C. Ash Baxter

C. ASH BAXTER

Masculinity is strength, knowing yourself, responsibility and care. It’s also an indescribable feeling in my shoulders, chest and hips. It’s also about being cool and smooth. Maybe, in a way, it’s also about enforcing a healthy amount of distance. To me at least. Although, if the distance is done in excess, it can be toxic, and that distance can cause unhealthy isolation, and with that, anxiety. So, finally, I guess masculinity is a see-saw of trivial fun and emotional weight to be wary of, I guess? But as a genderfluid person, one could say things are always in a see-saw state for me.

Danielle Goodland

I think I am masculine, my internal dialogue is often, if not mostly, masculine. In terms of gender expression, most would contest I am not masculine at all. I’m a curvaceous, long-haired, woman-passing person who doesn’t hesitate from donning makeup and long, form-fitting skirts. I also have a defence mechanism of getting very feminine when nervous which, much to my frustration, is often. Many argue these factors reduce my masculinity, and I guess it does cause confusion in some social contexts, but I don’t think any sort of material product should have any power over my masculinity, that just seems so fragile and stupid to me.

When I catch myself in the mirror, dressed up all pretty and femme, or just hanging out in my bedroom shirtless, I feel at my most masculine, because if I can still naturally think, ‘Hey there handsome fella’ whilst in those states, regardless of how other people would label me, surely that shows just how secure I am in my masculinity, no? I think a lot of people would like it if I were more ‘conventionally masculine’, so it would be easier to explain me to their friends, or just strangers in general. Many people, friends and not friends, have said this to my face, not realising how drenched in painful naivety that is. But, at the end of the day, you have to get over that knee-to-the-gut feeling it gives you and forgive them, because it’s just that; naivety.

I’ve been out as genderfluid for almost eight years now, but I think I am still dipping my toes into the idea of being more masculine in the open. Internalised transphobia is definitely a factor, of course. I’m also a criminology nerd, which has left me overly aware of the statistics of hate-killings against the trans community, which scares me sh*tless. Despite this, I know I am masculine, so I don’t see why I should rush myself for the comfort of others. Though to go back to the theme of the greater public, I don’t think cisgender people understand how much of an intense lesson in gender theory growing up trans is. You learn so much of the weight and gifts of each gender, you have to spend your whole life unpacking that and trying to decide which morals you are going to align yourself with. It’s constant mental gymnastics, and we all deserve more naps.

it’s just that; naivety.

I can only speak from my own experiences, but I have grown up seeing a lot of men and boys collapse under the pressure of masculinity, and subsequently become cruel because of it. I have also seen a lot of women fall victim to such men, which led me to receive a lot of cautionary tales from scorned women. These tales were usually a mix of scary, but good, advice on how to be safe whilst navigating the world as someone born female (i.e. don’t walk home at night alone and, if you do, have carry your keys between your fists like knives), but which also sometimes contained a lot of bitterness and emasculation (i.e. men only think with their dicks). So, from an early age, I had to mentally unpack masculinity and make conscious decisions as to which traits I had to be wary of.

Danielle Goodland

This all meant that when I finally came to the realisation of my gender, I felt no need to enforce my masculinity other than choosing a more masculine name and informing people I will be using him/his pronouns from now on. I was already so well versed in masculinity’s potential toxicity and its after effects that I made every effort to not be part of that group of “bad men”. Which is why I think I confuse people, because I think a lot of people equate masculinity with those who perform sudden unwanted machismo, and I simply don’t believe in that. I love being masculine, may it be for seven days or seven minutes. In a way, I think being genderfluid has given me so much agency that I would not have found had I been forced to pretend to be a cis person following the rules of the gender binary. If I lived in a world where this word wasn’t available for me, I’d be in such a rut. It’s given me a great third person perspective on how men and women act, yet I can still strongly empathise and participate in it whenever I feel like it, which has proved to be very useful. I think I definitely still fall into the trap of caring too much. I think, when you’re raised as a woman, you’re expected to take care of everyone and perform endless emotional labour at your own expense. However, my masculinity allows me to take a step away from that. Of course, my femininity also teaches me what masculinity couldn’t, like how to love my emotions. Life is too short to not exclaim in glee when something brings me joy, even if it’s ‘trivial’! Anyway, I am so grateful, I love my gender. Even if people don’t “get it” and can be painfully naive, it’s mine, I know I’m not making it up, and I love it.

I guess what I would add is a message to all transmasculine folk; don’t shudder from your feminine experience growing up. You can learn so much from what you’ve been told, especially the lessons you reject. And a message to all those who reject or refuse to see my masculinity; that’s your problem, not mine. I will be over here chilling and enjoying being me.