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Owning our story can. be hard, but not nearly as. difficult as spending our. lives running from it. – BRENE BROWN
The power of kindness We’re big fans of Hamilton at Happiful HQ, and there’s one particular line from the musical that’s been stuck in my head recently: “When my time is up, have I done enough?” We can hardly believe it, but as this is officially our second birthday issue, celebrating what we’ve achieved, along with reflecting on the difference we still want to make, seems appropriate! We’ve come a long way in two years and are so proud of the supportive community we’re a part of, and the amazing people we’ve featured. But we know there’s always more we could, and want, to do...
in five years time? How would empathy have changed the game? We want you to finish this issue feeling empowered, emboldened, and excited to spread the love – and see how the world changes for the better. From Joe Wicks changing children’s mindsets towards health and exercise, to England footballer Fran Kirby paving the way for girls and women to break into the beautiful game, and West End superstar Layton Williams stamping out stigma in style, sometimes just being true to ourselves can make the biggest difference of all.
We’re thinking about the impact we can all have in this world – saving the planet, the legacy we leave behind, and supporting others. You cannot underestimate the impact of a kind word or smile to a stranger. We’re all making a difference, even when we don’t know it.
As Gandalf the Grey, said in JRR Tolkien’s The Fellowship of the Ring: “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” Let’s make it count.
And it’s got us thinking: imagine the power we could have if we all actively tried to do more good. With one positive deed a day, where would our world be
Rebecca Thair Editor
Get in touch with us on social media, we love hearing from you! happiful.com
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In this issue EXPERT PANEL
OUR TEAM
Experts are at the heart of what we do, ensuring we can offer high quality advice that you can be confident in. This month, meet the team of people who have come together to deliver information, guidance and insight throughout this issue
EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Editorial Assistant Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Fe Robinson | Expert Advisor Amy-Jean Burns | Art Director
FE ROBINSON
GRAEME ORR
MUKCP (Reg) MBACP (Reg)
MBACP (Accred) BACP Reg Ind
Fe is a psychotherapist and clinical supervisor, and an EMDR therapist.
Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.
Charlotte Reynell | Graphic Designer Rosan Magar | Illustrator CONTRIBUTORS Gemma Calvert, Kat Nicholls, Bonnie Evie Gifford, Fiona Thomas, Lucy Donoughue, Lindsay George, Andy Barker, Beth Wood, Ellen Hoggard, Rhiannon Lambert, Simon Shlomo Kahn, Lauren Derrett, Dipti Solanki, Sara Steele, Lacey London
RACHEL COFFEY
SUSAN HART
BA MA NLP Mstr
MFHT MENT
Rachel is a life coach encouraging confidence and motivation.
Susan is a nutrition coach, food writer, and vegan chef.
RAV SEKHON
LINDSAY GEORGE
BA MA BACP (Accred)
MA Dip RGN MBACP (Accred)
Rav is a counsellor with more than 10 years' experience.
Lindsay is a counsellor, psychotherapist and registered nurse.
RHIANNON LAMBERT
DR CAROLYNE KEENAN
MANAGEMENT
Carolyne is a registered psychologist and counsellor.
Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Steve White | Finance Director
BSc MSc RNutr
Rhiannon is a nutritionist, author, and founder of leading Harley Street clinic Rhitrition.
COMMUNICATIONS Lucy Donoughue Head of Content and Communications lucy.donoughue@happiful.com Amie Sparrow PR Manager amie.sparrow@happiful.com
Happiful c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL
FURTHER INFO Happiful magazine is FSC® certified. Please help us preserve our planet by recycling this magazine. Why not pass on your copy to a friend afterwards? Alternatively, please place it in a recycling bin. Our two-for-one tree commitment is made of two parts. Firstly, we source all our paper from FSC® certified sources. The FSC® label guarantees that the trees harvested are replaced, or allowed to regenerate naturally. Secondly, we will ensure an additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a suitable donation to a forestry charity. Happiful is a brand of Memiah Limited. The opinions,
SPECIAL THANKS Fe Robinson, Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Rav Sekhon, Lindsay George, Susan Hart, Harry Cullen, George Painter, Nathan Fallon, Jennifer Bartram, Mark Bunko, Dr Carolyn Keenan, Antony Butcher
views and values expressed in Happiful are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values. Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only. We do not accept liability for products and/or services offered by third parties. Memiah Limited is a private company limited by shares and registered in England and Wales with company number 05489185 and VAT number GB 920805837. Our registered office address is Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL.
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FIND HELP Crisis support If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999, or go to A&E Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them on jo@samaritans.org
To find out more on other services visit happiful.com/ where-to-gethelp
General listening lines: SANEline SANEline offers support and information from 6pm–11pm: 0300 304 7000 Mind Mind offers advice Mon-Fri, 9am-6pm except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk CALM The Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is a line for men, and is open from 5pm–midnight: 0800 58 58 58 Switchboard Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–11pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt
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DOMESTIC ABUSE Run in partnership with Refuge and Women’s Aid, the National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline is there for support for those who think they might be experiencing domestic abuse. Call them free on 0808 2000 247
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PSYCHOSIS SUPPORT If you know someone who has psychosis and you would like to know more information about how to offer your support and care, visit rethink.org
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HOMELESS SUPPORT If you suspect someone is living on the streets, head to streetlink.org.uk and raise the alert. They will then pass this to the relevant local authority to help.
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ALCOHOL ABUSE If you think you or someone you know may have an alcohol problem, there is a free helpline available for support and guidance provided by Alcoholics Anonymous on 0800 9177 650
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NUTRITIONAL GUIDANCE Whether it’s finding out about the gut-brain connection, or healthy and quick lunch ideas, Nutritionist Resource has a wealth of information, with opportunities to connect to professional dietitians, visit nutritionist-resource.org.uk
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The Uplift 8 In the news 13 The wellbeing wrap 14 What is gaslighting?
Spot the signs of the form of emotional manipulation that feeds off self-doubt
78 Dementia Revolution
The powerful campaign that's running for one year to raise money for vital research
Features 16 Joe Wicks
The fitness coach and author opens up about fatherhood, finding balance, and how addiction shaped his childhood
26 Easy environment-savers Take sustainability into your own hands with these simple eco-conscious swaps
30 Emily Dean
The broadcaster chats bereavement and the life-enhancing power of dogs
43 The reality of psychosis
What does it mean to experience psychosis, and what can we do to dispel the stigma surrounding it?
78 Life Stories
Culture
37 Sharing my story
35 Things to do in April
Simon was constantly pushing himself on to new highs, before the pressure caught up with him. By reaching out to his online community, he found positivity
57 Finally free
'Wine o'clock' was a staple in Lauren's routine until it threatened to take over her life. Now, 13 years later, she's found the strength to take back control
52 Happiful reads
Read the book that celebrates 40 of the world's most inspirational women
90 Quickfire: MH matters
73 Facing the truth
Dipti's first panic attack was terrifying. But after examining the cause, she was able to address her unresolved grief
66
87 Gaining perspective
Serious health problems uprooted Sara's life. But the experience also brought valuable lessons about the things that matter most to her
83
Lifestyle and Relationships
READER OFFER Print
46 Make a house a home
Meet the couple re-vamping the homes of those who have fallen on hard times
66 Layton Williams
The West End star on rising above bullying and breaking boundaries ENTER CODE:
HAPPISPRING
71Stress-reducing reads
AT THE CHECKOUT
Recognise triggers and take back control
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83 England's Fran Kirby
The professional football player on what drives her, and inspiring the next generation of girls
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62 Plate-up for the planet
With agriculture accounting for 30% of worldwide greenhouse gases, change starts with what we put on our plates
40 The benefits of 'birding' 54 Stop negative thoughts 76 Set boundaries online
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In the US, dogs have been used for more than 20 years to provide support for victims of serious crime, and witnesses who are considered vulnerable
ANIMALS
Dog therapy for victims of crime
The Uplift 8 • happiful • March 2019
For the first time in Britain, emotional support dogs will be used to help victims of crime remain calm while giving evidence to police. Two-year-old Oliver, a labrador-retriever mix, will be used by Kent Police as part of a study into the the effect animals can have on witnesses during investigations and trials. Victims of crime will be allowed to stroke Oliver to help them remain calm through these situations. Led by Canterbury Christ Church University, this new project has taken inspiration from practices in the US and Canada, which now have around 200 emotional support dogs that help children, victims of sexual assault, and witnesses with mental illnesses. In the US, dogs have been used for more than 20 years to provide support to victims of serious crime, and witnesses who are considered vulnerable. While there has yet to be any empirical evidence of their benefits, individual cases have seen up to a 50% reduction in interview length when a support dog is present. Set to continue throughout 2019, researchers hope to conduct further studies with Oliver over the next seven years, to benefit victims of crime. Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
HEALTH
EDUCATION
Reclaiming social media for good Viral campaign to bring positivity back to our social posts reaches 21 million people Spearheaded by innovative tech company Lightful, a campaign to ‘reclaim social media for good’ has gone viral. Using the hashtag #ReclaimSocial, large and small charities from the US and UK have joined forces to share uplifting and inspiring stories on social media, sharing more than 6,500 posts and reaching 21 million people. The WWF (World Wide Fund for Nature) shared stories surrounding nature and wildlife, Samaritans highlighted the benefits of a supportive community, and Pancreatic Cancer UK raised awareness and found new supporters through their posts. Celebrities and influencers have also joined in, including actor Rob Delaney, who shared stories about child bereavement, and footballer
and social activist Neville Southall, who focused on ways we can achieve faster treatment of pancreatic cancer. The premise behind #ReclaimSocial is to counteract the negativity that can be prevalent on social media, and instead remind us of its positive impact and potential. Vinay Nair, CEO and co-founder of Lightful said: “It has been inspiring to see thousands of charities, social enterprises and everyday people engaging on #ReclaimSocial. It is an incredible feeling to have such positivity rolling through our social media feeds. It makes us realise that we can, and must, re-establish this as the norm.” So, next time you need a dose of online positivity, take a trip through the #ReclaimSocial hashtag. Writing | Kat Nicholls
School launches a dedicated wellness centre A school in North Yorkshire has opened the country’s first purposebuilt on-site wellness centre, dedicated to providing mental health support to students. In a move that puts old-school attitudes to mental health in detention, Harrogate Ladies’ College will use the space to offer targeted activities such as mindfulness training, meditation, yoga, massage and reflexology, stress management, and nutritional advice for all students. Following a year that marked the UK’s highest number of suicides among girls aged 15 to 19 since records began, Principal Sylvia Brett said that wellness centre is “about spreading the message that wellness is a good thing”. In addition to the wellness activities, the centre hosts speakers covering topics ranging from the importance of sleep, to LGBT+ issues, and also opens its doors to offer subsidised yoga and pilates classes to staff, and hosts NCT and support groups from the surrounding community. “I think at the heart of my philosophy of education is a focus on sharing and open-mindedness,” says Sylvia. “Because that’s what builds a nation. It’s the closed-mindedness that dampens things.” Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
Principal Sylvia Brett of Harrogate Ladies’ College, North Yorkshire April 2019 • happiful • 9
Toshi Walker found a change of diet helped manage her menopause symptoms, including hot flushes and mood swings
Me.No.Pause by Holland & Barrett
Cassandra Fellingham-Orr believes a positive mindset is key to a better menopause, often pushing herself to attend a boxing or running session even when feeling low
SOCIETY
Award-winning campaign breaks the silence around menopause Created by Pablo London, the awardwinning ‘Me.No.Pause’ campaign from Holland & Barrett aims to support women through menopause, and break the silence around the topic. Taking first place in the Transport for London’s (TfL) diversity campaign, Me.No.Pause will be shown on £500,000 of ad space across the TfL network. The competition challenged brands to rethink their approach to advertising, to better represent London’s diversity by including women from all backgrounds, shattering harmful gender stereotypes, and breaking taboo topics while they were at it. In an interview with Campaign, chief marketing officer for Holland & Barrett, Caroline Hipperson, said: “We hope this campaign will give all these amazing women the confidence to talk about what they are going through, and seek advice or tips on how to alleviate any symptoms if needed. We have invested in training for all our store colleagues, so we hope women experiencing the menopause come in and speak to us.” Runners-up, Mothercare, created a fantastic campaign that celebrated ‘Unseen mums’, by championing postbirth bodies. Advertisers expanding their subject matter, better representing society, and challenging taboo topics definitely deserves to be celebrated. We’re here for it! Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
Take 5
Time to sit down, rest those feet and engage that brain.Get lost in the moment with some brain-teasing fun, for wordsearch wizards and keen quizzers
Word Search
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Find the following words and phrases from this month's issue in the grid JOE WICKS
CHARITY PSYCHOSIS DOGS FRAN KIRBY
Wheels in motion
U D
Have a go at our word wheel and see how many words you can create! • Each word must contain the letter in the middle • All words must be at least four letters long • Find the nine-letter word for a bonus point 0–10 great job
11–20 superstar
How did you do? Search 'freeb ies' at shop.happifu l.com to find the an swers, and more! 30+ legend
The Going up
wellbeing wrap Cut the clock
Sea turtles have increased 98% since 1973
Bright IKEA Remotecontrolled boats to collect rubbish
Icons | shutterstock.com, Font Awesome: fontawesome.com
A period emoji is coming to keyboards in 2019
Hay fever alert! Stockpile tissues, the season has arrived early
Crocs bags No one needs a shoe for a purse
Going down
In a campaign to reduce stigma for veterans, Help For Heroes projected the average number of years it takes for them to seek mental health support on to iconic London buildings. They revealed the average delay is four years, and encouraged the public to share, donate and support the veterans so that, together, we can #cuttheclock.
Chemistry, a magic formula? The secret to love may still elude us, but a study has revealed that how similar we are had almost no effect on participants' happiness. The heart wants what it wants...
are reaping the benefits of their four-legged friends, walking an estimated 870 miles a year!
By taxing empty homes in developed cities, a new study suggests it has the solution to locals being priced out of the housing market. The idea is this tax would discourage second or holiday home investors, generating income for communities, and rebalancing the housing market. Well, we're sold!
Feeling awe-some
Recycle the cr*p out of it
Scientists in Australia have come up with an innovative way to recycle treated sewage – by creating bricks. During the waste treatment process, around 30% of the world's leftovers (called 'biosolids') are stockpiled or put in landfill sites, but this new discovery from down under could provide a sustainable solution. The biosolids can be used as fertiliser, and even building materials. It sure puts a new meaning to 'bricking it'.
Alpaca your bags, it's yoga time
Peace, serenity, and a field full of alpacas – the classic set-up for a yoga sanctuary. No? Well, it soon could be. A small farm in Devon's new retreat, which is a first for Britain, has created the unique alpaca yoga classes which the owners say are "great for mind, body and soul." Mindful meditation with the animals, or picnics with the alpacas, are also on offer – who could say no to that?
Orkney in Scotland has been named the best place to live in the UK! A survey from the Halifax looked at factors including personal wellbeing, education, and housing, to determine the areas with the best quality of life.
Home sweet home
Dog owners
That feeling when you gaze up at the stars and take in the vastness of space. Seeing new life come into the world. That moment when someone offers you to go ahead of them in a queue. That emotion when you feel a small part of the bigger picture in life, well, we call that awe, and scientists say it supports our health, happiness, and social engagement. A 2018 study discovered that those who experienced more awe in their day-to-day lives, were seen to be more humble. This in turn made people more keen to engage with others, and build stronger social connections. From small things come great possibilities.
Tickling your taste buds Who doesn't love a good home-cooked meal? It turns out our penchant for food made with love causes us to be drawn to restaurants that use more homely typefaces, as we believe their food is better for us! According to a study from Ohio State University, fonts that look more handwritten appeal to us, as the customer feels "like there is more heart, more effort, and more love in it". This trick won't work for fast food chains, but when it comes to the more health-conscious establishments, the font choice could be the secret ingredient for success.
What is
gaslighting? When a lie is repeated often enough, we start to accept it as the truth – even when it may conflict with the facts, or our own experiences... Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford Illustrating | Rosan Magar
H
as anyone ever denied saying or doing something mid-argument, that you 100% know happened? Perhaps they’ve refused to admit they are wrong, despite the facts contradicting them? If you’ve ever been in a situation like this, you may have experienced a form of gaslighting first-hand.
WHAT IS IT?
When someone tries to manipulate you into second-guessing things that you have seen, heard, or know to be true, this is considered to be ‘gaslighting’. In the broadest sense, the term gaslighting is used to explain when someone tries to convince others – individuals, a group, or a nation – that something that happened, or a commonly known fact, is wrong. A form of psychological manipulation, it most often happens between a single deceiver and target. Ranging from disagreements to refusing to listen to someone’s point of view, or being unable to accept they’re wrong, regardless of evidence, people from any background can experience gaslighting at any age. Gaslighters may be their partner, a family member, friend or colleague. While we all have
14 • happiful • April 2019
small disagreements from time to time, often stemming from pettiness or an unwillingness to be proven wrong, it’s when this stubbornness has a more malicious intent that it is most often considered to be gaslighting.
IS IT DANGEROUS?
Over time, extreme cases of gaslighting can have a huge impact. From making someone doubt their own memories of events, to causing them to question their sanity, it can impact someone’s self-esteem and confidence, cause them to doubt their decisions, ultimately pushing them to become more reliant on the person who is gaslighting them. Creating an unbalanced power dynamic where one person is subjected to micro-aggressions and non-factbased scrutiny, gaslighting can be a form of psychological abuse and control. Unlike many physical forms of abuse, where there may be signs that friends and family could pick up on, emotional abuse can be harder to recognise. For those experiencing gaslighting themselves, it can feel like the ground is always shifting beneath them. If they recognise they are being manipulated, they may still second-guess or blame
themselves for what is happening, further impacting their confidence and self-esteem.
SIGNS OF GASLIGHTING
There are a number of signs you can keep an eye out for if you are concerned someone may be gaslighting you, or someone you care about. These can include indicators such as blatant lying about small or big things, denial of saying or doing something you know to be true, or a clear disconnect between what they are saying and doing. Some gaslighters may use something important against the other person to undermine them, for example, if they have children, they may focus on making the other person doubt their ability to be a fit parent. People who gaslight aim to wear their target down over time, using snide comments and occasional lies. Gradually, these lies may increase. At first, the target may not even realise what is happening. Gaslighters will continue to dismiss what their target is saying or doing until they begin to question themselves, using the confusion and self-doubt to make them turn back to the gaslighter for the ‘correct’ information.
WHAT CAN I DO IF I THINK SOMEONE IS GASLIGHTING ME? Counsellor Rav Sekhon has some words of advice:
Remain defiant in the face of gaslighting. Trust your emotions and your own version of events WHAT CAN I DO?
If you think someone may be gaslighting you, it’s important to act. It can be easy to let things slide or dismiss them, but over time this behaviour could harm your wellbeing. Try to see the situation from the outside. It can be helpful to talk over your concerns with friends or family you trust to give an objective opinion. Discuss the situation with several people to get different perspectives. If in doubt, ask yourself: if this was
happening to someone I care about, would I be worried? If the answer is yes, it’s worth taking a closer look. It can be easy to dismiss gaslighting behaviours if it seems unintentional, but this doesn’t make these behaviours OK; it can still be a form of emotional abuse. Finding the right time, place, and way to talk with the person about your concerns can be a big first step. It may be tricky, but things can’t get better if they aren’t addressed. However, your safety must remain the priority. If you’re concerned that raising the issue could negatively impact you, then seek external help as soon as possible. Remain defiant in the face of gaslighting. Trust your emotions and your own version of events. We all want to believe others have our best interests at heart, but that isn’t always the case. It’s important we put ourselves (and our wellbeing) first.
•S peak to someone you trust to reality check what the ‘gaslighter’ may be saying or doing. This will provide insight from a rational perspective. •D epending on what kind of relationship exists, talking about the issue with your partner may highlight what’s actually happening, before it gets worse. •R elationship counselling may be helpful to enable you both to work through the issue. It’s hoped that one of the above options will be effective. If not, it could be an indicator that the relationship may need to end. Seek external support from local services if family or friends are not available. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, and for those affected, the consequences can be severe if it's not addressed early on.
April 2019 • happiful • 15
LEAN ON ME
He’s sold three million books, transformed the lives of millions more, and is Britain’s number one health guru – all from showing us how to get fit and eat better in 15 minutes flat. Now, Joe Wicks is taking stock. Here, The Body Coach sits down with Happiful to talk new fatherhood, learning to believe in love, finding balance in a busy world and – for the very first time – how addiction shaped his childhood Interview | Gemma Calvert
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oe Wicks is at the far end of The Body Coach HQ in Richmond, Surrey, in a sofa booth, sipping water from a metallic flask, when he flings open the doors to his past. “I grew up in a dysfunctional household, but ain’t they all?” he says, matter of factly. “I grew up on a council estate, but I still had a roof over my head, we still had food, I went on school trips. I wasn’t completely deprived. I had a great childhood. The only thing was my dad was in and out – that was difficult. My dad was in and out of rehab, so he wasn’t always there.”
I have been warned that Joe, 34, won’t talk in detail about his personal life before we meet to discuss his latest book, Veggie Lean in 15 – his seventh since his wellness empire took off like the clappers in 2014, catapulting Joe from a grafting personal trainer to Britain’s number one fitness phenomenon, thanks to his reknowned Instagram videos, and three little words – lean in 15. In five years, he’s amassed 2.5 million Instagram followers, flogged three million books pushing his 15-minute recipes and workouts, secured a series on Channel 4, and even created his Continues >>>
18 • happiful • April 2019
“Not health, but it definitely made me never want to get involved with drugs,” confirms Joe. “It made me understand how damaging drugs can be to a family and someone you love, so I learned through his mistakes.” Joe and Gary are “really good friends”, and it was Gary who loaned Joe £1,000 to buy “kettle bells, boxing pads and stuff ” when he was setting up his personal training business. Joe has huge respect for his father, who separated from is mum, Raquela, when Joe was 16.
It made me understand how damaging drugs can be to a family... so I learned through his mistakes “I love him because of the journey he’s been on. I don’t look back and go ‘oh, the trauma’ and ‘I was abandoned’. “I don’t live with judgement or resentment, I don’t have time for it. My mum and dad have gone through therapy for so many years, and I always think: ‘If you keep looking back, what are you doing today? How are you going to feel good today?’ “I love my mum for raising us, and I love my dad for teaching me what to avoid. I really believe you need to have some challenges in life, because you come out of it, and are better for it.” It’s this bright-side mentality, combined with sweet sincerity, that makes Joe perfectly suited to fulfil his ‘calling’ – helping others become the best possible version of themselves. After graduating from St Mary’s in Twickenham, with a degree in Sports Science, Joe hankered for a career in PE, until he quit his job as a teaching assistant to follow his heart into personal training. He started
out running boxing boot camps in Richmond Park, then began posting recipes and workouts on Instagram, and the Lean in 15 idea was born. The rest is HIIT-tory. Joe inherited his caring nature from Raquela, a social worker, and says he was a born extrovert who was passionate about fitness at school, always drumming up new recruits for sports clubs and the football team. Although sporty, he was thin as a teenager, and battled insecurities about his appearance until the age of 16, when he took charge and bought his first gym membership. “I got a job at Wilkinson’s in Epsom and was probably earning £80 a month, but I was spending £40 of that on my Holmes Place membership. I’d go home from school and straight to the gym for an hour, and it was definitely driven by a need to want to look different, to be bigger and not be skinny,” says Joe. “I used to think: ‘I want abs because I want to go to Ibiza.’” He shakes his head in disbelief. “I’m not driven by physical aesthetics like I used to be. Because I exercise, I feel the benefits and I’m using it as a narrative now. I don’t say ‘join my plan so you can burn fat and lose weight’, I don’t say on my Stories ‘you should exercise today so you can look good in your dress next month’, I always come back to ‘you should exercise today because you’re going to feel better’. Now, it’s about mental health.” It’s why he launched Schools Fitness Week in September 2017, with the principle goal of getting one million kids exercising. Rather than initiating change by petitioning the government à la Jamie Oliver, Joe went directly to schools, and urged teachers to encourage pupils to partake in daily morning workouts he live streamed from his YouTube channel. He believes that if kids buy into exercise, parents will naturally become more health conscious too. Continues >>>
Photography | Meyer Cookware
own Wicks-ionary – he cooks with ‘midget trees’ (broccoli), ‘midget sprouts’ (peas), and says everyone should chuck out ‘the sad step’ (scales). He’s self-made, globally famous, and worth a reported £14.5 million, but Joe’s feet are firmly tethered to the ground, because he deliberately swerves the limelight. He’s never on a red carpet, can afford a car park of sports cars but still drives a Mini Cooper, and despite employing a 50-strong army of “support heroes” who could easily pick up the social media slack, he personally engages with his gazillions of fans who reach out via Instagram at all hours of the day and night – no mean feat for a new dad. Crucially, beyond Joe’s shouty recipe demos, HIIT workouts, and occasional Instagram snapshots of family life with six-month-old Indie and fiancée, model Rosie Jones, Joe is more private than most in the spotlight. So when he volunteers never-before-revealed details of his childhood struggles, I am surprised, and half expect him to backtrack. Only he doesn’t. “My dad was a drug addict from a very young age, so he was in and out of rehab when I was a kid,” reveals Joe. “He’s been through the 12-step programme God knows how many times, but he’s clean today, which is the most important thing, and he’s doing the London Marathon this year.” Joe tells me he “grew up around” Narcotics Anonymous, and frequently joined his father Gary, a roofer, on NA family days, where children would play while parents attended support groups. He says that at one family meeting, he spoke to a therapist, but insists he “didn’t really need it in the end”. I wonder if Joe’s father’s troubles were the catalyst to his own hunger for good health?
Driven by DREAMS
March 2019 • happiful • 19
“You’re going to feel better, have more energy, focus more, become smarter,” he says of the benefits, adding he would “love” to see all businesses contracting staff to exercise within working hours. At his offices overlooking Richmond station – the place he not long ago canvassed for clients as a jobbing PT – there’s a glass-walled gym where staff can go “anytime they want”. “I notice that when people do a workout, when they come back they’re buzzing, as opposed to going into the kitchen and grabbing a chocolate bar or an energy drink,” informs Joe.
Celebrating with his little girl
‘Lean in 15’ on
birthday. Every other Friday, Joe pays for a lunch delivery, chosen by one nominated staff member. “Sometimes it’s a healthy wrap, other times it’s Nandos, some of them have pizzas delivered – anything they want,” he says. Balance, it’s clear, is key. Joe notices his mood changing when he doesn’t eat well and eases up on exercise. “I just feel a bit flat, I’m not as productive,” he says, adding he last felt this way after “eating crap” over Christmas and New Year until – Joe clicks his fingers. An audible full stop. “I was like ‘no, this is why I eat well’. Then I can stop and I won’t eat any chocolate or junk.”
I love it and I’m still so engaged with my audience... If I get a question, I send a voice note back and they love it Does he actually stock his staff kitchen with sugary treats like chocolate bars? Joe glances over his shoulder to the table directly behind us and a half-eaten Thornton’s gateau. “We have chocolate cake!” he smiles. Yesterday it was his elder brother and right-hand man Nikki’s
It’s inspiring talk. When I ask how many lives he’s transformed, Joe multiplies a rough average of three people per household by the number of books he’s sold, and guesstimates nine million. Then there’s the “hundreds of thousands” who have subscribed to his £147-a-pop
tour!
90-day transformation plan, which prescribes high-intensity workouts with high-calorie healthy meals. He must feel proud of his achievements? “Yeah, I love it and I’m still so engaged with my audience. I still send video messages to people, and Instagram now does voice notes, so if I get a question, I send a voice note back and they love it.” Joe labels his daily screen time of six hours “savage”, but it’s unavoidable when running a “massive business online” where authenticity is key. Is he addicted to his phone? “We’re all addicted,” he confirms. “You want to capture every moment and then you want to share every moment. You go to a restaurant, but want to show all your mates you’re at the restaurant and what you’ve had. It’s weird. We never used to be like that. “The worst thing is, I’ll be with Indie and I’ll look at my phone. She’ll look at me and I think, ‘Why am I looking at my f***ing phone?’ and I put it down and feel so bad that all she’s seeing is the back of my phone, but it’ll happen again.” Joe also struggles with working dad guilt. After being “away all day”, in the evening he wants to see his girls, “exercise” and “play the guitar
Images | Instagram: @thebodycoach
ith Joe and Rosie w
, Indie their daughter
JOE’S Photography | Maja Smend
Serves 2
Ingredients • 2 tbsp olive oil • 1 large onion, finely chopped •2 medium carrots, peeled and chopped into cubes • Salt and pepper • 2 cloves garlic, crushed • 2 sprigs of rosemary • 200g dried green lentils • Glass of red wine •2 x 400g tins of chopped tomatoes • 1 tbsp tomato puree • 60g walnuts •1 tbsp balsamic vinegar •C ooked pasta of your choice •G rated cheese, to serve – optional
LENTIL BOLOGNESE
MUST-TRY RECIPE
salt and pepper. Cook for 6 minutes until mostly softened. Stir in the garlic and rosemary sprigs. Cook for another minute until it smells fragrant, then tip in the lentils.
•G ive everything a good stir, then pour in the red wine. When most of the wine has bubbled off, chuck in the chopped tomatoes, then re-fill one of the tins with water and pour it in. Stir in the tomato puree, and then leave to cook for 20 minutes, until the sauce has thickened and the lentils are soft.
Method •A dd the oil to a saucepan over a low heat. Tip in the chopped onion and carrots, along with a pinch of
•W hen the lentils are nearly cooked, toast the walnuts in a dry frying pan over a medium heat until lightly browned and smelling nutty. Allow to cool and roughly chop, then add them to the pan. Stir in the balsamic vinegar and season your bolognese to taste, removing the rosemary sprigs.
•S erve with cooked pasta and, if you’re like me, loads of grated cheese on top!
for an hour” before disappearing for two hours to interact with his army of followers – 6pm onwards when people are finishing work is peak time for engagement. “I feel bad because Indie will be downstairs, and I think ‘I should be with Indie right now’,” admits Joe, who, like everyone, is searching for work-life balance. “I’m getting to where I want to balance that, so now I’ll dedicate two hours to work, then I’ll have an hour with Indie and give her a bath.” Joe has the glint in his eye of a besotted new parent who, by the grace of God, is evading sleep deprivation thanks to Indie waking only once or twice a night. When we meet, she is days away from
starting weaning, and Joe is bursting with trademark positivity about introducing her to food. “I have a vision that she’s going to love everything I’m going to give her. If you give your child sweet stuff, their taste buds become receptive to sugar so they’ll reject the kale, the spinach and the broccoli,” he says eagerly. “My philosophy is going to be try to do greens, greens, greens for the first two weeks, then introduce the pear and apple.” Joe’s subsequent Instagram posts documenting Indie’s foray into food feature the hashtag #WeanIn15, clearly the title of Joe’s next release, a children’s cookbook he’s tells me he’s co-writing with a child nutritionist, Charlotte Stirling-Reed.
Presumably, critics will accuse him of cashing in on fatherhood, but Joe won’t care. In the early days, comments from online trolls tormented him – he would panic about what his clients thought and overthink criticism – but these days, he actively ignores negativity. Only a few weeks before we meet, Joe announced a new range of Body Coach protein powders on Instagram – with protein aiding recovery following a workout – which attracted some grumbles. “Sometimes I’ve put something out there, like the protein – ‘you’re a sellout, I can’t believe you’ve done this’ – but I concentrate on the people that are enjoying it and giving it a go,” Continues >>>
‘Veggie Lean in 15’ by Joe Wicks is out now (Bluebird)
he says, sagely. “It’s about letting go of that need to control everything all the time, be loved by everyone all the time. It’s not going to happen.” In his heart, Joe knows the only love that truly matters is that of Rosie, who he proposed to last November after two years of dating. He announced the news in an emotional Instagram post, which detailed his struggle watching his parents, who never married, repeatedly making up and breaking up. “I didn’t used to believe in marriage, I didn’t used to think I’d ask anyone to marry me. I just thought people quit, leave each other, and start afresh, always constantly chasing that new love feeling,” he explains. Last year he suddenly found himself checking out engagement rings.
My biggest vulnerability is the need to be close. I’d rather be really close to one person, than have millions of people who like me “I kept getting excited by the thought of it and I just had this urge to ask her to marry me,” says Joe, running a hand through his trademark curly locks. “She didn’t know it was coming. I got down on one knee and told her I really loved her and wanted to have a nice family, and that was it! Now, I’m in a really stable relationship and I would never leave them two. That’s my mind changing as I’ve grown up.” Joe despises being alone, which might explain why having 2.5 million followers in his back pocket is the
22 • happiful • April 2019
best life for him. He was 10 when his little brother George was born, and the pair were inseparable. “I took him everywhere. I came home every day and wanted to teach him to ride a bike, play football, everything. I feel like I learned how to be a dad by hanging out with George – feeding him a bottle, giving him a bath, putting him in his buggy – all the practical things,” recalls Joe. But when George went travelling to Thailand for 12 months recently, Joe struggled. “Our bond’s not as close as it was because we’ve not been living near each other,” he says. “My biggest vulnerability is the need to be close. I’d rather be really close to one person, than have millions of people who like me. I’m the guy that gets everyone together. I need to be connected.” The wedding, which he reveals will be “later on in the year sometime”, will be the perfect opportunity for the next big family union, but there’s plenty on the work front to keep Joe busy until then. He recently teamed up with recipe box company Gousto, not to mention promoting Veggie Lean In 15, which he hopes will inspire meat eaters to occasionally try vegetarian eating, as well as inspiring people to be kinder to the environment. Then there’s the biggest job of all – being a dad. “I’m optimistic about the future. I’m the happiest and most content I’ve ever been,” smiles Joe, before generously posing for a photograph, recording a ‘you’ve got this’ video message for a friend, gifting me a set of ‘Prep Like A Boss’ cooking spatulas, and putting on a pair of black-rimmed Hockney spectacles. Just like that, The Body Coach business resumes. Find out more about Joe at thebodycoach.com, and follow him on Instagram @thebodycoach
WIN!
For your chance to win one of two signed copies of Joe Wick’s Veggie Lean in 15, drop us an email at competitions@happiful.com, telling us what your favourite dish is and why. Closing date for entries is 21 April, open to UK residents only. Good luck!
writing Creative as a self-care tool
4
POSITIVE THOUGHTS
Creativity is an aspect of self-care that often goes unexplored. You may have been recommended to keep a mood diary, or write down your problems as a form of therapy, but there is a way to use creative writing as a self-care tool that goes beyond the idea of journalling... Writing | Fiona Thomas Illustrating | Rosan Magar
H
aving a crafty hobby is a fun way to pass the time, but research suggests that creativity can have a tangible impact on our mental wellbeing. In 2017, the All-Party Parliamentary Group on Arts, Health and Wellbeing reported that the “act of creation, and our appreciation of it, provides an individual experience that can have
24 • happiful • April 2019
positive effects on our physical and mental health, and wellbeing”. Supporting this, a study has found that 79% of people in deprived communities in London ate more healthily after participating in group art projects, while 77% engaged in more physical activity. Overall, 82% enjoyed greater wellbeing, proving that an enriched creative life can contribute to a more positive mindset.
To learn more, I spoke to Suzy Reading, chartered psychologist and author of The Self-Care Revolution: smart habits & simple practices to allow you to flourish, who explained why creative writing is such an effective self-care tool. She tells me that people tend to have a deeper knowledge about themselves when they are encouraged to give a voice to their experience, and that
this undervalued self-care tool is “a way to be heard, even if you’re just listening to yourself. It’s a way of processing your thoughts”. If you needed more incentives to give creative writing a go, then perhaps note that not only is it effective, but it is simple, accessible – and free. Here are some tips to get started:
1 Let go of expectations
Many people give up at the first hurdle, because they think that they aren’t naturally creative. But the most important thing to remember is that no one else ever needs to read what you’ve written. This is just for you, so it doesn’t matter if you’re the new Shakespeare, or if you can’t tell a semicolon from a exclamation mark. You may want to give the process a sense of occasion by choosing a particularly nice pen and a special notebook to write in, but this doesn’t necessarily work for everyone. If the thought of writing in a beautiful journal fills you with dread, Suzy advises the complete opposite. “Grab a scrap of paper with no intention to keep it, and just jot down your thoughts.”
2 Create a happy memory bank
One way to use creative writing to foster positive emotions is to write about happy memories. The act of reminiscing about sights, smells, and textures, will inform your writing, and when you read the words back you may experience those feelings all over again. For those who can’t think of anything in particular, Suzy suggests using prompts, such as specific types of emotions. “Write about a pleasurable emotion like awe, curiosity, wonder, love or connection, and let that guide you.”
An enriched creative life can contribute to a more positive mindset Another prompt would be to think of one good thing that has happened recently, and write about it in detail.
feeling mentally well. When you feel life is great, that’s the perfect time to write and record positive emotions. Then, when challenges arise in the future, you can refer back to your writing and rest assured that the bad times won’t last forever. “In those times, it’s about reflecting on previous writing, and using that sense of context and perspective,” says Suzy. Creative writing isn’t about downloading the negative thoughts and rereading them. You want to hold on to the positive experiences, the affirming life experiences, and reread those when you feel tested by life.
3 Learn to savour
Writing about your happy memories doesn’t need to involve creating long lists of all your achievements or defining moments. In fact, it’s just as effective to write about all the little things that make life great. Suzy says: “People who have consummated the ability to savour are often happier than those who aren’t aware of the skill. It’s something that we do already, but I think once you name it you can do it more often, and with greater effect.” Whether it’s your first cup of coffee in the morning, or a sequence of calming yoga poses before bed, the act of savouring can have a really potent impact on wellbeing. Try writing about a positive moment in your day, and thoroughly describe every aspect of what made it so enjoyable.
4 Timing is key
People often associate creative writing with the idea of expressing negative emotions, but it can actually be easier to master when you’re April 2019 • happiful • 25
Global change starts at home From ditching cling film to feeding your pooch insect larvae, here are some simple (and perhaps surprising) steps to a more sustainable lifestyle Writing | Kat Nicholls
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e all know by now that in order to keep our planet around for longer, we need to take action. Judging by a recent poll we put out on Twitter, many of you are already making changes to your lifestyle with this in mind. We found that 84% of our followers said they’re already taking steps towards sustainability, 8% said they weren’t yet, but plan to, and only 8% said it’s not on their radar. If sustainability is on your radar, you’re probably already aware of some changes you can make – getting a reusable coffee cup, ditching plastic water bottles for a swanky metal one, and reaching for canvas bags when you go shopping. These are all amazing steps... but why stop there? Whether it’s in the kitchen, at the office, or in your wardrobe, there are plenty more places where you can make a difference. Here, we’ve broken down some areas where small changes can have a big impact.
In the kitchen
Source: beegreenwraps.co.uk
STOP CLINGING TO CLING FILM If we bundled up every piece of cling film used in households across Britain in a year, we’d be able to go around the circumference of the world 30 times over. Being a singleuse, tricky to recycle item, cling film is one of the first things to replace. Consider switching to sealable containers, or reusable options like beeswax wraps. Beeswax coated cotton has been used to preserve food for centuries, and now companies like Bee Green Wraps are creating modern-day versions (which also happen to look hella cute). Described as ‘biodegradable, reusable, and chemical-free’, the company donates 5% of profits to the Marine Conservation Society, to help reduce plastic pollution. Check them out at beegreenwraps.co.uk
In the supermarket PUSH BACK AGAINST PLASTIC AND PALM OIL Since the 5p tax on plastic bags was introduced, supermarkets have given out 80% fewer plastic bags. This is a small step on the long journey supermarkets need to take to become more sustainable. Plastic wrapped food packaging is still a major problem in most big retailers. While taking your own containers and heading to the meat, fish and dairy counters can help, more needs to be done. Taking matters into their own hands, zero waste shops are popping up all over the UK. Full of products with minimal packaging, these shops
ask customers to bring their own containers to fill up and do their weekly shop, waste-free. To take things a step further, start getting palm oil aware. Linked to the destruction of the world’s rainforests, palm oil plantations are threatening the homes of many endangered species, including orangutans. Calling itself a ‘sustainable shopping companion’, the Giki app can help you be more conscious with your shopping choices. Simply search a product and get the lowdown on its impact on the planet, and whether or not it contains palm oil from sustainable sources.
It’s estimated that more than 45 billion period-related products end up in the bin every year
In the bathroom STEP AWAY FROM SANITARY WASTE, AND RETHINK YOUR RAZOR If you reach for disposable razors every time you shave, now’s the time to invest in something a little more long-lasting. A more sustainable alternative is an old-school safety razor made from metal – not only will this bring down your waste pile, it’ll save you money in the long run. We love the Bamboo Razor from bulldogskincare.com made from sustainable materials – it even comes in recyclable packaging. Another area to address is sanitary waste – period products like tampons and pads. It’s estimated that more than 45 billion period-related products end up in the bin every year. Alternative options like menstrual cups (we love the organicup, available at Planet Organic and Amazon) and period pants (try shethinx.com) can help reduce this for a waste-free period. Continues >>>
Surprising sustainable steps • Got a penchant for glitter? Next time you get your sparkle on, opt for a biodegradable option as most glitters contain plastic – ecoglitterfun.com has an amazing range. • Need to wrap some gifts? Avoid shiny or sparkly paper and go for a rustic look with recyclable brown paper, or try reversible, reusable wrap from wragwrap.com • Putting a wash on? Add a bag from guppyfriend.com in with your next load to trap microfibres that get released in every wash. • After more sustainable dog food? Try Yora pet food. Made from insect larvae, it’s sustainable and perfectly suited to your dog’s nutritional needs. Check them out at yorapetfoods.com April 2019 • happiful • 27
Eco-warrior giveaway! To help you get started on your sustainability shake-up, we have a bundle of 10 eco-goodies up for grabs, including a tea strainer, a guppyfriend pack, and various items from the article – as well as several other things we think you’ll love. For you chance to win, email us at competitions@happiful.com with the subject line ‘sustainability competition’, noting in the message what has inspired you most to live more sustainably. Competition closes 21 April, open to UK residents only (sorry!)
Top tips for a sustainability newbie In the office TAKE A BREAK FROM TEA BAGS, AND INVEST IN YOUR INK Every day in the UK, we get through an estimated 165 million teabags, and almost all of these are made with plastic. Adding to the plastic pile, tea bags are perhaps the most innocent looking culprit in the office, but we promise we won’t ask you to give up your tea break. Instead, why not get yourself a tea strainer and start making your brew with loose-leaf tea? Another easy swap for the office is to ditch the big packs of disposable pens, and encourage colleagues to get an investment pen instead. For a super eco-friendly writing tool, check out bamboo fountain pens – friluk.co.uk have beautiful options in their lifestyle section.
Every day in the UK, we get through an estimated 165 million teabags, and almost all of these are made with plastic
In your wardrobe CHOOSE CHARITY SHOPS AND JOIN THE RENTAL REVOLUTION When looking at taking steps to be more sustainable, we couldn’t skip the wardrobe. The fashion industry is considered the second largest polluter in the world (with the oil industry in at number one). This is down to a number of factors, including the toxic waste dumped into rivers by factories, and the amount of water it takes to produce clothing (did you know it can take up to 20,000 litres of water to produce just 1kg of cotton?). Fast fashion is the enemy here; when we buy items, wear them a couple of times and then throw them away, we’re contributing to this damage. But fear not fashion lovers, there are ways you can fuel your passion while taking care of the planet. Firstly, make more investment buys – spend a little more on pieces from sustainable sources, and wear them with love. It will cost you a little more money initially, but the quality means it will last longer. Next, consider charity shopping. Buying second hand is a great way to be more sustainable, and you could get lucky and snag a designer item at a fraction of the cost. Finally, instead of buying a fancy dress for that wedding, consider renting one. Websites such as ourcloset.co.uk allow you to browse designer goods and rent them for a certain period of time, so you can get your fashion fix guilt-free.
Lucy Lucraft is a freelance journalist, blogger, and podcaster, who creates content for the ethically-conscious. Here, she shares her top tips for those at the beginning of their sustainability journey: 1. Don't aim for perfection “Don't focus on those who produce a Kilner jar of waste each year, because the reality is that we all have very different lifestyles, not to mention recycling schemes! For example, my kerbside collection only picks up plastic bottles. Just do what works for you and your family.” 2. Be gentle with yourself “In the same vein, you may feel discouraged from buying products like Keepcups and water bottles by zero-waste purists, but I don't agree. Buy a few to help you on your way. Accept we live in a capitalist world where we are bombarded with advertising daily, and try to make your purchases as ethical as possible. Beyond that, give yourself grace!” 3. Think about going meat-free “Animal agriculture is one of the leading causes of climate change, water consumption and ocean pollution, so going for a plant-based, flexitarian diet will impact the planet way more than ditching straws. There are far more vegan options around now, from Iceland to Waitrose, so it's relatively simple to introduce more plant-based products into your diet." Find out more about Lucy and her creative mentoring for ethically-conscious business owners at lucylucraft.com
Dog days
Writer and broadcaster Emily Dean had longed for a dog from childhood, but becoming a ‘dog family’ was never on the cards. After her sister died, followed by both her parents, Emily encountered a period of great change and self-discovery, resulting in a decision to write her own story, and welcome four paws into her life Writing | Lucy Donoughue
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mily Dean has been chatting with royalty prior to our interview. She’s spent the afternoon at the Mayhew Animal Home, and has met the Duchess of Sussex (Meghan Markle, if you weren’t sure), the new patron of the north London based animal charity. “She asked me to show her a picture of Ray,” Emily says laughing, referring to her own dog. “I was desperately scrolling through my phone, trying to find a picture where he didn’t look weird, and it turns out he looks weird in all of them. “Luckily she laughed and thought he was very cute. So my passion for dogs has introduced me to royalty!” It’s absolutely fitting that Emily should have been at this royal meet and greet. Her passion for our canine chums is something she wears with pride, today and in ‘Walking The Dog’, her hugely popular podcast for The Times. Each episode, Emily meets actors, comedians, and presenters, and they go for a dog walk together, while chatting about their lives, careers, and thoughts on their canine friends
– occasionally interrupted by a pause to greet another walker or comment on the array of pooches in the park. The podcast is always a funny and insightful listen. Emily never fails to delve deep into her companion’s backgrounds, and I wonder whether this is helped by the momentum of the walk? “It’s interesting, the conceit of the dog walk because you’ve got all those distractions, you’re kind of extracting thoughts by stealth. It’s misdirection in a way…” she pauses. “I think there’s something about not having eye contact that helps. If I was saying to a comic face-to-face, ‘Have you had therapy?’ it could be uncomfortable. That’s an easier question to ask if you’re kicking leaves and there’s a Labrador pooing in the corner.” Our interview, however, doesn’t take place over a dog walk (though we’ve both shared pictures of our pups – mine, Zac, a spirited rescue with a sparse feather duster tail; Emily’s, Ray, an inquisitive, muchloved Shih Tzu). While our mutual obsession with dogs will be a theme throughout, we’re
also here to talk about Emily’s book, Everybody Died, So I Got A Dog. Emily has written all through her adult life. She was deputy editor of InStyle magazine for eight years, and has penned pieces for other titles including The Times, Evening Standard Continues >>>
Emily’s book ‘Everybody Died, So I Got A Dog’ is out now (Hodder & Stoughton, £16.99).
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and You Magazine, and now also copresents a Saturday morning show on Absolute Radio with comedians Frank Skinner and Alun Cochrane. However, Everybody Died, So I Got A Dog is all hers, and completely personal – firstly reflecting on her eccentric, extraordinary and bohemian childhood as a family unit of four (actor mother, broadcaster father, and older beloved sister Rachael). Emily explores the ever-changing dynamic between her parents, their glamorous gatherings while dodging of red-topped bills, her father’s academic outbursts, and her belief that other families were able to have dogs because they were stable and normal, unlike her’s. Her passion for dogs and pursuit of them, as well as the love she has for her ‘anchor’ Rachael, are the golden threads that run throughout her entire story to date. As the book moves from childhood to adulthood, Emily shares the devastating news of her sister’s liver cancer and death at the age of 43, less than a month after diagnosis. Her own experience of grief was compounded by the deaths of her mum and dad Emily's beloved Shih Tzu, Ray
It felt like no one had warned me, and with the nature of my family, it felt like they were bright lights that burnt out and family. Then, in Emily’s own words, “I felt out of control and didn’t want to pretend anymore.” This realisation led Emily to the Hoffman Process – an intensive seven-day therapeutic retreat that helps to release and resolve issues, and promotes healing. Emily is immediately effusive about the experience: “For me, what was powerful about it was learning to love, forgive and understand my family, particularly my parents. “They have this mantra at the Hoffman, ‘Everyone is guilty, no one is to blame,’ and to me that’s really important. You realise everyone comes from a place of vulnerability, even anger comes from vulnerability… It’s something I’ve learnt now, and I can’t unlearn that. “It may sound odd,” Emily reflects. “But it took losing my parents to really love and appreciate them in the way that I do now. I feel them in me and I see them in me, and I think about them every day in little ways. “There were some difficult moments in my childhood, but I love what I feel their legacy is, which is that sense that it’s OK to be a little different. I’m really grateful to them for that.” The Hoffman Process seems to have had a major impact on Emily and her ability to focus on her own life. She came to understand how her perception of herself had been
Photography | Olivia Beasley
in quick succession, leaving her as the sole remaining member of her original family unit. “Rachael’s death was really hard, and I think it hit me in a way that I possibly didn’t even process at the time,” she explains. “Then my mum got sick. She was diagnosed with motor neurone disease and she died, and then my dad died six months after her.” She smiles and I sense she is trying to make the conversation easier for those listening. “I referred to it as the Game of Thrones finale – it was that episode. Everyone experiences bereavement, it happens to all of us, but I got mine all in one episode, and I could have done with it being spread out throughout the series.” To lose all your closest family over such a short period of time seems unimaginable. “It felt like no one had warned me, and with the nature of my family, it felt like they were bright lights that burnt out. “It was tough and I felt very lonely,” she continues. “I also felt with my sister, that she was my witness, and my witness had died. There are things about my childhood that no one else would understand.” A particularly dark period followed after her dad’s death, and Emily struggled to cope with her grief. She regularly saw her counsellor, Sue, and describes these sessions as “becoming a cocoon of comfort… like getting into a warm bath, where I could turn off the outside world and shed my skin”. However, over time, the enormity of grief bore down on her, and she found herself calling Samaritans to talk, when the pain of loss became too much for her to want to share with other friends
Ray allowed me to see people at their most benign and nurturing… He made me deliriously happy just by existing formed by her role in her family unit, and that she could now move forward, as – and for – herself. Emerging from the retreat, Emily made the decision to make a home that reflected who she really was, incorporating her “weird passions”, pursuing the career she wanted, and getting the dog she had dreamed of since childhood. The dog she had always longed for, but never felt that her family, the time, or her circumstances were right. Enter Ray, who Emily describes as looking like “a one night stand between a Wookie and an Ewok”, the first time she met him. A little
Shih Tzu who made her heart burst, and later admits proudly, without comedic punchline, that getting him was the best thing she’d ever done. Ray’s arrival, she says, opened up new avenues and perspectives of others. She began to meet different people in parks, at a puppy class (where Ray did spectacularly, being secretly older than the others), and she writes of seeing business people visibly soften at seeing a dog in an otherwise corporate environment. “Ray allowed me to see people at their most benign and nurturing… He made me deliriously happy just by existing.”
We both agree that dogs are pretty special and life enhancing. Now, Emily’s dog Ray has a royal seal of approval, as well a prime place in a brilliant book she has written about her life – in which he is very much a firm fixture, regardless of what younger Emily might have thought was possible.
Follow Emily on Twitter @Divine_ Miss_Em, listen to her podcast ‘Walking The Dog’, and catch her on Absolute Radio, Saturday mornings from 8am. April 2019 • happiful • 33
Happiful Hero
Photography | Linh Nguyen
34 • happiful • December 2018
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Spring is the time of. plans and projects. – LEO TOLSTOY
Happiful
Images | ‘David Tennant Does a Podcast With...’ play.acast.com, Game of Thrones: Helen Sloan/HBO, Donté: Instagram @donte.colley
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Try something different this month with the new podcast from David Tennant, a fresh twist on the 210-year-old Boat Race, and an app that helps you discover the world around us
PAGE-TURNERS The Heat of the Moment by Dr Sabrina Cohen-Hatton After leaving school at the age of 16, Dr Sabrina Cohen-Hatton went on to become one of the world’s most senior female firefighters. Here, she shares stories from life on the frontline, as she takes us to the core of firefighting.
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THE CONVERSATION World Autism Awareness Week A week for looking at the things we can do to create a world that works for autistic people. Raise funds or spread the word by joining the conversation online. Use the hashtag #AutismAwarenessWeek and find fundraising resources on autism.org.uk (1–7 April)
(Out 11 April, Doubleday, £16.99)
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TECH TIP-OFFS Fog of World
LEND US YOUR EARS
How much of the world around you have you seen? This app puts a virtual ‘fog’ over a map. Tracking your GPS, the fog clears as you walk or drive around an area. With maps covering the planet, and fun achievements to unlock, this app turns everyday tasks into adventures. (Available on iOS and Android, £9.99)
‘David Tennant Does a Podcast With…’ This podcast does exactly what it says on the tin, as David Tennant sits down to chat with showbiz A-listers about work, life and everything in between. From Olivia Colman to Ian McKellen, tune in for candid conversations, and lots of laughs.
PLUGGED-IN
(Available from iTunes)
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Donté Colley Donté is the 21-year-old Instagram sensation guaranteed to put a smile on your face with his motivational dances. Follow Donté for daily pick-me-ups, lookbooks, and lifeaffirming positivity.
SQUARE EYES Game of Thrones season eight Buckle your seatbelts as the worldwide fantasy sensation takes over our screens, and staff-room conversations, for the last time. In the highly anticipated finale, who will prevail to sit on the Iron Throne? (Starts 15 April on Sky Atlantic in the UK)
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(Follow @donte.colley)
PUT ON A SHOW The Oxford vs Cambridge Goat Race If the boat race isn’t really your thing, hitch a ride to Spitalfields City Farm, Bethnal Green, to witness the Goat Race. With all proceeds used to fund the educational farm, get in the sporting spirit as two goats – one representing Oxford and the other Cambridge – dash around the farm to be crowned 2019’s winner. (7 April. Find @TheGoatRace on Twitter, and follow the link in their bio to buy tickets)
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GET GOING Walk for Parkinson’s Head to Ticknall, Derbyshire, to join hundreds of walkers as they take on a 7.1 or 2.1 mile walk around the beautiful grounds of the National Trust’s Calke Abbey. All in aid of Parkinson’s UK – and with a suggested £50 sponsorship – take steps to help fund life-changing research. (28 April, visit parkinsons.org.uk to find out more)
OUT AND ABOUT The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time – a relaxed performance Experience the play based on Mark Haddon’s novel in this ‘relaxed’ performance that welcomes people on the autism spectrum. Effects will be altered, and there will be a chance to join actors for a Q&A session. (6 April, Piccadilly Theatre. Book tickets by calling the box office on 020 7452 3000)
TREAT YOURSELF Jerry Bottles
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One in eight people worldwide don’t have access to clean and safe water. But we have the power to change that. Jerry bottles are reusable water bottles with 100% of profits funding water projects around the world. Flip the bottle over to find the coordinates of the project your purchase has funded engraved on the bottom. (Visit jerrybottle.com)
Ask the experts Harley Street hypnotherapist Fiona Lamb answers your questions
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I need help with my sleep. I’ve tried herbal methods and exercise, but nothing is working. I’ve heard hypnotherapy could help? I’m desperate to get some rest…
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The biggest and most common cause of anxiety is the belief that we aren’t good enough. We can learn this fear of rejection as a child, and it can stay with us through our adult life. Try affirmations such as ‘I am good enough’, ‘I am safe’, ‘I am calm’. It is also beneficial to use your imagination in your favour. Instead of it working against you, start expecting a different outcome. We put lots of pressure on ourselves to be perfect, but remember it’s OK to make mistakes.
Brought to you by Hypnotherapy Directory
Since hypnotherapy works with the unconscious part of the mind and sleep is such an unconscious process, this method works really well. The main cause of insomnia is anxiety – as our minds sense threat or danger, the adrenaline keeps us awake, keeping our minds active and alert. In hypnotherapy, we work through fears so your mind can think logically, and you can get the sleep you need. When you generally feel calmer and more relaxed, it’s easier to doze off.
Fiona Lamb is a certified, advanced clinical hypnotherapist based in Harley Street and High Street Kensington, London. You can find more information about Fiona and her practice on hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk
I’m an emotional eater and would like to break the cycle. I commute daily, so I stock up on treats before the train home. It doesn’t help that I hate my job, too… Identify the underlying feeling causing you to eat, and ask why you don’t like your job. Food is distracting you from the real issue. If there are feelings of sadness, find natural ways to boost those happy hormones. Regular exercise, getting more daylight, and surrounding yourself with uplifting people are good places to start. Once you deal with the emotion, the habits will be easier to break. Distract yourself on the train by taking a good book. The less attention you give to food, and the more you find other ways to deal with your emotions, your dependence on food will decrease.
Hypnotherapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
Photography | @katesharpphotography
I was recently promoted, but part of that includes pitching to clients. I’m experiencing severe anxiety and issues with my digestion. How can I overcome this fear of public speaking?
Speaking my truth As a world-class beatboxer, Simon pushed himself to continuously reach new highs, but emotions he’d been hiding from eventually caught up with him. Following two breakdowns, he found the power in being vulnerable, and realised that his online community could truly be a place of positivity
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Writing | Simon Shlomo Kahn
e all know how toxic social media can be, myself included. A few years back I realised that I struggle with addictions, one of which is internet addiction. It had reached a point where I was so desperate for online validation that I would be awake all night, isolated, and unable to break the loop. I would always pretend to be OK, only sharing a perfect, always happy, infinitely successful version of myself. But recently this all changed. I made the decision to be open online about my battle with depression, trauma, and addiction, and the transformation I have seen in my life has been astonishing; ultimately, my virtual community saved me from suicide. I have lived in a whirlwind my whole adult life – soon after leaving home, I started gaining recognition as a beatboxer, breaking world records, a live looping artist winning World Looping
Championships, and performing with household names like Ed Sheeran, Damon Albarn and Basement Jaxx to huge crowds around the world. I was growing up on the road, on stage, and in the public eye. I was desperate to prove myself. Beatboxing is hugely empowering – you can stand up and literally move people with nothing but your voice and a microphone. I started beatboxing as a child as a way to practise the drums after my baby sister had gone to bed. I had the rhythm bug – I couldn’t switch the music off in my head, so I started using my voice to express what I heard in my mind. When my friends heard the sounds I was making, they would freak out. I realised I had something special, so I practised with a passion, and in 2003 I left my astrophysics degree at Leeds University to pursue music full-time. Continues >>>
Simon’s Story
Simon has performed with the likes of Ed Sheeran and Damon Albarn
For more from Simon, visit his website skshlomo.com I’ve always loved the thrill of performance, and at the start I used to get these huge rushes from the shows. I’d be soaring high from all the endorphins, all the energy from delivering this passionate and adrenalised experience. But the problem is you can quickly get addicted to those highs. It was almost compulsive the way I would push myself. I was always trying to be bigger and better, to outdo myself, or break the next world record. One day in summer 2008, I performed on the Pyramid Stage at Glastonbury, which had been a massive dream of mine. I walked off thinking I should feel amazing, but I just felt empty. Now what? Now I have to find something even bigger to do. It felt like it would never end. I couldn’t understand why my life felt like a race, and why I was never satisfied by my achievements. 38 • happiful • April 2019
I desperately wanted to create an album of my own, but I spent years obeying the voices in my head telling me I’d fail. In January 2017, in a moment of inspired courage, I vowed to stand up to my inner critic. I was coming off tour to get this album written. But the process of stopping the whirlwind was far more painful than I had imagined. I thought it would be easy, but the isolation completely broke me. In May 2017, after weeks of mixed success trying to write my album, I had a breakdown. My addictions relapsed, and I quickly found myself in a suicidal space. I didn’t want to live any more. I was fantasising about how I could escape my own life. I was lucky though. Michelle, my wonderful life partner and business partner, could see I wasn’t OK. When she gently asked me what was wrong, I could finally
admit how I felt. With her encouragement, I sought help. By September 2017, I started cognitive behavioural therapy, and after another breakdown in March 2018, I was referred for trauma therapy. In trauma therapy, I learned tools to process something I had been too afraid to talk about: when I was four years old, I had a near death experience ending with emergency abdominal surgery. I never realised that I had been running from the trauma my whole life. After seven weeks away from work, piece by piece, I slowly began to rebuild myself. Music was my therapy. By writing down my stories and embracing my pain, songs were starting to take shape. I realised the album I had been writing was all about this journey with trauma. By June 2018, I had written half of the album, but I knew I’d need funds to record and
release it. I decided to launch a crowdfunding campaign, which could also raise mental health awareness, and money for a mental health charity. To launch the campaign, I posted a video about my mental health. People immediately started reaching out to me, sharing their own journeys and offering support. I felt more real, more connected to the world than I ever had before. But then the funding stalled. I started doubting whether this was a good idea. I was getting supportive messages every day, but a lot of them contained traumatic stories, and I wasn’t sure if I could cope. Then one day over summer 2018, I was attacked on Twitter about my mental health. Someone sent me a barrage of tweets, telling me that I should be ashamed. That it was my own fault. That depression and suicide were evolution’s way of weeding out weak men.
Photography | Ben Hopper
I made the decision to be open online about my battle with depression, trauma and addiction; ultimately, my virtual community saved me from suicide
True LIFE
Photography | Left: Andy Teo Photocillin, Right: Matt Allen
#WEARELISTENING is Simon’s series of mental health live streams
People immediately started reaching out to me, sharing their own journeys and offering support My mind was racing. What if I’m not fit to be a father to my two sons? I spiralled back into terrifying suicidal anxiety. But things were different this time. Since I’d opened up online, I was no longer isolated. My friends, family and fans knew I was vulnerable. They were checking in with me every day. And sharing what had happened to me brought me some new-found courage. To defy my attacker, I posted my story in depth,
sharing my truth with anxiety, addiction and trauma. The reaction was overwhelming. I received hundreds of messages, from all over the world, containing love, hope, support and strength. And stories of similar struggles. My community rallied around me, the article soon went viral, and my crowdfunding total zoomed to 112% within days. More importantly, my followers also started talking honestly about their own mental health. It seemed to spread – people reported that their own network had started supporting them with struggles they had previously been too afraid to share. That summer I started #WEARELISTENING – a series of ‘real talk’ live streams inviting guests to open up about mental health. The first live stream with Grammy winning artist Jason Mraz was
watched by more than 95,000 people around the planet. I learned that sharing vulnerable truths online is scary, and maybe the reluctance to be open is because of a fear that people don’t want to hear about the pain. But we can all work together to create a tolerant online culture. If you’re with me and you believe that the internet can be a tool for positive social change, rather than a popularity competition, then
I urge you to try something. Try sharing your truth today. Post something vulnerable you might not normally share, and invite your friends to do the same. Who knows, it might help someone else speak their truth tomorrow. Ultimately, it might save a life. Listen to tracks from Simon’s, aka SK Shlomo’s, forthcoming album that’s raising mental health awareness, out 29 March: skshlomo.com/listen
Our Expert Says Simon’s story reminds us of a universal truth – we are all vulnerable. We may not always feel it, but inside all of us is a part of ourselves that needs to be listened to and taken care of. Simon discovered it was something he’d long forgotten that he needed to process. The point we stop and have space, is often when our mind focuses on unresolved issues. It is at these times that we need support – Simon found a way to do that for himself and thousands of others. However alone you may feel, remember we are all stronger together. Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach looking to encourage confidence and motivation
April 2019 • happiful • 39
The benefits of birding Mother Nature is calling, and she’s got your number! Birdwatching can do wonders for your wellbeing, and you don’t need to live in the country or own a flat cap – we promise. Start in your garden, and reap the mental health rewards Writing | Kat Nicholls Illustrating | Rosan Magar
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t’s no secret that spending time in nature is good for us; getting outdoors, soaking up some vitamin D, and breathing in that fresh air can have a grounding effect we all crave from time to time. So, it should come as no surprise that activities involving nature support our wellbeing too, and this is especially true of birdwatching (or ‘birding’ as the experts call it).
40 • happiful • April 2019
Simply being able to see birds, and spending more time in nature, has been shown to lower the risk of anxiety, stress and depression. And it’s not just the act of seeing the birds that’s beneficial either. We spoke to Jamie Wyver from the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds (RSPB), who told us about a study from Kings College, London, that revealed birdsong can lift our mood for several hours. “You might not see another person all day, but the blue tits, robins and blackbirds that hop, flutter and sing in your garden cheer you up, and make you feel less alone – more connected to the outside world,” Jamie explains. This connection, to nature and other living creatures, is a basic need, and birding is an activity that encompasses both. Add to this the learning aspect (identifying different species), the way it gets our bodies moving, even the mindful benefits, and it’s easy to see the appeal. Interested in giving birding a go? Here’s how to get started...
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1 Start in your garden (or local park)
Find a quiet spot and stay very still. You’ll be amazed at what you can see, even in just 10–15 minutes. When you want to take things further afield, Jamie says wetlands are ideal. “Open spaces with plenty of waterbirds are great fun to watch. Innocent looking ducks – which are in fact the pirates of the pond, snatching food from coots. Graceful grey herons standing like statues. Spectacular seabird cliffs, mountain birds, heathlands, woodlands… There’s so much to see!”
2 Get some optics Birding doesn’t have to cost a thing from your garden, but if you want to start exploring further from home,
Jamie encourages you to invest in equipment. “To get the most out of it, you’ll need ‘optics’ – binoculars or a telescope – because once you start looking for wild birds in more open settings, you’ll find they’re often just slightly too far away to identify.”
3 Learn more about the birds
While it certainly isn’t a prerequisite for you to know about birds, it can help you get more enjoyment out of the activity. Jamie suggests starting with the birds already visiting your garden or local park. “Garden birds are a good group to start with because they tend to be more comfortable around people. The RSPB website has an excellent bird identifier, where you work through a series of
questions to help you uncover what you’ve seen – as you get more involved, bird books are very handy.”
4 Keep a list of what you see
Another way to make the most of birding is to track what you’re spotting. Jamie started with a notebook and pencil, but now uses an app. “Keeping a list challenges you, and encourages you to explore. Once you’ve seen the easier-to-find birds, you then travel to find the more scarce ones.”
5 Take it to the next level
Contributing to surveys and bird counts help charities and organisations learn more about our feathered friends, so they can protect them better. “Big Garden Birdwatch is run by the RSPB, but there are many projects up and down the country. Once you’re confident, there’s the British Trust for Ornithology (BTO) Breeding Bird Survey, too,” says Jamie. The RSPB are ooking for volunteers – visit rspb.org.uk to get involved.
This spring, the RSPB is aiming to get birdsong into the charts as part of its Let Nature Sing campaign, which is highlighting the way birdsong is disappearing from nature. Lend your voice to the campaign by visiting rspb.org.uk/letnaturesing
April 2019 • happiful • 41
Photography | Hian Oliveiray | Rutgers University
It’s been found that people who. smelt flowers reported being. three times happier than they. were before smelling them.
The reality of psychosis For many of us, the world around us remains fairly constant, familiar. But for some people with severe mental illness, psychosis can turn that world upside down, as their relationship with reality becomes distorted. Here, counsellor and psychotherapist Lindsay George explores psychosis, what it really means, and treatment options, with the insight of her patient who has experienced this first hand. Hira opens up to quell the stigma attached to the condition, and speaks out for others living with mental illness Writing | Lindsay George
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he was standing in the corner of the classroom shouting at me, so I shouted back!” Hira told her friends, who, confused, asked: “Hira, who are you yelling at? There’s no one there.” She now felt even more frightened and alone. “It was very, very scary. I thought I was going crazy back then,” Hira told me recently. “I just couldn’t make sense of why I was feeling the way I was.” Sadly for Hira, she felt unable to tell anyone about her experience, for fear of being stigmatised. Now a mental health advocate for Youth Mental Health Matters (a Manchester-based charity, who provide a platform for young people’s mental health needs), and in her first year at university, Hira is working hard at keeping herself mentally well. For her, what helps is a combination of a little exercise, checking in weekly for her counselling sessions, and socialising with her wide circle of
friends, who have provided her with much needed additional emotional support over the years. “They actually saved my life,” she freely admits. However, three years ago, things were very different for Hira. She had been in year 11, studying for her GCSEs. Little did anyone know back then, but she was regularly hearing voices and seeing people, who she now acknowledges, weren’t actually there. Unfortunately for Hira, they had felt very real at the time, and had become part of her normal day-to-day life for well over a year. “They would say negative things to me, and encourage me to self-harm,” she tells me. Even more terrifyingly, these voices would goad Hira in to attempting to take her own life. Tragically, it took a suicide attempt and an admission to hospital for Hira’s situation to finally come out into the open. She was diagnosed with severe depression, and was experiencing psychosis. She was just 15 years old.
WHAT IS PSYCHOSIS? Psychosis is a symptom, often of an underlying mental health condition, where there is a loss of contact with reality. Individuals may experience hallucinations (hearing or seeing things that do not exist), and delusions (believing things others don’t). The fear of not understanding what is happening, and not knowing why we are feeling the way we do, is both frightening and isolating. It can make us feel even more alone in not knowing who or where to go for help, as Hira knows only too well. It was after Hira’s sucide attempt that she finally told someone about what she was experiencing. Continues >>> Note: As a member of the BACP, Lindsay follows the rules and regulations with regards to client confidentiality. With this article, Hira has agreed for her story to be shared publicly, with the hope that it will dispel stigma.
April 2019 • happiful • 43
For support and more information about psychosis, visit nhs.uk or mind.org.uk
It was at this point that, thankfully, she was able to receive the much needed mental health support and medical intervention she required, in order for her to begin her slow recovery process. Unfortunately this is not always the case. The scary fact is that 75% of mental health issues (apart from dementia) arise before adulthood. Statistics state that mental health issues affect one in four of us in the UK, but what about those specifically related to psychosis? While it is hard to actually track the exact figure, it is believed that 0.7% of the UK population experience this extreme mental health disorder at any one time. WHAT ARE THE CAUSES OF PSYCHOSIS? It is sometimes possible to identify the cause of psychosis through a specific mental health condition, such as schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder. However, psychosis can also be triggered by extreme stress, trauma, alcohol misuse, substance abuse, or the side-effects of certain prescribed medication. In Hira’s experience, her severe depression was linked to long-term bullying at school. Like many young people, she tried to manage the situation on her own. The extremes of that particular story are not within the scope of this article, however, suffice to say she became very unhappy and mentally unwell over a period of time.
Research has also shown that support from family and friends can be invaluable, and helps to reduce the need for hospital treatment
WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF PSYCHOSIS? While no one person's experience will be exactly the same, the following are symptoms often associated with psychosis that might help you to know when someone might need support: • Difficulty concentrating •D isorganised thinking and speech, switching topics erratically •S leeping too much or not enough • Restlessness • Anxiety • Suspicion, or paranoia •W ithdrawal from family and friends • Delusions • Hallucinations • Depression • Suicidal thoughts or actions GETTING HELP If you’re concerned about someone who you think might be experiencing psychosis, you could contact their GP. Alternatively, if they’re receiving support from a mental health service, you could contact their mental health worker for advice or support. In addition, if you think the person’s symptoms are placing them at possible risk of harm, and they are in agreement, you could suggest taking them to the nearest accident and emergency (A&E) department. Alternatively, call their GP, or 999, and ask for an ambulance. TREATMENT OPTIONS Treatment options for psychosis involve a combination of antipsychotic medication, and psychological therapies. One-to-one talking therapy such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) has proved successful in helping people with psychosis.
Research has also shown that support from family and friends can be invaluable, and helps to reduce the need for hospital treatment. Usually after an episode of psychosis, most people who get better with medication need to continue taking it for at least a year. Generally 50% of people require long-term medication to prevent symptoms recurring. It is only with hindsight that Hira wishes she’d spoken out sooner. Sadly, her words resonate in my therapy room all too often. People can often feel at a loss about what to do, and unable to address their own mental health issues head on. They may feel embarrassed and prefer to avoid taking the risk of being judged. Hira is fiercely passionate about mental health issues. This is proving to serve her well in her recovery, as it provides a healthy coping mechanism for her. In the same breath, Hira has waived her anonymity for the purpose of this article, so that she can help others who may be experiencing their own mental health issues. “People need to start opening up about their own mental health needs,” says Hira. “That way we can help remove the stigma that is all too often associated with having a mental health issue.” As I said to Hira, it takes a courageous person to do this. Hira is definitely one of the brave ones. In my experience, early intervention is key to recovery, as with any mental health issue, including psychosis. I am privileged to witness Hira’s experience, and to be a part of her recovery process. Lindsay George is an integrative counsellor and trained nurse, who works with adults, couples, families, and young people. She specialises in areas including depression, eating disorders, and relationships. Visit lindsaygeorge.co.uk April 2019 • happiful • 45
Community Furniture Aid
Making a house a home A home is where we feel most safe. It’s where we go to recharge and relax. And for many of us, our home – and the things inside it – become an extension of who we are. But what happens when all this is taken away? Community Furniture Aid is the charity refurbishing the homes of those who have been left with nothing, and changing the trajectory of their entire lives in the process
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ore and more people in the UK are living in ‘hidden poverty’ – the poverty that takes place behind closed doors and leaves people in dire living conditions, struggling to afford the essentials. The Trussell Trust’s latest midyear stats revealed that 658,048 people were given three-day
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
emergency food supplies between April and September 2018. But it’s not just about food. Many are now finding themselves living without the basic necessities in life – a chair to sit on, a bed to sleep in, or even light bulbs. In 2014, husband and wife team Julian and Marianne Cash from Pontycymer, in Wales, decided to step in. They founded Community
Furniture Aid, a charity that collects unwanted furniture, and fills and decorates the homes of those most in need. Storing the furniture in an old church, and working with just nine volunteers to distribute the packs throughout their local county borough, the small team are there to give those living in poverty the helping hand they desperately need.
We decided we would be like mum and dad to all of these people, and we would provide them with all the things they would need to set up a home “They contact us and say they’ve got a person who is in need, and we work with them from there to help,” Marianne says. “We meet the clients, and then build what we call a ‘pack’ that’s individual to their needs.” CFA store furniture donations in an old church
LAYING THE FOUNDATIONS “It started when we were volunteering with another charity, which had to close because they ran out of funding,” Marianne tells us. “But we decided there was such a need for what we were doing that we were going to start afresh.” Marianne and Julian spoke to local charities and agencies and asked them what people really needed. The answer? Absolute basics: beds, bedding, sofas, kitchenware. “We wanted to be like mum and dad to all of these people,” says Marianne. “We would provide them with all the things they would need to set up a home. We take all of that worry away so they can actually get on in life.” With Julian and the volunteers out in the community delivering and collecting furniture – and Marianne manning the phones from the charity’s office at the couple’s home – CFA works with 52 agencies across the county of Bridgend, including Women’s Aid, Citizens Advice, probation services, foster services, church groups, and many more.
THE HOME TRUTH From young mums at 17, right up to elderly couples, the team serve people from all walks of life. But demand for the service is on the rise, with calls coming in from further afield, asking for help. Marianne tells us that she has seen a particular increase in the number of calls they get from women escaping domestic abuse – an observation which is in line with statistics from the Crime Survey for England and Wales, which found
a 23% increase in the number of domestic abuse-related crimes being reported last year compared with the year before. “I get phone calls from women who may be thinking of running away,” Marianne says. “I’ve got peace in my heart knowing that we’ve got them somewhere safe. And they know that they’ve actually got a whole home; they’ve got a new life.” But the value of the work they do stretches beyond the life-changing furniture packs that they provide. They are a beacon of hope in their south Wales community, and Marianne tells us that she often takes calls from people who don’t know where else to turn. Continues >>>
Husband and wife team Julian and Marianne consider themselves 'charity ninjas'
April 2019 • happiful • 47
Find out more about Community Furniture Aid and donate at cfa.cymru
“Sometimes these are people who have been living in their homes for some time – months or even years – without any furniture because they’ve been too ashamed to admit to anyone that they haven’t got even the basics, like a bed for their children. But they approach us because we’re not the authorities. “So, I get loads of calls from people who don’t really need to speak to me, but who know that they can phone me, because I’m not scary.” REBUILDING LIVES For Marianne, as she reflects on the people they have helped, one story instantly springs to mind. A man had been living in surrounding woodlands for 20 years, before finally being given accommodation. But the place came completely unfurnished and – though he now had a roof over his head – he still lacked the basics. “So, obviously we furnished the place,” Marianne tells us. “And one of the volunteers took him down a foot spa. Well, his feet had been in the forest for all those years, and so a foot spa would be a good thing!” A couple of months ago he got back in touch with CFA. He’d managed to get a job and was now moving into a larger property. After all this, he wanted to re-donate his items back to the charity in order for the next person to use. But despite the incredible, tangible effect that Marianne and Julian’s work is having, these instances of gratitude are neither common nor expected. “We call ourselves charity-ninjas, because we don’t get to know them
personally, and if you asked them who helped them they wouldn’t really remember us,” Marianne explains. “But that’s absolutely fine, because we’ve done what we needed to do. We’re just there to make their lives better.” AND IT’S WORKING So far, CFA has furnished 350 houses, part-furnished 150, and helped 1,400 people in total. In just a year, Marianne tells us she took about 5,000 calls. But numbers can’t quite portray how profoundly they change lives. “We arrive at a property and it’s completely empty. By the time we’ve finished, they’re there with a cup of tea – because we’ve provided a food pack as well – with the kiddies playing with the toys we’ve provided. Mum and dad are sitting at the table, and it is as if they’ve lived there for years.” “We always think it’s like planting trees. You don’t see it straight away, and it can be quite a long time before you know that it has made a difference. But, when you look back, it’s like looking at a little forest.” CLOSE TO HOME The things that the tiny team at CFA have achieved are incredible. From Marianne, who has Ehlers-Danlos syndrome – a condition that means that she lives with chronic pain – to Julian who, as well as taking the hands-on roles at CFA, is a full-time carer to Marianne and their 23-yearold son who has Aspergers, and the volunteers who Marianne explains all have mental health and physical
We know it works because we’ve never had the same family come back to us twice for help disabilities, this group of people are giving the gift of a home to those who need it most. Though, as inspiring as their work is, it is important to remember that hundreds of people are being left behind in a way that no one in 2019 should. But, in these difficult times, CFA are proof of the power of kindness, and that’s something that we can all be a part of.
'We're just there to make their lives better'
April 2019 • happiful • 49
Birthday special
It’s our two-year anniversary, and we’re inviting you, and everyone who’s been a part of this journey, to join us in celebrating it
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hen we launched Happiful magazine in April 2017, we had a mission in mind: to reduce mental health stigma, and help build a happier, healthier society. Two years and 24 issues later, this goal is still at the heart of every single thing we do. But the truth is, we couldn’t do it alone. We count ourselves incredibly lucky that we get to work with so many inspirational change-makers; people who are driven by a desire to make the world a better place, who dedicate their lives to their cause, who prove that all of us have the power to make a change, and who are open and vulnerable so we can all be, too. Since starting out, it’s been our pleasure to feature so many of these marvellous
individuals and organisations in our magazines. But these people are in it for the long run, and their work continues way after the last copies of Happiful are picked off the shelves. So we got back in touch with some of them to find out more about what they’ve been doing since we last spoke, and this month we’re bringing you a special 10-page dossier devoted to the world-changing work that’s happening out there, right now. From one of our first cover stars, to the people behind agendasetting social enterprises, and those individuals speaking up for what they believe in, join us on
this trip down memory lane as we find out more about the power we all have to make a real difference.
From our first issue (above) to now (left)
Photography | Joseph Sinclair
Matt Johnson For people like Matt to lay themselves bare, and speak out for every man struggling, is invaluable Podcast: The Naked Professors Twitter: @mattjohnsons Instagram: @mattjohnsons
Who is he? Charismatic, charming, and with his soothing Welsh lilt, our June 2017 cover star, Matt Johnson, is a fiercely honest mental health advocate, speaking openly about his own depression and near suicide, as well as the issues young men are facing. What’s he been up to? A presenter, campaigner, and an ambassador for Mind, Matt’s also recently created a mental health podcast with life coach and friend, Ben Bidwell. The pair stand out from the crowd with their honesty, humour, and by not being afraid to expose themselves – both figuratively, and literally. ‘The Naked Professors’ tackle tough topics, from alpha maleness to addiction, but also inspire us all to lead truly fulfilling lives. Why we love him In a time when suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45, for people like Matt to lay themselves bare, and speak out for every man struggling, is invaluable. Matt’s genuine investment in men’s mental health is an incredibly positive breath of fresh air, as someone who really wants to help people, and is doing everything in his power to make that happen.
Ray Dodd raydodd.co.uk Instagram: @ray_dodd
Ray’s work is rooted in feminism and a desire for equality
Who is she? Ray Dodd is a coach who specialises in helping women claim their space. In her own words, this means “existing in the world as you really are” – something that sounds simple, yet in reality is anything but. Encouraging women to stop making themselves small, to stop apologising for existing, and to stop holding themselves back from pursuing their dreams, Ray is an empowerment sensation. What she believes in Ray’s work is rooted in feminism and a desire for equality of power. To balance the scales, Ray believes all women need to believe that they are capable. Capable of taking up space, capable of earning more, and capable of achieving more. Revolutions start with small steps and Ray is leading the way, giving gentle nudges of encouragement to those of us struggling.
How she’s helping Ray supports women through many avenues, including e-courses and her online communities. From charging your worth, to being more comfortable being visible online, her courses are ideal for those looking to run their own business. The community aspect is really at the heart of everything Ray does. You can experience this particular magic by joining her Facebook groups, watching her live talks on Instagram, or attending her first event, ‘Taking Up Space: Live’, on 27 April.
The drive to shine a light on disability fashion is at the heart of everything they do
Wheel design by La Scarlatte
Photography | Sarah Doyle
Who are they? Everyone should have the freedom to express themselves. But for the 1.2 million wheelchair users in the UK, the options to do so are limited. That was until Ailbhe and Izzy Keane, the Irish sisters behind Izzy Wheels – a brand that makes unique, colourful wheel covers for wheelchairs – came storming on to the scene.
Izzy Wheels
Wheel design by Tarsila Schubert
izzywheels.com Instagram: @izzywheels Twitter: @izzy_wheels
What sets them apart? Born with spina bifida, Izzy struggled to find mobility equipment that reflected her personality. When Ailbhe came to do her final project at art and design college, everything fell into place. Her designs became their first range, that went on to sell in 35 countries and win the pair 10 national awards, including Forbes 30 Under 30. Since Happiful spoke to the duo in October 2018, these young entrepreneurs have gone from strength to strength, launching their 2019 collection featuring designs from artists including La Scarlatte, Decoy, and Tarsila Schubert. And collaborators are in no short supply, as they have a waiting list of more than 900 artists who want to design for Izzy Wheels. Why we love them The drive to shine a light on disability fashion, and give everyone the right to express themselves, is at the heart of everything the sisters do. We couldn’t be more excited to see what they’ll do next!
Grace Victory
Who is she? A bopo blogger and force of fashion, as her website and social state, she’s got ‘style and substance’, and both come in abundance. Featured in our August 2017 issue, Grace is the outspoken author, blogger and motivational speaker, breaking taboos left, right and centre – and we love it. What does she stand for? From searingly open and vulnerable blog posts on her journey through sexual trauma, eating disorders, and therapy, to encouraging her community to think beyond the hashtags and awareness weeks to create long-lasting, tangible change. Grace’s words are raw, unapologetic and deeply moving. She speaks out on difficult topics to pave the way for others to know they’re not alone.
graciefrancesca.com Instagram: @gracefvictory Twitter: @GraceFVictory
moving
Photography | JKG Photography
Grace’s words are raw, unapologetic and deeply
Her memorable moments Since we first featured Grace, she went viral for sharing an image of her period blood on Instagram – and lost followers because of it. Her poetic post was followed by a Story reflecting on the fact we still live in a day and age where people are embarrassed by something natural, experienced by half the population. To support a culture that empowers women, she created The Waking Woman (Insta: thewakingwoman). In Grace’s words: “Your higher self has arrived. Step into her.” Defying the critics to put real life, real issues, and real emotions in the spotlight, Grace is a changemaker, groundbreaker, and she’s only just getting started.
Neil Laybourn Neil’s ability to be honest about the needs of men in today’s society, is just one of the reasons we love him
Photography | Joseph Sinclair
Who is he? Neil won a special place in our hearts, along with fellow mental health advocate Jonny Benjamin, on our November cover shoot last year. Although the pair met in the toughest of circumstances, they work together to raise awareness around mental health and suicide prevention, and were the perfect pair to spend a late autumn Friday afternoon with. What has he been up to? 2018 was a particularly busy year for Neil, one in which he had his first child, and was instrumental in the organisation of workplace wellness conference, ‘This Can Happen’, which was a huge success – attended by 750 delegates (including the Happiful team) and mental health champion, HRH The Duke of Cambridge. Plans are afoot for the second ‘This Can Happen’ conference in 2019, with Neil continuing to advocate for healthier workplaces and campaigning for Mental Health First Aid.
Why we love him Neil’s ability to be very honest about the needs of men in today’s society, when it comes to workplace stress, is just one of the reasons we love him. That, and the fact that he has two chickens, Margot and Betty, and is unabashed about his adoration of them!
tchevents.com Twitter: @neillaybourn
Melissa Hemsley
Now we’re cooking Since then, Melissa has continued her podcast, ‘Live Life Better’, and spreads the message about living positively on the planet – penning blogs on purchasing with purpose, sustainable restaurant eating, and working towards a plastic-free kitchen. She recently collaborated on a campaign for Fairtrade Fortnight – including a pop-up hot chocolate salon in Dalston… sounds delicious.
Sharing her feelings of stress and anxiety encourages others to do the same
Why we love her A mental health advocate, Melissa participated in #honestgram last year – highlighting the reality behind our social media squares – sharing her feelings of stress and anxiety at that time, and encouraging others to do the same. A big shout out goes to Melissa’s sidekick Nelly, too – an adorable blue Irish Staffordshire Bull Terrier who frequently appears on Melissa’s ’gram.
Photography | Issy Croker
Who is she? Melissa Hemsley had just released Eat Happy, when we spoke in 2018. Beyond a beautiful, salivation-evoking cookbook, Eat Happy also champions no-waste cooking, loving your leftovers, and how to make your cooking more environmentally sound.
melissahemsley.com Instagram: @melissa.hemsley
Change Please changeplease.org Twitter: @ChangePlease
Who are they? “What if your morning coffee could change lives?” The question posed by social enterprise Change Please is one that will undoubtedly spark interest. Created in 2015 by Londoner Cemal Ezel and Big Issue founder John Bird, Change Please has a vision to end homelessness. With 70 million cups of coffee being drunk in the UK every day, it is utilising our love of caffeine to fuel a social revolution. What do they do? Demand for coffee suppliers is ever increasing, and in the UK alone more than 4,000 people sleep rough every night. Change Please is on a mission to change the lives of homeless people, training them in skills to be baristas, paying the London Living Wage, and aiding them with housing,
mental health support, along with other living essentials. The coffee is available from vans across London, and also available in Sainsbury’s stores as ground coffee. Why we love them Frankly, what’s not to love? Change Please is not only bringing much-needed attention to the homelessness crisis, they’re directly addressing it in an innovative way. London Mayor Sadiq Khan sees their recipe for success too, providing £110,000 in funding in February 2019, as part of a wider campaign to support rough sleeping services across the capital.
Change Please is on a mission to change the lives of homeless people
Hussain Manawer
Who is he? A poet, an artist, an advocate – Hussain Manawer is breaking stereotypes with his work. Whether handing out free hugs on Oxford Street to those suffering from anxiety and depression, or creating videos that challenge cultural norms, Hussain takes the lessons he’s learnt in life, and shares them with us all. The difference he makes Starting conversations in the mental health industry’s blind spots, Hussain discusses topics like cultural differences, the need for education, and masculinity. Coming from east London and citing his mother as an inspiration, it’s the way he delivers his message that resonates. Poems laced with humour, honesty and down-to-earth normality, it’s impossible not to be drawn in. Layering his words with music, vocals and stunning camera work, his YouTube channel now boasts 14K subscribers all listening and sharing his message.
Youtube: Hussain Manawer Twitter: @hussainmanawer
Photography | Performance: Illustrious Music, Portrait: Kevin Scullion
Tackling topics like depression, suicidal thoughts, and grief, his work is refreshingly honest and open
What he stands for Hussain’s mission is to pass on knowledge and to communicate his message to the masses. Tackling topics like depression, suicidal thoughts, and grief, his work is refreshingly honest and open. Watching his videos, it’s clear that diversity and culture are pillars of his activism, shining light on issues we rarely see in the mainstream media.
Deborah James Her Instagram Stories range from brutally honest and heartfelt, to hilarious
Podcast: bbc.co.uk/youmebigc Instagram: @bowelbabe Twitter: @bowelbabe
and today, Deborah and Lauren continue the show Rachael started with them, as well as the close friendship that was formed as a result.
Who is she? Co-host of the Radio 5 podcast You, Me and The Big C, Deborah is the charismatic writer sharing thoughts and advice for others who have joined ‘the club that no one wants to be part of’ – the ‘cancer club’. After the death of great friend Rachael Bland, celebrated broadcaster and creator of You, Me and The Big C in September last year, Deborah and fellow presenter Lauren Mahon, spoke publicly about their love for ‘Rach’, the importance of her work, and the new de-stigmatised conversation around cancer as a result of the podcast. Just days before Rachael’s death You, Me and The Big C reached number one in the iTunes charts,
What has she been up to? Deborah has been nominated for National Press Awards Columnist of the Year for her contribution to The Sun, and continues to talk about the impact of living with Stage 4 cancer – juggling treatment, side-effects, parenthood, and friendships, alongside day-to-day life. Her Instagram Stories range from brutally honest and heartfelt, to hysterical and hilarious. Why we love her Her willingness to talk and say, in her own way, what she is experiencing, feeling, and processing, opens the door for others who are living with cancer to do the same. There’s now a campaign to get Deborah on Strictly Come Dancing. We fully supports this, and looks forward to featuring her in the magazine, raising that glitterball aloft! #BowelBabeForStrictly Deborah is real, fabulous, and we love listening to her and Lauren chat, laugh and raise a glass. We’re raising one (or two) right back at you, ladies!
She has become a beacon of hope for many people
dodie
What makes her stand out? Much of dodie’s music is inspired by her own experiences, and she has become a beacon of hope for many, speaking openly about depression and anxiety, as well as her lesser-known mental illnesses – derealisation and depersonalisation.
Photography | Kyle Jones
Who is she? When we first spoke in December 2017, it was clear that dodie was something special. Already defying all the expectations of an unsigned musician, dodie has gone on to reach new heights. Her career began seven years ago, uploading music to YouTube from her bedroom. Since then, dodie has attracted millions of followers, documenting her life and sharing her music.
Constantly on tour, the music just keeps on coming. In June 2018, she performed ‘All I Do is Dream of You’ from Singing in the Rain for an Audi advert, before going on a soldout tour across Europe and America in September. In early 2019, dodie released her new EP Human, which shot straight to number five in the UK Official Charts, demonstrating her power to normalise the conversation around mental health through her creative musical talents.
dodie.co Instagram: @doddleoddle Twitter: @doddleoddle Why we love her With sweet tones that are bound to soothe any worried mind, we’re confident to say that dodie is one of the most exciting independent artists out there right now. If you haven't listened to her before, stick on ‘If I’m Being Honest’ or ‘Human’; we guarantee these tracks will turn you into a devotee.
MUNROE BERGDORF
MATT JOHNSON
b e t h e r e ʼ l l f e a r
t h e t a l k ,
l e s s
m o r e
we
Allow yourself to feel the love you deserve
T h e
CHIDERA EGGERUE
Choose yourself
Download postcards here
PEOPLE LOVE
IMPERFECTIONS OLIVIA BUCKLAND
Be fearlessly unapologetically you
BRYONY GORDON
c h a s e y o u r h a p p i n e s s
GIOVANNA FLETCHER
KINDER
You can do more than you think you can
DENISE WELCH
SCOTT MILLS
WE SHOULD JUST BE
T O
E A C H
O T H E R
SO, WHAT’S NEXT?
Keep up to date with everything that we’re doing by following us on social media!
There are lots of things in the pipeline at Happiful HQ right now, and we’re practically bursting at the seams with excitement! Here’s a quick run-down of what to look out for:
@happifulhq @happifulhq @happiful_magazine
‘I AM. I HAVE’ Earlier this year, we launched ‘I am. I have’ – a weekly collaborative podcast with our sister site Counselling Directory. Each episode, we speak with celebrities, public figures, and professionals to explore the person we are beyond our mental health challenges.
Listen to ‘I am. I have’ on Spotify, iTunes and Google Podcasts
THE HAPPIFUL APP Our tech-wizards have been working hard to bring you a whole new way to experience Happiful magazine and be a part of our supportive community. Keep an eye out for further announcements, coming soon!
PODFEST FOR MENTAL HEALTH 2019 If you’ve been enjoying ‘I am. I have’, then you’ll love this. On 30 March we’ll be bringing together some of the most prominent voices in the mental health community for day-long festival Podfest for Mental Health 2019, at King’s Place, in Kings Cross, London. You’ll have the opportunity to listen to live recordings of
‘I am. I have’, as well special edition podcasts from ‘The Book of Man’, ‘What I Wish I’d Known’, and ‘The Naked Professors’. Day-ticket holders will also have access to a lunchtime talk with the Happiful team.
All proceeds from these tickets will go to the Mental Health Foundation. Visit our Facebook page for the latest special guest announcements and to book your tickets. We can’t wait to see you there!
Book review
Voices of Powerful Women Author Zoë Sallis shares words of wisdom from 40 of the world’s most inspiring women Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
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ll it takes is a quick look over the current headlines to feel like we are living in bleak times. In our post #MeToo era, power is still held by those who disrespect what is different from their own experiences; the gender pay gap remains; and as a nation, we appear to stand divided, rather than remain united. We’re at a point where we need all of the hope – and courage – we can get. Zoë Sallis’ latest book, Voices of Powerful Women, seeks to do just that.
SO, WHAT’S IT ABOUT?
Featuring interviews with 40 influential women from around the globe, each chapter focuses on a single question. With topics ranging from
52 • happiful • April 2019
their early life and greatest fears, to what makes them angry, who inspires them, and their advice for younger generations, each woman shares her personal motivations and life experiences. Providing a rounded selection of empowering women from different backgrounds, disciplines, cultures, careers, and parts of the world, Voices of Powerful Women shares the experiences of influential women from every walk of life – from humanitarians to Nobel Prize winners, activists to artists.
LIFE’S INSPIRATIONS
The question: ‘What inspires you in life?’ provides some of the most fascinating answers in the book.
Reading the variety of things each woman highlights is not only intriguing, but insightful. While some answers are unsurprising, others may prompt readers to re-evaluate what inspires them personally, as well as what sparks feelings of admiration and determination. Kathy Kelly, a coordinator of Voices for Creative Nonviolence (a campaign of resistance that urged leaders to end the Iraq war and global war on terror), speaks of the lessons she learned from those who “don’t let inconvenience get in the way of living according to their values”. It’s something many of us may know all too well, having allowed, at one time or another, our personal convenience to rule over what we know is right.
ADVICE FOR YOUNGER GENERATIONS
Women throughout the book urge us to realise our potential. We each have a voice Political humorist, entertainer, and author Kate Clinton shares her belief that laughter can provide the best antidote for lack of attention and presence, while award-winning journalist Soledad O’Brien speaks of the comfort that she found in the love from her family, and through embracing the stress and chaos of living with small children. Perhaps one of the most relatable answers comes from Dame Tanni Grey-Thompson, 16-time Paralympic medal winner and holder of 30 world records. “I’m probably inspired by my own self-criticism. I never think I’ve done enough, so I keep on striving to be the best I possibly can.” Great for… • Readers struggling to find motivation or direction • Young adults looking for inspiration and words of wisdom • Individuals looking to learn about strength and courage in its many forms
From encouraging young people to discover their passions and ditch a materialistic modern way of life, to highlighting the connection that can only come from genuine human interaction, women throughout Zoë’s book urge us to realise our potential. We each have a voice. We each have the ability to affect change. Each of us should take responsibility for standing up and speaking out against the injustices we see. Human rights activist, lawyer, and Nobel Peace Prize winner Shirin Ebadi summarises it best: “Have selfconfidence. Don’t be scared of making mistakes. One of the rights of a human being is the right to make mistakes. What counts is to learn lessons from them, and not insist on continuing guiltily on a mistaken course.”
SHOULD I READ IT?
Yes. Yes. Yes. While you’re bound to recognise many of the more mainstream names within Voices of Powerful Women, we guarantee that there will be least one or two others who you’ll want to know even more about. Providing inspiration and hope, Zoë shares the wisdom and experiences of extraordinary women who have changed, and continue to change, the world for the better. Creating an overall message of hope – for the future, for change, for a more compassionate world where strong women are confident to stand up and be heard – if you are struggling to find motivation or direction, Voices of Powerful Women can provide that spark to get you started. For many of us, our goals can seem impossible. We hesitate out of fear we may make a fool out of ourselves,
be judged by others, or outright fail. Reading the stories of these exceptional women opens the door towards taking that first courageous step; to moving towards what we want, despite our fears. To doing the best we can – for ourselves, for our communities, and for the world we live in. Voices of Powerful Women By Zoë Sallis (Watkins Publishing, RRP £9.99)
IF YOU LIKED THIS, YOU’LL LOVE… I Am Malala By Malala Yousafzai (£8.99, W&N) Discover the start of the journey that took Malala from a remote valley in northern Pakistan to Oxford University, as the Nobel Peace Prize winner shares how she was shot while fighting for an education. How To Be A Woman By Caitlin Moran (£8.99, Ebury Press) Part-memoir, part-rant, Caitlin asks all the questions we don’t know the answers to: why does everyone ask when you’re going to have a baby? Do men secretly hate us? And, why are we supposed to get Brazilians? Shrill: Notes From a Loud Woman By Lindy West (£9.99, Quercus) Taking a candid look at everything from fat-shaming and Twitter-trolling, to racism and rape culture, Guardian columnist Lindy recounts how she went from being the butt of people’s jokes, to discovering her own voice.
April 2019 • happiful • 53
How to stop
Automatic Negative Thoughts Writing | Andy Barker and Beth Wood Illustrating | Rosan Magar
Do you have an ANT problem? Does your mind immediately go to the worst case scenario? While there’s nothing wrong with being prepared for every eventuality, spending too much time dwelling on things we can’t change can hold us back from moving forward. Here, Mind Fitness experts Andy Barker and Beth Wood share their insights into how to stop automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) in their tracks...
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t may surprise you to know that almost all of us have a problem with ANTs. Scientists believe we have between 20,000 and 60,000 thoughts a day, but only about 5% of these are spent on the task in hand. The rest is ‘noise’, and a good deal of that is infested with automatic negative thoughts (or ANTs). We all have a tendency to dwell on the past, and to replay situations in our mind that cannot be changed. We also spend a vast amount of time worrying about the future – or more accurately potential futures. But if we can adjust this perspective, we can utilise this time and energy better.
1 Watch your negative self-talk
A common type of noise is negative self-talk – the things we tell ourselves we can’t do, and the list is endless. Our self-criticism can be intensely personal and judgemental; we ‘say’ things to ourselves we would never say to anyone else. For some, this negative self-talk can be like living with a gremlin, who is always ready to leap out and attack. Both past and future noise, and negative self-talk, make ripe pickings for ANTs. One negative thought leads to another, which leads to another. Before you know it you’ve gone down the rabbit hole. Learning to bring your thoughts back to the present moment is key. Visual, aural, physical, kinaesthetic and creative mindfulness exercises can help, such as going for a mindful walk, using the NOW technique to Notice, Observe and Wonder, or writing a gratitude journal.
2 Stop catastrophising!
Try shifting your perspective to keep the ANTs at bay. We all fall prey to cognitive bias – and one of the most common is the tendency to awfulise, or catastrophise. There are, of course, situations where terrible things do happen. But, we also often have a habit of sweating the small stuff, and see comparatively ‘trivial’ situations as worse than they are. Awfulising is one of the strongest ANT magnets, drawing us down the spiral of often increasingly negative thoughts and emotions. Try to get into the habit of recognising the start of this cycle and asking yourself: ‘How bad is it, on a scale of 1 to 10?’ Take a step back from the situation to gain perspective. When the really difficult things come along, for example when facing a bereavement, it is absolutely necessary to allow ourselves time to grieve and feel the sadness. But try to let yourself ‘sit’ with the emotion, rather than letting yourself become distracted by the ANTs that will attach themselves to it.
3 Write down positives
Shifting your perception of yourself can be powerful. For a week, write down the negative self-talk that comes to your mind. Beside each negative phrase, write the opposite – the positive equivalent. Don’t worry if you don’t believe it yet, still write it down. After a week, choose a few to change, and develop a positive affirmation for each, and repeat those sentences to yourself each day.
It works best if it’s present tense – ‘I am...’ rather than ‘I will be...’ – and avoid double negatives, such as ‘I am not afraid of spiders.’ We change our mindset by building new neural pathways related to our new thoughts and beliefs; it takes about six weeks for the new pathway to become the stronger route as our brain always takes the path of least resistance, so give this time to work.
4 Keep doing mindful exercises
One way to repel ANTs is by doing a mindfulness exercise, which helps to reduce stress, and improves our focus and wellbeing. Integrating mindful walking into your daily life is a great way to do this. When we do the same journey every day, it’s likely that we won’t notice much about it. When was the last time you were aware of your surroundings? The sights, the sounds, the smells? Set off on your walk and be aware of your feet making contact with the ground. Is the surface hard or soft? What sound do your steps make? Now become aware of your breathing. Is it steady? Look around you. What do you see? The trees. Their shapes. If other thoughts come into your head, acknowledge them and return to focused observing. A functional walk becomes a restorative event. ‘Unlock You’, by Beth Wood and Andy Barker is out now (Pearson, £12.99). Visit mindfitness.training for more information, and find the book on Amazon. April 2019 • happiful • 55
Ask the experts Lee Valls, psychotherapist and clinical director of The London Practice, answers your questions on relationships and sex
Q
My partner is distant, and her preoccupation with her phone is causing arguments. What can I do to get the attention back on us spending quality time together?
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THE EXPER
TS
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This is a common issue with couples in this Instagram era. Even though you might be physically in the same space as your partner, you’re not always there mentally. A way to address this is to discuss, together, some boundaries around phone use. Maybe you keep phones out of the bedroom, or agree on a ‘phone free’ time? Both partners need to have input when agreeing these boundaries, otherwise it might feel like one person is imposing rules on another, which can cause resentment.
Brought to you by Counselling Directory
Q
Q
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My partner has mood swings. He doesn’t shout, but is passiveaggressive, and when I try to talk about it he says I’m being over-sensitive. How can we have a better conversation about his moods? When having a conversation about something that is troubling you in your relationship, but the other person can’t see this, they may feel attacked. Try to start the conversation from the standpoint of: “This may not be the situation, but this is how I feel…” This introduces the issue as a conversation, rather than what could be seen as an accusation.
Lee Valls is a psychotherapist and counsellor, and clinical director of The London Practice. You can find more information about Lee and his practice on counselling-directory.org.uk
We had our first child eight months ago. My husband and I have been really distant, sexually, since. I’m feeling incredibly unwanted, underappreciated, and unloved. There’s a lot of change that happens when a couple have a child. As a new mum, you may feel that your identity has changed drastically, so the first thing I would suggest is to get back in touch with who you were before you had your baby. Communicate with yourself. What do you want and need? Give yourself the space to understand this. Then, schedule quality time together with your husband. Dress for each other, get away from the domestic situation, and talk about what you both want and need in your new normal. Let each other know what is troubling you.
Counselling Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
Turning my back on booze Lauren thought her daily ‘wine o’clock’ drinking was harmless, until she realised it had become a dangerous habit that threatened to ruin her life. After 13 years, she finally found the strength to ditch the booze, and now she feels better than ever
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Writing | Lauren Derrett
woke up with the familiar sense of shame that followed a night of heavy drinking. Which was, in fact, pretty much every night. My disappointment in myself hit around the same time as the shame, and reminded me of how I’d vowed that I wouldn’t do it again, or only do it midweek, or only do it in the house, or only do it when I was alone. It wasn’t uncommon, in fact it was pretty predictable that I would do all the above, over and over again. The headache and nausea once again driving my promise that I was going to give up the booze for good this time, while desperately trying to push away my very repetitive internal monologue of ‘but you’ve tried and failed so many times, what’s the point?’ I was laying in bed, pretending to still be asleep, listening to my family downstairs. I couldn’t face joining them, knowing that I had a day full of mumming; a day where I would have to hide my
hangover and pretend I wasn’t carrying the burden of guilt and embarrassment from another night of public drunkenness. I shuddered when I thought back to the desperate attempts to not slur my words, trying to maintain eye contact so I that I could pass off as looking interested in a conversation that I wasn’t even listening to – I was too busy trying to stay upright. Had it been glaringly obvious that I was drunk? For those close to me, was it glaringly obvious that I was becoming a drunk? It had been my niece’s 21st birthday, and we were having a family meal. As the night went on, I got drunker and drunker. I was celebrating (not that I needed an excuse to drink, but it did justify it). Whenever I got drunk, I would go overboard trying to look sober. The problem with that was a drunk acting sober is more obvious than a drunk not acting at all. Continues >>>
Lauren’s Story
After signing up for Dry January, Lauren’s life completely changed
Lauren Derrett is the author of ‘Filter Free: Real Life Stories Of Real Women’, available on Amazon, and via her website at thisgirlisenough.co.uk
The problem with that was a drunk acting sober is more obvious than a drunk not acting at all I had started drinking in my teens, but didn’t everyone? It was just at parties, clubs and social gatherings, but not an everyday occurrence, not something that I needed. And then 15 years ago, I had my third child. I had found motherhood really hard since having my first; it didn’t come naturally to me, so by the time we had our third (with the promise that I’d be better at it this time), I fell apart. I felt so trapped by motherhood and the responsibility it brought. I don’t consider my hatred for motherhood and my love for my children the same. The problem was, you can’t have one without the other. Me having children that I loved 58 • happiful • April 2019
more than life meant I had to also have the motherhood. I began drinking as a way to ‘loosen up’, to shed the ‘mum’ tag for a few hours a day. From the birth of my daughter onwards, my drinking became more regular. By the time she was six months old, I would be drinking a bottle of wine a night, feeling carefree for just a few hours. Wine had become my ‘go-to’ happy place; wine had become my addiction. My daughter was a year old when I told my husband that our marriage was over. This was driven by a need to reclaim myself outside of marriage and motherhood, my need to escape. Looking
back now, I’m sure the wine, which is a depressant, also played a part. I split up with my husband and we agreed to share the kids half the week each. The times my kids were with their dad were the times when alcohol really took over. I didn’t want to do life without my kids (can’t live with them, can’t live without them), and so when I was without them, I drank, a lot. I drank until I couldn’t feel their absence anymore. I drank until I fell asleep so that I wouldn’t have to feel the emptiness of the house. I drank until I was in a warm, safe place where real life wasn’t real. I got remarried to a man who also loved to drink. I loved this; it made me feel less guilty, it made it seem acceptable to be drunk every night. He was a high-functioning alcoholic, and I matched him drink for drink. I too became a high-functioning alcoholic – we both had good jobs, you couldn’t pick us out on a line up; we weren’t the picture of the stereotypical alcoholic.
Before too long, the relationship had deteriorated, and after four years together, we split up. I was once again back on my own, but my ever faithful and dependable booze was by my side. I felt it was manageable; until eight years later, and now being married (again) to a man who doesn’t drink, I realised that my habit had gone on for 13 years, and was actually having a negative impact on my life. I was permanently exhausted, my relationship felt like an uphill struggle, and sex was pretty much non-existent. I even noticed that I was seeking negatives in my day just so that I could justify having a drink in the evening. ‘I deserve this’ rolled off my tongue a little too easily. It was finally time to stop. I had tried so many times, but this time I meant it. Was my daily reward worth more than me feeling in control, strong, positive, and sober? I decided that the only way I could crack it was to really give it my all, and make myself accountable.
True LIFE
Lauren now wants to reach out to others and help them take back control
I drank until I couldn’t feel their absence anymore I had to say it all out loud to myself: ‘I am drinking too much’, ‘I need to drink daily’, and the one that nobody ever really wants to admit, ‘I am slowly killing myself ’. That day I signed up for Dry January, telling myself I could just do it for a month. I shared my donation link everywhere I could, knowing that once it was out there, I had to go through with it. I made a pact with myself that the 30 days was non-negotiable, but that I could review it again on 1 February. The idea of never drinking again was too much,
I was going to have to take this slowly, one step at a time. My friend sent me a book called The Sober Mummy Diaries, which introduced me to its writer, Clare Pooley, and a whole world of incredible sober women that I never knew existed. To justify my drinking, I had sought out others who shared the same pattern, and tried to reassure myself that everyone was doing it. Except not everyone was doing it; there was a whole movement of women who have, and are choosing to live, sober lives. I surrounded myself online with these women. I felt I needed safety in numbers, I felt I still needed to feel part of something cool, I needed to replace my tribe. I searched the hashtag #sober on Instagram, and hit follow on accounts of women who had turned their back on the booze, and were loving life. I found Love Sober, a
podcast of two women who knew exactly what it was I was going through. I learnt loads about the health risks of daily drinking which, although it was a really tough read, proved to be quite a wakeup call. It was definitely time that I faced the facts, head on. With this new world, where sobriety was equally cool and equally accepted, I felt ready to quit the booze for good. I’ve now been sober for more than 150 days and have never felt
better. I’m far less negative (I no longer look for reasons to start drinking at the end of the day), I have far more energy, and my relationship is so much better. I feel free. It’s hard knowing I’ll never enjoy a drink again, but the feeling of being in control, the rise I’ve seen in my energy, the freedom from the guilt I carried, all the money that isn’t going to waste, the impact on my health, and living my life with full clarity, are worth the trade-off.
Our Expert Says Motherhood was a difficult transition for Lauren and she started using alcohol to cope with her feelings. Her marriage was a casualty, and although she met someone new, she used alcohol to manage her emotional state. She knew something needed to change, but struggled until she found her online tribe; mums who had become sober and felt that life could be positive without alcohol. Often deciding on the change and starting small is the key, and as Lauren found, having a supportive community really helps. Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) UKRCP Reg Ind counsellor
April 2019 • happiful • 59
Bottoms up! Full of flavour and super fruity, these four non-alcoholic drinks are perfect for any occasion Writing | Ellen Hoggard
W
hether you’re in the mood for a morning pickme-up, plan to impress your partner with weekend brunch, or simply want to get an extra portion of fruit and veg in your life, these drink recipes will do the trick. A typical day may start with coffee in the morning, then water during the day, and maybe a glass of wine with dinner. Perhaps you’re prone to the odd fizzy drink. Whatever your beverage of choice, change can be exciting, and if it gives you extra nutrients and vitamins, as well as a boost of hydration, then even better! As always, taste is personal. If you don’t like an ingredient, get creative and swap it out. Take inspiration from books, cafes and restaurants. Experimentation is key, and if you’ve lost your way, playing around with flavour is a great way to kickstart your love for food and drink. Cheers!
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Experimentation is key, and playing around with flavour is a great way to kickstart your love for food and drink GRAPEFRUIT AND MANGO SMOOTHIE Serves 2 Ingredients 1 small grapefruit, peeled and sliced 1 banana, peeled and chopped 1 mango, halved, stoned and chopped 200g natural yoghurt A handful of ice cubes Method Place the banana, mango, and half the grapefruit in a blender. Add ice and yoghurt. Blend until smooth, adding a splash of water if too thick. Taste. If you want a tarter flavour, use the remaining grapefruit. Place in the fridge for 30 minutes to chill. Serve.
PINEAPPLE AND KIWI SMOOTHIE Serves 2–4 Ingredients 3 kiwis, peeled and chopped 400g pineapple chunks 200ml water 6 fresh mint leaves A handful of ice cubes Method Add the water, ice, kiwi, mint and pineapple chunks to a blender. Blend until smooth. Serve cold.
OUR EXPERT SAYS… Find a nutritionist near you at nutritionistresource.org.uk
BLACKBERRY MINT ICED TEA Serves 2–3 Ingredients 100g fresh blackberries 6 fresh mint leaves 2 green tea bags 750ml hot water Honey, optional
ORANGE AND CARROT JUICE Serves 4 Ingredients 6 carrots, peeled and chopped 4 sticks celery, peeled and chopped 600ml orange juice A handful of ice cubes Method Place the carrots, celery and half the orange juice in a blender. Blend until smooth. Add the ice and remaining orange juice. Blend. Leave in the fridge to chill before serving.
Method Add the green tea bags to a jug. Pour the hot water into the jug and stir. Add the blackberries, mint leaves and a drizzle of honey, stir well. Leave to steep for 15 minutes. Remove the tea bags and place the jug in the fridge to chill for 3–4 hours. Serve with ice.
Blackberry mint iced tea A 100g serving of blackberries will not only provide you with more than one-third of your recommended daily allowance of vitamin C, but also good levels of fibre. If you’re concerned about the environment or unnecessary chemicals, consider using loose leaf tea, or tea bags that are bleach or plastic free. Make this drink vegan by swapping honey for maple syrup. Grapefruit and mango smoothie This could make a great breakfast or post-workout smoothie. By adding a handful of oats you’re upping the fibre and protein content, and it will keep you feeling fuller for longer. Try eating the smoothie with a spoon, or sipping it slowly to help aid digestion. Pineapple and kiwi smoothie This sounds like a really refreshing and cooling drink. Pineapple contains an enzyme called bromelain, which helps ease inflammation in the body. To make the pineapple softer and juicier, keep it at room temperature for one or two days before using. As well as being anti-inflammatory, a few chilli flakes will add a little kick to the drink. Orange and carrot juice Purple, red, yellow and orange coloured foods are especially high in nutrients. In particular, carrots are bursting with antioxidants, which are great for supporting the immune system and maintaining good eye health, while oranges contain high levels of vitamin C. Why not pair this drink with a vegan green stir fry to help the body access the plant-based iron from the veggies? Susan Hart is a nutrition coach and speaker. As well as delivering healthy eating advice to individuals, Susan hosts regularworkshops and runs vegan cooking classes. Find out more at nutrition-coach.co.uk
April 2019 • happiful • 61
Feed the world With all the news about climate change, deforestation, and growing demands on our food resources as populations expand, saving the planet is something we should all consider on our plates... Writing | Rhiannon Lambert
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hat a wonderful world,” sang Louis Armstrong, but fast-forward little more than 50 years and that world needs some care and attention. With billions of people around the globe either malnourished, or eating unhealthily, along with the damage humans have inflicted on our environment, a change is overdue. At the start of 2019, the EAT-Lancet Commission on Food, Planet, Health brought together leading scientists from across the world to define a diet that would be both healthy and sustainable – addressing both the human needs, and that of our Earth – called the Planetary Diet. WHAT IS THE PLANETARY DIET? The key purpose behind creating this diet is to save lives, feed 10 billion people, and all without causing catastrophic damage to the planet.
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Developed by 37 of the world's top scientists at EAT-Lancet, the Planetary Diet acknowledges the changes we can make in our meals to support sustainability, while still getting the nutrients we need. You might be thinking that this diet would consist of turning vegan immediately – with the impact on the climate often being a factor in people deciding to go vegan. So you may be surprised to learn that it does not completely banish meat and dairy. WHY IS IT NEEDED? Today, food production is having a significant impact on our planet. Food and agriculture account for 30% of global greenhouse gases, and in the words of The Lancet: “Global food production is the single largest driver of environmental degradation, climate instability, and the transgression of planetary boundaries.” It plays a role in
Food and agriculture currently account for 30% of global greenhouse gases issues such as deforestation, soil degradation and more. It’s clear that action is imperative, and adopting a diet that is more sustainable than the one at present could have a significant impact on our world. Meanwhile, the world’s population is expected to reach 10 billion by 2050. At the same time, the health of the population is increasingly under pressure from several different forms Continues >>> of malnutrition.
Rhiannon is a registered nutritionist, author, and founder of leading Harley Street clinic Rhitrition
It’s not about deprivation; instead it is all things in moderation, and a focus on healthy, plantbased eating Therefore, food production must increase to meet the needs of a larger population while being nutritionally sound. These two conflicting ideas mean taking care of our planet, while meeting the demands of the human population, presents a significant challenge. WHERE DOES NUTRITION FIT INTO ALL OF THIS? From a nutritional perspective, it is crucial that a diet promoting sustainability for such a large population also meets their health needs. Our bodies cannot function to an optimal level without adequate nutrients, in the form of macro and micronutrients. This is something that the Planetary Diet claims to take into account. EAT-Lancet suggests that the diet will prevent about 11 million people dying each year, by cutting some of the most fatal diseases which can sometimes be caused by unhealthy diets, such as heart attacks, strokes, and cancers. WHAT DOES THE DIET ACTUALLY CONSIST OF? This is a really important question, and one we need to be aware of to ensure we do not become deficient in any vitamins or minerals, which would majorly affect our health. 64 • happiful • April 2019
Plant-based protein
Sustainable fish
Seasonal veg
Nuts
Grains
The main premise is an increase in fruit and vegetable intake, and a decrease in meat and dairy. More specifically: •F or red meat fans, you’re looking at a burger a week, or a large steak a month. •A couple of portions of chicken a week, and a couple of portions of fish a week. Plants are where the rest of your protein will need to come from, with nuts and a good helping of legumes being consumed every day. •A significant increase in fruit and veg, which should make up half of every plate we eat. Essentially the diet is depicted as half a plate of vegetables, fruits and nuts, with the other half comprised of whole grains, plant proteins (in the form of beans, lentils and pulses), unsaturated plant oils, modest amounts of meat and dairy, and some added sugars and starchy vegetables. This Planetary Diet is not about deprivation; instead it is all things in moderation, and a focus on healthy, plant-based eating. For those thinking that going 100% vegan or veggie is the way forward, EATLancet notes that if it were just about “minimising greenhouse gases, we’d say everyone should be vegan”, yet “it was unclear whether a vegan diet was the healthiest option”. SO WHAT ARE THE KEY TAKEAWAYS? Whether you want to ease yourself in to committing to the diet as a full lifestyle change, or just want make some small changes to get yourself started, begin by trying to: •R educe red and processed meat intake, while increasing plant-based proteins, such as beans and soya. •E njoy varied and sustainable fish sources. •C onsume dairy as a source of calcium, iodine, vitamin D and
vitamin B12, as opposed to protein (thus naturally reducing intake). You can also opt for fortified plantbased milks. • Find seasonal and local fruit and veg, and increase its overall consumption. Something local but not in season can still be environmentally taxing, so knowing what’s in season is important! • Increase whole grain carb intake – this ups fibre consumption and lowers your carbon footprint. WHAT IS RHIANNON’S VIEW? My philosophy around food is that we must find something that works for us. Our bodies really are as unique as our personalities, so each of us should strive to find a way of eating that works for us individually. I believe in empowering everyone to embrace a healthy way of living through the food we enjoy, and the life we lead. We must make changes for the sake of our planet, and we could all benefit from some of the changes proposed in the Planetary Diet. But, my role as a nutritionist is to ensure that people are able to make informed, gradual changes to their diets, in a way that works for them. I would never encourage somebody to change their food consumption because they feel pressured to do so. Our diets should be about what we can add in, as opposed to what we take out. Check out Rhiannon’s eBook, ‘A Simple Way To Eat Plant-Based’. Use the code RHITRITION20 for 20% off when you visit rhitrition.com, or follow Rhiannon on social @Rhitrition for daily, free nutritional information and inspiration. April 2019 • happiful • 65
That's my vibe Layton Williams’ life in the limelight began aged eight, when he took on the title role in Billy Elliot the Musical on the West End, before becoming a regular on the stage and screen – including roles in the BBC’s Beautiful People and Bad Education. This year, he takes on his biggest challenge yet as the lead in Everybody's Talking About Jamie, the award-winning musical inspired by the true story of a 16-year-old boy chasing his drag-queen dreams Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
Photography | Michael Shelford
Hi Layton! You opened Everybody's Talking About Jamie at the end of January. How’s it going so far? Amazing. It’s been a bit of a whirlwind, though. On the first night, it was kind of just: “Go.” It was such a short rehearsal period, but now it’s nice to be settled and just get out there to enjoy telling a story. What makes this show different to others? I think people are surprised when they come to the show, because they didn’t realise it’s got such a heart to it. The audience don’t think they’re going to go on such a journey with this young boy who’s just trying to figure stuff out. Everyone can relate to going through that time when you’re a teenager; trying to find out who you really are, and everybody else has their opinions on you, too. It’s just about being unapologetically you, being happy, being free, and comfortable in your own skin. It has a message that says: ‘We are the change. We are this generation.’ And: ‘You’ve got to just grow up, be proud of who you are and represent.’
That feels very timely for 2019. It is. Lots of people are being suppressed, and we’re still fighting for rights all around the world. In 2019, we’re lucky that a boy can be out and gay in school, and can decide to go to prom in a dress in this country. But elsewhere that kind of thing is illegal, or is absolutely frowned upon. We forget that the world outside of our little bubble isn’t as forgiving. Us just being ourselves is actually a form of activism every single day. So, it’s important for our kids in this country, and people everywhere else, to see that we’re not going anywhere. You get lovely messages from people who've felt empowered by the show. That must feel amazing! It’s absolutely beautiful. I’ve literally just come into the theatre today and I’ve got fan mail from little kids. They send me drawings, and young boys and young girls send messages saying they now feel proud to come out to their family, and they’ve come out at school… It’s just like, wow. This is really changing people’s lives.
Did you have affirmation like that growing up? I think so, because I was so young when I got into this industry. But it was different back then. You weren’t able to switch on the TV and see somebody represented like you are now. I lived in a bit of a bubble, so it was different for me. Continues >>> April 2019 • happiful • 67
You were thrown into the spotlight at such a young age for Billy Elliot, what was that like? I’m always so thankful for that show, and the beginning of my career. What better show to play the title role? And now look, it’s happened again! When I got into it at that age, I didn’t think that this was going to be a full career path, I was just going along with the ride to be honest. But I’m so happy that it happened. You also got involved with charities from when you were young, like Stonewall at 17. What made you want to do that? I knew that I was lucky to be in an industry where it was so accepted to be out 68 • happiful • April 2019
Photography | Johan Perrson
Kids do me drawings, and young boys and young girls send messages saying that they now feel proud to come out
and proud. Coming from a small estate in Manchester, it’s absolutely not the same there, so I understand that. I wanted to make sure I could reach out to as many kids as possible, to let them know that they’re loved, know that they can be supported, and know that they’re absolutely fine, and not wrong for being who they are. You’ve spoken quite a lot about being bullied growing up. Was there a turning point in your life where you felt like you could stand up to it? I guess coming to London, finding myself and being free, seeing other people that were like me. It’s just another world here, and I was like: “Oh my God, I want to be this type of boy.” I started dressing differently, I started expressing myself differently. Well, not differently, but who I really was inside. It really freed me up to be a confident person, and then I never turned back.
Anyone who follows you on social media will see that confidence in the form of a young man, loving himself and loving life. Is that a true representation? So true. I try to put out there, on my social media, the most real moments. Like this morning, I got on the wrong train, it pissed me off, so I’m saying: “Oh my God, this is annoying.” Private stuff is private stuff, but I think what I put out there is a true representation of me – it’s not fake. I don’t even use a filter. I just think: “You know what, if this picture doesn’t look cute and I’ve not found the lighting, then I don’t need to be changing this to make myself look better, because that is not me.” There’s another side where you’re using your online platform to call out discrimination and injustice. Was that a conscious decision? It’s a representation of my life as a black, gay man living in the UK. Those things are always going to be a part of my life, you can’t ignore it.
I think even if I didn’t, I would still be vocal about that stuff because if we don’t speak up then who’s going to make the change? Do you think social media has the power to make that change? I hope so. I do get lots of messages, especially when I air my opinions on certain situations. It creates a conversation and that’s what we want to do; we want to open up conversations and make sure we’re not pretending these things don’t happen. So, hopefully, silly people won’t do those things again. So, I saw you did a social media detox for January... Yes! Can you believe? No easy feat! How did it go? Do you know what, it was so much easier than I thought it would be. I mean, I do my odd little story here and there – there’s always some
drama happening in my life – but it’s all just documenting. Once I’ve documented what I need to document, I put my phone down and I get on with my life. So, I just logged out, deleted the apps and it was really easy. It was nice to just not have anyone else’s opinions and anyone else’s voices, anyone else’s stuff, apart from my own, going on in my head. I got some real headspace. Is self-care something that’s important to you? Yes. So, the first thing I do when I wake up is I open my blinds, let the sun in, let the day in, sit there, and do my 10 minutes of meditation. It’s not so much like zoning out, it’s almost checking in to what’s going on in my body and my mind, essentially. And there’s not a week goes by where I haven’t had a massage, truly, because I’m always running around the stage in heels. So, I look after myself. That’s my vibe.
I was lucky to be in an industry where it was accepted to be out and proud. Coming from a small estate in Manchester, it’s absolutely not the same there
'Everybody’s Talking About Jamie' is booking at the Apollo Theatre, London, until September 2019. Keep up-to-date with Layton by following him on Twitter and Instagram @LaytonWilliams
Photography | Dario Valenzuela
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My mother taught me how. to sur-thrive. That’s. my word for it. – CARRIE FISHER
t i t u o b a l l a d a e R Learn to uncover your stressors, create a healthier work-life balance, and overcome that overwhelmed feeling with these stress-busting books Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
1. Meditation For Fidgety Skeptics by Dan Harris and Jeff Warren, with Carlye Adler If you’re even a little sceptical about meditation, this is the book for you. When ABC News anchor Dan Harris had a panic attack live on air, he started his journey towards making mindfulness and meditation more accessible for everyone. Tackling the myths, misconceptions, and self-deceptions that stop us from meditating, Dan and Jeff speak with parents, police officers, and celebrities about why they don’t meditate. Meditation For Fidgety Skeptics offers science-based life hacks to help you overcome your obstacles, and increase your sense of wellbeing. (Yellow Kite, £14.99)
2. The LifeChanging Magic of Not Giving a F*ck by Sarah Knight This best-seller advocates the benefits of caring less to get more out of life. Many of us feel stressed out, overbooked, and
underwhelmed by life. We put pleasing everyone else above doing what’s right for us. According to author Sarah Knight, it’s time to put ourselves first, ditch the unwanted obligations, shame and guilt – and save our f*cks for the people and things that make us happy. Sharing her simple ‘Not Sorry Method’, start mentally decluttering, free up your time, energy, and save your money for the things that really matter. (Quercus, £14.99)
3. Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers by Robert M Sapolsky Combining cuttingedge research with humour and practical advice, Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers explains how prolonged stress can affect or cause a wide range of issues, from depression to heart disease. When we experience stress, our bodies react in the same way an animal’s does physiologically, putting us at risk of becoming ill as time goes on. In the latest edition of renowned primatologist Sapolsky’s book, he reveals new insights into how stress can affect sleep and addiction, as well as the impact of anxiety and spirituality on managing stress. (St Martin’s Press, £10.99)
4. The Nature Fix by Florence Williams From forest bathing to ecotherapy, The Nature Fix sets out to uncover the science behind nature’s positive effects on the brain. In this informative and entertaining book, Florence investigates cutting-edge research, focusing on how nature can improve our creativity and enhance our mood, while showing us all how nature is an essential port of our health, humanity and wellbeing. (W. W. Norton & Company, £12.99)
5. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff by Richard Carlson It’s the little things that take over our lives, steal our moments of calm, and make us feel like stress is taking over. Dr. Richard Carlson shares simple strategies for living a more fulfilled, peaceful life. With the help of small daily changes, start putting things into perspective, and see the bigger picture. (Hodder Paperbacks, £10.99)
April 2019 • happiful • 71
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Breaking free from grief Dipti’s first panic attack was terrifying and, unfortunately, it wasn’t her last. But something good did come from it; she came to understand the unresolved grief she had carried for most of her life. Only then could she find the power to address it
O
Writing | Dipti Solanki
ne minute I was having a lovely meal with my new husband and friends, and the next I found myself lying in a hospital bed, convinced I was going to die. My heart was racing, the world felt like an alien place. I was restless and petrified, I couldn’t breathe. Nothing anyone was saying to me was making sense. I felt as if I was under water – I just wanted it to stop. This was my first panic attack. Looking back, I believe I had experienced undiagnosed depression since I was a teenager. I lost my mum in 1990, when I was aged 13, but then carried on as if everything was normal – or pretended that it was. In actual fact, feeling sad and low for days on end had become my new normal. But none of this, lying in a hospital bed having a panic attack, made any sense. Everything was so good in my life. I’d married my best friend and had a wonderful job.
It was when I went to university in 1995, that I first really started to struggle. I had felt so triumphant; despite all I had gone through after my mum had died, with the support of my amazing teachers, here I was at university, able to enjoy all the freedom and fun that I wanted. The first month or so was fine, but then it all changed. I was only able to go to lectures, and withdrew from everything social. I thought this was because I was missing home, as I was so used to having all my family around me all the time. Things became really bleak and I spent a lot of time crying and in my dressing gown. I felt sad all the time, I couldn’t eat, and felt totally invisible. I remember my sister being visibly shocked at my thin frame when I went home one weekend. I just pretended I was having so much fun that I didn’t have time to eat. It felt like a failure to tell her how things really were. Continues >>>
Dipti’s Story
For Dipti, homeopathy gave her the tools she needed to deal with grief
To the outsider it was the stuff dreams were made of, but looking back I clearly remember a sense of detachment Somehow I got through university – I don’t know how. I never told anyone how sad I felt. I never told anyone that I cried all the time. I never told anyone, because I didn’t understand that feeling like this wasn’t normal. After miraculously getting my degree, I became caught up in the whirlwind of a big Indian wedding in 1998, 74 • happiful • April 2019
which lasted for three weeks! We were then on honeymoon for four weeks. To the outsider it was the stuff dreams were made of, but looking back I clearly remember a sense of detachment, almost of me looking in on someone else’s life. Feelings of dread frequently surfaced, and I had the constant worry that something bad would happen.
That first panic attack in 1999, the first of many, was utterly terrifying. It made no sense to me. I was deeply in love and finally happy with how my life was going. We were dining in a restaurant in the famous St Katherine’s Dock in London, with two of our good friends. Initially, I had just started to feel uneasy and excused myself to go to the restroom. The feeling of ‘uneasiness’ persisted, and I then couldn’t focus on what people were saying; I had the strangest feeling that I was almost out of my body. I thought fresh air would help, so stepped outside. But my legs became totally weak, unable to hold me up, and my husband found me sitting on the floor, slumped against a brick wall. I was terrified at how fast my heart was pounding, gasping for air, and eventually passed out. The hospital told me that I had experienced a panic attack, and assured me that I wasn’t dying. This is when homeopathy entered my life. It really helped by giving me tools to deal with the panic attacks until they eventually went. But I was still unable to understand
why, almost eight years later, I couldn’t experience joy properly – after all, I had so much to be happy about. I felt depressed, lacked energy and confidence, and I didn’t know why. Everything was so good in my life now; it was 2007, I had two beautiful boys, and I had spent three years retraining as a homeopath. The day had come when we were graduating homeopathy college in the summer of 2008, and we had all been asked to make a speech before receiving our Licentiates. On getting to the stage, I thanked my family for being there. I then mentioned my mum (who had died more than 18 years ago at this point), and I became a blubbering mess and couldn’t say much more. Later that afternoon, a colleague and friend pulled me aside. She told me she believed I was still consumed with grief, and that she felt I needed to go through a grief coaching programme. I had been to see counsellors, cognitive behavioural therapy practitioners, hypnotherapists (all I had benefited from), but had never heard of grief coaching. My initial thoughts were: ‘That was all so long ago,
True LIFE
Dipti and her husband Sanjay, on their honeymoon
To find out more about Dipti, grief coaching, and homeopathy, visit diptisolanki.com
Grief coaching helped me to breathe again. It showed me how loss and grief layer up over the years I’ve dealt with that.’ However, I decided to give it a go, and had no idea how drastically it would change my life. Grief coaching helped me to breathe again. It helped me to see how the grief of losing my mother had caused my depression, anxiety, panic attacks, sadness and loss of confidence.
It showed me how loss and grief layer up over the years, and how unresolved loss and grief can have debilitating effects on your emotional, physical, and spiritual health. It enabled me to identify each one of my losses, and then attend to every one of them in a safe and structured way. It helped me understand that my loss and grief was about so many things, including the death of my mother, my miscarriage, and being deeply betrayed by one of my best friends. Unresolved grief can accumulate, and then the mind and body cannot be separated. I have learned that all losses need to be given the respect they deserve, and need to be dealt with in the unique way that grief coaching offers.
Today, I am happy to say that I don’t experience panic attacks any more. I am deeply respectful of my feelings and never ignore myself. I am more confident, at peace, and more optimistic than ever; I have broken free from the prison grief keeps you in. These days, I am very proud to say that I am a qualified homeopath, grief coach, and
life coach. I help people with depression, anxiety, grief, and panic attacks. It’s a privilege to be able to offer hope and healing to people, and it never ceases to amaze me just how many people are struggling in silence, not knowing that the way they are feeling doesn’t have to be their reality. I’m living proof of that…
Our Expert Says Dipti highlights the profound effect grief can have on us. Grieving is a process that needs time and space, if we do not turn towards ourselves and allow our sadness and loss to be fully felt, then symptoms can become problematic later. Dipti gives hope to the many people who are touched by difficult loss, and rightly says it is not just death that we grieve, we lose relationships and other things held dearly, too. Fe Robinson | MUKCP (reg) MBACP (reg) psychotherapist and clinical supervisor
April 2019 • happiful • 75
Setting boundaries when helping people online It’s great to be there for someone who needs to talk through their problems. But taking on too much responsibility for others can bring its own issues. Sometimes you just have to take a step back Writing | Fiona Thomas Illustrating | Rosan Magar
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here was a time when reading the problem page in a magazine seemed like the easiest way to get informal advice on sensitive subjects such as mental health. But nowadays, people look for a more immediate response to their concerns. Instead of penning a letter and sending it off by snail mail, Time to Change, the mental health movement, reports that 47% of people aged 21 and under find it easiest to talk about their mental health problems online. With influencers like Zoe Sugg and Estée Lalonde sharing about their mental health publicly, a lively community of mental health bloggers and Instagrammers has emerged online. But if you find yourself in a position where people are regularly asking you for help and advice, how should you respond? There’s a bit of debate around the subject, but one thing is clear – healthy boundaries are essential. Here’s how to create boundaries to protect yourself and others.
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1 Define your purpose
Whether you’re a registered health professional or a keen mental health advocate, it’s worth evaluating what you initially set out to do online. If you’re helping others as part of your job, then make sure you’re only online during working hours, and if you’re doing it as a hobby, ask yourself if helping others is always your responsibility. Clinical psychologist and Counselling Directory member Dr Carolyne Keenan points out: “Whether it’s online or in real life, sometimes you can become quite invested in other people’s problems, because it’s a really good distraction from your own.”
2 Think about your basic needs
Constant stimulation and information overload can trigger emotional distress. Tune in to your own needs, and think about how supporting others online is affecting your wellbeing. Are you taking your phone to bed when you should be winding down?
Are you waking in the night to check messages? Maybe you’re preoccupied with your phone during meals? Dr Emma Svanberg, a clinical psychologist, explains that a “surefire warning sign is when you’d rather look at social media than connect with people around you”. Make a rule that you won’t use social media when you should be spending time with family and friends. Try using the Do Not Disturb setting to turn off all notifications except important calls.
3 Respond in your own time, and signpost accordingly
Even trained medical professionals aren’t expected to be on call 24/7, so it’s important we acknowledge that just because we can be contactable at all times, doesn’t mean we should be. If you’ll be required to offer emotional support every time you log on, you need to limit that to a reasonable amount of time every day. A good way to ensure this is to assign set times when you respond. It can be easy to feel obliged to answer every
Tips from influencers query as soon as it appears, but this will drain your time and energy. Dr Keenan says that setting realistic expectations about your capacity to offer support is key. She advises: “Just be honest about your human relationship with the platform, that you’re not going to be there 24/7, but that there are lots of services that are.” Make a habit of guiding people to helplines, such as Samaritans, Mind or SANE. If you’re using Instagram, create a post with useful numbers and save it to your highlights reel so that people can find help from trained professionals.
4 Serve yourself first
Think about how supporting others through their mental illness makes you feel. For many of us it can actually improve our mood, but if it’s starting to make you feel anxious, tired or depressed, then you may need to take a step back. Before you log on, think: “Have I served myself first?” If the answer is no, then consider a tried and tested activity that gives you energy – such as yoga, a nap, or a shower. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, turn off all notifications and take some time away from social media.
5 Red flags that mean you need to step away from helping others online
• Scrolling has become an automatic compulsion. • You feel anxious whenever you log on to social media. • You feel a sense of ‘obligation’ to be online 24/7. • You feel unqualified to answer the questions you’re being asked.
Jess (@thefatfunnyone) I limit my response time, and don’t respond after 11pm. I’m open about how I’m feeling, so people know when I need a break – I often see a decline in messages requesting support, and more offering it. Becky (@mother_like_no_other) I provide links and numbers for professionals who can help, and then check in with that person the next day. I find this method really works for me, as I overthink and feel what others feel, which can leave me emotionally drained. Jo (@lobellaloves_jo) I do a #swtichoffsaturday. From Friday night to Sunday morning I delete Instagram, which I find essential for my own self-care.
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CYBER SECRETS
Jog on, dementia
Since being founded in 1981, the London Marathon has raised an incomprehensible £955 million for charitable causes. For the hundreds of organisations that get involved, the annual event is an opportunity to raise vital funds and get people talking about the issues of today
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n 2019, the charity of the year is Dementia Revolution – a one-year campaign that sees the Alzheimer’s Society and Alzheimer’s Research UK join forces to overthrow outdated attitudes about dementia, and lead the charge towards a cure. Here, we find out more about the charity of the year, and the runners hitting the road to make a change.
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
For the 850,000 people living with dementia in the UK, the diagnosis can be life-shattering. Dementia is an umbrella term used to describe different brain disorders that trigger a loss of brain function; symptoms include memory loss, confusion, and problems with speech and understanding. Worldwide, the World Health Organisation estimates that the number of cases of
dementia could triple by 2050. But, together, we can make a stand. Change-through-unity is the inspiration behind Dementia Revolution’s 2019 marathon campaign. To find out more, we spoke to Nina Ziaullah, Dementia Revolution’s campaign manager, about the might of the London Marathon, and what it means to be a ‘revolutionary’.
Photography | Harry: Sean Spencer/Hull News & Pictures Ltd
LONDON’S CALLING “The Virgin Money London Marathon is one of the world’s most iconic sporting events,” says Nina, when we ask what makes the London Marathon such a special event for Dementia Revolution. “For any charity, this level of public exposure is unprecedented, and brings with it much-needed awareness and donations to carry out their work.” The London Marathon named its first ‘official charity’ in 1984, and now partners with one or two charities every year. And the life-changing consequences of this commitment are palpable. For the past 12 years, the marathon has been consistently breaking its own record for the amount of money raised in an annual single-day charity fundraising event. In 2018, runners raised a staggering £63.7 million. THE REVOLUTION “One of the things that makes the London Marathon so iconic is the incredible atmosphere on the day,” Nina explains. “And we wanted to make sure we had a campaign that captured that feeling.” Dementia Revolution is more than just an attention-grabbing name; Nina tells us that they wanted a campaign that would capture the sense of normal people coming together to bring about change. “For too long, people have wrongly believed that dementia is a lost cause, and we saw the Virgin Money London Marathon as a unique opportunity to overthrow old attitudes, and set the record straight,” explains Nina. “From scientists powering groundbreaking research, to people sharing their heartbreaking personal experiences of dementia, it’s all coming together to make a huge difference to our ultimate goal.”
Harry Cullen
George Painter with his grandma
Meet the revolutionaries
Search Harry and George on uk.virginmone y giving.com
Personal stories are at the heart of Dementia Revolution’s work. We spoke with two runners to find out more about what inspired them to tie their shoelaces and hit the streets HARRY CULLEN “When I first found out about my dementia diagnosis, I felt like I was in a vacuum – not knowing where to go, or who to go to for help. I found this really difficult. But running gave me a purpose. “It’s taken a long time, but it’s helped me to feel like I’m coming out the other side and that there’s nothing stopping me. Running is giving me freedom. I feel in control. “I’ve joined Dementia Revolution, and am taking part in the London Marathon because I want to help others. By running, I’m making a difference to other people like me, and that is really special.”
GEORGE PAINTER “Dementia is sadly one of the biggest health threats facing society today. From a personal perspective, dementia has really hit our home hard. My grandma, who turned 90 at the start of December, has dementia. It’s been so painful to watch her memory fade over the years, and witness first-hand how remorseless this disease is. “So this year, I am making a stand. I am pledging to fundraise and run the marathon in order to do what I can to help with Dementia Revolution’s campaign to power groundbreaking dementia research, to overthrow old attitudes, and to lead the charge towards a cure.” Continues >>>
April 2019 • happiful • 79
Stories from the heart
Last year, more than 40,000 people – from elite athletes to first-time runners – took part in the London Marathon. Over the years, hundreds of millions of pounds has been raised for charities, with 750 different British charities involved through the Golden Bond scheme that saves places for charity runners. So what inspires people to take on the gruelling 26.2 miles?
ANTONY BUTCHER FOR THE MS SOCIETY “My journey to the Marathon began shortly after the millennium, in my early teens. I came home one evening to the news that the obscure illness my mum had was Multiple Sclerosis. Over the past decade, I’ve raised £15k for the MS Society. “In 2017, I had my first depressive episode, partly fuelled by the sadness of seeing my mum deteriorate. I survived – dreaming of the day I’d be the old me again. “I’ve learnt two things on this journey. Firstly, it’s OK to talk about how you are feeling – especially for us blokes, who often bottle things up. Secondly, we all have the power to do amazing things. You’d be amazed by what happens when you say yes.” justgiving.com/fundraising/ antonyjcbutcherlondonmarathon
JENNIFER BARTRAM FOR CANCER RESEARCH UK “One night when I was 16, I woke up to hear my mam shouting that dad was having a seizure. After a few tests, it was discovered that he had both lung cancer and a brain tumour. He received some treatment, but by the time the cancer was found, it was too advanced, and he died 12 weeks later. “That was 20 years ago, and cancer treatments have advanced so much since that he would have stood a much better chance of survival now. Cancer Research UK relies on us to keep their research going, and even to play a small part in that means the world to me. “I know that the Marathon is going to be an emotional rollercoaster of a race. My dad would have laughed his head off if he was still around today
We all have the power to do amazing things. You’d be amazed by what happens when you say yes – I wasn't much of an athlete when I was younger. I know that memories of my dad and the determination to help more people fight the disease will get me over the finish line.” justgiving.com/fundraising/ jen-bartram
The Virgin Money London Marathon 2019 takes place on Sunday 28 April. Find out more by visiting virginmoneylondonmarathon.com. Donate to Dementia Revolution at dementiarevolution.org
MARK BUNKO FOR PARKINSON’S UK “Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in his early 50s. The hardest part for him was having to give up working for the company he had owned and run for more than 30 years, and the activities that he loved, including golf and going to watch his beloved Norwich City. “Running the Marathon and being public with my story is helping me to honour my dad’s memory, and also bring something positive from a very negative situation. I have struggled with coming to terms with what had happened, and the way it has affected me and my family, and I’m finding that training and fundraising is helping with that; I’m physically and mentally stronger.” uk.virginmoneygiving.com/ MarkBunko
NATHAN FALLON FOR GREAT ORMOND STREET HOSPITAL “I was born with a congenital heart defect – transposition of the great arteries. Within the first 24 hours of being born, I was rushed to Great Ormond Street Hospital and had an operation to give me a chance to survive. Then, at just three months old, I had open heart surgery, which still only gave me a 50/50 chance. At the time, this operation was rare and the process was challenging for GOSH. If it wasn’t for their courage and perseverance, I wouldn’t be here. “At 26 years old, I am exceeding all doctors’ expectations and I am a keen sportsman. I have wanted to give back to this charity for a long time, and running my first marathon in London seems like the perfect way.” justgiving.com/fundraising/ nathan-fallon
Running the Marathon and being public with my story is helping me to honour my dad's memory Whatever the cause and no matter the time it takes to complete, the London Marathon is the UK’s biggest celebration of both human physicality, and of our generosity. Together, we can take steps to create a better world for all. April 2019 • happiful • 81
Photography | Angelos Michalopoulo
“
Don’t look at your feet. to see if you are doing. it right. Just dance. – ANNE LAMOTT
Finding her feet
Professional footballer Fran Kirby has a magnificent year in front of her, notably with the Fifa Women’s World Cup taking place this summer. Fran talks to Happiful ahead of this major global tournament, and shares her passions, along with her thoughts on depression, grief, and learning to put her own needs first Writing | Lucy Donoughue
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defy anybody not to feel a sense of awe at the achievements and accolades listed in relation to professional footballer Fran Kirby. In the 2017/2018 season alone, she scored 25 times for her club, Chelsea FC, picked up PFA and FWA Player of the Year awards, became the first player to win the female version of the latter, and was also named Chelsea Ladies’ Player of the Year, and Players’ Player of the Year. If that’s not enough, Fran is also a member of the England Women’s Football Squad and will be making her second World Cup appearance in France this summer. As you can imagine, Fran is immensely disciplined. She committed to football from an early age, with her first professional signing for her hometown team, Reading, at the age of 16 – although she had already been playing in their youth team for nine years. Along with her passion for the sport, one of the first things that comes across is Fran’s self awareness. “I talk to myself…” she explains. “I back myself when other people might suggest I’m struggling. I’m the kind of person that reflects on what I think, rather than listening to what others are saying about me. Our game is growing bigger, so you have to accept that you’ll get more criticism along with the plaudits. I’ve had to learn to deal with that quite quickly, and focus on my own opinion.” But along with the praise, Fran admits she can be tough on herself. “I look at everything I do, whether in training
I talk to myself... I back myself when other people might suggest I'm struggling or during a game, and if I’m not happy with how I’ve performed, it can irritate me. So I have to try to level out that self criticism by adding in more positives on top of those negative thoughts.” Alongside her self-talk, Fran is a very visual person with a good memory. A technique she often uses to analyse her own performance, by re-playing, in her mind, moments from a game. This skill, it seems, is a family trait. “My whole family are football crazy, so I grew up watching a lot of it,” she tells me. “My dad would sit there and analyse the game out loud, so I think I picked up on a lot of that. That’s where I learned to know what does and doesn’t work.” Alongside these happy family memories, of course, comes the more difficult, painful ones. The sudden death of her beloved mum – and biggest champion – Denise, when Fran was just 14 was a real mental health challenge for her, and is something she’s been vocal about. Around two years later, Fran experienced a bout of depression.
“That was one of the harder periods for me. It taught me a lot about growing up, and learning to deal with really difficult situations. Obviously my situation was quite extreme. “It was a time where I was feeling down, I wasn’t enjoying doing anything, I couldn’t get out of bed and I didn’t have energy. I think that’s when I began the self-talk.” Fran stopped playing football for a while, but did start to go the gym, and trained on the treadmill. “I’d just run, run, run, and then when I got off, I would feel so much better.” Continues >>> April 2019 • happiful • 83
The Fifa Women’s World Cup France 2019 starts on 7 June. England play their first game, against Scotland, on Sunday 9 June at 5pm
By doing the small things, getting out and exercising, Fran believes she was telling herself to start living life again. This depressive period was an important catalyst for her to stop and reflect on the grief, and to address her thoughts about her own future. “I had fallen out of love with football, because I was so down,” Fran says. “I needed to get back to ‘normal’. Football had taken over my life. When mum passed away, I went to school two days later and straight back to playing. I didn’t give myself time to acknowledge and accept what happened. I think that’s why there was such a delay in grieving.” But when she did stop to acknowledge her emotions, Fran was able to come out the other side with a more positive attitude towards the beautiful game. Now, memories of her mum drive her forward. “I think that her belief in me was one of the biggest things that helped with what I was going through. She wrote me a birthday card that said I would be going to the World Cup – and that definitely motivated me. I knew I had to get to a World Cup, I had to live the dream that my mum told everyone about.” While she’s worked through that initial grief, emotionally it can still be tough. “Being able to do what she wanted me to do, even when it’s going great, can be hard. We won the double last year, I won individual awards too, and the one person I wanted to pick up the phone to was my mum. It does still creep up on you, but now I can see it in a more positive light than negative.” Fran has certainly achieved all that her mum hoped she would, and more. This year will be her second World Cup, after playing in Canada 2015 where she scored for her country at the age of 22. “I will never forget the feeling when I scored at the World Cup. That was just…” she trails off.
I knew I had to live the dream my mum told everyone about Now, Fran wants other girls to know that feeling, by inspiring them to play. “Five years ago, being a professional footballer wasn’t really happening for women. Now there are professional teams, we want to inspire girls to play, and not only that, we want to change the game so that the girls coming through have the best possible opportunities. “We’ll speak up when we don’t agree with something, so the next generation don’t have to. We want to change the way that people talk about women footballers; we want to change every detail that it needs to make it as professional as possible.” And what areas in particular would Fran like to see change this year? “More media coverage of women’s football, greater accessibility for people to come and watch, and more information about when games are on – promote it on TV when the men are playing,” she replies immediately.
And on a personal level, what does the future hold? “I want to keep playing well for Chelsea, and win the World Cup for England. That’s every kid’s dream growing up.” She pauses. “I want to improve not only as a professional footballer, but as a person, too. Sometimes people see you just as a footballer, and they need to know we’re human beings. That’s important for young girls coming into the game; they need to know we go through trauma too, like I did, and that’s OK as well.” Follow Fran on Instagram @frankirby, and her England squad @lionesses Find out more about women’s football, at thefa.com/womens-girls-football
Photography | Candice Picard
The weather has a real effect on. . our mood; 13.9°C is thought to be. the ideal temperature for happiness.
An outburst of emotions
For Sara, the past year of her life has certainly been a tumultuous one. After going through severe meningitis, not once but four times, and developing epilepsy, she’s learnt about what truly matters to her Writing | Sara Steele
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t was Christmas Day. I was walking around Old Town in Stockholm when suddenly it felt like my head, neck and spine were about to explode. I rushed home, and went straight to bed in complete delirium, when my roommate found me and instantly called for an ambulance. In what felt like mere moments later, I found myself in intensive care, diagnosed with severe meningitis and encephalitis – an hour later it would’ve been too late, the doctor said. I only remember fragments of what happened. Having my blood pressure taken and feeling like my arm would burst. The agonising lumbar puncture. And finally, when I stopped breathing. I could hear my mother’s voice calling my name while clawing my arm, trying to wake me up. But I didn’t. The following three days, I was stuck in a nightmare on a loop. I was being swept through
landscapes and obscure underworlds where my loved ones’ faces would be distorted into demonic figures, trying to take me with them to a ‘better place’. I had been put under a medically induced coma. When I woke up, I was still in bad shape and had to spend the next two and a half weeks in the hospital on medication and under constant observation. I never knew how much I had underestimated walking my dog, or doing the dishes. After what felt like an eternity, I was finally allowed to go home. I’ve never been a person who is good at taking it easy – even three or four parallel projects make me feel restless. And now I wasn’t allowed to stimulate my brain, or actually do anything. Not even read a book, just rest. I tried my best to do so. I left my dog with a friend. I planted seeds in my kitchen and I watched them grow. Continues >>>
Sara’s Story
Sara feels that what she’s been through has helped her to become a better person
I found myself in intensive care, diagnosed with severe meningitis and encephalitis – an hour later it would’ve been too late, the doctor said
I had home visits from the rehabilitation centre three times a week. That was it. It drove me absolutely crazy. Three weeks after I left the hospital, it was my 28th birthday, and my sisters took me out to celebrate. I hadn’t been very social for a long time, and I was happy to leave the house and just feel like things were going back to normal. That same evening, my sister and a couple of friends 88 • happiful • April 2019
came back to my house and we stayed up for a while and talked. Beep… Beep… Beep… A familiar noise. Beep… Beep… Beep… I was back in the hospital. I was told I had some kind of seizure and blacked out, so my sister called for an ambulance. What I initially thought would be the first and last time, was actually just the tip of the iceberg. The meningitis was back, but this time I was also diagnosed with epilepsy – a result of my first infection. I was back in treatment for only a few days this time, before being sent home again. Over the course of the following month I experienced regular seizures, and my spirit was gradually sinking. My temper had changed – with blackouts, emotional breakdowns, and complete fatigue.
I stopped drinking as soon as I knew about my condition, became vegan, took every supplement I could, and was on several types of medication. My body and mind were a mess. In March 2018, the third wave of meningitis came. This wasn’t ‘supposed’ to happen. I felt desperate. I didn’t know who I was anymore. The doctors didn’t know what to do. My whole persona was based on always being on the move, going on adventures, being creative and social. Now, all I felt was apathy. I couldn’t eat because of the all the medication. I didn’t want to see anyone. I told people to stop calling and texting. I isolated myself. Shortly afterwards, I was put on antidepressants and began having cognitive behavioural therapy. Another month passed, and I was still hiding in my
apartment that had started to feel more like a prison. During my next checkup, the doctor wanted to do a final lumbar puncture, just to just make sure there were no active cells left. She called that same afternoon and said: “Sara, I need you to check yourself in again…” It was my fourth wave of meningitis. This time around was by far the worst time of them all. Shuffled through different wards, CAT scans, EEGs – test after test, seizures, no sleep, and more seizures. I spent two more weeks in the hospital, and was put in touch with a specialist who finally seemed to have some answers. We kept in touch, and I still go to her for regular checkups – and so far, no more relapses. I’m slowly coming to terms with what actually happened over the past year, wrapping my head around being so close to death, and being robbed of my identity and freedom.
True LIFE
Photography | Kari Jay
Sara’s album was written and recorded during the period she was sick
You can find out more about STEELE and listen to her album at iamsteele.com
But also realising how many people actually care, and how much your body and mind can endure – it’s all very overwhelming, and incredibly enlightening. I feel like I’ve been so incredibly lucky. Epilepsy, and all that comes with that, is a small price to pay for your life. I really do believe that things happen for a reason. You might think it sounds like a cliché, but all things – good and bad – dictate the path you should be on. And I know now I wasn’t supposed to bend over backwards to prove something, or to please others. I was supposed to lose myself, and the people who then left, they were always going to be temporary.
Instead, I made room for a new self. I started taking serious care of myself, both physically and emotionally. I stopped doing things that made me unhappy. I pursued the things I wanted to do rather than listening to judgemental and toxic remarks. I sought out support with people in similar positions, and got so much love back. I learnt that ‘no’ is the best word in the world. I wrote and recorded music during my time being sick that ended up being my debut album Paroxysm, under my stage name STEELE. ‘Paroxysm’ means ‘an outburst of emotions’. I guess that kind of sums it up. Being a musician, I know I’m
I’m slowly coming to terms with what happened. But also realising how many people actually care, and how much your body and mind can endure – it’s all incredibly enlightening bound to encounter all of the stereotypical situations like parties, alcohol, drugs – basically everything that’s bad for my condition. But I somehow have this sense of empowerment by my anti-rock star approach to be honest.
Not only do I feel like a better person, but it has certainly added depth and substance, to both my behaviour, as well as my music. And all of this happened just a few months ago – imagine how I’ll feel in a few years time?
Our Expert Says Sara tells a harrowing story of a recurring, life-threatening illness that turned her world upside down. It is inspiring to read about the way she has made room for her deeper self and is investing in relationships and activities that enrich and nourish her. Her story is a reminder of the importance of mindful attention to the gift of life and health, and the rightness of trusting our wisdom about who and what we find fulfils us. Fe Robinson | MUKCP (reg) MBACP (reg) psychotherapist and clinical supervisor
April 2019 • happiful • 89
nM E NTA L
H E A LT Hn
Matters
Best-selling author Lacey London shows the world what it’s like to live with anxiety through her characters. Now, she’s giving us insight into her own story People I find inspiring online are… the ones who speak out about their mental health. We’ve come a long way in removing the taboo from matters of the mind, but we still have a way to go. Standing tall, and speaking out about what you are going through, is the best thing we can do to normalise it.
Mental health matters to me because… fighting anxiety made me realise just how debilitating mental health matters can be. Before my first panic attack, mental health wasn’t really something I thought about, but once anxiety crept into my life, I couldn’t think of anything else. It made me open my eyes to the fact that everyone you meet may be fighting a battle you know nothing about. When I need support I… used to seek comfort from my parents, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve discovered that being my own hero when anxiety strikes is my best tactic in defeating a panic attack before it gets off the ground. Speaking out and asking for help when you need it is the most commendable thing you can do. But, learning to have confidence in your own ability to control your anxiety is a priceless tool. I am a firm believer that there is a superhero in all of us.
We just need a sprinkle of faith to discover our capes. When I need some self-care, I… take myself for a walk. I’m lucky enough to live close to some incredible countryside walks, so when I feel particularly anxious, or recognise the tell-tale signs of an impending panic attack, I pop my trainers on and get outside. The fresh air and feeling of escaping the hustle and bustle of the world help me to put things into perspective. The books I turn to time and again are… any by Dr Claire Weekes. Self-Help for Your Nerves is my favourite self-help book for anxiety. When I first started to feel ‘unwell’, I refused to believe that anxiety was the cause of my symptoms. This book described what I was experiencing, and made me accept that anxiety and panic were behind my physical symptoms.
Three things I would say to someone experiencing mental ill-health are… • S mall steps can lead to big changes. Celebrate every achievement, however small, because one day you will look back and realise those tiny steps were leading you to a better place. •Y ou’re brave. Battling your own mind every day of the week takes an incredible amount of strength. Remember this as an example of just how strong you really are. • Th is too shall pass. Storms don’t last forever. Brighter days are on the horizon. The moment I felt most proud of myself was… on the release day for Anxiety Girl. Publishing a book inspired by my darkest moments was extremely daunting, but hearing from readers who have found comfort in it gives me an overwhelming sense of pride, and makes what I went through totally worth it. Lacey’s first book in the ‘Anxiety Girl’ series is free on Amazon Kindle. Visit laceylondon.co.uk, and follow her on Twitter @thelaceylondon
Photography | Charis Gegelman
Typically, in a lifetime we spend. 21 months just waiting for things.. Don’t waste another minute. December 2018 • happiful • 91
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