLIS

A

Laugher NOT A

Fighter Die Hard star Bruce Willis is the perfect action man, but an interview with Kim Francis reveals a preference for comedy.

BY KIM FRANCIS

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here’s a sudden clunking noise and a splashing sound. We’re on a boat drifting along the Thames and Bruce Willis looks a bit worried. “Is the boat going down? Is the boat sinking? Did you hear that?” he asks. Famed for his action hero credentials, you might expect the Die Hard star to be ready to leap into action at the slightest hint of danger.

Bruce. Willis. The very name makes you feel calm in a crisis. He’s the type of bloke teenage boys dream of being: he’s all‐action, he’s tough, he’s laidback. Ladies like him. He’s the epitome of cool, and when he walks into a room (or in this case, onto a boat) he commands attention. He’s the movie star incarnate. So ‘family man’ (alongside ‘scaredy cat‘) is the last tag you would attach to this man; a man who oozes charisma and machismo.

And yet, that’s exactly what he is.

Married until 2000 to actress Demi Moore, the couple had three children during their 13‐year marriage. When the marriage broke down, they remained on good terms and were even pictured holidaying together with their new partners. In 2009, Willis got married again, this time to 35‐year‐old British model and actress Emma Heming.

Now a new father again, he firmly believes that family is what makes the world go round. His world, at least.

“IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLY UNBEARABLE FOR ANYONE I WAS WORKING WITH IF I DIDN’T HAVE MY FAMILY WITH ME.” For Bruce, travelling the world when he’s promoting or working on movies would be a miserable existence without his nearest and dearest. “I’m fortunate in that I get to bring my family with me when I travel,” he says. “It would be impossibly unbearable for anyone I was working with if I didn’t have my family with me. I’d just be moaning about that. I have a little baby, and I’d go back and hang out with her every day.”

He’s talking specifically about the time he spent working on Red 2, the sequel to comic book adaptation Red, which is about a group of retired secret agents who reunite to seek out a missing nuclear weapon. The film also reunites a cast that includes Helen Mirren, John Malkovich, Brian Cox and Mary‐Louise Parker, alongside new additions Anthony Hopkins and Catherine Zeta Jones.

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BRUCE WILLIS This is certainly the case when it comes to making movies. When asked how he keeps his action movies fresh, he says: “Well, I don’t take it very seriously. It’s just a difficult thing. You take yourself seriously, you take the film seriously, but you’re really just trying to be entertaining. The action sequences and things like that are part of a certain kind of entertainment; not my favourite. I’d rather try to make people laugh than fight, but I have done a lot of them.”

He may well have made a lot of action movies, and it’s the genre in which he has made his name, but many of these films contain humour in some shape or form. The Die Hard franchise frequently has its tongue planted in its cheek and delivers plenty of one‐liners, while The Expendables films, Armageddon and Hudson Hawk, among others, are littered with wisecracks and knowing winks to the audience. Bruce has also made the transition to more obvious forms of comedy at various points in his career, with varying degrees of success.

Televised comedy drama series Moonlighting is the most famous example.

And there is plenty of humour to be found in Red 2, something Willis has already acknowledged. “When we did the first film it was very ambitious,” he says. “They tried to make a film that had romance, action and comedy all in the same film. I always thought that one part of it was going to have to be kicked out, but it all stayed in. So this time the writers just added more romance, more action and more comedy.”

“I DON’T DO THAT MANY STUNTS. I’D DO THE STUNTS IF I COULD, BUT I AM NOT ALLOWED TO EVER, EVER BE HURT.”

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Considering he is a man who enjoys making people laugh, it makes perfect sense that he takes a back seat these days when it comes to performing stunts. You get the impression he has naturally gravitated towards the more comedic side of his persona as a way of validating himself; he is tipping the balance in favour of the comedy that has always been present in his characters as a way of proving his worth to himself. With insurance costs for a man like Bruce Willis presumably sky high when it comes to doing his own stunts, it’s no wonder that this f

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one of the main reasons he went back for more.

“When we all got back together – I think it was just about two years in between, or a year and a half in between – when we started back to work it was as if we had just seen each other the day before,“ says Bruce.

A sure sign that great relationships were forged, the camaraderie built during the first film was still there and Willis slotted right back in. “I like to work in ensemble casts,” he continues. “I like to work with this group of actors, especially.”

He was also glad of the cast’s newcomers: “I‘m a big fan of Sir Anthony Hopkins. All we try to do all day long is just make each other laugh and hopefully that gets onto the screen, and [the audience] finds some of it funny as well. But I loved that we were always laughing.”

Good relationships are clearly important to 58‐year‐old Willis, a man who has lived a little and learned a lot. So what is his recipe for a happy relationship?

Rolling his eyes at the enormity of the question, he says: “I would have to excuse myself from trying to answer that. I don’t know what it is. I think that attention must be paid to your family and your friends and how you treat them. I don’t think there’s anything more important.”

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BRUCE WILLIS

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particular aspect of his job has been taken away from him. But that doesn’t mean he is against getting physical.

“I don’t mind being hurt. I get hurt all the time, but I get scolded if I…” he tails off. “I do let the stuntmen take over. I don’t do that many stunts. I’d do the stunts if I could, but I am not allowed to ever, ever be hurt.”

This is probably a directive that comes not only from the studio, but also from his family. However, it would be inaccurate to say that age is slowing him down and the appetite lives on. An appetite for keeping himself in trim is also still there, and he’s not ashamed to admit that vanity plays its part. “I have to think about the food I eat, and also have to think about lifting weights and barbells and things like that,” he says.

Bruce has always been interested in exercise. As a child he eschewed pastimes such as reading and collecting comic books to focus on outdoor pursuits instead. “I wasn’t a comic book guy,” he admits. “I spent most of my time outside, so there wasn’t a big connection with comics.”

Then a light goes on. He remembers he has recently made two movies that fall within a comic book franchise. He pauses. “Unless you want me to just make it up. I’m a big DC Comics fan, let me tell you. Nobody’s bigger than me.” There’s that sense of humour emerging.

Willis was born in 1955 in West Germany to a German mother and American father, and was raised in New Jersey. I stop to wonder whether he also had a penchant for singing in his youth. It’s an interest he flirted with through the 1980s, when he famously released a cover version of The Drifters’ “Under the Boardwalk”, which reached number two in the UK charts. I confess that when he first appeared on my radar as a child, I thought he was a singer.

He laughs, but he clearly thinks I’m being facetious.

Criticised in the press back then for his efforts to launch a music career, I ask Bruce whether he still has a burning desire to go for a number one. “Fortunately not,” he says.

“There are a lot of really good singers in the world, and

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I’m very happy to let them handle all the heavy lifting, the singing, really well.”

But why were there never any singing roles? He clearly enjoys – or at least used to enjoy – singing. “I just can’t stand to hear the sound of my own voice when I sing. It really is excruciating.” He is, of course, acknowledging everything that has previously been said about him and it’s understandable that the actor would be wary about putting himself in the firing line again. Hence his good humour.

“IF WE WANT TO TALK ABOUT REALLY DIFFICULT ACTING, IT WOULD BE THEATRE, BECAUSE THEATRE IS ALL LIVE AND IT’S ALL HAPPENING RIGHT AT THE SAME TIME.” It seems Bruce is content to keep concentrating on acting, and despite having done so for many years, it’s a pursuit that he continues to find challenging and fulfilling, even if the publicity side is a little wearing. He’s not concerned with diplomacy when he says: “My favourite part of making films is the actual day‐to‐day process of getting in front of the camera and trying to make it seem lifelike, trying to make it funny, trying to make it look [good].

“All of this [taking part in press junkets to promote films] is, I know, a part of films. It’s the sales; it’s the explanation of why we made the movie and how we did it. But my favourite part is actually making the movie and going to work every day.”

And if you talk to Bruce about being involved in a franchise and his motivations for revisiting a character, he says he never thinks about it in those terms: “I don’t think about creating a franchise. That task is [for the producers]. This film comes together, gets everybody together and makes sure they’re on time.”

For Bruce, the experience of making a movie is a standalone phenomenon. He removes himself from worrying about the bigger picture and concentrates on the task in hand: bringing life to the character on the page.

“The discipline of film is a specific thing,” he says, somewhat enigmatically. And it’s also something that he has down pat. Theatre acting, well, that’s another thing and it’s a vocation Willis has reverence for.

“If we want to talk about really difficult acting, it would be theatre, because theatre is all live and it’s all happening right at the same time,” he says.

Although he is known as a screen idol, Willis is no stranger to theatre. Starting out in off‐Broadway productions, he last appeared in a stage play in 1984, but he has since expressed a desire to tread the boards again.

“There’s no second take,” continues Bruce. “It creates much more fear than working in films.”

So that takes care of acting, family, relationships and arguably singing. Is there anything else in Bruce’s life that ignites his passions? Well, yes. Actually there is.

“Cars,” says Bruce. “Old cars. I like vintage cars.” His dream car, he reveals, is the Chevrolet Corvette, adding that “you can only drive them one at a time”, which is why he has not built up a collection.

And what about those Red 3 rumours? Is he set to make a return once again? Given that the cast of Red is one of his favourite ensemble casts to work with, you might expect him to emit an emphatic yes. “I’ve heard that rumour, too,” he says dryly.

Whether that ship has sailed or not remains to be seen, but it’s certainly true to say that at 58 years young and still going strong, Bruce Willis’ ship certainly isn’t sinking. n

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TWELVE24 BAND

Fourteen Hours with

TWELVE24 The band has been at the Archbishop Sentamu Academy in East Hull all week, hosted by a local team of Eden youth workers. They are the main feature of an Exploring Christianity week, which is set to culminate in a gig that night.

“Good morning, Archie! You’re all looking fresh today!” begins Ryan Griggs, 25, in his smooth American drawl.

And with this, the band gets to work, launching into the opening song from the new album: the upbeat and exuberant “What a Feeling”. The band is a tsunami of energy and positivity and the volume is set to 11. It’s 8.40am.

Spreading the word This is what Twelve24 do: the music is loud, energetic and infectious. And they are on the leading edge of mission to young people in UK schools today.

Twelve24 started in 2008 as a new missions team to schools launched by The Message Trust, a Manchester‐ based Christian ministry focused on communicating the good news of Jesus to hard‐to‐reach youth.

The Message itself began with a band, the World Wide Message Tribe, remembered today for tracks such as “Jumping in the House of God” and “The Real Thing”.

The band won Dove Awards in the US and was tipped for significant success in the global dance music market.

There was just one problem: its members knew they were called to something else. Sharing the gospel in schools was the band’s priority from the beginning and, to the bewilderment of many in the industry, the Tribe chose schools weeks over stadium tours.

BY ALISTAIR METCALFE

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t’s 7.30am on a bitterly cold October morning.

For the last half‐hour, cars have been pulling up in front of a striking steel and glass building.

A perfectly styled and coiffured pop band – two handsome guys and a petit, vivacious young woman – walk through the double security doors and into the building, attracting glances and whispered comments as they pass. Some more confident onlookers approach the trio to ask for photos and autographs.

But this building isn’t a TV studio and the band isn’t here for a promotional interview on a morning show.

This is a school, and the band, Twelve24, is arriving in time for morning assembly.

Taking the stage The members of Twelve24 have been busy. In the last month, they’ve released a brand new album and completed two schools weeks, away from the band’s home turf in Manchester. But it doesn’t show this morning.

After a moment of prayer and a brief sound check, 300 pupils in blue blazers start filing in for assembly.

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TWELVE24 BAND Josh pushes on: “We’re talking this morning about better words. Often we don’t understand the power that our words have on others. Take a look at the screen.” A short clip rolls from a projector. Everyone recognises One Direction’s Harry Styles as he shares the pain he suffered after seeing negative words about himself on the internet.

Over the next hour, Josh, Ryan and Christina skilfully emphasise the importance of speaking words that communicate love, acceptance and value. They weave in wisdom from the Bible and demonstrate the character of God with warmth and wit.

As the lesson draws to a close, Josh brings in his own personal story of how other people’s words wounded him when he was at school. It suddenly becomes evident that all of the passivity and awkwardness in the room is gone. Every eye is now trained on him.

“Today, we want to inspire you guys to speak positive words to each other,” he shares. “But also we want you to know that if you’ve had negative words spoken to you, then God’s love can completely transform the way you feel about yourself. What God says about us can completely change our hearts.”

The digital age

The Tribe disbanded in 2004, with founder Andy Hawthorne committing to invest in schools mission through new bands alongside the Message’s training programme, Genetik (now Message Academy). It was from this pool of new talent that the members of Twelve24 were handpicked.

“Our name is a reference to John 12:24, where Jesus says: ‘Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds,’” explains band member Christina Otoo‐Anakwa, 30. “In essence, that is what we and the other mission teams at the Message are: seeds of new life and hope.”

“You have to work your butt off to get them even slightly interested in Christianity,” confides Josh later at a coffeehouse not far from the school. “A cool band coming into your school just isn’t enough any more. The message has to come through our stories as well as our music.”

“It’s changed the whole way we think about what we do, actually,” adds Ryan. “We realised that we’d do a schools week and at the end of the week, unless they bought an album, we had nothing to leave the kids to help them go further. Kids might come by our Facebook page or look us up on Twitter, but we had nothing else to give them.

“We had a vision from God that it was time to build something that lasted longer than that. We can’t be in every school. We need a way to be in these kids’ lives all the time. That’s not physically possible, but it is digitally possible. Secular artists are wise to this.”

The band point to the Wanted Wednesday documentaries; short videos released each week to those on The Wanted’s mailing list. “Sixty thousand people watch them every month,” Ryan continues. “What are they talking about? Nothing. They’re going through airports! They have no message. We felt God saying: ‘I want you to do that, with your message.’” f

“A COOL BAND COMING INTO YOUR SCHOOL JUST ISN’T ENOUGH ANY MORE. THE MESSAGE HAS TO COME THROUGH OUR STORIES AS WELL AS OUR MUSIC.”

Tough crowd to please “Thank you for that cricket clap.” Twenty‐five‐year old Josh Green steps off the stage, undeterred by a less‐than‐ enthusiastic response from the group of Year 11s in front of him. During morning assembly, pupils had grabbed the opportunity to experience some unexpected fun, but first period RE is proving much harder work. Polite applause is the best the band has received so far.

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TWELVE24 BAND one word: “Character,” says Christina. “That’s why we’ve lasted five years. We’ve got a guy who’s already learned the secret of success, focused on our character and praying together. When we’re struggling it’s always down to these things. He’ll ask us: ‘Are you guys praying?’”

As we talk, Ryan notices the time. It has just turned 12:24pm. “I wonder how it’s going back at school,” he muses out loud.

False alarm

Moment of truth The band responded by launching a new album called Tell the Truth. Aside from a couple of notable collaborations from Guvna B and Nu Breed, the album is entirely self‐penned and produced on a shoestring budget by independent producer Tigga. Yet the album’s songwriting and sound – especially “What a Feeling” and “Light up the Night” – are ripe for commercial radio. No song outstays its welcome; the production is sharp and melodic hooks abound.

But radio play is not the goal: getting the message out is. “We want to be offensively obvious with our message,” says Josh provocatively. “We’re not scared to say the name of Jesus. We’re not chasing after airplay. We’re not writing songs for DJs. But it’s interesting to us that in fact a lot of music the best DJs play has really strong messages, whether that’s Rihanna, Kanye, Macklemore or whoever. The reality is, you can say pretty much whatever you want if your music’s good enough.”

From the outset, the band was determined to release Tell The Truth as a free download, having seen the impact of free ‘mixtapes’ from artists such as Chris Brown and Lecrae over the last few years.

This instinct proved spot on: “In the first two months since we released Tell The Truth, it’s been downloaded 2,000 times,” explains Christina. “It took us three years to sell that many copies of Better Words [the band’s first album]. Last week we did a schools week for a school of 600 kids in Leicester. Within a couple of days, the album had been downloaded 300 times. That’s half the school.”

“We wanted people to say: ‘Why on earth are you giving it away free?’” adds Josh. “But giving it away has let a lot of kids into our world. Even before we visit a school, it does a job of introducing our message in a positive way. And when we leave, they have the songs to remind them of what they heard.”

Staying in character These are all big statements for a young band to make.

Yet Twelve24 come across as confident without being arrogant. They work together as a team: each with a role and a voice. No one member dominates. They deal with each other gently and humbly.

“A lot of that is to do with Tim,” says Ryan, referring to Tim Owen, who has guided the band’s development since the beginning. An alumnus of the Tribe, Owen had a ringside seat as the band dealt with the demands of national and international fame while feeling the need to stay true to the call to Manchester schools.

And according to Twelve24, it can all be summed up in 60

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It’s all about you and all you do Can these words be left unsaid?

If I don’t speak out how would they know?

So I get to tell the truth: How you gave you it all, All for love, So I open up and give you all my life This love is amazing.

It’s 7.30pm. Once again the school hall is packed, but this time there are no school blazers on show. Dozens are packed into a tiny ‘mosh pit’, policed by two burly teachers. Coloured lights reflect off a thick haze of dry ice as the band sings the final chorus of album title track “Tell the Truth”.

The band has almost finished the set, which is based on the new album plus fan favourite “One in a Million”.

The songs sound terrific live and the young crowd is loving it. Then, as he did almost 12 hours earlier, Josh steps forward to share a personal testimony of God’s work in his life. And, as before, the background noise dies down, bringing the place to a reverent hush.

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TWELVE24 BAND This time he pulls no punches, talking frankly about asking God into his life: “I wound up in a police station.

The last place you would’ve expected to meet God was actually the first place I met him.”

Just as he is about to make his appeal, a high and insistent siren begins to wail. “That doesn’t sound good,” says Josh, as the stewards begin guiding the young people to the fire exits. You can sense the band’s disappointment as the three members contemplate the week they’ve just spent speaking truth into so many young lives.

In the nick of time, the fire alarm deactivates and the kids are ushered back in. Josh returns to the stage and begins his appeal again: “If you want to do what I did, and start a journey tonight with Jesus, I’m just going to ask you to do one thing…”

Across the room, more than 100 hands are raised.

Waiting outside, the Eden team runs out of packs for all the young people who respond.

masses,” explains Ryan. “At the moment we feel like we’re going village to village. It’s obvious that we should try to go to the top of the mountain.”

“It’s not about us being famous,” concludes Josh. “God wants to make Himself famous through people like us.

Spend five minutes with us, we’re going to tell you about Jesus. It’s who we are. We’re not trying to be anything other than authentic about how we live and what we believe. The truth will out.”

For live dates and a free album download, visit twelve24.co.uk. n

Cool intentions It’s almost a tradition for Christians to question the motives of Christian bands, whether it be DC Talk, Delirious or Twelve24. Isn’t it questionable for a Christian band to pursue fame?

“We always get asked in schools: ‘How come you guys are not famous?’” says Christina. “We’re able to say fame is great, but it’s not about fame, it’s about what you do with it. Fame is useful if it gives you access to the mountain top.”

“The Tribe really understood about evangelism to the

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NONSO ANOZIE

From

Strength to Strength 62

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BY JOY TIBBS

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ike many little boys, Nonso Anozie grew up watching and re‐enacting superhero films.

Casting himself in the main role he would envisage himself saving the world, probably wearing pants over some brightly coloured tights as he did so.

Though now a little older and wiser, Nonso’s love for acting and superheroes has never abated. So when he was offered the role of Samson in hit television series The Bible, he didn’t need to think twice before taking on the challenge. In the biblical account of the hairy hero’s life, Samson is given superhuman strength: he rips a lion apart with his bare hands, slays 1,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass and – in the move that brought about his own death – ripped a pagan temple from its foundations. If the word “badass” had been in use back then, Samson might have been afforded a new nickname.

Nonso tells Sorted: “The story is very dynamic, very action‐packed; something any guy would want to play.

My youth was spent watching superhero movies and my dream was fulfilled playing this role; he’s kind of like a biblical superhero. It was a great opportunity.”

Furthermore, the character of Samson held particular

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NONSO ANOZIE significance for the British actor. On location in LA before he had even heard of the History Channel series, Nonso’s church pastor sent him a passage from the book of Samson to read. “It really stood out to me; it was significant in some way,” he explains. On his very last day in that particular job, he got a call from the production team asking him to take on the role. “It immediately took me back to that moment,” he claims.

Word of mouth Fortunately for viewers, Nonso agreed to become the biblical strongman, and fortunately for him, the series was a huge hit in the US. Launched in March, the first episode was viewed by a whopping 13.1 million people; the largest cable television audience of the year up to that point. Including subsequent airings, the series was viewed by more than 100 million US viewers.

“That’s more than the Super Bowl!” says Nonso.

“Samson was a great role to have and it also pushed my career on. It’s done amazingly great things for my career.

To be able to spread the Word of God and actually act at the same time is something I’ve always believed in.”

“A LOT OF THE PEOPLE WATCHING DON’T EXPECT IT TO BE AS GOOD AS IT IS. THE BIBLE IS THE BEST STORY EVER TOLD!” Filmed in Ouarzazate, Morocco, the ten‐hour miniseries brings to life many of the Bible’s best known and most dramatic tales from Genesis to Revelation. Sunday school favourites such as Noah’s Ark, the Exodus and Daniel in the Lions’ Den have been given a facelift, while the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus is portrayed in a powerful and sensitive way.

“A lot of the people watching don’t expect it to be as good as it is,” Nonso claims. “The main thing is having a quality product and having a strong story. The Bible is the best story ever told!

“I also think The Bible will reach people in a way that many thought it never would. A lot of people study the Bible in religious studies at school and it’s boring. There is a kind of block that comes with reading the Bible. As soon as you mention it, people in this country withdraw. “[The series] brings something that’s really visual f

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NONSO ANOZIE that will hit people with a really big bang. I hope it will bring more people to investigate the Bible, to reread the stories. It’s a great thing to be part of and I think it will achieve great things in this country. I hope it goes into people’s homes and that, for people who are not really aware of God, it will be a point of contact. That’s my vision: for people to be interested and to start a conversation; to make people feel included.”

Asked whether the Bible plays an important part in his own life, he says: “Absolutely, it’s really something I’m doing more and more. A lot of the time I just open the Bible out and see if it speaks to me or I take time to study a specific book.

“I recently read the story of Job. I can read that over and over and over. It’s so profound. The fact that Job persevered even when his wife dies and everybody dies, he still remains faithful; it’s a lesson for life.”

Treading the boards Growing up, Nonso struggled to see how he would ever become an actor, but he was determined to give it a good go. “I had always wanted to act, ever since I was a kid,” he shares. “I was growing up in inner‐city London during the eighties and nineties and I didn’t know how as a young black man I was going to fit into this thing called ‘media’.”

Inspired by a play he saw as a youngster, he remembers a particular moment of clarity. “I thought, ‘You know what? I can actually do this’,” he shares. “I went to drama school and did a degree, then I joined the Royal Shakespeare Company straight after that. I did theatre to begin with and then moved into film.”

This is a characteristically humble description of Nonso’s career, during which he has taken on some pretty challenging and high‐profile roles. The year he graduated from the Central School of Speech and Drama (2002), he took on the lead in William Shakespeare’s King Lear, which is often considered the culmination of an actor’s career, with many describing the play as the “Everest” of Shakespeare plays. Nonso was the youngest person in history to take on the role professionally.

And he must have done a pretty good job, because three years later, he earned rave reviews for his portrayal of Othello in Declan Donnellan’s Cheek By Jowl production. According to the Guardian, “Italy snubbed him, France idolised him and Russia thought he needed a few years more practice”, but regardless of any negative press he won the Ian Charleson Award in 2004 for his moving depiction of the Moorish general.

One of the highlights of the Othello tour was a visit to Nigeria. Nonso’s diary entry, which appeared in the same Guardian article, explains his reaction when he heard the African nation was on the list: “I screamed with joy when I first heard we were going to Nigeria; my parents were born there, and came to England to work and study in the 1970s.

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“Going there to work feels like I’m completing that circle. We’ve had standing ovations and you can’t help but feel that the audience is proud to see a fellow Nigerian leading a British company … It’s been really emotional being here, but it’s also the best place on the map so far.”

The Hollywood scene Having also become the first non‐Chinese actor to win the Magnolia Stage Performance Award in China that year, Nonso’s career was off to an excellent start. Little did he know that within four years he would be gracing the big screen. He initially appeared in background roles as Think Tank in Guy Ritchie’s RocknRolla and Frank Mace in Joe Wright’s Atonement before landing the lead role in 2008 British crime movie Cass.

It took a while for him to ‘break’ America, but it seems Nonso is winning acclaim on both sides of the pond these days. “If they didn’t know how to cast a role they would throw it left‐field and see what I’d do with it in an audition,” Nonso told journalist and blogger Tricia Clarke. “Sometimes it paid off and I’ve landed quite a few roles that were never actually meant to be cast as black, let alone for me.

“I realised I was going to have to do a few projects that were released both in the UK and America before Americans would actually look at me and say: ‘Ok, I’ve seen you in this movie and that movie’.

“I did Othello as a world tour and we came to New York in 2004. Every year since then I’ve been coming to the US – both to New York and LA – once or twice a year to do the groundwork when it came to meeting casting directors and agents. It’s only now that I’m really starting to see it pay dividends in terms of success in America.”

Other major roles Nonso now has under his belt include Zamoran pirate Artus in Conan the Barbarian, Xaro Xhoan Daxos in HBO hit series Game of Thrones and Jackson Burke in The Grey, which starred Liam Neeson. “I’ve just finished Ender’s Game [with Harrison Ford and Viola Davis], which is released in November, The Bible is coming out in December, and I’m currently working on Cinderella with Disney,” Nonso divulges.

Directed by Kenneth Branagh, the live‐action version of the popular fairy tale stars Cate Blanchett, Helena Bonham Carter, Richard Madden and Derek Jacobi, among others, with Nonso taking the part of Prince Charming’s loyal friend, the Captain. All we can say is, Madden had better pull off a pretty good performance as the lead man, because his best buddy is pretty charming himself, pants over tights or not.

The Bible series made its UK debut on November 30, and can be viewed on Channel 5 each Saturday at 9pm.

To find out more about the show, visit www.thebibleuk.org. n

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BUSINESS

CHARLES HUMPHREYS

We’re in Business

Trusting God’s Clock that reaches the ground and the number of nutrients in the soil.

The analogies between the heat generated by the forest fire and the heat we ourselves experience in our own waiting periods is obvious: pain! But less obvious is the actual purpose of God in causing us to endure a period of waiting and ramping up the temperature in our own circumstances.

At one level, God is ensuring that the time is right (Galatians 4:4) to enable our ‘seed’ to be released into the perfect environment with sufficient light, space and nutrients. At another level, the heat causes us to act as we were designed; freeing us from the things in life that hold us back, such as selfishness or wrong motives.

There are no shortcuts when it comes God’s leading, and He often uses what we view as delays to generate a bit of heat, which burns off the unwanted ‘stuff’ in our lives. Without the period of waiting and pain we can remain comfortable but robbed of purpose.

Strategies for enduring the waiting

T

here we both were in a pub, talking about life’s disappointments over a pint, and at the top of the list were career delays and setbacks.

My friend shared that his career felt like a man sitting on a cold, windy platform waiting for a train that would never arrive. I nodded; I knew exactly how he felt. It wasn’t as if he wasn’t praying or doing the right things, but promotions and career satisfaction seemed to elude him like the Abominable Snowman.

The Bible says that: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12). We both seemed to be stuck in the part where our hopes were being deferred! As Christians, what should our response be to prayers for a career breakthrough or for any other life issue that appear to be falling on deaf divine ears? What should we do when God’s timetable turns out to be radically different from our own? These are good questions, and I hope the following will provide some answers.

God tells us in Psalm 75:2 that it is He who 66

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chooses the appointed time for everything in our lives. However, it can take a gigantic release of faith for us to believe that God knows what He’s doing. To help us, nature provides some interesting insights into how incredible God is at making plans.

HIS CAREER FELT LIKE A MAN SITTING ON A COLD, WINDY PLATFORM WAITING FOR A TRAIN THAT WOULD NEVER ARRIVE. For example, North American pitch pines wait many years to reproduce, and when they do they need a spark to get them going. Their cones have to be heated to above 65oC before opening and shedding their seeds; something that can only happen during a forest fire.

However, once released, the seeds fall into an area that has been cleared of competing plants, which increases the amount of light

Recognise that God’s leading involves a series of stepping stones, rather than one big step.

The fall of Jericho was only the first step in taking the Promised Land. Smaller victories along the way will encourage you to continue.

Submit yourself to God’s plan for your life and God will open doors (see 1 Peter 5:6). The process of submission is important, because it can be easy to try to lead God by the hand.

This never works!

Read the Bible and pray regularly. Work on making your relationship with God ever closer.

Expect to meet a King Cyrus (unexpected help) along the way (see 2 Chronicles 36:22).

Don’t give in to despair; recall how God has helped you in the past (Psalm 77:11). He’ll do it again! n Charles is an experienced careers coach and founder of Christian‐based careers coaching service Want2get on? (www.want2geton.co.uk), which offers one‐on‐one careers counselling, workshops and seminars. He wrote The Christian Guide to Jobs and Careers (www.hope4acareer.com), is a busy dad of three young boys and husband to an overworked doctor. He also leads the men’s ministry at Oasis Church in Colliers Wood.

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BUSINESS

STUART RIVERS

Making Your Mark

Time for Social Impact?

B

usinesses are about returning shareholder value.

Or are they? More and more companies are turning to corporate social responsibility as a means of building loyalty among their customer base, and now could be just the right time to invest.

Although corporate social responsibility has long been a publicity tool in the corporate toolbox, many companies now see it as a way of strengthening their brand and harnessing a loyal following, which ultimately delivers the bottom line results shareholders are interested in.

Campaigning organisations such as Not for Sale and Stop the Traffik have brought bad business into the public square, and social enterprises with a good business ethic are demonstrating that it is possible to successfully fuse business and charity into one entity.

During a recent trip to Asia, I picked up a book at Changi Airport to relieve the boredom of travelling. The book was called Start Something that Matters, and it was written by Blake Mycoskie. Mycoskie is the founder and chief shoe giver at Toms: a social impact shoe company he started in 2006 after a ‘time out’ visit to Argentina.

Mycoskie was shocked by the number of children walking around without shoes and at the impact this had on their health. After much trial and error – he had no experience in the shoe industry – he managed to bring to market a range of shoes that delivered social impact.

The Toms business model is simple (the good ones usually are). For every pair of shoes he sells, he gives a pair to a child who hasn’t got any. For new‐generation microphilanthropists, this is a no brainer. I can buy a pair of Toms and make a difference or I can choose an alternative brand. The impact probably goes much deeper than this, though.

By choosing Toms you put a pair of shoes on a child, but it is also likely that you are contributing to an ethical supply chain rather than an unethical one.

This is just one example of business creating social impact, and many others are now copying the Toms model (take a look at crowdfunding website Indiegogo.com).

FOR EVERY PAIR OF SHOES HE SELLS, HE GIVES A PAIR TO A CHILD WHO HASN’T GOT ANY. So how can you translate this concept into your business model? It could be relatively easy for some companies, providing you are a product developer with a product that can benefit others. For others it may be more difficult. Nevertheless, there is a lot to be learned from Mycoskie.

Firstly, Toms doesn’t sell shoes. Well, not directly. Toms is selling a story, an experience and an opportunity to make a difference. This flips the business model in such a way that buying shoes becomes an emotional decision to make a small difference in the world.

Secondly, the ‘One for One’ concept is replicable. In other words, once the concept is adopted by a loyal following, you can apply the model to other products. By doing so you leverage this loyalty by inviting customers to do more through their buying decisions. For

Toms, this has been translated into sunglasses.

One pair of TOMS sunglasses equals sight for one person.

Thirdly, the model provides a campaigning opportunity for businesses. This is also a new concept and one that builds positive publicity, a sense of community and extends the loyalty further.

Having spent 20 years in business and nearly 15 years in the charity sector, I have a passion for transforming lives. What I’ve realised and experienced along the way is that there is such a thing as good business. The business community has the opportunity to change the world in a big way, and I want to be part of it.

It would be great to see groups of business leaders come together just to explore the possibilities.

If Toms has anything to offer businesses, it’s the encouragement that social impact business does work. Considering that the company started selling shoes just before the global economic crisis in 2006, it has done pretty well to have sold a million pairs of shoes by the end of 2012 and to have put shoes on the feet of a million children around the world. n An entrepreneur with a background in marketing and business development, Stuart was recently appointed chief executive of Sailors’ Society, a Christian charity serving the needs of merchant seafarers. He previously spent 15 years at Ericsson, progressing to the role of commercial director in Sweden, before being appointed executive director of Bible Society in 2009. Stuart is a former Salvation Army officer whose parents are commissioners; his great uncle was private secretary to General William Booth. He is married to Carey and has six children and two grandchildren.

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BUSINESS

MATT BIRD

Relationology

Five Keys to Becoming an Exceptional Trusted Adviser

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he House of Commons meeting room was packed for the launch of a cross‐party report. The occasion had drawn MPs and peers from all parties as well as journalists, funders and business executives.

At the front of the room was a table and five chairs, behind which sat a panel of subject matter experts chaired by a senior member of parliament. I was tucked in at the end of a row towards the back of the room.

Initial presentations were made and questions were then put to the panel. In the middle of the discussion, the MP who was chairing the discussion paused and said: “That sounds like a question for Matt Bird!” After an initial spell of breathlessness, I stood up and made some off‐the‐cuff points, which I thought were rather clumsy but received a very warm reception.

Become a niche expert The benefit of being known as a niche expert is that people come to you to ask for advice and wisdom rather than you going to them to sell something. Perhaps I am too quintessentially British, but I don’t like selling.

I am resistant to ‘push marketing’, where you proactively promote your product or service to your target market in an attempt to persuade them to buy.

I realise this is a bit idealistic, but you might find yourself agreeing. I prefer ‘pull marketing’, where you focus on building your personal and organisational brand and reputation so that people come to you because you are known as the niche expert on certain subject matters. This is the dream for exceptional trusted advisers.

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some, this is a sacred category of relationship that is saved for their one or two nearest and dearest personal relationships. Others have many ‘friends’ and do not discriminate between a friendship at work or at play.

Personally, I am a fan of friendship and making ‘fast friends’. My wife often laughs at me when I describe someone I’ve met once or twice as a friend, but for me it’s normal!

Exceptional trusted advisers have the capacity and propensity to build strong relationships swiftly with a variety of clients.

JUST AS A MAÎTRE D’ AT A RESTAURANT WILL ANTICIPATE THE NEEDS OF A CUSTOMER, SO AN EXCEPTIONAL TRUSTED ADVISER WILL ANTICIPATE THE NEEDS OF HIS OR HER CLIENTS.

Build reputation Anticipate need Just as a maître d’ at a restaurant will anticipate the needs of a customer, so an exceptional trusted adviser will anticipate the needs of his or her clients. You can create the time and space to think for your client. This requires a lowering of your self‐orientation, which is the tendency to view the world as being about you, and instead see the world as if it is about your client. In that place you can still your mind, suspend self‐instruction, be completely present in the moment and engage in multi‐ sensory listening on behalf of your client and their business.

Build relationships

Take risks

In business, I avoid using the ‘F’ word (‘friends’) because it polarises people. For

Recently I was approached by a large organisation with a brief for a piece of work.

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The organisation was one of the largest, if not the largest within its sector, so the opportunity to work with them would have been exciting and fantastic for my own brand building.

As I read through the brief I became convinced that what they were asking for was not what they needed, so I decided to take a risk. At the pitch meeting I introduced myself and explained my perspective. I then waited in trepidation.

The client team began to ask questions and I ended up spending twice as much time with them as anticipated. At the end of the session they made it very clear that they wanted to work with me. I only wish that I took risks like this more often. Exceptional trusted advisers take risks in their relationships, while the average trusted adviser prefers to play it safe.

It takes time to shape what people think and say about you, so you need to play the long game. If people are going to change what they think and say about you, their experience of you should consistently defy expectation. This journey will take time, so you need to be patient and persistent. Exceptional trusted advisers are very intentional about building, managing and protecting their professional reputation.

As a keynote speaker and trainer to firms of accountants, lawyers and consultants, these are the five features that I find distinguish exceptional trusted advisers from their average counterparts. n Matt Bird helps leaders and organisations build the relationships they need to achieve greater success. Receive your complimentary e‐book 5 Keys To Being An Exceptional Trusted Adviser at www.relationology.co.uk/eta.

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BUSINESS

MARTIN CARTER

Bolder & Boulder

Keep On Keeping On

I

n every culture, New Year signifies a new start. Janus, the Roman god after whom January is named, had two faces: one looking to the past, the other to the future. Likewise for us, January is traditionally the time when we reflect back on the successes and failures of the past year and resolve to do better in the ensuing 12 months.

Psychologist Richard Wiseman found that, despite our good intentions, 88% of New Year’s resolutions fail; most of them within the first few weeks. Other studies support these findings, as does my own bitter experience (although I’d obviously never admit that to my mates). It’s no wonder so many of us have given up giving up, convinced that no matter how hard we try we’ll be sitting here in 12 months’ time bemoaning another year of failure. But what if instead of giving up, we resolved to keep on keeping on?

It took Thomas Edison more than 1,000 attempts to find the perfect filament for the

electric light bulb. Asked by a reporter how it felt to fail 1,000 times, Edison is said to have replied: “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.”

IT’S NOT ABOUT HOW HARD YOU THINK; IT’S ABOUT HOW HARD YOU TRY. Edison’s desire to succeed meant that he saw every setback as a positive step towards achieving his goal. We face a similar choice every time we slip up or slip back into old habits: give up and commit to a life of failure, or man up and commit to a life of discovery.

Now I know that’s easy to say and difficult to do, but like all good parables, Edison’s story not only points to what we should do, but also to how we can do it. Specifically, it provides both an encouragement and a warning for

action‐orientated blokes everywhere, and it turns out that both ideas are backed up by Richard Wiseman’s research.

First, positive action is more effective than positive thinking. As Father Richard Rohr, founder of the Centre for Action and Contemplation, puts it: “We do not think ourselves into new ways of living; we live ourselves into new ways of thinking.” This is sweet music to anyone who struggles with society’s tendency to overthink and underact.

It’s not about how hard you think; it’s about how hard you try.

Second, change is a journey, not a giant leap. Rather than jumping heroically from one habit to another, hoping our will power will keep us there, we need to take a series of small, planned and deliberate steps. There are no shortcuts on the road to change.

Injecting more testosterone and willing ourselves to change won’t work. We have to put in the hard yards.

So what’s the difference between those who nail their resolutions and those that fail?

Simply their resolve to walk the walk, learn from every stumble and fall, pick themselves up, dust themselves off and try again.

It turns out there’s only resolution worth making: to keep on keeping on. n Martin Carter has a wife, three children and a desire to become more like the bloke God made him to be. He starts each day vowing to be bolder in his faith and the rest of it tripping up on all the boulders that get in the way. Writing about it helps him remember where he buried them (the boulders, not the family!).

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ADVICE

SMART TALK

With Dr. Richard Scott, Jojo Meadows and Richard Taylor OUR EXPERTS

Sponsored by Christian Single Mix

Lust vs Love

Richard Scott has worked as a surgeon, GP and evangelist in England, India and parts of Africa. His wife Heather is also a doctor and the couple have three daughters. Sport is a passion for Richard, interspersed more recently with writing, which developed during treatment for bowel cancer. His second book, God – I’ve got Cancer, will be published soon by Terra Nova Publications.

Jojo Meadows is passionate about spreading God’s word in an original way. She trained as a counsellor and helped to run a crisis centre in Solihull before being headhunted

by Connexions to develop courses for senior schools.

Jojo has been through many life-changing experiences including anorexia, teenage pregnancy, rape and cervical cancer. This motivated her to help others who are struggling through difficult circumstances.

Founding pastor of Victory Church in Cwmbran, Richard Taylor is a church leader and author. For many years, Richard has been impacting lives with his down-to-earth humour, passion and genuine love for God and people. Along with his wife Jill and their four sons, Richard founded the church in January 2010 and it has since grown into a vibrant congregation.

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I don’t fancy my wife anymore.

The only way I get turned on is by imagining I’m with another woman. If I use my imagination I have an amazing time, but in my mind it’s with someone else.

How can I get the spark back? It feels like I’ll never fancy her again. To be honest, I’m not even sure I want to.

You’re asking how to bring back the spark, yet you’re closing off your mind. How about reversing this? Imagine your wife was doing the same; picturing other men while making love to you. It’s not a nice thought, is it? You made

JM

vows and you fancied her in the beginning. Maybe treat her to a new haircut and take time out to invest in her. Work on bringing out the inner beauty of the woman you fell in love with.

RS Although marital vows don’t

specifically contrast “in lust and out of lust”, they are clearly implied. We all get tempted and there is nothing wrong in that, but focusing on extramarital possibilities is wrong, as sooner or later it leads to action. Jesus said: “Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Instead, redirect your fertile

imagination back towards your wife and rekindle what you had before it’s too late.

The first question is, do you still love her? If the answer is yes, then there is hope for your marriage. Fantasy and reality are two very different things. When you fantasise about another woman you are dishonouring your wife. Why doesn’t she appeal to you any longer?

Transparency is important in any relationship, and if you both love each other, talking about your temptations together will weaken their grip. You need to rediscover why you fell in love with your wife in the first place and revisit it together.

RT

My 16-year-old daughter says she hates my wife (her stepmum) and is very awkward and antagonistic around the house. We show her so much love, but she just seems to throw it back in our faces. She sees her real mum very occasionally, and when she does she comes back even worse.

JM Divorce is a traumatic

experience for any child to encounter. Having parents separate causes the child to feel torn. In schools I counselled children that had experienced divorce and were dealing with a new stepmother/father.

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ADVICE I’ve struggled with an addiction to porn and lap dancing clubs since uni and I can’t help comparing my wife to these girls. I know it’s not fair on her, but sometimes I’d rather masturbate in private while watching porn rather than be intimate with her. I can’t talk to her about it because she’d be devastated, but I don’t know what else to do.

JM It’s important to understand

the devastating effects porn has on people and their relationships! It is so fake and it takes away the real beauty of true love and intimacy. Lap dancers aren’t exclusive to you, they are there for everyone to see.

Your wife, on the other hand, is all yours! Combat your porn addiction by going to see a counsellor. Talk it through and find out how to axe out this root, which will slowly destroy your marriage.

RS All addictions can be broken.

You’ve already admitted the truth to yourself, but the second stage is harder. Publicly ‘coming

Having to contend with a new mother figure feels like a betrayal of the biological mother. Therefore, manifestations from across the emotional spectrum will be displayed as teenagers are rarely able to appropriately express their real feelings.

I feel for all four of you in this scenario. Your daughter obviously resents and blames you for her situation, despite being loved dearly. Alongside prayer, this is exactly what you and your wife should continue to do, so that when she leaves home and encounters the tough decisions we all face, she will hopefully begin to understand and

RS

out’, whether to a GP, counsellor or church minister is essential, but don’t leave your wife in the dark. She may already suspect something is amiss, and as you turn your back on the sins of your youth, allow her to play her role in your healing. By working together in love, physicality can be restored.

This is quite serious. You need to look for professional help via a counsellor. Too often these things are not dealt with and end up causing devastating consequences. It’s not too late to seek professional help.

RT

CONTACT US: Got a problem and need an answer?

Email: jo@sorted-magazine.com or write to: Smart Talk, Sorted Magazine, PO Box 3070, Littlehampton, West Sussex BN17 6WX

forgive your choice and choose to love you again.

RT Being a stepmum will always

bring challenges. Children are often the victims when it comes to a marriage breakup, and to have someone else playing the role of mum can be deeply damaging. A clear‐the‐air conversation is often needed to express the fact your new wife is not and never will be her real mum. As the dad you need to communicate with your daughter how you feel. She may be being fed negativity about your new wife, so it’s important that you talk about this.

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Advertising Sales: Duncan Williams, Tel: 07960 829615

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ADVICE

JONATHAN SHERWIN

Big Questions

Calling Our Bluff

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Way back at the beginning of the story, the Bible describes the temptation put before Adam and Eve: “You will be like God” (Genesis 3:5). The lie is that we, on our own, can be God. We can be arbiter and judge. We can decide what’s right and wrong. We can live our own lives just fine under our own power.

History shows us the same story again and again. It is the story of people trying to live life under their own steam, and failing.

If a friend of yours has a drinking problem or is cheating on his wife, do you leave him in his error? On the surface he may seem fine; the thin veneer of normalcy and civility stretched over a framework of lies and shame. But if you really are his friend, you step in when you hear about his problem.

In the same way, while we struggle to make it

WE’VE BEEN KIDDING OURSELVES FOR SO LONG WE ACTUALLY BELIEVE WE HAVE POCKET ACES WHEN REALLY WE HAVE NOTHING AT ALL. I don’t know about Mayor Ford, but sometimes when people are found out they are flooded with a deep sense of relief, even if there are consequences to their actions. They are relieved of the burden of having to live that lie any longer.

Jesus Christ offers an explanation for the deep problems we face. But He goes one step further than that. Jesus offers a solution and a real hope. To all who see Him, accept Him and trust in Him, He grants deep peace and offers complete forgiveness. There’s no greater sense of relief available from any other source.

Don’t bluff your way through life; the stakes are just too high. Be real with yourself and get real with God. n Jonathan lives in Oxford where he runs Latimers, a place for people to challenge and investigate the Christian faith. He graduated from the Oxford Centre for Christian Apologetics and now works as an itinerant evangelist, which involves co‐leading CVM’s Demolition Squad. Join the conversation online: www.jonathansherwin.net.

Toronto Star via Getty Images

hings were going pretty well for Rob Ford, the mayor of Toronto. He was getting away with it. But when character flaws appeared through a series of YouTube films it didn’t take long for the accusations of ‘unfit for office’ to be made. Make no mistake, it will become harder and harder for a person to hold public office with hidden secrets when our lives are digitally recorded to such an extent.

Of course, we all hide things: things we don’t like; things we have done and regret; and insecurities we hold. For some of us, our greatest fear is being found out. To protect ourselves we develop a self‐righteous, stoic resolve and we reject enquiry. We don’t point fingers, because we don’t want any to be pointed back at us. As The Killers put it in their “Sam’s Town” track: “I’m sick of all my judges, so scared of what they’ll find.”

For the last 2,000 years or so, Christianity has found a home in the overwhelming majority of cultures and civilisations. Spanning across race, language and location, the message of this man from Galilee has touched billions of people. And in one sense, this is not surprising. Christianity accurately describes the ‘human condition’. It’s not a culturally defined, human‐created idea, but the truth.

And that truth rests on this fact: we’re all bluffing.

in our own strength, God – who we originally rebelled against and continue to rebel against – is the one who lovingly points out our weakness.

Enter Jesus. God himself, in the form of a man, who came to earth to call our bluff. His first teaching starts with: “Blessed are the poor in spirit” (Matthew 5:3). In other words, the ones who realise that they don’t have what it takes are the blessed ones.

Jesus came so we would recognise that we’re bluffing. Some of us know we’re doing so, but others may not have realised yet. Maybe we’ve been kidding ourselves for so long we actually believe we have pocket aces when really we have nothing at all. Go ahead, take a look at your cards.

Socrates said: “The unexamined life is not worth living.” It is so incredibly easy today to add distraction upon distraction so that we never truly examine our lives. Ask the big questions. Ask why the world is the way it is, why people are the way they are and what hope can be found. Jesus was fond of questions; he asked them of many people.

Enquire of yourself and then enquire of the world and look around for the answers.

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OPINION

JON COBB

Money

knows what will happen in the future. There are a few great verses in the Old Testament telling us that we shouldn’t seek counsel from mediums. I guess it’s stretching the point to call some know‐all stockbroker a medium, but the overriding message is that it’s not healthy to try to predict the future.

More to the point, if you invest in shares you need to be doing so for the long term. If you are saving to buy a car in a year’s time, for example, you shouldn’t put your money anywhere near the stock market, but hold it securely in cash.

IF YOU HAVE A 20-YEAR HORIZON, WHO CARES WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN 12 MONTHS’ TIME!

Taking Stock

I

don’t know what the Ebenezer Scrooge equivalent for New Year’s Eve is, but it used to be me. I couldn’t understand where the sudden wave of optimism came from, as if there were a jubilee on January 1 and everyone’s problems, debts and complications were wiped clean.

It also used to annoy me that my local would be packed with people… who definitely weren’t locals! Fortunately, I’ve mellowed in my old age and I now think it’s great to be optimistic about each year as it begins, because if we fear the worst it may well become a self‐fulfilling prophesy!

Talking of the prophetic, it always makes me smirk when so‐called ‘experts’ predict where the stock market will end the year. A survey of these experts was carried out by a slightly pinky‐orangy broadsheet back in May. Now, I’m writing this in October 2013, so I have no idea how close these experts will have come by the time you read this in 2014, but the leading 100 UK‐listed companies collectively are 74

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measured by the FTSE 100 index. As I write, the index stands majestically at 6,770.

When these predictions were made at the start of May it stood at 6,762, and the experts couldn’t even agree on the direction in which the index would move! The bears said it would end the year at 6,500 (were they right?), while the bulls predicted that it would end somewhere between 7,000 and 7,200.

I find all this talk foolish, as no one really

If, on the other hand, you are saving for retirement in 20 years’ time, you have time to ride out stock market volatility, and history shows us that within this timeframe you would get a better return from the stockmarket than anywhere else. Moreover, if you have a 20‐year horizon, who cares what will happen in 12 months’ time!

There is a very famous (and rich) investor called Warren Buffett. Known as the ‘Sage of Omaha’, he was quoted as saying: “The stockmarket is a mechanism for transferring wealth from the active to the patient!” I think he’s got a point. If we constantly change our portfolios, we are guaranteed to make our stockbrokers rich and increase our own chances of losing money.

New Year is always a good time to make resolutions, and perhaps it’s worth making a financial one this year. Maybe you could make a list of priorities in your life and allocate a budget for each one. Perhaps you could start allocating funds towards your long‐term savings and, alongside that, commit to cut back on unnecessary spending. Whatever you do, doing something is better than doing nothing.

Don’t forget that if you are obliged to complete a tax return, you must submit it online by January 31 (it’s already too late to submit a paper copy). Don’t overlook this, because even if you’re a day late you’ll be handed a £100 fine, and if anyone is ambivalent about that amount of money, they can go ahead and give it me! n Jon Cobb runs financial advisory business Trinity Wealth Management. He is a keen runner, ex‐white‐collar boxer, passionate Portsmouth supporter, speaker and writer.

Check out Jon’s blog: cobbiescollectivecontemplations.blogspot.co.uk and follow him on Twitter: @CobbyJon.

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OPINION

RICHARD HARDY

Family

On the third day of this empty silence I asked my wife if it was okay to shout up the stairs: “DAVID! HOW MANY MORE TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO GET OUT OF THAT BED AND GET DOWN HERE FOR BREAKFAST?!”

She said: “You can if it will make you feel better, but it won’t make any difference”, to which I replied: “No change there, then. It hasn’t made any difference for the past two years!”

I started counting the days until they would be back and the house would be filled with life and noise again. It was then that I knew the situation had become serious; that I was stuck and was letting life pass me by.

So I confided in someone who had already walked this path. This friend said: “Give it six weeks and you’ll have established a new normal.

It will never be the same again, but you’ll get used to it and may even come to like it.”

THERE ARE BENEFITS TO HAVING YOUR HOUSE BACK. I CAN ACCESS THE BATHROOM AGAIN.

Is Silence Really Golden?

S

ilence comes in many forms.

There’s the silence of contentment, when you feel truly comfortable in the company of another and feel no need to speak. There’s the hushed silence that happens when you’re in awe of something or someone. Then there is the silence that comes after a storm when the air is clear and all is still. There is the silence that speaks of peace within, when all is at rest and you feel ‘God’s in His heaven and all’s right with the world’.

All of these could be described as “golden” silences, simply because they are rare, precious and positive. Maybe it’s these silences that the Bible speaks of when it says: “Be still and know that I am God”.

Then there are the silences associated with parenting. There’s the silence that descends when they are little and you’ve got them off to sleep. Phew, what a relief! Our eldest didn’t sleep through the night for the first three years of her life. On the rare occasions she did sleep and all was silent, we would lie awake scared to death that something bad had happened to her.

Then there’s the silence that we all long for during the toddler and teenage years: just a bit

of peace and quiet. I used to hide in the toilet just to take a breather and even then they would be banging on the door. Is nothing sacred?!

There was also the silence that meant naughtiness was occurring. Why do children think that if they suddenly go very quiet you won’t notice that something is amiss? Then there’s the silence associated with getting caught, the silence of failing and the silence of having to say sorry.

Recently I’ve discovered a new silence. A silence no‐one tells you about and nothing seems to prepare you for. It’s a silence like no other. It’s a vacuum: an empty, hollow, eerie silence. It’s the memory of decades of noise that you took for granted. It’s the silence that remains when your children leave home.

We sort of assumed it would be an extension of the times they had been away for a week, but it isn’t. It’s more than that. We thought we would just resume the silence we enjoyed before the kids arrived: the busy silence of a full life.

There are times as they are growing when you look back to pre‐parenthood with longing. There are times when you wish them older than they are and gone. But when it comes, it’s horrible! It feels so sudden and too soon.

And to my surprise, I have and I am! Don’t get me wrong, I still miss them. But there are benefits to having your house back. I can access the bathroom again, and when we tidy the house it stays tidy. We have full conversations without interruption. There is no‐one to tell off and no one telling me off!

The food bill has dropped. The washing basket is empty. There’s no one coming in late, and when you go to the toilet there’s no‐one banging on the door. I could get used to this. I am getting used to this!

Oh dear. What am I going to do when they come home for the holidays and my new normal becomes the old normal again? I’d better savour the silence while I’ve got it.

Silence takes many forms and maybe, just maybe, when we give Him the opportunity, God can and does speak through all of them. n Richard Hardy is a Baptist minister and director of the Entheos Trust, which encourages leaders and enables churches to engage with their communities. Richard has spoken on community engagement, marriage and parenting at many national conferences. He has also written extensively on community and family issues (www.theentheostrust.org).

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OPINION

SAM GIBB

Faith

An Unlikely Hero

FilmMagic

AFP/Getty Images

L

ooking for something to watch on iPlayer the other night, I was suddenly struck by a realisation.

This was hardly an award‐ winning Eureka moment – I wouldn’t be telling you if it was – but more of a sudden recognition of something I have subconsciously known for years.

Pretty much every programme I watch features a maverick as its main character; some kind of bad boy. Someone who bends the rules, who gets his hands dirty and who is as far from law‐abiding as Simon Cowell is from cuddly.

WE WANT TO LIVE ON THE EDGE; WE LONG TO BE THESE MEN.

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Brands. We love Cantona, and not just for that delightful chip against Sunderland, but for the cocky upturned collar and (though I fear the consequences of admitting it) that infamous kung fu kick. We want to live on the edge; we long to be these men.

So how, then, can a generation (or three) of blokes whose greatest role models are far from squeaky clean hold as their ultimate hero a bloke who was the epitome of whiter than white? Simply put, why should we pay any attention to a goody‐two‐sandals? And even if we wanted to, how could we respect a chap whose response to being punched in the face

Sam Gibb is a twenty‐something currently living in London and working at All Souls, Langham Place. His passion is to present the message and teachings of Jesus to men in a way that makes sense to them. He has written a series of Bible studies aimed at lads on topics such as comedy, war and sport. Sam’s heroes are the apostle Paul, Alan Shearer and Garfield, though not necessarily in that order. You can follow him on Twitter at @samggibb.

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As I flick through the list of bloke‐friendly television programmes, this seems to be a pretty indisputable pattern. Think Luther, Hustle, Dexter, Madmen and Breaking Bad. Even the new Doctor Who is best known for his angry (and rather sweary) role as government spin doctor and bad boy character Malcolm Tucker.

And this pattern is not confined to television.

We envy the Ronnie O’Sullivans and Russell

WireImage

is to ‘turn the other cheek’; the kind of guy who, along with Gary Barlow and Cliff Richard, your gran would love to have round for a nice cup of tea?

Yet when I open up my Bible, the Jesus I meet is a far stretch from the one we often hear about in church. This ‘baby Jesus meek and mild’ is merely a caricature of the real Christ, and a jolly bad one at that! The Jesus of scripture is clearly a badass.

Ok, drop your pitchforks and mop up the spilt tea! I’m not being heretical, trust me.

I’m not suggesting that Jesus was sinful, not a chance. He was the only perfect being who ever lived, and my salvation depends on it, as does yours. You see, when Christ died on the cross He had to be perfect, or the payment wouldn’t have been permanent.

But Jesus wasn’t ‘nice’. Far from it! Jesus was a maverick. He hung out with prostitutes and dodgy taxmen; corrupt politicians and foul‐ mouthed fishermen. Far from enjoying repeat episodes of Songs of Praise, He was (or would have been) much happier in a pub than in a pew. Frankly, the religious people got on His nerves, and He wound them up, too! When Jesus walked into a room people would shift nervously in their seats. He made people uncomfortable.

And that’s what Jesus should do to us. If Jesus doesn’t make you uncomfortable then something is up. You’ve probably created a Jesus in your own image – I know I have at times. My idealised Jesus wears cardigans and styles his hair. He’ll happily walk old ladies across the road, but he rarely stirs stuff up. My Jesus isn’t keen to ask difficult questions and he only wants 20% of my attention. My Jesus doesn’t get angry at my sin, he just reassures me that I’m not as bad as the drunk on the tube. But my Jesus is not the real Jesus. He is a pathetic replica; good for nothing and no‐one.

So forget about your replica Jesus and look for the real Jesus: a Jesus whose justice and love go hand in hand; a Jesus who is angered at sin but has fixed it forever; a Jesus who takes people as they are but doesn’t leave them as they were. Sculpt yourself to be like the real, biblical, maverick Jesus or you’ll end up sculpting one who looks just like you.

Your gran might not want Him round for supper, but you won’t be able to stop talking about Him. n

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OPINION

LYNDON BOWRING

Politics

Genetically Modified Humans

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here has been a good deal in the news in recent times about genetically modified (GM) crops; crops that have been modified in a laboratory to enhance their quality.

People feel very strongly about this and arguments about whether the bioengineering of crops is a good thing have been batted back and forth.

Those in favour say that it will help to combat hunger in developing countries.

Manipulating the DNA of crops such as rice can increase their nutritional value and provide a bigger yield. In fact, Environment Secretary Owen Paterson recently said: “Britain would be acting immorally if it did not make GM crop technologies available to poor countries.”

However, there is real concern about the widespread effects of these altered plants on the environment. Other nearby crops and wildlife are at risk of being contaminated, and the long‐term health of people eating GM food could also be at risk.

It’s great that the press has taken up this issue, putting out information and opinions for us to think about. The way we produce food for a growing global population is crucially important, and it is obviously right for governments, global organisations, distinguished scientists and others to examine the rights and wrongs of this issue.

But did you know that there is far less open debate about another incredibly significant GM project… to genetically modify human beings?

The government is considering introducing regulations that would pave the way for the creation of ‘three‐parent babies’. This would be done in a laboratory, creating an embryo using sperm from the biological father and parts of the eggs of two mothers in a bid to prevent life‐ threatening mitochondrial disorders.

CHANGED DNA WOULD NOT ONLY AFFECT THAT ONE CHILD; IT WOULD BE CARRIED DOWN THE GENERATIONS. Mitochondria are present in every human cell and they provide more than 90% of the energy we need to function properly. Every year in Britain, approximately 200 babies are born with a mitochondrial disorder that has been passed on genetically through the mother.

Only five or ten of these individuals have conditions that would be considered serious enough to merit this intervention.

Of course, for the affected families this is desperately sad, as the child will suffer from multiple problems and will probably die at an early age. As a result, scientists seeking to

prevent the disease being passed on have developed techniques to remove the damaged mitochondria from the mother’s egg, replacing it with mitochondria from the egg of another woman.

However, this is incredibly controversial.

Changing the genetic makeup of an embryo crosses a very important legal and ethical line and violates statements from international bodies such as the World Health Organisation and the Council of Europe.

Furthermore, we cannot be sure about the long‐term effects on human health. Changed DNA would not only affect that one child; it would be carried down the generations. There may also be issues for the child’s sense of identity.

The creation of ‘designer babies’ with all kinds of genetically altered characteristics, which would surely follow, is no longer scary science fiction, but a definite possibility. And it is not legal anywhere else. Britain is determined to be at the forefront of medical research and this enterprise is potentially worth billions of pounds to the pharmaceutical industry.

The government is pushing these regulations through without any widespread consultation.

The Bible tells us we should “take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them” (Ephesians 5:11), and that’s why CARE is bringing the issue into the open. You can write to your MP expressing your concern about this at www.writetothem.com. n Lyndon Bowring was born in Wales and studied at London Bible College. He is an associate minister at Kensington Temple, and has been executive chairman of CARE for more than 25 years. His hobbies include watching rugby, exploring London’s restaurants and developing friendships.

He lives in London with his wife Celia, and they have three children.

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OPINION

LEE AND BAZ

Cut to the Chase

Who’s your Sgt MacKenzie?

BY BAZ GASCOYNE

I

n October last year I was listening to Colin Murray on Talksport. His guest for the morning was the one and only Kriss Akabusi. His infectious laughter resounded as he recounted various stories about his life through childhood, his army days and his athletics career. It was all very compelling, but one story really grabbed my attention: the story of Sgt Iain McKenzie.

WHO SPEAKS INTO YOUR LIFE, ENCOURAGING YOU, BELIEVING IN YOU AND EVEN CORRECTING YOU?

person or send an email today. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

US lecturer and poet Ralph Waldo Emerson said: “Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.”

And how about becoming a Sgt McKenzie yourself? Are you speaking life into someone else’s life, bringing encouragement, hope and belief into their circumstances and helping them to become the best they can in a particular area of their life? Someone right now is most likely waiting for you to see the potential in them; to spot their talent and draw it out of them; to help them achieve and be successful in whatever they choose to do in their lives.

God’s desire for each of us is to become the best person we can be. So for myself I just need to become the best Baz I can be. I know I will achieve this better by allowing my Sgt McKenzie to speak words of affirmation into my life and to hone the talent I have. What about you? Will you let your Sgt McKenzie do the same for you?

I love what Mark Twain said: “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambition.

Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” n Baz is married to Linda, and he lives and works in Sheffield.

He is also one half of Lee and Baz. Together with his mate Lee Jackson, he writes down‐to‐earth men’s books and speaks at a host of men’s conferences.

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Kriss claimed that if Sgt McKenzie had not seen his potential when he was a 16‐year‐old private in the army, he would not have gone on to achieve all that he did in his running career and beyond. “You’ve got a bit of talent there,” Sgt McKenzie told the young soldier.

The older man took Akabusi under his wing and encouraged him. He trained and believed in him, and fast became his role model. But Akabusi said something very interesting on this subject: “Don’t look up to the role model, look into them.” In other words, glean from the person and learn from who they are. He went on to say: “All of us need somebody that actually identifies our potential.”

American author Bernard Malamud said: “Without role models, we are all plain and don’t know how far we can go.”

So my question to you today is: who is or could be your Sgt MacKenzie? Who speaks positively into your life, encouraging you, believing in you and even correcting you when things do not go the way you expected or hoped?

We all need a Sgt McKenzie, and maybe you have recognised yours but need a bit of courage to ask the person to be that role model. No matter how old we are, we all need people around us whose vast life experience helps to make us better men, boyfriends, fiancés, husbands, dads, employees, employers and even sporting legends.

So pick up the phone and speak to that

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SPORT

I KIDD YOU NOT

BY STUART WEIR

B

rian Kidd has focused on football all his life. He played for Manchester United and Manchester City and has coached both clubs, as well as playing for Arsenal, Everton and Bolton Wanderers. He ended his playing career in America and later served as assistant to Sven‐Göran Eriksson with the England team. He is currently joint assistant manager at Manchester City.

The circumstances of our meeting tell you a great deal about Brian Kidd. The interview was scheduled for a Thursday at 2.30pm. The previous evening City had played a Champions League game in Moscow, which meant Brian returned home at 3.30am. That afternoon he was to be on the training pitch from 4pm.

However, having promised to meet me at 2.30pm, he kept his commitment with a smile.

I first remember seeing Brian Kidd in 1968, when he was in the Manchester United team that won the European Cup (before it became the Champions League). United beat Benfica 4‐1 in the final at Wembley, with a 19‐year‐old Brian Kidd scoring.

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When you become a European Cup‐winning goal scorer at 19, what do you aspire to next?

“To be honest, you were never really brought up to think that way because of the demands that players – particularly the older players – put on you,” Brian explains. “I was 17 when I got on the subs bench at Manchester United.

At 18 I played all that season. But it was like, ‘You are in the team. Now produce or else.’

Looking back, it was the correct way to be brought up. It was the demand of Manchester United to win things and the expectations of Manchester United.”

Winning the Cup in 1968 was particularly significant for Manchester United as it came ten years after the Munich air disaster. Seven United players were killed when the plane bringing the team back from a European Cup tie in Belgrade crashed in Munich and manager Matt Busby only just survived. Brian added: “I think the tragedy was paramount in everybody’s mind with what happened to the club. So the win was basically for Sir Matt.”

Manchester City won the FA Cup in 2011, the club’s first trophy in 35 years (since the 1976 League Cup). The following year, City won the league title, coming from 1‐2 down to QPR to win 3‐2 with a goal from Sergio Agüero in

stoppage time. They won the title based on goal difference.

“QPR needed a win to stay up,” Brian recalls.

“They didn’t at the end, but going into the game QPR had to win to stay up and we had to win to win the Premier League. But what a finish and I’ll never see it [again] in my lifetime. I don’t think many people will. Nobody could write that script! I was absolutely drained after it. All I wanted to do was get home to my family, have a cup of tea and get my feet up. It was a fantastic end to the season.”

As an ex‐City player, being part of the first trophy win for 35 years was great for Brian, but it was not the first time he had experienced that emotion. “Well, it was 40 years for the league, and at Manchester United 26 years,” he explains. “And the first time it is fantastic. I can never forget that Blackburn night at Old Trafford and here. It was wonderful.”

(Manchester United won the league by beating Blackburn Rovers 3‐1 on May 3, 1993.

Kidd had been a United player when they won the league the previous time in 1967).

Apart from the year he spent as manager of Blackburn Rovers, a spell as Barrow manager, a few games as manager of Preston North End and two games as caretaker manager of

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“People in football are no longer patient; the fans too. Look at Arsène Wenger, who for me has done a terrific job at Arsenal. He hasn’t won a trophy for the last seven or eight years, but when you look at the balance sheet, the beautiful stadium, the teams he has produced; he’s had them in the Champions League every year. OK, he has not managed to win a trophy, but he’s done an absolutely outstanding job. I don’t know how anyone can criticise Arsène Wenger.”

Faith in God has been an important part of Brian’s life since childhood. Getting to church is important to him, and he goes most Sundays and to midweek Mass if he can fit it into the training schedule: “It is something I enjoy. It’s a pleasure for me. I enjoy it. I enjoy the tranquillity. Sometimes you don’t have to say prayers. You can just go in and reflect and it’s fantastic. That’s the way I was brought up.

“I never pray for anything for myself, because there are more important things. There are more important things than football. My attitude is ‘Thy will be done’.”

“NOWADAYS A MANAGER COULD WIN A CUP OR SOMETHING, BUT IT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. THAT’S HOW TOUGH IT’S GETTING FOR MANAGERS.”

Getty Images

The FA via Getty Images

Manchester City, Brian has mainly held assistant manager roles. He was at Manchester United in 1988‐98 serving as youth team coach before becoming assistant manager to Alex Ferguson for seven years.

After leaving United to become manager of Blackburn Rovers, he was assistant manager at Leeds United, Sheffield United, Portsmouth and England. He has been at Manchester City since 2009, briefly as youth team coach, then as assistant manager to Roberto Mancini and now current manager Manuel Pellegrini.

Brian wouldn’t say that he had always planned to become a coach; it was more a case of an opportunity coming along and taking it: “When I ended up in America, I started getting my hand in coaching and was offered the assistant manager’s job at Fort Lauderdale.

Coaching was something that I enjoyed. It’s a lovely job, a lovely job.”

So what exactly does an assistant manager do? “You are there to support and assist in any way the manager wants you to,” says Brian. “For me, that has always been the role: to support, assist and help in any way the manager sees fit and to do what he wants you to do.

“If the manager asks for your opinion, you give it. But it’s not just giving your opinion. It’s what you base your opinion on that’s important. It’s easy when your credibility is not on the line. It’s the manager who has to make some hard, tough decisions. It’s easy to say, ‘I’d do this, I’d do that’, but at the end of the day there’s only one opinion that matters and that’s the manager’s.”

Brian worked under two long‐serving legends at Manchester United: Sir Matt Busby and Sir Alex Ferguson. I wondered whether a manager was likely to enjoy such a long period in charge nowadays. “I think it will be very, very difficult,” Brian claims. “For me, Sir Matt was Mr Manchester United: how he built the club, then the tragic disaster in Munich, then he built the club up again and won the European cup in ten years. What he did for United was unbelievable, but I think in the modern game that would be extremely difficult now because of the demands on managers.

He expresses regret over the godless state of modern Britain: “A lot of people now have no religion. I think it’s very sad, but I can only speak about myself and I find it very comforting because I do believe in almighty God.” Sometimes people are surprised to see him in church and wonder whether he is a ‘Holy Joe’, but Brian has a quick answer to that: “Church is for sinners, not saints. If people ask me when they see me go to church, I say: ‘It’s for sinners, not saints, or you wouldn’t have to go to church!’”

We talked about winning and the f

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pressure on a club like City to win all the time.

“But it’s like – you’ve got to win, you’ve got to win,” he says. “When you win there are bigger demands on you. When City won the title, I said, ‘The following year it’s going to be more difficult’, which it turned out [to be].

“I think winning has always been there, but I think now it’s the money that has been brought into the game which has magnified it 1,000 times from what it was years ago; because of the materialistic money and the demands, certainly in the Premier league; the demands on managers. Nowadays a manager could win a cup or something, but it’s not good enough.

That’s how tough it’s getting for managers.”

As a Christian, is he comfortable with this emphasis on winning? “I think almighty God knows that,” Brian responds. “He’s given you that competitive edge. He has made every person in different ways. I don’t think almighty God will take that competitive edge from you.

I think the biggest thing is humility. You must have humility. But it’s the way you deal with winning and the way you deal with losing, that’s the important bit.”

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I suggested that humility was not a word I associated with professional sport and asked him to explain what he meant. “Whether somebody has got the biggest job in the football club or the most menial job in the football club, everyone’s still got self‐esteem and it’s important how you treat people,” he shares. “Treat them the way you want to be treated yourself. That’s the important thing and I’ve always been brought up on that.”

Brian Kidd comes across as a hardworking football man and a person of real integrity, who lives his life by the Christian values he learned as a boy and has never forgotten.

Rather than shouting about his faith, he lives it out in an environment where living by God’s standards cannot be easy. n Stuart Weir is passionate about Jesus Christ and about sport, and he spends his life trying to help people make the connection. He has written several books about sport and Christianity and has worked as a sports writer at Olympic, Paralympic and World Championship events. He has been to three football World Cups and was Togo’s Olympic attaché at the 2012 Olympics. Married to Lynne, he has two grown‐up children. He is a member of Kidlington Baptist Church and Frilford Heath Golf Club.

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Steering on Through C Photos supplied by Chris Lori

BY STUART WEIR

hris Lori competed for Canada as a bobsledder in the late 1980s and throughout the ’90s.

He competed in four Olympic Games (1988, 1992, 1994 and 1998), in the four‐man bob on each occasion and in the two‐man bob on two occasions. He won nine Crystal Globes for top three finishes in the Overall World Cup final standings and gained 22 World Cup medals.

He is widely regarded as the pilot who made Canada a world power in bobsledding.

Chris was always an athlete. Competing as a member of the Canadian decathlon team in the era of Daley Thompson he proved himself to be strong and fast. “There was Daley Thompson and everybody else,” he recalls. “I was one of the ‘everybody else’.” His athletics training did not go to waste, however. When Canada started a new bobsleigh programme after the 1984 Olympics, he decided to give it a go.

“One of the core elements in bobsledding is

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that you need to be a fast sprinter with strength to back it up,” he explains. “I was in the national team in track and field athletics, decathlon. So I was recruited out of track and field.” Chris made the team and was a driver from his first day on the track.

“IF YOU DON’T HAVE THE SLED IN THE RIGHT POSITION, THEN THE POWER COMPLETELY TAKES OVER AND YOU CAN END UP UPSIDE DOWN.” Steering a bob round tight corners at ridiculous speed sounds like the most exciting yet terrifying experience imaginable. Asked what it feels like, Chris says: “As the driver you have control of this object which weighs about 630kg and there is just an enormous amount of power.

“Like when the sled transitions from one corner to another and is sitting in a corner pulling about 5G, there is just an incredible amount of power. And travelling at that speed – they go up to 150kmh – you have to be extremely precise. Driving the sled is all about rhythm and timing. But if you don’t have the sled in the right position, then the power completely takes over and you can end up upside down.”

In 1987, Chris cheated death in a horrific crash in Cervinia, Italy; a track that is now closed due to the high rate of severe injuries sustained there. He broke two ribs, his clavicle and his nose as well as suffering severe lacerations to his face, shoulder, hands and thigh, which required skin grafts.

“You always think about the risks,” he says.

“Some tracks pose more risk than others. When you are executing the task you typically don’t think about the risk, you are concentrating on perfect execution of the task, which of course removes risk from the equation. After the accident, even though I had several broken bones I was back in the sled in six weeks.” f

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Photos supplied by Chris Lori

The following year, Chris recovered to qualify for his first Olympic Games. In 1990, he and his team returned to Cervinia for the second‐ to‐last World Cup race of the year. They set the track record, putting the team in a great position, and went on to win the final race in Calgary, becoming the first non‐Europeans to win the Overall World Cup in bobsleigh.

In the 1988 Calgary Olympics, Chris’s first, Canada had moved up from being ranked 30th in the world to top‐15 in the build‐up to the Games and that was exactly where they finished. In 1992, he piloted the Canadian four to fourth place in the Albertville Olympics.

Their aggregate time of 3:54.24 was just 0.11 of a second out of the medals, but that achievement is tinged with frustration.

“It was a real battle for the medals,” Chris shares. “I felt that I knew the track better than any of the other drivers and that gave me an advantage, but we were hampered by some problems within the crew. Then it emerged that two of the teams that had beaten us had illegal components in their bob and should have been disqualified, but the jury chose to ignore it so the integrity of the sport would not be placed at risk.”

Chris describes the 1994 Lillehammer Games as “nice”, but admits that the team did not perform particularly well. Two weeks before the Games they had crashed in the braking straight in St Moritz and destroyed their sled, which really put an end to their chances. They finished 11th.

“I retired after 1998; my fourth and final Olympics,” he says. “We should have won a medal. I was by far the most experienced person within the organisation, but remained subject to the decision‐making authority of the administration. It was frustrating as the team

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was poorly managed and we failed to produce a medal; a shameful waste of opportunity for which so much was sacrificed!”

They finished 11th once again and life was about to take a turn for the worse for Chris on a personal level. “When I arrived home my wife told me she was leaving, in a moment’s notice,” he recalls. “I felt that I had sacrificed so much for my sport career and wound up losing what was most important to me.” He adds: “The Olympic Games are not really my fondest memories.”

Now a foreign exchange trader in Vancouver, Chris looks back on his sports career with bittersweet memories. “I am glad I had the chance to compete for my country and am proud of what we achieved. At the same time I had a lot of disappointments and feel let down by a lot of people, but that’s life.”

Yet the crisis period was a time of new beginnings: “It was at my lowest point that God was there to pull me out. I had been raised going to church, but it wasn’t until the end of my career that I developed a relationship with the Lord.

“God has now put me in a place of having access to His wisdom and I realise that I am nothing without Jesus. My success in business is because God put me there. He used all of my experiences to bring the best into my career as a trader. I am successful only because God has enabled me. After my sport career it was like starting life over again, and through that experience my faith deepened.

“Today, when I reflect back on my life, I wouldn’t replace who I am or what I’ve been through with anything. I’m thankful to God for the suffering I endured as a result of my own decisions and actions. God now takes me back to the same place to use me for His glory.” n

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HEALTH & FITNESS

FITNESS With Phil Baines

Life is a Balancing Act

H

appy New Year! I hope you all had a lovely Christmas. You’re probably fed up of turkey, have had enough to drink and are glad to see the back of the Christmas songs and the materialism connected with Christmas.

So what of the New Year’s resolutions? Half of them probably relate to the above in terms of food and drink, and I’m sure a fair few would relate to fitness in some form or another. Most resolve to do more in some way, while others would possibly opt to do less!

It’s a balancing act. If it’s weight loss you’re after, exercise will definitely help, but losing

weight is always 70‐80% down to diet. And if you have a genuine love of running, you still need to balance this with upper body, core and leg strengthening exercises (squats and lunges are very good).

So how about incorporating balance itself into your balancing act? All you need is some sort of balance board and a few weights. The ‘bosu’ – a half fitness ball with a firm base – is very good. You can start without the balance board to get used to simply standing on one leg while you carry out various exercises.

Remember to always engage the core, which tightens the abdominal muscles. To do this, squeeze your buttocks together, lift your balls

(not with your hand, but it’s good to keep checking!) and squeeze your midriff as though you are tightening your belt.

Also remember to keep breathing. If you’re holding your breath you’re not engaging your core. Find some weights and do 12 reps, holding them at shoulder height and then pushing them above your head and bringing them together. This is called a shoulder press.

AS IN LIFE, A GOOD BALANCE REAPS GREAT DIVIDENDS. Stand on the balance board with both legs and find your balance. Slowly bend into a squat, hold for a couple of seconds and then push back up. Do 15 reps and repeat twice. You can do the same exercise on one leg, but you may well shake to begin with, so be careful.

You can do most exercises using the balance board. This makes the exercises harder and more intense, but also forces you to use your core, as this is what controls balance. If you’re wobbling slightly, the abs are forced to work together to keep you stable.

The bosu can also be used within your core work. Place your feet on the bosu and walk your hands out into a plank position with your elbows and forearms on the floor. Keep your back and legs in a nice straight line and hold for one minute or as long as you can. This again makes the plank harder as your feet will be wobbling slightly, forcing your abs to work together.

So as part of the balancing act that is life this New Year, introduce some balance work into your fitness. As in life, a good balance reaps great dividends.

Happy New Year once again and remember to enjoy your exercise. n Phil Baines is passionate about fitness and sport. He recently began a venture called Fit 4 The Challenge (www.f4tc.co.uk), which offers a range of physical challenges for diverse abilities. Phil organises each challenge and trains individuals and teams to complete them, either for charity or for personal achievement or both. Phil is married with two teenage sons.

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HEALTH & FITNESS

HEALTHY COOKING With Chef Mike Darracott

Key Lemon Pie Serves eight people

INGREDIENTS Base 250g digestive biscuits 110g melted, unsalted butter

Filling 405g condensed milk The grated zest and juice of five large lemons 300ml carton double cream 2 drops of vanilla essence

To decorate 1 sliced lemon 4 tbsp of lemon curd mixed in 1 tsp of water and spread in the middle of the dessert

METHOD 1 2 3 4 5

Lightly grease a 23cm round dish.

Mix your crushed biscuits and melted butter in a bowl.

Place in the base of your dish and press down until you have a flat base.

Chill for 10-30 minutes.

Whisk the condensed milk, cream and vanilla essence, then add the lemon juice and zest.

6 Pour the filling into the dish and chill for at least 1-3 hours.

7 Remove from the fridge, spread the lemon curd in the middle and decorate with the sliced lemons.

Michael J Darracott has been an executive chef at various large establishments. He has cooked for more than 200 people at a time, including a number of celebrities, and has published several books. For more information, visit www.chefmikedarracott.com.

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HUMOUR

PAUL KERENSA

Kneel-Down Stand-Up

Dad’s the Word

A

t what point did I start becoming my dad? Well, the transformation process has certainly begun, I know that much. I’m just waiting for the full metamorphosis: from braterpillar (commonly found under duvets) to mutterfly (principle habitat: the shed).

I recently realised that you can wear slippers at any time of the day. I always knew they were good breakfast wear, and of course fine evening apparel, but I now know that you can make your lunch in them or even move your car if you have to. I’ve even driven slipper‐clad to Tesco to buy a sandwich. Not a full shop, though; you’d get funny looks if you did that.

I RECENTLY REALISED THAT YOU CAN WEAR SLIPPERS AT ANY TIME OF THE DAY. Obviously, the major factor in my patermorphosis was becoming a dad myself.

Yes, I had high hopes that I’d cling to my pre‐ parent self. I wanted no year to have fewer Paintballing Saturdays than Ikea Saturdays.

Because then it’s a slippery slope: I’d spend my forties in B&Q, my fifties at caravan conventions, my sixties Morris dancing, my 92

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seventies writing letters to the Daily Mail and my eighties‐and‐onwards sliding down hills in bathtubs (because Last of the Summer Wine was actually a documentary).

For now, it’s a slow creep. I gradually watch less E4 and more BBC4. I can watch more than 30 seconds of Countryfile without turning off.

I find myself tutting at young women if their skirts are too short and at young men if their stares are too long. Of a weekend, I pootle. I willingly rearrange my shed. I know all the cheap petrol stations and when my car’s due for a service without looking it up. The most recent chart hit I know is about moving like Mick Jagger.

The surprising thing is, I’m enjoying the shift.

I thought I’d catch myself saying: “Watch out,

you’re wearing cords!” But instead, it’s: “Oh my.

These trousers are both warm and comfortable, with an ease of movement that the jean simply doesn’t allow.”

I took a rare drive with my dad recently. I anticipated that his car music would be scarily similar to my own now that I too can admire a Dire Straits guitar solo or hum along to Mike and The Mechanics. But no! Dad’s is far trendier than mine. He’s the one moving like Jagger and chasing pavements with his wrecking ball. I’m the one with a groovy kind of hard habit to break.

So I can’t pin it all on Dad, but I’m proud to be turning into him. In many ways I’m the sum total of him and his dad before him, and his before him. And before I get too patrilineal, let’s not forget Mum, Granny and Great Gran.

I’m created in the Father’s image, and also in my father’s image, and it’s a good thing that’s the way I’m going. Because you know what, B&Q do good parts for caravans, and I’ll gladly write to the Daily Mail to tell them so. Until then, I’ll be in the shed. n Paul Kerensa is an award‐winning stand‐up comic and author of the book So a Comedian Walks Into a Church. He co‐won a British Comedy Award for writing on the BBC’s Miranda, and the Royal Television Society (RTS) Award for Not Going Out, as well as working on other shows that history has thankfully forgotten. Visit www.paulkerensa.com or follow Paul on Twitter @paulkerensa to find out more.

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HUMOUR

TONY VINO

In Vino Veritas

Men of Letters

F

or more than two decades I have kept a Scottish shortbread tin in the attic of every house I have moved to. This tin does not contain the original contents; they were demolished long time ago by my ravenous Glaswegian Granny Nelly (yes, she was named after an elephant).

The tin now holds something much sweeter to me (no, not Jammie Dodgers! Will you please get your mind off biscuits and concentrate?!). It contains all the special letters I have collected over the years from special people from the past and from the people I am still closest to today.

Alas, I am part of the final generation of letter writers. Somewhere in the early ’90s email took

over, heralding a seismic shift in Western society that ranked up there with the transition from hunter gatherer to agrarian; horse to motorcar; and Marathon to Snickers. Plainly put, the digital bull smashed up the stationary shop and left a binary turd in the biro section.

The recent Royal Mail selloff acts as a totem of our disregard for the convention we once treasured. Every time I pop a letter in the post I’m still in awe of what an unbelievably brilliant service it is. People complain about the price of first class stamps, but try telling someone: “Here’s 60p. Take this to Aberdeen, please.”

Established in 1527, the Royal Mail has been faithfully delivering letters for almost five centuries, providing a conduit of our deepest thoughts, words and poetic expression.

Nobody gets excited anymore when the letterbox swings open, unless it’s a package with Amazon written on the front. I actually panic when I see a handwritten addressed envelope on the doormat. I instantly think, ‘Oh no! Someone’s died!’

As the art of letter writing fades we suffer a cultural loss. Sending a letter is the next best thing to physically being with someone. You buy the stationary, your fingers guide the pen and your saliva seals the envelope. Something from your world is gifted to another.

NOBODY GETS EXCITED ANYMORE WHEN THE LETTERBOX SWINGS OPEN, UNLESS IT’S A PACKAGE WITH AMAZON WRITTEN ON THE FRONT. Written correspondence has essentially shifted from composition to transmission; from reflection to spontaneity. Instant messages communicate our surface thoughts, whereas a letter communicates our being, our story; the language of the soul, rather than the ego.

There is a human connection in a letter that electronic forms of communication can never achieve.

Think about it: n A Shakespearean love sonnet could never

be reduced to a text message that said: “OMG! I ♥ U... LOL.” n Do children have to email Santa now? How disheartening if my three‐year‐old received an out‐of‐office reply saying: “Currently on

ho, ho, holiday in Malaga. If you don’t get a reply by November, try Argos online.” n The New Testament is mainly a collection of letters. Try starting a major religion with the restriction of 140 characters. Apostle Peter’s tweet to the Church in Rome: “Hands off the idols...Pork’s now Kosher #TheRock.”

So let’s do this. Let’s set aside an evening to write a letter or two as a gift to those we love the most. If you’ve got terrible handwriting just type it out… I used to cut the words out of a newspaper and stick them to the paper, but apparently that can be a bit threatening!

If you would like to respond to any issues raised in this article, please write to me at PO Box 914... Sod it, just send a text! n Tony Vino is a professional comedian who straddles the world of comedy clubs, festivals and churches. For more information see www.tonyvino.co.uk.

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COMMENT

JEFF LUCAS

Lucas Aid

The Naked Truth

modesty, no pocket New Testament. No pocket, in fact.

“Where are you from, then?” she replied, as if it was entirely normal to pass the time of day with a naked chap you’ve never met – as indeed it was for her.

“I’m from the Bible College down the road,” I testified truthfully, the surreal nature of the conversation really beginning to hit me. But surreal was about to get utterly bizarre.

“Oh, great,” she replied with bright eyes. “I go to a little brethren chapel round the corner.”

Suddenly I noticed a little gold cross on the lapel of her uniform. For just a moment I forgot that I was without trousers and was tempted to ask her about the ecclesiology and governmental system of her particular fellowship. So, how does a church with a plurality of eldership rather than a defined ministerial leader function? And were the closed brethren becoming more open?

SHE REPLIED, AS IF IT WAS ENTIRELY NORMAL TO PASS THE TIME OF DAY WITH A NAKED CHAP YOU’VE NEVER MET.

I

t was 25 years ago and I was a fresh‐ faced theological student, ready to change the world for Jesus by the following Tuesday. I was keen, to say the least. I could bellow “Praise the Lord” during worship times with a cannon‐like gusto, almost causing other more contemplative, worshippers to cardiac arrest. I was always armed to the teeth with dog‐eared tracts, and with a spring‐loaded pocket Bible ready to draw at lightning speed so I could pistol whip unsuspecting pagans.

And I assumed that my church was the best church. I viewed people from other churches affectionately – compassionately even – feeling sympathy for those who had not had the opportunity to hear about my particular church. Surely it was the pinnacle of the body of Christ worldwide. If only we could get the BBC cameras into our place, every inhabitant of planet earth would undoubtedly convert at the sight of it. Or so I surmised.

One Saturday afternoon I was not feeling led (or inclined) to assault innocent shoppers with ageing Christian literature. I decided to visit the local council‐run leisure centre, a respectable establishment, to have a sauna. Checking carefully that the session was reserved for men alone, I handed my money over to a very 96

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attractive young lady at the entrance who gave me my change and handed me a towel.

The sauna was quiet, so I visibly jumped when a 30‐stone naked man shot out of one of the cabins and hurled his massive frame into an icy pool. There was just about an inch of water encircling him. His plunge into the freezing water was a miracle of precision engineering, self‐targeting missile that he was.

Everyone was naked, shielded only by white towels that were folded perilously around their mostly expansive waists. I stripped off and stepped under one of the protruding, fizzing heads in the white‐tiled open shower area. All was going rather well, when suddenly my vigorous soaping was interrupted by a voice from behind me. As I turned round quickly, I realised – too late – that it was, in fact, a female voice. It was the blonde lady with the towel distribution ministry who I had met at the entrance. Apparently, she had stopped by for a chat.

“Hello, love, first time here is it?” She looked me straight in the eye, which caused me to be thankful. I replied that I was, indeed, a newcomer, my body rapidly turning a blotchy, embarrassed shade of red. Rats. I had no gospel tract with which to recover my

Then I realised I was becoming one of the most open brothers in the history of the church. But she didn’t bat an eyelid. Apparently, she wasn’t only a distributor of towels, she was also a retriever of them. She would meander through the sauna collecting discarded towelling and chatting with the guys as she went. They had become quite used to her, and regarded their own state of undress with the same carefree spirit that one generally enjoys in the presence of medical practitioners.

But I couldn’t contain my embarrassment; my body was so blushing red by this point that I looked like a traffic light. I mumbled “God bless you” and turned back to face the white‐ tiled wall. A brotherly handshake didn’t seem appropriate.

I’ve never been back to that leisure centre.

But I did do my bit for interdenominational unity and understanding… Naked. n Jeff Lucas is an international speaker, broadcaster and author of 22 books. He loves to communicate using humour and storytelling. He is a monthly contributor to Christianity magazine and writes daily Bible reading notes, Life Every Day. Jeff holds a teaching position at Timberline Church in Colorado and is married to Kay.

Sorted Issue 38 Jan_Feb 14 v2_Layout 1 03/12/2013 09:43 Page 97

Sorted Issue 38 Jan_Feb 14 v2_Layout 1 03/12/2013 09:44 Page 98

COMMENT

CARL BEECH

The Last Word

Encouragement?

Let’s Run With That

D

uring a 20‐mile training run (yes, 20 miles) for an upcoming marathon in Snowdonia – which I will have done by the time you read this (I may or may not be alive, however, so this could be my epitaph) – I had two moments of encouragement from the Great British public.

At approximately mile seven, a car drove past with the windows down and the occupants shouted at full volume: “Get ya knees up.”

Now, I’m always up in favour of advice and coaching, but I also thought about shouting back: “I’ve just run seven miles. Let’s see how you would get on!” The fact that the occupants didn’t look as though they would be able to get off a sofa easily crossed my mind, but being a man of God I captured the thought and ploughed on.

MUCH-NEEDED FUEL WAS PROVIDED IN THE FORM OF A POLO MINT, WHICH HE CHUCKED AT MY HEAD AS HE DROVE PAST IN A VAN WITH HIS MATE. At mile 15, another member of the public decided to help me out. This time, much‐ needed fuel was provided in the form of a Polo mint, which he chucked at my head as he drove past in a van with his mate. Unfortunately, I was unable to catch it in my mouth, so I missed the energy boost. I was, however, grateful for the slight stinging sensation on my head, which for a brief moment took my mind off the fact that I

still had five miles to go and was already feeling a bit tired.

Spurred on by these two incidents, my mind wandered to the issue of encouragement. The truth is, we live in a grumbling culture. Listen to most people and their language is that of complaint. Watch most TV dramas and they are full of gossip, intrigue, scandal and one‐ upmanship. Listen to conversations in the workplace and they are often laced with putdowns about people. What’s that all about?

Let me tell you something: it makes such a difference when someone cheers you on. You feel on top of the world when someone communicates a belief that you can do something. In addition, I would suggest that it can make a huge difference to a workplace or team when people refuse to say a bad word about the people around them. The office takes on a completely different dynamic and the team starts to function more effectively.

Just as an aside, giving people the benefit of the doubt and believing the best, at least as a first response, is a great principle.

Anyway, back to encouragement and cheering people on. It is a well‐known fact

that, while migrating, geese flying in formation all “honk”, apart from the lead goose, who stays silent. It is believed that the geese honk to encourage the formation to stay together, but also to cheer on the lead goose, who is taking the lead and most of the hit from the wind.

The next thing we learn from the mighty geese is that they rotate the lead position so that each has a chance to rest. Finally, it is now known that when a goose falls out of formation because it is sick or injured, two geese always stay with it until it either recovers or dies. No goose is left behind.

We could learn a lot from the way of the goose, don’t you think? That said, if you ever see me pounding the streets of Derbyshire, don’t chuck a mint at my head. Chuck me a goose impression instead.

Cheer someone on this week. It’ll make a huge difference! n Carl is married with two daughters. He heads up Christian Vision for Men (CVM) and founded Codelife. You can follow him on Twitter @carlfbeech and on Facebook.

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Sorted Issue 38 Jan_Feb 14 v2_Layout 1 03/12/2013 09:44 Page 99

Sorted Issue 38 Jan_Feb 14 v2_Layout 1 03/12/2013 09:44 Page 100