A Change of Heart

Last week a friend did something that upset me during a group meeting. As the day wore on, I was still feeling angry. Why did she do that? Her inappropriate behavior was taking up space in my mind. Later that night, I realized I was building a resentment. I knew I needed to pray for this friend, so that night when I got on my knees, I did what was suggested on page 552 of AA’s Big Book, and I said the resentment prayer.

Five days later, despite saying the resentment prayer each night, I was still boiling mad and avoiding my friend. The situation finally came pouring out on my sponsor call, who asked me to use the tool of writing to figure out what it was about the situation that made me react so strongly. Over the next few days, I did just that. The insight I received by writing was not something I was particularly proud of, but I had to admit that my friend had acted in a way that I have acted in the past—large and in charge—and it bothered me more because I didn’t like it when I behaved that way myself.

After another week of writing, I was able to accept that, like me, she’s human and humans make mistakes. I have come to understand that my expectations of other people are often much too high, and this incident was just another example. At this point, I felt more relaxed about what happened during the meeting, but I was still not ready to let it go, and I suggested to my sponsor that now I needed to telephone my friend to ask her why she did what she did. Once again, my sponsor asked me to keep writing in order to figure out my motive for initiating the conversation and determine what I might say, should the conversation occur.

I sat down to write again and drafted a script. During my next quiet time, it hit me that what I really wanted to do was punish her for her choice of words and actions during that meeting. The outcome I wanted was for her to admit to me that she made a mistake, to say she was sorry. I also knew that wanting to punish her was a childish notion and expecting her to admit wrongdoing was unreasonable. I liked this person and felt that she was someone I could develop an even stronger friendship with. Would this help in any way? I started to have second thoughts about initiating this conversation.

It took another few days of writing and reflection before I could finally be completely honest with myself and admit that my anger came from fear. I was afraid of doing the same thing in the future, of behaving the same way myself. I was surprised at how much lighter I felt when I realized I could let the whole thing go. When we spoke the next time, I was able to greet her warmly and sincerely.

Looking back, I can’t believe that this change of heart happened in such a short period of time. How did this miracle, this 180-degree change of heart, come to be? Why had I, without my sponsor’s urging, started to pray for this person?

I couldn’t help but review my FA history. I heard about this program back in 2009. I didn’t jump in right away, but eventually I got desperate and found a sponsor, who shared the food plan and tools with me. Over the next 16 months I proceeded to lose 140 pounds. I got into a right-sized body and my life improved in all aspects. But in early 2016, my husband’s health deteriorated and the reality of his life after a surgery necessitated many changes for our family. I put my husband’s health ahead of my recovery, and eventually, I had a break.

I never left FA and continued to work with a sponsor, but I was in denial about my commitment and willingness. I proceeded to struggle with flour and sugar over the next two-and-a-half years, only reaching 90 days of abstinence once during that dark time. My sponsor and many trusted fellows were very kind and helpful, but I continued to think that extra food would help. Finally, I asked someone I was a little afraid of to sponsor me. She agreed under one condition; that I come to her as a newcomer. That was a new day one for me and a big surrender, but one I am now very thankful that I was willing to make. Finally, I admitted to the depth of my being that I was a food addict and that nothing except working this program every day could keep my obsession with food at bay.

With over two years of abstinence, I now recognize that, like my willingness to get a new sponsor and go back to day one, my change of heart with my friend’s behavior was a spiritual experience. In another Twelve-Step program, I heard about the difference between sobriety— putting down the addictive substance—and emotional sobriety, the implication being that the two states don’t always happen together and sometimes it takes a long time to experience emotional sobriety. I now believe that my immediate reaction to pick up the tools and take my sponsor’s suggestions was an indication of emotional sobriety—I finally felt at peace. Although some days I feel like I’m only trudging this road of happy destiny, on many days I have a lightness of spirit and can say I feel happy, joyous, and free.