Happiful December 2019 by Happiful

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

DEC 2019 £4.00

The gifts that keep giving

Reclaim your mornings Seize the day from AM to PM

15 ethical presents with a good wrap

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

THRIVE Founder of Girl vs Cancer, Lauren Mahon is looking to the future... And it's never been brighter

We're only human Scarlett Curtis tells us it's OK to feel blue

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TIME TO

Photography | Daniel Born

“

Once you choose hope, anything’s possible – CHRISTOPHER REEVE

Pause and reflect I read something the other day that really stopped me in my tracks. It said: “There’s only one month left of this decade – make it count.” It’s funny how fast milestones creep up on you – the end of another year, a new decade on its way. Soon it’ll be 100 years since the roaring 20s, and in the blink of an eye, those kids born in the millennium will no longer be teenagers.

Our incredible cover star Lauren Mahon is a fantastic example of this. In the past three years, she’s battled breast cancer, founded #GIRLvsCANCER, co-hosted the podcast ‘You, Me and the Big C’, and won countless awards and accolades. She’s come so far in such a short space of time, and going forward we know she’ll continue to be an unstoppable force of nature.

The pace of change can sometimes feel scary, and hard to keep up with. So it’s important to try and pause for a moment, and think about how far you’ve come in the past 12 months.

We also feature an interview with the writer Adam Kay, discussing with humour and heartbreak the changes needed in the NHS. Plus a guide through a mental health check-in.

Reflect on all the small victories, and give yourself credit. Even if the place you’re in right now isn’t exactly where you want to be – emotionally or physically – when you look back over how much has changed in 365 days, I hope it can be a sign of a more positive situation you might find yourself in by this time next year.

While we’re feeling festive, let’s celebrate how far we’ve come this year, take care of ourselves, and keep pushing forward to make every moment count.

We love hearing from you, get in touch:

happiful.com

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REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR

@happifulhq

@happiful_magazine

The Uplift 8 In the news 13 The wellbeing wrap 14 What is 'kintsugi'?

What can the Japanese art of repairing pottery teach us about self-acceptance?

55 From Me to You

Features 22 Lauren Mahon

The founder of GIRL vs CANCER reflects on life after trauma, and embracing some time and space to find herself

We speak to the charity encouraging us to discover the power of the written word, by writing letters to those with cancer

34 Scarlett Curtis

The author shares her hopes for the mental health conversation in 2020

39 Overcome loneliness

With 30% of millennials and 15% of boomers reporting loneliness, how can we thrive when we're going it alone?

Food & Drink

88 How you doin'?

Eight questions to ask when you need to check in on your mental health

Life Stories 47 Andrew: finding fulfilment

Reflecting on a traumatic childhood, Andrew was surprised he made it through. But with the support of his grandmother, and a passion for dance, today he's living life to the full

61 Chloe: reaching out

64 Check out the sprout

Break from tradition with these four tasty recipes for cooking with Brussels sprouts

66 The ABCs of IBD

Get the facts on inflammatory bowel disease

Lifestyle and Relationships

It took years of struggle before Chloe was given a diagnosis of BPD. Her first point of call was connecting with others, and now she's dedicated to ending mental illness stigma

17 Gifts that give back

95 Abbie: facing the music

71 Adam Kay

Depression, low self-esteem, and bullying meant that Abbie struggled to manage her mental health. Until, she found inspiration in the music and story of a pop star, and things started to turn around for the better

Browse our ethical Christmas gift guide

70 Get some 'me-time'

Reclaim space for you this Christmas The doctor-turned-comedian shares the highs and lows of working the ward

75 Put insomnia to bed

We speak to an expert to learn the tips and tricks for getting a good night's rest

Culture

READER OFFER Print

32 Handling hormones

Grace Victory on tuning in to her body

78 Walk it off

How can walking enhance our wellbeing?

83 Seven winter wonderlands Take a stroll through our Christmas market guide

ENTER CODE:

DECHAPPI

85 Things to do in December

92 Get to know yourself

We review Bill Bryson's manual for owning a human body

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Happiful Hacks 30 De-stress your morning 44 Journal for your health

58 Support your loved ones 80 Find joy in hard times

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EXPERT PANEL

OUR TEAM

Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Staff Writer

BRIAN TURNER

CATHERINE ASTA LABBETT

BA MNCS Snr Accred

BA PG Dip PGcert NCP

Brian is a psychotherapist and hypnotherapist, specialising in anxiety.

Catherine is a psychotherapist focused on helping women thrive.

SUSAN HART

RAV SEKHON

MFHT MFNT

BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Susan is a nutrition coach, food writer, and vegan chef who appears on TV.

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

RACHEL COFFEY

GRAEME ORR

BA MA NLP Mstr

MBACP (Accred) BACP Reg Ind

Rachel is a life coach encouraging confidence and motivation.

Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.

KATIE DRIVER

SANJIVAN PARHAR

BA MCBC TTT

BSc

Katie is a life coach dedicated to helping her clients create better working lives.

Sanjivan is a psychotherapist, presently completing his Doctorate in Psychology.

SOPHIE SPIEGLER

ANDREW MAJOR

Dip MBACP

HPD DSFH

Sophie is a counsellor specialising in supporting those impacted by dysfunction.

Andrew is a solution focused clinical hypnotherapist.

FURTHER INFO Our two-for-one tree commitment is made of two parts. Firstly, we source all our paper from FSC® certified sources. The FSC® label guarantees that the trees harvested are replaced, or allowed to regenerate naturally. Secondly, we will ensure an additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a suitable donation to a forestry charity. Happiful is a brand of Memiah Limited. The opinions, views and values expressed in Happiful are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values. Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice

on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only. We work hard to achieve the highest possible editorial standards, however if you would like to pass on your feedback or have a complaint about Happiful, please email us at feedback@happiful.com. We do not accept liability for products and/or services offered by third parties. Memiah Limited is a private company limited by shares and registered in England and Wales with company number 05489185 and VAT number GB 920805837. Our registered office address is Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL.

Tia Sinden | Editorial Assistant Janette Owen | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Art Director Charlotte Reynell | Graphic Designer Rosan Magar | Illustrator

CONTRIBUTORS

Lucy Donoughue, Kat Nicholls, Bonnie Evie Gifford, Victoria Williams, Grace Victory, Becky Wright, Fiona Thomas, Ellen Hoggard, Jenna Farmer, Katie Conibear, Andrew Yang, Chloe Sunnucks, Abbie Foster, Becky Johnston, Matthew Kollamkulam

SPECIAL THANKS

Paul Buller, Tom Buller, Alice Theobald, Krishan Parmar, Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Lindsay George, Keith Howitt, Susan Hart, Catherine Asta Labbett, Katie Driver, Sanjivan Parhar, Andrew Major

COMMUNICATIONS

Lucy Donoughue Head of Content and Communications lucy.donoughue@happiful.com Alice Greedus PR Officer alice.greedus@happiful.com

MANAGEMENT

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Steve White | Finance Director Happiful c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Printed by PCP Contact Us hello@happiful.com For feedback or complaints please email us at feedback@happiful.com

FIND HELP CRISIS SUPPORT If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999, or go to A&E Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them on jo@samaritans.org

GENERAL LISTENING LINES

Head to happiful.c for more s om er and supp vices ort

SANEline SANEline offers support and information from 4.30pm–10.30pm: 0300 304 7000 Mind Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk Switchboard Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt

IN THIS ISSUE

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FIND PROFESSIONAL HELP WITH ANXIETY If you, or someone you know, is looking for support with anxiety, start the conversation with a therapist in your area. Search your town or postcode at counselling-directory.org.uk

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EMOTIONAL AND FINANCIAL CANCER SUPPORT For those living with a cancer diagnosis and their families, Macmillan Cancer Support is there to lend a helping hand. Visit macmillan.org.uk or call their helpline on 0808 808 00 00

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INFORMATION ON BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER Founded to offer specific support for those with BPD, bpdworld.org offers information, and a community forum where you can connect with more than 50,000 members.

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LEARN MORE ABOUT IBD, CROHN'S, AND COLITIS Discover more about symptoms, treatment, and the support available to those who are living with inflammatory bowel disease. Visit crohnsandcolitis.org.uk or call 0300 222 5700

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FIND A HYPNOTHERAPIST NEAR YOU Learn more about hypnotherapy and browse hypnotherapists in your area at hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk

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DOWNLOADABLE RESOURCES FOR SELF-HARM Find information and advice for those who self-harm, their friends, and family – as well as free resources – at harmless.org.uk

AUTUMN

The 2019 uplift From exciting discoveries, to life-altering launches, we’ve come a long way in 2019. Here, we take a look over our favourite feel-good stories from throughout the year

From acne to eczema, 60% of Brits have experienced a skin disease in their lives. And yet it’s rare to see dermatological differences represented in beauty shots. That was until photographer Sophie Harris-Taylor’s latest photo series, Epidermis, was displayed at the Francesca Maffeo Gallery in September, featuring 20 images of women with conditions such as acne, rosacea, and eczema. Having lived with severe acne, Sophie noted that all her role models growing up seemed to have flawless skin. Despite fantastic moves for body positivity, she believes we’re still lacking honest representation of skin conditions, despite their commonality. Sophie shared the images on Instagram, and received hundreds of messages from people telling her how much they relate. So what does she want people to feel when they see the images? “I’d like women to feel comfortable in their own skin, and to embrace their own conditions,” Sophie tells Happiful. “Perhaps the best way to change society’s attitudes is through acceptance, and this needs to come from ourselves. In turn, this confidence has a knock-on effect for the next generation.” Browse the series and more at sophieharristaylor.com Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Photography | Sophie Harris-Taylor

Photographer gets under the skin of the beauty industry

SPRING

Royals launch a mental health text support service

WINTER

Urban parks found to make us happier, and reduce stress Research reveals the powerful effect that getting out in green spaces can have on our wellbeing Regardless of whether you’re exercising or simply enjoying the space, as little as 20 minutes in an urban park could make you happier, according to research carried out in February this year. The study, conducted by researchers from the Department of Occupational Therapy at the University of Alabama, Birmingham, in the US discovered that urban parks are key for providing residents in urban areas with the opportunity to enjoy nature, and try various outdoor activities. Those who spend time in urban parks experience both physical and mental health benefits, including stress reduction and recovery from mental fatigue.

Speaking about the findings, professor Hon K Yuen noted how this impacts emotional wellbeing. “Overall, we found park visitors reported an improvement in emotional wellbeing after their visit. However, we did not find levels of physical activity are related to improved emotional wellbeing. Instead, we found that time spent in the park is related to improved emotional wellbeing.” While the study itself was small, co-author Gavin Jenkins said the findings should help to reinforce the call for conservation of existing urban green spaces, and the development of new ones. So watch this space!

In May, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge launched a text service, Shout, for those with suicidal feelings or other mental health crises. It proved a huge success, and an incredible 65,000 people used it during the trial. Speaking of what they learned, Prince William said users were “scared, frightened and alone”, and the most common issues were suicidal thoughts. Throughout the trial, ambulances were called out on average twice a day to help people at active risk of hurting themselves. “As texting is private and silent, it opens up a whole new way to find help,” said the prince. “You can have a conversation anywhere, at any time: at school, at home, anywhere.” The service allows people to have a text conversation with volunteers who work remotely, and who have been trained to listen and guide people towards support. All conversations are reviewed by a panel of psychotherapists who can take control if they feel it is needed. Another move to make mental health support more accessible, Shout is a very welcome and a very necessary resource. Shout has been funded with money from the Royal Foundation, with the prince asking for support from volunteers. You can find out more at giveusashout.org Writing | Kat Nicholls

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SUMMER

Same-sex marriage is legalised in Northen Ireland In a hugely anticipated move, MPs voted to permit same-sex marriage in Northen Ireland by a landslide margin of 383 votes to 73. Up until the vote in July, Northern Ireland was the only part of the UK where same-sex couples could not marry, despite equal marriage being legalised in England, Wales, and Scotland in 2014. Speaking at the time, Conor McGinn – MP for St Helens North – raised his frustration that same-sex marriage had not been legalised with the rest of the UK, but said that: “Tonight, we have a chance to do the right thing. People in Northern Ireland – and indeed across Britain and Ireland – are watching.” And it was a long time coming. Opinion polls in recent years have consistently shown public support for equal marriage, with one poll from Love Equality finding that 76% of the public supported a change in law. The law is set to come into effect on 13 January 2020, meaning that some of the first same-sex marriages will be happening on Valentine’s day – something that Patrick Corrigan, NI director of Amnesty International, celebrated as a fitting date for such a landmark event. Love is certainly in the air – and a kinder, more equal society is just around the corner. Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

December 2019 • happiful.com • 11

Take 5

How did you d o? Search 'freeb ies' at shop.happiful. com to find the an swers, and more!

Codebreaker

Thinking caps at the ready – can you solve the puzzle below? It’s like a crossword, but with no clues. Instead, it’s a game of logic as every letter of the alphabet is used, and is represented by a number in the grid. Work out a letter at a time to reveal answers all over the grid – good luck! HINT: We're feeling festive 18

H 20

G 16

M 7

24 12

24 6

C 22

E 3

13 16 21

E 23

19 21

24 7

E E

21 21

E 17

E 14

M 13

M 26

The

Motherdaughter trips are officially good for your health

GUARDIAN ANGEL

In one of the most heartwarming stories of the year, seven-year-old Elle Angel spends her Sundays making and handing out packed lunches for homeless people in Southampton. With personal messages on the bags, she's hoping others will be inspired to help people, too.

Do you like feeling refreshed first thing, or are you a bedtime bather? Well, experts have revealed that showering at night is better for our skin! Clearing off dirt from the day, it could be time to shake up your routine.

CAR-MASUTRA Pasta straws are combating plastic pollution

We spend hours every week commuting in them, singing our hearts out, and practising those tricky conversations in private, but apparently our cars are also a popular place for revving things up in the bedroom. A survey by Tempcover found that 44% of Brits admitted to having sex in a car, and one in 10 BMW drivers had conceived in their car. Now that's what you call taking your sex-life up a gear!

INNOVATION STRIKES

Icons | shutterstock.com, Font Awesome: fontawesome.com

Golf could help to reduce anxiety

Working with mates is found to be a productivity pitfall

Craig, Jordan and Keiran are names at risk of becoming extinct

Going down

When Mike Banks retired from working as an engineer, he decided to put his incredble skills to a fantastic new use. Working with the charity Remap, he's creating custom devices to support disabled people with regaining some independence. So far, he's made 130 life-changing inventions for people with disabilities, from devices to turn book pages, to tools to help people get around.

Have you ever noticed your dog putting Their paw on you when you pet them? Apparently, it can be a sign of them reciprocating your stroking motion, and saying 'I love you' back in their own way. What a paw-fect idea.

Making waves

A GOOD FIGHT

#Empty TheTanks

Did you know that Canada passed a law banning holding dolphins and whales in captivity this year? Hopefully other countries will soon follow suit in a win for animal welfare.

The first rule of Pillow Fight Club is: you do not talk about Pillow Fight Club... To launch their new pillow range, Premier Inn invited people to free events across the UK, utilising 300,000 leftover pillows before they were recyled. A PG version of the cult classic, families had fun, vented frustrations, and relived an iconic movie moment.

Deck the halls

Are you the person whose Christmas decorations are up on 1 November, or not a moment before Christmas Eve? Well, research suggests that getting tinsel out earlier might be good for our wellbeing, with the associated nostalgia helping people to connect with their childhoods, and serving as an ice-breaker for neighbours. Of course, not everyone has fond childhood memories, but even for those whom this is a difficult time of year, decorations can help prompt positive memories of those people no longer with us.

“

Going up

wellbeing wrap

We all know the power green spaces can have on our wellbeing, but did you know the same can be said for 'blue spaces', too? Research from Exeter University has revealed that those living half a mile from the coast are less likely to experience anxiety and depression.

Those who live a kilometre from the coast are 22% less likely to experience symptoms of mental ill-health

Analysing data from more than 26,000 Brits, the study highlighted the link between our health and nature. It found those who live less than a kilometre from the coast are 22% less likely to experience symptoms of mental ill-health, compared to those 50km away. Sounds like a good excuse visit the beach, shore-ly?

What is

Could the Japanese art of pottery repair help us to embrace our imperfections, and celebrate them as things of beauty? Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford Illustrating | Rosan Magar

ew of us like to admit it, but we are less than perfect. No one can embody perfection at all times, no matter how hard they try. All too often we hide our mistakes, our struggles, our broken parts, doing our best to present only the best bits to the world at large. Yet it’s those unexpected turns, hard life lessons, and the journey we go on to become who we are that makes us – flaws and all. Without our hardships, we wouldn’t be who we are today. Shouldn’t we, then, embrace these imperfections for what they are? Discovering more about the Japanese practice of repairing broken pottery could help us learn more about this mindset.

ORIGINS

Using precious metals to give something broken or damaged new life is what the Japanese art of repairing broken ceramics focuses on, and is thought to date back to the 14th century. Instead of trying to hide the flaw or break, kintsugi turns that damage into a thing of beauty – something that can be celebrated and appreciated in its own right. Items that would

14 • happiful.com • December 2019

once have been discarded can not only have a new lease of life, but are displayed with pride, and appreciated for their unique, one-ofa-kind beauty. Linked by many with the Japanese philosophy of wabi-sabi (celebrating imperfection, impermanence, and incompleteness), kintsugi is seen by some as a physical manifestation of

this ideology. While nothing lasts forever, with a little extra attention and care, even the most delicate and damaged things can be repaired, and made into something more beautiful and precious than before.

TURNING FLAWS INTO THINGS OF BEAUTY

If chipped, cracked, or flawed pottery can be appreciated for its history and uniqueness, why can’t we do the same with ourselves? If someone can take the time to repair beloved, delicate pottery, so too can we ‘repair’ ourselves – with enough time, self-care, reflection, and selfcompassion. Each of our experiences have in some way affected us, and helped to make us stronger. It’s time for us to acknowledge the chips and cracks in ourselves. By acknowledging the events that have impacted us, we can begin moving forwards – now

Kintsugi, or kintsukuroi, literally means golden repair; the art of using liquid gold, silver, or lacquer dusted with gold powder to repair broken pottery and enhance the breaks.

a more beautiful, still whole person, with just a few more scars to show for the journey.

EMBRACING KINTSUGI IN OUR DAILY LIVES

When things get tough and we feel overwhelmed, it can feel like we need to just ‘pull ourselves together’, and

show only the best possible version of ourselves to the outside world. By hiding when we’re struggling, we can inadvertently let our problems and worries worsen. When we begin to share what is troubling us, we can seek help – and others may feel more ready and able to speak out and share their own experiences, too. Could applying the ideas around kintsugi help us to better accept ourselves and our struggles, and start appreciating our own strengths? Here are three ways to try implementing kintsugi in your life: Ditch the fear of being ‘damaged’. You are more emotionally resilient than you may think. By addressing the issues that have caused you pain or worry, over time you can become stronger, improve your emotional strength, and start learning how to best cope with adversity when it arises. Embrace life’s scars. It’s tough to acknowledge, but

we can’t hide our problems or sweep them under the rug. It’s time to embrace the trials you have faced, and recognise them as part of your journey. Our scars can make us stronger; they are proof that we have grown and overcome life’s challenges. Reflection, not stagnation. Acknowledging the past without allowing it to take over or consume our thoughts is key. When we allow our present to be ruled by the past, we risk falling into self-pity, or becoming stuck in a negative cycle of past thoughts and events. Past challenges are still a part of you that should be recognised, but refocusing on how you have learned to overcome, embrace, work with or around them can help to avoid feeling stuck in the past. In an age where social media reigns, and we only share our best side, going back to traditions, celebrating our journey, and our strength for what we have overcome, could be just what we need.

December 2019 • happiful.com • 15

Photography | Genessa Panainte

“

To move forward, you have to give something back – OPRAH WINFREY

Christmas gifts

that give back

From makeup brushes that support getting girls into careers in coding, to the phone case that’s helping to clear up our oceans, this Christmas wrap up a gift that keeps on giving Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

ccording to the Bank of England, in December the average UK household spends an additional £500 on festive treats. This Christmas, make your money go further with gifts that have a positive effect on the world around us. Here, we break down our favourite ethical Christmas gifts that keep on giving long after the last pine needle has been swept up.

THE SOAP CO. WILD NETTLE & SAGE GIFT TRIO What you get… A luxury set of body lotion, soap and an exfoliating soap pebble in an uplifting scent and a sleek, monochrome design; this gift is sure to be a stylish addition to any bathroom. And as an added bonus, the box is made from 100% recycled paper, and vegetablebased ink. What you give… The Soap Co. is an award-winning social enterprise where 80% of the staff have a disability or long-term

health condition. Committed to doing things differently, this brand is breaking down barriers and creating a supportive environment where anyone can flourish. >>>

RRP: £39.00, thesoapco.org

LOELLA GIRL ON FIRE ESSENTIAL BRUSH SET

THAT’S A WRAP! Waste collection company Biffa estimates that UK households throw away more than 277,000 miles of Christmas wrapping paper each year. Looking for something a bit more eco? Why don’t you try:

What you get… 100% vegan and cruelty-free, create show-stopping looks with this set of 10 makeup brushes for base, eyes, and lips. Beginners and experts alike will love this eye-catching kit. What you give… 10p from the sale of every brush is donated to #iamtheCODE, a foundation that teaches girls in disadvantaged communities skills to become our future coders and tech entrepreneurs.

RRP: £49.95, loellacosmetics.com

Using what you already have. Save gift bags and wrapping paper when you can, and reuse them to gift to others.

RRP: £15.00, nealsyardremedies.com

NEAL’S YARD BEE LOVELY WINTER HEROES What you get… The Bee Lovely signature scent of the organic honey and the orange essential oil will lift spirits through the winter months, and this set of hand cream, lip balm, and a nail file – in a convenient miniature size – make pampering on-the-go easy. What you give... With the bee population under threat, Neal’s Yard’s Bee Lovely range – where 3% of sales are donated to charities that protect bees – is right on time.

TOMS FELT INDIA SLIPPERS What you get… Perfect for putting your feet up in, these beautifully soft, faux-fur lined slippers – with a subtle gold embroidered moon and stars – will put a spring in anyone’s step.

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What you give... With their ‘One for One’ scheme, TOMS products provide shoes to people in need., They also support sight, water and safer birth services around the world.

RRP: £55.00, toms.co.uk

Saving interesting newspaper spreads. Quirky, informative, eco-friendly – what’s not to love? Tying up squares of natural fabric. Use spare, lightly-used fabric, or scarfs that can be part of the gift. Choosing brown paper. Available 100% recycled, brown paper has a rustic look. Skipping the tape. Opt for ribbon or string that can be reused over single-use tape.

JO MALONE CHARITY CANDLES What you get… Light up a bit of luxury with the indulgent Jo Malone charity range, inspired by the scents of nature, and created using the finest ingredients. And once you’ve burned the candle, reuse the stunning floral jars.

What you give… For every candle sold, Jo Malone makes a donation of 75% of the price to support individuals and families affected by mental health problems.

RRP: £48.00, jomalone.co.uk

MADLUG ROLL-TOP DAYPACK RRP: £48.00, hopefultraders.com

What you get… The perfect blend of practicality and style, this sturdy bag – available in a variety of on-trend muted colours – is just the thing for packing up for work, school, and day trips. What you give… The sale of every Madlug bag covers the cost of a bag for a child in care, so they can keep their possessions safe as they move homes.

HOPEFUL TRADERS WE ARE HOPEFUL ORGANIC SWEAT

RRP: £33.50, madlug.com

What you get… This unique sweatshirt comes in a variety of colours, with an uplifting design created by former homeless artist James Lewis. Made from 100% organic cotton, this is the ideal thing for chilly days.

What you give… All artists have experience of homelessness or mental illness, and each receives 10% of the revenue – and a further 5% is donated to a charity that has, or still does, support them.

December 2019 • happiful.com • 19

THATCHFACE TRIPLE PACK OF BEARD OILS

RRP: £29.99, thatchface.com

What you get… Treat the furry-faced friend in your life to the ultimate conditioning treatment with this collection of three quality beard oils, which come in three scents: mint, cedarwood and sandalwood, and zest. What you give… 10% of all profits from ThatchFace beard oil sales are donated to Orchid, the UK’s leading charity for those affected by prostate, testicular, and penile cancer.

WILD IPHONE CASE What you get… A sleek, stylish phone case that protects our phones, and our planet. As it’s 100% biodegradable, when this phone case has reached the end of its life, it can just be put in the compost bin to break down. What you give… Between 5% and 10% from the sale of every case is donated to The Ocean Cleanup Foundation, working to remove plastic from the oceans.

RRP: £25.00–£80.00, toriratcliffe-art.co.uk

TORI RATCLIFFE CHARITY PRINTS

RRP: £22.00, wildcase.co

What you get… A collection of striking pieces by talented animal artist Tori Ratcliffe, these prints blend colour and linework to create works of art that anyone would be proud to hang in their home.

What you give… Passionate about preserving the animal kingdom, £1 from every print is donated to the World Land Trust, with 50% to 100% of profits from selected prints going to other conservation causes.

Stocking Fillerser £10 and und

Oxfam Safe Water for a Family of Four The purchase of this gift helps Oxfam install community wells, water pumps, and taps in areas facing drought. Receive a card with information on how the gift will be used, and learn more about the vital work that Oxfam is doing. RRP: £10.00, oxfam.org.uk

teapigs single estate breakfast tea For the tea-lover in your life, you can’t go wrong with teapigs’ single estate breakfast tea. Serving a strong taste with every brew, teapigs also donate 50p from every pack to the Point Foundation – supporting orphans and vulnerable young people in Rwanda. RRP: £4.50, teapigs.co.uk

Stand4Socks Socks don’t have to be boring, and when you purchase these quirky, colourful pairs, Stand4Socks donate specifically made thick, durable socks to the homeless. RRP: From £9.99, stand4socks.com

RNLI Wooden Ocean Dominoes Simple fun for all the family, this wooden dominoes set features colourful sea creature pieces for hours of fun. What’s better, 100% of profits go towards funding the Royal National Lifeboat Institution’s (RNLI) lifesaving services. RRP: £6.00, shop.rnli.org

Rococo Large Milk Chocolate Gold Coin Put an ethical twist on a Christmas tradition with this creamy chocolate coin that’s handcrafted in London, and supports a variety of charities, from conservation programmes to social support. RRP: £3.95, rococochocolates.com

Keep the Christmas cheer going, and spread it far and wide, with this cracking ethical selection that helps you give back when you gift. But whatever you wrap up for your family and friends this year, do it with love.

This is

Lauren Mahon She describes herself as having ‘hair like Demi, and a gob like Dyer,’ but when we meet Lauren Mahon, it’s immediately clear that she also has huge heart and a genuine openness that’s not easily matched. Her journey and work to date demonstrate that – while life may deliver unexpected blows – with support, we can get back up, steady ourselves, and decide which punch to deliver in return. As 2019 draws to a close, Lauren – broadcaster and founder of charitable business GIRL vs CANCER – shares her reflections on living with trauma, embracing a much-needed period of hibernation, and why family and the upcoming festive season gives her all the feels… Interview | Lucy Donoughue

Photography | Paul Buller

>>>

Top | Reserved

Jumper & skirt | Luisa Cerano

he last time I saw Lauren Mahon, she was walking across a field in the bright August sunshine, rocking her dark cropped hair and a bright fuchsia puff-ball sleeve dress, paired with heavy black boots. She was fresh from giving a talk at Fearne Cotton’s inaugural Happy Place Festival, and had truly ‘owned the room’ (well, tent) throughout her solo presentation. If you had seen her in that moment, you may have thought that she was the picture of confidence – but, as we know, appearances rarely reveal the whole picture. In reality, Lauren wasn’t doing too well. Only a couple of hours before the talk, she’d mentioned that her anxiety levels were far beyond the norm for her. The day had been full of highs in terms of personal and professional achievements, but she was struggling with her mental health. “Things have been up and down since then, if I’m perfectly honest,” Lauren shares, three months later over a cuppa at the Happiful December photoshoot. “My work can be quite intense emotionally – because I’m telling my story. But I think a lot of the time I live above myself, almost like a third person, above my own body. I go and talk about my experiences, but sometimes it’s honestly like I’m talking about somebody else. “It’s not good, but at some point, I detached a little bit emotionally

because I’ve had to, to survive. And I think that’s how I coped with my cancer.” Lauren was diagnosed with breast cancer in August 2016 and threw herself, almost immediately, into raising awareness of the impact of living with the disease. During her treatment, she created a community on her existing blog Girl Stole London, for people to share experiences and support each other. Thanks to Lauren’s personality, energy, and drive the community grew massively, and the GIRL vs CANCER strand of her work is now its own entity and a business which donates a chunk of profits from the sale of campaign apparel, as well as all money from events, to four cancer charities close to her heart.

“Things that are happening in my life are unreal, and I want to feel them. I want to live in them.” Lauren subsequently became the co-host of the multi-award winning Radio 5 Live podcast You, Me and The Big C in early 2018, and now speaks regularly at events and festivals, heads up advertising campaigns, and has branched out into even more broadcast work. Her warm open-book approach to

life, down to earth matey delivery and sense of humour made her an instant hit with audiences up and down the country. From her social media and press presence, Lauren looks very much like a woman who never stops; someone who is positively seizing the moment and every hour of every day. “I make myself busy as a coping mechanism, so I don’t think about what I’ve gone through,” she responds when we talk about her perpetual state of being busy. She’s realised that comes with a downside for her: “It means I’m not giving myself the headspace to connect and process what’s going on, to look at what I’ve done that day and think ‘Wow, that was amazing.’ “Things are happening in my life that are unreal, and I want to feel them and live in them.” Amazing things really have happened. Not only has Lauren emerged as a successful broadcaster and speaker, she’s also received a large amount of professional accolades, making it onto the BBC 100 Women 2019 List, Marie Claire’s Verified Influencer List and winning a Stylist Remarkable Woman Triumph Award. Lauren is positively grateful for these moments (she practices gratitude by journalling every night), but also recognises that cancer and her recent way of working has had a negative impact on her mental health and wellbeing. >>>

December 2019 • happiful.com • 25

This is something Lauren is now addressing. “I made a positive step in September,” she shares proudly. “I started seeing a therapist. “And don’t get me wrong,” she hesitates before continuing, “I know a lot of people probably can’t afford that. And to be honest at the beginning of this year, I couldn’t afford that. But I’ve had some really nice jobs come in and I’ve just siphoned that money to the side for my mental health. “I thought, even if I can do this for just three to six months, it would be good to have a space every week for me to process the trauma of what’s gone on, and it has really helped me to stand back a bit and look at how I’m living.” The therapy is clearly having a significant impact upon her, although the process, she says, was a tough one to begin with. “Every single time I’d been to see the therapist, until last week, I sat in the chair and sobbed for an hour, physically shaking with anxiety and stress. “And at some point I had to sit back and think ‘I’ve done this to myself. I’ve put myself in this situation’. I’m still in cancer mode, thinking that tomorrow isn’t promised, so there’s an urgency in everything I do... And actually, I have to stop and allow myself some space to be happy.” Lauren’s therapist has encouraged her to reflect on the difficulty of the past months and what she wants and needs, in addition to what the future may hold. One exercise in particular, really stayed with Lauren.

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Her therapist encouraged her to draw herself and think about her different positive personal traits.

“...if I keep giving time to myself to process everything, then the future is going to look a lot different.” “I drew a shape like a gingerbread man,” she laughs. “So God knows what that says about how I look at myself! Then, she asked me to close my eyes and think about myself – Lozza, not Lauren, because Lozza is who I am to my friends and my family and myself. I started to put words on the picture, and I sat back and said: ‘There she is.’ It was like, ‘Fuck! I’m still here!’ Underneath everything, I’m still me.” This was a big realisation for Lauren. “As much as I genuinely feel the past few months have been tough, I’ve learned a lot, and if I keep leaning in to therapy, and giving time to myself to process everything, then the future is going to look a lot different.” Part of the process for Lauren is to question the way she views herself and how she might be presented to others. “I have had cancer but I am not cancer,” she says, definitively. “For the last two years almost everyone has introduced me as Lauren, cancer patient, or cancer survivor. I haven’t been Lauren Mahon for a really long time.”

And how would she like to be introduced now? “I am Lauren Mahon, I’m a broadcaster and I’m the founder of my own business. To say that is really empowering, and it does make me proud – but I need to give myself space to feel proud.” She’s already thinking about how to live and work in a way that reflects where she’s at in her life, and is planning 2020 changes. “My focus next year is to rebuild a life that isn’t around cancer. “I’ll always have GIRL vs CANCER. I’ll always want to support people,” she says passionately. “However, I am very lucky that my cancer – touch wood – is gone, so I think I’d be doing myself a disservice if I didn’t give myself space to live without cancer both physically, and also in my head. “I am going to get further and further away from my diagnosis, and my experiences will become less and less relevant because new treatments will come out and other things will be happening in the world,” she explains. “So, I just want to get GIRL vs CANCER to a place where it’s a hub of information, so I can signpost other people to where they need to be.” This big picture work, however, will have to wait for a while so Lauren can create the mental – and literal – space she needs right now. She’s looking to move flat to mark a new era, and will be scoping out work spaces away from where she lives in order to set all-important boundaries and make home a place of pure relaxation. >>>

Shirt & trousers | Zavi, Shoes | Malone Soulier

Left: Top & trousers | Reserved, Shoes | Kat Maconie

Right: Jumper | Marc Cain

Styling | Krishan Parmar Hair & Make Up | Alice Theobald at Joy Goodman

There’s also talk of adopting a dog in the future (“I’ll name him Ray, after Ray Winstone.”) and a holiday to see in the 2020 New Year, but before all of this, she’ll have been taking things slowly for the last two months of 2019, in order to recalibrate. She calls this her “hibernation”. What does hibernation look like to her? “It looks a lot like saying no, and giving myself that space and time. I want to do a timeline of the last year and reflect on everything I’ve done. “I’m just going to go slow, see friends, see family, do a bit of work on me, do a bit of mending of my own heart, get back into a routine, and make a plan. I’m a woman who loves a plan.” Part of that plan includes spending time with her family, including three-month-old niece Lilly and nephew, toddler Gryff, who she is totally smitten with. “They’re my reason,” she says, smiling broadly. “I was at my sister’s yesterday, and I had Gryff on the floor next to me, and he had his arm around my calf watching TV, and Lilly was on my lap, and honestly, that feeling in my stomach of just absolute contentment and joy...” She breaks off tearfully. “l get emotional just thinking about them. They ground me. When I’m wandering around all stressed about a fucking Instagram post, I think: ‘Does any of that matter? No, they do’.” Lauren says her sister, who has become her best friend, instinctively knows when she needs to be with Gryff and Lilly; “Whenever I’m having a really bad bout of anxiety, she just tells me to

cancel everything and come over. As soon as I walk in the door, she hands me the kids, I cuddle them and my body just relaxes. I feel safe, and when I’m with them nothing bad can happen.” She’s ‘Auntie Larry’ and the love, she says, is unconditional. “They don’t care that I’ve had anxiety that day, they don’t care that I had a lump in my tit that tried to kill me, they just want me to play with them and be there.” Lauren will be spending time with them at Christmas too, it’s one of her favourite times of the year. “I love going back to my Mum and Dad’s at Christmas. I go there for a whole week and my Mum’s house is like a grotto, not a gawdy one, but a proper beautiful old-fashioned one.”

“The thing is, you just don’t know what will be happening this time next year.” Lauren speaks a million words a minute when she’s excited, and it’s obvious to see that the prospect of upcoming festive family time brings her joy. There’s one ritual in particular that they keep going each year, despite Lauren and her siblings being in their thirties: “My Mum still wraps our pyjamas and puts them under the tree on Christmas Eve. “The tradition is that we unwrap them – they’re usually matching – then we have to race to our bedrooms to change, and the first one back to the Christmas tree

wins! You don’t win anything, but you win.” It’s a time of year that has a lot of meaning for her. “Christmas, to me, is just really special. I’m older now and you realise that with these little milestones in life, in the time between them, things can change so much.” She pauses, looking thoughtful. “Christmas can feel like a time when you have to be so jolly and so happy and when I was ill, I really wasn’t. I was devastated because Christmas is my favourite time of the year and I couldn’t take part in anything. I was so sad because I wasn’t myself and it was out of my control – and that’s the first time I realised that Christmas can be really hard and triggering when things aren’t right. “Now, I’m feeling well again, I really enjoy Christmas. The thing is, you just don’t know what will be happening this time next year. Last Christmas my sister told us she was pregnant and this year we have Lilly!” Lauren smiles again, finishes her cuppa, and heads off to slip on sequins for her photoshoot. 2019 has certainly been one of massive highs, learnings, and deep lows for her, but I have the feeling that 2020 will be the year all of that experience is channelled into positive steps forward and even greater things. She is, after all, Lauren Mahon – and she’s pretty phenomenal. Follow Lauren on Instagram @iamlaurenmahon Check out Tit-Tees at girlvscancer.co.uk – they make perfect presents and you’ll be supporting four cancer charities with each purchase.

December 2019 • happiful.com • 29

Five ways to

de-stress your mornings

We often have the best intentions at the start of the day, which can get derailed quickly from one too many ‘snooze’ buttons, lost keys, or feeling rushed and unprepared. But with these five simple steps, you can really begin your day on the right foot... Writing | Victoria Williams Illustrating | Rosan Magar

nless you’re lucky enough to be a natural morning person, leaving your comfy bed to face the hectic first hour of the day can be a struggle. Keen to get those last few minutes of sleep, or catching up with our social media scrolling, we’re often left in a rush, pulling up a pair of trousers with one hand and scrambling for car keys with the other. This stress is not the best way to set yourself up for a happy and productive day, so here are some simple ways to restore calm and order to your mornings.

1 CREATE A REALISTIC ROUTINE

Research suggests adults aren’t at their cognitive best until late morning, so establishing a routine helps you to navigate the earliest part of the day when your brain is still warming up. List everything you want to get done, and decide on the most logical order. Running through this routine every morning means you’re much less likely to waste time or forget something. Life coach Katie Driver highlights the importance of finding a routine that suits you: “Just because someone else might be getting up at 5:30 to go to the gym doesn’t mean it’s right for you.

“If you plan a routine that’s not remotely realistic, it’s only going to make you feel like a failure every day you don’t achieve it.”

Setting your intentions and some realistic expectations can help you get through the inevitable hiccups in a better frame of mind 2 GIVE YOURSELF TIME

If you always find yourself rushing, reduce your stress by simply waking up earlier. Leave the curtains open a little or invest in a sunrise alarm clock to wake you gradually so you’re less likely to turn over and go back to sleep. Allow yourself more time than you think you need – that way lost shoes and uncooperative hair won't throw you off schedule. On days with no unexpected hold-ups you’ll have bonus time for enjoyable activities such as reading or sharing your breakfast with family. Katie says: “I thought the arguments I often had with the kids about getting ready were the source of my stress, until I realised that I was actually trying to cram too much into too little time in the morning, and taking my frustration out on them. I found getting up just 15 minutes earlier meant I had a little more breathing space, and the arguments almost completely disappeared.”

3 PLAN AHEAD

How many times have you forgotten something important in the morning, or scrapped your pre-work plans in favour of the snooze button? Do your sleepy self a favour and get everything ready for the morning before you go to bed. “Check tomorrow’s diary and weather forecast, and get out what you’ll wear, then you won’t waste time standing in front of the wardrobe in the morning agonising about what to put on,” Katie recommends. “Putting some comfy yoga clothes or running kit out the night before will help remind you to exercise when you wake, and make it easier to do so. A glass on the counter reminds us to drink water to start the day. It also helps to have a particular place where your keys and purse always go, so you’re not trying to find them every morning. Reminders by the door are a great idea too.”

4 TAKE LITTLE STEPS

Drastically changing your morning routine can be a shock to the system. Work towards your ideal morning in stages, gradually cutting out the bad habits and introducing good ones, and you’re more likely to stick with them. Make a note of your steps for the week – for example, cutting down from two morning coffees to one, and sitting down for breakfast rather than eating on the go – and put them somewhere you’ll notice immediately. “Once you’ve started making changes, you’ll

probably spot opportunities for other improvements,” Katie says. “Try setting yourself challenges – how many mornings in a row can you do some stretching, or stay off the phone until a particular time?”

5 RECLAIM THE MORNING

The start of the day is often treated as a stepping stone to the main part of the day, but it can be really valuable if used wisely. Take a few moments for yourself, reflecting on your goals and the reasons behind them, and doing whatever you need to do to get your day off to a good start. Katie says: “It’s worth working towards habits in three key areas: moving more, making sure the first meal of the day is a healthy one, and strengthening your connection with what’s meaningful in your life. None of these need to take long, but they will set up your mind, body and spirit for a great day. You could also try thinking about how you want to be in the morning, not only what you want to do. Setting your intentions and some realistic expectations can help you get through the inevitable hiccups in a better frame of mind.”

Your mind, body, and flow… wit h G race Author, vlogger, and trainee counsellor, our columnist Grace Victory delves into taboo topics, and shares her raw, personal insight each month

n 2016, I decided it was time to come off my contraceptive pill. I started taking it when I was 19, without being fully informed of the side-effects these hormones could have on my health. So by the time I was 26, I had this sudden realisation that I had no idea what I was putting into my body. Being the inquisitive woman I am, I began some research and stumbled upon hundreds of articles that spoke about the link between the pill and reproductive or menstrual issues, which really resonated with me. My periods had become few and far between, and I often sensed a huge disconnection from my body on a spiritual level. I felt I was silencing my physical form from doing its thing. So I came off it, hoping my problems with menstrual health would end, but in reality, they were just beginning. A few months after coming off the pill, I started to bleed non-stop. The bleeding would sometimes be extremely heavy, and other times extremely light. After getting the all clear from my GP, and numerous tests for things like PCOS and endometriosis, I sat with myself for a few days. I could hear my intuition telling me

that this was my womb healing, and now was the chance for me to connect to my cycle. So that’s exactly what I started to do. I read books, I meditated, I attended womb-healing circles, and I began to journal my cycle daily. I would write how I felt emotionally and physically, the colour and feel of my discharge, as well as any other symptoms and feelings I thought were relative. After a year or so, and with much patience and inner belief, my body started to respond. My periods became more regular and consistent, and slowly but surely my flow became ‘normal’ for me. I recognised stress would make my period late, and one month my bleed would last six days and another it would last three to four days. Without journaling, I wouldn’t have known any of this. And then I noticed something in my journal entries that completely shocked me. There were times every month where I felt hopeless, sad and actually quite depressed. I would cry and cry, and sometimes I didn’t even know why. It felt like a thick grey cloud was following me, that made me change into a completely different person. I would become more needy, passive aggressive and snappy. There have also been

What’s right for you...

I recognise that coming off the pill is something that other people may not have the option of, or want to do. However for me, it was a decision I made after thorough research. It’s important to do what works best for you, and make sure you’re fully informed before making any decisions – speak to your GP for advice and information. times I couldn’t get out of bed in the mornings because life felt a bit too much. I would sleep more, eat more, and scream more. I was a hot mess. A beautiful, wild, mess of a woman. You see, we aren’t really taught that we are cyclic beings, and therefore our bodies and moods will change throughout the month. Due to hormones that can sometimes change dramatically, how we feel can change dramatically too. If you’re dealing with other mental health issues, these can feel unbearable during your bleed – they become heightened and exacerbated. Spiritually, it’s like all the things you need to reveal and heal are bleeding out too. There is something to be said about

@GRACEFVICTORY YOUR SELF-CARE RITUALS DURING YOUR PERIOD: For me, it’s about womb meditations, crying, journaling, more sleep, and definitely more alone time. Here’s some of your thoughts... Instagram: @daisypenman_

I distract myself – talk to my boyfriend and friends, or just sit with it and let myself feel it.

Twitter: @carriejohnson96

Lots of long baths with bath salts and bubbles, and I watch Netflix or listen to chill music. Lots of chocolate! Oh and I get my boyfriend to give me a massage or play with my hair.

Instagram: @lou_eleanor_

I walk barefoot across the grass, I cuddle my cat, I bellydance even through the pain.

We often play it small and struggle to stand in our power, maybe our bleeding allows us to change that? allowing our stresses and anguish to shine during this time. If we really think about it, we often play it small and struggle to stand in our power, maybe our bleeding allows us to change that? There is also a condition that has now been recognised as premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), which is very severe PMS. It is very real and something that so many people experience. If you’re a highly sensitive person, you are more likely to experience PMDD due to increased sensitivity to hormones. You’ll know what is ‘normal’ for you, and what mood swings are manageable or

unmanageable. It’s also worth saying that understanding a dip in your mental health because of your cycle can help to ease confusion, and give you an understanding of why a low mood is occurring. For me, I now know that when I am hitting a part in my cycle where my hormones are going to affect me, I keep my schedule more free and I have my period self-care tools on hand. I try to honour whatever I feel during this time, and I let my therapist know that the period cloud is on its way. Planning is key for me, so I am not knocked for six with an unexpected mental health dip.

There is no shame in admitting you feel a little off balance at this time, or any time for that matter. Speak to your GP, and do some research on connecting to your womb so that you can understand your cycle better. The cloud will float away eventually.

Love Gracex

It OK to be Blue – and that’s the truth It’s Not OK to Feel Blue (and other lies), published this autumn, is hope, experience and understanding all wrapped up in a beautiful, blue-hued book. As the end of the year approaches, curator and major contributor Scarlett Curtis shares her hopes for those who read it, and for the future of mental health and illness conversations in 2020 and beyond... Writing | Lucy Donoughue

fter a particularly tough week, feeling listless on a long train journey, I dig the new anthology curated by Scarlett Curtis, It’s Not OK to Feel Blue (and other lies), out of my bag and open a random page. A quote from editor and model Jamie Windust leaps out at me. “We are all allowed to fail and make mistakes. We are, at the end of the day, only human.” Amen to that. This is one of many times I’ve dipped into Blue ahead of my chat with Scarlett. Each time, I read three or four offerings that have led me to think about different experiences or perspectives on mental health, and to reconsider my own. “The thing that I love the most about the book is that hopefully whatever you’ve been through there will be something in there that speaks to you,” Scarlett shares with me.

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“What’s amazing is that everyone has a different piece that speaks to them – it’s not like there’s one piece that jumps out. Everyone finds something in a different essay, and that’s been making me very happy.” There are a huge amount of personal experiences to choose from – including one of my favourites from Professor Tanya Byron (‘Fabulous and F*cked Up’), Alastair Campbell, acclaimed writer Candice Carty Williams, mental health advocates Jonny Benjamin, Bryony Gordon, Poorna Bell, and singer Sam Smith, to name but a few. Each of the six chapters start with a piece by Scarlett, and she’s deeply generous in sharing the very low lows she’s encountered throughout her life to date, as well as giving hope to readers who might be in the middle of a similar episode themselves. Scarlett was told that she was “crazy” at the age of 17, and

encountered panic attacks that floored her, and left her unable to leave her home for the majority of the next two years. Diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD, Scarlett has worked hard to understand her mental illness, with therapists, medication, and by reading and developing her knowledge around mental illness. As a teenager, however, she recalls the sadness she felt initially when day-to-day activities felt beyond her. “I was 19 and trying to work on a project with my friend, and I realised I couldn’t get out of bed. “I just remember thinking, ‘Oh wow, this might be the rest of my life. I might never be able to participate in society in the way I thought I was going to.’ And actually, that’s OK. My life will be a different kind of life. “We’re obviously all told when we’re younger ‘you can be anything you want’ and ‘your options are limitless’, but as a >>>

Photography | Amelia Allen

teenager, I felt very limited. It took a lot for me to accept that, and understand I could still have an alright life, and that I was probably always going to have some of these issues.” Personal experiences like these, make her the perfect curator of this book, in addition to her vast writing experience. Having previously curated and contributed to Feminists Don’t Wear Pink (and other lies), writing for a plethora of publications including the Sunday Times, blogging, podcasting, and activism with a collective she co-founded, called The Pink Protest. This latest book is a piece of activism in its own right, sharing in-depth how it feels to live with mental illness. It also serves to promote understanding about mental “If you find Christmas hard, illness in people that’s not something to be who don’t have ashamed of. I know that there first-hand can be so much pressure to experience of enjoy it – but if you’re having living with them. a shit time, that’s OK. Get this “A lot of the book, hole up in your bedroom feedback that and wait for the week to pass – I’ve been getting because it will. It’s totally OK to is from people have a bad Christmas. who don’t have mental health “I’ve also found that sometimes, challenges. They when you’re having a tough say: ‘I’ve never time, giving back can really been through help. Google opportunities to mental illness, volunteer in your local area, but it’s helped me much that I there will always be something.” understand more.’” didn’t know. And the act of “I think the curating and compiling the essays main thing that really jumped out also deepened Scarlett’s own at me and was hammered home knowledge. by putting this book together was “I’ve been in therapy and a the male experience of mental mental health advocate for so health – how every single man many years, I almost thought that in the book talks about toxic I knew everything – but there’s so masculinity and pride and feeling

Scarlett shares...

I just remember thinking, ‘I might never be able to participate in society in the way I thought I was going to.’ And actually, that’s OK. My life will be a different kind of life

36 • happiful.com • December 2019

so ashamed to open up. I’d always sort of theoretically understood that, but I don’t think I ever fully understood it until reading those essays.” Continuing to develop her own knowledge around mental health, and campaigning for better understanding and support, is high on Scarlett’s agenda for

2020. She’s all too aware from her personal experience the impact that shame and stigma can have on reaching out for support. “When you look at some of the stats, I think it takes a young person on average 10 years to find appropriate treatment for their mental health, which is so ridiculous and just shouldn’t be the case,” she says. “And I keep saying, books like this actually shouldn’t even have to exist. The fact that this is for some people their primary source of support and help, if it was a physical illness, that would never be the case. You’d never say to someone with cancer, ‘Oh, go out and buy this book.’ I think that’s something that I really want to be looking into more.” When it comes to offering more support and information, the media plays a pivotal role and, based on recent stories, it seems there’s a long way to go. It’s been a tough couple of weeks for a number of reasons: dismissals around the impact of death threats and trolling of female MPs; sensationalism around suspected suicide; and the constant belittling of ‘a snowflake generation’ on daytime TV. “I think there are a lot of positives around mental health and illness, a lot more conversations happening,” Scarlett says. “But actually treatment and care and funding isn’t getting much better. And I think when you have people like Piers Morgan going on national TV, and dismissing someone like Greta Thunberg because of her mental health, it’s taking us back so many steps. “When I was Greta’s age, I felt like my mental illness meant I wouldn’t ever be able to work, and

‘It’s Not OK To Feel Blue (and other lies’) (Penguin, £14.99) is curated by Scarlett Curtis and available now. For every book sale, 10% of the RRP will be donated to the charity Shout, which is a 24/7 crisis text service. Anyone can text 85258 to be connected to a trained crisis volunteer who will chat by text.

would never be taken seriously. And honestly, if I’d seen him saying that when I was 15 years old, it would have broken me – it would have hurt so much. “When you’re talking about mental health,” Scarlett continues, “You have to think about the people around the country that are listening to that and using it for their own self-hatred, and to fuel their own belief that their mental illness is something to be ashamed of. “Anyone who’s ever had a mental illness will know, you already feel so much shame, you feel so much fear that you’re not going to be understood. You feel so much fear that you’re going to be dismissed by society.”

However, with every negative reaction and dismissal around mental health in the media, there is a counter reaction, and thousands upon thousands of people working to make positive change. The success of It’s Not OK to Be Blue (and other lies), the availability of support networks such as the free 24/7 textline provided by Shout, the presence of campaigns including Where’s Your Head At? and Every Mind Matters, are all working to make a difference and drown out the voices that can fuel shame and stigma. Because it is OK to be blue, it’s OK to be vulnerable, it’s OK to shout, and it’s OK to ask for help. December 2019 • happiful.com • 37

Photography | Svetlana Pochatun

“

The real gift of gratitude is that the more grateful you are, the more present you become

– ROBERT HOLDEN

The reality of loneliness We’re a society more connected than ever before and yet so many of us are feeling isolated. Yes, one thing’s for sure, while you might feel on your own, you’re definitely not alone in feeling lonely Writing | Becky Wright

t was previously thought to affect older generations primarily but, as we now know, loneliness is more commonplace than that. And, although it isn’t recognised as a mental health problem in itself, loneliness and our sense of wellbeing are strongly intertwined. As someone who has experienced loneliness, I know the toll it takes on your mental health and on your life in general. Indeed, we know that wellness is not merely the absence of illness – our happiness hinges on much more than that. To be truly happy, we need to feel connected. Whether that connection is to a person, an animal or with a cause, the importance of a sense of belonging should not be underestimated. Psychotherapist Brian Turner agrees. “As a species, we are programmed to be sociable creatures, to exchange our brilliance through ideologies and opinions. This is how we learn, develop, and find our place in society through the power of interconnections.” It’s having strong relationships with others that >>>

means we feel as though we are seen, heard, loved, supported and challenged. So, if we lose that sense of connection, there are bound to be implications. “If we are isolated (or feel isolated), that cerebral exchange can not occur, and that can make us feel withdrawn and have low self-esteem,” Brian says. A GENERATION GAP We know that human connections are integral to our sense of self yet, according to new research, it’s the social media generation – a generation with arguably more potential to make connections than any that have gone before – who feel most alone. Data from YouGov found that 30% of millennials “always or often feel lonely”, which is more than their Generation X and baby boomer counterparts. Just 20% of members in Gen X reported feeling lonely with the same frequency, with even fewer baby boomers (15%) saying the same. That’s not to say that younger people have a monopoly on feeling lonely. Of course, anyone of any age has the potential to feel a lack of connection to others. However, the general trend in feelings of loneliness, along with the direction that digital communication continues to take, suggests that there’s potential for future generations to feel increasingly lonely. WHAT DOES LONELINESS FEEL LIKE? When I started to explore my own feelings of loneliness, I came across a thought that stuck with me: ‘Loneliness is not the same as being alone.’ There are many reasons we can feel a lack of connection in our lives, and it

doesn’t necessarily have a direct correlation with spending time alone. But, as with any problem we face in life, it’s important to understand the root of the issue – only then can you address it. It’s possible to identify four distinct types of loneliness: emotional, social, situational, and chronic. Here we take a closer look at the different types to understand how this epidemic is affecting us today. • Social loneliness Feeling excluded or ostracised is the main reason for this type of loneliness – perhaps you have experienced some kind of rejection. This can leave a lasting impact, as you can begin to wonder who might reject you in the future.

We know that wellness is not merely the absence of illness – our happiness hinges on a lot more than that • Situational loneliness Most of us will recognise the feeling of being surrounded by unfamiliar faces, or not having an instant connection with others around us. Perhaps you’ve moved to a new city where you don’t know anyone, started at a new job, or at a new school. But it can also be likened to feelings of grief – that sense of longing you experience when you lose someone close.

• Emotional loneliness This can be one of the more difficult types of loneliness to understand, as emotional loneliness comes from within. Your feelings are not necessarily the result of losing someone, or moving – it’s not as circumstantial as that. One way to think of it is that something is missing from your life – rather than missing something you once had. Perhaps you are craving new friendships rather than longing for old ones. • Chronic loneliness Chronic loneliness is often a by-product of circumstance, although unlike situational loneliness it can go on for so long that it almost becomes a way of life. As a result, chronic loneliness, more than any other type, is closely linked with mental ill-health and unhappiness. It’s associated with depression, sleep problems and stress, and is thought to be as harmful to our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. HOW CAN WE OVERCOME LONELINESS? Experiencing loneliness can be a very isolating time. It can lead to a sense of ‘forgetting’ what we used to enjoy; forgetting our goals and not finding meaning in what we used to find meaningful before. And it can become a vicious cycle, particularly where your mental health is concerned. You may feel there’s nowhere to turn, or too scared to seek help. But there are things we can do to reclaim our sense of connection. Here, psychotherapist Brian shares some simple ways to combat loneliness.

1. Fight negative feelings with a positive engagement. This could be as easy as smiling and saying hello to someone you pass on the street – a simple act of kindness can boost endorphins, raise morale, and break the loneliness cycle. 2. B e curious and ask questions. This can be helpful if you find small talk difficult, or feel unable to make connections easily. Strive for short conversations that increase involvement and happiness. 3. Ditch the technology. Embrace the world around you through practising mindfulness or volunteering. 4. Social media is OK in moderation, but face-to-face interaction is more enriching. Going out and meeting

people can create a sense of commonality. 5. Make positive memories by doing memorable things and discovering new places. Why not make the trip to see a friend you haven’t seen for a while? Remember, loneliness is a feeling, not a permanent fixture in your life. Whether you feel lonely occasionally, have been feeling alone for a while, or it’s been present for a long time, there are steps you can take to increase your sense of connection with others. Brian Turner is a psychotherapist and hypnotherapist, who specialises in providing the best therapeutic care for anxiety-based conditions. You can find Brian and more information on counselling-directory.org.uk

Ask the experts Counsellor Sophie Spiegler answers your questions on loneliness Read more about Sophie on counselling-directory.org.uk

Grief

Break-ups

My dad died earlier this year. As it’s our first Christmas without him, I’m worried about my mum. She says she’s fine, but she’s not her usual self. How can I support her?

Me and my partner of eight years have recently separated. I’m dreading the festive season, especially the parties and social events. I just want to be alone, but I know that’s not really going to help me. What should I do?

Q A

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds like this is a difficult time, so I’m wondering if you had any traditions you did as a family that you could pay special attention to, with the intention of remembering the good times together? Supporting your mum, and yourself, might include finding a balance between allowing grief to be present, and sharing in joyful memories. You could invite wider friends and family round to join in the festivities and sharing the happy memories of your father. Let them know what you need in advance, so you can be clear about the support you want.

Q A

The festive period can be hard – balancing others’ expectations and the need to connect. Spending time with friends and family, with those who you feel you can be authentic and honest about your feelings with, is important. If you find you want to be alone, make sure you aren’t isolating yourself. Try to let in some of the joy of the season. If you find that the pressure to be sociable and engage with parties is too much, it’s important to honour your feelings. Perhaps give yourself small chunks of time to feel sad,

and practise some self-care. Only you can tune in to your own needs, and begin to ask how to get them met.

Counselling for loneliness Life changes

My partner has gone back to work after his paternity leave. I’m finding it really difficult being on my own, especially with the days so dark, and none of my friends have children. What can I do?

Having a baby can be a really difficult time, and the lack of sleep, community and regular routine can send the strongest of women to dark places. If you can get out of the house, there are lots of playgroups that will allow you to connect with other new mums. Perhaps a mum and baby yoga class will also support in helping your body to recover from pregnancy and birth. When you’ve met a few people, set up a WhatsApp or other message group to keep you connected, particularly for the days when getting out feels impossible. At the same time as connecting, give yourself permission to enjoy these days, and allow yourself to enter into the world of your baby. Let go of the pressure, and see if you can give yourself permission to rest and bond. Reaching out to family and friends to support you at this time, and letting them know what you need, can also really help. Counselling Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

journaling Five

techniques we swear by

Keeping a journal can help you to ease anxiety, boost self-esteem, and develop a more positive mindset – here’s how to get started... Writing | Kat Nicholls Illustrating | Rosan Magar

ands up who had a diary when they were younger? For me, keeping a diary was a lifeline in my teenage years while I was navigating the ups and downs of puberty, alongside mental health challenges. Although I don’t write ‘Dear diary’ anymore, journaling is still very much a part of my everyday routine. Journaling can help us document our days for posterity’s sake, or go deeper and help us unravel knotted thoughts and feelings. Research by Dr James Pennebaker, author of Opening Up by Writing It Down, revealed that journaling can help lower depression and anxiety, and even strengthen our immune system. Here, I want to share with you some journaling techniques that can help you to feel calmer, more in-tune with yourself, and support your mental health.

1 WRITE A LETTER

Letter writing can be incredibly powerful and versatile. If you have someone in your life you have unresolved issues with, or someone you want to forgive, try writing an unsent letter. The idea is to get everything you want to say out, without the need to confront the recipient. Another way to use this technique is to write a letter to your past or future self. Writing to your past self can help you connect with your inner child, offering words of wisdom, and giving you a chance to see how far you’ve come. Writing to your future self can be a beautiful way of uncovering what you want your future to look like.

2 WRITE THREE THINGS YOU’VE DONE WELL, EVERY DAY This is a technique I’ve picked up from the Positive Planner journal (thepositiveplanners.com). In the journal there’s a prompt to note

down three things you’ve done well every day. We so rarely stop to think about what we’re achieving, and this is a simple way you can practise this to build self-esteem. Recognising small wins, and challenging yourself to think about yourself positively, can change your mindset. Over time you’ll find the exercise easier, and notice how many things you’re already doing brilliantly.

3 NOTE WHAT YOU’RE GRATEFUL FOR

Our brains are wired to remember negative experiences more so than positive ones. This means we have to work harder to intentionally focus on the positives.

Noting down what you’re grateful for helps you get in to the habit of recognising the positives, and makes you more aware of the good things in life

Noting down what you’re grateful for helps you get into the habit of recognising the positives, and makes you more aware of the good things in life. Try writing about one thing you’re grateful for every day.

4 KEEP A WORRY JOURNAL

This is especially useful if you struggle with anxiety. Every time a worry comes into your mind, write it down in a notebook. Then, allocate a certain time in your day as ‘worry time’ when you can come back and address the worry. But in the meantime, try to get on with your day. When ‘worry time’ arrives, spend some time journaling about the worry. Is there anything you can do about it? If so, note down your action plan. If there isn’t anything you can do, see if you can find a way of letting the worry go.

5 TRY MORNING PAGES

This technique is recommended in Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. The idea is to write three pages every morning, before you start your

day. You can write anything and everything that comes into your head. No one else will read it, so try to be as free as possible with expressing yourself. The aim is to help calm your mind, gain some clarity, and tap into your creativity before getting on with your daily tasks. These are just a few examples to get you started – see what resonates with you. The beauty of journaling is that there’s no wrong way to do it. If you come away feeling calmer and more in tune with yourself, you’re on the right track. If you find the writing side of journaling difficult, but are keen to get your thoughts and feelings out, try using the voice note app on your phone to talk it out. To take things a step further, you may want to consider talking to a counsellor. Therapy can help you gain self-awareness, and you don’t have to be struggling with your mental health to utilise it. Many people go to therapy to get a better understanding of themselves and their behaviour. Learn more at counselling-directory.org.uk

“

When you are kind to others, it not only changes you, it changes the world – HAROLD KUSHNER

Photography | Ib Wira Dyatmika

46 • happiful.com • November 2019

TRUE LIFE

My parents abandoned me, but that made me a stronger person in the end Andrew first learned the story of his traumatic childhood at the age of 21, and he was surprised he’d survived. Here he reveals how life lessons from his grandmother, and a passion for dance, brought him safely to adulthood Writing | Andrew Yang

grew up as an only child, cared for by my grandmother. We were a team. We drove each other nuts, but we always knew we had a deep, underlying love for one another. I first learned the story of my childhood from her when I was 21. She had waited until then – when I came home after graduating from university – because she felt story could have been too disturbing for me when I was younger. I’m happy she did. Given the circumstances, I’m surprised I wasn’t orphaned or dead by the time I got to be three months old.

I was born to an immigrant South Korean mother, who had been brought to Canada by my grandmother and dad in 1988. Shortly after arriving, my mom and dad got married, and I was born in December that year. Although, just before I was born, they divorced. I lived with my mother for a month, but things started to get messy. Being a single mother, newly arrived in a foreign country, finances were tight and our living conditions very poor. So my grandmother ‘kidnapped’ me. But a police SWAT team surrounded her place and took me back to my mother. It was a couple

of months later that my mother realised she couldn’t afford to raise me, and legal custody was given to my grandmother and my dad. When I was three, my dad decided to leave us for a ‘job’ (it later turned out to be a woman) in California, leaving sole legal custody to my grandmother – a 70-yearold seamstress who could barely make ends meet. My grandmother and I would end up spending the next 13 years together in the suburbs of Ontario. Looking back, I developed a deep fear of abandonment, and separation anxiety. I remember constantly asking myself: ‘Why does

everyone else have a mom and dad? Why did they leave? Is there something wrong with me?’ This would be a mystery growing up, and it still haunts me to this day. I didn’t have much as I grew up. We were close to poverty, so we had to move around a lot, and I never really got to form meaningful relationships or have many friends. My grandmother was always very strict with me, keeping me sheltered, and forcing me to work and study hard – she didn’t want me growing up to be like my dad. The fear of rejection, and my lack of confidence, made it very hard for me at school. >>> December 2019 • happiful.com • 47

When you don’t conform, teens can be such jerks sometimes, and I ended up being bullied. One of my teachers even threw my books and pens on the floor for not paying attention, and made the entire class laugh at me. I never really told anyone about this stuff then. I just thought this was life.

After discovering dance, Andrew’s life was changed forever

Andrew (right) with his Grandma (left) and aunt (centre)

Being able to move my entire body, to music that means so much to me, is a deep feeling that I wish I could express more vividly in words Throughout my teens, I lived in fear for my life. I had suicidal thoughts almost every day. But I told myself that I could not give in. I think my grandmother indirectly gave me hope, that when we hit obstacles in our lives there are always two paths we can take – give up, or persevere. I chose

48 • happiful.com • December 2019

the latter. So I kept going until high school was over. But in the summer of 2006, my perseverance was tested again. I was about to go to university, when I found out that my close cousin had completed suicide. The emotions that flowed through me, I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I decided

I needed a fresh start. It wasn’t the city I was living in, or the school I went to. It was the people around me, and the reputation I had for myself. I couldn’t be in this environment. So technically, I did give up, but I did it with an objective. Go to university, rebuild my life from the ground up, and treat people the way I wanted to be treated. Support those who are facing challenges, and give them the motivation to keep on going. It was at this point that I came across a YouTube video of someone dancing. Their entire body was fluid, as if the music and body were one. So I started copying some of

the moves, and practised every day. I eventually got better and better at it, and at Queen’s University in Kingston, Ontario, I fell in with a crew of hiphop and breakdancers at the orientation event. I decided to hop in and show a few moves. I was pretty bad, but I really enjoyed it, and seeing the smiles on people’s faces really brought one to mine. I had found a passion. My newfound friends and I decided to start a hip-hop dance club called FLOW, that held classes, organised live shows, and taught the true meaning of hip-hop culture and what it stood for.

We each have our own story to share, and we all have something to learn from others

I fell in love with it so much that it took me to the early stages of the So You Think You Can Dance Canada TV show in 2009, and as an opener for the rock band Hedley when they were on tour in 2008. I was getting better and better, my classes were getting larger and larger. More people looked up to me. I was having an influence on peoples’ lives. Dance saved me from the trauma and horrors of my life. I felt like I had accomplished a mission. I always wondered what it felt like to be truly passionate about something so much that you didn’t fear to express it. That all that mattered in

that moment in time was you. That’s the feeling I felt with dance. Being able to move my entire body, to music that means so much to me, is a deep feeling that I wish I could express more vividly in words. I left university in 2011 with a degree in mathematics. I graduated as one of the more popular kids in school, and FLOW eventually became the largest hiphop recreational dance club in the city. But more importantly, I developed lifelong and deep, meaningful friendships, with good people, and we helped push each other further every day. Even better, I found my confidence.

Today, fresh into my 30s, I use my solitude, confidence, and perseverance, as a freelance marketing architect in the beautiful city of Toronto, and I continue to dance as a passion. Dance has helped me during the best and the worst times of my life. It’s the closest thing that I can call my own. We each have our own story to share, and we all have something to learn from others. It’s OK to be vulnerable, especially as a man, and I thank all the incredible women in my life for teaching me this. As traumatic as the memories will always be, I’ve become a stronger human because of it. There is a silver lining to everything in life. We have to learn to live our lives incomplete. No human being on the planet is perfect. Learn not to take people for granted, to be kind to others because you never know what they may have gone through, but don’t allow people to take advantage of you. At the end of the day, the person you

have to truly love and trust first is yourself. When you achieve true independence, and can give back to those who are near and dear to you – like I do with my grandmother – then meaning has been truly fulfilled in your life.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Andrew survived the most challenging of circumstances, from his very youngest days, right through his teens – situations he may still be coming to terms with today. Importantly though, Andrew realised he had a choice. After another traumatic event he decided to take action – reach out to others with similar interests, get involved. This proved a turning point for Andrew. Though it felt like vulnerability, Andrew found the strength to open up to possibilities of friendship, creativity and support. Clearly gifted, Andrew continues to share what he has learnt, and lives as the person he always truly was inside. Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach

December 2019 • happiful.com • 49

Put it down in words Spread some festive cheer with our Christmas cards

Christmas is the perfect time to take a moment to appreciate the people in our lives who brighten it on the dark days, and who are our cheerleaders on the good ones.

Go to shop.happiful.com to download!

There’s nothing quite like the feeling of receiving a handwritten card. From the address carefully printed on the front of the envelope to the warm well wishes inside, each detail comes together to tell the receiver that you really care. When we send a Christmas card, we’re creating a physical reminder of the love and appreciation that we feel for one another. All this considered, it will come as no surprise that a poll by Oxfam found that Brits prefer receiving a Christmas card over a text or email. But what’s really special is that one in 10 respondents said that getting a Christmas card made them feel less alone. This year, we’ve got a selection of unique Christmas cards created just for you, by talented artist Becky Johnston. It’s not always easy to find the words for the things that we want to say to others. Take a mindful moment to reflect on the things that you have learned about, and shared with this person throughout the year. Tune into the sensation of your pen moving over the card, and let the words flow naturally. Spread some joy this year. And, from the whole Happiful team, have a very merry Christmas!

Key Score and fold Cut Glue

A letter from

me to you

Cancer is perhaps one of the hardest things that a person can go through, and without the support of friends and family, the burden of the illness is made all the worse. But thanks to hundreds of letters and a very special friendship, there’s now a charity bringing comfort to those undergoing treatment – and using the power of the written word, we can all get involved

Photography | Top right: Peter Clark

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

hen Brian Greenley was diagnosed with bowel cancer in 2010, he and Alison Hitchcock were simply acquaintances. “I didn’t know him very well at all, and I think I just felt very awkward when he told me,” Alison explains. “I didn’t know what to say because he wasn’t a close friend, so I wasn’t going to be going round to see him, because I didn’t really know him. So I made a bizarre offer…” Alison began writing letters to Brian throughout his treatment, sitting down every other week to fill him in on the things she’d seen. In moments of huge emotional and physical strain, Alison’s letters offered Brian an escape. What began as a heartwarming story of friendship and

compassion, spiralled into From Me to You – a charity that encourages people to write letters to loved ones and strangers with cancer. So how did it happen? We spoke to Alison to find out.

Putting pen to paper

Following her offer, and with no real experience in letter writing, Alison began penning regular letters to Brian. “My aim was to make him laugh,” says Alison. “I used to write about things I would see, or that would happen to me, and then I would always put a bit of a comedy slant on them. I never used to write about his cancer because I didn’t know anything, and I didn’t feel like I knew him well enough to be asking too much.” Alison’s letters were a welcome distraction, opening up the rest of the world to Brian at a time >>>

Brian and Alison’s story began in 2010

er of letters overed the pow Alison soon disc

December 2019 • happiful.com • 55

when his own was consumed by intensive treatment. Later, Brian told Alison that he would save her letters to take to his chemotherapy sessions and, when he was alone, he would read them. “Brian had a big circle of friends and family, but he felt very isolated when he had cancer,” says Alison. “Partly because there were people who drifted away from him, because they didn’t know what to say. But also, he isolated himself because he couldn’t bear other people’s pity. “Then his cancer moved to stage four, and I kept writing,” Alison continues. “After about three years – by then I had written him more than 100 letters – he was finally given the all-clear. “And then we got back to our normal lives. But my normal life had changed quite dramatically in the course of writing to him.”

A first-class idea

Since writing the letters, Alison had discovered a love for writing that led her to enrol in an MA in creative writing. Beyond that, Alison and Brian had nurtured an incredible friendship – Brian was the only man on Alison’s hen weekend – and theirs was a story that caught the attention of Radio 4’s The Listening Project, leading the pair to tell their tale to the entire nation. Following this, someone got in touch with Alison to ask whether they could use her idea, and write to a friend with cancer. “A week later they contacted me and said: ‘I don’t know what to say.’ That was when I thought, ‘OK, this is what we should do with our letter story,’” says Alison. Alison and Brian founded From Me to You, utilising the 56 • happiful.com • December 2019

You can hold them, and touch them. I think that has quite a lot to do with it, it’s a physical object power of the written word and human connections. According to Macmillan Cancer Support, one in four people will experience social isolation throughout their treatment – and for Alison and Brian, addressing this huge problem was at the top of their list. They began running letter-writing workshops, and posting advice online about how to write to friends and family. “It’s very accessible to write a card or a letter,” says Alison. “Later, people were coming to our workshops and saying that they wanted to write letters, but they didn’t know anyone with cancer. That’s when we started ‘Donate a Letter’.” A service where anyone can submit a letter to be sent out to someone living with cancer, ‘Donate a Letter’ is about reducing isolation with the simple art of letter writing. Once signed up online, From Me to You send a letter-writing kit with tips on getting started, sample letters, and stationary, and from there you can begin your letterwriting journey.

Word to the wise

Different from emails and text messages, Alison avidly believes that there is a special power in letters. She recalls how when she would write to Brian, she created a ritual where she would sit down on her sofa, when she was home alone

kshops letter-writing wor The charity hosts

JOIN THE FROM ME TO YOU CHRISTMAS CARD CAMPAIGN This year, From Me to You will be distributing cards to people who are going through cancer treatment over the Christmas period. To take part, head to frommetoyouletters.co.uk to find tips on writing your card, and then post it to: Donate A Letter PO Box 71038 London W4 9HD Make sure your card is sealed in an envelope, and posted by 16 December. in the evening, and just let the words flow onto the paper. Writing them was a mindful experience for her and, beyond that, she sees how the love and attention that goes into the letter is felt long after it comes out the envelope. “You can hold them, and touch them. I think that has quite a lot to do with it – it’s a physical object,” says Alison. “You also know that the person has had to put some

time in to writing the letter, getting the stamp and posting it – that’s not as easy as sending a text or email.” As Alison explains, letters live on with us. We pick them up and re-read them, or we leave them to one side and then catch them out the corner of our eye, and remember the care and attention they represent.

Signing off

“People want to be reminded of the things that we all have in

common, and that we all enjoy,” says Alison. “Christmas can be a really difficult time for people with cancer. If you know someone, just send them a Christmas card and tell them that you are thinking of them, and don’t shy away from that because you think that they may not be having a Christmas that is as jolly as yours.” Reaching out to others really is as easy as that. And if Alison and Brian’s story tells us anything, it’s that there is huge power to be

had in the simplest interactions. Kind words have the ability to pick us up, even through the most challenging times. “Write about the things that we all have in common – food, pets, family,” is Alison’s advice. “That’s what connects us all, and that’s what you’re hoping the letter will do: make a connection.” Find out more about From Me to You, and how you can get involved by visiting frommetoyouletters.co.uk December 2019 • happiful.com • 57

How to talk to a partner with

low self-esteem What can you do when the person you love, doesn’t love themselves? It can be quite a challenge, but here are some tips to help you provide the words of comfort and support they need Writing | Fiona Thomas Illustrating | Rosan Magar

f you’ve ever looked in the mirror and disliked the person looking back at you, then you’ve experienced low self-esteem. It isn’t necessarily related to your physical self — although having poor body image can cause negative thoughts — but it’s

intrinsically linked to how you value yourself as a person. People with self-esteem issues often neglect to take care of themselves. They may refuse to go shopping for new clothes, or fail to maintain good personal hygiene. They could be unknowingly

sabotaging relationships, or other aspects of their life, because they feel undeserving of happiness. Being in a relationship with someone who has low self-esteem can be tough. Here are some suggestions on how to talk to them, to try to support them:

1 REMAIN AUTONOMOUS

First of all, accept that you are not there to ‘fix’ your partner. Their self-esteem has to come from doing things that make them happy. Relying on an external source for that happiness means that the selfesteem created is very fragile, and that doesn’t really solve the problem. Independent self-esteem is strong, and won’t crumble under pressure.

2 AVOID FLIPPANT COMPLIMENTS

According to trainee counselling psychologist Sanjivan Parhar, there are two versions of self-esteem. There is an external version, that may appear happy and confident. Then there’s the internal, more authentic version. Compliments often feed the external version, but fail to address deeper concerns. For example, if your partner says they want to lose weight, your gut reaction might be to compliment their appearance, but this can feel dismissive. “Ask your partner what it is that they’re unhappy with at this moment,” says Sanjivan. “Validate these negative feelings and let them feel heard. Then you can move on to offer a positive opinion about how they look.” Try not to say things like ‘You’re fine the way you are’, or ‘Don’t worry about it’, as this doesn’t give them space to express how they feel.

3 HELP THEM TO SEE A NEW PERSPECTIVE

Most of us live with an internal dialogue. You may not even notice it, but it can form the basis about how you feel about yourself. For example, someone who struggles to be good

at football might internalise the idea that they are terrible at all sports – so much so that they begin to believe it. The reality of the situation might be that they are still learning, recovering from a physical injury, or maybe just better suited to another sport entirely. It’s very easy to take what your inner critic says as fact instead of opinion. What’s helpful in this situation is to acknowledge another perspective. For example, if you have an inner voice saying that you’re unattractive, acknowledge this, but then look at yourself from an outsider’s perspective. What would a friend say? Encourage your partner to stop comparing themselves to others (whether it’s in real life or on social media) as this can reinforce the negative voice that says they’re not good enough.

4 ENCOURAGE PRACTISING SELF-LOVE

It can be heartbreaking to be deeply in love with someone who you know to be a wonderful person, only to watch them constantly hate themselves. Try to encourage your partner to take care of themselves by doing the things that truly make them happy. It could be going out for a meal, meeting up with friends, or picking up a hobby that has fallen by the wayside. Sanjivan says that true self-love emanates from “developing your own authentic, true self, outside of a relationship, friends, or family”.

Finding someone who you can share your vulnerability with is something to strive for, not avoid 5 DON’T WALK ON EGGSHELLS

It can be tempting to filter what you say, to ensure you never offend a sensitive partner. While you don’t want to antagonise them, avoiding certain issues could do more harm than good. People with low self-esteem are hyper-vigilant to anything that will confirm the negative thoughts they’re already having, so censoring yourself can lead to tension when difficult topics arise. “Instead of getting defensive or disengaging, try to explore what it is you’ve said that caused upset,” suggests Sanjivan. “Give them a chance to explain the meaning they have inferred. Then you can explain what you actually meant.” Instead of avoiding tricky conversations, this actually encourages a more open line of communication, and should help them to find a new perspective. “It’s a way of facilitating an environment where people are comfortable in relationships to show their vulnerability. Finding someone who you can share your vulnerability with is something to strive for, not avoid,” says Sanjivan. Fiona is a freelance writer and author, whose book, ‘Depression in a Digital Age’, is out now. Visit fionalikestoblog.com for more. December 2019 • happiful.com • 59

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TRUE LIFE

Pay it forward! Helping other people has changed my life After years on an emotional rollercoaster, Chloe finally learnt that she had borderline personality disorder. The diagnosis spurred her to help others, and to dedicate herself to ending the stigma of mental illness Writing | Chloe Sunnucks

have always been a little different. I was always the strange one – which is something I have now learnt to love, but back then, growing up, it was something I despised. I was regularly told by teachers that I was ‘too sensitive’. They were right, I was a very emotional child, and I haven’t been able to handle my emotions very well throughout my life. I was regularly bullied at school, too. I had this desperation to be liked, and would do anything to be popular. One person picked up on this, and we ended up in a very toxic relationship for three years.

This individual picked on my insecurities to make themselves feel better. I was regularly told that no one would love me, and that no one else would put up with me being an emotional wreck. Although I was a healthy weight for my height, I was told I was fat, ugly, and disgusting. Those comments stay with you. But the desperation to be liked overpowered the negative comments and behaviour. I stayed with this person through a lot more than I should, and heard a lot of things no person should hear. I had a lot of strange and dark thoughts throughout puberty, which I put down to hormones. But

going into my early 20s, I still had these emotions. I would have days where I didn’t want to get out of bed. I had no motivation at all, just this chronic feeling of emptiness. There was a pit of nothingness in my stomach that I couldn’t describe. I hadn’t heard of anyone else having these thoughts and feelings – it just felt alien to me. I decided to go to the doctor, even though I felt absolutely ridiculous about it. I was put on antidepressants, but I still didn’t understand why I was feeling the way I was. So, I did what I was told, and took the medication, although it didn’t make things any better.

Fast forward two years, to 2016, and I was living on my own after the breakdown of a relationship and a lot of other changes. I now know that change is a trigger for me, which makes sense of the next part of my story. I was struggling to be on my own at this point. From the outside I was the life and soul of the party, constantly out drinking with my new friends. My motto was: ‘Why overthink, when you can overdrink?’ You wouldn’t have had any idea what thoughts were in my head at that point. The chronic emptiness had taken over, and I would regularly spend evenings >>> December 2019 • happiful.com • 61

Seeing the difference I’m making is a feeling I just can’t describe. A smile is infectious, so let’s get the world infected! alone, just staring into space for hours. I began self-harming, just so that I could feel something. Eventually a friend intervened, after noticing the marks, and took me to the hospital. I was terrified of what the outcome was going to be. I didn’t want them to think I was some kind of mad woman, but deep down I knew I needed help. However, the response I got was that I was just a ‘little bit sad at the moment’. I was still none the wiser about what was going on in my head, and it seemed that no one wanted to help. It felt like professionals were always looking for the quickest solution to get me out of their consultation room. By July 2017, I was in a new relationship, with a very supportive partner, but things had still been very strange. One moment I would be in an incredibly positive mood, full of childlike excitement, then suddenly I would just crash into an unbearable low. My boyfriend

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encouraged me to visit the GP again, although I was very hesitant after my previous experiences. But I went in the end, and I’m so glad I did.

Chloe won the ‘Loose Women’ Lighten the Load Hero Award at the Mind Media Awards in 2018

Finally, someone who was a medical professional was actually listening to me, and wanted to know more about what I was feeling. After years of having conflicting emotions, and not understanding my own brain, I finally got the chance I needed – I was

referred to my community mental health team. After speaking to them, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). The best way to describe BPD, is like being an emotional burns victim. The thick skin you are supposed to have just isn’t

there, so you feel your emotions a lot more than the average person. The moment I received the diagnosis, it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. The more research I did, the more it made sense. That was when I started to dedicate my time to changing people’s views on mental health, and trying to make a change in the world. I learnt that a lot of people around me were also suffering. For a long time, I was naive about how many people in my life were being affected by mental health issues. I have lost family members and friends to mental

CARE AT CHRISTMAS CAMPAIGN In 2018, Chloe’s campaign delivered more than 100 cards to those in psychiatric care over the festive period. This year the project is looking to send cards to people from all walks of life, from care homes to psychiatric wards. To get involved, send an email to theditzyunicorn@gmail.com Find out more and help pay it forward by searching ‘the Ditzy Unicorn Project’ on Facebook.

illness in the past couple of years, but I won’t allow it to happen again! In April 2018 I launched the Ditzy Unicorn Project to encourage people to pay kindness forward. One thing I have discovered is that small actions have a huge impact. So, I leave little gifts of happiness for people to find, and when they do, they have to pay the good deed forward. The project is completely non-profit, with all money from fundraising events or donations going directly to mental health charities. Last Christmas saw the launch of my Care at Christmas campaign, which was supported by the team at Happiful. The aim of the campaign was to get Christmas cards delivered to people who were in psychiatric care over the festive period. Just receiving the cards, seeing how much people wanted to help and show they cared, was incredibly heartwarming.

This year I am continuing to hold fundraising events for mental health charities, and am launching a variety of projects. I feel that we are slowly beating the stigma around mental health, and now it’s time to tackle what happens next. The world is a much better place when we all share a little bit of kindness, and take the time to check in with those close to us. Helping other people, and sharing my knowledge and experiences with people, has changed my life. I’ve met so many incredible people, and seeing the difference I’m making is a feeling I just can’t describe. A smile is infectious, so let’s get the world infected! You never know, that one good deed you do could be the single thing that could turn someone’s day around. As the ancient Greek storyteller Aesop said: “No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.”

Chloe organised packages of letters and magazines to be sent to those in psychiatric wards

You never know, that one good deed you do could be the single thing that could turn someone’s day around OUR EXPERT SAYS Chloe’s heartwarming story evidences that with support from people who truly care, and the correct professional help, a positive outcome can be reached. To live with BPD is not easy, however, it

can be managed and you do have the opportunity to flourish just as Chloe has. Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred) Counsellor and psychotherapist

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Brussel-ling up something good Three recipes to up your sprout game, and leave your guests green with envy Writing | Ellen Hoggard

ike Marmite, sprouts will divide families. But whether you love them or hate them, it’s likely you’ll have one or two slipped onto your plate to accompany your Christmas dinner. Personally, I’m very much in the ‘sprout love camp’, and I want to encourage you to be brave and give our little green friends another chance. There are so many ways to introduce these small but nutritious vegetables into your meals. Here we have three ways to use sprouts – from the most simple, but delicious recipe, to the more adventurous and, frankly, genius Brussels sprout pesto. Give them a go this Christmas and beyond – sprouts are too good to be around just once a year.

GIVE THEM A GO THIS CRIMBO!

ROAST SPROUTS, APPLES AND PANCETTA Serves 8 • 800g Brussels sprouts • 3 Cox apples • 140g pancetta • Olive oil • Fresh rosemary Method Heat the oven to 200 degrees, gas mark 6. In a pan of boiling water, cook the sprouts for 2–3 minutes until tender. Drain and set aside. Slice the apples and in a large roasting tin, toss the apples and sprouts with olive oil. Scatter over the pancetta and sprigs of rosemary. Roast for 30–35 minutes, stirring halfway through. Serve when the pancetta is crisp.

SIMPLE SPROUTS Serves 4 • 450g Brussels sprouts • 600ml water • 1 tsp salt • 3 tbsp Extra Virgin olive oil • Black pepper Method Put the salt and water to a saucepan, and bring to a boil. Add the sprouts and cover for one minute. Remove the lid and cook for a further 3–6 minutes until the sprouts are cooked through, but still have a bite. Drain. Heat the olive oil in the pan, rolling the sprouts until covered. Season with salt and pepper. Taste and serve.

BRUSSELS SPROUT PESTO Serves 2 • 250g Brussels sprouts, sliced • 1 garlic clove • 40g hazelnuts • 25g Parmesan cheese • Olive oil • Lemon juice • Salt and pepper to season • Optional: fresh pasta to serve Method • Heat the oven to 180 degrees, gas mark 4. Toast the hazelnuts for 10–15 minutes. Cool and remove the skins (you can usually rub them off). Add the nuts to a blender or food processor. Pulse until finely ground. Add the sprouts, Parmesan, garlic and a squeeze of lemon juice. Pulse until ground. • Slowly add the olive oil, blending until smooth. Pour in a small bowl and season to taste. Serve with fresh pasta. Delicious.

OUR EXPERT SAYS… Sprouts are closely related to kale and cauliflower, and are the perfect accompaniment to many winter dishes. They pack a hefty nutritional punch too – high in fibre, low in calories, and full of vitamins K, C and A. Roast Sprouts, Apples and Pancetta I would always try to steam the sprouts as it preserves more nutrients. The apple brings additional sweetness and fibre, making the dish more filling. Simple Sprouts The flavour of the sprouts will really be enhanced by the simple seasoning and olive oil. For a different texture, try slicing the cooked sprouts before they sauté in the oil. For an extra kick, add some dried chilli flakes. Brussels Sprout Pesto This is a great recipe, and no one will know sprouts are the key ingredient! It’s bursting with goodness from the hazelnuts and olive oil. Both contain vitamin E, which is great for the immune system. Use an Extra Virgin olive oil for a greater flavour, and a better nutritional profile. All of these recipes can be made vegetarian or vegan with some simple alternatives. Substitute the pancetta for vegan ham or some walnuts. Swap parmesan cheese for a vegan hard cheese, and use vegan spread instead of butter.

Find a nutritionist near you at nutritionist-resource.org.uk

Susan Hart is a nutrition coach and speaker. As well as delivering healthy eating advice to individuals, Susan hosts regular workshops and runs vegan cooking classes. Find out more at nutrition-coach.co.uk

Inflamm Bowel Disease 10 things you need to know about

With Crohn’s and Colitis UK Awareness week around the corner, we separate fact from fiction and give you the lowdown on inflammatory bowel disease – a condition that an estimated 300,000 individuals live with in the UK Writing | Jenna Farmer

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atory 2.

IT’S PROVEN TO IMPACT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT POO

When people think about inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) – the umbrella term for Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis – they tend to only consider the digestive symptoms, which include stomach pain, bleeding when you go to the loo, and diarrhoea. While these can be debilitating, IBD actually goes far beyond this. The disease can impact almost every part of your body, with extra-intestinal

manifestations including eye problems, painful joints, skin issues, and mouth ulcers. One common symptom is fatigue, impacting up to 72% of patients when flaring, and still affecting a third of people even when they’re in remission. Fatigue is a symptom that’s difficult to fully explain; it goes far beyond regular tiredness and, however long you sleep, the feeling still remains. Yet, because of this, many IBD sufferers find themselves being labelled as lazy and unmotivated – when this could not be further from the truth!

It’s thought that those with IBD are twice as likely to experience anxiety, and are at an increased risk of postnatal mental health issues, too. There are potentially many reasons for this: being diagnosed with any longterm illness can be difficult to cope with, but the nature of IBD’s symptoms can also make socialising difficult, with sufferers embarrassed to share the reality of their condition. That’s why considering the mental health of IBD patients should be just as important as considering physical symptoms. >>>

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THERE’S NO CURE

Many individuals with IBD are lucky enough to go through periods of remission, but there’s currently no cure. However, things like surgery, and a range of medications, can make it manageable, and possible to live a full life.

DIAGNOSIS CAN BE A LONG JOURNEY

While more than 300,000 people have been diagnosed with IBD in the UK, chances are the number of people living with it is probably far higher, since it can remain misdiagnosed for many years. IBD can be difficult to diagnose, as a colonoscopy is the best way to confirm the condition, but without this some patients might be initially diagnosed with the less serious condition of irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).

IT’S VERY DIFFERENT FROM IBS Talking of IBS, it’s worth knowing that while there might be only one letter difference between them, IBS and IBD are worlds apart in many respects. IBS can of course be debilitating, but unlike IBD it doesn’t cause any ulceration or inflammation, meaning it doesn’t usually need treating with medication or surgery.

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A HEALTHY DIET CAN HELP – BUT IT’S NOT A CURE We all know the importance of nutrition when it comes to our gut health but, unfortunately, it’s not so simple in the case of IBD. Many find a change in diet can help reduce symptoms, but what works for one, does not work for all. “Everyone is very different in the way IBD behaves, and what you can eat will vary depending on phases of disease,” explains Dr Sammie Gill (@GutDocSam on Twitter), a registered dietitian who specialises in gut health. “There is no specific diet that can prevent or treat IBD, but there may be some foods that patients are sensitive to, such as alcohol, spices, caffeine, or large amounts of nuts, seeds or raw vegetables, and fruits with skins,” Dr Gill adds. Keeping a food diary and working with a dietitian may be beneficial.

STOMAS SHOULD BE CELEBRATED Some people with IBD are given a stoma (an opening that diverts your poo into a special bag, allowing the small intestine or colon to heal). While some stomas are temporary, many live permanently with them, and find they change their lives for the better. Unfortunately, stomas can be perceived as embarrassing or disgusting – with controversy sparked last year when stomas were pictured on cigarette packs to discourage smoking, and the colon cancer risk that comes with it. Yet, for many, this procedure massively increases their quality of life, and users are campaigning to normalise them. “Electing to live with a permanent stoma was by far the best decision I’ve ever made,” explains Shell Lawes, who chronicles her life with a stoma on her Instagram page,

Many find a change in diet can help reduce symptoms, but what works for one, does not work for all

Show your support for #PurpleFriday on 6 December, as people wear purple clothes for Crohn’s & Colitis UK @stomainateacup. “My stoma gives me freedom I never had when IBD had its grip on me. I am not ashamed of my stoma, I respect it, and life has vastly improved with it,” she adds.

PATIENTS ARE IN GOOD COMPANY! IBD is more common than you think, and the condition doesn’t discriminate when it comes to who it affects. Magician Dynamo, Olympian Steve Redgrave, and England cricketer Jack Leach (whose glasses-cleaning action in the middle of a nail-biting Ashes Test went viral) are all part of the exclusive IBD club.

IT’S AN INVISIBLE DISABILITY Don’t judge a book by its cover! Many IBD patients might look the picture of health, which means they can even be accused of faking it when it comes to using a disabled loo. Accessing disabled toilets is vital for things like changing colostomy bags and avoiding accidents, but a general awareness of this is lacking. However, change is coming; the charity Crohn’s & Colitis UK recently successfully campaigned for five supermarkets to alter their disabled toilet signs to explain that not all disabilities are visible.

10.

IBD CAN MASSIVELY IMPACT RELATIONSHIPS Along with its physical symptoms, it’s worth knowing that IBD

can also significantly impact relationships. The chances are you probably know someone with the condition – whether it’s a friend, colleague, family member, or partner. Communication issues can be a problem; those with IBD can find it difficult to explain why they can’t attend social gatherings, while symptoms can lead to fear of leaving the house, and can affect patients’ sex lives and body image.

Find out more about IBD at crohnsandcolitis.org.uk. Crohn’s and Colitis Awareness week is 1–7 December. Jenna Farmer is a freelance health writer and nutritional therapist. She has Crohn’s disease and blogs about her journey to improve gut health at abalancedbelly.co.uk

Reclaim your personal space As much as you care about friends and family, the social pressures and obligations around the festive season can sometimes feel overwhelming. If you’re in need of a breather, here are some ideas to help you make some much-needed ‘me-time’ Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

SWITCH TO SHOPPING FROM HOME

We’ve all been there: leaving things a little late, allowing the anxiety about finding ‘the perfect gift’ to grow. But that plan to pop to the shop for a few quiet minutes by yourself – have you completely forgotten the chaos that is likely to ensue? To avoid being overwhelmed by the crowds, switch things up and do your shopping from home. Put on a pair of headphones, and turn up some soothing tracks as you browse and click. Just remember to check delivery dates as you go!

GET BACK TO NATURE

Nipping outside for a breath of fresh air can have a bigger impact than you might think. Spending time in nature can help both your physical and mental wellbeing, reducing feelings of stress while promoting relaxation. If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed, try to get outside and have a moment to yourself. Taking a walk can help clear your mind, let you refocus, and help you recognise if anything in particular is impacting your mood.

CREATE A TO-DO LIST

It may sound like just another thing to fit into your already hectic schedule, but creating a to-do list (and sticking to it) can be one of the most effective ways to decrease your stress levels. Getting everything down in one place can help you to prioritise, decide what to say ‘no’ to, and, most importantly, block some much-needed downtime.

LET GO OF PERFECTION

During big events, it can often feel like you’re responsible for making sure everyone else is happy. Let’s be frank here: will the whole festive season be ruined if you forget the ‘right’ food, gift, or

playlist? It’s not what you have during the festive season that matters, it’s who you spend it with. If you’re feeling the pressure to create a perfect celebration, try to share the load, and let go of control on a few aspects.

PRACTISE MINDFULNESS

Mindfulness is all about helping you reconnect with your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. It can help you to feel calmer, while improving your overall wellbeing. Try writing in a journal at a set time each day, or focusing on deep, steady breathing as you do chores. Reconnecting with how you feel, can help you get ready to face the pressures over the festive period.

“

It’s beyond a tragedy... It’s a crisis Doctor-turned-comedian and writer, Adam Kay’s first book, This Is Going To Hurt, shed light on the stress, strain, and strange happenings during his time as a junior doctor. Now, he’s sharing the highs and lows of yuletides on hospital wards. But unlike Santa, the high pressure for NHS staff isn’t just for one day a year... Writing | Lucy Donoughue

dam Kay has been the rounds – no longer on hospital wards as a doctor, but in theatres across the country – with a show based on his new book, Twas The Nightshift Before Christmas. His first tour, earlier this year, drew on material from his original bestseller (1.5 million copies sold across 36 countries to date). Both books and tours are based on diaries he kept while working in the NHS from 2004 to 2010, and are as heartbreaking as they are hysterical. “I love doing the tour,” Adam says. “The single most efficient way of getting my point across is by looking people in the eye and telling them about the NHS. Even though, technically, it’s a funny show, I’m doing it because I’ve got a message I want people to leave with.” That message has many elements, including the importance of our healthcare system, the growing demands and reduced resources, the mental impact of trying to save lives, and dispelling myths about doctor’s workloads and motivations. >>>

Pretending that we don’t need to talk about things can never be the right idea

During his time training and working as a doctor, Adam encountered sleep deprivation, a significant lack of resources in the hospital environment, and isolation from his partner, family and friends, due to the demands of the job. However, it was ultimately the lack of acknowledgement and emotional support around traumatic incidents, and the toll this took on his mental health, that prompted Adam to leave his former career.

He didn’t share the mental strain he was under with anyone else at the time, something he regularly reflects upon. Keeping issues bottled up, he says, happens too often in frontline healthcare, and needs to stop. “Pretending that we don’t need to talk about things can never be the right idea. People end up with coping mechanisms, and often they are not healthy coping mechanisms.”

Photography | Charlie Clift

Spreading these messages has been a major part of Adam’s work in recent years. This Is Going To Hurt was published in 2017, following a period in which junior doctors were portrayed by the government, and some media outlets, as opportunistic for speaking out against proposed changes to working hours. Adam’s first book was, in many ways, a ‘call to arms’ following this; a method of explaining to the widest audience possible the realities of working in the NHS, underpinned by real knowledge of doing so. “I’ve now done the show to more than 150,000 people, and hopefully next time the junior doctors take a battering, that’s 150,000 people who might think about their healthcare staff a bit differently.” Adam’s writing may have been intended to entertain as well as open eyes, but it’s also provided many who work in the NHS with reassurance that colleagues across the service struggle with the emotional and personal impact of the job – just as Adam did.

‘Twas The Nightshift Before Christmas’ and ‘This is Going To Hurt’ (Picador) are both available now. For more information and tickets to ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas’ tour, visit adamkay.co.uk

Something that’s talked about extremely infrequently is the fact that every three weeks a doctor takes their own life He now regularly hears from other healthcare professionals, and the picture it paints is not a positive one. “Something that’s talked about extremely infrequently is the fact that every three weeks a doctor takes their own life. That’s beyond a tragedy, it’s a crisis. “I had a message from a doctor about a year ago, who said two junior doctors in his hospital trust had taken their lives since he’d been working there, and he could see himself being the third if he didn’t get out or do something about it.” There needs to be a change in how poor mental health is viewed, he insists. “Ultimately, the NHS, and every healthcare professional need to realise that you can’t look after your patients if you’re not looking after yourself. You can only look after yourself if there’s an openness about mental wellbeing.”

But it’s not just professionals that can make a difference. Adam suggests the public could show more compassion. One patient, he shares, saw him wearing a blood pressure cuff and commented: “It’s funny, you don’t think of doctors getting ill.” “It’s crucial to think of everyone as human,” Adam laughs. “But you don’t want to think of your doctor as being too human, because humans make mistakes. “When you’re being treated as ‘other’ by your patients, you act up to it. You play the role of ‘surgeon’ or whatever, and people can become alpha – and that’s not good because we need to admit we’re all human, we all make mistakes, we all get sick, and we all get sad.” Adam is clear that there are systemic failings in the way that mental health is addressed – or rather not addressed – at the point of training. He’s recently spoken about the possibility of teaching students in the future, sharing the things he “would have wanted to hear” – and mental health would definitely be on his syllabus. However, he’s also cautiously positive about moves being made to introduce the subject already. “There are green shoots showing,” Adam says. “They’re calling it ‘resilience training’, and I think that’s the right meaning but the wrong word, as it implies you have to be able to deal with anything.

“Maybe it’s psychological preparedness? We just need to be honest about what the job actually involves – about the bad days that accompany the good.” As documented in Adam’s latest book, the good and bad days can happen any and every day in healthcare. Nothing trumps the demands on the NHS, and the never-ending requirement for staff to show up and help others. This year more than 1.4 million people will be working in the NHS at Christmas time, and while we ready ourselves for the Gavin and Stacey special, they’ll be treating, operating on, and caring for patients in hospitals across the UK. And, according to Adam, there’s one simple thing we can all do to support them. “It’s remembering that at Christmas there will be hundreds of thousands of people working in hospitals, and hopefully you’ll never have to see them, but they’re there if you need them. “Just like giving a card to the postman, put the NHS on your list, because I found a thank you does make a real difference,” Adam says. “I still have every card patients ever gave me. I’ve thrown almost every other remnent of my time as a doctor, but I will never throw away those, because they made more of a difference to me than the people who sent them will probably ever know.”

Is mental health on your company agenda? We believe mental health first aid training should be given equal importance to physical first aid training in every workplace. If you would like to become a mental health first aider at work, Happiful can train you, and we've created this email template to help you explain the benefits to your boss

Dear <<Boss/HR Manager>>, I'd like to become a mental health first aider for <<your company name>> and I'm hoping you can help. Here are some of the reasons why <<your company name>> will benefit from offering Mental Health First Aid training to our employees: 1. Build staff confidence to have open conversations around mental health, and break the stigma in the office and in society. 2. Encourage people to access early support when needed. Early intervention means faster recovery. 3. Empower people with a long-term mental health issue or disability to thrive in work, and ensure that we are compliant with legislation in the Equality Act 2010. 4. Promote a mentally healthy environment, and allow people to thrive and become more productive. 5. Embed a long-term, positive culture across the whole organisation, where our employees recognise their mental and physical health are supported as equal parts of the whole person. 6. Proudly share that mental health is on our company agenda, and improve retention as a result of a reduction in staff stress levels.

Happiful offers two-day mental health first aid training courses for individuals across the country for £235 + VAT per person, and they can also offer bespoke courses on-site at our workplace if we have a minimum of eight attendees. Yours sincerely, <<a future mental health first aider>>

To register your company’s interest or to book an individual place, visit training.happiful.com or drop us an email at training@happiful.com

Did you know that stress, anxiety, and depression are the biggest causes of sickness absence in our society? Mental ill-health is currently responsible for 91 million working days lost each year. The cost to UK employers is £34.9 billion each year.* Happiful has partnered with Simpila Healthy Solutions to offer internationally recognised courses and training events in the UK. Each course is delivered by an accredited Mental Health First Aid England instructor and is delivered in a safe, evidence-based programme. *Source: MHFA England

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O V E R C O M E I N S O M N I A As many as one in seven people live with long-term insomnia – whether that be disturbed nights, or hours spent lying in bed wide awake. But it doesn’t have to be that way. With help from expert clinical hypnotherapist Andrew Major, we explore the causes of insomnia, and get the low-down on putting sleep problems to bed once and for all Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

lmost all of us will experience sleep problems at some point in our lives. Whether it’s tossing and turning throughout the night, or waking up every couple of hours, losing out on those precious hours of shut-eye can set us back for the day and can easily spiral into mental health problems. The point at which sleeping problems turn into insomnia is when they become regular – over months or years. This could show itself in a number of ways, from finding it hard to fall asleep at night, to waking up regularly through the night, or not being able to fall back to sleep again. When considering what may be causing insomnia, Andrew Major, a clinical hypnotherapist, points to the close link with mental health. “Some of the most common causes of insomnia are: ongoing stress, pressure, anxiety, and

Artwork | Charlotte Reynell

depression, which can creep up on us gradually, leading to excess worry and overthinking – especially when it’s time to sleep,” Andrew explains. “But there may be other psychological reasons causing insomnia, including anger, grief, or trauma.” According to the Sleep Council, of those who get less than five hours of sleep per night, 21% live with depression and 17% with anxiety. But when it comes to insomnia, it’s a vicious cycle. While mental health problems may be causing sleep problems, lack of sleep can then lead to poor mental health, including low mood, irritability, and problems concentrating – not to mention the added anxiety about not being able to sleep. “When we don’t get enough sleep, it can reduce problemsolving skills and our ability to cope with stressful situations – leaving us feeling overwhelmed

by things we’d previously been able to deal with,” says Andrew. “Getting enough sleep helps us build mental and emotional resilience so that we’re able to deal with the demands, challenges, and sometimes adversity, of modern life.” Clearly, there’s a lot at stake. And yet, only four in 10 people with insomnia go on to ask for help – something that is particularly common in older people, where 47% believe that nothing can be done to improve their sleep quality. “Whatever the issue – by taking action to address the underlying causes, and with some simple changes to our daily habits and routines – you can break the cycle of sleepless nights, and learn how to sleep well,” says Andrew. So how’s it done? Andrew advises that the first step is to take a good look at your daytime habits. >>>

Getting enough sleep helps us build mental and emotional resilience, so that we’re able to deal with the demands, challenges, and sometimes adversity, of modern life

RECOGNISE THE SIGNS OF INSOMNIA THE EMOTIONAL:

Are you feeling tense, anxious, irritable, or lack enthusiasm for things you usually enjoy?

THE PHYSICAL:

Have you been experiencing headaches, increased heart rate, muscle aches and pains, or changes in appetite?

THE COGNITIVE:

Do negative thoughts take over your mind, and have you noticed excess worrying, a lack of concentration, forgetfulness, or difficulty making decisions?

For example, consider:

EAT YOUR WAY TO A RESTFUL NIGHT

• How much caffeine do you drink during the day? • When do you switch off your mobile devices and laptops? • Do you have time to relax properly before going to bed? • Do you have a regular and consistent sleeping and waking routine? • Is your bedroom comfortable, and free from noise and light?

According to the National Sleep Foundation, certain foods can work wonders for our sleep quality. Two hours before bed, try:

Addressing these areas first can often help us narrow down what may be the root cause of our sleep problems. The next point of call is assessing the amount of physical activity we do each day. Regular aerobic activity calms our bodies and minds, releasing feel-good hormones that help us regulate our moods. Although this doesn’t mean that you need to hit the gym for an intensive workout – gentle activity, such as walking, yoga, or gardening has the same effect. As a solution-focused hypnotherapist, Andrew’s approach to treating insomnia in sessions includes a type of talking therapy that combines psychotherapy and hypnosis. During hypnosis, the subject goes into a ‘trance’, or a natural relaxed state, using guided relaxation. Once in this relaxed state, it’s then possible to focus on mantras, thoughts, and suggestions that can help them to cope with the stress and anxiety that may be causing insomnia. Beyond that, Andrew suggests four key ways to take back the night:

Cottage cheese. Rich in amino acid tryptophan – believed to increase the feel-good hormone serotonin – cottage cheese can be mixed with fruit for a slumbersome snack.

PRACTISE POSITIVITY

Talk about the positive aspects of the day, and celebrate successes.

Almonds and walnuts. These nuts contain melatonin, the hormone that regulates our sleep cycle. Kiwis. Packed with antioxidants, a study from Taipei Medical University found that eating two kiwis before bed helped people to fall asleep more quickly, and improved overall sleep quality too.

Your brain triggers thousands of neurons with every thought. Repeating the thought process triggers the same neurons so, when we make a conscious effort to recognise the positive things in life, we build new, helpful thought patterns.

VISUALISE CHANGE AND FIND SOLUTIONS

What would life be like tomorrow if you slept well? What would you be doing differently? What would friends and colleagues notice about you? Creating a positive expectation, and visualising it happening, will strengthen the likelihood of a positive outcome.

C R E AT E G O O D SLEEP HYGIENE

Create a plan, identify the things that are easy to change – such as a regular bedtime and waking time, avoiding stimulants before going to bed (e.g. cigarettes and caffeine), get enough exercise during the day, create a quiet, dark, and comfortable bedroom, and remove all electronic screens.

+ +

SEEK PROFESSIONAL SUPPORT

Seeking out professional support can be a big step, but has many lasting benefits – it’s often the start of real focus and change. Solutionfocused hypnotherapy can help you to relieve the symptoms of insomnia in a positive and uplifting way. With so much of our mental wellness dependent on ensuring that we get good quality sleep, it’s time to start taking shuteye seriously. And the truth is, it is possible for all of us to get the sleep we need and deserve. Whether it’s making a few small tweaks to your routine, or embarking on a long-term lifestyle change, it’s time to stop counting sheep, and start drifting away to dreamland. Andrew Major is a solution-focused clinical hypnotherapist who combines psychotherapy and clinical hypnotherapy techniques, based on the latest research. Find out more at andrewmajorhypnotherapy.co.uk

A walk on the mild side

From cutting down on anxiety to easing fatigue, studies show again and again just how powerful walking can be for our wellbeing. To find out more about how placing one foot in front of the other can boost our health, Happiful’s Kathryn Wheeler joins a guided walking group, and discovers the perks of putting mindful walking into practice

“

t’s a good job you came today instead of last week,” is what I’m greeted with as I arrive at my local leisure centre, ready for a gentle excursion with the guided walking group, Walking for Health. It’s a chilly but clear Tuesday morning – a contrast to the week before when the weather was reportedly torrential. I’m here to join the group of about 15 others on a 50-minute walk around the town centre. Just one of more than 1,800 weekly walks organised by the country’s largest network of health walks, Walking for Health. Groups are free to sign up for, and provide slow, guided treks over easy terrain – offering anyone who needs it the opportunity to support their mental and physical health through gentle activity. We set off, and weave through the town – following familiar routes, and ducking down roads I’ve never explored before. As we go, the group breaks off into pairs and threes, conversations about

family and holidays flow easily. As I speak to people during the walk, so many tell me that they came for the exercise, but stay for the company. Though it’s not just the social aspect of these groups that support us. Walking has been shown to improve our self-perception, self-esteem, mood, sleep, and stress levels. In fact, according to a study by the Department of Health, those who take part in daily activity are a staggering 20–30% less at risk of developing depression. All this considered, the news that GPs are increasingly referring patients to schemes such as these comes as no surprise. I chat to the group about their experiences with walking. Each has their own motivation for being there that day, but: “It’s a reason to get out of the house,” keeps coming up. This sticks with me, because so often we do feel as though we need a reason to get outside. The walk flies by, and soon it’s time for me to head back to the office – revitalised by my

morning’s activity, and ready to take on the rest of the day. But just under a week later, it’s a Sunday afternoon and I feel sluggish. I think about the walk I went on, and I decide to get out of the house. I retrace the walk I did with the group, adding in my own diversions down routes that take me further away from the town, into open countryside. As I walk, I allow my mind to wander. I think about all the things I’m looking forward to in the busy week I have ahead of me. And yes, stresses do enter my head. But as I move on, so does my mind – and as easily as I’m taken by a worry, I’m returned to the moment by the things around me. Things like the sound of water running in the stream I cross, taking care as I navigate slippery mud on off-road tracks, and later the hustle and bustle of traffic as I make my way back through the town and home again. Do it alone, with a friend, or with a group. Explore pastures new, or

retrace a place where you feel safe. Whatever the speed, no matter the distance, and wherever you do it, a walk has the ability to transform your wellness. But don’t just take my word for it – tie up your laces, and get walking.

HOW TO WALK MINDFULLY Find your rhythm. Move at a pace that feels natural to you, and slow down or speed up throughout the walk depending on what feels right. Notice your body. Take note of how your feet feel walking over the ground, and think about the sensations in your body – are you relaxed, warm, open? Bring your mind back to the present moment. It’s fine to let your mind wander a little, but if you’re struggling to take in the walk try counting your steps in sets of 10. Take in the world around you. Notice the smells, sounds, and sensations of the environment you’re walking in. How does the air feel on your skin? Reflect on your walk. As your walk comes to an end, consider how the experience has made you feel. Are there lessons you can take and apply to the rest of your life?

‘Those who take part in daily activity are a staggering 20–30% less at risk of developing depression’

Find free guided walking groups in your area, and discover more about the organisation by visiting walkingforhealth.org.uk

How to enjoy yourself while living with mental illness People often assume that those living with mental illness are, or should be, miserable all the time, and hidden away at home. But this stigma needs to end. Living with mental ill-health is difficult enough, without feeling guilty for experiencing a good day once in a while... Writing | Katie Conibear Illustrating | Rosan Magar

ental illness isn’t linear – how you’re feeling can change from day to day, and week to week. It can be a struggle to live with, manage, and/or recover from. Then there will also be times when, although we may be ill, we feel we can go out and enjoy ourselves.

But often the stigma we encounter can stop us from making the most of these moments. I’ve experienced this myself. I’ve worried people will think I’m faking my illness if I’m seen smiling or laughing. When I’ve had periods of time off work because of my mental health, I’ve been anxious about being seen on an evening out and a colleague not understanding that I happen to be having a good day. With 15% of employees who disclosed mental health issues to their line manager reporting being disciplined,

dismissed or demoted, it’s no wonder we worry about other people’s reactions. I have positive days when I can laugh and dance and socialise. What people don't see are the bad days when I can't get out of bed, have suicidal feelings, or am hearing voices. But we shouldn’t feel guilty for times of relief or happiness – and, in fact, we should try to embrace those moments when we can. I’ve learned that I can do the things I enjoy, even though I live with a mental illness. Here are four tips I’ve discovered that help me to do just that...

1 EMBRACE YOUR ‘GOOD DAYS’

Everyone has good days and bad days. When living with mental illness however, the better days can seem fleeting. When I have that inkling of stability, I embrace it. That party I was invited to a couple of weeks ago that I was going to turn down, I’ll go to. That coffee date I tentatively wrote in my diary, I won’t think twice about not going. Socialising is an important part of maintaining a healthy mind, so I see it as part of managing my mental illness. When you’re in the midst of a particularly bad day, you can look back at those good days and know they will come back again. Write down the good things you did that day and put them in a jar. When you need to, pick a note from the jar and read it. This will remind you of what you are capable of and can look forward to when you’re feeling well again.

2 KNOW YOUR LIMITS

Understanding your limits is an important part of managing mental illness. If you know coffee makes you anxious, or alcohol disrupts your medication, stick with a soft drink. And while we should make the most of the good days, over-estimating how much we can do can cause problems later on. Fitting everything in, and trying to please everyone, can be draining, so I make sure I schedule rest days. Plus, enjoying yourself doesn’t always mean going out – it can be as simple as snuggling on the sofa watching your favourite film! Ultimately, it’s important to remember that your health is worth far more than trying to do too much.

3 LET GO OF THE GUILT

Guilt is synonymous with mental ill-health. It can be a tough habit to break, because it’s so intertwined with mental illness. I’ve realised that I need to allow myself to enjoy life, when I can. Just because I live with mental illness, it doesn’t mean I have to act as if I’m miserable every single day. Give yourself a break – mental illness is hard work and you deserve to enjoy yourself. Talking through feelings of guilt, either with close friends or family, a therapist or doctor, can help you understand this negative thinking. If this is particularly difficult for you, you might want to explore cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which challenges negative ways of thinking.

4 LEAN ON YOUR FRIENDS

Lean on your ‘go-to’ friends. That small, core group of people that you can talk to easily. They’ll know you well and understand that sometimes you have to cancel, but other times you’re chatty and happy.

I’ve learned that there is a small group of people in my life that I can trust implicitly. I’ve explained my feelings of guilt to them, and how I worry they’ll think less of me if I go out. I’ve told them that my health comes first, and that sometimes I need to limit what I do to stay healthy. If they’re true friends, they will understand and support you through the good days, and the bad.

Katie Conibear is a freelance writer, focusing on mental health. She blogs at stumblingmind.com and has a podcast, ‘A Life Lived Vividly’, with a focus on hearing voices.

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Walking in a

winter wonderland Is there anything that gets you more in the festive spirit than immersing yourself in a good Christmas market? Whether you love exploring the stalls, or are there for the magical atmosphere and an excuse for mulled wine, taking a walk around these markets is a December treat filled with fun and making memories. So, to help you uncover some must-visit gems, we’ve put together a list of seven markets that would be ideal for a winter wander…

PADSTOW CHRISTMAS FESTIVAL Markets are great for trinkets and special festive pieces, but one of the best bits of Christmas is undoubtedly the delicious food on offer, too. And at this festival in the beautiful Cornish town of Padstow, your tastebuds will be trembling. Alongside the 100 food and drink stalls, and live music, you can pick up tips and tricks to take your Christmas dinner to the next level from pros such as Rick Stein, Paul Ainsworth, and Nathan Outlaw. 5–8 December. Padstow, Cornwall MANCHESTER’S FIRST SUSTAINABLE CHRISTMAS MARKET With more than 25 independent and zero-waste brands, this popup market is the place to go for all the usual treats of a Christmas Market, but with an eco-friendly twist. With stalls, entertainment, and of course mulled wine, there are also chances to pick up ecofriendly gifts, and talks on living sustainably at Christmas. Plus get crafty at workshops, including wreath making, and creating DIY beeswax food wraps. 29 and 30 November 2019. Oxford Road, Manchester >>>

Be sure to ch eck event websi tes for prices, an d more info!

BLENHEIM PALACE CHRISTMAS MARKET You’ll feel transported to a regal fairytale at this incredible market set against the stunning backdrop of Blenheim Palace. With wooden chalet stalls to tempt you in, the best festive surprise is the Illuminated Light Trail, which will captivate kids and grownups alike. Explore the Tunnel of Light featuring 100,000 tea lights, the Laser Garden, and the scented Fire Garden. 22 November to 15 December. Blenheim Palace, Woodstock GRASSINGTON DICKENSIAN CHRISTMAS FESTIVAL You’ll have great expectations for this annual celebration of all things Charles Dickens – and don’t worry, you won’t be disappointed. Be transported back to Victorian times as the village of Grassington transforms for two weekends. With villagers and visitors in full costume this event has a magical atmosphere, full of character, with street entertainment, buskers, and of course the traditional market. 30 November, 1 December, 7 and 8 December. Grassington, Yorkshire CHRISTMAS AT DINEFWR The Welsh valleys will be alive with the sound of music as on 19 December National Trust property Newton House invites everyone for a wonderful evening of carol singing. But don’t worry if you can’t make this date! There are plenty of Christmas activities throughout the month, with Christmas tours, chances to hear winter stories, or making you own festive decorations. And if you need some fresh air after feasting, they host a Boxing Day walk, too. December. Newton House, Dinefwr, Wales

CHRISTMAS AT CHATSWORTH For something a little different, take a trip to the stunning Chatsworth House, and explore the globe on a special festive adventure. Be guided on a trip through a Nordic winter wonderland, through blossom trees in Japan, to a baroque Portuguese church. There’s the traditional Christmas market too, with more than 100 stalls in the farmyard with handmade gifts and festive food galore. 9 November 2019 to 5 January 2020 for the guided Christmas adventure, and 15 November to 3 December for the market. Chatsworth House, Derbyshire

Looking for more things to do in December? Check out Happiful's top 10 things to do this month! HYDE PARK WINTER WONDERLAND For those looking for plenty of activities and a buzz in the air, this annual festive extravaganza is ideal for locals, and worth the commute for those further afield. There are Bavarian beer tents, and bratwurst galore, plus hundreds of stalls, rides and activities. Entry is free, but be sure to book events in advance such as the ice sculpture maze, the ever popular ice skating rink, or the comedy club to avoid disappointment. 21 November 2019 to 5 January 2020. Hyde Park, London

HAPPIFUL TOP 10

December

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling as we enter into the festive season with the perfect winter skincare, a magical Christmas lights experience, and thousands of Santas running across London

Images | Kew Gardens: Alena Veasey / Shutterstock.com, Easy Eco Tips: Instagram: @easyecotips

PAGE-TURNERS Modern Flexitarian Are you conscious about making more sustainable meal choices, but not ready to commit to a full vegan lifestyle? With 100 plant-packed recipes, Modern Flexitarian provides smart choices to help make your meals more eco-friendly, while still being able to enjoy dairy, eggs, and meat now and then. (Out 5 December, DK, £20)

OUT AND ABOUT

PUT ON A SHOW

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Nothing says Christmas quite like a pantomime! Enjoy Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs at The Alhambra Theatre, Bradford, starring Strictly Come Dancing 2018 finalist Faye Tozer, and family TV favourite Paul Chuckle. Pantomimes will be coming to theatres across the UK, find one near you to join in the fun. (Saturday 14 December 2019 to Sunday 26 January 2020. To book tickets, head to bradford-theatres.co.uk)

PLUGGED-IN

Easy Eco tips Highlighting the small changes you can make to live a more sustainable life, this green blog shares a new tip every day on how you can help protect the planet, from changing your tea bags to picking up litter. (Follow @easyecotips on Instagram)

TECH TIP-OFFS

Christmas at Kew Experience the magic of Christmas at Kew, with a sparkling after dark trail. Follow the path of more than one million twinkling lights, illuminating the beautiful trees and buildings throughout Kew Gardens. Keep an eye out for Santa and his elves on the way! (Wednesday 20 November 2019 to Sunday 5 January 2020. For more information visit kew.org)

reGAIN Get rewards for recycling your unwanted clothes! Simply pack up your clothes, send them to one of 25,000 locations in the UK, and get access to discount codes so you can restock your wardrobe. What better reason to finally say goodbye to the old clothes you’ve been holding on to? (Download from the App Store and Google Play, find out more at regain-app.com) Continues >>>

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Kindness is like snow, it beautifies everything it covers – KAHLIL GIBRAN

HAPPIFUL TOP 10

LEND US YOUR EARS

‘Fashion Fix with Charli Howard’ Model and activist Charli Howard’s new podcast is all about helping you get your fashion fix, while also looking after the planet – and other people. With a new episode every Friday, Charli and her guests talk all things fashion, from sustainable clothing to body positivity.

(Find out more at bbc.co.uk, and listen to the podcast on the BBC Sounds app)

December

THE CONVERSATION

Christmas Jumper Day It’s time to dig out your winter woollies for Save the Children’s Christmas Jumper Day! Whether you’re at school, work, or with family, you can take part to help raise money for children in some of the world’s most vulnerable communities. Help make the world better with a sweater. (13 December, sign up for your fundraising kit at savethechildren.org.uk)

SQUARE EYES

Cats Hitting our screens in December is the film adaptation of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s beloved musical, Cats. Featuring a star-studded cast including Jennifer Hudson, Idris Elba and James Corden, Cats is set to have you feline fine this winter. (In cinemas 20 December)

TREAT YOURSELF

The Body Shop Hand Cream The cold weather can often bring with it dry skin, so it’s essential to keep your mitts moisturised. The Body Shop offers a range of ethical hand creams, and being kind to the environment is at the heart of its values. With a huge selection of scents, from Almond Milk and Honey to Pink Grapefruit, you’ll be spoilt for choice. (Available in stores and online, £5) Win a selection of hand creams from The Body Shop! What classic Christmas film was most successful at the box office? a) How the Grinch Stole Christmas b) Home Alone c) The Polar Express To enter, email your answer to competitions@happiful.com UK mainland only, entries close 19 December 2019.

9 GET GOING

Skyline’s London Santa Run Step into Christmas as thousands of Santas take to the streets for London’s largest Santa Run. Choose between the 5K or 10K routes at Victoria Park in east London, and get fundraising for your chosen charity. Recover after the race in true Santa style – with mince pies and Christmas carols. (8 December, £25 registration fee for adults, £10 for children under 15, find out more at londonsantarun.co.uk)

WIN!

Putting yourself on your to-do list

TIME TO

check-in ON OUR MENTAL HEALTH

A few honest answers about yourself can help you find out what’s going on inside – and provide an early warning of problems in the future

Writing | Fiona Thomas

he symptoms of mental illness are no joke. If you’ve never experienced them before, the effects can feel earthshattering. After a bout of anxiety, I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. I’ve also dealt with dissociation, panic attacks, palpitations, and complete exhaustion, to name a few. But I always ask myself the same thing when I’m at my absolute lowest: how didn’t I see this coming?

88 • happiful • December 2019

Spotting the precursors to mental illness may not stop the inevitable, but it can encourage you to ask for help sooner, and implement some damage control. Being aware of the red flags takes practice, but self-reflective questions can help you unearth what’s really going on. Catherine Asta Labbett, award-winning female-focused psychotherapist at bringingsparkleback.co.uk, helped me pull this list together, and has shared her expert insights, with us.

You MATTER

BEFORE YOU START

Try not to judge your answers, or feel bad about what you uncover, just be honest. You could try using these as journal prompts. Psychotherapists say that expressive writing is helpful for those who do not typically express emotions, or have a past trauma. You could also try picking one question, and use it as part of a meditation practice to help block out external noise and think clearly.

1. WHAT AM I AVOIDING AND WHY?

If you’re pushing one aspect of your life into a box, then try to figure out why this might be the case. ‘Avoidance coping’ can typically lead to increased anxiety, so if you’re unable to do the thing that’s worrying you, it could be the start of a slippery slope.

2. HAVE I DONE SOMETHING TODAY THAT MAKES ME FEEL HAPPY? Not getting enjoyment out of life is a key indicator of poor mental health, so try to schedule in activities that have made you happy in the past. Catherine says: “There is a growing body of scientific research out there which has found that happiness can make our hearts healthier, our immune system stronger, and our lives longer. Focus on the things that bring you joy.” I personally prioritise things that involve socialising with friends, moving my body, and experiencing nature.

3. AM I MAKING TIME FOR SELF-NOURISHMENT?

According to Catherine, self-nourishment is the deeper layer of self-care. “It’s doing the things that nourish your mind, body, and soul, and it’s a daily practice.” Maybe your exercise and healthy eating is on top form, but how are you feeding your soul? This could be belly-laughing with your best mate, or expressing yourself creatively through dancing, writing, or painting. “It’s about recognising and believing and being mindful that you matter, and your needs matter,” says Catherine.

“...research has found that happiness can make our hearts healthier”

4. HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT THE FUTURE?

Taking stock of the future is a helpful way to gauge how you’re doing, because feelings of hopelessness go hand-in-hand with depression. Try to plan something in the next few days that you can look forward to, such as starting a new book, visiting family, or a day trip to the beach. Continues >>> December 2019 • happiful • 89

Putting yourself on your to-do list

5. HOW IS MY PERSONAL CARE?

Try not to be too hard on yourself here, but look at your physical self and analyse if you’ve truly been taking care of yourself. Are you showering daily? Are you eating a balanced diet? How about exercise? It’s unrealistic to expect yourself to be nailing every aspect of your personal care 100% of the time, and as Catherine says: “Only you know what personal care looks and feels like to you.” Imagine your personal care is a barometer. “If it’s creeping into the red, then it’s a good opportunity to explore why.” Low self-esteem can be a cause, and a symptom, of mental illness, so be kind to yourself here, no matter what conclusion you arrive at.

90 • happiful • December 2019

You MATTER

6. DO PROBLEMS OVERWHELM ME?

Burnout can make you feel like you’re on a never-ending treadmill, constantly fighting fires and getting nowhere. As this escalates, you might feel completely overwhelmed by even the smallest of tasks. “Stress, without a doubt, lowers your ability to cope with life,” says Catherine. “Feeling overwhelmed is a sign of overload. Each and every one of us has our own tipping point.” Try not to compare your current abilities to that of your past self, as this leads to a negative thought cycle that could make you feel worse. If you feel like you can’t regain control of life on your own, ask for help.

7. WHAT ARE MY CLOSEST RELATIONSHIPS LIKE AT THE MOMENT? We often expose our vulnerabilities to our friends and family without even realising it. Are you holding it together at work, but letting out your frustrations at home? Be aware of signs of irritability or tearfulness, as this can be a sign of burnout. Who are your sparkly people? The ones who make you feel validated? Keep them close, to fill up your cup.

‘Avoidance coping’ can lead to increased anxiety, so if you’re unable to do the thing that’s worrying you, it could be the start of a slippery slope 8. HOW ARE MY DECISION-MAKING ABILITIES?

This is something that crops up for me quite regularly. My husband asks what I want for dinner and I can’t answer. My brain draws a blank, and I’m filled with a sense of dread when I’m asked to vocalise a choice. Does this sound familiar? Indecisiveness is a symptom of burnout, anxiety, and depression. Catherine says when our heads are full, our ability to make decisions can become impaired. “Rest, as in restorative rest – sleep, disconnecting from technology and social media and work – enables our minds to recalibrate. Rest is soul food.”

NEXT STEPS

Write down a few key bullet points based on your answers. Is there any remedial action you can take right now to ease any negative feelings? For example, if your personal care is a glaring issue, can you set aside the evening to have a shower, wash your hair, and change your bedsheets? Talk to someone you trust. Explain how you’re feeling to a friend or family member who understands, and consider talking to your employer or HR representative if you have work-related issues. Get professional advice. If one or more of these questions is giving you cause for concern, don’t hesitate to talk to your GP. Make a few notes based on your answers and take these into your appointment. Having your symptoms written down will give you the confidence to open up, and give your doctor a clear indication of your current mental state. To find out your mental health score, go to mentalhealth.org.uk/your-mental-health/goodmental-health-survey

December 2019 • happiful • 91

The Body:

A guide for occupants

Book Review

If humans came with manuals, Bill Bryson’s latest foray into how the body works would be the quick-start guide we’d all want (and need) Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

’ve never been a fan of science-y books. For someone who enjoys reading textbooks for fun (don’t judge, we all have our quirks), when it comes to the more scientific side of things, I tend to switch off. If you’ve ever felt the same way, Bill Bryson’s latest book might just be able to change that.

What’s it about?

Have you ever thought your body should come with an owner’s manual? If it did, I’m pretty sure The Body: A Guide for Occupants would be the volume you’d pick. We all live in our bodies, yet how many of us really know how all the parts are connected? Or, frankly, what they’re all called, much less what they do. In his latest book, Bryson has

successfully turned a daunting, heavy subject into something not only understandable, but entertaining and engaging. Best known for his travel books and the award-winning A Short History of Nearly Everything, Bryson’s latest book aims to help us understand how our bodies work, evoking a rare sense of wonder and awe.

Back to basics and exploring unknowns

Weaving in anecdotes and personal experiences, Bryson manages to make a tricky subject feel educational, without seeming pompous. In the audiobook version, available via Audible, Bryson narrates the book himself, taking listeners on a journey into the wonders and evolutions of the

body through history, and how we have come to our modern understanding of how our bodies work. Refreshingly, Bryson never pretends that scientists have all the answers. Embracing the many mysteries that still surround our anatomy, he speaks of common quirks – such as why we have goosebumps, fingerprints, and pubic hair, and why we blush when we are angry.

The dark side of medical advancements In places, The Body: A guide for occupants may have the potential to be triggering. Rather than shying away from some of the darker corners in medicine’s history, Bryson speaks candidly on topics such as lobotomies. He quotes letters that share first-hand accounts of seeing and performing

the procedure, which had few benefits for patients, and led to many deaths. It’s a fascinating and stark reminder of how far mental health care, treatment, and understanding has come – and how far it still has to go. As well as exploring the many sides of mental health history, Bryson looks at uncomfortable past views on race, gender, and intelligence. He explores outdated ideas, such as how, in early criminal anthropology, the shape and size of one’s head was thought to signal if you were a criminal or not.

It’s all in the details

Whether you’re listening to the audiobook, or picking up a copy in print, you’re bound to come across numerous surprising details.

Take, for example, your eyebrows – as Bryson points out, they have no real known evolutionary purpose; theorists suggest they help to keep sweat out of our eyes, or perhaps they developed to help us communicate without words. A single arch of your eyebrows can show disbelief, caution, or suggest attraction. According to Bryson, the Mona Lisa looks so enigmatic because she lacks eyebrows (please say I’m not the only one who didn’t notice that?).

The importance of language

One area I feel is important to highlight, is the potentially triggering language used around suicide. Several times Bryson

speaks about the act of ‘committing’ suicide. While this is still an (unfortunately) common turn of phrase, there are numerous guidelines on the best ways to write about suicide. While it doesn’t feel like the author intends to offend, it stands out as a missed opportunity to focus on the importance of language sensitivity. Speaking about suicide can be a challenge; by using the term ‘commit’, journalists, authors, and other professionals, risk stigmatising those who have attempted or completed suicide. As Natasha Devon explains in The Mental Health Media Charter, the terms ‘commit’ or ‘successful’ suicide “suggests criminality and blame. We now

understand that suicide happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. It is not a criminal act in the UK, and has not been since 1961. The best alternative is ‘died by suicide’, ‘attempted/ completed suicide’ or ‘took/ended their own life.’”

Should I read it?

Setting aside any issues around language sensitivities, I would thoroughly recommend The Body. A heavy subject to be sure, and while the narrative lacks some of the author’s famous wit, Bryson still offers a sense of charm and wonder that is bound to spark curiosity in many readers. Balancing details with interesting anecdotes,

If you liked this, you’ll love... A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson Join Bryson on his quest to understand everything from the Big Bang to the rise of civilization. Journey through geology, chemistry, and particle physics, in a refreshingly comprehensive way.

The Remarkable Life of the Skin by Monty Lyman How does our diet affect our skin? What makes our skin age? Why can’t we tickle ourselves? We live in it every day, yet how much do we really know about our skin?

Must Reads Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell

Why do we so often get other people wrong? Why is it so hard to detect lies, read faces, and judge motives? This book explores encounters from history, psychology, and infamous legal cases.

we’re given just enough information to intrigue without becoming bogged down. Whether you’ve already got a solid basis of knowledge, or are looking to dip your toe into the world of more scientific reading, The Body: A Guide for Occupants is sure to teach you something new.

The Body: A Guide for Occupants by Bill Bryson

GREAT FOR... • Readers looking for accessible scientific reading • Fans of Bill Bryson • Non-fiction aficionados

Photography | Andi Rieger

“

Don’t count the days, make the days count

94 • happiful.com • November 2019

– MUHAMMAD ALI

TRUE LIFE

How music inspired me to stop self-harming

Years of depression, bullying, and low self-esteem left Abbie struggling with her mental health – until a singer and her songs gave her the inspiration and strength to turn things around Writing | Abbie Foster

or as long as I could remember, I wanted my life to end. That was until an unlikely hero, a pop star, changed everything. While I was growing up, I’d always felt out of place – as if I was surviving instead of living. I was depressed and unhappy with every aspect of my appearance. It seemed to be a constant state of mind, that I just thought was normal. I thought it was how my brain was going to be forever. I soon believed there was only one way out. It seemed to everyone around me that my life was good. I was just a normal kid, excited about the future. No one saw

the signs, no one saw the constant battle I was having with myself about the way I looked. I guess it was only a matter of time before the rollercoaster that was my life would make me sicker. I was bullied at school, sending me further into the black hole that I’d always foreseen. By the time I was 15, I’d had people threatening me, telling me to kill myself or they’d do it for me. I felt unwanted everywhere, I had nowhere to be safe. So, I turned against myself, thinking that there must be something wrong with me if that’s what everyone else thought. I don’t know where I got the idea to self-harm from, but it soon became my addiction.

It started with a rubber band on my wrist, and when that didn’t satisfy my need, I turned to more serious methods, scarring my arms and my legs. I felt my life was spiralling towards the final stage. This was my life until at 18, something – or should I say, someone – came along and changed it. It was January 2014, and was like any other day. I was sitting in my mum’s car, the radio was on. A song started, one I’d heard before, but this time it was like hearing the words and message for the first time. It was ‘Skyscraper’, by American singersongwriter Demi Lovato. I started to cry – hiding it from my mum, who had no idea of what I was feeling, or what was

happening in my life. That day, my life changed. Later, at home, I was feeling terrible. I was about to self-harm, when something clicked in my brain. I wanted this night to be better. I searched online for the song that had given me goosebumps. Once again, my tears began. The video ended, and I was directed to Demi Lovato’s ‘Believe In Me’. I clicked the song, and the lyrics explained much of what I was feeling: ‘I don’t wanna be afraid I wanna wake up feeling beautiful today And know that I’m OK ’Cause everyone’s perfect in unusual ways You see, I just wanna believe in me’ >>> December 2019 • happiful.com • 95

Once that song ended, I found myself looking again for inspiration, and Demi’s song ‘Warrior’ came up. I clicked it, looking for strength, and the lyrics touched me unlike anything before:

In difficult times Abbie looked to Demi’s song ‘ Warrior’ for strength

‘Now I’m a warrior, now I’ve got thicker skin I’m a warrior, I’m stronger than I’ve ever been And my armour is made of steel, you can’t get in I’m a warrior, and you can never hurt me again’ At this point I was a mess, overwhelmed by the raw lyrics. I looked at the screen, and what caught my eye shocked me: ‘Demi Lovato opens up about self-harm’. I clicked the video, shaking, crying, as I listened to Demi describe what I had been doing, how it had felt. I was floored. This woman, who’d I’d only known as a Disney Channel princess, had in just a few songs and an interview, explained what I had wanted to say for years. Her honesty gave me hope to continue. That moment changed my life. I started to work on myself, becoming more and more infatuated with Demi’s message of positivity and hope. I learnt with every song that I, too, could be a warrior. I was doing well,

96 • happiful.com • December 2019

my self-harm became controllable, my brain wasn’t in a constant state of failure. A few months passed and I was 100 days clean. I celebrated by getting ‘Now I’m A Warrior’ tattooed across my heart. At this time, I was talking to a friend who lived in America. We’d met on Twitter as she, too, was a Lovatic (the name for Demi’s fans). I had arranged to visit her that September, but didn’t know that her mum had paid for me to go to Demi’s concert in North Carolina, and to a meet and greet! I was absolutely shocked that someone could do something so incredible for me, so life-changing.

Abbie meeting Demi Lovato

This woman, who’d I’d only known as a Disney Channel princess, had in just a few songs and an interview, explained what I had wanted to say for years

The day came. We lined up for the meet and greet, and from behind a curtain we could hear this voice we’d heard so many times before. Then, it was my turn… Demi: Hi! Me: Hello… D: Aw [Pointing at Now I’m A Warrior], you have the same tattoo as me! M: Yeah, and I have the Lovatic heart on my wrist! D: That’s so cool. M: Yeah, I got them for being 100 days clean... D: That’s amazing! Well done! M: Thank you so much. D: You don’t sound like you’re from North Carolina... M: No, I’m English. D: Oh my God, that’s so cool! Thank you! [Hugs me tightly] Then we take the picture and I reluctantly leave. I went home with the biggest of hearts, and the memory that Demi was proud of me. But the next month, everything came crashing down. I had been fighting the urge to self-harm, but I couldn’t fight the thoughts anymore, and they won. A few days later, I was feeling so mad at myself, thinking people would be disappointed in me. But then something clicked – I wasn’t going to let this win

again. I challenged myself to beat my previous clean record, and I did! That was the last time I self-harmed. In January 2015, I decided to speak up, and made my first video. It gained thousands of views overnight, with people from school apologising, and sending their love. I decided to keep posting videos on my Facebook page (Abbie Foster’s StayStrong), and began reaching out to charities and the media to share my story of hope and recovery. I was finally feeling good, with minimal depression, no suicidal thoughts, and a new joy for life. I started working with an incredible charity called Fixers that really supported me, and gave me the confidence to do anything! Since then, I’ve worked with organisations, including the NHS and the BBC, sharing my story and using it to inspire others. Today I love my life, I have the most incredible boyfriend, friends, and family, who support my dreams. I have a great outlook about my future, and I can’t wait to see what I do next. Recovery and positivity are incredible things. Once you open your mind to the possibility of a great life, amazing things can happen! You’ve got this. Stay strong, always.

Today I love my life, I have the most incredible boyfriend, friends, and family, who support my dreams

Abbie and her my fiancé Greg

OUR EXPERT SAYS Abbie always struggled with accepting herself, and bulling at school would intensify these feelings of isolation and selfloathing. She expressed this through self-harm, her methods becoming more severe over time. A chance encounter with a song changed the way that she felt. She found that the music, and lyrics expressed how she felt. She discovered the artist

had struggled with selfharm and was inspired to change. Despite a relapse, she makes a success of staying strong and sober. Abbie’s journey shows us how sharing your story in song, in person or writing can be a comfort and an inspiration for another’s change. Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) UKRCP Reg Ind counsellor

December 2019 • happiful.com • 97

Mental health matters As a crisis volunteer for the mental health text support service, Shout, Mathew Kollamkulam knows how vital it is to reach out for help when you need it. Here, he shares his insight, how best to be there for someone, and just how rewarding his role is

Follow Shout on Instagram @giveusashoutinsta and Mathew @mathewkollamkulam

The best lesson I’ve learned in life is... it never hurts to be kind. We don’t know what someone else is going through, or what impact a simple act of kindness can have on their day.

When I need support I… tell myself that there’s no shame in asking for help, only an admirable regard for one’s own wellbeing, and a fearless determination to get better.

Three things I would say to someone experiencing mental ill-health are… 1) You are not alone. 2) Asking for help when you need it is the bravest and kindest thing you can do for yourself. 3) Your mental illness doesn’t define you – you are so much more than your anxiety, your depression, or your feelings of hopelessness. There’s a lot in you that the mental illness tricks you into believing isn’t there anymore – your interests, your talents, your sense of humour. You are unique.

When I need some self-care, I... like spending time alone. I watch Netflix while eating ice cream. The book I turn to time and again is… Scarlett Curtis’ It’s Not OK to Feel Blue (and other lies), which I had the incredible privilege of contributing to. For around a month, I’ve been reading an essay from the book every night. It’s helps me understand how normal it is to struggle with mental health, even for people we might think have it all. Being a neuroscience student and enthusiast, I also love The Tell-Tale Brain by V S Ramachandran.

The moment I felt most proud of myself was... finishing my first ever conversation with a texter on Shout. The texter thanked me for being there for them at their lowest point.

If you want to support someone who’s struggling, my best advice is... listen intently to what they say. Then, tell them it’s OK to feel the way they feel – it’s OK to feel hopeless, exhausted, frustrated or devastated. It’s understandable. Tell them you believe them. You realise how difficult it might have been for them to open up and that they’ve done the right thing by doing so. Don’t offer to solve all their problems – you can’t. But offer to support them, and be there for them when they want to talk, or vent, or need any help. For anyone thinking about volunteering, I’d say... do it! Shout only asks for two hours of commitment every week. They provide excellent training with a dedicated coach, and you’re always supported while taking conversations on the platform. By volunteering, you can have a real impact on people’s lives. Each conversation on Shout shows me how strong and resilient people are, even when they’re in a dark place.

Image | Shout

Mental health matters to me because… it’s just as important as my physical health. It can lead to unemployment, financial struggles, broken relationships, and ultimately, loss of life.

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Happiful December 2019

Articles inside

How music inspired me to stop self-harming

The Body: A Guide for Occupants

Time to Check-In on Our Mental Health

How to enjoy yourself while living with mental illness

OVERCOME INSOMNIA

10 Things You Need to Know About Inflammatory Bowel Disease

Brussel-ling Up Something Good

How to Talk to a Partner with Low Self-Esteem

A Letter From Me to You

My parents abandoned me, but that made me a stronger person in the end

Five Journaling Techniques We Swear By

The Reality of Loneliness

It OK to be Blue – and that’s the truth

Your mind, body, and flow… with Grace

Five Ways to De-Stress Your Mornings

This is Lauren Mahon

What is Kintsugi?

The 2019 Uplift