Happiful April 2021

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

Animal A wellbeing boost could be a belly scratch away

APRIL 2021 £5.99

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Affirmation cards to help you flourish

A+

advocate

How to support someone you love

Think they might be 'the one'?

6 signs you've got yourself a keeper

10

steps to motivation Transform your mindset today!

• BOSS YOUR BUDGET • CREATE CALM • SLEEP EASY • EXPERT ADVICE •

Live with intention This April issue is a pretty special one for us. We’re celebrating four years since Happiful first burst onto the magazine scene – that’s 48 issues, thousands of articles, countless moments of panic at last-minute changes, and the thrill that you can’t quite beat of sending another issue to print.

But what I’ve realised is that month after month, deadlines roll around, the cycle repeats itself, and those highs and lows all start to blur together a little. We can sometimes take these ‘average days’ for granted, and fall into the trap of just living unconsciously by routine.

I imagine it’s something so many readers will be familiar with. Many things bring comfort, joy, and excitement to our daily lives, and yet they become habitual. We run through those moments or actions on autopilot, never really stopping to be present, and aware of the impact they might be having on our wellbeing.

But this month that all changes. From today, we implore you to join us in living intentionally.

We may know that being around animals makes us happy, but let’s really embrace that wellbeing gift. Get inspired on p60 to let loose, and allow yourself to be playful, comforted, and connected to another living thing.

Push the conversation forward on p46 as we explore modern-day masculinity, and on p50 uncover how we can step away from feeling helpless to instead proactively support our loved ones, by being the best advocate possible.

Choosing to live with intention may not always be the smoothest path, but it will be the more rewarding journey.

As the 13th-century Persian poet Rumi said: “Respond to every call that excites your spirit.”

It’s time to take notice of the moments that make your day, and actively create more of them.

Happy reading.

W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR

I | @happiful_magazine

Pet power 20 Anxiety in animals

How to support your companions

49 Did you know?

60

60 By your side

The mental health benefits of our pets and how to harness them

72 What a wonderful world

A fresh perspective 14 What’s an echo chamber?

Is everyone’s opinion starting to sound the same?

64 Saboteur no more Face up to bad habits

68 Priyanka Chopra Jonas

The global star on anxiety, vulnerability, and the tide of change

87 Nikesh Shukla

The author on the work that shaped him, and what’s still to come

Try this at home 25 Spot an empath 36 Manage overthinking

Wellbeing

83 Overcome overwhelm

22 On track

98 Stop saying sorry...

44 Sit back and relax

Culture

How mood can be affected by the menstrual cycle

We ask a hypnotherapist for their top tips for switching off

76 Balance the books

Essential ideas on how to take care of your financial wellbeing

90 Sleep on it

Simple steps to good sleep hygiene

8 Good news

This month’s uplifting stories

13 The wellbeing wrap 55 Pager-turners

46

Relationships 46 Modern men

We dive into masculinity in 2021

74 Green flags

The latest unmissable reads

Spot the signs that you’re on to something good with your relationship

92 Things to do in April

84 Love in lockdown

Feel-good food 27 What’s the fuss about?

How to tackle fussy eating

80 On the pulse

Tuck into a delicious, nutritious, bean-based meal

Positive pointers 16 All on the Board

We meet the duo behind the viral London Underground boards

30 Motivation matters

10 questions to help you realise your goals and aspirations

41 Support a food bank 50 Use your voice

How to speak up for others

20

30 True stories

37 Stephen: after burnout

He ignored the warning signs, but recovery was on the horizon

57 Bex: reaching out

14

*

68

Expert review

Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

The mind has great potential to determine our feelings in any given moment, but it takes time to be able to learn the ways in which we can harness this power – a journey that we all subscribe to throughout life. It starts with self-awareness, and in this month’s issue there are a host of tips on how to become more aware of the self. On p64 you can find insight on how we can connect internally, and retake control. It’s only natural that we’ll sometimes fall into patterns of behaviour that are unhelpful, we’re all human, but sometimes simply recognising small truths can be a catalyst for great change.

After her baby died, social media helped Bex find support online

RAV SEKHON

95 Katie: a place to belong

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

How a love for horror helped her make peace with her ‘monsters’

BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Expert Panel

Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

AYESHA GISELLE DORNELLY OCN MAC CPHT

Ayesha is a life coach helping clients achieve their goals.

Our team EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Head Writer Chelsea Graham | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer

UTA BOELLINGER

GRAEME ORR

Dip Nut mBANT rCNHC

MBACP (Accred) Reg Ind

Grace Victory | Columnist

Uta is a nutritional therapist specialising in fertility.

Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.

Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships

Katie Hoare | Digital Marketing & Content Officer

Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

RACHEL COFFEY

SOPHIE PARKER

BA MA NLP Mstr

DipCHyp HPD

Rachel is a life coach, encouraging confidence.

Sophie is a hypnotherapist, coach, and NLP master practitioner.

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator Tamyln Izzett | Graphic Designer

COMMUNICATIONS

Alice Greedus | PR Manager alice.greedus@happiful.com

MAGDALENA STANEK

FIONA VITEL

MA MBACP

CHt NLP ACHE NGH CNHC IMDHA

Magdalena is a counsellor specialising in trauma.

Fiona is a clinical, medical, and dental hypnotherapist.

BALJIT KAMAL

KATHRYN KIMBLEY

MNCS (Accred) MBACP BSc (Hons)

MSc

Baljit is a psychotherapist and the founder of Well Space Therapy.

Kathryn is a counsellor and director of HumAnima CIC.

SARAH THAYER

BIBI JAMIESON

CPP CIPD CSCT Dip Couns

MA (Hons) MBACP

Sarah is a transformational life coach.

Bibi is an integrative psychotherapeutic counsellor.

CONTRIBUTORS

Jenna Farmer, Katie Conibear, Sarah Thayer, Katie Evans, Bex Gunn, Stephen Lynch, Katerina Georgiou, Fiona Vitel

SPECIAL THANKS

Uta Boellinger, Sophie Parker, Magdalena Stanek, Fiona Vitel, Baljit Kamal, Kathryn Kimbley, Sarah Thayer, Bibi Jamieson, Ayesha Giselle Dornelly, Lorna Rhodes, James Wilson, Rachel Coffey, Graeme Orr

MANAGEMENT

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

SUBSCRIPTIONS

For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

CONTACT

Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY

KATERINA GEORGIOU

LORNA RHODES

BA MA PG Dip Reg MBACP

Dip ION rBANT CNHC

Katerina is a BACP accredited counsellor and psychotherapist.

Lorna is a nutritional therapist, cookbook author, and recipe writer.

Helping you find the help you need.

Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

Find help

Reader offer

CRISIS SUPPORT If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org

GENERAL LISTENING LINES

Head to happiful. for more com se and supprvices ort

SANEline SANEline offers support and information from 4.30pm–10.30pm: 0300 304 7000 Mind Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk Switchboard Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt

p30

Connect with a life coach Looking for support with your goals? Find a life coach to work with by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk

p76

Information and support for financial difficulty For help with debt or financial difficulties, and for i nformation on the support available, visit stepchange.org

p95

Help for self-harm Find support for self-harm, and for families and friends of those who self-harm, at harmless.org.uk

APRIL 2021 £5.99

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

You are mo re than enough

Animal

FREE

A wellbeing boost could be a belly scratch away

Affirmation cards to help you flourish

A+

advocate

How to support someone you love

Think they might be 'the one'?

10

6 signs you've got yourself a keeper

steps to motivation Transform your mindset today!

Cover artwork

by Rosan Magar

HAPPIFUL.COM | £5.99

� BOSS YOUR BUDGET � CREATE CALM � SLEEP EASY � EXPERT ADVICE �

Our two-for-one tree commitment is made of two parts. Firstly, we source all our paper from FSC® certified sources. The FSC® label guarantees that the trees harvested are replaced, or allowed to regenerate naturally. Secondly, we will ensure an additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a suitable donation to a forestry charity. Happiful is a brand of Memiah Limited. The opinions, views and values expressed in Happiful are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values. Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only. We work hard to achieve the highest possible editorial standards, however if you would like to pass on your feedback or have a complaint about Happiful, please email us at feedback@happiful.com. We do not accept liability for products and/or services offered by third parties.

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One undeniable truth is that finding the right help for each individual is a journey – what works for one of us will be different for someone else. But don't feel disheartened if you haven't found your path yet. Our Happiful family can help you on your way. Bringing together various arms of support, each of our sister sites focuses on a different method of nourishing your wellbeing – from counselling, to hypnotherapy, nutrition, coaching, and holistic therapy. Download our free Happiful app for more.

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BOOKS

The Uplift

Personalisable book helps dual-heritage children feel seen Storybooks have incredible power. They can transport us to distant lands, and teach us lessons on the big things in life.

For children, books are a chance to feel seen and heard, and to build confidence.

But for dual-heritage children, these opportunities aren’t always there.

With this in mind, parents Alexandra Branzan and Andrei Andreescu decided they were going to offer something different, creating A Child of Two Worlds – a customisable children’s book for kids under seven, which helps children to explore both parent’s heritage.

Families are able to pick each parent’s home country, design themselves with customisable avatars, and the book is made to look like a passport, helping children to work through the different components of their identities.

“We passionately believe that connecting children with their heritage early on, in a playful, simple way, is a crucial step to the development of their sense of identity,” Alexandra and Andrei say. “We hope this book helps parents communicate to their dual-heritage children just how special they are, and that it ignites little ones’ curiosity about the two worlds they come from.”

There is so much joy to be found in honouring the things that make each of us unique, and A Child of Two Worlds is another chapter in the celebration of difference and the power of connections.

For more info, head to twoworlds.co Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

CHARITY

Sailing above and beyond for charity

Wightlink ferry | wightlink.co.uk

Ferry company Wightlink has been taking care of the pennies, for a good cause We all know the feeling of stumbling upon the odd forgotten coin, but imagine totting up £1,000 in loose change. That’s the scenario Wightlink – an Isle of Wight ferry company – found itself in.

At the end of 2020, Wightlink counted £1,000 worth of unclaimed coins sitting in its lost property office, left behind by passengers on board and in terminals. So Wightlink decided it would donate the total to local mental health charity Solent Mind.

Speaking to Happiful, chief executive of Wightlink, Keith Greenfield, noted how vital mental health services are, highlighted by the current pandemic. “I know Solent Mind does a great deal of good work on the Isle of Wight. When we found we had £1,000 of lost property money to donate to a good cause, several of our colleagues suggested Solent Mind, and I was delighted to confirm their choice,” he said.

For Keith, his main goal with these annual donations is to improve the quality of life for young people on the Isle of Wight – that’s one local ferry company that’s really making waves with their community support.

Writing | Katie Hoare

FAMILY

World’s first parenting programme for men launches Parenting courses can do a world of good, and yet only one-fifth of people who take part in them are men. With this in mind, men’s health charity Movember have set out to welcome fathers into parenthood with the world’s first online parenting programme, aimed specifically at men.

Aptly named ‘Family Man’, the course is free online and is designed to help parents of children aged between two and eight, covering practical skills to manage behaviour, and also tips on increasing parenting confidence.

Jane Endacott, director of digital health, mental health, and suicide prevention at Movember, says: “Being a parent can be a very rewarding experience, but it isn’t always easy. Dealing with meltdowns in the supermarket, or a child who repeatedly ignores instructions, can be incredibly stressful. It can cause friction at home, and over time that can impact the whole family’s mental health and wellbeing.

“There is a huge amount of research that shows parenting is more effective when it’s done as a team. We know that when all

available parents are engaged in parenting decisions, it benefits the whole family.”

During a time when families are spending a lot more time together, it makes sense that dads should have access to the guidance that they need to feel confident when supporting their children, and it’s another step in the right direction for an open, emotionally intelligent approach to roles and relationships.

Search for ‘Family Man Movember’ to find out more.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

happiful.com | April 2021 | 9

HEALTH

Just a phase: could the moon affect menstruation?

Full moon, half moon, total eclipse… No, we’re not talking Jaffa Cakes – we’re talking lunar cycles.

Matching the length of an average menstruation cycle, the lunar cycle takes 29.5 days to go from new to full, leading many cultures to associate the moon with fertility.

Until recently, the idea of the moon affecting humans was largely dismissed. But studies are now noting links between sleep, mood, and the lunar cycle – with a study published in Science Advances revealing its potential impact on menstrual cycles.

Examining 22 women, for between five and 32 years, researchers found menstrual rhythms varied. But out of six subjects who kept records the longest, five intermittently synced with the moon. When combining the records for all participants, periods started in alignment with the full moon, new moon, and perigee (when the moon is closest to the earth) more often than would be expected by chance.

With such a small sample size, more research is needed to uncover if there is truly a lunar link with our menstrual cycles. But until then, we can still explore the connection between our cycle and mood – simply head over to p22!

Writing | Kat Nicholls

happiful.com | April 2021 | 11

Take 5

How did you do? Search 'freebies' at shop.happiful.com to find the answers, and more!

Enjoy a moment for you – sit down, relax, and put your mind to the test with this month’s puzzling fun

Wordsnake Try this variation on a classic wordsearch – instead of being in straight lines, words are spelled out in winding paths, with each next letter joining the previous either horizontally or vertically – no diagonals here. Start with the bold letter and complete the whole grid!

Clue: animals of the world

Emojinary

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Decipher the band names described in emoji form...

The

wellbeing wrap Glasgow is voted the friendliest city in the world in a survey by travel firm Rough Guides

A 20-year-old student donates games consoles to a children’s hospital after profiting from his GameStop shares

Influencers can no longer use ‘misleading’ filters on beauty ads, the ASA has ruled

Nestlé confirms it is launching a plant-based version of a KitKat

Paul, from the Chuckle Brothers, is selling ‘2 metre U’ face masks in a play on the duo’s iconic catchphrase

You’ve got to be kidding?

Farmer Dot McCarthy, from Lancashire, is renting out goats to pop up on Zoom meetings!

What started as a joke on her website, turned into a huge profit almost overnight, making more than £50K so far, and bringing a lot of laughs to people all across the globe throughout the pandemic.

IN A WIN FOR INCLUSIVITY, A CANADIAN DAD, JAMIE, AND HIS TRANSGENDER DAUGHTER, RUBY, HAVE CREATED A SWIMWEAR LINE SPECIALLY FOR NON-BINARY KIDS! THEIR AIM IS TO ENSURE EVERYONE HAS ACCESS TO CLOTHING THAT MAKES THEM COMFORTABLE.

ESCAPE TO THE... IGLOO?

Do you ever just scroll through Rightmove, hunting for your dream home? Well, an estate agent recently caught a lot of people’s eyes with a viral post, jokingly selling a makeshift igloo built during the snow in February in the UK. Listed at £250,000, the agent found himself inundated with viewing requests from prospective buyers. But, as the saying goes, it’s all about location, location, location.

One day more!

Perhaps reflecting the chant in each of our hearts at the moment, a Radio 2 poll has revealed our fav musical songs, and in the top spot is ‘One Day More’ from Les Mis! Rounding out the top five are ‘Bring Him Home’ also from Les Mis, ‘Defying Gravity’ from Wicked, ‘This is Me’ from The Greatest Showman, and ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ from The Wizard of Oz – sounds like a pretty good playlist to me.

NIKE RECENTLY UNVEILED ITS LATEST TRAINER DESIGNED WITH ACCESSIBILITY IN MIND. WITH NO LACES OR VELCRO, AND WITH A ‘BISTABLE HINGE’ THAT ALLOWS IT TO SLIDE ON EASILY, YET REMAIN SECURE, THE GO FLYEASE HANDS-FREE SHOE IS AN ACCESSIBILITY WIN.

Make ’em laugh!

Which British comedian tickles your funny bone the most? Well, according to science, we actually have the answer. Number one, with the most laughs per hour in OnBuy.com’s survey, was Jimmy Carr –whose witty one-liners definitely lend themselves to the metric.

Fancy a takeaway?

We Brits definitely seem to! Fresh Student Living says we’re on track to spend £11 billion on takeaways in 2021, with searches for Deliveroo up 67% year-on-year, while a poll by YouGov suggests a Chinese is the UK’s fav dish. Spring roll anyone?

IN A MOVE TO RECTIFY INJUSTICES, A NEW SCHEME ENABLES EX-MILITARY PERSONNEL WHO WERE DISMISSED FROM SERVICE DUE TO THEIR SEXUALITY, TO RECLAIM THEIR LOST MEDALS. THE BAN ON GAY, LESBIAN, AND BISEXUAL PEOPLE SERVING IN THE ARMED FORCED WAS LIFTED IN 2000, AND TRANS PEOPLE WERE OPENLY ALLOWED TO SERVE FROM 2014, BUT THIS MOVE LOOKS TO CORRECT PAST MISTAKES, AND TO OPEN UP A MORE INCLUSIVE AND ACCEPTING FUTURE.

Need a ride?

Getting into the community spirit, a Pembrokeshire tourist transport company, Tuk Tuk Time, is using its fleet of vehicles to take pensioners to their Covid-19 vaccination appointments.

After delivering shopping to vulnerable people during the first lockdown, the company wanted to help those in need again, safely transporting people who might typically rely on public transport.

What is an

echo chamber?

We all like to have our thoughts and opinions validated; it’s a part of what makes us feel connected to others. But what happens when we only engage with those that share our view of the world, and tune-out everything else?

Writing | Becky Wright

W

hat image does the term ‘echo chamber’, conjure in your mind? I picture a large, dark, cavernous space, where any noise would reverberate around me. But, an echo chamber doesn’t have to be a physical construct. In more abstract terms, echo chambers can happen anywhere information is exchanged, whether that’s online or in real life.

Think of it this way: when you’re with your friends, although you may have the odd disagreement, generally, you share similar core values. When you talk about subjects you share the same views on, you bounce off each other, much like an echo.

The problem is that when we’re surrounded by people who think the same as us, it can be easy to forget that there are other perspectives, and we fall into a trap of finding our beliefs are reinforced and legitimised

14 | April 2021 | happiful.com

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

– regardless of whether they’re actually true. But in normal dayto-day life, we’re always exposed to other people, so we still encounter a variety of opinions.

The lives we lead online have a different set of rules. Almost anyone can find like-minded people and perspectives at the touch of a button; we’re drawn to those that have the same views as us, and can block those that don’t.

So, while you might not realise it, you likely have an echo chamber on the other side of your screen...

HOW IS AN ECHO CHAMBER FORMED? When it comes to our consumption of current affairs, echo chambers aren’t a new phenomenon. With the political ideations of newspapers, people have sought out news that aligns with their values, arguably, since printing began.

But these days we receive our news more rapidly through sources such as Facebook, Twitter, and

Human beings like to ‘be right’, and echo chambers give us an opportunity to connect with others who share our opinions Google. And these platforms work on algorithms, which are intended to cater specific information to an individual’s online feed.

You ‘follow’ and engage with content you want to see (liking, commenting, and sharing), so more of it is presented to you.

And, if any of the posts in your feed don’t align with your views, you ‘unfollow’ those sources.

The result? A perfectly built echo chamber, where your viewpoint becomes narrower and narrower.

a fresh perspective

3 tips to avoid online echo chambers Make a habit of checking multiple news sources to ensure you’re getting complete, objective information.

Interact with people of different perspectives, and take care to discuss new ideas with facts, patience, and respect.

And remember, just because you want something to be true, doesn’t make it fact.

WHY DO WE CREATE THEM? “Some individuals seem to be drawn to echo chambers due to so-called ‘confirmation bias’, which is basically a tendency to seek information that confirms one’s beliefs or values,” explains counsellor Magdalena Stanek.

“Human beings like to ‘be right’ and echo chambers give us an opportunity to connect with others who share our opinions.”

It’s thought that individuals who participate in echo chambers often do so because they feel more confident that their opinions will be more readily accepted by others.

Magdalena agrees. “Echo chambers might be popular among people with poor selfesteem, who tend to look for acceptance that what they feel and think is valid. To seek confirmation in such places seems a good option to boost confidence, and protect one’s self-worth.”

ARE ECHO CHAMBERS PROBLEMATIC? Some critics believe that echo chambers can create misinformation. It’s often equated to tunnel vision; distorting a person’s perspective, whereby it’s not possible to consider other points of view, let alone acknowledge them. It’s also argued that we’re more likely to be taken in by false information – fake news, anyone?

However, some studies suggest the effects of echo chambers are weaker than often assumed. And having a social media cleanse – making sure your online space makes you feel good about yourself – certainly isn’t wrong.

But we need to remember that every time we unfollow something

that differs from our point of view, we still need to acknowledge the opinion is out there, even if we don’t agree with it.

Ultimately, it’s up to you whether you want to open up your online world to other opinions and views, but we think a little healthy debate is to be encouraged.

Magdalena Stanek is a personcentred counsellor, specialising in trauma. Get in touch with Magdalena and discover more communication advice on counselling-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | April 2021 | 15

ALL ON THE BOARD: The people’s poets

You may have passed by the boards yourself, or seen them going viral online, but now we talk to the duo responsible for the inspirational messages left on London Underground customer information boards, to discover the story behind their iconic verses

I

t was March 2017, and crowds of people were surging into North Greenwich tube station for a Craig David concert at the O2 Arena. While singing some of his songs to themselves, two TFL employees working on the platform came up with a poem using well-known Craig David titles and lyrics. They decided to share it with the excited crowd, so they wrote it on the platform’s customer information board.

The board was an instant hit – it made people happy and that,

16 | April 2021 | happiful.com

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

in turn, made the two poets happy. They began covering more events, before eventually reaching out to offer words of wisdom, hope, and inspiration on a plethora of topics. Photos of the boards went viral online – garnering millions of ‘likes’ – shared under the name All on the Board.

The mysterious poets behind the emotive boards are Ian Redpath and Jeremy Chopra, who are finally stepping into the spotlight after four years of letting their work do the

talking. In that time, they have given us laughs, made touching tributes, and offered accessible information on – and support for – serious topics. Whether it’s mental health, a national tragedy, or a celebration of Michelle Obama (the former First Lady herself adored the board dedicated to her and her story), it seems the pair’s repertoire has no bounds. And so, I ask them, when reflecting on everything they’ve achieved so far, have they reached a point where it’s started to sink in yet?

Photography | Max Rose-Fyne

positive pointers

If it was making the

The Underground poems of Ian Redpath (left) and Jeremy Chopra have been published in a new book

concertgoers happier, then maybe we can make those lonely people on their tube

Having words “It doesn’t always seem real. Or it almost feels like you’re talking about someone else,” Jeremy tells me – fresh off a night-shift when we catch up. “I’m thinking: ‘Oh, yes, Ian did really, really good with that. Wow. I’m so chuffed for him.’ And he’s probably thinking the same about me – actually, I don’t know, are you?”

“No, not really mate, to be honest,” Ian chimes in, laughing.

“No, of course. But you know what, we’ve got that much material, and then we look

through it it’s like: ‘Oh, do you remember that time Michelle Obama shared her board?’ It’s still a very pinch-yourself moment, you know?”

I can only imagine.

Along the right lines Of course, it was only in November 2020 that Ian and Jeremy officially stepped into the spotlight – removing the face-covering masks they wore when writing on the boards up until this point (while donning the appropriate facewear for

journeys stop and see that they’re not alone the current era). Before this, they were known as N1 and E1 (standing for ‘no one’ and ‘everyone’), and going public wasn’t an easy choice.

“People who knew who we were said: ‘Don’t do it, because you’ll just get surrounded by people.’”

Jeremy explains. “But, we were like: it’s time to do it now, really.”

And so, they did. >>>

happiful.com | April 2021 | 17

M e nt al H e alt h

PAN IC AT TACKS CAN HAPPEN ANYW H ERE, T H EY SI M PLY CO M E FRO M O UT O F T H E B LU E; FRO M LAYI N G I N BED TO WATCH I N G A M OVI E, O R STANDI N G I N A QU EU E .

U N LESS SO M EO N E HAS E XPERI EN CED T H EM , T H EY REALLY WO U LDN ’T U NDERSTAND; H OW DEVASTAT I N G AND FRUST RAT I N G T H EY CAN BE, AND LI FE CAN SEEM SO O UT O F HAND. T H EY MAKE YO U FEEL PARAN O ID AND SO U L DEST ROYED, W IT H U NWANT ED T RI PS TO A& A & E; A CRACK I N T H E PAVEM ENT BECO M ES A CAVERN O US VO ID, AND T H E LIGHT I S HARD TO SEE .

FIGHT O R FLIGHT CAN CAUSE A FRIGHT, W H EN YO U R M I ND PREPARES YO U R B ODY FO R ACT I O N; BUT, KN OW LEDGE I S POW ER FO R DEFEAT I N G T H EM , W IT H E XERCI SE, RELA XAT I O N AND DI ST RACT I O N .

T REAT A PAN IC AT TACK LI KE AN U N I NVIT ED GU EST, O R SEE IT AS AN I RRITAT I N G FRI END; IT CAUSES DI SCO M FO RT AND I S REALLY AN N OYI N G, BUT, IT CAN ’T H U RT YO U AND SO O N IT W I LL END.

We’re just writing about how we feel

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“I’ve had one person want a selfie with me,” Jeremy reflects.

“I’ve had two,” Ian says. “I’ve had someone at work, and then my neighbour recognised me from TV. I was rushing for the train, he goes, ‘Ian, Ian.’ I was like, ‘Yes?’ He said, ‘I saw you on TV.’ I was like, ‘Oh, good.

I’ll chat to you later.’ He goes, ‘Ian, Ian. What were you doing on TV?’ And then I missed my train.”

Above board It’s evident that their work has always had very clear intentions – to spread messages and to get people thinking, and

18 | April 2021 | happiful.com

10/11/2020 08:50

talking – effortlessly tapping into the pulse of the capital, and the nation. And so, as the pair see it, when they began to take on more serious topics with their board, the transition was only natural.

“We were doing the concerts, and people were getting excited, and we realised how many people we were reaching,” says Ian. “We thought, if it was making the concertgoers happier, then maybe we can make those lonely people on their tube journeys stop and see that they’re not alone.”

Ian explains that they began writing about their own experiences and conditions,

putting the poems out into the world, and seeing if anyone felt the same way. Very quickly, it became clear that they did.

“People were saying, how did you get this spot on about anxiety attacks, or depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder?

We were like: ‘We’re just writing about how we feel.’”

In their book, both Ian and Jeremy lay bare their experiences – Ian covering anxiety and PTSD, Jeremy speaking to depression and an eating disorder. This kind of candour is powerful in any circumstances, but the fact they’re two men adds another dimension to the move.

positive pointers

When reflecting on this, both Jeremy and Ian say they’ve always been sensitive, but the fact that they’ve lost friends to suicide – as well as talked people out of suicide while working at the station – means that they see first-hand the power of their words, awareness, and compassion.

Considering a moment that became clear, Jeremy tells me about a message they received recently from someone who explained how their poem ‘Don’t Give Up’ had saved their life.

“It was incredible to read that, because it just confirmed to us that we’d done the right thing,” Jeremy reflects.

Write this way As Jeremy sees it, it’s the simplicity with which they make their points that opens up mental health topics, but their poetic medium is something they’re also keen to unlock.

“We’re not polished speakers or anything, we just say things as we do usually,” he says. “Poetry has become quite closed off to a lot of people. We’ve simplified it, and made it a bit more bouncy, in the way that people usually talk in the streets, or just to their neighbours.

We used that way of talking, and people get it.”

On the flip side, the creative process is also cathartic for them, and they note how expressing themselves has had a positive effect on their own wellbeing. For Ian, this is particularly relevant when considering how he deals with anxiety attacks.

“They can last about 27 minutes, but if I can stop and think, ‘I’ll try to rhyme this word with that word, and that word with that word,’ I can work myself out of it.”

“For me, it’s also like you’re searching for a solution for things,” adds Jeremy. “Even if it’s not whatever you’re feeling, you feel like you’re accomplishing something.”

We’re about to wrap up our call, so I ask the pair a difficult question. Do they have a favourite board?

“That’s cruel,” Ian scolds.

“Imagine they’re children and you’re picking your favourite!”

“In our book, there is an exclusive poem in the ‘In It Together’ chapter – which is about the pandemic – and it’s a poem that my daughter wrote,” says Jeremy. “So if we had to choose between children, in terms of the poems, I’m going to pick that one, because it was written by my actual child.”

A sign of the times Since All on the Board began in 2017, we have faced many hardships. In 2021, after an incredibly difficult year, words of comfort and hope, like those the duo specialise in, couldn’t be more important. So often, it’s the simplest actions that speak the loudest, and join us together, instilling the optimism and unity that we need to carry on. Now, more than ever, Ian and Jeremy are just the ticket.

“We’ve been wearing masks for the last three years, so we thought we’d take those masks off, and then put on the other masks that everyone is supposed to be wearing. So, it’s a little bit of a statement without being a statement,” says Ian. “That’s us though, isn’t it?”

Adds Jeremy.

Ian nods. “Yeah. Yeah, it is.”

‘All On the Board: Inspirational Quotes From The TFL Underground Duo’ is out now (Yellow Kite, £14.99).

happiful.com | April 2021 | 19

How to support a pet with separation anxiety Animals can experience anxiety the same way that humans can, and seeing them in distress can be heartbreaking. With the help of a clinical animal behaviourist, we explore how we can better support our companions Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

M

any of us will be familiar with anxiety or depression, but did you know that our furry friends can experience this, too?

According to research by Rover. com, one in 10 dogs are living with a mental health problem – equating to nearly one million dogs in the UK. And it’s not only affecting man’s best friend – cats, rabbits, birds, and all other kinds of pets can experience mental health problems, too.

Characterised by agitated, and sometimes destructive, behaviour in your absence, separation anxiety can sometimes be debilitating for our pets. And, following lockdown, where many of us have been spending a lot more time with our companions, it could be on the rise.

Here, clinical animal behaviourist Heather Thomas,

20 | March 2021 | happiful.com

Illustration | Becky Johnston

head of behaviour at pet care app Joii, shares tips for supporting a pet that is experiencing separation anxiety.

Create a safe haven “To ensure our pets are happy at home, we need to make sure they are comfortable with being left alone,” says Heather. As she advises, there are a number of ways that you can create a safe space for your pet, including making sure they have a comfortable place to relax.

“Make the safe haven a place your pet wants to be – drop treats there and have toys available for them, too. Pheromone sprays can also help to relax them – this is something you should plug in near the space.”

Beyond that, Heather also points out that certain genres of music – reggae and classical – have been found to be particularly

soothing to animals, and so it could be worth leaving music on low when you leave the house.

Teach them to settle It’s something that can be often overlooked but, as Heather notes, just as humans can be taught how to relax by using yoga and mindfulness techniques, so can our animals – and it might be key to helping them work through anxiety.

It’s worth speaking to your vet about specific tips for your animal, but there are also some general things you can look out for in cats and dogs.

pet power

Signs of separation anxiety in dogs:

• Destructive behaviour • Howling or barking • Toileting • Trembling or pacing • Excessive salivation • Self-mutilation • Repetitive behaviour • Vomiting “A ‘settle’ is them laying down, but in such a way that it promotes relaxation,” Heather explains.

“Often, it’s when they’re on their side with their hips popped over a little. Any time you happen to see your pet laying down like this, give them a treat.”

Make alone time appealing There are certain ways that you can gradually help your pet come to see a bit of alone time as a good thing. “For example, if your pet follows you to the toilet, pop some treats outside the bathroom door before you go in,” Heather advises. “This gives them exposure to being alone for a short period of time, and creates positive associations by giving them a treat.”

For dogs, you can also try filling a toy with treats, and leaving it in a room where you don’t spend much time – Heather notes how this can encourage them to investigate, and enjoy keeping themselves occupied. For cats, she recommends popping a heat-pad in a space away from you, to help them build a positive association with being in a different room.

Do it gradually Systematic desensitisation is another technique that is also used in humans – gradually exposing ourselves to a fear to aid in overcoming phobias – and it can be used to help pets feel comfortable with being alone.

“The concept is essentially leaving your pet for snippets of time, then gradually building up to longer periods,” Heather says.

This is a particularly good tip for those who are worried about how their animals will react if they go back to a workplace after lockdown. If you can, try to leave your animal alone, increasing your time out of the house as the

Signs of separation anxiety in cats:

• Toileting • Being aggressive • Hiding • Under or over-grooming • Sleeping a lot • Being on high alert

days go by. With time, this could be the key to helping your pet feel calm, safe, and happy.

If you’re worried about your pet’s behaviour, speak to a vet, or visit rspca.org.uk for more information.

happiful.com | April 2021 | 21

Keeping on track

Most of us could be more in-tune with our mind and body, but for those who menstruate, having a clear understanding of your monthly cycle is particularly important. Whether it’s knowing when PMS is around the corner, or pinpointing the days when you’re likely to be most productive, tracking your cycle and mood can be truly beneficial…

Writing | Jenna Farmer

W

e all know that premenstrual syndrome (PMS) is common the week before your period, with 5–8% of people struggling with severe PMS that impacts their lives. But have you ever thought about how it changes throughout your cycle?

There are several stages that make up your menstrual cycle, which usually lasts between 21 and 40 days, and learning more about this, and the hormones involved, can be really useful in managing symptoms and feeling more connected to your body.

22 | April 2021 | happiful.com

Understanding your cycle It begins with your period, and the first day of bleeding is classed as day one of your cycle.

At this time, your oestrogen levels are at rock bottom, so it’s understandable to feel irritable and moody. Oestrogen helps modify the effects of our feelgood endorphins and boosts serotonin, so we can feel teary and emotional when our levels drop as our periods start. As your period goes on, you might notice fatigue kick in, too; this can be due to the drop in hormones but also due to your

iron levels, which may dip with your monthly bleed.

Some are lucky enough that this part of the cycle only lasts a few days, but others might notice it goes on up for up to eight days.

But, once it’s stopped, we head to the second part of the cycle.

Ever have days where you feel like you can take on the world?

Chances are you’re in the second week of your cycle. Here, your oestrogen is on the up, which means your feel-good hormones probably are, too. While it varies for everyone, you might notice feelings of calm and excitement.

wellbeing

As you reach the middle of the cycle, ovulation usually happens.

This is when you hit the peak oestrogen levels, so your moods may continue to be positive, with studies showing women are more sexually active in the days leading up to ovulation. Body temperature rises slightly when ovulating too, so you might feel warmer.

Just after ovulation, our progesterone levels start to rise.

This hormone is responsible for helping our body make the stress hormone cortisol, so you might notice moodiness begin to kick in, along with feeling bloated.

“Studies of women with IBS have shown that symptoms tend to be worse during the luteal phase, just after ovulation,” explains dietitian, and director of CityDietitians, Sophie Medlin.

“The bowel contains receptors for the hormones oestrogen and progesterone, telling us that the bowel is designed to sense and react to them – and the luteal phase is when they peak.”

Assuming you haven’t fallen pregnant, the last part of your cycle is the week before your

period, and it’s here when both your oestrogen and progesterone levels drop in anticipation.

This sudden dip can cause the mood swings we associate with PMS, but this isn’t something that everyone will experience.

Oestrogen helps modify the effects of our feel-good endorphins and boosts serotonin, so we can feel teary and emotional when our levels drop as our periods start

Why tracking your menstrual cycle can help Although we know the science behind our monthly cycle, naturally we’re all a little different.

“Lots of factors can have an impact on our hormones, including: sleep, the foods we eat, especially getting enough fibre and the nutrients which are building blocks for hormones; and, of course, stress,” registered nutritionist Uta Boellinger explains. “When we are stressed, our body produces stress hormones including cortisol.

These take priority over other hormones. So it’s a really good idea to track your cycle to make

sure you notice any changes that can indicate hormonal imbalance.”

Some of this is out of our control, but getting to know your cycle can be really helpful in pinpointing these highs and lows. It has a practical purpose, too; you can schedule in projects during the times in your cycle when you know you’re more clear-headed and productive, and arrange that pampering evening for the time you know you might feel low.

Top tips for tracking your monthly cycle • Get appy: A simple app can help you track your cycle, and receive notifications at different points in the month. >>>

happiful.com | April 2021 | 23

“I really like the Flo app,” explains Uta Boellinger. “Not only can you track your cycle, but also a whole host of symptoms.”

Clue is another good option for this, while Frendo is an app for those with endometriosis who want to track their periods.

problems like PMS and pain. “It allows you to chart your moods and any other symptoms you have alongside it, and is probably the most scientific and wellresearched form of tracking for cycle and mood.”

• Consider journaling: For more lengthy reflections, perhaps try a wellness journal that can allow you to deep dive into things such as sleep, diet, and symptoms. This can be particularly useful if you need to visit your GP to chat about your periods.

The start of your cycle: During your period week, iron-rich foods such as leafy greens and lean meat, can help with feelings of fatigue. Lots of us crave sweet things during this time, and while it’s fine to indulge, you might find upping your protein intake can be more helpful.

The middle of your cycle: Uta Boellinger suggests eating ground flaxseeds during the first two weeks of your cycle, when oestrogen is lower.

“Seeds can help naturally increase your oestrogen, while also providing fiber to support healthy oestrogen metabolism,” she adds.

The end of your cycle: While you don’t want to overhaul your whole diet this week, some studies have found a higher intake of fruit and vegetables seem to help with PMS symptoms. Herbalist Louise

• Grab a thermometer: Your temperature rises around ovulation, so using a thermometer is an alternative way to pinpoint different parts of your cycle. Some women do this alongside other checks – such as monitoring their cervical fluid – and it’s called the fertility awareness method.

“The fertility awareness method is the most precise way of charting your hormones,” explains Natasha Richardson, medical herbalist and founder of Forage Botanicals, which makes natural products for period

24 | April 2021 | happiful.com

Eat to support your cycle

Westra suggests that herbal teas can be helpful at this time.

“Rose petal tea can be incredibly nurturing and uplifting,” Louise says. “If someone tends to suffer from a lower mood as part of the PMS picture. Fennel tea can be good for abdominal type bloating, too.”

Whether you grab a notebook, or prefer to use an app, getting started with menstrual tracking is simple to do, so why not give it a go?

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in perinatal mental health and gut health. She has Crohn’s disease, and blogs about her journey at abalancedbelly.co.uk

Uta Boellinger is a registered nutritional therapist specialising in fertility, pregnancy, and hormonal balance. Director of Cannelle Nutrition in Brighton, Uta has just finished her debut book on teenage nutrition. To get in touch with Uta and for more nutrition information, visit nutritionist-resource.org.uk

try this at home

Are you an empath?

12 signs to watch out for

Listening and communication are strong skills of yours

You’re particularly sensitive to others’ emotions People regularly turn to you for advice and support

You understand and connect deeply with others Others view you as incredibly trustworthy

Others feel calmer in your presence

You can be quite sensitive to the environment around you You often unintentionally mirror the emotions of people and things around you

You may find yourself frequently fatigued, drained by the emotions

Public spaces can feel overwhelming

Your mood can change quite rapidly, from real highs to lows You have a strong desire to help people in need happiful.com | April 2021 | 25

“

Hope is a small rebellion MORGAN HARPER NICHOLS

Photography | Feeh Costa

feel-good food

Overcome fussy eating habits with hypnosis Our mind is an incredible thing. While we may not understand all of its secrets, by utilising the power of storytelling and suggestion, we can change the narrative around our food habits...

Writing | Ellen Hoggard

W

hile I’ve always been a lover of new foods, finding joy in exploring new flavours, textures, and cuisines, I can clearly remember my two brothers not experiencing food in the same way. As a child, I couldn’t understand why they would fight against our family meals and eat only their favoured foods – in this case, Marmite on toast or chicken nuggets. Despite my parents’ best efforts, they often had to accept the failed argument and return to the table

with the usual selection. After all, the most important thing was ensuring we were fed, and following a full day of work, why would they use the little energy they had left on a battle they couldn’t win?

WHAT IS FUSSY EATING? Fussy eating (also known as picky eating or selective eating) is incredibly common in young children, especially between the ages of three and six. It’s characterised by an unwillingness to eat unfamiliar

foods, try new foods, as well as having strong food preferences.

Often, children will grow out of it as their tastes change and they become more inquisitive.

However, there are cases where this behaviour continues into adulthood. It’s here that it can become more of a problem, as relationships develop and social events circulate around food, the person may feel embarrassed by their limited palette. Teens and young adults may also start to notice problems with their health developing. >>>

happiful.com | April 2021 | 27

This could include: tiredness, lacklustre skin and hair, and difficulty exerting themselves physically.

While two common causes of fussy eating include parents having a limited diet, or a traumatic event that has resulted in a fear or hatred of certain types of food, reasons behind this behaviour can vary. If you’re a parent and your child is showing signs of picky eating, firstly know that they may well grow out of it on their own. Be patient and know that you’re doing all you can. But if it does appear to be becoming a problem, there are steps you can take to work with your child to introduce new foods and textures. Likewise, if you’re a young person or adult experiencing these behaviours, there is help available to you.

Hypnotherapy, in particular, is

an approach that can be effective in helping you to overcome fussy eating, and introduce you to the joys and health benefits a varied diet can bring.

FINDING THE JOY IN FOOD “In most cases, children aren’t born fussy eaters, so hypnotherapy can help to understand why they are saying no to certain foods, and yes to others,” explains cognitive hypnotherapist Sophie Parker. “Being a parent to a child with fussy eating habits is not a reflection of how good a parent you are. I am a foodie, so when my daughter was weaning, I earnestly introduced her to a range of foods.

She ate what I ate from six months old, but despite my efforts, my daughter can still sometimes be picky about what she will eat.”

Hypnotherapy can be an effective approach for those who have anxieties or fears

What your child is exhibiting is perfectly normal. Fussy eating is quite often about control and independence, and it will pass

28 | April 2021 | happiful.com

around food. With the support of a hypnotherapist, you can learn to quiet the mind and address negative behaviours at a subconscious level, using the power of suggestion. Sessions will often focus on lowering the anxiety around trying new foods, as well as providing you with the tools to practise self-hypnosis and mindfulness techniques throughout your journey.

“A hypnotherapist can uncover events and experiences that have led to the dislike, or unwillingness to try, certain types of foods. With children, this will be through storytelling and engaging their imagination to reframe their experience with food.”

As well as hypnotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy and solution-focused therapy can be useful to understand what triggers anxiety around food, and identify what changes need to be made.

IF YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR CHILD More often than not, fussy eating in young children is a phase. If you believe it’s a behaviour that isn’t going to go away and/or they’re expressing frustration in the behaviour themselves, you may benefit from seeking support from either a hypnotherapist, a nutritional therapist, and/or a medical professional.

“It’s important for parents not to blame themselves for their children’s fussy eating habits. It’s considered normal for children to be picky about what they eat, or be ‘neophobic’ and avoid new or unfamiliar foods,” says Sophie.

“Fussy eating is quite often about control and independence, and it will pass. The fact is, most children become less fussy as they grow older.

“Food neophobia is thought to be an evolutionary adaptation that helps to prevent the ingestion of potentially harmful foods until children learn what is safe to eat. Framing fussy eating within this context can help you to see things from your child’s perspective. Ultimately, fussy eating habits come down to

control and consistency, which explains why some children may favour more foods like pasta and bread, which in their minds, are tried and tested in terms of look, texture, and taste.

“The key to overcoming fussy eating habits is exposure to a variety of foods and starting small,” Sophie says. “It can take children up to 15 tries before they form a preference for something, so consistency is key. When you want to introduce something new, make sure it’s not their main meal, and involve them.”

Sophie suggests turning it into a game, as emotions of surprise and delight can make eating a fun experience. “It takes the pressure off, by focusing on the activity, rather than eating itself, especially if you’re worried about them going hungry, as you’re still serving them tried and tested favourites.”

For parents of picky eaters, know that you’re doing the best you can. Mealtimes can be stressful for both you and your child, but you’re not alone in

this. Speak to your friends, seek out fellow parents and support groups, and share experiences and tips. The chances are, your child will start trying new foods on their own.

And if not, help is available.

Hypnotherapy can be a successful therapy for adults and children alike, helping them gain a better understanding of what these behaviours are, why they came about, how to overcome them and enjoy all the joys food and mealtimes can bring.

Sophie Parker is a cognitive hypnotherapist, coach, and NLP master practitioner. She is the founder of London-based mind health and wellbeing practice The Inner. To find out more and get in touch with her, visit hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | April 2021 | 29

coaching questions to stay motivated and achieve

10

your goals

When we begin a new challenge, we’re often full of excitement. But, understandably, that energy can dwindle, especially when we hit roadblocks. But with these 10 powerful coaching questions in your back pocket, you can get yourself back on track in no time...

Writing | Kat Nicholls

N

ow and then we all need a gentle push to stay positive and motivated.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling low in energy and uninterested in our goals occasionally, but when this becomes a default state of mind, it’s time to take action.

Here we’re sharing 10 powerful questions used by coaches to encourage their clients to feel more positive, more motivated, and excited about their goals again. So, dig out your favourite notebook and pen, stick the kettle on, and note down your answers to the following...

30 | April 2021 | happiful.com

1. When do you feel happiest in your daily routine?

It’s easy to think happiness only arrives during big life events or special occasions but, in reality, it’s peppered throughout our days in small doses. It takes a keen eye to recognise it but, when you do, you can savour the moment and truly enjoy it.

Think about your current daily routine and when you feel happiest. Is it during your morning coffee? At lunch when you get out for a walk in nature?

Or perhaps it’s in the evening when you cosy up with a loved one? Whenever it is, consider how you can really savour this moment, or introduce more times like this into your day.

2. What were your three most positive moments in the past week/ month/year?

Our brains have a negativity bias, which means they hold on to negative experiences more easily than positive ones. The impact of this is that we need to be really

intentional about remembering the lighter moments in life.

Take some time to think about three positive things that happened in the past week, month, and year. Reflecting on these moments offers a new perspective, and can shift you into a more optimistic mindset.

3. Why is it important for you to accomplish your goal?

If you have a goal you’re struggling with right now, come back to the basics and ask yourself why it’s important to you. What will change if you accomplish this particular goal?

What won’t change if you don’t?

Reiterating the importance of what you’re working towards can give you a renewed energy around the goal, and inspire you to keep going.

4. How will achieving your goal support others around you?

If you’re still struggling with motivation, look at your goal in a different way. We often think about the ways our goals will change our own lives, but have you ever thought about how they will change other people’s lives?

For example, if your goal is to meditate more to help manage stress, think about how those around you will benefit from you being less stressed. Sometimes taking the focus away from ourselves in this way can help us to feel more committed to our goals.

5. How can you motivate yourself?

Motivation is an inside job – you really need to tune-in to what excites you, drives you, and lean into that. Think about what’s propelled you into action in the past, to see how you can recreate that inspiration in the future. Is it about setting yourself deadlines for milestones you want to achieve, or having calendar reminders on your phone? Is it about being held accountable, by sharing your goals with friends or family, or even a life coach? Once you know what fires you up most, you can utilise this in times when your motivation seems to dwindle. >>>

happiful.com | April 2021 | 31

BONUS TIPS • Go green - this colour has been found to boost motivation and spark creativity.

Take a walk outside to soak up some natural inspiration!

• Treat yourself - decide on a little reward for achieving certain milestones, or even just for a small win. This could be a special hot drink, a break to listen to a new podcast, or a phone call with a friend.

• Tackle the tough stuff - avoid procrastination by starting with the tasks that might be more challenging. You’ll get momentum, and once you tick these off your list, it can give you confidence to keep going.

32 | April 2021 | happiful.com

positive pointers

6. What are some steps you can take towards your goal? What will you do first?

Taking action is what makes a goal a reality.

Hopefully, you’re feeling more positive and committed to your goal, so now is the time to think about how you’ll achieve it. What small steps will help you get there? What is one thing you can do today to bring you closer to achieving your goal? Remember, small steps lead to big changes in the long run.

7. What potential barriers are there to you achieving your goal, and what will you do if these barriers come up?

It’s important to be realistic when it comes to goals. As much as we would love to believe everything in your life will line up perfectly and you’ll have no problem at all achieving your goals, sometimes… life happens. A bump in the road might come up, and something unexpected might derail you.

While you can’t prepare for all eventualities, taking some time to think about potential barriers and, crucially, how you’ll handle them if they do appear, can help.

You’ll be more able to problem solve as hurdles arise, and help yourself stay on track.

Remind yourself of your resilience, and move forward knowing you have the strength to pick yourself back up

For more insight and support with your motivation and goals visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk

8. Who can you ask to help you along the way?

Remember, it is OK to ask for help. In fact, having the right support system around you can be crucial to your happiness – we were never meant to do this alone. Think about who you have in your life who could support you, and consider whether or not you would benefit from hiring a professional, such as a coach. This is someone who can listen, support, and help guide you on your path, without judgement.

9. How can you best support yourself right now?

As well as considering your external support, it’s helpful to think about how you can support yourself. Take a holistic approach here, and think about how you’re looking after yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually. Self-care, while you work on your goal, is essential for avoiding burnout. Ensure you build this into your day-to-day routine, in whatever form it looks like for you.

10. What past experiences can you draw on to help?

Reflecting on past experiences and successes is an easy technique that can help you build confidence.

Think about the times in your life where you’ve been challenged, and how you came through the other side. Remind yourself of your resilience, and move forward knowing you have the strength to pick yourself back up should you need to.

happiful.com | April 2021 | 33

flouris

h

Take time for you From boosting confidence to reducing stress, take proactive steps to create the life you deserve. Each of these cards features an emotive affirmation, along with four activities to help you on your self-development journey.

You do not just wake up and become the butterfly. Growth is a process Rupi Kaur

These ins p affirmatio iring n activity cards are available exclusive ly in our p rint edition! P urchase yours tod ay

My tension is melting away

happiful.com | April 2021 | 35

Don’t overthink it

If you struggle with spiralling thoughts that cause you endless stress, here are some essential ideas to keep overthinking under control

1 2 3 4 5

Step back and assess. Gain some self-awareness – things aren’t always as they seem.

Change your mindset.

Flip that automatic negative thinking, and instead focus on what could go right.

Distract yourself. Have some fun, and take your mind off it. When you return to the problem with fresh eyes, it might not appear so immense.

Share the love. Doing something nice for someone else can remind you it’s not so bad, and stop the spiral.

One step at a time. If the challenge or task seems insurmountable, break things down into manageable chunks.

6 7 8

Pause and reflect. Take time to think about how far you’ve come and what you’ve achieved. You’ve risen to challenges before, and you will again.

A little kindness goes a long way. We’re looking for progress, not perfection, so show yourself some compassion.

Talk it out. Just saying those thoughts out loud can make them much less scary, so speak to someone you trust, and never be afraid to ask for help!

true story

How I rebuilt my life after burnout Stephen worked hard and played hard — ignoring the warning signs that his mind and body were sending. Then one day, it all became too much…

Writing | Stephen Lynch

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or as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled to switch-off.

Since leaving university, two-day weekends of relaxation, rest, and energising play have been few and far between.

In 2019 in particular, I’d get up far too early on a Sunday morning, with a diary full of things to do, but short on fun. This would be the time in the week when my mind and body would try telling me loudly that I needed to stop – having built up a relentless habit of working at weekends.

My first job after graduating was six days per week. But even when I broke into the 9–5, Monday-to-Friday world, I still liked to train at the gym for long hours on Saturdays and Sundays. My girlfriend at the time couldn’t understand it, and rightly resented that I felt time spent with her was keeping me from doing other things.

I’ve lost several relationships now due to my inability to switch-off and relax. Being present during rest and play is equally as important as being engaged at work.

At weekends, I would always carry my backpack with me – heavy with my laptop, gym gear, journal, the latest self-help book I was reading, and those all-important smartphone chargers. My laptop even went with me to a friend’s wedding in Malta.

I had a junior role working on a general election campaign in the UK – but somehow thought I was

important and indispensable enough to check my emails regularly during the trip.

My ‘always-on’ working mentality was most clearly revealed through my ‘perfect Saturday’ routine. I’d begin the day with high intensity interval training (HIIT), boxing training, spinning (or some combination of these!). Then I’d take the release of happy endorphins, and the other neurotransmitters of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin into working on passion projects for a few hours.

By early evening it would be time for public speaking class — the highlight of most of my weeks — with some socialising afterwards.

Some weeks I would have arranged a date — capitalising on my peak mood, and assuaging any feelings of loneliness or emptiness for a few more hours.

This routine ticked all the boxes for me, as it combined all of my loves and passions: public speaking (particularly improvised speeches); socialising with like-minded people with shared interests; intense, challenging, but enjoyable exercise; and above all, being productive – ‘getting stuff done’.

In hindsight I was throwing myself into ‘busyness’ for the sake of it – subconsciously distracting myself to avoid confronting the real issues within. >>>

happiful.com | April 2021 | 37

Stephen Lynch is the co-author of ‘Eject the Autopilot: Choosing Self-Mastery over Safety’

I was throwing myself into ‘busyness’ for the sake of it — subconsciously distracting myself to avoid confronting the real issues within Despite a few years of absent mindedness and blank, forgetful moments when asked what I’d been up to, the moment I realised I’d burnt myself out was in December 2019.

The morning before, I’d woken to my usual 5am alarm and immediately felt a strong urge to get straight back into bed and sleep an hour or two longer. This was a very rare feeling for me.

The next morning, my body and mind were telling me to go the long way to work, to stop off at the playground and jump on the swings for a while, to linger over a proper breakfast at a hotel near me. In hindsight, they were trying to delay me from reaching the office.

Reaching my central London workplace a couple of hours later – full of breakfast and caffeine – I knew something was wrong as soon as I booted up my laptop and sat down to write a communications plan for a client. On a normal

38 | April 2021 | happiful.com

day, I could draft one of these standing on my head. But this morning I could barely type a sentence. I was looking at the laptop, the page of my journal, and around the office, when it dawned on me that I was overcome with stress, anxiety, and dullness in the brain.

I felt dead inside. I’d pushed myself too far, for too long. The well was dry, there was no water left to pour, my cup was empty.

This was my realisation that the way I was working wasn’t working for me.

I spent the next five days doing as little as possible – but regretfully accepted three media appearance requests. The ability to prioritise your own health and wellbeing is often the ability to simply say no.

One month before my burnout, I’d booked a one-way flight to Africa for January 2020. One of the questions I began asking in the days leading up to the flight was: how have I got to this point, where taking myself away to a vast, unfamiliar continent, with no return flight booked, was something I decided was a sensible, logical, and rational thing to do in my life?

true story

Out in Zanzibar, I noticed what a better mood I was in when I’d slept well – sometimes with a gratuitous afternoon nap – and not spent hours staring at screens or commuting.

The signs I’d previously ignored included the relationships I’d walked away from, when I felt they were contradicting my ambitious goals and my flawed means of trying to achieve them.

I’d long glossed over my forgetfulness and absentmindedness. Anxiety and stress had slowly built-up to a point where I’d hardly realised they were regular fixtures in my life.

I’d overlooked my Sunday fatigue, and general listlessness throughout the week. My increasing isolation since becoming self-employed I’d chalked down as a necessary sacrifice.

My main lesson was that I couldn’t live or work at 100 miles-an-hour for long. Burning the

candle at both ends was no longer sustainable.

I have learnt to be much more strategic about what work I take on, and how I approach each day. I allow plenty of time for exercise, rest, and the odd inane TV show or film to allow my mind to switch off. I also make more time for friends, and talk to them about anything and everything – except work.

Scheduling fun activities that are enjoyable for their own sake, is a major part of recovery.

A walk, reading a book, or playing a game, are simple antidotes to burnout-induced anxiety.

The coronavirus lockdowns are a challenge for us all, but have presented me with a chance to live at a slower pace – more consciously and deliberately. With time, I have come to see my burnout as a wonderful opportunity to choose a better way of living.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Many of us will resonate with Stephen’s story. We will certainly have felt the stress of having too many demands vying for our attention.

For Stephen, it was a full on burnout that instigated change. Fortunately, he achieved this by looking at life differently, managing his workload, and noticing how having fun is just as important to our mental health as having space.

Particularly during such a challenging time, it’s essential we recognise when work or family demands are causing undue stress. Remember, there’s always help out there, and a different to approach life.

Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr | Life coach

happiful.com | April 2021 | 39

“

There is always light, if only we’re brave enough to see it. If only we’re brave enough to be it AMANDA GORMAN

Photography | Wahyu Setiawan

40 | April 2021 | happiful.com

positive pointers

FOOD BANKS: What, where, and why?

Demand for food banks is on the rise in the UK. Whether you’re looking for support yourself, or you want to help out, we’ve gathered together everything you need to know Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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ccording to the Trussell Trust, in the first six months of the pandemic, nearly 2,600 food parcels were given to children every single day – and between 1 April and 30 September 2020, 1.2 million people in crisis received emergency food parcels.

These figures are just a snapshot of the bigger picture, but they tell a story of a nation struggling to adequately care for those who are most vulnerable.

Poverty goes beyond hunger – it consumes your life, and impacts your mental health. One-quarter of adults in the poorest fifth of the population live with anxiety and depression and, on the flip side, those who are struggling with their mental health are more likely to be affected by income loss – making poverty and mental health a vicious, relentless cycle.

No one should have to depend on charity in order to access food, and the responsibility to work

towards a hunger-free nation lies with the government. But since March 2020, volunteers and public figures, such as footballer Marcus Rashford, have continued to work tirelessly to support those in crisis – fuelled by compassion, lived-experience, and a drive to make a difference.

Whether you feel empowered to support food banks, or you are in need of help yourself, here, we break down everything you need to know. >>>

happiful.com | April 2021 | 41

WHY DO PEOPLE NEED FOOD BANKS? There isn’t a simple answer, as people can find themselves in poverty for a myriad of reasons – including job loss, the breakdown of relationships, illness, and delays to benefits.

That said, in areas where Universal Credit has been fully rolled out, food banks have seen an average of a 30% increase in demand. There is a five-week wait for people moving on to UC, which charities see as a contributing factor – and it’s being challenged by the Trussell Trust’s campaign: Five Weeks Too Long.

ACCESSING A FOOD BANK Where should I go?

The Trussell Trust is the UK’s biggest network of food banks, and you can head to trusselltrust. org/get-help to find a food bank near you. Additionally, if you are in a financial crisis and live in England or Wales, you can call their free helpline on: 0808 208 2138.

Places of worship also often run their own food banks, and there may be small independent organisations in your area, which you should be able to find by searching online, or watching out for flyers or details in local newspapers.

Each food bank may function slightly differently, so it’s important to check what their procedure is, but many work with a referral agency, who will give you a voucher, which you can then exchange for a minimum of three

42 | April 2021 | happiful.com

In the first six months of the pandemic, nearly 2,600 food parcels were given to children every day days’ worth of emergency food. A food parcel will then be created for you, taking into account how many people you need to support, their ages, and any dietary requirements.

What do I need to know?

Visiting a food bank is as much about picking up the supplies that you need, as it is about reaching out for support beyond that. The volunteers who you meet are also there to listen to you, to help you to discover additional resources, and map the steps you can take to move forward.

Something that is often forgotten about life in poverty is how isolating it can be, and a report by the Child Poverty Action Group found that those who used food banks often described the experience as ‘embarrassing’. Shame is a difficult emotion to deal with, but it’s worth remembering that food banks are non-judgemental spaces, where the volunteers are there with a listening ear, and they can also signpost community groups, links with other charities, and support for emotional wellbeing.

positive pointers

HUNGER FREE FUTURE The Hunger Free Future is a campaign by the Trussell Trust to end hunger and destitution in the UK, for good. To learn more, and to add your voice to the movement, head to trusselltrust.org/hunger-free-future

JO’S STORY

SUPPORTING A FOOD BANK

Personal tragedy led Jo to spiral into depression and, soon after, she lost her job during the global pandemic.

She managed to find casual work here and there but, after paying off debts, her income from Universal Credit came to just £250 a month – all she had to pay for all her living expenses. On the brink of homelessness, Jo realised that she needed help, but reaching out to a food bank wasn’t easy, and it took courage for her to take that first step.

Yet when she did, she was immediately supported – given a choice of what food she wanted, as well as additional household products. With this care behind her, Jo was able to address other areas of her life, and was put in touch with Beam – a platform that crowdfunds new career opportunities for homeless people.

Although reaching out wasn’t easy, reflecting on the experience, Jo sees how it restored her confidence in people during what was a difficult and isolating time.

Where should I go?

You may have spotted food bank collection boxes in supermarkets – they’re usually behind the checkout area, and this is a really convenient way to donate. Simply add a couple of spare items into your trolley as you’re doing your usual shop, and then drop them in the box on your way out.

You can also look into donating directly to a local organisation – many have donation times where you can drop off items, so it’s worth checking in with them to see if there are certain days you can donate on, or if they have any additional or specific requirements or requests.

You can also donate money to food banks, either one-off donations or set up a monthly payment. This money helps them to run their services and, in the case of the Trussell Trust, also goes towards campaigns to help end food poverty for good.

What do I need to know?

Food banks don’t just supply food, and there’s a host of other household items that you can also donate, including:

• Toiletries: deodorant, toilet paper, soap, shampoo, dental hygiene products • Cleaning supplies: washing up liquid, disinfectants, laundry detergent • Feminine hygiene products • Baby items: nappies, wipes, baby food Other ways that you can help could be through volunteering your time, or putting on a fundraising event to donate money to your local organisation. It’s also important to keep the conversation going, stay up-to-date with the state of things, and look out for opportunities to get involved in long-term campaigns and movements.

When faced with a problem as big as the one food poverty has become in the UK, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and hopeless.

But in difficult times like these, it’s good to reflect on the things that we do have control over, and which we can help with.

Big or small, in donations or in fundraising, there are ways that we can all get involved in supporting the people who need it most.

happiful.com | April 2021 | 43

Ask the experts Hypnotherapist Fiona Vitel answers your questions on switching off Read more about Fiona Vitel on hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk

Q

I’m feeling stressed a lot these days, and I’m finding it hard to cope. Is this something hypnotherapy could help me with?

A

Stress and anxiety can feel overwhelmingly hard to cope with during challenging times. That’s why so many people seek help, and

Q

Falling asleep is hard at the moment as my mind is constantly whirring. Do you have any advice to help me drift off?

A

As well as good nutrition and regular exercise, deep and rejuvenating sleep is incredibly important. During times like these,

hypnotherapy is one of the fastest and most effective ways of regaining a sense of balance.

The ‘fight-or-flight’ response is identified, which enables the root cause to be understood, and then this is contrasted with the physical and emotional changes of the relaxation response.

Healing images, positive suggestions, and other concepts, are offered to the subconscious to act upon, rather than allowing the limiting beliefs, that create

fear and discord, be the driving force. Hypnotherapy helps to strengthen right thinking by overriding negative conditioning. The subconscious is, after all, the servant and the master! It can’t tell the difference between what is real or unreal, and therefore gives us a great opportunity to programme something new and true. Coping skills are increased, making way for lifechanging self-management.

it can be easy to slip into the habit of snoozing during the day, and arising late in the morning.

When there is mind chatter going on, then it’s time to take action to silence it.

The ‘monkey mind’, as it’s frequently called, brings on doubt, fear, distraction, and even depression. I address this more fully in my hypnotherapy sessions, but there are some ways you can address it by

shifting your focus to reading, listening to soothing music, doing breathwork, and meditation. A warm lavender-scented bath works wonders, as does a herbal tea or warm, milky drink before bedtime. Make sure the temperature of your bedroom is comfortable. And finally, stop using devices like TV, phones, and tablets at least an hour before sleep time – head to p90 for more sleep tips.

Hypnotherapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

wellbeing

Q

With everything that’s happening right now, I’m struggling to relax.

Do you have any suggestions to help me switch off?

A

TOP TIPS FOR THOSE STRUGGLING TO SWITCH OFF 1. Move away from your computer, phone, or whatever activity it is that’s taking all of your attention, and take a short walk outside or simply move to a window and watch the world go by for a while. A different sensory experience helps to make a change to how you process emotions, and will hopefully have benefits such as relaxation.

2. Practise meditation and deep-breathing techniques.

3. Use self-hypnosis to calm the autonomic nervous system, and use picture imagery to transport yourself to other realms – be it nature, or whatever your fabulous imagination can conjure.

Immerse yourself while listening to relaxation music.

For most of us, we never even considered we would have to deal with long periods of isolation, which is outside of our control – or so we think.

Perhaps we don’t have control over a pandemic, but we do have control within our own sphere of influence. Our mind and breath are the best places to start.

Switch off all devices, make yourself comfortable by either sitting up straight or lying down, and take your focus to your breathing. Breathe in and out to a ratio of 4:6, while repeating words such as ‘calm’, ‘relax’, or ‘peace’. Do this until your breathing feels even and rhythmic, and the body/mind has responded to your command.

Listening to soothing music, doodling, using colouring-in books, going for a walk, doing gentle yoga, or sleeping, can all help you to relax. Remember – you get to choose how you respond. You have more control than you think!

happiful.com | April 2021 | 45

Exploring modern masculinity Founder of The Book of Man, journalist Martin Robinson, has delved deep into the chaos of modern masculinity, and has emerged with plenty of insight to share...

Writing | Lucy Donoughue

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can honestly say that I was nervous to speak to Martin Robinson about his new book, You Are Not the Man You Are Supposed to Be. I’ve met him three times before, and Martin has never been anything other than kind and warm; he’s intelligent, thoughtful and has a 25-year career in journalism that I’m in awe of, but that’s not why I was trepidatious.

I was nervous because, among other topics, we were going to talk about the time I made him cry.

It was back in 2019, when I was new to hosting Happiful’s podcast, and I still remember holding my breath as Martin’s voice cracked, and I desperately fought against every instinct to say something soothing, funny, or just awkward.

46 | April 2021 | happiful.com

“You asked me a question about what I’d say to my teenage self, and I said: ‘Get your haircut, buy some better clothes, and it’ll be alright,’ and at that point I started crying. Properly crying,” Martin recalls while smiling at me over Zoom. “It was quite an honest moment, but it was really embarrassing.

“In the aftermath though, it was pretty important for me. I went out on the street, and called my girlfriend saying something like, ‘I can’t believe I was on a podcast crying…’ Then I went into a pub, had a pie and a pint, got myself together, and I just thought, what am I doing? I’m such a bloke! I got a bit upset, and went straight to a pub.”

When Martin started to think about the shape of his new book, that day came back into his mind.

“It really showed me that I’ve still got loads of issues I’m not dealing with. I’d started The Book of Man, and was showing an interest in men’s mental health, but why?

Why was I really interested?”

To answer this question, he decided that his book would be part self-exploration, part documenting others’ experiences and relationships with masculinity and mental health.

His journey began back in the North of England, visiting Andy’s Man Club, a now nationwide, free, men’s support group, set up by mental health advocate Luke Ambler after his brother-in-law, Andy, died by suicide.

“I attended as a regular person would, from the viewpoint of what could this do for me?”

Martin explains. “Andy’s Man Club is kind of group therapy; you sit around with other blokes and it’s no frills. A rugby ball gets passed around and you talk – or you don’t.”

The concept of speaking about his challenges in front of a group of strangers felt alien to Martin at first, but he soon realised his concerns were unfounded. “I couldn’t believe how warm they all were. It was brilliant, and I just thought, there really is more to men than meets the eye. Once you make men comfortable in a space where you say ‘We’re not going to take the piss out of you,’ it all comes out.”

Photography | Ed Miles

relationships

Men and boys are as fragile as anyone else –and shouldn’t we stop pretending otherwise?

From there on in, he examined a lot of the clichés around perceptions of masculinity, as well as the fact that men and boys are as fragile as anyone else – and shouldn’t we stop pretending otherwise?

“There’s a certain strand in masculinity where men are in denial of that fragility,” he says. “I started unpicking that, and where that urge to deny what’s really going on comes from.”

But questioning what masculinity means now, doesn’t come without a backlash, as Martin explains. “There’s often a resistance to men talking in this way, but I keep returning to the idea that this is simply about self-questioning. Trying to understand that is a really healthy process.”

Beyond the personal, Martin delves into issues around class,

poverty, and politics. He’s keen to impress that environmental factors also have a role to play.

“Statistically, you are more likely to have a mental health problem, including addiction, if you live in an impoverished area,” he shares. “People can often blame themselves, and think it’s something that they have to untangle on their own. But it’s not your fault, and it’s important to acknowledge that.

“Getting more men to look at tricky issues is the starting point, because I think we can clam-up.

That’s partly because masculinity and mental health is such a big issue to get your head around.”

But that’s why the work Martin, and many others, is doing is so important – pushing for the next chapter on modern masculinity.

And with his honest selfreflection, challenging the status quo, and asking for change, Martin really is writing the book on this.

Martin Robinson is the editor, CEO and founder of thebookofman. com, a site working towards a new concept of masculinity. ‘You Are Not the Man You Are Supposed to Be: Into the Chaos of Modern Masculinity’ is out now (Bloomsbury, £20).

happiful.com | April 2021 | 47

“

I have learned you are never too small to make a difference GRETA THUNBERG

Photography | Caique Silva

pet power

Did you know?

10 facts about animals that feel like a warm hug for your soul

1

poo is 7 Wombats cube-shaped.

Flamingos can only eat when their heads are upside-down – they’re also naturally white! It’s their diet of shrimps and algae that turns them pink.

4

Much like lobsters, seahorses mate for life – but they also, er’s sweetly, hold each oth l! ve tails when they tra

5

8

Sea otters hold paws while they sleep, so they don’t drift apart with the current.

Dogs’ nose prints are as unique as our fingerprints, and can be used to identify them.

2

Baby elephants like to suck their trunks, just like human babies sucking their thumbs for comfort.

3

When squirrels fall or jump, they land in what seems to closely resemble a ‘superhero pose’.

6

Cows can sleep standing up, but apparently only dream when they’re lying down .

9

Parrots will selflessly help out other parrots, with studies showing they’ll voluntarily help others get food rewards, even if they don’t know the other bird.

10

The national animal of Scotland is the unicorn.

happiful.com | April 2021 | 49

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How to advocate for someone with mental illness When a loved one is struggling, we can sometimes feel helpless as we try to work out how best to support them. But with these simple steps, you can really be there for them in their time of need

iving with mental health problems comes with many challenges. It’s often overwhelming and emotionally draining – and when you’re struggling the most, making decisions, accessing support, and articulating thoughts and feelings can feel near impossible. This is where an advocate can come in to lend a hand.

One common emotion that can arise for someone with mental illness is frustration, particularly when they feel they aren’t being listened to. As someone with bipolar disorder, I know from my own experience that it can be hard to have my opinion heard,

50 | April 2021 | happiful.com

Writing | Katie Conibear

and to be taken seriously. This is why having a family member or close friend act as an advocate for you can be a big help.

An advocate supports a loved one, helps them express their views, and can stand up for their rights. Psychotherapist Baljit Kamal says: “Being an advocate for your loved one who is going through mental illnesses may mean that you are easing their nervousness, and bringing clarity for them. It may include

assisting them to receive the medical attention and care they deserve, and ensuring that their voice is heard, especially if they have been afraid to speak up for themselves.” It really is an often vital role to play in helping someone overcome the challenges that can come with the mental health system.

The key thing to distinguish here though, is that being an advocate does not mean pressuring someone into a decision. You’re there to help your loved one to make informed decisions, and support them in whatever they decide is right for them. Listening to someone’s

positive pointers

concerns, opinions, and fears is hugely impactful.

“The most helpful thing a loved one can do when they are advocating for someone with a mental illness, is to be fully present and listen, without judgement,” Baljit Kamal explains. “Active listening is when you have your full focus on what someone is saying, while making a conscious effort to hear not only the words being expressed, but also the complete message being communicated through nonverbal aspects of communication, too. This may include putting yourself in their shoes, which can be calming, reassuring, and even healing, during moments of crisis for your loved one.”

The following five steps can help improve your listening

skills, and ensure you’re giving them the best support possible: 1. Think carefully about your body language Make eye contact, but not constantly. Try not to fold your arms, cross your legs, look away or at your phone – basically anything that signals to them that you’re not paying them your full attention.

2. Give them space to talk Try not to interrupt or give them unsolicited advice, as this could shut them down and abruptly end the chat. Instead, reflect back what they’ve told you by paraphrasing and putting it in your own words to ensure you’ve understood, and show them that you’re listening.

3. Stay in the moment Try not to daydream, or listen to your inner voice, while they’re speaking. This can also help you to watch out for what isn’t said, as much as what is. You’ll be more able to pick up on their tone of voice, facial expressions, and whether their body language is hinting at a hidden meaning behind their words.

4. Pause and reflect When they’ve finished speaking, take a moment before answering.

Reflect on what they’ve said now, rather than preparing an answer while they were talking. If you need any clarification, try to ask open ended questions that encourage them to explain things in more detail – avoid closed ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questions, as this can shut down the conversation. >>>

happiful.com | April 2021 | 51

Being an advocate for your loved one may include assisting them to receive the medical attention and care they deserve, and ensuring that their voice is heard

5. Be patient Try not to change the direction of the conversation abruptly. What they’re telling you is obviously important to them, so listen patiently, even if you feel other issues are more pressing to discuss.

Allow them to take their time, be open to what they’re saying, and do your best not to judge.

52 | April 2021 | happiful.com

Beyond being there when they need to talk, you can step up to give more practical support, too: 1. Research their rights People with mental health conditions are often vulnerable, may have low self-esteem, and can have difficulty being decisive. This makes it more

likely that they can be a victim of discrimination. It also means they are less likely to challenge discrimination, or feel capable of standing up for their rights.

As an advocate, you can help with this – whether it’s looking at their rights at work, to housing, being a patient in hospital, or discrimination in everyday life.

positive pointers

The most helpful thing a loved one can do is to be fully present and listen, without judgement Charities such as Mind have extensive information about mental health and rights, with links to other organisations that can offer support. Research their rights together, and discuss if they want to pursue anything.

2. Additional support Look into whether there is any additional support they may be entitled to. This includes benefits such as Universal Credit, Employment and Support Allowance, and Personal Independence Payment. As an advocate, you can make phone calls on their behalf, attend appointments such as a Work Capability Assessment (WCA), and help them to appeal a benefit claim that has been turned down.

3. Attend appointments As an advocate, you can attend appointments and help your loved one to explain what’s wrong, especially if they’re in distress or are struggling to articulate how they feel. And there are several key things you can do to help here :

• Talk about the appointment beforehand. Discuss what they want to get across, and what needs to be covered. Consider what could potentially be asked of them, and how they would want to respond.

• Plan your journey to the appointment, and research the setting together, to avoid additional anxiety on the day.

• Be careful not to talk for, or over, the person you are advocating for, and don’t assume you know what the best decision is for them, unless they have discussed it with you beforehand.

Give them space to express themselves when they feel capable, and support them in asking their own questions.

• Take some notes with you to ensure all the points you discussed together are covered during the appointment.

• You can also jot down the important points from the conversation while you’re there. This is important so that you can both look back over the meeting to see what was discussed, agreed on, and any actions you’ll need to take.

• If the person you’re advocating for is having a difficult time concentrating, or taking in new

information, you can be there to help explain their options.

• Make sure to keep them safe.

This might include taking regular breaks, and giving them emotional support to answer difficult or potentially upsetting questions. If you believe answering might cause them distress, you can ask if they would like you to respond on their behalf.

Being an advocate for someone is a big responsibility, and it can feel daunting. But know that being there for them in their time of need, whether it’s simply by allowing them to voice their feelings, or taking a few tasks off their plate, can really make the world of difference.

Katie Conibear is a writer who blogs at stumblingmind.com. Her first book, ‘Living at the Speed of Light’, about bipolar disorder, is out now.

Baljit Kamal is a psychotherapist in private practice, and the founder of Well Space Therapy.

You can get in touch with Baljit and find out more at counselling-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | April 2021 | 53

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culture

Happiful reads...

Whether you’re looking for a comforting novel full of pet therapy, or a colourful collection of affirmations, we share four reads you won’t want to miss this month Writing | Chelsea Graham

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rom Wilma Rudolph to Ida B Wells, this small but powerful book of quotes is a celebration of some incredible women of colour, whose words will inspire you to love yourself a little more. Beautifully illustrated, this refreshingly colourful book makes for the perfect accompaniment to daily self-

love affirmations, and looks wonderful on your bookshelf!

As a certified holistic and wellness coach, Sunny Fungcap compiles a collection of encouraging and motivational statements from those who worked hard to achieve greatness. The icons featured in this book will help to remind you that you can achieve amazing

things when you let confidence take over, and express yourself in a way that is true to you!

Dog Days

by Ericka Waller Out now When we stop to think about life, we start noticing how much has changed without us ever paying any attention.

George, Dan, and Lizzie, each wrapped up in their own lives and happy being alone, quite literally cross paths. With dogs leading them along, they learn that looking around and making connections isn’t so bad after all.

Living at the Speed of Light

by Katie Conibear Out now Blogger and contributing writer at Happiful, Katie Conibear was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2012. Having shared her experiences online to a growing international audience, Katie has now written a no-nonsense guide to living with bipolar, including frank explanations of symptoms, as well as practical advice for facing the stigma of mental illness.

She Believed She Could So She Did

by Sunny Fungcap Out now

Must reads The Sad Ghost Club by Lize Meddings Out now Based on the online community of the same name, this young adult graphic novel delves into feelings of depression and anxiety in an accessible and relatable way.

When we feel low, it’s easy to believe we’re invisible, and that we’re the only ones who feel this way. As a comforting story of belonging, The Sad Ghost Club advocates that we are never alone.

happiful.com | April 2021 | 55

“

Animals are such agreeable friends – they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms GEORGE ELIOT

Photography | Chewy

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true story

Breaking the silence over miscarriage When Bex lost her baby during lockdown, she couldn’t be physically comforted in her grief by her friends and family. So, she used social media to help and encourage women like her to openly discuss a subject that has been taboo for far too long Writing | Bex Gunn

I

nstead of writing this article, I should be on Instagram posting a grainy, black and white ultrasound image showing a tiny human, along with some witty banter telling the world I’m expecting a baby.

But when I went for my 12-week scan, instead of seeing a little baby full of excited, flashing heartbeats, I saw a shape; a still, white shape.

And then I heard the words that have engraved themselves into my brain: “Have you had any pain or bleeding, Rebecca?”

I was told that there was no heartbeat and that my baby had died two weeks earlier.

The aftermath — the messy impersonal, coronavirus-led aftermath — was horrendous.

There were masks and screens and staring eyes and gloves — and no Rob. My husband had not been allowed to accompany me to the scan; coronavirus cruelly robbing us of contact when we both needed it the most.

And then there were the decisions. Should I let nature take its course, go home, and wait to start bleeding? Or should I take the pills that bring on the miscarriage? Or do I opt for a surgical removal? The questions and language barriers between the medics and me were only made harder by masks.

And then, after the longest time, Rob arrived, and the nurses made an allowance as these were

‘exceptional circumstances’. They let him in, and finally there was comfort in touch, and relief, more pain, but shared pain, the explanations, and the begging of the nurses: “Are you sure? Could you have made a mistake? Maybe it’s just too early for a heartbeat?”

What followed was nearly a week of drugs, scans, questions, and procedures. There was so much confusion between doctors about what the ‘safe thing’ was to do during the pandemic, but eventually, five days later, after the drugs I was given to bring on the process had failed three times, I had emergency surgery to remove an incomplete miscarriage.

The hurt of losing a baby is inescapable and unbearable. I’ve never known anything like it. It scorches you from the heart outwards and then, when the initial burn fades, it’s replaced by a deep, dark, ache.

I did everything right. I gave up drinking well before we conceived, I took folic acid, I didn’t eat rare meat, soft cheese, tuna, or egg yolks.

I exercised, but not too strenuously. I selfisolated to be safe from the virus, and I was 100% diligent… and it still happened. It wasn’t my fault.

Baby loss is never anyone’s fault.

Although ‘missed miscarriages’ are not as common, one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, and it’s out of anyone’s control. >>>

happiful.com | April 2021 | 57

You never really hear about it, though. It’s painful to read about, and easier to pretend it doesn’t happen, because miscarriage is brutal and harsh, and no one ever knows what to say.

The baby hasn’t yet seen the world, so the loss is almost brushed aside as ‘less than a baby’.

But what is totally underestimated is the impact that the baby has already made on the world of the mother. We shared our bodies, we planned the birth, we chose names, guessed birth dates, times, and weights.

We’re all still stuck in this place where we think it’s only acceptable to show the shiny, aesthetically pleasing side of ourselves.

Miscarriage is dark, and it is ugly. Yet reaching out and talking to friends who I knew had experienced this aching despair, has been the only thing that’s brought me anything approaching comfort: knowing I’m not alone.

In the absence of face-to-face comfort and physical contact with my friends and family, I began to write. I shared my story on a public Facebook page, and within hours it had gone viral. I received more than 2,000 messages of support, of love, of solidarity.

So, I made a space for women, ‘One in Four – Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support Group’, and overnight found myself with more than 1,000 new friends. All hurting, all desperately wanting to be heard, to be given a platform to grieve together, without shame or judgement. To be able to talk openly about a subject that has been ‘taboo’ for far too long.

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We’re all still stuck in this place where we think it’s only acceptable to show the shiny, aesthetically pleasing side of ourselves. Miscarriage is dark, and it is ugly Without exception, these women said: “I wish it was more acceptable to talk about miscarriage, I wish we could normalise it so it isn’t such an isolating experience.”

And what about our partners? Rob has had to watch on helplessly. He couldn’t be present for the scans and conversations, and to hear the options, yet he has lost a child, too. The physical pain and emptiness isn’t the same, but the grief is all still there.

Losing a baby is new, fresh, and raw for us, but we’ve experienced previous trauma in our lives, enough to know that healing lies in sharing and kindness. Despite the fact that this is way out of my comfort zone, I’m talking about it because it only takes one person to speak out to help, and I want to give help.

Wedding photography | Micaela Karina, Portraits | Nadia Meli

(Left) Bex and her husband, Rob

true story

Bex has teamed up with a friend to create the multi-award nominated podcast and community ‘The Worst Girl Gang Ever’. They can be found on Instagram, Facebook, and Apple podcasts, and are working hard towards breaking the misplaced silence that has surrounding topics such as miscarriage for so long.

The last few weeks have been challenging to say the least. As a wedding photographer, Covid-19 has put paid to my work, while Rob is out every day working as a tree surgeon. This space has given my imagination unlimited boundaries, along with limitless possibilities.

I’ve put things in place to prevent myself from visiting dark places in my mind. The social media support group has been invaluable, along with exercise, reading, and writing.

Experiencing this grief during lockdown has felt very lonely at times. Being unable to hug, touch, hold and be held by my closest friends in a time of extreme grief, has felt alien and wrong.

It added a new depth to the sadness of losing our baby. It showed me how important human

The hurt of losing a baby is inescapable and unbearable contact is, something I’d taken for granted all of my life. I realised that when you experience trauma, you look for it; that contact, that connection, that comfort in touch.

But lockdown has also given us the space and time we needed to come to terms with what has happened, to cry without inhibition or time restraints, to lock ourselves away and begin the healing process, and to continue to love each other in the quiet peace of a world that has been put on pause.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Bex’s heartbreaking story emanates strength as she allows herself to connect with the pain – as difficult as that may be. She speaks with authenticity and openness, shining a light on a taboo topic. It’s impossible to be prepared for this kind of grief, and the process of loss must be experienced for the pain to be

less present over time. Bex courageously connects with people online, and in doing so is able to continue her process of healing, while admirably helping others.

Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred) Counsellor and psychotherapist

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Animal magic: the life-enhancing power of pets From pooches to parakeets, koi to cats, our animals can have a profound effect on our mental wellbeing. But why is that, and are there things we can do to deepen the connection even further?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Illustrating | Rosan Magar

T

hey’re in our homes, our hearts, and our passwords – and it really goes without saying that pets play a huge role in enriching our lives. In the UK, 12 million (44% of) households own pets, with an estimated 51 million pets owned in total. Cats and dogs top the charts as the most popular companions – no surprises there – but beloved pets come in all shapes and sizes, sharing our lives and staying by our side through all the highs and lows.

It’s something many of us will be familiar with, but in their 2019 review animal charity the Blue Cross highlighted seven areas of wellbeing that pets can support.

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pet power

Plant power Not everyone is able to have a pet, whether that’s due to allergies, living arrangements, or economics.

That said, there are other ways that you can benefit from the wellbeing boost that comes with caring for a living thing, and it may be time to put those green fingers to work.

A study published in the Journal of Physiological Anthropology looked at the effect that a transplanting task (repotting or putting a plant in a bed) had on a subject’s emotional wellbeing. The results found that the task left the subjects feeling soothed and comforted,

Those points were: love and company; motivation and purpose; trust; a distraction from symptoms; increased social interaction; exercise; and humour. In a survey, it also found that 43% of respondents felt that their pets were crucial in keeping their ‘mental health in check’.

But precisely what is it about pets that is so beneficial for our wellbeing? With help from an expert, and those who have their own stories to tell, we dive in to the core of these relationships.

The joy of play Research has consistently found links between time spent with animals and a decrease in stress, anxiety, and even blood pressure. They act as companions – warding off both isolation and

and they also saw a decrease in blood pressure. Sounds pretty familiar, right?

Indoor plants are all the rage at the moment, and there’s a variety for every kind of space – no matter how small. If you have outdoor space, this adds another dimension to the experience and, as many of us already know, time outdoors often leaves us feeling invigorated and refreshed. Plants also offer us the opportunity to get creative, as we can plan out arrangements, and train our specimens to our heart’s desires.

loneliness – they help establish a routine, get us out of the house, provide responsibility, and are something to nurture and love.

But, as Kathryn Kimbley – a counsellor specialising in animal assisted therapy – sees it, one of the most important things when considering the mental health benefits is our pets’ ability to help us rediscover the joy of play.

“If we are depressed, anxious, stressed, or worse, then it’s nigh on impossible to play – it goes against every instinct,” Kathryn explains. “If we are able to ‘switch off’ and play, this means that our brains are not in that state of heightened arousal.

“We know that when we interact with animals certain good hormones are released. We also know that other more negative

effects of stress hormones, such as cortisol, can also be reduced through interaction with animals.”

Did you have a pet as a child?

Can you conjure up memories of playtime together? Or perhaps you didn’t have a pet back then, but you can remember the thrill of adventures and play?

Nurturing our inner child can be hugely supportive, and the silliness of animals is bound to bring those old habits back to the surface. But if you ever need more evidence of this link, and there isn’t a friendly animal to hand, Kathryn recommends heading to social media.

“Evidence of the positive impact of the human-animal bond is all the more so now, thanks to social media,” she says. >>>

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“Cute cat videos fill platforms like YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok, and we have to ask ourselves why it makes us feel good? Whether we’re watching wild animals playing or dogs goofing in the snow, in many ways such footage has been the saving grace for lots of us during lockdown and the global pandemic.”

While there’s no true replacement for the real thing, animal videos aren’t to be snubbed, as a study from the University of Leeds found that participant’s stress levels were significantly reduced after watching half an hour of animal videos. ‘Surprised kitty’, anyone?

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All creatures great and small Off the screen, it’s true that help comes in many forms, as Jade Hopkins found out when she adopted a baby tortoise, called Dell, at the beginning of lockdown in 2020.

“Just like many other families, lockdown hit us pretty hard,” Jade says. “Having a tortoise join our family, just when we were all starting to struggle, has really helped us.”

With her family, Jade researched safe and healthy foods for Dell to eat, and together they ventured outside on long walks, to forage for suitable weeds and flowers.

“Dell really has improved our mental health, and not just by being a little cutie!” she adds.

On the other side of the spectrum, Amanda Gaughran found a huge amount of comfort in her Blue Cross rescue horse, Jasmine, following the death of her daughter, Genna.

Amanda’s mental health was deteriorating, which led her to spend some time in hospital while she recovered.

“Caring for Jasmine gave me a purpose,” Amanda says. “We rescued each other in our times of need.

I think she was sent to help me. It proves what great healers horses can be.”

Through our most trying times, animals are non-judgemental companions, loving us unconditionally, helping us to reclaim structure, and challenging us in new ways. And while Amanda and Jade’s pets may look very different, their emotional impact is felt just the same.

Working animals Outside of the home, animals are supporting our mental health in innovative ways. Animal assisted therapy (AAT) is a therapeutic model that uses animals to help people with both physical and mental health conditions. Exactly what those interactions are, or which animals are involved, will entirely depend on the individual and their needs – but studies have found AAT to be particularly helpful for decreasing anxiety, depression, and isolation, while increasing motivation, feelings of being socially supported, and even decreasing the perception of pain.

“Dogs, cats, rats, rabbits, or more exotic creatures such as degu, geckos, or even fish, can be hugely beneficial for us,” explains counsellor Kathryn.

“Whether this is training them, caring for them, playing with them, grooming, or exercising them, it all contributes towards a beneficial human-companion animal relationship, which in turn can be therapeutic.”

Outside of therapy, this is something that anyone with a

pet power

Research has consistently found links between time spent with animals and a decrease in stress, anxiety, and even blood pressure Jade and Dell

Jasmine Amanda and

pet can engage in, and Kathryn suggests spending time aligning your breathing with your pet while taking slow, purposeful, relaxing strokes or brushes. She also points to animal massage, such as ‘TTOUCH’ (a simple technique using light, clockwise

circular motions with your fingers), which can be beneficial for both your pet and yourself.

“Working on small projects linked to our companion animals can be immensely enjoyable, as well as helpful,” Kathryn adds.

“Starting a blog, social media profile, or journaling about our pets’ antics, and milestones can be a great way to not only track their development, growth, and learning, but may be a welcome escape if we are struggling with low mood, depression, or anxiety.”

during the past year. So just imagine the wellbeing benefits that you could unlock by being intentional about the supportive relationship you have with your companion.

On difficult days, when you need a friend, or on new adventures that lead you off-trail and down a path of discovery, give a nod to the animals by your side, and savour their unique ability to touch lives.

By your side If you’re a pet owner yourself, it’s likely that you’ve already discovered many of the benefits we’ve explored here, and maybe even have your own story to tell about the ways that your pet has enhanced your life, or been there for you during challenging times – particularly

Kathryn Kimbley is a counsellor and director of HumAnima CIC, a social enterprise offering counselling, Animal Assisted Therapy (AAT), and training in AAT. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk

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How to make friends with your

inner saboteur Do you find that certain habits and behaviours get in the way of achieving your goals? This could be your inner saboteur at play, and it’s time to take a stand Writing | Sarah Thayer

O

ur inner saboteur is the part of us that routinely sabotages our desires, good intentions, and the plans we make for success or a better life.

We may not immediately recognise this part of ourselves – or even know it’s there – but we can spot the repeating patterns of ‘failure’ we experience when we keep on trying to achieve the things that we want.

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Here, we’re taking you through how to point out, and cut out, self-sabotaging behaviour, so that you can begin to realise your full potential.

1. Recognise your inner saboteur You really want to go to bed early, but you binge on another box set.

You want to start saving money, but you end up paying for your

friend again when you promised you’d stop doing that. You find a job you’d love to do, but you keep putting off the application until it’s too late. You want to harness a closer relationship with your partner, but you continue to argue over the same things.

Sound familiar? All these scenarios could be your inner saboteur at work, trying to maintain your current identity,

a fresh perspective

keeping you away from something new and improved. It could well come from a place of fear – perhaps about the future and what that could bring – or low self-esteem. Whatever it may be, recognising it is the first step to tackling it.

2. Get to know it In order to start working with your own saboteur, list the circumstances in which it appears. How does it sneakily try to outmanoeuvre your positive attempts for change? What do you end up doing instead? When, in particular, does it ruin your dreams and intentions? Are there some patterns you can find?

Next, check-in with yourself.

Consider whether you really do want the change, or if your inner saboteur is actually trying to tell you something. Sometimes we want something because we think we should want it, or because someone else thinks it’s a good idea for us, and we’re stuck in people-pleasing mode.

Ask yourself why you want this change. Then, what will it give you? And what will not making the change mean to your life?

3. Accept that it’s just trying to do its job Once you’ve recognised your saboteur character, and know that you definitely want to change, find out what it’s trying to protect you from. Think of your inner saboteur as having a job to do: to protect us from something our current identity perceives as dangerous or frightening.

Change can feel scary. Certain behaviours could be telling you that you’re feeling vulnerable – perhaps to criticism, failure, or rejection. Of course, that doesn’t make self-sabotaging actions any less frustrating, but it does prompt you to consider whether there’s another layer to what you’re going through.

4. Build a new connection By building new bridges, and even making friends with your inner saboteur, you can stop playing into its hands time and time again.

Once you’ve taken the time to understand it, next time it stirs – perhaps, for example, manifesting as silence in an important meeting you’d promised you would speak up in – how about catching it on arrival, greeting it warmly, thanking it for protecting you all these years, then gently saying to it that you’d really like things to change from now on?

When we’re kinder to that part of ourselves, and sit with our fears, we allow space for a new and more nourishing relationship with our saboteur to take place.

5. Nurture that relationship Just as we know that ongoing kindness, listening, and doing our best to understand others in our relationships yields positive results, it also works for our inner saboteurs, too.

So many of us find it easy to react angrily towards ourselves when we think we’ve ‘failed’ again in our attempts to change.

However, inner saboteur parts don’t respond well to bullying.

They just want to be understood.

So, when we can nurture that part of ourselves, to feel seen, heard, accepted, and understood, it’s much easier for the change, and the transformation we seek, to follow automatically.

Sarah Thayer is a transformational coach helping high-achieving individuals and organisations to slow down, transform past patterns, and to live more authentically. Find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | April 2021 | 65

re flect

Take time for you A moment of stillness amidst the chaos of the day is a chance for you to nourish your inner self. Each of these cards features an affirmation, along with four reflective activities to help you focus that mirror on your own self and needs.

We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are Anaïs Nin

These ins p affirmatio iring n activity cards are available exclusive ly in our p rint edition! P urchase yours tod ay

I accept my

emotions,

and allow them to be, without

judgement

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Priyanka Chopra Jonas:

As yet unfinished She’s the multi-award winning, multi-talented, actress, producer, singer, and all-round global superstar. But, here, we draw back the curtain to speak candidly about anxiety, vulnerability, and the unstoppable force of change...

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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a fresh perspective

S

he doesn’t know whether it was a bug, something she ate, or anxiety, but one night – when Priyanka Chopra Jonas was just eight years old, having recently started at boarding school – she vomited in her bed. Not wanting to disturb the peace, she lay next to the puddle until, late at night when everyone was asleep, she crept out to wash the sheets. She hung them up to dry, slept on an unmade bed, and then remade her bed with damp sheets early in the morning, before anyone woke up.

It’s a startlingly intimate snapshot of the now globally famous, endlessly glamorous star, and receiver of countless accolades – including Miss World in 2000, a spot on Time magazine’s 2016 list of most influential people, two National Film Awards, two People’s Choice Awards, six IIFA awards, eight Screen Awards, and the Mother Teresa Memorial Award for Social Justice, to name only a selection – but it’s one of many that she chose to share in her memoir, Unfinished. As we chat over Zoom I wonder, is pulling back the curtain intimidating? Priyanka laughs in response.

“I was bored with what I was reading when I wasn’t open,” she says, candidly. “Eventually, I think it was very healing for me. I’ve been dinner table conversation for the public for a very long time,

but then the pandemic happened and I think, like everyone, I was feeling overwhelmed, so when I started writing, it just poured out of me, and I didn’t stop myself.”

Although she still doesn’t know what it was that caused her upset stomach that night when she was eight, anxiety is something that Priyanka does have some experience with.

If I talk to someone – friends, family, therapists – about what I’m feeling, it takes away the power “I think all of us do, don’t we?”

She ponders. “We internalise feelings, and that’s what turns into anxiety. But, over time, what I learned is that if I talk to someone – friends, family, therapists – about what I’m feeling, it takes away the power of the anxiety.”

As she reflects on her experiences, Priyanka’s tone is calm, even, and thoughtful.

“I feel it has a lot more control over me when I’m alone – when I choose to incubate or when I choose to deal with what I’m feeling myself, because I’m self-

sufficient, self-reliant; I’m strong, I’m tough,” she says playfully, with a blend of irony. “When I do that, it’s my pride that fans the flame of anxiety.

“I’ve realised that I don’t want to be solitary in my sorrow,” Priyanka declares. “Sadness is seductive.

It feels like a warm blanket. But that eventually starts eating away at your spirit, and changes who you are. You become a liability to yourself, you can’t get out of your own way. I’ve had anxiety, of course, but now I have the tools in my toolbox to deal with it better than I did as a kid.”

Her main tool is conversation, speaking to people she trusts about the things that are going on inside. But it wasn’t until she reached her 30s that she was able to really articulate what she was going through. As Priyanka talks me through the things she does for self-care (“A couple of hours’ chit-chat, being able to have a laugh, talk about silly things – and do silly things!”), I’m picking up on a vibrant, loving, and supportive social life.

But it hasn’t always been that way. While she gushes about the nurturing backing of her parents, when she was a young teenager, Priyanka moved to America and experienced racially charged bullying while at school – to the point where she had to return to India – and she notes similar experiences as an adult. >>>

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Though it was to a lesser extent, Priyanka recognised the patterns when she went back to America to start doing work as an actor.

“I blamed myself for a very long time, and then I reached a point where I realised it wasn’t my fault, and there was nothing that I did or that is wrong with me,” Priyanka says.

A 2014 study by King’s College London found that the mental health effects of childhood bullying are still evident up to 40 years later – but, for Priyanka, this is a point on character. “I think everything really boils down to creating a strong relationship with yourself, and then if someone treats you badly, or you don’t get the job, or you’re having a really shitty day, it doesn’t matter.”

It’s relevant for all of us, but it’s clear to see how resilience is a vital instrument for a woman in Priyanka’s vocation. In her memoir, she recalls a moment, early on in her career, where she met with a producer who instructed her to stand up, spin around, and then listed all the things she would need to change about her body before she was able to become a successful actor – even recommending a surgeon who could make it happen.

It’s a striking, disempowering scene but, when I query how one even begins to build resilience to that kind of encounter, Priyanka

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Priyanka sings with with her father, an army doctor, at a New Year party

e in her and uncl With her mot es nited Stat 1998 in the U

Priyanka winnin g Miss India World in Januar y 2000

is quick to note how this single instance is merely a product of a much bigger problem.

“Women deal with critique of their physical self on an everyday basis – not just by a singular person, but by society. We are constantly told how we could be better. That’s what builds resilience. It’s not one person who has had a tough conversation with you, it’s the narrative that we all live with,” Priyanka explains.

“I could have very easily fallen to those insecurities, I just don’t like surgery. I had self-esteem issues, of course I did, but I don’t think you can make one person the villain of it, it’s a larger narrative.”

I float the idea of ‘body neutrality’ with Priyanka – the idea of creating a neutral relationship with your body, moving away from negativity, while acknowledging that ‘selflove’ isn’t achievable all of the time – an approach that feels more forgiving when faced with the forces that Priyanka describes.

“That’s a great way of articulating that, and it’s exactly what I mean,” Priyanka says.

“Your body is forever changing, your face forever changes – everyone, men and women alike. We’ve got to wake up in the morning and be like, ‘Well, hi, you’re here!’ And be able to be OK with the changes, because the changes will come.

a fresh perspective

All photography featured in ‘Unfinished’ by Priyanka Chopra Jonas

Dancing with children in Soweto, South Africa, as part of her work as a UNICEF Goodwill ambassador

“Change is the most constant thing in life, and it’s futile to chase consistent happiness, consistent success, or consistent anything, because it’ll always come and go,” she continues.

“I feel like confidence is not something you need all the time. Confidence should be your greatest tool. You put it in your backpack, and it comes out when you need it. When you don’t need it, it’s OK to be vulnerable, and it’s OK to feel all the feelings, and it’s OK to be sad and tell yourself that: ‘I don’t need to be confident.

I need to strip myself of the burden of being confident, and be vulnerable,’ and allow yourself to grieve, fail, and feel.

“When you walk out of that door after you’ve felt everything, that’s when you pick up your

during the On set in New York ntico’ ua ‘Q second season of

Priyanka presenting at the 2016 Emmys

I need to strip myself of the burden of being confident, and be vulnerable confidence and show the world what you’re going to do.”

Our time is up and, as I click ‘leave meeting’ on our Zoom call, I’m left reflecting on that idea of ‘change’. It’s now been a year since lockdown in the UK began and it often feels as though time has stood still, or that our lives have been on hold. That said, in this period, many of us – not unlike Priyanka – have been reflecting on the things that have made us who we are today, and the things that bring us comfort, promise, and joy. And there’s

something to be said for the hope to be found in that fact that our stories are, as yet, unfinished.

‘Unfinished’ by Priyanka Chopra Jonas is published by Michael Joseph.

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What a wonderful world…

Here’s a monthly dose of positivity, with a reminder of all the good things going on around us – and this time it’s an animal special!

Writing | Rebecca Thair

NEED A HERO They might not be the first thing you think of, but rats are performing some pretty heroic actions thanks to non-profit APOPO. The organisation trains African giant pouched rats as ‘HeroRATS’, that can sniff out landmines and tuberculosis, to save lives.

Did you know that adult cats only ‘meow’ at humans? While kittens meow to communicate with their mothers to signal when they’re cold, or hungry, as they age cats stop this trait with each other and only meow at people!

HELLLOOO HOOMAAAAN!

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A FURRY FRIEND GOES A LONG WAY UK charity Pets As Therapy has more than 6,000 volunteers visiting places across the country to support people’s health and wellbeing. Taking their temperament-checked pets to hospitals, hospices, care homes, and special needs schools, the programme provides companionship and support for many people in need. But one special project in particular stands out; Read2Dogs helps young people develop confidence and self-esteem, practising reading and public speaking

with four-legged, nonjudgemental friends, and has been particularly beneficial for those with ADHD, or who are on the autism spectrum.

THE DONKEY SANCTUARY An incredible organisation in Belfast is not only rescuing donkeys, but providing essential therapeutic services for vulnerable people in need, too!

The Donkey Sanctuary Belfast recognised the emotional intelligence of these lovely creatures, and has been offering donkey-

assisted therapy for more than 40 years. Initially, the programme centred on children with additional needs, but has since expanded to support adults and children with a range of emotional, psychological, and cognitive needs, by helping with key life skills such as managing emotions, empathy, and building self-esteem.

pet power

CALL IT A COMEBACK Great news for some special species that were previously considered endangered, but in recent years have really flourished…

• Back in 1977, sea otters were put on the endangered species list due to oil spills. But, thankfully, today their numbers exceed 100,000.

• White rhinos are still very much in danger, but the outlook is positive since their numbers have grown from under 100 in 1985, to more than 20,000 now!

• New Zealand loves it’s five kiwi species, but one in particular that’s struggled historically has been the Okarito kiwi, which had as few as 150 left in the 1990s.

Thanks to conservation efforts though, these small, flightless birds have officially been declared no longer endangered, with 400–500 in the wild.

• North American beavers used to be abundant, but their numbers shrank to 100,000 in 1900. But now, due to initiatives in the US and Canada, it’s believed that there’s somewhere between 10 and 15 million of these natural builders.

• As of 2016, giant pandas officially went from ‘endangered’ to ‘vulnerable’, so the future is looking more hopeful. In the decade between 2004 and 2014, giant pandas in the wild increased by 17%!

A new study has found that bottlenose dolphins have personality traits much like humans! The research published in the Journal of Comparative Psychology revealed four personality traits: high openness (creativity or curiosity), low agreeableness (your own happiness as priority), high extraversion (sociability), and directedness (conscientiousness and low neuroticism).

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT Man’s best friend might be a dog, but there are plenty of creatures providing comfort to those in need. Here are just a few of the more surprising emotional support animals…

• Teenager Megan Curran in the states has a bearded dragon, Chief, who provides relief for her anxiety.

• Jimmy, an 8-month-old kangaroo was kicked out of a McDonald’s in Wisconsin in 2015.

• Daniel Turducken Stinkerbutt, an emotional support duck, went viral after a flight in North Carolina, where he was pictured wearing a Captain America nappy and little red shoes!

• Parrots for Patriots is an organisation based in Washington that provides these amazing talkative birds as emotional support companions for veterans.

• American low-cost airline JetBlue has banned numerous animals – including snakes, reptiles, and ferrets – but ones that are allowed to keep roaming the skies are miniature horses.

While we know nature is good for us, a recent study published in the Proceedings of the Royal Society B journal, has found that the sound of birdsong, even if it’s simply a recording, can be a big boost to our wellbeing, partly thanks to the perception of biodiversity – that feeling of being surrounded by nature.

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6 relationship

green flags

You may be aware of relationship red flags – warning signs to avoid – but what about the things that give you the signal that you’ve got a good thing going on?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

C

ontrolling behaviour, breaking boundaries, and not respecting your needs – we’re all familiar with some of the major red flags to watch out for in relationships. But what about the things that can indicate your relationship is healthy, productive, and secure?

Here, with help from relationship counsellor Bibi Jamieson, we explore the green flags that are letting you know that you’re on to something good.

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

1. YOU FEEL SAFE “Being accepted, just the way you are, means you feel safe to be physically and emotionally intimate,” says Bibi. “You can be authentic, revealing all parts of your body and personality, without feeling judged.”

Feeling physically safe might be about both respecting boundaries and controlling body language, and this should be something you can pick up on quite quickly.

Feeling emotionally safe may take a little longer – particularly if you have been hurt in the past – but as you develop as a couple, you should begin to create a space where you can be truly vulnerable with each other.

2. CONFLICT STRENGTHENS YOUR RELATIONSHIP “Conflict doesn’t scare you, because you are secure in your relationship,” Bibi explains.

“When you do have an argument, there is no intent to hurt one another, you repair quickly, and feel closer afterwards.”

relationships

Being able to express your feelings and work through everyday conflict, without fear of being abandoned – or of that conflict escalating to an unmanageable level – means that you are able to consciously create a safe place to explore your fears, frustrations, and desires, all the while learning lessons about each other that you can take forward.

3. YOUR SUCCESS MAKES THEM HAPPY There’s a difference between growing together, and being in competition with each other – and that differentiation is key to a lasting, productive relationship.

Does your partner bring out the best in you, and vice versa? Do you share in each other’s achievements, and celebrate each success equally?

“You root for each other and support each other’s growth and happiness,” says Bibi.

“There is no competition or resentment, and although you have influence over each other’s decisions, you don’t hinder each other’s growth – when they win, you win.”

When there is attunement, you feel each other’s needs deeply 4. YOU ARE ATTUNED TO EACH OTHER’S NEEDS “You can express what you need, and they will meet those needs as best they can – or, even better, they respond to your unvoiced needs before you ask,” Bibi says.

“When there is attunement, you feel each other’s needs deeply.”

This is another green flag that may come with time but, even in the early stages of a relationship, you should be able to notice whether your partner is taking the time to listen to and understand your needs.

5. YOU’RE GENUINELY HAPPY IN EACH OTHER’S COMPANY “You enjoy each other’s presence, and have a sense of humour about both of your quirks,” says Bibi.

Ease, happiness, and joy are all things that

you will be able to pick up on yourself, simply by reflecting on your mood and desires when you’re with your partner – but Bibi adds that this is also something that others will be able to notice about you. Do your loved ones, the people who care for and know you the best, pick up on the effect that you have on one another?

6. YOU FEEL FREE “There is freedom in love,” says Bibi. “You give freely of yourself, you don’t feel restrained or trapped, you do things for each other because you want to – not because you have to.”

Nothing about the relationship feels forced, everything comes naturally, and you’re moving at a pace that feels good to both of you.

You don’t feel a pressure to be anything but yourself, and you are free to continue the rest of your life as you did before the relationship, only your partner is now by your side, supporting you as you go.

Bibi Jamieson is an integrative psychotherapeutic counsellor and couples therapist. She also volunteers at mental health charity Headstrong, and as a couples pre-marital guide at HTB church. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk

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How to build

healthy finance habits Money worries regularly fall in the top 10 causes of stress for UK adults, so let’s take a look at how to balance your budget, and take back control Writing | Katie Hoare

M

oney is often a taboo subject, something we daren’t discuss in social settings, and can even feel a great deal of shame about. At times, we might find ourselves living pay cheque to pay cheque, dipping into our savings, or even checking in at the bank of mum and dad. I know I’ve been in that queue once or twice.

Knowing exactly where our money is coming from each month might not always be a given, and if the past year has

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taught me anything, it’s that understanding my finances can help me feel more in control, and a rainy day fund is actually essential. Often, our finances underpin how we measure our safety, security, and even happiness to an extent.

“Most of us want a better life and desire more security. Having healthy finances can help you acquire both,” says life coach Ayesha Giselle Dornelly, who’s qualified in personal finance management. “To become better in your finances requires

discipline, good money habits, and a solid structure.”

So to take back control, let’s look at four key steps Ayesha Giselle suggests to help build better finance habits, whatever budget you’re working with.

1

Determine your current financial situation This means understanding your total monthly income, your outgoings, and a forecast of your financial future. You can’t tackle your finances without a clear picture of every penny, so in this

wellbeing

instance, facing reality is key. I know this is difficult – the phrase “I just don’t know where my money is going,” was no stranger to my younger self – so take a deep breath, and be brave.

“Firstly, figure out how much you make on a monthly basis,” says Ayesha Giselle. “This should cover all sources of income, regardless of the size. Next, make a list of your expenses. Be precise, and list down everything, no matter how small. Take your time with this, using your last three months to work out your averages.

Sorting expenses into categories can help, so you can see exactly where your money is going.

“No matter how frustrating and long-winded this is, it’s one of the most crucial steps in understanding your financial situation, and can make or break your budgeting plan.”

Once you have a clear idea of your spending, be honest with yourself and remove any expenses that you don’t really need, and note where you could reduce spending.

The final step is determining what your financial future looks like. “How would it look if you don’t create a budget and continue spending – how will this affect your family, your life, what would happen if you had a financial emergency?” >>>

Embracing financial discipline will help bring back control

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Make sure the money you allocate makes sense, keep your total expenses lower than your income, and keep your priorities in order Ayesha Giselle says. “Being aware of your financial situation gives you the power to improve your circumstances – when you know where you are, you will be able to assess what you need to do to get to where you want to be.”

2

Allocate your money before you get paid It’s often hard to hear this, particularly if you spend a lot of time in your overdraft, and feel like your monthly wage packet is already spent before it reaches your account. But embracing financial discipline will help bring back control.

“Firstly, separate your money into different categories: income, bills (essential and necessary payments), pocket money (entertainment, gym, all unnecessary spending), emergency (for emergency only), savings, and business,” says

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Ayesha Giselle. “Make sure the money you allocate makes sense, keep your total expenses lower than your income, and keep your priorities in order.”

Ayesha Giselle also suggests the following priority: bills, emergency, pocket money, savings, and business. “Open an account for each of these categories, and set up automation from your income account to your other accounts.”

In this case, discipline is key to your success, and you should only use the money in each account for its intended purpose.

Be strict with yourself, what really constitutes an emergency?

It can be tough to watch your emergency fund build up when your pocket money dwindles within a few days, but try to determine a real emergency, for example the difficulties that 2020 brought. It makes the emergency

fund far less tempting when we have a real life example to put things into perspective.

3

Differentiate between true need and desire Again this step is about discipline, and getting clarity on what the words ‘want’ and ‘need’ actually mean. If you can’t differentiate between the two, use this: want is something I desire, need is for personal survival, health, and shelter.

“If you need it, get it. If you want it, ask yourself ‘Why?’ Your ‘why’ may turn out to be based on an unmet need – if this is the case, try to meet those needs with a healthy alternative that doesn’t break the budget,” Ayesha Giselle explains. “You could be spending because you’re lonely, so what other ways can you meet your need for connection? Pick up the phone, meet a friend for a walk, or join a community on Meetup to connect with others.

“If this doesn’t feed your craving, and you still find that you really want this thing, try asking yourself if you can afford it three times over. If you can, and it doesn’t affect your budget, then get it (you do deserve a treat once in a while).”

wellbeing

Ayesha Giselle’s top three saving tips

4

How to manage joint financial commitments When it comes to joint commitments, money can really be a third party in your relationship.

Ayesha Giselle says it’s all about honesty. “Create a safe space for both of you to express your needs and your worries. Discuss your strengths and weaknesses when it comes to money management.

Get clear on what your current financial situation is, then discuss your short, medium, and long-term goals.”

It’s key at this point that you and your partner agree on future financial ideals.

“Collectively work together to create a plan to help you achieve those goals,” Ayesha Giselle says. “You’re a team, so be supportive and encourage each other to take accountability.”

Money is a complicated business. So whether you’re splashing the cash or feeling the pinch, budgeting can bring a sense of stability, particularly in the current sea of uncertainty.

1. A simple, stress-free approach to saving is automating things by using apps that round up change and save it without you noticing. Try apps like Acorns or Qapital.

2. Automate your allocated monthly saving fund from your income account. By doing this you’re less likely to forget, and the bank will save your money before you accidentally spend it.

3. Make it difficult to access your savings, by opening an ISA or savings account which requires you to write in advance to access the money. This will deter you from taking the money out unless you really need it.

Ayesha Giselle Dornelly is a life and accountability coach working with change-seekers. Find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk

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Three-bean dream This three-bean chilli is budget-friendly, and anything but basic Writing | Katie Hoare

I

know what you’re thinking; a three-bean chilli doesn’t sound like anything new, but let me stop you there. Often the token vegetarian dish on the menu, I’m calling time on this chilli’s ‘boring’ rep.

This delicious bean mix is the ideal starting point for any chilli recipe, packed full of protein and fibre. And from your base, you can get creative and mix things up with a lighter take on the classic rice side dish, and have some fun with different ingredients by baking your own tortilla chips.

You can get the whole family involved with this hearty and healthy recipe, or make a big batch and freeze it for those evenings when simplicity is the only thing on the menu! Plus this dish can cost as little as £12, including the sides, so it’s budgetfriendly, too. Enjoy!

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Three-bean chilli with cauliflower rice and baked tortilla chips Serves 4 Ingredients For the chilli • 1 tsp olive oil • 1 red onion, chopped • 2 cloves garlic, thinly chopped • 1 carrot, thinly chopped • 400g (can) cherry tomatoes • 1 red pepper, deseeded and finely sliced • 1 tsp chilli powder • ½ tsp cayenne pepper • 1 tsp dried oregano • 400g (can) pinto beans, drained and rinsed • 400g (can) kidney beans, drained and rinsed • 400g (can) baked beans • 2 handfuls kale

If you are a meat eater, substitute the pinto and baked beans for 500g lean turkey mince.

For the rice • 1 whole head of cauliflower • 1 tsp olive oil • 2 spring onions, thinly sliced • Handful of fresh coriander, roughly shredded For the tortilla chips • 1 pack wholemeal medium tortilla wraps (approx 6) • 1 tbsp olive oil • 2 tsp paprika

feel-good food

F nutri ind a t our Hionist on app app iful

Method For the tortilla chips 1. Preheat the oven to 180oC/160oC fan/gas 4.

2. Place the tortilla wraps on top of one another, and cut them into 8 pieces.

3. Place the pieces into a bowl and drizzle with olive oil.

Sprinkle on some paprika and toss to coat.

4. Place the tortilla chips on a lined baking tray, leaving a fair gap between each chip.

5. Bake for 8 minutes, turn and repeat. Remove from the oven when the tortillas are crispy and golden brown. Set aside.

For the rice 1. While the tortilla chips are baking, prepare the cauliflower by removing all greenery, and washing it thoroughly.

2. Pat it dry with a kitchen towel, and cut into small chunks if using a food processor. If

using a traditional grater, cut the cauliflower chunks into medium pieces.

3. Grate or blitz the cauliflower until it mimics rice. Set aside.

For the chilli 1. Heat the olive oil in a large pan over a medium heat. Add the onions, garlic and carrots, and sauté for 5 minutes, or until soft.

2. Add the cherry tomatoes and red pepper to the pan. Stir through the herbs and spices.

3. Add the beans and kale, gently stir until thoroughly combined, and reduce to simmer for 10 minutes.

4. Meanwhile, finish the rice. In a medium frying pan, heat the olive oil over a medium heat.

5. Add the cauliflower and spring onion, and sauté for approximately 8 minutes.

6. Plate up the chilli and rice with a sprinkling of fresh coriander. Pop the tortilla chips on the side, and tuck in!

Nachos more your thing?

Omit the cauliflower rice, load up your tortilla chips with the chilli, finishing it off with a dollop of homemade guacamole.

For the guac, simply mash one ripe avocado with a fork, drizzle in some olive oil, and mix through a light sprinkling of sea salt and chilli flakes.

OUR EXPERT SAYS… A dish full of beans is a great way to increase soluble fibre in the diet, especially when many people fall short of the recommended average intake of 30g per day for adults – this bean mixture alone has 13g per portion! Fibre helps to keep you regular, and feeds our good gut bacteria. A high fibre diet also helps with blood sugar balance, reducing the risk of type 2 diabetes and heart disease.

As a plant-based dish, the beans also provide protein, and are considered a healthy source of carbohydrates.

Making cauliflower rice is a great substitute for traditional rice, adding more veggies to the meal, and contains compounds that may help to prevent cancer.

These compounds support liver function, by clearing toxins and used hormones from the body.

Lorna Rhodes is a registered nutritional therapist, author, and recipe writer specialising in womens’ health, including digestive problems and menopause.

She has a special interest in supporting breast cancer patients.

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THE HAPPIFUL PODCAST

SKIN SHAHROO IZADI

MARTIN ROBINSON GRACE VICTORY

ROSIE GREENCRABBE NIKESH SHUKLA FIONA LAMB MEGAN

• Listen • Share • Subscribe •

Listen to conversations with Skin, Martin Robinson, Rosie Green, Nikesh Shukla, and many others, who share their passions, and reveal the moments that shaped them

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Photography: Skin | Marco Ovando, Martin | Ed Miles, Rosie | Matt Lever, Nikesh | Jon Aitken

I am. I have

try this at home

Feeling overwhelmed?

Tr y this

There’s a lot going on right now, so it’s not surprising many of us are getting overwhelmed more easily.

The next time this feeling creeps up on you, try the following techniques to reclaim your peace of mind Writing | Kat Nicholls

Look up and breathe Go outside, or head to your nearest window, and look up. See the clouds, the birds flying by, and remind yourself how big and beautiful this world is. As you look, breathe in for the count of four, pause, then exhale for the count of four. This can help to give you some perspective, while calming both your body and mind.

Have a brain dump Grab a pen and note down every to-do item swimming around your head. Group them together according to themes (such as work or life admin) – our brains love patterns, and doing this can help us see the big picture.

Now, it’s time to prioritise. As much as we wish we could, we simply cannot do it all. The next tip can help you prioritise things.

Use the 4Ds technique A time management hack designed to help you focus on what’s important to you, the 4Ds

technique asks you to look at your list and decide what to delete, delegate, defer, and do.

Delete – what can you simply remove from your list? Is there a ‘should’ on there that doesn’t need to be done, or doesn’t add value?

Delegate – is there a task on your list you could ask of someone else?

It can be easy for us to think we have to do it all, but by delegating, you may help someone else feel needed, and encourage them to develop new skills.

Defer – what can wait until another time? If it isn’t urgent, but you’d still like to do it, defer it and let it go from your current list.

Do – what can you start now?

Some people like to begin with small tasks to feel accomplished, and start the momentum. Others might tackle the tricky stuff to stop it weighing you down – do what works for you!

Drop a ball Many of us are juggling multiple balls at once, and sometimes it’s not possible to keep them all up in the air. Is there an area of life where you can drop the ball temporarily? Could you order a pre-made birthday cake instead of baking one from scratch? Could you take a rain check on the weekly family Zoom call?

As author Nora Roberts said: “The key to juggling is to know that some of the balls you have in the air are made of plastic, and some are made of glass.”

Recognising the balls that are essential to keep hold of, versus the ones that can survive being dropped now and then, will give you some breathing room.

Learn more about coaching and how it could support you to make room in your life for what you truly want at lifecoach-directory.org.uk

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Ask the experts Counsellor and psychotherapist Katerina Georgiou answers your questions on lockdown love Read more about Katerina Georgiou on counselling-directory.org.uk

EMOTIONAL LABOUR

Q

My husband and I are working from home, but I’m also homeschooling our two kids, and taking care of the house – it feels like I’m responsible for everything. What should I do?

A

With all of that on your plate, it’s understandable you feel that way. I can hear a number of conflicting demands on you, in your various identities

as a mother, an employee, and a partner. I can imagine you’re operating in each of these roles with strong messages inside of you of what being the best in each of those roles requires (e.g. being punctual for work, always emotionally available for your kids, and loving as a partner). Notice what you’re telling yourself, and ask if these are others’ requirements of you, or requirements you’re putting on yourself?

I also don’t hear you factoring in time for yourself. If you can, rather than trying to ‘take away’ things

from your day, try to ‘add’ things that are purely for yourself. So, if you’re cooking dinner, make that dinner and light your favourite candle; if you’re meeting a deadline, meet it and then sing along to your favourite song.

If you can, ask your partner to make you a cuppa or run your bath while you’re doing something else, try these if you think they’ll work. This won’t reduce the emotional labour as such, but it will increase the space for yourself to help you manage these tasks.

MENTAL HEALTH

Q

The past year has been really challenging for my mental health.

I’m finding everything really tough at the moment, but how do I communicate that to my partner?

A

You’re right that this is tough. It can be easy for people to want to try to fix things when we tell them how we feel, and while they may mean well, this can add fuel to a fire, or stop us from voicing our feelings for fear it won’t be heard. So it can be useful to begin with an opening statement such as

“I’m not looking for advice or a solution, I just want to tell you what I’m feeling,” and check what capacity they have to hear you. Also pay attention to what you might need in any given moment – is it a hug, some space, help with a task? If you have access to this knowledge, it’s helpful to ask for it.

Counselling Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

relationships

DATING

Q

I’m on dating apps, but I’m struggling with making a virtual or socially distanced connection – it’s such a different experience.

Have you got any advice on how to approach this?

A

You’re right that dating in this context isn’t ideal – it can feel everything from unsatisfying, to horribly demoralising. If you had hopes of finding love, starting a family or – frankly – even having sex, then this year will have felt like all of that has had to be put on hold. That can feel like a loss akin to grief, or give way to feelings of panic.

Firstly, know you’re not alone in that experience. Secondly, consider moving online conversations to the phone, or sending WhatsApp voice notes. While this still doesn’t replace meeting face-to-face, hearing someone’s voice, and them hearing yours, can allow for nuance, and even a bit of flirtation. Dating apps can also be exhausting, scrolling and matching only to be met with the same kinds of conversations over and over. So why not experiment with something different? If you usually always respond to people who get in touch with you, try contacting them first. Likewise, if you’re the first to message all the time, perhaps only respond to those who contact you.

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“

Happiness comes from being who you actually are instead of who you think you are supposed to be SHONDA RHIMES

Photography | Ronny Sison

a fresh perspective

Putting it on the page Author Nikesh Shukla reveals how his writing career has shaped him as a person, and why he’s sharing his most vulnerable self through his words...

Writing | Lucy Donoughue

W

hen Nikesh Shukla is asked to introduce himself on Happiful’s podcast ‘I am. I have’, he pauses for a moment. “I always feel weird answering these questions, because my natural instinct is to undercut everything and say: ‘I’m just one of those guys, you know…’”

But Nikesh is far from ‘just’ anything. He tells me that he’s a writer, a dad, and probably best known for editing The Good Immigrant – a critically acclaimed collection of essays. His latest offering is the beautiful, poignant, and deeply personal read

Brown Baby: A Memoir of Race, Family and Home.

Nikesh has spent the majority of his adult life writing, continually developing new ways of reaching audiences and sharing stories.

It’s clear that he’s passionate about his craft and helping emerging writers, paying forward the support he’s received, and speaking up about the mental health impact of being a writer of colour, something that’s so rarely addressed in the industry, or beyond.

From mentoring to mental health, and what makes for the best writing, here Nikesh shares the insight he’s gained, the choices he’s made, and the challenges he’s encountered in his career and life to date...

The importance of paying it forward Part of the reason I am where I am, is because at the moments in my early career when I was ready to give up, and I’d lost all capacity for persistence, I had the right people intervene. I’m really lucky to have had amazing mentors at those points in my life.

I had so many people get me to where I needed to be mentally and spiritually. My mentors gave me so much time and space, and I would be nowhere without them.

I can’t ever pay them back, I can only ever pay it forward, because that’s just what you do. When you’re from a marginalised community, your elders pass on skills and support to you, and then you pass them on to the next generation. >>>

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I now do that. I’ve helped writers to set up magazines, find literary agents, and edit their work, and I’ve helped them to understand what happens to you mentally when you get published, or win a prize because no one ever tells you that. I’m not expecting anything back from them. What I do expect is that when they are in the same position, they’ll pay it forward, too.

As a writer, I’m communicating from the heart. I throw myself into my books and it takes a piece of me every single time

Photography | Jon Aitken

a fresh perspective

The mental health impact of being a writer of colour As a writer of colour, people will constantly challenge where you are in your career, and accuse you of being there because of ‘positive discrimination’, or because everyone is so ‘woke’ at the moment. Or they’ll question why you take up certain spaces, and that will mess with your head. Your own community will tear you apart because when you’re the one writer who gets through, they expect you to be representative of everyone, and that is impossible.

For me specifically, the thing that I didn’t even consider as a job was being a public intellectual about race and immigration. I’m a comedy and fiction writer, that’s where I started out, and then The Good Immigrant led me down this weird cul de sac where I was asked to go on the news and talk about Nigel Farage!

My tweets were mentioned in the papers, MPs were reporting me to the Equality and Human Rights Commission, and editors were snarking behind my back saying the only reason I was doing any of this ‘race chat’ was to further my own career.

So you’re constantly made to feel like you don’t deserve any of it. The sad truth was that I didn’t want to be speaking on any of those platforms in the first place.

I just wanted to be writing my dumb jokes, and books about men trying to be better at their lives, that’s all I wanted to do when I started out, and now here I am.

In the two years that I was touring The Good Immigrant, I had a new kid, I was being trolled on the internet, and was being sent death threats to my house, my inbox, and on social media. All of this because I just wanted better representation in books. With all of that vitriol, you start to think: ‘What’s the point? Why am I doing all this stuff?’ and you start to feel alone.

No one tells you about any of this when you start out, so I’ve decided to be honest about it.

The value in being vulnerable I’ve been having a lot of therapy recently to address a couple of things I talk about in Brown Baby, such as binge-eating and depression, and it’s all rooted to a feeling of worthlessness that I have. I’m still trying to understand where that comes from, and I’m working through the murky waters of it.

When I feel stressed, worthless, or anxious, I reach out for comfort. Now my mum isn’t around, and because I can’t lie on the sofa with her, split a bag of crisps and watch Frasier – which would be my happy place – I just reach for the bag of crisps instead. The thing about it is one bag is not enough, the act of eating is what’s sustaining the feeling. The immediate response afterwards is to feel shame, and that’s why I think: “If I keep eating, I’ll be OK.” Putting the binge-eating into the book was my way of carving out a space, because I’m happy to be vulnerable and open with my

friends, and I really want that to be reflected in my writing. I shared it in the hope that other men can start to have these open and transparent conversations, too.

The big questions about parenting My new book is about the stuff that keeps me up at night, such as raising my kids to be proud of their heritage, but also mindful that the world is very racist, and how I – as a father – raise my daughters, but don’t take up space in their life that perpetuates the patriarchy. Also how I might talk to them about my own mental health.

The best writing bleeds on the page I remember when I May Destroy You first came out, Michaela Coel talked about bleeding for your art, and putting your soul on the page, and her words just really resonated with me. As a writer, I’m communicating from the heart. I throw myself into my books, and it takes a piece of me every single time. I think that’s really important.

‘Brown Baby: A Memoir of Race, Family and Home’ by Nikesh Shukla is out now (bluebird books for life, £16.99). Listen to Nikesh’s episode of ‘I am. I have’ on iTunes, Spotify, and other podcasting platforms.

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5 steps for healthy

sleep hygiene

If sleep constantly evades you, it could be time to address your sleep hygiene – and we don’t mean washing your bedding more often...

D

Writing | Katie Hoare

o you find you often answer “How are you?” with “I feel exhausted”? You wouldn’t be alone, but the good news is there is something you can do to address this energy imbalance.

Sleep hygiene is about building a suitable environment and healthy habits for restorative sleep, it’s highly beneficial to your mental and physical health, cognitive functioning, and overall quality of life. It also sets the tone for our circadian rhythm – known as the body-clock or sleep-wake cycle – which is a 24-hour natural process that’s highly dependent on the clues your sleep hygiene sends to signal it’s bedtime.

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For many, sleep may be hard to come by. So, with help from sleep behaviourist James Wilson, AKA The Sleep Geek, we share five steps to better sleep hygiene.

1. Use natural light to set your body clock

As James explains, light plays an important role in sleep, and you can use it to your advantage.

“Getting light exposure early in the morning helps to reset the body’s rhythm, as the light clearly says to the body: ‘Now is the time to be awake.’ This, in turn, helps it feel sleepy at the same time every day. A light box can be a useful substitute if the weather does not allow us to get out into the great outdoors as much.”

Additionally, embrace the darkness. Two hours before bed, dim the lights. Your circadian rhythm is at its most sensitive at this time, and informs your brain that it’s time to wind down.

wellbeing

Getting light exposure early in the morning helps reset the body’s natural rhythm, as the light exposure clearly says to the body: ‘Now is the time to be awake’ expects a dip in temperature at nighttime.

Aside from room temperature, James says it’s important to address the temperature between the sheets, which can also impact sleep quality. He recommends avoiding foam mattresses, and opting for natural materials for bedding, such as alpaca fleece, wool, silk, and bamboo.

Alpaca wool is particularly effective due to its hollow nature, so has the ability to keep you cool in the summer, and warm in the winter. Other natural fibres, like cotton and linen, can also help regulate sleep, as they have sweat-wicking properties.

3. Use your bed for two purposes only

2. Set the temperature

The ideal room temperature for sleep is 18oC, and a bedroom that is too warm or too cold could be disturbing your circadian rhythm, as the body naturally

Do you pull your laptop into bed, or reach for your phone when you’ve barely opened your eyes?

These unhealthy habits can actually affect both your quality of sleep, and your relationship.

If you can, limit your bedroom activities to sleep and sex. When you associate your bed with sleeping, or spending time under the sheets with your partner (or yourself), you’ll establish a clear mental association between your bed and sleep. Your brain will slowly start to register that when you climb into bed, it only means one of two things.

4. Limit your lie-ins

As tough as this may sound, elongated lie-ins can be detrimental to sleep quality. The body prepares itself to wake up approximately an hour before you open your eyes, so if you often lie-in for hours at the weekend, it can disrupt your circadian rhythm.

If you do want to stay in bed for an extra hour now and then, find a snuggly position, but try to stay awake, and don’t exceed an hour.

5. Wash away the day

Switching up your shower routine, so that you enjoy a cleansing wash an hour or so before bed, can have a number of different impacts on the quality of your sleep. The physical act of cleaning yourself can symbolise washing away the day, cleansing both your body and mind. You could even add essential oils to the mix, lavender, jasmine, and bergamot are known to induce feelings of calm. After a warm wash, body temperature tends to drop – which again helps prepare the body to expect sleep.

James Wilson, known as The Sleep Geek, is one of the UK’s leading sleep behaviour experts, helping people nationwide to solve their sleep issues. Visit beingwellfamily.com for more information.

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HAPPIFUL TOP 10

April

Spring into action by learning something new this April. Focus on your wellbeing, and find happiness in unexpected places…

3

Yoga

Yoga can be a really great way to switch off your mind, while keeping your body engaged. Why not find a willing family member and teach your own yoga class? Brush up on your technique with a few YouTube videos, and then try to replicate the poses well enough to teach others. Even if the technique isn’t spot on, you’ll all have a laugh trying! (For inspiration, visit Yoga with Adriene on YouTube)

1

PAGE-TURNERS Beginners: The Joy and Transformative Power of Lifelong Learning

by Tom Vanderbilt When was the last time you learned a new skill? Perhaps you taught yourself to plait hair, or finally mastered the art of wall panelling. An exploration of our brain plasticity and how we learn, Beginners challenges the idea that learning new skills is something only children can do, and will have you juggling all of your new skills in no time.

(Atlantic Books, £16.99)

2

PUT ON A SHOW

OUT AND ABOUT

4

LEND US YOUR EARS ‘Different minds’

Since losing his brother and father in 2013, broadcaster John Offord has been on a mission to raise awareness about mental health issues, and has since begun hosting the ‘Different Minds’ podcast.

Chatting to everyone from Chris Packham to Christopher Eccleston about the ways our brains can work, and how they deal with mental struggles, the podcast offers a wonderful insight into the human mind.

(Listen to the podcast on iTunes and Spotify)

Frisbee fun

Sometimes the simple things possess the most joy.

Why not gather up some family members from your household for a game of frisbee out in the local park? Once you’ve mastered the technique, and have the frisbee moving through the air, try throwing it into the distance and running to catch it. A great, family-friendly way to get the heart pumping! (Learn about more frisbee games at catchthespirit.co.uk)

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5

PLUGGED-IN The Good News Movement

If you constantly find yourself endlessly scrolling through Instagram, then perhaps it’s time to consider whether the accounts you follow are bringing you joy? The Good News Movement seeks to share only uplifting, sweet, and positive news. This is an account you won’t feel bad for getting distracted by. (Follow @goodnews_movement)

Book cover | amazon.co.uk, Adriene | Instagram: @adrienelouise, ECOHOLIC Mother Reusables Thermal bottle | motherreusables.com

6

TECH TIP-OFFS Duolingo

Learning a new language can be a great way to exercise your brain, but is often misunderstood as a huge endeavour. Duolingo gives you the choice of 35+ languages you can learn in small intervals, at any time. Using short exercises, and practice conversations, the app can help you progress in any language, from Russian to Japanese! (Download from the App Store and Google Play)

7

9

IBS Awareness Month

Irritable bowel syndrome is a common, but often misunderstood, condition thought to affect 7–10% of the population.

As a nation, we shy away from talking about gut health, as if it is something to be ashamed of, but IBS Awareness Month aims to get people talking about the daily reality of living with the condition, so that people can get the support they need. (1 April–30 April, find out more at aboutIBS.org)

SQUARE EYES It’s a Sin

Reknowned for his groundbreaking masterpiece Queer as Folk, screenwriter Russell T Davies OBE is back with a flawlessly executed five-part exploration of the Aids crisis. Following five friends living in London during the 1980s, It’s a Sin tells a compelling story of intense love, terror, and uncertainty, in a way that is equally emotional, raw, and funny. (Catch up on All 4)

8

THE CONVERSATION

10

GET GOING

Zumba Fitness If you’re in need of a sweaty exercise session to get your endorphins flowing, Zumba will do just that. A high intensity workout to the beat of catchy songs, online Zumba fitness can get the whole family dancing around the room. With classes held almost every night, you’ll always find a time that suits you.

(Class prices start at £4, visit zumbafitnesslondon.co.uk)

TREAT YOURSELF ECOHOLIC Mother Reusables thermal bottle

As the days get lighter, and spring arrives, there’s nothing better than a long walk with a drink in hand. Reduce plastic waste, and keep your drink warm (or ice cold!), with an Mother Reusables thermal bottle. For every luxury bottle that is sold, a tree is planted, and all shipping is completely carbon neutral, so you can treat yourself and the environment, too! (£32, shop online at motherreusables.com)

WIN!

Win an ECOHOLIC thermal bottle from Mother Reusables For your chance to win, simply email competitions@happiful.com with your answer to the following question: Flat white, americano, and caffè latte are all types of which hot drink? a) Coffee

b) Tea

c) Hot chocolate

*Competition closes 22 April. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!

happiful.com | April 2021 | 93

“

Never give up, for that is just the place and time the tide will turn HARRIET BEECHER STOWE

Photography | Gift Habeshaw

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true story

My monsters and me: how a love of horror helped me face my demons Katie spent much of her life feeling as though she didn’t fit anywhere. Years of bullying, loneliness, and anxiety eventually led her to self-harm and suicide attempts. However, it was in the dark world of monsters and horror that she found comfort, an understanding of herself, and a place to belong

H

Writing | Katie Evans

ave you found that place where you feel you truly belong? That sense of warmth, joy, and relief? Well for me, it was Halloween. As a therapist, I feel I should be talking about something more spiritual or tranquil, but it was, and still is, Halloween.

You might ask why this corny event should mean so much to a 35-year-old woman from Liverpool, but the reason is quite simple.

Halloween is a place for the misfits to belong.

I have always felt like a misfit, either because I hated the way I looked, or because as an only child I didn’t develop the best social skills. I struggled to make friends, and was painfully shy. Everybody else seemed to manage in the world, but for me it felt like a nightmare. I was lonely and sad, and by the time I was in my midteens the depression and desire to die seemed inescapable.

I had a pretty normal upbringing. I lived with my parents in a quiet area on the outskirts of Liverpool. I was close to my grandparents, had some friends, and enjoyed trips away and playing outside. I attended a small primary school and started to do pretty well, despite my shyness. It was towards the end of primary school that the bullying started, a theme that would stay with me, in different forms, until my 20s. In high school it only got worse.

I was a lanky teenager who hit puberty late. I had bad skin, needed glasses in class, and at one point had a head brace to rectify my overbite. I looked in the mirror and hated who I was. I tried everything to fix my looks, and I fantasised about being somebody – anybody – else. In reality, I was an average looking girl, but in my head, I was a monster.

I didn’t have the tools to control any of this, or to manage the huge feelings that I was experiencing.

So much was building up inside me, and the medication that was supposed to help only seemed to make things worse. When I was around 15, I began self-harming. I don’t think it was a cry for help, because I didn’t want anyone to see. But I knew that I needed something. I wanted the pain to go away, I needed to find relief of some kind.

I clearly remember sitting in the garden with my parents on a sunny day, and telling them that my life felt like a prison sentence, and I wanted to be free. It was not long after that I took an overdose; I still feel tremendous guilt about that day.

My later teens saw me start to discover and embrace counterculture. I had one big passion that had been with me since childhood; monsters.

The first picture of me from Halloween is at around 18 months old, clinging to a mask and smiling. From then on, I threw myself fully into everything spooky. >>>

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You can find out more by following Katie’s Instagram @mentalhealth_monsters

I could escape into my fantasy world of colourful creatures and exciting characters, forget about the world around me, and completely lose myself. As life became more difficult, horror stayed with me. I began to watch films, read Stephen King, and my own image became darker. Things that scared other people felt like comfort to me. However, the truth was that the real world left me terrified.

When I look back at my life, it amazes me just how much of it I have spent afraid. Anxiety felt like my normal state and I couldn’t shake it. I was scared of people, scared of failing, scared of judgement, scared of everything; and, honestly, I did not make things easy for myself.

Becoming a goth in Liverpool in the early 2000s meant developing a whole new skillset – the main one being how to run fast in incredibly impractical footwear. I was a moving target for abuse of every kind, and even had men of my dad’s age spit in my face.

But at the same time, I found people who were equally as hated as I was. Others who felt alone, different, and often sad. Others who struggled with mental health, who didn’t fit, and who found safety in the darker things in life. I had a community for the first time, and while I still struggled, I didn’t feel so alone.

When I did have time to myself, I embraced my fantasy worlds. In these spaces, I would be a vampire, a werewolf, or a witch. Monsters were powerful and exciting – they could take

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Anxiety felt like my normal state and I couldn’t shake it. I was scared of people, scared of failing, scared of judgement, scared of everything on the world that judged them, and make it understand their pain. I never saw monsters as bad things; they were just different, and the world couldn’t understand them. Frankenstein’s monster, or Beast from Beauty and the Beast, were seen as ugly and freakish, but I thought they were beautiful, and they often just wanted to be left alone. I could relate strongly.

That’s the thing with monsters and horror, they have always had strong messages within them and have always reflected the psychological.

Creatures who are made to feel unwanted or

true story

feared, are often the victims of ‘normal’ society.

They have emotions, like rage, that take over them until they cannot control it; they hide themselves away, search for companions, they long for peace.

All of these themes fitted the way I saw the world; after all, I had my own demons to work with. Much like my creepy counterparts, I started to find that I could use my difference as power.

I could take what I thought were my weaknesses and my weirdness, and turn them into my strengths. This all came together when I was training to be a therapist.

I was lucky that the teacher on my counselling course also embraced difference, and encouraged me not to lose mine. I saw that my demons now created an empathy in me for those who struggled. Once I had developed my private

practice, I did not hide my own identity, and I still don’t. I have tattoos, I have hair that changes all the time, and my clothes still reflect my goth/punk roots. I am proud of this, and I know that it still fits with my therapy style, which is professional and warm.

I have been able to help so many others connect with their own identities, and be proud of who they are, by showing my own flawed self. I’m not sad or lonely any more. I have a wonderful partner, who embraces my weirdness, and I am able to exist in a world that feels right for me, without having to escape.

Monsters are still my friends, and I am now working on a book project that uses characters from classic spooky stories to help us understand mental health. It isn’t dark or scary, but colourful, positive, and full of life.

My monsters took me from the darkness and helped me feel comfortable in myself: they helped me feel human.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Growing up, Katie had support from friends and family, but still struggled, and found bullying throughout school to be emotionally damaging.

Katie’s life felt out of control, and she selfharmed and had suicidal thoughts. Feeling like an outsider, she was drawn to horror fiction, and connected with the monsters who provoked fear, and yet in reality were incredibly vulnerable.

Identifying with these characters allowed

her to find the strength to move past the persecution she felt, showing us the power of valuing our own identity. Katie trained as a counsellor, and uses her empathic understanding to help others to face and embrace their own demons.

Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) | Counsellor

happiful.com | April 2021 | 97

try this at home

Stop saying sorry for…

Using Just Eat (again) instead of making a home-cooked dinner.

Taking four days to text back, at a minimum.

Being too drained to go for that after-work run you swore you’d go on.

Prioritising your own growth and needs.

Being human.

You’re doing the best you can – and that’s more than enough.

Feeling proud of yourself, and wanting to share that.

Needing a moment to yourself now and then.

Your house not looking like a showhome 24/7.

“

All endings are also beginnings.

We just don't know it at the time MITCH ALBOM

THE UK’S POSITIVE MENTAL HEALTH APP

DAILY INSPIRATION | THERAPY & SUPPORT | YOUR MAGAZINE The Happiful App Happiful App is a product from the Happiful family, which includes: Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource and Therapy Directory. Helping you find the help you need.