Lifeboat of Recovery

I was drowning in my emotions and felt possessed when it came to food. My mother had just died and part of me wanted to go with her. I couldn’t stop eating even though I was making myself sick. I was having insatiable cravings for food and eating much more than I intended. When I started FA 15 years ago, my weight was 175 pounds. I’m a food addict who uses food to numb myself.

I used food to take the edge off my moods. When I got overwhelmed, I wanted to stuff myself so I could escape and not feel. I come from a family where you didn’t feel or talk about feelings; you got through it and moved on. Events happened but there was never reflection, discussion, or acknowledgement that something happened. I have been escaping for most of my life. Food was a comforting part of that escape.

I have an allergy that affects my mind, body, and spirit. The sugar hijacks my system, affects my moods, and takes me on an emotional rollercoaster. When I start eating sugar and flour I want to eat more. I’m unstoppable.

The death of my mother triggered feelings of powerlessness and helplessness. Although I had been in FA for 15 years, after my mother died, I realized that I had not been abstinent and needed to start over with a different sponsor. I went to a meeting, got the name of a sponsor, and called her. She said she would sponsor me if I could answer yes to two questions. First, was I willing to go to any length to stay abstinent? Second, was I willing to share this program with other fellows? I said yes to both, and she told me to call her at 6 am. I was relieved that she was willing to sponsor me and that I could call her every day. She explained how she did her program, and I sat there like a kindergartener taking in all the information. I appreciated the structure and roadmap she gave me. My new sponsor had sent me a lifeboat.

Although I was detoxing and felt tired, irritable, and moody with others, I also felt peaceful knowing I had the tools I needed to stop misusing food. Going food shopping and preparing food was not normally a fun or happy experience, but I suddenly found myself enjoying the preparation of meals. My kitchen is now my sacred space to heal, where I can access my higher power. I feel like a magician with a magic formula.

However, 30 days into my abstinence, my sponsor confronted me about one of my behaviors and I found my inner teenager rising up. I started to feel arrogant about not needing the structure that she had put in place. The rules started to represent chains rather than freedom from my addiction. But then I started to see the benefits of the program. I realized I had only a few options. I could start over with a new program, come to terms with where I was in this program, or give up. I concluded that there were more benefits if I just stuck with the plan. I wanted the peace this sponsor had around food. I was tired of being rebellious and wanted to regain the peace and stability I had in the first 30 days. Overall, I enjoyed the continuous weight loss and not being driven solely by food-based desires.

I have now completed my 90 days and I am stronger and healthier for it; I currently weigh 134 pounds and my cholesterol has gone down, too. I recently completed a half marathon and can enjoy playing with my grandkids without being triggered by their food. My inner loving parent is running the show, not my inner teenager. I went from using food as a drug to treating food as a medicine. I can listen and not be defensive. Today, I can show empathy to myself and others.