Fashioning My New Self

Anonymous (FA) weighing over 300 pounds (about 136 kilos) with three closets full of clothes. My bedroom closet, the dining room closet, and the guest room closet were all stuffed with clothes ranging in size from 12 to 4X. I had closets packed full of scarves, draping shirts, wraps,, and everything imaginable to try to cover up the body I hated. I held on to the full array of sizes just in case I could get below 200 pounds (about 91 kilos), which I considered “skinny.”

I have been overweight since I was a little girl, but I always loved to dress up. After 30 years of addictive eating and crying in department store dressing rooms, I became conditioned to believe that a morbidly obese woman isn’t supposed to care about fashion. I always wanted to look put together. I hated feeling sloppy and I wanted to look good enough on the outside to convince myself that I might be good enough on the inside. I am learning that this is my spiritual malady and that FA is my solution.

As I began to lose weight in Program, I started cleaning out the closets, donating bag after bag of items that no longer fit. I bought new pants and donated them a week later. I bought smaller shirts that hung in the closet, with the tags attached, until they were too big to wear, and I donated them, too. I tried to buy the same draped tops and baggy shirts, but they didn’t look good anymore, even in smaller sizes.

Slowly I realized that I had no idea how to dress my body, what looked good, and what flattered my shape. I never had a shape before; I was just obese. I never gave a second thought to what I liked. If it fit, I bought it. And I bought it in three other colors, just in case. It wasn’t about me, it was about hiding and covering up and blending in.

Now that being invisible isn’t my number one goal, I feel exposed and scared a lot of the time. I can’t hide behind my excess weight anymore. I am catching a small glimpse of a new truth; what I like really matters. I recently bought a pink jacket. It was cute, a size small, it fit well, and by all logical thought, I should be satisfied with that. But I returned it, because I realized I didn’t really like it and I didn’t need it.

I have no idea what to wear, and the reality is that I also have no idea who I am. That seems like a good place to start. With my Higher Power’s help, I learn more and more each day I stay abstinent about the woman I am becoming. I am learning it is okay to have preferences and choices and to develop a new identity as a woman who isn’t obese. A fellow said to me on an outreach call recently, “I don’t know who I am, but I am in a program that allows me to ask that question.” I love the beauty of what she said, and this is the gift of FA in my life. It’s simple. I am in the right place as a food addict, and I get to create a new identity. I can trust that this program will carry me simplified. Most of the time, I can pause and think about what I need and want, what I prefer, and what my Higher Power’s will is for the day. I can even ask for help with my outfit, that I would look agreeable, and that my material life would honestly reflect my spiritual condition. Just because it fits doesn’t mean I have to as I discover the woman who lived underneath those extra pounds.

I now have just one clothes closet, modestly filled and ordered. It feels weighed and measured instead of chaotic and sprawling. Similarly, my life is slowly being weeded out and buy it. What I like and who I am matters now.

Everything in my life used to be stuffed— my closet, my body, and my emotions. I now know that I can be satisfied with a spiritual solution, and this is enough, just for today.