THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH
DEC 2020
NEW BIGGER SIZE!
MAKE SOME NOISE We celebrate the heroes of 2020 who have fought tirelessly to keep us safe
GOOD NEWS
WE PRESENT THE ‘SMALL BUSINESS’ GIFT GUIDE TIPS TO EASE PREGNANCY ANXIETY FESTIVE CRAFTING AND RECIPES
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stories you might have missed
Finding a silver lining I think it’s fair to say that this year has been full of unexpected twists and turns. I doubt many of us predicted that we’d be accessorising facemasks to our outfits, ordering from apps in the pub garden, or learning to express ourselves as much as possible with only our eyes – ‘smizing’ (smiling with our eyes) as Tyra Banks calls it. As the nights draw in and the temperature drops, it can be a reminder that all we want is to be close to our loved ones and hold them again. We might feel nostalgic for winters past, as we acclimatise to a new way of celebrating the festive season. It won’t always be easy. Some days will be really hard. But, as put so beautifully in our explainer on komorebi on p26, even on the darkest days a ray of sunlight can break through. We just have to watch out for it, and enjoy our moment in the sunbeam for as long as it lasts. And that’s what this issue is really about. It’s been an unforgettable year, and while it’s one many people may be happy to put behind them, we want to pause and reflect on the moments of
positivity that still shone through. In our feature on p60, we hear from some of the incredible essential workers who gave their all through the most testing and extreme circumstances this year, and celebrate their selfless and kind natures. While 2020 has challenged us in ways we could never have imagined, through it all we have seen so many examples of kindness, compassion, and a world reassessing what truly matters. We’ve found gratitude in new places, and beauty in things we never really saw before. If there’s one thing we take with us from this year, let it be that those feelings continue...
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REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR
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Feel good 8 In the news
This month’s uplifting stories
12 Good news from 2020
Feel-good stories from the past year
26 What is komorebi?
Can the relationship between light and shadow guide our wellness?
38 Build a healthy mindset
How can hypnotherapy help you live more positively?
60 Make some noise
We celebrate the people who touched, enhanced, and saved lives in lockdown
28
Emotions
Put into practise
58 What’s your EI?
18 Self-care for families
Follow these tips for improving emotional intelligence
72 Don’t be a bystander
Discover steps for de-escalating stressful situations
Feeling festive
74 Are you a HSP?
Buying from independent retailers is the gift that keeps giving...
87 Say what you mean
37 To-do this Christmas
True life
21 Christmas gift guide
44 Giver’s guide to wellness How to prioritise self-care
47 Seasonal social anxiety Tips for the festive period
56 Festive flavours
Warming Christmas recipes
66 Craft with love
Five handmade gift ideas
Find the power in your sensitivity, and learn to protect your wellbeing
Put wellbeing on the to-do list
28 Making it up
An expert’s guide to apologies
33 Baby jitters
What to do when you’re are experiencing pregnancy anxiety
55 Six ways to say ‘no’
How to tackle passive aggression
41 Jan: the road to recovery After addiction and destruction, came the desire to help others
69 Karin: finding a purpose
Hearing loss didn’t hold Karin back, as she crafted her own path
91 Hannah: embracing hope Homeless at 15, Hannah shares her journey to finding safety
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Expert review
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52
Culture
51 Fresh off the press
We review this month’s best reads
52 Kenny Ethan Jones
The activist on what drives him, and his hopes for the future
84 Things to do in December 95 What’s in a word?
Entrepreneur Steph Dunleavy on what affirmations mean to her
Activities
16 What is manifestation? Grace Victory on willing our dreams into reality
25 Master your memory
The tip to help you spell any word
78 Put your mind to the test Muddle through these puzzles
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98 Make a difference
Nine random acts of kindness
Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively. The festive season can be anxiety-inducing for many people, and with the increased expectations and responsibility it can feel quite overwhelming. This is why it’s so important to listen to how you feel, connect with your emotions, and try to trust what they may be telling you – as they will often guide you to a place a comfort. Check out p47 for some excellent tips on how you can manage your wellbeing during this time of year, and the worries the season may bring. Your anxieties are not permanent, and you have the power to overcome them. It’s possible for us all to enjoy what the festive season may bring. RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)
Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.
Our team EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor
One undeniable truth is that finding the right help for each individual is a journey – what works for one of us will be different for someone else. But don't feel disheartened if you haven't found your path yet. Our Happiful family can help you on your way. Bringing together various arms of support, each of our sister sites focuses on a different method of nourishing your wellbeing – from counselling, to hypnotherapy, nutrition, coaching, and holistic therapy.
Kathryn Wheeler | Head Writer Tia Sinden | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer Katie Hoare | Digital Marketing & Content Officer Grace Victory | Columnist Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor
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ART & DESIGN
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COMMUNICATIONS
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Ondine is an existential psychotherapist with an interest in depression.
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RELATIONSHIPS
Lockdown micro weddings could teach us a thing or two about love
The Uplift
When lockdown began in March, 73,600 weddings and civil partnerships were affected – and even more with lockdown 2.0. While many couples are making the difficult decision to postpone their weddings, others are considering their options – with Google Trends showing a 300% increase in the number of people searching for ‘elopement weddings’. There are going to be many life lessons learnt from lockdown (see p60 for some inspirational stories), but, according to Jane Caterer from Petite Weddings, we might also learn a thing or two about marriage. “Intimate weddings cut through all the stress that can be part and parcel of larger weddings for some people – be it expectations, family politics, or financial strain,” says Jane. “This leaves couples to focus on what truly matters: their love and commitment. “It’s been amazing to witness the outpouring of love and happiness that’s amplified in the pared-back experience of a micro wedding,” she says, reflecting on the couples she’s seen opt for smaller ceremonies since lockdown. “They feel confident to make the experience reflective of their romance and future commitment, without distraction. Intimate weddings are enveloped in complete love and support, with everyone feeling fully invested and involved.” Things are going to be done differently for some time, but something that never changes is the power of love, companionship, and a dash of romance.
SOCIETY
Brits drop the stiff upper lip
ENVIRONMENT
ASDA opens first sustainability store The supermarket giant is taking steps in the right direction Lately, we’ve all been thinking a little more about the things that we can do to protect the environment. One option is cutting back on the amount of plastic we’re using in our daily lives. Though, with plastic firmly ingrained in our society, this doesn’t come without challenges. But that could, finally, be changing. In a move to help customers chose greener options, superstore ASDA has opened a new sustainability trial store, partnering with some of the biggest brands in the UK – including PG Tips, Vimto, Kellogg’s, Radox, and Persil – for their plastic-free section in the Middleton, Leeds, store.
The trial is set to evaluate what works best for customers, with plans to roll it out to more locations in 2021, if it proves popular. “Our own insight tells us that more than 80% [of customers] believe that supermarkets have a responsibility to reduce the amount of single-use plastics in stores,” says Roger Burnley, CEO and president of ASDA. “We want to give them the opportunity to live more sustainably by offering them great product choices and value, underpinned by a promise that they won’t pay more for greener options at ASDA.” Is this the sign that a more sustainable world is on the horizon? We certainly hope so!
It’s an age-old stereotype that British people don’t like to talk about our feelings, and would prefer to stay quiet and try to work through them alone. But things seem to be changing for the better, as a new survey, from data research and analytics firm Glow, now shows. In the study, almost two-thirds of respondents reported that they felt comfortable asking for the help that they need, and also felt confident that they would be able to support others who are struggling with their own mental health, too. With a rise in the number of people speaking out about their mental health in the media and online, it makes sense that it may be becoming more normalised – and that, in turn, is affecting the ways that we speak and respond to the people in our own lives. So often, the first step to feeling better is to begin talking to others about the things that are going on out of view. And while stoicism has come hand-in-hand with British culture so far, breaking down the walls that we put up, and learning how to be there for one another, is a vision for a kinder future. So, perhaps we should be less ‘keep calm and carry on’ and more ‘keep calm and keep talking’. Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
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Clap for Our Carers 2020
Photography | Eric Johnson Photography / Shutterstock.com
Good news you might have missed It’s not all doom and gloom – here we revisit some of the most uplifting stories and positive news to come out of 2020, to shine a light on the kindness, compassion, and empathy that have truly been the highlights of our year Writing | Rebecca Thair
More women than ever are directing films, a report in January revealed, with twice as many directors of 2019’s top grossing films being female compared with 2018!
In March, after 240 days, New South Wales, Australia, was finally free of bushfires.
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Illustrating | Rosan Magar
RAMPING UP ACCESSIBILITY
MAGIC MELODIES
The right tune can make a big difference, with a study revealing that songs with a slow tempo, simple melody, and no lyrics, help you relax – and work in 13 minutes. Plus, if you’re feeling low, 13 minutes of music with lyrics that you can connect with may reduce overwhelm. I guess 13 might be a lucky number after all.
A disabled grandmother from Hanau, Germany, is paving the way in spreading awareness of the importance of accessibility. Having used a wheelchair for more than 20 years, Rita Ebel was frustrated with the difficulty of getting around town, and was inspired by another wheelchair user’s plans for a LEGO ramp. Using donated bricks sent from all over Germany, Rita builds and places the ramps around her home town as a useful tool for others with disabilities, visual impairments, and prams, and to draw attention to the obstacles wheelchair users face in their daily lives.
After 13 years of playing it cool, two giant pandas at the Ocean Park Zoo in Hong Kong have finally made a move – and conservationists couldn’t be happier. It seems that perhaps all the pair needed was a bit of privacy in order to mate, as the zoo closed to the public in January due to the pandemic. We’ll keep our fingers crossed for the patter of tiny paws soon...
Hamilfans around the world rejoiced as the movie of Hamilton was released 15 months ahead of schedule – thank goodness, because I was not willing to ‘wait for it’.
For the first time ever, renewable electricity exceeded fossil fuel generation during the first half of 2020! Fossil fuel use fell by 18%, and renewable energy increased by 11%, too.
To lift spirits during lockdown, furniture store IKEA decided to publish the recipe for its iconic meatballs so that frustrated fans could make them at home. In May, Moonpig launched a campaign for Mental Health Awareness Week encouraging people to see ‘the hidden message’, and to feel comfortable opening up. It gave out 25,000 free postcards as part of its mission to prompt people to reach out. WOOD YOU BE-LEAF IT Many of us found a new love of nature this year, as demonstrated by the record visits a tree mapping site received during lockdown. TreeTalk, which features the location and species of more than 700,000 trees in London, had a fiftyfold increase in visitors, with the site creating walks specific to users’ locations, and revealing information about the trees you pass along your way – along with how rare they are. The natural world awaits!
WHEN YOU’RE SMILING... With facemasks now a part of our daily lives, a Japanese store has found a novel way to ensure employees remain approachable. Staff members’ masks now have human smiles printed on them to display an endearing and friendly demeanour.
A mother-son team from India have gone viral with their Instagram account that shares wholesome and heartwarming motherly advice. Poonam and her son Pranav set up the ‘Mother With Sign’ account in January, sharing photos of Poonam holding signs with relatable and funny words of wisdom – and have now got more than 150,000 followers. One of our favourites is: “Even marathons are run one step at a time.”
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The city of Arnhem, in the Netherlands, is leading the way in combating climate change after unveiling 10-year plans to replace 10% of asphalt with grass and greenery. This move will help to absorb up to 90% of rainwater through the soil – addressing the frequent floods seen in recent years – as well as providing cooler areas with the additional foliage to assist with the increasing heat.
BEAVERING AWAY (AND BACK AGAIN) Since being hunted to extinction 400 years ago, beavers miraculously appeared in Devon in 2013. After a study revealed their positive impact on the environment, the beavers have now been given the ‘right to stay’ – hot dam!
BABY BOOM
An amazing seven mountain gorilla babies have been born in a Ugandan national park so far this year – more than twice as many as in 2019 in total!
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Lockdown quizmaster Jay Flynn was made an MBE after raising £750,000 for charity through his virtual pub quizzes. From being homeless in 2007, Jay now also finds himself a Guinness World Record holder for ‘most viewers of an online quiz’. Win, win!
After a two-month delay due to the pandemic, the world’s largest rooftop farm opened in Paris in July! Sitting atop a six-storey building, the plot covers 14,000 square metres and is expected to produce around 1,000kg of fruit and vegetables every day.
LEND ME SOME SUGAR One positive to come from the pandemic is seeing the growing connections in communities, as a study of 2,000 people by ‘Remember a Charity’ found that more than 50% have grown closer to their neighbours. It also revealed that just more than half of people believe that they are more appreciative of their local communities and charities due to Covid-19, and 47% are consciously choosing to value the smaller things in life.
In September, LEGO announced plans to phase out its single-use plastic bags used for loose bricks, and instead switch to recyclable, sustainably-sourced paper bags. The move is part of the toymaker’s mission to make all packaging sustainable by 2025 – with a £310 million global investment in the plans.
Undoubtedly the national treasure of 2020, Captain Sir Tom Moore, 100, launched a podcast in partnership with Cadbury and charity Age UK’s ‘Donate Your Words’ campaign, which looks to tackle loneliness in elderly people. The podcast encourages youngsters to start conversations with older generations, by sharing fascinating life stories and unmissable anecdotes, including one 79-year-old’s kiss with Elvis Presley!
A REAL-LIFE SUPERHERO A disabled 14-year-old girl from Columbia, Missouri, has inspired millions of people by proudly demonstrating her incredible invention on a TEDx stage – and as she sees it, the creation gives her superhero abilities. Following a STEM workshop, Jordan Reeves, whose left arm stopped developing from her elbow, created a prosthetic arm using a 3D-printer that shoots glitter! Jordan hopes that her ‘Project Unicorn’ design can encourage other youngsters with disabilities to see the possibilities in them, rather than as hindrances. In Edinburgh, Scotland, a small village of 11 houses has been built on vacant land, with full-time support staff, to create a safe community for the homeless, and to help rehabilitate people. Ever get a song stuck in your head, but can’t quite place it? Google has launched a new hum-to-search feature allowing you to whistle, sing or hum to discover the song.
A school in Sydney, Australia, is breaking gender stereotypes, and teaching essential life skills, with lessons in hands-on car maintenance for Year 11 girls, including how to change a tyre, and what to do in a crash. The aim is to promote independence, strength, and resourcefulness.
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE A heartwarming video recently went viral, which captured the moment a couple, married for 60 years, were reunited after 215 days apart due to Covid-19 restrictions! Joseph and Eve Loreth were staying at an assisted living home in Florida, when Joseph had to undergo rehabilitation at another location. The joy of seeing these true loves finally being together again after such a stressful time is an incredibly moving moment.
The comeback of the year in 2020 has certainly been that of the ‘drivein’. From concerts to movies, we’ve embraced some socially distanced outdoor fun.
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The low-down on manifestation...
wit h Grace
Whether you’ve heard about it on social media, or in self-help and female empowerment books, ‘manifesting’ has become a real buzz word – and it’s one our columnist Grace uses daily. Here, she shares everything you need to know about the power of ‘manifestation’ and how to make it work for you
W
hen I was 23, I began searching for ways to connect to myself more deeply, as well as how to create a life that I really wanted – and this is when I discovered the power of manifesting. We are conditioned and programmed by the beliefs of adults around us growing up, our childhood experiences, and any trauma we may have been through. From a young age, I didn’t want to be a statistic or a product of my environment; I wanted more for myself, even if wanting more was against all odds. In my early 20s, I stumbled across the documentary The Secret – and it completely changed my life. It confirmed how powerful I perceived visualisations and positive self-talk to be. As a child, I had an innate knowledge that if I believed I could, I would, and essentially that is what manifesting is. The stories we tell ourselves eventually become our reality through our perspectives. A
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lot of these perspectives are subconscious, and until we become aware of them, they act as scripts that play out throughout our lives. If we were bitten by a dog as a child, we might have a fear as an adult that we will be bitten again, thus resulting in certain behaviours and thought patterns that may come to fruition. Now, I’m not saying that every tragic thing that happens in adulthood is a result of our own actions, but our thought patterns and subsequent behaviours do have the ability to create experiences – both positive and negative. We create our lives and get to choose who we will become through what we think, how we talk to ourselves, and the actions we take based on those thoughts. Manifesting is the universal law of attraction “thoughts become things”, and the way in which we can bring tangible things into our life through mindset, thought patterns, and action. We have the ability to manifest anything – a car, a holiday, a relationship, a job. But the tricky part is, we have to:
1. Really believe we deserve whatever we are trying to manifest. 2. Be truly grateful for what we have right now.
It is the regular, sustained thoughts and core beliefs we have that can then be turned into our reality And both of these can be hard if you don’t have much self-belief, and you’re not entirely happy with where you are, or who you are right now. In order to manifest, we have to show gratitude and love, regardless of our circumstances. If you’re a particularly anxious person, you will be pleased to know that one single thought won’t come to fruition – if you have a random thought that the world is going to end, it’s very unlikely that it actually will. It is the regular,
@GRACEFVICTORY How to start manifesting: Be specific The universe cannot provide you with what you want if you don’t know what you want. So, you want a new car? What model is it? What colour? How does it feel when you sit inside it? How does it smell? Visualise it all, because if it’s real inside your mind and heart, it will become real inside your life. Vocalise your desires Talk to and seek guidance from whatever you believe in – a deity, the universe, or even nature. If you don’t ask, you don’t get, and you can ask for anything – there is nothing that you don’t deserve. You have to believe you are worthy of whatever your heart desires. Take action You have to take action in creating a life that you want. You can’t sit around waiting for change, you have to actively seek it. And there are signs all around us, guiding us down the right path. Signs can come in many forms – we just have to be open to receiving them.
sustained thoughts and core beliefs we have that can then be turned into our reality. Of course, we also need to put our thoughts and words into action, too. You’re not going to buy a house, or be able to travel the world, if you’re sitting around all the time. Manifestation magic can only work if you work, too! Studies have shown that how a person sees the world is the
world which they will create, so if you want a life full of abundance, joy, and love, you have to actively seek it, believe you’re worthy of it, and that it is already here.
Love Grace x
Be grateful Showing gratitude for where we are right now, what we have, and who we are – even if we aren’t entirely satisfied – will put us on a more positive frequency. Every day, take time to be grateful for what you have in your life. You can be grateful for sunshine, for rain, for a hot shower, for your kids, for fluffy socks – for anything. It’s the little things that truly make us happy after all.
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Family values
Among the routines, school runs, runny noses, and sleepless nights, it can be easy to put your own needs on the back burner. Fortunately, we have some tips to ensure you’re taking care of yourself, and your relationships, too Writing | Yvette Winstone Illustrating | Rosan Magar
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ork-life balance can be difficult for many people, and being responsible for a child can be another added challenge. Taking care of children can often take the focus, and with work and chores, along with social
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commitments, it can be a lot to juggle – where is the time for our relationships? Here we explore some thoughts on how to balance your role as a parent alongside your other relationships and identity, to feel the benefits of a more harmonious life.
1. Make a plan about who does what and when For couples returning from work, or having spent the day caring for the kids, it’s likely they may reach the end of the day feeling tired and stressed. Then comes the question: who’s responsible for what chores?
put into practise
Sometimes, it can be assumed that one parent will do certain tasks; this can lead to resentment and arguments. To ensure everyone is taking an equal share, it can help to sit down together and write a list of household duties. Communicate, and have a discussion about tasks – changing it up now and then to keep things balanced. For single parents, it can feel like everything’s on your plate. Depending on the age of your children, it might be worth having a discussion with them about how they can help out. Using an activity calendar with them can help spread out some responsibilities. And with younger children, it could be worth asking if family or friends can help out once a week, to give you a bit of a break where possible. 2. Ensure you have time for yourself, and your relationship Life is fast-paced and can be stressful, so it’s important to ensure that you are looking after yourself. Always remember, it’s not selfish to take some time to recharge your batteries. We want to enjoy our family life, and the time we spend together. When you put the children to bed and finish the chores, run a bath or read a book. Find time to unwind. Mindfulness can be helpful with this, and it doesn’t have to take long – try just 15 minutes of mindful practice or meditation, and see how quickly it can change your day.
If you’re in a relationship, it’s important to make time for each other as a couple. It’s not always possible to find a babysitter, but if you can, try to organise regular date nights where you can reconnect. You don’t even need to leave the house, just sit down together on the sofa and watch a film, put your phones away, and talk to each other.
Always remember, it’s not selfish to take some time to recharge your batteries 3. Keep up with your hobbies When you have a baby, the dynamics in your relationships – both with yourself and others – tend to change. Some people can also lose their sense of identity, and fall into the role of being ‘mum’ or ‘dad’. It’s important to spend time doing something you enjoy, on your own – continuing a hobby, or taking up a new one. Pursuing a hobby can help to stimulate your mind, and boost confidence, as we feel a sense of achievement.
4. Spend time together as a family It can be fun to pick a theme night once a week, such as Italian food on Wednesdays. You could also have a movie night, and take it in turns to choose a film. Some people use the alphabet game to choose family days out. Simply work through the alphabet, taking it in turns to pick an activity in line with each letter. This means that each family member gets to choose something fun, and you make new memories together. 5. Know that everyone has arguments It is important to realise that all families argue, but the trick is to be able to discuss things, and work through them together before they build up. Remember that it is about the give and take in a relationship, and there may be some things you need to compromise on. If a conversation with a partner is becoming heated, agree to have a 10-minute break to calm down before you discuss the issue. Communication, and working as a team, are really important in any relationship, and help to build an all-round better family life.
Yvette is a psychotherapist who works with children, adults, and couples. You can find her on counselling-directory.org.uk
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“
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us RALPH WALDO EMERSON
Illustration | Becky Johnston, @heybooxy
feeling festive
Small brands doing good Shop small this year, from the pick of our favourite independent sellers who, in their own way, are having a positive impact on the world Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
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hristmas is going to be a little different this year. But something that will never change is the power of generosity. Nothing beats the feeling of watching someone’s face light up with delight as they unwrap a thoughtful present selected just for them, and when you shop from independent sellers, not only are you able to uncover truly unique gifts, but you’re also supporting a dream. For your loved ones, to pop on your own list, or simply a gift from you to you (we won’t tell), without further ado, let us present to you the Happiful Christmas gift guide, 2020... >>>
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Pure Thoughts, meditation candle The perfect antidote for a long, tiring day, the mediation candles from Pure Thoughts are slow-burning, cruelty-free, soy wax candles, that use pure essential oils to help ease your mind with their gentle amber glass glow. Choose from love, gratitude, peace, and trust scents, or go all-in with the complete gift set. Prices start at £16.00, purethoughts.co.uk
Rosi Tooth, artwork print Lover of all things playful and pink, Rosi Tooth is a Bristol-based artist and designer. With a refined talent for capturing the quirky moments in everyday life, her prints are bound to brighten up any wall and make for excellent conversation starters, as well as serving as a reminder to embrace the small moments of joy and empowerment that usually pass us by. Prices start at £10.00, rosi-illustration.com
About: Blanks, notebook This is a notebook, with a difference. Made by reusing old book covers, About: Blanks gives new life to materials that would otherwise be thrown away. Filled with responsibly sourced, unlined, light cream paper, these notebooks are the perfect gift for the jotter in your life. Prices start at €11.95, about-blanks.com
Yorkshire Blankets, throw
Some like it hot, and for spice lovers, you can’t go wrong with chilli sauce from ChilliChopCo. Based in Essex, these Africaninspired sauces are designed to help take cooking from novice to expert level, all with the scoop of a spoon. Pick from Three Chilli Sauce, Jollof Sauce, and Sweet & Spicy Chutney. £5.99, chillichopco.com
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Images: ChilliChopCo | Instagram @chillichopco
ChilliChopCo, chilli sauce
Make it a cosy Christmas with a throw from Yorkshire Blankets. Handmade in the north of England, using eco-friendly materials, choose from an extensive range of neutral, patterned, and colourful blankets – sure to warm any and all cockles this winter. Prices start at £18.00, yorkshireblankets.co.uk
The Clay Drop, earrings If you’re on the hunt for unique, handmade jewellery, look no further than The Clay Drop. Crafted from polymer clay, these earrings come in eye-catching patterns, droolworthy colours, and quirky shapes – guaranteed to make a statement. And watch out for special charity ranges, so you can look good and do good at the same time. Prices start at £8, theclaydrop.co.uk
La Basketry, DIY kits Crafting is a wonderful way to unwind and let your mind run free, and with the DIY kits from La Basketry, you can do just that – plus, by the time you’re done, you’ll have a usable basket to show for it. Choose from twine sets in a range of sizes and customisable colour schemes, or opt for a minimalist-looking rope basket, all designed for beginners. Prices start at £25.00, labasketry.com
House of Kato, house plants To add a dash of greenery to urban homes, House of Kato is a sustainable, eco-friendly, online plant shop that delivers the joys of nature straight to your door. Browse their extensive collection of unique and conspicuous plants, perfect for brightening up any space. Prices start at £8.00, houseofkato.com
Tilda’s Tribe, Naked Box
Glass Half Full Glasgow, lavender eye pillow
If you have dry or sensitive skin, goat’s milk skincare is a total treat – and, for anyone else, it also offers a host of vitamins, minerals, and healthy acids. Tilda’s Tribe goat’s milk soaps come straight from the source – three Yorkshire goats: Gurti, Wooly, and Joanna. The Naked Box gift-set allows you to pick four bars of soaps in different scents, with the option of adding beeswax wraps and a soap dish, to help extend the life of these plasticfree goodies. Prices start at £13.00, tildastribe.co.uk
Handmade in Glasgow, for those looking to elevate their self-care routine, these lavender eye pillows take relaxation to the next level. Available in a huge range of removable and washable patterned fabrics, find the perfect match for any lucky receiver. £10.00, etsy.com/uk/ shop/GlassHalfFullGlasgow
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Sweet Backflip, book stamps For book-lovers who like to make a mark, the personalised book stamps from Sweet Backflip are a great way to add a unique touch to any personal library. Choose from a range of different designs, from traditional to contemporary, and be assured of the quality by requesting a free proof with your order. Prices start at £18.00, sweetbackflip.com
Dark Sugars, hot chocolate From a journey that began on a stall in Borough Market, Dark Sugars now sell luxurious Ghananian hot chocolate from their Brick Lane shop and online. There’s a hot chocolate kit for everyone, including vegans, with flavours including warming cinnamon and intense pitch-black. Prices start at £19.95, darksugars.co.uk
Celebrate the power of friendship, by gifting the ‘friendship’ mug from Kate Brigden Ceramics. Hand-painted in the UK, these simple pieces pack a whole load of charm and, what’s even better, 10% from the sale of every ‘friendship’ mug is donated to The Prince’s Trust ‘Women Supporting Women’, an initiative helping young women gain the skills needed to live, learn, and earn. £26.00, notonthehighstreet.com/ katebrigdenceramics
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Inject a dash of colour into your home with the kitchen range from Bespoke Binny, all made with beautiful Africaninspired patterns, with the aprons lined with thick cotton twill and the mitts suitably filled with heat resistant wadding. And to round it off, the aprons are also available in a child’s size, for the budding chef in your life. Prices start at £16.99, bespokebinny.com
MUD Urban Flowers, dried flowers Dried flowers are the gift that keeps on giving, as you can create the illusion of fresh blooms, with real flowers that can last for up to three years. MUD Urban Flowers create bouquets in a range of colours and styles, from traditional white daisies to irresistible coloured bunny tails (a must-see!). Prices start at £20.00, mudurbanflowers.com
Images: Dark Sugars | darksugars.co.uk, MUD Urban Flowers| mudurbanflowers.com
Kate Brigden Ceramics, ‘friendship’ mug
Bespoke Binny, aprons and oven mitts
Visual recall If there are certain words you always struggle to spell, try this neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) technique that can help improve your memory
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Write d own th e word always that eludes you on a piece of pape r or fla shcard.
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Move the paper so it’s in the top left of your field of vision.
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on, word later e th g in ll e Try sp when d to the left n a p u g in k loo our ill prompt y w is h T . o you d make , and should ll a c e r l a u is v the remember to r e si a e it lling! correct spe
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While the pa per is this p in ositio n, spe the w ll ord ou t loud .
Bonus tip!
Try spelling the word backwards and forwards when you first read it in the top left of your vision. This can help improve your recall further!
Ko
What is A dance between shadow and light that we can all relate to – we explore the meaning behind komorebi, and the lessons it can teach us about mental health Writing | Kat Nicholls
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Illustrating | Rosan Magar
very time I look up from my desk, I see my favourite art print – The Shyness of Trees by Marcel George. Imagining you’re looking straight up towards the sky, the illustration depicts a canopy of trees with channel-like gaps between the crowns, caused by a phenomenon known as ‘crown shyness’. Whenever I look at it, I feel small in a wonderful way. In real life, the space between the canopy and branches allows sunlight to gently filter through. In Japan, the dappled light this creates is called komorebi (pronounced koh-mo-
reh-bee) and is made up of the kanji characters for tree (木), shine through (漏れ), and sun (日). The contrast between sunlight and shadow, and the way the two dance, is a sight artists of all types try to capture – just look at Claude Monet’s Garden Path and The Olive Tree Wood in the Moreno Garden. The beauty of komorebi isn’t just skindeep, however. The interplay of light and dark can teach us a thing or two about life and wellness. For example, there can be times in our lives when we feel shrouded in shadow. Perhaps our mental health is suffering, we’re experiencing grief, rejection, or disappointment.
Komorebi meditation To help you feel more present and appreciate komorebi, try this short meditation: • Find a comfortable seat and surround yourself with a scent you love. • Close your eyes and take three deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth. • Visualise yourself on a path in a forest. There’s a soft breeze
When we feel like this, existential psychotherapist Ondine Smulders encourages us to remember that everything passes, including the darkness. “Rather than consider this process pessimistically, we can see it for what it is: a process of continual change whereby experiences of pain and sorrow are as definite to pass as life’s special moments.” As well as recognising this impermanence in life, Ondine suggests that we find acceptance for the fact that the journey to mental wellness is rarely linear. Ondine likens it to a path, slowly winding up a mountain. “For some of us, the healing will be a relatively gentle walk. For others, it will be a steep hike. We’re all different and so, every journey is different. “Be prepared for setbacks, perhaps even for moments where you believe you’ve gone backwards. Sometimes we make lots of headway, other times we get stuck and need to make a
and dappled light appears all around you. • Take your breath a little deeper, and focus on the movement of the light and shadow. • If any other thoughts come up, let the gentle breeze take them away and refocus your attention on the light. • When you’re ready to return to your day, take another deep breath and bring movement to
U-turn. It may be tempting to give up when you feel worse and your progress appears to have ground to a halt. Before you do, take stock, and see how far you’ve come in spite of the problems.” When we give ourselves the space to do this, we allow ourselves to cherish the positives. Even if we discover something isn’t helpful for us, Ondine notes that it’s still a step forward.
The interplay of light and dark can teach us a thing or two about life and mental wellness These darker moments in our journey may be difficult, but they’re also a sign that we’re showing up in our own life. But how can we see the light, or komorebi, when there’s a lot of darkness? Ondine suggests
your limbs as you reconnect with your surroundings. • Gently open your eyes and remember you can come back to this forest any time you want.
staying active, managing stress, and reaching out to friends, family, and professionals. “Make time to discover how to care for yourself in your own way, too,” Ondine says. “I try to look up during my daily walk so I can discover something new that I haven’t spotted yet. “You don’t need to be in the perfect forest to see komorebi. Just one tree and a bit of sun through the clouds will do.” Our paths may be different, but now and then we can look around, notice the komorebi and appreciate the gentle dance between light and dark.
Ondine is an existential psychotherapist with an interest in depression. To learn more about Ondine Smulders and to find professional support, visit counselling-directory.org.uk
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How to apologise, authentically Begrudgingly, desperately, softly, sincerely – however you go about it, we all have to make up for the things we’ve done every now and then. But how can we ensure that our apologies have real meaning? With help from psychotherapist Ruth Parchment, we explore what makes a real apology, and the tips you can use to make amends, for good Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
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he importance of apologies is something that’s drilled into us from when we’re young children. Think back – can you remember parents and teachers instructing you to apologise to a friend or sibling following a quarrel? The simple phrase, “I’m sorry,” becomes part of our vocabulary very early on, but how many of us go on to learn how to apologise with real depth? A study commissioned by PiCKUP! found that the average
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adult in the UK apologises eight times a day, adding up to 4,380 times a year. Now, not every one of those apologies will be over the big stuff – they’re more likely to be for those accidentally bumps when you’re out and about, being a couple of minutes late for a meeting, or even just saying sorry too many times – but the sheer number of apologies we get through does tell us something about the slight flippancy of the word ‘sorry’.
Think about it: have you ever received an apology from someone else that feels slightly surface-level? Or have you found yourself uttering those words obediently at the end of an argument, without really considering the weight of what you’re saying? The truth is, there’s an art to apologising that a lot of us aren’t taught. But we’re about to change that. “Unhelpful apologies can happen both intentionally and unintentionally,” explains Ruth
put into practise
Finding the ‘sweet spot’ In 2005, Cynthia M Frantz, from Oberlin College, Ohio, published a study titled ‘Better Late Than Early’ where she looked at the importance of timing when apologising. To illustrate this, Frantz asked 83 students to imagine that a friend had forgotten to meet them for a party, and had gone alone. She asked them to visualise the friend apologising at different points in the conversation, following the mix-up. The students responded most positively when the apology was delivered after they had been able to vent, express themselves, and feel heard. As Frantz sees it, the ‘apology curve’ is U-shaped, and apologies that come too late or too early after the fall-out are likely to fail – there’s a sweet spot in the middle. But where this falls depends entirely on the individual circumstances.
Parchment, a psychotherapist with a special interest in forgiveness and authenticity. “They may form patterns of behaviour that are developed over time – an instantaneous reaction to feeling accused of doing something wrong.” Ruth points to the wise words of Dr Karina Schumann, who has studied apologies and suggests that: “Apologies disrupt our selfimage of being a ‘good person’ who is moral, decent, fair, and caring.” When we apologise,
Ruptures are an inevitable part of connections; we come from different backgrounds, life experiences, values, and perspectives we’re faced with feelings of shame and vulnerability – things we might want to mask with shallow words.
But it’s worth working through those uncomfortable feelings. An authentic apology shows that you acknowledge the hurt you’ve caused, which helps build trust and respect – two cornerstones to a healthy relationship. “Ruptures are an inevitable part of connections; we come from different backgrounds, life experiences, values, and perspectives,” adds Ruth. “Genuine apologies can have a positive impact on your selfesteem and self-confidence. >>>
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There’s a sense of relief and integrity that apologies provide.” So what are the tips and techniques that we can use to start apologising from the heart? Ruth explains:
Common mistakes to avoid
You will have heard these phrases countless times, and may have even fallen back on some yourself. But what exactly is wrong with them, and what are the implications of our words?
Giving a grudging apology. For example: “OK, just move on, I’m sorry,” or “Fine, I’m sorry. There I’ve said it!” A grudging apology is made reluctantly and with resentment. It’s not about the person who has been hurt, but rather about alleviating discomfort at being accused of wrongdoing. It sends a message of not really caring about the harm caused to the person owed an apology.
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Not expressing any genuine regret. “I was just joking,” and “I guess I should say sorry,” are examples of non-apologies that do not show genuine regret. A sincere apology demonstrates remorse for our actions. In non-apologies there’s an absence of keywords and actions that signal regret. Directly verbalising wrongdoing acknowledges the impact of hurtful actions.
Not accepting responsibility. Words such as “I’m sorry but…” or “It wouldn’t have happened if...” deflect responsibility for the hurt caused and are excuses. Instead of remorse, there’s blame – and a justification for our actions is prioritised.
Giving an in-direct apology. “I’m sorry that you feel that way,” is another non-apology. There’s an implicit message of the hurt person being hypersensitive or irrational. Instead of admitting to any wrongdoing, it implies that the person’s emotions are the problem, rather than the actions.
put into practise
How to apologise constructively
To apologise in a constructive way, Ruth suggests four tips from When Sorry Isn’t Enough, by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas. Express regret. This means showing that you are genuinely sorry for your actions. The words “I am sorry” are crucial, alongside acknowledging what you have done.
Genuine repentance. Genuinely repenting shows that you will make endeavours to not repeat your actions. Because words alone can be hollow, empty, and meaningless, it helps to exemplify the ways in which you plan to change and not repeat your wrongdoing. An apology becomes more sincere when you can provide assurance that you do not intend to repeat your mistake.
Accept responsibility. Instead of making excuses, or trying to justify your actions, show that you are owning your mistake or wrongdoing. Instead of “I’m sorry I have upset you,” you might say: “I’m sorry that I shouted at you, it was my fault.”
Genuine apologies can have a positive impact on your self-esteem and self-confidence
Make restitutions. Restitutions open communication with the person hurt and show that you care. By asking: “What can I do to make it right?” there is a chance to recompense for the hurt caused, and what may have been lost as a result.
Request forgiveness. What’s key is an awareness that it is a choice that lies with the person who has been hurt. Rather than demanding forgiveness and expecting it, it’s crucial to impart an apology with humility and openness.
Building bridges, making amends, putting it behind us – isn’t it funny how all the phrases we use around apologies involve an action? When we ask for forgiveness and admit our wrongdoings with purpose and insight, we’re actively making a move towards a kinder, more sympathetic, and honest connection. We won’t say it’ll always be easy, but when it comes to nurturing relationships it’s worth putting the effort into the small things, because it’s better safe than sorry.
Ruth Parchment is a psychotherapist who specialises in CBT and helping people connect with their value. Find out more by heading to counselling-directory.org.uk
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“
When you can’t change the direction of the wind – adjust your sails H JACKSON BROWN JR
Photography | Roberto Nickson
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put into practise
The complete guide to pregnancy anxiety Is pregnancy anxiety normal? Will worrying affect my baby? We share everything you need to know about experiencing pregnancy anxiety, and explain how you can feel calmer and more in control
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eneath the ‘pregnancy glow’, the ‘exciting times’, and the months of planning and preparation, there can be a whole host of emotions you may not have been expecting while pregnant – including anxiety, stress, worry, and fear. Whether you’re a first-time mum who doesn’t quite know what to expect, or are already a parent who has faced a tough past pregnancy or birth, feeling apprehensive is completely natural.
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
According to a study by King’s College London released in 2018, one in four pregnant women will experience a mental health problem while they are expecting. Of the 545 women who were interviewed, 15% were seen to be experiencing anxiety, with a further 11% experiencing depression.
When does anxiety become a problem?
No matter what your journey to becoming pregnant may
have involved, pregnancy itself is a huge, life-changing event – it’s only natural to feel anxious, unsure, or scared at times. Hormonal changes can play havoc with your emotions, which can lead you to feel even more worried. And hearing ‘horror stories’ from friends and family, can also exacerbate apprehension. While there’s no such thing as a ‘normal’ level of anxiety (we all experience worries to different degrees), it’s natural to feel some >>>
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Having people you can rely on is more important than ever, as you start this new phase of your life level of anxiety. But if you start to feel anxious all of the time, your worrying thoughts outweigh your everyday thoughts, or you find your anxiety is interfering with your dayto-day life, you may benefit from seeking support. If you’re experiencing antenatal or prenatal anxiety (anxiety while you are pregnant), postnatal anxiety (during the first year after your child is born), or perinatal anxiety (anytime from becoming pregnant to a year after giving birth), it’s important to speak with your GP, midwife, or consultant about how you’re feeling. They can help to assess your symptoms and find out what will work best for you, so that the feelings are no longer overwhelming.
What support is available?
Depending on your individual circumstances and what’s available in your local area, there are many Symptoms of anxiety can include: • Fast breathing • Sweating, dizziness, or nausea • A rapid or irregular heartbeat • Trouble sleeping or concentrating • Feeling irritable, restless, or short-tempered • Panic attacks • Difficulty controlling or stopping anxious thoughts • Feeling on edge or anxious a lot, or most of the time
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treatment options you could be offered. According to the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE), you should be offered talking therapies before prescription medication. Counselling for anxiety is one of the most common forms of treatment. By talking with a therapist, you can uncover specific triggers for your anxiety, as well as coping techniques to manage these feelings. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a commonly recommended form of talking therapy that can help you recognise how your thoughts affect your feelings and behaviour.
How can I manage pregnancy anxiety?
There are a multitude of ways you can try to manage feelings of worry and anxiety, so it’s worth exploring your options to discover what works best for you – there’s no right or wrong way to find help.
Develop your support network Having people you can rely on is more important than ever, as you start this new phase of your life. If you have a partner, they can be a key source of emotional support – but it’s important to make sure that they aren’t your sole source of help. Having an outside party you can turn to, who isn’t experiencing the same ups and downs, can help by offering a different perspective. •F riends and family can offer a great deal of support. Being open about how you’re feeling can allow them to recognise signs that you’re struggling, and encourage them to reach out without prompting. •A ttending antenatal classes can not only help you to feel more prepared and confident about your baby’s
put into practise
birth, but also provides a great opportunity to meet other soonto-be parents. • There are numerous online forums and groups you can join for free. Facebook offers local and general groups for expecting and new parents, while forums like Mumsnet offer advice and support on everything from conception to dealing with teens (and all the bits in between). •A pps such as Peanut help likeminded women chat, meet, and learn from each other about fertility and motherhood, while Mush – the self-proclaimed ‘friendliest app for mums’ – can help you to make local friends with children the same age, arrange meetups, and get advice.
Keep a diary Regularly writing in a digital or physical diary can help track your feelings, record when you’re feeling anxious, and begin noticing patterns or triggers you may have. Try to write down when, what, and how you’re feeling – this can help you to pick up on not only what is causing you the most anxiety, but also to work out what helps you feel calm and in control. Open up with your employers and colleagues Not everyone may feel comfortable with this, but having a supportive work environment can be key to enabling you to feel calm and avoid overwhelm at work. You’re already anxious about so many things – with an understanding boss and colleagues, work doesn’t have to be one of them. You may not need to tell your employer you are pregnant until 15 weeks before your due date, but telling them sooner may reduce some of the anxiety around taking time off for antenatal appointments, as well as helping you to avoid any worries around pregnancy symptoms while at work, such as morning sickness, mood swings, or feelings of overwhelm.
Explore hypnobirthing for labour fears, stress, pain, and birth anxiety The more tense, anxious, or stressed you feel during labour, the more likely you are to feel pain as your body releases stress hormones – such as adrenaline. This can mean that blood is pushed towards the bigger muscle groups in your limbs as your body prepares for ‘fight or flight’, reducing blood and oxygen to your womb, which can make these muscles less efficient. As you feel more stressed, your body is also less likely to produce ‘love hormones’, which can naturally help ease the pain of labour.
Try to write down when, what, and how you’re feeling – this can help you to pick up on not only what is causing you the most anxiety, but also to work out what helps you feel calm and in control.
Feeling calm, relaxed and in control really is an important part of preparing for giving birth! Typically recommended to begin around 25–30 weeks into pregnancy, you can still benefit from hypnobirthing classes (in-person or online, as a group, with your partner or solo) at any point during your pregnancy. >>>
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For more support and information on pregnancy anxiety and how to overcome it, you can find a wealth of resources, articles, and professionals on our Happiful app.
Just learning some of the basic techniques and premises can be an immense help for anyone who feels particularly anxious about giving birth, or labour pain. Hypnobirthing can help by:
– Teaching you self-hypnosis techniques, visualisation, and breathing exercises. – Helping you to reframe giving birth in a more positive light, instead of focusing on what could go wrong or anticipating pain, by encouraging positive language. – Supporting you to gain a sense of control, reduce anxiety, and ease stress. – I nforming you about ideal positions to help shorten the length of labour.
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– Providing materials to help you practise the techniques at home. Take a look at your diet What you eat not only has a big impact on how your baby is growing, but can also affect your mental health. The more wellrounded and nutrientrich your diet is, the more it can improve your mood, increase your energy levels, and even help you think more clearly and with clarity. “It’s not a widely known fact, but certain foods can exacerbate anxiety symptoms,” health nutritionist Charlotte Turner explains. “I think most people would understand that caffeine may be a trigger mechanism, as it heightens your senses and heart rate. “But the good news is that the foods we eat can actually help us feel calmer and happier, too. Choosing foods that release tryptophan, such as bananas, turkey, and cashew nuts, can boost the happy hormone serotonin. Also, when we are stressed or anxious, our bodies can become depleted of certain vitamins and other micronutrients that may need to be rebalanced. “If you want to learn a few tips and tricks to give your body a real boost
to fight back against your anxiety, then speaking to a nutritionist who can help you understand and advise you on foods to consume based on your lifestyle may give you the biggest chance of success.” If you’re worried about your levels of anxiety, or are struggling with any aspect of pregnancy (regardless of your due date, or whether you’ve recently given birth), looking after your mental health is vital. The Mental Health Foundation estimates around 50% of perinatal mental health problems go untreated or undetected, which can have a devastating impact on you and your family during a time when you most need help. By reaching out and getting help and support, you can begin to turn feelings of stress and anxiety back into excitement and joy.
Holiday to-do list Essential ideas to celebrate the festive season
atch your favourite classic W Christmas movie
ear an ‘ugly’ W Christmas jumper
Play a board game
H ave a virtual Christmas party and belt out some festive karaoke tunes
ake some winter-themed B cookies njoy a hot chocolate, filled E to the brim with whipped cream and marshmallows
Embrace novelty socks L isten to your body and what it needs
G o for a walk on a frosty morning
ut out some paper C snowflakes
W rite some heartfelt Christmas cards to loved ones you’ve missed this year
Build a gingerbread house
G et crafty and make your own tree decorations Donate to a clothing bank Complete a puzzle
R ead a story from your childhood S nuggle up on the sofa with someone you love S pend some quality time with you
Ask the experts Hypnotherapist Howard Cooper answers your questions on developing a positive mindset Read more about Howard on hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk
Q
I know Christmas won’t be the same this year, and it’s really getting me down. How can I let go of my expectations and enjoy the holiday season?
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Back in December 2019, how did you feel about 2020? Positive, right? Looking
Q
I’m finding it hard to focus on the positives right now. Do you have any exercises or suggestions that could help?
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Stop, close your eyes, and say to yourself, “I have to relax right now.” Notice how that
forward to a fresh New Year. What did that positive feeling tell you? Did it reveal anything about how 2020 was actually going to pan out? No! Perhaps those feelings that ‘Christmas will be a let down’ aren’t also entirely accurate. Imagining your ideal festive period, focusing on the past and what you loved most about it before, and then ruminating over all the reasons it can’t
be like that this year, is a sure-fire way to set yourself up for disappointment. Essentially, what you’re doing is getting caught up in a mental narrative of what isn’t happening. Instead, try to experience what is going on right now. Live in the moment. What if the best present to give yourself this Christmas is the gift of ‘being present’?
feels. Now repeat this same exercise, but this time say to yourself, “I’d like to relax.” Notice the difference. Which of these experiences helped you to relax more? The second one, right? The “have to” and the “right now”, probably felt like a demand you were placing on yourself, which usually creates much more tension in the body (making it
much less likely for relaxation to occur). So what if you stopped demanding that you must focus on positives right now? Perhaps letting go of the need to be positive at the moment is the thing that’s getting in your way. Instead, explore the idea that even though “you’d like to feel positive” you don’t always have to be.
Hynotherapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
feel good
Q
I need support with my mindset, and hear good things about hypnotherapy. Can you tell me more about how it helps?
A
TOP TIPS FOR STAYING POSITIVE 1. Let go of demands. Is there a universal law that says all people have to be positive? No! However, putting a lot of pressure on yourself to always be positive, ironically creates more tension. Instead, accept that feelings and thoughts come and go without trying to control them. Practising this mindset will lead to much more internal peace. 2. The past doesn’t equal the future. Often thoughts of
past failures colour one’s perceptions of how we think our future will unfold. But don’t fall for this illusion. Seeing mental images that we label ‘the past’ as ‘fleeting constructs in our mind’ helps liberate you from this trick. 3. Be kind to yourself. You don’t have to climb Mount Everest, solve ‘world peace’, or be productive all the time. Cut yourself some slack, and give yourself permission for regular mental downtime.
Have you ever had the experience where someone scrapes their fingernails down a blackboard so that it makes that sound? In fact, even just reading that sentence probably gave you a real squirmy feeling inside! But what was that squirmy response in relation to? It can’t have been from a scraping sound as it wasn’t really happening. Instead, all that happened was that when you read the sentence, at some level you imagined the blackboard and fingernails interacting, and became so absorbed in this thought that you responded to it as though it were real. That is hypnosis – imagination made so vivid that you have a real response to it. Now, what if you could learn to harness that power, so you could get so good at imagining success, happiness and positivity that your body responds to those instead?
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I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it MAYA ANGELOU
Photography | Oluwatobi Fasipe
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true story
12 steps to recovery
From a destructive childhood, talking drugs, drinking, and gambling, Jan tried countless treatments that all fell short. But with a new, warmer approach, he finally allowed himself to be vulnerable and found his way out of the negative spiral Writing | Jan Willem Poot
F
rom a very dark period of my life, I turned things around. When I was 12, I smoked weed, started gambling, and by the age of 18 I was using cocaine and drinking a bottle of vodka a day. But following my recovery, I put all my life lessons into practice, and am now running the biggest youth clinic in Europe. The rise of Yes We Can Youth Clinics has everything to do with how I broke down in my younger years. I come from a destructive family, where there was chaos, fights, and alcohol abuse. I was only nine years old when I started smoking cigarettes and skipping school. Between the ages of 10 and 12, my mom had a partner who terrorised my family, drinking profusely, was aggressive, and cursed all day. It was horrible, but I didn’t do anything with all those violent experiences – and nobody gave me a reason to talk about it. That’s why, since the age of 12, I mainly lived on the streets. I was surrounded by people who had experienced similar issues, and I got stuck in a downward spiral. We kept each other in this bad situation. Smoking weed and gambling: that seemed to be the solution for me to not think about anything, and to not have to feel anything.
When I hit puberty, my parents started to see that things weren’t going well. They tried everything, and in 1991 they sent me to a reeducation camp. At the end, my friends and I were sent on a solo bivouac with money for food and drinks. But of course, we ended up buying cigarettes and alcohol instead. This was also the time that school didn’t work out. I was held back three times, and in the end the school removed me. The next year, things got so bad I needed mental healthcare, and my search for change and answers began. This search, which lasted nine years, consisted of different treatments and hospitalisations, and I saw and felt a lot of unsafe situations – including drug abuse, fights, little-to-no connection with therapists, and absolutely no love or warmth. After my first admission to rehab, everything went downhill. I was completely isolated for two years, I used 24/7, my guilt doubled every day, while my self-esteem decreased. I truly hated myself and I pushed my boundaries. I was lonely. Very lonely. I continuously thought about taking my own life, and even my dad came by to say farewell. After this, I couldn’t do anything. I was emotionally and physically broken. >>>
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Left: Jan with his wife, Petra
In 2004, when I was 27, I accidentally received a note with a phone number to a helpline. I decided to call, and for the first time a friendly voice on the other end said: “It’s so brave that you are calling. Are you able to come by tomorrow morning? I’ll make sure you have a nice cup of tea.” Because of this warm person, and the way she treated me, I decided to give rehabilitation one last try. That’s how I arrived in a clinic in Scotland. I was extremely anxious. I couldn’t look people in the eyes. I lied about everything. I was an enormous ‘people pleaser’, scared that other people would harm me. In Scotland, after more than nine years of different mental healthcare services, and 20 psychiatrists, psychologists, and God knows how many other people, without any result, they realised they had to do something different. So instead they pushed me to connect, and overloaded me with attention and warmth. I spoke with experienced experts, who showed me their vulnerability. This gave me trust to be vulnerable, too. Very slowly, I was able to truly face myself and show my emotions. I felt warmth, love, and safety, for the first time. With the 12 Steps and the Minnesota Model, which was the core of the treatment in Scotland, I learned to acknowledge my problems and addictions, ask
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for help, face my own bad behavior, show my intention to work on this behavior, make amends with those people to whom I caused pain, and share my experience with others in need.
You can get off-track sometimes, but by never giving up and finding the right help, there is always a solution I’d been in the clinic from 16 November 2004 until 5 May 2005, and it was an incredible journey – life changing, I can say. One of the most important changes was forgiving the partner of my mom. As an addict, I was manipulating and cheating on people. I came to understand that through this bad behavior, I actually became a copy of him. Everything I blamed him for, I was doing myself. The same pain and grudge I felt, I saw in the people in my environment as well. That was extremely confronting.
true story
Below: Jan with Dutch Secretary of State for Health, Paulus Blokhuis
After the treatment, I did my utmost to put everything I had learned into practice. I went to meetings four times a week, I searched for a sponsor, and I followed the 12 Steps over and over again. But above all, I wanted to spread the love I had received, and to be thankful every day. I learned that if you want to keep what you have received, you need to give it away every single day. And that’s why I started Yes We Can Youth Clinics in 2011. Nowadays, Yes We Can Youth Clinics is a is a treatment centre in the Netherlands for youngsters between the ages of 13 and 25 years old, with mental health issues, addictions, and behavioral problems. More than 5,000 young people and their families have been treated, and
more than 330 caring colleagues are working on the recovery of these youngsters and their families each day. I think that every child growing up deserves a chance to live the best life they can. Very bad things have often happened to the youngsters arriving at Yes We Can Youth Clinics, and sometimes they did bad things to others as well. They took the wrong direction, because they didn’t see a way out anymore. It is our responsibility to bring those young people, with a full life ahead, back on the (right) track. With all the treatments I experienced myself, I got to know what people need to find a way out. We have found that our approach at Yes We Can Youth Clinics is working; more than 70% of the fellows leaving the clinic are not in need of specialised mental healthcare anymore. That is something we are very proud of! You can get off-track sometimes, but by never giving up and finding the right help, there is always a solution. We pay it forward; that is what I truly believe in, and that’s my mission now. Yes We Can!
OUR EXPERT SAYS Growing up, Jan had a difficult adolescence, with a sometimes chaotic family background that was often dangerous and violent. Feeling that there was nowhere to turn, he ended up using addictive behaviours to cope. Though he tried many treatments, he found it difficult to engage in his recovery until he experienced the acceptance of a kind individual
from a helpline. This call led to his success in a programme where he found the understanding and vulnerability he needed to heal. This is a crucial revelation: part of our recovery is about finding the right treatment for us. Now, he helps others with their own recovery. Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) counsellor
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The giver’s holiday survival guide Does the thought of Christmas put you on edge, as you start to mentally list everything you have to do and consider? It may be the season of giving, but that doesn’t mean you should burn yourself out. Follow these tips to find balance this year Writing | Helen Snape
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t this time of year, there’s a lot of pressure to make the holidays a magical time for everyone. We don’t want to let anyone down, and yet wonder if we’re going to get to the end of the season needing another holiday! It can feel like you are being pulled in every direction – by
Illustrating | Rosan Magar
family expectations, the financial pressure of finding perfect gifts, making sure everyone is having a good time, and finding it hard to say ‘no’ to requests – and that can quickly become overwhelming. Here are some simple steps to harnessing a sense of peace over the holiday period. Master ‘the pause’ If you find that you automatically say ‘yes’ to any request, next time someone asks you, inject a pause. Breathe. This is enough
for your conscious mind to recognise you have a choice. In many cases, you don’t need to give an instant reply. You can let the pause become a delay by saying something like: “I’ll get back to you on that” or “I need some further information from you about that.” This gives you time to check in with yourself about what you really think and feel, and how you actually want to respond. The automatic ‘yes’ often comes from trying to avoid feeling guilty when we say ‘no’. You can handle that feeling, and know you must take care of yourself first. Forget expectations Other people will have expectations, but you don’t have to adhere to them. Even more so, you may have burdensome expectations for yourself. You may over-commit yourself, or expect that you won’t get angry
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Remember to turn that wonderful attention that you give to everyone else towards yourself
with the same relative who annoys you every year. Expectations can set you up for disappointment, so try to re-frame them as preferences. Instead of: “I expect to have a phone call with my father on Christmas Day” it becomes: “I would prefer it if I had a telephone call with my father on Christmas Day.” Ask for help You may be used to helping others, and yet feel you shouldn’t have any needs, or that no one wants to help. Most people do want to help, but they may worry that they’re interfering if they offer, or figure that you will ask if you need help. Remember that other people can’t read your
mind, and if you need help, please ask for it. There is a good chance you will get the help you need, and you won’t feel resentful about having to do it all on your own afterwards. Put self-care at the top of your list Remember to turn that wonderful attention you give to everyone else towards yourself, and to ask yourself every day: ‘What do I need?’ Then, make sure you meet that need. It could be rest, chatting with a friend, going to bed on time, and so on. This will help you to avoid running on empty, and will instead mean that when you do give to others, it will be from a place of fulfilment.
Take the good and leave the rest Enjoy your favourite Christmas show that leaves you feeling warm and fuzzy inside. Even if the parsnips are burnt, take pleasure in the rest of the meal. Maybe your family is dysfunctional. You can still feel touched by the conversation you had with your mother about her life growing up. You can still enjoy witnessing your nephew learning to walk. You can look out at the sky, the clouds, the stars. They are always there for you. Sure, some things won’t go to plan. But you can still take the good from it all, and leave the rest.
Helen Snape is a qualified coach, mediator, and mentor. Get in touch with her through lifecoach-directory.org.uk
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Partnership
feature
Happ iful loves...
Ponderlily
Photography | Georgia De Lotz
p o n d e r l i l y. c o m
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Thoughtfully designed, ethically made, and quite frankly beautiful, whatʼs not to love about Ponderlilyʼs range of planners and journals? The team at Happiful already have the 2021-ready gift-set (and who isnʼt ready to say goodbye to 2020?!), ruby red travelersʼ journal, and smile-inducing marigold weekly planner on our Christmas lists. Whatʼs more, we really love Ponderlilyʼs ethos. They believe that we should all make space for meaning in our lives, and take a little time out of each day to focus on our own thoughts and needs. We couldnʼt agree more.
feeling festive
How to navigate the holidays with
social anxiety
Whether it’s a face-to-face catch up (socially distanced, of course), numerous phone calls, or another Zoom hangout, if the thought of social gatherings over the festive period makes you uncomfortable, we’ve got six essential tips to help you manage your social anxiety and sleigh all day Writing | Katie Hoare
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or anyone struggling with social anxiety, Christmas is often a time when the festive cheer is replaced with a heightened sense of fear. And although the opportunities to socialise may look a little different this winter, it doesn’t mean that feelings of social anxiety will ease. Sometimes, fewer people can actually mean more pressure.
Artwork | Charlotte Reynell
Social anxiety is an overwhelming, persistent fear of social situations, specifically relating to the fear of being watched or judged, saying the wrong thing or embarrassing yourself. This mental health condition can affect all areas of your life – even your ability to do everyday tasks. And, it is very common. As we enter the second full lockdown in the UK, December
might look a little unpredictable. But whether we’re able to meet in small groups by Christmas, or are socialising virtually, you can still feel that pressure to push the connect button on a video chat, or attend a family meal. At a time when there are multiple friendship, work and family groups to catch-up with, here’s how you can navigate the festive season with social anxiety. >>>
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1 Enlist a confidante Share your thoughts and worries with a trusted member of your family or friends, someone you feel comfortable with. If an event gets too much, you’ll have support in place to spot the signs of your heightened anxiety or the trigger, and comfort you if needed. In sharing your worries, you can also manage your family’s expectations of you.
According to charity MQ, anxiety has trebled in the UK since 2008
2 Learn to say ‘no’ Knowing your boundaries is important at Christmas, as increased social interaction and forced cheer can add pressure to portray the ‘perfect festive attitude’. But if a certain social event is bothering you, or there are too many events going on, politely decline. It’s perfectly acceptable not to attend something, but be mindful that you don’t fall into a cycle of not attending anything, feel guilty for missing out, and then remain disconnected all the time. Take small steps to push your boundaries, but be aware of your triggers.
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3 Challenge your thoughts On the flip side, learning to identify and challenge reallife examples of automatic negative thoughts associated with social environments, can go a long way in combatting social anxiety. Take a recent situation where you felt uncomfortable, and break it down into bite-size pieces. Identify the specific negative thoughts you had, and write them down. Try to challenge a negative thought and provide a plausible alternative. For example: “She was yawning throughout our conversation. That must mean I’m really boring.” Instead, practise replacing that thought with the focus on the other person: “She was yawning a lot at the event, perhaps she had a bad night’s sleep.”
4 Avoid the comparison trap Christmas can be a particularly difficult time if you struggle with comparing yourself to others. Party dresses, presents, New Year plans, and even festive food, can add to a catalyst of low self-confidence and anxiety. It’s easier said than done, but be gentle with yourself. If you’re in the presence of other people (be it virtual or other means), you’ve already taken a big step forward, and that’s worth celebrating.
feeling festive
Social anxiety is believed to affect one in 10 people 5 Switch to an external focus When specific events or situations arise that enhance your anxiety, try to focus on the people around you, and really listen to what they’re saying. This will help your physical signs of anxiety to settle, and encourage you to tune out of negative thoughts. If you’re constantly focusing on your body betraying your nervousness, the obsessive concentration will further fuel your anxiety. You can’t pay attention to two things at once, so try to switch to an external focus.
6 Plan ‘you-time’ As with any part of life, ‘youtime’ is particularly important to rebalance, de-stress, and spend some time doing the things you enjoy as just you, as opposed to ‘we’. Our everyday routine is often disrupted at Christmas, so ensure you have some uninterrupted time, and a space where you can retreat, to ensure you reconnect with yourself and your needs.
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“
Where there is no struggle, there is no strength OPRAH WINFREY
Photography | Rustem Baltiyev
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Happiful reads... From saving money to changing the world, we share four upcoming books you won’t want to miss Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
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ith the holiday season rapidly approaching, we could all do with a few hints and tips to help us save money without feeling like we’re missing out. Bargainhunter, mum, and founder of the Extreme Couponing and Bargains UK Facebook group, Holly Smith, has cut thousands of pounds from her shopping and bills each year. Known for sharing her advice, hints, and tips across
TikTok, YouTube, and Instagram, Holly has been helping people save and make money using simple but life-changing ideas. For the first time in print, Holly shares both her and her community’s top moneysaving hacks to help with costly moments in our lives – from little everyday expenses during supermarket shops, right through to big special occasions such as Christmas, New Year, and
wedding planning. Learn fun and simple ways to start saving, find bargains, and make your money go further – regardless of your budget.
Visible Mending by Arounna Khounnoraj Out now We all have that favourite piece in our wardrobe that, no matter how worn it might be, we just can’t bear to part with. Discover how to reinvigorate your existing wardrobe through repairs, new decorations, re-purposing and reusing. Providing a step-bystep guide with illustrations, learn mending techniques that can give old favourites a fresh, modern look.
One Hundred Steps: The Story of Captain Sir Tom Moore by Captain Tom Moore Out now Filled with adventure, family, and the power of never giving up, this illustrated book shares the inspirational story of Captain Sir Tom Moore and what can be achieved when we work together. This new picture book shares the story of the veteran who walked 100 laps of his garden and captured the hearts of a nation.
Holly Smith’s Money Saving Book by Holly Smith Out now
Must reads The Hand and Flowers Cookbook by Tom Kerridge Out now The first and only pub in the world to be awarded two Michelin stars, Tom Kerridge’s The Hand & Flowers is known for its innovative, sophisticated, and masterfully reinvented British classics. Sharing 70 of the best dishes to have appeared on the menu, this cookbook celebrates the best of British like never before.
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Kenny Ethan Jones: L i v i n g m y t r u t h He made history by becoming the first trans man to front a period campaign and, since then, the only way is up for activist Kenny Ethan Jones as he tackles topics from body politics to mental health, all with his signature dose of candid authenticity. Here, we find out more about the journey that led him to where he is today Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
Hi Kenny! When we spoke in May 2020, you said that mental health mattered to you because it’s a universal experience. That stuck with me, what did you mean by that? We’re all humans, right? And we all differ in moods. So that’s my classification of mental health. It’s something that we all experience in our own way, but we can all relate to feeling extremely happy or feeling low. When I was younger, I didn’t understand. I just thought, “Oh, these things are happening, emotions are happening,” there wasn’t a word. I think about my parents and the way they were raised, there wasn’t any discussion
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of mental health. But we’ve moved to a place where this generation is so much more aware. When did you first start having conversations about mental health? I would say around the same time that I started to experience body dysmorphia. I began to realise that how I felt towards my body was affecting the way that I carried myself on a day-to-day basis. I was probably around 11 years old. I understood that there was something else going on, but as a kid – mental health, what’s that? It’s only when you start to have grown up conversations, where
you talk to people about what’s actually going on inside, that you start to understand that there’s a lot more going on than you thought. When you began having those conversations, how did people react? People just didn’t get it. You’re talking maybe 16 years ago, people weren’t really aware of what being transgender was. Some people would be quite positive and others would just totally dismiss how I was feeling. It boarded up my feelings, and I only started to have those deeper conversations with people that I really trusted.
culture
I don’t want somebody else to grow up like how I did, it shouldn’t be that way
I had a smaller platform, it was very much trans guys, probably about five years younger than me, reaching out, saying, “I’m so grateful to have you there as a role model.” But now my page has become more established as a resource for parents, teachers, and doctors. Do you think things are different for young trans kids today? Yes. 100%. Some of the most common DMs that I get on social media are from parents of trans kids – they’re so much more aware now of how their children feel. I’ll have conversations with a mother, and she will tell me the conversations that they’ve had with their child about how they feel around their gender, and
how that translates into their day-to-day life. It’s really wild that those conversations are happening now. It speaks volumes that it’s parents reaching out as well, and not just the individuals themselves. I would say I probably get messages from parents or teachers more so than I do actual trans people. I think that when
Did you have role models when you were growing up? Not who were trans, no. I’d never seen anybody close enough to me to be, like, that feels like me. Even to this day, I would say that there’s a lot more trans women in the media than trans men. I’ve tried to become my own role model if I’m honest. I was just like, right, no one’s going to do it for me! >>>
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For more from Kenny, follow him on Instagram @kennyethanjones
As I got older, I held that really close to my heart and thought I don’t want somebody else to grow up like I did, it shouldn’t be that way.
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Women Don’t Owe You Pretty by Florence Given Trans Power: Own Your Gender by Juno Roche Quit Like a Woman: The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed with Alcohol by Holly Whitaker Your activism is based so much around your own experiences. Do you feel the need to ever put up certain boundaries because of that? It’s funny because when I first became an activist, I was, like, “I’ll talk about anything. I don’t care. Ask me anything, it’s fine.” And I had to build tough skin around people asking questions in a way that wasn’t sensitive. But by the time I discuss something with the internet, I’m usually at a place where I can talk about it without being emotional. But on certain topics – for instance when I talk about my mum, she passed away three years ago – I give myself the space afterwards to be upset. However I’m going to feel after talking about something, I allow myself the space to really feel it.
If I were to take a quick scroll through your Instagram, I could find hundreds of messages from people, saying how your work has helped them. How does that make you feel? It’s like a light to my soul. Honestly. There’s something so special about knowing that you’ve helped, even if it’s just informing people who aren’t trans on how to better help trans people. A lot of the discrimination that happens to trans people is just on the basis that they’ve never met a trans person. But now when they meet a trans person, they’re going to be equipped to understand their journey. And it’s something I hold on to daily through times when it’s hard to be an activist. This is why I keep going back, because of this. This has changed.
Photographer | Muffadal Abbas, Stylist | Paolo Casseb, Grooming | David Lawrence
Thinking back over those formative years, is there a standout moment where someone did something supportive or empowering for you? I can’t say one particular moment, but I can say one particular person, and it has to be my mum. She was my number one support, hands down. The first time we had a conversation about me being trans was basically me coming home one day and spewing out how I felt. I basically said that I was attracted to women. So my mum turned around and was, like, “Oh, so you’re a lesbian?” And I was, like, “No, it’s a bit more than that.” [Laughs] And we dived into it a bit more, and literally after that conversation she turned around and said to me: “I think we should go to the doctor. I want you to talk to somebody else and get a second opinion on this, and I want you to be happy, and it doesn’t sound like you’re happy. So let’s work on that.” Our relationship was full of moments like that, where I was lost and wanted to feel whole, and she was holding my hand. She did that through my entire childhood, up until the day she died.
What Kenny’s reading
How to say ‘no’ When you’re overwhelmed, and just cannot deal with one more request – regardless of the size – here are some polite ways to express yourself…
Thank you for the opportunity, but I’m afraid I can’t help with that.
I’m actually busy then, but I’d love to next time. Let me know then! The timing isn’t great right now – can we raincheck?
I’m taking a step back for my mental health at the moment, so I’ll have to decline.
That doesn’t work for me, but perhaps we could look at that next week instead?
Thank you for thinking of me. I’m unable to take on anything more right now though...
I love the sound of that – unfortunately I’m not available, but let me know how it goes.
Festive favourites
a Find onist iti he nutr ou on t p p ry nea ppiful a Ha
Satisfy your sweet tooth with two healthy options for a winter feast Writing | Katie Hoare
T
he holiday season is often abundant with chocolate, treats, and plenty of sugary snacks. Personally, I find the sugar headaches kick in around mid-December, and all thoughts of a balanced meal go out the window. But not this year – it’s possible to enjoy those festive flavours without sacrificing your nutrition.
For me, the holidays wouldn’t be complete without spicy mulled wine warming on the stove, and homemade gingerbread cooling on the side. So this spicy gingerbread oat cookie recipe is perfect for satisfying your sweet tooth, and setting the mood for the festivities. And some will say it isn’t Christmas without a mince
pie, while others loathe the traditional treats (who, I don’t know!). So we’ve whipped up an alternative recipe to cater for all dietary needs, with a unique blend of rich fruit and classic ingredients. Turn up the Bublé, and enjoy filling your home with the sweet scent of Christmas.
VEGAN MINCE PIES Makes 12
the fridge and set aside for 10 minutes. Grease a 12-cup bun/ muffin tin with the butter. 2. In a bowl, combine the mincemeat with the figs, dates, and cornflower, stirring until the cornflour has dissolved. 3. Melt a teaspoon of butter. Place a sheet of pastry on the worktop and brush with the melted butter. Lay another sheet on top and brush again. Repeat once more. Cut the layered pastry into 12 circles using a cutter and lay each piece into a cup of the tin. Press gently into place. 4. Next, spoon the mincemeat mixture equally into the pastrylined cups.
5. Brush the remaining pastry sheets and gently tear each sheet into roughly 6 pieces. Crinkle the pieces of pastry on top of each mince pie. 6. Bake for 20 minutes, or until golden-brown and crisp. 7. If using, make the whipping cream. Discard the coconut water and place the hardened cream in a mixing bowl. Whisk for about 30 seconds until smooth and creamy. 8. Remove the pies from the oven and allow to cool on a wire rack. Once cooled, place a dollop of coconut cream on the top, and serve with a warming cup of mulled wine!
Ingredients • 25g vegan butter or nut butter • 150g vegan fruit-based mincemeat (apple or pear) • 100g figs, chopped • 100g dates, chopped • 2 tsp cornflour • 6 sheets vegan/dairy-free filo pastry Optional • 200ml coconut whipping cream, chilled overnight in the fridge 1. Preheat the oven to 200ºC. Take the coconut cream out of
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feeling festive
OUR EXPERT SAYS… Vegan mince pies This recipe doesn’t contain any processed sugars (only natural sugars from the fruits) and has a variety of different vitamins and minerals. It’s a good source of vitamin E, an antioxidant which fights free radicals, and protects our cells from oxidative stress. Figs contain fibre, a nutrient which is important to have in our diets daily – aim for 25 to 30g per day – as fibre brings satiation and improves digestion.
SPICY GINGERBREAD OAT COOKIES Makes 20 Ingredients • 100g whole wheat pastry flour, plus extra for dusting • 2 tsp baking soda • 1 tsp ground ginger • 1 tsp ground cinnamon • ½ tsp ground cloves • A pinch of salt • 1 egg • 100g nut butter (hazelnut/walnut) • 100g porridge oats • 50g walnuts, chopped Method 1. Preheat the oven to 180ºC and line two baking trays with parchment. 2. In a bowl, combine the flour, baking soda, spices and salt, and set aside.
3. In a separate bowl, whisk together the egg and nut butter. Once mixed, slowly fold in the oats and chopped walnuts. 4. Combine both bowls and mix until a dough-like consistency. Tip the dough out and knead briefly before placing in the fridge covered, for 15 minutes. 5. Lightly dust the worktop with flour, and roll out the dough to 1cm in thickness. Cut the dough with a cookie cutter and place on a baking tray, leaving small gaps between the cookies. 6. Bake for 10–12 minutes or until lightly golden. 7. Remove from the oven and leave for 10 minutes, then transfer to the cooling rack. When cooled, decorate if you’d like. Enjoy!
Spicy gingerbread oat cookies These cookies are a nutrientdense, dairy-free alternative if you want a nutritious dessert – and are suitable for those who are lactose-intolerant. They contain zinc, iron, B complex, vitamin E, potassium, calcium, phosphorus, magnesium, and selenium – all necessary nutrients for the body’s immunity and correct functioning. It also contains the ‘good’ fats – omega 3 and six fatty acids – which help in the reduction of LDL (bad cholesterol), and the increase of HDL (good cholesterol). Focus on foods which are lower in saturated fats and sugars and which contain a good amount of fibre and protein. Anna-Maria Volanaki is a sports nutritionist, sports scientist, and former athlete specialising in encouraging people to follow healthy diets, active lifestyles, and positive psychology.
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How to build
emotional intelligence
Learning to tune-in to our own and others’ emotions can unlock a whole new level of wellbeing. Here’s how to do it Writing | Dawn Mitchell Artwork | Charlotte Reynell
E
motional intelligence (EI) is the ability to accurately notice your own emotions, and manage them effectively. It’s also our ability to notice and respond to the emotions of others. EI is related to the neuroplasticity of our brain, which means we can develop it and, with continuous practise, we can create changes and make connections that enable us to become more intune with ourselves and others. So how can we build our EI? Here are five tips to get you started. 1. Stay curious It’s all too easy to be judgemental about our own thoughts and feelings, as well as those of others. Do you tell yourself: ‘I shouldn’t feel like this’? Try to notice this and, rather than being your own harshest critic, be curious about what
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you are feeling and why. With others, sometimes we react to behaviours rather than stopping to think about the emotion behind the behaviour. A simple example would be, your partner comes home from work and slams the door – you may get mad at the slam rather than thinking about why the behaviour is there. Perhaps they’ve had some bad news during the day or felt frustrated? If we stay curious, we ask what’s happened to cause that behaviour rather than judging it. 2. Name emotions Once you get curious, you might start to notice more emotions. The debate remains around how many emotions there are, ranging from four, to 27, to infinite! Being able to increase the range of emotions we can recognise expands our EI. So one day you might think to yourself:
‘I feel rubbish today.’ ‘Rubbish’ isn’t an emotion, but when you notice this and get curious, you might realise that actually you feel disappointed your friend cancelled your lunch meetup, and now you feel lonely as you’ve not spoken to anyone this afternoon. Naming emotions in this way is EI. 3. Sit with emotions Sometimes, when we don’t consciously identify emotions, we respond unconsciously – a common reaction is to numb it out. This can be done in many ways – alcohol, drugs, overworking, gaming. But if you begin to recognise these emotions, you can do something to deal with the root cause. For example, you recognise you feel lonely, so you call a friend or family member to get that connection, which is the antidote to loneliness – as opposed to binge-watching a new box set. A note on emotional numbing: you can’t selectively numb, if you numb the negative emotions – grief, heartbreak, disappointment – then you automatically numb the positive emotions – happiness, love, belonging – which can lead to a void of emotion. This is not a good place to be for us, as we are hard-wired for connection. 4. Create empathy Once we have become more aware of our own emotions, it’s
emotions
Anxious: feeling worried or uneasy about something
Lethargic: tired and apathetic
Love: a strong sense of attachment Fearful: an unpleasant feeling caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm
Na
g min
s
n otio
em
Interested: paying special attention to something or someone
nse e s d: a m and e t i s Exc thusia ss n ne of e eager Joyous: great delight or happiness
Sad: emotional pain associated with loss, despair, grief, helplessness, or disappointment
Amused: finding something funny
Envious: feeling inferior or lacking in quality, achievement, or possession, compared to someone else
Satisfied: experiencing pleasure when you do or get something that you want or needed
Nostalgic: thinking fondly of the past
If you begin to recognise emotions, you can do something to deal with the root cause more than likely you’ll start to notice emotions in others also. Being able to recognise and name emotions in others can be a game-changer when it comes to building authentic, trusting, relationships at home and work. Seeing beyond behaviour and into emotion can allow people to feel seen and understood. You can’t presume to know how another person is feeling. In fact, one of the best ways to disconnect with someone is to say: “I know exactly how you feel.” We can never know this, as every situation is experienced differently, but we might notice how we feel when someone tells us something. “That makes me feel sad, is that how you felt?” shows that you are recognising the presence of emotion. 5. Reflecting on emotion When we get hooked by an emotion, it can be difficult to practise curiosity and naming emotions. So to build EI it can be helpful to reflect on your day, and writing it down has a stronger evidence base than just thinking about it. Realise where you got hooked on an emotion and name it. With practice you can become better at noticing the emotion come up before it overwhelms you.
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feel good
Heroes of hope Out of incredibly trying times this year have come moments of hope, kindness, and inspiration. Here, we celebrate just some of the people who have stepped up to support others, and ask them what lessons they’re taking with them as we look forward to the future
H
ave a think back over the past year. No doubt, you’ll be able to conjure up countless examples of selflessness and heroism that have inspired you. That said, a survey from Totaljobs saw, in the past six months, three in five key workers disclose that they felt undeserving of the title ‘hero’.
Susannah Fenton: Lending an ear Just one week into lockdown, Susannah took over as the new director of the Herts and Essex branch of Samaritans, in Ware. Overseeing 170 volunteers sharing 24/7 shifts on the phone, webchat, and over email, Susannah had her work cut out for her. “We were quickly given the green light to operate as ‘essential workers’,” Susannah explains. “We altered shift times, changed how we ran our duty room, adopted vigorous cleaning protocols, suspended outreach and fundraising events, and found alternative ways to keep volunteers in touch with one another.
Illustrating | Rosan Magar
If that finding tells us anything, it’s that perhaps it’s time we reevaluate what we mean by ‘hero’. Because in the world that we live in, heroes don’t wear capes. Heroes are the everyday people who go out of their way to support those around them – through personal challenges, and at the risk of their own wellbeing.
“I learned what a brilliant bunch of people we have, prepared to come in night and day in the pandemic for callers,” she continues. “Some who couldn’t come in helped from home, volunteering for the NHS. The dedication shown by everyone has made me very proud of our wonderful team.”
From the bus driver who united the city, to the engineer who used his daily exercise to deliver face shields, and the mother and daughter who made sandwiches for local NHS crews, be touched by these stories, and leave knowing that with hope, kindness, and community, we can achieve more than we could ever dream.
Every 7 secon d a Sama s ritan answer s a ca for help ll
S u s a n n a h
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
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50 wiches d n a s d delivere a week cal to the lo nce la ambu ic serv e
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Zita Newcome and Claire RossMasson: The joy of song Lockdown has been a very confusing and difficult time for young children, who may not truly understand what is happening. That’s where Zita and Claire come in – the two person team behind Teddies Music Club, an independent singing group for pre-school children and their grown-ups. Zita and Claire had been recording music videos for the last couple of years and, when lockdown began, not only did they send these out to Teddies families, but they also offered them for free nationwide – so
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Euna Kang: Café owner feeding the heart of the community March was tough for Euna. Not only did she have to close her café in Effingham, Surrey – named Layla’s after her nine-yearold daughter – but as a cancer patient, she was categorised as a vulnerable person. However, none of that stopped her from deciding to take action. “Layla and I decided to make sandwiches, cakes, and food to show our gratitude to the NHS,” says Euna. “We delivered them to Leatherhead ambulance centre,
that everyone could enjoy the power of song. “We’ve learnt how isolating it is to be in your own bubble,” says Zita. “It makes you realise how important it is to take care of your mental health, and how important it is to reach out to people.”
Redhill ambulance crew, St Peter’s hospital, Epsom hospital, and some local elderly people, three times a week.” In total, Euna counts nearly 350 meals delivered. Throughout lockdown, Euna had offered the closed café up as a community store, to sell essential goods for elderly and vulnerable people. When that came to an end, and Layla’s was opened again, Euna had the full support of the community. “You do good things without expecting anything, but it’s karma,” she says. “This is what we’ve learned from the experience. We can’t change this situation, but we can adapt and share what we’ve got.”
Z i t a & C l a i r e
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B e n
0 100,00 s ld ie face sh the r o made f NHS
Louise Pipes: There for families A family support practitioner at St Giles special school in Derby, where her role involves identifying when families may need more support, Louise is used to working alongside parents and children in her community. But while her school closed in March, her work continued. Louise called parents two or three times a week, and organised supermarket shopping runs to gather essentials for families who were in need. But that’s not all, with the help of her colleagues, Louise also collected prescriptions for those who were isolating, and
Ben May: For the front line When Ben’s work as a prototype engineer came to a complete halt in March, his first thought was that he could’t stand by and watch NHS workers putting themselves at risk. So he teamed up with two colleagues, Dean Carran and Si Freedman, to create safe, fully-approved face shields, by setting up their nonprofit company: Protecting Heroes. Their work was non-stop, with Ben and a group of friends using
their daily exercise to deliver prototypes to surgeons working on Covid-19 wards around London. Ben received help from the National Physics Laboratory in Teddington, manufacturers across the UK from Gateshead to Kent, and 245 ordinary people who donated to the crowdfunder. To date, they have created more than 100,000 face shields for the NHS. Ben says: “The point is, while the idea was mine, the execution was enabled by a massive network of people. It’s a whole lot easier to achieve the impossible if you do it for reasons that others can get behind, because the power of community is absolutely immense.”
offered resources to help children with routines. Reflecting on her lockdown experience, Louise says: “I have personally learned from this experience that the only things that are important are our health, wellbeing, and the love of those around you.”
I have personally learned from this experience that the only things that are important are our health, wellbeing, and the love of those around you
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A n d r e w Ali Harris: On the front line “When I first heard about Covid-19, I was so scared, I thought I would run away,” Ali, an ITU senior operating department practitioner, says, as she reflects on the year. “But as it got closer, I put on my PPE and, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with my colleagues, I walked towards it.” Ali says that, throughout this time, an “overwhelming feeling of care” took over her, and never once dwindled. She worked through difficult personal times, on the ward on the anniversary of her mother passing away – and, on her day off, she ran 21km to raise money for blood cancer charity Bloodwise. All this hasn’t gone unnoticed, and Ali is due
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Andrew Pattison: First on the case A paramedic and senior operations manager for South East Coast Ambulance Service, Andrew bears a huge amount of responsibility. At the same time as attending emergencies to treat patients, he also liaises with hospitals to assess how they can work together to offer the best care possible. At the start of the pandemic, Andrew was one of seven managers
to be recognised in the Story Terrace Unsung Heroes book, a well-deserved accolade. “Has Covid-19 changed me? Honestly, I am not sure that it A l i has,” says Ali. “What it has done is reaffirm the love that I have for my family and friends. I will never forget the love that was shown to the NHS by the British public – it helped to carry me through.”
called to headquarters to form a ‘command hub’, to support the crews out on the road. To do this, Andrew did a 100-mile round trip to HQ every day. “Doing the job that we do in the emergency services, we are resilient,” Andrew says as he reflects on what he has learned during this time. “Work is important. At the end of the day, without work you can’t put food on the table. But it’s also important to have your family time, and live life to the best, as it is far too short.”
I will never forget the love that was shown to the NHS by the British public, it helped to carry me through
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Moe Manir: Planning a safer route As a bus driver and trade union safety activist, Moe was never going to be satisfied to sit back and watch the struggles of his colleagues. He set up a Facebook group to bring together London bus drivers, so that they had a space to share their experiences, offer reassurance, and exchange tips. These groups allowed Moe to keep on top of the latest safety challenges and requirements, all of which he fed back to employers, leading to steps being taken to better protect drivers and passengers. Also recognised by Story Terrace as an Unsung Hero, there
is no doubt that Moe’s self-motivated initiative led to many lives being saved. “I hope that I have made my dad proud,” says Moe. “He worked tirelessly to help the community. He became Mayor of Tower Hamlets, where I grew up. I am the only son among six sisters, and one of my younger sisters, Apsana Begum, is now an MP. We learned about the road my father took, and we’ve followed it.”
Z o e
Zoe Stothard: Constructing a safer workplace Even before lockdown, Zoe was going above and beyond in her role as senior site manager for David Wilson Homes, going on to win the Pride in Job Quality award four years in a row – becoming an advocate for women in construction. As part of her role, Zoe is in charge of all safety, health, and environmental aspects of the
M o e
development, and was there when her site was closed at the start of lockdown. After a few weeks, they were able to open again, with measures in place to make sure that everyone was safe, including a ‘Covid Marshal’ who oversaw all guidance. “I interact with many different people, whether it’s tradesmen, customers, or office staff, and it has been amazing how everyone has opened up and wants to talk about this strange time,” says Zoe. “I will always remember that, no matter how busy we get, there’s always time to ask how people are doing.”
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Mad e wit Five h lov hand m a de gi e for yo ft id ur loved
ones
Writin g | Be cky W right
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ou don’t have to splash the cash and spend a fortune on presents to show loved ones just how much they mean to you. Here are some ideas to help you get creative and make something meaningful to put under the tree this year. Map magnets International travel might be off the cards for a while, but you can keep the dream alive with these sweet magnets. You could choose places you’ve been with your loved one, or places that are on their travel bucket list. You’ll need: • Clear, round glass pebbles • Magnets • Mod Podge (or similar glue) and a paintbrush • Maps to cut up • Hot glue gun Simply choose the destination of your dreams, cut it to size, and glue it to the pebble. Let it dry, then use a hot glue gun to attach a magnet to the back.
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Sugar hand scrub After the ‘year of hand washing’, your hands could probably do with some extra TLC. So, why not put together a little jar filled with a sweet smelling hand scrub? Simply mix the ingredients together to your preferred quantities, and your loved one will be rubbing their mitts in glee. You’ll need: • Sugar (white or brown) • Coconut oil • Your chosen scent. We love ground cinnamon and vanilla extract, but you could use peppermint essential oil, or something else of your choosing. • An airtight container
feeling festive
Essential oil perfume You can make a wonderfully unique scent for your loved one – no one will be wearing the same perfume! You’ll need: • 5 or 10ml roller bottle • 2 or 3 essential oils, e.g. ylang ylang, grapefruit, lavender, or vanilla. You can find guides online that tell you which scents go best together • An unscented carrier oil, e.g. almond or coconut oil • Dried flowers like edible rose petals or lavender ake the rollerball off of the bottle. T In the container, combine 10 or fewer drops of your essential oils. Remember, you can always add more, so start slowly. Swirl the oils in the glass together to combine the fragrances. When applying directly to your skin, essential oils should always be diluted, so add your carrier oil and any dried/decorative flowers you might want. Fill with the carrier oil until you reach the top. ‘Reasons why I love you’ jar Fill a large mason jar with hand written and sentimental notes for your loved one. Use the following prompts to inspire you: • Reasons why I love you… • Remember when… • Quotes/lyrics… • You/we have to do this… You could fill it with 52 notes (one for every week of the year) or, if
you’re feeling ambitious, you could aim for daily memos with 365. Tell them to pull out a note any time they’re feeling down – to cheer them up and to make them think of happy times with you. Create (and bake) your own food hamper If your loved one’s a bit of a foodie, the best kind of present might be one that speaks to their stomach. Putting together a personalised food hamper means you can choose a few of their favourite sweet or savoury foods. If they’ve got a favourite dish – something they always order when eating out – you could buy a few of the key ingredients, and make them their own step-by-step recipe card. You’ll find lots of great templates on canva.com that you can edit, download, and print. To make it even more personal, you could give them something you’ve cooked or baked. Some Christmas cookies would be great for someone with a sweet tooth (check out our recipe on p56), or a chutney (to go alongside some cheese) is a great choice for a savoury snacker.
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It is only in our darkest hours that we may discover the true strength of the brilliant light within ourselves that can never, ever, be dimmed DOE ZANTAMATA
Photography | Andreea Pop
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true story
I never let my hearing loss hold me back From being thrown into the spotlight against her own wishes, and feeling like she didn’t fit in, Karin realised she could create a world without limitations. Here, she shares her personal journey of embracing hearing loss, and finding her purpose Writing | Karin Weiser
C “
an you hear what I’m saying?” “Yes!” I beam with pride. Finally, after a cochlear implant in 2017, this is my default response. But it hasn’t always been this way. My hearing loss was discovered at the age of 15. The initial diagnosis, in the mid 80s with no explanation, concluded: “There’s nothing we can do. Go away and get on with it.” This phrase defined my life. And I went away and got on with it. But I worked extra hard to prove to the world I could, and would, do whatever I chose to. I went on to travel the world, teach English as a foreign language abroad, learn three European languages, and enjoy an international corporate career in communications, and learning and development. Communication is at the centre of everything I do. And as an extrovert, I seek company rather than avoid it. Being different is painful – this is something I’ve learnt over the years. Being different due to hearing loss means you never fully fit in – whether it’s because you don’t laugh at a joke, can’t follow a conversation, or simply miss out on information. Every day.
I grew up disliking attention. I would rather be in the audience than on the stage. When you are thrown into the limelight because of a disability, it feels uncomfortable. It’s the wrong kind of attention. It’s something you cannot control or even change. It’s a neverending embarrassment on the journey to selfacceptance. As my audiologist reminded me, you are the first person to notice when your sight declines. However, others notice before you do when you suffer from hearing loss. There’s no hiding. Living with hearing loss and speaking a foreign language on a daily basis is double trouble. The fine line between understanding and hearing merge into a grey zone. Is it a linguistic issue, or hearing loss challenge? An invisible disability means you have to work twice as hard to tell the world what you need, even when you don’t know what that is. And sometimes your baggage just weighs you down. Over the years, people have told me they thought I was stuck up because I “used to ignore” them, or asked why I looked at them so intensely – it’s called lipreading – or seemed confused when I didn’t respond to a question. >>>
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Karin lives with hearing loss, and works as an international business coach and copywriter. She offers coaching to support other hearing-impaired individuals who need to build self-coping strategies. Learn more at karinweiser.com
Being open and honest has sometimes meant all eyes are on my ears – literally! At least until I move my hair to show my hearing device as the visible proof. On occasion, I’ve been spoken to slow and patronisingly, like a two-year-old. And I’ve had to defend my well-functioning, normal life to the medical profession who have let me know, once again: “You really don’t hear so well.” Discrimination against those with hearing loss certainly exists. My first permanent contract at a family-owned business in the late 90s turned into a confidence nightmare. I struggled with the phones, and was eventually ‘demoted’ to shredding paper. Neither my employer nor I knew how to handle my hearing loss. Suddenly my disability became the elephant in the room in all areas of my life. The psychological damage had been done, and I spent the next decade repairing it. Although I ended up at a large organisation with a HR department, with diversity and inclusion practices, I never felt protected or understood. Hearing loss feels like a solo journey. Help and support doesn’t knock on your door, you have to find it. And this journey is exhausting, especially when you’re young, climbing the corporate ladder, and just want to enjoy life. And not be slowed down by that elephant in the room.
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Living a life with hearing loss is a cocktail of situations that leave you feeling embarrassed more often than not. I’ve had to sit at the front of the room my whole life, ask people to repeat
While the world battles with mindfulness and fights for quiet time, I have found my calm things, and be in the limelight for all the wrong reasons. But like anything in life, you get used to it. My personal challenges have oiled my wheels of tenacity, deepened my self-awareness, and supported me to create a life with no limitations. I do the best I can with what I know. And I have fully accepted my imperfections and disability. I’ve become who I am today because of my life experiences, as well as my hearing loss. And I like that person very much. One thing I know is that I have a growth mindset and would gain a very high score in resilience. Plus I’m armed with the motto: “What doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger.”
true story
Karin is passionate about having a positive impact on the people around her
Self-care is top on my agenda, and life is all about balance. I plan my week so there are more nights in than out. I’ve spent my youth leaving an event or night out ‘early’ to get enough sleep, to be fresh and ready to hear the next day. I use more energy to hear when I’m tired. If I burn the candle at both ends, I get a cold. A cold means I hear less. It’s a vicious circle. My essential tips for successfully managing all this? Firstly, I had to learn to ask for help. This is not easy when you are a fiercely independent, strong-willed individual. Lipreading became a life raft to communicate – a skill I developed innately, that allowed me to follow conversations in bars, restaurants, at parties and on public transport. But only with one person at a time.
I’m still learning new strategies as I navigate our noisy world. There’s almost too much information out there, and sometimes it’s overwhelming. I’ve never wanted my identity to be about my hearing loss. I don’t want to wear that label. One vital thing I’ve learned to appreciate is that silence really can be golden. While the world battles with mindfulness and fights for quiet time, I have found my calm. I love to practise intuitive, energising yoga at home at the end of a busy day, in my own quiet bubble. I turn my ears ‘off’ in cafés if I’m working, when the background noise gets too much. And through all this, I’ve found my purpose. My glass is nearly always half-full. I’m an enthusiastic individual, and people appreciate my positive energy. I’m known as a motivator, and have a listening ear ready when required. With this in mind, coupled with my passion for people and personal development, I found my purpose: to have a positive impact on people – face-to-face, virtually, and through words.
OUR EXPERT SAYS In a world where being different made her stand out, Karin reminds us how we are all unique. Although Karin’s challenge was harder than most, we’ve all found ourselves feeling out of place – dealing with the impact of not fitting in. It’s fascinating that as she has grown, she’s been able to find solace in the quiet, and continually strives to find ways to help others.
What strikes me most though is how valuable finding her purpose has been. Purpose is essential in life to feel fulfilled and valued – not only by those around us but, most importantly, by ourselves. Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach
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5
ways to de-escalate stressful situations
Don’t be a bystander. Learn how to gently step in, and soothe stress, with these simple steps Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Illustration | Rosan Magar
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t’s never easy to see someone else going through a stressful time. It can often leave us feeling hopeless, agitated, and maybe even stressed ourselves. But, with the right amount of caution and gentle management, there are several things that we can do to support those going through stress, helping them to manage their emotions in the moment, and also look forward to addressing the root of the problem. Here, with help from psychologist and wellbeing consultant Lee Chambers, we explore five ways that you can step in to de-escalate stressful situations. 1. BE EMPATHETIC We all appreciate being heard and having our feelings taken seriously, so this is a good place to start when you’re trying to support other people. “Utilise empathy to help the individual involved know that you care about how they feel, and understand why they are acting in this manner,” advises Lee. “A simple observation such as, ‘I can see how upset this has made you’,
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shows you understand their pain, you appreciate their concerns, and you’re treating them as an equal. Feeling heard and valued when in distress is a powerful defusing mechanism.”
calming effect,” he says. “By giving a respectful compliment or statement, suddenly they will feel like a respected person, and this will shift their emotional balance to a more stable point.”
2. BE RESPECTFUL When we’re at the height of emotion, we’re often also feeling quite vulnerable. According to Lee, respect is a powerful situational resolution tool when we find ourselves dealing with a very stressful situation.
3. PAY ATTENTION “Nothing fuels the fires of stressful situations more than a person who storms off, or is clearly not present,” says Lee. We don’t always need to offer up solutions – in fact, the heat of the moment is rarely the right time to do this – but being present and engaging in the problem in a sympathetic manner goes a long way. “Listen to the other party, ask questions, and be curious to understand why they feel that way,” Lee adds. “Just being there will allow them to process their own emotions, often getting more clarity and bringing themselves down from a high arousal state.”
If we remain calm, attentive, non-judgemental, and objective, they will start to adjust to your state “Many times, when we’re stressed, it is likely something isn’t being respected, and if we can fill that gap it has an instant
4. BE MINDFUL OF MIRRORING As humans, we get a lot of our social and emotional cues off each other, which is something you should keep at the front of your mind when facing a
emotions
challenging situation. “If we remain calm, attentive, nonjudgemental, and objective, they will start to adjust to your state, reducing the emotional charge,” Lee explains. “This can take some practise and effort on our behalf, as we tend to react immediately, instead of choosing our response. But if we can stop the initial feeling of being attacked, and it being personal, we can respond in a measured and rational way. So often, it
isn’t the immediate trigger that has caused their feelings, but a build-up of events, and if we can look at the bigger picture, we can connect with them, rather than attack them.” 5. ASK GENTLE QUESTIONS Sometimes, stress is like an iceberg. You might be able to see the tip, but can’t see what’s going on below the waterline, or how deep it goes. So, if it feels appropriate, you might
want to ask gentle questions to try to figure out the root of the problem. “Asking questions is an incredibly powerful way to show we are respectful, and summarising the other person’s concerns shows that we are listening and appreciating them,” says Lee. “You can even start to see if you can be part of the solution, as suddenly you become a supportive ally, and can move them on from ruminating on the issue causing the stress.”
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A r e a
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s e n s i t i v e p e r s o n ? Do you feel things far more deeply than others, get drained by certain situations, or find your take on things leads to conflict? You might be criticised for your sensitivity and wonder what you can do about it. But what if being highly sensitive is the answer, not the problem? Writing | Sally Pendreigh
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f you’ve been asking yourself, “Why am I so sensitive?” or wondering, “How can I be less sensitive?”, then perhaps something about your sensitivity doesn’t feel OK. You may have even wondered, “What’s wrong with me?” when other people seem more able
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to take things in their stride, or you’ve been told you need to “toughen up” or “grow a thicker skin”. And if your sensitivity causes difficulties, it’s inevitable you won’t welcome it in yourself. No wonder you want to change it. But it’s not that easy – you can’t just flick a switch to turn your sensitivity off. So, what can you do? Where the answer may lie Well, the paradox is that the answer to your sensitivity ‘problem’ could well lie in acknowledging just how sensitive you are. Trying to deny, suppress, or change your sensitivity is often what keeps you shackled, selfblaming, and stuck. So, let’s start with a different premise – that you may be what’s known as “highly sensitive”. If you don’t like the word “sensitive”, I’m guessing adding “highly” won’t seem helpful. It may feel like inviting more negative connotations, but if the term does fit you, it might just be one of the biggest and most important discoveries you make about yourself. It has been exactly that for countless clients I’ve worked with. They have described recognising they’re highly sensitive as “lifechanging”, “transformative”, and “finally making sense of me and my life”. They have come to embrace their sensitivity as the essence of who they are, and where their strength and power lies. And this shift in perception has changed confusion into understanding, flaw into forgiveness, and even berating
into celebrating. It could do the same for you. Being highly sensitive: what you need to know Before we look at what it means to be highly sensitive, there are some facts that may help you accept the concept more easily... • It’s a real thing Being highly sensitive is an actual thing. The term, “Highly Sensitive Person” (HSP) was first coined by Dr Elaine Aron in the 1990s. Nowadays, an internet search will throw up a multitude of books, blogs, and websites about the subject. There are even questionnaires you can take to find out if you are a HSP. • It’s not just you You’re not alone in being this sensitive. You can’t be if so many people are writing and talking about it! In fact, Dr Aron estimates that 15–20% of the general population are HSPs, and research from Counselling Directory suggests there are more than 4,000 searches for the term “highly sensitive person” each month. • It’s genetic programming Being an HSP isn’t something you choose, but is the way you’re genetically programmed. Studies into high sensitivity and sensory processing show that the brains of HSPs are activated and respond in particular ways to certain stimuli. And that this is different from other forms of high sensitivity resulting from
They have come to embrace their sensitivity as the essence of who they are, and where their strength and power lies
trauma or a medical condition. So, this form of sensitivity is innately you. • There are many benefits HSPs tend to be thoughtful, conscientious, compassionate, insightful, intuitive, reliable, loyal, attentive to detail, focused on quality and sustainability, creative, and appreciative of the beauty of things. Being an HSP doesn’t label or define you, it simply describes how you process the world and react to it. The trick is to acknowledge both sides: manage the challenges, and value and use the gifts. Four indicators that you may be highly sensitive There are lots of indicators for being an HSP, and lots of researchers and commentators frame them in different ways. The most common distillation is: 1. Processing things deeply 2. Being easily overstimulated 3. Being emotionally responsive/empathic 4. Being sensitive to subtleties >>>
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How might these show up? Well, you are likely to have a busy brain – always noticing and taking in information, deeply processing it, and thoroughly considering implications and consequences. Because you absorb and process so much, you can become overstimulated and exhausted. That stimulation isn’t just about observations and thoughts, it’s also about reactions to your environment – for example, you may be sensitive to light, to noise, to textures, or you may prefer quieter venues, less busy streets, and socialising in smaller groups. You will tend to spot and be affected by the emotions of others, and you probably think and care deeply about many things – people, nature, world events, fairness, justice and equality. You may also appreciate nuances, and notice tiny differences that other people don’t. All this takes energy, so you are likely to need downtime and space to recover and recharge. If you don’t get it, you can become agitated, overwhelmed, or feel
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that everything is “too much”. Noticing all that you do, and thinking ahead, can lead to conflict with others, or a feeling that you are out of sync with them, or the prevailing culture. And this can leave you feeling hurt, confused, misunderstood and alone. How does knowing you are highly sensitive help deal with your sensitivity? 1. There’s a world of difference between thinking that there is something wrong with you, and understanding that there isn’t. 2. Fundamentally, you cannot benefit from the gifts of something when you see it as a flaw.
3. Understanding there is a reason for your sensitivity, and it’s something you share with others, naturally reduces the inner conflict and aloneness you may have been feeling. 4. Just imagine the resources and potential you can release if you stop spending so much time and energy judging your sensitivity, and trying to change what is inherently you. Every HSP I’ve come across has found that discovering, exploring, and understanding their HSP-ness has been like finding the missing piece to a puzzle. Despite its costs and challenges, not one of them would change their sensitivity for the world, because it makes them who they are.
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Despite its challenges, not one of them would change their sensitivity for the world, because it makes them who they are
How to begin connecting to your sensitivity If you are highly sensitive, identifying and acknowledging it is half the battle. The next step is to use that knowledge to make better choices in your future; ones that take account of your sensitivity. Here are some suggestions to help you connect to your sensitivity differently: 1. Get curious Get curious about being a HSP – research it, read about it, complete a questionnaire online. Enjoy finding out what is true (and not) about your sensitivity. Start nurturing it the way you would someone or something you really care about.
2. Reflect on past reactions Reflect compassionately on your reactions to past events, and situations where your sensitivity was an issue. Try to understand why something was difficult, or why you reacted a certain way. This can move you from seeing faults in what you felt or did to a more forgiving place. 3. Identify what drains and energises you Start noticing what activities, events, environments, and even people, deplete and drain you, and which soothe or energise you. Change what you can of the things that sap your energy, and do more of what nourishes you. And if you know something will tire you, prioritise building in some recovery time afterwards. 4. Get enough downtime Pace yourself and take regular breaks when you can. Try to ensure you get enough quiet, demand-free downtime when you need it. You will burn out if you don’t, and get more done if
you do. Taking care of yourself in this way is not selfish, but essential self-care. And an investment in you and your wellbeing. Taking these steps can make a real and meaningful difference. You might be surprised at how much you can benefit from even the smallest changes. And the more you understand and manage your sensitivity, the more you can harness its potential. Throw off the shackles, regain and refocus your energy, and begin releasing the power. Your power.
Sally Pendreigh is a senior accredited counsellor, who believes that understanding how we process and react to the world is fundamental to having the freedom to be ourselves. You can find Sally and get in touch with her via counselling-directory.org.uk
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Puzzle power
Take some time out from the hustle and bustle of the season and put your mental cogs in motion, with our six-page puzzle special
Word pyramid Complete the pyramid by solving the clues below, filling in each row with one letter per box. The trick is that each row uses all the same letters as the row before, plus one new letter – but the order can change. Time to test your vocabulary. 1. Years in a decade 2. A bird’s home 3. A rock or a pebble 4. Truthful
Word wheel Using the letters in the wheel no more than once, make as many words as possible of three or more letters, always including the letter in the centre of the wheel. Want an extra challenge? Set yourself a time limit – three minutes, go! 5 = word wizard 10 = gaming guru 15+ = Shakespearean superstar
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Thinking caps at the ready – can you decipher the puzzle below? It’s like a crossword, but with no clues. Instead, it’s a game of logic, as every letter of the alphabet is used at least once, and is represented by a number in the grid. Uncover a letter at a time to reveal answers all over the grid – good luck! Hint: Think festive
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Spot the difference Keep those eyes peeled for six differences in our winter-themed illustration below...
Can you work out the Christmas songs based on the emoji descriptions alone?
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Emoji | emojipedia.org
Emoji-nary
Sudoku In this test of logic, can you complete the empty boxes so that the numbers one to nine appear once in each row, column, and 3x3 box?
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Wordsearch
Purpose Passion Podcast Webinar App Remote work Challenges Dawning moment
Hunt through the grid below to find words related to our year at Happiful – bonus points if you can find the three words not included on the list below! Sleep special Destress Explore outdoors Nature
Reading Johannes Crafting Self discovery
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Crossword Answer the festive-themed questions to complete the grid. We recommend a mince pie to help get those thinking gears going.
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8. What is the best-selling Christmas song of all time? (5,9) 10. What is the name of the old Winter Solstice festivals in Scandinavia? (4) 12. How many ghosts appear in A Christmas Carol? (4) 13. Which Christmas song was broadcast from space, as a prank, by astronauts in 1965? (6,5) 15. Traditionally, which festive treat should be eaten on each of the 12 days of Christmas to bring good luck? (5,3) 17. What record-breaking Christmas item was ‘pulled’ in Australia in 1991? (7)
DOWN 1. In Home Alone, where is Kevin’s family going on holiday? (5) 2. Which country has gifted the UK’s Trafalgar Square tree each year since 1947? (6) 3. Who played Graham in the 2006 film The Holiday? (4,3) 4. What is the first name of George Bailey’s guardian angel in It’s a Wonderful Life? (8) 5. How many rolls of Sellotape are sold in the UK each year in the run up to Christmas? (3,7)
6. In the poem ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’, what food danced in the children’s heads as they slept? (5,5) 9. What country do candy canes originate from? (7) 11. What is Scrooge’s first name? (8) 14. One of Santa’s lovely reindeer (5) 16. What item of clothing brought Frosty the Snowman to life? (3)
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HAPPIFUL TOP 10
December
As we approach the end of a testing year, it’s time to breathe a sigh of relief and recognise how resilient we really are. There may be more challenges to come, but together we can weather the storm
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PAGE-TURNERS
Aromatherapy: Harness the power of essential oils to relax, restore, and revitalise It’s no secret that essential oils such as lavender, eucalyptus, and peppermint can help soothe our senses. This little book of self-care shares the perfect blend of essential oils to care for and heal yourself, combined with massage routines, yoga, meditation, and breathwork. (Out 31 Dec, DK, £9.99)
OUT AND ABOUT Picture perfect
PUT ON A SHOW Christmas carols
Whether you have the voice of an angel, or would describe yourself as ‘musically challenged’, singing is a great way to lift your mood and calm a nervous mind. Pick your favourite Christmas anthem and sing your worries away. Why not put on a virtual concert for your nearest and dearest if you’re brave enough? (Connect with loved ones virtually over Zoom)
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Spread the Christmas spirit by making your own holiday cards! Grab your coat and gloves, head out into your local winter wonderland, and get a picturesque photo to share with your friends and neighbours. Pop your cards in the post, or send them virtually! (If you can’t get the perfect snap, download our free Christmas cards on shop.happiful.com/collections/freebies) 84 | happiful.com
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LEND US YOUR EARS ‘Calm it Down’
When times get tough, it can often feel like we’re fighting just to get through the day. American pianist and composer Chad Lawson talks us through how to find calm as we navigate the ups and downs of life, to help make what we think are big problems, much smaller. (Listen to the podcast on iTunes and Spotify)
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PLUGGED-IN Morgan Harper Nichols Artist, poet, and musician Morgan Harper Nichols shares daily reminders that you are stronger than you know, with her artwork, which is inspired by real stories. Follow Morgan for calming visuals and kind words. (Follow @morganharpernichols on Instagram)
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TECH TIP-OFFS Elfster
Are you planning a secret gift exchange with your friends and family? Elfster is a Secret Santa generator that will do all the work for you (maybe it will actually stay secret this year!). If you think Santa might need some extra help, you can even make a wish list. (Download from the App Store and Google Play)
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Christmas Jumper Day
While things may be a little different this year, there’s no reason we can’t still embrace the Christmas spirit, and support vulnerable children around the world. Dig out your festive garments, share a #Elfie with your friends, and donate online. (11 December, donate online at savethechildren.org.uk)
SQUARE EYES The Repair Shop Christmas special
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GET GOING Simple stretches
Wrapping presents can spark joy, but in our experience it can also bring aches and pains! Put down your ribbons and ease your aches by practising some stretches. You don’t need to be flexible, just find a comfortable space, breathe deeply, and stretch. (Find simple stretches you can try at home at happiful.com)
Many of us have family heirlooms or sentimental items that could never be replaced, but what happens when those special objects need a little TLC? Enter: The Repair Shop. Jay and his team of expert craftspeople fix up precious items, bringing joy to homes across the country. (Watch on BBC One, or catch up on BBC iPlayer)
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THE CONVERSATION
TREAT YOURSELF Hug at Home diamond throw
Who doesn’t love a comforting blanket to keep you warm and cosy on cold winter nights? Hug at Home offers an ever growing collection of natural and sustainable products to snuggle at home. Their diamond throw is made from 100% recycled plastic bottles, but it’s as soft as wool to keep you toasty! (£35, shop online at hugathome.co.uk)
WIN!
Win a Hug at Home diamond throw For your chance to win, simply email competitions@happiful.com with your answer to the following question: Which popular Christmas song contains the lyric “The weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful”? a) ‘Fairytale of New York’
b) ‘A Holly Jolly Christmas’
c) ‘Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!’
*Competition closes 17 December. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!
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Sign up for FREE at redtogether.co.uk 86 | happiful.com
Active supporter of RED January:
emotions
How to deal with passive aggressiveness Struggling to know how to respond to an awkward person in your life? Unspoken tension and passive aggressive behaviour can wear you down, but it doesn’t have to be this way. Our experts have coping strategies and top tips to help you tackle the situation… Writing | Claire Munnings
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he chances are we’ve all experienced passive aggressive behaviour in one form or another. Whether it’s a friend giving you the silent treatment, a work colleague ‘misunderstanding’ your instructions, your partner making subtle comments about the division of chores, or a sullen teenager slamming their bedroom door, a sense of indirect hostility can fester under the surface of many situations. But just how can we deal with it effectively? And what is at the root of this behaviour? “To put it simply, passive aggressiveness is a way of behaving that is indirectly aggressive rather than directly aggressive towards others,” explains mindset coach Ruth
Kudzi. “It can show up in a number of ways – someone may claim that they are fine, when it is clear this isn’t the case, they may refuse to respond to requests, share negative feelings through subtle actions, or make you feel guilty about a situation.” The problem is that this type of behaviour is often so subtle we tend to brush over it, or pretend it hasn’t happened – which doesn’t help in the long run. “It’s the passive nature of the aggression that means it can be so covert it’s hard to identify as aggressive,” says love and relationships coach Emma Spiegler. “But, passive aggression must not be underestimated for its slow and detrimental effects, as it can ruin a relationship. And this is the thing – when we’re
on the receiving end of passive aggression, we can end up second guessing our own behaviour. This can have a devastating effect on our confidence, self-esteem, and our emotional health. It can also impact other areas of our life, including our relationships, social life, and work life,” said Emma.
Time to take action
Keen to stop these endless conflict circles, or understand how to react in different situations? Our experts share their tips… • Identify it: “The first step to dealing with these situations is to watch out for signs of passive aggressive behaviour, so you can be aware of when you’re experiencing it,” Ruth advises. >>>
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Claire Munnings is a health and wellbeing journalist. She enjoys writing about how we can live more mindfully and be kind to ourselves.
Emma agrees. “The key here is to not get sucked into the covertness of this behaviour,” she says. “You need to name it for what it is – aggression. This can be a hard step, because often denial is easier than challenging something head on, and change can be uncomfortable.” Passive aggression can take many forms, and you may not be fully aware you’ve been experiencing it. But, if something feels hurtful or someone is being deliberately awkward, it’s likely that they’re being passive aggressive – even if they don’t realise it.
It’s the passive nature of the aggression that means it can be so convert it’s hard to identify • Consider what is driving the aggression: While there are not necessarily excuses for this behaviour, understanding its triggers can be useful. “Many people who display passive aggressive traits are uncomfortable having difficult conversations, or believe that sharing emotion is to be avoided,” explains Ruth.
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“Equally, some people are more likely to display this behaviour as they may view passive aggression as more sociallyacceptable than direct anger.” Deep-rooted emotions and long-held views can have an impact, too. “Some people may have simply not learned how to communicate directly, openly and honestly about their feelings,” Emma says. “They may also have a low sense of self-worth, driven by wounds and beliefs developed in childhood or adulthood, that means they resort to this type of behaviour to gain a sense of power,” she adds. It may be the case that they feel simply unhappy in a certain situation, or underappreciated, too. • Talk about it: “Once you’ve identified that someone is displaying passive aggression, it’s time to address it in a non-confrontational way by recognising this behaviour, and giving them an option to talk about their emotions,” recommends Ruth. Employing different communication strategies can be useful, and it’s important to prepare for these conversations properly.
How you broach the subject will depend on a lot of different factors – who the person is, your relationship, the type of behaviour you’ve been experiencing, and the length of time it’s been happening. Emma recommends trying a four-step process that involves explaining your observations without judgment, expressing your feelings calmly, clarifying your needs, and then conveying specific requests based on these points. “At the more extreme end, where this passive
HOW TO REACT Emma shares her tips on how to cope with passive aggressive behaviour in different situations: With work colleagues It’s important to acknowledge that your feelings matter in the workplace, and your emotional wellbeing should be looked after here. Many people fear they can’t say anything in case they lose their job, but this shouldn’t be the case. Address the situation directly with your colleague, or speak to someone higher up. The chances are that others feel the same way.
The more that we allow the energy from the passive aggression to impact us, the more it can erode our wellbeing
aggression is chronic and has severely impacted your selfworth, I would advise seeking help before you confront the behaviour,” she adds. • Take a step back: In some cases, the best thing to do is remove yourself from the situation as much as possible. “If you can’t physically remove yourself, try to emotionally remove yourself so you don’t let the behaviour impact how you feel,” says Ruth. “The more that we allow the energy from the passive
aggression to impact us, the more it can erode our wellbeing. Remember this isn’t about you: it is down to the person being unable to communicate how they are feeling effectively.” Ruth Kudzi is a mindset coach, mentor, author, and speaker. For more information visit ruthkudzi.com Emma Spiegler is a relationships and sexuality coach, and the co-founder of The Feel Good Rooms. Visit zoeclews-hypnotherapy.co.uk/ the-feel-good-rooms
With friends Passive aggression in close friendships can be tricky to address, as it’s easy to let certain behavioural traits become part of your relationship dynamic. Let them know something has been playing on your mind, and arrange a time to speak. When you do so, share a few recent examples of the behaviour, and express your feelings. It’s good to open up the dialogue, and be prepared to listen in case there are ways you might have been contributing to this dynamic. With strangers Crossing paths with a sulky shop assistant or a rude family at the park is not unusual, but it can still knock your confidence. As you’re not invested in this relationship, remember that you don’t need to engage with it. With strangers, you have no idea about their level of empathy or communication skills, so it’s best to just walk away.
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true story
Homeless at 15...
This year hasn’t been easy for anyone, and the air is heavy with uncertainty. But for those worrying about being without a roof over their heads, missing their family, or who don’t feel safe at home, Hannah shares her story as someone who made it out of dire circumstances, to provide hope for us all Writing | Hannah Lee
I
was born into a family, half Chinese-Malaysian and half Northern Irish. Our skin was classed as too White to be Asian, too Asian to be White. Then four of us became three when my parents divorced in 2000, with my sister, mum and I moving to Northern Ireland, and my dad staying in London. Three became two, when I was separated from my sister in 2002. And then it was just one. When I was 15, nine days before Christmas, I came home to find the house empty. The lights were off, my mum and dog were gone, and my belongings were in bin bags on the drive. I was unable to articulate the emptiness I felt towards life until recent years. My childhood was spent praying I wouldn’t wake up, learning how to survive, and building walls to protect myself. Pushing people away and doing it alone was easier than letting people in. I still can’t believe that the life I live now is mine. It’s completely different to the one I was dealt. I can still remember the fear I had when I was sitting in the council office in January 2011. Wooden walls, a huge table, sat opposite a man with glasses and moustache who laid out my housing options. He told me how to scare off an attacker – “Dance towards him and sing, it
will confuse him and he’ll leave you alone.” He handed me forms to legally declare myself homeless, and sent me to a halfway house B&B with my social worker’s details and a rape alarm. Three council houses later, I dropped out of school, was labelled as a “troubled teen”, was bullied and isolated from my peers. The majority of my teenage years were spent in darkness, wishing my life away. Days turned into weeks in bed, phone turned off, council flat overrun with clutter, and I wouldn’t go outside. I’d binge eat, cut friends off, and self-harm. Going into adulthood, I was far more comfortable being alone, and knowing death was a way out, than overcoming my odds. I’ll be honest, I can’t quite pinpoint when things changed for me. I wish I could say there was an ‘ah-hah’ moment. There were moments I messed up massively. I never really learnt the importance of relationships, or how to be a good friend, my default was to give up when things were hard, or to run away and hide when I didn’t want to face reality. I definitely made some horrible and reckless decisions, often choosing the path of self-destruction. But one day I chose myself and I chose a better future. >>>
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Above: Hannah and her sister, Tash, in 1997
In 2015, my 20s came around and I applied for university. I returned to London, reunited with my sister and father, and got stuck in to my studies. It was a classic university experience, featuring many drunken nights out, and hungover lectures. However, the golden people are something I will never forget. I learnt to
I definitely made some horrible and reckless decisions, often choosing the path of self-destruction navigate friendships and dynamics with women – something I had avoided since my experience with my mother. I learnt that people could be patient, supportive, kind and forgiving. All these new traits I hadn’t been exposed to before, allowed me to forgive my mother, let her go, and put in the work for myself. Slowly, it was easier to put myself in uncomfortable situations and work for a better life. I came out as an Honours student in Business Management, and on the Dean’s list despite ongoing intense therapy for 18 months (depression, anxiety, eating disorders, you name
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it). I had to relive experiences and learn to identify how the loss of my childhood manifested in everyday life. I found yoga and trained as a teacher, being able to be still in my body and mind for the first time in my life. I had to invest just as much time into myself as I did my academic and professional achievements – but it paid off. Looking back at the past couple of years, I’ve had some great opportunities, and my career has taken leaps. Now I’m in a company that continues to astound me. It prioritises authenticity in all we do, and always focuses on how we can protect our mental health. My team has the most creative minds and compassionate hearts, we spend our days working with business owners and helping them overcome those challenges. It’s 2020, the year that shook the world, but I want to wake up every day. My sister is my best friend and rock; we often talk about the life we knew, and how sometimes we can’t quite believe it happened – or that we survived it. Here I am, after moving 18 times, I’m settled back home in London. Along the way, I’ve learned a lot. And if I was to speak to my younger self now, I would tell her: • Do not run from your Asian heritage – this is something you should be proud of, as it’s the side of you that will make you feel most ‘whole’.
true story
Below: Hannah with her dad at her graduation
• Learning to exercise will teach you discipline, and give you an alternative escape from stress. • Remember to have fun, as you’ll look back at this later on in life and wish you’d given yourself some more slack. • The world owes you nothing – if you’re not prepared to work for it and make the best out of every situation, that is on you. • No one can take the safety and security away from you – you have built it and it is yours. It lies within you, and is not linked to material goods or situations. • The independence and resilience you are learning now will empower you to live a life you truly deserve, and you will know what it’s like to feel proud.
And for anyone struggling in their own lives, I want to tell you it does get better – but it’s going to take time and commitment, there’s no magic fix. Remember that you are not your circumstances, but they will drive you in every single thing you do. If you come from a broken or violent home, you are not broken and you do not need to be fixed. Learn to apologise, understand why you’re sorry, and how you want to rectify your wrongs. Reflect on your behaviour and keep yourself accountable – you get out what you put in and you need to constantly evolve. You can be vulnerable without having to sacrifice any of your strength or independence. I would also say, please don’t harbour anger. Letting it go doesn’t mean you’re being kind to the people that hurt you, you’re just being kind to yourself, and it’s the best thing you’ll ever do. Always back yourself , and know it’s OK to let people in – you need some love to get you through. And finally, you do not need to carry shame or guilt for who you are, or your story, because it’s made you who you are.
OUR EXPERT SAYS Hannah’s truly inspirational story evokes many emotions. Her very difficult start to life clearly had a damaging impact on her wellbeing. However, with a strong will and determination, Hannah was able to find a place where she has happy again, where she could bring her self to the world – and for it
to be welcomed kindly. The negative life experiences that once inhibited Hannah are now her source of learning, strength, and passion. Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred) Counsellor and psychotherapist
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Never bend your head. Hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye HELEN KELLER
Photography | Pieter Benjamin
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culture
Steph (left) and members of the Soul Analyse team
A f f i r m a t i o n s f o r
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Steph Dunleavy, co-founder of affirmation jewellery brand Soul Analyse, shares the experiences and inspiration that set her on a new path in life... Writing | Lucy Donoughue
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nspiration can come in many forms. It could be something we read, hear, see, or scroll past, but when a phrase or way of thinking really resonates with you, it can make a huge
difference to your perspective in that moment, and beyond. For Steph Dunleavy, co-founder of the affirmation jewellery brand Soul Analyse, inspiration came after listening to a talk
by the late Louise Hay, who is acknowledged to be one of the original founders of the self-help movement. However, Steph’s own journey of change had started some time before that moment, after she lost her dad, suddenly, to cancer in 2012. He was just 46 years old. “The two years that followed Dad’s death were a tumultuous whirlwind,” Steph explains. “I felt like I’d had the rug pulled out from underneath me. Life felt so unstable and uncertain. I couldn’t seem to find peace, and I started spiralling out of control. I was self-sabotaging and not taking care of myself, which led to me feeling very depressed.” >>>
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Photography | Jessie Barry
I wrote phrases such as ‘ You can d o t h i s . Y o u a r e s t r o n g ,’ b e c a u s e I felt so weak at that time
One evening, when Steph was struggling with her emotions, her partner, Jasper Ibrahim, introduced Louise Hay’s talk into their lives. At first, Steph felt irritated by the noise coming from his laptop, but her mood changed when she started to really listen to what was being said. “I remember this feeling of serenity, calm, and possibility coming over me,” Steph explains. “What Louise was saying felt real, authentic, and really resonated. I stared at the screen in disbelief, because something had just clicked. Hearing that we can all change our lives based on what we think was incredible. Back then, that was a totally new concept for me.” The impact of that talk lasted well beyond one evening, as Steph stuck Post-It notes around her home so she could read positive affirmations throughout her day. “I wrote phrases such as ‘You can do this. You are strong,’ because I felt so weak at that time. Just seeing that message to myself was the boost I needed.” Acknowledging the success of this simple action, Steph and Jasper began to talk about the power of thought, both agreeing
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they wanted to help others move through tough times, as they were starting to, using visible affirmations. They dreamt of starting a business, and a new way of life together. Sign after sign seemed to appear for the pair, indicating the change of course they were on the brink of taking was the right one. After they came across a notebook that read ‘Live in the sunshine, swim in the sea, drink the wild air,’ the couple set off to travel around Asia for a year, to explore not only the world, but what might be possible for them. Steph’s face lights up as she shares her story of Soul Analyse’s beginnings during this time. “We started to live with purpose. We were being guided, and we were taking in the messages we recieved. We’d write in that notebook every day, and flesh out ideas; how we could change our own mindsets to grow something
Affirmations to try: I am enough. I am strong. I am loved. I am me.
that had meaning, and help others, too. “That’s when we came up with our first range of jewellery, and began designing and speaking with manufacturers, even though we were constantly on the move,” she continues. Their original ‘I am’ range featured just three words, but a powerful message for anyone reading or wearing the pieces. Bracelets and necklaces, etched with phrases such as ‘I am
culture
enough’, ‘I am strong’, and ‘I am loved’, were created to remind people of their self-worth, ability, and value. When Jasper and Steph landed back in the UK after their adventures, they’d successfully created their dream business – and a new life. Steph was five months pregnant with their daughter. The first batch of jewellery arrived two weeks after their return, and the next chapter of their lives was unfolding. Life at that time was far from easy though, as Steph explains. “We’d put everything we had into this
The inaugural year of operation, she notes, was incredibly difficult. Money continued to be hard to come by, but the couple would not be swayed off course. “It was obvious to others that we were really struggling, and they questioned what we were doing, but we just kept going. Even if we only had one sale a day, we knew we were doing something substantial. We were helping that one person.” Their gut instinct, solid work, and strong belief ultimately paid off. Although Steph and Jasper have negotiated many highs and lows between the company’s
Today, Steph continues to listen to the words of Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, and other inspirational speakers. It’s become a fundamental part of her own daily self-care ritual, and she honours the impact it’s had upon her life. “I had a hard upbringing, with very little money, so I had many self-limiting beliefs about what I could achieve and what was open to me before I heard Louise Hay talk,” she reflects. “I didn’t realise that there were resources out there that could help everyone, including me. That changed absolutely everything.”
Co-founder Jasper Ibrahim I’m a big believer that gratitude multiplies blessings, and what you give out comes back
Find out more at soulanalyse.com Instagram @soulanalyse
year away and the jewellery, so we had nothing left. We’d spent literally every penny. We rocked up at Jasper’s mum’s with our backpacks, and asked if we could stay.” And so, the first ever Soul Analyse range was launched from Jasper’s mum’s front room. “We didn’t have any experience to be honest,” Steph says softly. “We had an idea, we felt it was right, had meaning, and it could help people – and we ran with it.”
launch in 2015 and the present day, they’ve now reached a place they’re deeply grateful to be at. “I say thank you every day,” Steph says. “In the early days, Jasper and I held hands every time we got an order and said thank you, out loud. I’m a big believer that gratitude multiplies blessings, and what you give out comes back. When I think back on those times, I know that they were really hard, but they were also really special.”
As well as listening to others speak, Steph now religiously takes time to respond to customers’ messages about their life stories. “Being able to listen to their experiences is really powerful. I’ve had many calls where I’ve shared my own stories too, because if I can say something that might help, or let them know they’re not alone, I want to do that. I honestly think that’s why I was called to set up Soul Analyse, and that means the world to me.”
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