Happiful August 2021

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

Turn

dreams

AUG 2021 £5.99

Written in the stars There's mindful magic in the night sky

into reality Reignite your passions with six key questions

PLUS

The choice is yours How to disclose illness on your own terms

In your element Harness the power of earth, wind, fire & water

A star is born

William Shakespeare once wrote: “It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves.”

But actually, what if it’s both?

Nearly every element in the human body was forged by a star – meaning that, while Shakespeare was right to encourage us to take charge of our own futures, at our core we’re all stardust, too.

In fact, everything on Earth originated from stardust – it’s where the elements were formed.

It’s in our atoms, at the centre of our very being.

It really reminds you that no matter who we are, where we are, or what we’re going through, there is something that unites us. We can never truly be alone, because we’re all connected – not just to each other, but to the whole cosmos.

And that deep link to the world around us could be just what you need to hear. That connection can make us feel less alone, wherever we are in the world. It can give us purpose, a drive to be part of something bigger than ourselves.

We can gain perspective, clarity, and compassion.

And this is what our feature on p18 can help you with, inspiring you to embrace the mindful magic waiting for us in the night sky.

Our beginner’s guide to emotional freedom technique on p22 can aid you in ‘tapping’ into feelings, and our article on interracial relationships on p44 can help open your eyes to the challenges our loved ones are facing.

While we all have unique experiences, trials, and moments of joy, the truth is we’re all here, looking up at the same sky.

When you doubt yourself, or feel alone, uninspired, or disconnected, just remember to look up. You are part of something big, and you were always born to be a star.

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REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR

I | @happiful_magazine

18

The bigger picture 18 In the stars

How the simple act of stargazing can support our overall wellbeing

24 Down in words

Journaling techniques to help you get to know yourself

26 Guilt getaway 54 Beyond the binary

We explore what it means to be non-binary, and a better ally

62 The wellness element

Science-backed ways the four elements can boost your mood

87 Out of this world

Could virtual reality technology help us overcome social anxiety?

Relationships 31 Escaping estrangement

What happens when reconnecting with a sibling doesn’t go to plan?

34 Managing an overtalker 44 Interracial love

The challenges, quirks, lessons, and joys of interracial relationships

Feel-good food 60 Mocktail hour

Treat yourself to a delicious, nutritious mocktail

75 The wellness supplement Sorting fact from fiction when it comes to taking supplements

Wellbeing 14 Bedtime procrastination

Do you put off going to sleep to the cost of your wellbeing?

52

22 Tips for tapping

A beginner’s guide to EFT

40 Lakeside wellbeing 71 Mantra meditation

Try this at home

Have yourself a mindful moment

30 Create a butterfly garden

79 Opening up

50 Eco products to invest in

When and how to disclose an illness

86 High functioning anxiety Spot the signs

82 Are you overreacting?

91 Stand up for yourself

44

Culture 8 Good news

This month’s uplifting stories

13 The wellbeing wrap 43 Summer page-tuners

*

58 Things to do in August

Expert review

79

Positive pointers 16 Unlock your dreams

Six questions to help you realise your aspirations

48 Get going with counselling Questions to ask before you begin

52 Dealing with phobias

Tips to help you manage fears

84 Healing hands

What do you need to know about alternative therapies?

98 Dear body...

True stories 37 Kevin: back again

Tragedy led to homelessness, but kindness brought him back again

67 Beth: a square peg

A change of diagnoses left her unsettled, now she helps others

40

95 Tayo: after grief

The trauma of bereavement led Tayo to feel like an outsider

Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

We can often become very focused on the minutiae of the day – interactions we have had with people, and small things that can have a big impact on how we feel. If we allow ourselves the time and space to reflect on our experiences, a greater perspective can be achieved, and sometimes those little details become less significant. After all, we are just a tiny speck of dust in a vast universe! On p18, the night sky and how this can impact our wellbeing is explored with the use of mindfulness. By allowing ourselves space and time, we can connect internally, which can support with our overall mental and physical health.

RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Expert Panel Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

MARGARET WALSH BA MA PGDip BACP

Margaret is a therapist and coach who focuses on self-awareness.

Our team EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Head Writer Chelsea Graham | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers

DANIELA SANGIORGIO

DR ABIGAIL PAMICH

LLB MSTAT BBT

BSc (Hons) D.Clin.Psych HCPC

Daniela is an Alexander Technique teacher and Buteyko breathing practitioner.

Abigail is a consultant clinical psychologist and clinical director.

Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer Katie Hoare | Digital Marketing & Content Officer Grace Victory | Columnist Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

NISHAT AHMED

BIBI JAMIESON

BSs PGCert PGDip BABCP

MA (Hons) MBACP

Nishat is a cognitive behavioural psychotherapist.

Bibi is an counsellor, couples therapist, and mother-daughter coach.

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator Tamyln Izzett | Graphic Designer

COMMUNICATIONS

Alice Greedus | PR Manager alice.greedus@happiful.com

GRAEME ORR

ANNE MILLNE-RILEY

MBACP (Accred) Reg Ind

BA Hons Dip Hyp-Psych ANRHP

Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.

Anne is a psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and coach specialising in resilience.

CONTRIBUTORS

Dr Abigail Pamich, Margaret Walsh, Layla Haidrani, Amber Tennant, Bibi Jamieson, Katie Conibear, VJ Hamilton, Rosalind Ryan, Jenna Farmer, Maxine Ali, Max Dickins, Kevin, Beth Rees, Tayo Andoh

SPECIAL THANKS

VJ HAMILTON

RACHEL COFFEY

BSc (hons) RNutr mBANT mIFM

BA MA NLP Mstr

VJ is a registered nutritional therapist and autoimmune disease expert.

Rachel is a life coach, encouraging confidence.

Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Nicola Bard, Nishat Ahmed, Anne Millne-Riley, Sonal Shah, Daniela Sangiorgio, Gordana Petrović, Marian Barry

MANAGEMENT

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

SUBSCRIPTIONS

NICOLA BARD

SONAL SHAH

BA MBACP EFTi

BSc (Hons)

Nicola is a counsellor and a certified and accredited EFT practitioner.

Sonal is a nutritional therapist, health tutor, and director of Synergy Nutrition.

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HAPPIFUL FAMILY

MARIAN BARRY

GORDANA PETROVIĆ

BA (Hons) PGCE RSA Dip Dip Hyp

BSc TCM MAcS

Marian is a hypnotherapist who specialises in confidence.

Gordana is a holistic health practitioner, supporting you naturally.

Helping you find the help you need.

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Reignite your passions with six key questions

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The road to relaxation

A sensual awakening

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BODY IMAGE

It’s time to rock your ‘ugly’

Photography | Waleed Shah

The Uplift

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and yet we rarely see it in ourselves. Encouraging us to let go of toxic beauty standards, acclaimed international photographer Waleed Shah is fuelling the body positivity movement in the UAE, by asking subjects to showcase their biggest insecurities, and to finally see the beauty in them.

After going viral online in 2019, Waleed’s portrait series has now been collated in a book called Rock Your Ugly. These stunning photographs are accompanied by the stories behind them, with subjects sharing what led them to feel insecure, covering topics including alopecia, self-harm, and vitiligo.

Speaking to Happiful, Waleed explains that the inspiration behind the project came from personal experience: “It was a combination of me having issues with my body after an injury didn’t allow me to work out, and – a couple of years later – the death of my best friend. That sent my mental state spiralling, so the Rock Your Ugly project was my therapy.”

Highlighting the damage that can be caused by an off-hand comment, and calling for openness, Waleed tells us what he hopes people will take away from reading the book: “The comments you make about people’s behaviour or appearance (even jokingly) can be detrimental to their mental wellbeing.

Know that you’re not alone in whatever you’re feeling; most of us are going through something similar.”

‘Rock Your Ugly: A middle finger to toxic beauty standards’ is available on Amazon.

Writing | Kat Nicholls

ANIMALS

Hero rat settles into well-deserved retirement After saving countless lives, Magawa the rodent is taking a step back When we say ‘hero rat’ you may raise an eyebrow, but after a five-year career – during which Magawa the rat sniffed out 71 landmines in Cambodia – it seems a fitting title for this rodent.

Trained by Belgium-registered charity Apopo, which raises animals to detect landmines, rats like Magawa are light enough to not trigger mines, but can detect a chemical compound used within the explosives. Once they pick up on this scent, they scratch the top to alert their human co-workers.

In his prime, Magawa was capable of searching an area the size of a tennis court in just 20

minutes – something which the charity says would take a human with a metal detector up to four days to do.

Although he has ‘slowed down’ in his old age, Magawa was awarded the PDSA Gold Medal for his lifesaving duty – making him the first rat to be awarded a medal in the charity’s 77-year history.

In a statement, Malen, Magawa’s handler, said: “Magawa’s performance has been unbeaten, and I have been proud to work side-by-side with him. He is small, but he has helped save many lives, allowing us to return much-needed safe land back to

our people as quickly and costeffectively as possible.”

With his duty well and truly served, this is one OAP ready for some R&R in rat-irement.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

WELLBEING

Echolocation helps blind people navigate the world When one of our senses is lost, do the others become heightened? It certainly seems to be the case for a research test group of blind people, who undertook a course on how to tap-in to sound waves to better navigate their environment.

Pioneering research from Durham University has revealed that training in echolocation, a technique favoured by bats and whales which uses sound waves to ‘see’ what’s around them, has proven successful in enhancing the lives of blind people.

But how does it work? People make a ‘click’ sound through their mouths that returns echoes by bouncing off objects in their surroundings. The echoes provide accurate spatial representation, enabling the ‘echolocater’ to navigate confidently and safely.

The research shows that after a 10-week echolocation training programme, 83% of participants said they have more independence and improved overall wellbeing, and all reported improved mobility.

Researchers hope this new information will enhance the possibility of echolocation training before people lose their vision. Currently, this isn’t part of training, as experts believe some are concerned about making the clicking sound in public.

That said, these findings may give hope to thousands who are blind, partially sighted, or who live with progressive degenerative eye conditions, as echolocation has the potential to provide a more inclusive and accessible future.

Writing | Katie Hoare

happiful.com | August 2021 | 9

RELATIONSHIPS

Couples who play together, stay together The key to lasting love could be as easy as child’s play, as a new study published in Social and Personality Psychology Compass has highlighted how playfulness can boost our romantic relationships.

Researchers explored how playfulness in couples links to positive emotions, which set off biological processes that activate ‘feel-good’ hormones. It also influences how the couple communicates – helping them deal with stress and solving interpersonal tension – to boost trust and relationship satisfaction.

“Our literature review, and studies from our lab, show that being playful contributes to most people’s love lives,” said lead author Kay Brauer. “Playful behaviours, such as surprising the partner, retelling and reenacting joint experiences, or jointly forming new experiences, often contribute to the happiness and longevity of relationships.”

While we might initially link playfulness to childhood, this study is an extra nudge to let loose and have fun within the safety of your relationship. A strong foundation of support and acceptance is key, so add in laughter and a bit of silliness, and you have the recipe for a strong, long-lasting relationship.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

happiful.com | August 2021 | 11

Take 5

How did you do? Sea rch 'freebies ' at shop.ha ppiful.co m to find th e answe rs, and mor e!

Get your thinking gears turning with this month’s puzzling fun

Diamond in the rough

1

This is a compact diamond crossword, so use the clues to solve the missing words in the grid. To help you out, each letter that features is noted below, so this can be completed even if you’ve only got a few minutes to spare.

1. Make the most of 2. Test 3. Having determination, nerve 4. 3D shape 5. Bewildered 6. What followed, chaos

2

3

4 5

6

Letters you’ll need: EMMXAISOLFMEEXABUIIEONCMEUDS

Word wheel

Using the letters in the wheel no more than once, make as many words as you can of three or more letters, always using the letter in the centre of the wheel. Want an extra challenge? Set yourself a time limit – 90 seconds, go!

5 = Puzzle protégé 10 = Word wizard 15+ = Challenge champ!

E I

A

F

E L

R

G P

The

wellbeing wrap Richard Hutchinson, the world’s most premature baby, celebrated his 1st birthday in June

Mattel is releasing a new range of Barbie dolls made from recycled ocean-bound plastic

Scotland fans were seen clearing up litter near Leicester Square ahead of the Euros match against England

Nando’s gave customers 50% off in June if they brought a special OAP with them

Survey reveals that BMW drivers are considered ‘the worst’ on roads

Now you’re talking

Virgin Radio has launched a Pride UK station that will run over the summer. Hosts including RuPaul’s Drag Race UK star Tia Kofi, and former editor-in-chief of Attitude, Matt Cain, will discuss topics such as gay adoption, and helping parents understand LGBTQ+ subjects.

The public is calling for a ‘hero’ rail worker to be awarded an MBE, after saving 29 people from taking their own lives. Rizwan Javed completed a Samaritans’ Managing Suicidal Contacts course in 2015, and has since used these skills to help those in crisis.

Can you feel the beat?

The Earth has a ‘pulse’, according to a new study published in Geoscience Frontiers, which claims that there is a ‘heartbeat’ of geological activity every 27.5 million years. Scientists have recognised a pattern of major events, from volcanic eruptions to sea level changes, over the past 260 million years, which seem to fit into this regular rhythm.

I’ll have what she’s having

Apparently, that’s four hours a week - of exercise.

Scientists believe this amount of physical activity could do wonders for a woman’s sex drive, increasing arousal and chances of orgasm. But it’s worth noting that pushing yourself harder won’t necessarily do you any favours, as six or more hours of exercise was detrimental, with a reduction in interest, arousal, and orgasms. Working up a sweat’s never been so fun!

Male students and teachers across Spain are wearing skirts to school in solidarity with a 15-year-old student who was pulled out of class last year, and taken to a psychologist to be questioned about gender identity, for doing the same thing.

Mikel Gómez wore a skirt to challenge gender norms and support women’s rights, with a viral TikTok video about his experience prompting the movement.

Into the wild

In a case for natural rewilding, a new study has found that more than half the trees in two new woodlands, in a nature reserve in Cambridgeshire, were planted by jay birds! Thrushes spread seeds of brambles, which acted as a ‘guard’ for oaks to grow from acorns buried by the jays.

The beautiful game

A Northampton man has been given a Points of Light Award by the Prime Minister, in recognition of his work to support communities by creating football teams for grieving dads. Rob Allen’s daughter Niamh died at 39 weeks in 2017, and to honour her legacy he organised a football match fundraiser in aid of Sands, the leading stillbirth and neonatal death charity in the UK. There are now more than 30 Sands United teams across the UK, bringing together, through a love of sport, those affected by baby loss.

A giant panda has given birth in Japan for the first time in four years. And it’s even better news, because mum Shin Shin had twins!

What’s the buzz?

The boss of dating app Bumble has given all staff across the company (700 worldwide) a full week’s paid holiday in June to focus on switching off. Founder Whitney Wolfe Herd made the decision after recognising the mental impact of the past year, and the ‘collective burnout’ experienced by staff.

What is

revenge bedtime procrastination?

Is something stopping you from getting the sleep you know you need?

Writing | Dr Abigail Pamich

D

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

o you find yourself exhausted each morning, desperately snoozing your alarm until the last minute? And yet, in the evenings, you can’t say no to watching just one more episode, or scrolling through social media once you’ve finally crawled into bed?

Well, you wouldn’t be the only one entering into this punishing cycle.

‘Revenge bedtime procrastination’ is the phenomenon where people stay up later than they should, in an attempt to take back control over the night, because they feel as though they lack control over their days – and I’ve worked with many clients displaying this behaviour. Despite successful time management in other areas of their lives, these clients chose to delay bedtime; staying up much later than they should for no significant reason, and feeling dreadful as a knock-on effect the next day.

Consciously or subconsciously, we perform non-crucial activities, such as scrolling through social media or binge-watching TV dramas, in an attempt to find

14 | August 2021 | happiful.com

some downtime after a busy day.

However, the consequences are significant. Without sufficient sleep, many find they are less than productive the next day, developing a ‘sleep debt’, which can reduce the functioning of the immune system. On top of that, some clients feel angry at themselves for staying up so late unnecessarily.

So, why do people choose to delay bedtime, knowing they are going to feel worse the next day?

Well, there are several reasons, and if you want to stop this habit it’s worth noticing what is driving your own behaviour. Here, we’ll run through the four main causes and, importantly, what you can do to take back control.

1. Short-term focus Some people focus more on the immediate positive gains of a situation, rather than the longerterm consequences – such as having the second dessert when we know we may feel unwell later, or drinking more alcohol

than we should when we know we have an important meeting the next day. The solution?

Notice when you are doing this – become more aware of your own behaviours. Write a list of the short-term benefits (enjoying chilling watching TV until late) versus the long term consequences of this choice (feeling exhausted the next day).

Put this list on the fridge. Next time you want to stay up late, look at the list and make a conscious choice to focus on the longerterm, more rewarding behaviour of getting enough sleep.

2. Painful emotions arising Some people find lying in bed can bring sad thoughts and worries to the surface. Delaying bedtime, and filling your head with movies and Instagram images, can be a form of escape from these painful emotions. The solution?

Again, recognise you are doing this. Ask yourself, “What am I worried about?” Make a list of these worries, and follow up the

wellbeing

1:44 AM

Without sufficient next day with practical ways you can address these concerns – for example, speaking to a friend, family member, or professional.

If you want something positive to occupy your mind as you fall asleep, try a meditation app, or an audiobook instead.

3. Physical lack of tiredness Most people naturally have a melatonin release around 10pm, which makes us feel sleepy. If you’re busy and active during this release, then you are likely to become wide awake again after 10.30pm. The next release is not until around midnight. So, you have to physically push through bedtime, and the consequence is we start to wake up again.

sleep, many find they are less than productive the next day The best thing you can do is to try to wind down with a bedtime routine around 9pm. Make sure you’re in bed around 10pm, so that when the 10pm sleepiness arrives, you are more likely to fall asleep when the melatonin hits.

can be carved out in small microrests during the day. For example, before you pick the children up from school, try to arrive five minutes earlier. Sit in the car and do just a couple of minutes of slow breathing meditation. Or sit in the toilet at work and do slow breathing for two minutes. An interesting approach is suggested by the Aboriginal culture in Australia – their tradition is to stop on the hour, every hour, for one minute, to be still. Try it! It’s only taking 15 minutes out from the whole day, yet it’s creating little micro-pockets of rest, enabling the mind to calm down.

As with most things, the key to changing our behaviour is about tuning-in to what’s going on below the surface, and creating a plan to move forward. And when it comes to revenge bedtime procrastination, sleep easy with the reassurance that with selfknowledge and self-care you can start on a journey to put this habit to bed, for good.

4. Overscheduling Another reason you procrastinate in the evenings could be that you are overscheduled during the day – you need downtime! But taking sleep away to find this downtime is going to eventually cause more problems than benefits. This time

Dr Abigail Pamich is a consultant clinical psychologist.

To find out more, visit counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | August 2021 | 15

6 questions to help realise your aspirations Assess your dreams and unlock your goals Writing | Margaret Walsh

W

e all have potential – abilities that can be developed, and which will lead to success in the future. There is always the possibility to achieve more in our lives, or to live a life in which we feel content.

Are you able to realise your potential? This may seem like a simple question but, often, there is so much taking place outside of our conscious awareness which can limit our thoughts and behaviour. So much so that we can, at times, self-sabotage, or go through life as if the brakes were on – impacting the chances of achieving our hopes and dreams for the future.

My work as a therapist and coach involves listening carefully, asking questions, and making observations from within a strong working alliance. My aim is that a client starts to process and understand their past from a new

16 | August 2021 | happiful.com

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

perspective, and so updates some of the key stored memories that influence their belief system.

Set out below are some simple questions that are designed to help you gain insight into yourself, by prompting you to better understand your future aspirations, as well as what hinders you – to facilitate your potential.

1. What is the essence of you?

Consider what is the core of who you are, your deep value system.

This is not always easy to arrive at in one sitting! Gently hold an image or description of what brings you happiness and makes your heart sing, and see what emerges. Allow space and time to understand what you are naturally drawn towards.

2. What is it that you dream of becoming?

Really think about how you would like to be in the world. If you

followed your passions and interests, then where would they take you? If you were to project who you might want to become in the future, what emerges in front of you?

3. What additional skills and knowledge do you need to achieve your aspirations?

This is a practical step where you can assess the results of questions one and two. See yourself as a learner in life, as this is an essential trait in an ever-changing world. So, if you have a future aspiration, then assess how will you acquire the necessary skills and knowledge.

4. How do you try to escape from your thoughts?

The other side to the coin of understanding your aspirations, is to consider how you might hold yourself back. Is there a critical inner voice that

positive pointers

We all have potential, at every stage of our life, and deserve the opportunity to realise it

stops you from moving forward? Why is this present?

Sometimes we are able to step away from these uncomfortable thoughts, and the feelings that they provoke, and ignore them by distracting ourselves – other times you may choose to work with a professional to help you to gain greater insight.

5. What are the patterns of behaviour in your life that either serve you well, or cause you problems?

There are numerous ways that we can either support our potential, or hinder ourselves.

Supportive behaviour can often take the form of being connected with how we feel, and then responding to these feelings. While the ways we can block our potential include being busy all the time, and never fully engaging with how we are feeling.

6. Does the current way you live your life reflect your aspirations?

By looking back at your responses to questions one and two, consider how the way you are currently living your life supports your dreams. What needs to change?

These questions are really in the form of ideas to stimulate your thinking about what lies beneath the surface of your conscious awareness, so that you develop a deeper level of insight into yourself and your potential.

We all have potential, at every stage of our life, and deserve the opportunity to realise it. Do not hold yourself back!

Margaret Walsh is a therapist and coach, who focuses on increasing self-awareness to realise potential.

Discover more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | August 2021 | 17

18 | August 2021 | happiful.com

the bigger picture

Mindful stargazing

How can we use the night sky to be more present?

Writing | Kat Nichols

W

hen it comes to calming ourselves down and easing anxiety, a tip I share regularly is to go outside and simply look up. When I see the bright blue sky and fluffy white clouds, I’m reminded that I’m a tiny speck on a blue marble in the middle of space. The thoughts that were consuming me, the worries that felt so incredibly important suddenly… aren’t. I get a dose of perspective, and feel much more capable of handling whatever it is I’m going through.

So, when I heard about the concept of mindful stargazing, I immediately understood the appeal. When we look up at the night sky, we feel a sense of awe and, according to Mark Westmoquette, astrophysicist,

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Zen teacher, and author, studies have shown that this very experience of awe can boost our wellbeing.

“It helps us put our own worries into perspective, and increases humility and compassion by reminding us there’s more to life than our own selfish needs,” Mark says.

“The rhythmical nature of the heavens can also bring comfort.

When we look upwards, we see the same patterns of stars as our ancestors, and their ancestors, stretching back to the dawn of time. That consistency and predictability can become our ‘pole star’ in these times of turbulence and change.”

Surrounding ourselves with the dark cloak of night, instead of the artificial blue light from our devices, could also help >>>

happiful.com | August 2021 | 19

If self-help techniques aren’t hitting the spot, and you’re still struggling, don’t hesitate to reach out for support. Our Happiful app has thousands of mental health professionals, as well as listings for free support groups.

reset our circadian rhythms, and encourage deeper, more peaceful sleep, Mark explains.

So, how can we take advantage of the resources outside of our window, and practise mindfulness through stargazing?

Mark’s advice is to start by getting outdoors and sitting or lying down – or, alternatively, open your curtains and look out your window with the lights off, to reap the benefits right from your bedroom.

“Take a moment to make yourself comfortable (with blankets, cushions, a yoga mat, etc.), and arrange your body in such a way that feels balanced, 20 | August 2021 | happiful.com

aligned, and relaxed,” Mark notes.

“Purposefully soften your body – relax your face: forehead, mouth, jaw; relax your hands; relax your breath.

“Notice what you see. Don’t worry if there are clouds around, or the glow of streetlights.

Mindfulness is about noticing things as they are, putting aside any wishes for how you would want things to be. Allow your eyes to be filled with the vista of the night sky.”

Mark notes that when we first go from a lit room into the dark, it can take our eyes up to 15 minutes to fully adjust, so we can use this time to become present in our bodies.

“As your pupils are gradually dilating, take the time to notice your body. How do you feel?

How are you breathing? There’s no right or wrong, should or shouldn’t – just allow yourself to be as you are in this moment.

Mindfulness is about noticing things as they are, putting aside any wishes for how you would want things to be “As your eyes get accustomed to the dark, there’s no need to look around,” Mark adds.

“Just fix your gaze on one part of the sky, and become aware of the whole of your field of vision. Stress tends to make us tunnel-visioned. When we purposefully tune-in to our visual periphery, it sends signals to the body that it’s OK to relax.”

the bigger picture

Look up, this August Head outside to spot some spectacular night sky features this month: The aim with mindful stargazing, Mark says, is to fully immerse yourself in the experience of looking up at the night sky with inquisitiveness and wonder.

“You don’t need to know what star you’re looking at, or which constellation is which, so you don’t need a telescope or a stargazing app. Do what you can to simply immerse yourself in what you’re seeing, and just appreciate the view.

“If thoughts arise about something else – maybe a memory from the past or a thought about what you might do later – just put them to the side. Bring your attention back to your experience of looking up at the night sky.

“Take in the sights, but also the sounds and sensations. Be conscious of your breath, and how your neck feels as you look up. Listen to the sounds of

Perseids meteor shower

Peaking between 12 and 13 August, this beautiful meteor shower should offer up to one meteor a minute for sky watchers to spot.

Jupiter and Saturn opposition

An opposition is when a planet is on the opposite side of the Earth from the sun – this leads them to become brightly illuminated, making them stand

the night. Take the time to be present with your experience, right now.”

Feeling connected to something outside of ourselves can help to ease any feelings of isolation, and give us a greater sense of purpose. When we take in the sights of the night sky, we can feel a part of the cosmos. “We’re not just citizens of our country, or

out in the night sky. Saturn will come to opposition on 2 August, and Jupiter on 19 August, meaning they will be easy to spot amongst the stars.

Blue moon

Sadly, the moon won’t actually be turning blue – a blue moon is simply the third full moon in an astronomical season, which is defined by the time between equinoxes and solstices.

But a full moon is always a fascinating sight to see, and with some luck in the weather, this blue moon on 22 August should be bold and bright.

even planet Earth. We’re citizens of this universe in this moment – in all it’s wonderful, multidimensional beauty.”

Learn more about Mark Westmoquette at markwestmoquette.co.uk, and check out his books, ‘Mindful Thoughts for Stargazers’, ‘Stars’, and ‘The Mindful Universe’. happiful.com | August 2021 | 21

A beginner’s guide to

EFT tapping

Are you curious about tapping? Here, we’ll cover the basics of EFT, and guide you through a routine to reduce anxiety Writing | Becky Wright

I

t’s well-known that positive affirmations can empower us and make us feel good.

But, have you ever said them while tapping on certain points around your body? It might sound unusual, but this is the premise of emotional freedom technique (EFT, also known as tapping), a holistic wellness practice that can help with relaxation and stopping negative thoughts.

Incorporating elements of acupressure, energy medicine, and neuro-linguistic programming, EFT works to release blocked energy in the body. It’s thought that the physical action of tapping calms the nervous system by interrupting our fight-or-flight response, and increasing our endorphins. By saying positive affirmations as we do this, we can stimulate our energy channels and ‘neutralise’ emotional blocks.

“By tapping on the meridian points around the body, we send calming signals to the amygdala, which activates the stress response in the brain,” explains Nicola Bard, a counsellor and EFT practitioner.

22 | August 2021 | happiful.com

“These calming signals begin to reduce the effects of cortisol, which produces the physical symptoms of anxiety. Those signals help the brain to make us feel safe, more in control, and grounded.”

What are EFT’s benefits?

EFT requires little effort in exchange for immediate benefits. And, once you understand the basics, you can use it whenever and wherever.

“Life can be tough, full of uncertainty and worries. But, by tapping regularly, you’ll be in a better position to harness your anxious thoughts, stay grounded, and respond calmly and rationally to whatever comes your way,” says Nicola.

How to get started with EFT Firstly, get familiar with the key tapping points: • • • • • •

Top of the head Eyebrow Side of the eye Under the eye Under the nose Under the mouth/chin

• Collarbone • Under the arm • Side of the hand Typically, you’ll tap each point between five and seven times.

The order doesn’t matter, but going from top to bottom can help you remember each one.

Here, Nicola takes us through a simple tapping routine: “Put one hand on your belly, and the other on your heart centre.

Take a moment to connect with your body, and focus on your breath. Tune-in to any anxious feelings, and notice where in your body you feel that sensation – it might be butterflies in your belly, or tightness in your chest.

“Rate the intensity of that feeling on a scale of 0 to 10 – 0 being nothing at all, and 10 being the worst it’s ever felt. Now we can set our intention to gently challenge these feelings of anxiety.”

Work through the points, reading the affirmations aloud.

You can treat this routine as a template, and alter the affirmations to suit your needs – do whatever works for you.

wellbeing

Tapping point Script Even though I’m holding on to all this anxiety, all this uncertainty and worry, and I feel it in the pit of my stomach and in my chest, I allow and accept these feelings, and I know I’m not alone.

Side of hand

Even though I feel anxious because so many things seem uncertain and out of control right now, I allow and accept these feelings. I honour my body for trying to protect me from danger.

I’m not always going to feel this way, I just feel this way right now. And I set my intention to gently let that go and to begin to relax.

Top of head Eyebrow

All of these anxious thoughts I can feel them in my chest

Side of eye

But I choose to gently challenge my belief that there is danger out there

Under eye

I understand it limits me and keeps me stuck

Under nose

I want my life to return to normal

Under mouth

I choose to take back control

Collarbone

Right here, right now, I know I’m safe

Under arm

And I allow my body to relax

Top of head

I acknowledge how hard things have been

Eyebrow

But I choose to take back control right now

Side of eye

I choose to call on my courage

Under eye

I choose to release all my old fears

Under nose

I’m open to trusting myself and trusting in life

Under mouth

Once you’ve completed this sequence, Nicola invites you to take a moment for reflection.

“Gently stop tapping, take a breath in, and let it go,” she says. “Tune-in to see how you feel. Check-in on that feeling of stress or anxiety, and notice where it is on the scale now.”

Usually, this exercise helps people get an instant sense of relief. So, whether you practise EFT regularly, or keep it in mind for particularly overwhelming moments, tapping can offer a welcome sense of calm.

Right here, right now, I know I’m safe

Collarbone

I choose to feel grounded and calm

Under arm

Right now this is enough, I’ll figure it out as I go along

Top of head

Once more I honour my body for keeping me safe. But I can take it from here, I’m doing well, and I’m proud of myself.

Nicola Bard is an accredited BACP counsellor and a certified and accredited EFT practitioner. Find out more about Nicola and EFT on therapy-directory.org.uk happiful.com | August 2021 | 23

Getting to know

you

Five journaling techniques to tune-in to you

H

Writing | Kat Nicholls

ow well do you really know yourself? Making space to raise selfawareness can help you to find your direction in life, and notice red flags when they come up. Not sure where to start? Try these journaling techniques, and get reacquainted with you.

Start by writing a list of all the words you would use to describe yourself, and then ask a loved one (a partner, friend, or family member) to write a list of the words they would use to describe you. Take a look at both, and notice the similarities and differences. Is there anything here that surprises you?

and journal about why these are important to you. Consider how you can bring them into your life more, too.

If you’ve identified your core values before, remember to checkin with them from time to time. As we grow and change, our values can too – nothing is set in stone.

1. Try the ‘words to describe you’ exercise

2. Identify your core values

Using a visual prompt can help you tap-in to your subconscious, and reveal things about yourself you might not be aware of. There are several ways you can use imagery with journaling, but here are a couple of ideas to start with: • Try using an old photograph of yourself and write about what comes up for you. What are your memories of this time? How would you describe the mood of the photo versus the mood of the moment it was captured?

Sometimes there’s a disconnect between the way we view ourselves and the way others see us. Often, we have a more negative perception of ourselves and fail to see the positives that others do. Bringing the two together can be helpful and uncover qualities about yourself you’ve never considered before, and this is what this exercise can help with.

24 | August 2021 | happiful.com

Our values are the things that are most important to us in life. They can act as signposts, helping us to stay on track and make decisions as we navigate the world. If you’ve never thought about your own personal values before, start by writing a long list of the life principles that mean most to you – such as kindness, creativity, joy, or equality.

Then, try to narrow this list down to your top three values,

3. Write about a photograph

the bigger picture

present-you? Where do you hope they are in their life?

Finally, write a letter to your present self, from your future self. What have you achieved?

What have you learnt about life?

What do you want present-you to know about?

Keep these letters somewhere safe, and open them up from time to time as a reminder.

5. Complete self-awareness sentence stems

Sentence stems give us a starting point when it comes to journaling, and help to direct our practice. Try completing the following sentence stems which focus on self-awareness:

Do you remember what was happening behind the scenes?

• Next, choose an image you’re drawn to in a magazine or online, and write about how it makes you feel. Why were you drawn to this image in particular? What do you like about the image? What don’t you like?

4. Write letters to your past, present, and future selves

Writing letters can be incredibly therapeutic, and when we

address them to ourselves, we create a subtle but helpful sense of distance. This offers a new perspective, which can be enlightening.

Start by writing a letter to your past self, what do you want them to know? Do you need to forgive them? Do they need comfort and reassurance?

Once you’ve done this, try writing to your future self. What hopes do you have for them?

What do they need to know about

• My perfect day would be…

• I feel most like myself when…

• I feel disconnected from myself when…

• I get excited about…

• I worry about...

• If I could make one change in the world it would be…

• Someone who inspires me is… because…

We are wonderfully complex beings, who constantly shift and change over time; this means that our learning never stops.

Experiment with different journaling techniques to find what feels good to you, and keep diving into the beautiful depths of you. happiful.com | August 2021 | 25

G U I L T

T R I P With the help of a hypnotherapist, we explore what drives our feelings of guilt, and discover four techniques to help assuage it Writing | Katie Hoare

W

hile I’m a big fan of exploring, there’s one path I’d rather leave less travelled. Often the longest and hardest route to come back from, I’ve certainly been on my fair share of guilt trips throughout

26 | August 2021 | happiful.com

my life, and it’s a road that can feel incredibly lonely – even stopping me from reaching out for support at times. And when guilt becomes intertwined with a mental health condition, vicious circles can form; your symptoms feed your

guilt, which in turn feeds despair, low-self esteem, frustration, and further low feelings – which can leave you feeling even more guilty.

When you’re in this guilt-ridden place, you might feel like you’re a burden on your family, you’re

the bigger picture

That trusted confidante is there because they support you and care for you, and this burden you feel is most certainly one-sided not ‘ill’ enough to warrant help, or that your situation is not as bad as others – what do you have to complain about? The guilt can make it even more difficult to ask for support when you need it most. So, if you’ve ever reached for the phone and hesitated because you don’t want to call your loved one for help again, this is for you.

Why do we feel guilty?

Guilt can strike at any given time, but usually occurs as a reaction to doing something perceived as ‘wrong’, whether intentionally or accidentally.

Marian Barry, a counsellor and hypnotherapist, emphasises that guilt is actually driven by emotion, not reason, and develops in the unconscious.

“This part of the mind needs guidance as to whether guilt for our behaviour is a reasonable response. If we deliberately hurt

someone, for instance, who has done us no harm, it’s rational (and right) to feel guilty, but mental health is more complex.”

In this case, you might feel guilty because you think you’re inconveniencing your loved one with your own problems. Some mental health conditions, such as depression, can impact our rational ‘reasoning’ part of the brain, which affects the way we behave towards ourselves (often negatively), fuelling further dark moments and feeling guilty for ‘burdening’ others.

So when it comes to feeling guilty about our mental health, Marian suggests that turning inwards to look for the source of this guilt can be helpful.

“If you suffer guilt because of the impact of your symptoms, ask yourself if you are being malicious? Are you intentionally using your symptoms as a weapon to cause pain? The

resulting insight, that we don’t intend to be a burden on those we love, helps remove a significant obstacle to recovery.”

We are conditioned to feel guilt, it is a learned behaviour that is both healthy and needed at times.

But, guilty feelings can become overwhelming – especially when unwarranted. If you are already vulnerable to poor mental health, unchecked irrational guilt can become highly detrimental to your health. This is why it’s so important to become aware of these guilt patterns, and to address them early on.

The comparison trap

Another way guilt can manifest is through falling into comparison traps. We often berate ourselves for feeling like we’re ‘weak’ compared to others who look like they are coping just fine (usually on social media), or for feeling bad when others have >>> happiful.com | August 2021 | 27

difficult life challenges which you perceive as worse than yours.

So, when we consider irrational guilt and mental health, a common reason for finding ourselves in this situation is the ‘What have I got to be depressed about?’ followed by ‘Why do I deserve help?’ scenario. This often occurs with conditions such as depression and anxiety, which don’t need a specific ‘reason’ to arise. While there are of course some conditions triggered by certain challenges or events, in other cases, mental illness can occur regardless of your personal circumstances – and each and every one deserves support.

To help you avoid falling into these comparison traps, the first thing you can do is to start your day right. We’ve all been there, reaching for our phones to check Instagram as soon as the alarm goes off, but it’s so important to remember that what you see on social media is not what you get in real life. Adopt some self-compassion, ‘cleanse’ your feed from accounts that make you feel guilty, and give yourself permission to take a break from social media. Instead, try to focus on the real world, on yourself and your needs, and what you can do to support them.

28 | August 2021 | happiful.com

How to manage feelings of guilt

Guilt can often manifest as overthinking – believing that you’re bothering people if you share what’s concerning you, or thinking that they have enough on their plate without worrying about you as well. You might feel that you’re the moany friend (you’re not), or the one who always talks about themselves.

But the chances are, in reality, that trusted confidante is there because they support you and care for you, and this burden you feel is most certainly one-

sided. So let’s look at four ways to manage guilt.

Grow your support network If you struggle with burden-like feelings, it can be helpful to widen your support network. This could be in the form of support group meetings, joining a Facebook group of like-minded individuals, or creating a list of helplines and listening services to use when you feel like you need to talk. As a starting point, you can find free support group listings on our Happiful app, or visit: happiful.com/where-to-get-help.

the bigger picture

How to practise strength visualisation with hypnotherapist Marian Barry 1. Take a relaxing moment to dig deep into a time when you found a way to do well, despite challenging circumstances. It may be a memory from long ago, or an experience no one knows about.

2. Recall what happened then.

Remind yourself of the awfulness

Hypnotherapy can help guide people out of the despair that irrational guilt causes, using visualisation techniques to rediscover hope Understand that guilty feelings are not factual Calling out your guilt when it arises can help you to disengage with it. The next time you feel the familiar nag of “I’m not worthy of support,” acknowledge it with, “OK, that’s guilt talking.” Then try to replace this message with a positive statement instead: “I am doing the best I can, even though it’s difficult.”

of the experience, and the fear it initially created.

3. Then focus on the traits you utilised (clear thinking, perseverance, determination) to survive this, and find faith in yourself and hope for your future. These traits are your inner strengths.

Share your worries Often, the person you feel guilty for burdening will be shocked to learn you are feeling that way, and will go some way to try to assuage your feelings. In this instance, it can also be helpful to work with a professional hypnotherapist or counsellor to reinforce their assurances, and work on your self-esteem.

Marian explains: “Sessions of hypnotherapy can help guide people out of the despair that irrational guilt causes, using visualisation techniques to rediscover hope.”

with a guilty thought, imagine taking down the ‘sticky note thought’, crossing the guilt out and replacing it with a positive message. Stick that back up to the ‘walls’ of your brain.

While all of us will experience different mental health journeys, it’s a path we should never walk alone. Guilt can isolate you, and have you spinning in emotional circles, which is why it’s vital to acknowledge and address it, and to remember that we all deserve support and help to lead us through the darkest of times. And that includes you, too.

Use meditation or self-hypnosis Marian suggests practising meditation or self-hypnosis techniques to combat episodes of irrational guilt, and to alleviate the associated stress.

A personal favourite of mine is imagining your thoughts as PostIt notes stuck inside the brain.

Each time you are struck down

Marian Barry is a hypnotherapist who specialises in confidence-building through the reduction of anxiety. Visit hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk happiful.com | August 2021 | 29

Got butterflies?

If you’ve got a sunny patch of garden, why not reconnect with nature and help wildlife to thrive by creating your own butterfly garden? It could be a colourful, creative, and calming place for both you and some vibrant insect friends Writing | Rebecca Thair

1. Plant food. Nectar-rich flowers are a source of food for adult butterflies, so providing a variety of options could encourage our winged friends to visit. Try an evergreen shrub like hebe, or buddleja, which blooms over late summer and autumn.

2. Consider the caterpillars. No, we don’t mean Colin or Cuthbert.

Before they become butterflies, caterpillars need plants to eat and lay eggs on too – they’re particularly fond of nettles, holly, ivy, and fuchsias.

3. Throw some shade. Consider if there’s space for some rustic log piles, to provide butterflies with shelter and respite from the elements and predators.

4. Quench that thirst. Digging shallow puddles, or providing a little dish with pebbles and water in, can be an essential drink stop for insects on hot days.

5. Live your wildest dreams. That’s right, butterflies love wildflowers and grasses to allow them to lay their eggs. Common knapweed has beautiful bright violet flowers, which attracts both bees and butterflies such as the common blue, and meadow brown.

30 | August 2021 | happiful.com

Artwork | Becky Johnston

6. Immerse yourself in the moment. If there’s room in your butterfly garden, maybe add a nearby bench, or create your own pallet seat (free ones can be found online and places such as Facebook Marketplace), so you can sit and enjoy the colourful critters all around.

Exploring family estrangement Reuniting with a brother or sister is usually expected to lead to a happy ever after – but what happens when it’s not the fairytale ending you wished for?

Writing | Layla Haidrani

“

Y

ou don’t get to pick your family,” goes the saying.

But while breakups, bereavement, and divorce elicit much-needed sympathy, and an outpouring of support, family estrangement appears to still be taboo.

While the media likes to raise eyebrows over family disagreements and distance with those in the public eye, family estrangement is not all that unusual in the UK. A 2014 survey, for estrangement support charity

Stand Alone, revealed that 27% of respondents knew somebody who was no longer in contact with a family member, with 8% saying they were estranged from a family member themselves.

It’s something I’ve experienced first-hand: I spent years keeping my decades-long estrangement from my older sister a secret.

Since she moved out at 19, bar an occasional face-to-face meeting, our relationship amounted to sporadic WhatsApp conversations, and I longed to rectify that.

It wasn’t always like this thought: in our pre-teen years, my older sister, my twin, and I, were inseparable, having the kind of sibling relationship that mutual friends yearned for and strangers admired, asking if we were triplets.

My twin sister and I were closer than ever in our mid-20s, while my older sister and I talked every so often, I couldn’t shake off a sense of shame that our relationship didn’t resemble those in films or TV. >>> happiful.com | August 2021 | 31

USEFUL LINKS

Stand Alone’s website: standalone.org.uk Relate: relate.org.uk Samaritans: call free on 116 123

I felt as if I was contradicting societal expectations of what normal sibling relationships should be like, despite the reality being that, for many, family relationships can be a struggle.

Linda Blair, a clinical psychologist, agrees that this pressure to have a perfect family stems in part from unrealistic media depictions. “The image we see on social media is that everything is great in families unless there’s some big blow up, and then it’s treated almost as if it’s amusing or used for sensationalist purposes, so it looks like a rarity. So, we assume if everyone is having a perfect family, then we must, too.”

It’s a familiar feeling for those in the same boat; according to a 2015 study, Hidden Voices – Family Estrangement in Adulthood, by the University of Cambridge in collaboration with Stand Alone, 68% of people felt there was stigma around family estrangement, and described feeling judged.

It’s no wonder then, that the study found those who wished their estranged relationships could be different, wanted a relationship that was more emotionally close. After all, reconnecting with an estranged family member is often framed as a joyful experience.

32 | August 2021 | happiful.com

This was something I can relate to. When I was invited to my older sister’s wedding during January 2018, I hoped that this could be the chance for us to reconnect at long last. And for the most part, in the months leading up to her wedding, it was.

I’d assumed that the wedding would continue to strengthen our relationship, and there was no indication that things would go downhill. But what I didn’t bank on was the disappointment that

I would feel over the week-long celebrations. It was clear my sister had built a whole different life, with a new circle of people.

While it’s only natural to feel disappointed if reconnecting is proving harder than it seems – particularly if you have high expectations that the relationship would automatically resume where it was pre-estrangement – Dr Rachel Davies, a senior practice consultant with Relate, says that it’s crucial to be

relationships

aware that there may be more work needed to rebuild the relationship. “Be prepared to listen as much as to talk. You want to convey to them that you genuinely want to be there.” If things get tough, she advises to remember what you love about them, and things you have enjoyed together.

But when we later landed back on home turf in London, relations became re-estranged once again as resentments on either side continued to grow.

My older sister would vent her frustrations at me having ‘left’ her for years, while my anger grew as she stayed stuck in the past, lamenting about my absence, not realising the efforts I was making to reconnect and create new memories.

This situation isn’t entirely unusual. According to Dr Davies, sometimes people need to talk about things that happened in the past in order to feel they can ‘move on’. “If this is you, then let your sibling know. But understand that they may not want or need to do this.”

If you find broaching tough conversations in real life difficult, Linda Blair advises writing them in a letter first, if only to give you time to reflect on what to say.

“When emotions are involved, the childishness in us comes out, and we say things we might often regret,” she says. “Writing an email or letter will give you a chance to carefully craft your thoughts, explaining the situation as best as you can, and giving them time to respond. If they’re open to discussing things, meet

in a public place as you’re more likely to stay calm and rational if you’re around other people.

That way, you have the very best chance of coming to a compromise.”

Once you’ve expressed regret to your sibling, you’ve done all that you can. Continuing to feel guilty just wastes your energy But if a compromise is unlikely, and the relationship appears unsalvageable, or you feel you might actually be in danger, Linda Blair recommends limiting your contact to remote methods.

“Reduce the relationship to formal communications, such as sending birthday and Christmas cards, to maintain some kind of connection, but in between don’t make contact,” she advises.

“If there’s potential for physical or emotional harm, ignore any contact they initiate.”

Dr Davies recommends reducing the amount of contact, or agree to time out, if something difficult has happened. But she advises against all severing: “Dramatic words and gestures may feel cathartic at the time, but can make it more difficult to reconnect if your feelings change over time. It may not feel like this in the heat of the moment but the future is a big place, and you may want contact at some point.”

But what happens when you’re overcome with guilt – whether that’s having not been present earlier on, or because of cutting off communication? When I made the difficult decision to stop meeting my sister face-toface, meaning our relationship resumed talking occasionally via WhatsApp, becoming reestranged proved tougher than the first time, after I’d invested so much in reconnecting.

This guilt can be compounded during birthdays and Christmas holidays, where family is the most important part. But Linda says guilt is a limiting emotion.

“Once you’ve expressed regret to your sibling, you’ve done all that you can. Continuing to feel guilty just wastes your energy,” she says.

Similarly, Dr Davies advises forgiving yourself if you’ve not been as good a sibling as you could have been, so you stop it impacting your relationship now.

“We can’t change past behaviours, but we can try to do the best we can in the future. Putting your energy into this is much healthier than ruminating about the past.”

It’s been a few months since I last spoke to my older sister, and even now I wish reconnecting had gone differently. But I hope in time we can sort things out – and you can, too.

Dr Rachel Davies is a senior practice consultant and counsellor at relationship support service Relate.

Linda Blair is a clinical psychologist and author of ‘Siblings: How to Handle Sibling Rivalry to Create Lifelong, Loving Bonds’. happiful.com | August 2021 | 33

How to manage an overly talkative person Whether it’s a friend who takes up all the room in a conversation, or a co-worker who keeps you late with their monologues, we explore how to kindly deal with an over-talker Writing | Amber Tennant

U

sually, there is a predictable rhythm to the flow of conversation.

One person talks, and then pauses to let someone else speak for a while, often taking turns like players in a game – but if someone doesn’t give you an opportunity to have your turn without being interrupted, it can take up a lot of emotional energy and leave you feeling drained.

34 | August 2021 | happiful.com

BUSY

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Someone’s excessive talking might make it impossible to get any work done, or take away the quiet moments in your day where you finally get the personal space you’ve been craving.

If someone’s nattering reaches a point where it’s regularly wasting your time and hurting your emotional wellbeing, it could be the moment to do something about it. Here are five tips...

1. Set a time limit to the conversation Most people who like to talk a lot will respect your limits if you set a clear expectation with them. You can give yourself more control over your conversations by being upfront about how much time you have from the start, for example by saying: “I have five minutes before my meeting.” If a talker catches you off guard before you’ve set this expectation, or you find yourself being spoken over at inconvenient moments, it’s OK to interrupt and propose another time to talk instead.

This way, you’ll be able to resume the conversation on your own terms.

relationships

2. Make your talker feel heard As chronic talkers usually carry their chatterbox reputation around with them, you might try to shut down the dialogue quickly, or even avoid them altogether out of fear that the conversation will never end.

However, if someone’s excessive talking is coming from a place of natural extroversion, this may have the opposite effect of them talking even more, because they’re not getting a genuine conversation.

So, if you know someone is chatty, once you’ve set a timeframe for your conversation, you should do what you can to make them feel heard – this means really listening to what they have to say. Ask questions, smile, share your ideas and opinions. By being a good listener and genuinely engaging within the scope of your timeline, you’ll show that you actually value them, rather than trying to cut them short. Plus, you’ll feel better about the interaction afterwards.

3. Don’t be afraid to be assertive and enforce boundaries Sometimes, people just can’t take a hint. It can be difficult to let someone know that they’ve overstepped, but if your time is not being respected, you have a right to protect your boundaries, and it’s time to be more assertive.

It doesn’t need to be rude or confrontational if you don’t want it to be.

Next time you find someone talking too much, or you feel

4. Take time away for yourself

Chronic talkers don’t go into conversations with the intent of being annoying, they just love to interact with others and enjoy sharing their experiences uncomfortable, don’t be afraid to redirect the conversation back to the original point, interrupt them, or firmly end the conversation at the next pause. You can simply say: “I’ve enjoyed talking to you, but I need to go now.” Or: “Sorry, but I don’t have time to talk anymore.”

If you’re engaging with someone who is overly talkative, it’s likely they know this, but just struggle to recognise when they’re taking up more time than the other person wants to give. They may appreciate your frankness.

It might be that you have to interact with excessive talkers on a regular basis, for example, if they’re a housemate, friend, or co-worker. In this case, it’s really important that you take some personal space from them if you need to. This could be by doing something relaxing, like meditation or a walk, making time for a hobby or interest that brings you happiness, or spending time with other friends and family.

5. Treat people with kindness It’s important to remember that chronic talkers don’t go into conversations with the intent of being annoying, they just love to interact with others and enjoy sharing their experiences. They could be lonely, or have a lack of social awareness. Whatever the reason may be, treat others with kindness. Be patient, but firm with your boundaries, and you’ll be well on your way to more satisfying conversations.

happiful.com | August 2021 | 35

Life isn’t about f inding yourself. Life is about creating yourself

GEORGE BERNARD SHAW Photography | Vanessa Kintaudi

36 | August 2021 | happiful.com

true story

Back from the brink Financial disasters and family tragedies left Kevin homeless and helpless. But with a determination to rebuild his life, and the generosity of strangers, he is on course towards a brighter future Writing | Kevin

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othing prepares you for becoming homeless. Years ago, growing up in Scotland, I would walk past rough sleepers and feel sorry for them, never imagining for a moment that I could end up in that position. One thing that life has taught me, is that it only takes one unfortunate circumstance to create a ripple effect of misfortune.

Before the financial crisis of 2008, I was running my own successful real estate business.

Life was good – I had a nice car, and owned several houses. However, 2008 was a really tough year for the industry, and my business collapsed. I tried to stay afloat, using loans and credit cards to pay for things, but I was forced to admit defeat. In 2011, I declared myself officially bankrupt. Bailiffs came to take the car first, then eventually my home. I had nothing left.

After the bankruptcy, I struggled to find permanent work. I slept on the floor in my mum’s one-bedroom flat for the best part of a decade. I’d take the odd cash-in-hand job here and there, any driving work, or taxi work, to tide me over. My mum did the best she could for me, but she was a pensioner.

In 2014 I moved to Thailand for a fresh start, although I later realised that I was simply

trying to run away from my problems. I ended up getting a job in a rehab clinic. It took my attention away from all of the material things missing in my life, and in their place, I found a renewed sense of focus and purpose.

As a recovering addict, this experience made me realise that I could pursue a career helping others, and that my destructive past could be used in a positive and productive way.

Supporting others improved my self-esteem, and I started to see light at the end of the tunnel.

After my time in Thailand, I moved back to the UK in 2016 hoping to rebuild my life.

I lived with my mum for a short time before deciding to move to London in search of better opportunities. Sadly, mum passed away shortly after I left. Her death really affected me, and I’m grateful that I didn’t let my past addictions catch up with me. I’d been clean since 2002, and I knew that alcohol could never help me, even if it felt tempting at times. I had a duty to myself to stay strong. Sadly, my two brothers were still battling their own addictions at the time, and I was unable to save them. Both of them passed away 18 months after our mother’s death. My life felt like a game of dominoes, one terrible thing happening after another. >>>

happiful.com | August 2021 | 37

For Kevin, having his daughter felt like a second chance

After losing three members of my family, it seemed right to get away again, so I took a trip to the Philippines. It was there I met my partner, who later fell pregnant – I was so happy. Having my daughter felt like a second chance at life, and it’s given me renewed motivation to find stable work, and a home, so I can bring her and my partner to the UK. Our daughter is named Eileen, after my mother.

In March 2018, I returned to the UK with a renewed sense of purpose. But despite my best efforts, my life was still in a constant state of limbo – yo-yoing between hostels and overcrowded flats, with everything I owned bundled into one bag. I’d put in long days and work hard, but the work was never consistent.

When coronavirus hit the UK, I was working as a tour bus driver. Sadly, I lost my job when the tourism industry collapsed, and I struggled to find anything else. The casual work that I’d been so accustomed to getting no longer existed. Not only that, but the AA meetings that I regularly attended were also suspended due to restrictions. Having that support network was such a crutch for me, and once again, I felt that I was losing control of my future.

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Usually at this point, I would have scrambled together every last penny and gone abroad to try to escape my problems. Except this time, I couldn’t. Coronavirus left me with no choice but to face my fears and problems head on which, in a funny way, was the best thing that could have happened to me. It meant that I finally sought help from my local council and admitted – for the first time in my life – that I was homeless.

I admitted I needed help, and that I could no longer live my life in ‘survival’ mode. I wanted to be the best version of myself for my daughter, so this meant being honest about my situation.

After getting in touch with my local council, I was referred to social enterprise Beam, who said they could help me access training to get me back into work. For so many individuals like me, you have the drive to work, but financial barriers often mean that you stay stuck in an endless cycle of unemployment.

true story

To find out more about Beam, head to beam.org

The last decade has taught me that I can use every negative experience, and every obstacle in my life, to help others who are struggling with the same issues My caseworker at Beam helped me set up a profile on their website last summer. I managed to raise an incredible £4,254, which contributed towards my first month’s rent, transport, and training costs. In total, 234 strangers donated to my campaign, and sent me messages of encouragement. One supporter wrote: “Keep going, you can make it. You’ve got this far… the future is bright!” Another said: “Very proud of you for working to build a better life!” It feels amazing to know that these people, despite not knowing me personally, want the best for me.

Becoming a support worker is my ultimate goal.

I feel at my best when helping others. However,

I’m currently working as a minibus driver for disabled children, which is allowing me to have an income while I continue my training. The last decade has taught me that I can use every negative experience, and every obstacle, to help others who are struggling with the same issues.

For me, I found it difficult to swallow my pride and ask for help. However, there are so many great organisations and people out there that you can turn to, and with their help, and your own hard work, you can get back on track. While nothing can prepare you for being homeless, there is always help if you’re willing to look for it.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Kevin has certainly had his share of challenges.

What’s interesting is that despite it taking the pandemic to truly face his fears, throughout his whole story he’s sought out opportunities – working hard, dealing with addiction, and building relationships. What is striking is that at the time, he felt as though he had to do to all himself. But a real turning point came when he

realised that there is no shame in reaching out. Allowing others to help us on our journey means that we can go on help others, too. It enables us to become stronger, with more insight than ever.

Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach

happiful.com | August 2021 | 39

Wellbeing by the Lakes

– see you there?

After we’ve spent what feels like forever in our homes, the promise of a festival set in 26 acres of stunning Dorset park land, with space to dream, learn and play, sounds like our idea of heaven. That’s why we’re heading to Wellbeing by the Lakes this September, and we’d love you to join us, too!

Writing | Lucy Donoughue

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n your mind’s eye, picture yourself in a serene space filled with silver birches as far as the eye can see, with only the birds as your companions, as you lie on the soft ground between the trees. Take in the blue sky beyond their branches, and feel your lungs fill with the sweet, fresh air as you breathe in deeply...

This is where my imagination takes me as sculpture artist Simon Gudgeon paints a mental picture of Sculpture by the Lakes, a 26-acre nature park he owns and runs with his wife Monique – or Mo as he affectionately calls her. As he introduces me to their home and passion project over Zoom, I hear birdsong outside his studio and the sun appears on the wall behind him, throwing bright light across an elegant portrait of a swan. I feel my shoulders relax and drop as I imagine what he can see from his window.

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I’m hanging on to every word Simon shares about this piece of heaven on earth in Dorset. Even though I’m more than 100 miles away and our conversation is online, I’m happy in the knowledge that soon, I’ll be getting to know the place he speaks so passionately about very well, as Happiful takes up residency in the grounds from 8–12 September as part of the Wellbeing by the Lakes festival.

This wonderful festival began back in 2019 pre-pandemic, event director Nasreen ElMariesh (Naz), joins us to explain. She met Simon while running yoga retreats in the park, mentioned the idea, and just like that – Wellbeing by the Lakes was born.

The inaugural programme was phenomenal, with guided meditations from Gelong Thubten, a spectacular sand mandala creation from the

Tashi Lhunpo Monks, workshops from Richie Bostock, talks from Liz Earle and Healthy Living James, and so much more.

There’s something special about this place. It’s completely restorative Simon and Naz agree the first festival was an emotional experience to witness. “There was a joyfulness about the whole event, as well as a sense of tranquility. It seemed to be a magnet for people who wanted to experience something new, beautiful, and mind-blowing,” she says affectionately.

However, all plans for the future of the festival ground to a crashing halt in March 2020, when the gates to Sculpture

wellbeing

Pip Taverner of Tonic Retreats

by the Lakes were forced to close. Simon spent time filming YouTube tours around the empty grounds, occasionally accompanied by one of his six rescue dogs, so that people would still be able to access the park, even if they couldn’t physically walk around its four lakes, or

take in his stunning sculptures and carefully rewilded areas, including my favourite, the Dreaming Woods.

Fortunately, Sculpture by the Lakes is open once again and celebrating 10 years of being a much-loved, affordable, and adult-only public retreat.

Getting out in nature and taking time to reflect and unwind seems to be more important than ever right now, Simon says, drawing upon his extensive conversations with visitors who’ve flocked to the park since it reopened.

“So many people come here, and as soon as they reach the >>> happiful.com | August 2021 | 41

Happiful at Wellbeing by the Lakes

Happiful in conversation with SUP4Coach

Rachel Bambrough, founder of SUP4, joins Happiful podcast host and stand-up paddle board novice Lucy Donoughue to talk about joyful movement, the therapeutic nature of being out on the water, and why SUP is great for every body.

100 ways to improve your self-worth

end of the drive they say they feel instantly more relaxed,” he says proudly. “There’s something very special about this place. It’s completely restorative.”

There’ll be an abundance of talks about all kinds of things, from the joy of movement, to menopause, men’s mental health, self-acceptance, food and nutrition, how to write a book, and meditation practices. Then, of course, there’ll be Happiful Afternoons each and every day, plus bookable treatments, workshops, yoga, crystal healing, breathwork, gong baths, and sound healing baths.

“We’ll have pop-up events too, like a drumming circle in the woods and tarot card readings in the look-out,” Naz continues, beaming. “There’ll be surprises for people to find when they wander and explore the grounds as well. Then of course, 42 | August 2021 | happiful.com

there are the stunning sculptures and the park itself.”

Naz pauses for a moment and the three of us smile at each other in a happy silence over Zoom. There’s a palpable feeling of excitement on the call, as we contemplate the idea of being out in nature, exploring, appreciating, and sharing special moments with friends and strangers alike. What a wonderful prospect after life in lockdown. I can’t wait.

Wellbeing by the Lakes runs from 8–12 September, and entrance is just £12.50 per day for entry to the park, festival, and talks. Additional experiences are also bookable in advance. To book tickets, visit wellbeingbythelakes.co.uk.

All programme and events are subject to change, and dependent on Covid-19 regulations.

Self-worth educator, ‘Seedling’ podcast host, and Happiful writer Kat Nicholls discusses self-esteem and self-worth, including some of the 100 tips she created to support others and raise money for UK's eating disorder charity BEAT.

The power of physical activity and community

Hannah Beecham, founder of RED January and RED Together, joins us to discuss the positive physical and mental health benefits of this nationwide movement and the long-lasting impact it has, as well as practical thoughts about finding your motivation in tough times.

The importance of being you

Clinical hypnotherapist and pscychotherapist Dominique Shipstone shares why we need to stop hiding ourselves, and how to embrace who we are.

Visit happiful.com/wellbeing-bythe-lakes for more.

Photography | Simon Gudgeon

We’re thrilled to be the media and wellbeing partner of Wellbeing by the Lakes. We’ll be curating and presenting the afternoon programme on the main stage throughout the festival, including:

culture

Happiful reads...

From ways to manage grief to heartwarming stories, we share four books you won’t be able to put down this month Writing | Chelsea Graham

I

t can sometimes feel like the only news we hear is negative and troubling, so the last thing we want is the young people in our lives watching, or reading, too much of the scary stuff.

But, there is another great side that we don’t hear about nearly enough as we should. There are thousands of groundbreaking developments, heartwarming

stories, and incredible events happening around the world every day – we just have to look a little harder for them.

Good News is an illustrated non-fiction book hoping to teach children between the ages of 9 and 11 to think more positively about the world around them, by learning to be fake news detectives. This

empowering and beautifully designed book makes a great gift for a curious young person in your life.

Jane is Trying by Isy Suttie Out now It can often feel like we have to go backwards in life to go forwards, a feeling Jane is very much accustomed to. Having left behind her career, unfaithful fiancé, and moved back in with her parents, Jane is worried that her 30s are flying by, and she isn’t sure what to do next. A story of courage, and the need to progress on your own terms, this novel will move you from tears to laughter.

Perfect Pasta at Home

by Pasta Evangelists Out now Thinking of something to create for dinner every night can become a chore, but one ingredient that most of us have tucked away in the cupboard is pasta.

Packed full of 80 speedy and delicious pasta recipes from across Italy, and some exploration of the different pasta shapes, Perfect Pasta at Home has a recipe suitable for every night of the week.

Good News by Rashmi Sirdeshpande Out now

Must reads The Grief Handbook by Bridget McNulty Out now Grief can affect everyone in different ways, and can be a difficult emotion to process. Bridget McNulty encourages the idea that the best way to understand how we are feeling is to connect with our needs and communicate them to our loved ones. Her interactive handbook provides the tools and exercises to enable anyone to navigate their own grief, and to draw on the support of others to move through their journey.

happiful.com | August 2021 | 43

Interracial: love, life, and lessons

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relationships

Relationship counsellor Bibi Jamieson explores the joys and challenges of being mixed race, and entering into interracial relationships

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here are two moments in my life that capture some of the complexities faced by interracial families. During Black History Month, my daughter (aged seven) learnt about Rosa Parks in school. She asked: “Mama, in the olden days, you would have sat at the back of the bus, and daddy would sit in front, so where would I sit?” Later that week, my son (aged eight) came home from school and said: “Dad, is it true that white people like you caught Black people like mama to be slaves?”

This was the first time I’d heard my children use the words ‘Black’ and ‘white’ when describing people. I felt like their beautiful, childish naivety had been corrupted, a door opened to some of the harsh realities of our world, and though I longed to close this door, wrap them in cotton wool, and live in our bubble of love, we talked it through.

It’s important for parents to build an open and trusting relationship with children that makes it OK for them to ask difficult questions, and to explore thoughts, feelings, and experiences around racism.

This is an ongoing and necessary

conversation for all, but even more so for interracial families, who may have contrasting racial histories, and therefore have different experiences of privilege and discrimination. It is also OK not to have all the answers, but to show willingness and curiosity in exploring how our children feel, to try to see the world from their eyes, and imagine how the world sees them.

When it comes to interracial relationships, as a couples therapist, I believe that all couples are intercultural. This is because each person has experienced different family dynamics, inherited beliefs, and value systems that shape their experiences and approaches to relationships.

However, interracial couples and bi-racial people have added challenges as a result of the world’s attitude to the one thing that is non-negotiable: the colour of their skin. Here, we explore some common experiences.

Feeling forced to explain your identity

In a world where race is a visual identifier, some people try placing you, in an attempt to rank you

in the hierarchy system of their unconscious bias. This can often feel like a relentless interrogation, especially when in a non-diverse, mono-racial space. There may be no harm intended, but being told you look ‘exotic’, or being asked: “Where are you from-from?”, “Are you mixed-race?” can be exhausting. Even having to choose what kind of ‘mix’ you are when filling out forms – I mean, what exactly does ‘mixed other’ mean?

It is also OK not to have all the answers, but to show willingness and curiosity in exploring how our children feel This can make you feel alienated and scrutinised which, over time, may negatively impact self-identity and erode self-esteem. Boundaries are necessary, and it is important to remember that you don’t have to satisfy people’s curiosity if it makes you uncomfortable. I find that a polite way to say mind your own business is: “This feels really important to you, why is that?” >>> happiful.com | August 2021 | 45

Remember, you get to define yourself. You can decide when, how, and to whom, you choose to respond, and how much detail you give.

The space in between

In white spaces, you might be considered an ethnic minority, and with ethnic minorities you may be seen as white.

This shouldn’t matter, but as highlighted, inequality exists due to social conditioning and hidden racial bias. This sometimes creates a need for bi-racial people to prove their worthiness in order to feel included in different ethnic cultures – especially when they are misidentified as white.

Shadism also comes into play here, and therefore a lighterskinned bi-racial person may be given privilege and preferential treatment over their darkerskinned friends and family. This can create division and tension around race conversations.

At the height of the BLM movement, I noticed bi-racial people being challenged, and made to feel they had lost their right to speak up about racial injustice with comments like: “It’s easier for light-skinned people,” “You could pass for white,” or “You’re not really black though.”

Speak up if you can, and if you find this tedious, or scary, please share your experiences in a safe space that accepts all of you.

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You could feel stuck in the middle, or conflicted in your sense of identity, however it’s important to remember that any space that silences your lived reality, or that makes you feel intimidated or rejected based on your skin colour, is not good for your mental health. I can’t emphasise enough how empowering it is to find supportive communities and allies. There is strength in numbers, and while not all experiences are the same, you feel less alone by hearing and learning from other’s stories. Therapy with a culturally competent counsellor is another great space to vent and explore these issues.

Navigating romantic relationships

For those of us who fall in love with people from another race, it is important to have these difficult conversations – they may be uncomfortable, but they are necessary. How will you support each other in the face of microaggressions and unfair privileges? What do you need to learn about each other’s heritage?

How diverse is the neighbourhood you want to live in?

Couples therapy is a great way to highlight and explore these issues.

For example, I noticed that some interracial couples got closer due to the BLM movement, while others were torn apart. To truly

feel loved, one has to feel seen and heard, and unconditionally accepted, which means a partner, family member, or friend who is unwilling to try to explore their unconscious bias because they’re ‘not racist’ can make you feel invisible and not truly loved.

Different experiences of privilege and discrimination

You might notice that your loved one gets treated differently than you. Some get special treatment and others are disregarded, disrespected, or shown outright racism. Being bi-racial, your mono-racial parents may never have experienced some of the racial prejudices you encounter – my white husband is never followed around a store by security guards, but I do in the same stores.

Another aspect of this is people may feel they don’t need to address their own relationship with racism and white privilege, because they have a non-white family member.

However, this leaves a grey area – while there is no overt rejection, ignoring these issues can leave one feeling not truly seen and heard.

Just look at the backlash Prince Harry and Meghan Markle face for speaking about their different experiences around race. As a family, it is important to share experiences, acknowledge privilege, and stand up for one another where there is prejudice.

relationships

You don’t have to pick a side, you don’t have to identify with one more than the other

These are difficult yet necessary conversations, and if you find your reality dismissed or ridiculed, it might be necessary to create some distance, and find other communities that can offer an empathic, supportive space.

Sometimes it feels easier to shrink down for an easier life, to fit in and tolerate uncomfortable situations, but I say to you: embrace everything you want about both your cultures, celebrate your skin, your hair, your ability

to see the world from more than one perspective. You don’t have to pick a side, you don’t have to identify with one more than the other. Your self-identity can be of your own choosing, and can be fluid and change as you wish. Being bi-racial defies the ridiculous racial prejudices that exist, and that is worth celebrating.

Our history of the oppressed and the oppressor, the colonised and coloniser, the story of Black

and white, is horrific – but my story ends in love. We are our own tribe, blurring lines to enjoy the best of Nigerian and British culture, and other cultures, too.

We have boundaries because we won’t tolerate spaces that make us uncomfortable. There are moments that make my heart smile, like seeing my white husband spending hours taking braids out of my daughter’s afro hair, and the confusion on people’s faces when one child identifies as Nigerian and the other as British. They selfidentify, blend in and stand out as they please, sometimes they are Black, sometimes mixed, sometimes Scottish, sometimes Nigerian – and, most times, they just call themselves golden.

Bibi Jamieson is an integrative psychotherapeutic counsellor, couples therapist, and motherdaughter coach. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | August 2021 | 47

Questions to ask your counsellor before you begin working with them Make sure you’re on the same page, and get the most out of counselling with these four key questions

B

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Illustrating | Rosan Magar

eginning counselling for the first time can be daunting enough – but add ‘fear of the unknown’ into the mix, and that’s another worry to add to your mental load.

With that in mind, it’s really beneficial to take some time

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at the start of your counselling journey to ask questions, and familiarise yourself with the commitment ahead of you. This could be in an initial enquiry email, over the phone, or in your first session where you discuss your needs and expectations.

To help you get started, here, with the help of cognitive behavioural psychotherapist Nishat Ahmed, we explore four important questions to ask a counsellor before you get started working with them, to make the most of your sessions.

positive pointers

1. What will my sessions look like?

“It’s important to find out which type of therapy your counsellor practices, as well as what to expect from the structure of your sessions,” says Nishat.

“For any type of psychological therapy or counselling to be beneficial, you need to be able to engage with the process – and you will only engage in the process if you buy into it, and have reasonable faith in the principles to give it a good go. For this reason, it’s good to get a basic understanding of the practice, and what the 50 minutes to an hour will look like, to see if it fits with what you are looking for.”

Do some research beforehand to get an idea of the different types of counselling available – for example, psychodynamic psychotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), cognitive analytical therapy (CAT), humanistic therapies, and interpersonal psychotherapy – and don’t be afraid to ask the counsellor for more specific information if you’re not entirely sure what a session may entail.

2. Have you worked with similar issues in the past?

It’s always reassuring to know that there are others out there who have experienced similar things to you, and when it comes to connecting with a counsellor, knowing that they’ve explored this area with clients before can give you another layer of confidence.

“I’m sure most counsellors and therapists you come across will

be fully qualified in the type of therapy they are offering,” says Nishat. “Nonetheless, certain counsellors will have experience with some problems and not with others. For you to feel comfortable and confident in your counsellor, check-in on their prior experiences of working with similar difficulties. It might give you an idea as to how realistic it is to achieve your goals.”

Your counsellor’s main job is to help you get closer to your goals, and reduce your psychological distress 3. What will you expect from me as a client?

“A lot of people don’t realise that coming for therapy is a big commitment,” Nishat explains.

“Your counsellor’s main job is to help you get closer to your goals, and reduce your psychological distress. But we can’t do it alone.

“Therapy needs to be collaborative and, with that being said, certain types of therapy may require you to do ‘homework’ outside of sessions, bring items for the session’s agenda, or simply to have the willingness to open up. Find out what level of commitment is required of you to reap the most benefits.”

Nishat also recommends asking about how much you will be in contact – how often will your sessions be, can you email them outside of sessions, or pick up additional sessions if you feel you need them?

4. What’s your cancellation policy?

“Things come up in life which may require you to cancel a session, so ask how your counsellor will deal with late cancellations or no shows, so you are aware of the commitment you are making,” Nishat says. “Every counsellor will need some ways to address cancellations to ensure a reduced waiting time for others, so don’t be surprised if you get charged for missing a session if you haven’t given notice.”

Some counsellors may also require notice for ending their services, and while this can seem like a very distant problem when you’re just starting out, having an informed understanding of what your entire counselling journey will look like will set you off on the right foot, and help you to embark on the process with confidence.

Nishat Ahmed is a cognitive behavioural psychotherapist working across London in the NHS and private practice. Find out more and connect with a counsellor using counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | August 2021 | 49

Forward-thinking 12 sustainable products worth investing in Writing | Rebecca Thair

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here is a myriad of highquality, eco-friendly items that make life easier, while doing good. So, we’ve gathered together a list of our top 12 essentials for everyday life, that can both help save the planet, and save you money in the long run...

DOG POO BAGS We’re a nation that loves our pets, especially with the amount we clear up after them – and one way you can clear your conscience as well as the dog mess is by switching to biodegradable poo bags. Even Pets at Home have their own version.

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SHOPPING BAG In July 2020, it was reported that sales of single-use plastic bags in UK supermarkets dropped by 95% since the 5p charge was introduced in 2015! This is great news, and means a sturdy shopper is always good to have to hand.

CLEANING CLOTHS Some products are so ingrained in our daily lives, we probably haven’t even noticed how much we use them – and therefore how much waste they create.

Paper kitchen towels might be helpful for spills and cleaning up, but having a microfibre alternative is much better for the environment – and does the job just as well!

MAKEUP REMOVER PADS Rather than using throwaway wipes, treat yourself to some reusable cloth makeup remover pads. There are plenty of options on etsy.com so you can support smaller businesses, too.

Images: Drinking Straw | wearthlondon.com, Bottle | onegreenbottle.com,Biodegradable dog poo bags | petsathome.com

WATER BOTTLE The easiest way to make sure you’re getting your two litres a day is to have a handy bottle by your side wherever possible – and with an estimated 7.7 billion plastic bottles used in the UK each year, a refillable option is a must-have. We love the range on onegreenbottle.com, which commits to recovering 25 single-use plastic bottles from the ocean for every one of its reusable bottles that’s sold.

STRAW Whether you prefer to drink from one, or have sensitive teeth, having your own personal reusable drinking straw can be both handy and help you divert plastics from the ocean. The slogan on the Shlurple Collapsible Drinking Straw had us sold – “Buy a Shlurple, save a turtle.” (Available on wearthlondon.com)

Images: Toilet paper | bumboo.eco, Shampoo bars | kohabeauty.co.uk, Silicone lids | greenislandco.com, Nappies | closeparent.com, Dryer balls | ecoegg.com, Washing bags | en.guppyfriend.com

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TREE-FREE TOILET PAPER We all have to go, so why not make being ecofriendly your number one priority? With a reported 27,000 trees cut down every day to make loo roll, tree-free alternatives could make a big difference – try Bumboo, made from 100% rapidly renewable bamboo and plastic-free packaging. (bumboo.eco)

SHAMPOO BARS Decluttering your bathroom can be good for the planet, if you make the switch from regular shampoo to a plastic-free bar alternative. These products often come in either recyclable or ‘naked’ packaging, and tend to last much longer than the liquid forms. How about trying the KOHA Beauty Shampoo Bar next time you need a wash and blow dry? (kohabeauty.co.uk)

GUPPYFRIEND WASHING BAGS A serious eco-hazard is the amount of microplastics entering our oceans – these are tiny fibres that come from synthetic materials, get consumed by aquatic creatures, and result in issues from infections, to gastrointestinal blockages, to starvation. And, these plastic pollutants can also do harm to humans, having entered the food chain.

One solid solution, with science to back it up, is a Guppyfriend Washing Bag. This protects clothes while in the washing machine, meaning less breakage, but those fibres that do come off are captured in the bag, ready for you to dispose of safely away from the water system. (en.guppyfriend.com)

SILICONE STRETCH LIDS Rather than forking out a fortune on Tupperware that always seems to go missing, why not buy some silicone stretch lids, like the ones from Green Island (who plant a tree for every order over £10). This way you can save leftovers, save on washing up by using the bowls you’ve served up in, and save from using foil covers or plastic containers. Winner winner, chicken dinner.

DRYER BALLS Popping one of these in your tumble dryer helps to soak up excess water, meaning you can save time and energy during the drying cycle – reportedly up to 25%. Plus, they help to keep your clothes softer for longer, and help to separate items in your machines.

There are many natural wool options available (including the Smart Sheep Wool Dryer Balls available on Amazon), as well as vegan alternatives (such as the ecoegg Dryer Egg at ecoegg.com).

CLOTH NAPPIES This may seem like a throwback, but modern-day cloth nappies are anything but old school. With recycling charity Wrap estimating that 3 billion nappies end up in landfill each year in the UK, making the switch to a reusable alternative could really help flush out waste. With a range of options offering appealing designs, these nappies can help take you from newborn to potty training, with a comfortable fit, adjustable absorbency, and no leakages – why not try the award-winning Pop-in reusable nappy on closeparent.com? happiful.com | August 2021 | 51

Ask the experts: phobias Hypnotherapist, psychotherapist, and coach Anne Millne-Riley answers your questions on phobias Read more about Anne Millne-Riley on hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk

Q

I feel like my phobia has got worse during the pandemic, is there a reason for this?

A

You are not alone! We have spent many months isolated from families, friends, and normal life, and a lot of us

Q A

How does hypnotherapy for phobias help?

Phobias can originate from events in the long distant past, the roots of which are stored in your subconscious mind. Hypnotherapy allows

have developed a controlled environment where we feel less vulnerable to Covid-19. We have created coping strategies to help us to feel more in control, and the isolation has often resulted in being able to avoid the things that frighten us.

Avoidance increases the potency of phobias. This is because the challenges we routinely faced in

the outside world prior to the pandemic helped to build our resilience to overcome the things we fear. The loosening of restrictions and a return to some ‘normality’ may be bringing people back into situations where they must once again confront their fears, creating feelings of vulnerability.

the practitioner to relax the client, and we are then able to work with the subconscious to reprogramme thoughts.

Most clients understand how irrational their phobias might appear, but travelling back through memories to understand how the phobia began can help us to normalise feelings. The

suggestions put to the client during a trance state can help them accept their situation, focus on a more rational approach, and help them let go of the fear.

Your hypnotherapist can suggest more positive outcomes, or help you to rehearse psychologically, managing your phobias without the fear.

Hypnotherapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

positive pointers

Q

I have a needle phobia, and I’m scared of getting vaccinated. Can you share any techniques to help me cope?

A

Top tips for those struggling with phobias: 1. Understand that phobias are common, and can be fixed.

Millions of people experience phobic reactions to things, but the great news is that you can change these fears and reactions.

2. If you feel able, try some immersion therapy. I had a client who feared frogs and, over time, tackled her fear by looking at photos of frogs, then some video footage, and finally

the real thing. She was able to accustom herself to how they looked and moved, while controlling her breathing and gradually overcoming her fear.

3. Help is out there. If you feel it is time to tackle your phobia, see a hypnotherapist who can work with you to overcome your fears. Phobias can be easily addressed through hypnotherapy in a surprisingly short time!

Try to focus on the reason you are getting vaccinated – to keep yourself and those you love safe. Arrive early and spend a little time slowing your breathing down. Let your arms and shoulders feel limp, and breathe in slow, elongated breaths. When your breathing slows, your heart rate drops, leaving you feeling calmer.

Once you feel a little more relaxed, begin to queue and, when it’s your turn, sit down slowly, and again let any tightness or tension leave your arms and shoulders. Continue to breathe slowly, look away from the arm that is being vaccinated, and continue to work on your breathing. Then afterwards, congratulate yourself!

happiful.com | August 2021 | 53

What does it mean to be non-binary?

Exploring the term ‘non-binary’, and how to be a better ally Writing | Katie Conibear

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lot of people have been brought up in a society with limited definitions of gender, primarily only male and female.

But for those for whom these gender stereotypes don’t feel like the right fit, it can be an isolating and uncomfortable experience trying to understand your own identity.

‘Non-binary’ is an umbrella term that is often used to describe those who feel their gender identity can’t be defined within the margins of gender binary – solely as a man or a woman. Instead, they understand their gender in a way that goes beyond identifying as either male or female. It’s not about feeling more connected to the opposite gender you were assigned at birth (as is true of transgender

54 | August 2021 | happiful.com

people), but feeling somewhere in between, or even completely outside the gender spectrum. A way of looking at it is this: I don’t want to be a woman, but I don’t want to be a man either. I just want to be ‘me’. Often people will identify as non-binary when they feel constricted by what they experience to be rigid gender norms.

WHY DO PEOPLE IDENTIFY WITH BEING NON-BINARY? The term non-binary has such a broad definition, because it means different things to different people. There is no one specific way to act or look nonbinary. Often people conjure up the idea of the androgynous appearance, but aesthetics aren’t important here – you can have long or short hair, wear

a dress or wear dungarees, and still identify as non-binary. Just as men and women express themselves with their style and how they present themselves, so do non-binary people.

From my own experience, I’ve never been comfortable as female, and don’t see myself as male – so I guess I’m somewhere in between. I’m still figuring some of it out. Growing up, I refused to be what people called ‘girly’ and I was labelled a ‘tomboy’. As I reached puberty, I had this deep dread of having breasts and becoming curvy, but I didn’t want to be male. I didn’t want to be either, I just wanted to be Katie. I’d often cry about it.

As a teenager in the late 90s and early millennium, there was no visible word in my world for how I felt. All I knew was that I felt

the bigger picture

uncomfortable and uneasy about the label I’d been given, and about the pressure to conform to ideals around femininity. I felt insecure in my body, and my self-esteem was at rock bottom for most of my 20s. I didn’t understand why I felt the way I did, and thought maybe it was just due to my weight fluctuating.

But it went deeper than that. It was about identity.

I’ve realised in the past few years that most of my issues around self-esteem have been because I’ve never really understood myself, or how to identify. The realisation that I’m non-binary, and explaining it to my partner, has lifted many of my insecurities. I’m more confident now than I’ve ever been.

Knowing other people identify in a similar way is huge for me, and means I don’t feel alone in this anymore.

CLARIFYING MISCONCEPTIONS AROUND BEING NON-BINARY 1. It’s important to understand the distinction between being non-binary and transgender – they are not the same thing.

Someone who is transgender identifies with a gender other than the one they were assigned at birth. Some non-binary people do feel this definition applies to them, but others don’t. As being non-binary is such a different experience for everyone, some people feel completely comfortable in their bodies, whereas others will struggle. >>> happiful.com | August 2021 | 55

Being non-binary is about celebrating what makes you unique, away from the social constructs that you grew up with. It’s your own identity that you can carve out for yourself 2. The idea of being non-binary is not a new invention. It’s often misunderstood as a new ‘trend’, or even just a ‘phase’ or ‘personality trait’, when it is in fact an identity that has existed for thousands of years in various cultures around the world.

3. Being non-binary does not mean a person has to be 50% feminine, 50% masculine. Non-binary people all have their own percentages they relate to masculine and feminine traits. As with men and women, those degrees may even change throughout their lives, while others don’t identify with masculinity or femininity at all. These traits in themselves can mean completely different things in different cultures, or even vary from person to person, and so the key thing to appreciate is that there is no right or wrong way to be ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’.

4. Being non-binary is about celebrating what makes you unique, away from the social constructs that you grew up with. It’s an inclusive 56 | August 2021 | happiful.com

the bigger picture

term that welcomes exploration of what that really means to you.

It’s your own identity that you can carve out for yourself.

RESPECTING PRONOUNS Non-binary people can have a variety of pronouns. Some go by they/them, others go by she/her, he/him, or by a combination.

The only way you can know is to ask. Some non-binary people will go by any pronoun, while others have a strong preference and may feel hurt or unacknowledged when this is used incorrectly. If you’re unsure which pronoun a person uses, listen first to the pronoun other people use when referring to them. If you’re still unsure and need to ask directly, you could approach the question up front by giving your own pronouns: “Hi, I’m Katie and I use the pronouns she and they.

What about you?”

If you accidentally use the wrong pronoun for a person, the best thing to do is to apologise quickly and sincerely, and then move on. If you make it into a big deal, the more uncomfortable it will be for everyone involved.

Another point to consider is that if you’re in a group setting, chairing a meeting, workshop or class, it can be helpful to include pronouns at the beginning with your usual introductions, to ensure people feel included and comfortable: “Before we begin, we’d like to go around and share our names and personal pronouns. For those who haven’t done this before, this is a way that we can avoid assumptions, particularly about gender.”

One thing to note is that you should never force someone into sharing their pronouns. You don’t know their personal history, and they may be struggling with how they feel about gender.

So keep the conversation open and welcoming, but ensure you respect and observe others’ boundaries.

As a teenager, there was no visible word for how I felt.

All I knew was that I felt uneasy about the label I’d been given, and about the pressure to conform to ideals around femininity HOW TO BE AN ALLY TO NON-BINARY PEOPLE

• Get into the habit of introducing yourself with your name and pronoun.

Reduce stigma by normalising this conversation.

• Instead of referring to

someone as a ‘husband’ ‘wife’ ‘sister’, ‘brother’, try using words that focus just on the relationship, such as, ‘partner’, ‘parent’, or ‘sibling’.

• Use people’s correct pronouns. One you may see often is they/them/theirs.

• Is your workplace, school or university using inclusive language? This would include using ‘they’ instead of ‘he/ she’ and making sure to not imply there are only two genders. If you feel this could be improved, it’s something you could suggest to your HR department to revisit.

• When highlighting LGBTQ+ people in events, make sure to include non-binary people.

• Put your pronouns in your email signature and social media profile. This helps to normalise the concept of sharing personal pronouns.

• Ensure you use inclusive language in group settings.

Often in groups, we tend to use binary language such as, ‘ladies and gentleman’. Non-binary options are: “Hi everyone,” “Hi folks,” “Hey pals.”

Katie Conibear is a writer who blogs at stumblingmind.com. Her first book, ‘Living at the Speed of Light’, about bipolar disorder, is out now. happiful.com | August 2021 | 57

HAPPIFUL TOP 10

August

From challenging loved ones with outdoor activities, to learning how best to balance life’s demands, we share 10 things to do this August

3

Running clubs

Joining a running club can be a great way to meet like-minded people, and get out in the fresh air. You don’t need to be a professional runner to join a group, and it can act as a great way to combine exercise and a good chat. There are groups that aim to compete, and those who prefer to take things slowly on scenic routes, so you can find one that suits your needs – why not take a friend along, too?

1

PAGE-TURNERS Joe’s Family Food The nation’s favourite PE teacher is also a bestselling author, and is back with a brand new cookbook full of simple recipes for busy family life. As a dad himself, Joe is familiar with the dinner-time rush when you have children, and has created 100 meals that are easy to prepare with little ones running around, but will have them eating their veggies, too! (Out now, Bluebird, £20.00)

2

PUT ON A SHOW

4

LEND US YOUR EARS ‘Your Broccoli Weekly’

Keeping up with the news can be a hobby in itself, alongside all of the other demands of life. ‘Your Broccoli Weekly’ aims to get you up to speed with a summary of the top three stories each week. In each episode, host and journalist Diyora Shadijanova is joined by two guests to discuss and dissect the news in a short 30-minute burst!

(Listen to the podcast on iTunes and Spotify)

OUT AND ABOUT Aqua parks

As the heat of the sun continues to rise and we move into the height of summer, aqua parks can make for a wonderful way to cool down. Situated all around the UK, these inflatable courses are fun for the whole family, including water slides, splash pads, and lazy rivers for those in need of a few moments of calm water. (Search ‘aqua parks’ to find a location near you)

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5

PLUGGED-IN Casey Rose Frank

As a bookshop owner and avid reader, Casey’s account makes wonderful book recommendations for every mood. Whether you’re on the hunt for a thriller, or want something a little more uplifting, Casey’s account will have you looking no further for your next read! (Follow @caseyrosereads on Instagram)

culture

6

TECH TIP-OFFS What3words

What3words is an easy way to explain to someone else your exact location. Used in emergency situations to direct a first responder to your exact location, or to tell breakdown recovery exactly where you’re stuck, this system has saved many lives.

Completely free, it is a brilliant app to download and keep on your phone for an unexpected time of need!

(Download from the App Store or Google Play)

7

9

Bake Off: The Professionals

Bake Off: The Professionals is back! Although not held in the famous tent, this renowned version of the show sees professional pastry chefs work in teams to impress industry critics with their complex and utterly delicious creations. With just as many baking mishaps as the original, this series is not to be missed! (Available on All4)

CandleSpa Lavender and Black Pepper Candle | candlespa.biz

National Dog Day

Dogs can give us a lifetime of love and fun, so of course they deserve to be recognised! This celebratory day inspires owners to give their dogs an extra treat, while those who are not yet accompanied by a furry friend are encouraged to donate food and blankets to a local shelter, or consider adoption.

(26 August, visit nationaldogday.com to learn more)

SQUARE EYES

8

THE CONVERSATION

10

GET GOING Mini golf

What better way to challenge your friends or loved ones than to see how well they can navigate a swinging dragon head, or focus their aim enough to pass through a dog’s mouth?

With hundreds of courses to try across the UK, there will be a chance for everyone to get a hole in one! (Search ‘mini golf’ to find a location near you)

TREAT YOURSELF

CandleSpa Lavender and Black Pepper Candle and Reed Diffuser Lavender can be a really effective way to calm the senses after a busy day, and what better way to fill a room with the scent than lighting a candle or placing a reed diffuser near your favourite evening spot. CandleSpa’s Lavender and Black Pepper Candle and Reed Diffuser make the perfect pair for a tranquil scent with a little fiery extra. (candlespa.biz)

WIN!

Win a CandleSpa Lavender and Black Pepper Candle and Reed Diffuser For your chance to win the candle and diffuser, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com What is typically added to the top of a birthday cake for the recipient to blow out? a) Bows

b) Candles

c) Ribbons

*Competition closes 19 August 2021. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!

happiful.com | August 2021 | 59

Mocktail masterclass A fancy way to enjoy good health, it’s time to whip up a mouthwatering mocktail and raise a glass with these three summer recipes Writing | VJ Hamilton

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ealthy, delicious mocktails served in eye-catching stemware are just as glamorous as their alcohol-containing sidekicks.

And here’s the thing, you can still enjoy the pleasant experience of sipping on a colourful and complexly flavoursome mocktail, with the health benefits of the added wholesome ingredients.

These three mocktails contain an assortment of different health benefits, dependent on your health goals. Packed with a nutrient-dense and healthful promoting punch, which liquid refreshment sparks your fancy?

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Summer Berry Sparkle Serves 2 Ingredients • A handful of strawberries • 1 freshly squeezed lemon’s juice • 2 cups of sparkling water Method 1. Blend the strawberries to a frothy consistency.

2. Combine with the rest of the ingredients in a jug and stir together.

3. Add to a chilled glass and enjoy!

feel-good food Gut-nourishing Piña Colada

Find nutritio a n our Hap ist on piful app

Serves 2 Ingredients • ½ cup of crushed ice • 2 slices of fresh pineapple • A handful of raspberries • 150ml coconut kefir • 50ml coconut cream Method 1. Put the ice, pineapple, raspberries, kefir, and coconut cream in a blender.

2. Blend until all the ice is crushed, and the drink is frothy.

3. Pour the mixture into large glasses, and garnish with a fancy (paper!) straw and pineapple slice.

Spicy Virgin Mojito Serves 2 Ingredients • 1 handful of fresh mint leaves • ½ tsp of cayenne pepper • ½ cup of seedless tamarind • ½ tsp pink Himalayan salt • 1 tbsp lime juice • ½ tsp of cumin powder • 2 cups of sparkling water Method 1. Chop and then grind the mint in a pestle and mortar. Sprinkle in the cayenne pepper.

2. Soak the tamarind in 1 cup of water for 15 minutes.

3. Take out the pulp from the tamarind, and mix in the crushed mint leaves.

4. Strain the mixture through a sieve.

5. Add in the salt, lime juice, and cumin powder.

6. Pour into two glasses over ice, and top with sparkling water.

The healthy bit Summer Berry Sparkle This mocktail is the perfect way to stay hydrated, with the added kick of antioxidants and nutrients from the strawberries and lemon. Both fruits are high in vitamin C and potassium, so as well as fending off free radicals, potassium also supports brain and nerve function.

Plus, lemons are alkalising, which puts your body pH in a better position to ward off pathogens and the build up of unhelpful bacteria and candida.

Gut-nourishing Piña Colada Pineapple is rich in bromelain, which is anti-inflamatory, and contains a mix of enzymes that may support digestion and gut health. The fibre and water content in raspberries can help with constipation by aiding the process that pushes food along the digestive tract.

Spicy Virgin Mojito Adding spice to any mocktail provides an extra zing of nutrients.

Cayenne pepper is known for its potential metabolism-boosting properties through ‘diet-induced thermogenesis’, with studies showing it may help reduce hunger.

Tamarind has anti-inflammatory properties, plus cumin may help regulate blood sugar, to provide sustained energy, so you are less likely to crave sugary foods.

After 25 years of suffering from multiple autoimmune conditions, VJ Hamilton studied immunology and is now a nutritional therapist and autoimmune disease expert. happiful.com | August 2021 | 61

The power of the elements Take inspiration from earth, wind, fire, and water to discover the science-backed ways they can improve your mood, and boost your wellbeing Writing | Rosalind Ryan

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ying on a beach, strolling through woods, enjoying a blustery walk, or snuggling up in front of a roaring fire – these activities can instantly make us feel better. But have you ever stopped to wonder why? Or what you can do to recreate those feelings?

A growing body of research is slowly revealing the wellbeing secrets of the four elements – now you can harness their power.

Find out how earth, air, fire, and water can give your health and happiness a boost.

Earth

When we talk about earth, we don’t just mean soil – although any toddler will tell you making mud pies is a mood-booster!

Earth refers to spending time in nature, enjoying green spaces, or 62 | August 2021 | happiful.com

exercising outdoors. And there’s plenty of evidence to show this element is vital for our health.

It’s known to reduce stress, raise self-esteem, lower blood pressure, tackle depression, prevent negative thoughts, boost our immune system, and even push us to exercise harder than we would do in a gym.

Dr Lafina Diamandis, a GP specialising in lifestyle medicine (deiahealth.com), believes our environment has a huge impact on our behaviour and happiness levels. She says: “There are so many benefits to being outside, from the sunlight we need to produce vitamin D, to fractals [geometric patterns only found in nature] that have been shown to relieve stress, support sleep, aid digestion, and boost wellbeing.”

the bigger picture

She often prescribes forest bathing, walking, Tai Chi, and gardening as activities to increase exercise levels, and “reap the benefits of being closer to nature”, too.

But you don’t have to spend all your free time outdoors to feel the benefits. One study, by the University of Exeter, found that spending just two hours a week in nature is linked to feeling healthier and happier. “You can spread it over the course of a week or get it all in a single dose, it doesn’t really matter,” says lead author Mathew White. Even better, “just sitting on a bench will do,” adds Mathew. Sounds like the perfect excuse for a coffee break in the park.

Air

The Dutch have an expression, uitwaaien, which doesn’t have a direct translation but means spending time in wild, windy weather, usually on a walk or bike ride. The idea is to replace ‘bad air’ with ‘good air’, leaving you refreshed and less stressed – we’d probably say to ‘blow away the cobwebs’.

While a gusty walk along the seafront is great, it’s not something we can all do (and depends on the infamous British weather), so how else can you harness this element? >>> happiful.com | August 2021 | 63

Air can also mean the breath, and tuning-in to the power of our breath has a number of mindbody benefits. Eve Menezes Cunningham, a psychologist and life coach (selfcarecoaching.net), says breathwork can help us feel more relaxed and secure.

“Breathing properly – rather than taking shallow breaths – sends signals to the brain, via the vagus nerve, that you’re safe,” she says. This reduces levels of stress hormones in the body that, in turn, eases feelings of anxiety and panic.

Fancy a simple breathing exercise? Eve says: “Take a breath in for a count of two, pause for two, then exhale for two – the pause helps keep your attention on the breath.” When this feels comfortable, lengthen the 64 | August 2021 | happiful.com

exhalation. “It helps reset the ‘rest and digest’ system, which sends signals of calm and safety cascading through your body,” says Eve. Do this exercise without judgment, and with as much compassion as possible; when you’re anxious, you don’t need another ‘thing’ to worry about.

Fire

Many of us may already use a candle for meditation – focusing on the flame can help improve concentration – while watching a fire burn is the perfect way to unwind. Now researchers say this relaxation response is a throw-back to our ancient ancestors. A study published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology revealed watching fire

can reduce our blood pressure – and the longer we watch, the more relaxed we become.

The experience seems to make us more sociable, too, which would’ve helped create strong friendship and family bonds. Dr Christopher Lynn, who carried out the study, says: “Campfires may have provided social nexus and relaxation effects that could have enhanced prosocial behaviour.” In fact, the study was done using videos of fire, rather than the real thing, so look for clips of crackling fires on YouTube to chill out like a caveman.

Saunas are another great way to get your fire going. Evidence shows they can help lower blood pressure, reduce your risk of heart disease and dementia,

the bigger picture

Humans evolved from water creatures millions of years ago, so it’s not surprising so many of us feel the therapeutic effects of water, from swimming to listening to waves, or rainfall improve lung function, relieve painful joints, and boost your immunity. “Saunas really help me relax and ease any muscle tightness, like neck pain,” says Gemma Perlin, a behavioural change coach (gemmaperlin.com).

“It feels like an instant release, as though the pain is melting away.

I also find them really cleansing, in more ways than one – saunas help me ‘let go’ of anything I’ve been holding on to while working with clients.”

Using fire as an element can also mean enjoying the effects of sunlight. We know our bodies create vitamin D via the sun’s rays on the skin, but sunshine can also create serotonin, the ‘happy hormone’, in the brain. An Australian study that measured levels of brain chemicals found people had higher serotonin levels on clear sunny days compared with cloudy days.

This was true whether it was summer or winter, so get outside whenever the sun puts in an appearance, to lift your mood.

Water

Can you remember your excitement at seeing the sea as a child? There’s more to that feeling of joy than simply knowing you could play on the beach.

Research by the European Centre for Environment and Human Health found that not only do we prefer the seaside compared with other outdoor settings, but also spending time on the coast is more likely to create a sense of wellbeing. This mood-boosting effect could be due to negative ions, which are created by the pounding waves. These tiny, electronically charged, particles can help relieve stress, anxiety, depression, and insomnia.

We’re more active when we live by the coast, too. In 2014, a team from the University of Exeter discovered that people who live near the sea were more likely to hit the weekly activity guidelines than those who live inland. In a later study, the team found living by the seaside was linked to better mental health. There are several reasons for this, such as exercise

helping to tackle anxiety and depression, but it could be that being near water has a restorative effect on the body and brain.

Dr Diamandis says: “We have a deep evolutionary connection to water. For starters, our bodies are 70–80% water, so without water we literally couldn’t exist! It’s also thought that humans evolved from water creatures millions of years ago, so it’s not surprising so many of us feel the therapeutic effects of water, from swimming to listening to waves, or rainfall via an app.”

She now prescribes water-based activities such as cold showers, taking a bath twice a week, wild swimming, or simply drinking more water, for relaxation, stress relief, and to help strengthen the immune system.

Whatever activity you choose to do, always try to do it outdoors. “Nature can play an important role in helping us heal, particularly when it comes to mental and emotional health issues related to our fastmoving, digital lifestyles,” says Dr Diamandis. “Being in nature, getting inspired by the elements, helps us reconnect with ourselves and what it really means to be human.” happiful.com | August 2021 | 65

And here you are living despite it all RUPI KAUR

Photography | Austin Wade

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true story

Forever a square peg Bounced between diagnoses, it took time for Beth to get the answers she needed. But once she did, she began her journey to understanding autism – and now she’s reaching out to help others Writing | Beth Rees

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hroughout my life, I’ve always felt I was different. A square peg in a round hole.

Someone without a place. At school, in work, and – more recently – with my mental health diagnosis, too.

In 2020, after living with borderline personality disorder (BPD) for four years, I was told that I’d been misdiagnosed and that I’m actually autistic. And so, my journey to understanding myself started again.

I’ve never fitted in. I’ve always been called ‘weird’, or ‘odd’, or ‘quirky’. It started at school and continued until I got my first job. Work was difficult, because the sector was fast-paced and cut-throat – I was neither of these things.

Working quickly made my brain shutdown.

Ruthless people made me cry. I was even asked: “Do you think this is the career for you?” Which felt like acknowledgement that, yet again, I didn’t fit in, and that I was a failure.

I ended up going from job to job – not fitting in, not coping with the environment, or being unable to do the work on time. All the while, my mental health was in rapid decline. I was crying in the toilets and always on edge, wondering if I’d be fired. Despite hiding my struggles behind enthusiasm and excessive working, I still didn’t fit the professional mould I was supposed to.

In September 2017, I had a mental health breakdown. My fiancé took me straight for an emergency appointment. The GP was kind, and referred me to a psychiatrist. In October 2017, I was diagnosed with BPD. I wasn’t sure what BPD was, but from what the psychiatrist said, it explained my behaviour – unstable moods, and not knowing how to handle the whirlwind of my emotions. I felt I was on the way to understanding the square peg in me.

I’ve been seeing a counsellor since September 2010, and talking to her has really helped me to navigate difficult situations and emotions. My counsellor questioned the BPD diagnosis, and mentioned I might be autistic.

This came as a surprise, as a medical professional surely couldn’t be wrong? My counsellor suggested I have a private autism assessment, so I took her advice and I booked it.

When the psychologist called with the result, I was so anxious. She broke the news that I wasn’t autistic because I didn’t fit the criteria. She wouldn’t explain further, and when questioned, said that her findings were final. I felt dismissed and deflated. I really thought that this would provide me with an answer for my square peg-ness. After a lot of crying, I decided not to pursue it any further. >>>

happiful.com | August 2021 | 67

Instead, I decided to use my experience of living with BPD to help others. To combat the stigma of mental illness, I became a ‘Time to Change Wales’ champion, a Mind volunteer, and set up my ‘Just A Square Peg’ blog.

In April 2020, during the first lockdown, I was struggling with my BPD. My moods were erratic, the crying had started again, and I was feeling overwhelmed and burnt out. Local mental health services were too stretched to help. My GP wasn’t happy with the response, so re-referred me. In August 2020, I was finally assigned a counsellor for six weeks. Both she and I continued to be persistent, and managed to get an appointment with a psychiatrist in November 2020.

The appointment took place over Zoom. I find video calls overwhelming at the best of times, but this was a whole new level of anxiety. I kept thinking this was my one and only chance to be seen and heard as someone who was struggling.

We chatted for around an hour, and near the end of the appointment the psychiatrist said: “I think you’ve been misdiagnosed and I’m 99% sure you’re autistic, and always have been.”

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The road to this has been a long and difficult one and, when speaking to other women my age, they say it was the same story for them The psychiatrist praised my persistence and said I needed to self-refer to the local NHS autism service for an assessment. Like the anticipation following a job interview, I anxiously waited to see if I’d been accepted. In December 2020, the letter came to confirm I was on the list for assessment.

The road to this has been a long and difficult one and, when speaking to other women my age, they say it was the same story for them: being diagnosed with BPD, but actually being autistic.

If you think this is you, I recommend a book called I Think I Might Be Autistic by Cynthia Kim. It’s a practical book where you can tick off the traits and behaviours that sound like you. You can then use this when contacting your GP to ask for an autism assessment.

Before speaking to my GP, I wrote down the

true story

traits/behaviours that affected me the most. For example, difficulty with executive functioning (following instructions, processes), not knowing how I feel, and special interests that turn into obsessions if not closely monitored.

When chatting to the GP, ask how you can access an autism assessment. Different health authorities have different processes, so it’s good to check what your local area provides.

The waiting lists can be long, but, once you’re on them, it’s worth it. You can also go down the private assessment route – but it can be quite costly – or there are the National Autistic Society’s Lorna Wing centres in England, which specialise in female autism assessments.

While you wait for assessment, I would recommend talking to a counsellor. Verbalising can help you to understand how you’re feeling, and what you need to tell the assessor.

Since my misdiagnosis, I’ve felt in limbo. I’ve felt more of a square peg than ever before. People have told me that “labels don’t matter”, and that “you’re not your diagnosis”, but I am. It’s part of me. It’s part of my identity. But, thanks to being so persistent, I’m on the road to getting to know myself better. It’s empowering to know that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with me, and that I just think differently.

I might forever be a square peg in a round hole, but going through this experience has helped me realise that it’s OK to be different and stand out, instead of disappearing into a sea of ‘normality’.

For more information and support, head to autism.org.uk

OUR EXPERT SAYS Beth had always felt like she never fitted in, but thought she’d finally gotten some answers when she was given a diagnosis of BPD. Her persistence in getting support and uncovering what was really going on paid off when her psychiatrist helped her realise that she was misdiagnosed, and she was, in fact, autistic. This helped Beth feel like the pieces had fallen into place, and

she connected with others who had been on the same journey. Beth’s story highlights how getting the right support can be a challenge in itself, but to remain persistent. Through her journey, Beth has come to accept herself for who she is.

Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) counsellor

happiful.com | August 2021 | 69

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wellbeing

I N T H E Z O N E Discover how to reclaim the moment thanks to meditation, with our handy guide to get you started Writing | Hannah Ervin

M

editation is certainly having a moment right now, with so many people sharing its numerous benefits – from increasing self-awareness, to reducing stress by helping you to gain perspective. So, it’s no surprise that Google reports an average of more than 74,000 searches for meditation every month, as people hunt for more information about it to use in their own lives.

To help cut through that noise, we’ve put together a simple meditation guide for you – with a quick five-minute meditation you can incorporate into your day-to-day routine, and reap the rewards.

So, what is meditation?

In its simplest form, meditation is the conscious practice of bringing yourself into the present moment. It’s a process of calming your body and mind using techniques such as breathing, or visualisation. >>> happiful.com | August 2021 | 71

And it’s incredibly popular – in fact, it’s estimated 500 million people across the world meditate.

With a broad range of benefits, people are drawn to the practise for different reasons, including its ability to help increase clarity, focus, motivation, resilience, and positivity, while also being able to reduce stress, anxiety, and worry.

But if the word ‘meditation’ immediately conjures up an image in your mind of a retreat where you sit for hours on end in silence, don’t worry, it’s not.

These stereotypical pictures can make wellbeing concepts seem unattainable, but the reality is that meditation comes in many forms.

It’s not a case of having to clear your mind of all thoughts (both intimidating and impossible), it’s more a way of noticing your thoughts and creating space in your mind. It is in this space that you can find peace.

The important thing to know is that there really isn’t a ‘checklist’ to follow. A good meditation session will always give you exactly what you need at that point in time.

Where to start One of the simplest ways to start on your meditation journey is to follow a guided meditation. The beauty of these is that all you have to do is sit back, close your eyes, and listen as you are talked through the process. You could download a specialist app, go to a meditation practitioner who will give you personal support, or why not try one of our free Happiful meditations on Youtube?

72 | August 2021 | happiful.com

Preparing for mediation Ahead of starting a meditation session, there are a few useful steps I’ve outlined below to help you make the most of the experience: • Find yourself a quiet spot – you want to make sure you won’t be disturbed for the duration of the mediation (and ideally a short while after).

• Wear comfortable clothes, to help you focus on the moment, and not restrictive or uncomfortable fabrics.

• Decide whether you are going to sit (if so, make sure your back is supported) or lie down (don’t lie down if you are very tired and may drop off to sleep).

• Create the right atmosphere.

Think about soft lighting, perhaps close doors, or light a candle. Also consider the temperature, and either open/ close a window, or grab a blanket if needed.

Right here, right n o w, I f e e l r e l a x e d , c a l m , a n d h a p p y, and I will carry this through with me for the rest of the day

• Switch off your phone, or at least silence alerts if you are using it as part of the process with a guided meditation.

• While it’s good to create a calm and private environment for meditating, don’t worry if you do get distracted. This is perfectly normal – just try to notice when it happens, consciously decide to let the distracting thought go, and return your attention to your breathing, or the voice you are listening to.

• Set your intention for the session. This is so you know the purpose or outcome you would like, such as whether you want to relax, quieten your mind, or let go of stress. You can then use this to select a guided meditation that best serves your intention.

A meditative moment A particularly popular form of meditation that can be really quick and easy to incorporate into a regular routine is a mantra meditation. This involves deciding on a phrase that sums up the outcome you want, which can be particularly helpful if you

wellbeing

are looking to improve your mindset, e.g. if you want to feel more positive, energetic, or motivated. Simply think of three things you would like to feel, and this can become your mantra.

Ready to have a go? Here is a simple, five-minute mantra meditation you can try right now: 1. Start by making yourself comfortable, whether sitting or lying down. Adjust your body so that it feels settled.

2. Now, take in three deep, relaxing breaths – in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your lungs filling with cool air, and how it warms slightly before you exhale.

3. Kindly let your breathing return to its own natural rhythm. It should be a steady tempo, like waves on the shore.

4. Make a conscious decision to let your body relax.

5. Take your attention to your face, starting with the muscles around your eyes. Really notice how this area feels, and try to let go of any tension you may be holding here – let it melt away like warm water on ice.

6. Allow this feeling to continue to sweep across your face and through your scalp – try to notice every muscle group and consciously release that tension.

7. Keep it going down through your shoulders, down your arms, to your fingertips.

8. Now let the relaxation melt down through your body, all the way to your feet. Take your time, and go at your own pace.

9. Once you reach your toes, you should now feel fully relaxed.

10. In this meditative state, repeat your chosen mantra – e.g.

“Right here, right now, I feel relaxed, calm, and happy” – three times. On your last repetition, when you have fully connected with the words, add in “and I will carry this through with me for the rest of the day”.

11. Allow yourself a moment to enjoy the feeling. Then take your attention back to your breath, reconnect with your limbs, take in another deep rewarding breath, and on the outward breath blow away any feelings of stress, tension or negativity. You will now be well on your way to enjoying the rest of your day.

Meditation doesn’t need to be intimidating. It’s a practice you’ll learn as you go along. You don’t need to be ‘good’ at it, you just have to take yourself through the process to start feeling the benefits. The more you practise, the easier it will become.

If you think you would benefit from support and guidance, you could contact a qualified meditation practitioner. These can be found on the Happiful app.

I wish you all the best on your meditation journey, I’ve no doubt it will be a most rewarding experience.

74 | August 2021 | happiful.com

feel-good food

What supp?

From glossier hair to shedding weight and boosting your energy, we’re often told that supplements could be the key to our health goals. But which ones are worth taking, and which ones offer false promises? Jenna Farmer helps separate fact from fiction when it comes to all things vitamins

W

ith so many vitamin supplements on the market, it can be tough to figure out which ones might actually be worth investigating. While a healthy balanced diet can actually go a long way to meeting your nutritional needs, supplementing key vitamins may be beneficial to ensure you’re not deficient in any important areas, and to help with your general wellbeing.

As nutritionist Sonal Shah explains: “The most common nutritional deficiencies are vitamin D, magnesium, calcium, iron, zinc and selenium.” So, with that in mind, let’s take a closer look at the vitamin supplements worth considering...

Vitamin D It’s a common deficiency in the UK, with one in five people thought to be low in vitamin D, which can result in fatigue, joint pain, and low moods. The good news is that in the summer months, most of us get plenty of vitamin D from the improved

weather. However, over winter when sunlight is lacking, we’re much more likely to be low in vitamin D. “It’s important to take a good, absorbable form of vitamin D throughout autumn and winter,” explains nutritionist Sonal. The NHS currently recommends that all adults (and children above one) supplement with 10 micrograms a day of vitamin D from October through to March – and this includes those who are pregnant or breastfeeding. Studies have found supplementing vitamin D has many health benefits, including potentially improving symptoms of IBS, as found in a study published in the International Journal of Preventive Medicine.

But what about the rest of the year? “In the summer months, as long as there is moderate exposure of the sun on the body areas without sun protection factor, it’s fine to take a break from vitamin D supplements, if your levels are within the healthy range, or to take a lower dose,” adds Sonal. >>>

However, if you still spend a lot of time inside during summer, or are still suffering with the symptoms of a vitamin D deficiency, then it’s worth getting your levels tested and potentially supplementing all year round – but best to speak to a professional to check there’s nothing else needed to support your health if this is the case.

Iron Iron deficiency anaemia can be recognised by symptoms such as fatigue and breathlessness, and is particularly common in women of a childbearing age, but can also occur in men and postnatal menopausal women. In fact, it’s thought that a quarter of women in the UK have low iron stores.

The causes of anaemia can really vary, but include things such as pregnancy, heavy periods, restricted diets, or could be a sign of gastrointestinal conditions such as coeliac disease and inflammatory bowel disease. Because of the range of causes, it’s really important to speak to your doctor before using iron supplements, as they can do a blood test to check your levels, and potentially do further investigations to discover the cause for you.

Studies, including one in the British Medical Journal Open, have shown iron supplementation can help with fatigue levels, and since some people find that their iron levels dip during pregnancy, or when they are on their period, it might be a case of only needing to supplement at certain times – 76 | August 2021 | happiful.com

and again, it’s important to speak to a doctor to discuss this first.

One thing to be aware of is some people report that regular iron supplements can sometimes cause tummy issues, but there are lots of variations to persevere with if you need an extra iron boost – including liquid supplements that may be gentler on your digestion, while injections and infusions are an option for those who are severely anaemic.

Vitamin B12 This is far less common than iron deficiency, and your need to supplement depends on a few factors. Firstly, your risk increases with age: 6% of people under 60 are deficient, but this jumps to 20% for over 60s, according to the NICE website. In turn, take a look at your diet; around 11% of vegans are deficient in B12, as it can be hard to source this without eating meat and eggs.

The supplements you need to ditch Hair gummies: Many

influencers promise glossy locks are within our reach if we just buy hair gummies – but do they really work? Many of these just contain the vitamins you could find in a cheaper multivitamin.

It’s far better to just take what individual supplements your body actually needs.

Fat burning pills: As well

as encouraging an unhealthy relationship with your body, fat burning pills often have no scientific backing, and may cause unpleasant side-effects.

“The composition of what is in these formulas is what matters – things like green tea and conjugated linoleic acid (CLA) have some evidence to support the metabolism – but the rest are just clever marketing, and not enough quality ingredients to support their weight loss claims,” adds Sonal Shah. A cup of green tea a day can’t hurt, but there’s no need to buy ‘fat burning pills’ to get this.

Detox supplements: Diet

teas and detox plans promise to help us ‘cleanse’ our body, but don’t live up to the hype. Many contain a blend of herbs, such as senna, that are designed to induce a laxative effect. In fact, a study published in the Journal of Dietary Supplements investigated this, by assigning healthy females a detox herbal supplement with ingredients such as senna and slippery elm bark, and found it provided no beneficial effects at all for both their body composition or gastrointestinal symptoms.

feel-good food

Symptoms of this deficiency can include tingling in your hands and feet, mouth ulcers, depression, and fatigue, so if you suspect you have low Vitamin B12, it’s important to get tested promptly as if untreated it can cause nerve damage.

Furthermore, while there isn’t concrete evidence that a lack vitamin B12 is associated with an increased risk of depression, an overview of studies in the journal Cureus does appear to show that supplementation by those with or prone to depression could have positive effects. Therefore while supplementation could help, it’s vital to ensure you seek appropriate medical support for your mental wellbeing as a whole.

It’s important to look beyond the marketing promises and consider your own body’s nutritional needs Magnesium “For optimum health and nutrition it’s ideal to consider supplementing magnesium for more than 300 roles in our body – including helping with bones, muscles, mood and energy,” explains Sonal Shah.

Magnesium is often found in plentiful supply in our diet, in foods such as spinach, nuts, and wholegrains. However, those in certain risk categories – such as those with type 2 diabetes, gastrointestinal conditions, those

who are pregnant, or on certain medications (such as proton pump inhibitors and antibiotics) – might consider getting their levels tested to see if they need to supplement. Anecdotally, magnesium is often suggested to help muscle cramps, but there’s not much scientific evidence to prove it works. However, other studies have shown magnesium is effective at improving sleep issues such as insomnia, so it may generally help to relax you.

There’s no doubt supplements can be a bit of a minefield, so it’s important to look beyond the marketing promises and consider your own body’s nutritional needs. Whether that’s looking at your own diet and finding gaps, or having a chat to your GP about being tested for deficiencies, understanding the supplements your body requires in conjunction with a good diet is key for your overall wellbeing.

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease and blogs about her journey to improve gut health at abalancedbelly.co.uk

Sonal Shah is a nutritional therapist, health tutor, and director of Synergy Nutrition. Find out more about supplements, and get in touch with Sonal on nutritionist-resource.org.uk happiful.com | August 2021 | 77

Like wildflowers, you must allow yourself to grow in all the places people thought you never would

E V ROGINA Photography | Henri Pham

78 | August 2021 | happiful.com

wellbeing

How to disclose an illness on your own terms at work Choosing if and when, as well as what, you disclose to an employer about chronic illness or disability can feel daunting. But the important thing is it’s your choice – and with this guide, you can feel prepared to approach that conversation with confidence

E

veryone deserves to feel safe and supported when disclosing a chronic illness or disability at work. However, it isn’t always easy to open up about a health condition to your employer, especially if you’re worried about it impacting your opportunities or relationships in the workplace.

While the decision to disclose an illness or disability is highly personal, if you want or need to disclose an illness with your work for any reason, here are some steps you can take to share your experience on your own terms, and feel more in control throughout this often nerveracking process.

Know your rights Telling your employer about your illness or disability

Writing | Maxine Ali

can be daunting enough without the added fear of being disadvantaged by your disclosure. Because of this, it is worth familiarising yourself with legislation on the subject.

Currently, it is against the law for employers to discriminate against you because of an illness or disability. This means that you are legally protected against unfair treatment, including in applications, interview arrangements, job offers, terms of employment – such as pay, promotion, transfer, and training opportunities – dismissal or redundancy, as well as discipline and grievances.

Under the Equality Act 2010, your employer is also required to make any ‘reasonable adjustments’ to the workplace in order to support you.

This could include flexible working hours, time off for treatment, adjustments to the nature of your work, or providing equipment to aid you with your job.

Hopefully your employer is already aware of their duty to support you, and will receive your disclosure with understanding and recognition of their responsibility to you. In case you are worried about any potential unfair repercussions however, knowing how you’re protected can ease some of this stress.

Though these rights won’t necessarily prevent potential microaggressions, they may at least reassure you that, should you be penalised at work because of your disclosure, the law is on your side. >>> happiful.com | August 2021 | 79

It is against the law for employers to discriminate against you because of an illness or disability In case you ever need it, Inclusion London have compiled a list of places that offer legal advice on disability discrimination.

Figure out when the timing is right You might be considering not only whether to disclose an illness or disability, but also when. If applying for a new job, should you say something in your application?

Should you wait until after you’ve been offered a role? If you’ve been in your current job for a while, but have recently been diagnosed, should you notify someone right away or wait and see how this impacts your work?

In most cases, letting your work know as soon as possible means that you can be given support right away. This is particularly important if you will need modifications in order to travel or take part in an interview, to carry out your job, or when it comes to taking time off work.

It’s also OK to take some time to come to terms with a diagnosis and monitor how your condition affects your work before having a conversation with your employer.

You should never be made to feel 80 | August 2021 | happiful.com

pressured to discuss anything until you’re ready. However, if you experience changes in your job performance or output, try to broach the subject before your manager is likely to notice, so that you maintain autonomy over the when and how of your disclosure.

Decide how much you feel comfortable sharing You are not obligated to disclose any information that you do not feel comfortable sharing.

With this in mind, it is worth considering how much or how little about your disability or illness you want to tell your employer and colleagues.

You might prefer to keep it simple and straight to the facts, communicating only your health needs without even necessarily disclosing your condition. Setting out a strictly ‘need to know’ policy can help keep in place any boundaries you would prefer to maintain when talking about your health at work.

If you feel comfortable and it is safe for you to do so, you can also share more details about your experience, particularly from past scenarios that you have found challenging at work.

Set up a conversation Draft an email to the relevant parties arranging a date and time to discuss your health. At this stage, you should decide who you are going to disclose to. While you’ll probably need to speak with a member of your employer’s human resources (HR) team, you may prefer to

start with someone you work more closely with and trust, who can help with adjustments to your work and provide support.

Just ensure that the appropriate people at your workplace have been fully informed about your requirements, so that you are more protected against employment discrimination.

Helpful resources These sites have further information that can help when you’re considering if and what to disclose about your health to employers: • mind.org.uk • lawcare.org.uk • acas.org.uk

Maintain an open dialogue

Please also remember that you are not asking for ‘special’ or ‘preferential’ treatment. You are asking for support to which you are fully entitled by law Write down what you need Before you have a conversation, make a list of any particular accommodations or adjustments that will help you work. This might be extra equipment, such as specialist computer software or ergonomic hardware, physical changes to the working area to make your job more easily and safely accessible, or changes to your working patterns or delegating some duties to make time for treatment. You should be able to ask for an occupational health assessment to determine how your needs can be met.

Most disclosures don’t conclude in one conversation. It can take a few discussions and some trial and error over several weeks or months to figure out what exactly works for you, and what your specific needs are at any given time. It’s therefore important to keep up an ongoing dialogue and build a support network within your workplace, who you can check in with regularly, and who will be an advocate for you.

The main thing to remember is that the purpose of disclosing information is to ensure you feel as comfortable and supported in your role as possible. The outcome should hopefully see you with better resources, or a role that adapts to your needs where reasonable, so while the initial conversation may seem scary, the end result is a better working environment that allows you to thrive – which is best for everyone!

Maxine Ali is a health and science writer, and linguist specialising in body talk and body image. Follow Maxine @maxineali or visit her website maxineali.com happiful.com | August 2021 | 81

5 ways to tell if you’re overreacting Tune-in to your thoughts and feelings, and learn how to evaluate situations in a calm, honest way Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

W

e’ve all been there: it’s the heat of the moment, your emotions are flying high, and somewhere from the sidelines a niggling feeling inside you is asking: “Am I overreacting?”

The truth is, whether or not you actually are overreacting, you’re still feeling the things you’re going through – those emotions are real and valid, and concluding that you maybe blew things out of proportion doesn’t mean that you need to minimise those feelings. But being aware of this can help you build clarity and self-knowledge, and also develop better relationships with others.

82 | August 2021 | happiful.com

Here, we explore five ways you can assess whether you’re overreacting, and how you can harness this to benefit your overall wellbeing.

WHAT ARE THE FACTS? Take a step back, and consider the situation in the most basic, factual, unemotional terms possible – it may help to write this down, and also to explore the context. For example, maybe your partner left the milk on the countertop and now it’s gone sour, which led to a blazing argument. If that’s all that’s going on, you might be able to reflect on the scenario and conclude that, yes, maybe

that was an overreaction.

On the other hand, perhaps there were events that led up to this showing that maybe your partner isn’t pulling their weight at home, or you’re going through a difficult time and you need them to take on more responsibility. Assess the facts, come to your own conclusion, and set a course of action.

HOW ARE THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU REACTING? Are they shocked by the way that you’re reacting and, if so, could that tell you you’re behaving in a way that is out of character for you? Tuning-in to our support systems when we

try this at home

need to talk out a situation is a great way to work through your emotions. Take them through the scenario, and ask for their honest interpretation. You may find this process alone helps you to come to your own conclusion, but having someone who knows you on board for the journey can be invaluable.

IS THIS SOMETHING YOU WOULD USUALLY GET UPSET BY? Sometimes, when we’re going through a hard time, our stress and emotions can bubble up to the surface before we’ve really identified them. You may have snapped over something today that wouldn’t have fazed you last week. If you find that this is the case, consider whether this outburst can tell you anything about your overall wellbeing?

Are you squashing down stress or anger that you need to address? Or are you anxious about something that’s coming up in your life? Did you get enough sleep last night? Are you eating a balanced diet?

WILL THIS MATTER TO YOU IN THE MORNING? Putting the situation into perspective, ask yourself: is this something that will matter to you in a week’s time, a month’s time, or a year? How about the next day, following a good night’s sleep? If you think your feelings will fade with a bit of time, hold on to this. It doesn’t mean that in the moment you didn’t feel them, only that you can look forward to putting them behind you, and moving on. When we’re caught

Our emotions are complex, as are our reactions, and we can go through a range of feelings all at once in the middle of something, it can be hard to see a way out, so thinking about the problem in this manner helps you create a pathway forward.

WHAT OTHER FEELINGS ARE IN THE MIX? At first glance, you might be feeling anger, or sadness, but what’s going on underneath those base feelings? For example, you missed the train and feel furious, but you know you should have left home earlier.

Perhaps now you’re concerned that you’re going to let the friend you were meeting down, so there’s a pool of guilt fuelling the anger. Or maybe a work colleague spoke over you in a meeting, and you feel frustrated, but also rejection mixed in with feelings of imposter syndrome.

Our emotions are complex, as are our reactions, and we can go through a range of feelings all at once. And while, every now and then, we may overreact to a situation, it’s always worth accepting and tuning-in to those feelings – they just might be telling you something you need to hear. happiful.com | August 2021 | 83

Ask the experts: Time to heal Two experts from Therapy Directory answer your questions on alternative healing

Q

I’m interested in a holistic approach to health, and wondered how alternative healing therapies actually work?

A

A holistic approach to wellbeing addresses the body, the mind, and

Q

I’m not sure if it’s stress, or bad posture after working from home for the past year, but my back, neck, and shoulders often ache and feel tense. What treatment could help with this?

A

To help you to deal with your stress, and back, neck,

the emotion as a unit. For example, the Alexander Technique teaches you how to become aware of how you use yourself, and how you react to any activities in daily life – this could be anything from simply thinking, or writing at the computer, to doing sport. The technique helps you to rediscover the poise that we all had as

children – free of unnecessary muscular and mental tension – by connecting with how our minds and our bodies are affected throughout the day. There is also the Buteyko technique that looks to enhance your breath control, encouraging you to breathe through the nose, which is believed to help with anxiety and sleep concerns.

and shoulder pain, you could try the Alexander technique which empowers you to be in charge of your own life. With the gentle guidance of the teacher’s hands and verbal direction, you can discover where you are holding unnecessary muscular/mental tension, and what stimuli in your environment provoke these tensions. By learning more about anatomy, and through the use of mental images that help to ease

this tension, you can explore freer alternatives that will encourage balance, poise, and coordination. This method can help you to gain an awareness of your mind and body that will enable a positive change to how you carry out your work at home in the future. Part of the lesson includes ‘active rest’, which involves lying down in the Alexander technique semisupine position to allow support and relief for the back.

Daniela Sangiorgio is an Alexander Technique teacher and Buteyko breathing practitioner.

Therapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

positive pointers

What therapy is right for me?

These holistic therapies can be beneficial as complementary treatments alongside professional medical support, but it’s important to first speak to a GP. Some alternative therapies to consider might be: Aromatherapy uses essential oils to stimulate the body’s natural abilities to heal, rest, and recover from stress and illness.

Reflexology applies pressure to and massages certain points on the feet, hands, and ears, in the belief that they are linked to other areas of the body through the nervous system.

Cupping involves placing cups on the skin in a way to create suction, with the belief that the pressure can free up energy blockages, and encourage blood flow.

Q

I’ve been feeling incredibly stressed lately, and a friend recommended I try Reiki. Can you tell me how this works, and how it could help?

A

Reiki is an ancient Japanese healing technique that works on rebalancing natural equilibrium in the body through aligning it’s energetic field. It is a

gentle, non-invasive treatment that reestablishes mind-bodysoul connection.

Your practitioner should take your general health history, and make sure you are relaxed and comfortable before the treatment begins. During the session, your practitioner uses a light touch of their hands placed on your fullyclothed body, in different places, and for a few moments at a time.

You might experience a sensation of heat coming, a pleasant cooling sensation, light tingling, or

a gentle water flowing-like effect.

Each person experiences Reiki differently.

Reiki is a very pleasant holistic medicine method, favoured by many in stressful circumstances due to its gentle nature, yet powerful therapeutic effect.

It does not require specific preparation on the client’s side, is ideal for those who prefer to remain clothed, and is performed either lying down or reclining in a chair.

Gordana Petrović is a holistic health practitioner, supporting you in achieving health naturally.

To find out more about complementary treatments and to find a practitioner near you, visit therapy-directory.org.uk

Signs of g n i n o i t c n u f highanxiety

eing le adapt by b p o e p s e se ty nxie t, This type of a ccomplish a lo a to g n ki o lo r, and thing is a high-achieve appears every it ce a rf su e g these so that on th anxiety drivin e th ’s it y, lit a re fine – when, in usting... it can be exha d n a , rs u io v a beh

Overthinking

Struggling to be in the mom ent

Insomnia lty or difficu sleeping

Excessive w orrying

86 | August 2021 | happiful.com

g, then Procrastinatin uctivity to extreme prod rnout the point of bu

Difficulty setting boundaries

il n-to-deta io t n e t t a Good f failure for fear o

Seemingly outgoing, but may avoid eye contact

People pleasing

Brain fog or trouble concentrating

Finding it hard to relax

Appearing confident, but needing reassurance

Overtalking because you’re anxious If these signs seem familiar, it could be worth seeking some support – talk to a loved one, your GP, or a mental health professional.

the bigger picture

Virtually unstoppable Could virtual reality be the key to overcoming social anxiety?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

W

hen you think of ‘virtual reality’, your mind may automatically go to hi-tech games and far-off digital lands – but this innovative technology may also have a more practical use for us, right here on planet Earth.

Virtual reality, or VR, is a computer-generated 3D simulation of an environment, which you can interact with by wearing a specialist headset. Once the headset is on, you’re totally immersed in the virtual world that you have entered, and you may be able to move around and interact with the scene using other compatible devices, such as gloves or handsets.

Already set to reform the entertainment industry, in March 2020 it was announced that the NHS

was due to start using VR therapy to help people overcome social anxiety. In a programme called ‘OVR social engagement’, created

by VR therapy company Oxford VR, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) techniques were translated into immersive VR environments, which patients would enter during weekly sessions.

In life-like environments, users ‘complete’ daily tasks, such as going into a supermarket, paying for items, or catching a bus. For people who struggle with social anxiety, scenarios like these can be problematic, but the goal of VR therapy is to help them take what they are able to learn from the virtual experience and apply it to the real world.

In some ways, it’s an intermediate step towards

exposure therapy – a technique to help clients overcomes their fears and phobias by being ‘exposed’ to them in a safe, controlled environment – that VR therapy taps into, while clients have the added layer of comfort in knowing that they are just in a simulation.

It’s an approach that Sophie Thompson stumbled upon by accident, but which she now points to as the key to overcoming her social anxiety.

“I was always shy as a child, unless I was around my friends or classmates,” Sophie explains, as she reflects back on her journey. “As I got older, this started to limit my life. I didn’t apply for universities where I’d have to interview, I’d ask my friends or family to order for me >>> happiful.com | August 2021 | 87

VR has been used to help people overcome social anxiety

It was like exposure therapy for me – it gave me the opportunity to build up my skills and confidence without fear of judgement in a restaurant, and – sometimes – I’d hide upstairs if we had guests, as I felt too anxious to speak to people I wasn’t already familiar with. There were even a few times where I didn’t leave the house because I didn’t want people to see me.”

The idea of using VR to combat these feelings never occurred to Sophie, until later in life. She was anxious about an upcoming public speaking appointment 88 | August 2021 | happiful.com

when her business partner – Dom Barnard, who was working in the VR department of a big company – suggested that VR could be useful to practise her speech before she did it for real.

“I had heard of VR before but hadn’t tried it, so I didn’t understand the power it has to trick your mind into thinking and

feeling like you’re somewhere else,” Sophie says.

“Practice makes perfect when it comes to many skills, and communication skills, like public speaking, are no exception. For some reason, we’re expected to have these skills, and pick them up naturally, but no one would ever expect you to just know how

the bigger picture

Sophie is the co-founder of VirtualSpeech

The bigger picture Beyond CBT, VR is being adapted by other wellbeing professionals, such as life coaches and hypnotherapists, who offer sessions that incorporate this technology in order to help clients reach their personal goals. These virtual environments can aid people in developing self-awareness, as well as offering a space to practise skills to help them overcome challenges.

Connect with a professional to support your wellbeing journey on the Happiful app.

to play the violin because you’ve seen other people do it!

“I needed to speak to new people, and deliver presentations, to overcome my fear, but my fear was so bad that I completely avoided it, so I was stuck.”

It’s a scenario that will be familiar to many people with social anxiety, where avoidance behaviours – when someone takes conscious action to stay away from the things that scare them – are commonplace. It can be hard to take the first step to exposing yourself to a scary situation when all the anxious thoughts of ‘What if I mess up?’, ‘Will they like me?’, ‘Will they think I’m stupid?’, ‘What if I forget my lines?’ are rushing around your head. But this is where VR comes in.

“VR provided me with a psychologically safe environment that could evoke the same fear response as real life, except there were no realworld consequences,” Sophie explains. “It was like exposure therapy for me – it gave me the opportunity to build up my skills and confidence, without fear of judgement. I could recreate social or speaking situations whenever I wanted to, which ranged from audiences of just two people, to begin with, and then I built my way up to hundreds. This VR practice bridged the gap between having the practical skills and, crucially, the confidence to speak in real life.”

After her experience, Sophie went on to found VirtualSpeech with Dom, a VR app that offers

online courses in public speaking, sales pitching, interviews, presentations, and more. Just six months after launching, the app has more than 100,000 users.

“Best of all though,” says Sophie, “I can now order my own coffee and speak to new people with no anxiety at all!”

In a time when we often reflect on the negative impact that technology is having on our wellbeing, the rise of innovative programmes that can support and transform our mental health is not just comforting, but inspiring. And for those who have struggled with the initial push it takes to start challenging fear and anxiety, the next steps could be virtually within reach. happiful.com | August 2021 | 89

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90 | August 2021 | happiful.com © 2021 The Body Shop International Limited

try this at home

Headshot | Karla Gowlett

Confidence tips from an improv comedian Do you know what’s funny? How techniques for surviving the spotlight on stage can help us find our feet in the real world

I

improvise comedy for a living – you’ve probably seen people like me on Whose Line Is It Anyway? We go on stage in groups of four or five, with the goal of making people laugh – but with absolutely no script whatsoever. The audience shout out suggestions, and from that point we are on our own, playing games and making up sketches.

In truth, it’s hard to think of a more uncertain or anxietyinducing situation! But, believe it or not, I go on stage in a state of calm confidence. A confidence won both through experience,

Writing | Max Dickins

and by the internalisation of some simple rules of thumb that allow me to dampen my fears and find my creativity. And the reason I’m sharing this with you, is because I’ve used the same tools off-stage to feel less anxious and more empowered in my day-today life, both in my relationships and at work.

You might be thinking: ‘Hang on, what can stage improvisation teach us about life? After all, life isn’t a comedy show.’ And that’s true! But isn’t most of our life improvised? We’re improvising in conversations, when we

pursue new projects, when our train is cancelled – essentially always thinking on our feet and problem-solving. My improv world doesn’t just offer us a useful metaphor to think of these challenges in a new way, it also provides a simple and proven methodology to tackle a world of change, with poise and equanimity – to be confident despite the curve balls thrown at us by life. With that in mind, here are five useful tips from improv you can use right now to bolster your confidence in daily life. >>> happiful.com | August 2021 | 91

1. Remember, it’s not about you When I first got into improv, I assumed it was all about what you say. I thought the pressure was on me to be as clever and funny as possible – and it was suffocating.

What I would soon learn is that improv actually begins with listening. All your focus should be on the other person, on supporting their choices, and trying to make them look good.

We often say: “If you want to get out of your head, then you’ve got to get into something else.”

That something else is your scene partner. If you’re feeling anxious, it’s because you’re focused on what you’re saying or doing, so really try to listen to the other person. We’re often not good at this; we don’t listen, we wait to speak, pre-planning what we are going to say in our head. Instead, stay present and listen right to the end of what the other person is saying – then your response will come much more naturally.

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2. Let yourself be obvious In social situations, we often put pressure on ourselves to be interesting and original – no wonder they make us anxious!

But improvisers focus instead on being obvious. This is about simply saying what is clear to you in the moment. You’ll find that not only does this get the conversation flowing, but what is obvious to you is often not obvious to other people. So, you sound interesting by accident!

Being obvious can be as simple as saying: “Your necklace is pretty.” Your conversation partner can now react (“Oh this, yeah, I bought it last week”), and you’re off. People who sound

fluent in conversations are often just those who let themselves be obvious.

3. Accept and build off what you’re given You might think: ‘OK, being obvious can help me start conversations, but what then?

What if I can’t think of anything to say next?’ Improvisers use a tool that helps here: we try to say “Yes, and…” This is about listening to the last thing that was said, and building on that. So, if they say, “Oh this, yeah, I bought it last week,” you could respond: “Where from?” Again, another obvious thing to say, but it simply accepts and builds off the last

try this at home

Isn’t most of our life improvised?

We’re improvising in conversations, when we pursue new projects, when our train is cancelled – essentially always thinking on our feet and problem-solving idea they shared, and keeps the conversation flowing with almost zero effort.

Performance photography | Fine Art Photography | Rah Petherbridge Photography | London

4. Remember the goal is not perfection We often think in life – and especially when we communicate – that our goal is to be perfect.

Not only is that unrealistic, it’s also not how we view other people. To be more confident, you need to build a healthier relationship with your mistakes.

It’s not the fact they happen, but how we react to them that’s important. As jazz musician Miles Davis once said: “It’s not the note you play that’s the wrong note – it’s the note you play afterwards

that makes it right or wrong.”

Improvisers treat their mistakes as gifts. When you mess up, ask yourself: ‘How can I use this?’

5. It’s not all on you to have the answers In meetings or conversations, the pressure isn’t on you to bring the idea or solve everything – it’s a team effort. We have a phrase in improv that emphasises this: “Bring a brick, not a cathedral.” We are trying to build a metaphorical cathedral in the show, a big, complex, beautiful thing. But we get there by bringing just one brick at a time. All you have to do when it’s your turn to speak is to focus on

adding one small thing. Think of your job as not to be the smartest person in the room, but simply to keep the energy going. That quietens your inner critic, and helps you contribute.

Max Dickins is a comedian and improvisation expert, and the author of ‘Improvise! Use the Secrets of Improv to Achieve Extraordinary Results at Work’ (Icon Books Ltd, £12.99), out now. happiful.com | August 2021 | 93

The only approval you need is your own AMANDA GORMAN Photography | Refargotohp

94 | August 2021 | happiful.com

true story

Surviving the trauma of grief Losing her little brother so suddenly sent shockwaves through Tayo’s life. This traumatic life event resulted in her having to grow up too soon, feeling like an outsider, and experiencing severe anxiety Writing | Tayo Andoh

T

he 17 August 2009 is the day my life changed forever. My family and I had just returned from our annual holiday in the New Forest – my brother and I loved going there. We had the time of our lives, being able to stay with our mum, grandparents, and their two little Westies in our mobile home situated on a fun holiday park. Somehow, we would all squeeze into my grandad’s car, and escape for the week during our summer holiday. But this time was different. Shortly after we came back, my little brother Leon fell ill. He was admitted to hospital where he deteriorated rapidly. He had been diagnosed with encephalitis – inflammation of the brain.

A week after Leon initially fell ill, he sadly passed away, aged 10. I was 13 at the time, and I honestly didn’t know what I was going to do without him. It was as if my world fell apart before my eyes, my life ruined before it had even really begun.

Losing Leon left just my mum and I in the house; we had to come to terms with a new dynamic, and that was scary. I went from being a carefree and worry-free 13-year-old, to a fully-fledged young adult who was grieving and dealing with overwhelming anxiety. For the first time in my life I felt like an outsider, like my

peers were living their lives as normal while mine had stopped. All of the emotions that came with growing up and navigating my teen years, along with immense grief and trauma, was a heavy burden to carry.

During the week leading up to Leon’s death, I prayed he wouldn’t be taken from us. Even the thought of that nightmare becoming a reality made me feel sick to my stomach. I couldn’t imagine life without my beautiful brother. He had so much to live for, and so many dreams and aspirations to fulfil. Leon’s ultimate goal was to play for Chelsea, his favourite football team. There was something so different and special about him, he just shone. Leon and I had an amazing childhood, we had the most incredible family and friends who made it truly magical.

But on the day he passed away, it was as if my childhood was over and the doors to the adult world opened – and it terrified me. I saw the cruel side of life, and I really wasn’t ready to see it. My life had taken this incredibly unexpected turn and I found myself, along with my family, feeling this excruciating pain inside. I knew I would have to live with this broken heart for ever, but that I would learn to cope with it. >>>

happiful.com | August 2021 | 95

Tayo and Leon in 2002

Leon playing football in 2009

Leon and I were incredibly close, we had a bond like no other. From the moment he was born, he lit up my life. I always felt incredibly protective of him; I loved being his big sister.

I knew he was a unique and special soul, the words ‘too beautiful for earth’ are boldly visible on his gravestone.

I was left completely traumatised by what had happened to Leon, I began to have lots of flashbacks of events, and that stopped me from getting a good night’s sleep. I could see and smell things that brought me back to terrible moments.

When I returned to school, I found myself in the counsellor’s office more than in class.

One thing I was very thankful for was the fact that my school was so understanding and supportive. I developed bad anxiety when I was going into year 10, which meant that I struggled to sit in classes and exams. The anxiety felt like a scar born out of my trauma, like a person breaking bones or feeling bruised following an accident.

My battle with anxiety came completely out of the blue. I was sitting a mock exam one afternoon when I began to feel really nervous. I

96 | August 2021 | happiful.com

could feel my heart beating at a faster rate, and my palms began to get so sweaty that I struggled to hold my pen. My stomach was churning, I couldn’t make sense of these emotions. But I realised the feelings were not too dissimilar to what I felt during the week Leon was in hospital.

I looked around the packed hall to see if anyone noticed what felt like an eruption in my body, and I stopped my exam. I kept looking at the door thinking it was so close and I could just leave this terrible situation, but I took deep breaths and stayed.

From that day on I developed a fear of silence, and decided that any situation that would include a period of little noise was a danger zone. The anxiety alienated me from my friends even more, because I was yet again going through something that I felt no one could understand. I could no longer engage in school life like everyone else, so this was another reason to segregate me more. My mum and I decided that some additional therapy may help what felt debilitating.

I attended Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) and began cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). The therapy was very much focused on getting to the root of what was causing my anxiety, and setting up situations that were like my ‘danger zones’.

true story

Tayo graduated in 2018 with a first-class honour’s degree

The anxiety felt like a scar born out of my trauma, like a person breaking bones or feeling bruised following an accident I continued seeing therapists over the course of my time at secondary school, and I practised different coping mechanisms, including deep breathing and mindfulness, in order to prevent myself slipping into what felt like unbearable anxiety.

I spent a lot of time studying at home, as well as in school when I could cope, and I made sure I stayed focused on my studies.

I knew that Leon wouldn’t want me to give up – he knew that I always dreamt of being a journalist, and to a degree that dream kept me going. To my surprise, I left school with really good GCSEs, I went on to college to study my

A-Levels, and eventually made it to university to study journalism.

I graduated from university in 2018 with a firstclass honour’s degree. It was one of my proudest days, because that 13-year-old girl all those years ago would never have imagined I would be able to achieve that. I still struggled with my anxiety, but it improved over time. So, I sit here today, aged 24, and I can’t quite believe all of the trials I have faced in my life so far. I feel as if my trauma made me a wise woman before I had even become one. One lesson I have learnt, is that you can never underestimate your strength, I am a survivor, and for that I am so proud.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Tayo’s inspirational story truly touches on the sadness and pain that can be experienced when we lose someone close to us – a feeling that is even more difficult to process as a child. Although it has been challenging, with courage and strength, Tayo has been able to work through the trauma and overcome

her anxiety. This experience has helped Tayo to grow, and she absolutely deserves to be proud of who she is today.

Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred) Counsellor and psychotherapist

happiful.com | August 2021 | 97

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