Life

Every summer my husband, my two kids, and I spend at least one week at the extended family’s lake house; along with two grandparents, many aunts and uncles, and six grandchildren. The age spread between the cousins is seven years so to my 14-year-old nephew, my seven-year-old daughter seems like a real baby.

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his shared lake house living is usually a time of great frustration for me; different families mean different parenting styles around bedtime, food, device time, and even the movies watched. When I was eating and drinking, I would spend most of these weeks in a food fog, sneaking sugar treats, hiding the wrappers deep in the trash can, drinking a lot of alcohol, and making my husband deal with his “crazy” family.

I stopped addictively eating two years ago and have lost 110 pounds (50 kilos). Since I started to live in recovery, I realized they are not crazy. They are human just like me, making mistakes and in general trying to be good people and enjoy life. I am working on being less critical of them. I used to complain to my husband about everything they did. Now that my eyes are clear I can see things I couldn’t see before, like the emotional pain that my mother-in-law experiences while caring for her sick husband and the loneliness she must feel. I now take daily walks with my sisters-in-law and we share fear/worry/frustration regarding schooling, family life, and work. I feel real connections with these people instead of wondering how to get my next sweet or drink of alcohol. I’m able to focus on gratitude, thanks to my sponsor’s reminders. At the end of this year’s visit, I was even able to thank my mother-in-law for sharing her fantastic home with all of us.

This past summer, because of COVID-19, I also really had time to think about my kids and their relationships with their cousins. My kids shared that when their cousins were around, they felt ignored and “treated like they didn’t even exist.” This thought caused me pain but through my AWOL (A Way of Life, a study of the 12 steps), I was able to see that I was reliving experiences from my own childhood where I wanted to be accepted by friends and “be cool.” Even though my experiences were not the same as theirs, I was able to use what I have learned through Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) and be present to listen to my kids’ concerns and feelings. I had the ability to spend quality one-on-one time with each of my kids, doing something they love, talking about relationships and how to handle sticky situations. My nine-year-old son and I snuggled on the bed, reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire to each other, and in between we talked about “going and doing something else if you feel you are being ignored or if kids aren’t being nice to you.” I was able to go paddle boarding with my seven-year-old daughter and talk about how if someone is mean to you, the solution is not to be mean back to them, but to show them how a true friend acts by being kind to them.

In addition to all that, I was able to react differently to my husband’s solution to our kids’ complaints that they are mistreated by their cousins, which is to get stern and say, “Well, then let’s go home.” I was able to give constructive feedback to him suggesting that this was likely going to send a signal to our kids to just keep their (current and future) problems to themselves rather than ask us for help or advice when needed. My husband readily agreed with this and changed his tune. This type of discussion with my husband was impossible before FA. In the past I would have said things without careful thought, I would have hurt his feelings, and we would have ended up fighting and ignoring each other for days. It is hard to believe that all of this is possible because of FA, where I am able weigh and measure my food, use the tools of recovery, and tap into the strength of my Higher Power. I am so blessed to have this life.

This summer, as every year, huge quantities of sweets were consumed by the lake house crew. But no amount of food could ever fill me as much as the gratitude, peace, and joy I get from my abstinence and being present for my family. Recently my kids wanted to give me $500,000 to stop doing my “food program.” First, they don’t have $500,000 and second, I told them that no amount of money would have me give up this program! They are too young to really remember what I was like before FA and for that I am glad. I am so grateful for recovery and how my life is so much better today thanks to FA!