TRUE LIFE
How music inspired me to stop self-harming
Years of depression, bullying, and low self-esteem left Abbie struggling with her mental health – until a singer and her songs gave her the inspiration and strength to turn things around Writing | Abbie Foster
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or as long as I could remember, I wanted my life to end. That was until an unlikely hero, a pop star, changed everything. While I was growing up, I’d always felt out of place – as if I was surviving instead of living. I was depressed and unhappy with every aspect of my appearance. It seemed to be a constant state of mind, that I just thought was normal. I thought it was how my brain was going to be forever. I soon believed there was only one way out. It seemed to everyone around me that my life was good. I was just a normal kid, excited about the future. No one saw
the signs, no one saw the constant battle I was having with myself about the way I looked. I guess it was only a matter of time before the rollercoaster that was my life would make me sicker. I was bullied at school, sending me further into the black hole that I’d always foreseen. By the time I was 15, I’d had people threatening me, telling me to kill myself or they’d do it for me. I felt unwanted everywhere, I had nowhere to be safe. So, I turned against myself, thinking that there must be something wrong with me if that’s what everyone else thought. I don’t know where I got the idea to self-harm from, but it soon became my addiction.
It started with a rubber band on my wrist, and when that didn’t satisfy my need, I turned to more serious methods, scarring my arms and my legs. I felt my life was spiralling towards the final stage. This was my life until at 18, something – or should I say, someone – came along and changed it. It was January 2014, and was like any other day. I was sitting in my mum’s car, the radio was on. A song started, one I’d heard before, but this time it was like hearing the words and message for the first time. It was ‘Skyscraper’, by American singersongwriter Demi Lovato. I started to cry – hiding it from my mum, who had no idea of what I was feeling, or what was
happening in my life. That day, my life changed. Later, at home, I was feeling terrible. I was about to self-harm, when something clicked in my brain. I wanted this night to be better. I searched online for the song that had given me goosebumps. Once again, my tears began. The video ended, and I was directed to Demi Lovato’s ‘Believe In Me’. I clicked the song, and the lyrics explained much of what I was feeling: ‘I don’t wanna be afraid I wanna wake up feeling beautiful today And know that I’m OK ’Cause everyone’s perfect in unusual ways You see, I just wanna believe in me’ >>> December 2019 • happiful.com • 95
