No More Misery

As I sit at my kitchen table looking at my empty breakfast dishes, I think about how different my relationship with mealtime is since I found Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA). Before FA, my meal and snack times were the highlight of my day. They were the only times I got a break from my misery. Because I looked forward to mealtimes so much, I’d feel disappointed when they were over, so I’d extend them for as long as I could with another slice of this or another piece of that. I’d stuff in more food, even though I was full. Anything to delay returning to the reality of just how miserable I was. I understood the vicious cycle I was in. The more I ate the bigger I got and the more miserable I became. But I felt powerless to break that cycle. Plus, I didn’t want to give up food. Food was my best friend.

Now I prepare, weigh, and measure my food. I sit down at a table. There’s a napkin, a placemat, and silverware. I thank God for my meal and ask that it nourish me in body, mind, and spirit. Sometimes I marvel at the new way I take care of myself. Look at this amazing meal that I made for myself! Look at how I love myself with good wholesome food and take the time to enjoy every bite. No more eating on the run, grabbing something on the way, or eating standing up or in the car. Program has taught me that I’m worth the 20 minutes or so it takes to sit down and focus on nourishing myself. Because each meal is abstinent, weighed, and measured, it truly does nourish not just my body, but my mind and spirit. No longer do I have to make something “special” if I’ve had a bad day. All my food is special because it feeds my recovery.

Having only been in Program for almost two years, I know I have a long way to go. But now I feel satisfied when I finish a meal. I’m not tempted to have more. I’m so grateful for the boundaries I have around food because they have brought me so many gifts.

The first gift is I know what it feels like to be full. When the meal is over, I’ve had enough and it’s time to clean up and move on to the next right thing. And because I’m not miserable anymore, I don’t see eating as this oasis in my day. I don’t have to fill myself up with food anymore to feel satisfied. I use the tools of the program to fill me up.

Another gift is that I’m in a right-sized body. I was never one to get on the “body positive” bandwagon. I admired others who could, but I just hated myself way too much to appreciate my body at almost 200 pounds (about 91 kilos) at 5-feet, 4-inches tall.

Every day I feel grateful for my physical recovery and being a size 2. Being tiny doesn’t seem to get old. And never mind how I look; just fitting into spaces that normal people have been able to fit into their whole lives feels amazing to me. Subway seats, bus seats, work and restaurant chairs—I fit into them all! My joints don’t ache like they used to, either.

The next gift is that I have afellowship I reach out to at least three times a day on the phone. Living alone, it feels great to be building relationships with others who share my story of food addiction. There are hundreds of FA members on my phone from all over the world to talk to that I’ve met during meetings and AWOLs (A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps) who share many of my stories. I have people I can share my problems with and who have been there. They understand how it feels to be me. Then there is, of course, the gift of my Higher Power. Building a relationship with God—that has also been a revelation. I was brought up in the church, but I never knew that what a religion gives me are tools to connect with the divine light that’s within me and all around us. Plus, I have a way to connect with other people through faith. Knowing that I’m never alone, that I can reach out to my Higher Power at any time to ask for guidance or help, is such a blessing.

So now. as I gaze at my empty breakfast dishes, I think about how lucky I am that I’m building a life that doesn’t put escaping with food at the center of it. Food is in its place. It’s not the end-all and be-all and it is not the only thing that makes me happy.