The Dating Game

Looking back, I can see why I had so many first dates. All the dates I went on before recover y were over the moment I picked up the bite. Actually, they were over if I had taken the bite earlier that day. I was there in body, but not in mind or spirit. I can’t even remember conversation topics I had on my dates. What I can recall is that the conversation would somehow spin back to me and whatever issue of the moment I was having in my life (which was always about eating or controlling food). I didn’t have the common sense, tact, or skill to have a simple interaction with another person. I couldn’t talk about the latest trends, local happenings, or even the weather, because I wasn’t aware of the time of year and seasons. I didn’t notice buds on trees and that clouds had different shapes until my first year in FA.

Prior to FA recovery, I binged on high-fat, sugar, and flour products or exercised for three hours before a date. On the day of the date, or the day before, I would eat and then throw up. Often, when I was in a bulimic phase of my disease, I felt so much self-hatred that I would cancel dates because I didn’t feel deserving of the male attention. This applied to exercise bulimia as well. I canceled a date once because I had eaten earlier in the day and decided to ride my bike to visit my parents in another city (20 miles away) to eat more food. Dating after four years of abstinence is so different from dating in disease. I am present for every moment, even the insecure ones. I feel every feeling, see every glance he gives me, and am aware of every thought that crosses my mind. My defects are right in front of me at all moments and, thank you God, so is my Higher Power.

Last Saturday night was a dream, compared to the nightmare of my food-addicted dating life. The guy I am now dating picked me up and I was ready, thanks to the FA habit of being on time for morning calls and meetings. He took me to a lodge by the beach that I used to fantasize about when my family would drive by it when I was a little girl. In the restaurant, we ate at a window-seat table looking over the water. Although the weather was foggy and gray, the sun was shining, and God was present deep in my heart and in the conversation. We talked about our friends and ourselves. We shared experiences we have had with each other and others. I was present.

When the food came, we talked about how delicious it was. It’s a gift to have a tasty and guilt-free meal. The date lasted a little longer, with some light talking in the car. There were even some moments of quiet, which aren’t so uncomfortable and binge-producing for me anymore. I used to have to fill the empty space with nonsense talk. After the nonsense, the self-hatred would come, and then I’d go home and eat a bunch of fat.

We said our goodbyes at a decent hour. Thank you, God. My head was clear, my heart was open, and yes, we are still dating.