A Matter of Time

I thought I just had a problem with sugar. I weighed 126 pounds and was 5-feet, 4-inches tall, but I knew if I did not find a way to control my eating, I would be well over 200 pounds. It was just a matter of time.

I am the youngest of five children and grew up in the suburbs in a middle-class family. My mother got married late in life and started having children at 32 years old. In the 1960s, that was considered late. She had five children in five years.

I was the baby of the family. My oldest sister took care of my emotional needs and my second oldest sister took care of my physical needs. My sister cooked for me and I would eat it all. Later, when she started to work, she gave me money and I spent it on sugar. When I was a child, I could eat anything I wanted, whenever I wanted, and not gain weight. I was a hyperactive, shy, athletic, philosophical kid. I always felt that something was wrong with me and I did a lot of searching. Before FA, I can truly say all my decisions were based on fear, who I hung out with, what school I went to, and what job I had.

I started to gain weight and became obsessed with my body was when I was in my last year of college. I commuted to school until my father sold the house. I had one more year of school and had to find a place to live. I was too scared to live in the dorms, so I lived with my sister. I remember leaving her house at midnight, going to a fast-food restaurant, being physically filled up but still feeling empty inside.

That summer I became obsessed with my weight. I felt fat if I weighed anything over 115 pounds. I worked at a restaurant. When I made mistakes with the orders and preparations, I wolfed down the mistakes in seconds. Afterwards, I would weigh myself, go running, and then re-weigh myself.

If you told me I was a food addict in those days, I would have denied it and said that I could control my eating. In my twenties, I found myself eating almost a whole bag of a sugar product. When I realized it, I was able to put it down. Several years later, I thought, I can put it down, I just don't want to. But by my thirties, I could not put it down. I had lost control.

During these years, I tried cognitive behavioral therapy, a variety of support groups, a medicine woman (spiritual healer), and a homeopath. I did inner child work, trauma therapy, and regular therapy.

I tried Reiki, Tai Chi, and finally saw a nutritionist. After trying the suggested nutritional plan for one week, I got to my goal weight of 115 pounds, but I was still miserable. I just ended up eating junk food. I was full of regret and remorse. I decided to go to another Twelve-Step program for food issues, but I knew that was not my answer.

I thank God and the person who submitted information about FA to my newspaper. I knew that was it, I am a food addict. I had no idea what that meant, but intuitively knew this was the answer I was looking for all my life.

At age 36, I went to my first meeting because I couldn’t stop eating. I sat there feeling restless, irritable, and discontent, but I saw hope. People were thin, happy, and talking about how they were not eating flour and sugar. I didn’t know about the flour but I knew about the sugar. I thought I could do FA on my own. I didn’t eat addictively for one week, but the next Saturday while I was babysitting my niece and nephew, I took one bite of a flour product. I was back in the cupboards, eating nonstop. My nephew asked me, “Auntie, why are you eating that stuff, I thought you were allergic to it?” I did not have an answer. Today, I know it’s because I am a food addict and, at the time, I did not have a recovery plan.

The next day I went to an FA meeting that was 90 minutes away. I had to stop at three different fast-food restaurants along the way. The speaker of the meeting was somewhat thin, about my height, and weighed 123 pounds. Though I thought she was heavy, I liked what she had. She had a boyfriend, a car, and a job and she didn’t have any fear that these things were going to be taken away from her. She asked God for help. She had confidence in herself because of her relationship with her Higher Power.

I went up to her at the break, but I was too scared to ask for help. I was grateful because she asked me if I thought I was a food addict and if I wanted some help. I said yes to both questions.

When she wrote down the food plan, all I could say was, “What if it does not work?” I cried. She said to try it for one day. I got what I needed at the store and tried it for one day. I felt fat. She gave me the maintenance food plan because, technically, I didn’t have weight to lose. It seemed like a lot of food. Again, she said to try it for another day. I weighed and measured and ate what I committed even though I did not want to.

I realized afterward that was my first spiritual experience in FA. I did something I didn’t want to do. I weighed myself within a week and I lost nine pounds. Then I knew that my mind and body were disconnected, so I decided to follow my sponsor's suggestions, do every tool every day, and read the AA Big Book.

In the beginning, I thought I couldn't keep doing this program. Then my next thought was, How can I not? I decided to evaluate whether to stay after 90 days. Thank you God, I got better mentally, physically, and spiritually. By the time 90 days came, I began to love the program and this wonderful way of life. I loved the fellowship. I did not know how lonely I had been.

Through gratitude, abstinence, and service I now live a wonderful life and am so grateful. I grew closer to all my family members. I got to really know my parents and love them.

My fellowship has shown up for me more than just by supporting me to not eat addictively. I was able to rely on them when my parents got sick and passed away. I had their support while dating, getting married, being in a happy marriage, and getting a job that I love.

Who would have thought I would be in FA for 21 years? The miracles keep on coming.