Funnies Extra Midcoast Maine - February 2013 by Christopher Quimby

MIDCOAST EDITION

FREE

FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | VOL 12 - FEBRUARY 2013

Professional Repair iPhone | iPod | iPad Over 25 years of hands-on, problem-solving experience focusing on practical solutions for the frustration that technology can bring.

Repair/Troubleshooting Virus/Spyware Removal Software Installation Hardware Installation Wireless/Wired Networking Training/Tutoring System Upgrades/Updates Data Backup Data Recovery Remote Support

More experience. Less expensive.

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207.217.2534

| chris@cdcomputerroom.com

Midcoast Maineâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Monthly Funnies Newspaper! Your Local Source for Comics, Puzzles, Word Games, and Humor Columns! To Advertise, email heather@nachotree.com or call 557-3261

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BIZ

by DAVE BLAZEK OFF THE MARK

by MARK PARISI

CAPTION CONTEST

Congratulations to last issue’s winner, Gregory W. Peet, 56, of Thomaston, who submitted the following caption to last issue’s contest: “As your Realtor, I recommend that your offer is contingent on a satisfactory home inspection.” Send your best caption to this week’s contest to: chris@nachotree.com and type “Caption Contest” in the subject line. The winning captions will be published in the next issue with the winner’s name, age and city with permission. Void where prohibited.

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Full Service Towing and Auto Repair

Come and invite your friends for clean and funny comedy and music that will entertain teenagers and adults of all ages. Although young children are not prohibited, this would be a great opportunity for you to find a sitter for the evening, since children can often compete with the entertainer for the audience's attention. There are no ticket fees for the Spokes and Jokes Tour. Chris is relying upon your generosity to donate whatever you feel is fair to help him on his journey.

Your local source for

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2141 Broadway Bangor, Maine

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Saturday, February 16, 2013 7:00-8:00pm

Call 338-5001 79 Waterville Rd, Belfast

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2 | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | VOL 12 - FEBRUARY 2013

by MASTROIANNI AND HART

Country Styles FAMILY HAIR CARE 161 Lang Hill Highway, Brooks

207.722.3551

TUNDRA

by CHAD CARPENTER

FACT OR FICTION?

*Did you know that the first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and used a tomato can for a carburetor? *Typically, in advertisements for watches, the time displayed is 10:10 because the hands frame the brand of the watch and make the face look like it’s smiling. by SCOTT NICKEL

HOOSIERVILLE

by MARK BRAYER

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EEK!

print & digital design Chris & Heather Quimby chris@nachotree.com | heather@nachotree.com www.funnies-extra-maine.com 91 Lang Hill Highway, Brooks, Maine 04921 (Chris) 207.557.3251 (Heather) 207.557.3261 Office Hours: Monday - Friday, 9-5 Eastern Time Deadlines: Thurs during prior week of Wed circulation

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The views and opinions expressed in this publication are not necessarily those of the publisher, advertisers or employees of NachoTree Print & Digital Design. NachoTree Print & Digital Design is not responsible for any advertising errors beyond the first printing of any Display Ad. Additional contributor information can be found on the website URL’s above. Contents of this publication may not be reproduced or copied without permission from Funnies Extra, LLC. © 2012 Funnies Extra!, LLC. All rights reserved. Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

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by TIM THOMSON

HARA KIWI

IMAGINE THAT

A warm and inviting space that combines the feel of a small family dental practice with an incomparable staff and state-of-the-art dental technology.

ANSWERS AT: www.funnies-extra.com/puzzles.php

Answers from last issue’s Sudoku

General, Implant and Sedation Denistry | 14 Maine Street , Brunswick | 207-729-1159

4 | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | VOL 12 - FEBRUARY 2013

by TOM GAMMILL

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THE DOOZIES

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print & digital design FACT OR FICTION? brooks, maine 207.557.3251 | nachotree.com

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FUNNY PAPER

*Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart. *When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red. *On average, soccer players run about 7 miles in a game.

by RON THERIEN

AGAINST THE GRAIN

Visit funnies-extra-maine.com Click the ‘Read Online’ link.

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SQUID ROW

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JUDY BROSSMER judybrossmer@tcreal.com 207.338.3500 x121 (office) ( ffi ) 207.322.3392 (mobile) ( b 207.338.0192 (fax) 800.860.0528 (toll free)

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s Extra! are consumed Thousands of copies of Funnie ps, restaurants, auto sho monthly in hotels, diners, coffee ans’ offices, dental sici repair shops, hospitals, phy nies Extra! appeals to Fun in tent con practices, etc. The antage of this unique and consumers of all ages. Take adv communities and beyond r fun way to reach citizens in you ss and enjoy excellent ine bus r with the message of you s for up-front payment! repeat discounts and great saving

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WIZARD OF ID

by PARKER & MASTROIANNI & HART

When Racoon Open Mouth, Insert Foot Jim Lein

HOLY MOLÉ

by RICK HOTTON Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

DOGS OF C-KENNEL

by MICK & MASON MASTROIANNI

HALF BAKED

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8 | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | VOL 12 - FEBRUARY 2013

by RICK ELLIS

I’m an online news junkie. My hunger for hard news invariably leads to getting distracted by sensational headlines in the sidebars that every news site has. Last week I couldn’t resist clicking on the headline, “Raccoons Attack Washington State Woman”. This woman was jogging next to a park in a residential neighborhood when her dog started chasing a momma raccoon and her babies. A gang of five adult raccoons came rushing out of the bushes and attacked the woman with a vengeance, knocking her to the ground and mauling her. With the help of her dog, she managed to get away but not after sustaining over 100 wounds, 18 of which were punctures. Here’s my favorite part: a neighbor witnessed the attack and came to her aid by “yelling for help”. Seems to me that would be pretty ineffective but I guess it’s better than a neighbor coming to her aid with a scatter gun. Stories like this constantly remind me that—just when you start thinking you have things under control—there’s always one thing more to worry about. Attacks on humans by bears or mountain lions or even elk are rare but not unheard of. Most of the time it’s because the human is doing something stupid like eating Taco Bell in their tent or trying to feed Skittles to a bull elk during the fall rutting season. But a documented case of raccoons attacking humans has got me asking a lot of questions. Now and then, when someone forgets to put the lids on the trash cans, I’m awakened to the sounds of our resident family of raccoons quarrelling over some juicy morsel of garbage. They’re right below my bedroom window so I usually grab a hiking boot and whip it right between the glowing eyes of the fattest perpetrator. Well, this latest news flash has got me thinking I’d better watch my step. On Wikipedia.org I read that the largest wild raccoon ever recorded weighed 63 pounds! A few more rotten doughnuts and a raccoon that big could compete for a spot on the Olympic boxing team in the Light Flyweight

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division. Maybe one of these days they’ll figure out how to throw that boot right back at me. Worse yet, maybe they’ll set up an ambush when I venture out in the dark to get more firewood or retrieve my phone from the Jeep. That fat one—my favorite target for the boot—might scurry out from under the picnic table and trip me just right so that I fall headfirst into an open trash can. Then his buddies will slap the lid on and fasten it shut with bungee cords. They’ll gather round, beat the can with slabs of firewood and then roll me down the driveway at the end of which I’ll smash into the “Welcome to the Leins” sign post. Which other seemingly harmless critters of the forest are plotting our demise? Magpies will congregate outside the house and screech incessantly at my cats because they are sitting in the window. The cats are staring at the magpies wondering why they’ve gathered and what all the screeching is about—it’s a vicious circle. I’ll admit, I occasionally plunk a magpie or two with a pellet gun just to shut them up. Yesterday, I saw the same magpies run off a fox that was taunting my dogs just outside the perimeter of their invisible fence. Did Hitchcock foretell the future when he filmed The Birds? I’m nervous now when I walk up the driveway to get the mail. Do those magpies remember that I used soft rubber pellets? Come to think of it, there’s a reason someone coined the expression, ‘sly as a fox’. If he’s smart enough to determine where the perimeter of the fence is how long until he figures out that the locks on one the living room windows don’t work. Next time I go fly fishing I’ll be wondering if rainbow trout can grow teeth like a piranha. Are bunny rabbits herbivores or omnivores? Can garter snakes climb steps? My daughter just came to me and told me there’s a squirrel or something skittering in the ceiling above the master bathroom. Those critters can cause a lot of damage. The only access is a trap door in the hallway. I have to set up the ladder, push the door open, and stick my head up into the attic to see what’s going on. Pray for me.

THE OTHER COAST

by ADRIAN RAESIDE

RALF THE DESTROYER

by SCOTT LINCOLN

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acoons Attack

SUNSHINE STATE

by GRAHAM NOLAN Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

PICKLES

by BRIAN CRANE

Jim Lein writes about adventure, life, music, and parenthood for lifestyle magazines including Colorado Serenity and Mountain Gazette. His home in the Colorado Rockies serves both as an office and as a base camp for a variety of outdoor and musical activities. On the side, he makes his living writing about how companies employ software to improve business performance. He has been published in numerous trade journals and business magazines.

VOL 12 - FEBRUARY 2013 | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | 9

A Message from the Publisher Guy Chris Quimby is a husband, father, and publisher of Funnies Extra in Maine. A graphic designer and standup comedian, Chris has over ten years experience in the print industry. Chris and his wife, Heather, are excited to offer Funnies Extra to Maine, offering a fun and attractive departure from the norm. Chris can be reached at chris@chrisQuimby.com or facebook.com/ChrisQuimby

The Ladies of Lang Hill by Chris Quimby If you stay married long enough and make it your goal, you can learn helpful information about your spouse. This information can come in very handy in cultivating a healthy relationship. Mine is such a goal. Simply put, the tax advantages of marriage are not attractive enough to share space with someone whose company I do not enjoy. I want to do it right. One important thing that has taken me over a decade to learn about my wife is that she likes things cute and girlie. Please understand that she is not one of those middle-aged women in a state of arrested development, a celebrityworshipping Britney Spears wannabe, stuffed a w k wardly inside a pink jumpsuit and high heels with a provocative message printed upon the rear of her pants. Now, my wife enjoys classic femininity. She enjoys Jane Austen, proper etiquette and ethnic fare. Although she’s been known to put the hurt on a bag of Mrs. Dunster’s donuts, she’s actually deeply driven by more respectable desires. For example, when I make her oatmeal, I’ve learned she appreciates it a lot more when I place it in a special, pretty bowl which is set upon an attractive dish before applying a dusting of cinnamon that covers both the meal and also decorates the plate.

Last month, she planned a party called The Ladies of Lang Hill at our home in Brooks. Each of three ladies were invited to bring a female guest to the event. The party was not for sales solicitation, so there were no appeals for purchasing food storage containers, makeup or scrapbooking supplies. The only request was to be very dressed up and ready to eat. My son and I had the honors of serving as butlers. I was Geoffrey and my son was Alfred. Our names were not derivative of classic literature, however, as we were instead inspired by The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Batman, respectively. Sorry, Jane Austen. I wanted this to be a very special evening for my wife, so I explained to my son that there was to be no joking around and that we would, even under the most uncomfortable of circumstances, hold in any flatulence. Mission accom-

On no shortage of occasions, as Heather was preparing for this event, I walked by explaining how excited I was for her and how beautiful everything looked. She suggested that perhaps sometime I could arrange a similar event for my male friends. I tried to picture what that would look like. You see, I am the girliest of all of my closest male friends, but that is not to suggest that I am a girl. Many of my guy friends shoot animals with guns and know what a crank shaft is. Some of them are able, when they have no tissue, to actually blow their nose by holding one side of their head and shooting the contents directly only the ground. I think a dinner party with all of the frills would be lost on them. Generally speaking, even at my most effeminate, I am quite comfortable eating from paper plates and disposable plastic food containers. I

think many men are like this. plished. When the fourcourse meal, poetry reading and violin and flute duets were over, all agreed that the night was a success. Neither Alfred nor myself spilled any hot coffee on the ladies and I maintained professionalism, even after being tempted by an attractive, young woman to join her in rapping the lyrics to the Fresh Prince theme song.

I do enjoy going out to eat on occasion and having romantic ambience and food not served in Tupperware, but during those times, I am usually with my wife. Part of what makes that environment more special is who I’m sharing it with and what it means to her. She does not need to know that, if left to my own desires, I might eat a pepperoni pizza on on the toilet while reading a comic book. Of course, I am exaggerating. I have more class than that, but mostly because of her influence on me. She’s made me aware of things I never would’ve considered on my own. Just recently, she told me that one of the biggest selling points for her satisfaction level of a restaurant is whether its bathroom is warm or cold. She then spouted off a short list of local restaurants with the warmest, cleanest restrooms. Although I’m learning, there’s much I still do not know. I endeavor to maintain my studies, though, in hopes of peppering her life with small blessings simply by making the extra effort. And even if I fail at creating a world worthy of Jane Austen, I can always depend on the reliability of Mrs. Dunster.

I actually used to work with a man who would bring spaghetti for his lunch and eat it from a baggie. Not even the Ziplock kind.

What do you think of Funnies Extra? Please email us with praise, criticisms and suggestions. Entries that include name, age and town of residence may be published in a future edition.

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Email cards to chris@nachotree.com or send through the US Postal Service to NachoTree Design, 91 Lang Hill Highway, Brooks, Maine 04921. Please enclose check for the first month of advertising made out to NachoTree Design with submission unless you wish to be billed. Call 207.557.3251 with questions.

FACT OR FICTION? *When an average person stops smoking, they require one hour less sleep a night. *The ‘v’ in the name of a court case does not stand for ‘versus’, but for ‘and’ (in civil proceedings) or ‘against’ (in criminal proceedings). by DANIEL BORIS Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

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VOL 12 - FEBRUARY 2013 | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | 11

CRIME-QUIZ

by WERNER WEJP-OLSEN

THIN LINES

NO FUNNIES EXTRA IN YOUR NECK OF THE WOODS?

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LAST MONTH’S ANSWERS

Consider a supplemental heater for that cold room!

thompsonsoil.com 207.342.4040 1376 Waterville Road, Waldo, Maine

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VOL 12 - FEBRUARY 2013 | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | 13

Funnies Extra! will feature at least four straight issues of comic strips and panels from aspiring, non-syndicated cartoonists. Comic strips or cartoon panels may be published from cartoonists of any age, with a short bio. For submission guidelines and information, go to: www.funnies-extra.com/submissions. Send each furnished strip as a PDF file along with your name, age, address and phone number. Send 5 to 10 color submissions to: submissions@funnies-extra.com and type “Spotlight” in the subject line. Good luck and have fun! (participation void where prohibited) HOLLYWEIRD

Right of Way ServiceS LLC Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

Quimby Appraisal

by MARK SIMON

Ray Quimby Certified General Appraiser Certified Maine Assessor

21 Quimby Road Brooks, ME 04921 rowray@fairpoint.net 207.722.3247 (phone, fax) 207.557.3201 (cell)

MARK SIMON Producer/Director/Cartoonist Mark Simon is 25-year film & TV veteran amassing over 3,000 production credits including animation producer on Larry the Cable Guy’s latest movie, Tooth Fairy 2. His storyboard and animation companies, www.Storyboards-East.com, have included clients such as Disney, Universal, Viacom, Sony, HBO, Nickelodeon, FOX, Steven Spielberg, USA Networks, ABC Television and many others. His experience selling original TV series lead to his founding www. SellYourTvConceptNow.com to mentor other creators. He is also the author of ten popular industry texts, and lectures around the world at major conferences, entertainment trade schools and universities.

POCKET LINT

by CHUCK DOWNS

CHUCK DOWNS Cartoonist Haikus amuse me But sometimes can confuse me Refrigerator I always find random things in my pockets at the end of the day: paper clips, gum wrappers, dry cleaning receipts and the ever-present lint. These drawings are what’s left in my head when the day is done: the random “pocket lint” of my brain.

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14 | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | VOL 12 - FEBRUARY 2013

Chuck Downs is a carbon-based form of cartoonist who lives in Florida with his wife and two children. By day, he is vice president of marketing for a company that clearly does not conduct very thorough background checks. By night, he fights crime. Now that he is older, his experience only walks the gamut for fear of pulling a hamstring. He often “misuses” quotation marks, and likes to frequently split his infinitives.

The Weekly Crossword 1

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ACROSS 1 Concert souvenir 5 Kind of scout 9 Pac-Man enemy 14 Building toy 15 Square footage 16 Main blood line 17 Assigned portion 19 Sound reasoning 20 Ms. Danner of film 21 Like some signs 23 Not as much 25 Sargasso, for one 26 Take-home pay 27 Deteriorated 30 Winery event 33 Keyed up 34 Historical period 35 Critter catchers 39 Garden pest 40 Steamboat site 43 Mixed dish 44 Middle Brady boy 46 Part of IOU 47 Computer operator 48 The "R" in AARP 51 Amount to win by 52 Ho-hum routine 55 Knotts or Rickles 56 Large cross 58 Collectible paper items 61 HP product 65 Obey, with "by" 66 Emphasize writing 68 Kicking dance 69 Blow away 70 Feed the kitty 71 Twitter posting 72 Heloise offering

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22 25

19 21

by Margie E. Burke

Free Personal Checking Accounts

73 Bar-sign gas

28 29 DOWN 31 1 Big piece 32 2 Spill the beans 36 3 Like a fabled 37 38 duckling 4 Prohibition figure 41 5 Casino regular 6 Hot temper 42 7 Monthly expense 45 8 Most recent 49 9 Like a good 50 52 knight 10 Knee-slapper 53 11 Choir 54 accompaniment 12 Stadium 57 59 entrance 13 Be silent, in 60 62 music 18 Beat-heat link 63 22 Ring of blooms 64 24 Delhi dress 67 27 WWII female flier

also...

Give the eye Crushing victory Make last, maybe Blueprint Part of a.k.a. Bakery items Like some losers Decorative pitcher Fragrant Beef or lamb Head's opposite Arrival en masse Flinch, perhaps Violin stroke "To ____ own self be true..." Rower's need Outer limit Social starter Fork prong Mindful of Hammer part ___ and Bradstreet

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www.kswfcu.org 135 WALDO AVENUE, BELFAST, ME 04915 | (207)338-5160 FAX: (207)338-6129 222 COLLEGE AVENUE, WATERVILLE, ME 04901 | (207)872-5602 FAX: (207)872-5776

SPECTICKLES

by BILL ABBOTT THE DEEP END

by TYSON COLE

Answers last Week's month’s crossword Answer to to Last Crossword B E T A

O V A L

P H A S E

R U R A L

S W A M

P O L O

D E L L

E S E N O V C M E A M E R M A D O P M A N M M Y O E N A T G O R I A S T I C E A V E A W E A U L D B L T E R O D Y E

E E R I E

P R E C A R P I O O T U S S T H O A O N D D

P O I A N R T I S A C A L L E L A E R R G Y

A S H A W N E R N U R E B O A H I B L E G L E N H E A T E V E E P E R X C O C K I R O N S A N E E L S E

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VOL 12 - FEBRUARY 2013 | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | 15

SPEED BUMP

Make your ads stand out and get read even more by having them drawn as cartoons!

by DAVE COVERLY

CHUCKLE BROS by BRIAN & RON BOYCHUCK

Local illustrator and Tastes Like Chicken creator, Josh Alves, will recreate your ad for a one-time, flat fee. This offer is available to any Funnies Extra advertisers with 8 issue agreements.

AFTER Chris Quimby | 207.557.3251 | chris@nachotree.com

KARMA CAFE

by RICHARD CROSS and BILL ABBOTT

16 | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | VOL 12 - FEBRUARY 2013

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