Planning For Abstinence

Let me start by saying that in this moment, I am abstinent. One day at a time, I commit the third-step prayer and offer prayers to a higher power asking to be assisted in all my efforts to remain abstinent today.

This morning, I told my sponsor my food plan for the day. I live alone, I work from home alone, and I do not report to anyone for my work on a daily basis. Therefore, my connection to my sponsor is an integral part of my mental health. She is not my higher power, nor my God, nor my last word. My recovery is in God’s hands along with my ego, my personality, my strengths, and my weaknesses. God’s grace covers my back, a saying my old Irish culture has passed down to me.

So here I am, standing in front of my refrigerator, and there is no lettuce. I have spent the last two hours preparing old perishable foods so they will not be wasted. I pull out old recipes from my younger days, basking in the comfort of nostalgia. I think about calling my daughter who lives in another state, just to hear her voice again and pass on the recipe I cooked when my children were little tykes, before their dad passed away. I feel the need to share some memories, but the better parenting I learned in Al-Anon (a support organization for the families and friends of people battling addiction) slows me down to be respectful of the fact that it is now her working hours, and I decide to wait patiently until after five o’clock.

I keep cleaning out the refrigerator to make room for new produce. This morning, I told my sponsor I was planning to go to the grocery store today. I think, Is it really necessary, if I am only out of lettuce? It is part of my daily step work in life to question my motivations in this and other actions. Am I fearful? Am I looking for distraction from difficult feelings? Am I looking to be entertained? Is enjoying the stimulation of the colors, the foods, and the actions of others in the store underneath this thought? Am I solidly in fit spiritual condition to go there today?

A friend in program once said, “Prior proper planning prevents poor performance.” I had written that down and taped it to my refrigerator. It so speaks to the need to value and protect my abstinence. I’ll talk to a fellow in recovery with my baggy-covered cellphone. Then I’ll wait while God helps me figure out the next right thing for me to do. I am so very blessed to have a relationship with a higher power and enough willingness to do things differently than I would have done when I was in disease.