September 2023: What You Focus on Grows. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA)

What You Focus On Grows

Complete Surrender

Ihave always had a problem with food. For most of my life, I either star ved myself or binged to the point of feeling sick. At a young age, I learned to sneak food and hide the evidence. I was teased about being fat, which terri ed me because I didn't want to end up like my obese mother.

In seventh grade, I weighed 135 pounds and was in a normal-sized body. Yet when I looked in the mirror, I saw a fat person. I always based my happiness on how much I weighed. Even when I was 114 pounds, I still felt as if I did not belong, and I was not comfortable in my own skin. I was too embarrassed to buy diet pills, so I stole them from the drugstore. en I started taking illegal diet pills, which helped me drop 21 pounds in high school

Near the end of my senior year, I was drinking and using drugs to numb myself and escape from realit y into oblivion. at continued for many years, but I managed to maintain my weight until I went into recover y from drugs and alcohol at age 22. en my weight started to creep up. I was still maintaining some control, but I was bingeing and star ving myself. I started taking pain pills for a legitimate reason, but quickly

started to abuse them. I learned that if I took the pills, I didn’t eat much and I was able to drop some weight.

When I turned 27, I got pregnant and used that as a green light for the large amounts of food I consumed. I ate like there was no tomorrow. I got up to 199 pounds but was able to lose weight later, with the help of pain pills, which helped me stave o bingeing. When I stopped taking pain pills, I found myself getting out of bed during the night and sneaking down to raid the cupboard or refrigerator. I gained 30 pounds within six weeks. I had lost the abilit y to control my eating.

Just like with drugs and alcohol, I told myself that each day would be di erent. I began the day telling myself that I would eat healthy meals and wouldn't binge at night. en the subtle insanit y would start, and I'd tell myself, “I’ll eat just one little bit; one piece isn’t going to hurt me ” or “I’m not that fat, I can eat some of it.” I avoided acknowledging what it was like ever y time I binged. I wouldn’t think about the next morning when I'd be walking around in a food fog with a hangover and headache. I didn’t remember how my clothes got so tight I couldn’t button my pants because my stomach was so bloated from the

night before.

e following year, I joined a diet club. Over the course of seven months, I lost 12 pounds. I still binged (plus now I was occasionally purging ) and couldn’t be honest about what I had eaten each day. A er weighing in on a Saturday, I would eat whatever I wanted that day and tr y to cut back the next day. But the week went by quickly, and I would panic about the upcoming weigh-in. I felt anxious ever y time I went there. I kne w it was not a safe place for me a er I heard a member share how she had gotten out of bed to eat the night before. e leader looked at her and said, with such judgment, “ You got up in the middle of the night to eat?” I quit the diet club shortly therea er.

When I got up to 182 pounds, I realized I had spent more than 16 years gaining and losing the same 10-15 pounds! I decided to tr y

a Twelve-Step program for food. I attended four meetings but was ver y confused about what abstinence meant. I was told I could de-

ne my own abstinence and food plan, and that I was to eat three moderate meals a day with no sugar. ey said if I was hungr y in bet ween, I could eat a piece of fruit. I tried it, ate what I considered three moderate meals, and mana ged to lose 17 pounds. However, when I was feeling cold at a football game one day, I had an insane thought that it would be okay to have a hot, sweet beverage. at led to allowing myself one piece of a Halloween treat. By anksgiving , I was bingeing almost nightly.

In a short time, I gained back 15 of the 17 pounds and weighed nearly 180. I realized that although that Twelve-Step food program worked for some people, it was not a solution for me. I had heard of FA from a few friends but had balked when I learned that

ROBIN G , MD

they didn’t eat our or sugar. My thought was, W hat would I eat? I didn’t know what to do

I am a rm believer that God puts people in my life at just the right moment to say just the right thing A friend, who is an FA member, was visiting from out of town and had been feeling like she was on thin ice with her abstinence She and I decided to call each other ever y weekday morning and discuss what we were going to eat that day. I did well for a couple of days and then confessed to a binge. is went on for a couple of weeks.

en one weekend I had one of my worst bingeing experiences. I was so miserable and depressed. I woke up around 4 a.m., got out of bed, got on my knees, and beg ged God to take away my food obsession. I talked to my friend and told her the truth and explained that I was going to FA that night. I had packed a our product for lunch, but something happened before lunch I picked up the phone and called one of my customers, who was a member of FA, and told her what had been going on. She talked to me for 30 minutes When I hung

up the phone, I took the our item from my lunch and threw it in the trash. at marked the rst day of my abstinence

e FA meeting was so close to my house I could practically throw a rock from my backyard and hit the church building I attended the meeting and was given a ne wcomer ’ s packet. A er a frustrating search to nd a sponsor, I almost had a break, but once I “Let go and let God,” I found a sponsor. us began my journey. I immediately began to feel better. My clothes were still tight a er a couple of weeks, but mentally I was feeling great I couldn’t wait to get my 90 days so I could share I took three ser vice positions the moment I had 90 days (yes, I am an addict!), and joined an AWOL to study the Twelve Steps. I had worked the steps many times through AA, but it was a whole di erent perspective doing them in an AWOL and nally surrendering the food. It has been a slow process of releasing the weight, but a rewarding one. I thank God that I was given the gi of desperation.

Teri M , California, US

I told myself that each day would be di erent. en the subtle insanit y would start, and I'd tell myself, “I’ll eat just one little bit; one piece isn’t going to hurt me ” or “I’m not that fat, I can eat some of it.”

R a ising My Hand

My loc a l FA meeting rarel y had more than ve of us, w hi ch meant prov i d ing ser v i ce w a s inevitable. As a ne wbie and someone who strug gled to acquire 90 days of abstinence right from the get-go, I had a long stretch of time where all I could contribute was reading portions of the meeting format. At rst, I only volunteered to read the tools because they were short and less intimidating than the other secti ons, but w ith time, I ra ised my hand for longer portions, too.

Encoura ging fellows would complement my ea gerness for recover y. Using humor as a mask, a coping skill I o en used, I jokingly labeled meeting days as “ squat days,” referring to that fact that my rear barely hit the chair before I was up a gain to read. At 350 pounds, I assure you I never had a real “ squat day” in my life. Truth be told, I just wanted to speed throug h the format and get to what I deemed the “good part ” of the meeting; where others shared what was going on bet ween their ears and how they had strugg led menta l l y, the w ay I w a s, but weren ’ t strug gling anymore.

Of course, I realized I wasn ’ t the only overweight person in the world, but I honestly

felt ver y alone with the fact that I had such an intense desire to change, yet w a s completely powerless to make progress. Prior to FA, I would chalk that up to la ziness, being a failure, and other self-hating, self-defeating terms. I honestl y thoug ht other people chose to just surrender and enjoy being “fat and happy,” while I was the only one fat and suicidally miserable about it.

A fe w months into my l atest attempt at back-to-back abstinence, I knew I was in for a particularly stressful workday. I was so preoccupied with worr y about leading a work meeting that I butchered my breakfast and had to star t over. I d i d n ’ t need the added fear and uncer ta int y of w hether I had weig hed my brea kfa st correctl y hang ing over me.

e work meeting went better than expected, but I still felt lingering stress a erward. As I pulled into a parking spot back at my bui ld ing , I env isi oned the row of vending machines I had to pass to get to my o ce and thought, We make a call in times of stress. So, I stayed in my car a little longer and made an outreach cal l. I wasn ’ t necessaril y drawn to the vending machines; I just knew I w a s too hy ped up at that moment and

needed a bu er before walking past them.

As I approached my desk a er successf ul l y ignoring the vend ing machines, my boss c ame into my o ce and decl ared “Girl, I don’t know what you have been up to but keep it up. You ble w the socks o that meeting.” I had n ’ t d irectl y worked under this individual since before FA, and in pa st annua l e va luati ons, the onl y performance expectation she remarked on was to improve my publ i c spea king abi l iti es. Now, she wa s g iv ing me compl iments on my work.

As I re ected, I realized that it wasn ’ t the size of my body that made the di erence in my con dence. Although I was down several pounds by this time, I wa s not at goal weight. Appearance alone wa sn ’ t the root cause of my success. en it dawned on me. By this time in recover y, I had read e ver y piece of that meeting format ad nauseum. I had stumbled over the tong ue-t wister porti on of Trad iti on Six , “…lest problems of mone y, proper t y, and prestige d i ver t us from our primar y purpose. ” I had butchered the word “ anony mit y ” in many di erent ways, at many di erent times. But each time I made a mistake at the front of the room, no one made it a big deal or criticized me. My fellows had made standing in front of the room, regard less of my size, a safe thing to do.

O ver time, I ended up traveling and visit-

ing much big ger meetings with more eyes focused on me and a large enough space to require a microphone, and today I feel more comfortable presenting to a group, whether it be in FA or work-related. Yes, being at the front of a large conference room in a size 6 is easier than doing anything in a size 36, but that is not the sole reason I am more condent w ith publ i c spea king. roug h FA meetings, I learned that comfor t comes from practice, whether that wil l ingness to practice is built on a true desire to do ser vice or just impatience with the meeting format.

Now, w ith over 10 years of recover y, I force myself to pause before I raise my hand to give those with less than 90 days of continuous abstinence a chance to read and those with 90 days of abstinence a chance to share. I encoura ge ne wcomers to ra ise their hand s at e ver y oppor tunit y, throw themselves into that small ser vice, and trust the process.

It was never on my bucket list to do anything that required publ ic spea king , but I recei ved a hi dden, unexpected , and unintended bonus in the tenth promise read at each meeting. “Fear of people … wil l leave us. ” Fear is not entirel y gone and not in e ver y situati on, but it is better. When I star ted, I wa s doing a smal l ser v ice for my meeting , but it turned out I w a s doing a huge ser vice for my recover y.

Per fectl y Imp er fect

Yesterday was one of those cra zy Monday mornings. My ve-yearold refused to get dressed, nish her breakfast, have her teeth brushed, put on shoes, or leave for school. Instead, she screamed for what felt like hours but was really only about 45 minutes. I c ycled through rst being caring and reasonable and nished by shouting and throwing out threats.

We nally le the house, and when I parked the car (the closest you can get to school for drop-o is about half a mile away), I got her bike out of the trunk, chucked it on the ground, and hissed through clenched teeth, “Get on your bike and ride to school!” I marched ahead and she rode as slowly as possible behind me. Neither of us was covering ourselves in glor y!

We bumped into a friend, and I described the events of the morning. “I tr y not to shout,” she said, “I nd it escalates things.” Grrrrrr. I smiled and the conversation moved on.

You might think this is one of those stories comparing what it was like while I was in active food addiction with what it’s like now that I’m in recover y, and in a way, it is. I am responsible enough now to have children, maintain a relationship with a spouse, and help keep a roof over our heads. (I really didn’t function well during my addiction to

food, alcohol, and drugs, and I couldn’t look a er myself, let alone anyone or anything else.)

My behavior yesterday happened despite being abstinent for 18 years. Even so, I’m proud of myself. Only a few months ago, yesterday morning’s experience would have ended with what I’ve told you so far. I would have spent the whole day feeling g uilt y, ashamed, and “ wrong ” for losing my temper. While I could feel those emotions hovering around the edges, they didn’t over whelm me.

I made calls to other mothers in FA and we laughed and talked about simply being good enough, rather than perfect. ose feelings didn’t swamp me because I can focus on ever ything that happened once I got my daughter to school. When we got there, we put her bike away, sat down, and had a good talk. I apologized for shouting, and we talked about how we were feeling. I shared that we needed to set some boundaries. “I love you. I do not love those behaviors. How can we change them?” is o en heard now in our house. She apologized. We hugged, and she went into class happy.

In thinking about my friend’s comment, I noticed that I didn’t feel angr y about her judgment. I can certainly trot out unhelpful things at times when caught unaware, but

now I am secure enough in myself to let other people have their beliefs; who knew? I also noticed that while I agree with her in principle, I don’t agree in practice.

e best parent encouragement I ever got was from an FA fellow who said, “My kids have heard me swear, shout, and seen me really angr y, but they’ve also seen me apologize, clean up my mess, and tr y to change.” I think that is so much more important.

Unfortunately, I can ’ t show my kids how to clean up mistakes if I don’t ever do anything wrong. I have to be imperfect if I want to teach them it’s okay for them to be imperfect. And I am ragingly imperfect, so they get lots of opportunities! And when (not if ) my im-

perfections happen too reg ularly, I have a whole recover y program designed to help me change. I trust that FA works because I’ve experienced it.

More than anything, I kept sight of who I am and how I want to parent. ose choices and the agency to follow them are one of the many gi s of recover y. It doesn’t really matter whether my choices turn out to be the best ones; the fact that I have thought about them, talked about them, asked for input from my higher power, and then listened, gives me self-respect and peace of mind, something I never got from any amount of food. I like myself today, exactly as I am.

Sa ron dS., UK

XANDRA G , CA

Pr i de Go eth

Af te r m o r e t h a n t h r e e y e a r s i n FA , I w a s s t i l l g l i d i n g o n a p i n k cloud of wei g ht loss, ti g ht je a ns, and genuine freedom from crav ings. I w a s s p o n s o r i n g a h a n d f u l o f f e l l o w f o o d a dd i c t s. I t h o u g h t I h a d i n te g r ate d a l i f e o f honest y, g ratitude, a nd ser v i ce into my a lr e a d y b u s y e x i s te n c e . Ha v i n g s p e n t d e c a d e s b at t l i n g 2 0 - p l us p o u n d s a s a s e l fl o a t h i n g e xe r c i s e b u l i m i c a n d s e c r e t b i n g er, I n o w f i n a l l y f e l t us e f u l a n d s a n e.

O n e s u m m e r, I w a s a p p o i n te d a s c h a i r o f a n E a s te r n A r e a In te r g r o u p ( E A I ) c o m m i t te e .

E A I m e t e v e r y m o n t h o n a S u n d a y m o r n i n g , f i r s t i n c o m m i t te e m e e t i n g s f o l l o w e d b y a n a l lg ro u p m e et i n g . A s c h a i r o f a co m m i t te e , I w a s automati c a l l y a memb er of the E A I B o a r d , w h i c h m e t b e f o r e c o m m i t te e m e e t i n g s b e g a n . Fo r t u n a te l y, I w a s

b l e s s e d w i t h a te a m o f co m m i t te e m emb er s. A n e a r l y a s s i g n m en t w a s to p re s en t to the B o a rd a w r itten record of our committee’s a nnua l go a l s, l isting those c r iter i a a g a i ns t w h i c h we co u l d m e a s u re o u r s u cce s s t h ro u g h o u t t h e y e a r. D eter m i n e d to

p ro v e my s e l f e a r n e s t a n d u p to t h e j ob, I sp en t h o u r s d r a f t i n g t h e re p o r t , d e c i d i n g w h at o u r g o a l s s h o u l d b e. B e i n g t h e d u t if u l t y p e , I a r r i v e d a t t h e B o a r d m e e t i n g t h at m o r n i n g w i t h co p i e s o f my co m m i tte e ’ s g o a l s , t y p e d i n t h e re q u i s i te f o r m at . A f te r t h e B o a r d m e e t i n g , I w a s r e a d y f o r m y c o m m i t te e m e e t i n g . I f e l t g o o d a b o u t my e f f o r t s. A l l I n e e d e d w a s to g et t h e o t h er s o n my co m m i t te e to a g re e to w h at I ’d a l re a d y p res en te d to t h e B o a rd . I w a s n ’ t s e e k i n g f e e d b a c k , m e r e l y a r u bb er s t a m p o f a pp r o v a l a n d a c o mm i t m e n t to h e l p w i t h t h e w o r k . A s t h e p e r s o n o n t h e c o m m i t te e w h o s e t s the a gend a , keeps the minutes, and shows u p e v e r y m o n t h , I f e l t I w a s d o i n g t h e o t h er s a f av o r b y s h o u l d er i n g t h e b u l k o f t h e wo r k . Bu t w h en f i r s t o n e , t h en a n o t h er m emb e r o f t h e c o m m i t te e (t w o f e l l o w s w h o w e r e n ’ t a l w a y s i n a t te n d a n c e , n o l e s s ! ) b e g a n to q u e s t i o n a s p e c t s o f m y d o c ument, I w a s sec retl y f ur i ous. Any cha nges would mean I’d have to re w rite the repor t, m a k e m o re co p i e s f o r t h e B o a rd , a n d u l -

Non-abstinence, while it may not start with the food, always ends with it.

t i m ate l y s u b m i t t h e re p o r t a m o n t h l ate. Th at wo u l d e x p o s e t h e f a c t t h at I h a d n ’ t g o t te n a c o n s e n s u s b e f o re c re a t i n g o u r committee’s go a l s, ma king me app e a r a rr o g a n t , d i s o r g a n i z e d , a n d i n c a p a b l e o f leadership. Worse, I would expose myself a s n o t b e i n g a s f a r a l o n g i n my re co v er y a s o t h er s o n t h e B o a rd . R at h er t h a n co ns i d er i n g my t wo co mm i t te e m e m b e r s ’ c o m m e n t s , I , a s t a c tf u l l y a s I c o u l d , a r g u e d w i t h t h e m . I f o u n d re a s o ns w hy t h e i r q u e s t i o ns were s p u r i o u s , u n d e r m i n e d t h e i r l o g i c , a n d s u b t l y h i n te d t h a t t h e i r p o o r a t te nd a n c e m a d e t h e i r s u g g e s t i o n s u n d e ri n f o r m e d . I a l m o s t t h r e a te n e d t h a t i f c h a n g e s w e r e r eq u i r e d , t h e y ’d h a v e to b e m a d e b y s o m e o n e e l s e , a s I ’d d o n e e n o u g h . I d i d n ’ t g o t h a t f a r, b u t I w a s n ’ t w i l l i n g to g e t o u t o f t h e d r i v e r ’ s s e at !

I c a n ’ t rem em b er h o w I p re v a i l e d , b u t I d i d . Th e d o c u m en t I ’d p ro d u ce d w a s a pp ro v e d , a n d w e w e n t o n to d e c i d e n e x t s te p s to m e et o u r g o a l s . It w a s u g l y a n d m a n i p u l at i v e o f m e , b u t I a s s u re d my s e l f t h at I ’d s av e d e v er y o n e a l o t o f e f f o r t .

D r i v i n g h o m e f r o m t h e m e e t i n g t h a t

Su n d ay m o r n i n g , h o we v er, I f e l t a g ro w -

i n g r e s e n t m e n t a t h o w m u c h I w a s f o rce d to d o, f e l t re a l a n g er at my f e l l o w s f o r n o t d o i n g a s m u c h a s I d i d , a n d e x p e-

r i e n c e d a p o w e r f u l d e s i r e to e a t . I w a s h u n g r y en o u g h to e at a b e a r.

T h a n k f u l l y, I d i d n ’ t e a t . No t t h a t d a y. Bu t s o m e we e k s l ater, I h a d a b re a k . No t a h u g e b i n g e ; i t w a s a s m a l l i n f r a c t i o n , b u t i t w a s a b r e a k . Wi t h i t , a l o n g w i t h h a v i n g to l o s e m y s p o n s e e s , l e a v e m y AWO L , a nd stay si lent at business meeti n g s , I w a s r e m i n d e d t h a t n o n - a b s t in e n c e , w h i l e i t m a y n o t s t a r t w i t h t h e f o o d , a l w a y s e n d s w i t h i t . I ’ m s t i l l i n FA , a n d c o n t i n u e to s t r u gg l e w i t h s e l f - i m p o rt a n c e , s t i l l f i n d m y s e l f t r y i n g to p ro v e I a m e n o u g h a n d d o en o u g h. I ’ m sti l l prone to resentm en t . Af ter m o re t h a n 1 5 y e a r s o f b a c kto - b a c k a b s t i n e n c e , t h e s e d e f e c t s a r e m u c h l e s s o f a p r o b l e m . W h a t I ’ v e l e a r n e d , t h r o u g h o n e d a y a t a t i m e w e i g h i n g a n d m e a s u r i n g m y l i f e (a n d food!), is that I’m per fectl y norma l. I pray f o r h u m i l i t y. I c h e c k my m o t i v e s. I t r y to b e t h e p er s o n I b e l i e v e Go d w a n t s m e to b e , a n d I o f te n a s k f o r h e l p. A n d l i f e k e e p s g et t i n g b et ter.

An o n y m o u s

I tr y to be the person

I believe God wants me to be, and I o en ask for help.

And life keeps getting better.

My Tr ue Colors

Iw a s ab out 14 ye a rs old , hel ping my mom set things out on a picnic table, w hen I he a rd my d ad s ay that I to ok a er his side of the family, who were " on the hippy side, too. " I w a s stunned. I had on a p a ir of B ermud a shor t s in a l i g ht kha ki color, and later that day I looked in the mirror a nd noti ced that the l i g hter color tended to draw more attention to my lower ha lf. I w a s not f at, but I d i d c a rr y a l ittle extra weight on my hips.

From then on, I chose onl y d a r k colors from the waist down. I never wore anything w ith hor izonta l st r i p es, a nd ne ver, e ver,

wore br i g ht, w a rm colors l i ke red s, hot pinks, or oranges. I d idn’t w ant any attention cal led to my g ure, especial l y w hen I started gaining weight.

Food was an important emotional factor in our family. I began to use food as a bu er to ease d iscomfort and keep feel ings of infer i or it y at b ay. Fo o d acted a s a n emotional banda ge and cured ever ything from skinned knees to lonel iness, b ec ause for several years I was a "latchkey” kid. My folks celebrated the end of the work week with sc r umpti ous fo o d e ver y Fr i d ay ni g ht. I learned to bake by watching my mom.

CARYL W , UK/SOUTH AFRICA

As a teena ger, I had the usua l self-consciousness about my looks. I was not fat, but no one would c a l l me skinny. If I recei ved brig ht-colored clothes for Christmas or my birthday, I onl y wore them as a l ayer w ith d arker colors. Ever y time I saw myself in a mirror or re ecti on in a store w indow or g l a ss do or, I checked to see i f my hi ps lo oked to o bi g , a nd the y a l w ays d id.

Ab out 50 ye a rs l ater, I found FA . I rejoi ced w hen I lost 10 inches o my hi ps. When it came to clothing size, losing those inches made al l the weighing and measuring of my fo o d , going to meetings, using the tools of the program, or any inconvenience doing ser v ice, of l ittle matter.

Today, I am caref ul when I pick out clothing b ec ause I sti l l have va g ue feel ings of doubt and insecurit y when it comes to my appearance; howe ver, the abject humi l iation is gone. I have white, khaki, and pastelcolored pants in my wardrobe. I have shirts w ith horizonta l stripes and red , hot pink, orange, chartreuse green, and bright yellow skir t s a nd blouses. I no longer fe a r these colors. I have a ne w attitude about myself. It d id not happen overnight, but I see positi ve cha nges a l most e ver y d ay, a nd I a m gratef ul that FA, my Higher Power, and my sp onsor have hel p ed me de a l w ith the ups and dow ns of l ife. I know I could not have done it on my ow n.

Judy B., Maine, US

Our common welfare should come rst; personal recovery depends on FA unity.

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively.

Each group should be autonomous except in matters a ecting other groups or FA as a whole.

Each group has but one primary purpose –to carry its message to the food addict who still su ers.

An FA group ought never endorse, nance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and lms.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

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12.

One Step Closer to Freedom

Id i d n ’ t have a choi ce b efore. When a crav ing would hit, I had to eat. Period. ere was no pause, no phone call, and no st reng th to g ht it. I ate, a nd then the food always took me to the same pit of despair. A horri c c ycle of bingeing , laxatives, cleansing , and then more bingeing would take over.

Once I c a me into FA, I had hop e that there wa s another way. I got abstinent and found a ne w way and a ne w peace. A er a year or so, when I was no longer experiencing the intense p a in of add i cti ve e ating , I star ted to get complacent w ith my tools. I told myself that I w a s bus y w ith other things and had impor tant things to do.

I d idn’t share this w ith my sponsor or my fel lows. en fol lowed the rational iz ation that eating a l ittle extra something w a sn ’ t that bad, and before I kne w it, I had justied my way into another horrible c ycle of bingeing and f ul l-blow n relapse. is c ycle went on for my rst six years in FA, so I experienced being in my rst 90 days a lot.

A er one p a r ti cul a r l y p a inf ul rel apse, a thought came to me during my quiet time. I real ized that I had the ans wer and ticket to freedom, which was to f ully surrender to the entire pro g ra m, not just to the p a r t s that I approved of, l iked, and wanted to do,

but to surrender to a l l of it, even the hard par ts that I d idn’t l i ke or understand.

I realized that taking suggestions that didn ’ t make sense was probabl y the most valuable action I could take. If the sug gestions were ea s y and I wanted to do them, I probabl y would have done them a long time a go! e morning I re a l ized that, i f I wor ked the to ol s of FA a s i f my l i fe depended on it (because it really did), I would not have to hur t myself w ith food a gain.

Undoubted l y, the d iscomfor t of b eing caught in a food craving is horribly uncomfor table. But so is bingeing to the point of physical pain, remorse, self-hatred, and isol ati on. In that qui et time, I re a l ized that there was going to be discomfort in my life, but now I had a choi ce. One opti on w a s the d iscomfor t I kne w so wel l ; the bl ack hole of bingeing and purging in active food addiction. e other option was to face the d iscomfor t of my emotions, sit w ith those feel ings, use my tools, and learn how to experience d iscomfor t w ithout food.

Eventually, I learned to trust that the craving would pass, and what a miracle and surreal experience that wa s. e beautif ul gi f rom r i d ing out a c rav ing w ithout e ating wa s that I found myself one step closer to f reedom a nd one exp er i ence closer to

God.

One day at a time, one abstinent moment at a time, I have learned how to be uncomfor table w ithout hav ing to put something in my mouth. Eleven years later, I have ac-

JEANNE L , WA

cepted the value of facing life on life’s terms a nd b eing taug ht to sta nd in a pl ace of hop e, joy, a nd f reedom f rom acti ve fo o d add iction.

Ti any P., California, US

Fi l l ing Go d’s Bac kpac k

I’ ve been stud y ing the Twelve Steps in AWO L m e et i n g s f o r 2 0 y e a r s I ’ v e learned that the primar y reason I work t h e s te p s i s to b u i l d a c l o s er re l at i o ns h i p w ith God and that this rel ati onship g i ves me d irection to l i ve a s a spiritua l being in the physic a l world.

In d i s e a s e , I co u l d n ’ t s e e h o w Go d w a s wor king in my l i fe b ec ause of my f ather’s death, lost oppor tunities, etc. I interpreted s u r v i v i n g s e v ere a l co h o l p o i s o n i n g a s a te en a n d a s u i c i d e at tem p t i n my 2 0 s a s p ro o f t h at Go d d i d n ’ t c a re a b o u t m e. I thoug ht that if God had c ared , I would’ve d i e d a n d b e en s et f re e f ro m my h o r r i b l e l ife.

In recover y, I recognize that my thinking w a s ro o te d i n s e l f - cen tere d f e a r a n d s e l fpit y. I am gratef ul that God kept me a l i ve bec ause I found FA in Apri l 1998 R ecover y c l e a re d my m i n d a n d m a d e m e av a i la b l e f o r co nv er s at i o ns a b o u t a h i g h er power With quiet time, I star ted bui ld ing a rel ationship w ith God. I began to understand the impor tance of this rel ati onship and how it ha s a ected my l ife in so many situations. In abstinence, looking for spiritua l experi ences ha s become a habit. e more I look, the more I see God in action

I am a l so increa sing l y able to see my pa st

t h ro u g h a d i eren t l ens a n d re co g n i ze many people w ho c ared about and for me

In 2007, I w a s the youth d irector of my c h u rc h, w h ere I a cco m p a n i e d te ens to work camp w here we performed home rep a irs. As a f a ith-b a sed orga niz ati on, e ach e v en i n g t h ere were a c t i v i t i e s f o r t h e g roups, one of w hi ch w a s rep or ting Go d si g htings. Teens would rep or t something t h at h a d h a p p en e d d u r i n g t h e d ay t h at s h o we d t h em Go d w a s wo r k i n g i n t h e i r l i v e s. e y wo u l d s t a n d a n d c l a i m s e eming l y inconsequentia l incidents to be God sightings As I l istened, I real ized they were a c t i v e l y l o o k i n g f o r Go d e v er y d ay, a nyw here, and e ver y w here. How could I nd fault in that?

is rea l iz ation that I could nd God at a ny t i m e w a s e v i d en ce d b y e v en t s i n my l i f e W h en my h us b a n d w a s 3 8 , h e h a d a s t ro k e. It s t a r te d w h en h e w a s at a p rekindergar ten acti v it y w ith our son. He att r i b u te d t h e h e a d a c h e to t h e k i d s ’ n o i s e a n d h i s u ns te a d y l e g to s i t t i n g at a sm a l l k i d - s i ze d d e s k . He d ro v e t h e ten -m i n u te ride home before col l apsing in the house; a couple of minutes earlier, it could’ve been a ver y d i erent stor y. But it w a sn ’ t.

He e v en t u a l l y n e e d e d r a d i at i o n t re atment on his brain. God was there through-

out that experience. We couldn’t have been ta ken c are of any better. I had worked at a l o c a l h o sp i t a l a n d h a d h e a l t h i ns u r a n ce t h at a l l o we d us to g o to o n e o f t h e b e s t h o sp i t a l s i n t h e a re a . We p a i d o n l y a t i ny fraction of the tota l med ic a l costs. Under our pre v ious insurance pl ans, we would’ve been w iped out nancia l l y.

I wor ked in a non-med i c a l dep a r t ment a n d my m a n a g er w a s a n u r s e. In FA , I ’ v e l e a r n e d to a s k f o r h e l p. I c a l l e d my m a na ger to see w hat questions I should be a ski n g a n d f o l l o we d u p w i t h h er w h en my husband w a s moved to the intensi ve c are unit. Had I not had that job, I would have done that research myself, but I d idn’t have to; I just c a l led my boss.

W h en I w a s i n h i g h s c h o o l , t h e g y m teacher recognized a staph infection in my knee, w hich saved me from losing my leg.

When I was caught drinking on the school b us a n d g o t d eten t i o n, t h e p r i n c i p a l s elected me to work on an ac ademic project

t h at h e l p e d m e m a k e b et ter c h o i ce s.

When I w a s arrested for shopl i ing food a er my f at h er d i e d , my em p l o y er wen t out of her way to let me know she bel ieved i n m e a n d wo u l d sp e a k o n my b e h a l f, i f needed.

I d idn’t initia l l y recognize that these incidents from my teens and t wenties were ind i c at i o ns o f Go d ’ s c a re. At b e s t , I m i g h t have thought myself lucky, but my self-pit y a n d n e g at i v i t y a b o u t l i f e p re v en te d e v en

that much acknow led g ment. a nkf ul l y, throug h recover y, the recognition of spiritua l experiences is retroacti ve.

Por tions of the AA Big Book d i erentiate b et we en a n “i m m e d i ate a n d o v erw h e l m i n g ” sp i r i t u a l aw a k en i n g a n d t h e more prolonged “educational variet y, ” noti n g t h at f r i en d s o r f a m i l y m ay n o t i ce c h a n g e s r s t . I ’ v e h a d p e o p l e co m m en t about how I’ve changed , but I’ve a l so seen variations in my attitudes and behavior. I’ve w itnessed uncomfor table or hosti le situations resolved by word s coming out of my mouth, yet the thoug hts behind them rea l l y had not been my ow n.

When I w a s ne w to FA, I had to depend o n o t h er p e o p l e ’ s sp i r i t u a l e x p er i en ce s. I heard fel lows ta l k about God ta king c are of them in w ays that were be yond coincidenta l. Now I have plent y of my ow n spiritual experiences that have led to a spiritual aw a k en i n g o f t h e “ e d u c at i o n a l v a r i et y. ” I p i c t u re i t a s m e a d d i n g sp i r i t u a l e x p er iences, one at a time, to a backpack God’s b a c k p a c k t h at I a l w ay s c a r r y w i t h m e. Each experience is a unique item that I toss i n. I a m g r ate f u l f o r e a c h i n d i v i d u a l i tem and , col lecti vel y, the y are proof of a God w ho ha s been ta king c are of me in w ays I either couldn’t or wouldn’t do on my ow n.

How could I not deci de to turn my l i fe over to the care of a God, who’s been working so hard to prov ide for and protect me?

Ang ie R ., New York , US

Driv ing Tow ard R ecover y

Ic a me to FA in Jul y 2014 b ec ause my l ife had become consumed with food,

n e g a t i v e t h o u g h t s , a n d p a r a l y z i n g fe a r. Pr i or to joining FA, I had conv inced myself I wa s a bad driver. I couldn’t go anyw here that required me to get on a hi g hway. My husband wa s sick of my outbursts e ver y time I had to d r i ve on a hi g hw ay, a s wel l a s hav ing to work a l l day, come home, a n d t h e n t a k e m e p l a c e s . My c h i l d re n were tired of b eing told the y could not go out if I had to ta ke them. Little d id I know t h a t b e i n g i n FA w o u l d re q u i re m e to d r i v e to t h re e m e e t i n g s a w e e k v i a t h e hi g hw ay. I w a s told by fel lows to a sk Go d f o r h e l p a n d p u t G o d a t t h e s te e r i n g w h e e l . I d ro v e to t h o s e we e k l y m e et i n g s t r y i n g to l o o s en my g r i p o n t h e s te er i n g w heel and putting God in the driver’s seat.

In Au g u s t 2 0 2 0 , I re c e i v e d a d re a d e d phone c a l l f rom my mom at 5 a m. My i l l f ather p a ssed aw ay in his sleep. I l i ved f a r aw a y f ro m my p a re n t s . Th e w o r l d h a d t u r n e d u p s i d e d o w n d u e to C o v i d . We w e re a f r a i d to f l y o n a i r p l a n e s , w e w e re fe a r f ul of publ i c pl aces, a nd we were def initel y not sure i f we should be travel ing to a nother state. Howe ver, I had a st rong re-

sp o n s i b i l i t y to my f a m i l y a n d w a n te d to b e there w ith them. Af ter qui et time, my s p o n s o r c a l l , a n d a d i s c u s s i o n w i t h my fami l y, I w a s on the road the next d ay trave l i n g m o re t h a n 1 , 0 0 0 m i l e s to a n o t h e r state w ith my 20-ye a r-old son. That, in its e l f, i s a m i r a c l e. In o n e l i f e e x p er i en ce , I used Go d , my pro g ra m, a nd a l l the to ol s t h a t h a d b e e n s u g g e s te d to m e . I o v e rc a me fe a r, made decisi ons, a nd w a s present for p eople that I love de a r l y.

That dri ve d id something for me. It gave m e t h e c o n f i d e n c e to d r i v e t h o s e s a m e ro a d s s e v e r a l m o re t i m e s . It s h o w e d m e that FA is chang ing me in w ays I ne ver anti ci p ated. I made phone c a l l s to fel lows. I l istened to p o dc a st s. I d i d some w r iting . I to o k t i m e to c l o s e my e y e s a n d a s k Go d to help me be suppor tive and lov ing to my f a mi l y. I a l so l istened to some g re at musi c a nd had g re at convers ati ons w ith my son ( w h e n h e w a s aw a k e ) . Th e s e to o l s w e re n o t p a r t o f my l i f e b e f o re ; to d a y, I l o v e them! I a m a d i fferent p erson b ec ause of t h at d r i v e a n d t h i s p ro g r a m. To d ay I c a n be sure that, w ith God and FA, I c an d ri ve the ro ad to recover y.

Pam P , Te x as, US

Bi kini?

It was a blazingly hot, sunny day and as I was walking my dog in the triple-digit air, I heard my neighbor call my name. She was sitting by the pool and remarked good-natured l y on the heat. I responded cheerfully and dabbed at the perspiration on my face. My neighbor then said something odd. She said she had a bikini for me. Startled, I said kindly yet rmly, “I don’t do bikinis.” My neighbor started laughing and said, “Not bikini, I said zucchini!”

“Oh!” I said, without missing a beat, “I do zucchinis.”

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the di erence.