The
Michaelmas
Issue
EDITOR’S LETTER Dear Castle, With one more week to go the end of Michaelmas is in sight. Hopefully the Fresh are all feeling settled in, new Livers Out have learnt how to make something other than pesto pasta, and Finalists have actually done some work. This issue brings you a report of Ladies Night, an inside look at the best (and worst) of Livers Out houses, and the gossip from some of our Year Abroaders, alongside a number of different articles and features. As always, we would like to remind you that anyone and everyone can contribute to Floreat, and a special thanks to those who, however begrudgingly, have agreed to be featured in this issue. After this long term with the first essay crises, the horror of living through Lumière, and a fair few hangovers, Floreat would like to wish you all a fantastic Christmas, with a lot of home cooking, clean laundry, and spending some time with family (and more importantly, your dogs).
Floreat Castellum
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In this issue... 3. #CASTLE 4. Ladies Night Review 9. The Hetty Gittus Christmas List 10. Lumley Report 12. 8 Signs That You’re a College Food Thief 13. June Ball Theme Speculation 14. Livers’ Out Cribs 17. It’s Just a Bloody Puppy 18. Lost in Translation 24. Sharing is Caring 26. Battle of the Bars 28. Sympathetic Student Solutions 30. Gossip girl 32. The Back Page 2
A selection of Floreat design editor’s favourite snaps by castlemen - follow @oreatcastellum on Instagram for the chance to be made castle-famous in our next issue!
#CASTLE
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‘Oh what a night’ Three years and three perspectives on this year’s Ladies Night.
Jeremy Cowen, 1st year
18:30 Castle students descend on generic Italian restaurants -second-rate pizza acts as the perfect sponge for cocktails. 20:00 First wave of Ents guests arrive for champagne. Instagram and vanity is favoured over the harpist in the corner. 20:15 Mask goes on for the photo. 20:17 Mask removed, resulting in a cost/ time ratio of £4.49 per minute. Bargain. 21:40 Francis Sinclair is crowned the croquet champion. 22:47.32 The precise moment I buy Will Throp a drink. Also – and not unrelated – the happiest moment of my life. 22:57 Francis’ title is stripped as it becomes apparent that he actually plays nationals and is therefore not eligible. Lawsuits are threatened - but abandoned - as bubblegum ice cream is used to defuse the situation. 23:15 The secret addictions of Castle students are exposed on NG as bribes and sexual favours are offered in return for just ten more chips in blackjack. Dealers stay strong. 23:45 I realize that the ‘Kinky Jeffs’ aren’t quite what their name implies and I’m left both disappointed and sexually frustrated. 02:00 The Porters/Fun Police shut down the NG after-party. 02:34 Bill Goss gets mugged for his pizza. A conspiracy theory is circulated that Summer sent the offenders in to get revenge for his speech.
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Celia Durkan, 3rd year
Ladies Night is one of the highlights of the social calendar in college and this years ‘Murder Mystery’ themed ball did not disappoint. A night of entertainment, food and a lot of wine; finalists and freshers donned their masquerade masks and black tie for what was to be a truly unforgettable evening. Having found a date thanks to Henry Winlow advertising my availability on the Freshers’ page (thanks for that btw) I prepared for the evening the only way I know how - by spending the entire day setting up with the rest of Slave Club. Highlights on the night included Bill Goss’ speech, ballroom dancing and even a visit from Miss Marple herself. During the meal, actors from CTC acted out a murder mystery, but for those of us a bit more engrossed in our deconstructed prawn cocktail, the murder and accompanying scream came as a bit of a surprise. While the event was an overwhelming success, my evening took a turn for the worse on Legacy 2.0 when I was spotted swigging Prosecco and demanding to go out at 3am. To top it all off I proceeded to lose my keys and someone else’s wallet (I don’t understand how it happened either), waking up the next morning in my college mum’s bed. Whoever said college family isn’t a thing after Parent Formal?
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Scarlett Down, 2nd year
For us second year Ents, Ladies Night – or rather Ladies Long Weekend – was an experience like no other. Largely because we, alongside the other workers, were (mostly) sober, and soberness means remembering stuff. Some personal highlights include: • Finding an impressive heap of abandoned cakes on NG, which turned out to be reserved for the (not-sosecret) after-party… But we ate them anyway because us second years need to sustain our food scrounging reputation. • Discovering a particularly flattering portrait of Summer hanging on a hedge in the courtyard. I was asked to remove it but thought it would be a shame to hide (see right). • Walking in on the servery staff trying on all the abandoned masks post-meal (Daniel Magee looked 10/10). • Witnessing Celia elegantly stack it down the Black Stairs. • Actually seeing the ‘Kinky Jeffs’ perform in their kinky kilts after missing them last year. To quote a certain second year with an impressively piercing scream: ‘The guy dressed in velvet from ‘Kinky Jeffs’ can do whatever he wants to me’. • Stumbling across Gemma Craig passed out on an NG beanbag (add her on Snapchat, you will not regret it: gemmacraigxo). • Encountering a ghost (or just some saucy freshers) in Basement Lowe at 3.30am. • Losing high table. Yes, we temporarily 6 lost high table.
For some workers however, the sober struggle in the ‘really f**king cold’ conditions (Jones 2015) was just too real, with Gus describing his security shift as ‘like fulfilling the dreams of a child with low expectations’. For Admin Archie, things also got too much as he shed a little tear when one third year didn’t understand his sexy Scottish accent. Canadian Clare on the other hand had tested a few too many of her ‘Paradise Cocktails’, describing her bar shift as ‘pretty effin baller’. Yet despite the cold, the twenty-two hour-long stint, the consequent hallucinations during 3.30am clear up, and the chronic earache from the headsets thanks to Charlotte ‘Glitter Queen’ Spence, a wonderful evening seemed to be had by all and that’s what makes working for events at Castle completely and utterly worthwhile. ‘It’s kind of like childbirth, as in, you forget how hard it was because of the satisfaction at the end’ (Overheard, Ladies’ Night, 2015).
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The Hetty Gittus Christmas List The festive season is now well and truly upon us, but what is Christmas good for when there’s nobody to buy you presents or drag your cases to the station at the end of term? Henrietta Gittus doesn’t want a lot for Christmas, but there is one thing that she (desperately) needs… And that’s a boyfriend. Whilst this eligible third year’s subtle attempts to hook herself up may have evaded you (advertising herself on the Undie blackboard, telling everyone that she bumps into that she’s sophisticated, single and ready to mingle, and going to ‘cool’ events like Gospel), Santa’s little helpers are here to make her dreams come true. However, don’t get too excited chaps because whilst most of Hetty’s friends say that she isn’t fussy, they also laugh afterwards and admit that they’re lying through their teeth. Read her wish list if you dare…
Wanted:
An eligible bachelor of between 6’ and 6’4” With all his own hair An award-winning smile An aga at his house in the Viaduct An aga at his country estate Plays a DU sport (golf, water polo and American football do not count) A love of dogs Applicants with their own golden retriever will be looked upon favourably If you believe that you fulfil the criteria, please send a copy of your CV 9 and projections of your future earnings to h.j.gittus@durham.ac.uk.
LUMLEY report
Lumley. A word you won’t find in the Freshers’ Handbook’s list of ‘Castle Jargon’ but one that, if only twice a year, comes to the forefront of many students’ minds. The famous Castle tradition sees 15 brave Castlemen undertake a run that pushes them, physically and mentally, to their breaking points. While this biannual display of masochism is well observed and documented, the actual run is only part of the excitement; long before the competitors’ first taste of Lumley Castle’s finest Bitter, college is awash with hushed whispers of ‘Sign up sheets’ and reports of the Lumley Captain’s unexpected trip to China. While some of these rumours were soon found to be baseless, there had to be one that was true. This article takes a look at that night’s stories of success and heartbreak, of luck and misfortune, and of downright desperation. After a week when every trip to college would somehow result in an unexpected follower, Wednesday 18th November saw the official sign up sheet for the Michaelmas run go up. Fifteen cryptic clues, ranging from the obvious to the absurd, led to fifteen independent sign up sheets dotted around the college buildings. The first clue was bypassed by the underhand tactic of following the organising party. However, what was a moment of shared joy for the two culprits soon became a bitter competition on the realisation that they had found but one of fifteen places. Cooperation was the name of the game for a certain pair of Second Years. Using their combined wits they ascertained the location of one of the sheets. Admirably, one allowed the other to investigate the underside of
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the Pool table first: he was, after all, the one who had realised that that’s where it was located. Unable to find the sheet, his friend erred on the side of caution and gave the table another sweep, quickly locating the sheet and claiming the place for himself. From the three Freshers who secured a place this time round come three very different stories. The lengths to which they went for a spot ranged from a fortuitous discovery in the Undercroft, to the tracking down and accosting of the Castle pool team playing away at Butler. For the final Freshling, persistence was the name of the game, searching every inch of the Keep to find what so many had missed. While most places were taken through no small amount of stress and perspiration, the Finalist who claimed the final spot took the opportunity to sleep on his decision. What for many was the culmination of weeks of anticipation or a snap decision, was for him the careful consideration of pros and cons. Finally, spare a spot for the Finalist pair fifth time unlucky. For one a mistimed trip to Liverpool spoilt his chances, for the other automotive troubles saw him stranded far from home and promising extortionate sums for any assistance.
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Signs That You’re a College Food Thief
“you food thief, you turd, cretin” ~ Cat Hawkes
You’ve seen us at lunch, you’ve seen us at dinner, and maybe you’ve seen the worst of us at breakfast. We’ve all been there, some of us a few too many times… Here are 8 signs that you’re a college food thief, and that you may want to reconsider staying on the ballot. 1. Your relationship with the Freshers escalates between 12-5:30pm. College kids = food mules.
2.
You have a built in Janet-radar.
3. You know exactly which college jobs and committees come with food. 4.
…And you know which of your friends is on each and use this accordingly.
5. You mark down the next JCR Meeting in your diary, knowing that Urban Oven delicacies lie ahead.
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6.
You go to every Welfare drop-in and quickly suss out which welfare member bring the quality goods. High on our list is Jimmy - M&S carrot cake AND sausage rolls.
7.
What was a dreaded breakfast in first year, has now become your best friend - and the feeling’s mutual. Someone’s got to make up for the lack of Freshers at breakfast.
8. You’ve endured the post meal beg for food. Again, #lovefoodhatewaste
June Ball Theme Speculation
Mirror, mirror on the wall, what’s the theme of June Ball?
Every year they attempt to guess the theme and fail. However, this year I have gathered together a team of experts and we have spent hours breaking down Summer’s personality, debating what this year’s theme could be. The following suggestions are produced with the utmost reliability, credibility and accountability. Careful, there could be a spoiler alert… 1. Top of list, and most probably: Summer’s 21st birthday theme. After the appearance (and disappearance) of the infamous portrait at Ladies Night we can safely deduct that décor preparations may have already begun.
2.
What screams Summer more than sewing? We reckon for one night only Summer and her June Ball team will turn the castle into a giant Sweat Shop, forcing guests to sew floral dresses for her summer wardrobe. So you better get practicing your needlework.
3. Summer’s Twitter also But a deeper look into her account revealed revealed some possible what we believe might definitely be the next JB2016 spoilers. First of all, June Ball theme: we speculated that she might incorporate her legendary personality into June Ball 13 making it “LAD” themed. #banter
! LIVERS’ OUT CRIBS Pizza Pals
It’s that time of year again. ‘To Let’ signs are appearing up and down the viaduct and anxious groups of Freshers are interrupting livers out’s lie ins with frantic knocks at the door. The things that must be considered to find the perfect pad can seem overwhelming. That horrid house under the viaduct that you want to sign ‘cos FOMO, or the one with the AGA that’s miles away from anyone? Bills in, bills out…College Office can’t help you now. This helpful guide has been put together to show you some of the quirkier Castle Cribs to guide your decision. Who knows – maybe this is the start of some kind of Legacy?
64B Saddler Street Who knew that living above Pizza Express is a bunch of second year babes? Perfectly positioned between every Castlemans’ two great vices, FW Kitchen and Fabs, it’s hard to see any downsides to living here. I was even more delighted to find they have a real life, functioning bar in their living room. However, Annie Waugh let us into some of the lows Formal Ready. of this seemingly ideal flat – ‘I love it, but the nightly serenade of ‘Dancing in the Moonlight’ from a well meaning warbler has lost its novelty a bit’. Sounds great to me. NB: Free pizza isn’t part of the deal. I did ask, obviously.
Urban Lovin’ 95 Claypath Home to two flats of third years who languished at the bottom of the Ballot, these Claypath pads are perfectly suited for the discerning finalist. Literally above everyone’s favourite post-night out/essay crisis food joint, you can see and it’s stumbling distance to College – these flats come highly 14 Lloyds recommended.
I talked to Dom Humphrey (he’s running Fashion Show, in case you didn’t know) about this dreamy set up. ‘It’s the perfect bachelor pad. Who could resist that view? Shame I don’t have anyone to share it with really.’ Call 07785538145 to arrange a viewing.
Harry Potter and the Viaduct Cupboard
Finalist in his natural habitat.
11 Laburnum Avenue If Castle is Hogwarts, then 11 Laburnum is Privet Drive, except it’s ginger Ron sleeping in the cupboard. At first this charming house may seem like many others, but upstairs in Archie Balfour’s room there hides a more unexpected feature. His bed is literally in a cupboard. Floreat was suprised to learn that Archie is Hey Ron. delighted by this semi-legal, mildly claustrophobic set up. He told us: ‘The cosy atmosphere complete with my fairy lights makes for a relaxing sleep’. His housemate Louisa, directly below the cupboard, claims that the lack of soundproofing has put a strain on their friendship. Controversial.
OAP Pad 19A Silver Street Home to four Castle fourth years, including the ex-Senior Man himself Henry Winlow (alter ego Henry John, audition enthusiast) this flat at the bottom of Windy Gap couldn’t be better located for College – although the Lumière shouty man outside the OAPs napping. window wasn’t an overall highlight. When I popped round resident Adam Wells and friends were on hand to tell Floreat about the obvious highlight of living on this busy thoroughfare. ‘Without doubt it’s the best place to watch Castlemen on their way home late from nights out….and the next morning. We’ve seen a few already today 15 actually.’
Do They Even Go Here?! 56 Crossgate At the top of Crossgate you’ll find two little known Castle finalists, and their enormous DUHC pad. A rare spotting at college, Harry Kilbourn and Mollie Rawnsley are too busy running around in 1st team hockey matches to enter Castle walls. However, 56 deserves a spot on our list for its extraordinary red room. Red walls, floor and furniture….it’s 50 shades of freaky. So, what’s it like living here? Harry offers his insight: ‘I love it. Being able to see the Castle, my spiritual home, from the window is a real plus.’ Next time you see them around (probs JB) make sure to say hello.
(Boys not included)
1/10 Would Not Recommend 51 The Avenue Let us end with a warning. This is what happens, kids, when you don’t ‘Stop. Think. Sign.’ When these naïve second years signed this seemingly perfect liver out house back in the heady days of fresher first term, little did they know what was to come. After weeks of never ending mould, builders everywhere and no power, Clare Schwarzberg is a broken woman. She shares her story with Floreat: ‘It was terrible. Even my happiness jar stopped working. The builders outside my window literally never stop. Luckily, when the going got tough, I had other places to go to seek
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Clare getting emotional.
It’s just a bloody puppy Welfare’s latest and cutest addition has been causing a stir amongst the JCR. No, it’s not Harry Henley-Smith (adorable though he is), but rather Jolene the tiny labra-dog. I understand that watching something small and floppy fling itself around for an hour is a welcome break from library tedium but I have to ask: what’s the big flipping deal?
What about Blackjack? I Skyped Blackjack personally and although he didn’t say anything because he’s a dog and can’t speak, I got the sense that he was feeling down about the whole situation. Dogs are for life people, not just for Christmas or until a more squishable one comes along.
Where did it even come from? Obviously it came from the special hug of a mummy dog and a daddy dog initially, but what about after that? For all we know this tiny ball of cuteness could have a shady history of substance abuse and starting fights at weekends. I don’t trust the name ‘Jolene,’ but then again that might just be because I’m a Dolly Parton fan.
Don’t you know what puppies do? Yes it’s got teeny weeny widdle paws and big puppy eyes but just remember that puppies eat their own poo with the mouths that they then lick you with. Just imagine if another member of welfare did that? Go on… imagine. It’s not that I hate dogs*, I just think people need to chill out over what is essentially a furry baby but with less coordination and until such a time as I actually meet it I shall continue to remain cynical. *I prefer cats but that’s just common sense.
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LOST in TRANSLATION
By Laurence Holmes-Smith (current location: random little town, Spain) Every academic year, a group of 3rd year students embark on a journey to untold lands, in search of adventure, debauchery and linguistic improvement. Taking time out of their busy balancing acts between Instagram (follow me, @lholmessmith), Blogspot and Netflix to share some of their experiences so far, here are a few but not all of the characters that you can be sure of seeing back on the Castle social scene in 2016/17.
Helen Bradbrook (Anthropology, New Zealand) What do you miss from the UK?
Actual Cadburys. There’s a Cadbury factory in Dunedin and everyone goes wild for it but it’s just not the same as home. Arriving into a NZ winter in June with snow and sub zero temperatures, I really missed living in a house with central heating. Summer being at the normal time of the year.
Weirdest experience so far? Seeing the same DOC (Department of Conservation) Ranger about ten times in 24 hours on one of our little roadies, having some banter and ending up at his house. [Still in contact]. Waking up at 3am/not going to bed and starting drinking while watching the RWC 2015 matches - damn you time difference. Also, getting drunk FaceTimes from Alex Macpherson in the middle of my afternoon - time difference can be quite entertaining.
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Amanda Marsh (History and
French)
Weirdest experience so far?
Going for a drunken stroll with friends to the lake near our town (clubs and bars are pretty much non-existent in such a small place), and stumbling across a circus tent full of a group of amateur actors celebrating one of their birthdays, after a performance. We went to say hello and were invited into this bizarre circus tent, where we danced and drank into the early hours with this very friendly bunch of actors/gypsies/who knows what. One of the strangest evenings I’ve ever had but an experience nonetheless.
Most embarrassing language error?
Telling one of my male pals “Je suis excitée” to go to the beach, thinking this simply implied that I was looking forward to this innocent excursion à la plage. Turns out in French this means “I’m horny”... #oops. Had some explaining to do after that little faux pas.
Mike Bedigan (Russian and Spanish) Biggest crush?
As I work in a modelling agency of sorts there are a lot of very attractive women walking in and out and I fall properly in love about 3 times a day. That being said I did go on a date with a French Au-pair a few weeks ago. My friends were there and her friends were there and she didn’t know it was a date but it was. We had mojitos.
What do you miss most? Things I miss most about the UK are Nandos, my cat Sparky, good banter, drinkable tap-water and a few of my close friends. In that order. I’m also completely and utterly distraught that I will not be in the country for the release of the new Star Wars film. 19
Anna Beckett (Arabic and
Spanish)
Best language fails to date? Translating the heading of an article as the Spanish equivalent of Hard Sex or ordering a ‘Bastard cheese’ salad. Twice.
Biggest culture clash? British prudishness meets the open shower situation at my sports club. I can’t deal with the open nakedness. Seriously these girls will do anything before putting their underwear back on, I’m talking socks, shoes, hair drying, a discussion about Catalan independence…Maria, just put your knickers on already. Also, I miss fresh milk and generally a culture where people turn up on time and eat at normal times of the day. (French and Russian)
Alex Gibney
Weirdest experience so far?
Being sat butt naked in a Russian Banya (steamhouse) with 4 other guys in 95 degree heat while being whipped with branches by one surprisingly hairy Russian guy.
Strangest place I’ve woken up?
After having drank around half a litre of vodka (and having eaten but a few slices of pickled cucumber) and blacking out, I woke up in a Russian shed covered in my own sick and watermelon pips with an overweight drunken Russian guy sitting on the end of my bed explaining that Russians don’t just drink vodka. I was later informed that the night before just before dinner with a group of 6 over 50 year olds I’d angrily accused all Russians of hating black and gay people, before being carried to bed by an ex-policeman where I proceeded to projectile vomit and have my trousers 20 taken off by a 67 year old woman trying to help me.
Becky Home (Spanish and Business Studies, Argentina) Most embarrassing moment? Going to a party at one of my student’s house and getting with one of them (he was 18 for the record) but then having to teach him on Monday, but to make it worse I then had to take all of his classes because the teacher went on holiday!
Weirdest experience so far? Went out for drinks and got chatting to a random man about 50, then a 22 year old blonde came over to sit next to him. Whilst he was ordering drinks I asked her what she was doing there with him. Reply “I love him but he’s married”...definitely a prostitute.
Quoi?
Sam Walker (History, Germany) How is the German romance scene? Early on here in H, I managed to pull a beautiful German girl and it’s safe to say that my confidence was sky-high... A couple of weeks later, when asked about said experience of ‘going native’ and my future plans, I had this to say: ‘Yeah, I mean there’s no way I’m gonna try to get with anyone from the UK - I’m on an Erasmus year, so why would I do that?’ Later in the evening, I pull someone from Leeds. I try to save face: ‘To be fair, I didn’t know she was English. ‘’Sam, you’ve known her for three weeks”
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Isha Verma (Italian and Spanish) Funniest date experience?
In Rome, I went on a date with a former Italian model who took me around the city on his vespa and back to his rooftop for fresh pizza. I’d say it went well considering I finished the night petting his ferret called Gianni Depp. That is not an innuendo. I genuinely did.
Most embarrassing moment?
I never enjoy answering the phone in the office and had an uncomfortable experience with a client who rang up inquiring about a product. In my broken Spanish, I told him to wait a moment whilst I looked for a “pene” to write his details down. The girls told me later “pene” was not pen…it is Spanish for penis.
Strangest place you’ve woken up?
On a super yacht in one of the marinas in Barcelona. Bit of a shock the next morning when I looked out the window and saw the ocean.
Tara McCarthy (History and Spanish)
Weirdest experience so far?
Realising I was sat next to Rachel McAdams in a restaurant near the Prado in Madrid. Having remarked the night before that celebrities just don’t phase me anymore, I spent the entire meal debating whether or not to ask her for a photo. Turns out I am a decent human being because I let her be. However that didn’t stop me from whispering Mean Girls quotes in her direction for the duration of the meal -YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US (because she obviously wanted to).
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Worst/most embarrassing language error?
In an attempt to provide an example of what might be said in the much loved game “Never Have I Ever…”, to my Spanish flatmate, I used the phrase ‘wet-myself ’. Initially, she looked at me with confusion, before having what she thought was a eureka moment and exclaiming, “¡Ah sí sí, MASTURBAR!”. No. Not what I was getting at, or something I would share with you on our first night in the flat together.
George Rexstrew. (Italian, Spanish
and Catalan) Location: A wee little town in Italy called Mirandola.
What do you miss the most from the UK? Baked beans, my dog, driving, Strictly and X Factor.
What has been your weirdest experience so far?
On my second day, I found myself in a water aerobics class with five middle-aged Italian women… I still can’t really explain how it happened.
What has been your best/worst moment so far? I would have to say that, aside from the Italian food and hospitality, the highlight of my year abroad so far is being considered a local celeb and absolutely loving it, so much so that I may or may not have got myself longlisted for the Italian version of ‘Big Brother’. My worst moment is being placed 81/81 on the room ballot… Fuck’s sake.
What has been your most embarrassing language moment? My biggest language fail so far took place a few weeks ago when I walked into my class of twenty or so 9 year-olds and announced how “FUCKING” cold it was. I thought I was using a cute colloquial expression but, alas, I was mistaken. Not my finest day at the office I must admit. I may also have gotten a bit carried away explaining the difference in pronunciation between ‘I can’ and ‘I caaaaaaaaaaa/un’t’…
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Sharing is Caring After being thrown together in a far-flung room in 26 North Bailey (now just a myth for the Fresh), Sarah Boreham and Emma Walker also chose to live together for both 2nd and 3rd year. Here the pair reflect on their years together:
1.
First impressions of your roommate:
E: Her Facebook likes include Zac Efron and Justin Bieber and goddammit she stole the best side of the room. S:
Wow she has a lot of stuff! But she seems friendly, phew.
3. Describe each other in 3 words
S: Artistic, seductive and
talkative.
E: Beautiful, squishy and posh.
2.
Something you’d wish you’d known before becoming roommates:
E: Nudity prevention tactics don’t work. S: A dressing gown doesn’t necessarily
mean there are pyjamas underneath.
4. Your roommate’s best drunken moment: S:
Emma performed the entirety of Chicago in our room after a night out, in her underwear.
E: Whilst Sarah was being sick one night in Freshers I used a colourful headband to tie up her hair, and she looked like a Spanish maid. It was so funny that I ended up just laughing rather than helping her. Not my most supportive moment. 5. What do you miss most about being roommates?
S: That it was legit to lock yourselves in your room all evening, because technically you were still being sociable. 24
E: Watching Sarah sleep; she looks like a
little hibernating mouse.
6. What made you decide to live together
for 3 years? It was inevitable; a sacred bond was established during evenings of chocolate fuelled mania. Oh, and no one else would put up with Sarah (absolute animal).
7. Most tragic moment:
We went to a party in first year where we took the 70s theme VERY seriously (we’re talking flared cords, leather waistcoats, psychedelic make up, rave paint). We arrived to find that there was maybe one other person in a tiedye shirt? The rest of the evening consisted of “no, no we’re not on a social”.
8. Favourite bonding moment:
We were convinced that the vodka our now housemates gave us for Christmas in first year was actually acid or petrol, going by the smell and the fact that it made us both disgustingly ill (Love you guys, we’re still very grateful). Sharing secrets is an essential part of any winning Roomie Combo. Here are some truths and some lies about Emma and Sarah, can you work them out? ONE OF US had an enthusiastic conversation with a new acquaintance about a mutual love for hash browns and realised all too late that he was actually talking about hash brownies. ONE OF US had a very close run in when the cleaners nearly walked in on unorthodox bedroom antics during first year. ONE OF US managed to projectile vomit onto a Klute bouncer after attempting to convince him that she was sober enough to be allowed in. ONE OF US accidentally dripped wee all over somebody else’s kitchen floor after an unfortunate cat-tail incident. ONE OF US sheepishly ran into some friends at 3am on the North Bailey 25 staircase in her Bierfest costume, holding her knickers in her hand.
BATTLE OF THE BARS Underneath the inebriated screaming socials, over-enthusiastic pingpong playing and drunken regrets, the Undercroft/West Courtyard relationship may not be as seamless as some keen, wide-eyed Fresher may first think. Behind the hustle and bustle of a standard FUK (Formal, Undie, Klute) lies a deep-rooted tension between two of College’s finest establishments. Floreat, in its infinite wisdom, is going to set the story right, once and for all. Bar and Toastie Bar; which is better? There’s only one way to find out.
Stash Game Bar – 7/10 – With in-joke puns galore and amusing similarly in-joke related pictures, the hilarious in-jokes definitely make up for the abhorrent green colour of their polos. Did I mention they have in-jokes? Toastie Bar - 6/10 – Although the TB stash’s colour is significantly more pleasing on the eye, there is no denying that the picture on the back of the tops does TB no favours in this round. A more phallic looking toastie I have never seen.
Radio Chat Bar – 9/10 – Security and Bar successfully rekindle their love over the radiowaves, with endless hours filled with banter, hilarious drunken anecdotes and cool people chat. Toastie Bar – 0/10 – There’s a what now? Which channel again?
The Selection Bar – 0/10 – Which came first, bar troubles or the egg question? Toastie Bar - 9/10 – “The most fun you can have with your dignity still thoroughly in-tact” – Anonymous.
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Perks of the Position Bar – 8/10 – Guaranteed BNOC status and opportunity for post-shift indulgences. Toastie Bar – 5/10 – You get a free toastie… Right?
Socials Score Bar – 10/10 – Smashed by the lads, whether it’s the more ‘sophisticated’ Bar Meal or a classic lock-in, carnage does not adequately describe the events that ensue. “They say ‘see it off ’ a lot” – Unnamed source. Toastie Bar – 6/10 – Although everyone dreams of going to a social dressed as the Baby Jesus and other suitably selected thematic legendary characters, TB’s socials seem like a distant memory to the most veteran of members and remain on the tame side. #bringbackthebevs
Welfare Points Bar – 4/10 – Although coming to the aid of any staggering fresher with an abundance of water and a packet of Scampy Fries, a packed queue 3 fresh deep presents an unsurpassable barrier for some of the most inebriated castlemen. Toastie Bar – 10/10 – Welcoming even the most plastered boozers into its warm, cheesy embrace, TB is the saviour of minna a die-hard Lloyds/Klute goer to soak up the worst of that regrettable shit mix.
Customer Satisfaction Bar – 7/10 – At least as far as Varela is concerned. Toastie Bar – 9/10 – A toastie will always be there to warm your soul. Beverages can only cause you pain and STIs. So, Floreat has failed to deliver the ultimate answer to the ultimate question of Bev v Bread. However, the author of this article would like to officially declare bias and thus leaves the answer down to you, the faithful reader. I’ll let you decide which way I swing. “Let there be work, bread, water and ‘bevs’ for all” ~ Nelson Mandela, 2000s (maybe). 27 Anon.
Sympathetic Student Solutions Hi, my boyfriend has recently asked me to wax my lady garden – what should I do? Mark: You mustn’t feel pressured by him if you don’t want too, perhaps speak to him and tell him why if you feel uncomfortable, I’m sure if he’s is keen to remain part of the 72% then he’ll understand. Tom: Make weekly appointments at the beauticians. One of my housemates always asks to eat some of my food and it’s slowly lighting a fire of deep hatred in my heart – how do I say no to them? Mark: This is an issue experienced by many people your age; the best thing to do is sit down as a house and discuss it as the likelihood is that the rest of your housemates hate giving them food as well. Tom: Don’t tell her and start spitting in it. I’m a finalist with less than a year left in Durham and still no boyfriend, how do I become part of the 72%? Mark: You shouldn’t feel pressured by this statistic, it can be hard, especially if you study sciences and have no free time. Having said that, I’m sure he is just around the corner. Tom: Send me a photo and cup size – I’ll see what I can do. What’s the best way to avoid those awkward Great Hall encounters with your pull from the previous night’s Klute? Mark: I would advise drinking less when you go to Klute in order to encourage more long term relationships with the people you meet. If you are stuck the bouncers are always keen for a friendly chat… Tom: Go harder so you don’t remember or shark outside of Castle (N.B. avoid people from the hill).
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Hi I’m a fresher looking to join Ladies Soc, do you have any advice on where to enter my application form? Mark: Sadly Ladies Soc is invitation only, perhaps it would be best to join a more wholesome society such as Castle Community Action and teach primary school students about the importance of inclusion. Tom: Bin it or be a bitch around college and the invitation will find you. I haven’t joined any societies and feel it’s too deep into term to start now; what should I do? Mark: Perhaps it would be best for you to attend the annual DSU refreshers fair which is attended by all the societies who don’t yet have enough members and are desperately seeking people such as yourself. Tom: See you Friday at 5 in the Shakespeare.
Mark and Tom x
Coming up in the next issue:
• I’m in love with a fresher from John Snow but I’m worried he knows nothing. • Ever since parent formal I’ve been deeply in love with my college mum but she only sees me as her son – what can I do to show her I’m not just a poor little Fresher? 29
Ladies and Gentlemen of Castle, The festive season is now well and truly upon us. They say that only good children get the best Christmas presents. However, if I were Santa Claus, I would most certainly reward all the Castle students on the naughty list for providing the rest of the college with hilarious and scandalous tales this term. ’Tis the season for match-making and heart-breaking, or so it seems. I have enjoyed hearing about all your illicit liaisons. Some secrets even I couldn’t see coming. However I know there are always more secrets that remain hidden. The problem with hiding your sins is that they always reveal themselves eventually. Gossip Girl has eyes everywhere, and who’s to say that I won’t be joining some of you on the ski trip? There’s still two terms left to make your mark in college and strike ‘being mentioned in Gossip Girl’ off your bucket list. Shout out to all the h8ers and curious bitches getting all up in my grill. Stop bombarding me with shit chat in a desperate attempt to remain relevant. TTYN. Go and get an actual life … then you may deserve my attention. Enjoy the Christmas break and you’ll hear from me in the new year. Don’t miss me too much. You know you love me, XOXO
gossip girl
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GOSSIP GIRL
It looks like age is but a number for this Deelightful second year. I don’t know about you, but I never mix business and pleasure, especially when that business involves my rent. As the proverb goes, don’t bite the hand that feeds you … especially when it’s wearing a wedding band. I am truly impressed by the efforts of this Castlewoman. Whoever said third year wasn’t fun? One lucky Guy was treated to a night with her in the Castle on Ladies Night. Unfortunately, bringing a fresher back to your friend’s bed, no matter how fit, doesn’t exactly go down well. However, for those of you who were Aim(ee)ing to find this finalist under your Christmas tree, looks like you’re not the only one she’s kissed under the mistletoe … Looks like this boy is becoming something of a regular correspondent with me. Sounds like Little J has been very bad this term. His LAUdable efforts with a lucky lady left me stunned. But I doubt she will be cumming back a fourth time - when she learns that she wasn’t the only visitor to his bed that week. Tensions are running high between two Castle ladies. Looks like someone will have a fairly big Hill to climb to get her Ladies’ Soc invitation this year. Getting on the wrong side of two Madame Presidents is bad enough. Let alone spitting in the face of one of them. Can(nie) you believe the skill of this second year, only term one and she has rewritten gift giving etiquette. Whilst I quite like the sound of receiving and not giving, I’m not sure this Cockey Lumley man was too impressed. Especially when it turned out that another Castleman has his eyes on this prize … and apparently with more success. Although, from last I heard, a date to Urban Oven wasn’t exactly the most romantic gesture. Well, well, well, look what member of the rugby team fails to convert, despite trying desperately. In PARtiKulaR I heard one Fresher made a dash from the Viaduct abandoning her Woolley jumper en route. Especially since a Char-ming-li heavy footed finalist had already been told it was soooo last season. Good luck trying to pull the Wool over her eyes, she has her spies everywhere.
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THE BACK PAGE Many of you nobly participated in Movember - Floreat presents to you the good, the bad, and the just plain creepy.
This issue was brought to you by...
Mike Bedigan, Sarah Boreham, Tabby Boyd, Mark Brownson, Jess Christy, Jeremy Cowen, Scarlett Down, Celia Durkan, Callie Foreman, Gossip Girl, Laurence Holmes-Smith, Jane Markey, Tom Priestner, Clare Schwarzberg, Siobhan Slattery, Eve Smith, Charlotte Spence, Maddy Vincent, and Emma Walker.
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“We are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided.� J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire