Happiful August 2019

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

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WILD ABOUT GRACE Taboo-smashing & filter-free: this is Grace Victory

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Aldo Kane Exploring mindfulness & living for now

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Tune in to you We all do it: push ourselves to breaking point, trying to spin all the plates, hold all the hands, juggle all the metaphors.

We plough on, feeling the strain, trying to stay strong and measure up against some indeterminate bar the world will hold us to. We see our value measured by how many boxes we’ve ticked off on the ‘life goals’ list, rather than by what the intricate calibrations our personalities add to the world, and connections, around us.

But, the question remains, who are we working ourselves into the ground for?

Feel empowered this August, as you hear from our incredible cover star Grace Victory, who broke the wheel of her life in order to start a new cycle of healing. Discover the concept of ‘sisu’; you’ve almost certainly displayed it before, but is it healthy going forwards? And put things into perspective with insight from professional adventurer and ex-Royal Marine Aldo Kane.

A quote from Albert Einstein really captures the spirit of this issue: “Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.”

As we approach summer, we want you to soak up some of that vitamin D – and feel the self-acceptance in the air. It’s time for a breather – from the pressures we put ourselves under, the dreams that have to be achieved today, and the feelings of guilt and inadequacy that weigh heavy on our shoulders.

We love hearing from you, get in touch:

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When we tune in to just how valuable we truly are, the external milestones, accolades, and applause can wait. It’s just white noise in the symphony of our multi-tonal glory.

Listen. Your true self is calling,

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR

@happifulhq

@happiful_magazine

40

The Uplift 8 In the news 13 The wellbeing wrap 14 What is 'sisu'?

Is this Finnish tradition the key to getting through hard times?

83 Hospice Biographers

The incredible charity ensuring life stories of people with terminal illnesses live on

Features 16 Grace Victory

The 'internet’s big sister' opens up about healing from abuse, breaking taboos, and empowering others to live their best lives

26 Put it in writing

The story of how poetry became an outlet for one woman living with BPD

44 Go with the flow

Get to know your menstrual cycle and stop periods from cramping your style

73 Anna Williamson

Love, life lessons, and 'Loose Lips' with the 'Celebs Go Dating' mind coach

73

Life Stories

Culture

36 Jenny: the long run

49 What's on in August

Following the breakdown of her relationship, Jenny was fearful of what the future held until she found solace in reconnecting her body and mind

52 Vikki: discovering who I am Every day was a struggle for Vikki after she developed chronic fatigue syndrome following a viral infection. But things started to look up when she took time to reassess what mattered to her

57 Editor's picks

From self-care to sliders, discover what our Editor's is loving this month

66 Your summer reading list

Nine page-turners to enjoy in the sunshine

90 Quickfire: MH matters

78 Suz: breaking free of guilt

78

Intrusive thoughts plagued Suz's life for years, as her mental health spiralled out of control. It was when her self-esteem was at an all-time low that she finally found the strength to reach out

58

Lifestyle and Relationships

READER OFFER Print

31 Summer lovin'

Five ways to make the most of this summer

32 Aldo Kane

The explorer and broadcaster reflects on how he manages to find calm moments in an adrenaline-fuelled lifestyle ENTER CODE:

70 Life after divorce

32

16

AUGHAPPI

With 42% of UK marriages ending in divorce, what is the emotional impact?

86 One step at a time

How walking saved the life of psychotherapist Jonathan Hoban

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58 Up in your grill

24 Stop counting sheep

Refresh your BBQ with these delectable vegan recipes, perfect for summer

60 Endometriosis explained It's the second most common gynaecological condition in the UK, but how does it relate to what we eat?

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76 Thrive through illness

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40 Sew good for you

EXPERT PANEL Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

BEVERLEY HILLS MA MBACP

Beverley is a psychotherapist, columnist, and lead partner at The Practice, London.

OUR TEAM EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Staff Writer Tia Sinden | Editorial Assistant Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Beverley Hills | Expert Advisor

SONAL SHAH

GRAEME ORR

Amy-Jean Burns | Art Director

BSc (Hons)

MBACP (Accred) BACP Reg Ind

Charlotte Reynell | Graphic Designer

Sonal is a nutritional therapist, health tutor, and director of Synergy Nutrition.

Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.

Rosan Magar | Illustrator

ZEENAT NOORANI

ROS KNOWLES

BA ANLP

NLP AfSFH CNHC

Zeenat is a life coach specialising in building resilience with clients.

Ros is a solutionfocused clinical hypnotherapist.

RACHEL COFFEY

LINDSAY GEORGE

BA MA NLP Mstr

MA Dip RGN MBACP (Accred)

Rachel is a life coach encouraging confidence and motivation.

Lindsay is a counsellor, psychotherapist, and registered nurse.

LIBBY PALMER

SUSAN HART

Dip MISRM MCNHC

MFHT MENT

Libby is a remedial and sports massage therapist based in London.

Susan is a nutrition coach, food writer, and vegan chef.

FURTHER INFO Our two-for-one tree commitment is made of two parts. Firstly, we source all our paper from FSC® certified sources. The FSC® label guarantees that the trees harvested are replaced, or allowed to regenerate naturally. Secondly, we will ensure an additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a suitable donation to a forestry charity.

Happiful is a brand of Memiah Limited. The opinions, views and values expressed in Happiful are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values. Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice

on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only. We work hard to achieve the highest possible editorial standards, however if you would like to pass on your feedback or have a complaint about Happiful, please email us at feedback@happiful.com. We do not accept liability for products and/or services offered by third parties.

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CONTRIBUTORS Lucy Donoughue, Kat Nicholls, Bonnie Evie Gifford, Becky Wright, Ros Knowles, Maxine Ali, Lydia Smith, Fiona Thomas, Ellen Hoggard, Sonal Shah, Lindsay George, Anna Gaunt, Gemma Calvert, Jenny Richardson, Vikki Cook, Suz Yasemin Selçuk

SPECIAL THANKS Paul Buller, James Gardiner, Krishan Parmar, Lo Dias, Susan Hart, Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Georgina Batt, Zeenat Noorani, Libby Palmer, Sophie Lee, Simone Ayers, Lyzi Unwin, Claire Baker

COMMUNICATIONS Lucy Donoughue Head of Content and Communications lucy.donoughue@happiful.com Amie Sparrow PR Manager amie.sparrow@happiful.com

MANAGEMENT Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Steve White | Finance Director Happiful c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Printed by PCP Contact Us hello@happiful.com For feedback or complaints please email us at feedback@happiful.com

FIND HELP CRISIS SUPPORT If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999, or go to A&E Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them on jo@samaritans.org

Head to happiful.c for more s om er and supp vices ort

GENERAL LISTENING LINES SANEline SANEline offers support and information from 4.30pm–10.30pm: 0300 304 7000 Mind Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk CALM The Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is a line for men, and is open from 5pm–midnight: 0800 58 58 58 Switchboard Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt

IN THIS ISSUE

p16

FIND A COUNSELLOR NEAR YOU Help is out there. Search your postcode and browse counsellors in your area at counselling-directory.org.uk

p26

INFORMATION AND SUPPORT FOR BPD For those living with BPD, as well as their family and friends, bpdworld.org offers information, advice, and an active and supportive community forum.

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OCD ADVICE AND COMMUNITY SUPPORT A charity that's run for and by people with OCD, OCD UK offers a huge library of information on their website ocduk.org, and a support line you can call on 03332 127 890

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NATIONAL BEREAVEMENT HELPLINE Offering support and advice, you can call Cruse Bereavement Care's helpline on 0808 808 1677 if you're in England, Wales, and Northern Ireland, or for Scotland call 0845 600 2227

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DISCOVER WALKS IN YOUR AREA Get advice on how to find free walking paths, uncover routes near you, and join walking groups at ramblers.org.uk

SELF-EXPRESSION

Photo series explores mental health, makeup, and masculinity

The Uplift 8 • happiful.com • August 2019

Find out more, and order copies of HIM + HIS, from himandhis.net Writing | Kat Nicholls

Makeup | Athena Pagington, Photography | Piczo

In an empowering look at the topic of masculinity and mental health, model and activist Hélène Selam Kleih has collaborated with makeup artist Athena Paginton to create the anthology HIM + HIS. Designed with the aim of sparking conversation about men’s mental health, the book shares stunning imagery of male contributors decorated with makeup and face paint. A vital component of the series, each contributor collaborated with Athena on a look that reflected their personality and the mantras they live by.

Considering the power of the portraits, Hélène explains that she wanted to create a project that showcased men being unapologetically themselves, which in turn she hopes will help erode the mental health stigma that can hold them back.

“I want readers to hold HIM + HIS as a journal of hope,” she explains.

“A platform to speak honestly, however dark – a means to continue a discussion in a meaningful, albeit light-hearted, way. HIM + HIS is not about taste, but about expression.”

LGBT+

ARTS

New research reveals creativity helps with three key areas Even a little creative indulgence can significantly improve our sense of wellbeing Great news for budding creatives, recent research commissioned by BBC Arts has revealed that even a short length of time spent on creative activities – like singing, crafting, or sketching – can have a significant impact on our wellbeing.

The online survey of nearly 50,000 people across the UK revealed that creative activities can help us manage our stress levels, face new challenges, and explore new solutions to everyday problems.

Produced in partnership with University College London, the Great British Creativity Test asked participants which creative activities they enjoy taking part

in regularly. Researchers then identified three key ways that we use creativity: first as a way to distract ourselves from stress; second to help us contemplate as we reassess problems and make plans; and third as a tool for selfdevelopment.

No matter what your level of skill, trying new creative activities can positively impact how you’re feeling. So if you’ve been thinking about going along to an evening class, or giving a new hobby a try, this is your sign to go for it!

Take the creativity test yourself by heading to nquire.org.uk and searching for ‘The Feel Good Test’.

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

‘Transgender’ no longer classed as a mental health disorder In one giant step forward for equality, the World Health Organisation (WHO) will no longer class transgender health issues as a mental health disorder. In their global manual of diagnoses, issues related to gender will now be placed within a chapter on sexual health.

Considered an outdated diagnosis by many, reproductive health expert at WHO, Dr Lale Say, explains: “It was taken out from mental health disorders because we had a better understanding that this was not actually a mental health condition, and leaving it there was causing stigma.”

Graeme Reid, LBGT+ rights director at campaign group Human Rights Watch, has spoken out about the changes, saying they will have a “liberating effect on transgender people worldwide”.

In a joint statement, nine organisations working on gender identity declared that while the move to the sexual health chapter was by no means perfect, they remained optimistic for the future.

“Today, we know that full depathologisation can be achieved, and will be achieved in our lifetime.”

Here’s hoping future strides are quick and plentiful for the LGBT+ community.

Writing | Kat Nicholls

August 2019 • happiful.com • 9

Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are – MASON COOLEY

COMMUNITY

Library lends ‘bags of wellness’ to support community mental health Recognising the unique power that libraries have in their communities, North Yorkshire County Council has begun offering ‘bags of wellness’ to locals in a bid to boost mental health across the district.

The bags – which service users can borrow using their library cards – include self-help and colouring books, recipes, puzzles, and a relaxation CD, along with information and advice.

The scheme came about following a Dragon’s Den-inspired exercise where staff had the chance to pitch ideas to improve the service, the hope being that the bags will make simple wellness activities accessible for everyone.

“Libraries play an important part in wellbeing, and form the hub of many communities in North Yorkshire,” county councillor Greg White tells Happiful.

“There are very few places that can offer people of all ages a place to explore an interest in books, take up a new hobby, discover new information, and meet like-minded people. Regardless of age, background or income, libraries have something to offer everyone.”

With studies showing that mindfulness exercises increase activity in the area of the brain associated with positive emotion, this fantastic initiative puts North Yorkshire County Council straight in our good books!

Find out more at northyorks.gov.uk

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

August 2019 • happiful.com • 11

Take 5

Is there anything quite as satisfying as cracking a puzzle? We don’t think so. This month, experience the mood-boost for yourself with these two confounding challenges

2

Diagonal suduko

1

1

Like a normal suduko, but with a transversal twist. Fill the empty boxes so that the numbers one to nine appear once in each row, column, diagonal, and box.

9

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How did y eebies' at Search 'fr iful.com shop.happ answers, to find the e! and mor

6 4

3

9

6

7

9 2

1

4 8

7 3

6

Movie emoji-nary

Use the emoji clues to work out the title of these famous films.

️ ️ ️

9

️

5

8

7

6 1

The Going up

Champagne & chips apparently it's the perfect pairing

wellbeing wrap An 'ace' campaign

Amateur tennis player Robyn Moore spent June hitting 200,000 tennis balls to raise awareness of the mental health benefits of sport.

The Breakpoint 2019 challenge was lauched with former British #1 Tim Henman. That's one love to mental health.

Force Blue is an organisation recruiting veterans in Florida for diving missions to help local coral reefs.

Scuba diving can be therapeutic for those with PTSD and depression, so one thing springs to mind: just keep swimming!

BOTTOM'S UP T'ai Chi is helping anxious kids find calm around exams

Emojis | emojipedia.org, Icons | shutterstock.com, Font Awesome: fontawesome.com

Periscope glasses: great for gigs, or a glaring mistake?

Plastic bags Boots are ditching them in favour of paper ones

Vape break San Francisco has banned them until FDA approval

Going down

Itchy eyes, runny nose – the dreaded hay fever season may be in full swing, but soothing those sore eyes could come in the form of tickling those tastebuds. Asthma UK have noted that while drinking alcohol such as wines and beer can make symptoms worse, gin has a relatively low histamine content, so could be your perfect alternative to unwind! G&Ts all round.

100% my type on paper

New research has found that we do indeed have 'types' when it comes to relationships. This isn't about looks though, it's the personalities that have similar traits, and while we might look for something different in a partner post-breakup, our understanding of how to work with that type of personality could be a reason we keep going back – we've already developed strategies for connecting.

TWEET ALL ABOUT IT! THE TOP 10 EMOJIS FOR TV REACTIONS HAVE BEEN REVEALED, AND IT SEEMS WE'RE LOVING WHAT'S ON RIGHT NOW. IN AT NUMBER ONE IS , FOLLOWED BY , AND THEN . BUT PERSONALLY, WE'RE PARTIAL TO NUMBER EIGHT

#SaveTheOcean

In an innovative move to protect our planet, Ocean A test of Mimic have created swimsuits honesty from recycled plastic, and for every $10 spent on a product, In a study they collect 1kg of trash spanning from oceans and 40 countries, beaches! researchers put the public's honesty to the test by dropping 17,000 wallets with varying amounts of money in, and seeing how many were reported. In a surprising turn, the more money there was inside the wallet, the more likely people were to return it!

THE GREATEST SHOW

Roll up, roll up! The circus has come to town, but it's like nothing you've seen before. To make a stand against the mistreatment of animals in the industry, Circus Roncalli in Germany has started using holograms instead of live creatures, which fill the entire arena. The special effects spectactular set the founder back more than £400,000, but has lit up social media, and is going down a storm with audiences.

The futuristic development is a win in the fight against animal cruelty – something to definitely cheer for.

IT'S BBQ (BLUNDERS) SEASON Delivery service Just Eat have launched a 'BBQ Rescue Service', in the build-up to a summer where Brits are predicted to ruin 58 million BBQs. Their research discovered that 66% of us have had either over or undercooked food at a BBQ, and 75% admitted to eating before going to a BBQ for fear of the food on offer!

“

66% of us have had overcooked BBQ food It seems part of the problem is hosts struggling to meet the dietary needs of friends and family, with 16% of vegetarians noting they only have one option (a bun and a salad), while 10% of vegans get nothing at all. If you don't want to rely on a backup takeaway this summer, check out our vegan recipes to make your BBQ a success on p58 – now we're cooking!

‘Sisu isn’t about climbing the whole mountain, it’s just about finding the strength to take the first step’

Sisu Exploring

Never give up, keep fighting, always do the best you can. If you’ve ever had to dig deep and find a strength you never knew you had, you’re already embracing sisu Writing | Becky Wright Illustrating | Rosan Magar

I

t’s a term that dates back hundreds of years in Finnish culture. But, like many Scandinavian words, sisu doesn’t have a direct translation in English – which means it’s quite problematic for me to try to explain.

But it’s a trait you’ve undoubtedly experienced before at some point in your life...

14 • happiful.com • June 2019

T

o help, we can look to the origins of the word for a little more clarity.

‘Sisus’ literally means ‘internal’, which is why it is sometimes translated to ‘guts’ or ‘inner strength’, and is often used synonymously with grit, determination, and resilience.

But, perhaps better than these clumsy attempts at translation, there’s a popular song lyric that I think sums up sisu perfectly: ‘When the going gets tough, the tough get going’ – thank you, Billy Ocean. Basically, when life becomes difficult, your inner strength comes out to meet the challenge.

WHAT IS SISU?

The Finns believe that everyone has a certain amount of sisu within them; it just may sometimes lie dormant or be blocked by fears or uncertainty. Of course, we all face times or situations that are more difficult than others. But sisu is about facing a challenge head-on, despite any doubt or insecurity you may be feeling.

In Scandinavian culture, sisu is viewed positively as the art of courage – in fact, for many, it’s a part of being Finnish. And it’s not only Finland that embraces a gritty element to their national character; the Japanese have their own version, ganbaru, which means to slog on tenaciously through rough times. And, if we look a little closer to home, there’s the concept of the British stiff upper lip.

But, is it just me, or do these concepts feel a little reminiscent of wartime resilience? Should we still strive for this level of resilience in the world we live in today?

In search of an answer, I spoke to Zeenat Noorani, a resilience and wellbeing coach.

“I believe that having balanced elements of perseverance, grit, and resilience allows us to achieve desired outcomes when facing adversity, without costing our mental health. The key to resilience, in order to achieve success, is having a positive and healthy balance in mindset, empathy, and compassion.”

Perhaps, then, it’s the element of compassion where modernday resilience comes into its own.

THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF-COMPASSION

Finnish mountaineer Veikka Gustafsson once said: “The biggest obstacles are between our ears; what we tell ourselves.”

It’s often true that the biggest challenges we face are the ones in our own minds, which is why combining compassion alongside sisu is incredibly important.

Sisu isn’t about ignoring or suppressing emotional pain, and it’s certainly not about continually pushing yourself to the ends of your capabilities, day in, day out. It’s about acknowledging difficulties (whether they are coming from within your own mind or are imposed from the world around you) and doing what is needed to rise above them.

“It is our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours which will, or will not, enable us to reach desired goals. We each need to consider our own limitations and capabilities, and reflect on whether these bring us the results we truly want,” says Zeenat.

HOW CAN WE EMBRACE OUR SENSE OF SISU?

The tricky part about mental strength, grit, resilience, sisu – or whatever you want to call it – is that we know little about how to build it. Although we can all recognise what these traits represent, the meanings and behaviours that accompany them can be personal to each of us.

Zeenat explains: “I assist my clients to foster their skills in resilience and grit through evaluating their own behavioural patterns, and exploring their strengths and weakness. By acknowledging their strengths and weakness, clients can implement resilience by breaking negative patterns, and replacing these with positive thought patterns.”

So, whenever you’re going through a tough time, take a moment to show yourself some kindness. Recall moments in your life when you embraced your inner strength. Overcome that critical inner voice by remembering past times when you exceeded your own expectations in order to get through.

It’s not all about what you can do yourself, or training your internal thoughts, though. One important factor in embracing sisu is that it requires an action-oriented mindset. Particularly when you’re struggling, one of the best ways to access support is to reach out to others. Having the courage to ask for help is perhaps one of the best indicators of strength.

Whatever struggle you’re facing, in whatever aspect of your life, you can embrace sisu. It isn’t about climbing the whole mountain, it’s just about finding the strength to take the first step.

Grace A M A Z I N G

A refreshing burst of energy, enthusiasm and authenticity, Grace Victory has gone from ‘the internet’s big sister’, to a woman who is not only stepping into her own power, but is emphatically encouraging everyone to do the same.

Her honest and genuine nature has helped start many crucial conversations, and empowered others to open up, seek help, and know that they’re not alone.

Now, after starting a new chapter in her own life, Grace tells Happiful about changing course, the role therapy plays in her life, and finding ‘the one’ Interview | Lucy Donoughue

U

“

Photography | Paul Buller

nexpected” is Grace Victory’s response when I ask her to describe 2019 to date. She’s cradling a cup of tea in her hands, as we’re both cosied up on the sofa in the corner of the photography studio, while the unseasonal summer rain pounds down outside.

This scenario immediately feels like a chat with a friend rather than a formal interview – and that’s a very good thing.

Grace’s ability to be instantly at ease with other people, and to talk openly and authentically about her life experiences, is a talent that has contributed to her incredible success and popularity. >>>

18 • happiful.com • June 2019

Blazer and Jumpsuit | Monsoon, Shoes | Aldo, Earrings | Freedom @ Topshop

Top | ASOS, Jacket | Pretty Little Thing

She’s been an online presence since 2011, gaining the title of ‘the internet’s big sister’ due to her honest, relatable, and authentic approach.

Over the past eight years, Grace has amassed a loyal and global following for her work.

She’s a TedX speaker, the author of No Filter, presenter of the highly acclaimed BBC Three programme Clean Eating’s Dirty Secrets, and she’s created a plethora of content across all her channels; covering topics from plus-size fashion and beauty, to sex, trauma, therapy, relationships, periods, and spirituality. She is a woman of great style, and great substance.

“I knew that things had to change, but I don’t think anything prepares you for the change that therapy, self-development, and self-awareness is going to bring you” This year, however, and its “unexpected” nature, came after 2018 saw Grace questioning her life direction and choices.

“Last year was the beginning of my world literally turning upside down,” Grace explains. “I describe my life like a map – there are roads, train journeys... it has all kinds of stuff. And I took a hammer to the whole map.”

Grace left the relationship she was in, stopped producing some of her content – specifically on YouTube – and began working with a therapist again.

“I knew that I needed to heal deeply. I knew that things had to change, but I don’t think anything prepares you for the change that therapy, self-development, and selfawareness is going to bring you.”

Working through traumatic experiences Grace had as a child was part of that self-development, and she’s candid about the impact the therapeutic work had on her, as well as its importance in her healing.

“It was f**king hard! I think if you’ve experienced trauma of any kind, but specifically continuous childhood trauma, you develop really false perceptions of what the world is like. As a kid, I had to learn how to manipulate situations so that I could keep myself safe. If you haven’t gone to therapy before, you don’t know how to unlearn that.”

Grace worked with a male therapist because, she says, “how can I learn to trust men if I’ve never had a male therapist?”, and as well as addressing the past, Grace had the realisation that she needed to explore her adult relationships too, acknowledging her challenges around vulnerability and intimacy.

“I remember having this light bulb moment,” she shares. “I realised that with sex, I used to always perform. It was never really like true, like authentic. And I pride myself on being authentic.”

After a month of therapy, the first unexpected life-shift happened.

Grace met Lee, the man she now describes as being her “soulmate” – although the first time they spoke, she was left in tears… >>>

August 2019 • happiful.com • 19

EXCITING NEWS! We’re delighted to announce that Grace Victory is Happiful’s new – and first ever – columnist. Be sure to check out our September issue for Grace’s first column with us – available from 15 August.

“I think more women should believe that they deserve to be happy and ascend in their power” 20 • happiful.com • August 2019

“I met this guy on Bumble,” she smiles broadly. “I literally knew within a second that he was ‘the one’.”

Lee and Grace took the conversation from online, to phoneline and: “After we had our first conversation, I panicked. I cried. I actually cried! I was like: ‘I’ve just met my soulmate, the other half of me. And now I’m sh*tting it!’

“I’d made all these plans to work on myself, and be single to work on myself, which I’m still doing, but the universe works in wonderful ways and it was obviously time that we met.”

Earlier this year, Grace left south London and moved in with Lee, in north-west London, where, she says, the energy feels positively different, and there is a massive sense of community – something that pleases her, as a self-professed homebody.

Moving in with Lee has also signalled a different type of ‘homecoming’, and Grace is reflective about their new beginning together. “I feel like I’ve worked so hard to have this life, and it’s slowly forming in front of me. This is what I always wanted as a kid.”

In true Grace style, she’s keen to point out that there have been learnings along the way. “I believe in astrology and I’m a Virgo, so I’m very organised and a clean freak – I like things in their places,” she laughs. “Whereas Lee is a Pisces – the complete opposite – just spread out and doesn’t realise how much work it takes to have a nice, clean, tidy home. So it’s been a journey and we’re learning how to

compromise, and to show up for each other, but also for ourselves.”

Despite their differences around domestic issues, Grace is clearly deeply in love, and watching the two of them chat on her recent YouTube post, it’s obvious that the feeling is mutual.

The fact that Lee had started therapy prior to their meeting is an important factor in their relationship, according to Grace. “I think it’s really weird that Lee had just had his first session of therapy before meeting me! I always said I couldn’t date a man who’s not in therapy. I think it’s because I’m so self-aware and healing, and I need a man who’s doing the same.”

She’s deeply respectful of Lee and his experiences of counselling.

“I’m really proud of him for going to therapy; I think mental health for men is such a minefield – it’s even more taboo than it is for women, especially being a black man. In the Jamaican and Caribbean culture, it’s so taboo and under the radar.”

Lee’s transparency around mental health support has had a ripple effect, too, opening up the possibility of counselling to members of his family, friends, and colleagues within the music profession. “Talking about mental health, especially for black men in that industry, it’s just incredible,” Grace enthuses. “I’m so proud of him. I just love him – he’s the most incredible man I have ever met.

He’s just like this beam of light.”

Grace has an amazingly positive energy. She says what she feels – and she says it with gusto. She’s passionate about mental health and wellness, and is committed

Playsuit | New Look, Shoes | Kurt Geiger

to spreading the word about the power of therapy, and promoting the type of self-belief she demonstrated when she changed her own life-direction last year.

And for cynics who might feel that self-belief is easier for someone who has the success Grace has now? They would do well to look at her journey to the place she is in today. “It’s a privilege for some not to have self-belief,” Grace asserts.

“I think that if you go around life and you get things handed to you, you’re obviously not going to believe anything bigger than that, because it’s just normal to you.

“Whereas me, I had to believe that I was going to get out of my family situation, the home town I grew up in, I had to believe that, otherwise life would have been really f**king sh*t. So, I have great self-belief because I think it can get you places nothing else can.

“I haven’t gone to university,” Grace continues. “I wasn’t particularly academic. I just lead a really incredible life because I believe that I deserve it. I think more women should believe that they deserve to be happy and ascend in their power.”

Embracing her own power, and championing others, is important to Grace. She has started a new must-listen podcast, ‘The Sister Space’, with good friend Simone Powderly, to address everything from surving childhood sexual abuse and learning to be without trauma, to changing careers, sex positivity, spirituality, and body love. It’s full of honest talk, emotional vulnerability, and women supporting, and proudly celebrating, other women. >>>

Dress | ASOS

In addition to her podcast, Grace is now training to become a trauma therapist. She is constantly curious about the world around her, both the physical and spiritual, and talks enthusiastically about discovering astrology, crystal healing, and using the gift of intuition. Power, for her, is knowledge of her own mind, body and soul, as well as the greater universe. “I’m a sponge,” she says, explaining her love and need to continually learn.

Grace lists the books and theories that have helped her, alongside therapy, crediting The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, for focusing her thoughts on the spiritual laws of life, manifestations, and the vibrations within the universe – love being the highest, and shame being the lowest. The way we speak to ourselves, she says, has the power to raise our own loving vibrations and generally improve our health.

However, A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, was the book that changed her life and relationship with her inner self.

“It sparked everything, and I started learning more and more.

I recognised the internal change that was happening for me, which lead to thinking about what we put in our bodies – not necessarily food, but what we read, what we say about ourselves, the products that we use – and the big one for me was contraception.

“So, I came off the pill and my womb went into meltdown. I bled every day for about a year, and was getting thrush every month. I was in therapy and

talking about sexual trauma, and I wondered whether there was a link between women, wombs, and pain? I started to do some research and came across information about manifesting, and how your womb is your second heart; it has its own beat and it’s silenced by false periods and contraception.

“The GP had no idea what was happening, so I just kept on researching, used essential oils, massage, meditation and breathwork. I was Googling ‘womb meditation’ and ‘how to heal your womb naturally’, and from the outside I must have looked crazy – but it worked.”

“You don’t have to be unhappy, you don’t have to live an ‘alright’ life, you can lead a wonderful life if you believe that you are worthy of it” Grace was relieved to find that her periods returned to normal, the thrush disappeared, and she felt more grounded. “It was all because I was looking inside of myself. It was about being curious and knowing that we are powerful beings. That’s why I think I’ve healed so much; I

wasn’t just thinking about my mind or my body, I was thinking about my soul.”

Grace wants to share all that she has witnessed and learned about being well and working on ourselves, with her audiences. “I know that people who follow me, in terms of maybe class or race, don’t always have access to this language, this mental health and wellness education.

“The wellness industry can be quite privileged and whitewashed – and its really sacred. The wellness industry, their beliefs are coming from African and Greek mythology, so I want to talk to my people in the language that I, and they understand.

“It seems to be what I’m meant to do, to make healing accessible, and to let people know that you don’t have to be unhappy, you don’t have to live an ‘alright’ life, you can lead a wonderful life if you believe that you are worthy of it.”

“I want to tell them that everything you need to do that is inside of you,” Grace smiles.

“It’s just about remembering how powerful you are without anything else – just you.”

Follow Grace on Instagram @gracefvictory, and read more from her at graciefrancesca.com. The ‘Sister Space’ podcast is available now, and you can listen to Grace on Happiful’s podcast ‘I am. I have’ from 22 July.

Styling | Krishan Parmar Hair and Makeup | Lo Dias using Morphe, NARS, and YSL

August 2019 • happiful.com • 23

How to get a

good night’s sleep

Anxiety, stress, noise, or even your phone or computer, could be coming between you and eight hours of delightful rest. So here are some simple steps that will get you blissfully back to the land of dreams Writing | Ros Knowles Illustrating | Rosan Magar

W

e all know we feel great after a good night’s sleep – we wake feeling refreshed and ready for the day! However, it is not always easy to achieve, and many people suffer from insomnia.

There can be various reasons for this, such as noise, disturbance,

or pain. But the usual cause is often anxiety or stress. As a hypnotherapist, I regularly work with people to reduce their anxiety, in order for them to feel calm, and to sleep well again.

If we are suffering from anxiety, this will typically make us wake in the night feeling miserable, and leave us unable to get back to sleep, often with negative thoughts

constantly going around our head in a loop.

While we’re asleep, our brain has periods of rapid eye movement (REM) sleep, when our brain processes thoughts, emotions, and experiences, moving them from the subconscious to the conscious part of our mind, so we can come up with solutions to problems. So, ‘sleep on it’ is great advice!

The brain and the body are very busy while we rest – they restore and rebuild cells, and fight off infections. The brain cleans itself, removing the debris of the day. Sleep also provides the brain with time to embed memories, so reinforcing what we are learning.

REM sleep is also a time when we can replay and process stressful events in a peaceful environment, and these can appear to us as dreams.

So it comes as no surprise that a good night’s sleep can do wonders. Here are five top tips to help you get that essential peaceful night:

circadian rhythm, where we would sleep when the sun went down, and rise when it came back up again.

In the past, people would have had segmented sleep, a pattern of four hours sleep, two hours awake, and then another four hours sleep before morning.

3 TURN OFF ALL SCREENS AT LEAST AN HOUR BEFORE BEDTIME

The blue light from devices can suppress the production of the sleep-inducing hormone

1 TAKE BREAKS FROM WORK DURING THE DAY

Have breaks away from your desk to help you reduce anxiety. It is tempting to keep going, but you need to ease off the pressure, relax, think about something else, and let your brain process your thoughts – frequent breaks are good for you, and help you to find solutions and ideas.

Decide to forget about work in the evening. Choose a cut-off time when you stop looking at emails and messages, and focus on relaxing instead. You deserve time to rest!

2 PLAN YOUR BEDTIME

Allow time for enough sleep.

It’s easy to be tempted to stay up late, but give yourself a reasonable chance to get eight hours of rest.

Since the advent of electricity, we no longer set our daily routines to our natural

4 KEEP YOUR BEDROOM A PEACEFUL PLACE

The bedroom should be designed for relaxation and rest, so remove anything that is not necessary, such as laundry or anything work-related.

Keep the lighting soft, choose curtains or blinds that keep the light out, and make sure the room is dark when you go to sleep. Decorate it with restful colours, with beautiful artwork, objects, and accessories, to make it a room you enjoy, that feels like a sanctuary.

Many people find the smell of lavender helps them relax; try a few drops of lavender essential oil on your pillow.

5 FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES

melatonin. This hormone makes us feel naturally drowsy, so we need it to work for us, and take us into sleep.

If you have a bedside clock with an LED display, it might be a good idea to change it to a more conventional one, as the light could interfere with your sleep. Remove devices with screens from the bedroom to avoid temptation! If you read before you go to sleep, choose a ‘real’ book where you can.

If you suffer from anxiety, remember to focus on what has been good during the day, rather than any problems. It is too easy to dwell on what went wrong.

Remember the things that were good, that made you happy, however small or big. This is a good habit to acquire, as we often don’t notice the nice things. Get used to enjoying the happy moments!

Just before you go to sleep, think of at least three good things that happened that day – you may think of more.

Sleep well!

Ros Knowles is a clinical hypnotherapist practising solution-focused hypnotherapy, helping people to make positive changes in their lives. Visit dovehousehypnotherapy.com

Writing for change Diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in her early 20s, Rosie felt ashamed, isolated and confused. The stigma of BPD has silenced people for years – but she’s had enough.

Through her poetry, Rosie is leading the way for change, and showing that everyone deserves love, support, and most importantly, a voice Writing | Maxine Ali

M

ental illness can often feel like a silent struggle.

Finding and sharing the right words to capture the confusion and emotion of life with a mental health condition is no mean feat. It is especially challenging because these feelings are not always visible to the outside world.

Even with various efforts being made to end the stigma, silence remains an experience for many when it comes to discussing our own mental health.

For Rosie, silence was a defining part of her early experiences as she navigated life with a mental illness. “In the beginning, I felt like I had no one to talk to,” she says. “I felt extremely ashamed, isolated and confused.”

Rosie was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder

26 • happiful.com • August 2019

(BPD) when she was 23. “For years, I carried my BPD around like a dirty little secret,” she recalls. “Any attempt I made to say the words ‘borderline personality disorder’ made me want to vomit.”

BPD, sometimes called emotionally unstable personality disorder, is characterised by affective dysregulation, disturbed patterns of thinking or perception, and impulsive behaviour.

These characteristics are believed to emerge as adaptive, defensive strategies from the chronic trauma, interpersonal violence, or emotionally-unprotective environments often experienced by people with BPD. Chartered psychologist Kimberley Wilson says: “People with a diagnosis of BPD can often feel under siege by their own thoughts and emotions, and become sensitive towards any hint of rejection from those around them.”

Rosie adds: “I would describe a BPD episode as a moment of emotional agony. In those moments, I am deafened by my thoughts and drowning in emotions.”

Unfortunately, BPD is a condition layered with myths, stereotypes and misrepresentations. Many people with BPD recall being dismissed as ‘over-dramatic’ and ‘attention-seekers’, feeling coerced into silence and secrecy for their own self-preservation.

The sanctions of silence surrounding BPD were immediately apparent to Rosie.

“The psychiatrist who diagnosed me told me it would be better if she didn’t record my diagnosis in my medical notes,” she says.

“Essentially, she was telling me to hide my BPD.” Individuals with BPD tend to be treated with less compassion than those with other mental health

concerns. Misunderstandings about the term ‘personality disorder’ drive a lot of aggression toward someone living with BPD, due to the belief that it is the person’s own identity that is to blame for their condition.

People with BPD are sometimes cast as ‘difficult patients’, and become the target of frustration from under-resourced and overstretched clinical teams. This rejection and hostility can intensify the punishing effects of BPD by confirming the worst fears of the person living with the condition.

Rosie set out to show that people with BPD are caring, kind and loving. She wanted to demonstrate

I would describe a BPD episode as a moment of emotional agony.

In those moments, I am deafened by my thoughts and drowning in emotions that a diagnosis doesn’t have to lead to a life of shame, guilt and silence.

Rosie began to chronicle her experience through poetry, and started her now award-winning

blog, ‘Talking About BPD’. These outlets were a way for her to talk about her life when she felt there was no other way to communicate honestly.

“Writing is a tool which helps me bear these strong emotions,” she says. “It creates a space between myself and my thoughts. In these spaces, I can choose how to act, rather than reacting on impulse out of fear and anxiety.”

Commanding the language of one’s own mental health can help create a sense of autonomy and personhood, a potent tonic for any experience that leaves you feeling invalidated and out of control. >>>

August 2019 • happiful.com • 27

As Kimberley Wilson says: “I think it’s always helpful for patients to have some agency over how they and their condition are described.

Receiving any health diagnosis can be a dehumanising experience; your personality and personhood can disappear under the weight of the label, and this can be felt even more acutely when your personality is diagnosed as ‘the problem’.”

Poetry provided a channel for Rosie to write about the things that hurt the most, and turn them into an ‘object’.

“It’s hard to convey the intensity of the highs and lows I feel,” she says. “But poetry gives me a way of communicating these extremes.

“Describing myself as an electric eel, and accelerating the rhythms and frequency of the rhymes, can portray a rush of hypomania. I can capture my loneliness by likening myself to a prawn crawling around on the seabed, or convey the terror of an episode by repeating ‘help me’ seven or eight times.”

Rosie’s voice became one of representation and solidarity, letting others know that even in their most difficult moments, they aren’t alone.

“The first time I read my poem ‘Bear’, which is about an eating disorder, a woman said to me that my poem had said the things she wanted to say but didn’t know how,” says Rosie.

Though a powerful tool to help translate the reality of living with a BPD diagnosis, self-exploration isn’t all that the spoken word can

28 • happiful.com • August 2019

achieve. Poetry can function as a platform for promoting social justice, an opportunity to act against the unfair treatment that emerges from misunderstandings and misrepresentations of mental illness.

It enables people to leave behind the spectator role that separates us from the perspective of others, and gain insight into mental health as a personal experience, felt by someone with a past and a future worth caring about.

Rosie says: “Self-expression can be a form of activism. After all, the personal experiences we have are shaped by the world we live in. Mental health doesn’t exist in a vacuum. There is a clear link between social exclusion and marginalisation, and mental health problems.

“More than anything, I want people going through emotional distress to be seen, heard, and cared for, with respect and compassion,” Rosie says. “Lots of people experience BPD as a diagnosis of exclusion from mental health services, and it’s never OK for someone to be left without access to support.”

Rosie’s words aren’t a call to action to talk, as she acknowledges that not everyone wants to, or feels safe doing so. It is an effort to mitigate the guilt and shame so often enveloped in a diagnosis of BPD. Rosie says: “When reading my writing, I feel compassion towards myself. My writing bears witness to moments of pain, and as a result becomes proof of my survival too.”

For Rosie, poetry is empowering her to reclaim her BPD

More than anything, I want people going through emotional distress to be seen, heard, and cared for, with respect and compassion

NO APOLOGY She should not apologise for the trauma that formed her.

Or for the fire that warmed her, burned her, turned her to ashes and reignited her in the same breath.

Or for the million lives and billion deaths she fledged and shed like feathers.

Follow Rosie on @talkingaboutbpd or visit her blog talkingaboutbpd.co.uk Maxine Ali is a health and science writer, and linguist specialising in body talk and body image. Follow Maxine @maxineali or visit her website maxineali.com Kimberley Wilson is a dialectical behaviour therapy-trained chartered psychologist. Find out more at monumentalhealth.co.uk

Or to the divers whose knees bled on stones.

It’s not her loss to console.

Maybe she is not one woman but many women.

Maybe the way to understand her is through her anger.

Her shipwrecked depths don’t require your anchor.

By Rosie Cappuccino

August 2019 • happiful.com • 29

Happiful Hero

Photography | JoelValve

“

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams 30 • happiful • December 2018

– ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

Squeeze the most out of summer When it comes to British summertime, we need to take advantage of every sunny day we get. Here are some ideas to help you do just that Writing | Kat Nicholls

1 Head out for a picnic

One of the easiest and most wholesome summer activities, who doesn’t love a picnic? Grab yourself a blanket, some snacks and sun cream, and get yourself to your nearest green area (yes, that includes your garden!).

Celebrate with some peace and quiet solo, or rally up some friends, kick back, and enjoy.

Looking to step up your picnic game? We love the Beachcrest Home 4 Person Wicker 1 Picnic Basket, £35.99, available at wayfair. co.uk

Kew Gardens | kew.org

2 Go stargazing

Summer nights usually mean clearer nights, making it ideal for a spot of 2 stargazing. Find your nearest ‘dark sky site’ and take in the vast expanse of a starry night sky. If you want to learn more about what you’re seeing, download the SkyView Lite app, and point it towards the sky to identify stars, constellations, satellites and more. To find a dark sky site near you, or to attend a stargazing event, take a look at gostargazing.co.uk

3 Explore some Great British Gardens If there’s one thing the UK is good at, it’s gardening. While away a summer afternoon with a trip to one, and take in the beautiful 3 views. We love Kew Gardens in London, which houses rare plants, wildflower meadows, and tropical glasshouses. Alongside standard guided tours, Kew Gardens provide monthly British Sign Language (BSL) tours, and bimonthly sensory tours that allow visitors the chance to explore smells and textures.

If Kew Gardens sounds up your street, find out more and plan your visit at kew.org. To explore other gardens, check out greatbritishgardens.co.uk

4 Take your mindfulness practice outdoors

Whether you love meditation, yoga, or a mindful walk, if you have a mindfulness practice,

taking it outside can add a new dimension. Listen to the birdsong, notice the warmth of the sun on your skin, and take in the glorious scent of cut grass and BBQs on a warm summer breeze.

For inspiration, we love mindful.org who share new meditations to try.

4

5 Enjoy some movie magic

Cosying up on a blanket and watching a film under the stars is a perfect way to enjoy a balmy summer evening. There are plenty of companies that run outdoor screenings, so have a Google to see where your nearest one is, and get ready for some serious summer vibes. Oh, and remember to pack an umbrella... just in case (this is British summertime we’re talking about after all). The Luna Cinema have outdoor showings across various locations in the UK, and offer accessible facilities. Find out what’s showing at thelunacinema.

5 com/2019

Right here and now Continuously embarking on dangerous expeditions for his work, Aldo Kane leads an adrenaline-fuelled lifestyle. However, as he tells Happiful, a sense of calm and appreciation is always available to you when you learn to live in the moment Writing | Lucy Donoughue

I

’ve caught Aldo Kane in a rare moment of quiet. He’s back home, in London, in the middle of a round of interviews and photoshoots, before preparing for his next exciting expedition to Thailand, Laos, and Vietnam.

As a former Royal Marine sniper and current-day TV adventurer, explorer and presenter, Aldo is used to spending long periods away from the UK, exploring the world. In the past two years alone, he completed a world recordbreaking row from Portugal to Venezuela with Team Essence and long-time pal Jason Fox, spent three months in South America filming Meet The Drug Lords: Inside The Real Narcos for Channel 4, worked with Steve Backshall on Undiscovered Worlds, had two stints in active volcanoes for Expedition Volcano, and worked on National Geographic’s One Strange Rock with Will Smith – and the list of adventures goes on.

To say that Aldo has experience of negotiating extreme and hostile situations, both on and off camera, is an understatement.

32 • happiful.com • August 2019

“I’ve been living like this since I was 16,” he says, referring to when he went into the armed forces.

“Although I’ve probably been in more hardcore and high octane situations since I left the Marines.”

I can only imagine...

With physical strength and a high state of awareness being so hugely important for Aldo’s work, it’s hard to picture what he does in his downtime, away from the cameras and pulse-racing activities.

“I always need to be mentally and physically fit for the next stint, whatever that might be, so when I’ve got two weeks off between jobs I’m not sitting around eating donuts!” Aldo laughs.

“I’m in the gym, doing crossfit training, because my body needs to be prepared to run away from danger, to escape, fight, whatever is needed in the moment, and my brain needs to be ready and working together with my body to help me achieve that.”

This marriage of mental and physical is a recurring theme as we chat, along with Aldo’s love of the outdoors. “The most important thing for me,

My body needs to be prepared to run away from danger, to escape, fight, whatever is needed in the moment, and my brain needs to be ready and working together with my body to help me achieve that mentally,” he adds, “is being outside and being active. It’s so crucial to get out in nature at least once a day. It’s there for everyone, and it’s free.”

Despite the breathtaking, farflung locations Aldo has filmed in, he still finds that it’s the UK’s capital where he regularly gets the most benefit from open air exercise – as it’s the place where he doesn’t have to be “hard-wired into the environment”, as he does on location.

Whether it’s living in solitary confinement, without access to sunlight or other people, or facing life-changing situations with dangerous criminals, I imagine this mental aspect of Aldo’s work could take more of a toll on him than the physical demands. How does he deal with the permanent extreme focus required to ensure the safety of himself, and others, when working?

“When I go into a new situation, I am initially hypervigilant. I am aware of everything, the surroundings, people, potential issues – all of the things that I need to be thinking about,” Aldo says simply. “You need to be aware of all elements of risk – but then

It’s so crucial to get outside and in nature at least once a day. It’s there for everyone, and it’s free you have to put that to the back of your head. But when something does happen, you’ve done all that thinking and planning in advance, so you’re not in a panic mode.”

It’s hard to reconcile Aldo’s lightness of approach, and his calm nature, with the projects he undertakes. However, it’s clear that working on his mental strength as much as his physical state is vital to him. Practising mindfulness plays a major role in this, although it’s not a term that Aldo was aware of until a couple of years ago, even though it was a presence in his everyday life. >>> August 2019 • happiful.com • 33

Living in the UK, you have more opportunity than probably 95% of the rest of the world

“Looking back, mindfulness is something I’ve practised for a long time. When I was still young and in the Marines, I used to lead expeditions and take groups of students across the world. I remember sitting on top of a waterfall in Guyana with about 15 kids who just weren’t interested in being there.

“I asked them to sit with their legs dangling over the edge of the waterfall, close their eyes and imagine they were back at school, worrying about exams. Then, that they hadn’t received the grades they wanted, or were finding it hard to get work. I asked their future selves to think back to this beautiful, wonderful moment and wish they were here again. Then I told them to open their eyes, look out and really appreciate the experience.

“That to me is mindfulness.

Being in the moment, soaking it up and learning from it.”

Cherishing the moment is equally important when it comes 34 • happiful.com • August 2019

to his romantic relationship. “I appreciate my fiancée Anna,” he smiles. “We spend a lot of time apart. She’s a producer, and we’ve had times where I’ve been away for months and have two days at home, and then she’ll be away for three weeks, but those two days we have together are so special, and so full of everything you would want to have.”

The pair won’t have long to wait until another very special day, with their wedding planned for September this year. Yet while they’re in the middle of organising their nuptials, they still have no less than five working trips between them in the months before their wedding.

Aldo doesn’t seem at all fazed by this, but then wedding planning must be an enjoyable exercise for someone who has been used to negotiating the extreme challenges he has.

When it comes to these challenges, Aldo is aware of the importance of monitoring his own mental health and resilience. After leaving the Marines, he proactively sought counselling to ensure that his experiences in the Services didn’t come back to impact him negatively later on in life.

And now? “I make sure I exercise, I keep my brain busy, I

talk to people who understand my situation.”

Aldo is consistently quick to point out the positives in his life, after speaking about some of the more testing times he’s endured, including his time in West Africa in the middle of the Ebola crisis.

“With the travelling I do, I come back and it can be wonderful to just see green grass, or walk into a shop and just be able to buy something…

“My perspective is that, generally, living in the UK, and in particular London, you have more opportunity than probably 95% of the rest of the world. Anna and I are good at not complaining, because we’ve seen those other life experiences.”

As our conversation ends, I am left with the sense that Aldo is someone who has seen the very worst that human and mother nature can offer, but he’s also a person who remains dedicated to seeing the beauty in life, who embraces movement and strength, and celebrates his connection to other people.

Aldo truly knows what it means to appreciate each moment, and live for the here and now – something we can all do, in our own way, every day.

Photography | Joseph Sinclair

This July, Aldo will front the BBC2 Horizon documentary ‘Britain’s Next Air Disaster? Drones’, and will appear alongside Steve Backshall in ‘Expedition’ on Dave.

Follow Aldo on Instagram at @aldokane

I will certainly keep on running, pacing forward, finding my rhythm

The healing power of a marathon

Heartbreak sent Jenny spiralling into negative thoughts and doubts, but the mindfulness of putting one foot in front of the other helped her to rediscover her rhythm Writing | Jenny Richardson

T

ick tock. The clock counts up the seconds as I count down the miles. It’s September 2018, I am 58, and I’m running the Loch Ness Marathon.

Sweat runs into my eyes. I blink away the tears, the fears, the years. Today, this is what I am: sinews, muscles, a furnace burning fuel. My breath and feet keep rhythm with my pumping heart. This heart that was breaking.

Running is my way into mindfulness.

I need an extended stretch of steady pacing to find a rhythm, to let my thoughts ebb and flow, while feeling a part of my surroundings.

Five years ago I progressed from being an occasional jogger to a regular runner, and I was finally able to come off the >>>

‘I am grateful for all I have – my wonderful sons, family, friends, and freedom’

The beautiful Highland setting was the perfect location for Jenny to reconnect with herself

antidepressants that had helped to keep my equilibrium for 13 years.

The recent downturn came about after I ended a year-long relationship.

My mind told me this was the correct decision, but I was unprepared for my gut response. I felt lonely, hollowed out, and full of doubt about the future.

After several painful months, the only solution I could come up with was to train for and run a marathon – my third – which would, out of necessity, put me fully in the moment, and thereby halt the obsessive spiral of doubts.

The race starts on high, exposed moorland, and heads largely down for the first six miles to reach the lochside. At once, I

38 • happiful.com • August 2019

feel the childlike thrill of running downhill, and have to hold myself back from taking off too fast. I look at my fellow runners, intent and focused. There is a quiet solidarity in our pounding feet.

At this point, Douglas firs tower to the left, and scrub and heather to the right, allowing views over the moors and the mountains.

At the village of Foyers we get some welcome encouragement from spectators, and then are out on the open road again. Loch Ness comes into glorious view ahead.

The tagline for this marathon only slightly exaggerates: “If you’re going to put yourself through hell, you might as well do it in heaven.” It

really is heavenly. It is also of this earth, bringing us into intimate contact with one beautiful part of this planet and, for me, helping to put life into a more balanced perspective.

My break-up had thrown me off kilter. But this was a short-term reaction and could not be compared to my situation in 2000, when I found myself bringing up my two boys alone in England, while their dad lived in America.

An acrimonious divorce, constant anxiety about money and work, and my fear of failing my children sent me into a downward spiral of depression, sleepless nights, and panic attacks. I tried counselling, but talking didn’t change the facts, and the passive listening

I felt hollowed out, and full of doubt about the future made me angry rather than relieved.

My kindly GP, who had tried to avoid putting me on pills, eventually prescribed SSRI antidepressants when he realised how bad things had become. These saved me. They quelled the despair and the overthinking, enabling me to get on with life, and my most important job: being a parent.

In true Scottish form, the weather turns in an

instant, and sunshine gives way to icy rain.

Every inch of my body is awake, feeling pain it is true, but my physical senses are alive. The clock is ticking on, and so am I. But now I ground myself, literally. I think down to the soles of my feet, burning on the tarmac, pacing onwards, one foot then the other. These legs, mighty with their bones, pulleys, veins and strings, pushing me on.

I look at the runners around me. They are amazing. We are amazing.

Ordinary mortals pushing ourselves to do more than we need to, much more than is comfortable and easy. We are not heroes; we are devourers of life, using the talents given to us by nature, the universe, God, however you see it.

This world is so complex and unpredictable, illness so random that, while I can, I must live fully with my whole intact heart. I am grateful for all I have – my wonderful sons, family, friends, and freedom.

Somewhere between miles 23 and 24, in another freezing downpour, my joints are seizing up, and setting at acute angles like a wooden puppet. I pull over to unlock myself. I stretch my arms and they click. I bend painfully forward and cannot touch my toes. My knees crack.

“I feel your pain,” says a passing runner.

That is comfort. We do all share a common understanding. But I am sure we all have our own particular pain.

In spite of the effort, the overall effect of running is to make me feel wonderfully well. It is as though by getting my heart pumping, the blood surging round my cells, my whole body is being cleansed and replenished, my mind made clear and my emotions balanced.

Add to that the camaraderie of running, I see why this is a prescription that works.

The antidepressants got me through, and allowed me to feel joy in my children. As they left the nest, I braved coming off the tablets (something I had tried and failed to do on previous occasions).

I had already started running regularly, and its positive effects meant a seamless change to my now being a pill-free zone.

I reach the 25-mile marker, and suddenly I start wheezing. I am gasping, momentarily struggling to breathe.

I look to the sky, white clouds racing, to the river gleaming and patient.

Whatever is going on, I am not dying. I run on, stiffly.

These last and hardest minutes become a race against myself. I am

We are amazing. Ordinary mortals pushing ourselves to do much more than is comfortable and easy

Jenny found mindfulness in running – and set a new PB!

dangerously close to my previous time. I hear the the crowds cheer as I push on, tired and in agony. I have achieved my aim, to think of nothing else but this moment.

And I win, too, in my private race. I have beaten my time from three years ago by four minutes, finishing in 3 hours 50.

The cheers are for everyone. The tears are from me. I stagger and sob, not from heartbreak, but from pure exhaustion.

I must look as wrecked as I feel, because the woman handing out T-shirts makes all the other runners wait while she gives me a huge hug.

I’m thankful for this supportive community, and the good health that’s enabled this lateblooming marathon career. I needed this 26.2 therapeutic miles to build my heart back up, to break the cycle of obsessive thoughts, and to embrace life again. I’m not sure I’ll do any more marathons, but I’ll keep on running, pacing forward, finding my rhythm.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Life often feels like a marathon, and Jenny saw this from a whole new perspective. She used that sense of achievement to heal her life, and realised how being in the moment could help her through the pain and doubt.

Jenny chose her marathon well! Yes it would be tough – but beautifully so. While we all have far to go at times, maybe the secret is in choosing a route that will allow us space to breathe on the way.

Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach looking to encourage confidence and motivation

August 2019 • happiful.com • 39

How can support your mental health

Unpicking the craft of needlework; how it can help you switch off, improve your mental health, make new friends – and even save the planet

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ost of us can feel overwhelmed by the relentless demands of the digital world.

Endlessly scrolling through social media, replying to emails, and checking apps, can make it difficult to switch off.

Mindful practices are a popular antidote to this. And sewing, as well as knitting, is increasingly recognised as an effective way to help with anxiety and depression.

The concentration these demand not only helps to calm the mind, but learning to repair clothing helps tackle the environmental impact of fast fashion, too. Here’s a quick look at why you might want to explore the world of needlework.

Writing | Lydia Smith Illustrating | Rosan Magar

1 SEWING IS MINDFUL

Engaging in a mindful activity like sewing can help us pay attention to our thoughts and feelings, which can improve our mental health.

“Being creative is incredible for your wellbeing,” says Aliss Oxley, a sewing lover who set up the Workshop Sewing Cafe, in Leeds.

“It gives you an outlet to focus energy, but can also give you an enormous sense of accomplishment, which is a great way to support your mental health.

“People say sewing can be almost meditative. You concentrate on what you’re making, and the process of your construction,” she says. “It means your focus is solely on the activity of stitching.”

Starting to sew • Search #memadeeveryday or #selfishsewing on Instagram for ideas.

• Visit thefoldline.com, which offers a database of patterns, and try YouTube and Pinterest for tutorials and inspiration.

• Try sewing classes, such as Sew It With Love, in London, or Ministry of Craft, in Manchester. There are sewing schools all over the UK.

2 A DISTRACTION FROM NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

When you’re crafting, you’re giving your mind a break, too. One study, which introduced knitting to the lives of patients with anorexia, found 74% of participants described feeling distracted or distanced from negative emotional states, as well as more relaxed.

James McIntosh began to knit when he was struggling with depression. He recently wrote a book called Knit and Nibble, which explores knitting, cooking, and mindfulness.

“The fear, anxiety, panic

and sadness, was too much. One day I found two chopsticks in my flat and some string, looked on YouTube, and started to cast on,” he says. “Before I knew it, I had knitted ‘something or other’.

“I noticed that each stitch became a breath, each breath a feeling, and the stitch was a tangible sign that my feelings were worth something, that I was worth something.”

3 A SOCIAL ACTIVITY

Loneliness has huge implications for our health, and social isolation is growing in the UK, with 2.4 million adults feeling lonely, according to the Office for National Statistics. Joining a sewing group – which you can often find on Facebook – is a good way to meet people.

Issy Woolford-Lim is an avid fan of needlecraft. “I go to a weekly group, which gives me social contact and encourages me to get out of the house, even when I’m down,” she says. “We’re all very positive and encouraging with each other, which I love.”

“Try to find your local haberdashery or fabric shop,” Aliss says. “The sewing community is incredibly friendly, and they

should have some great advice to get started – from sewing meetups, to fabrics and patterns. They’ll point you in the right direction.”

4 A CREATIVE SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT

Creating something with your own hands provides a sense of accomplishment that can boost mental health. In studies of people with depression and other chronic illnesses, textile crafts were found to increase self-esteem and improve the sense of wellbeing.

James struggled to find fashionable knitting patterns for men, so he started creating his own. “The first time I put on something I had knitted, I felt proud of myself again – an intimate and personal feeling,” he says. “I was knocked badly by homophobia in my native Northern Ireland, which triggered the depressive episode, and a stitch at a time helped me to realise that I was worth something.”

5 FIXING HELPS TACKLE FAST FASHION

Our clothes are fast, inexpensive, and mass-produced, which enforces cheap labour and generates a huge amount of pollution. Global textile production creates 1.2 billion tonnes of carbon emissions a year, according to research by the Ellen MacArthur Foundation – more than international flights and shipping. Repairing clothes instead of throwing them away can prevent fabric ending up as landfill, and lets you know you’re doing something positive to help our planet.

August 2019 • happiful.com • 41

Ask the experts There are many benefits to massage therapy, and the practice is much more than a pamper. Here, Libby Palmer, massage therapist and Therapy Directory member, answers your questions

Q

I suffer regularly with headaches. I have a demanding job and relaxation is something I struggle with. I know taking some time to really unwind will help, but is there a particular type of massage you would recommend?

A

Massage has two roles in treating tension headaches: relaxation, and trigger point therapy.

A regular massage can help the body maintain an optimal level of relaxation. In order to find the correct therapist for your needs, you need one who understands your condition and is adequately qualified to meet your needs. A clinical massage therapist, with a level five or six qualification, will have studied anatomy and physiology, as well as massage techniques.

The second role in treating tension leading to migraines and headaches is to relieve tension in trigger points located in the neck and shoulders.

For relaxation and general wellbeing, consider shiatsu, aromatherapy, or Swedish massage.

In order to get a rounded treatment, offering both relaxation and trigger point therapy, it’s important to discuss your condition prior to treatment, so that the therapist understands the problem fully, and can tailor a treatment to your needs.

Q

I’ve recently moved away from hormonal contraception, but after years of taking the combined pill, I’m suffering with PMS. Friends have told me certain types of massage can help ease symptoms, can you tell me more?

A

Massage is an effective treatment for PMS as it relaxes and soothes aching muscles, while treatment on the abdomen and lower back can relieve bloating and tension. Massage is a wellknown effective treatment for fluid retention, allowing fluid to be moved towards the lymph system and naturally removed by the body.

Massage is also a good way of lifting your mood, with clients reporting feeling lighter, less stress, less bloated, and more energised after a PMS massage.

Many places may not offer a PMS massage on their treatment list, but once you’ve discussed your needs with the therapist they’ll be able to tailor a treatment to you.

For optimum results, consider getting a massage two days before your period is expected, or when PMS rears its ugly head, so approximately every four weeks.

You can find more information about Libby on therapy-directory.org.uk

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THE EXPERT SK

Brought to you

by Therapy Directory

Q

After watching the London Marathon for years, I’ve decided to finally take up running. The first few weeks have been going well, but the pain in my shins is taking its toll. I don’t want to stop, and have heard that sports massage can help with this?

A

I’m sorry to hear you’re experiencing pain in your shins – you’re not the only one.

Many people get this problem, called shin splints, when they begin to train seriously.

The problem will likely get worse as you increase your mileage, so will need managing in order for you to continue running. Book an appointment with a clinical sports and remedial massage therapist.

They will assess your injury, and your biomechanics, in order to identify why you are experiencing this problem. A common cause of shin splints is over-worn trainers, so take your shoes with you.

Expect to need at least two or three appointments to treat and monitor your injury. Once the condition is under control, consider getting a regular sports massage to keep your muscles in good, flexible condition, and allow you to train for your marathon.

Therapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

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LUTEA L PHA SE

When it comes to our periods, most of us know about PMS. But, what you might not realise is how much our cycle affects us mentally.

Here we take a closer look at the relationship between our menstrual cycle and our mental health Writing | Kat Nicholls Orginal artwork | Charlotte Reynell

A

notification from my menstrual cycle tracking app just popped up to tell me ‘PMS is coming’.

While this may sound a little ominous, it’s helpful to know. I’m on day 26 of my cycle, and this week I’ve felt my anxiety peak – something that often happens in the days leading up to my period.

Armed with this information, I know I need to take things a little easier over the next week or so. I can allow anxiety to make itself known in my body without judgement or fear, while ramping up my self-care to manage it.

A couple of years ago, I didn’t know anything about my cycle, apart from the fact it brought a lot of pain, tears, and chocolate cravings. It wasn’t until I started tracking both my mood, and my cycle, that I noticed the pattern of anxiety spiking around the time of my period. And I’m certainly not alone with this.

Many of us will notice a change in mood; we all differ in how severely we’re affected – some will barely notice a change, while others find themselves battling with premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD, a condition that causes severe depression, anxiety, and even suicidal thoughts, around the time of your period).

Before we explore the mental health side of things, it’s important to understand the different phases of our cycle:

Menstruation This is when we get our period. Many people will notice a change in their energy levels, feeling more tired than usual, and withdrawn. The first few days of your period may involve painful cramps, and a general desire to hide under a duvet clutching a hot water bottle and a family-sized bar of Dairy Milk – just me?

Around halfway through the period, oestrogen levels rise and our mood lifts. We start to feel more ‘us’, and pain generally eases.

Follicular phase After menstruation, our oestrogen and testosterone levels rise, and our mood stabilises. Generally, at this point, you should feel calm, and as if all is right with the world.

Ovulation When we start to ovulate, our testosterone levels spike, which gives us an increased sex drive. As well as feeling in the mood for love, you should feel more confident. By the end of the ovulation phase, your oestrogen and testosterone levels will drop. This can make you feel tired and you may notice PMS-like symptoms.

Luteal phase If you experience PMS, this will be the week you’ll feel it. This is down to low levels of oestrogen. The hormone changes that take place throughout our cycles lead to the shifts in our mood. >>> August 2019 • happiful.com • 45

Claire Baker, women’s coach and menstrual educator, explains: “The rise and fall of female sex hormones, oestrogen and progesterone over a cycle, can affect mood, emotions, and mental health, because hormones change the chemistry of the brain.

“This influence is complex and unique to the individual. It’s natural to feel a little different, week-to-week, as hormones shift, but very disruptive changes in mood and mental health might point to a hormonal imbalance.”

So why do these hormone changes affect our mood? Two of the key hormones that fluctuate are oestrogen and progesterone, which regulate neurotransmitters serotonin (dubbed ‘the happy hormone’) and gammaaminobutyric acid (which relieves anxiety).

Oestrogen and progesterone levels rise during ovulation to prepare for pregnancy. If we don’t conceive, these levels drop to prepare for menstruation. This rise and fall takes a toll on us mentally.

Many women find that their mental health needs more attention on certain days of the cycle, and this awareness itself can literally save lives

THE IMPACT ON OUR MENTAL HEALTH

“The impact of menstruation on mental health is often greatly underestimated,” counsellor Simone Ayers tells us. “Experiences vary on a spectrum of mood changes – from increased stress and anxiety, to suicidal thoughts, and the use of self-harm to cope with the intense feelings that menstruation can cause.”

For those who already struggle with their mental health, they may notice a spike in their symptoms, Simone notes. This is known as premenstrual exacerbation (PME) and can affect both mental and physical illnesses, including anxiety, depression, asthma, and inflammatory bowel disease.

46 • happiful.com • July 2019

Using an app to track my moods, and remembering that it will pass, is helpful

Lyzi | Instagram: @being_little

Blogger Lyzi Unwin shares how her menstrual cycle affects her.

“Even though my cycle is pretty much like clockwork, I still find myself frustrated and confused as to why I feel so down every month.

“A day or two before my period is due, I suddenly have an overwhelming, crippling bout of selfdoubt and anxiety. I am convinced that I’m awful at everything, the ugliest creature to have ever walked the earth, and that everyone hates me. Even if everything in my life is running smoothly, the thoughts are always the same.

“I haven’t yet found anything to stop the thoughts, but using an app to track my moods, and remembering it will pass, is helpful.

Having a quiet day, and an early night can be really beneficial, as is talking to friends who understand.”

Lyzi Unwin blogs about mental health, fashion and lifestyle at beinglittle.co.uk

“For those who need extra support to be able to cope with their menstrual cycle, it can be a long journey to find the right treatment – which may include any combination of hormonal treatments, antidepressants, talking therapy, and lifestyle changes such as moderated work schedules and dietary changes,” Simone says.

OK, so the bad news is that our menstrual cycle can be linked to some pretty difficult mental health challenges. The good news is, with knowledge comes power.

WHY YOU SHOULD START TRACKING YOUR CYCLE

Cycle tracking may sound a little scientific, but it’s actually really simple. There are countless apps to help (we love Clue, Moody Month, and Flo), but you could also make notes in a journal.

The key things to keep track of are the day of your cycle (the first day you bleed is day one) and how you’re feeling. Over time you’ll have a better understanding of your cycle, and how it affects you.

“Menstrual cycle awareness helps people identify where their strengths and vulnerabilities lie in the cycle,” says Claire. “Each phase of the menstrual cycle may benefit from a different approach to self-care, work, or

relationships. Tracking helps to reveal how to live more in flow with this internal rhythm.

“Many women find their mental health needs more attention on certain days of the cycle, and this awareness itself can literally save lives. I look forward to the day when our mental health systems integrate and prioritise menstrual cycle awareness.”

So, what can we do when we feel our cycle impacting our mental health? Claire says it’s all about self-care.

“At more vulnerable points in the cycle, the best kind of selfcare includes a combination of getting professional and personal support, taking some space, and having personal boundaries, moving slowly, drinking lots of water, and sleeping as much as possible. Knowing where our sensitivities lie in the cycle, and being tender with ourselves at these times, is excellent and transformative self-care.”

Raising your awareness is your first step to gaining control, and if you think you would benefit from professional mental health support at any time, don’t be afraid to reach out.

Learn more about Claire’s coaching services and menstrual awareness courses at thisislifeblood.com

What is PMDD? “Women living with premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) can experience a huge impact on their quality of life, due to the constant cycle of deep depression that lasts for extended periods each month.

Relationships and work can also be affected due to social anxiety, and the debilitating effect of severely painful periods, which can also affect selfesteem and libido.”

– counsellor Simone Ayers Simone is based in Hertfordshire, but also offers online counselling sessions and supports those with PMDD. Learn more and get in touch via simoneayerscounselling.com

August July 2019 • happiful.com • 47

Happiful Hero

£57

£40 I ODE: ENTER C

PP A H G AU CKOUT E H C E AT TH

Reader offer Get two months free on an annual subscription using code AUGHAPPI at shop.happiful.com

Prices and benefits are correct at the time of printing, using code AUGHAPPI, which expires on 19 September 2019. For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com

48 • happiful • December 2018

Happiful

TOP 10

1

365 Ways to Be Confident: Inspiration and Motivation for Every Day

A welcome addition to Summerdale’s 365 Ways to series, this collection of self-care ideas, practical tips, and motivational activities is designed to boost your mood and build your confidence.

Images | Once Upon a Time in Hollywood: Sony Pictures, Alexandra Elle: @alex_elle

Broaden your horizons this August with a confidence-building read, an app to help you get creative in the kitchen, and the UK’s biggest celebration of drag culture OUT AND ABOUT

PAGE-TURNERS

(Out 8 August, Summerdale, £6.99)

2

Au gu s t

GET GOING

Superhero Series, Superhero Tri

Head to Windsor for the UK’s only disability sports series, where disabled people can take part in challenges without worrying about cut-off times or restrictions on their equipment. Enter solo or with friends and family, and complete a swim, bike, or run stage, all three stages, or a mixture of two!

Jeff Wayne’s The War of The Worlds: The Immersive Experience

4

You’ve read the book and listened to the score, now it’s time to jump into the cuttingedge immersive journey through the story of The War of The Worlds. With a combination of theatre, virtual reality, and holograms, travel through Victorian London and survive the Martian invasion.

(Tickets from £49.50, dates throughout August.

Visit dotdot.london to book your place)

5

TECH TIP-OFFS

Magic Fridge

If you want to cut back on food waste at home, this handy app will help you on your way. Simply add the ingredients you have left over in your fridge, freezer and cupboards, and the app will suggest delicious, simple recipes that you can whip up in 30 minutes or less.

(Free from the Google Play Store & App Store)

(17 August, visit superheroseries.co.uk for more)

TREAT YOURSELF

Pillows made from recycled plastic bottles With plastic pollution at the front of a lot of our minds, the Eco Comfort pillow from Silentnight is another way that you can make sure that the things in your home aren’t harming the planet. Made from 100% recycled materials, the pillows offer all the comfort of standard pillows, but with Two Silentnight Eco an eco-conscious Comfort pillows bonus.

To enter, email competitions@

WIN!

happiful.com with your answer to the following question. What percentage of household waste is the UK’s target to recycle by 2020?*

(£30, visit silentnight.co.uk to browse the range)

3

SQUARE EYES

6

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

In what’s already been called a ‘masterpiece’ from writer and director Quentin Tarantino, a struggling TV actor (Leonardo DiCaprio) and his stunt double (Brad Pitt) set their eyes on big-screen fame and glory. In this celebration of unlikely friendships and the golden age of Hollywood, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood is right on track to become a modern classic.

(In cinemas 14 August)

7

8

LEND US YOUR EARS Duvet Days Broadcaster Abby Hollick gets into bed with musicians and artists, including friends of Happiful Emeli Sandé and Jordan Stephens, to have frank chats about everything from burnout to activism.

(Available to listen to on BBC Sounds)

9

PUT ON A SHOW

DragWorld London 2019

Celebrate the artistry, talent, and glamour of drag at the UK’s biggest convention – this year partnering with mental health charity Mind. Browse stores, attend Q&As and tutorials, and witness fierce lip-sync battles.

(17–18 August, tickets start at £35, Olympia London, visit dragworld.co.uk for more)

10

PLUGGED-IN Alexandra Elle

Be uplifted by the words of poet and host of the ‘Hey Girl’ Podcast Alexandra Elle, as she shares snippets of her work and snaps from her life, along with reflective captions that will inspire you to celebrate and prioritise yourself (Follow Alexandra on Instagram @alex_elle)

THE CONVERSATION Playday Treat your inner-child, or spend time with the children in your life, as Playday 2019 celebrates the power of play, and encourages children and their families across the UK to get involved in community events. This year, the theme ‘Play Builds Children’ encourages us to look at how integral play is to children’s development. (7 August, find events near you at playday.org.uk)

*UK mainland only, entries close 20 August.

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How to deal with

inbox anxiety Do you feel constantly overwhelmed by the never-ending pile of messages in your inbox? You’re not the only one! But for every problem there’s a solution, and we might just have yours here...

Writing | Fiona Thomas

T

he average office worker receives more than 120 emails per day – there are probably unwanted memos and meeting requests winging their way to you right now! You can try to look away, but it’s just so tempting.

In fact, a YouGov survey found that 60% of people check their work inboxes while on holiday —

even though 80% would prefer to ‘completely switch off’ while away.

Research by the University of British Columbia has shown a break could be good for us, revealing people experienced ‘significantly lower daily stress’ when their email access was restricted to three times a day, compared to unlimited use.

But why does email make us so anxious in the first place?

 PROBLEM: YOU’RE AIMING FOR ZERO SOLUTION: LEARN TO PRIORITISE Do you insist on clearing out your inbox every single day? The problem here is that there’s no finish line, because as soon as you look away, the messages start piling up again. The glory of an empty inbox may be thrilling but, ultimately, it’s short-lived.

Instead, make a list of the top five people who deserve your attention, and commit to responding to them within 24 hours. Go one step further by using three folders labelled ‘Today’, ‘End of Week’ and ‘End of Month’ to help prioritise which emails need to be dealt with first. The rest can wait.

 PROBLEM: YOU LOVE REWARDS SOLUTION: FIND THEM ELSEWHERE In her book, Unsubscribe: How to Kill Email Anxiety, Avoid Distractions and Get Real Work Done, Jocelyn K Glei cites a 1930s experiment (albeit with rats instead of humans) which shows how addictive the random rewards system can be.

Similar to rats pressing a lever to receive food, we hit that refresh button in the hopes of seeing a new email. Most of the time it’s boring junk mail, but every now and again there’s an exciting job prospect or event invitation.

According to Glei, it’s these random rewards that make us want to “push the lever again and again and again, even when we have better things to do”. Replace this reward-seeking behaviour with a daily to-do list, or monthly

goal tracker. Keep your goals in sight (literally on a noticeboard in front of you) and work towards a guaranteed reward, such as an early lunch break, walk in the park, or beauty treatment. Every time you find yourself knee-deep in pointless correspondence, bring yourself back to those goals.

 PROBLEM: YOU ALWAYS ASSUME THE WORST SOLUTION: TAKE A STEP BACK Without body language or tone of voice to pick up on, the written word can often be misconstrued.

I spoke to psychotherapist Annie Cassidy — who works at private clinic Esher Groves — who says: “With email, there’s always this sense that it’s going to be bad news, and that can be really overwhelming for people. They can become obsessed, and check emails all the time.”

She suggests allowing a cooling off period before responding, taking time and space to reflect on the context of the email. Instead of allowing email to control your mood, don’t visit your inbox until you’re emotionally ready. When do you feel most calm? Maybe it’s after lunch, or once you’ve exercised.

Identify this part of the day and respond to emails during this time.

 PROBLEM: YOU FEEL OBLIGED TO RESPOND

SOLUTION: SET BOUNDARIES If you receive an email outside of normal office hours, should you respond right away? Not necessarily. According to Annie, you’ve got to be the one to set your

own boundaries so that people

don’t get the wrong idea. “You need to identify what you can tolerate, and when those boundaries can be stretched. The onus is on you to monitor your own boundaries.”

Make a rule that you won’t respond to work emails after hours, and delete the email app on your phone at the weekend.

Even better, ask for a designated work phone that you can switch off after 5pm. Consider adding your working hours to the footer of every email to get the message across. Oh, and those random emails from someone you’ve never met asking for a favour? Get comfortable with ignoring them completely.

60% of people who use email for work check their inboxes while on holiday  PROBLEM: IT SUCKS ALL YOUR TIME SOLUTION: COMMUNICATE MORE EFFICIENTLY Set a timer and work through your inbox for an hour each day, then call it quits. Minimise the email tennis which can go on for weeks at a time by picking up the phone, arranging a Skype call, or simply walking over to your colleague’s desk to move things forward. You’ll be surprised at how quickly things progress when you have a faceto-face conversation instead of a lengthy email thread.

I had done what so many people had said was impossible

From being diagnosed with ME, to rediscovering me Chronic fatigue syndrome shook Vikki’s life to the core, but it also prompted her to reassess what really mattered. Now, she’s determined to never take a moment for granted

S

Writing | Vikki Cook

itting at my desk, tears splashing on my keyboard, I avoided meeting the impatient sideways glares from my colleagues, and tried to pull myself together.

For months I’d been struggling, aware of the gossip and rumours, and trying to stay on top of my work, but an important meeting had just fallen apart because of me. My brain fog had left me unprepared. I was humiliated, and couldn’t even summon the energy to walk to the toilets to sob in private.

A year earlier, in December 2010, a vicious strain of flu left me with postviral fatigue syndrome (PVFS) – a condition that can leave the sufferer with a host of symptoms, from muscle aches to disabling fatigue. >>>

Hear more from Vikki on her blog, Life’s a Beach, at bit.ly/2Ywlckr

The support from Vikki’s family helped her stay strong through her experience

Graded exercise therapy was an effective treatment for Vikki

In time my symptoms faded, but in January 2011 I contracted chicken pox.

The PVFS followed, but this time, after six months, I was diagnosed with ME (also known as chronic fatigue syndrome) and was warned I might never recover.

Every day was a fight with my own body; tremors, headaches, painful muscle spasms, memory loss, noise sensitivity, and exhaustion so severe I could barely walk to and from the bathroom unaided. Day by day, the me I had known for 25 years slipped away.

I spent two months off work, while my husband worked full-time and cared for me, but eventually I felt pressure from my employer.

the stress was having on my mental health, insisted I take a six-month break from work to focus on my recovery. My request for a sabbatical was accepted, and everyone hoped the long rest would trigger a recovery. It didn’t.

By November, I was no better, but I had realised something: my job and the environment I was working in was killing me.

I had heard the rumours: I was faking the whole thing; I was using my time off for other activities; I was looking for attention.

None of it was true, but the constant judgement stung. I handed in my notice, left the office, and never looked back.

Relying on our savings, we searched for answers.

I tried supplements,

54 • happiful.com • August 2019

I began a phased return to work, fighting against my symptoms, barely aware of anything beyond my need to get home, cry, and fall asleep.

When a supplier arranged a visit, I was asked to lead the meeting, as I had done many times before. I had tried in vain to clear my foggy head, but a misunderstanding with my manager, made worse by my confusion, had led to a meeting with none of the information required. After 20 painful minutes of baffled flapping on my part, I returned to my desk, tearful and ashamed.

I had never felt so incompetent.

My parents and husband, Rich, concerned by how ill I still was and the effect

Day by day, the me I had known for 25 years slipped away Chinese medicine, acupuncture, and attended an ME clinic. I spoke to fellow sufferers online, who all agreed on one thing: it was unlikely I would recover.

In spring 2014, I was introduced to ‘reverse therapy’ – an approach based on the idea that illnesses like mine were the result of ignoring your body’s warning signals for too long. By reconnecting my body and mind, I could start to heal.

The therapist asked me to write a list of things that made me happy, and do some of them every day.

I could think of nothing – and this was my first breakthrough. I’d been so overwrought at work for so long that I didn’t know what I liked doing. How had I let that happen? It sparked something inside.

I didn’t care what anyone else told me; I would recover, no matter what.

I read more, and began daily meditations. To keep my brain active, I started working towards a degree with the Open University.

I cleaned up my diet, and I got outside more.

I read about something called ‘graded exercise therapy’ – an NHSapproved treatment that follows a programme of steadily increased activity.

Confident this could be the right approach for me, I began taking short walks nearly every day.

The first walk, in early 2015, only took me to the end of our road, and afterwards I cried with exhaustion. It felt like knives were stabbing my thighs as I walked, and once home I couldn’t even get myself a glass of water, but I did it again two days later. This time, it wasn’t as difficult. I quickly learned to recognise when my body had had enough, and within six months, I could walk well over a mile.

Most of my symptoms gradually faded, and while the fatigue was the only remaining part, I started playing badminton.

By early 2016, I was swimming and playing rounders once a week.

We celebrated my progress with a holiday. In August 2016, we went to Rome, but I was nervous about how I’d cope. My husband reassured me that we didn’t have to do anything in particular, and could just relax.

His optimism helped bolster my own, but I needn’t have worried. We threw ourselves into that holiday, and were amazed when my fitness tracker reported I’d walked 14,000 steps one day. I did 11,000 the next. I kept waiting for the fatigue to knock me off my feet, but aside from sore leg muscles, I felt great.

The day after we returned home, I applied for a part-time job at a pet shop. Standing up all day was hard, but after a few weeks my body adjusted. In time I went up to working three days a week, continued my studies, and maintained my physical exercise.

While ME will affect some people for the rest of their lives, in February 2017, I declared myself recovered. It had been six long years of fighting every single day but, at

At last, I had done what so many said was impossible, and I was determined never to take my life for granted again

Vikki graduated in 2018, with first-class honours

last, I had done what so many said was impossible, and I was determined never to take my life for granted again. I would do everything that made me happy, and work to spread that happiness to others.

I now have a blog on this topic – Life’s a Beach.

Action for ME estimates 17 million people around the world suffer from ME, and are often driven people who forget selfcare. It doesn’t surprise me. In a world that idolises success, it’s easy to sacrifice everything to be the best. I learned the hard way that success is nothing without health.

In November 2018, I stepped on stage to collect my first-class degree with honours. As I shook the Dean’s hand, I was bursting with pride. I was surrounded by the love of family and friends who’d stuck by me, I’d earned my degree, and I’d done it all while battling a vicious illness that nobody truly understands.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Our bodies tell us everything we need to know, but often we ignore the warning signs that something is wrong. Once Vikki reconnected with herself physically, the mindful healing began – what therapists call ‘working phenomenologically’. It’s terribly hard when you have an illness nobody understands; it can be a frustrating and lonely experience.

Fortunately, Vikki had a good support structure, but if you haven’t, remember there is always help out there in the form of counselling. You don’t have to be alone.

Beverley Hills | MA MBACP Psychotherapist

August 2019 • happiful.com • 55

Happiful Hero

Photography | M T Elgassier

“

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door

56 • happiful • December 2018

– MILTON BERLE

Editor’s picks Rebecca Thair

I’m the dog-obsessed editor of Happiful – sorry for hounding you with pictures of pups! Outside of work, I can normally be found in the gym watching Killing Eve to feel like a badass, bingeing on a good box set, or getting out for walks around Virginia Water, with a quick pit-stop at a pub

FAVOURITE SONG

ON THE UP

Sam Cooke – ‘Bring It on Home to Me’ BEST THING YOU’VE DONE RECENTLY FOR YOUR WELLBEING?

Images | Sliders: ASOS, Twilight Spray: Lush, Emojis: emojipedia.org

I deleted our internal messenger app from my phone – it’s important to set boundaries when away from the office!

MUST-TRY PRODUCT ‘Sleepy’ body lotion from Lush (£16), or their ‘Twilight’ spray (£20). When I’m stressed, sleep is the first thing that goes out of the window, but these lavenderinfused products smell incredible, and really work wonders. Definitely worth a try when sleep evades you!

MUST-TRY ACTIVITY For summer evenings, you can’t beat a bit of Top Golf. Some fresh air, fun with friends, and if you’re feeling frustrated, a great way to let off some steam.

YOUR PET HATE People using their Facebook status as a replacement for Google. This isn’t the place to request a quote on your new kitchen, Sharon.

Sliders Yes, I take office casual too far…

In my defence, it’s summer.

GOING DOWN Office air con It’s roasting outside, but like the North Pole inside – the clothing dilemma is real.

MUST WATCH

YOUR SELF-CARE ADVICE

It’s all about The Handmaid’s Tale right now. No explanation required. If you’re not watching, catch up immediately.

Give yourself a break.

Sometimes self-care is treating yourself well, pampering, or going to the gym. But sometimes it’s letting yourself have a night off when you need it. To be lazy, to not do anything on your to-do list, and relish some meaningless downtime.

FAVOURITE QUOTE

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past – F. Scott Fitzgerald

From my favourite book, The Great Gatsby. While the message might be ‘you can’t repeat the past’, and the futility of the American dream, I still see hope in it. The future can still be full of new possibilities, when we stop letting the past hold us back.

FAVOURITE FOOD

Fajitas. All about that sizzle and spice.

BUST OUT THE

BBQ

Say goodbye to boring burgers, it’s time for a change Writing | Ellen Hoggard

T

he UK may be used to a not-so-dry summer, but that doesn’t stop us from making the most of the warmer days and eating al fresco. While a BBQ typically involves meat, we’re mixing things up. We’re going vegan, and the food is so good that everybody will be asking you for the recipe.

With Meat Free Monday and other initiatives in full swing, we want to inspire you this season with a delicious collection of recipes – ready to throw on your BBQ, rain or shine. There’s something so special about trying a new dish and running away with your imagination when it comes to cooking, and this is no exception. As always, our recipes are totally open to change, depending on your taste and what you have in the cupboard.

So fire up the grill, it’s time to impress your guests.

58 • happiful.com • August 2019

CHARGRILLED VEGETABLE SKEWERS Makes 12 Ingredients 1 courgette 1 yellow pepper 1 red pepper 2 red onions 180g chestnut mushrooms 200g cherry tomatoes 50g ciabatta 1 lemon, grated 1 red chilli, finely chopped 2 sprigs of rosemary, chopped Extra virgin olive oil Salt and pepper Method Soak 12 wooden skewers in water to stop them from burning on the barbecue. Chop the peppers, red onions, mushrooms, and courgette into large chunks, and place in a mixing bowl. Remove the crust from the ciabatta and cut into 2cm chunks. Add to the

bowl, along with the tomatoes. In a small bowl, combine the chilli, rosemary and lemon zest. Add the olive oil, salt and pepper and mix. Add to the vegetables. Using your hands, toss everything together and leave to marinate for 30 minutes.

Divide and thread the ingredients between your skewers. Add to the barbecue, cooking for 8–10 minutes, turning occasionally. Serve.

OUR EXPERT SAYS… CHARGRILLED VEGETABLE SKEWERS

All the colourful vegetables are bursting with health-giving fibre, to keep blood sugar levels stable, and antioxidants to boost the immune system. You could add garlic cloves to Find a the skewers, giving a nutritionist roasted garlic flavour near you at and additional health nutritionistbenefits.

resource.org.uk FIVE BEAN SALAD Serves 8

Ingredients 1 can kidney beans 1 can chickpeas 1 can black beans 1 cup edamame beans 1 cup green beans, chopped 1/2 red onion, diced 2 tbsp parsley, chopped Juice of half a lemon 2 tbsp agave syrup 4 tbsp white wine vinegar 1 tsp extra virgin olive oil Salt and pepper Method Drain the beans. In a large bowl, combine the beans, onions, and parsley. In a separate bowl, combine the olive oil, lemon juice, white wine vinegar and agave syrup. Whisk. Add to the bean mixture and season with salt and pepper. Serve.

SWEET BBQ TOFU Serves 4

Ingredients 1 block tofu, pressed 10 tbsp BBQ sauce 70ml orange juice 70ml water 1 tsp chilli powder 1/2 tsp chilli flakes Salt and pepper Method Prepare your tofu by pressing it before use. When the moisture is removed, slice into large chunks.

In a small pan, combine the BBQ sauce, orange juice, water, and dry ingredients over a low heat.

Place the mixture in a bowl and add the tofu, coating both sides.

Leave to marinate for two hours.

Spray the grill with oil so the tofu doesn’t stick. Grill the pieces for 4–5 minutes on each side, brushing with additional sauce.

Season with salt and pepper to taste. Serve.

FIVE BEAN SALAD

This salad is really rich in low fat, low cholesterol, protein, and plenty of gut-friendly fibre. Fresh mint, coriander, tarragon, chives and basil could also be added for extra flavour, and to help boost the immune system.

You may not need the sweet agave syrup, so taste the dressing before adding it, and if you like apple cider vinegar, consider using that in place of the white wine vinegar.

SWEET BBQ TOFU

Tofu is a great source of vegan protein, and is low in fat and cholesterol. It takes on flavour really well, so any marinade will work. You could make an Asianinspired one by using 10 tbsp black bean sauce, 1 tsp ginger garlic paste, 1/2 tsp chilli flakes, salt and pepper, and 150ml water. To make the cooking process easier, thread the tofu on to skewers before placing on the grill.

Susan Hart is a nutrition coach and speaker. As well as delivering healthy eating advice to individuals, Susan hosts regular workshops and runs vegan cooking classes. Find out more at nutrition-coach.co.uk

August 2019 • happiful.com • 59

What is endometriosis?

With 176 million women across the world believed to have endometriosis, it’s a condition affecting a huge number of lives, and yet for many of us it remains a bit of a mystery…

Here, nutritional therapist Sonal Shah, explores the symptoms to be aware of, possible causes, along with how diet could be key to managing the condition Writing | Sonal Shah

T

he second most common gynaecological condition in the UK, endometriosis is the abnormal growth of cells that form in the lining of the uterus. Some of these cells may, instead of being expelled from the body during the menstrual process, actually end up continuing their cycle elsewhere. They then have no way of leaving the body, so the material builds up and may attach itself to other organs in the lower abdomen, such as the ovaries, fallopian tubes, or bowel.

While endometriosis can affect women of any age, it is most often found in those in their 30s and 40s. While it’s difficult to pinpoint the exact number of women who develop endometriosis, it’s estimated that one in 10 women of reproductive age in the UK have it, and it costs the UK economy around £8.2 billion each year due to treatment, loss of work, and associated healthcare costs. So, understanding how to manage and reduce the impact

60 • happiful.com • August 2019

of endometriosis on the lives of sufferers is essential, and the likelihood is you already know someone who is all-too-familiar with the pain and discomfort this condition can bring...

SYMPTOMS AND COMPLICATIONS

When it comes to endometriosis, it really can be quite a unique experience for people. One thing to note is that the severity of endometriosis does not always correspond to the level of pain and discomfort experienced.

Additionally, symptoms can vary from one woman to another, and some women may not experience any symptoms at all.

For those who do, the classic symptoms to be aware of include pelvic pain, heavy periods, intermittent pain throughout the menstrual cycle, painful intercourse, painful bowel movements, fatigue, nausea, vomiting and constipation during menses, and infertility.

One of the primary concerns with endometriosis is that it can

cause fertility problems. While the reasoning for this is not fully understood, it is thought to be because of damage caused to the fallopian tubes or ovaries.

Other issues which can arise include some women developing adhesions – ‘sticky’ areas of endometriosis tissue that can join organs together.

Ovarian cysts may also develop, which are fluid-filled cysts in the ovaries that can sometimes become very large and painful, and can be treated with surgery.

For some women, the impact that endometriosis can have on their life can lead to depression, so it’s important to recognise symptoms, and look for support with managing the condition as soon as possible.

If you suspect you may have endometriosis, it’s important that you speak with your GP. As symptoms can vary, it’s a good idea to keep track of them in a diary so that you can accurately describe them during your appointment with the doctor.

POTENTIAL CAUSES

Unfortunately, the exact cause of endometriosis is unknown, and there is no definite cure.

However, some possible reasons are outlined here, and the likelihood is it could be a result of a combination of factors:

• One theory is that hormonal imbalances, such as oestrogen dominance, may play a role.

Interestingly, the symptoms of oestrogen dominance are similar to that of endometriosis.

Endometrial tissue produces an enzyme called aromatase

which, in turn, leads to oestrogen production. Furthermore, oestrogen and progesterone both regulate phases of the menstrual cycle, and if a woman has gut and liver imbalances, the old hormones might not get cleared out soon enough. This can provide >>> August 2019 • happiful.com • 61

the opportunity for the unwanted recycling of oestrogen, and high levels of oestrogen compared to progesterone.

• Endometriosis and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) seem to go hand-in-hand, with many women who have endometriosis reporting this. A recent study published in the European Journal of Obstetrics & Gynecology and Reproductive Biology found that IBS is five times higher in women with endometriosis, compared to women without endometriosis, prompting thoughts of a possible link.

A bacterial imbalance in the gut can also impact the microbes and bacteria in the large intestine, small intestine and pelvic area.

This could potentially cause inflammation that damages the cells and activates the immune cells in the body leading to a dysfunctional immune system, which is also a potential trigger.

• In the 1920s, Dr John Sampson believed ‘retrograde menstruation’ could be one explanation behind the condition.

He believed that endometriosis could be caused by menstrual tissue flowing in reverse through the fallopian tubes, and landing on the pelvic organs where it may stay and grow.

• Another possible cause could be simply down to our genetic disposition – an individual might find their risk of developing endometriosis increases if it runs in the family. Additionally, hormonal developments like early puberty might be influenced by genetics.

62 • happiful.com • August 2019

HOW NUTRITION CAN HELP

Given the importance of gut health, including the detoxification of hormones through the liver, it makes sense to investigate how improving our gut health could help to manage the symptoms of endometriosis.

Because those with endometriosis are likely to have inflammation in the gut and pelvic area, the emphasis is therefore on an anti-inflammatory diet to help with this.

TASTE THE DIFFERENCE

It’s estimated that one in 10 women of reproductive age in the UK have endometriosis

An anti-inflammatory green smoothie could be a wonderful addition to your diet, and help those with endometriosis symptoms. With smoothies, you can have this daily, and simply change up some of the fruit and veg you add for a bit of variety!

This would mean eating oily fish for their omega-3 content, or seeds, nuts and avocados, olive oil, colourful foods like dark berries, carrots, sweet potatoes, and leafy vegetables, which provide vitamins and minerals that help lower inflammation and strengthen our immune system.

Green tea, cinnamon, ginger, and turmeric are also good at helping the body to fight inflammation. Cruciferous vegetables like broccoli, kale, and Swiss chard contain magnesium, along with a compound called indole-3-carbinol that assists the body in healthy oestrogen metabolism. Furthermore many of these foods (also beans and pulses) are rich in fibre, which can all help to restore hormonal imbalance.

Recipe: • 1 cup of dark green vegetables (spinach, kale, or watercress) • 1 cup of fruit (berries, mango) • 1/2 an avocado or 1 tbsp ground flaxseeds • 250ml dairy-free milk • Powdered turmeric (or ginger) Method: • Choose either spinach, kale, or watercress, and add to a blender with the fruit, to sweeten.

• For a boost of fats, add 1/2 an avocado, or ground flaxseeds, which provide a hit of omega 3.

• Pour in 250ml dairy-free milk, or use water if you prefer. The more liquid you add the runnier it will be, so experiment with the consistency you like best.

• Add a pinch of ginger, or powdered turmeric. Blend it all together and enjoy!

THINGS TO TRY TODAY

1

Sources of omega 3 oil, which can reduce levels of an inflammatory chemical and slow the growth of endometrial tissue.

If you’re on a plant-based diet, I’d recommend flaxseed oil daily.

One size does not fit all when it comes to living with endometriosis.

Consult your GP for support

2

Try supplementing iron, as low iron is common with heavy menses. You can get your blood iron levels tested, and then supplement accordingly.

3

Increase your omega 6 intake – Gamma-Linolenic Acid (GLA).

Starflower oil contains more GLA than some other options, and has therapeutic benefits to lower inflammation, balance hormones, and reduce pain.

4

Magnesium capsules can help strengthen bones, relax muscles, and reduce pelvic pain and abdominal cramps. Vitamin D3 should also be supplemented.

5

Portraits | billie.com

A good multivitamin will contain B vitamins, vitamin C, along with minerals such as zinc and calcium to keep your body healthy. My favourite is Cytoplan’s Wholefood multi.

There are also things you can implement in your lifestyle, such as trying a sitz bath, which is considered one of the natural remedies for endometriosis.

A hot bath helps reduce pain and cramping by relaxing the muscles in your pelvic area, which can be aided further by adding magnesium salts, Epsom salts, or magnesium oil. You can also add eight to 10 drops of lavender or rosemary oil.

Sonal is a nutritional therapist and director of Synergy Nutrition.

She specialises in sports nutrition, hormonal imbalances, and vegan diets. To find out more, visit synergynutrition.co.uk

August 2019 • happiful.com • 63

Photography | Max Andrey

Photography | Svetlana Pochatun

Happiful Hero

“

If you are positive, you’ll see opportunities instead of obstacles 64 • happiful • December 2018

– WIDAD AKRAWI

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. .. and

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Discover mo re about calmin g breathing tec hniques, and mindfuln e anxiety and s ss for tr therapy-direc ess at tory.org.uk

Feeling stressed or anxious? Mindful breathing could be the answer

W

e all experience stress and anxiety from time to time, yet for some, the feelings can seem overwhelming. If you find yourself stuck and unable to escape the cycle of stress and anxiety, there are simple

tricks you can try to feel more connected and present in the moment.

Therapy Directory member, Reiki master and energy healer, Julia Trickett, shares her advice.

“Your body has its welldocumented fight or flight response. So how can you reduce stress? Pretending to blow up a balloon is one method. It helps to empty your lungs as breathing tends to get shallower when you are anxious.”

Try

ake a slow, deep breath in T through your nose.

Hold your breath for two or three seconds. xhale slowly through your E mouth.

Pause for five seconds.

Repeat.

Therapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

SUMMER READS Whether you’re jetting off to sunnier shores, or planning a short staycation, summer is the perfect time for a little reading and relaxation Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

F

or a bookworm, I was never a fan of summer reading lists. Filled with dusty old books with heavy-handed morals, I always preferred exploring my local

library to see what new hidden gems I could uncover.

With more and more books, across a wider range of genres, being published than ever before, literally thousands of new titles are expected to hit the

shelves and digital platforms this summer. We share nine of our most-anticipated reads to help you (and your loved ones) get in the mood, feel inspired, and to make this summer your hottest reading season yet.

M O T I V AT I N G Y O U N G M I N D S You Can Change the World!

By Margaret Rooke (Jessica Kingsley Publishers, £12.99) In a world often caught up with celebs, shopping, and social media, best-selling author Margaret Rooke highlights the inspiring stories of 50 teens from around the world. Sharing their experiences as volunteers, campaigners, social entrepreneurs, 66 • happiful.com • August 2019

and more, these teens have helped change and improve the lives of others. From upcycling clothes for the homeless, to founding football teams for children with disabilities, help teens discover the power they hold when they have a goal worth fighting for.

G E T T I N G B A C K T O N AT U R E Go Wild: Find Freedom and Adventure in the Great Outdoors

By Chris Naylor (Summersdale, £16.99) Our modern lives see us shut away inside, hunched over screens for hours on end. When was the last time you got outside and just spent time enjoying nature? It’s never too late to rediscover the joy of the great

outdoors. Check out activities and ideas for adventures in forests, woodlands, mountains, by the seaside, and more. Find inspiration to help you escape the everyday pace, find adventure, and go wild.

FANS OF BLACK MIRROR Heartstream

By Tom Pollock (Walker Books, £7.99) Delve into the world of influencers, social media, and obsession. How much of ourselves should we be sharing online? Amy, an online influencer, has broadcast every moment of her mother’s terminal

illness. With the Heartstream app, her followers are able to experience every emotion Amy goes through. But on the day of her mother’s funeral, Amy discovers a stranger rigged with explosives in her kitchen...

LEARNING ABOUT DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES Camouflage: The Hidden Lives of Autistic Women

By Dr Sarah Bargiela (Jessica Kingsley Publishers, £12.99) Camouflage is a graphic novel with a difference. Autistic women and girls are often misrepresented or overlooked. Thanks to Dr Sarah Bargiela, readers can gain a unique insight into the lives and different perspectives of these women.

Using real-life case studies and charming illustrations, discover what everyday life can be like

for women on the spectrum.

From understanding metaphors and masking behaviours, to communication, social pressures, and managing relationships. A fantastic, easy-to-digest book for anyone hoping to understand how we can create a safer, more accommodating environment for women on the spectrum.

August 2019 • happiful.com • 67

MISCHIEVOUS MIDDLE-GRADERS Cookie and the Most Annoying Boy in the World

By Konnie Huq (Piccadilly Press, £10.99) Out 8 August A quirky, geeky girl from a Bangladeshi family, Cookie feels like she never quite fits in. When her best friend moves away, Cookie sets her heart on getting a cute kitten to help fill the void. But the most annoying boy she’s ever met buys her dream kitten, and soon she discovers he’s not only in her year at school, but is moving in next door.

Things aren’t all bad – if Cookie can just keep her cool, she may stand a chance of getting on her favourite TV show. All she has to do first is win her school science competition.

Combining anarchic humour and a little sneaky STEM learning, Cookie and the Most Annoying Boy in the World is the latest must-read for kids aged eight to 12.

Why Mummy Doesn’t Give A ****! is the perfect book to tide you through the long summer holidays while school is out

A CHEEKY LAUGH AND LETTING OFF STEAM Why Mummy Doesn’t Give A ****!

By Gill Sims (HarperCollins, £12.99) From the Sunday Times number one best-selling author Gill Sims, comes the latest laugh-out-loud novel for mums everywhere.

Mummy (Ellen) wonders how many more ‘phases’ she’s going to have to deal with before her children become civilised, functioning members of society.

Now teens, instead of pestering her about who would win in a fight – a dragon badger or a ninja horse – they spend hours Snapchatting, communicating in grunts, and stropping around their tiny cottage

(when not demanding Ellen acts as their all-hours taxi service).

The country life she’s been dreaming of isn’t turning out quite as planned, but at least they can all agree on one thing: Barry the rescue Wolfdog may be the ugliest dog in the world, but he’s also the loveliest.

The third hilarious part in the parenting blogger, author and illustrator’s Why Mummy series, Why Mummy Doesn’t Give A ****! is the perfect book to tide you through the long summer holidays while school is out.

INSPIRING DISCUSSIONS After the End

By Clare Mackintosh (Sphere, £12.99) A heart-breaking, page-turning novel from Sunday Times bestselling author Clare Mackintosh.

Max and Pip are the strongest, most unshakable couple – until their son gets sick.

As doctors put the question of his survival into their hands, for the

first time, they can’t agree. Each wants a different future for their son. But what if they could have both?

Explore love, marriage, parenthood, and the road not taken, in this unforgettable and emotional novel.

DISCOVERING INNER PEACE The Little Book of Meditations

By Gilly Pickup (Summersdale, £5.99) Have you ever wanted to try meditation, but weren’t sure where to start? Learn about the different types of meditation, discover how it can improve your sense of wellbeing, and get help to connect with the world

around you. Offering guidance and practical advice, discover simple ways you can incorporate meditation into your daily routine to help reduce anxiety, increase positivity, and help you appreciate each moment.

REFLECTION AND TRANQUILLITY Pause: 100 moments of calm

By Summersdale (£6.99) It can be easy to get caught up in the fast pace and day-to-day stresses of life. Taking time out for yourself, and finding ways to press pause, can be vital in reintroducing moments of calm

to your routine. Combining mindfulness techniques, self-care ideas, with simple ways you can relax, this pocket-sized guide helps you to find moments of peace, calm, and reflection.

WIN!

We're giving away three book bundles to keep you entertained this summer. For your chance to win, drop us an email at competitions@happiful.com by 18 August, with your answer to the following question: What is J.K. Rowling’s full first name? Good luck!

Open to UK residents only.

separation and divorce

Getting through

If your marriage is on the rocks, there’s plenty of legal and financial advice out there. But the emotional impact of a split – the anger, sadness, grief, confusion, and loneliness – needs to be tackled, too Writing | Lindsay George

A

n estimated 42% of marriages in the UK now end in divorce, with about half of these expected to occur in the first 10 years of marriage. Alongside this, around 62% of women initiate divorce – it's said that they notice the problems sooner. Yet men remarry more quickly, as they are usually confronted with greater emotional adjustment issues.

That said, 31% of all second marriages will also fail.

These are truly sobering statistics, yet divorce rates are slowing down, year on year. So why is this? Divorce is not only a financial stress but emotionally damaging, and not a decision taken lightly.

While the legal and financial processes associated with divorce are not necessarily easy to navigate, thankfully there are systems in place to help guide you through each stage.

In contrast, the emotional journey of separation and divorce is all too often neglected. The impact on your mental health and wellbeing can feel overwhelming, as you attempt to adjust and adapt to changes that you may feel you have little control over.

PARTING WAYS

Once the decision to separate has been made, often the impact ripples out further throughout the lives of those involved. The stresses and strains can be felt by family and friends, which may in turn create additional pressure on your day-to-day relationships.

It comes as no surprise, then, to learn that divorce is listed as the second most stressful life event, after the death of a loved one.

Much of my work as a psychotherapist and counsellor is spent helping clients work through emotional issues in their relationships. When a person finally makes the difficult decision to separate, or divorce a partner, I am often asked how long the actual process will take for them to recover. Statistics show that it can take up to two years to get over a divorce or separation. However, we are all different, so for some this can take considerably longer.

The significant changes that take place in your life during this period can often feel chaotic, traumatic, and filled with contradictory emotions. The process can at times feel much harder to adjust to than initially imagined.

Some days you may feel hopeful, and even relieved, to be out of it, especially if your marriage or relationship has been difficult for a long time. Other days you may feel angry, sad, lonely, confused or anxious. These are all normal emotions and it is especially important that you take extra care of yourself during this time.

if you don’t look after yourself to begin with.

An important step towards recovery, will also be in giving yourself time and space to understand what went wrong, as is focusing on what you need to do to help you let go of the past.

Looking forward to the future will help stop you feeling stuck, and more in control.

That said, with the end of any relationship, it is natural that your self-esteem and self-confidence will feel at an all time low. When you experience hurt, it is normal to want to lash out and blame one another, which will cause more resentment and upset. It is all too easy to get trapped in a cycle of blame and fault-finding.

However once you’ve agreed to separate, it might be more helpful to focus on what the relationship was lacking for both of you. While the answers may be upsetting, a better understanding of what these are will allow you both to move on.

The following tips may help you to get through this difficult time, and face the future with more hope.

MOVING FORWARD

1 Keep the lines of communication open

Giving yourself time and space to understand what went wrong is an important step towards recovery

Prioritising your own needs is vital, particularly if anyone is dependent on you. As difficult as this can be when you have so many overwhelming responsibilities, it is important to remind yourself that it will be harder to look after your children or pets, or other family members,

Talking to your friends and family could help stop you from feeling isolated; it will also help to keep things in perspective. It is natural to feel that you are the only one with problems and that you are burdening others with yours. >>>

Learning to reach out and share your heartaches and worries will not only help you feel more supported, but will allow them to feel more connected and closer to you during this difficult time.

more in charge and self-reliant.

Completing even minor tasks can feel like huge wins, which will help you overcome self-doubt and give you a sense of moving forward.

2 Let yourself grieve

While it is tempting to reach for high fat, high sugar, comfort foods, unfortunately they won’t provide you with the nourishment that you need to manage additional stress.

I bet you didn’t know that 50% of dopamine and 90% of serotonin – those neuro-transmitting feel good chemicals – are actually produced in your gut! Therefore eating foods that are high in omega 3, such as oily fish, nuts and seeds, adding a variety of fresh fruit and vegetables to your diet, alongside a probiotic drink or yogurt four to five times per week, will not only promote better gut health, but will make you feel better, too.

It is normal to feel shock and disbelief when your relationship comes to an end. Endings can evoke a sense of loss in the life that we once knew, and the life we hoped for. The process of grief will play out differently for each of us and is said to have several stages. These include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. While you may enter each of these stages at any given time, it is important to remind yourself that these are neither neat nor linear. You may require some help to work through any one of these stages if you feel you are getting stuck.

3 Dealing with anger

Anger is often the stage that many people get stuck at. Holding on to your anger not only slows down your ability to move on, but retains an emotional connection with your ex. It may be useful to recognise that anger is an externalised version of sadness.

Learning to let go and making time to de-stress will benefit not only you, but also those around you. Learning to relax is essential in helping you maintain your health and wellbeing.

4 Feeling more in control

You may feel demoralised and start to lack confidence. Setting yourself small, achievable goals will not only boost your selfesteem, but will help you feel

72 • happiful.com • August 2019

5 Healthy body, healthy mind

Setting yourself small, achievable goals will not only boost your selfesteem, but will help you feel more in charge and self-reliant Exercise also produces endorphins that make you feel good about yourself and will improve your resilience levels, which in turn help you to manage stress.

6 Professional help

The process of divorce and separation can often make you feel trapped, as daily life may feel like it’s getting harder. Talking to a professional counsellor will help provide you with the necessary support to work through and understand your feelings, so that you will be able to manage situations with a better sense of self-awareness and control.

Whether you’ve chosen, or perhaps feel forced, to make this huge change in your life, the process is never easy. Looking after yourself and getting the right support will help you get your life back together again so that you can move forward with a clearer sense of direction and a chance to find happiness and a fresh start in the future.

Lindsay George is an integrative counsellor and trained nurse, who works with adults, couples, families, and young people. She specialises in areas including depression, eating disorders, and relationships. Visit lindsaygeorge.co.uk

REALTALK

Life coach and broadcaster Anna Williamson shares the life lessons and perspectives on love, friendship, and being a bit silly from time to time, that help keep her on track Writing | Lucy Donoughue

M ‘

ulti-faceted’ is a descriptor that seems to have been created for Anna Williamson; she is a woman of many talents – and many, many jobs. She’s a mind coach, podcaster, TV presenter, radio show host, author, columnist, and the list goes on... Alongside this, she’s an ambassador for Mind, The Prince’s Trust, and Childline, and is incredibly devoted to raising awareness of mental health.

Anna speaks candidly about the mental illness she has faced herself, including crippling anxiety disorder earlier in her

TV career. She’s also shared her experiences around the arrival of her son Enzo, explaining how the trauma of his birth, and the postnatal depression that followed, impacted her, and her relationship with her partner.

Her open book approach to life’s events and the working of our minds, without a hint of airbrushing, is a breath of fresh air in the entertainment industry.

Right now, Anna is putting this talent for straight-talking to great use. She’s in the middle of filming a new series of E4’s Celebs Go Dating (her second so far), and continues to produce the twiceweekly frank, funny, and very

often naughty, ‘Loose Lips’ podcast with Luisa Zissman – and she’s feeling grateful about both projects for very different reasons.

“Working on Celebs Go Dating really is my dream job,” she says enthusiastically. “I’m working with people who want to make changes; they aspire to love or a relationship, and they want to work on themselves. From a personal and psychological point of view, that’s really interesting.”

Working with her colleague, Paul Brunswick, Anna helps to guide the celebrities through a new approach to dating, and she insists that the process has given her much to think about too. >>> August 2019 • happiful.com • 73

It’s taught me that everyone deserves love. And if people are willing to be open and show their vulnerable side, they feel better, and become happier individuals too “It’s taught me that everyone deserves love,” she explains. “And if people are willing to be open and show their vulnerable side, they feel better, and become happier individuals too. And it’s going to be another really eventful series,” she teases.

And as for ‘Loose Lips’, what does that bring her?

“Recording ‘Loose Lips’ is a huge release!” she says laughing.

Anna and co-host Luisa Zissman met when Anna was the ‘psych’ expert on Big Brother’s Bit On The 74 • happiful.com • August 2019

Side, and have been firm friends ever since. Their friendship is one of the factors that makes the podcast such a huge hit; it comes through so clearly in their chat.

“We’re just two girls, having a good natter and a catch up, taking the mick out of each other,” Anna explains when asked about their pod’s appeal. “It’s no-holdsbarred, and we speak openly and honestly.”

It’s not always sweetness and light though – and that’s OK by Anna too. “We’re very different

benefit of being a bit silly; we’re all too consumed with trying to look good on Instagram, and filtering the cr*p out of ourselves.”

Whatever platform she’s on, Anna commits to being her authentic self – and this is what makes her so successful. She has a brilliant ability to inject a large dollop of reality into every conversation she’s part of, along with a lot of belly laughs.

Being real is a value that Anna holds dear, and one acquired from personal experience. “I’ve been

Photography | Ruth Rose

people. What we love about the podcast is that it shows that it’s OK to disagree; you can stay friends, you don’t have to segregate yourself, or shun people because you don’t both think the same way.

“There’s loads of stuff Luisa says that I don’t agree with, and she talks about me ‘banging on about mental health’ – a subject I think she struggles to get her head around. But we respect each other enough to agree to disagree, and at the end of it have a good old laugh – and that’s what its about.”

Embracing this playful side is important to Anna. “I think in this day and age we lose sight of the

through some hard stuff,’ she says plainly. “I’ve suffered with really bad mental health, and life has thrown some really challenging times at me – as it has with a lot of people.”

“I’ve learned through these experiences – in therapy and then through professional training – that being authentic and true to yourself is actually the key to wellness and happiness.

“So many of us feel we have to fit into a mould, people-please, or be something that we’re not sometimes, and I learned the hard way that I am who I am, and I don’t need to pretend I’m anyone I’m not.”

So, in addition to keeping it real, how does Anna keep it all going?

From the outside, she seems to be spinning a lot of plates...

“There is a certain amount of juggling that goes on – but also, becoming a parent gives you so much perspective. You realise that you’re keeping a little person alive, and that their needs are more important than anything else.

“I’ve become really disciplined since becoming a mum,” she adds.

“Whereas before I could burn the candle at both ends, say yes to things that perhaps I shouldn’t, and I was teetering on people-pleasing.

“All of that has gone, because I have a little boy who needs to go to bed at 7pm, or be picked up from nursery – so it’s really important for me to have a disciplined routine day-to-day.”

However, Anna is aware that to stay well and mentally healthy, she also needs to make time for herself. “I plan ‘days of no obligation’,” she explains. “They are quite few and far between, but they are for me to do whatever I want to; whether that’s watching

a box set, seeing a friend, or going for a massage. I treat those days like they are a doctor’s appointment, because they’re essential for my health.”

Anna is also emphatic about the need to keep learning, and she continues to be deeply interested in mental health, psychology, and learning more about human interactions. She reads widely, and tunes into other people’s thinking on these subjects, as part of her own professional and personal development.

Anna has therapy, too – in the form of supervision for her career and for herself, and she continues to be an advocate for the positive impact counselling and coaching can have.

“I really feel that everyone should have someone to offload to, and therapy is such an important and cathartic thing to do,” she shares. “I would say to anyone reading this, please don’t wait until something is wrong.

“To have someone, a counsellor or coach, to sit down and talk to, especially if you’re busy and you wear a lot of hats – parent hat, work hat, relationship hat – having someone that you can work everything through with, and prioritise your own happiness and wellbeing in that time, is extremely beneficial.”

She pauses. “As well as carving out that bit of time for yourself and having a good old gossip with a girlfriend,” she laughs.

“The power of that should not be underestimated.”

Anna Willamson is a mind coach, TV presenter, podcast host, author, and a celebrity dating agent on E4’s ‘Celebs Go Dating’. Follow Anna on Instagram @annawilliamsonofficial To find a therapist or life coach near you, visit counselling-directory.org.uk or lifecoach-directory.org.uk August 2019 • happiful.com • 75

6 ways to help

your relationship thrive through illness The language of love is never simple, but for those with long-term illnesses there can be even more aspects to decipher. Love's labour's are not lost, though – with these tips you'll soon be fluent, and communication can flourish Writing | Anna Gaunt

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ll relationships come with challenges, and some we can all relate to – the debate over who’s cooking dinner, taking the bins out, and who left their towel on the bathroom floor.

But illness can bring with it a whole host of other relationship tests.

With more than 15 million of us living with a long-term health condition in the UK, it can add another element to your relationship. From mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety, to physical illnesses such as arthritis, for those who are diagnosed, it can be scary and unsettling.

Some might be afraid of how their partner will respond, and support them. It can also be difficult for the partner, who might not know how best to help.

But while there may be tricky things to navigate, like any relationship, it can still thrive with a bit of attention and care.

If you are worried about how your long-term health condition might affect your relationship, here are some ideas to help it thrive.

1 COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER

It might sound obvious and key to all relationships, but honest communication is vital when you or your partner are struggling with an illness. Both physical and mental illnesses can be complex for somebody who isn’t experiencing them to understand.

It can also be easy to make assumptions about how the other person is feeling. For instance, if you’re unable to do your share of the housework due to illness, you may assume that your partner is annoyed about it. If your partner is not talking to you because they are busy with the housework, they may accidentally portray that they are annoyed. Make time to honestly communicate how you are both feeling to help avoid misunderstandings.

2 EMPATHISE WITH EACH OTHER

Receiving a diagnosis of a longterm health condition can be really hard. From feeling ill and being in pain, to feeling overwhelmed by appointments and treatments,

and guilty for being unable to do the things that you used to.

It is important that a partner recognises how difficult it can be to have an illness. However, it is also important to acknowledge how difficult it can be for a partner.

Seeing their loved one suffering and being unable to help, while taking on the mammoth load of life errands for the both of you, can be hard, too. Trying to see things from one another’s perspective can help you to understand and support each other.

3 ALLOW YOURSELF TO RECEIVE SUPPORT

As somebody with a long-term health condition, it can be difficult to accept support. You don’t want to lose your independence or be seen as weak. You don’t want to admit defeat. But pushing yourself beyond your limits, because you’re too proud to accept help, can be damaging to your health. Refusing your partner’s care and support can also make them feel helpless.

They may not be able to cure you, but they can cook your dinner!

4 FIND JOY IN THE LITTLE THINGS

Spending quality time together is important, but if illness is preventing you from going on dates, don’t fret. Joy can be found in the little things, like laughing about that time you fell over in

You will see that you’re deserving of love. You’re more than just a person with an illness

Tesco, making bubble beards in the bath, or reading together. Having someone to do nothing with can be better than having someone to do ‘something’ with.

imagining yourselves on a private jet to the Maldives. Dreaming can be the escapism you need when struggling with the daily realities of an illness.

5 DREAM TOGETHER

6 LOVE YOURSELF FIRST

A lot of long-term health conditions fluctuate with periods of heightened symptoms, followed by periods of remission. When your illness is kicking you down, dream of what you’ll do when you’re feeling better. It can be as simple as making pancakes at the weekend, or as wild as

It’s a cliché that you can’t love anybody else until you love yourself, but self-love can help your relationship to thrive.

Illnesses can contribute to a lack of confidence for numerous reasons, including side-effects of medication. But if you love yourself, you’ll see why your partner loves you, and be less likely to question why they would choose the challenges your illness can bring.

You will see that you’re deserving of love. You’re more than just a person with an illness.

You deserve support.

You deserve a moment of peace in your mind

Breaking free from my obsessive compulsive thoughts The reality of living with OCD isn’t a penchant for tidiness and order, it’s a debilitating condition where intrusive thoughts can terrorise your daily world Writing | Suz Yasemin Selçuk

I

f you’ve ever suffered with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and intrusive thoughts, chances are you’ve come across someone who has falsely diagnosed themselves with it. Not in a health anxiety way; someone who is ‘so OCD’ because they like a clean house, or are super-organised. But that’s where it ends. Somebody who’s decided it’s a fun word to describe someone’s silly, slightly annoying personality traits.

When you live with OCD (and I say ‘live’ because it never leaves you, like an uninvited, overpowering housemate, who doesn’t pay rent), you understand it isn’t a passing thought, or feeling. It’s a constant intruder in your mind, affecting your day from the moment you wake, to the minute you close your eyes at night. >>>

Suz [right] and her cousin Serra as children

“My friend Dee helped me out of a really dark place”

I’ve struggled with OCD since I was eight, and launched my blog in late 2017 to raise awareness.

There’s something about OCD that makes it seem more taboo than some other mental illnesses. For me, it’s because amongst everything else going on in my mind, this is the thing that makes me feel the most crazy.

80 • happiful.com • August 2019

With OCD, we experience intrusive and mainly irrational thoughts. A lot of the time, we know they are irrational. But they still terrify us and consume us.

According to studies, it takes most sufferers 18 years to seek help. This hit home for me, as from the age of eight until I was 21, I stayed silent.

My experience started in 1998 after a semitraumatic event at school – I wasn’t in immediate danger, but it deeply affected me and how ‘safe’ I saw the world.

I developed a fear of breaking things, and was plagued with thoughts that I was going to upset someone I loved. I would touch a door and panic that I had scratched it.

I’d build up the worry inside until I broke down, distraught and inconsolable.

This first stage of OCD lasted a couple of months, and then manifested into different things over the next 10 years. OCD has a way of strengthening its power the longer you are silent. Like a monster, it changes form so that it can rear its ugly head when you least expect it.

When I was nine, my obsessive compulsive thoughts shifted into fears that something bad was going to happen to someone I loved. The ironic thing about OCD is that it brings your worst fears to the surface, in the format that you want them to happen. Many intrusive thoughts appear as ‘-insert name- is going to die’.

So, guess what your next thought is? ‘You thought it, so now if it does happen, it’s your fault.’

When I had intrusive thoughts, I’d have to perform an ‘action’ to protect the person. I’d touch the wall a certain number of times, or say a sentence in my head for 10 minutes. Before bed, I had

a ritual – recite the names of every person I cared about. If I missed anyone, I’d have to start again, in case something horrible happened to them.

Over the years, obsessive compulsive thoughts manifested into phobias and health anxiety.

When I started college in 2007, my health anxiety triggers ranged from using a new beauty product and panicking about a fatal reaction, to having an undiagnosed (usually terminal) illness. The panic attacks took over my life – the feeling of my throat closing up and not being able to breathe made me too scared to sleep in case I never woke up again.

At uni, I even developed a toilet anxiety where I couldn’t go anywhere I hadn’t been before in case there wasn’t a loo. This added to the feelings of shame, making it harder to ask for help. I just couldn’t do normal things people my age were doing.

After I finished university in 2012, the rituals, and constant state of panic had gotten too much to bear. I isolated myself out

For anyone struggling, remember OCD thrives on your silence. It forces you to feel guilt, shame and embarrassment about what’s going on Suz blogs to raise awareness of OCD at crazycreativecool.com

of fear that something bad would happen while outside. But even at home, I would panic and end up hysterical if someone was late coming home.

I never really talked to anyone about it, and my mind desperately needed an outlet.

In 2014, I developed dermatillomania – a form of self-harm which involves the ritual of picking at your skin to generate feelings of relief from anxiety.

The skin picking gave me another excuse not to leave the house, because I felt so disgusted in myself.

My self-esteem was so low, I couldn’t find the joy in anything. I was convinced this was all my life would be, and then began to not feel anything.

After reading an article on depression, I understood what the numbness meant. I’d spent years feeling trapped by my mind, but I suddenly had a stronger thought. I deserved to get better.

In 2016, I found a therapist I connected with, started cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and began to feel hopeful.

We practised exposure exercises, and I would be in tears, convinced there was no way I could do it. Each session I came back with news of my accomplishments – baby steps in battling my intrusive thoughts.

Counselling genuinely changed my life. It helped me to be aware of my thoughts and not let them define or control me.

For anyone struggling, remember OCD thrives on your silence. It forces you to feel guilt, shame and embarrassment about what’s going on. It controls and isolates you. I was constantly searching for someone else who was going through something similar. I didn’t find anyone for years – so many of us feel isolated

with OCD, and the irony is just that: so many of us.

The most important thing to destroy the power OCD was holding over me was talking to someone.

Help and support is out there, but you have to believe you are worthy of reaching out for it.

You deserve support.

You deserve a moment of peace in your mind.

OUR EXPERT SAYS For Suz, her OCD made the world around her feel unsafe and anxious. Ultimately, anxiety and self-harm overwhelmed her and she withdrew from life. Like many people, it took her years to ask for help, but in starting therapy, taking the difficult road did she began to release her from the grip of her obsessive compulsive thoughts. Through therapy, and learning not to be silenced by her experiences, Suz was able to reclaim her life.

Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) UKRCP Reg Ind counsellor

August 2019 • happiful.com • 81

Is mental health on your company agenda?

We believe mental health first aid training should be given equal importance to physical first aid training in every workplace. If you would like to become a mental health first aider at work, Happiful can train you, and we've created this email template to help you explain the benefits to your boss

Dear <<Boss/HR Manager>>, I'd like to become a mental health first aider for <<your company name>> and I'm hoping you can help.

Here are some of the reasons why <<your company name>> will benefit from offering Mental Health First Aid training to our employees: 1. Build staff confidence to have open conversations around mental health and break the stigma in the office and in society.

2. Encourage people to access early support when needed. Early intervention means faster recovery.

3. Empower people with a long term mental health issue or disability to thrive in work, and ensure that we are compliant with legislation in the Equality Act 2010.

4. Promote a mentally healthy environment, and allow people to thrive and become more productive.

5. Embed a long-term, positive culture across the whole organisation, where our employees recognise their mental and physical health are supported as equal parts of the whole person.

6. Proudly share that mental health is on our company agenda and improve retention as a result of a reduction in staff stress levels.

Happiful offers two-day mental health first aid training courses for individuals across the country for £235 + VAT per person, and they can also offer bespoke courses on-site at our workplace if we have a minimum of eight attendees.

Yours sincerely, <<a future mental health first aider>>

To register your company’s interest or to book an individual place, visit training.happiful.com or drop us an email at training@happiful.com

Did you know that stress, anxiety, and depression are the biggest causes of sickness absence in our society?

Mental ill-health is currently responsible for 91 million working days lost each year. The cost to UK employers is £34.9 billion each year.* Happiful has partnered with Simpila Healthy Solutions to offer internationally recognised courses and training events in the UK. Each course is delivered by an accredited Mental Health First Aid England instructor and is delivered in a safe, evidence-based programme. *Source: MHFA England

Proudly working with

SIMPILA

Healthy Solutions

Hospice Biographers:

Keeping the story alive

In the depths of grief, and in the years that follow the death of a loved one, a familiar voice can offer the world of comfort. Hospice Biographers is the charity that grants terminally ill patients the chance to have their life stories professionally recorded. But the benefits of their work expand far and wide...

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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hen someone we love passes away, a million things may be running through our minds as we try to come to terms with the hole they left in our lives.

But what if you could tune in to hear your loved one’s voice telling their story in their own words, and guiding you through their legacy?

Barbara Altounyan was in her late 20s, and about to become a reporter for the BBC, when her family got the news that her dad didn’t have long left to live.

Instinctively, Barbara borrowed a tape recorder, and set about recording her dad’s life story as a way to preserve his memory and celebrate his life.

Sadly, Barbara’s dad passed away just a few weeks after they finished, but the experience inspired her to volunteer as an audio biographer at a nearby

hospice. From here, she went on to found Hospice Biographers: the charity that records people’s life stories as they enter its final chapter.

They want to feel that, after they die, they have something permanent for those that they know BUILDING A LEGACY

Each year, hospices around the UK support more than 200,000 people with terminal or lifelimiting illnesses. For those who approach the Hospice Biographers, there is comfort and purpose to be found in the offer of a recording session.

“They’re looking for a number of things,” Barbara says. “It may >>>

be catharsis; they’re looking for a way of expelling their frustrations.

Or they’re looking for a way that they can put past events straight.

“The most important one, though, is legacy,” she explains.

“They want to feel that, after they die, they have something permanent for those that they know.”

Many of us will be able to relate to the power of the stories that are passed down through generations, from grandparents, parents, and elders in our communities. Those stories simultaneously help us build a portrait of their lives – something we can celebrate and honour – and preserve their memory and spirit through the lessons they teach us, and the visions that we may share.

And there’s an important reason why Hospice Biographers record audio only, with Barbara explaining that the format empowers people to tell their stories in their own voice, allowing them to be judged – not by their appearance or their ability to write a story – but as a person, and a human being.

CAPTURING CHARACTERS

Of course, for the family and friends of those who have recorded their stories with Hospice Biographers, the gift of those recordings is priceless.

“I’ve been chased down corridors,” says Barbara. “People come barging into my little makeshift audio studio at my hospice, and give me these huge bear hugs. They burst into tears.

Oh gosh, they love it.”

When she reflects on the people she has worked with over the years, there’s one woman in

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particular who stands out in Barbara’s memory.

Suzanne Wallace was a superintendent in the Metropolitan Police before she was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. She turned to Hospice Biographers to record her story of a life lived to its fullest.

But Barbara’s role in Suzanne’s story didn’t end when the audio stopped recording. Before she died, Suzanne and her family

asked Barbara to give a eulogy at her funeral.

In a packed church of more than 300 people, Barbara guided the congregation through Suzanne’s incredible life, using clips from the recordings they had done together.

“People cried and people laughed because there was so much of Suzanne’s character,” Barbara reflects. “They laughed because it was so her.”

I’ve been a journalist forever, and I’ve seen all sorts of wars – and God knows what – in the world, but entering into a hospice, as I did for the first time, was a hell of a shock

Find out more about Hospice Biographers by visiting thehospicebiographers.com

For Barbara and all those involved in Hospice Biographers, these are the moments that they’re working towards; they’re found in the quirks of character that can become buried under the burden of terminal illness, but that are brought back to life through the recordings.

THE ART OF STORYTELLING But moments like this couldn’t be captured without the skill

and sensitivity of the people who volunteer for Hospice Biographers, and it isn’t an easy thing to do. Volunteers have to resolve themselves to the gravity of what they are doing, and – as Barbara explains – be comfortable working in a unique environment.

“I’ve been a journalist forever, and I’ve seen all sorts of wars – and God knows what – in the world, but entering into a hospice for the first time was a hell of a shock,” says Barbara. “The sensibilities, rules, and regulations are just very, very different.”

In anticipation of this, Hospice Biographers pass on a job description to hospices, which is then shared among those already volunteering there, and all candidates are required to take part in a two-day training course prior to starting the interviews.

“We do things on the art of listening, chronological interviewing techniques, use of audio equipment, downloading on USB, and safeguarding,” Barbara explains. “It can be quite emotionally draining; it’s very challenging.”

Together, the volunteers and the people they are working with craft a recording that will be treasured for generations to come.

But Barbara doesn’t want to stop at hospices. Identifying that there are those on the fringes of society who miss out on hospice care, she plans to expand the service to include people in prisons, those who are homeless, and people in the travelling community. The vision being to offer everyone in our society the same opportunity to build a legacy.

Reflecting on this choice, Barbara’s reasoning is simple: “We just think it’s the right thing to do.”

THE FINAL CHAPTERS

In the end, our lives become a series of stories, broken into chapters as we grow. From the school stories that remind us of our budding hopes and dreams, through the thrilling highs of adulthood – and the quiet lulls too – each experience makes us who we are, and who we are touches the people around us in ways that trickle down the generations.

What Barbara and everyone else involved in the charity are doing with Hospice Biographers is giving us the chance to capture these stories in a physical way, to hold on to the voices and the memories of the people that we love, and to keep them alive in a way that only storytelling can do.

August 2019 • happiful.com • 85

Walk on the wild side After years battling drink and drug addiction, walking saved Jonathan Hoban’s life. Here the psychotherapist and former musician explains how nature can help us find answers to our problems – and true happiness. The great outdoors, indeed…

Writing | Gemma Calvert

“

‘In nature, we find the silence to hear our true thoughts and, in doing so, start to consider ourselves again’

L

ook deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.”

From Albert Einstein’s words of wisdom, to Buddha urging his disciples to meditate in the jungle to reach a higher state of consciousness, the restorative effects of nature have long been understood.

For centuries, millions have reaped physical and emotional rewards from being in the great outdoors – including former rock musician turned therapist Jonathan Hoban, who says being outside “guided and nurtured” him through recovery from substance abuse and grief.

Since retraining in psychotherapy 20 years ago, Jonathan has devised Walking Therapy, which merges walking in nature with counselling. Be it strolling along a meandering riverbank, power walking through a dense pine forest, or sitting quietly in a postage stamp patch of parkland, he swears by the emotional healing power of outside spaces.

“It’s not only about that low aerobic exercise, but when we walk in nature, our brain releases oxytocin, which is very meditative.

And putting time for a walk in the diary – making time for yourself – is important because when we’re busy, we never make time for ourselves,” explains Jonathan.

Away from their phones, computers, and the stresses of work and daily life, Jonathan’s clients discover the mental space to unravel problems that would otherwise stay buried, and connect to what he calls their “instinctive, wilder side”, or “primal energies”.

“You might not want to do a job anymore but push down those feelings, and suppress that intuition, because you’re frightened of what you need to do with your life,” says Jonathan, adding that we’re in the midst of an “epidemic of stress, anxiety and depression”.

A nation of over-workers, many of us are awash with stress hormone cortisol, which peaks when we’re frazzled. Inevitably, we lose our sense of personal boundaries, which is why we work through our lunch breaks, agree to overtime, or take work home at weekends – all of which damage personal relationships. Walking, though, has the power to rectify this imbalance.

“The worst torment in the world is not being abandoned by someone else – it’s when you abandon yourself. But in nature, we find the silence to hear our true thoughts and, in doing so, start to consider ourselves again,” says Jonathan.

In his book, Walk With Your Wolf: Unlock your intuition, confidence and power, which he wrote for people who want to become better connected to themselves but can’t afford counselling, Jonathan recommends keeping a walking diary. By jotting down one-word feelings before, during, and after each walk, we can be inwardly honest about our feelings, and discover what we need to lead a balanced and happy life.

“The first boundary is with yourself and that commitment of ‘I’m going to do this for me’,” says Jonathan, adding that technologyfree walking is another step in the right direction.

“People want to feel loved and important, so are always wondering: ‘Is there another >>>

MY LIFE-TRANSFORMING WALKS The Lake, Wimbledon Park This was the first place I started walking, when I was in the thick of it. There was something about watching ducks just being ducks that made me think: ‘It’s going to be OK.’ I realised I could make my journey as complicated as I wanted, or as simple as a duck following another duck. The big message from that moment was that life is for living.

For that moment in my life, I had a purpose. I was moving forward and had control email?’ Our esteem is so based around what’s happening on our phones, it keeps our eyes looking down instead of up. Our eyes need to be up in order to connect with something – or someone – else.”

Walking in nature, says Jonathan, helps us find solutions to problems.

“When you walk, endorphins get released in the brain and you can start being more solutions-focused and strategically-focused,” he says.

“So is it about taking a fourday week, quitting your job to do something different, or committing to take more breaks during the working day? The brain can work for 40 minutes maximum and it then needs a 20-minute break, otherwise it will not work effectively. I’ve got more people to take more breaks throughout their day, and their efficiency and productivity has gone up by about 60–70%.”

Jonathan would have done anything for such insight 23 years ago when he was in the grip of his addictions – dependent on cocaine and alcohol, blotting his pain after

88 • happiful.com • August 2019

losing his mum to colon cancer when he was 17.

His problems started earlier, at 13 – “a little bit of gin here and there” – to cope with being bullied at school.

“The world didn’t feel safe. I was bullied from the age of 10, and when mum died, the loss I felt was indescribable. I was so angry because I thought she’d endure anything. People say ‘talk about your feelings’ but when the pain is that deep, you can’t put it into words. I was drinking, doing cocaine, and smoking marijuana, and then, at 22, when I was trying to get clean, my brother died.”

The trauma of losing his brother triggered an escalation of drug use to catastrophic levels until “a light switched on” inside Jonathan. Realising he would die if he did not seek professional help, he entered rehab, arranged counselling, and got sober.

Then in the weeks and months that followed, he began walking every day on Wimbledon Common or Richmond Park,

Wimbledon pond, around the Common, to the windmill and back When you’re in drug addiction, you’re disconnected with everything, and it’s the scariest thing – so one day I began naming the trees on my walk.

They were like people I passed each day, so it was a way of reintroducing relationships, and widening the scope to realise there was more to life than just what was happening to me right then.

Wimbledon Golf Club Since my dad died four years ago, I’ve felt great comfort returning to the walk I did with my family as a child. I feel my mum, brother, and dad are walking beside me. Sometimes we need physical space to tap into our past, and that’s why walks are so important, especially if you’ve done them with someone who’s passed.

It’ll jog your memory about things you’ve been through, and conversations you’ve had.

There’s great wisdom, comfort, and direction there, and it reminds us who we are.

a process that gave him the “strength to rebuild his life” and finally helped him conquer depression and anxiety.

“My addictions gave me a sense of control, because I could choose when and where I decided to smash myself apart. It gave me a sense of autonomy when I’d lost my mum and brother, even though I was completely out of control, with no autonomy. But when I took a walk, that too gave me a sense of autonomy,” he says. “For that moment in my life, I had a purpose. I was moving forward and had control.”

Five years ago, Jonathan moved from south-west London, where he developed Walking Therapy, to the Isle of Wight, where he lives with his wife and two daughters, and runs residential retreats for burned-out city workers. More often than not, on day three, he witnesses a flood of emotions as clients relax and the adrenaline wears off, exposing their true feelings.

“We always look at drugs like alcohol but never consider the drugs that we create in ourselves, in our minds, with adrenaline being the main one,” says Jonathan, who believes walking and finding the mental space to confront difficult emotions can treat anxiety and depression long before they take hold.

“If you think about anger being an energy, if you push that energy into a boiler, it will explode or implode. If it implodes, you get depression, but before it explodes, an alarm goes off – that’s anxiety. You’ve got to deal with the pressure that’s building up in the boiler beforehand,” he explains.

FIND YOUR TEMPO Fast: “When you’re depressed, it’s fine to walk slowly, but I’ve found that when I’ve really walked, the blood begins racing around the body, which gets the endorphins going. The act of walking can help us channel out unwanted or negative feelings.”

Slow: “Get rid of all the anger you’ve pent up over the day by ambling during your lunch break. Ambling is about slowing it down. Come out of the office and watch other people run around while you walk slowly.

This is a great way to manage your adrenal glands and calm them down, which guards against burnout. The more we amble, the more we’re present and connected with everything around us because life isn’t flying past us.”

My clients inspire me every single day. The power of what they’re able to achieve fascinates me

‘Walk With Your Wolf: Unlock your intuition, confidence and power’, by Jonathan Hoban (Yellow Kite, £14.99).

Visit jonathanhoban.com for more.

As a psychotherapist, Jonathan feels privileged to be able to help others, using nature as a healer – a gift he luckily stumbled across before it was too late.

“My clients inspire me every single day,” he smiles. “The power of what they’re able to achieve fascinates me, which is why if someone says, ‘I’m depressed, I’ll never get over it,’ I never carry that disbelief. ‘It will work,’ I say. ‘But you’ve got to put the work in.’”

August 2019 • happiful.com • 89

Mental health matters Former fire dancer Sophie Lee has moulded a movement online, asking people to re-think what it means to be beautiful, and driving a call for acceptance. Here, she shares the things she turns to during hard times, and the people who inspire her to keep moving forward Mental health matters to me because… mental health affects every aspect of a person’s life.

It’s important to be happy and confident on the inside, as other people’s opinions and actions can have a huge effect on us when we’re not stable with ourselves.

Photography | Olivia J Photography oliviajphotography.com

When I need support I… speak to my close friends around me, and try to get a better understanding of my situation, as sometimes I can overthink a lot of problems.

When I need some self-care, I… take time out to be alone. I sometimes forget that I need this, but then I recharge and revitalise, and I’m back to my energised self.

The books I turn to time and again are… The Secret by Rhonda Byrne is like my Bible! I read it when I need advice, or any words of wisdom.

People I find inspiring online are…

Munroe Bergdorf, Katie Piper, and Steven Bartlett. They’re all very inspirational, and have a lot of motivational content that I can relate to.

Sophie was left with severe burns after things went drastically wrong during one of her performances

Three things I would say to someone experiencing mental ill-health are… be patient. Take your time. Life is not a race, everything is happening just at the right time.

Trust yourself. We often forget that we are in control of the way we feel, we can allow or not allow situations to control our emotions. Be strong.

Let it go. When we live with hate in our hearts, the only person suffering is ourselves. Release the anger and you will be much happier with whatever comes along in life.

The moment I felt most proud of myself is… when I get messages from people around the world who have found inspiration in my story. It took a lot to put my insecurities aside and share the good and bad parts of my journey.

But it’s all been worth it, as I’m proud that I could help to change people’s lives.

For more from Sophie, follow her on Instagram: @sophirelee

Photography | Svetlana Pochatun Photography | Eduardo Dutra

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