Hayden Williams

HAYDEN WILLIAMS

Throughout my early teens, my own gender was a blurred and confusing concept. I found it difficult to sit with anything on the spectrum for a while. So, to try and make it easier for the people around me and myself, I identified as gender fluid for a short time. This took the weight off being confused and stressed about my own self-identity, but after half a year things still didn’t sit right. I remember seeing trans men, reading their stories online about when they first realised they were trans, and I realised that I was feeling almost exactly the same as they were. Some came out slowly, making the gradual shift to the ‘other end’ of the spectrum, and I thought to myself that, if I shifted more towards identifying as a man, that it would ease the dysphoria and discomfort that I was feeling. Over time, I realised that it was the right thing to do. Something clicked in my mind and body and suddenly it felt like that jigsaw piece just slotted into the right place.

Danielle Goodland

For me, it was puberty and all the bits that came with living in a biologically female body which made me realise that I didn’t feel right being a woman. I was an early developer and I remember being praised for it, cheered on, whilst I absolutely despised it. I wasn’t excited to go through all these changes. I felt all this discomfort so early, for so long, and it messed my head up, more than a cisgender woman would as they learned to embrace it. To be honest, years before I could even understand questioning my own gender identity, and although I didn’t know what I was, I felt uncomfortable being called a ‘woman’, ‘girl’, or ‘young lady’, and now I know why.

I think society’s portrayal of a stereotypical man is gruff and hyper-masculine. Being trans and coming out from such an early age, I was influenced by that quite a bit. I remember when I first came out, I became hyper-masculine. I got into some unhealthy ideas about men and how they’re expected to act in society. I adopted masculine traits like ‘manspreading’; sitting down with your legs wide open, just trying to prove a point. For trans people, I think gender ideals are hard to get your head around because it’s such a big part of your identity. I wanted to be seen as a man, and to be seen as a man you have to adapt to these standards. I think it has affected me from a young age, and I think that’s why representation is important. I’m seeing a lot more things nowadays that say it’s okay for men to cry, as well as raised awareness for male suicide rates. I think it’s all very important because it shows that men can be emotional too.

it felt like that jigsaw piece just slotted into the right place

I think there are emotional challenges men face; not being able to express things properly, not being able to cry in certain situations, people telling you to “man up, grab your balls and move on”. Growing up as a trans guy meant that I felt I needed to suppress my emotions. I’m one of the most emotional people you could possibly meet, if there’s a sad advert on TV I’ll burst into tears, or if someone says something a bit sad, I’ll start sobbing uncontrollably. I think having to suppress that healthy emotional side, especially when you’re a teenager, is really very bad. For trans men, I think it’s hard because there’s this expectation to prove to people that you’re enough of a man, which is bullsh*t. I think people are becoming more open-minded, though, and beating the stigma.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that I’ve come to terms with myself, but I have found where I sit on the gender spectrum and I’m happy. I have felt this for over five years and will continue to feel it for as long as I live. I want to be seen as a man and being called anything else makes me extremely uncomfortable. I’m comfortable being called a trans man when being addressed in reference to trans people, but I shouldn’t be seen as just transgender. Yes, it’s a big part of my identity, I’m transitioning as I wasn’t assigned male at birth, but being trans isn’t everything about me. I am a man regardless of body parts or my background and that’s it.

I think, to a certain extent, toxic masculinity and societal expectations of masculinity are things I feel able to talk about. Men tend to open up around me a bit more because they either see me as someone on the same level as them, or as someone who’s a bit more open. Some men just need to be around an empathetic person. Lots of people need that push because it’s not seen as manly to be emotional. I think if expectations go down a bit, men will feel more able to share, they won’t feel the need to appear so macho and tell one another to ‘man up’.

Danielle Goodland

My own personal safety is a big worry, as sadly there are still transphobic people in life. Every single day I worry what kind of people I’ll come into contact with and how they’ll act around me, simply because they could find out I’m trans, as I feel that I still don’t pass for a man straight off. Passing is a massive issue in the trans community, and it’s become an obsessive worry, as we don’t want people to know we’re trans because, more often than not, people knowing can be dangerous.

The borders of masculinity are becoming more blurred today, as there are more role models, influencers and open-minded people in the world, and thank f*ck for that. The era of toxic masculinity needs to end. The important lesson to take away is your masculinity is defined by you, and you alone. If there’s something you connect and vibe with, take it and own it. You are your own person and you define yourself. Don’t force yourself into a box that other people have created for you.