Happiful April 2020 by Happiful

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

APRIL 2020 £4.00

OVERCOME

SELF-DOUBT Cultivate that confident mindset

POSITIVE INFLUENCE

THE

kindness EDIT

• Support a friend with depression • Respect our differences • Embrace your body

Saffron Barker on tackling trolls & believing in yourself

Holistic healing

We explore tarot, acupuncture & sound bathing

FIND YOUR

Language has real power, & talking can save lives

How to talk about suicide sensitively

373000

It’s time to put passion first

9 772514

PURPOSE

HAPPIFUL.COM

“

People start to heal the moment they feel heard – CHERYL RICHARDSON

Photography | Sept Commercial

Below the surface It's easy to make a snap judgement. We probably do it 20 times a day – whether by making assumptions about people based on their appearance, feeling agitated by the tone in a WhatsApp message, or even guessing someone's mood by their expression. But appearances can be so deceiving – it's time we started to break the mould with our expections, and no longer jumped to conclusions. Now is the time to put giving the benefit of the doubt into action. It's a classic saying, but it rings true: you never know what someone else is going through. The more we can keep open minds, embrace empathy, and stay patient, the greater the impact on our community. With our April issue of Happiful, we hope to spread the message of how vital a little kindness and compassion can be. Our cover star, Saffron Barker, seemingly exudes confidence, but is no stranger to online trolls.

In our exclusive interview, she opens up about feeling vulnerable, and her responsibility as a role model (p16). We also share insight on how to support a friend with depression (p54), and what you can do for those struggling with their mental health on public transport (p22). Discover advice on changing the public perception of disability (p24), along with a guide to speaking about suicide sensitively (p47). Let's lead by example, and show how much of a difference empathy and compassion can make in our world. Be kind.

W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR

I | @happiful_magazine

Features 16 Saffron Barker

The YouTube sensation on confidence, gratitude, and what it's like to be thrust into the spotlight at just 19 years old

30 Dress to express

We explore the psychology of style, and how it affects our mood

44 Izzy Judd

The author and violinist on creating moments of calm and connection amid the chaos of family life

47 Sensitive subjects

Talking about suicide is hard, but it's easier when we have the tools to do it sensitively

77 Hydration anxiety

When does an obsession with drinking enough water become unhealthy?

The Uplift 8 In the news

Food & Drink

13 The wellbeing wrap

60 Food fantasies

14 What is stimming?

Tapping, playing with hair, or clicking pens are all signs of this sensory habit

90 Quickfire: MH Matters

Tuck in to these easy, delicious recipes from food network Tasty

63 Fight fatigue

If you struggle with low energy, the key to feeling like 'you' again may be in your gut

67 Food on the brain

Life Stories 41 Joanne: emerging on top

GBBO finalist Kimberley Wilson on how what we eat affects how we feel

Joanne's world fell apart when she realised she'd endured years of emotional abuse. Over time, she rebuilt her life and discovered how to thrive

Lifestyle and Relationships

57 Sam: a fresh start

22 From 'A' to 'B'

Stuck in a cycle of drinking and withdrawals, it took nearly getting to crisis before Sam asked for help. But when he did, he began moving forward

87 Shaun: finding my feet

For years, Shaun was in and out of hospital with severe depression. Though when he discovered the power of exercise, his health took an upward turn

Strategies for tackling public transport

27 Drift off to dreamland 28 Holistic healing

Grace Victory explores alternative therapies

35 Strike out self-doubt It's time to back yourself

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Art Director Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator

COMMUNICATIONS

Alice Greedus PR Officer alice.greedus@happiful.com

CONTRIBUTORS Gemma Calvert, Katie Conibear, Anna Gaunt, Ilse Passet, Jenna Farmer, Helen Snape, Katie Hoare, Sarah Young, Joanne Wu, Sam Thomas, Shaun Vos, Gordana Petrović

SPECIAL THANKS

Happiful Hacks

Graeme Orr, Nicola Vanlint, Shakaila Forbes-Bell, Sophie Robin-Wilde, Karen Alexander, Sonal Shah, Dr Aishah Iqbal, Tiina Mokvist, Tasty

24 Challenge disability perceptions

MANAGEMENT

38 Find your purpose

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

54 Support friends with depression 72 Stop people-pleasing

SUBSCRIPTIONS For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

82 Embrace your body

Wellness 50 The truth about acupuncture Our expert answers your questions

70 Wellness weekender

We discover what makes Bath the ultimate wellbeing destination

84 The sound effect

What can you expect from a session of gong therapy? We went to find out

CONTACT

Culture 52 Things to do in April 74 Natasha Devon

The activist and author on how to support young people through their exams

80 Made for men

The book asking men to put wellbeing first

Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY Helping you find the help you need. Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

Expert Panel One undeniable truth is that finding the right help for each individual is a journey – what works for one of us will be different for someone else. But don't feel disheartened if you haven't found your path yet. Our Happiful family can help you on your way. Bringing together various arms of support, each of our sister sites focuses on a different method of nourishing your wellbeing – from counselling, to hypnotherapy, nutrition, coaching, and therapy.

Rav's review Bringing our true self to the world can be a scary thing to do, however, if we are able to do so the benefits can be endless. In this month’s issue, there are a number of empowering articles that enable you to connect with the self, and support with bringing it to the world positively. The guidance on page 36 is particularly helpful, providing tips on how to nurture self-belief. Although it may not always be present, self-belief can be very powerful, and is the key to achieving your personal desires. RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

SHAKAILA FORBES-BELL

SOPHIE ROBINSON-MATTHEWS

BSc MA

BSc (hons) MSc MBACP

Shakaila is a fashion psychologist and founder of fashionispsychology.com

Sophie is an integrative psychotherapist and counsellor.

KAREN ALEXANDER

SONAL SHAH

MSc NTDip CNM

BSc (hons)

Karen is a nutritional therapist with an interest in digestive health.

Sonal is a nutritional therapist, health tutor, and director of Synergy Nutrition.

NICOLA VANLINT

GRAEME ORR

PG Dip Adv Dip MBACP (Accred)

MBACP (Accred) BACP Reg Ind

Nicola is a psychotherapist and performance coach based in London.

Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.

HELEN SNAPE

ILSE PASSET

BSc

B.Comm

Helen is a qualified coach, mediator and mentor.

Ilse is a transformational coach and life purpose expert.

GORDANA PETROVIĆ

TIINA MOKVIST

MA BScTCM MAcS

BA (Hons)

Gordana is a TCM Acupuncture practitioner and director of Acumedicare72.

Tiina is a transformational coach and creator of Own Kind of Wonderful.

Our two-for-one tree commitment is made of two parts. Firstly, we source all our paper from FSC® certified sources. The FSC® label guarantees that the trees harvested are replaced, or allowed to regenerate naturally. Secondly, we will ensure an additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a suitable donation to a forestry charity. Happiful is a brand of Memiah Limited. The opinions, views and values expressed in Happiful are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values. Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only. We work hard to achieve the highest possible editorial standards, however if you would like to pass on your feedback or have a complaint about Happiful, please email us at feedback@happiful.com. We do not accept liability for products and/or services offered by third parties. Memiah Limited is a private company limited by shares and registered in England and Wales with company number 05489185 and VAT number GB 920805837. Our registered office address is Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL.

Find help CRISIS SUPPORT If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org

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GENERAL LISTENING LINES ENTER CODE:

SANEline SANEline offers support and information from 4.30pm–10.30pm: 0300 304 7000 Mind Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk Switchboard Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt

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Visit happiful.com OUR PLEDGES WORDS MATTER We follow the Mental Health Media Charter guidelines for reporting responsibly on stories relating to mental health.

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FIND A LIFE COACH NEAR YOU Search for qualified life coaches in your area, and browse free articles and fact sheets at lifecoach-directory.org.uk

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RESOURCES FOR THOSE AFFECTED BY SUICIDE Find toolkits, guides, and a directory of local support groups by visiting the National Suicide Prevention Alliance at nspa.org.uk

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CONNECT WITH OTHERS LIVING WITH DEPRESSION Join Depression UK's pen-friend scheme, and learn more about living with depression at depressionuk.org

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SUPPORT FOR YOUNG PEOPLE Browse guides for young people and their parents and carers, as well as resources for schools, at youngminds.org.uk

PRIDE OF PLACE We have a responsibility to elevate LGBTQ+ people in our content. That's why we set ediotiral standards for images, contributors, and experts. TAKING CARE OF OUR OWN As a Time to Change employer, we have a series of strategies in place to take care of our employees' wellbeing. Prices and benefits are correct at the time of printing. Offer expires 21 May 2020. For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com

The Uplift

ART

Exhibition explores life-changing epilepsy research Epilepsy affects one in 100 people, and yet the condition is still shrouded in misconceptions. But now artist Susan Aldworth is putting it in the spotlight with her exhibition, ‘Out of the Blue’. Susan had members of the Royal School of Needlework embroider more than 100 pieces of Victorian underwear with individual accounts of life with epilepsy. The garments – including nightdresses, bloomers, chemises – are suspended from the ceiling of Newcastle University’s Hatton Gallery on computercontrolled pulleys that move to mimic the algorithms of electrical activity in an epileptic brain. Commissioned by the Institute of Neuroscience at Newcastle University, ‘Out of the Blue’ explores scientists’ work developing techniques that use light and genetic engineering to control the activity of neurons in the brain – something that will bring hope to many living with epilepsy. “I wanted to make an artwork which would bear witness to the experience of those who live with epilepsy. Everyone’s epilepsy is different, and it was important to bring this out,” Susan tells Happiful. A great move for visibility, Susan’s work is putting an often-neglected topic at the forefront of our minds. ‘Out of the Blue’, Hatton Gallery, Newcastle upon Tyne, until 9 May 2020. Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

LGBTQ+

Diary discovery rewrites gay history

WELLBEING

Dementia charity nurtures a connection with nature Enjoying the great outdoors is a wonderful way to boost our wellbeing and, for the 850,000 people currently living with dementia in the UK, it can even help reduce symptoms. After winning National Lottery funding in 2017, the charity Dementia Adventure has provided more than 500 outdoor activities around the UK for people with dementia. The aim is to challenge stereotypes of what people living with dementia can achieve, while encouraging them to get active, outdoors, and socialise. “It’s been brilliant, a real privilege to be part of a journey and part of Dementia Adventure making a difference to people, and to get the

message about being outdoors to more people,” says project leader Paula Nelson. By training individuals from organisations nationwide, Dementia Adventure is helping people deliver more outdoor activities, adventures, and even holidays for those with dementia – and their carers – as an alternative to respite. One participant at a UK centre commented: “You can walk around the forest and it’s just open space, it’s wonderful, very uplifting.” Sometimes, joy and comfort are to be found by enjoying the simple things in life, no matter your diagnosis. Writing | Kat Nicholls

Allyship and gay history have taken the spotlight, thanks to a newlydiscovered diary. The 1810 diary of Yorkshire farmer Matthew Tomlinson has revealed open-minded views on same-sex attraction as a “natural” tendency. Challenging previous notions about what everyday people in the past thought of homosexuality, Tomlinson’s diary shows that there was a debate about whether people really should have been discriminated against for their sexuality. Stored in the Wakefield Library since the 1950s, Matthew’s writing was prompted by a scandal that resulted in a naval surgeon being ordered to be hanged for engaging in homosexual acts. Arguing from a religious perspective, the diary’s author wrote that any “inclination” towards homosexuality “must then be considered as natural”, and punishing anyone for how they were created would be on par with saying there was something wrong with God. In a time where we are just as likely to read words of vitriol as we are to see messages of hope and support filling social media and news headlines, it’s good to be reminded that questioning the status quo can have a bigger – and longer-lasting – impact than we may realise. Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

April 2020 • happiful.com • 9

“

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams – ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

SLEEP

Lucid dreaming classes put stress to bed Forget VR, lucid dreaming is the original way to immerse yourself in an alternative reality, and now a Norwich-based hypnotherapist is teaching locals how to harness the power of dreams to tackle anxiety. Defined as a dream experienced when the sleeper can control the dream, Leah Larwood, from The Moon Lab, identified the ways that this phenomenon can support everything from our health to our relationships. For Leah, lucid dreams are a way to work through scenarios in a safe, controlled way. But she’s also using her classes to bring solace to new parents in sessions that teach them how to use night-wakes as an opportunity to lucid dream. With 10 years of experience under her pillow, Leah knows first-hand the benefits of this technique. And the science concurs, when a study – published in Dreaming Journal – that taught participants how to lucid dream found that they reported decreased stress and higher life satisfaction. So, whether you’re pondering your next career move, or looking to explore your imagination, it turns out that better wellness could literally be the stuff of dreams. Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

April 2020 • happiful.com • 11

Take 5

Give yourself a few moments to relax and unwind, being present in the moment as you focus on this month’s brain-teasing challenges

Word pyramid

Complete the pyramid by solving the clues below, filling in each row with one letter per box. The trick is that each row uses all the same letters as the row before it, plus one new letter – but the order can change. Time to test your vocabulary! Clues: 1 Breakfast drink 2 Sofa 3 Fairy stories 4 Pale colours 5 Bound documents 6 To put someone you admire on

7 8

How did you do? Search 'freebies' at shop.happiful.com to find the answers, and more!

Fill the grid so that each column, row, and 3x3 subgrid, contains the digits from 1 to 9.

5 8

Sudoku

1 8

1 7

4 5

9 8

The Going up

Diversity FTW! Tesco is now stocking plasters in a range of skintones

wellbeing wrap Get shedded!

A community project in Ireland is giving older men a safe space to get together and access professional physical training. Exercise for Shedders helps to tackle isolation, and improves general wellness.

Good news for those sat at desks all day. A US company has designed a revolutionary new chair for people who like to sit cross-legged. Inspired by yogis, the seat helps to align the spine for a more comfortable and flexible working situation.

LIKE TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT?

White rhino calf born in Dublin Zoo - only 18,000 in the wild

Icons | shutterstock.com, Font Awesome: fontawesome.com

Get physical couples who exercise together are happier

What the cluck? KFC and Crocs: the collab no one asked for...

Universal credit changes linked to rise in psychological distress

Going down

Whether you’re a one-two step, or dance-off champion, the way you move is apparently as unique as a fingerprint. A recent study developed a computer that can recognise people based on their moves, regardless of music genre. But there was one type of music the algo-rhythm was headbanging against the wall with - heavy metal.

FEELING FRISKY?

How many times a week does the average couple get it on? A survey from YouGov actually has the answer – and it might not be what you’d expect. While every couple is different, the results revealed that 11% of respondents had sex once a week, 7% twice, and 9% had sex at least three times a week. It also found that couples in their late 20s were the most likely to get intimate on a weekly basis.

IT MAY BE KNOWN FOR HAVING A GLASS AND A HALF FULL OF MILK, BUT NOW CADBURY HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO LAUNCH A VEGAN VERSION OF ITS ICONIC DAIRY MILK BAR. A LAUNCH DATE HASN’T BEEN ANNOUNCED, BUT WATCH THIS SPACE.

#BEKIND

In the wake of the tragic news of Caroline Flack’s death in February, some positive actions have been seen. #BeKind has been trending on social media, inspired by Caroline’s own words, and bookshops have been giving away copies of Matt Haig’s book, Reasons to Stay Alive, after people offered to ‘pay it forward’.

Hit the hay

Power naps of 30 minutes or less have been proven to increase focus, productivity, and creativity. And now, new There’s research suggests short real power naps could make us in exploring happier, too!

Walk this way

the great outdoors, and one way to get in tune with nature can be with a great soundtrack to your stroll. According to research from the Daffodil Hotel, who reviewed more than 25,000 songs, the world’s favourite hiking tunes include ‘Ophelia’ by the Lumineers, ‘Riptide’ by Vance Joy, and ‘Old Pine’ by Ben Howard. Hopefully a good beat can help you to find your own walking rhythm.

Share the love

We all know what a huge difference the hardworking people of the NHS make to our lives – and now a project from artist Andy Leek is looking to make sure they know how valued they truly are. With his ‘Notes to the NHS’ project, Andy has put more than 600 motivational posters in staff rooms and common areas across the country, with messages such as “You make an impact,” “You make the rest of us feel safer,” and “The work you do goes further than you can ever imagine.” Remember, you can also spread the message by showing some gratitude. A simple thank you goes a long way, and can really make someone’s day.

What is

stimming?

Do you ever find yourself tapping, or clicking your pen, without realising it? Perhaps you twirl your hair when you’re feeling nervous? If so, you could be stimming Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

veryone remembers fidget spinners. For a brief period between 2017 and 2018, it seemed like everyone had one. While most of us saw them as a bit of fun (or a potential playground hazard at worst), many people didn’t realise the impact fidget spinners could have for those with anxiety, ADHD, or who are on the autistic spectrum. While the clamour for fidget spinners may have been and gone, for many of us, other items have taken their place. Whether you’ve ever had a stress ball, or have given in to the current trend for squishies, chances are, you’ve tried at least one stimming-related toy. I rarely go anywhere without my own fidget cube – a small cube with buttons, switches, dials, and a joystick. In meetings, it helps me to focus and release nervous tension; in crowded places, it gives me something to focus on to feel less anxious. But is stimming – short for ‘self-stimulatory behaviour’ – really healthy, and why do we do it?

14 • happiful.com • April 2020

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

WHAT IS STIMMING? Stimming refers to a repetitive action or movement, typically displayed by those on the autistic spectrum. Common stims can include spinning or fidgeting with objects, pacing, repeating noises or words, or hand-flapping. While some people who are on the spectrum may more overtly stim, we all stim in one way or another. We may call or think of it as something else, such as a nervous tick, or refer to it as a ‘bad habit’ we fall back on when experiencing certain emotions like anxiety, or stressful situations. It’s only when that stimming may get out of control that we might notice it. Cognitive research suggests that how much we fidget is linked with how stimulated we feel. It can help both to calm us, and energise us, as needed.

feel frustrated or overwhelmed, stimming can act as an outlet for the tension or unsettled feelings you may be unable to otherwise express.

WHY DO WE DO IT? The different reasons why we stim can be as varied as the types of stimming we do. You might stim to relieve some tension because you’re nervous, when you’re bored, or when you’re having trouble concentrating. It can become a harmless habit that you may not even be aware that you’re doing. Stimming can also be a way to reduce feelings of anxiety, and to feel calmer. If you are trying to deal with an unexpected change or situation, are stressed,

SHOULD I TRY TO STOP? Unless stimming has caused you a social or physical problem, there shouldn’t be a need to try to stop. If in doubt, ask yourself: • Is stimming disruptive at work? • Does stimming cause problems for me, or those around me? • Are my stims dangerous or destructive?

IS STIMMING BAD? Typically? No. Stimming doesn’t have to be something that needs to be stopped or stifled. It’s only if it starts to interfere with your day-to-day life, or if it is seriously impacting those around you, that it could be worth seeing if there is anything you can do about it. If you have developed a stim that is causing you to hurt yourself, or is unintentionally harming you (or others), such as repeated rubbing or scratching at your skin, or biting your nails until they bleed, it could be worth seeking help. With support, you can reduce or stop harmful stimming, or refocus your actions to more harmless, self-soothing stims.

If you’re worried about your stimming, there are some simple things you can try to help manage it. However, it’s important to try to figure out why you are stimming: is

DO YOU STIM? Common, everyday stimming you may not even realise you do can include: • biting your nails • tapping your pencil • clicking your pen • whistling • playing with your hair • drumming your fingers or feet

Stimming can help reduce feelings of anxiety, frustration, or being overwhelmed it because you are feeling nervous, anxious, or perhaps bored? In many ways, stimming is a form of communication. Trying to figure out what you are feeling or doing to cause this unexpected way of communicating, can help you to feel more in control. CAN STIMMING BE A GOOD THING? If you struggle with anxiety, are on the spectrum, or experience sensory overload, stimming can help you to feel calmer, as it offers an outlet as well as a focal point. Next time you find yourself clicking, tapping, or twirling, it could be worth taking a moment to step back and ask yourself: how am I feeling right now?

April 2020 • happiful.com • 15

Cool to be kind

Social media has become ingrained in modern culture – Gen Z probably can’t remember a time without it. But it is more and more evident how vital it is to consider our online actions, take responsibility, and ensure digital spaces are positive and inclusive. Strictly star and YouTube phenomen Saffron Barker embodies all these things. With more than five million following her platforms, being a strong role model for her audience is a responsibility she doesn’t take lightly. In this exclusive chat, Saffron opens up about trolling, being authentic, and the power of believing in yourself Interview | Gemma Calvert

t’s rush hour in west London, and rain pelts down. But as I scurry out of the Tube, it’s not home that awaits, but actual sunshine. My destination is a meeting with Saffron Barker, the vlogging superstar whose lifestyle, family-focused, and quirkychallenge content has amassed a social media following of more than five million. More than 3.3 million subscribe to her two YouTube channels, and she has 1.2 million followers on Instagram alone – jaw-dropping numbers when you consider that just four years ago, Saffron was a school girl from Brighton, who – on a whim – abandoned college plans in favour of uploading videos. When we meet in the dressing room of a photography studio,

Photography | Brian Doherty

Saffron has spent the day on a top-secret brand campaign shoot, and seems older than her 19 years. Oozing warmth, it’s little wonder she captured the attention of Strictly Come Dancing bosses, who signed her for last year’s series to compete alongside pro-dancer AJ Pritchard. It was a savvy career move. Before embracing sequins and sparkles, Saffron was known primarily by 16 to 24-year-olds who watch her online, but after surviving until week 10, and subsequently starring in the Strictly Live tour, she’s sashayed into mainstream media consciousness. “Even grandmas now stop me in the street, which is so cute, I can’t even deal with it!” giggles Saffron. Saffron’s parents Wendy, 46, and Darren, 49, were extremely >>>

A problem shared is a problem halved, and the online community helps you feel less isolated supportive of their daughter’s hunger to build a YouTube career at the age of 15, following in the digital footsteps of the Sugg siblings – Zoe, aka Zoella, and fellow Strictly star Joe – with whom she was “obsessed”. For Saffron, what began with a recording of a family holiday, filmed on her mum’s iPhone using a selfie-stick, quickly expanded into vlogging about her academic struggles as a dyslexic, puberty woes, and her relationships. Her ability to inspire empathy, and the immediateness of the content, is a fundamental reason why Saffron has become so famous, so fast. “I’ve always wanted to be open and honest on my channel; my fans have seen my funny videos, but also the days where I’m not feeling so great. A problem shared is a problem halved, and the online community helps you realise that others may be feeling the same way, which if you’re struggling, helps you feel less isolated.” After a year of vlogging, Saffron had amassed 100,000 followers, was earning a “part-time job level” income from advertising, and realised YouTube could be her career, so opted out of further education and committed to building her brand. For 18 months she vlogged daily.

18 • happiful.com • April 2020

“When I commit to something, I put 110% into it,” she says. Some believe the pressure of disposability, the mood among video creators that younger, fresher talent is always waiting in the wings, is contributing to a growing mental health crisis as YouTubers are unable to press the off-switch. “The biggest pressure is constantly having to produce content, because of the fear that if you stop, people will find another person to watch,” agrees Saffron. “But I wouldn’t say I’ve ever had a burnout. “After 18 months, I stopped daily vlogging, because I was sharing too much. I once told my vlog that my dog was going to the vet’s then someone came up to me and asked, ‘How’s Bella?’ I realised I’d told them everything about my life, and suddenly thought ‘Maybe I should keep more of a balance with what I share online.’” Saffron, who hit one million followers in July 2017, says her fans love any content featuring her family members: mum Wendy, brother Casey, 24, younger brother Jed, 18, and her adorable twoyear-old niece Harlow. Her tribe of supporters also yearn for “anything personal”. So would the girl who was “very much single” during her Strictly journey, and who today remains “very much more single”, expect a future boyfriend to feature in her content? “Not at all,” she insists. “They’d be able to have anonymity if they wanted it. It’s completely up to them, but I’d never push somebody to be on social media.” For Saffron, in addition to “probably once a month feeling the fear of ‘I’ve no idea what to film’”, another challenge is being

a family-friendly YouTuber (she never swears or drinks alcohol in her videos) and feeling the pressure to say and do everything right – an impossible task, she concedes. “Everyone has an opinion, and not everyone’s going to agree with what you do or say, but I’ve always known I have to be careful, because there will be people who take things a different way, and I never want to offend anybody.” As her channel grew, Saffron experienced more and more negativity, from comments on her content or about her appearance, and it reached a boiling point. “I’m normally bubbly and positive, and it takes a lot to rattle me, but I started to feel really upset and less confident,” Saffron says. “I also found myself dwelling on the bad comments. “Talking to my family really helped, especially my mum. She made me remember why I was vlogging – because it was my true passion – and helped me see that I can’t control the comments, only how I feel inside. Something switched in me, and I gained a new perspective. “I’m only human so I can’t say it never affects me. You could look at a thousand positive comments, but that one negative is always going to stick out. Luckily the positive completely outweighs the negative.” Her ability to be rational about comments is, ultimately, her secret weapon to maintaining emotional balance. She also detaches through gym sessions, Muay Thai boxing, and hanging out with her friends. Saffron, who films content daily, and spends three full days a week editing, flashes a look of apology when admitting that social media >>>

>>>

February 2020 • happiful.com • 19

Suit | Ben Sherman, T-shirt | Reserved, Trainers | Lacoste

detoxes never feature in her schedule. “But I have a good balance. I’m not obsessed with my phone,” she says. “I went to Barbados in December and took a break from posting content. A lot of the time social media is portrayed as a negative thing, but I see it as positive, too. It’s a great way to meet new people, and to communicate with my friends around the world.” She’s one of the lucky ones. According to a survey conducted by children’s charity Plan International UK, almost half of all girls, and 40% of boys, in the UK have experienced some form of harassment or abuse on social media – statistics Saffron describes as “sad and shocking”. Her advice for youngsters experiencing online bullying is simple: “It’s hugely important to talk about it,” she says. “Tell your best friend, tell your parents, tell a teacher at school – the chances are they can either help you feel better, or even help stop the negativity.” Since the tragic death of TV presenter Caroline Flack, who took her own life in February 2020, the goverment has called for social media firms to better regulate content to combat online bullying. Does Saffron agree that more needs to be done to protect users from online abuse? “I always think more can be done, and I’m here to help, and I’m open to ideas and ways I can make things better,” she says. “I’ve personally seen both sides of social media – the overwhelming positives, and the fact it’s given me life-changing opportunities. I’ve also received negative comments, and know how dangerous comments can be. Social media can be an amazing, powerful tool if used responsibly.” 20 • happiful.com • April 2020

And on the subject of responsibility, I recall a photo on Saffron’s website of her hugging a fan, who’s wearing a T-shirt from Saffron’s collection that says: ‘Believe In Yourself’. “That’s my absolute favourite quote,” smiles Saffron, explaining its origin lies with her mum – her “best friend in the whole world”, the co-host on her new podcast which launches this summer, and a woman whose faith in her daughter has never faltered. “I think that’s probably why I’ve got to where I am, because I’ve always believed in myself. If you believe in yourself, it shows – and your confidence shines.”

I hope she learns to love herself, and never live with any regrets. That’s something I’ve always stuck by Saffron feels a responsibility to her young followers, and by promoting such progressive thinking, she’s adored in equal part by her fans’ parents. “When they say ‘you’ve changed my daughter’s life’, that’s the best thing in the world,” says Saffron. “When I see messages, it’s rewarding, but when I actually get somebody saying that to me, it’s amazing.” Saffron takes great pride and care in being a positive female role model, sharing what she hopes to teach her toddler niece, Harlow. “I hope she learns to believe in herself, and be who she wants to be. I hope she learns over time to

love herself, and never live with any regrets. That’s something I’ve always stuck by.” For someone who spends her life giving a voice to teens, authenticity is Saffron’s do or die. Her team are bombarded by brands offering advertising deals, but only those she actually loves, including McDonald’s, Beauty Bay, and Primark, get a look-in. She’s evidently sure of herself, but I wonder when she feels most vulnerable? It’s surprising when Saffron turns to her publicist for guidance. She’s apparently “indecisive” and “needs reassurance”. Really? “Yes!” smiles Saffron. “I always have my own mind made up, but I also need reassurance about those decisions. Even when answering this question! I know my answer, but I need them to tell me it’s OK to say it. A lot of people think I’m more confident than I am, and maybe I cover it up.” One place you’d never have known Saffron lacked confidence was on the Strictly dancefloor, which had a big impact on her, from the ongoing closeness she shares with AJ, the “terror” she felt being a dance novice at the start, and her tears when in the bottom two. “It’s like a feeling of loss,” she explains. “Strictly is your entire life. It’s all I did every single day for four months. It meant so much to me. Then it’s gone. It’s so sad when it’s over. “I’m hard on myself,” she confesses. “I should probably think, ‘Saff, you did a really good job’ and celebrate the moment more, but I always just think ‘That’s done now, what’s next?’” She’s indisputably a doer, with goals and an insatiable hunger for more. So, what next indeed?

Over the next two months Saffron plans to buy her own place in London, and, longer-term, she has ambitions to try presenting, and appear on the West End stage. But family is her number one focus, which is why she’s passionate about raising awareness of dementia, the illness that afflicted her great-grandad, and inspired her to run last year’s London Marathon in aid of Dementia Revolution. “My great-grandad’s decline affected my family so much, because they spent so many years creating memories with him, only for them to be lost. “I was nine when he died, but I still remember the effect on my dad. Dementia is so cruel. It steals the person before they’re gone, so the families essentially grieve before that person passes away. My family want to do as much as possible to raise awareness, so it’s great we’ve got a public platform to do that.” And her family members have proved to be her biggest supporters as well. Her beloved nan, Ivy, hadn’t a clue about social media before Saffron joined YouTube, but is now tech-savvy and has her own Instagram account to follow her granddaughter. “I don’t take any of this for granted, and I know I’m lucky, but I also know I’ve worked hard to get where I am,” says Saffron. “I hope I continue this way, because I can’t stop now. I’m having too much fun!”

Subscribe to Saffron’s channel youtube.com/saffronbarker, and follow her @saffronbarker on Instagram and TikTok.

THE MISSING LINK For some, simply getting on a bus or train can be the ultimate challenge, with anxiety and stress leaving them feeling trapped and isolated. But there are strategies and initiatives out there to help ease the trauma of a journey for troubled travellers Writing | Katie Conibear

solation and mental health conditions often go hand in hand, but something not spoken about as much are the obstacles to those struggling to use public transport. Many people with mental health conditions rely on public transport, but find the whole process challenging. From planning a journey or dealing with overcrowding, to rushing for a connection and finding a seat, it can be incredibly stressful. A lack of support, and the accessibility of public transport, seem to be the two main areas that need to be improved. There are, however, many obstacles to people with mental health conditions accessing public transport. We’ve all been in the scenario of rushing for a bus, just catching it, and then fumbling in our bag, purse or pocket for the right change. We can feel the eyes of other passengers watching us, and the impatience of the driver. When you have a mental health condition, it can be difficult to just shrug off experiences like this, and they can discourage you from travelling again. Accessibility problems also include not being able to find a seat, or not having the confidence to buy a ticket on a complicated machine.

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SIGNS TO LOOK OUT FOR: • Rapid breathing or hyperventilating • Sweating • Shaking • Crying or visible distress

Not having access to a car, and feeling unable to use public transport, can leave people trapped in their own homes

The stress of missing your train or bus, or a further connection, puts many people off. Often, it’s feelings of a lack of control that raises anxiety levels. Why has the Tube stopped between stations? Why have we suddenly speeded up? The big issue for many is overcrowding, as crowds, and feeling trapped in confined spaces, are common triggers for people who live with anxiety or who experience panic attacks. For those with severe mental health difficulties, there are also barriers to driving. With bipolar disorder, psychosis, schizoaffective disorder, or schizophrenia, you have to inform the DVLA (Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency) about your mental health condition. If a doctor decides your illness is hampering your ability to drive, you may have to surrender your license. Not having access to a car, and feeling unable to use public transport, can leave people trapped in their own homes, and the impact is profound on someone who lives with, or is recovering from, a mental health condition. Your world can feel like it’s shrunk. It can lead to loneliness and a loss of self-worth, as people may feel they can’t access opportunities, doctor’s appointments or therapy, be part

of their community, or travel to see family or friends. Transport is a vital link to the outside world. But for many, that link is missing. But it’s not all doom and gloom. Transport for London has a number of initiatives to help. For people with claustrophobia and anxiety, it launched a map showing which sections are underground, or have long stretches of tunnels. The ‘Please Offer Me A Seat’ badge was introduced to help disabled people, and those with hidden conditions and injuries, find a seat on public transport more easily. Transport for Wales has introduced the Orange Wallet scheme, designed to help people on the autistic spectrum communicate with staff. Virgin Trains offer Just A Minute cards, that allow people to alert staff that they have an invisible disability. There are also things you can do to manage the stress of travelling. Planning a journey in advance, checking for delays or closures the evening before, and on the morning you’re travelling, will ease anxieties. Allow plenty of time for your journey, to manage unexpected delays. Have a backup plan; is there another route you could take? Perhaps ask a close friend or a family member to travel with you.

HOW YOU CAN HELP OTHERS: • Offer your seat, or ask someone to stand on their behalf. • Reassure them. Stay calm and speak in positive terms: “It will pass soon”, “We’re nearly at the station.” • Offer them water. Mental health conditions often have physical symptoms such as nausea, headaches, and dizziness. • Encourage them to breathe slowly. They should try to breathe in through their nose, and out through their mouth. Show them how, and use the technique alongside them. • Give them space if needed, and try to find a quieter carriage for them. • Accompany them off the bus/ train/Tube if you’re able to. Always seek medical help if their symptoms worsen. Try to avoid travelling around rush hour, or particularly busy times. Check to see if there is a sporting event or concert near your destination, and remember that meditation and mindfulness can help – there are a number of meditation apps available that you can listen to while travelling. More still needs to be done to help people with mental health conditions access public transport, such as training for staff in mental health awareness, or having a mental first aider at stations and transport terminals. Hidden illnesses also have obstacles, and people need assistance that is appropriate and empathetic. Katie Conibear is a freelance writer, focusing on mental health. She blogs at stumblingmind.com and has a podcast, ‘A Life Lived Vividly’, with a focus on hearing voices.

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6 ways you can challenge the public perception of disability The way we treat disabled people within society needs to be transformed – and there are simple changes we all can make to help that important process... Writing | Anna Gaunt Illustrating | Rosan Magar

government survey into the public perceptions of disabled people found that most of those questioned perceived people with disabilities as less capable than the non-disabled. Research by Activity Alliance also found that less than half of people say that they know somebody with a disability, despite one in five of us being disabled in some way. It’s vital that we challenge the public perception of disability, not only to benefit people with disabilities by allowing them to live more fulfilled lives, but to also benefit all of us by creating a more open and fair society. And the good news is there are many, simple ways we can start to challenge and improve the public perception of disability today. 1 GET TO KNOW PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES AS INDIVIDUALS People are different. People with disabilities are different. People have unique likes, dislikes, opinions, and ambitions, and people with disabilities are no exception. Although it’s great to educate yourself on various conditions, it’s even better to get to know people with disabilities as individuals.

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Assumptions that make us less likely to interact with people can prevent us from finding out their stories – stories that can interest us, educate us, and inspire us. Getting to know people with disabilities as individuals can help us to rid ourselves of these assumptions. 2 BE INCLUSIVE OF PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES IN SPORTS AND ACTIVITIES Including people with disabilities in sports and activities can help to

challenge the public perception that people with disabilities are less capable. There is evidence to suggest that the majority of people with disabilities want to take part in sports and activities with mixed abilities. Most people without disabilities also recognise that inclusive sports and activities would help them to feel more comfortable around people with disabilities. Let people know that your local netball team or craft group is for everyone. Make the effort to ensure the first experience of a sport or activity is a positive one, by making disabled people feel welcome, so that they are more likely to return. More inclusivity in sports and activities can help to eradicate the segmented society of ‘us’ and ‘them’.

3 HELP TO CREATE AN INCLUSIVE WORKING ENVIRONMENT It’s the government’s aim to get a million more disabled people into work. To fully achieve and maintain this we need to be more inclusive of people with disabilities. You can help to create this by interacting and connecting with your colleagues. Listen to them, empathise with them, and treat them with respect and understanding. Creating a more inclusive working environment can help to keep people with disabilities in employment, and seeing people with disabilities working in our schools, supermarkets, and hospitals will help to challenge the public perception of disability. 4 BROADEN THE VARIETY OF MEDIA THAT YOU CONSUME It’s so important for us all to see representations of ourselves in the media, as seeing ourselves in films and books helps us to identify with others. We see that our bodies are capable of our dreams and ambitions, as other people have done it, too! There is a need for greater representation of people with disabilities in the media, but there are some great reads, watches, and listens already out there that help to challenge the public perception of disability: Book: ‘Go Your Crohn Way’ by Kathleen Nicholls Kathleen writes about the highs and lows of life with the long-term health condition – Crohn’s disease – with both compassion and hilarity. Read it for the puns!

Film: The Secret Garden A classic children’s book published in 1911, The Secret Garden has been recreated on screen many times. The story follows Colin, who uses a wheelchair and is unable to leave the house due to a psychological disability, but finds respite in the magical Secret Garden. The latest remake, starring Colin Firth and Julie Walters, is due for release in 2020, so there’s time to get excited. Podcast: ‘BBC Ouch’ Hosted by journalists with disabilities, ‘BBC Ouch’ is a podcast that covers topics from accessibility to politics to the arts – it’s both relevant and entertaining. 5 OBSERVE BEFORE ASSUMING PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES NEED ASSISTANCE Assuming people with disabilities need help with the simplest of tasks is a form of discrimination, called ableism. People often assume that those with disabilities must have carers and can’t work or drive, but this isn’t always the case. Wanting to help someone you think might be struggling is a natural instinct, but instead you could first ask: “Would you like any help with that?” And don’t be offended if the person says no. Respecting the independence of people with disabilities can help to challenge public perception. 6 DON’T JUDGE BY APPEARANCE Not every disability is visible. You never know what somebody else is going through. Be kind, always! Anna is a freelance writer specialising in health and wellbeing, and a disability activist. April 2020 • happiful.com • 25

“

Joy blooms where minds and hearts are open – JONATHAN LOCKWOOD HUIE

Photography | Anthony Tran

Sleep sounder tonight Getting a good night’s rest shouldn’t be so stressful. If counting sheep isn’t doing it for you, try these five simple ways to have a more restful night Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

1 WEIGHTED BLANKETS If you find yourself tossing and turning most nights, a weighted blanket may be able to help. Users have reported feeling an increased sense of calm, and a reduction in stress and anxiety. Providing a comforting feeling of pressure, without feeling restrictive or smothering, weighted blankets can create a sense of safety and relaxation. 2 OPTIMISE YOUR ENVIRONMENT Where you sleep can have a surprising impact on how well you sleep. Phones, TV, laptops and tablets are not only distractions, but the blue light emitted can delay the release of sleep-inducing melatonin, leaving you more alert and less likely to fall asleep. Make your bedroom a source of serenity; according to the Sleep Council, setting the temperature to a cool 16–18°C is ideal. Swap out your bedside charger for an oldfashioned alarm clock, and remove unnecessary tech. It may take some getting used to, but soon you’ll find yourself drifting off in no time.

3 THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX Taking a more holistic approach can have lasting benefits. If you struggle to sleep thanks to anxiety, stress, or unhealthy habits, hypnotherapy may help. As well as helping you enter a deeply relaxing state, hypnotherapy taps into your subconscious, allowing for positive suggestions to change bad sleep habits, and can help reduce feelings of anxiety around sleep. But if hypnotherapy isn’t for you, even meditating before bed can help to decrease stress, anxiety and tension, while promoting calm and relaxation. 4 PLAN AHEAD What – and when – you eat can affect both your sleep quality and quantity. Try to reduce your caffeine intake by switching to decaf tea and coffee, or cut back

on caffeine-rich foods, such as chocolate and ice cream, before bed. Having leafy green vegetables for dinner can help to boost your magnesium levels, while avoiding too much sugar in the evenings could keep your blood sugar more balanced, avoiding spikes that lead to feeling wide awake. 5 SET THE SCENE Give yourself time to ‘get in the mood’ for a good night’s sleep. Switch up your schedule – research suggests taking a hot soak around 90 minutes before bed could help you fall asleep more quickly, as this can help change your core temperature. Turn your time in the tub into a chance to unwind with the help of soothing music, or give meditation, mindfulness or wellbeing podcasts a try.

Unconventional ways to heal…wit h

Grace

Our columnist Grace Victory explores the alternative and more unusual treatments the world of wellness has to offer – all it takes is an open mind

olistic therapies often add something incredibly unique and valuable to a person’s overall treatment. Yet, sometimes they get a bad rep – if most of what you know about them is the controversial Goop by Gwyneth Paltrow, some hesitation would be understandable… The Goop site is wellness on speed, selling vibrator necklaces, singing bowls, and turmeric blends. But then a few months ago, The Goop Lab launched on Netflix – a six-part documentary-series focusing on pseudoscientific healing modalities. It featured everything from ‘cold therapy’ – using extremely low temperatures to elevate a stressed nervous system – to experimenting with acupuncture. So, me being me, I sat down, pressed play, and binge-watched the entire thing. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed it. It didn’t feel gimmicky or forced. It was informative, insightful, and reminded me why I’ve often opted for alternative ways to heal, rather than the general Western way.

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For the past five years, I’ve been interested in how our ancestors did things, as well as Eastern remedies, rather than following modern conventions. How did they help period pains? What did they do when they had a headache? It’s also worth mentioning that many alternative ways to heal that are shunned by Western practitioners are usually from African and idigenous tribes and lineages. We would be naive to think that racism hasn’t also affected our healthcare practices. As a child I was always taught the healing benefits of ginger. Sore throat? Ginger. Feel sick? Ginger. Can the benefits ever be truly proven? Who knows, but my gut often tells me to turn to that before paracetamol. My inquisitive nature, and midnight Google searches, opened my mind to energy healing, and plant medicine, and they’ve been a passion of mine ever since. I knew early on in my healing journey that I wanted to delve right in and explore. So here are a few alternative healing practices that I’ve tried over the years, and could be worth exploring for you, too.

REIKI: A system of energy healing that looks to ease stress and illness through ensuring the life energy flowing through us isn’t disrupted or blocked. I’ve had Reiki many times, and each experience has differed. The relationship I have with the practitioner affects the session, so there are some healers I’ve only seen once, and others I’ve gone back to numerous times. Reiki makes me feel like I’m floating, but at the same time as if for that one hour or so, I’m the most present I’ve ever been. Afterwards I may feel energised and aligned, or other times tired and sad – it all depends on what has shifted on a soul level. I really recommend it! REFLEXOLOGY: Encourages healing across the whole body, by massaging areas of the feet, hands, and ears. I first started having fortnightly reflexology sessions in 2016, and have continued on and off ever since. I started going because my feet were sore in the mornings, and

@GRACEFVICTORY

I view tarot as a mirror, and the cards reflect my soul introspectiveness that it brings me – it reveals that so many of the answers we seek, we already know. Without awareness we can’t develop, can we?

Photography | JKG PHOTOGRAPHY

AYURVEDA BODYWORK: A traditional system of medicine, native to India, that looks to connect the mind, body, and spirit to restore balance and encourage wellness.

after a Google search I discovered that you can feel your emotions through your feet. This modality was incredibly powerful for me. At times, it felt more relaxing than a full body massage, and I felt safe with my healer, Rashieda. After a few months my foot pain completely disappeared, and now whenever I feel a slight ache, I know I’m doing some deep trauma work and my feet need TLC.

TAROT: Using a set of tarot cards to learn about the past, present, or future, by asking a question and interpreting the cards drawn. I view tarot as a mirror, and the cards reflect my soul. It’s a really interesting and beautiful way to connect to our lineage and spirit guides. It’s a practice that’s not always understood, but I like the

Ayurveda bodywork, for me, is the most holistic, relaxing, and bespoke treatment. For a few hours, it’s my space to be emotionally held and physically supported by a divine feminine energy. For sexual trauma survivors specifically, it’s important to experience touch in a nonsexual way, and Ayurveda gives me that on such a profound level. From body brushing, to rose quartz crystal cranial massage, it’s brilliant and a luxury I am so grateful to have access to, because it can be expensive! Alternative medicine isn’t for everyone. But it’s definitely worked for me. I think it’s something that should be explored more, and readily available to us all.

Love Grace x April 2020 • happiful.com • 29

W H A T ’ S Y O U R S T Y L E ? We’ve all felt the pressure to dress to impress, but really, we should be dressing for ourselves. What we wear, and the clothes we buy, can impact our mood, and confidence – it’s time we told our own narrative. What story you share is up to you... Writing | Ellen Hoggard

’ve always had an interest in fashion and clothing. From playing with my dolls as a child, going shopping for the first time with friends, studying textiles at university to finally, finding what I believe is ‘my style’, fashion has stayed with me. While I’m no longer interested in working in the fashion industry, the power that our outfit choices can have on our attitudes and feelings completely fascinates me. When I walk into work wearing a great pair of jeans, a shirt, boots, and a trench coat, I feel like I have my life together. I hold my head higher and find myself making better decisions. I’m assertive, confident, and firm. Of course, I don’t always feel like this. Sometimes, I need to be in my pyjamas all day, binge-

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watching a TV series while nursing a hangover. It’s not all glamour. What I find so interesting, is how an item of clothing, or a whole outfit, can change how you feel about yourself. And, when you’re holding your head higher, you appear brighter, and the people around you will likely notice your change in attitude, too. Not because of what you’re wearing (though a compliment never hurts), but because you’re glowing from the inside out. With so many trends, brands, and now the added pressure of shopping sustainably, not all of us will have a reliable, sure-to-makeus-feel-incredible style. Trends change, and while there’s nothing wrong with following them, the power you can feel when you have a wardrobe filled with items that

are truly you, well, it can really be life-changing. To gain better insight into how we can find our style and how dressing can impact our psyche, I spoke to Shakaila Forbes-Bell, founder and editor-in-chief of the website Fashion is Psychology. HI SHAKAILA! TELL US, HOW CAN A PERSON FIND 'THEIR STYLE'? The best route to discovering your personal style involves first acknowledging that your personal style is an extension of yourself. Once you accept this, you need to decide which version of yourself you want to portray to the outside world. Research has found that we all have a dynamic relationship with clothing that impacts the three

different ways we view ourselves: the person you want to be, the person you hope to be, and the person you fear to be. Think about the qualities that make up the person you want and hope to be, the things they do and the places they visit. Do you know anyone that embodies these qualities and lives this lifestyle? How do they dress? Take inspiration from them. WHAT ARE YOUR TIPS FOR DRESSING TO FEEL STRONG AND CONFIDENT? Comfort is key. When putting together your attire in an effort to feel both strong and confident, always make sure that you consider your comfort first. An easy way to do this is by introducing soft shapes and fabrics into your wardrobe. Studies have shown that clothing comfort affects cognitive performance. Uncomfortable clothing is associated with distraction and increased cognitive load, so anything that forces you to lose your focus can topple your confidence. >>> ‘An item of clothing, or a whole outfit, can change how you feel about yourself’

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C O L O U R P S Y C H O L O G Y

Great for: finding calm, peace, inner strength Avoid when: feeling lonely, sad

GREEN

YELLOW Great for: focus, clarity of mind, decision-making Avoid when: feeling particularly anxious, or in an argumentative mood

Formal clothes allow you to think differently. Taking a formal approach to dressing confidently is also advised. Research has found that wearing formal clothes makes people think more broadly and holistically, opening you up to new ideas and challenges. Wearing formal attire also encourages people to use abstract processing more readily than concrete thinking. Concrete thinking refers to the thinking on the surface, whereas abstract thinking is related to thinking in

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Great for: renewal, growth, forgiveness Avoid when: feeling jealous or envious

BLUE

depth. Wearing clothes that allow you to engage in such thought practices is a sure-fire way to build confidence. Black clothes evoke authority. Particularly in work environments, dark and black clothing is a great way to evoke a sense of power and authority. One study found that managers evaluate job applicants wearing black clothing as possessing more integrity and greater moral reputation. Managers or those in higher positions are also encouraged to

wear black, as individuals wearing black clothing can have a greater influence on a group. AND WHAT ABOUT TRENDS? DO WE FOLLOW TRENDS TO FEEL A PART OF SOMETHING? Following trends can definitely make people feel like they are a part of something bigger than themselves. For example, when describing the millennial it-bag by designer Telfar Clemens, the Business of Fashion wrote that the design resonated with “young

You need to decide which version of yourself you want to portray to the outside world

Great for: nurturing, gratitude unconditional self-love Avoid when: feeling emotionally vulnerable

ORANGE Great for: feeling secure and grounded, moving forward Avoid when: overly stressed

PINK

consumers who are looking for something to belong to, not just something to buy.” Research has also shown that wearing in-fashion clothing can make people appear more sociable. I believe that’s because a united sense of style can make us feel like we’re a part of a moment in time. Of course, we’re all different and one of the best ways to express our individuality is through our clothing choices. But it’s not always so easy to see ourselves that way. As Shakaila says, personal style is

RED Great for: feeling energised, boosting mood, creative thinking Avoid when: feeling angry, anxious, or when you don’t want to get noticed

about acknowledging that it’s an extension of yourself and dressing to fit that persona. So why not ask a friend to pick out some outfits for you? Not only is it a fun way to spend time with each other, but they’ll likely choose something you’ve not considered before. Inspiration can come from anywhere, too. It may be that you have a favourite film star or musician, whose style you admire. Maybe it’s Freddie Mercury, Anne Hathaway, or Michelle Obama. What aspects of their style can you take and adapt to suit your own?

It’s certainly a case of trial and error, but learning the tricks of the trade is guaranteed to help you understand the power of fashion, and discover what makes you feel like you can take on the world. So, who are you and what is your style?

Shakaila Forbes-Bell is a fashion psychologist with a BSc in Psychology from University College London. She is the founder and editor-in-chief of fashionispsychology.com. Follow @fashionispsychology

April 2020 • happiful.com • 33

THE HAPPIFUL PODCAST

LIAM HACKETT JOSH ROBERTS

ALICE VINCENT KIMBERLEY WILSON

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Listen to conversations with Liam Hackett, Alice Vincent, Josh Roberts, Kimberley Wilson, and many others who share their passions, and reveal the moments that shaped them.

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I am. I have

Self-doubt can hold us back from fulfilling our true potential, but what can we do about it? We speak to transformational coach Tiina Mokvist to get a better understanding of why we doubt ourselves, and how we can cultivate self-belief Writing | Kat Nicholls

Artwork | Charlotte Reynell

“ can’t do this.” When was the last time this phrase came to mind? For me it was this morning when I was asked to do a live radio interview – they made a mistake contacting me, right? This is self-doubt in action and almost all of us experience it at some time or other. The issue isn’t necessarily the doubt itself, but the way we react to it. As transformational coach Tiina Mokvist explains: “Self-doubt isn’t necessarily a ‘bad’ thing. It truly depends on if we let it control us or not.” This morning I was able to take control of mine but, if this had happened a couple of years ago, I know I would have let selfdoubt win. What this tells me is that it is possible to change your relationship with self-doubt. But in our search to understand how to overcome it, it poses the question – why do we doubt ourselves in the first place? THE ROOT OF SELF-DOUBT The answer lies in our evolution. The reason humans have thrived over time is that our brains protect us from harm and avoid risk. In the past, this was about not risking a fight with a ferocious animal outside the cave. These days the risks we face tend to be less lifethreatening, and more social or psychological – but often they still instill the deep fear and dread.

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For example, with the radio interview, there was a chance I might say something wrong and be embarrassed. My brain, with its tribal mentality, sees this as risky, because it believes I could be shunned and pushed out of the ‘tribe’. My self-doubt was simply trying to protect me. So a bit of second guessing is totally normal, and often we can rationalise and move past it. However, for some of us, our past experiences can make selfdoubt particularly hard to shake. Tiina tells me two factors that can influence this are childhood messaging, and past trauma. “Some of us have not had the support, encouragement, and love that we needed as children,” Tiina says. “This can lead to a deep sense of insecurity in our abilities, and manifest as insistent selfdoubt that holds us back. “And/or, something traumatic happened, an event that shook us to the core and makes us doubt ourselves in everything we do. This can be trauma with a big T or a small t.” Big T traumas are events seen as universally traumatic, such as experiencing or witnessing serious injury, sexual violence, or other life-threatening events. Little t traumas are highly distressing but affect people on a more individual level, and may not fit into the big T category.

As a professional, Tiina has worked with many clients experiencing self-doubt. So what’s the most interesting trend she’s noticed with this? Honestly, it’s the fact that everyone doubts themselves, regardless of how they might appear on the outside. “I have worked with highperforming, high-achieving, confident people who essentially believe in themselves, and they too doubt themselves. They may not let on that they do, and importantly they, at least on a conscious level, do not let it stop them from doing what they want. But still, the doubt is there. “So do not think that you are alone in doubting yourself, or that there is something fundamentally wrong with you.” Tiina has noticed a difference in men and women, but perhaps not in the way we would think. Many of us see self-doubt as more of a female problem, and there are studies to support this, but what Tiina’s noticed is that women tend to talk about it more than men. Whether it’s in the way women talk about achievements and what stands in their way, the self-doubt is pretty easy to spot, “whereas, for men, it is often a bit more veiled. This is possibly due to cultural gender conditioning, and our ideas of what a man versus a woman should be, and behave like,” she explains.

THREE WAYS TO TACKLE SELF-DOUBT RIGHT NOW Tiina says: 1. Talk to someone about it: Sometimes when we keep things inside they grow and grow until we have painted a total disaster in our minds that will paralyse us. Talking to someone we trust helps us get perspective. 2. Keep a ‘boost yourself book’ that you can read when self-doubt hits: This book contains notes about your achievements, great feedback you’ve been given, and events that you felt really good about. When self-doubt rears its head, this book is your reality check – your buddy that reminds you that you are good enough, and that you can handle this. 3. Take action and change your state: As selfdoubt can be paralysing, it’s important to just do something, anything. Change your state. Don’t linger in the doubt.

The way self-doubt shows up in our lives can vary, regardless of gender. Sometimes it’s that voice telling you ‘you can’t’, sometimes it’s more insidious. Tiina says common ways self-doubt manifests include feeling paralysed by fear, difficulty making a decision, a sense of failure before starting something, procrastination, and people-pleasing. Becoming aware of the way selfdoubt manifests for you is the first step to overcoming it. OVERCOMING SELF-DOUBT AND BUILDING SELF-BELIEF Being willing to make a change and acknowledging that fear is there, but isn’t allowed in the driving seat anymore, is the best place to start, Tiina says. If it’s something you’ve been struggling

with for a long time, you may want to call in reinforcements and speak to a professional. Depending on where you believe your self-doubt stems from, a coach or a counsellor could give you the support you need. Talking to your doubt is the next step. “Self-doubt is essentially a fear based on not being good enough, and that fear may need soothing from time to time.” Tiina explains that once the doubt has been ‘heard’ and soothed, it tends to loosen its grip. Thanking self-doubt for trying to protect me is a habit I’ve gotten into, and it’s surprising how powerful showing yourself compassion in this way can be. Getting to know what self-belief feels and looks like is next. Tiina recommends reflecting on times

when you’ve felt confident and in control. Try to recreate these feelings in your body the next time you need a confidence boost, and if you find it hard, think about what someone you admire would do. Finally, it’s important to recognise that all of this takes work, and time, to implement. I am a testament to this – it’s taken a good number of years for me to build self-belief, and it requires ongoing practice. The beauty is, the more you gently edge outside of your comfort zone, the more you prove to yourself that you can do the scary thing – even with fear in the passenger seat. For more articles and advice on nurturing your self-belief, check out our free Happiful app.

April 2020 • happiful.com • 37

How to find

your life’s purpose

It’s easy to feel stuck in a rut, or that you’ve lost your way in life. Even if you’re moving, it’s not necessarily in a direction that sparks excitement and passion… But thanks to some tips from a transformation coach and life purpose expert, you can soon set yourself on a new course Writing | Ilse Passet Illustrating | Rosan Magar

n his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor E Frankl, a psychiatrist held in a concentration camp during the Second World War, found that that the prisoners who were more likely to survive had a purpose to keep them going. Recent studies have corroborated these findings, and shown that living a purposeful life not only makes people happier and more successful, but can also lead to countless benefits, including higher job satisfaction, longer life-span and better sleep. If you’re feeling lost or stuck, finding your life purpose can help you move forward. Find a quiet space, grab a cup of tea and a notebook, and follow these steps to find your purpose. APPROACH THE PROCESS LIKE A CHILD Children are naturally curious, and they approach life without judgement or fear. I invite you to approach this exercise with the same curiosity. Try to minimize any expectations of the outcome, and instead focus on observing insights as they come up.

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SET THE INTENTION TO FIND PURPOSE “Where intention goes, energy flows” is one of my favorite quotes by James Redfield. This may seem like a basic step, but it sends a powerful message to your subconscious, and helps you access inspiration and ideas buried deep within. I also recommend writing down your intention, as this helps it become something tangible, rather than just an idea in your head.

WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU? Write down a list of things that are important to you. Don’t think about it, just ask yourself the question, and write what comes to mind – family, love, independence, fun, the earth, making a difference. WHAT IS YOUR HEART’S DESIRE? What if you didn’t have to worry about responsibilities, chores, money, or your career? If your time was completely free to do what you choose, how would you spend it? When we strip away all

If you’re feeling lost or stuck, finding your life purpose can help you move forward

money out of the equation and focus on the things that truly matter to you. WHERE DO YOU LOSE YOURSELF? Think about what you are doing or thinking when you lose track of time. When are you most in the flow of life? Think about the last time you looked at the clock and were surprised at how much time had passed. Write down the details of as many experiences as you can remember. PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER Take a look at everything you have written. Circle any recurring words, thoughts or ideas that are coming up. What inspired you the most? What images came to mind when you were going through this exercise? The patterns you see will point you in the direction of your life purpose.

the things we ‘have’ to do, we often realise what we truly want. Write down all the answers that come to mind. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE AS A CHILD? Remember when you used to pretend you were a pilot, spread your arms and ‘fly’ around the house? Or you played doctor with your teddy bears? Recall what you wanted to be as a child, and why. Picture a memory related to that dream and write it down.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU DIDN’T NEED MONEY? A lot of people fall into the trap of thinking that money equals purpose – this is one of the biggest sources of unhappiness that I have seen over the years as a coach. By focusing on money as the main purpose, and not a by-product of following their purpose, people get stuck in jobs and relationships they dislike, and eventually burn out. By writing your answer to this question, you’ll be able to take

WRITE DOWN YOUR SHORT SENTENCE Summarise your life purpose in one short sentence: I’m here to _____________________________. Write it down and put it somewhere visible. Finding your purpose is one of the most powerful things you will do in your life. Once you have done this step, I invite you to make your purpose a part of your everyday life, to help inspire you to craft the life you truly want.

Ilse is a qualified transformational coach and life purpose expert. She supports stressed and anxious people increase their confidence and achieve financial freedom doing what they love. Find out more at ilsepasset.com April 2020 • happiful.com • 39

Photography | Felipe Bustillo

“

The earth has music for those who listen

– GEORGE SANTAYANA

TRUE LIFE

Emerging from the past, and embracing myself

Life seemed to all go to plan for Joanne Wu the perfect family, home, and career. But her world was shaken when that perfect vision fell apart, and she realised she’d endured years of emotional abuse Writing | Joanne Wu

ow did I get to this point in my life? How did a girl living her fairytale end up as a woman all alone at midnight, piles of books around her, laptop whirring away, and tears staining her face? How had a happily married mother of two, and outstanding teacher, end up on the verge of divorce, and on the brink of a mental breakdown brought on by stress? I couldn’t go on much longer at this rate. I was making myself sick. I thought I had made it through the worst of times. I was strong, I thought. I’d healed. But what I’d been through suddenly surfaced in the

light of a new trauma. And it forced me to look deep inside myself and start healing properly – for real this time. It was time to get to know myself for the first time in my life – to know what I stood for, what I wanted, what I didn’t want. It was time to stand up and forgo the fairytale, and instead be my own superhero. Back in 2011, my whole world fell apart. I found out that my high-school sweetheart was having an affair. Together at 14, married by 23, two beautiful girls in my late 20s. I felt lucky, even a bit smug. I was proud of our story. So having entered into my 30s, feeling like I had made it in life, the discovery hit me like a ton of bricks.

I still had an unfaltering belief in my husband’s character. I thought it was a silly mistake. I stayed. I blamed myself, I gave him excuses. He said he’d chosen me. I thought we could make it work – we would be stronger than before. I very quickly realised that this wasn’t the case at all. His ‘short fling’ story was a concocted one. His mistress was a work colleague, and was pregnant. His lies, his continued devious behaviour, and his lack of effort to make things right, meant I started to lose all respect for him. But I’d forgiven him. And it was hard to give up on my fairytale – it was my whole identity.

I spent two more years in that relationship, until I found more emails from the same woman. This time I left. I’d tried to end it a couple of times before, but this became the catalyst I needed to stick to my guns. He didn’t make it easy though. For 10 months, he wrote love letters and begged me to take him back. He used my daughters as a means of gaining access to the house, and a chance for more emotional manipulation. Then, in 2014, my mum booked me an apartment for a girls’ holiday – a chance to recuperate. The only thing was that all my girlfriends had just had babies. So I took a male friend with me. He had suffered a bereavement at >>> April 2020 • happiful.com • 41

the same time that I had left my ex, and so we had become close, supporting each other. On my return, my ex husband begged me to come back to him again, and I pushed for a divorce. Angry, and knowing I had gone away with our mutual friend, he lost his temper, picking up a kitchen stool and hurling it in my direction. I’d made a promise to a girlfriend of mine, who had never liked the sound of my ex’s behaviour, that I would phone the police if I felt

I was strong, I thought. I’d healed. But what I’d been through suddenly surfaced in the light of a new trauma threatened. I did just that. As I ran back to the kitchen with the phone in my hand, I saw my husband taking a knife out of the draw. My life flashed before my eyes. The next few months gave me space. With bail conditions and an upcoming trial, I finally had time to heal without endless harassment. But I had to find the strength to be a prosecution witness. It came easier than I expected. A domestic violence advisor asked me some questions, and it 42 • happiful.com • April 2020

dawned on me that I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship for a very long time. I had suffered scare tactics and aggression in recent years, which had only been heightened by the guilt he felt about his affair. I found out about other affairs, and I realised I had been living with a stranger – far from the fairytale prince I had clung on to. He was found guilty of assault and criminal damage in court, but appealed the decision. So I had to find the strength all

over again, a year later. All the while I got closer and closer to my male friend, who became my rock. I survived. People said how strong I was. I really thought I had made it through unscathed. I ploughed myself into teaching. Perhaps that stopped me from truly dealing with everything. There was no one at home to tell me to stop working, so I worked myself into the ground. And then an entirely new relationship made me experience my past trauma anew. There was a change of management at my school. Both the headteacher and the deputy headteacher left. Both had valued me, and because of this my ridiculous workload felt manageable. I still had

purpose and self-worth in my life, even though I felt I had failed as a wife and home-maker. Teaching became my whole identity and worth. So when management was replaced, I was keen to make a big impression. I failed miserably. I was made to feel inadequate. I would go so far as to say I felt victimised, and the way I was treated went on to have a huge impact on my mental health. I had thought the domestic abuse of my past was way behind me. But this situation took me right back to how I felt with my ex for all those years. I was a nervous wreck. I was second-guessing myself with every decision, and the way they talked to me had me shivering and queasy. I realised that I

Don’t wait until a trauma or until you are lost to find yourself

hadn’t healed and that I still had huge issues with confidence, self-esteem and assertiveness. And to make it all worse, I lost the only bit of my identity I had left – being a great teacher. This new relationship trauma, this time in the workplace, brought it home that something had to change. In 2017, I realised teaching was part of the problem, and left. Through a network marketing company called Arbonne, I found my biggest saviour – personal development. I devoured

book after book, audio after audio. I was inspired by the stories of positivity and success. I learnt about myself and took responsibility for my own part in what had gone wrong. I started to rebuild my self-esteem, replacing old beliefs for new ones. But after this period of recovery, I realised I was lost. I had been trapped in a life-long plan that I created when I was 14. It hadn’t worked out. So what now? I went on the biggest journey of my life – discovering my purpose, and setting about living it!

All I knew was that I wanted to help women see and reach their full potential. And I didn’t want women to have to hit crisis point or personal trauma before they took the time to discover their purpose and brilliance. My story has a happy ending. My trauma led to growth and happiness. It’s 2020 and I have a happy, healthy relationship, where I am not only ‘allowed’, but encouraged to grow and flourish. I am a role model for my two young daughters, doing what I love and making a difference. I coach women through a process of self-discovery and exploration, so that they can have happier, healthier relationships with themselves and others, too. My business is called EMERGEncy, because I believe it is an emergency to discover who you are early in life. It is also what I encourage you to do today through my story. Take time to emerge. Don’t wait until a trauma or until you are lost to find

yourself. Don’t remain trapped in a reality or expectation that you created when you didn’t know your true self or your true desires. Emerge and embrace the ‘whole woman’ that you are. And start today.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Joanne’s courageous story bought a Groucho Marx quote to mind: “Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.” Her new trauma compelled her to reflect on how her past was still impacting her present. We can pick out a weed, but if we don’t dig down to the root, it has the potential to reappear. I believe we internalise expectations from society from a very early age. Joanne was an example of this, seeking the ‘fairytale’ life. Joanne now extends her experience of self-discovery by helping other women to pause, evaluate, and live their lives to their full potential. Nicola Vanlint | PG Dip Adv Dip MBACP (Accred) Psychotherapist and EMDR Therapist

April 2020 • happiful.com • 43

Mindfulness for mums – no time like the present Author and musician Izzy Judd shares tips on making time for self-care alongside the challenges of family life

zzy Judd has had anxiety for as long as she can remember. As a child, she endured night-time panic attacks. At 12, her older brother sustained head injuries in a car accident, causing her issues to spiral. At 20 – after finding fame on Britain’s Got Talent in the all-female classical group Escala – she hit a particularly low point. Izzy was prescribed antidepressants and sought cognitive behavioural therapy. Then, two years ago, after her baby son Kit was hospitalised with bronchiolitis, the panic attacks returned with a vengeance. While she had discovered mindfulness shortly before her wedding to McFly drummer Harry in 2012, and relied on it during their long-running fertility battle, Izzy abandoned good intentions after becoming a busy mum to Lola, four, and Kit, two. But since rediscovering the practice of focusing on the present moment, she has developed techniques specifically for children and parents. Here she shares her tips to help all families become calmer, more connected, and content amid the chaos.

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Writing | Gemma Calvert

Breathing slowly and calmly soothes our nervous system. One exercise I use with Lola is ‘Take Five’. Put your left hand in front of you, and with the finger of your right hand trace your other hand. As you go up your thumb, breathe in and as you come down the other side, breathe out. Repeat for all your fingers so you end up taking five level breaths. For children, especially, this slows everything down, and as they get older they can use the technique before an exam or interview.

Use technology as a mindfulness trigger. We often hold our breath when reading or writing emails, so use the arrival of an email as a trigger to breathe slowly for a minute. Alternatively, each time your phone rings, take three slow breaths. To switch off before bedtime, I’ve bought myself a colouring book, so I now do that instead of looking at my phone. Give children tools to express their feelings. Help little ones tune in to their emotions by talking about the weather. Explain

With mindfulness, it’s about acknowledging that nothing stays the same, and tomorrow is a new day

how one day it might be raining and they may feel sad, but the next day the sun might be out and they may feel happy. With mindfulness, it’s about acknowledging that nothing stays the same, and tomorrow is a new day. Set your alarm for half an hour before the rest of the family wake. The time I find particularly hard as a mum is getting out of bed without a moment to even open my eyes, because of the children’s demands. Even if you set your alarm early once or twice a week, you’ll feel the benefit of having a slightly slower start. Go downstairs, make yourself a cup of tea, and get ahead of the game. Do nothing! We add to our already fast-paced lives by feeling the need to fill our children’s time with inspiring activities, but when we slow down we’re at our most creative. Children learn by copying, so sit down and do nothing. You’re doing them – and you – a favour!

WAIT (‘Why Am I Talking?’). This is good when your partner’s walked through the door, you feel exhausted and drained, and might take it out on them. Before you speak, ask yourself: ‘Why am I talking? Is this what I want to say? Is this how I want to say it?’ The chances are, it’s probably not, and you’ll enjoy a calmer conversation by saying nothing or rephrasing things. Nourish, don’t punish. As a mum, I constantly question if I’m doing a good enough job. We tend to live in that voice, immersed in guilt, rather than kindness. Try to remember the things you did accomplish that day. Maybe you made the kids a nice bowl of porridge in the morning, or read them a lovely story at bedtime. Incorporate mindful moments into every day. Take a mindful pause when you put the key in the door, or when you’re waiting for the kettle to boil. When you step out of bed, breathe and say ‘let go’ as your feet touch the floor. In the car before school pick up, close your eyes for one minute and think about your breathing.

Over time, those minutes make a difference because they’re slowing you down and – hopefully – helping you cope with feeling overwhelmed. Remain calm when your child has a meltdown – it’s possible! We’re all human and there are moments where it all gets too much, so during your child’s next tantrum try the ‘Calm Begins With Me’ exercise. Touch your thumb to each of your fingers and, as you do, say ‘calm begins with me’. It’s a trigger to remind yourself that you can remain calm even during the most stressful times.

‘Mindfulness for Mums’ by Izzy Judd (Michael Joseph, £14.99) is out now.

April 2020 • happiful.com • 45

Photography | Mohammed Hassan

“

Change is the end result of all true learning

46 • happiful.com • April 2020

– LEO BUSCAGLIA

How to talk about suicide sensitively Talking about suicide is tough, but it’s also incredibly important. And what’s even more important is how we talk about it... Writing | Becky Wright

e’ve come a long way with how mental health is spoken about and reported in the UK, but there is always room for improvement. And there’s one topic of conversation, in particular, where our language can often be problematic – suicide. It’s often said that suicide is the last stigma of mental health and, although the way to remove stigma is by talking, with a topic as sensitive as suicide, there needs to be a balance. The problem is, the less we talk about suicide, the more we alienate people experiencing crisis, and the more likely they are to act on those thoughts. Yet, the more we get the conversation wrong – by talking about suicide insensitively, or without being properly informed – we add to the shame and stigma that already exists. So, we need to get the conversation right. By doing this, we’ll not only help people who might be experiencing suicidal

thoughts, but we can support those who have been bereaved by suicide, or are dealing with the consequences of a suicide attempt. The more we’re able to talk about it, the easier it will become. At Happiful, we know that language is incredibly powerful.

Here, we share our knowledge on how to talk about suicide in a compassionate and sensitive way. 1 You don’t have to be an expert To set the tone for this guide, there isn’t a list of phrases you can memorise, or a tick-list to >>> April 2020 • happiful.com • 47

Where to get help If you’re in crisis and are concerned for your own, or someone else’s safety, call 999 or go to A&E as soon as possible. To talk to someone immediately, you can call Samaritans on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org. The Samaritans are available 24/7 and are completely anonymous. If you need to talk, they are there to listen.

complete to talk sensitively about suicide. Nor is it about being the most qualified person to speak on the subject. It’s about showing how much you care; being compassionate, and relating to others on a basic, human level. Part of showing compassion is a willingness to learn. This is incredibly important, according to Lucia Capobianco, senior learning and development officer at Samaritans. “Samaritans has more than 65 years of expertise when it comes to listening, but speak to any 48 • happiful.com • April 2020

Samaritans volunteer and they will tell you that they are not an expert in any way, shape, or form. In fact, our founder, Chad Varah, once described Samaritans volunteers as ‘ordinary people doing extraordinary things’. “One of these extraordinary things is what we describe as ‘active listening’. It’s about using techniques that give people breathing space and time to say what they want to, without jumping in with advice.” So, perhaps the first step in talking about suicide sensitively is being a sensitive listener – and that is something we can all work on.

2 Get the terminology right Although you’re not expected to be an expert, there are some key things to remember when it comes to your choice of language. It might feel ingrained in the way we talk about suicide, but refrain from using the phrase ‘commit suicide’. The term ‘commit’ suggests criminality and blame, which is not the case; suicide hasn’t been a criminal act in the UK since 1961. But, if someone thinks of something as sinful, irreligious or criminal, they’re less likely to talk about it. Alternatives include: ‘Died by suicide’, ‘completed suicide’ or ‘took/ended their own life’. When people refer to a ‘successful’ or ‘failed’ suicide attempt, this is problematic. Success usually refers to something positive, and failure negative. However, when an attempt doesn’t result in death, that should be considered the best outcome.

Alternatives include: ‘Survived a suicide attempt’ or ‘nonfatal suicide attempt’. When referring to a person who has reached crisis point, personfirst language is preferred. For instance, instead of asking ‘Are you suicidal?’, it’s better to use language that separates them from the illness. This can help to reiterate that they are more than their mental illness, and that ending their life is not the only option. Alternatives include: ‘Are you having suicidal thoughts?’ or ‘Are you experiencing suicidal feelings?’

should not apply to suicide. For the loved ones bereaved by suicide, it’s an incredibly painful time. When someone dies by suicide, it’s a tragedy – and it makes it no more or less tragic to know the method in which they used to take their life. Nor will it benefit us to know the reason. So, if you ever think about asking ‘how’ or ‘why’, contemplate the repercussions of those questions.

It might feel unnatural at first but, by using sensitive terminology, you’re signalling yourself as an ally – you’re safe to talk to. Because there’s still a long way to go in making terminology like this the norm, you’re likely to encounter people who question your choice of wording. This offers an opportunity to share knowledge and open up the conversation. This isn’t to say that you must correct other people’s wording, though. Especially if you’re speaking to someone who has lost a loved one to suicide, it’s not your place to tell them to change their language. Always approach conversations with kindness and compassion – people choosing to mirror your language is better than making them feel that they are in the wrong.

4 Try not to be sensationalist If you hear about a case of suicide, refrain from speculating, especially about the method. As we know, many of us can be dealing with issues that others aren’t aware of. Talking sensationally about methods can be triggering for those experiencing suicidal thoughts, or who know someone who has completed suicide. The same is true for discussing the reasons that may have led someone to take their own life. The media is fond of trying to pin a single cause to suicides, but we need to be careful not to over-simplify. Avoid suggesting that a single incident, such as a relationship breakdown, loss of a job, or bereavement, was the cause. As we know, suicide isn’t as simple as that and there isn’t one reason why someone dies by suicide. It is incredibly complex, resulting from many difficult experiences over the course of a person’s lifetime.

3 Be mindful when you are asking questions As humans, we’re inquisitive. Particularly when something sad or traumatic happens, it feels natural to want to understand how or why it happened. But this

5 If someone is feeling suicidal, be brave As much as you want to stop them from feeling the way they do, it can be difficult to know how to help someone who is experiencing suicidal feelings.

How to begin a conversation about an attempted suicide: • “I’m so sorry that you’ve been feeling so low, but I am glad that you’re still here.” • “I’m here for you now, and remember that I am always here if you ever need to talk.” • “I would like to help you, so please tell me how I can best do that. If that means just sitting here, that’s alright too.” Particularly if someone has attempted to take their own life, this can feel like an impossible conversation to have. It might feel as though there are no words that will match the sadness of the situation. You may also be feeling overwhelmed, shocked, and emotional yourself. But, what you say to them now is more important than any conversation you’ve ever had with them. Creating a safe space where they know that they are cared for, supported and loved will make a huge difference. Try to focus on doing the following: • Listen • Show you care • Give them hope 6 More than anything, be kind Every suicide is a tragedy, and we should reflect that in the language we use to talk about it. We might not get it right every single time, but part of being a mental health advocate is trying to get it right – learning from others, sharing knowledge and, most of all, being kind and supportive. In using sensitive language to talk about suicide, you can help to break the stigma, so that this way of talking becomes the norm. April 2020 • happiful.com • 49

Ask the experts Acupuncturist and Chinese medicine specialist Gordana Petrović answers your questions on acupuncture Read more about Gordana on therapy-directory.org.uk

I’ve heard about acupuncture before, but I’m worried it will hurt. What does it actually feel like?

Acupuncture definitely doesn’t hurt. While it involves the insertion of tiny, hair-like needles into certain points on the body, the insertion is very shallow

I experience a lot of headaches and tension in my neck and shoulders. Can acupuncture help?

Yes, it can. Headaches, tension in neck and shoulders, or any other symptom you might experience for that matter, are considered a sign of the

and most of the time totally painless, even at the initial point of contact to the skin. The sensation you will feel will be one of tingling, warmth, and/or a mild ache in and around the area. This is a good sign, confirming that we have achieved the goal of activating your healing process! The best feeling is after the session when you will be

relaxed and energised. The more you relax, the more you are able to release the blocks that prevent good energy flow. Your body may have given you the impression that you had no energy when it was, in fact, always there – it just couldn’t flow through. Once we unblock it, it can resume its course.

internal imbalance in the body and mind. In traditional Chinese acupuncture, we look for the root cause of the manifestation of any symptom, according to the individual constitution of each client. This includes general health, lifestyle, diet, exercise regime, and in the case of headaches, any other reaction to stressors.

Acupuncture prescription for headaches and tension and the neck in shoulders, will differ for each client, depending on the assessment. In other words, a man of 35 who is active, with a good diet but interrupted sleep, will have a completely different prescription to a post-menopausal woman, with good sleep but poor diet and no exercise.

Therapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

Top tips for someone trying acupuncture for the first time 1. Find out about your practitioner and their experience. You need to feel confident working with them and divulging personal health information. 2. Be prepared for a change to your health and your life, understanding that you are starting a journey to your best health. 3. Understand that acupuncture is a safe and well-researched method of complementary medicine, that works well on its own, and as a therapeutic method alongside medical treatment.

Is there anything I should do to prepare for an acupuncture session?

No particular preparation is necessary. If you have any specific requests, you should always discuss it with your practitioner ahead of time. Equally, if you have any questions or doubts about your treatment, you should openly discuss this with your acupuncturist. For acupuncture to work, and to produce the best results, communication is key. Every practitioner is different

in their approach, but an open, honest relationship between therapist and client is essential. I always advise a good, long chat before the first session, either on the phone, via email, or via Skype. I offer this free of charge, but that might vary between practitioners. In any case, you should be wellinformed according to your personal circumstances. In terms of general practicalities, you should wear loose, comfortable clothing, eat a couple of hours or so before the treatment. You must not be under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

HAPPIFUL TOP 10

April

Take things back to basics this month as we celebrate the benefits of nature, explore new ways to go screen-free, and de-stress with the art of meditation

PUT ON A SHOW OM Yoga Show

Find your zen at the biggest yoga gathering in Europe! Whether you’re a newbie or a seasoned yogi, you can take part in classes and be inspired by leading teachers. The perfect opportunity to relax your body and de-stress your mind.

(24–26 April. For more info, visit manchester.omyogashow.com)

PAGE-TURNERS 101 Things for Kids to do Screen-Free It’s time to put away the smartphones and turn off the tablets! Writer Dawn Isaac shares the secrets of going screen-free in this kids’ activity book. There are so many things to try, from squirt-gun painting to microwave mug cakes. Power off and play on. (Out 2 April, Octopus Publishing Group, £14.99)

OUT AND ABOUT London Craft Week

Spark your creativity at this year’s London Craft Week! A celebration of imagination, individuality, and passion, you can get involved in masterclasses from Britain’s finest craftspeople. (27 April to 3 May. For more information head to londoncraftweek.com)

TECH TIP-OFFS Smiling Mind

The Smiling Mind app is your pocket guide to mindfulness and meditation. With free exercises for people of all ages, their mission is to provide accessible, life-long tools to support healthy minds. Improve your wellbeing by using the app for just 10 minutes a day. (Download from the App Store and Google Play)

PLUGGED-IN Self-Care is for Everyone

It can be hard to put aside the time to practise self-care, but it’s important that we all do. ‘Self-Care is for Everyone’ is a community that honours the importance of choosing self-care over self-harm. Follow them for simple reminders to be kind to yourself. (Follow @selfcareisforeveryone on Instagram)

LEND US YOUR EARS ‘Sleep and Relax ASMR’

Enjoy soothing sounds as you listen to this podcast that helps you sleep and relax. Switch off and explore the gentle sounds of whispering, nature, and random ramblings. (Listen to the podcast on iTunes and Spotify)

THE CONVERSATION National Gardening Week

Watering cans at the ready! Join in with this weeklong celebration of gardening to raise awareness of the benefits that green spaces bring to our lives. Get involved and encourage others to get green-thumbed by sharing your favourite outside spaces. (27 April to 3 May, get involved at rhs.org.uk)

SQUARE EYES The Secret Garden

Based on the classic children’s novel by Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden is filled with magic for all the family to enjoy. When she arrives in England, orphan Mary Lennox begins to explore her strict uncle’s estate. Whatever will she find? (In cinemas 17 April)

TREAT YOURSELF S5 Skincare Replenish Collection

After struggling with acne for years, founder Laura Rudoe was left with no self-confidence. She developed S5 Skincare to transform people’s skin and improve lives. Give your own skin a post-winter boost with the S5 Skincare Replenish Collection – the serum and cream will hydrate, soothe, and protect dry and sensitive skin. (View the full range at s5skincare.com) Win a Replenish Collection set from S5 Skincare! For your chance to win, simply email competitions@happiful.com with your answer to the following question: According to the AAD, what level of SPF should you be wearing every day? a) 15 b) 30 c) 50 UK mainland only. Competition closes on 16 April 2020

GET GOING

Inflatable 5K

Are you looking for a way to make exercise fun? Bounce your way around the 5K course as you take on inflatable obstacles. The fun-packed route will have you smiling from ear to ear, and the whole family can get involved. You’ll be bursting with excitement!

(Find an inflatable run near you at inflatable5k.co.uk)

WIN!

How to help a friend who has depression If you’re worried that a loved one might be experiencing depression and want to help them, you’re already a great friend. But it can be hard to know exactly how to support them Writing | Becky Wright

f you have a loved one who is currently experiencing depression, it can be a worrying and uncertain time. You might feel that you don’t know what to say, or how to help them. Truth be told, it’s not easy to see someone you love struggle. And, if you neglect your own wellbeing in the process, it can become overwhelming. That being said, there are some simple steps you can take to support your loved one’s mental health. Here are six things you can do to help a friend with depression. 1 WATCH FOR SYMPTOMS Admittedly, there aren’t always obvious signs that someone is struggling but, quite often, we can notice changes in behaviour before we know that someone has a problem. Look out for the following signs: • They don’t seem to care about anything anymore. Have they lost interest in work or their hobbies? Have they withdrawn from friends, family, or social activities?

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• They express a negative outlook on life. Are they uncharacteristically sad, irritable, short-tempered, or moody? • They have physical aches and pains. Are they frequently complaining of headaches, stomach problems, or back pain? Are they feeling tired and drained all the time? • Their eating habits have changed. Are they eating more or less than usual? Have they recently gained or lost weight? 2 LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGEMENT Find a quiet moment where you can check-in with your loved one, undisturbed. Let them speak about what they feel or think. Even if you can’t relate to what they’re going through, they will take comfort from your listening. Try to hold eye contact, and listen without interrupting or offering solutions. If you want to give them some words of encouragement, let them know they won’t always feel this way. It might sound simple, but genuine, heartfelt statements like these can give your loved one hope:

“You’re not alone. I’m here for you.” “It might be hard to believe right now, but the way you’re feeling will change.” “Even if I’m not able to understand exactly how you feel, I care about you and want to help.” “I’m proud of you for opening up about this. You’re so important to me.” 3 ENCOURAGE THEM TO SEE A PROFESSIONAL It can be difficult to convince someone who’s struggling to see a specialist, but this is often the first step towards getting better. It’s important to reiterate this to your loved one. Try to encourage them to see their doctor. You could say something like: “I’m worried about you and I think it would be good to talk to a doctor about what’s been going on lately.” A GP will be able to explore all suitable options, whether that’s medication, counselling, or a combination of the two.

Talk to your friend or family member about what they might like your help with, and identify things they can try to do themselves 4 SUPPORT THEM IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY FOR THEM If someone is struggling, you might feel like you want to offer them more practical support. But while it might be thoughtful to offer to help them with certain things – like working out how or when to let their employer know what’s going on – it’s also important to allow them to do things in their own time. Everyone is different, and we all benefit from different kinds of support. Talk to your friend or family member about what they might like your help with, and identify things they can try to do themselves. One of the simplest things you can do is to make them smile. The idea that ‘laughter is the best medicine’ might not be scientifically proven, but a little laughter can indeed help to improve our mood. So, when they’re feeling up to it, make some plans that they will enjoy. 5 DON’T FORGET ABOUT YOURSELF, TOO It can be emotionally challenging to help someone with depression.

Practise what you preach, and follow the self-care behaviours you want your friend to adopt – eating healthy meals, moving your body, and getting enough sleep at the very least. It can help to reinforce to your loved one that self-care is an important tool in maintaining mental wellness. April 2020 • happiful.com • 55

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We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated – MAYA ANGELOU

Photography | Andriyko Podilnyk

TRUE LIFE

Functioning, dysfunctionally Drinking every day was no secret for Sam, but even he didn’t realise the extent of his dependency. His unhealthy coping mechanism took time to work through, and despite relapses, he’s now found himself on a more promising path Writing | Sam Thomas

“

ou are over the threshold,” were the words of the specialist medic at the local drug and alcohol service. Initially, I had no idea what that meant, but it was certainly a shock. For six months, from the summer of 2016, I had tried to cut back on drinking, not knowing I was alcohol-dependent. I was aware I was drinking daily – it was no big secret – but I certainly hadn’t realised the extent of it. As far as I was concerned, I was managing. Getting on with it even. I was functioning, albeit in a dysfunctional way.

Little did I know that the regular episodes of illness I was enduring were signs of alcohol withdrawal, affecting me both physically and mentally. I just assumed the physical symptoms were a virus... Mentally, I was unstable, and had been for a while. It wasn’t surprising, after a series of traumas, that one particular event triggered feelings of emotional distress. So, I took to self-medicating. What I underestimated was the eventual impact drinking would have on my health and wellbeing. Going through a mental health crisis, drinking and repeated withdrawals became a vicious circle.

You’re stuck in a Catch-22, where you want to numb the pain and trauma. You are desperate to be free, but unable to escape. You want to run away from the intensity of unbearable feelings. Everyday activities no longer fulfilled me. Distractions would work for five minutes, but that’s as far as it went. Nothing would take the edge off. Nothing would enable you to be who you were before. And that’s why people turn to substance misuse... When people experience complex traumas in life, it is understandable that they turn to selfmedicating. Every one

of us will self-medicate, whether we recognise it or not, to cope with life and its pressures. However, self-medicating isn’t just about drink or drugs, and actually comes in many forms – smoking, spending, gambling, relationships, sex even. From 2000, I had battled with bulimia for eight years. Then, throughout my 20s, over-exercising was the main problem, whether it be running for miles, or spending hours at the gym every day without fail. All my life I had swapped one unhealthy coping mechanism for another, but the feelings of guilt and shame had remained. >>> April 2020 • happiful.com • 57

Dealing with drinking helped, but left me vulnerable to mental health problems. And being vulnerable to my mental health led me back to drinking

To explain, withdrawals are not to be confused with a hangover, and the symptoms go far beyond that. Upon stopping the drinking abruptly, I experienced a myriad of symptoms on and off for five months that were unexplained. For a long time it didn’t add up – in part from my limited knowledge of withdrawal from alcohol – and it only became obvious once a pattern had emerged. Unfortunately, while wine was the poison, it was also the medicine I needed to avoid significant damage from withdrawals. Typically, I’d experience full-body shakes – where I was unable to stand or walk – fever-like symptoms, nausea and sickness, total confusion, delusional thoughts, short-term memory loss, agitation, insomnia, intense nightmares, and overwhelming discomfort. Sometimes the symptoms 58 • happiful.com • April 2020

Sam was in a vicious cycle where his mental health led him to drink, which worsened his mental state

were so extreme, I had to drink again as the only means to ease them. What it linked to was a set of unresolved issues over a period of time, which I couldn’t accept or manage. I had gotten all my priorities in the wrong order as a means to avoid them – or perhaps I was in denial. Eventually, it became clear that I needed serious help, and was admitted to an inpatient detox facility for 10 days in March 2017. It seemed like the obvious option to resolve my problems. However, I realised that being isolated wasn’t the way

for me. In fact, I relapsed immediately after being discharged, and the reason became clear to me soon after. It wasn’t a drinking problem that had gotten out of hand – it was the underlying trauma driving it. I concluded that dealing with drinking helped, but left me vulnerable to mental health problems. And being vulnerable to my mental health led me back to drinking, which is often the case for others in the same boat. During this time, I found trying to access mental health support in the community virtually

impossible. My GP said the guidelines state you have to be sober for three months before any referral could be made. How on earth was I, or anyone else for the matter, meant to do that? It would inevitably lead to crisis, again and again. One year after the inpatient detox, and further withdrawal episodes and mental health crises, I was admitted to a local psychiatric hospital in April 2018. I had been seen by the Mental Health Liaison Team at A&E many times in the build up to this. I detoxed over four

With a structured routine, and the support of loved ones, Sam’s journey of recovery is now going well

What I’ve realised in this journey is the key to recovery is establishing coping mechanisms that are healthy days in general hospital, and was transferred immediately after. It was a short stay, but successful in getting the real work started on my recovery. Getting a diagnosis of emotionally unstable personality disorder also helped me to understand my episodes of emotional intensity. It was a ‘dual diagnosis’, linked to alcohol dependency, which recognised that both problems went hand in hand.

I realise that I’m far from out of the woods. None of us ever truly are. Now, in 2020, going back to the gym for sensible work-outs and eating properly again feels good. Things I never normally allowed myself to do, or hadn’t for a long time – like going for long walks along Brighton beach, where I live – also help. I’m getting into a structured routine, with self-care being vital in my recovery moving forward. While I recognise the ‘blips’, I now know they’re not the end of the world, and have learned that recovery is a process.

Self-isolation didn’t help me, and I’m fortunate that my friends and family are supportive and understanding. Even though I have had a series of lapses, I know I can do it again – but without their support it wouldn’t be possible. What I’ve realised in this journey is the key to recovery is establishing coping mechanisms that are healthy, fulfilling and non-damaging. There’s no shame in recognising our unhealthy coping mechanisms – and admitting it to ourselves is the starting point.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Sam’s inspirational story highlights the difficulty of breaking the cycle of alcohol use when it is used as a coping mechanism to manage our mental health. It may provide temporary comfort, but it is damaging to our wellbeing to maintain such a cycle, as Sam bravely shares with us. Thankfully, Sam was able to receive helpful support, and find the internal strength to break the cycle. Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred) Counsellor and psychotherapist

April 2020 • happiful.com • 59

Time to get Tasty Feed your food fantasies with these three delicious dishes from the world’s largest social food network, Tasty

Images | Tasty

here’s something truly captivating about watching incredible food creations coming to life. And if, like me, you’re a fan of those mouthwatering recipes, you’ll no-doubt be familiar with Tasty – the culinary brand from Buzzfeed. With a reach of more than 325 million across its platforms, and now branching out into cookbooks, the food giant has shared some irresistible recipes with us. So prepare for those tastebuds to tingle, and crack out your aprons – the kitchen is calling!

Spinach & Sun-Dried Tomato Sweet Potato Crusted Quiche Ingredients • 1 large sweet potato • Olive oil, drizzle • 4 large eggs • 350ml milk • 1 garlic clove, minced • 1 15g jarred sun-dried tomatoes, drained • 85g baby spinach, chopped • 115g goat cheese • Salt and pepper Method •P reheat your oven to 190C/Fan 170C/gas mark 5). •U sing the tip of a knife, poke a few slits through the skin of the

sweet potato, then microwave on high for 1 minute. Allow to cool. • Cut off the ends of the sweet potato, then peel. Slice into 3mm thick slices. • Add the slices to a bowl, and toss with olive oil, salt, and pepper. • Arrange the sweet potato slices around a 23cm round baking dish, slightly overlapping so they cover the sides and bottom. • Bake for 20–25 minutes, or until the potatoes are softened. • In a medium bowl, beat the eggs, salt, and pepper. Add the milk, garlic, and sun-dried tomatoes, and whisk to combine.

• Spread the spinach over the sweet potato crust. Pour in the egg mixture. Top with crumbled goat’s cheese. • Bake for 30 minutes, or until the centre of the dish is set. • Cool for 10 minutes before serving.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Pair your quiche with a salad for a delicious meal, any time of the year! The spinach contains several essential minerals, including calcium, magnesium, iron, and folic acid for keeping your red blood cells healthy, and your body energised and strong.

Spicy Chicken Pizza Ingredients • 120ml pizza sauce • 1 ½ tbsp Frank’s RedHot Original sauce, plus more for drizzling • 1 tbsp olive oil • 1 ½ tsp cornmeal • 455g pizza dough • 100g grated Mozzarella • 120g shredded chicken • 3 pieces of streaky bacon, torn into ½ inch pieces • 1 small handful fresh baby spinach • 100g cherry tomatoes, halved • 1 tbsp red onion, finely chopped • Ranch dressing, for drizzling Method • Preheat oven to 230C/Fan 210C/ gas mark 8) • In a small bowl, whisk together the pizza sauce and Frank’s RedHot Original. Set aside.

• Line a baking tray with greaseproof paper, and sprinkle evenly with cornmeal. • Roll out the pizza dough to be roughly 30cm round, and place it on a baking tray. • Spread the spicy pizza sauce on the dough. Top with mozzarella, chicken and bacon. Scatter over the spinach, cherry tomatoes, and red onion. • Bake the pizza for 14–16 minutes, until the edges are browned and crisp. • Remove from the oven, and allow to cool for 5 minutes. Then drizzle with Frank’s RedHot Original and ranch dressing. Slice and serve.

All these recipes come from Tasty, and can be included in a customisable cookbook. Visit tasty.mybespokegift.com to design your own ‘My Tasty Cookbook’.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Boost the vitamins and minerals in this meal further by adding extra veggies, such as coloured diced peppers, mushrooms, and asparagus, and you’ll be well on the way to hitting your five a day in one pizza! For veggies and vegans, substitute the bacon, chicken, and mozzarella for vegan cheese.

Chocolate Stuffed Strawberries Ingredients • 18 strawberries •½ cup semi-sweet chocolate, melted •W hite chocolate, for dipping • Sprinkles, optional Method • Remove the tops from the strawberries, but keep aside to use later. • Scoop out the inside of the strawberries. • Put your melted chocolate into a piping bag, and then fill the strawberries.

•P lace the strawberry tops back on. Chill for 15 minutes. •O nce cool, dip the strawberries in white chocolate. •A dd sprinkles immediately if desired. Then replace on to a baking tray, and chill until set.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Strawberries contain vitamin C and are terrific for heart health and immunity. These berries are low glycemic, so don’t cause the blood sugars to spike. You could use dark chocolate as it contains less sugar.

Sonal is a nutritional therapist and director of Synergy Nutrition. She specialises in sports nutrition, hormonal imbalances, and vegan diets. To find out more, visit synergynutrition.co.uk

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Tired of fatigue? With so many responsibilities on our plates, most of us are used to feeling ready for bed by the end of the day. But extreme tiredness, or fatigue, can make life even more difficult to manage. Jenna Farmer shares the realities of chronic fatigue, and chats to the experts for their top tips to help you manage it...

ost of us will know what it’s like to feel drained and extremely tired – whether we’ve just had a long day, or week, or a restless night. Our whole body can ache, headaches appear, it can be hard to concentrate, and despite needing that rest, we might find it difficult to sleep.

Now, imagine being in that permanent state of exhaustion, where no amount of rest seems to help you recharge. For those experiencing chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), this can be their reality.

What is fatigue?

It’s normal to stifle a yawn at your desk once five o’clock rolls around, but many people describe

fatigue as far more relentless. It’s closer to exhaustion than tiredness, and can be a symptom of a chronic condition (such as inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) or thyroid problems), or caused by nutritional deficiencies and diet. While a good night’s sleep is the cure for tiredness, many describe fatigue as never quite shifting, even after a lie-in. >>>

April 2020 • happiful.com • 63

What is chronic fatigue syndrome?

When we talk about fatigue, it’s important to differentiate it from CFS. While some may well suffer with fatigue for a while (and therefore might consider it ‘chronic’), “CFS is a diagnosis of exclusion,” advises Dr Aishah Iqbal, a doctor and personal trainer. “This means other conditions that could cause fatigue need to be ruled out.” As well as excluding other potential causes, some additional symptoms can also point to it being CFS rather than general fatigue. “CFS differs in that the fatigue is ongoing over a period of at least six months, and will also be accompanied by at least four of the following symptoms: problems with memory, worsening of symptoms after even minor exertion, unrefreshing sleep, concentration issues, muscle or joint pain, sore throat, headaches, or tender glands,” explains Alice Godfrey, a nutritional therapist who specialises in fatigue and anxiety.

Nutritional deficiencies and fatigue

If you’re struggling with fatigue, your first port of call should be your doctor. Even if you don’t have the symptoms of CFS, your doctor can help you to figure out if your bouts of exhaustion are due to other conditions, or potential nutritional deficiencies. 64 • happiful.com • April 2020

CFS differs in that the fatigue is ongoing over a period of at least six months

“Tiredness and fatigue are very common symptoms experienced by many people. The causes can be so vast, which is why it is important for anyone experiencing these symptoms to visit their GP,” says Dr Aishah Iqbal. Once there, your GP will likely run some blood tests to get a picture of what’s going on with your body. While fatigue has many causes, there are several potential

nutritional deficiencies that can cause it. One of these is vitamin D since, at this time of year, many of us just don’t get to see enough sunlight to top up our levels. In turn, it’s also common for menstruating women to have low iron levels, while the rise of veganism can leave many struggling to get enough vitamin B12 (usually found in eggs and meat) in their diet. All of these

nutritional deficiencies can make you feel low on energy, so ask your doctor to be tested, and, if necessary, consider investing in good quality supplements for optimum levels of these vitamins and minerals.

What diet and lifestyle changes can help with fatigue? As well as investigating deficiencies, looking at your diet and lifestyle may also be the key to managing life with fatigue. This might be something simple – like making sure you’re drinking plenty of water throughout the day, or getting out for some fresh air at lunchtime – while others may find they need to overhaul their diet. Breakfast is vital to ensure you have plenty of energy for the day ahead, so don’t be tempted to skip it. “Keep blood sugar levels balanced with a high protein breakfast and protein snack,” explains Alice Godfrey. Eating sugar-rich foods may give you a temporary burst of energy but it’s often followed by a huge dip. Keeping sugar levels more steady will help prevent these crashes. For lunch and dinner, Alice advocates tucking into plenty of dark leafy greens (which are not only packed full of nutrients but can also be a source of iron), as well as healthy fats (such as avocado and oily fish). And when bedtime rolls around, don’t underestimate the

importance of an early night – which means ditching the phone earlier in the evening. “Prioritise sleep and the circadian rhythm, which means no screens after 8pm unless used on a night setting so melatonin is still produced,” explains Alice.

How is fatigue linked to your gut?

You won’t be surprised to hear that improving your gut health can potentially work wonders with fatigue, too. Those with digestive conditions seem more likely to have fatigue (for example, it’s been found that more than 50% of people with IBS complain of this), perhaps because they’re more likely to suffer with nutrition issues, due to a restricted diet or poor absorption of vitamins in the gut. Some studies have shown that those with CFS have lower levels of certain strains of good bacteria, when compared to the general population. “Digestive health is always relevant when I work with those with CFS, so taking a good quality probiotic, or eating fresh probiotic foods like kimchi and sauerkraut, may also help,” adds Alice Godfrey.

Can fatigue and CFS be cured? When it comes to fatigue in general, this really depends on its cause, and whether fatigue is part of another condition. Some people with mild fatigue may find

More than 50% of people with IBS complain of fatigue resolving nutritional deficiencies through supplements is enough to help them feel better, while others find diet changes a great help in boosting their energy levels. When it comes to CFS, one treatment option sometimes suggested by the NHS is graded exercise therapy (GET). “The aim of GET is to gradually get a person to do more,” says Dr Aishah Iqbal. “With CFS, people can feel as if they are not doing anything progressive because of their symptoms. With GET, not only is the individual getting some exercise, but they are also working towards progressing with their ability. Setting goals is a big part of this, which helps those with CFS have something to aim for.” Sadly there isn’t much evidence to suggest this is an effective treatment for everybody with CFS just yet, but the good news is that although there’s no cure for CFS, the NHS does tell us that a lot of people can get better over time. So if you’re struggling to improve your symptoms, don’t give up hope. Explore your options, to hopefully find the fatigue might fade in time. Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease and blogs about her journey to improve gut health at abalancedbelly.co.uk April 2020 • happiful.com • 65

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Creativity takes courage

– HENRI MATISSE

Photography | Johnny Magrippis

Brains, baking, and being more curious Psychologist, author, and Great British Bake Off finalist Kimberley Wilson is on a mission to help us understand and protect our greatest assets – our brains Writing | Lucy Donoughue

Photography | Jessie Whealy

fter a long day of clients, it would be completely understandable if psychologist and Great British Bake Off alumna Kimberley Wilson was a little low on energy for our interview. But from the moment we meet it’s non-stop natter – brain health facts and research, and a dash of baking chat thrown in for good measure. Kimberley is deeply passionate about psychology, an area that’s been of huge interest to her since she was a child. “Thinking back, it’s no surprise that I became interested in psychology and mental health, in a bid to understand what was happening in the brains around me,” she says, explaining that a number of mental illnesses and neuro-degenerative diseases, including multiple sclerosis, epilepsy, schizophrenia, motor neurone disease, run in her immediate family. >>>

April 2020 • happiful.com • 67

Now, as a chartered psychologist with her own clinical practice, Kimberley specialises in the overlap between food and psychology. Through her work to date, including a book and her Stronger Minds podcast, she’s become a leading UK advocate for brain health, and is always keen to promote what we can do to protect our most precious asset. The brain, Kimberley insists, needs a lot more attention than we’re collectively giving it, and it’s time to stop separating what happens in our heads from the rest of our body. “It’s almost as if we say: ‘Something’s happening in your head, so we’re only going to look at your head.’ But as we now know, the body has a huge influence on the brain. “Your brain is an organ and, like your heart, it needs proper nutrition. It needs adequate rest, it needs adequate exercise,” Kimberley says. “Of course it’s going to be affected by the things that you eat, the things you drink, whether you smoke or not, and how much exercise you get. The chemistry of your body, your immune function is all going to be influencing your brain health.” Her unrelenting enthusiasm for the subject is evident. “I’ve always been very curious and

68 • happiful.com • April 2020

You can’t just say things and not understand that your words have meaning, and that people who believe you, and who trust you, may act on them I’m fascinated by the processes around psychology. Partly I just want to share that curiosity like ‘Oh my God, did you know this is how this works? Isn’t it amazing?’ I worry people just aren’t curious enough,” she laughs. Along with concerns about our collective rate of curiosity, Kimberley has a healthy preoccupation with the internet, explaining that she’s seen the good, the bad, and the ugly from influencers sharing information about mental health, and how to feed our brains and bodies. “The internet and social media have been incredible in democratising information,” she says. “People in remote parts of the world now have access to information in a way that is completely unprecedented, and can participate in social life in ways they never could before. “At the same time, the internet has enabled the spread of nonsense and misinformation

in a way that feels convincing. It makes me angry because we have a responsibility to each other. You can’t just say things and not understand that your words have meaning, and that people who believe you, and who trust you, may act on them. And that action could have serious consequences for their health. “That’s one of the reasons why I want to put good information out there. I can try to make information engaging, interesting, and accessible. So I try to be that ‘middle man’ between the researchers doing the incredible work, and the audience who perhaps don’t have access to that.” With so much of her own energy dedicated to promoting mental wellbeing in the public sphere, it would be understandable if Kimberley’s own wellbeing practises slipped down the priority list. However, she has a very special place and time for her own wellness at home.

reminding myself no one was timing me, no one was going to ask me any questions. It took me about three hours to bake!” As our time chatting about brains, baking, and being aware of the information we ingest comes to an end, I can’t help but wish our conversation could continue. Kimberley’s amazing mix of passion, research, knowledge, and personality, makes the public health and wellness messages she’s working so hard to impart, very easy to digest.

Hear more of the conversation with Kimberley on Happiful’s podcast ‘I am. I have’.

“My kitchen is my happy place,” she beams. “It’s where I relax. I will always find excuses to cook – I procrasti-bake! I think I could do my taxes, or I could make some blueberry muffins...” Kimberley has quite the history with baking, and competitive baking at that. In 2013 she was a finalist in the legendary Great British Bake Off, and it’s a time she has both fond and physically painful memories of. “I fell out of baking for a while,” she reflects. “I think it happened after the intensity of the Bake Off. I remember one week we had to make breadsticks, and I was practising them every day. I must’ve made about 200, and it

I procrasti-bake! I think I could do my taxes or I could make some blueberry muffins felt like I was getting like carpal tunnel syndrome from rolling out all the dough!” Kimberley maintains the show was massive fun, albeit a big time commitment alongside her already busy full-time job. However, the impact of being on the Bake Off lasted well beyond the programme airing, she says, and her kitchen life afterwards required some ‘adjustment’. “It was about eight months of intense baking – it takes over your life,” Kimberley says. “So at the end of it, I was a bit shell-shocked and had to do what I called ‘rehab bakes’. I started off with a lemon drizzle cake, very gently, very slowly

‘How to Build a Healthy Brain: Reduce stress, anxiety and depression and future-proof your brain’ by Kimberley Wilson, published by Yellow Kite (£16.99), is out now.

April 2020 • happiful.com • 69

Bath:

The hometown of wellness When the Romans settled in Bath in 60 AD, they knew there was something special about this southern counties suntrap. A few centuries later, and Happiful’s Kathryn Wheeler headed to the city to discover what Bath has to offer today’s wellness weekenders

ushioned by rolling countryside, lined with Georgian streets built from honey-coloured Bridgewater brick, and accented by ancient architecture that has stood the test of time – there’s something special about Bath. A mini-break in the Somerset city has been on my to-do list for an age, and so when Visit Bath invited me to discover what makes it the ultimate wellness destination, I had my bags packed quicker than you can say “rest and relaxation”. My stay began with a check-in at The Bird – a boutique hotel with views over the recreation ground and Bath Abbey. Overflowing with surprising moments of delight – with quirky, modern decor that runs in parallel with the impressive period architecture – The Bird makes an enchanting base to explore the city from. Stepping out of the hotel, the first place on my itinerary was the famous Roman Baths. Ever since the Roman’s settled here in 60 AD, bringing with them public spas, Bath’s past has become entwined with wellness. Hold your hand over the steam, rising from thermal water that rushes through the limestone, to feel the

power of this bubbling natural spring – and walk the perimeter of the baths, developing a sense of what it would have meant to bathe in these naturally warm waters in ancient times. Across the city, No.15 Great Pulteney is the spa hotel that’s putting a 2020 spin on wellness – as I discovered when I was offered the opportunity to try their latest treatment, ‘Mindful Touch’. Combining visuals in a virtual reality headset with more familiar massage elements, ‘Mindful Touch’ is an interesting experience that opens up questions about the role that VR could potentially play in our wellbeing. But for a more traditional experience, head to the Soul Spa for a 20-minute drop-in meditation session. At just £5 a session, this is the ideal way to dip into some mindfulness in the midst of a busy city day. Hosted in the eaves of a historical building, the session I attended was guided meditation on the topic of ‘loving kindness’. A perfect experience to enjoy with a partner or loved one, the session asks you to reflect on the love in your life, prompting you to celebrate and share the positive feelings that run between us all.

Insider Tip Leave the car behind and take a stroll around this beautiful, compact city. From the centre, all major attractions are within a 15-minute radius, and down at street level, you can’t help but stumble across picturesque alleys, independent cafes, and charity shops brimming with treasures. Back out on the streets, to get a good feel for Bath and the surrounding area, hop on the open-top bus for a whistle-stop tour of the major points of interest in the centre, before heading out on to country roads to see a stunning view over the entire city. Far from a pootling time-filler, the bus tours are an opportunity to sit back and relax while you take in the sights. When it comes to eating out in Bath, you’ll be spoiled for choice. I headed to Turkish-Mediterranean restaurant Cappadocia. Book a table next to the panoramic window and take in views across the River Avon, and the famous Pulteney Bridge. I recommend the hummus and falafel – a treat for your tastebuds, this vegan staple is

1) Walk the around the Roman Baths, 2) Be in awe of Bath Abbey, 3) Rest at The Bird hotel, 4) Recharge at Soul Spa

brought to life by a powerful blend of flavour and spice. Just a stone’s throw away is The Boater pub. This establishment is a Narnia of a place. From its quaint, unassuming front, you would never guess that it boasts the largest pub garden in Bath. Mixed with homely, cosy corners – it’s the ideal place to settle and mull over the day. As my overnight stay in Bath came to an end, I experienced that perfect mini-break feeling that you get when you’ve found the fragile balance between activity and relaxation. Revitalised by the treatments I’d sampled, and the places that I’d visited, the ‘Bath effect’ lingered all the way home. But it’s more than an array of spa hotels and innovative treatments. A stroll around the centre will soon reveal that the sense of eudaimonia is etched into the very structure of the city. Simultaneously very much alive, and yet serene and easy – a stay in Bath is contrary to standard hustling city breaks, offering something so much more harmonious and consolidating. So pack your bags and experience this rare place yourself – you won’t be disappointed. Plan your stay in Bath by heading to visitbath.co.uk

How to stop

people-pleasing

Always putting others ahead of yourself can lead to problems at home and work. So, it’s time to learn to say ‘No’ – and to start looking after Number One Writing | Helen Snape Illustrating | Rosan Magar

am a recovering peoplepleaser. People-pleasing is a pattern of behaviour where you put the needs of others before your own and seek others’ approval. It gives you a temporary reward, such as keeping the peace, avoiding a conflict, saving time on arguing, and a ‘buzz’ that you have made someone else happy. However, it begins to create problems in relationships, jobs, and health, that get worse over time. You don’t get your wants and needs met, you ignore your feelings, store up resentments, avoid intimacy, and give and give and give until you fall ill or burn out. The good news is that peoplepleasing behaviour can be unlearned. Here’s how… RECOGNISE THE PATTERNS When is it that you can’t say ‘No’, or can’t express your wants and needs? Who with? What events or environments are problematic? What happens before and after? How do you feel at the time, and how do you feel now? Keeping a journal will help you to recognise when you do these things, and where there might be trends and themes. You can then ask yourself where these patterns have appeared in your life before, and when they began. Don’t judge yourself. Just becoming more aware of what we are doing creates space for exploration and change. YOUR MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP Healthy relationships with others stem from a healthy relationship with yourself. We look for the approval of others when we don’t know how to fill our own cup.

Spend time getting to know yourself, what you like, what makes you laugh, what you enjoy doing, and what you are good at. Be as kind to yourself as you are to other people. Try new things. Find a way to connect with your Highest Self – the best version of you. Cultivate self-love, so that you are giving from an overflowing cup. SEEK APPROVAL FROM YOURSELF When you have a decision to make, ask yourself why you want to ask others’ opinions about it. Do they bring a new perspective or experience? Or are you seeking approval and reassurance from them? When we seek approval from others, we are giving our power away. Learn to seek approval from yourself and be your own best counsel. You know your life better than anyone, and also what is best for you. Find a way to tune into your little voice of truth – that quiet inner voice that is there to guide you. Meditation can be a great way to do this. CREATE HEALTHY BOUNDARIES Our boundaries are simply what is OK for us, and what isn’t. Chronic people-pleasers tend to have poor, or non-existent boundaries. As you work on your relationship with yourself, you will begin to notice more how you wish to be treated and what is OK for you in terms of physical, emotional, and time-related boundaries. When you begin to communicate your boundaries to others, expect some resistance. People don’t like change, and they need to know that you are serious about your boundaries. Don’t give in. Start off with smaller, easier areas of life to build your confidence – and keep at it!

ABUNDANCE MINDSET One of the roots of people-pleasing is often a ‘lack’ mindset, or a deep feeling of not being enough. This then shows up in every area of your life, and means you try to hold on to love, people, possessions, money and jobs. You play small and safe, and do anything to have a ‘smooth’ life. Challenging the beliefs that we grew up with is hard work, but it’s worth it. The universe is an abundant place, and there is plenty of everything for you. If you hold on tightly to what you have, you have no space to receive more. Know that you deserve the best life has to offer – it isn’t just for other people. GET SUPPORT People-pleasing leads to a disconnection from others, as we constantly worry what they think, and so we don’t open up to anyone. Breaking old patterns and creating new ones is much easier with the encouragement of those who understand and support you. Find someone you feel safe sharing your goals with, who can help you identify areas to work on, keep you accountable, encourage you, and celebrate your successes. If you want professional support, you may want to talk to a coach or therapist. Or you may find a self-development group to join, or that self-help books give you new insights and breakthroughs. Remember it’s OK to ask for help. We aren’t meant to do everything ourselves. Helen Snape is a qualified coach, mediator, and mentor, who works with women on breaking free from peoplepleasing, codependency, and bad relationships. Visit helensnape.com April 2020 • happiful.com • 73

Natasha Devon: Testing times Working tirelessly on the frontline of mental health education, when it comes to considering the needs of today’s young adults, writer and campaigner Natasha Devon has a unique insight. As she releases her latest book, Yes You Can: Ace Your Exams Without Losing Your Mind, we speak to Natasha about the key to academic success, and ask whether today’s teens have it harder? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Congratulations on Yes You Can! What did you want to achieve with the book? Initially, it was going to be a book about exam stress. But the more research I did, the more I realised that all the things that you do to look after your mental health also make you a more effective learner. Stress and anxiety interferes with your ability to retain information, think creatively, and problemsolve. So, the book turned into a study guide. The tips in there are all things that make you cleverer, but they also look after your mental health. That makes a lot of sense, so why is this a relatively new conversation? We live in a very individualistic society, where we’re told that the harder we work, the more value we have. That’s something that children absorb from a really early age. What’s happening in schools is you get this highly-pressured 74 • happiful.com • April 2020

term, and then during a wellbeing week or a designated hour, it’s suddenly like: “Let’s all do some yoga and stroke a kitten, and now back to work.” That’s created this mentality – in a lot of people, not just kids – where they think of their self-care as another thing on their to-do list, rather than thinking, if I start from the perspective of building habits that nurture my mental health, that’s also going to have benefits for other areas of my life. What resources can help teens who are struggling? I think the most helpful expert that I interviewed for the book was Dr Thomas Curran, who is an expert on perfectionism. He was talking about this overwhelming fear of failure that Generation Z has now. A lot of the activities in the book are designed to get them thinking about what they have to offer more broadly, so they understand that their entire value can’t be measured in a grade.

From your perspective, is life harder for today’s teenagers? You get it a lot from certain commentators who go: “Well, I did exams and I remember being stressed, but it turned out fine.” What they’re missing is changes to the education system, but also that at the same time, because of austerity, things that we know support mental health have been pretty much stripped out of the school week. Children are doing a lot less physical education, art, drama – things that have a proven therapeutic value. Some experts are now saying that, because there’s so much increased testing on young people – it starts at age four now – that the amount of stress we’re placing on still-developing brains is measurable as trauma. What’s the most surprising thing that you’ve learned from working in schools? If I was just reading the headlines, I would have a really bleak view

Photography | Johnathan Donovan

The amount of stress we’re placing on still-developing brains is measurable as trauma

‘Yes You Can: Ace Your Exams Without Losing Your Mind’ (Macmillan Children's Books, £9.99) is out 2 April

of what’s going on with teenagers. But when you’re actually working with them, they give you a lot of hope, because they really are wonderful. I think sometimes, as adults, we forget to question things. I was asked the other day by a teenager: “Do you think that antidepressants are just anaesthetising us so that

we don’t notice how wrong the world has become?” I thought, “Oh, wow.” I actually don’t have time to answer that question, but it’s such a great question. If there’s one thing that Happiful readers can do today to support the young people in their lives, what would that be? Listen to what they want. I was interviewing young people about the least helpful thing that happens

around exams, and they say it’s as soon as they go on study leave, whoever’s at home is coming in every five minutes, going: “How’s your revision going? Where are you up to? What have you learned?” They found it distracting and annoying, and there was a kind of implication that people didn’t trust them to do it themselves. I think it’s asking them: “What do you need? What would be helpful to you? How can I support you?” And then really listening to whatever answer they say instead. April 2020 • happiful.com • 75

“

Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy – ANNE FRANK

Photography | Bailey Zindel

What is

dehydration anxiety?

A desire to be healthy and hydrated is completely normal, but what happens when this intention becomes an obsession? Writing | Katie Hoare

o you know how much water you’ve had today? Are you getting your recommended daily intake? For some people, this is a casual question. It’s something we’re all aware we should be doing, but it’s not front of mind all the time. Yet for others, not drinking enough consumes their thoughts, and they can drink excessive amounts, or experience severe anxiety at the thought of not staying hydrated. When you Google dehydration anxiety, you’ll find an abundance of results relating to how a lack of hydration feeds anxiety. And while that may be true, it’s not what I’m looking for. The specific fear of failing to nourish our bodies with enough water to prevent illness is dehydration anxiety: a common anxiety disorder you may not know you have. I’ve grown up around addicts – hydration addicts. And I’m no different. I am obsessed with, addicted even, to my water bottle.

Litre water bottles now linger on desks around me, and board rooms are crowded with staff clutching their own bottles. If you’ve ever panicked about how little you’re drinking, you’re not alone. Emails fill our inbox with subject lines ‘Signs you aren’t drinking enough water,’ or ‘Do you really know how much fluid you should be drinking?’ The answer is probably, and understandably, no. Over the years, with all this mixed information, are some of us taking this too far? Is there such a thing as being too obsessed with drinking water? And at what point does the balance tip from a healthy habit, to an unhealthy obsession?

WHAT IS DEHYDRATION ANXIETY? Anxiety can have many causes, but when it’s specifically linked to how much, or how little, water you drink, it’s called dehydration anxiety. It’s a constant fear that you aren’t hydrating your body adequately, and given you

can’t actually see the benefits of hydration, often the anxiety can escalate, and induce panic attacks. In the same breath as orthorexia – an obsession with ‘clean’ foods – we could actually be doing more harm than good with our excessive water intake. As a millenial, I have been, and still am, surrounded by masses of conflicting information at my disposal about what I should and shouldn't be nourishing my body with. And the media often plays a part in fuelling this health anxiety. Water, like oxygen and food, is essential for life. But can you have too much? Linked in the past to flooding the brain, overhydration can also impact your blood quality and sodium levels. Nutritional therapist Karen Alexander explains: “The eight glasses a day advice, that is often given, is surprisingly not supported by evidence, but can be used as a general guide – especially if you don’t get the usual thirst signals.” >>> April 2020 • happiful.com • 77

Water, like oxygen and food, is essential for life. But can you have too much? Considering the general guide of water intake is approximately two litres, for those with dehydration anxiety, it’s likely that they are consuming significantly higher volumes. I spoke with friend and colleague, Alice Greedus, who also experiences dehydration anxiety. For Alice, five litres of water each day is closer to her average, with her fear of headaches and urinary tract infections (UTIs) prompting her anxiety. “When I went to buy a new water bottle, I had to check every one to find the largest available,” Alice says. “I’m aware that I can feel thirst, but now I’m not sure if it’s psychological or real. If I go to London, I’m constantly thinking, ‘Can I get water?’, and ‘Is there a toilet?’ It’s a vicious circle.” Counsellor Sophie RobinsonMatthews explains that this is a form of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). “Anxiety relating to health is often linked with the need to control something, usually when there has been a prolonged period of feeling a lack of control 78 • happiful.com • April 2020

or autonomy within the person’s life, and in some people, a fear of their own mortality or physical vulnerability. Most OCDs like this develop as an attempt to soothe some uncomfortable feelings, but often we fear those uncomfortable feelings so much, we attempt to prevent them all the time. Thus making engagement with the OCD behaviours increasingly common.”

HOW TO MANAGE DEHYDRATION ANXIETY Sophie suggests keeping a log of evidence that includes times when someone didn’t drink as much as they usually would, and they were in fact, OK. “By keeping an evidence log, you are weakening the part of your mind that believes something harmful will occur if you do not drink two litres of water a day, or become thirsty. In other words, it’s strengthening the rational part that can cope with uncomfortable feelings.” When dehydration anxiety strikes in the moment, Sophie recommends ‘box breathing’: “Close your eyes and breathe in for four counts, imagining drawing the top side of a square. Hold the breath for four counts, and visualise drawing the vertical down side of the square. Next, breathe out for four and draw the bottom of your square. Lastly, hold your empty lung space for four counts and draw the final side of the square to meet back where you started. Repeat until you feel calm again. “By then you should feel utterly relaxed. This allows the rational mind to decide on the next course of action, otherwise you’re operating from an irrational state caused by fear and panic.”

HOW MUCH SHOULD WE BE DRINKING? Nutritional therapist Karen says: “There is no doubt that sufficient hydration is vital for your health, but the amount needed varies from person to person. A number of factors influence this, such as age, gender, diet, exercise, caffeine or alcohol consumption, and the presence of disease. Other than listening to your thirst, another way to judge your water needs is via urine colour. Ideally you want pale yellow urine – be aware that if you are taking Riboflavin (vitamin B2) this can make urine bright yellow.” She also notes that many vegetables also contain a high water content, and can be counted towards your daily intake, including most fruit, cucumber, celery, lettuce, courgette, tomato, potato, cabbage, and even foods like salmon and eggs, if not over-cooked. The connection between a healthy mind and a healthy body is intrinsically linked, and the key to keeping these both working in harmony, is balance. Listen to your body and reconnect with what thirst actually feels like – starting with the eight glasses a day guide. Keep a log to identify how much you actually drink, and work through your anxiety with a trained therapist, or practise mindful meditation to strengthen your rational mind. We may be hyper aware of our health and the recommended dos and don’ts of healthy living, but everyone is different, and one size doesn’t fit all. You can achieve a balance that’s right for you.

You can find more information on health anxiety, and find professional support for this, on our Happiful app. April 2020 • happiful.com • 79

Man Down

Book Review

The latest pocket-sized must-read aims to tackle all things related to men’s mental health Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

n the UK, suicides are at a 16-year high. While, on the whole, we’re sharing when we’re struggling more, there is still a big gender gap with being comfortable in opening up. For men, suicide is the single biggest killer for those under 45, with men accounting for twothirds of all suicides. While suicide is a sensitive, complex issue with a multitude of causes, the fact that men seek help for mental health less frequently than women is thought to add to their ongoing distress, leading to selfmedication, isolation, and other risks. While gender norms continue to change, many men still feel the pressure to conform to

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a certain stereotype of strength, stoicism, and masculinity, that can stop them from feeling able to speak out. In his latest book, Man Down, author Charlie Hoare offers a guide for men to help them better understand their mental health, encourage them to reach out, and to seek help.

MEN’S MENTAL HEALTH In Man Down, readers are faced with a challenging yet important question: why do men struggle to open up about their mental health? Examining the kinds of male role models modern men have, as well as the expectations that come with the traditional gender

role, readers are asked to consider their own gender-based assumptions and upbringing. Are men ‘worse’ at expressing themselves, or do our assumptions around how men ‘should be’ put pressure on them to suppress how they really feel? Mixing personal experiences with psychology and statistics, Man Down offers a rounded look at men’s mental health. Addressing issues headon and challenging assumptions on masculinity, from ‘boys don’t cry’ to misconceptions that admitting to mental health problems is the same as admitting to weakness, each section is short, easy to read,

and even easier to dip in and out of. Turning a heavy topic into something that even the most reluctant reader can easily browse, Man Down provides a great introduction to conditions such as depression and psychosis.

SELF-CARE AND SEEKING PROFESSIONAL SUPPORT Offering advice and guidance, Man Down delves into the negative coping mechanisms men may use. Touching on the additional pressure that social acceptability and celebration of some issues (such as drinking alcohol, depending on sex, and overworking) can provide,

readers are presented with alternative ways to handle stress and emotional overload. One area that caught my attention was the emphasis on accepting how you feel, whether that’s a positive or negative emotion. With modern pressures from social media, it can be tempting to only show the world our best side; who wants to know when we are struggling, angry, or overwhelmed? Yet, by suppressing our negative emotions, we’re denying another part of ourselves – a natural part of the human experience. No one can be happy all of the time, and that’s OK. As well as outlining typical advice on seeking professional

help and support, Man Down also includes tips on how you can support friends. The suggestion is to be a positive role model for those around us; we can create an environment that provides the space for people to speak up, without feeling intense or pressured. Another area worth noting is the wholeperson approach to wellbeing presented within the book. Reminding readers that physical exercise and a good diet are also needed to support better mental health and overall wellbeing, Man Down delves into a myriad of ways we can put our wellbeing first. If you find yourself struggling to take time

out and do something just for fun, rather than for a specific goal or purpose, this could be a sign that you need to address your work-life balance.

SHOULD I BUY IT? Man Down provides a great and easy-tofollow introduction to men’s mental health, and what you can do to put your wellbeing first. If you know someone who is unfamiliar with mental health, or is struggling, this could be a gentle introduction to help them start making positive changes. Recognising when you need help can be the hardest step – but once you are ready, it can feel like a weight

has lifted from your shoulders. If you’re ready to start looking for help and support, or want something to help gently ease a friend or loved one into finding the help that they need, Man Down could be the book for you.

Man Down by Charlie Hoare (Summersdale, £9.99. Out 13 March) Great for…

If you liked this, you’ll love... Boys Don’t Cry by Tim Grayburn Tim kept his depression secret for nearly a decade, but an unexpected discovery led him to realise there was strength to be found in sharing his story.

Notes on a Nervous Planet by Matt Haig After years of anxiety and panic attacks, Matt began to look for a link between what he felt and the world around him.

Must Reads How Not to Be a Boy by Robert Webb

Don’t cry. Drink beer. Play rough. Looking back over his life, comedian Robert Webb asks whether these rules are actually any use to anyone.

• Men who are struggling with their mental health • Anyone looking to support a loved one with their mental health • Those looking for an easy-to-digest intro to mental health and wellbeing

April 2020 • happiful.com • 81

How to build a healthy body image

If you’ve ever felt self-conscious, fallen victim to a comparison trap, or spoken to yourself with a negative voice on seeing your reflection, you are definitely not alone. But we all deserve to feel good about ourselves, and carving out a healthier relationship with our bodies is possible... Writing | Sarah Young

ody image: it’s something we all struggle with, whether occasionally, or if our time is consumed by it. It can be a niggle in the back of our minds, or a full-blown mental health issue. With pressure coming from all sides – in the media, online, from the products to make us look ‘better’, diet culture, and, unfortunately, sometimes from each other – it can be hard to feel OK, let alone amazing, about your own body. But feeling good about the body you live in is a really big aspect of mental health and wellbeing, so it’s important we do all we can to stand up and fight against poor body image, and reject the ideals that society might try to force on us. Here are five ways to improve your body image, starting today... RECOGNISE THAT SOCIETY’S BEAUTY STANDARDS ARE UNREALISTIC. The idea of what the ‘perfect’ person looks like was created in order for that idea to become profitable. By pushing that idea, companies and individuals can sell us a huge range of products under the guise of helping us 82 • happiful.com • April 2020

to achieve ‘perfection’. These beauty standards are created to be unattainable, so that we become life-long consumers of diet, weight loss, and beauty products. The reality is that beauty is subjective, and looking a certain way won’t bring you happiness – that comes from inside. You are worthy and enough, regardless of what you look like. We are meant to all look different; variety is the spice of life! FOLLOW SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF. Many of us spend a large proportion of our time scrolling through social media, and often compare ourselves to those we follow, with a tendency to unconsciously gravitate towards accounts of people with ‘perfect’ lives and bodies. But I challenge you to unfollow those who make you feel worse about yourself, and instead follow people who make you want to celebrate your body. There are loads of people battling against the idea that we should look a certain way, and who unashamedly bare all in order to give representation to regular bodies. Follow those who genuinely uplift you, and make you

feel more at peace with yourself and your body. CHALLENGE YOUR NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. How many times a day do you criticise your appearance? If it’s multiple times a day, you aren’t alone, but you deserve to feel great about yourself and your body. The next time a negative thought pops into your head, challenge it! Out loud if possible, but if not, you can just think it. It might sound silly, but it’s not just about being kind to yourself; it’s about rewiring your brain so that it stops jumping straight to negative tropes that you have repeated to yourself over time. The more you stop your negative thoughts in their tracks, and challenge them, the less your brain is going to automatically zap into critical mode. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOUR BODY CAN DO FOR YOU. Your body is an amazing thing. It’s a vessel that carries you through your life, and it’s true value is in what it can do, not what it looks like. Whether you are going through life using just your body, a wheelchair, or a mobility aid, your body has the ability to do a ton of fantastic,

You are worthy and enough, regardless of what you look like. We are meant to all look different; variety is the spice of life! unmissable things. At its most basic function, it allows you to be alive every day. It gives you the ability to experience being. Your body allows you to engage in a variety of different physical activities – running, walking, swimming, lifting weights, or dancing. It allows you to hug and to hold. It allows you to touch. It allows you to experience pleasure in all its forms. When you are injured, your body does its utmost to heal you. Your body is incredible! REALISE THAT YOU ARE MORE THAN YOUR BODY. Your body is pretty awesome, but it’s not the most important thing about you, and your worth doesn’t come from what your body looks like or what it can do for you. Who you are – who you really are – is inside you. In your heart and your soul. Maybe you are always there for your friends when they need it. Maybe you work in a job helping others. Maybe you volunteer looking after animals. Maybe you are an extra caring and compassionate parent, sibling, or child. Maybe you’re a particularly thoughtful partner. Maybe you are doing all you can to be the best version of yourself. Whatever they are, the really amazing parts of you are on the inside. Sarah talks about body image, body positivity, and eating disorder recovery, as well as chronic illness, on her Instagram @bodypositivepear April 2020 • happiful.com • 83

Worries, be-gong A relatively new alternative therapy, gong baths see participants lie in relaxed positions as a gong master skillfully plays instruments in a complex, layered way. It’s thought that the frequencies of the gongs can have a healing effect on our minds and bodies. So, what did Happiful’s Kathryn Wheeler make of the experience when she headed to a session hosted by Om Sound Therapy?

’m lying on a yoga mat, wrapped tightly in a blanket, with my head on a soft cushion. In front of me are two large gongs suspended from tall stands, with a selection of other instruments placed on the floor behind them. The room is dark, apart from a string of fairy lights around the base of the gong stand, and a few tea lights burning in glass bowls. This isn’t what a standard Wednesday evening looks like for me. I’m here to experience a gong bath – an alternative therapy that

uses a combination of meditative techniques and the deep vibrations of the gongs, to guide participants through a mindful experience. Sometimes called a ‘sound bath’ or ‘gong meditation’, the practice is often intertwined with spirituality, and some report having transportive experiences during the sessions. But on a physical level, the sounds and vibrations of the gongs can support people on their meditative journey, allowing them to switch off from the outside world, leaving their worries behind.

The session I’m at is being run by Coral Chambers, a sound healing therapist, gong practitioner, and a member of the Sound Healing College, based in Surrey. For Coral, music is the “key to the soul”, and she notes that if you find your mood can be changed by music, you may already be open to the desired effect of a gong bath. The session begins with a short, centring meditation, which Coral leisurely guides us through, before the first sound of the session begins. With my eyes closed, I can’t tell what instrument Coral was

The outside world melted away as the sound completely washed over me

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TRY THIS AT HOME Need a boost? We’ve put together our favourite feel-good songs. Plug your headphones in, and face the music! ‘Go Your Own Way’ Fleetwood Mac using to create the sound, but it was a gentle rattle, that seemed to bounce around the room as I heard her move from person to person, before eventually holding it above me. She did the same thing with a few more instruments of different timbres, and then the gongs began. I’m not sure what I expected. I’ve heard gongs hit before, but the sound I experienced throughout the ‘bath’ was unlike anything I’d known previously. The texture of the sound was thick, heavy, and layered. It felt as though it was pulsing in the air above me, simultaneously grounding and releasing me. Safe in my blanket cocoon, the outside world melted away as the sound completely washed over me, creeping into every corner of my mind, occupying my thoughts. It was immediately obvious to me how much skill went into playing these gongs, as Coral artfully built and released the tension of the sound, mixing in different rhythms, speeding up and slowing down, and layering the sounds on top of each other. In total, the session lasted for an hour, with 40 minutes dedicated to the gong playing. While at the beginning the sound was new and riveting, as time progressed it became more soothing, and

‘I’m a Believer’ The Monkees ‘Walking on Sunshine’ Katrina & the Waves ‘Send Me on My Way’ Rusted Root ‘Hooked on a Feeling’ Blue Swede ‘Fight Song’ Rachel Platten I found myself able to slip into a relaxed state where my mind gently wandered through happy thoughts. Before I knew it, the sound of the gongs slowly faded out, replaced with light bell sounds that rang pleasantly in my ears, as Coral once again walked around the room to play them over our bodies. These high, light sounds seemed to break the trance of the session, the cascading sound of the bells like water droplets falling off my mind after gently peeling myself out of the gong bath. As the sound in the room faded out, and the traffic and hustle of the outside edged in, Coral brought us back to the room, thanking us for taking part, and repeating her personal mantra: “I am safe. I am protected. I have everything I need. And I am loved.” For me, the gong bath was an opportunity to retune my mind

‘Everybody’s Free (to Wear Sunscreen)’ Baz Luhrmann ‘Pencil Full of Lead’ Paolo Nutini

and body, totally switching off from the outside world, and allowing the incredible sounds of the gongs to guide my experience. It’s not often that you can take an hour to let yourself be completely claimed by a sensation, and if you’re interested in honing your mindfulness and meditation skills, a gong bath could set you on your way. Whether you’re looking for a spiritual experience, or just want to embrace the physical effect of sound and vibrations, gong baths are a unique way of working towards a sound mind. Find out more about gong baths at omsoundtherapy.co.uk

April 2020 • happiful.com • 85

Photography | Brooke Boyer

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So many things become beautiful when you really look – LAUREN OLIVER

TRUE LIFE

Running to a new day

Shaun spent years in and out of hospital, with severe depression and suicidal thoughts, until he finally received a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder and autism spectrum disorder. But it wasn’t until he discovered the power of exercise that he found the outlet he needed to get his health back on track Writing | Shaun Vos

y recovery has been several years in the making, with many traumatic moments along the way, but I believe I’m beginning to get to the other side of suffering. Growing up, I experienced countless bouts of depression and anxiety as a teenager, but never sought any real help until I finally spoke to a counsellor at university in 2005. I had one hour a week of one-to-one therapy over four months. It wasn’t then until 2010 that things really started to unravel. I was living in Sydney, Australia, as a graduate in computer science. Although I was good with computers,

my severe social anxiety hampered my ability to work with colleagues, and assert my needs. When I was in a high mood, my productivity and creativity would get me noticed, and even rewarded. But the trouble with performing well is that it leads to even greater expectations. This would be fine until my depression hit, and I would fail spectacularly. As a result, I assumed that there was a conspiracy to get me fired. Unfortunately this resulted in me moving jobs every six to 12 months. By 2011, I just couldn’t work anymore. Severe social anxiety and depression had led me to attempt to take my life. I had stopped enjoying my work, and felt lost as to

what I could do about it, as every other career seemed to require people skills (of which I had none). It was in 2012 that my psychiatrist diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar). The consultant explained that I wasn’t just experiencing anxiety around people, but that I was often having subtle, but paranoid, delusions about them. By the end of that year, after several hospitalisations, I was struggling with even basic self-care. I arrived back in Essex in 2013, as a new patient to the NHS and I didn’t feel I was being taken seriously, despite my symptoms. Living with strangers was hard for me, and I desperately wanted to live

by myself, so I went back to work in IT. I managed to rent a flat in Southendon-Sea, which helped my anxiety, but my severe depression continued to linger. My symptoms and the medication I was on, resulted in my weight ballooning. By summer 2015, I had reached the end of my tether. I’d been working for almost 18 months straight, separated only by multiple but brief stays in hospital following suicide attempts. I sat at home contemplating what to do. I came to the conclusion that I should take an overdose. I was woken by my mum. She’d travelled 50 miles after worrying about me, and had phoned an ambulance. >>> April 2020 • happiful.com • 87

‘By September my mum told me: “I’ve got my son back”’

Shaun attended Rethink Mental Illness courses

The consultant explained that I wasn’t just experiencing anxiety around people, but that I was having subtle, but paranoid, delusions But seeing her made me panic, and I immediately ran off to try to hurt myself. Thankfully the paramedics and the police looked after me. No physical harm had come to me, so I was assessed by a psychiatrist to work out the next steps. Personally, I didn’t see any point with life anymore. I had tried a dozen different medications, yet I was still no better. It was at this point the consultant agreed I could have electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). I stayed in hospital for three months where 88 • happiful.com • April 2020

I underwent 12 rounds of ECT, which involved passing an electric current through my head while under anaesthesia. After nine treatments, my mood started to lift. The only side-effects I had were some memory loss. Once I was back home, I didn’t know what to do with myself, until I found out about the charity Rethink Mental Illness, who ran some services in my area, and attended two of their courses – one on depression and another on building self-confidence. I was

then signposted to the Rethink Employment Service where I met Jo, who supported me in getting into volunteering, and I started challenging my social anxiety by working in my local Mind charity shop. Around four months later, my reduced income from living off benefits meant I was struggling to afford my rent. The effects of the ECT had also started to wear off, and I was beginning to feel very down again. But Jo helped me to write a CV, and I was able to gain a part-time job at a supermarket. I started going to the gym, and found that I enjoyed running, so I signed up for the Southend 10K later that year.

Unfortunately in August 2016 my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I worked even harder to take care of myself – exercising, losing the weight, and by September my mum told me: “I’ve got my son back.” When I would enter her room in the hospice her face would light up. But sadly, she passed away in October 2016. In my grief, I didn’t feel able to do the 10K, and also lost my job. I did manage to get another part-time night job, but still didn’t have enough income to make ends meet. My mood was up and down throughout the year, and working nights was severely affecting my sleep. Yet I continued with my running, and fundraised for Rethink Mental Illness by doing

Running is a meditative as well as a physical activity for me. It has helped me feel gratitude for being present, appreciating the dawn of a new day

three 10K races, and a half marathon in 2017. I was keen to help others, and so that spring approached Rethink Mental Illness about starting a local peer support group, which we planned to kick off in November. But unfortunately I became extremely unwell... From September to December I was in and out of hospital due to the severe psychosis. I began hallucinating and experiencing delusions. It ended with me stopping all the cars on a busy road believing I was in The Matrix. I was detained by the police. I left hospital in January 2018, and was eventually diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. I finally accepted the need for my medication, but I still struggled with side-effects.

Shaun created peer support groups for others in his community

But the good news was I was in a place where the peer group I had envisaged could now become a reality, and the friends I made there meant my anxiety dropped considerably. In the summer of 2018, my medication was tinkered with and I was able to start running again, and began training for my first marathon. I also started a part-time Masters in Mental Health Recovery and Social Inclusion at the University of Hertfordshire. With my own love of exercise, Rethink Mental Illness helped me to support our peer group with scheduling rounders, table tennis, cycling, and circuit training. I also ran the Manchester Marathon last April in 4 hours and 41 minutes.

Running is a meditative as well as a physical activity for me. I have learnt to be able to push past suffering, be it physical or mental. It has also helped me feel gratitude for being present as I run along Southend seafront, appreciating the dawn of a new day. Our peer support group has shown me I am not alone, and I am confident to use my own experiences to empower others. I would suggest to anyone with mental health challenges to seek knowledge and support in managing their condition. Not just from health professionals but from peers (such as support groups) with lived experience. Try to develop a growth mindset, so you can build resiliency when adversity comes your way.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Shaun struggled with his mental health for many years, until reaching out for help and treatment offered hope. He took strength from the support of the people around him – including his mum, charity, and peers. – and in time, he made progress. The support allowed him to see that he’s not alone, and to believe in himself and his experience. Often when we’re ill, the unknown is both frightening, and isolating, so connecting with others, and caring for ourselves is an important part of recovery. Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) UKRCP Reg Ind counsellor

April 2020 • happiful.com • 89

Mental health matters Mental health advocate, campaigner, and writer Richard Taylor knows first-hand what it’s like to reach rock bottom, but he’s also come through it. Here he shares his insight and advice – and believe us, they’re words worth reading... Mental health matters to me because... we all have it. And yet, when you disclose to someone that you are living with a mental illness there is a noticeable shift in the air. I want to help create a world where this isn’t the case, and instead, a comforting arm is wrapped around those who live with torment in their minds. Three things I would say to anyone struggling with their mental health are... that you are not alone, nor are you broken, damaged or deserve to be treated as such. Secondly, I would desperately encourage you to seek help – there are myriad services who will listen without judgement. Lastly, I want you to know that it is perfectly OK to give in, but please don’t give up. There is a fine line between living with hope and existing with despair. Hold on to that hope, because I won’t give up on you. I’ve been there before, I’ll likely be there again, and this is the battle we face together, but we are strong enough, even if our minds try to convince us otherwise.

If I could speak to my past self, I would say... that not everything you think is true. I would tell my teenage self, that you are worthy of love and care from yourself. People won’t judge you, and later in life you’ll find people who accept you just as you are. The best lesson I’ve learned in life is... that you should never let anyone tell you how to live yours, just because it is different from how they would live theirs. When my best friend died at the age of 25, it helped me realise that life moves fast, and you shouldn’t keep putting off that thing you’ve always wanted to do. The moment I felt most proud of myself was... when my writing was first commissioned by a major publication. Pride is an emotion I find incredibly difficult to connect with, and a lot of people tell me I should be proud of how far I’ve come. I remember sitting in a crumpled heap on the floor, and writing about how I wanted to die. Years later, I’m writing about the suicide of

Follow Richard on Instagram and Twitter @RichBiscuit21 [Linkin Park vocalist] Chester Bennington for the Guardian when all I could think about was being trapped with my own suicidal thoughts. That makes me feel proud. The main thing I want people to know about living with OCD is... that it does not make you a freak, or someone who doesn’t deserve to be happy. OCD can be – and often is, but not always – hell to live with. It makes you doubt your own mind, your family and friends, strangers, and pretty much everything around you. But it isn’t always this way, I promise. One thing having OCD has taught me about myself is... that I’m a resilient bastard when I need to be, and I’m much stronger than I ever allowed myself to believe. You’ll learn to pick yourself up, and you do not need to define yourself by your OCD. It’s a fragment of what makes you a brilliantly kind person with a good heart, a wild imagination, a curiosity for life, and an empathy with those who know your pain.

Photography | Katie McBroom

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The triumph can't be had without the struggle

– WILMA RUDOLPH December 2018 • happiful • 91

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