My Only Job

I came to Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) from Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) two years ago, knowing that I have a problem with flour, sugar, and quantities. Once I put down the drink, I picked up the food. When I was first presented this beautiful program, I took what I liked and left the rest behind. I didn’t like the phone calls and the strict food plan, so I stayed isolated and wasn’t honest with my sponsor. Plus, I had a boyfriend at the time who wasn’t right for me, but I wasn’t ready to let him go yet. When I did realize that that was not the man I wanted to spend my life with, instead of telling him that, I started eating to numb my feelings. I went back to the food for comfort since I wasn’t working the FA tools and didn’t know that the comfort I was seeking, was present in the fellowship. I ate until I was 100lbs (45kg) heavier and so miserable, that I was once again contemplating suicide.

When the pain got great enough and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, I asked for help. I came back to FA willing and ready to work the program as it has been designed. This time, I am willing to go to any length to stay abstinent. God moved me to a different state, away from my family and friends. He knew that I needed to be away from any distractions to completely surrender my life to Him. My first 90 days were tough as I was detoxing and felt lonely. I asked my sponsor a lot of food questions because this time, I wanted to keep my meals simple and clean. Today I know that if my food is in order, so is the rest of my life. It was a hard concept to grasp: how will weighing and measuring my food, result in my life getting better? I was told that I do not need to understand it all on Day 1, I just need to do as suggested and then I’ll get to experience the gifts of this program.

In the beginning, I struggled with making phone calls. It was so awkward to call strangers and introduce myself. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin when I made those calls, but a fellow suggested that I break the ice with a simple “tell me how you found FA.” This allowed my fellows to share with me their experience, strength and hope and thus I was able to relate to them. They didn’t seem like such strangers after that and I’m currently working on building deeper, more meaningful relationships with them all.

I also struggle with the tool of Quiet Time. It wasn’t “quiet” at all. I wanted the conversations in my head to stop so I talked about that on my outreach calls and with my sponsor who gave me suggestions of how to sit still every day for 30 minutes. My sponsor asked me: are you sitting still in a quiet room? I said yes and she reconfirmed that it was all that was asked of me. I thought I needed to hear the booming voice of God but that is not the case. I tend to complicate this program, when it really is so very simple.

I’ve been blessed with a daily phone gathering since I came back to FA during COVID-19. During these gatherings, I get the medicine I need to stay abstinent, just for today. I’ve been given the chance to expand my fellowship and get to know people all over the USA. I am making new friends, abstinent friends, who really know me and love me for who I truly am. Today, I don’t pretend that everything is fine and dandy, but rather talk about what’s really going on with me and let people in.

I’m so blessed to be part of this fellowship and to work with a sponsor who God chose for me. I get to watch my body slowly lose the weight I’ve gained and experience physical recovery. Thanks to that, I’ve started taking dance classes, something I’ve always wanted to do but didn’t have the courage to explore.

FA is also helping me recover mentally and spiritually and that is resulting in improved relationships with family and non-FA friends. I find that I am more loving and caring towards others. The change I was looking for in them, has to start with me. Today, I also find joy in the work I do. Most importantly, I find my mind is at peace as I strengthen my relationship with God, one abstinent day at a time.

My only job for today is to stay abstinent, everything else seems to work itself out. That has been my experience in my first 90 days. As life works itself out, I get to feel feelings, find true happiness and learn to be a part of this world. I see myself changing and growing. For that, I thank God for making me a food addict and bringing me to FA.