THE CEILING FAN IS SPINNING AND I TRY TO FOLLOW IT BUT IT MAKES ME DIZZY SO I CLOSE MY EYES AND LAY ON MY BED AND LISTEN TO THE THROBBING PULSE THAT
KNOCKS ON MY EYELIDS AND THUMPS INSIDE MY SKULL AND I CAN’T SLEEP IT’S DARK BUT I CAN’T SLEEP.
MY MOTHER SAYS I HAVE A BAD HABIT OF CHEWING MY LIPS AND WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I CHEWED THEM WHEN I WAS NERVOUS AND NOW I JUST CHEW
THEM ALL THE TIME AND THEY AREN’T EVEN LIPS ANYMORE THEY’RE SCABBED AND RAW AND IT HURTS TO EAT SO I DON’T.
I DON’T GO TO SCHOOL ANYMORE, THEY THINK IT’S NOT SAFE FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME TO BE AMONG ALL THOSE PEOPLE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BECAUSE EVEN
THOUGH I’VE THOUGHT ABOUT HURTING THEM I WOULDN’T ACTUALLY DO IT BUT MY MOTHER TOLD ME TO STAY HOME AND BESIDES I HAVE NOTHING TO SHOOT THEM WITH.
I’VE LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT AND IT’S ONLY BEEN THREE MONTHS SINCE I’VE BEEN HOME AND I’M ALREADY DOWN THIRTY POUNDS I’M ONLY 113 NOW I USED TO BE 143
AND FOR SOME REASON I LIKE THAT I LOST EXACTLY THIRTY POUNDS IN THREE MONTHS THAT’S TEN POUNDS A MONTH AND IT SATISFIES THE LONGING FOR ORDER IN MY MIND.
MY FAVORITE COLOR IS RED NOT REGULAR RED BUT DEEP DARK RED THE COLOR THAT CREEPS DOWN MY NOSTRILS WHEN I HAVE MY NOSEBLEEDS WITH
THE COLD TINGLING SENSATION THAT STARTS IN THE BACK OF MY THROAT AND RUNS DOWN MY PHILTRUM AND POOLS ON MY OUTSTRETCHED TONGUE.
I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR TODAY AND I SAW A GHOST SOMETHING STANDING WHERE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING THIN AND FRAIL EATING ITSELF
something bony and sharp and strangely beautiful in a fragile way because of my jutting collarbones and defined ribs and long thin legs that quiver when I stand.
today was a long day since my mother wants me to go back to school and so she was doing paperwork to sign me up for the next school year and she
made me sign my name on everything but I haven’t written in so long that I can’t really write so I just scribbled a line instead.
I keep dreaming the dreams where I go back to school and I hurt people and I don’t actually mind them at all they make me feel better I’m just scared that someone will look into
my brain while I’m sleeping and they’ll see all of the blood and they’ll send me back to the hospital and I don’t wanna go back.
tomorrow is my first day back at school and my mother is making me eat too much and making me wear stiff new clothes that I don’t want to wear and is packing my bag
for me as if I’m going far away and I don’t want to go I don’t want to go I don’t want to go.
I am sitting in the lunch room and no one has even noticed that I’m here and I feel like a ghost maybe I am a ghost maybe I died a long time ago and that’s why
not even the teachers have acknowledged me even the office lady stared only at my mother who was weeping.
it is my third day back at school and for the first time someone sat down next to me at lunch he stuck out his hand and asked me my name and I mumbled it and he asked
me again and I wouldn’t tell him because I don’t like my name so he just decided to call me “kid.”
the boy’s name is antonio and he is taller than me and fatter than me and smarter than me but it’s okay because he has a soft smile
that makes me feel calm for some reason and when he talks his voice seems to crawl into my ears and burrow into my brain and I like it.
Antonio never eats lunch and neither do I we just sit in the very middle of the lunch room where no one else wants to sit because it’s
SO FAR FROM THE CAFETERIA BUT I DON’T MIND AND NEITHER DOES ANTONIO BECAUSE AFTER ALL WE DON’T EAT TO BEGIN WITH.
TODAY I WOKE UP AND I WASN’T SURE WHAT WAS GOING ON EVERYTHING WAS SPINNING AND IT WAS SCARY AND I COULDN’T TELL WHICH WAY WAS UP OR DOWN OR
LEFT OR RIGHT SO I TRIED TO GO BACK TO MY BED BUT I FELL BECAUSE EVERYTHING WAS SPINNING AND IT WAS SCARY.
ANTONIO ASKED ME IF HE COULD MEET MY FAMILY AND I STARTED TO CRY AND I HAVEN’T CRIED IN A LONG TIME AND HE PUT HIS HAND ON MY SHOULDER AND
I KEPT CRYING AND I DIDN’T WANT HIM TOUCHING ME I DIDN’T WANT HIM TOUCHING ME BUT I COULDN’T SPEAK BECAUSE I WAS CRYING TOO MUCH.
MY MOTHER WANTS ME TO TRY DRIVING AGAIN SO I AM GOING TO GET INTO THE CAR AND SIT IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT AND BUCKLE MY SEATBELT AND FOCUS ON THE
ROAD NOT ON ANYTHING ELSE AND I WILL START TO CRY AND NOT BE ABLE TO SEE AND WILL CRASH THE CAR AND I WILL DIE AND I WILL FINALLY BE HAPPY.
I FEEL LIKE NOTHING IS LEFT JUST A SHELL OF ME AND SOMETHING MY MOTHER USED TO SAY IS LOOPING IN MY MIND SHE USED TO SAY SHE FELT BLUE
AND THAT’S WHAT I FEEL I FEEL BLUE I FEEL BLUE AND IT’S NEVER GOING TO STOP SO I AM GOING TO TAKE A DRIVE.