REGULARS
INTERVIEWS
11 Throwback | Fun Fact Saturday
2 Colin: A Tribute
36 Sympathetic Student Solutions
6 An Interview with Lumley Run cofounder Terrence Maddern
38 Gossip Girl
LISTS
FEATURES
5 Awards Season
10 Lumley: Overheard | Overseen 12 RON
16 8 Simple Rules for Sharing a Room 20 Castle Lookalikes
13 Creative Writing
25 Castle Problems
14 Eleven Day Love Affair
REVIEWS
18 Always a Feminist 22 Castle: A Brief History
26 Durham Cafes: The Good, The Bad‌ and the Batcave
SPORT
29 Bar Crawl of the Bars That No One Ever Goes to on a Bar Crawl
32 Castle-Hatfield Day
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FEATURE
Colin: A Tribute Following the public announcement of his retirement earlier this month, Mike Bedigan chats to the legend himself
As most people will already know, at the end of the month Castle’s most beloved porter Colin Buxton will be retiring after a long and glorious stint. Colin has been working for an astonishing fifty-one years, six of which have been spent with us here in college.
Colin: “What on earth is a ‘selfie’ Michael?”
I have only been at Durham for two terms now: I have met many new people in this time, but I can honestly say that very few have been as friendly and welcoming as Colin Buxton. He referred to himself jokingly as a surrogate dad to all students of University College but with this I completely agree. He will be sorely missed by all Castlemen and I wish him all the best in his retirement.
After being plied with his favourite sweet treat (iced gems) he agreed to take time out of his busy schedule to grant me an exclusive interview.
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Colin’s official leaving date is set to be the 28th March, so how will he be spending his well-earned retirement? Colin admitted that although it will indeed be an extremely sad occasion, he is most looking forward to having the freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants without having to worry about booking the time off. As well as a potential cruise in the pipeline (destination TBC), he and his wife are planning on spending more time in their caravan, from more local sites such as Seaton Sluice caravan park, to more exotic climes down South. Colin feels that his retirement will finally give him the opportunity to find himself on both a spiritual and geographical level.
Although he resents the unofficial title of ‘Head Porter’, Colin modestly admitted that the majority of jobs and queries are directed his way. However, the general consensus in the Porter’s lodge is: “If you want a job done properly…give it to Colin” Behold Colin Buxton: Greeter of Tourists Answerer of student queries Keeper of the Keys Assister of Wendy Chambers (don’t know her official job title) (ed. Accommodation Co-ordinator, in case you were wondering) Booker of public events
Colin’s Many Careers: Just What Has Colin Been Doing For The Past 51 Years? 32 years in the Motor Trade 3½ years coach driving 7½ years as a prisoner custody officer 2 years in Beamish open air museum 6 years at Castle Apart from working here (obviously) Colin’s favourite career was at Beamish, a museum that provides a hands on experience of everyday life in North East England during the Industrial Revolution. Colin liked the funny hats he got to wear. 3
Colin’s Favourite Moments Although when faced with this question Colin was unable to choose one specific memory, he admitted that the novelty of handing over spare keys to hung-over, semi-dressed students that have managed to lock themselves out of Bailey Court at 3am is a hard thing to beat.
Colin’s Favourite Pub The Colpitts Reason: Good, cheap beer.
Colin’s Advice “WORK HARD. PLAY HARD” – Colin Buxton, March 3rd 2014
Colin passes on these inspirational words from his old secondary school teacher (c. 400BC)
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LIST
Best Cinematography: Ed Gibbs, Hustings Best Costume Design Summer Burton-Morgan, The Angel Wears Prada Best Choreography Xinlei Zhang, Step Up 5 Best Newcomer Dom Humphrey, Rory Reames’ Day Off Best Scene Stealer Kenneth Chan’s biceps, Floreat: The Social Network Best Performance in a Horror Movie Kit Gallagher, The Nightmare on 54 Crossgate Best Performance in an Action Movie Simon Gallow, The Lumley Run 2: Epiphany Term Best Performance in a Comedy Movie Barnaby Hodgkins, The Man, The Myth, The Legend Crtics Award Matt Hoser, Hoser v. Nixon Lifetime Achievement Award RON (see p.14) 5
INTERVIEW
Lauren McCollum talks to Lumley Run co-founder Terence Maddern Q. Were you one of the students living in Lumley Castle? How did the idea come about? A. I was indeed living in Lumley Castle for the academic year 1956-57. That was the norm for first year Castlemen. There were also some second year students there. Q. We now have a strict limit of 15 boys in every race. In the first race, how many boys were allowed to run? A. It wasn’t like that. A few years back, I submitted an account through Wikipedia of how the Run came into being. The item seems no longer to be available. What I submitted was truncated somewhat so here is the full original text: “The “Lumley Run” was inaugurated in 1956/7 by David Wilkinson, a classics scholar from Bradford Grammar School, and Terence Maddern, a geography student from Greenford Grammar School in Middlesex. The run was started at exactly seven o’clock in the evening in the Black Horse public house in Chester-leStreet with a pint of beer and was continued, using the local buses, into Durham City getting off to drink a half pint in each pub along the route. There was, of course, an umpire to ensure that all the requisite glasses of beer were fully consumed. The location of the pubs meant that sometimes two or three could be visited in one stop before re-boarding the next bus to continue along the route. It was as much a feat of logistics as drinking to ensure that the time taken to drink the beer matched the bus timetable. From the outskirts of Durham City, one continued on foot via the remaining pubs along the main street to the Castle side of 6
Framwellgate Bridge and thence up the steep path alongside the River Weir to Palace Green where one finished the Run in the University Union Bar with a final pint before the Cathedral clock struck ten, which was the bar closing time. Dave Wilkinson and Terry Maddern successfully completed the Run at the first attempt and also did it later in the opposite direction. They came up with a tie with a motif of interlinked tankards with crenellated tops to represent both the head on the beer and the Lumley Castle to Durham Castle nature of the feat. The Run was subsequently completed by several fellow Castlemen in one direction or the other.
Names that come to mind are Eddie Wilson, Ian Logan, Denis Wood, Mike Richardson, Bob Lesley, Tom Stonehouse and Mike Cockburn. I apologise to all the stalwarts I fail to mention who completed the run. As well as the linked tankards, the tie also bore the initials P.A.A.C., which could stand for either Per Ardua Ad Castellum or the P*ss*d As Ars*h*l*s Club, which Dave Wilkinson preferred. It is one of my great regrets that I no longer have my tie - it was probably so beersodden that it rotted away. I cannot remember exactly how many pubs there were along the route but the figure of 23 could be right. With a pint of beer to start and to finish and half-pints in between, this would make a total of 12 ½ pints in the three hours allowed. I do remember that the worse part of the Run in the Lumley to Durham direction was the climb up the steep path behind the Castle to Palace Green, with all but that one last pint inside you already.�
You will see from the above that the Run was different to what I understand it to be these days. We did it in groups of three to five with one Castleman acting as Umpire. He could choose whether to drink at every stop and usually chose not to! The Run was done by coordinating the beer drinking with the bus timetable to cover the section between the outskirts of Chester-le-Street and Durham. The first and last sections were done on foot. Q. The sign up for the last race included a treasure hunt starting in the Lowe Library and continuing on to three Durham pubs. Did you have a sign up system? What was it like? A. No, there was no sign up. Those who wanted to do the Run contacted existing qualified Runners to arrange a time for a Run attempt. 7
Q. We have seen sub-hour finishes in the last three races, certainly a remarkable feat. What sort of times were achieved in the first races? Did you ever think such low times would be possible? A. As you see from the above, the time was fixed at a maximum of three hours and, in my experience, that was barely enough. You certainly couldn’t afford to miss a bus! As I recall it, Dave Wilkinson and I made it in each direction with five or ten minutes in hand. If the Run is now done from Lumley to Durham, drinking in twenty-plus pubs for a total of 25 pints, then a time of less than one hour is phenomenal! Q. Today, not only are the runners’ times recorded, but also their number of ‘chunders’ (times they were sick) throughout the race. Was this done right from the start? Which do you think is more impressive: a fast time, or a low number of chunders? A. “Chunders” were an accepted part of the Run, although they tended to be towards, at or just after the finish. The ability to “hold one’s drink” was considered a good thing for a young man and to do so over the Run was a plus. Some Runners completed the Run without a “Chunder” – Dave Wilkinson and I were both pleased to do so – but it was not taken into consideration for judging whether a Run had been successful. The criteria were drinking the required minimum number of fully consumed beers (always the pub’s best bitter) and the three hour time limit. Q. The prize for completing the run now is a tie, but we believe that for the inaugural run it was a tankard. Is this true, and do you still have yours? A. See above. The tie was in Castle maroon with the PAAC motif embroidered into it. We ordered them as required from the tie manufacturer. I have made the attached photo reconstruction of what the motif looked like. We were rather pleased with the Castle to Castle joined tankards. Q. Many of the boys who partake in the Lumley Run consider it one of the most important parts of their whole university experience; did you feel the same way about it? A. I wouldn’t go quite that far but we were pleased to be part of a small “elite” who had successfully completed the Run. Q. Despite coming under scrutiny from university authorities in recent years over 8
the image of lad culture and unhealthy drinking habits which it seems to promote, the Lumley Run remains one of the most important traditions within college, and is now approaching its sixtieth birthday. Did you ever imagine it would survive so long, or did you envisage it more as a one-off event? A. We hoped that it would continue. I was pleased that it was still going strong when I left Castle in 1959. Q. Similarly, with lad culture and alcohol awareness being such issues at the minute, how do you imagine the future will be for the Lumley Run? Would you argue for its continuation? A. I would say that it was a matter of the general behaviour of young people, not so much the participation in an event like the Run. Regular binge drinking or regular heavy drinking is obviously not to be recommended. Nor is loutish behaviour when in drink. I would hope that the Run can continue to be done - in a gentlemanly fashion. Q. Last academic year saw the 25th anniversary of girls being admitted to University College. To celebrate, one student organised the 1987 Club - a run for girls between all the Durham college bars, in the order in which they admitted women, with a drink at each stop. What is your opinion on this? Would you like to see it eventually become as strong a part of college tradition as the Lumley Run is? A. I feel the same way about ladette behaviour as I do about laddish behaviour, as above. I see no reason why the girls shouldn’t have their fun, too. Q. And finally: what do you think is the key to success in Lumley? A. Its success is in the continuity of a tradition and the pride in successfully becoming part of a small group, all of whom have proved themselves in the required way. One could draw a parallel with the esprit de corps of military units whose members have gone through demanding times together – albeit without quite the same degree of physical danger!
Recreation of symbol on original Lumley tie
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OVERHEARD Gallow: “I’m literally blind” BJD: “I wish Sam Reeve had cried more.” Zurawel: “It was manageable - sorry for throwing up on your hand Dillon!” Reeve: “I never thought drinking would be harder than running. My favourite part was actually my jelly baby break.” Neil: “So much fun. Worst thing I’ve ever done. Absolutely loved it.” Dillon: “It was good but it wasn’t a snakebite.” Jared: “It’s been a long time coming.” Priestner: “A lot fucking harder than I thought it would be. You can take out the ‘fucking’ if you want, but I feel that it adds power to the sentence.”
OVERSEEN “we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars” Freddie Wilde
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THROWBACK | FUN FACT SATURDAY Inflatable Swimming Pools I'm not sure who's read the college regulations in their entirety, but if you notice a clause in the "Coll Info & Regs" document specifically banning inflatable swimming pools from College premises… Turns out our noble predecessors set up a inflatable pool behind Owengate every summer for over ten years prior to 2008. In 2007, the pool was of record-breaking size, reaching "20 feet across and deep enough to drown in, with a heater and pump [but] no PAT test certificate". (Castellum, 2008) Then someone pulled the pipe, didn't close the tap, and left; water flowed all the way down Saddlers Street, reaching the Market Square. Another time, someone again pulled the pipe… and filled up Owengate. When Master David Held was told about this recently, he laughed and said, "We could put a pool out there!" indicating the Fellows Garden outside his office window. "We could check it … with the health and safety regulations and everything." Kenneth Chan
UCBC, 1950
Iron Man, 2005 11
INVESTIGATION
Joel Holford and Sophia White attempt to expose the true identity of this elusive character Imagine a Hogwarts, where instead gorging on Butterbeer and playing Quidditch, the students imbibe actual beer and play darts, and you have a moderate understanding of our life at Castle. Yet, little did any of us expect to be joined in this environment by the actual characters from Harry Potter. Incredibly, that is just what has happened this term, with the surprise candidacy of RON running in every single executive election. Most people do not know much about this mysterious member, so we have gleaned a few facts about him from around the JCR. Some say RON does car commercials, in Japan. Some say, RON’s portrait is up on the wall in the Great Hall. One day, RON started playing darts, and then everyone started playing darts. Some say, RON is has featured in every version of book of bad business. Some say RON is the reason the Black Stairs slant inwards. Some say RON is the Grey Lady. Some say RON is the one who painted the Black Stairs black. Some say RON is leading the bid to be the next Vice Chancellor. Some say RON is the only member of the JCR who is able to fit inside the armour on Minstrels gallery. Some say RON writes Otto’s Observations. Some say RON has held every position on the Exec. Some say RON is the reason we don’t get Daim Bar cheesecake at formal anymore. Some say RON is the real Slim Shady. Some say RON went to thrift shops before Macklemore. Some say RON designed Moatside due to his love of small places. Some say RON is the one who sets off the Moatside fire alarms every week. Some say RON is the reason Owengate is now structurally unstable. Some say RON gets to decide what is in the Salad Bar every day. Some say RON is Gossip Girl. 12
CREATIVE WRITING ‘Have a good evening,’ chimed the secretary as she slipped out of the door at half-past five. Within a few minutes the place was deserted and he breathed deeply and relaxed back into his chair. What a week! College JCRS up in revolt over the proposed changes to accommodation with college staff also uniting against the proposals, calls from the national press, accusations that one of the most successful universities in the country was about destroy its foundations! He pushed these issues to one side for a moment. They were only some of the most important questions he’d had to decide this week. He had not had any time at all to think about the others! Firstly there was the question of his bonus. £21,000 he thought sounded about right. Large enough to make him sound important but not too large to excite bored journalists at the Telegraph. And he did so want that new Ferrari. A knock on the door interrupted his musings. ‘Excuse me,’ said the cleaner, who entered to clear the bins. As she emptied his waste paper into the recycling and tied up the other bin bag, he watched her and thought deeply…. £21,000…. perhaps it should be slightly bigger? Or maybe I could wait a few years for the Ferrari and hire another butler for ‘entertaining guests’ at my home for this year…. that could work. The cleaner left and he had a brainwave. He reached for his calculator and did some quick sums. Brilliant! He only had to sack three bursars and the Ferrari would be his. Suddenly his rolex watch beeped and he realised the time. It was the weekly student consultation session. He folded up ‘Phase 2’ of the Accommodation Review and went to the window. A pigeon waited there and he attached the document to the bird. ‘To the Castle’ he whispered into its ear. The pigeon cooed, took flight and wheeled out of sight. He chuckled to himself slightly, who could dare claim he had not consulted the student body at all now? He had sent the plans directly to the castle. His chuckle turned into a cackle. ‘Maybe it is not going to the right castle though!’ Sitting down again at his mahogany desk he reflected on the opprobrium his plans had caused. He drummed his fingers on the desk and thought, ‘I must find a dictionary to look up ‘tradition’, ‘heritage’ and ‘autonomy’… Just then he heard the sound of an email arriving in his inbox. He looked through it. Dull, turgid admin… his mind wandered, he was already behind the wheel of his sleek new Ferrari cruising through the countryside. At the bottom of the email he noticed a tick box from the University Council and College heads. ‘Do you want to re.sign as the VC of the University?’ it read. He pondered; he had enjoyed this VC lark. After a few seconds deliberation he ticked the box and sent it back to the University offices. And that, was that… 13
FEATURE
ten eleven day love affair Roughly 70% of Durham students get married, so we set Jane Markey with the task of out scouting out a life partner in just ten days Following my last article on the single life, the Floreat team challenged me to try and lock down a man in ten (or eleven) days. I said yes on the basis that my mother would be overjoyed and to support Joel in his ‘girlfriend term’ trials. The following blog really wasn’t what I was expecting. Day 1: Attended Castle-Hatfield formal with netball at which we were neither introduced to their netball team or any suitable males. Proceeded to bev with Zara and Lucy Newton and retreat to the Undie. Following this, we went home and hugged Frankie’s dog and talked about mutual hatred of boys. Verdict unsuccessful. Day 2: Went on the Floreat social dressed as the infamous Katie Hopkins of Apprentice/general I-hate-chavs-and-fat-people-and-life-itself fame. Apparently this is not attractive. Lost my coat. Verdict - unsuccessful. Day 3: Woke up to a facebook message from a man called Saam Bayat. Wondered what I had done - turns out it was something Lauren McCollum had done as she had left her purse, phone and common sense in Fabs. Got Tinder notification and situation took miraculous turn for the better. I HAD MATCHED WITH RORY REAMES ON TINDER. Decided I would settle for the Tab’s fittest fresher - for free entry to Loveshack if nothing else. Sent Message. Verdict - looking brighter. Day 4: Am paired with the only boy in my French class in order to write a blog. Contemplate if there is such a thing is fate or if it’s just the seating plan. No reply from Rory Reames. Verdict - hopeful. Day 5: Did seminar work, watched election results, returned to minstrals, had no fun. Still waiting for Rory, but discovered it was okay as he hadn’t been online in 3 days. Verdict - unsuccessful. 14
Day 6: IT’S HALFWAY HALL. The less said the better. Verdict- lol. Day 7: Took Lady to the beach for a hungover change of scenery. Only men in sight were elderly and sitting on the pier. Thought occurs that maybe I’m just being too fussy and these men are a viable option. Sent follow up message to Rory Reames delivering an ultimatum. Worked on the bar and was educated on the rules of ‘bev club’. Also got weird looks from edgy people (assumed they are Rory’s friends and that they have heard of me). Verdict - the glass is always half full. Day 8: Cleaned the bar, had a nap, had drinks at home, fell asleep by 11.30. Got jumped on by housemates and co. Verdict - more nauseous than anything. Day 9: Sent French blog to partner one day late. He did not reply. Neither did Rory Reames. Verdict - beginning to see a pattern. Day 10: Boy in French class reaaaaaaally not happy with delayed blog. Relationship dies. Did some summative reading on Surrogacy, once again, from the comfort of my own home. Verdict - this has not worked. Day 11: Still distressed by summative. Krassi played her house card at 10pm. Went to Lloyds. Went to Pizza Uno. SAW RORY REAMES OUTSIDE PIZZA UNO. Chased him up the street as Krassi tried to capture the dramatic scenes on camera. His friends huddle round him for protection as though this happens all the time. He proceeds to pull down his jeans for no apparent reason. Reames and co then misunderstand my aim and think I am writing the ‘oracle’ and Rory not an article. Verdict - hilarious but I Jane can probably never show my face in Durham again. Fran Danzcak says that the aforementioned behaviour is definitely not okay. All in all, my quest for The Tab’s fittest fresher was less successful than planned. Dom Humphreys, I’ll see you next issue. Rory Reames was not available for comment. 15
LIST
for sharing a room 1)
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Jess Christy and Celia Durkan give us the secrets to a successful roommate relationship
Sharing is caring: Do not be surprised when by week 4 you’re struggling to see where their stuff ends and yours begins. Youll be sharing your toothpaste and have a communal wash basket sooner or later. Warning, don’t cause too much fuss when they dye all your whites pink and shrink your favourite jumper. Even the best of us find the laundry room a challenge. 2) Roommates who play together stay together: Having solo hangovers when you’re sharing is not fun, so make an effort to spend that Thursday formal/undie/Klute together. Just be prepared to share one toilet bowl the morning after. 3) Bros before hoes: No one wants to walk in on their roommate in a compromising position, so make sure that you give them fair warning. A sock on the door can be enough to spare your roommate from the biggest shock of their life. 4) A clear desk means a clear mind: Coming from two girls who haven’t seen their floor since the first day, we advise all roommates to only be as tidy as your significant other - OCD does not bode well for sharing with someone who has an extensive
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5) I didn't text you - vodka did: Make sure that you’re prepared to be woken up by drunk texts which make next to no sense at 3 in the morning, or calls of despair at 7am where you essentially become a sat nav for your roommates drunken walk of shame. 6) Keep your keys on you at all times: this may seem pretty straight forward, but you would be surprised how many times one of the members of j29 will lock the room with her roommates keys still inside. The keep corridor may be nice, but it’s not the ideal place to have a nap when your roommate and the only set of keys are still in klute. What’s said in the room, stays in the room: from embarrassing stories to their latest conquest, it’s inevitable that you will become your roommates confidante and personal welfare officer. Just don’t forget that when you are about to divulge all their gossip, that they know your secrets too - including the aftermath of the Castle law social. Be prepared to babysit: Although no one is over the moon about literally dragging their smashed roommate back from Lloyds or holding back their hair after parent formal, you’ll be grateful of the help when it's you who is the one who physically cannot tackle stairs after an interesting night on the lash.
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CAMPAIGN
UCF president Eleri Watson discusses the society’s most recent campaign Who are University College Feminists? UCF is Durham University’s first ever collegiate feminist group. It was set up in 2012 and has been going strong ever since. Basically, we’re a really relaxed and open-minded group where we discuss gender issues that affect both University College and the wider world. The society meets on a regular basis and is open to everyone and anyone irrespective of gender or college affiliation. We hold meetings, discussion groups, lectures, academic conferences and film nights – something for everyone! What is the ‘Always a Feminist’ campaign? The ‘Always a feminist’ campaign is a photo project run by University College Feminists. Our campaign ‘Always a Feminist’ aims to give a human face to feminism, to associate the term to real people working in Durham. One of the issues we as a society have come across again and again is a desire by many to disassociate our actions from the term ‘feminist’. Feminism is, as the media likes to put it, “a dirty word”. We as an exec asked ourselves why this happens. Our response was that firstly, individuals are unaware of the notion that “feminism is not a rulebook”. Beyond our core values of egalitarianism, feminism, like any other belief system, encompasses a wide-range of views. Secondly, individuals have a set vision of the feminist that is reductive and false. Feminism, despite our campaigns, meetings and work within the community, does not have a human face. 18
How did the idea for the format come about? The idea for the format came about during a focus group discussion regarding notion of the ‘rebranding’ of contemporary social and environmental movements such as climate change and feminism due to their apparently ‘negative’ connotations and associations. It’s true that feminism has been viewed reductively, its followers portrayed as near monstrous figures set upon destroying men and isolating women. However, feminism does not need to be ‘rebranded’. Feminism, in its essence, beyond the accoutrements of its various factions, fundamentally believes in egalitarianism; equality cannot be rebranded nor the followers of it. Our campaign does not seek to ‘rebrand’ but rather to display a reality; feminists are students, parents, office workers, lecturers; indeed, anyone. They always support feminism; it’s not a separate monster that only emerges when Daily Mail misogynism rears its ugly head; it’s a constant battle and a driving desire for equality. The format of the posters evinces this. The posters are of genuine members and supporters of the society from Durham University, who, regardless of their jobs, studies etc. are always part for this striving for egalitarianism. Virut: I define 'always being a feminist'
as always believing in equality between men and women, no matter which form that may take. It also means helping to promote the feminist cause when possible, because what's the point of believing in equality without challenging patriarchy or being silent about something which goes against the concept? Doing so is pretty much the same as accepting the status quo. Naoise: This campaign is about tackling
the multitude of misconceptions surrounding feminism. People need to realise that feminists are ordinary human beings (like me!) and not some scary impersonal force. I am and have always been a feminist. 19
LIST
Castle
St John Featherby and Alex Macpherson
Anna Becket and Katie Moore
(above) George Mallett and Zara McDonald
(right) 20
Anna Safrey and Georgie Willis
Lookalikes
Mark Morris and Dougie McClumpha
(above left) Paddy Edmondes and Freddie Woodruff
(above right) Polly Mainds and Pippa Cole
(left)
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FEATURE
Castle: A Brief History Kenneth Chan provides an overview of some of the history of our majestic home
"Grey towers of Durham, ‌ / Half church of God, half castle 'gainst the Scot ‌ / With records stored of deeds long since forgot." Sir Walter Scott, inscribed on Prebends Bridge. Go see it. How many times have you shown Durham Castle to friends visiting Durham only to have them say Durham Castle is puny? In fact, how many times have you thought the same? That doesn't sound right to me. During the MIddle Ages, Durham played an important role in protecting England from Scottish invasion (not to mention suppress local rebellion agains the ruling Normans). William Wallace, now famous thanks to Braveheart, defeated the English in 1297 and reached as far south as Hexham before eventually being defeated by the Bishop of Durham. In 1346, during the Hundred Years' War, King David II of Scotland invaded England, and in the Battle of Neville's Cross his army was demolished and David was captured. Yes, that Neville's Cross, on Crossgate. Durham Castle is the only English castle that has never been taken. There's no way Durham Castle was always this defenseless, right? What we call the 'castle' now is just a few of the main buildings around the keep. Most people overlook the fact that the Castle comprised the whole of Durham Peninsula. The entire 'Bailey' area was within 11th century castle walls. Not city walls, castle walls. Nowadays, these outer walls are gone, and the only reminders of their existence are the names of a few places where gates used to be. Kingsgate Bridge is the former site of King's Gate. Framwellgate Bridge is the former site of Framwell Gate. Owengate was Owen Gate. Even Windy Gap was Windishole Gate according to the 22
literature. If you look at the Dun Cow Lane side of the Theology department building, you'll see the remains of the medieval Lye Gate. In those days, Moatside Lane was a dry moat protecting the Castle's northern boundary. Another dry moat existed on the present barbican in front of the gatehouse. Framwellgate Bridge, half the width it is now, was a bustling commercial street, and the main entrance to Durham. Elvet Bridge was an even more bustling market street with gates and chapels at both ends; in fact, crossing the bridge now towards Elvet, the first building you see still shows remains of a chapel dedicated to St Andrew. What was Palace Green? All the buildings around the square (le place in French) served important purposes, including the Exchequer, Chancery, Receipt, a courthouse, a granary, etc. Yes, even where there are now public toilets next the Estates and Buildings Department – it used to the Prince Bishop's Mint, where Durham had the right to mint currency until 1536. The Music School, in fact, was a grammar school, the original building of today's Durham School. Historically, le place was once the location of the city marketplace, until Bishop Flambard moved it to its current location for fear of "filth" and the risk of fire contaminating the cathedral – of course. With time, le place was Anglicised to 'Palace'. Finally, it was after the ascension of James VI and I to the united thrones in 1603 23
that Durham began to lose its defensive purposes, and the architecture of the castle gradually altered to reflect its palatial function. For example, the aforementioned dry moat in front of the gatehouse was filled in and replaced with the current barbican. And everyone's heard the story of Moatside Court being a prison. Not entirely true, but the North Gate stood where Saddler's Street joins North Road. It was one of the most important and highly fortified sections of the castle, controlling entrance through the vulnerable northern wall. In later years, the gate tower became used as the county jail, and was the dominant feature of the Durham skyline, until it was demolished in 1820. The remnant of a bastion can still be seen behind Moatside, hence the story.
See, this is stuff you probably don't get on castle tours. There is so much more amazing, fascinating stuff too. I encourage you to visit the World Heritage Site Visitors' Centre to find out more about the founding of Durham by the fellowship of St Cuthbert, the history of Durham since, and the architectural history of the castle itself. Let me part with this factoid: there used to be a well in the middle of the castle courtyard, now filled in. Maybe another factoid: the present entrance to the keep from the courtyard? Not there until 1952. Another one: there was a freaking rail system running from Owengate under the Keep that provided students with their allotment of coal in the days before central heating. 24
LIST
Castle problems A few of the gripes and grievances of a castleman
Stairs The bells Snipers on the roof The vending machine being empty Tray 27 of the vending machine People “leaving their shit in the Lowe” (S. White) Bacon-gate: that unforgettable brunch when the servery ran out of bacon Tourists Chauvinism Cheese rationing at lunch Gibb’s emails Not making it onto the College Cherub list Fire alarms
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TRIED & TESTED
Durham Cafes: The Good, The Bad… and The Batcave Kirsten Ash and Becca Doggwiler list the top ten coffee houses in Durham 10. Café Continental
More like Cafeteria Continental [the puns will get better, we promise] Pros: Great for a break between lectures, but this would be a special occasion for Elvet Riverside’s arts students, who rarely have more than one lecture a day. Cons: Food is a definite hit and miss, stick to the sweet side of the menu! Conclusion: 4/10 9. 9 Altars
Enough to Altar your coffee trip habits? Pros: Perfect for a quick caffeine / sugar rush, in preparation for the Everest that’s Windy Gap, where you’ll burn the calories off straight away! Also, has a riverside seating area. Cons: The smallest of our cafés, which means zero privacy and, unfortunately, the portion sizes match the venue Conclusion: 5/10 8. Chapters
The place to start a new Chapter in your life [sorry] Pros: Good food and an ice cream parlor! Cons: Pretty impersonal and slightly confusing, which really affects the atmosphere. Conclusion: 4/10
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7. Treats
Is this the place to treats your study buddy or significant other? [Just go with it…] Pros: The portion sizes mean you definitely get your money’s worth, with slices of cake the size of your head. Also, some of the friendliest staff we met! Disadvantages: Always very busy and smells like a school dining room. Conclusion: 6/10 6. Tealicious
Lots of teas, which are quite delicious [we’ve given up] Pros: A huge array of cakes and teas. Apparently they serve 18 different varieties, although our non-existent budget (can we have expense next time, Floreat?) didn’t stretch to trying all of them. Cons: It’s a bit too ‘cutesy’ and, as students approaching the end of term (and steadily emptying bank accounts), we’d argue that it’s slightly overpriced. Conclusion: 6/10 5. Cotton’s
Make sure you get there before everyone else cottons on [please make us stop] Pros: Amazing cake (we’d definitely recommend the Red Velvet) and Castle have a really great deal with them on Mondays. Particularly handy when Flat White is closed! Cons: It’s rather cramped, and – unless you live in the Keep – you’d probably argue there are too many stairs. Conclusion: 7/10 4. Flat White
Never falls flat with Durham students [just a bit embarrassing now] Pros: Fills all your indie needs, and is really quite cute. Shockingly prides itself on a great flat white, and we’ll admit it’s pretty good. Cons: Tiny, ridiculously busy, and closed on Mondays. Conclusion: 7/10 27
3. Leonard’s
Probably should have asked Hoser to help with this… Pros: Perfect for a private rendezvous, as it’s slightly off the beaten track, and not too busy. It also has a great selection of Tea Pig Teas. Cons: ‘Off the beaten track’ in Durham means ‘too far away’. Conclusion: 7/10 2. Vennel’s
Okay, we admit defeat… Pros: A great all-rounder, it has a really cosy atmosphere and – if you’re feeling brave – you can sit outside (the thoughtfully placed heaters making this a less chilly prospect!) Cons: It can be very busy, and the lighting isn’t great. But we’re nitpicking here. Conclusion: 8/10 1. Cappriccio’s
Il nostro numero uno Pros: Cute, and very close to Castle, Capriccos has consistently incredible coffee (especially if made by Frank) and great food. You’ll also be talked at Italian by the staff, if that’s your thing. Cons: What gets served is always a surprise, you don’t necessarily get what you ordered, but this adds to the charm and always makes for a more exciting trip. Conclusion: 9/10 Special Mention – Dark Matter A new addition to the coffee scene, this café on Crossgate attempts to combine a love of all things superhero and coffee, and pulls it off surprisingly well! Indulge your inner Big Bang Theory nerd, and get your caffeine hit, whilst watching some Pokémon, or maybe play some Dungeons and Dragons? Comic books and memorabilia are also available. Alongside all this, they also have Crème Eggs and Peanut Butter Hot Chocolate – definitely a major bonus. 28
TRIED & TESTED
Bar Crawl of the Bars That No
One Ever Goes to on a Bar Crawl Sarah Westlake, Amanda Marsh and George Rexstrew venture up the hill… The hill is somewhere not many of us venture often. Amanda did not even know where it was… But we were soon to discover that just like any Bailey bar crawl, a Hill College bar crawl would still lead to bad decisions in Klute. You might even catch Joel Holford climbing out of Moatside windows at the end of the night, whilst offering his double bed and many different types of bread. Struggling to get up the hill Collingwood College drink: The Stagger Contains: Vodka, Jaeger, Tequila, Grenadine and Cranberry Juice Price: £3.75 Rating: 7/10 Impressions: As we walked in we could have been in a hotel reception; however the bar turned out to be a pleasant surprise. Despite the questionable playlist, there was a friendly pub-like ambiance and queuing time was minimal (perhaps due to the fact we were the only customers). Their college drink was a treble. Strong start. Quotes: Sarah - “There’s no sign of how far away this college is”; Sarah - “This drink is an f-ing liberty”
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Van Mildert College drink: Skittles Contains: Vodka, Bols Blue, Taboo and Lemonade Price: £3.20 Rating: 6/10 Impressions: Felt like we were in a youth hostel; however they do accept card and provide free mixers… Slightly questionable bar staff, although we particularly warmed to ‘Big Si’, Van Mildert’s answer to Kempy. The general dress etiquette seemed to be pyjamas. Despite this, good chat was provided by some of Sarah’s past conquests. Quotes: Amanda – “have you got with him?”; Sarah – “yep…I don’t want to talk about it”; George - “I’m so glad we’re in Castle” Trevelyan College drink: Trevs Blue Contains: Vodka, Archers, Bols Blue and Lemonade Price: £3 Rating: 7/10 Impressions: BBC news was being shown as we walked in, this says it all really. This bar was a very disorientating horizontal shape, something Amanda struggled to come to terms with. However they did serve cocktails in proper glasses… pretty snazzy. Again the general dress code appeared to be slippers/no shoes. Quotes: Amanda - “I do actually feel confused by the shape of this bar”; Sarah - “I actually haven’t got with anyone in this bar” 30
Grey College drink: Fanta Banter Contains: Archers, Absinthe, Vodka and Fanta (or lemonade in this case due to a lack of Fanta) Price: £4 Rating: 4/10 Impressions: After an adventure round the JCR and asking for directions, we managed to find this friendly, if slightly soulless bar. Due to drinking incapability Sarah and Amanda tragically resorted to shots of Apple Sourz, bizarrely served in plastic cups, while George braved the college drink. We were slightly confused by the fifty year old woman working behind the bar but the free crisps we were given with every drink definitely improved the situation. Quotes: Amanda on the walk to Grey – “We’re so far away we’re being signposted to Darlington”; Member of Grey – “this is the weirdest bar crawl social I’ve ever seen” St. Mary’s College drink: Purple Haze Contains: Blue Aftershock, Red Aftershock and Lemonade Price: £3 Rating: 3/10 (Amanda discovered she doesn’t like cinnamon) Impressions: Located in the basement (not as cool as an undercroft), this very small but quite cosy bar could definitely be traumatising if busy. However, the bar staff were charming, one of whom Amanda got on very well with, resulting in a free shot named ‘Filth’ (ingredients unknown). Quotes: Amanda – “I flirt for my filth, don’t judge me” Happy to be home 31
SPORT
Castle-Hatfield Day Liberty Brown compiles all the action from the day After last year’s event being cancelled due to snow, this year Castle-Hatfield Day proved to be a fantastic day of friendly sporting rivalry, with Castle’s best sports teams braving the post-fashion show wake up and the trek to Maiden Castle to compete against Hatfield. Whilst the final score may have been 9-7 to Hatfield, Castle put on some impressive performances, particularly given the heavy hit many teams took as a consequence of Castle fashion show being the night before. The day culminated in a nicely Castle-dominated formal at Hatfield, where the spoonbanging “got a bit anti after about 30 seconds” (Tom DiMaio). Once it was over it wasn’t too long before everyone retreated back to the Undie to continue the night. Here’s a round up of what went on during the day: 9:00 am Men’s Hockey (Guy Skinner) Score: 3-0 HATFIELD “Although putting up a good effort, we definitely weren't at full strength. I would attribute much of this due to the state of individuals in the morning after the fashion show! Special mentions to Adam Wells for debuting in goal for us on short notice after Oscar Koronka informed me that he was busy being sick at 7:30am.” Man of the match: Calum Brown was man of match for playing brilliantly, and taking numerous impacts on his ankles like a champ. Women’s Hockey (Katy Knight) Score: 4-2 CASTLE “UCHC had a rather dramatic game ending 2-2 with goals from Bryony Couchman and Aimee Duffy and, we then went to penalty flicks and won 4-2.” Man of the match: Alice Patchett, for saving some amazing goals! 32
10:00 am Women’s Basketball (Sarah Wilson) Score: 14-10 HATFIELD “Play was tense and quite aggressive at times, with Castle refusing to give in to Hatfield. It should be noted that this was not a true Castle-Hatfield fixture as after the match it transpired that one member of the Hatfield team was in fact from Cuths!!!” Man of the match: Lexi Faus, for her excellent work in attack. Squash (Ambrose Crofton) Score: 3-2 HATFIELD “Castle squash lost a tight match 3-2, with wins from nobs and 'me juley'. In the form the fresh still have much to learn, particularly Nick Owen and the art of tossing a coin-- he fell over a table of people multiple times in a desperate effort to catch the penny.” Man of the match: Tom Sinclair “for the colossal dogging he suffered at the hands of a girl” 12:00 noon Netball (Lucy Newton) Score: 21-17 HATFIELD “We were winning at half time and drawing 14-14 going into the final quarter, but they just pulled ahead. It was incredible tense and a very high standard with the Hatfield containing 4 Uni 1st players!” Man of the match: We didn't have a man of the match because it was such a huge team effort, but Pippa Brock was a standout. Tennis (Liberty Brown) Score: 6-2 CASTLE “Castle tennis had a massive win against Hatfield who had 4 DU tennis players. The match was far from uneventful, with Alice Patchett having to pull out half laughing half crying after hitting herself in the face with her own racket.” Man of the match: Doubles pair Nick Boulter and Harrison Probert for easily beating a DU 2nd team doubles pair 6-2. 33
1:00 pm Golf (Tom DiMaio) Score: 2-1 HATFIELD “University College Golf Club played very well and were unlucky to lose 2-1 to an extremely strong Hatfield side.” Man of the match: Definitely Sam Harris who single handedly won us our only point. Croquet (Ellis Bland) Score: the score I don't know but we (CASTLE) won. “Castle dominated from the start, with Tom Sinclair and Adam Hedges thrashing the first set of Hatfield boys. The second game saw Ambrose Crofton and Harry Gordon take on the backwards wearing flat-cap chop who was their Hatfield opponent. Not only was this boy truly useless at Croquet, he also blasphemed in front of the newly appointed Bishop of Durham and his wife. Captain Sinclair lead by example with not only exquisite croquet, but a level of outstanding sporting banter which is not often heard on the sports pitch.” Man of the match: Harry Gordon.
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2:00 pm Men’s Football (Will Danskin) Score: 7-0 HATFIELD “As we lost 7-0, there's really nothing positive for me to report.” Man of the match: Josh Smedley, for producing some excellent saves and stopping the game from becoming a cricket score. 4:00pm Women’s Football (Polly Swindells) Score: 5-0 CASTLE “Big 5-0 win for UCWAFC with goals from Alex Jessett, Danielle Del Vicario and Sam Brizuela. Woman of the match: Tori Carbol for her consistent goalkeeper pleasing defensive prowess.” Woman of the evening: Rachel Warman for her inventive cutlery hiding techniques… 5:00pm Mixed Lacrosse (Will Zurawel) Score: 8-5 CASTLE “Great performance from the predominantly fresher team (some of whom had never played before!)” Pool (Dom Thurlow-Wood) Score: 6-5 CASTLE “Castle started strongly with Harry Henley-Smith and Sam Harris getting early "W's" on the board. However, we had a deficit of 3-2 at the half way break before Hoser won a vital frame and Captain David Gell barely broke sweat in his frame victory. In-form Thurlow-Wood won a tight frame but Alex Shaw was incredibly unlucky as his opponent tied the match at 55. Following this dramatic ending, some clever bargaining from Gell resulted in a single doubles match to decide the outcome. Thurlow-Wood and Gell stepped up with the latter taking out an impressive 6 ball finish to earn revenge for the Castle Team and take his and DTW's doubles record to 14 from 15 in all competitions.” Man of the Match: David Gell
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ADVICE
SYMPATHETIC STUDENT SOLUTIONS: Where are they now? Nyall Sharp and Mike ‘SWAJ’ Yorke reflect on the past two terms In this issue of Nyall and SWAJ, we will be looking back at some of our client’s issues and whether they have been resolved. We have taken our time to track down an involved member involved in the problem and see how they are faring now. Further, SWAJ has offered some advice for you all next term.
“Liver out seen wearing a UCNC jumper. Does this mean he’s not happy with who he lives with?”(FC, Issue 1, Term 1) SWAJ: Hi W, do you think that wearing the jumper showed promising signs early on that you and your girlfriend, let’s call her G, for girl, would become a premier couple in Castle? W: Hi Swaj. I think it did. To be able to share one’s possessions with the other half shows an immense level of trust and endearment for them. It just so happened to be that a fire alarm went off, scary I know, and I was desperate to ensure the safety of G so I chucked on the first piece of clothing that I could find. My theory is that the fire alarm went off because of the sparks which were evident early on between us. “The pee in a pot query” (FC, Issue 3, Term 2) We shall call this person Bodge to hide his actual name, initials will be BH. Nyall: Hi BH. In light of the death of your MacBook, and the battle between Krassi and Anna Mora for your heart/D, do you think that peeing in a pot has reduced your attractiveness? BH: Well, it depends on the girl. Some, like K, would probably not dig it at all. However, others, like AM I imagine, would be really into that weird shit. But I maintain my point about 8 out of 10s being incompatible with me, so they can figure themselves whether they have a chance. May the best man win. 36
“The idiot on the bar who keeps trying to make it rain with a £5 note” (FC, Issue 1,
Term 1) SWAJ: Hi Nyall, as you know, you are this idiot. What is the reason for doing so, and have you any general advice for our fellow Castlemen and women for the next term? Nyall: If you weren’t already aware SWAJ, I’ve managed to acquire a job at the intensely successful, richly famous, and heavily sought after global tax and assurance firm; EY. This means that in little less than 6 months’ time I will be routinely pulling on a Burton super slim fit suit and taking the Northern line straight to London Bridge. To put it more simply I’m going to be making some serious dollar. As a direct consequence of this augmented income I will have the scope to ‘make it rain’ back at my bedsit in the depths of Zone 4. Thus, my actions behind the bar are simply me getting giddy at the thought of my future, and the undeniable amounts of success and sex that it entails. And my advice “Eat, Bev, Piece, Repeat”. “Why do people call me SWAJ all the time?”(FC, Issue 1, Term 1) Nyall: Hi SWAJ, why are you called SWAJ, and have you yourself have any advice for our fellow Castlemen and women for the next term? SWAJ: Hi Nyall, thanks for asking me. Firstly, my name is actually Mike Yorke. Secondly, I am called SWAJ because I garnered a reputation for being one of the worst sharks in the ocean that is college. However, in terms of advice, you need someone like my Mediterranean Minx at your side. When my head is down, she raises me up so I can stand on mountains. She raises me up, so I can walk on stormy seas, I am strong, when I cry on her on shoulders, she raises me up, to be more than I could be. “Does Adam Wells play rugby?” (Every week) After searching for a while, we caught up with Adam in a boat on the Wear. SWAJ: Hi Adam, do you play rugby? AW: No, I only row and play Mixed Lax.
Valentine’s Day Singleton (FC, Issue 3, Term 2) Unfortunately, we were unable to track down the male in question due to his conditions of bail. 37
DEAR LADIES
AND
GENTLEMEN
OF
CASTLE,
Another term is coming to an end, and our seasonal little Gossip-HQEaster-bunny has come out to play. In fact, he’s left me a trail of your dirty secrets to find and enjoy. It may be summative season but this hasn’t seemed to dampen your mood. On the contrary, Castlemen, I have to thank you - I’ve been inundated with a plethora of your sordid stories to keep me amused. My associates from Global Gossip HQ have informed me that it has recently been awards season. Apparently, successful people across the world have lately been recognised with saucy little gold statues. In light of this, I have decided to reward prominent Castlemen and Ladies with their very own accolades to display on their mantelpiece. You might find that your peers’ antics may not always be inspirational, but in the words of one infamous playwright: “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” With that in mind, please take time to reflect on these past few weeks and remember to inform me if you remember any furtive little anecdotes from across the term. You know you love me, XOXO
Best Visual Effects: This highly technical award goes to two troublesome fresher artistes, who have opened the door to outstanding aesthetic innovation. Having provided a ground -breaking contribution to the view from Moatside S block, Magnus Peer and Jack Rubseemi made sure there was nowhere to hide for one unlucky fresher girl's close-up. (m)Harsh... Best Actor in a Crime Drama: In the category of Best Actor in a Crime Drama, this second year was awarded Firth place. However, Annaother well known individual had to collect the award for him due to the unfortunate conditions of his bail. Michelin Star: I’d like to award this accolade to a certain saucy member of the college servery staff. Apparently this sexy working gent served up an unusually aphrodisiacal college lasagne to one second year this term, later confiding that ‘she Wol’ad’don anything for his sausage at brunch’. Best Newcomer: Having been presented the award, this fresher gave a particularly brown (son)nosing acceptance speech, tearfully thanking his Dad, who he has apparently been trying to become more intimate with recently. The newcomer revealed that he had learnt many things from him this term, such as ‘incest is best’, but also ‘DiegNo means no’. Here at Gossip HQ, I am looking forward to seeing his Klute comeback in four weeks’ time. Best Original Score in a Drama: This prestigious award goes to a second year who has well and truly gateKrasshed his way into Castle’s favourite relationship crisis. Its been a tempestuous few weeks; HibBut it seems that this gentleman's best efforts have finally paid off, as he reminded her that you should never underestimate the power of a hockey stick and a Scottish accent. Teen Choice Award: Who else could receive this award than Castle’s most adorable new couple? The Teen Choice award goes to this fresh-faced young chap, who has lovingly dedicated considerable time and effort to Sharpening his Munique pulling skills. As for the lucky lady, she’s been practising hard for her future exec role by carefully servicing his Willyams. All for the good of the JCR. Best Supporting Actress: It's happened. Behind every great man is a great woman, and given his success in this year's elections, one future leader could Win Loads of girls across the university; but recent events have confirmed suspicions that his heart (and lips) have been firmly rooted to the Bailey all along. Waity Katie's dream of becoming Queen of the Castle could now be a reality... Gossip Guild’s Honorary Lifetime Achievement Award: I bestow this honour on a fourth year who has given me a blow-by-blow account of her recent undertakings. McChastity (‘I won’t let them touch me – I’m not that kind of girl’) has single-handedly conquered a total of three young Castlemen in only one week. All three made a Joelly good effort to reach the PhilPott of Gold at the end of her rainbow, with varying degrees of success. She now needs the luck of the Irish to find that fourth leaf for her very lucky clover.
THE BACK PAGE PEOPLE YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU WANTED TO SLEEP WITH Featuring Georgia Brooke and Amelia Monks
PEOPLE WHO NEVER MAKE LISTS BECAUSE THEY HAVE A BOYFRIEND OUTSIDE OF DURHAM (BUT ARE STILL ATTRACTIVE)
This issue was brought to you by: Kirsten Ash, Mike Bedigan, Ellis Bland, Liberty Brown, Livia Carron, Kenneth Chan, Jess Christy, Becca Doggwiler, Celia Durkan, St John Featherby, Gossip Girl, Barnaby Hodgkins Joel Holford, Katherine Hurst (Cover Design) Anthony Kane, David Knowles, Jane Markey, Lauren McCollum, Krassi Petrova, Amy Rolf , Nyall Sharp, Eleri Watson and Mike Yorke 40
Featuring Bryony Couchman