Something Wasn't Working

When the COVID-19 virus forced me to work from home I thought it sounded like a paid vacation! I could take naps during the day, organize my craft closets, make greeting cards for the next craft fair, and follow it all up with another nap. All my home-based job would require of me was to answer the phone and respond to emails if needed. On the first day working from home, I received only one call the entire day. At first, I thought, This is great!, but then I felt a wave of guilt wash over me for getting paid and not doing any work.

Suddenly I had a flashback to many days in the office when I did nothing the whole day and felt proud of myself. The next day I experienced anxieties, frustration, and anger because of all the work left undone. Instead of looking inward and trying to improve myself, I’d get angry at my co-workers. I’d tell myself that my co-workers were doing nothing all day, while I had a pile of work to do. It felt unfair. I thought, I’m the only person working in this department. I’m the best and most knowledgeable employee in this department. I was always taking my coworkers’ inventory while my work piled up. My denial caused me to be resentful. Four years later, I now realize that I was the cause of the toxic atmosphere at work.

Talk about a lack of integrity, stealing company time, and arrogance. I felt ashamed of my behavior and thinking. In reality, I was not as good an employee as I thought.

Being at home the following days continued to reveal more of my poor work ethic and toxic office behaviors. I blamed my co-workers for my own antisocial behaviors and lack of coping skills. In hindsight, I can see my rebellious spirit and arrogant behavior. I owe some amends at work, but I don’t have the words to express them yet.

This is when I pray to my Higher Power, call my sponsor, contact my FA fellows, and ultimately ask for help. FA helped me realize that I don’t have to eat over these feelings and bad behaviors. Wishing these issues away will not work. I have a Higher Power and a program to guide me. I am not alone anymore. I thank God for the glimpse of self-awareness and the willingness to change. This too shall pass.