FA Stories of Recovery from Food Addiction
!""#$%&'%(")&*"+,
November 2023 $2.50
November 2023
Columns Qualification: Overweight My Whole Life. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 First 90 Days: Recovery Trail. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 No Matter What: First Christmas. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15 Lighten Up: Kernel of Wisdom. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17
Features Fashion Freedom. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 Carrying Me Through. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .6 Drama Card Revoked. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .8 Treading Onward. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 A Better Way. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12 Miracles. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .14
Subscribe Go to our website: www.food ad d i c ts.or g and have connection delivered to your home.
Credits Cover Art: Jennifer T., ME Graphic Design: Tickled Plum
Share your story & artwork If you have 90 days of continuous abstinence in FA, connection invites you to share your experience, strength, and hope with us. E-mail submissions to articles@foodaddicts.org or art@foodaddicts.org
Glossary of Terms FA: Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous AA: Alcoholics Anonymous AWOL: A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps Big Book: Alcoholics Anonymous 1 Stone = 14 pounds 1 Kilo = approx. 2.2 pounds Copyright © 2023 Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous 400 W. Cummings Park, Suite 1700 Woburn, MA 01801-6572
Qualification
Overweight My Whole Life
I
was a grazer, snacking on unhealthy food throughout the day, like an IV drip of comfort. I knew that I ate when I was bored, tired, angry, frustrated, or elated, but I hadn’t made the connection that I was eating because I was feeling those feelings. I don’t think I ever knew what it meant to be truly physically hungry because I would get emotionally hungry well before my body recognized that it was time for another meal. Over the years, I tried to lose weight by dieting, fasting, exercising, or eating only at certain times of the day. I joined gyms and bought exercise equipment, but I had no success in sticking to any regime for longer than a few weeks. Once I reached my 40s, I basically gave up trying to lose weight. I would occasionally still buy some gym equipment, but I felt completely powerless to stop myself from eating. I knew that if I thought about a particular kind of food, it would only be a matter of time before I ate. I did not have any ability to stop myself once the idea came into my head. I knew that I was addicted to food, but I had never thought to look for a solution until one night a little less than two years ago. I turned 50 earlier that year, and that made me reflective. I was trying to make small connection
changes in my life, but I had long since given up on trying to change my weight. I had been overweight my whole life, and I figured that was just how the rest of my life was going to be. I had no hope. The school where I worked decided to make well-being a focus and theme for the next academic year. I was supposed to lead the school in this effort. How could someone who looked like me be a role model for well-being in my community? I thought about that a lot over the summer and had no good answers until I found FA. As I was watching a TV show about AA, I was thinking, It’s not fair that alcoholics get to have meetings; there are no meetings for people who are addicted to food. I decided that if there were meetings for my addiction, I would go to them. A few minutes later, I realized that maybe there were, so I searched online for “meetings for food addiction.” FA was one of the options on the first page. There was something about the FA website that drew me in. As I started to explore, I found a list of phone numbers of people to call. As soon as I woke up the next morning, I called someone who asked if I had a sponsor. I had heard of sponsors in relation to AA, but I had no 1
idea what they did or why I needed one. Thankfully, that lady was not deterred by my ignorance. She told me to go out and buy specific ingredients for breakfast and offered to help me find a sponsor, and that person is still my sponsor today. Since that fateful day, I have been to the doctor for my annual health check. I was 223 pounds when I started the program. Now, 18 months later, I weigh 122 pounds. Before FA, my cholesterol was in the unhealthy range, but now shows good levels of HDL and LDL, and my triglycerides are also in the normal range. What a difference no flour and no sugar make. By simply taking the next right step, I lost 100 pounds, one day at a time. This is completely miraculous! Now that I am in a right-sized body, I can buy pretty much anything off the rack. One of my favorite places to buy clothes is the secondhand shop because there are so many unique items. I now fit into almost any article of clothing, and when something doesn’t fit, it is often too big, rather than too small. I used to buy whatever happened to fit, regardless of whether I thought it suited me or not. Now I have trouble deciding what to buy and what to leave behind, since everything fits. When I first heard about the food plan in FA, I didn’t think I could do it. No flour and no sugar? I think those were the primary ingredients in most of my foods. And I didn’t like cooking, so I doubted I could prepare 2
the food. I worried that I would get some kind of complicated cookbook. I was extremely pleased to find out how simple our food is. I really think that if I can follow this program, anyone can. Before coming into FA, I knew I needed boundaries around my food, but I couldn’t figure out what they were supposed to be. Low calorie? Low carb? Low fat? More meat? Less meat? I tried all those and more, but nothing seemed to work. And since I was always eating out or eating ready-made foods, I could never keep the boundaries in place. There was a voice screaming in my head, I don’t know what to eat! Someone, just tell me what to eat, and I will eat it. FA gave me the boundaries I need, helped me figure out what to eat, and taught me how to prepare my own food. I am so grateful to have answers to questions that plagued me for decades. My addict brain is finally satisfied, and that has allowed my life to open up to new possibilities. I can slow down and appreciate important things, such as the people around me. I recognize when I am getting agitated and need to take quiet time. Before coming into Program, I was living my life at the speed of light, but now I am living my life at the pace of a nice walk in the forest on a Sunday morning. That is the pace I aim for these days. I don’t always succeed, but it’s progress, not perfection, right? Shaney C., Japan November 2023
First 90 Days
ROBIN M., NY
B
Recovery Trail
efore coming to FA, I spent many decades, thousands of dollars, and enormous amounts of energy on futile attempts to lose weight. I procrastinated (I’ll start on Monday), rationalized, and filled my head with empty promises, half-hearted commitments, and crazy thoughts to lose weight. I tried many unbalanced diets, like eating only fruit for a week, having a huge bowl of cabbage soup, or eating a grapefruit before every meal. None worked. My thinking was no help either. Vowing to eat only when hungry or switching to sugarfree desserts led to endless cycles of craving, day-long grazing, then guilt and shame, folconnection
lowed by more cravings, more grazing, and on and on. If I was fortunate enough to lose a pound or two, I’d tell myself that was enough deprivation and go back to eating addictively, gaining back those lost pounds plus more. If I were a toy, I’d be a yo-yo. (Thanks to a fellow in FA, I recently learned that yo-yo is an acronym for, “You’re on your own!”) So what happened that got me to FA? At age 76, I earned a new label as a prediabetic. My lab work confirmed it, which scared me because I’d lost my husband of 54 years to heart disease and diabetes only months before. Being a nurse, I knew exactly where the 3
Twelve Traditions diabetic “trail” would lead, and I was determined not to go there. I prayed harder than ever to find a solution, and one Sunday at church, God provided it. There in my church bulletin was an announcement for an FA meeting. The contact person listed was a fellow choir member who, during the Covid19 pandemic, lost over 200 pounds. I thought, If she can do it, maybe I can, too. I attended my first meeting and what a healthy, happy group I found! They were all smiling, talking, and looking so well in their right-sized bodies. I was overwhelmed with all the new information but realized that I was in the right place. Someone showed me the Twenty Questions - Are You a Food Addict? card and my results, plus hearing the stories of members at that first meeting, were conclusive. I was home. I got a sponsor the next day and started my plan of action. Within my first 90 days, I lost over 25 pounds. The plan worked and is still working. My lab results are now normal; no more prediabetic status for me. God has truly done for me what I could never have done for myself. I’m still a work in progress. I’m so grateful for this program, my sponsor, and my fellows everywhere. I love my abstinent life! I now have a new purpose: to help share my program with others and to live more serenely and sanely, one day at a time. Thank you, God! Linda W., Florida, US 4
1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on FA unity. 2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. 3. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively. 4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or FA as a whole. 5. Each group has but one primary purpose – to carry its message to the food addict who still suffers. 6. An FA group ought never endorse, finance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. 7. Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions. 8. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. 9. FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. 10. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. 11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films. 12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous November 2023
W
Fashion Freedom
hen I was heavy, the only cri- could shop at any store, but I didn’t yet reteria I had for purchasing alize that I still did not know who I was. I clothes were, one, did it fit spent my whole life trying to hide and fit in, and two, would it hide the fact that I was so I never really developed a sense of idenmorbidly obese? tity based on my interests and values. I Before coming into recovery, my whole shopped at second-hand shops trying diflife was spent trying ferent styles. Did I like to lose weight and skirts? Jeans? Leghide the fact that I gings? Dresses? In retI spent my whole life was more than 100 rospect, I bought pounds overweight. some items that I trying to hide and fit in, The highest number would never wear I saw on the scale so I never really developed now, but I am so was 286 pounds, grateful that I gave a sense of identity based on myself the space to try and today I hover around 160. Ever new things. my interests and values. since I can rememToday I have the ber, going to the confidence to wear doctor for my yearly checkup was a what I like because I like it. I take care of my dreaded task, as my weight and height were clothing, and I show up clean and presentalways above average, even as a child. I was able. Before FA, my jeans rubbed together over five feet tall and 100 pounds by first to the point where they had holes in the grade. All I wanted was to fit in and it always thighs. I would throw clothes on the floor felt out of reach. To top it off, I constantly and leave them for months. In FA, God compared myself to my twin sister who was gave me the gift to explore what I like and an average size as well as one of the popular be creative with the way I show up in the girls. world. My energy isn’t spent trying to diet Fast forward to four years ago when I first or hide but is now spent being the person came into FA. At age 22, I lost the weight my Higher Power wants me to be. within a year. For the first time in my life, I Grace A., Israel connection
5
Carrying Me Through
F
our years into Program, my mar- changed. This time I heard, “You do riage came to an end. On our know what to do. You will weigh and twentieth wedding anniversary, measure your food, take your calls, make we spent the day looking at a house for your calls, and thank God for your abstimy husband to move into, which he did nence.” I went upstairs and told my husthree or four weeks later. My oldest son band we couldn't live together anymore, got married two and he moved out weeks after that, and soon thereafter. I get to do amazing service three weeks later, I was so frightened my two younger the idea of taking as a result of being abstinent by children left for colcare of myself, so lege. Where there afraid I would not and the incredible had been four adults make enough and three pets, sudmoney to pay the fellowship around me. denly there was just bills. Over the years, me and the animals. I somehow forgot I cannot receive My marriage had that I had mainbeen emotionally tained a home for without giving abusive for over half me and my young and I cannot give of those 20 years, son. In the first year and I told anyone on my own, I was without receiving. who would listen amazed to see that I just how awful my had made more husband was. People often asked, “Why money than ever! I worked hard, and don't you leave?” I always answered, “I people hired me and supported my jourdon't know. I don't know how I would ney into the world of full-time work and support myself.” paying a mortgage. I did my one percent, Even into my fourth year of abstinence, and my HP did the rest. Through fellowthe answer was always the same, until one ship, service, and AWOLs I was able to morning in quiet time, something maintain my abstinence and pass on what 6
November 2023
connection
SA N
M,
NY
carried me through all the major changes in my life, including the birth of my first grandchild. I was able to share that joy with the same fellows who had walked me through one of the most difficult times. Recovery continues and life continues. Two and a half years after separating, the divorce is final, I am learning about mortgages, and a second grandbaby is on the way. I received a grant to support my dream of doing artwork more regularly, and I am busier than ever with the work I do to pay the bills. I am finishing my fourth AWOL, and my first as a co-leader. I get to do amazing service as a result of being abstinent and the incredible fellowship around me. I cannot receive without giving and I cannot give without receiving. Susan M., New York, US SU
had so freely been given to me. I started divorce proceedings one year after the separation. Again, I was supported by this incredible fellowship. I was able to hire a lawyer and walk through the process with fellows and God around me. A fellow who worked down the street from my lawyer came to the first appointment and quietly supported me. I was beginning the process of officially ending something I had hoped would last a lifetime, and she was just there—no questions, no judgments—just present. I learned a lot from her that day. In FA, I was taught to bookend, which is simply to call before and after when I have a hard task. I did exactly that with this same FA friend when the time came to sign the final divorce document nine months later. The program and the fellowship have
7
Drama Card Revoked I had to go to the bank the day I helped I didn’t have much cash on me because my boyfriend move out of state. I had all my cash went to buy food. When I got been making two or three bank runs every to the correct exit, I didn’t have enough week because I wrote checks for food money to pay the toll and I got myself all when I had no money, and then I would wound up. That wasn’t difficult, because cash checks and deposit that money so while driving around lost the previous the previous ones wouldn’t bounce. Every hour or so, I’d been going over and over week, my paycheck was spent long before the events in my head with the sole goal I received it. of placing blame. It was my boyfriend’s We were driving fault because he wasseparate vehicles ben’ t where he was supI stopped blaming others cause I would be reposed to be. It was turning later and my New York State’s and took responsibility boyfriend didn’t fault for charging want to drive the for my actions, even when outrageous tolls. moving truck Unfortunately, the it was uncomfortable. downtown. So, this toll booth worker bank run meant we was the recipient of had to split up and planned to meet later. all my fear and frustration. I tearfully and I took longer than expected at the bank, forcefully told my story, as if it were his and because the truck drove more slowly, fault. He had no use for my drama and my boyfriend assumed I’d arrived at the waved me through with a, “Whatever, rendezvous first, so he didn’t wait very lady.” long at the designated spot. This hap- With no food or money to get any, I pened long before we had cell phones, so smoldered for the next two hours until I I had no way to contact him to say I was saw my boyfriend and told him how inlost and didn’t know where I was going. considerate he was for leaving me This was also before GPS. I ended up tak- stranded and alone. About a year later, we ing the wrong exit on the interstate and got married, and almost three years after had to pay a toll to turn around. that I found FA. 8
November 2023
FA did not immediately solve a lifetime of addictive thinking and behavior, but my sponsor’s suggestions to weigh my food accurately, call other fellows daily, and show up to meetings on time provided a good start. That moving day happened nearly 30 years ago, and I’m grateful to say that I no longer grapple with drama that featured so largely in my life in disease. I can still experience unmanageability, but it does not compare to the consequences of my addictive eating and subsequent poor choices in every area of my life. Perhaps the worst part is that I could never see the role I played in my chaotic life. I thought bad things just happened to me. After a few AWOLs, I realized that I no longer had big dramatic events just happen to me. I stopped blaming others and took responsibility for my actions, even when it was uncomfortable. I also must remember that abstinence and neutrality around food don’t just happen. I work my program every day, which means working the steps, practicing honesty, being willing to take suggestions that I might bristle at initially, and using all the tools, including writing, which I called the “tool of last resort” for many, many years. Every tool has a purpose, and using every tool enriches my recovery. Angie R., New York, US connection
Twelve Steps 1. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous9
Treading Onward
L
istening to a friend complaining won every time, but my cravings just inabout his interrupted golf passion, creased. he said “I’ve now lost another toe Now that I’m in recovery, my goal is to and that really messes up my game. That have an awareness of the suffering of addamned diabetes is so awful.” He then diction and the path to contented abstihelped himself to another flour-sugar item nence. Although this may sound simple, from the cafe display. It occurred to me my experience of getting and staying abhow separated thinking could be from ac- stinent has not been easy. It has sometimes tion. been like Ulysses tied to the mast, enticed Neuroscientists, by the siren call of Buddhists, and colorful wrapped The only way to change Twelve Step fellows treats. At such seem to agree that my behavior is to take action. ... times, not only was thinking is like a first my attention vague draft for understandand slightly out of I interpret the phrase, ing reality and how focus, but I also lin“One day at a time” we fit into it. Thinkgered in that thinking also sends us ining, romancing the as “One moment at a time.” idea of sweet satisternal messages to do something when our faction and waves body needs it, messages like, “You are full. of pleasure right up until I paid my money, Stop eating!” broke open the promising package, and This communication could go wrong expected bliss, only to find it as empty as when we’re not attentive, if previous the holes it made in my teeth. trauma damaged the capacity to recog- I would berate myself as if I could think nize the message, or if, like me, the person myself into better behavior, but I have is obsessed with the goal of satisfying de- since learned from wiser folk that the only sire and has become an addict. For me, way to change my behavior is to take acthere was little opportunity for conscious tion. I now understand that my suffering course correction. Temporary satisfaction was caused by my addiction to food, and 10
November 2023
JODY J. NC
I have learned that the path to happiness is to pay attention to life as it happens and my responses so that I can take the necessary action. “Old habits die hard,” my grandmother used to say. Fortunately, I’m still on the path, a little calmer and wiser. I have struck down many resentments, fears, and cravings, but sometimes I meet unexpected events with old behaviors and thinking, simply out of habit. It’s very karmic; actions have sown seeds and now I reap the resulting flowers and weeds, even though I have already amended my ways. I interpret the phrase, “One day at a connection
time” as “One moment at a time.” When I am spiritually fit, I am aware, moment by moment, of old memories and feelings, perceptions, and attitudes that arise, yet I have the calmness and kindness to take the next right action, rather than surrendering to instant gratification. For me, the path to recovery is like that of a mountaineer. Having scaled the first peak of abstinence, I walk along the ridge line to reach the next. I must keep an eye on the objective and the immediate ground. The ridge falls away precipitously on both sides; on one side is inattention, and on the other is fear. I tread onward! Anonymous 11
T
A Better Way
his past February marked the three- unhealthy, ritualistic behaviors. Despite the year anniversary of the last time I instant gratification, I also experienced recovertly vomited on purpose. It was morse, sadness, defeat, and shame. Succumbthe last time I solemnly cleaned the “crime ing to that old vicious cycle is like a sucker scene,” washed my hands, gulped water, and punch squarely into the face of my self-esavoided eye contact in the mirror. It was the teem. last time I wanted to be anyone but myself. Bulimia was always the easy way out for me. Outwardly, that day came and went with- It allowed me to quickly rectify the sin of my out fanfare. It was just binge. It was infinitely another day in a coneasier than exercising The less I consume, tinuing string of days. my way out of the But on the inside, I calorie hole I dug or the less I must expel, felt a truckload of facing the regret of my pure happiness. I felt and the happier I feel inside. actions. Now, instead the way a person of choosing the easy should feel when any way out of my pain, I milestone is achieved, and I let the celebra- sit with it. Simply sitting with emotional pain tory feeling wash over me. Adding another and the urge to use addictive behavior is the whole year, a rung on my ladder, reinforced single toughest part of ongoing recovery. my simple, daily goal, which is to live without Something I've discovered, and it's been the chaos of my food addiction in tow. positively delightful, is that there are better Resisting the urge to binge and purge hasn't ways to deal with life other than purging my been easy. And it hasn't been without pain. food. However, it also turns out that some It's work and always will be. For example, forms of purging are positive, healthy, and there are certain foods that act like a siren's beneficial. For example, I write constantly. call when my emotions run amok. These are The moment I have an idea, I whip out my binge foods I love with all my senses, foods phone and type it into the notes app, where that won't leave me alone. Resisting is un- it safely remains until I'm ready to let it grow comfortable. It requires a Zen-like focus to roots. Knowing that those thoughts are not recall the ways these types of foods trigger lost or forgotten is vital. Purging my words 12
November 2023
and ideas satisfies my need to get them out swimsuit from summer to summer for 15 of my system. years. Why? Because she knew that swimI purge my stuff by constantly cleaning out ming was more important than the suit. Life a closet or two, paring down as much as pos- never demands perfection. It simply wants us sible to essentials and the items I truly love. to show up and participate. Ridding myself of useless stuff feels like therI purge negativity. I don't hide my feelings apy. And in recognition of how good it feels anymore, or stuff them down with food. to be free of unnecessary things and the emo- Hoarding negativity creates bitter piles of tional attachments that go with them, I ac- emotion that overflow into other parts of my tively stop myself from buying what I don't life and chip away at my resolve. Jealousy, need. Overbuying feeds my need to con- grudges, resentments, judgments, and anger sume. The less I consume, the less I must work overtime to resurrect my food addicexpel, and the happier tion. But if I actively I feel inside. purge those from my I try to halt my need to I purge complicasystem as they crop tions by keeping my up, I create more life as simple as possi- be perfect, feel perfect, and look space for authentic ble. I used to add peace. perfect to fully enjoy my life. joyAsandI purge problematic variables the lifeto my daily routine. sapping behaviors This type of behavior created stress and in- and beliefs that keep me stuck, my path to evitably stirred negative emotions that had honest purpose comes into focus, and my me turn to my old coping strategy. Like a the- character is increasingly defined. Each moater performance, the villain Bulimia entered ment added to my recovery brings me closer right on cue, stage left. These days I know I to my truest self. can't add extra stress or drama to the mix, or February and that special anniversary init may send me spinning. Meditation and deed came and went. Three years of clean yoga are the perfect antidotes on compli- and sober living without relapse. That's 1,095 cated days. days without a binge or a purge. It occurred I purge the idea of achieving perfection. I without a party, a proud declaration, or a try to halt my need to be perfect, feel perfect, greeting card. It was a regular day, privately and look perfect to fully enjoy my life. A acknowledged with my humble gratitude. great example is ending my yearly swimsuit That, and a truckload of happiness. purchase. My grandmother wore the same Kimberly V., Connecticut, US connection
13
E
Miracles
arly in my program, I heard the advice, “Don’t leave before the miracle happens.” I thought the miracle they talked about was losing weight, but I had lost weight many times, only to regain it. The miracle was keeping the weight off. I was 65 years old when I came into FA and had spent all my adult life bouncing between overweight and obesity. Attempt after attempt to keep the weight off only got me down to an “overweight” BMI (body mass index) score. Within six months of coming into FA and following the food plan my sponsor gave me, I finally reached a “normal” BMI rating. Of course, I never heard the term normal or a BMI score used as a guide in FA. Instead, I heard the phrase “right-sized body,” which made more sense to me. I was able to let go of worrying about the numbers on the scale as long as I weighed and measured my food. My focus gradually changed from being on a diet to having recovery from food addiction. The last time I heard the phrase “Don’t leave before the miracle happens,” it struck me what my miracle has been. I don’t take the term miracle lightly. Miracles are supernatural events. Nothing I do is miraculous. I don’t make miracles happen. When and if miracles occur, they come through a Higher 14
Power whom I choose to call God. The first miracle was when God led me into the rooms of FA. I was desperate enough to do anything the program required of me. It was then and only then that I was ready. The miracles are in the fulfillment of the promises that we read at each meeting. I have come to experience a new freedom and a new happiness. I can claim that promise now. I’ve been able to get out from under the burden of obsession with food, and the shame I felt being under the influence of my addiction. I comprehend the word serenity and live with greater peace in my relationship with my Higher Power. I don’t have peace and serenity every single day, but most days I do. And when I am disquieted or anxious, I can quickly turn that around. Quiet time, my sponsor, fellows, and the tools of the program help me get grounded. The Serenity Prayer is always answered when I ask for courage, serenity, and wisdom. Having clarity of mind when I’m not consuming flour and sugar allows me to respond differently to situations that used to baffle me. I know without a doubt that God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself. That is the miracle. Annie S., Ohio, US November 2023
No Matter What
First Christmas
I
remember my first Christmas in FA. I dinner. started working with a sponsor on DeOn Christmas Eve I ate my abstinent cember 1, so I was a newcomer when I meal. It was not easy. It was customary for traveled to my parent’s house for Christmas my family to eat slowly and sample a variety a few weeks later. On the first day of my of foods from many bowls and pots. They visit, food didn't come up as an issue. But were arranged on the table like a buffet. the next day, when I mentioned that I was Most of these dishes were cooked only at in a support group for food addicts and Christmas. Everyone was relaxed, in a good would be eating my mood, and taking own food on Christtheir time. I had only mas Eve, my mother Back then, I couldn't describe been abstinent for was puzzled. “Aren't weeks and had a these feelings as I can today. four you even going to weight loss eating taste Christmas dinplan. However, my I only felt one thing; ner?” she asked. My food was not the sister wisely sugproblem; the time I pressure to eat. gested that I explain had to spend at the to her why not. And table with my family that's when I told my family, for the first while they were still eating and chatting time at age 39, about all my suffering with seemed like forever. I ate my meal very food since I was a teenager. slowly on purpose, yet everyone at the table My father's uncertain features dropped didn't get to the main course until I was alinto a partial smirk. Apparently, he didn't ready finished. know how to handle this information. The Finally, dinner was over, and we were alsubject was new to him. My mother's face lowed into the next room to sit by the decbecame sad and she blinked back tears. orated tree. My little nephew was After that conversation, no one tried to wide-eyed, and everyone settled down on persuade me to join them for Christmas the rug and sofa. The fireplace was lit, and connection
15
the room was cozy. I was okay while we un- unbearable emptiness, loneliness, and fruswrapped the presents. But after that, I felt tration were back, even stronger. I felt an emptiness again, like in the years before FA. overwhelming urge to eat, but instead, I Everyone was busy and I felt that this beau- went to my room and wrote a text to a tiful evening was not enough for me. It did- good friend who is not in FA. I wrote that n’t satisfy me to be so close to my family I would probably have a relapse because the only on Christmas. I realized that through- urge to eat outside the eating plan was so out the rest of the year, we have nothing to strong. I didn't call anyone from FA, let say to each other and there is an emotional alone my sponsor. coldness, insecurity, To this day, I can't and uptightness. believe I didn't eat. I had endured two weeks Back then, I couldn't The fear of falling describe these feelback into my old of binge eating and two days ings as I can today. I habits and the shame only felt one thing; of what would hapof starvation. pressure to eat. pen if I failed in front A few days before, of my family cerI was in a desolate state. my sponsor had sugtainly helped me. But gested that, in momost of all, it was my ments like this, I should do some form of Higher Power. service. I had the idea that I would prepare Shortly before starting FA, I had endured and serve desserts and warm drinks for my two weeks of binge eating and two days of family. They would be more comfortable, starvation. I was in a desolate state. There and the serving duties would not be left to was no way I wanted to go back there. my mother. Today I acknowledge that When I spoke to my sponsor the day after there are plenty of other services more suit- Christmas and described the evening to able for me as a food addict. her, she said that I had been very close to I prepared the drinks and sweets for my breaking my abstinence and that, in the fufamily and made a cup of tea for myself. The ture, I should call her in such emergency sitfamily thanked me but didn't pay as much uations. How caring! I am so grateful that attention to the items as I would have liked. I chose to stay abstinent that Christmas and After all, they were already full and not ad- to this day. dicted to food. I finished my tea, and the Andrea S., Germany 16
November 2023
Lighten Up!
MEREDITH M., ME
Kernel of Wisdom
A
few years ago, when FA held a virtual business convention because of Covid, my daughter invited a few FA members to her house so we could participate in the convention together. During a discussion about one of the motions, someone mentioned popcorn. My 16-year-old grandson, who has had an abstinent mother his whole life, was walking by the room and overheard the discussion. Being knowledgeable about the nuances of FA, he joked, “So with popcorn, would that be one ounce of kernels, or six ounces popped?” We all shared a good fellowship laugh. Anonymous connection
17
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
