Art of Recovery

Six years ago, before finding Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA), I moved to Israel by myself. I bonded with other young immigrants in my community, forming little makeshift families in lieu of our own. Family and togetherness are emphasized during Jewish holidays, and we celebrate by eating together, playing games, having interesting conversations, and sharing our apartments and lives.

Holiday meals were a minefield for me before I found recovery. The meals we have are potluck, and rarely contain food I can eat. Before FA, my only goal was to eat as much as possible without others noticing. Every year I would overeat until it became painful. Often, I couldn’t button up my pants after a meal. I remember taking leftovers home after overeating, then eating still more once I was at home. I would ride on the high I got from the flavors and that uncomfortable bursting feeling. On a few separate occasions, I felt so ill after the quantities I had consumed that I promised myself I would never overeat again. That bargain was attractive because I wanted the release from obsession with food. At times I would force myself to throw up because of the guilt I felt from breaking whichever diet I happened to be on at the time. Sometimes I would throw up just so I could force more food into my body. I thought I was fooling everybody; I thought that no one noticed how much I was eating. With my 286-pound (about 128 kilos) body, I was only fooling myself.

Holiday meals look drastically different for me now. I found FA at 22 years old after living in Israel for four years. At 24 years old and with the help of FA, I have learned to simply show up, put a smile on my face, and be present. I don’t celebrate the holidays in order to try the fancy holiday food; rather, I get the gift of being present with people I love. I also get the opportunity to meet new people and learn new things from others. If I was eating addictively, being present would be impossible.

During the most recent Jewish New Year, because I wasn’t spending my energy cooking food, God created space for me to paint holiday cards for my friends. I have always been creative at heart; my addiction tore me away from that love. Food addiction used up all my energy trying to control my weight and how others viewed me. Through doing FA service, I have rekindled old interests and discovered new things about myself. Through creating art for connection magazine and with God’s help, I am slowly reconnecting with who I really am. The joy I feel when

I discover a new part of myself is a gift of recovery. As long as I stay abstinent, my Higher Power will show me whatever my life is supposed to be.

A few months have passed since the Jewish holidays. My friends still have the cards that I created decorating their apartments, or they are using them as bookmarks. Unless they are food addicts, I am sure they have forgotten about the food they ate during our holiday celebrations.