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OTHELLO
Lowell Davies Festival Theatre June 22 - July 27, 2014 San Diego, CA
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VOL4, NO 18 | JUL/AUG/SEP 2014
Content COVER STORY 15 Not Meant To Be Alone
A fun filled conversation with television host, author, and professional matchmaker, Paul Carrick Brunson. He shares wisdom nuggets on how to identify and maintain healthy relationships with your spouse or significant other. Interview By: Tess Rutherford
FEATURES 12 Maximize Your Relationships
Former NFL player turn pastor shares practical tips on how to get the most out of any relationship whether it is platonic, marital, or professional. By: Terrell Fletcher
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Do You Have Love List? Do you have a list of qualities you are looking for in a man or woman? Discover the importance of being specific with your requests. By: Ozara OdĂŠ
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Freedom Over Misery Encouraging and helpful tips for walking in freedom instead of misery By: Melissa Drobnak
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A Taste of Rock Boy Fresh Discover the backdrop behind the band and their new album.
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Yellow Flags: Abusive Relationship Learn the warning signs of an abusive relationship
IN EVERY ISSUE: 7 Letter from CEO/Publisher 8 Laughter for the Soul: Diary of A Working Mom 22 Spotlight Book Review 5 Readers’ Voice 3
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CEO/Publisher Tess Rutherford
Editor Denielle Palmer
Graphic Artist Assistant Imari Rutherford
HELP WANTED: Graphic Artists, Videographers, Photographers, Writers, Marketing and Sales, Beauty and Fashion
Empowered Magazine is published quarterly: Jan/Feb/Mar, Apr/May/Jun, Jul/Aug/Sep, Oct/Nov/Dec online and in print. Tess Rutherford, President/CEO. Online subscriptions: Free. Printed subscriptions: $5 - $8. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited. It is the mission of Empowered to provide a quality publication to enlighten, educate, and empower our readers to reach beyond themselves and soar by riding on the strength of God’s power. Advertising content does not necessarily reprensent endorsement or support. We cannot guarantee the completeness, truthfulness, accuracy, or reliability of any Content. For submissions and orders contact us: Empowered Magazine Address P.O. Box 880552, San Diego, CA 92168 Email info@empoweredmagonline.com Website http://empoweredmagonline.com
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Readers’ VOICE
We Love To Hear From You! The cover story features Hollywood Exes star, Sheree Fletcher and husband, Pastor Terrell Fletcher (former NFL player) discussing single parenting, career moves, and relocating. The featured stories include the moving testimony of a Hurricane Katrina survivor, helpful tips on navigating the vicissitudes of life, an inspirational piece on the ocean and how it describes the magnitude of God and another poem on what Jesus went through just for you.
Your feedback helps us better serve you!!
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Not Meant To Be Alone
An engaging and enlightening conversation with television host, author, and professional matchmaker, Paul Carrick Brunson. page 15 Photos Courtesy of:Paul Carrick Brunson
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Letter from CEO/Publisher Tess Rutherford The theme for this issue is centered around relationships. Our relationship with our friends, family, spouse, and significant other all play a vital role in who we are becoming. But before we kick-start work on fortifying these relationships, it is critical that we first get a handle on our relationship with self. How do we view ourselves? Do we value who we are? Do we recognize and celebrate our strengths? Do we appreciate the beauty of who God created us to be? There is nothing more attractive than a person who knows who they are and where they are going. Many times, we cannot seem to get our relationship with others in order because we, ourselves, are undergoing an identity crisis. In Steve Harvey’s popular book, How To Think Like A Man, he mentions that men are unable to give their all to a woman if they are struggling to find their own way. I concur with Steve and ideally this extends beyond a dating relationships. I can remember a time in my life where I struggled with identity. After I had given my life to Christ, I assumed that which was, which is, and which will be were triplets. Never in my wildest dreams did I believe God had a plan in store that would be greater than my past. Peo-
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ple, who lack purpose, are prone to jealousy, bitterness, rage, and envy. They are inclined to wrap themselves up in other people’s ‘interesting’ life. When we are unhappy with our own life, the easiest thing to do is to criticize and judge the life of the happy. Adolescents are not the only human beings who suffer from an identity crisis. At a much deeper level, it happens far more with adults. For me, my lack of purpose made me apathetic towards everything. I had no dreams, no desires, and nothing to look forward to. But I am ever so grateful that God still speaks to us today. I can recall a man of God paying a visit to my church and he began to read my resume. He told me all about that which I was feeling and summarized where I had been. He proceeded to say, “God has a purpose for your life. You have not yet arrived but you are on your way.” Boy…I tell you… there is nothing sweeter than hearing the voice of God. After I received this revelation, my countenance changed, my outlook changed. I stopped meandering through life and started running. I became ambitious about everything. Jesus held the key to the mystery of me and I had to search Him
to unlock the mystery of who I was. The truth is we receive our identity through Christ. 1 Peter 2:10 It is because of Him, we are somebody. It is because of Him, we play a part in His collective purpose. It is because of Him, life has meaning. If you are struggling with your identity, begin to grope for the Lord. Pester Him. Plead to Him. Cry to Him. Ask Him about His assignment for your life. Keep asking until He reveals it to you. Be sure to pay attention to your surroundings because God is spontaneous and He speaks in creative ways. I pray you are blessed by the articles in this issue. God has great things in store for you and you must believe this more than anyone else. Okay? Blessings!
Tess
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Diary of A Working Mom
By: Denielle Palmer
I can’t believe it. My middle child - my Maryis in Middle School. She has many new responsibilities now, like getting braces, changing classes, remembering her locker combination and applying deodorant more than once a week. On top of all of this pressure, she’s going to her end of year dance tonight. I decided that I would go with Mary and be a chaperone. I don’t think I have to worry too much, because she’s more interested in catching lizards than catching boys. I reckon having a younger brother spoiled her curiosity about the opposite sex. Even though she knows how disgusting, smelly, and rude they are at times, I know that peer pressure can make a girl do silly things. I will be the all-seeing, all-knowing parental presence at the dance.
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Be afraid. Of course, I don’t want to drive her away from me, so the two of us sat down and made a list of no-nos. Things she should NOT do: • Go outside without me. • Kiss, hold hands, or touch a boy - they have cooties. Kicking, pushing, and biting are OK (when needed). I mentioned that if she slow danced with a boy, I would be watching his hands and if they go anywhere they shouldn’t, I’ll be on him like flies on a pig. The list of rules for me was a bit bigger.
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Things I should NOT say in front of her friends: • “Isn’t it great that you can wear a REAL bra now?” • “Which outfit for Barbie do you want this Christmas?” • “See?! No one cares if I won’t let you shave your legs yet.” • “Did you wash your hands after going to the potty?” • “I had better pick off the pepperoni on my pizza - it gives me gas.” • “Isn’t he the one that eats his boogers?” Things I should NOT do in front of her friends (or anyone else she knows or anyone that might remotely know her): • Sing along loudly to the music - especially if I don’t know the words.
• Dance, much less dance with any teacher (especially the principal). • Make a kissy face any time a boy talks to her. • Bring her brother. • Show her friends how to make whimsical music under their arms using a simple straw. • Walk around with a video recorder and narrate, “Lookie! There’s Mommy’s Princess! Isn’t she cute talking to her little friends?” • Become introspective about my youth in the 70’s and teach her friends how to do the Hustle and the Bump. • Request the DJ to play “Staying Alive” or “You Make Me Feel Like Dancin’” or “Copacabana.” • And as an afterthought, she asked, “Mom, you’re not going to write about this are you?” Uh, oh.
DENIELLE PALMER
Denielle’s love of the written word started at a very young age. Before long, stories of princesses and puppies gave way to more ambitious ventures. Having been published in college, where she earned her degree in Linguistics with an emphasis on Grammar, she moved forward to begin a career in the healthcare field, writing, editing and updating policies and procedures for many practices throughout San Diego. In 2002, she received a Master’s Degree in IT management and began using her skills to bridge the communication gap between IT and Finance Departments. She cherishes her three children, Kate -23, Mary Rose -12 and Matthew-11, her friends, her faith and a good, strong cup of coffee. Contact: email: denielleppalmer@gmail.com
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Before GOD
By: Ron Britton
Before God, as we stand here at the altar of promise, I vow the ultimate pledge of sacrificial offering - giving myself to you and you alone. Before God, I said I’ll do whatever it takes to ensure me and your happiness, until I breathe my last breath here on this earth. Before God, I choose to walk the path of happy ever after or travel through the valley of death where I’m willing to protect the love of my life until death do us part. Before God, I swear oneness, singleness, and wholeness so that my words I’ve spoken before the Creator shall never be broken nor violated by any acts of dishonor that would diminish the truth I’ve spoken on the day I said I love you. Before God, I hold the hand of the one I’m so in love with, staring into the eyes of my vision of hope, with the kiss I seal my soul with hers, holding her body, I will never allow another to make her feel the way I make her feel. Before God, I do this that she may know I’m the man she wanted all the days of her life, and for that, no other can touch her soul the way I do, because she is my soul mate. Before God.
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RON BRITTON
He is a“Poetic Novelist” which means he writes novels in the form of poetry. He is an author, mentor, and teacher as well. He writes on the topics of boys to men and relationships. Also, he writes children books, songs, and plays. Contact: email: britton415@hotmail.com phone: (619) 415-7196.
Everyone has emotions including God in all His potency. Although every human being is susceptible to emotions, all must gain a handle on how to react and respond appropriately to external stimuli (e.g. circumstances, people, and the devil). Emotional disturbances are hazardous to our health. They can form huge obstacles in our decision making, our reaction towards others, and our walk with God if left uncontrolled. This book explores 52 negative human emotions and provides biblical principles to controlling one’s emotions God’s way. The book is available at Berean’s bookstore, Barnes and Noble, Amazon, tessrutherford.com and many other internet sites!
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MAXIMIZE Your Relationships By: Terrell Fletcher In the era of ‘self’ discovery, it is important to realize that we have to strike a balance between managing ourselves and trying to manage the people in our lives. As you learn more about yourself, never forget that you are still a piece of a larger collective. How you fit into this larger collective is often the key to acceptance and rejection or success and failure. Therefore, at the top of the list of your best and greatest commodities don’t forget to add ‘the relationships you’ve built’. Yes, the people in your life are important resources. It’s not just about your personality, intellect, wisdom, or educationit’s the collective of people associated with your life and your dreams that make life worth living and your dreams attainable. How you handle and manage relationships should carry a large focus for how you live life from day to day. There is nothing in life that can be accomplished and sustained alone for long periods of time. Love, business, faith, recreation etc, all require other people in order to maximize the joy associated with them. With
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that in mind, I have 3 relationship principles that I think will help you no matter what kind of relationship you enter. 1. Relationships Must Have Some Form of Reciprocity—There really is no such thing as a one sided relationship that is considered healthy. Every person in any type of relationship is engaged in it, at least in part because of what they receive from the relationship. You get married or have friends because of something they provide; they make you laugh, support you, encourage you, keep you from being lonely, or like to be the object of your affection. We enter business relationships because they can further our pursuits and help us make money. There is nothing wrong with expecting something from a relationship. The people that you associate with should provide something meaningful to your life. Expecting that creates the balance necessary to give the relationship worth. Any relationship without reciprocity should be reevaluated. One-sided relationships are fertile grounds for bitterness and anger.
2. Relationships Won’t, Nor Do They Have to, Last Forever - As common as they begin, relationships end. Understand that sometimes departing is as natural as arriving. The fantasy is, that in an ideal world everyone we meet will remain in our life for our whole life. However, in the REAL world, that doesn’t happen. Businesses outgrow partnerships, married people get divorced, and circumstances with friends change. Every relationship does not last forever. And while I am certain, you, like me, may have a few people that have endured your lifetime, the largest majority of people you have connected with are gone- and sometimes your life is possibly better for it! But just because life may be better without them, doesn’t mean that endings have to always have drama. Some endings are necessary but the drama is not. Don’t let the pain of the situation aggravate you unnecessarily. In fact, if you can end relationships well, you will be that much healthier to begin a new one.
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3. Learn to Compartmentalize Your Relationship Virtues from Your Relationship Issues- Your relationship virtues and issues are two different things. One should have nothing to do with the other. The virtues that keep your private and working relationships together (trust, teamwork, togetherness, reciprocity, laughter, common goals) are virtues that make the journey enjoyable. Issues (jealousy, anger, greed, differing opinions) are hurdles that may come up in many relationships. When relationships break down, it’s usually not because of issues alone, it’s because we’ve allowed the issues to overtake the virtues. Too often we give basic life issues free license to destroy the joy of virtues. Every loss is not because of a poor choice or bad decision; sometimes there are variables beyond our control that contribute as
well. You can blame your friends, partner, spouse for these losses, but it doesn’t help the unity of your journey together, and robs you of experiencing the joys associated with the connection. Consider the fun of tandem kayaking on the open river; the success and joy of kayaking in tandem is found when there is rhythm between the two kayakers rowing strokes. If one pulls harder than the other or if by some chance the two get off rhythm, they run a high risk of stalling, capsizing or being over taken by the currents. The currents pose a real threat to a tandem not in rhythm. It behooves the rowers to focus on each other and the rhythm they have to keep, instead of focusing on the currents. If by chance a strong current causes one of the rowers to lose pace, it is still in the best interest of the tandem to focus on each other and get back in sync. They will survive better
and have a more enjoyable ride together working in rhythm instead of allowing the current to defeat the rhythm of the team. For the sake of this article, I want you to notice that the current is coming no matter what the kayakers do. If they row in rhythm or not, the currents will come. Good kayaking tandems understand that their rhythm and the currents are two different situations. They further understand that by dealing with their rhythm they automatically solve the largest problem caused by the currents. Currents in life come all the time. You don’t have to let them rob you from experiencing the joys of being in a solid and healthy relationship.
TERRELL FLETCHER
He is continuing to passionately answer God’s call as the Senior Pastor/Founder of the City Of Hope International- a thriving multi-cultural, non-denominational ministry based in San Diego, CA. Pastor Fletcher is an energizing and motivating pastor and evangelist who carries an anointing for this generation. His concern has made him an increasingly popular social advocate, who has proven himself willing to speak for the voiceless and broken in our societies. Pastor Terrell carries a Bachelors degree from the University of Wisconsin in English literature, and a Masters degree in Religious Studies from San Diego Seminary. He balances his life with his lovely and anointed wife Sheree and his “bonus” son, Trey. Connect: Twitter: https://twitter.com/terrellfletcher Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/TerrellFletcher/315443908483518?fref=ts
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Not Meant To Be Alone Interview By: Tess Rutherford 15
Paul Carrick Brunson co-hosted a show on OWN titled Lovetown, USA. He is also the author of “It’s Complicated (But It Doesn’t Have to Be): A Modern-Day Guide to Finding and Keeping Love.” And for the singles, he is a professional matchmaker!! His matchmaking agency is recognized as one of the top and most successful in the country. In addition to the above, he is also a successful entrepreneur, a mentor, life coach, husband, and a father. We were blessed to sit and chat with him a bit over some lessons he has learned regarding relationships. Read the transcript of our conversation below.
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What is your take on the high percentage of single black women? This is a loaded question which typically carries a negative connotation. The fact is there are a significant number of singles in every ethnicity. There are other ethnic groups that have much higher challenges. Let us consider Asian men for example; women control the dating game. Asian men are required to provide the women their financial statement. I am from Jamaica and they have the strongest marriage rates. Even still the culture is not like it was thirty years ago. Doesn’t matter the ethnicity, culture, or background, everyone has challenges. How does one discern that they are meant to be alone?
Is it becoming more difficult to find love? No, but it is becoming more difficult to find relationships. Thirty years ago some couples met and didn’t fall in love until way into the marriage. They didn’t love each other initially but it happened later. They stuck by one
someone they don’t love. To reinforce its definition, it’s framed around friendship, intimacy, and commitment. How does faith play a role in relationships in general? Our values play the largest role
in relationships. I did a blog piece on how to identify values. I believe everyone is meant to This is the most important exhave companionship. Marriage ercise on the planet that people is not for everyone but we, as can do. One of my top values is human beings, are not meant spirituality. I have others such to be alone. The first chapter of as family, ambition, and cremy book, “It’s Complicated But ativity, but spirituality is a top It Doesn’t have To Be”, I discuss value of mine and it ties into my how marriage is not designed for close knitted relationships. The everyone. I have the reader repeople that I have the strongest spond to a series of survey quesrelationships with need to share tions to help them answer this my values. This does not only question for themselves. You include my wife. It includes my have to self-reflect and ask yourinner circle and staff members. self if you are prepared for everyWe all share the same values and thing in your life to go from all when you share the same values about “you” to all about “us” - all What is love? with someone, they are a person about “we”. If yes, then you are ready. But, before you proceed, Love is about friendship, inti- you can ultimately trust. Faith it is vitally important to know macy and commitment. Inti- and spirituality doesn’t play a your personality, non- starters, macy doesn’t have to be just sex, role in everyone’s relationship. and know if you are ready to be either. This is inclusive of close- If they don’t have that specific vulnerable. Is your self-esteem ness and trust as well. There is value they can connect on other high? These are some things to no pinnacle to love. Love is a things, but for me that’s importhink about when evaluating continuum. One cannot be in tant because it is one of my top a committed relationship with values. your preparedness level. 16 Jul/Aug/Sep 2014 | http://empoweredmagonline.com another. They treated marriage more like a partnership. However, today, we refuse to marry someone if the love isn’t there. Right outside the gate, we will decide that we’re not proceeding forward. Current day, we are working through things like: What does love look like? How do we know that this person is the right one for us? Ultimately, it’s hard for us to be in a committed relationship if we are evaluating whether or not we love that person.
What in your mind, is the sole purpose of marriage? I don’t know if there is a sole purpose for marriage, but I want to elaborate on a purpose in marriage that is not talked about. When two people come together as one, they are ride or die. It becomes all about these two people and how they interact and relate. I have been married for 13 years. I think the main purpose of marriage is all about self – it’s all about you. Think of yourself as a block of stone and what’s happening in your marriage is you are getting chiseled away. You’re getting defined and ultimately you transform into a beautiful statue created through the hard times and good times. There stands a statue of you and it is just you. It is the journey of self. What makes marriage hard and what makes it easy? At the end of the day it is all about values. If you don’t share your partner’s values, it opens the door for trouble. Every Sunday, I want to attend worship services and listen to a sermon by Pastor Lance Watson. If my spouse doesn’t share this top priority, naturally it would create great conflict. If you have the same values, it makes things easy. If you have different values, it makes things hard. Personality makes it easy or hard as well. Chemistry is a gravely misunderstood term in dating. We think of chemistry as this unknown, mystical happening that occurs between two people. To me this is not what chemistry is. Chemistry has a lot to do with how effectively you
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communicate with your significant other. How do the two of you ebb and flow? Chemistry is important in a relationship because if you can’t communicate or cannot resolve problems, then you should not be in that relationship. This is not limited to romance alone, this concept can be applied to business as well. It’s important to know your personality type and the personality of your partner. Do you have complimentary or conflicting personality types? There is a personality type called an analyst who always wants to be right and never wrong. Imagine, if you will, two analysts in a disagreement. The situation would be terrible. Having a complimentary personality type will make things go easier and a contradictory personality type will make things go harder. Fundamentals of a relationship: values, attraction, non-starters. If all jive right, it makes things flow seamlessly. Do you have your clients go through the personality typing for your matchmaking services? We start everyone in the analysis phase where we interview family, friends, previous boyfriends, and we also perform an extensive interview with the client. The whole idea is to understand who the client thinks he is compared to how others see him. We then work to fill the gap between the two and that’s really where the coaching comes in. How do you determine the success of the company?
We have lots of different metrics of success. We are a for-profit organization so obviously we review our profit law statements, managerial, business, and financial metrics. We measure and analyze metrics around quality of the service by conducting exit interviews, reviewing our ratings, and analyzing the relationship matches along with the number of meet-ups. Overall, we look at the health of the business holistically and tie that with our bottom line. What is your most recent discovery about relationships? Love comes in unexpected packages at unexpected times. I know this is contradictory for me to say, coming from the brokering of love field which is, might I add, not really what we do. We help to coach people so that they are doing everything possible to be loved, to meet people, to recognize if someone is a good match, to love themselves, to be open to vulnerability. Ultimately, I cannot decide when it’s your season, only one person has control over that. If we know we cannot control the season, then we know that love is unexpected. In regard to packages, we all have the type of guy or gal that we want. What I see playout time and time again is they block out potential candidates because of their ‘type’. Luckily, we help break them down. And soon enough, they will go out with the guy with dirty fingernails and end up falling. Love comes in a package that we don’t expect.
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What is the vision of Paul Carrick Brunson Agency? I don’t have one. I’m a serial entrepreneur. I run several businesses and sold one in the past. This is the first business I been involved with that does not have a business plan. Yes, I have targeted goals. You cannot have something that isn’t smart, re-
alistic, attainable, and timely. What I am doing is focusing on how we can add the most value in the market space. A friend of mine recently tweeted, “Focus on value and everything else will take care of itself”. I totally agree with this statement.
Connect with Paul: Twitter: https://twitter.com/ PaulCBrunson Facebook: https:// www.facebook.com/ PaulCBrunson?fref=ts Website: http://paulcbrunson. com/
Got a compelling story? Empowered Magazine wants to hear from you. We are constantly looking for inspiring material. Send your story to editor@empoweredmagonline.com. 18
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Freedom Over Misery By: Melissa Drobnak If you knew you could choose freedom or misery in any situation, which would you choose? If you knew there was a solution to letting go of decades of resentment and a way to maintain your joy even amidst the daily disappointments of unmet expectations in relationships, would you choose to apply that principle? While these may seem like silly questions with obvious answers, what we don’t always realize is that by our very attitudes, judgments, and perspectives of people and situations, we often choose to stay in the land of relationship misery. We can find ourselves feeling stuck and hopeless in our relationships when there really IS another more fulfilling way to live! The journey toward freedom and joy in relationships begins with a simple word, a word that is one of the foundations for any healthy relationship: Acceptance.
tional misery: “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life —unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation...” Anyone who is seeking deep, intimate, satisfying relationships will benefit from the soul searching required to begin the journey of acceptance. It is not easy to accept others. After all, people can be rude, demanding, controlling, irritating, and judgmental, not to mention liars, manipulators, gossipers, and cheaters! However, if we want to enjoy the abundant life Jesus came to bring (John 10:10), we will benefit from growing a heart of acceptance for others.
book Keep Your Love On, states that “unconditional acceptance is the foundation of healthy relationships.” So, what exactly is unconditional acceptance? According to Silk in Defining the Relationship, unconditional acceptance says that: • Though you are very different, I accept who you are. • You get to be you and I get to be me. • I accept the fact that I can’t control you and you can’t control me. The goal is not to make you into me or to gain control over you, but to build a relationship that is strong enough that we manage ourselves to protect our connection.
Considering the above definition of unconditional ac The issue of unmet ex- ceptance, imagine this scenario: pectations is prevalent in nearly A wife has the expectation that every type of relationship. If her husband will take out the acceptance is the answer to so trash whenever it is full. How The Big Book of Alcohol- many relational problems, then ever, the reality is that her husics Anonymous has a powerful you might be wondering how to band fails to meet this expecand empowering statement that apply this concept to your life. tation at least 50% of the time. offers hope to any person seek- Danny Silk, co-founder of Lov- What are the wife’s options in ing a way out of the land of rela- ing on Purpose and author of the this scenario? 20 Jul/Aug/Sep 2014 | http://empoweredmagonline.com
1) If she wants to stay in the land of misery, she could: complain, criticize, and judge her husband (this response could lead to increased tension, lack of connection, and continued disappointment). OR 2) She could accept her husband’s lack of follow through and a) do the task herself or b) exercise assertive communication while also honoring him and maintaining connection “Honey, I appreciate when you help with the chores (affirmation), but I feel disappointed when you don’t take out the trash. (assertiveness, “I feel statement”) I understand that you have had a busy week (believing the best in him) and have been exhausted (showing understanding.) What is a more realistic plan for next week’s chores that we can both agree on?” (seeking solution and maintaining connection) If you repeatedly find yourself disappointed with others and unsatisfied in your relationships, you might consider applying the following exercise to your life.
expectations? What is the reality I am experiencing? (If you’re a visual person, you might draw this on paper showing the distance between the two, leaving open space in the middle.) 2) If there is a gap between the expectations and reality, which is usually true, decide how you will fill the gap. 3) If you’re seeking freedom and joy, what is holding you back? Are you harboring resentment? If so, seek God in beginning the process of forgiveness. This process can be used for minor offenses as well as longstanding areas of resentment
titude or judgment, your heart will be free to extend unconditional acceptance. (You could write down the words that you want to fill the gap with, such as understanding, believing the best in them, etc.) 5) Repeat steps 1-4 as often as necessary until your heart and mind are renewed and your reflex response is to extend mercy and acceptance. Clarification: Offering unconditional acceptance does NOT mean agreement. It is possible to accept someone (a position of the heart) and disagree
The journey toward freedom and joy in relationships begins with a simple word, a word that is one of the foundations for any healthy relationship: Acceptance. a) Name the offense: “He continues to not follow through on his word and to take the trash out.” b) Acknowledge how you feel: “I feel disappointed and bitter after years of him not keeping his word with household chores.” c) Pray and ask God to help you release the anger/bitterness, etc... (letter writing, physical activity, verbal processing, etc.) d) Pray and ask God to bring healing to your heart and to empower you to have unconditional acceptance of your spouse/family member.
with their position or value. You can honor the other person and maintain the relationship without agreeing with their perspective on a situation. Acceptance also does not mean passivity. You can accept another human being and still use assertive communication, setting boundaries in order to protect yourself emotionally or physically. Acceptance of another person does not always mean that you stay in a relationship with them; acceptance does mean your heart has moved from a place of judgment and criticism to mercy and understanding so that you are no longer harboring negativity toward them.
1) In any relationship that you are struggling with feelings 4) Once you’ve released any of resentment or disappoint- obstacle that is hindering you ment, ask yourself: What are my such as a negative emotion, at21 Jul/Aug/Sep 2014 | http://empoweredmagonline.com
Acceptance will require humility, honesty, understanding, sacrifice, mercy, forgiveness, and courage. However, regardless of the offense, it is possible to gain a heart of acceptance toward others. After all, God doesn’t call His children to a standard we can’t fulfill. By the power of the Holy Spirit within us, He empowers us to “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” (Romans 15:7) This is good news! We do not have to stay stuck in the land of relational misery. The choice is yours: How will you choose to fill the gap?
Additional Resource If you struggle with unmet expectations in relationships and are looking for additional information about how to bridge the gap and find fulfillment in relationships, I highly recommend Andy Stanly’s message from Northpoint Community Church Life Apps series: Trust (April 10, 2011)http://northpoint.org/messages/life_apps/ the-trust-app/. It has been the most transformational message on relational wisdom that I have heard in the last two years and has served as part of the inspiration behind this article..
Melissa Drobnak
She is the full time Addictions Counselor, Axiom Campus Ministry at University of Illinois who has an M.A. in Christian Education and an M.A. in Counseling. Contact: email: melissadrobnak@gmail.com website: http://forevergratefulone.tumblr.com/
It’s Complicated: But It Doesn’t Have to Be
The “Modern Day Matchmaker” presents a refreshingly optimistic and plainspoken dating guide to finding romance—both on- and off-line. Finding and keeping a mate has never been harder. New rules are needed to navigate the complicated and changing modern-love landscape. If someone wants to find “the one,” what are the guidelines he or she needs to know, now that online dating and Google-searching a prospective love interest are the norm? In It’s Complicated (But It Doesn’t Have to Be), Brunson tackles relevant questions such as: •
Is marriage right for my personality type?
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Do the rules of chivalry still apply?
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How can I date more than one person without hurt feelings?
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What is the best mode of communication (text messages, phone, email, etc.) for asking someone out?
With an appealing mix of humor, candor, and real-world examples, It’s Complicated (But It Doesn’t Have to Be) is a breath of fresh air in the dating guide category, offering a message of eternal optimism from a man who
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believes in true love—and practices what he preaches.
Jul/Aug/Sep 2014 | http://empoweredmagonline.com
A Taste of Rock Boy Fresh A big aspect of Rock Boy Fresh (RBF) is Forgiveness. Rock Boy Fresh group promotes self-denial, the Word of God, Jesus Christ, along with His Love for us! We want to tell the world who Jesus is and what He has done for us and what He can do for them!
tively for the purpose of strengthening our brethren.
God placed Jesus music in our hearts! It is a new genre that is fully inspired by how universal God is! Jesus is supposed to be for everyone, so our music has something for everyone. You may hear some Pop, country, blues, reggae, jazz, folk, neo soul, Hip Hop, classical, opera. The foundation of our inspiration is God.
This coming CD is for the hearing. It is geared towards those looking for truth and authenticity; it is for those wanting to receive knowledge that they can enjoy and change with. This CD will target an audience ready to hear what God is calling this generation to do. We need to not only hear that it’s going to be ok, we need to know we’re going to be ok and why.
We have strived for our music to be full of wisdom and transparency. Listeners will not only be encouraged, but will be equipped with tools on how to combat the enemy.
The RBF Album is a taste of what has been brewing over the last few years since its incep Music is a universal language. A vast mation. We have been together for 4 years. With jority of people want to hear great and authentic the most recent additions, our next album gives music. Our hope is our tracks will appeal to them. shape and form to the movement that is Fresh What God has us pouring out is simply what he Nation. We believe this next album release will has been pouring into us. Our earnest desire is to set people free and offer them a Testimony filled appeal to the hearts of the people, and see who with Truth, Authenticity, and a Timeless sound. we can collect for the Kingdom of God. We strive for excellence and God has brought us through some things both individually and collec23 Jul/Aug/Sep 2014 | http://empoweredmagonline.com
Yellow Flags: Abusive Relationshp By: Denielle Palmer
I used to never share my personal relationship with abuse. I used to be ashamed, thought somehow it was my fault that I suffered at the hands of abusers. It was not my fault these men had no integrity. It was my responsibility, however, to educate myself and leave situations that were unhealthy. In my need for acceptance, for love and for the need to fix things and people, I ended up in several abusive relationships. The information available for victims is bottomless. The stigma surrounding abuse is all but lifted. If we educate our daughters, we can stop the cycle and help them seek out men who love and cher-
ish, respect and love them. I have compiled a list that will be continued throughout the year. Please share this with your friends and family. You never know who it will speak to and with knowledge comes power.
• Jealousy
• Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde
• Controlling Behavior
• Drink or Substance Abuse
• Quick Involvement
• History of Battering or Sexual Violence
• Unrealistic Expectations
• Negative Attitude toward Women
• Isolation
• Threatening Violence
• Blame-shifting for Problems
• Breaking or Striking Objects
• Blame-shifting for Feelings
• Any Force during an Argument
Often the domestic abuser will initially try to explain his/her behavior as signs of his/her love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim.
• Hypersensitivity • Rigid Gender Roles • Verbal Abuse
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Read comprehensive list at empoweredmagonline.com Jul/Aug/Sep 2014 | http://empoweredmagonline.com
http://www.pointloma.edu It’s important that you choose a university that challenges you academically, while providing exciting opportunities to get involved - a truly balanced student life. Discover more about PLNU, what you can learn, and ways to get plugged
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High-caliber academics, personal attention, and spiritual growth. Those are things that are just as important to us as they are to you. Check out PLNU’s high-quality and flexible graduate programs in education, nursing, business, theology, Christian ministry, and biology.
Jul/Aug/Sep 2014 | http://empoweredmagonline.com
Do You Have a Love List? By: Ozara Odé
I remember my first love. I was so happy just seeing his face. He had curly dark hair, sun-kissed caramel skin, and the cutest deep dimples. His teeth, those that had finally grown back in were as white as Chiclets. Fortunately, since he was a little older than I was, I didn’t tower over him. He never called me the Jolly Green Giant like the boys in my 1st grade class did. He was 8 years old and I was 6. Michael Ramsey was his name. We made decorative mud pies, the decoration being rocks around the edges. He wanted to be a chef someday and I wanted to be a racecar driver. We raced toy trucks and cars on the sidewalk. One of our greatest accomplishments was a 6-foot long racetrack we built together. We were full of life and innocent, completely oblivious to the cares of the real world while discovering these new feelings. The new, awkward, and incredible feeling called love had us. The feeling was slightly uncomfortable like a new pair of really cute shoes. You really want those shoes, regardless if they don’t quite fit around that baby pinky toe. You just can’t pass them up because they’re just too cute!
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Close your eyes and picture your first crush, your first kiss, your first love. How did you feel? What took place with your physicality in the presence of “The One”? Did you sweat a little bit when you saw him or her? Did you have a hard time finding the right words to say? Were you a little uncomfortable in this new space? The expectation that love makes us feel butterflies is a dramatic notion. As we grow older our expectations of what love should be changes. Flowers, chocolate candy, dinner by candlelight, long walks holding hands; all romantic and beautiful things, however, they are not the meaning of love. These symbols have been shown to us over and over until we have become programmed to think this is what makes a relationship, what makes love. We have been conditioned to view relationships in this manner, to the point that when the thrill is gone, so, we believe, is the love. Whether we are in a marriage, a long-term relationship or single- sometimes we feel like the love is gone, never to return. Statistics flying all over the place telling us it’s the end of the “relationship world” and that we’re
all either doomed for divorce or eternal single life. What happened to the simplicity of this complex emotion called love? Where did the love go and how do we get back to love? To return to love, it is important that we know ourselves. We don’t buy in to negative energy, negative information or negative people. Once we allow that energy in, it clouds our minds until we find ourselves feeling hopeless. How can we be hopeless when we know who we are? How can someone created in the image and likeness of God be helpless or hopeless? We have the main source of power to be victorious in any and every aspect of our lives. Even in the elusive, mysterious area of love. When we were young, innocent, and not influenced by reality shows, TV dramas, an unhealthy past relationships, it was so easy to just let love in our heart. To make our heart and mind receptive to the gift of love, we must relax, meditate up and release the tension that is blocking love from coming our way. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in the world, we each have the ability to Will into existence what we desire.
Jul/Aug/Sep 2014 | http://empoweredmagonline.com
Trust me, better yet, trust you. You’ve done it before. Ok, let me give you a few examples so you can stop side eyeing the page. Have you ever thought about someone you haven’t heard from in a while and then a few moments later you either see him or her, or they call you? I know you have. A number of times I bet too. This is just the tip of the iceberg to what we can produce with this beautiful mind that God has placed in our WisDOME. My own experiences can serve as an example. First, picture the person. What do you want him to be like? Think of all the things you desire and be as specific as you can. This way when your perfect match comes to you, it will show that this works. I have made this list before and was glad I did. Let me warn you in advance; you have to be very, very, very, and very specific. The first time I tried the list, I wrote down everything I wanted. My list ran from loving his mother and being kind hearted, to having nice teeth, nice skin tone, and height. I wrote the list and placed it on my dresser and just kept doing what I do in my day-to-day life. Every now and then I would take a look at the
list. Although I didn’t think about the list too often, after a while I met an amazing man, so amazing that it was hard to believe. Shortly after we met, he asked me out on a date and we hit it off really well. I went down my list and to my amazement, I was able to check off every single item on my list! It’s very important to go on dates. You need to hear the other person speak, see their body language and their eyes. While on our fourth date and through our conversation, I discovered that he’d been in a 10year relationship and was still IN the 10 year relationship. You may have guessed it by now but, I forgot to put ‘SINGLE” on the list! Remember those cute shoes that didn’t quite fit? He was so perfect and fit my list down to the very last sentence, but he was not single, and that was not the kind of relationship I wanted. So be very specific with your list. I know…folks have told you to not be picky, or that being too specific will have you waiting for a lifetime. I am not asking you to make a list for someone so perfect that even Jesus wouldn’t make the cut. What I am asking you to do is simply try
to be true to yourself. Be honest with yourself about what you desire in your life and make a request. Be child-like, not childish in your request, because children request whatever pops in their heads with no guilt and no hesitation because the request is to fulfill their desire. They have expectations for their requests to be answered and there is no fear of what might happen to them if they make the request. Are you still a little skeptical! You make a grocery list, a “to do” list. Why not try the Love/Life List? It doesn’t matter if you’re single or married. If you are married just try making the Love/Life list together. Write back to me after you have tried the list and tell me your story. Yes, I am going to try the Love/ Life list again and I will share my journey with you in the upcoming issues. I will share the specific details written on my list if you email me personally at ozaraode@gmail.com. In the meantime remember, “Change your mind and change your condition”. Follow me on Twitter and Instagram and “like” me on FB. Yours, Ozara Odé.
Ozara Odé
A Singer, Songwriter,Playwright, and Poet who has been compared to some of the most profound singers of all time. Imagine Nina Simone meets Prince, Tina Turner meets Sade, and you will have a better understanding of what Miss Odé sounds like. Contact: email: ode@gmail.com. website: http://www.ozaraode.com
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