I Do and I Will

My son called me on a Tuesday evening and announced that he and his girlfriend were getting married 10 days later! “Wow!” was all I could say. And then he told me they were having their reception on a date I couldn’t attend. I was quiet but secretly I was sobbing at missing my son’s wedding reception. Thoughts raced through my mind. How could he exclude me? Doesn’t he want his own mother to be at the reception?

Thankfully, I had been in Program long enough to know to stay silent when things upset me and to take it to my quiet time, my Higher Power, my sponsor, and my fellows until a clear and peaceful answer has been given to me. The Just for Today quote, “I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt. They may be hurt but I will not show it,” was running through my head. After talking with my son for a short while about their wedding and reception plans, we hung up and I burst into tears. I was heartbroken to miss such an important event.

I can’t say my relationship with my son has always been easy. While I was in active food addiction he was in active alcohol addiction. He started drinking at thirteen and by the time he was a senior in high school he was sullen, moody, dishonest, and secretive. People were telling me about his drinking, but I really didn’t want to hear it. Not my son. He couldn’t possibly be an alcoholic. The same level of denial I applied to own addiction I also applied to my son’s.

While my son worked for a public service organization in Seattle, a mentor saw his suffering and brought him to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Luckily, he stayed and underwent the familiar, but still miraculous, transformation we know happens when people embrace a 12-Step Program. Ten years later, he is open, honest, and willing to talk about the past and our relationship. When I came into Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) five years ago, I was finally able to hear him.

Prior to that I was of the opinion that, since I am the mother, I am right and he needs to listen to me and do what I say. What happened was that he just stopped listening and talking to me. Studying the Twelve Steps has taught me a measure of humility. I no longer need to always be right. I am teachable. Rather than giving him a directive, I learned how to speak to him in a way that opened up a dialogue. Slowly, I began to change and treat both my children with more respect. My children are the most important people in my life, and I wanted to become closer to them.

Before I was in recovery, I knew they called and visited more out of duty than desire. My relationship with my parents had been the same way and I wanted to break the cycle of distance and disappointment. Program taught me that I had to learn to ask more questions and listen to them, as well as to trust and support them and their choices, regardless of my opinions. I learned to share my experience and let it go. The fear of losing them led me to listening, learning, and an open-hearted love. When he said they were having the reception on a day I couldn’t possibly attend I simply said, “It would mean a great deal to me to be there. If you could change the date, I would appreciate it but, if not, I look forward to seeing the pictures.” During my quiet time I was given the wisdom to not make it about me, but about them and their wishes. I have my whole life with them filled with many holidays and celebrations. Missing one party wouldn’t diminish that.

Ten days later, they had a beautiful wedding. They asked me to help them arrange the space, the minister, the reception, and the lodging for them and two of their friends. My Higher Power worked overtime because everything fell into place beautifully. The spiritual center I hoped was available had an opening the day of the wedding. The Justice of the Peace was a friend of mine who happen to pick up the phone for someone else on the day I called. My youngest son and his girlfriend were able to drive back from Colorado a week earlier than planned. The restaurant we went to after the wedding served a delicious abstinent meal, and a fellow in program donated her bed and breakfast for their honeymoon night. Their wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life. To see the happiness in both their faces as they said, “I do,” was unforgettable.

As it turned out, they never did have a reception. After the wedding, my son texted me their thanks and love and gratitude for helping to make the day so special. My Higher Power showed me how to handle a situation that would have baffled me. I would have made their wedding about me and my will. Luckily, I handed my will over to something greater than myself when they said, “I do,” and it has made my life and family stronger. I am grateful.