Blessed

My battle with food brought me to my knees in 2006. After years of struggling with food, especially sugar, I considered driving my car into a telephone pole. My body carried just forty pounds too many, but my mind carried a ton.

Growing up I was of normal weight, only because of limited quantities of food at home and to having an active lifestyle. In my twenties and thirties, I put on a few pounds. I felt chunky, but nothing serious. My first husband and I were poor, so we ate lots of processed food high in fat and carbohydrates. Cigarettes and booze rounded out our diet.

In 1995, at thirty years old, I began the long and painful journey into recovery from alcohol. The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), in addition to the fellowship and support of women, changed my life. I entered the rooms as someone who didn’t like or trust women; and who kept her mouth firmly closed protecting family secrets. Feeling safe for the first time in my life, I cried and talked, releasing a lifetime of pain and anger. This group of women showed me how to become a trustworthy and estimable person. Obsessions filled me constantly, wishing I could just leave my brain on a shelf and go about my day.

During that time, I baked a lot, taking some goodies to share at meetings, but mostly feeding my expanding girth and obsession with food. One night, I was an emotional wreck and unable to reach any of my AA friends. I decided to make a big goopy, sugary thing. After just one bite, the pain eased. Whatever had been the problem, disappeared. Wow! That was magic. Finally, I could stop those awful feelings and the thoughts that accompanied them.

I joined a commercial weight loss program a couple of times. The second time I achieved my goal and maintained it for a bit, by running 3-5 times per week, enabling me to eat extra points.

When I herniated a disc in my back, the running days were over, as was my success in that program. My obsession with food increased. One of the treatments I had received was a cortisone shot in my back. That completely took the symptoms away for about six weeks.

During that time period, I was able to do a bicycle trek fundraiser. This was a 180-mile bicycle ride, over three days around the rugged, hilly roads of Maine. Every 25 miles or so there was a rest stop set up with as much food as you could eat. In the late afternoon, we were welcomed to the college which put us up for the night with more platters of food to hold us until our evening meal. Dinner and breakfast were more of the same. Of course, we were burning a lot of calories, so we needed extra food.

Monday morning my scales were not happy. I had gained weight, which I had thought would be impossible. A couple of weeks later the effects of cortisone wore off. The pain, tingling and numbness returned with a vengeance and I kept eating as though I was still on the trek. I could no longer turn that switch off. Depression and anxiety overwhelmed me.

After living with sciatica pain for nine months, I had surgery. The pain and numbness in my left leg and foot was quickly lifted, but my food addiction was going strong. My body healed but my mind was crushed. I began looking at telephone poles while driving down the road. With one yank of the steering wheel, it could all be over. No more pain from eating against my will.

Afraid of what I might do, I saw my medical doctor. She could not relate to my obsession with food but was so compassionate and validating as I sat crying in despair. She gave me something for the anxiety and depression, then referred me to a therapist specializing in eating disorders. The therapist suggested I go to Overeaters Anonymous (OA). For over a year the obsession abated, and I was successful in putting down the sugar. However, the ability to define my own abstinence did not work for me. I began binging on flour products and salty crunchy items, just like I had done with sugar. The obsession was knocking on my door.

The magic I had found that night in the big, goopy dessert during early sobriety had disappeared. However, I continued chasing that feeling over and over by binging and stuffing my way to 165 pounds (about 75 kilos). At 5’’ 6” I wasn’t so much bothered by the weight, but by that constant obsession.

Sunday evening March 5, 2006 found me walking into my first Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) meeting, defeated against my battle with food. I had known about FA for a few years but couldn’t imagine allowing someone to tell me what and how much to eat. Carrying my water bottle, I walked into the meeting just in time to hear the disciplines of the program being read; no food or drink and try to arrive on time. Well, that’s ridiculous! This meeting lasts an hour and a half and they won’t even let us drink water? That’s dangerous…blah, blah, blah.

Once I settled into the meeting, I could see how this program might be helpful for those people, but it was not for me. Angry that I had to be there, I left that first meeting as fast as I could, before anyone could talk to me, vowing to never return.

After a few more days of binging and eating against my will, my car drove me to my second meeting. There I surrendered, asked a lady to be my sponsor and started the food plan. I was amazed how much food we got and how delicious it was.

The very first weekend in program, my teenage son and I were going to Massachusetts to look at a school he was interested in attending. I had been up until midnight, cutting, chopping, weighing and measuring, filling food containers and sandwich bags. As I lay back in the passenger seat, I thought “I can’t do this program. I’m exhausted from detoxing and from all this cooking.”

After a nap I felt more hopeful. By midday I received my first gift of the program. While my son decided between which fast food restaurant he’d like, I began eating lunch from my cooler. The food was delicious, I had a start and stop routine and there were no food decisions to be made. For the entire weekend I had freedom from food thoughts and all my meals were ready. Perhaps this will work out after all.

One day at a time and only through the grace of God and the FA program, it’s been fourteen years since I walked through the doors. Today I live on Whidbey Island in Washington State. There are no in-person meetings here, but I am so grateful for the miracle of technology in the form of phone calls, phone meetings and online video meetings.

Since being in program, I’ve completed a master’s degree, gotten married to a wonderful, sober man and adopted a little boy. I’ve been on cruises, traveled to other countries, lived in an RV for a year traveling across the US.

These are just a few of the many blessings I’ve received in this program. The promises do come true.