SYLVIA OLIVIER

Sylvia Olivier loves pranking the houses of friends and family and rezzing photos of Richard Simmons everywhere as well as hiding sweet potatoes and generally being mischievous.

I met her almost 30 years ago. It was 1993 and I was a junior in high school. There were a few clues in my life before I met her and before everything made sense.

My coming out story came in waves of realization. I always knew I was different and that I would be different, and I didn’t care about that. The thought of my family finding out or people treating me differently – is what I cared about at the time. I had a few gay friends, but it wasn’t until I met her that my feelings began to change.

It was in the school library just before lunch where I saw her, and I barely knew who she was, but I was there with my lit class getting ready to do a report on witchcraft. Without a word she came up to me and brought me a book I would need for my report. I was caught off guard because who was this girl and how did she know what I needed? We started talking just about school, and a friend we had in common, but I felt like I had touched electricity. Before I could help it, I remember getting hives just from the excitement I guess of meeting someone new.

It happened slowly; my feelings started to change. I knew this was someone that I needed in my life. I remember that she made me laugh, I felt alive around her and just ecstatic to be in her presence. I began dreaming of her and realizing something had woken up inside of me. She was slowly edging closer to me too. We would sit in the forest behind the factory, and I would read to her, and her head would be in my lap and then she started touching my thighs. It was an awakening for me. No one had ever touched me like that. I didn’t make much out of it because I wasn’t sure what was happening. I just knew I had to be around her.

She wrote me a letter telling me that she may be bisexual. I was not upset with this news, but I just didn’t know what to say at the time. I hid the letter in my drawer and when I came home one day, my mom and step-monster were waiting for me after I took a shower. They sat me down and handed me the letter. They told me that I was forbidden to see her, or they would tell her parents what she wrote in the letter. I didn’t want to be the reason she got into trouble. She was moving away that year and it would be harder to see her anyhow but I kind of ghosted her because I didn’t want her to get in trouble because of the letter. My heart felt torn into pieces. I remember that summer being hard. I would sit in the driveway drawing our symbols for each other her the moon and I the sun and I would draw them together as an eclipse. I knew I was falling in love.

I went away to summer camp that year for journalism. I was at one of the universities an hour away and I used the pay phone to call her. I missed her so much and she had missed me too, but she was angry with me for disappearing. My heart was still torn, and I sent her a card from the gift shop. I remember it was about missing someone and I poured my heart out to her in a letter and asked her to send her response to my friend Jim.

She responded and she missed me too, she gave me her new phone number and asked me to call her when I could. I was with my grandparents for the weekend but found a pay phone and called her. We confessed that we loved each other, and I told her how much I missed her. I just remember feeling so much love that day and relief that she still loved me too. I would send letters to her house and then my friend Jim would bring me her letters at school for the whole school year. We got to see each other a few times that year and I had my first kiss too as a senior in high school. Our story was rough but at the time we did the best we could, being queer in the 90’s had its challenges but because I was in love it didn’t matter, I’d do it again if I could.

I remember still being at the end of high school and coming out to my grandmother. I sat her down and told her that I had something serious to tell her and when I did, she was like THANK GOD, I THOUGHT YOU WERE PREGNANT! Nana loved me no matter what. The rest of my family ended up being mostly ok with it except for my mom and step-monster. I told my mom on my 18th birthday after I moved out. It was rough for a few years, but she eventually came around and left the step-monster who gave me the hardest time of anyone.

My biggest take away is that I never felt ashamed for having attraction to women – I was only worried about what the people around me would think or that they would love me less, but it never made me love myself less.

The people that really mattered never loved me less either. It was such a relief to just say it. It was something that had bubbled up inside of me for so long and when I could finally just tell people how in love I was, it was an amazing feeling to just simply live as myself.