Roller Coaster of Emotion

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I was horrified and fearful. I turned to God yet felt powerless. I prayed, and my Higher Power put my sponsor on my heart, so I called her. She gave me the phone number of a fellow member of FA who was abstinent and also had cancer.

After surgery, the pain was intense. Fortunately, quality quiet time and using the tool of writing relieved a lot of anxiety. On the other hand, I was afraid to use the telephone to share my feelings with my fellow food addicts. But I did it anyway and it brought healing. The chatter and clatter in my head diminished and eventually disappeared. Still, having lost a breast, my self-image was shattered, and I felt ashamed. I turned to God again. True to form, the message I received was perfect love regardless of how I felt or thought I looked.

In FA, I learned the slogan, “One day at a time.” But now, for me, it was one hour at a time. I was so tempted to quit the program. My sponsor and the other FA member who also had cancer both asked me the same question, “Do you want to go through treatment alone or with your FA fellows?” Thanks to their encouragement, I chose FA.

Meanwhile, the cancer medication caused me to gain weight. Pride reared its ugly head. Prior to cancer, I had lost 30 pounds in FA and now my weight was climbing up again. I wound up regaining the 30 pounds and, at first, could not get it off. But slowly, one day at a time, by following the food plan my sponsor gave me, the weight started coming off.

In the following decade, life continued to present more health challenges: a new lesion on my intact breast, five more years of medication and its flu-like symptoms, and the death of my oncologist. My primary doctor was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was on a roller coaster of emotion.

But thanks to my commitment to an AWOL and my sponsor’s support, I’ve stayed abstinent and in FA. I give thanks to FA and the God of my understanding. My fear has been assuaged and I continue to build faith.