Plant Those Seeds!

Before coming into Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) I was almost always on or off a diet since my last year of high school in 1976. Every diet was going to be the one! Once I was thin, I would have arrived! I approached it like an audition. When I got the part I could escape into the character. Hearing applause, I would think to myself, I am worthy.

As I started each diet, I would get on that scale, take measurements and begin, thinking, this time it is going to work! I felt that way for each and every diet. Talk about insanity! After each somewhat successful attempt, I would resume my old way of eating and pack on the pounds plus more. I wanted so much to be able to eat whatever I wanted in moderation but since I couldn’t, I hated myself! It was beyond my comprehension how people could leave half eaten desserts on their plates, or a half glass of wine and I could not! I didn’t yet know that there was a reason for all of this and why I couldn’t change; I was, am and always will be a Food Addict!

In the 90’s I was plagued with bulimia and depression and became suicidal. At one point, I called out sick for nine days, only getting up from bed to binge and purge then return to bed. Instead of firing me, my supervisor did an intervention. God bless her! For the first time asked for help and my parents helped me find a treatment center. I couldn’t stop crying as I flew back to my childhood home. During my time there, fellow addicts and counselors would call me out on wearing a mask that only displayed myself as funny, fun, and loud. I would talk about family dynamics as if we had a ‘Leave it to Beaver’ type family; in reality it was chaotic and dysfunctional. I learned about the Twelve Steps and my laughter gave way to tears and by removing that mask I started to see myself more clearly and I found I was not alone.

On returning home from treatment, I found a sponsor in a food program and I also started a meeting, but after going through the Twelve Steps once, I stopped attending. Why go to meetings when I am thought I was fixed? But when my weight went up again, I believe I was bad. When it went down, I was good. The scale was my God again. Because the constant weighing myself triggered the purging, I could not have a scale at home; I only weighed monthly at the doctors office. So once again I pursued the perfect diet. But my weight repeatedly went up and down until I just gave up. I felt like a failure in my home-life as well. My household consisted of a husband, son and two stepchildren and I was not able to be present for them or show up for life anymore. I bought food for them but ate most of it myself. I wondered to myself what is wrong with me? I was a misfit.

I found myself searching for yet another solution and found a different Twelve Step food program on-line. They had no meetings in Southwestern Kansas, but I was able to get a sponsor. I had reasonable success, but I continually sabotaged myself and was so willful, that it also went by the wayside. Years later that same sponsor left a voice message telling me about the success she experienced in a new Twelve Step program called FA. She was maintaining 100-pound (45 kilos) weight loss. When I listened to her voicemail, I thought to myself, well good for her! I stubbornly still wasn’t willing and of course did not call her back. But you never know how something you say or do can impact someone else as I would later see. I continued in my misery for several years, marrying and divorcing husband’s number three and four. I was looking for a man to complete me, but it didn’t work either. Again, I just gave up; I was clueless of who I was except that I was a big, fat, out of control person. I was defective and I wasn’t worthy.

Fast forward to December 2017 where I finally reached my true bottom; I felt helpless and hopeless. After work I would normally hit one or two fast food restaurants on the way home, pretending to order for an entire family but eating it all myself. On this day, I sat in my car and simply broke down crying aloud, “God, I can’t go on like this anymore. Please, please help me!” As I was putting my wallet back in my purse some cards fell out and one had the contact information of the person who left the voice message regarding FA. Doubting she had the same phone number, I called anyway, and she answered. I told her who I was and asked if she was still in FA and she was. I asked if she would sponsor me and she said yes! Something in me surrendered and shifted. I had renewed hope and it really was a profound spiritual moment in my life. The FA seed of hope my old sponsor had planted years before began to take root.

I started FA on December 31, 2017 and weighed 231 pounds, (104 kilos). I will never forget that date or that experience of surrendering to God. If that first sponsor hadn’t planted that seed of hope years before I shudder to think what would have happened to me. That seed has sprouted even though I live in an area where there are no meetings – on the frontier of FA. I have something and someone to hold on to and hope of starting a meeting someday. I am eternally grateful! I know beyond a shadow of doubt that as a food addict, I can’t eat sugar, flour, or quantities. I have an allergy and now know what is poison for me. I know I can’t do it alone, nor do I want to.

December 31, 2020 marked three years in FA. I am still maintaining a size 4/6 and a weight of 120 pounds (54 kilos). My journey hasn’t been perfect. I have so many defects of character: insanity, inflated ego, self-centeredness, unreliability, and lying all of which I get to work on through AWOL (A Way of Life, study of the Twelve Steps). The joy and hope I have are immeasurable. I have value, worth, God-given talents and true compassion for others. I love myself, and my life now. I enjoy simple pleasures that are abounding and astounding! Living here in rural Kansas, it is my turn to plant FA seeds and give away what has so freely been given to me! I have an amazing sponsor and have developed so many wonderful long-distance friendships. I am not alone! It is such an honor to be able to share my experience, strength and hope with others, one day at a time. FA has tools to work and the Twelve Steps to live by and as long as I give to others what has so richly been given to me, I can maintain my recovery.

In FA, I now have a design for living with structure and purpose. I am now a part of something, instead of feeling all alone. To borrow from an old spiritual song, “I once was lost, but now I’m found, I was blind but now I see!” The God of my understanding is a miracle worker! Because of FA, I can plant more seeds and watch as the promises of FA come true for myself and others.