The Farewell Issue by Floreat Castellum

TOUR ROUNDUPS 8 UCNC 10 UNRFC

22 June Ball Survival Guide 24 Boys Will Be Boys & Girls Just Wanna Have Fun 28 Mike Benedict and Rich Jones: Castle’s Longest Sharers

12 UCDC

34 Gossip Girl

FEATURES 2 Editor’s Letter

LISTS

6 Older, Not Wiser

5 Lookalikes

14 Should Girls Ask Guys Out?

27 The Veteran’s 10 Commandments for a Durham Night Out

16 Who the Fudge is George Durham?

31 Lonely Hearts

17 Your Master’s Voice

32 Would You Rather?

18 Livers Out 2014-2015

9 14

EDITOR’S LETTER Well that went fast. After a year sharing the weird, wild and wonderful that is Castle, it’s time to move on and leave the magazine in the very capable hands of Jess Christy, Sarah Westlake and Celia Durkan. I don’t tend to write much for Floreat so I thought I’d take this rare occasion to print two things that I think the magazine has lacked this year. Firstly, an inspirational quote from the Queen B:

Secondly, the inclusion of myself in a fit list. Therefore, I would like to open the Farewell Issue with the 2014 Floreat Editorial Board fit list. It was a tough call, but here are the definitive rankings:

Kenneth Chan After much deliberation it was apparent that only Kenneth could take the top spot. More than just muscle, he brings a touch of class to the magazine. In fact, one of the Floreat ladies is already head petrover heals for him.

continued. . .

Joel Holford With almost as many mentions in Floreat as he has notches on his bedpost, Joel was unfortunately just pipped to the post on this list by the rest of the editorial team.

LIST

Krassi Petrova shares some of the most uncanny lookalikes to castlemen sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s come across online and on security

Top row (Campus Cards): Tom DiMaio, Lucie Berry, Johnny Philpott Bottom Row (Tinder and Facebook): George Foster, Jane Markey, Sam Packham

FEATURE

As the end of the year approached, Celia Durkan, Jess Christy and St John Featherby decided to gather together some reflections from various year groups

FRESHERS Helen Bradbrook: I now know never to use such a small towel again after several close encounters on Moatside corridors Bill Goss: A newfound realisation that things cost money, even at Castle’s knockdown prices Jess Christy: When you agree to take on the role as Panto dame, be prepared your costume to deflate at regular intervals #fatsuitprobz Callie Foreman: Never chunder in front of a perspective landlord. Celia Durkan: The English never have and never will understand my accent (norn iron probz) George Winstanley: Discovered that it is possible for a city of less than 45000 people to sustain at least 5 bakeries, 3 subways and numerous pizza joins.

2nd Years Nick McQueen: Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. Charlotte Thomas: Your room is not a service station despite the traffic. 6

Katy Knight: It only takes a few days before you question what has started to inhabit your dish filled sink. Jonathan Whittaker: Despite exams or deadlines your number one priority is still to binge-watch garbage American TV. Marnie Blair: Tinder is not the source of true love.

Henry Winlow: Not all my fictional idols are as kind in real life (RON)

FINALISTS Ollie Brown: Hangovers definitely exist. Sam Packham: Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t wear red chinos or gilets. Nyall Sharp: I quote my favourite philosopher, Asher Roth - "I can't tell you what I have learned from school, but I can tell you a story or two" Anna Bailey: You know what they say : Never Shag your heroes. Sophia white: Red wine is never your friend Simon Gallow: Life is like a box of chocolates; I literally cannot stop eating.

TOUR ROUNDUP

UCNC University College Netball Club Jane Markey (UCNC Social Sec) gives us a day by bay run down of what the Netball girls got up to in Prague UCNC’s first ever tour (in living memory), got off to a great start when Krassimarea Petrova woke up post-Bierfest with a chipped tooth. Hilarity ensued as she fought with the Durham University Hospital to fix it pre-Prague, but we won’t say much more about that as karma has already screwed me over. Expectations for tour were so high that Frankie Beetham considered a fifteen month jail sentence just to come along. Although, this would not have been necessary had she tried to get a passport more than 48 hours in advance. For those interested, eye witnesses have confirmed that she was on ‘top form’ in Mull. Monday saw da gals hit the ground running with a bar crawl culminating in the first of many McDonald’s trips. Kath Patel really got us into the swing of things with a polished routine and Hiwot Emma Ameneshoa, UCNC player of the year, had the BEST NIGHT OF HER LIFE despite nearly getting kicked out of the club. Rude boiiii Lizzie Riley went absolutely mental when Westlake told her there was a coffee shop above Maccas, only to find out that it was literally a coffee shop. Day 2 was one for taking in the city, hungover walking tours which to the surprise of many involved a lot of walking, and Hiwot posing for photos on the Charles Bridge with small eastern European children. Cocktails led to a frantic search for any open supermarket that was available for a mid-lash and staying in the club til da AM. As ZMcD’s love affair with the Big Tasty continued, her feud with Magda blossomed. Hiwot will never do a speed crunch ever again. 8

Topless Tour returned on Wednesday at Podoli pool where Lizzie and Zara slathered themselves in factor 50 and continued their war on tanning. Krassi broke Griggs’ arm to get catch a bride’s bouquet in the square, but gave a heartwarming speech at dinner to make up for it. Dinner was followed by a few games - including crack Tilly and Lizzie over the head with a window - and a lively but short-lived show before going out. Much abuse was dished out the next day thanks to a certain someone’s epic two minute appearance at Duplex before retreating to the safety of McD’s. For anyone wondering what Hiwot did today, she cried a lot, fell asleep, snored like an injured rhino and remembered none of it the following day. Thursday was a day of culture with Hiwot seeing her first ever erotic film, a trip to see a Salvador Dali exhibition and Anna Miller dressing to impress on her 21st. After proving too popular for our own good, UCNC joined a bar crawl that led to Westlake emptying the contents of her stomach and having to be taken home by Katie and Tilly, Smack using Griggs as a dancing puppet because she lost the ability to control her own limbs and Hiwot making the rounds. Again and again and again. She still hasn’t found ‘da one’. Sources have claimed that the club was more lady of the night than student night, but UCNC undoubtedly held their own. All in all, a success story. 9

TOUR ROUNDUP

Tom DiMaio reflects on their trip to Lisbon As a club UCDC are renowned for having a different take on tour destinations. After Amsterdam ‘12 and Benidorm ‘13, Lisbon ‘14 certainly carried on the trend of tour being a certified non-dange. Lisbon is a beautiful city made even more beautiful by our pink shirts roaming the streets like diamonds in a sea of Iberian culture. The locals were obviously aware we were staying in the capital and had planned some sort of huge festival in our honour for our final night, which we looked forward to eagerly. It’s so hard to sum up darts tour so briefly so I’ll try to give a glimpse of just how ridiculous the entire thing was. It was (as UCDC old-boy Si Atkinson would almost certainly say) a “non -lütz”. Our go to haunt was a classy place aptly named ‘Liverpool Bar’ much to Tom Cummins’ initial delight. However, it became immediately obvious that the bar had absolutely nothing to do with Liverpool. Nevertheless they were great hosts even if a bit odd. Absolute dive. Many of the darts lads went to Lisbon hoping to find love and on the whole there was limited success in this area. Thanks to my ability to speak Italian fluently (sing the national anthem) I was able to set the charming Mr Gell up with a beautiful Italian girl who he would certainly have married had he been in any state to type his own phone number correctly. Many of you may know Dillon Bloomfield as a ‘no holds barred’ Berwick upon Tweed lad with a pocket full of dreams and a heart of pure platinum. But for one night only he transformed into something quite different. Wearing a tank top that can only be described as harrowing and a one euro hat bought from a random man, 10

Bloomfield became ‘Supero D’ a Bolivian darts prodigy who spoke no English but was on a scholarship to study in the UK. Dillon really grew into the role, at one point during the evening a girl was running down the street crying ‘does anyone speak fluent Portuguese!?’ Dillon replied instantly ‘Si! Si!’ and proceeded to have a prolonged phone conversation which can be transcribed as follows ‘Si. Si….Si… NOO!’. I’m sure that he solved whatever problem was occurring. One day saw UCDC hit the beach and give birth to the sport of ‘Audacious Ball’, which was nothing short of audacious. For me it provided the highlight of the holiday as Alec Vjestica managed to throw the small plastic ball so that it landed directly underneath a lady. She was not aware at all and Alec struggled to explain the nature of his problem to the women. Alec had forgotten his trunks and thus decided his boxers were an adequate substitute (they were actively not). I can only imagine the terror on the woman’s face when a semi-nude man (semi being a highly appropriate term) stumbled over in a state of obvious intoxication and started wildly gesticulating at her behind. The problem was solved without anyone being arrested for public indecency. On a slightly more serious note, Thursday saw the start of the Brazil world cup and as the links between Portugal and Brazil were so strong, the atmosphere in the main square was one of the most compelling things I have ever witnessed. Hundreds if not thousands of native Brazilians came to watch the game on a big screen and it was a really special moment that I’m sure those of us who were in a state to remember will never forget. Shame Brazil were crap and cheated their way to victory. Our final night saw Lisbon play host to a huge festival. It transpired that it wasn’t actually for us but instead it was Lisbon Day or something (I’m not really sure). Basically there were loads of sardines knocking about and we almost lost Sam Harris despite his insistence that he was indeed “keen to bev”. We almost missed the whole festival as Reeve suggested we should go home and get changed instead and then wrestle. Overall it was the perfect way to end three years with a club that has had a significant impact on my life in a number of ways. . Oh, and I got smacked in the face which I’m sure will delight 98% of the people reading this. Never that. 11

TOUR ROUNDUP

In the interests of observing the rule that ‘what happens on tour stays on tour’, Ellis Bland gives us a peek into the trip with a selection of highlights and quotes from Rugby Club members

HECTOR WHITE Highlight: Chissy Mcjizzlebells mercilessly tearing apart a tinny Favourite Quote: "Cure for too much tour? More tour." ~ Pete Kirby Man of Tour: Paddy Edmondés, for his reign in the rave pit

Cameron Bell Highlight: Danger Can Favourite Quote: "Hold up I just need to terminate my beer" or "Chloe Titswellnourished" Man of Tour: George 'loose c**t' Foster

Matt Kemp Highlight: Having a lunch of falafel with the Jewish community of Krakow in the backroom of a Jewish takeaway, next to a synagogue Favourite Quote: “where's Fister?” Man of Tour: Kesh, for incredible water sliding skills 12

George Foster Highlight: Water Park Favourite Quote: "So how long have you been stripping for?" ~ BJD Man of Tour: CTJ for the obvious or Yorke because I think he deserves a mention

Barnaby Hodgkins Highlight: Jamming with a tramp at 4:30 am with HHS and Yorkie Quote: "They wanted 1400 fish for a hug" Man of Tour: CTJ, greater organiser, great fun, great person

OPINION

Kenneth Chan considers this pressing concern There is so much pressure on guys to ask girls out. Wouldn't it be great if more girls started asking guys out? The reality is, after all, that while guys are in effect trained by repetition not to be devastated by a "No", there is always a fear of rejection. In the brain, pain from social rejection is registered in the same areas and patterns as physical pain, in the dACC. Practically, your reality with that girl is forever changed. Boundaries are laid down. If you were friends, maybe your friendship will turn awkward. There is a certain degree of emotional safety associated with emotional reservedness. He who reveals his emotions puts himself on the line. Once the words are out, control is in the hands of the other. He makes himself vulnerable. In the game of love, therefore, the girl has the power of "yes" or "no". The phallus is an object of ownership. At the same time, there exists a certain male privilege of being able to choose whether to be in or out of the dating pool. If a girl considered generally attractive wants to no longer be available, she can't simply remove herself from play. There will always be guys asking her out. For a guy, he just has to not ask. However, in this arena, most guys seem to have the mentality of a hunter. A hunter wants to earn his catch. To obtain the prize of the girl's affection. In a hunter's mentality, something you don't have to work for is almost always going to be valued less. Does being asked out as a guy then involve a loss of masculine identity? Conversely, if two people like each other, but the guy refuses to make a move, why play games? Girls are always waiting for prince charming, but your prince charming is a fool. Men are fools who often don't pick up on hints. 14

Is there an invaluable romance in a traditional courtship? Is the pursuit itself inherently romantic? Perhaps. In the world of Disney, Prince Charming will always see his destined love in the end, and he will sweep her off her feet out of derelict conditions, and they will happily ever after. There is, however, a fine line between persistence and harassment. If the attraction is mutual, it can be seen as romantic. But if the girl doesn't like the guy relentlessly pursuing her, well, then that's assault. In Beauty and the Beast, if it weren't for the [strikethrough]creepy[/strikethrough] adorable, friendly, living furniture, it's a story of a monster who kidnaps a girl and trains her to be his love slave. There is so much anxiety that can be alleviated if the girl asks the guy out instead. But won't a girl seem over-aggressive if she asks a guy out? This concern is involved with the same fear of rejection as that which men face. In a society of increasing gender equity, why are women not assuming equal responsibility for taking "risky initiatives"? Answering that, we can say we're facing changing gender roles in society, but from an evolutionary perspective, males and females face different reproductive circumstances due to fundamental sex differences, leading to the evolution of dimorphic psychological adaptations. Humans as a species have very high levels of obligate parental investment. Male parental investment is thus a highly prized reproductive resource. To attract a high value reproductive partner, females demonstrate the qualities that males desire in a long term mate. What does this have to do with asking guys out? Males suffer from genetic paternity insecurityâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;they are uncertain which children are genetically their own. But they mustn't waste resources on another man's offspring. Females can therefore increase their attractiveness by giving cues that forecast future sexual fidelity. By refraining from taking the initiative to ask guys out, girls are potentially providing evidence that they will not make the first move with another man in the future. Anyway. This is digressing. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

INVESTIGATION

Who the fudge is George Durham? Joel Holford meets this man of mystery to try and uncover whether he is, in fact, a real person

A myth? A fictional facebooker? Nope, heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a finalist. How do you feel about people not thinking you are a real person on Facebook because your surname is Durham? I must admit, it hurts. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm real myself or if I banged my head on A-Level results day and this is all just some terrible surname-related nightmare. Who is your favourite fictional person? Well I like Abraham Lincoln in that film Lincoln about Abraham Lincoln, and I also like that his name is a place (Lincoln), but Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d have to go with Spider-man. And who the flip is George Durham? I've been described as a troubled genius, walking the line between immeasurable intelligence and childish idiots. Personally I would simply say that I am a man, a man with a dream of being recognised as more than a surname and a torso with a non-descript face. You may say that sounds impossible but let me dream Joel, let me dream. 16

CREATIVE WRITING

Your Master’s Voice is much better now after losing it partying hard with the rugby club and the V’s Boys after exams! Super-klute Tuesday, Quaddie for £4.50? Yes please, seven! SlurpSlurp-bleeeugh! #lash #ladsonit #whofancysapint? #chomsky? I hope you have all enjoyed this year with me as much as I have! It sure has been eventful: the publication of Gridlocked (584, 785 most popular on Amazon! #getting there), the online success of the Castle Lecture series (Beyond Consent: Sexual Liberation, Sexual Violence and Human Rights – 59 Youtube views) and of course the appearance at Castle of a world famous commentator on public affairs and expert political writer, and Noam Chomsky. We are almost at the end of the academic year and for some of you this means the end of your time in Durham! Having finished your degrees you are now cast off into the big wide world to fend for yourselves: have a career, start families, give it all up and become a teacher… who knows! It is important for those of you who are leaving the world of academic institutions to reflect on appropriate roles models for your life ahead. Who could possibly provide a useful and imitable role model for yourselves and even your children and your children’s children? Such a person, I suppose, would have to combine intellectual rigour (sorry ‘hello darling’ Dickie!) with dashing personal charisma and rather fetching good looks. Not owning an annoying talking dog might also help (we are all looking at you Eva*) … In this regrettably brief message I could not possibly hint at who I think might be your best role model to be found in Castle. All I can do is paraphrase my favourite artist of the rap Mr Marshall Mathers III, ‘Can the real Professor David Held please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?’ As he says elsewhere, ‘it feels so empty without me.’ Held out. *Seriously, either Otto goes or I do.

Livers Out 2014-2015

FEATURE

June Ball Survival Guide Lauren McCollum brings you the dos and don’ts of making it through the biggest night of the year DO wear flat shoes, gals. The Great Hall deserves to see your best moves, don’t deny it that because of an inappropriate footwear choice. DON’T be ashamed to take a loo selfie in the Octagon room toilet. The Queen has weed there, for Christ’s sake. DO grab the opportunity to profess your undying love to Castle’s top babe Lynne Carrick, if you have been waiting for a chance to do so, gentlemen. DON’T let the haters stop you from doing your thang. Go ahead and spend half an hour in the queue for the Hog Roast, or all night in the cake room, if that’s what you choose to do. DO play Deal or No Deal during dinner at your own risk. £124 is a lot of money to pay to not remember a thing after 11 o’clock. DON’T stand in the middle of a crowd of your most giant friends for the Survivors’ Photo if you are 5 ft 0 tall. You are the only one who will recognise your hand. DO take as many pictures as you can. You are at a ball in a castle, you may never have a better opportunity to make your Facebook friends jealous.

DON’T ignore the dress code. You’ll regret that ‘fuck the system’ short dress or top hat before you’ve even finished your first glass of champagne. DO wear your kilt properly if you’re a Scottish boy. The girls at the Céilidh haven’t been hanging around that long just to catch a glimpse of your Calvin Kleins. DON’T think about results at 2pm the next day. ‘Tonight’s the night when we forget about the heartbreak’ (T. Swift 2013). Ain’t nobody got time for the crying drunk at June Ball. DO brace yourself for a hefty dry cleaning bill afterwards. JB is go hard or go home. Don’t be surprised if your tails take a bit of a beating. DON’T forget that the breakfast queue is an every man for himself zone. After twelve hours of drinking, bacon is imperative, friendship is futile. Trust no one.

FEATURE

Boys will be boys Girls just wanna have fun Mike Bedigan and Callie Foreman attempt to understand nights out from the perspective of the opposite sex We have tried our hardest to comprehend boys and girls nights out from the view of the opposite sex, but let’s be honest there is no way we’re ever going to understand each other completely. So here it is: Preparation Callie: As all girls will understand the preparation for a girls’ night out takes some serious time and there is a lot to be considered; have I had photos taken in this outfit recently? Will dry shampoo suffice or do I have to endure the arduous task of washing my hair? Boobs or legs (don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard)? NB: Average girl prep time: 1-2 hours Mike: Sh*t, shower, shave (if necessary), does my t-shirt smell funny? Sorted. NB: Average guy prep time: 20 minutes. The Pre Callie: It is important to remember that whilst ‘prinks’ do start during the prep one must never imbibe before putting on makeup or trying to operate curlers/ straighteners. That’s a disaster waiting to happen. The next task is trying to fit a group of 10+ girls into a tiny moatside room. Drinking games involving wine and cheap vodka are a must, then there’s the last minute shot and the once over in the mirror before leaving which almost always results in a complete re-do of hair/make -up/outfit. NB: Snapchat all for all is amazing . 24

Mike: The best type of ‘pre-drinks’ take place in the Undie, casual drinks and good chat. I want to enjoy the inebriation process and not be interrupted halfway through by the arrival of a group of extremely lairy girls that have spent the past four hours in their bedrooms downing spritzers and gossiping. NB: I don’t give a monkeys about the snapchats of your ‘epic pres’. In The Club Mike: Now I’m not bitter or anything but it is a fact that most girls will use their… assets in order to obtain certain preferential treatment. Tits equal service, whether that means flashing the bouncer for a queue jump or resting them on the bar to catch the eye of the barman. I’m even LESS bitter about the ease with which girls can pull should they be so inclined. A guy can graft hard all night to no avail whereas I have observed first hand girls that have quite literally tripped and fallen into a pull. I also do not appreciate the abundance of slutty dancing if a) it is not with me or b) the assumed invitation is followed by a slap to the face. NB: a key that opens many locks is a master key; a lock that can be opened by many keys is a rubbish lock…still not bitter. Callie: Although admittedly being a girl has its benefits, it’s not all sunshine and jaeger bombs. The toilet queue. If I had a quid for every time I’ve stood enviously in the queue for the ladies, watching guy after guy slip casually in an out of the gents, I would have enough money to buy my own private porta-loo so I’d never have to queue again! Guys should also realise that I don’t care how much of a ‘shlad’ it makes me, I am not about to ‘see off’ the £5 quaddie I just bought. NB: In the unique Durham clubbing environment where heels are virtually nonexistent, boys are warned to be mindful of violent elbow swinging. NBNB: Mike would like to point out that elbows to the face is not a problem solely limited to females.

PNT (Post-Night Trauma) Mike: The big question after a night out is always: pizza, chips or subway? Without a doubt, girls will whine for a good twenty minutes about how they shouldn’t spoil their June Ball diet, then suddenly decide, just as you’re about to leave, that they might as well get something now that they’re here. Another inevitability is the presence of the one girl who is crying her eyes out. I don’t know why she’s crying, you don’t know why she’s crying. I’m not even sure she knows why she’s crying. NB: Girls get into arguments about the stupidest things. The fact that she’s a bitch for wanting something other than pepperoni will all be forgotten in the morning, I guarantee you. Callie: The most annoying thing after a night out is most definitely trying to fight the urge to buy a footlong or trying to ignore the boys across the room that are all destroying 12inch pizzas, while you nibble at the four slices shared between eight people. NB: We ALWAYS get pepperoni.

Through the consultation of drunken text messages and the morning after debriefs – think David Attenborough meets Geordie Shore – we can take away this: A girls night out is infinitely more traumatic; with hours spent doing hair and make-up, making and breaking lifelong friendships and serious food envy. However if its love you’re looking for or just a story to brag about over brunch (the heart’s desire of most fellas), a girls night out has an undoubtedly higher success rate. Boys, if want to improve your gold-rush chances perhaps you should start getting ready after breakfast too. 26

LIST

The Veteran’s 10 Commandments for a Durham Night Out Sarah Westlake draws on personal experience to create this definitive guide

3. 4. 5.

6. 7.

8. 9. 10.

Delete any contacts that could potentially receive any soppy, terrifying or simply incomprehensible voicemails from you. This particularly applies to family members. Whatever you do, do NOT Facebook message that random pull you had in Klute the night before. It will imply stalking and desperation. You might think you’re in love, but you’re not. Leave the Credit Card at home. Debit Cards are dangerous, Credit Cards will lead to tears. If you want to cry, do it with dignity, preferably once home. Stay in Durham: exploring the local area may seem like a top idea after ten jaeger bombs and a bottle of wine, but in the morning, when you wake up in the wrong town, it will not be quite so hilarious. Do not book a holiday at three in the morning when you get home (Dillon Bloomfield: Guilty). Avoid crying, screaming “SOMEONE’S PISSED MY BED!”, sniffing the said piss and throwing coke at the wall. Especially avoid doing this in front of a porter. Do not stroke people. Even if you really want to. Do not send selfies to your employer, followed by numerous messages asking not to be sacked. If you do any of the above, then do so with dignity and secrecy: you may want to tell everyone, but you will regret this. Trust me. 27

â&#x20AC;&#x153;I came here for a degree, but I also gained a first class brotherâ&#x20AC;? ~ Richard Jones, 2014 *

* this quote may or may not be completely fictional

FEATURE Sophia White sits down with Mike Benedict and Richard Jones as they take time to reflect on three years together as Castle’s Longest Sharers As Castle’s longest running bromance, Mike and Rich shared a room in first year, a house in 2nd year and a room again for their 3rd and final year at Castle. I caught up with Mike & Rich in the courtyard on the 6th June to find out what 3 years together does to two boys and if they had any top tips for sharing. On the first day there was Varsity. That fresher tradition of drinks in Varsity to meet people was the first time they laid eyes on each other. According to Mike, Richard came over to join Mike’s already large group of friends. Mike had no idea Richard was his roommate. Richard, on the other hand, did know. Neither of them can recall the moment when Mike realised they were sharing but it wasn’t creepy that Richard was following Mike back to the same room that evening; it always felt right. I asked Mike for his first impression of Richard. It was a good one. He called Callum (Kilpatrick) “The Shermanator”, this raked in all the laughs at Varsity. Sadly it was the first and the last time Richard would ever say anything funny. On asking Richard his first impression of Mike he could only comment on what a “schlid” Benedict had. At least Richard’s first impression of Mike was a lasting one. The two boys spent 2nd year separated by a wall. Mike said it was like having a long distance relationship. Richard said it felt much longer when Mike hardly spent any time in the bedroom that was next door. Oi oi. Gone are the days of trying to make their room “the social hub of college” (it was debatable O32 ever was, G6 was pretty wild). G3 has been relatively empty this year. Sharing in 3rd year is a lot different to sharing in first year. More time is spent in the library working than pre-drinking, but I think all of us in 3rd year will agree with that. Mike and Richards top tip for sharing in 3rd year? Don’t do it. In Mike and Rich speak this means “We’ve had the best year of our lives together and would highly recommend it to anyone considering living-in in their last year”. 29

Looking back over the 3 years, if you could give your younger selves a bit of advice what would it be? Richard quickly piped up with “Don’t go after Rolf” for fresher Mike, hindsight is a beautiful thing. Mike looked Richard in the eyes and said, with a hint of brotherly love “I’d have told you not to go on that football social where all the big head chat started – would have made uni a lot easier for you”. Now that’s love right there. 3 years has flown by but we here at Castle wish the boys the best in the future, rumour has it they are also planning on sharing a room in London (two bed flats are a bit too expensive).

I asked the boys what the others Pet Hate, Favourite song to sing in the Shower and most Cherished Possession was, this is what they said. Pet Hate: Mike on Rich: Richards Pet Hate is definitely people taking the piss out of his accent.

Richard’s Answer: Southerners Rich on Mike: Mike’s pet hate is people with bad teeth. Bit odd but I think that’s it.

Mike’s Answer: Mess Favourite Song to sing in the shower: Mike on Rich: Angels by Robbie Williams or Puppy Love

Richard’s Answer: I’m imagining he said some soppy love songs however, I’d say angels by Robbie Willams, cracking football social song. Rich on Mike: Mike likes to think he’s more street than he is. I don’t even know the names of the artists they’re so street. There’s a lot of Eminem.

Mike’s Answer: Grillz by Nelly. Most Cherished Possession: Mike on Rich: Tatiana

Richard’s Answer: My Huddersfield town shirt Rich on Mike: Emily

Mike’s Answer: My Football boots 30

LIST

Lonely Hearts ooo As the academic year draws to a close, we thought we thought weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d take the opportunity to publicise some sexy singles still on the look for love

Elegant man seeking Catholic female with child-bearing hips.

St John Featherby Single Irish female with a great sense of humour, seeking man with dental insurance. Dogs not accepted.

Jane Markey Seeking someone named Alex.

Hiwot Ameneshoa Funny guy, seeking entertaining female. Must be below 5ft.

Mike Bedigan Just looking for someone to cuddle.

David Knowles

LIST

Would You Rather? Joel Holford takes this classic game to a new level, using real life experiences of Castlemen as the categories from which to decide between Would you rather? Typically this game is based in fantasy, in which you must decide between two absolutely dire, yet fortunately only hypothetical situations. However, in this version, every option has been taken from the lives and mares of individuals in Castle. Tragically, some people in our college have first hand knowledge of both options, and know that neither of them are ideal. Would you rather: Throw your phone, keys, wallet and ID in the river during Freshers week OR Get into a fight on a night out after your A-Levels and subsequently lose your full scholarship to Harvard Would you rather: Convince everyone on the open day that your name is Rupert, when it is not OR Have videos and pictures of yourself playing a banjo naked Would you rather: Risk losing both the friendship of your housemates and the security deposit by bringing a Dalmatian to university OR Have to miss a UCNC trip to Prague because you only realised the day before that your passport has expired 32

Would you rather: Oversleep and miss an exam worth 75% of your best module OR Have people know you better by the irrelevant and arbitrarily decided nickname ‘Digby’ Would you rather: Be obscenely ginger OR Drink urine from a pitcher in Lloyds Would you rather: Faceplant while riding a scooter and chip your two front teeth OR Be considered a stalker by Durham’s fittest fresher Would you rather: Wake up at a locals house in Chester-le-Street and have to be driven home by his parents OR Chuck your third year ‘snuggle buddy’ out of your room, only to have him get stuck in Moatside courtyard and have to vault the gate Would you rather: Take five minutes to down a pint OR Regularly dress up as an obese woman Would you rather: Get with Olly Brown OR Nyall Sharp

*Disclaimer: If the events featured in this article make you want to curb your alcohol intake, see welfare. 33

DEAR LADIES

AND

GENTLEMEN

CASTLE,

The year is finally ending and this has inevitably meant that end of term antics are well under way at Castle. I have to admit that you have managed to impress me this term: exams do not seem to have stopped you and I have been inundated with your sordid secrets to keep me amused through the revision period. It is for this reason that it seems appropriate to give out my own alternative college colours to those who are very deserving, but who may have missed out on their opportunity to shine at Senior Man Formal. Naughty. However, it is with a hint of sadness that I write this last column – the year is coming to a close. You may not know who I am, college brothers and sisters, but the time has come for me to pass my gossip crown to someone new. Here at Gossip HQ, we are keeping our eyes open for a new gossip queen to take on the challenge. I advise you then, Castlemen, to keep your wits about you in case you find that you have been bestowed with the honour. Looking back on the year we have spent together, I feel proud to say that you have been just as scandalous as I have expected you to be. I implore you to keep remembering the college motto, ‘non nobis solum’, in your actions; your frolics are not for yourself alone, but are to be shared and loved throughout all of college history.

You know you love me, XOXO

I would like to award consolatory college colours to one infamous 3rd year for single-handedly Ja-redefining the status of finalist sharks everywhere. Goldrush has led him to score a total of five castle freshers, with exactly zero conversions. Damn(bridge). This game young fresher is awarded college colours for being ready and Willing-ams to throw caution to the wind. She was seen 'aggressively' pulling another fresh-faced shark among the Hodgepodge of Klute, who immediately won an impressive ÂŁ5. The rugby tour resulted in a Kraking night out for one second year, who wins college colours for Castle's greatest ever game of hide and seek- he was discovered asleep on a bench in his boxers and was promptly Fostered by the police (but NOT ARRESTED okay?). I award college colours to this second year, for making sure she made her Markey on the Castle before her year abroad. Proudly riding her Nebulus Alpha around the tricky circular route of the courtyard, she gallantly bit the dust before suffering a significant dent(al) to her pride. This keen young netballer was certainly anxious to contribute to her expanding Czech List, and for that reason, I'm awarding her the coverted college colours. It was 'the best night of her life', other than the strip club. That girl know's Hiwhat she's doing. Colours to a gentleman who has twice had the privilege of a wonderful Castle View from his very own home. After a vigorous stroll along the Bailey, it became clear he was targeting the Holeford, though I suspect his insistence on a post-match 'critique' was less of ANN A-phrodisiac.

THE BACK PAGE Tom Hill on Ellis Bland: “I’ve always thought he looked like a pirate, but in a good way.”

Blackjack enjoying Castle Day ——>

This issue was brought to you by: Kirsten Ash, Mike Bedigan, Ellis Bland, Liberty Brown, Livia Carron, Kenneth Chan, Jess Christy, Tom DiMaio, Becca Doggwiler, Celia Durkan, St John Featherby, Gossip Girl, Joel Holford, Katherine Hurst (Cover Design) David Knowles, Jane Markey, Lauren McCollum, Krassi Petrova, Amy Rolf, Sarah Westlake and Sophia White 36

Keep true to the dreams of your youth ~ Friedrich Von Schiller