Happiful December 2021

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DISCOVER

The winds of change

Wise words to change your life

Embrace the art of letting go. Your next step is forward...

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The art of letting go

As the year draws to a close, naturally it’s a time to reflect on where we are, where we want to be – and who we want to be. We might think about how far we’ve come in the past 12 months, or, for some of us, feel disheartened that we’ve not made as much progress as we’d have hoped.

At times like this, it’s easy to beat ourselves up. Blame ourselves for not being productive enough, for making a mistake, for being afraid. But what good does all that negative self-talk do?

Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge

What we need to see is that if we want change, sometimes we have to just go with it. Really consider the things in our life that we’re thankful for, as well as acknowledging the people, environments, or habits that are holding us back – and be prepared to recognise that these can be our history, but they don’t have to be our destiny. We have the power, and choice, to let things go.

This can be a scary place to be – the precipice of change – but more often than not, the answers to all those questions about what you need, and what’s no longer serving you, are already there inside. We just have to trust our gut, and listen to ourselves.

To help you do just that, read our article on p30 that explores finding your path, whether that’s recognising what you don’t want anymore, or following a passion for a brighter future!

We want to help you move forward from bereavement, as you face the ‘firsts’ without your loved one on p64. And on p51 we’ve gathered together inspiring sentiments and advice that proved life-changing for our readers.

So often in life, we’re told that holding on is what takes strength and courage, but sometimes it’s actually letting go.

The Chinese text Tao Te Ching says: “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.”

It doesn’t have to always be a great leap of faith, perhaps it’s just time for that first step. No matter the size, you’re still moving forward.

Happy reading.

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REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR

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30

In with the new 17 Dictionary corner

As ‘body positivity’ is added to the dictionary, what’s the history?

30 Change is in the air

How do you know when it’s time to shake things up in your life?

51 The best advice ever 78 Hassan Akkad

On taking ownership of our stories

91 Surviving the modern world What's really getting in the way of a better work-life balance?

Relationships 60 Coping skills for kids

Help children build gentle resilience

64 Bereavement firsts Reaching the difficult milestones while grieving

72 Boss makes you miserable?

A psychological framework that'll help explain the dynamic

Food & health 40 Cold blooded

Do you have an extreme sensitivity to cold? Stress could be the cause

48 How to confront diet talk

Set boundaries and express needs

54 Seasonal delights 62 Ultimate hot chocolate 81 In the bag

The essential guide to herbal teas

17

Positive pointers

True stories

20 Unlock your creativity

43 Ian: Mixin' it up

We all have it within us

28 Feed the birds

Put on a feast this winter

57 Spread joy

Acts of kindness for service workers

85 Let there be light

How to use light to boost wellbeing

A reignited passion for cooking helped Ian with his chronic illness

69 Hayley: Getting answers An endometriosis diagnosis led her to reach out to others

95 Magali: Clear to see

It all made sense as she learned more about bipolar disorder

81

72 Culture

28

8 Good news

This month’s uplifting stories

13 The wellbeing wrap 63 Unmissable reads 74 Things to do in December

Wellbeing 14 What is gluggavedur?

Change your view on winter

25 Crisis fatigue

Could this phenomenon be the cause of your exhaustion?

25 37

37 Flex appeal

Reach for better wellbeing

46 Massage magic

Harness its soothing power

76 Spot problem gambling

Try this at home 22 Reduce waste this winter 34 Handmade Christmas 89 The real present 98 An exercise in gratitude

*

Expert review Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

As we approach a new year, it prompts thoughts of what changes we may bring into the future. This can often be helped along by reflecting on how you feel about yourself and the world around you. Head over to p30 for an inspiring article on how to bring such change into your life.

The process of change can sometimes be challenging.

However, if the intention remains authentic, and will have a positive impact on your wellbeing, it’s certainly something worth exploring.

RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Our team

Expert Panel Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Head Writer Chelsea Graham | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer

SASHA PAUL

ANDY GILL

Dip NNT NLP EFT CNHC NCFED

BA NLP E-RYT JSY500 AC BWY

Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships

Sasha is a nutritional therapist and eating disorder recovery coach.

Andy is a therapist who uses coaching, hypnotherapy, and yoga.

Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor

Grace Victory, Andy Gill | Columnists

Janette Owen | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead

ANGELE TILLY

UTA BOELLINGER

DipBSoM

Dip Nut mBANT rCNHC

Angele is a life coach and meditation teacher, specialising in body image.

Uta is a registered nutritional therapist specialising in fertility.

Rosan Magar | Illustrator Tamlyn Izzett | Graphic Designer

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Alice Greedus | PR Manager

CONTRIBUTORS Maxine Ali, Sibby Spencer, Dr Audrey Tang, Amanda Ann Gregory, Rosalind Ryan, Connor Hope, Jenna Farmer, Becky Johnston, Ian Taverner, Hayley Ray, Magali Agnello, Charlotte Ambrose

ADRIENNE KIRK

LUCY DAY

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BA (Hons) HDipCT (iTEC) MFHT

Adrienne is a psychotherapist specialising in one-to-one therapy and bereavement.

Lucy is a remedial and sports massage therapist specialising in stress.

SPECIAL THANKS Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Angele Tilly, Lucy Day, Sasha Paul, Isobel Baillie Hamilton, Uta Boellinger, Adrienne Kirk

MANAGEMENT Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

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GRAEME ORR

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Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.

Rachel is a life coach, encouraging confidence.

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The winds of change

Wise words to change your life

Embrace the art of letting go. Your next step is forward...

SHINE BRIGHT

Ignite your senses with light therapy

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The Uplift

ENVIRONMENT

Drinks for devices: The pub inspiring us to reduce electronic waste How many old devices do you have lurking in your drawers? The average household has around 20, with many more going straight in the bin. This means every adult in the UK produces a whopping 23.9kg in electrical waste each year, which equates (in volume) to eight pints.

Recognising this boozy equivalent, tech-recirculation service Spring launched The Trade Inn – a pop-up pub where customers paid for food and drink with their unwanted

8 | December 2021 | happiful.com

devices. Offering up smartphones, e-readers, and iPods, patrons were able to get a round in and withdraw any additional funds as cash, while Spring repair and recirculate the tech.

“Most people don’t realise that leaving an old device in a drawer is as bad as throwing it in a bin,” Spring co-founder James Seear tells us. “That’s because rather than being used again, it has to be replaced by something else.”

New projections reveal that the UK’s e-waste problem is getting

worse, and we’re set to become Europe’s biggest producer by 2024. Hoping to change this, Spring is set to launch 250 kioskstyle pods in supermarkets across the UK next year, with the aim of recirculating 100,000 devices and saving 4,000 tonnes of CO2.

“People can find their local Spring pod at spring.co.uk, then we’ll pay you for your old device, wipe it, and send it off to a new home,” James explains. “It’s good for you, and good for the planet!”

Writing | Kat Nicholls

TECHNOLOGY

Dating app puts safety first Dating apps may spark the flames of romance for some couples, but they can also be the start of some unsavoury encounters, too.

So, in a step that’s set to up the safety game of these platforms, dating app Badoo has launched a new feature that automatically detects harassment and insulting messages, sending a prompt to the user to check that everything is OK, and highlighting the option to block and report the sender.

The learning AI is currently focusing on three categories.

‘Sexual’: messages with a clear sexual connotation or overly sexual comments on someone’s appearance. ‘Insult’: any clear insult directed to the receiver of the message. And ‘identity hate’: any discrimination or attack against race, sexual orientation, gender identity and expression, ethnicity, nationality, disability, religion, or sexual orientation.

“We know using witty and playful language is all part of the fun of dating for many people, but we want to make sure there is a clear

distinction on what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour,” said Natasha Briefel, brand marketing director at Badoo UK. “We hope that the launch of the Rude Message Detector feature will encourage the minority of people to think before they type a rude message, as well as helping receivers to feel empowered to block and report this behaviour.”

With safety at the forefront of many people’s minds, this new feature for dating apps sounds like a match made in heaven.

KIDS

No good deed goes unnoticed Pupils celebrated for their acts of kindness in a star-studded awards ceremony The kindness of kids is something truly special, and cultivating that drive and generosity for the future just makes sense. With that in mind, at a night dedicated to the good deeds of its young people, the Embark Federation Awards set out to celebrate the children going above and beyond for their communities, highlighting the achievements of 108 pupils from 12 schools in Derbyshire.

Amongst the lineup was Nathan Hodkinson, who was presented with a community award for handing out mugs of soup and blankets to those living on the streets in Derby. Emily Parry

crafted almost 200 poppies with her gran, which she then sold and donated all proceeds to the Royal British Legion’s annual Poppy Appeal, while Oliver Saxton collected litter from the streets of Ilkeston.

With special guests, including BAFTA award-winning actress Chanel Cresswell and dance troupe Diversity’s Kelvin Clark, it was a night to remember for the children and their families.

Speaking of the incredible achievements of the young people, Embark Federation Trust leader, Matthew Crawford, said: “The awards epitomised our

core beliefs; family, integrity, teamwork, and success that are central to everything we do. It was also a great occasion for our children and their families to come together and celebrate ‘in person’.”

It really goes to show that all of us, big and small, can make a difference.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

happiful.com | December 2021 | 9

WELLBEING

Is the UK a nation of optimists?

Apparently, yes it is – as eight in 10 Brits report that their glasses are half-full.

In a survey commissioned to coincide with the launch of GP and presenter Dr Rangan Chatterjees’ podcast ‘Built to Thrive’, 83% of respondents described themselves as positive, with their glasses generally “half-full” – only 17% described themselves as negative, and with “half-empty glasses”.

With the events of the past two years, these results may be somewhat of a surprise, but diving into what precisely it was that has been keeping our collective chins up, the poll found that it’s the small things in life that make all the difference.

Going on a relaxing walk topped the list of activities that keep us feeling positive, followed by eating well, working out, catching up with friends, and getting an early night.

Others also shared that taking a long shower, hugging a loved one, as well as doing a random act of kindness all contributed to a positive outlook on life.

“Our research shows that we are a ‘glass half full’ nation, trying to stay on the bright side and picking ourselves up with the little things in life,” said Dr Chatterjee. “Helping people improve their health and wellbeing has been my life’s work, and I truly believe that carving out just five minutes a day to focus on yourself can have huge benefits.”

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

happiful.com | December 2021 | 11

How did you do? Sea rch 'freebies ' at shop.ha ppiful.co m to find th e answe r s, and mor e!

Take 5

Sit back, put your feet up, and enjoy a few moments of puzzling fun

Sudoku

Emojinary

In this test of logic, can you complete the empty boxes so that the numbers one to nine appear in each row, column, and 3x3 square?

1

8

4

6

5

1 9

2

2

3

4

5 8

9

2

7

3

2 4

9 8

7

4

Can you decipher these festive films based on the emoji descriptions of their plots?

5

6

4 9

6

8

7

8 7

2

The

wellbeing wrap Menari, an endangered Sumatran orangutan, is expecting twins at a zoo in New Orleans

Forbes, a pet cat who went missing 10 years ago from Aberdeen, has been reunited with his owners

The boss of Timpson has announced that all menopausal employees can claim back prescription costs for HRT

Éléonore Laloux is France’s first public official with Down’s Syndrome, and was recently awarded membership of the National Order of Merit

A bright idea

Scientists in Spain have created a brain implant that allowed a blind patient to ‘see’ for the first time in 16 years! An artificial retina, attached to glasses, detects light and processes this as signals sent to the implant, enabling her to identify shapes and silhouettes.

Support was sent from around the globe for Australian Josh Cavallo, who has become the first openly gay top-flight footballer in the world. It’s hoped his openness will allow others to be their authentic selves, too.

Thanks for the memories

New research suggests the wave of consumerism is ebbing away, as 83% of respondents to a PastBook survey stated they would rather spend time with loved ones than buy material goods. It seems we’re all reassessing what really matters, as 77% also valued the memory of an item (such as a photo) over its financial worth, suggesting that moments are what we truly treasure in the end.

Wakanda forever

A year on from actor Chadwick Boseman’s death, his former university and Netflix have joined forces to offer a $5.4 million scholarship in his honour. Howard University, in Washington DC, will offer the scholarship to students at the College of Fine Arts, with the aim of providing the opportunity for further education that some may not have been able to otherwise afford.

Not good news for Nigels; according to the Office for National Statistics, the name is officially extinct after not one baby was called it in 2020. The same goes for ‘Carol’, while ‘Stuart’, ‘Trevor’, ‘and ‘Janice’ are all at risk. Meanwhile, Oliver and Olivia are still topping the charts as the most popular names for the fifth year in a row.

Having a laugh

While class clowns may have got a reputation as super-distractors over the years, a new study from Turkey actually suggests these kids are probably the smartest in the room! Researchers found that children with higher IQs made funnier jokes. Now that’s what you call a class act...

In a

prickle

Supporting local wildlife, and helping the planet out – what’s not to love?

The RSPCA East Winch Wildlife Centre recently shared a video on Twitter of vets removing parasites from a poor hedgehog using a toothbrush. But they said that old mascara brushes can do the trick as well, so send any you no longer need to them to help out!

In a heartwarming act of kindness and heroism, five hikers on a trail in Canada were recorded using their turbans as a rope to save two men who had fallen into water.

Hiker Kuljinder Kinda said: “In Sikhi, we are taught to help someone in any way we can with anything we have, even our turban.”

Come fly with me

In scenes to rival those at the start of festive favourite flick Love Actually, Sydney airport opened its doors to quarantine-free flights for the first time in two years, and saw loved ones finally able to reunite. After international borders closed back in March 2020, many friends and family have been unable to visit, hug, or see each other due to safety measures, but as of 1 November this all changed, paving the way for a lot of love this Christmas.

14 | December 2021 | happiful.com

wellbeing

What is gluggavedur?

Pull up a blanket, head to your nearest window, and enjoy the peace gluggavedur can bring

H

Writing | Kat Nicholls

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

ow’s the weather looking where you are? If, like me, you’re in the depths of winter in the UK, chances are it’s grey, chilly, and perhaps a little rainy. This kind of weather has been affectionately named ‘gluggavedur’ in Iceland, which translates to ‘windowweather’ – the kind that isn’t particularly nice to be out in, but is wonderful to appreciate from the inside.

While many of us are familiar with this weather, can you remember the last time you sat by a window to really appreciate the scene outside? Modern life is fast-paced, there’s no denying that.

Allowing ourselves to slow down takes intention, but by giving ourselves the space to do so, incredible things can happen.

When we slow down, we can be more mindful in our day-to-day life. We can refocus on what’s important to us and prioritise self-care. We give ourselves a sense of whitespace, where we don’t have to ‘do’ anything; we can just be. In these moments creativity thrives, inspiration and ‘ah-ha’ moments spring from the stillness – like buds on a tree that’s been dormant a while.

So, how does gluggavedur fit into this?

Well, it can serve as a perfect prompt to take a breather. When window-weather arrives, ask yourself, can I carve out some time to curl up by the window? It doesn’t have to be a whole day (although if you can, go right ahead!), even 10 minutes to pause and watch droplets dance on the glass can have a powerful effect.

We know that spending time in nature has a positive impact on our mental health, but can we actually reap some of these benefits from a window? Watching the world go by can help us feel more connected, as we see how we form a part of this complex ecosystem on earth. >>>

happiful.com | December 2021 | 15

Gluggavedur: making it special Looking up at the vast sky can also instil a sense of awe – and this, according to a study published by the Association for Psychological Science, can actually change our perception of time. The study found that when we feel awe, we tend to believe time is more plentiful.

Alternatively, you might be craving a sense of escapism.

In this case, a good book can make an ideal gluggavedur companion. Reading helps to reduce stress, so let yourself get lost in a story while rain tapping at the window provides the perfect soundtrack.

Of course, gluggavedur also offers an excellent chance to practise mindfulness.

Paying attention to the here and now helps us to feel calmer and cope better with difficult emotions. You can practise mindfulness by simply homing-in on what you can see, hear, smell, and feel – a great exercise to try while cosying up by a window. There’s also mindfulness meditation; try an app like Headspace or Calm to guide you.

So, the next time you look outside and see dark and dreary weather, don’t let it put a dampener on your day. Instead, see it as an opportunity to slow down, relax and embrace gluggavedur, because nothing can rain on that parade.

In these moments creativity thrives, inspiration and ahha moments spring from the stillness - like buds on a tree that’s been dormant a while As well as the above, gluggavedur can shift us into a contemplative state of mind.

When we allow ourselves to rest and observe, our thinking slows down. Worries can fade into the background and you might find yourself letting deeper questions arise. This might be the perfect time for some journaling. You may finally feel able to untangle that problem, or even unearth an epiphany. Start by writing about the weather you’re watching and how it makes you feel, and see where you go from there.

If writing isn’t your thing, you might want to explore something else creative. This could be sketching or painting what you see, embroidery or knitting – anything that helps you switch off, relax, and have a little fun.

16 | December 2021 | happiful.com

Finding it difficult to make space for yourself? Working with a wellness coach could help you manage stress and prioritise self-care. Learn more at lifecoach-directory.org.uk

When you notice window weather, here are some ways you can make it an experience...

• Dress up your windowsill: Put some seasonal decorations up, add some plants, flowers, or decorative trinkets. Make your window a beautiful place, and encourage yourself to spend more time there.

• Scent the space: Burn some incense, aromatherapy oils, or a scented candle as you watch the weather.

This can enhance the experience and, depending on the scents you choose, encourage deeper relaxation.

• Play some music: You might want to stay quiet and enjoy the natural sounds of the weather outside but, if it’ll help you switch off, try playing some calming music in the background.

• Get cosy: Grab a blanket and some pillows to make the experience as comfy as possible – there’s something special about feeling warm when the weather is anything but.

• Have your tools to hand: Keep your journal, book, or creative tools of choice stored near the window so you can grab them when the weather strikes.

‘Body positivity’ takes on a whole new meaning

The phrase has been with us for years, and was recently added to the Oxford English Dictionary, but the debate around the subject is only just getting started Writing | Maxine Ali

Y

ou’ve probably encountered the term ‘body positivity’ over the past few years. It’s a phrase that has been propelled to the forefront of cultural conversations, sparking critical discussions around poor body image in our society. Now, the term has been added to the dictionary.

‘Body positivity’ was among 1,400 new words, sub-entries, and revisions introduced to the Oxford English Dictionary in its March 2021 update. The update, which included the addition of ‘body-shaming’ and ‘fat-shaming’ to the roster, reflects a growing recognition of the dangers that exclusionary body ideals pose to our mental health.

A 2020 survey by the Women and Equalities Committee found that 62% of women feel negatively

about their bodies. Pressures from diet culture, exposure to heavily edited and sexualised images, and a lack of visual representation of diverse body types, were all cited as causes of low self-esteem.

With more than 16 million posts shared under the ‘body positive’ hashtag on Instagram, the term has united people across the globe in retaliation against toxic societal expectations to look and behave a certain way.

“Awareness of the harms associated with the pressure to conform to narrow and restrictive beauty norms certainly predate social media,” Fiona McPherson, senior editor at the OED, tells me.

“But it is fair to say that social media has provided an avenue for people – especially women – to challenge this, as well as being a vehicle for the perpetuation of such standards.”

The OED defines ‘body positivity’ as an ‘acceptance and appreciation of the human body, especially one’s own,’ and ‘the promotion and celebration of a realistic body image’ – principles we all should champion.

Where does ‘body positivity’ come from?

‘Body positivity’ owes much of its current prominence to the fat acceptance movement, which originated in the 1960s.

Fat activists campaigned to end anti-fat discrimination, and to liberate fat bodies from weight stigma.

During the late 2000s and early 2010s, the term ‘body positivity’ was integrated into fat acceptance rhetoric, gaining momentum among digital communities, led predominantly by plus-size women of colour. >>> happiful.com | December 2021 | 17

Although most discussions of ‘body positivity’ did, and still do, emphasise the rejection of appearance norms, evidence from the term’s past usage also reflect a broader focus on combating all forms of bodily shame and stigma.

“The earliest example, from 1994, uses the term in the context of feeling comfortable with physical intimacy and displays of affection, rather than with one’s appearance” explains Fiona McPherson. “We see early examples, too, which show the term is associated with the feminist and gay rights movement, and has to do with a rejection of the social shaming of physical behaviour, anatomy, and processes.”

Body image is influenced by myriad social expectations prescribing what makes a ‘good’ body. These expectations are also embedded in wider forms of discrimination, including racism, sexism, colourism, and ableism.

“It’s important to discuss body image through an intersectional lens, to consider the layered and interacting appearance pressures that individuals and groups experience” says Dr Nadia Craddock, a researcher at the Centre of Appearance Research. She tells me that, although having an appearance that does not conform to societal appearance standards doesn’t mean a person cannot have a positive body image, being subject to discrimination and prejudice based on one’s appearance increases the risk of negative body image.

18 | December 2021 | happiful.com

in with the new

This is reflected in recent body image surveys. According to the Women and Equalities Committee report, 71% of disabled respondents feel poorly about their body most of the time, and 40% of LGBT adults experience shame due to their body image.

Racialised appearance standards also place extensive pressure on the body image of Black and minority ethnic women, who bear the compounded strain of gendered and racial oppression.

At the heart of ‘body positivity’ is a mission to promote the acceptance and liberation of marginalised bodies, in particular, fat, Black and brown, queer, and disabled bodies that are routinely discriminated against. But portrayals of body positivity today regularly exclude the very bodies which need it most.

The changing meaning of ‘body positivity’ With the buzz surrounding ‘body positivity’ catapulting it into mainstream conversations, early advocates have expressed concerns that its political strands are being erased.

“It’s led to a dilution of the term,” says Michelle Elman, a life coach and the author of Am I Ugly? “People take it literally, and think that it means to be positive about your body.”

Dr Nadia Craddock agrees. “It’s very easy to think about the terms ‘positive body image’ and ‘body positivity’ as one and the same – understanding the latter term as short-hand for the former.”

She adds that “body positivity is commonly reduced to mean loving

your body and believing yourself to be beautiful”.

Increasingly, ‘body positivity’ is seen as synonymous with ‘self-love’ or ‘body confidence,’ and many businesses have capitalised on this conflation in order to sell us things with the promise of improving our relationship with our bodies.

Yet campaigns heralding themselves as ‘body positive’ overwhelmingly feature slim, white, and non-disabled bodies – upholding the very ideals it strives to overturn.

At the heart of ‘body positivity’ is a mission to promote the acceptance of marginalised bodies.

But portrayals of body positivity today regularly exclude the very bodies which need it most Michelle Elman explains that the mainstream conflation of ‘body positivity’ with ‘body confidence’ has left less space to talk about the discrimination and oppression that marginalised bodies face.

Conversations around cultivating individual positive body image have a crucial place in promoting mental health, but we need to reserve space within language for

challenging bodily discrimination on a societal level as well.

Terms to use instead of ‘body positivity’ While the fluid and evolving nature of language is in part what enabled the rise of ‘body positivity’, when a term is so strongly tied to a political movement focused on empowering marginalised communities, it’s important to ensure messages of social justice and body liberation remain reflected in its use.

Perhaps a more applicable term for what many people refer to as ‘body positivity’ is actually ‘body acceptance’. This term allows us to focus on making peace with our bodies without overwriting the specific struggles of those who founded the movement.

‘Body acceptance’ is not the belief that our bodies are perfect or beautiful, but that they are enough. This belief also forms the foundation of ‘body positivity,’ which advocates that all bodies deserve respect and acceptance.

Another term that has gained more attention in recent years is ‘body neutrality’. Body neutrality rejects the belief that, in order to make peace with our bodies we have to love or even accept the skin we’re in. Instead, we’re reminded that our value is independent of our bodies. We are so much more.

Maxine Ali is a health and science writer, and linguist specialising in body talk and body image. Follow Maxine @maxineali or visit her website maxineali.com happiful.com | December 2021 | 19

5

steps

to get in touch with your

creative superpower Unleash the magic inside you, and realise your own creative abilities Writing | Sibby Spencer

D

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

o you consider yourself to be a creative person?

Or are you someone who says things like: “I’ve no imagination,” “I’m tone deaf,” or “I can’t draw to save my life”? Often these labels we give ourselves stem from limiting beliefs, which we formed a long time ago. They may even be based wholly on something we’ve been told by someone else – a teacher at school, our parents, or perhaps an employer.

20 | Month 2021 | happiful.com

But what if I told you that you don’t have to be ‘talented in the arts’ to be creative? In fact, our minds are the perfect vessels for inspiration, and our bodies are expertly designed to manifest these ideas in the physical world.

Creativity allows us the freedom to play with those ideas, and while creating something we are usually in a ‘flow state’. Psychologists agree that a flow state increases enjoyment and motivation, and allows us to be more present. Not only that, but the completion of a creative project brings a sense of pride and achievement.

With this in mind, here are five ways you can cut through those limiting beliefs, in order to access your creative superpower for a happier, more fulfilling life.

positive pointers

1. Bust those blocks Creative blocks are often the product of our limiting beliefs.

When we set out to be creative, we are fearful about the outcome, so we convince ourselves it’s not even worth starting! We may be thinking: ‘What if it’s no good?

What if it goes wrong? Will people judge me?’

Write down any unhelpful thoughts that keep cropping up, and then either put a line through them, or rip them up and throw them away. Take a deep breath and exhale as you do so. You should feel as if you are letting go of what is holding you back.

2. Recognise that you are a creative being On a sheet of paper, write down three words to describe creativity.

For example, ‘Creativity is beautiful/free/joyful.’ Now, on a second sheet of paper, replace the words ‘Creativity is’ with the words ‘I am...’ and add the same three adjectives. For example, ‘I am beautiful, I am free, I am joyful.’ Stick these affirmations up somewhere you will see them regularly. The more often you read them, the more your brain will start to believe they are true.

3. Quieten your mind In modern life, we are bombarded with distractions, be it via technology or just the general fast pace of our busy lives. It is easy to find ourselves consumed by our thoughts.

Practising mindfulness is a fantastic way to make head-space for creative inspiration. Not sure where to start? Try this simple listening exercise: close your eyes, and listen to the world. If your mind tries to fill up with thoughts, just watch them pass you by like clouds and go back to listening. This will help to create a clearer channel for your creativity to flow.

Creating something out of nothing, made from your own imagination and desire – what could be more magical than that?

4. Notice the magic of the universe Whether you believe in God, Allah, Buddha, the universe, nature, or nothing at all, trust that there is magic at work around us. Indeed, creativity is proof of that magic. Creating something out of nothing, made from your own imagination and desire – what could be more

magical than that? If you’re struggling to notice the magic and you’re feeling bogged down, try daily gratitude. Be thankful for everything in your life that brings a smile to your face – however small. You’ll feel more inspired as a result.

5. Do what brings you joy, and go create!

Now you know how to release your limiting beliefs and quieten your mind, hopefully you’re feeling ready to get creative.

Maybe you’d like to write a poem, strum a guitar, dance to your favourite song, paint a picture, or bake a cake. The main thing is to take action, and not worry about the end result. You don’t even have to share your creation with anyone else – just enjoy the process and have fun! Tapping into your creative superpower regularly will not only enhance your wellbeing, but will also strengthen your connection with all the other human beings living on the most beautiful creation of all: planet Earth.

Sibby Spencer is an author, poet and creative empowerment coach.

If you’d like Sibby’s tips on tapping into your innate creativity and more inspirational stuff delivered straight into your inbox, sign up at thestuffoflife.thinkific.com

happiful.com | Month 2021 | 21

Waste not, want not

While it’s often a time of overindulgence, here we’re sharing some essential ideas on how to reduce waste this winter

I

Writing | Rebecca Thair

t’s a season for giving, but showing someone you care doesn’t have to cost the Earth.

How often do you realise you’ve gotten carried away, and stocked the cupboards with enough festive snacks to last well into spring? Or find that you buy gifts for the sake of it, only for them to sit gathering dust at the back of a cupboard?

While there’s nothing wrong with treating yourself and those you love, our bank balances, and the planet, might thank us for being a little more conscious of what we truly need – and reducing that unnecessary waste and indulgence. Here are a few essential considerations for the season to help save you money, time, and energy in the long-run.

Single it out

We all know some of the key things we can do to reduce the single-use plastics we consume throughout the year, but when it comes to Christmas (or any celebration for that matter) there are numerous extra plastics that creep into the mix, you may not have even thought about. Glitter, 22 | December 2021 | happiful.com

often on decorations, cards and even in makeup, is actually tiny bits of plastic that often end up washed down sinks and into the ocean.

Don’t worry, you shine enough without the glitter – but if you really want that extra bit of sparkle, consider purchasing eco-friendly from a site such as ecostardust.com.

S o m e l i ke i t h o t

As the temperature drops, many of us may automatically crank up the heating, or have it running for longer and longer each day.

But the truth is we can do a lot to better insulate our homes, and reduce the need to burn those energy supplies. You could invest in a draught excluder for your door, ensure you close curtains or blinds, and simply keep doors shut to trap the heat in each room.

Something as simple as bleeding your radiators can rid them of trapped air, making them more efficient and warmer – you can find guides and tutorials online – or wear more layers and have some cosy blankets to hand to keep you toasty. It’s not rocket science, but it can stop your energy usage from sky-rocketing.

Fo o d fo r t h o u g h t

Everyone likes to have a wellstocked fridge for the festivities, but it’s important to think before you buy, rather than being drawn in by the seasonal specials and end-of-aisle ‘bargain’ buys.

Make proper lists before you go shopping to consider what you actually need – and when you need it. Check use-by dates regularly to plan meals and avoid having to clear out your fridge with a load of unopened, but inedible, items. You can also look up leftover recipes to ensure you’re making the most of every dish – you might even find a new family favourite.

try this at home

We all deserve the chance to celebrate with loved ones, but getting into the seasonal spirit doesn’t need to be wasteful Fe el i n g fe s t i ve

After the past 18 months, we all deserve the chance to celebrate with loved ones, but getting into the seasonal spirit doesn’t need to be wasteful. Gifts can look fantastic with some classic brown paper or recyclable wrapping, and you can add a special something by foraging for natural decorations such as sprigs or leaves to provide a personal touch. You can also make items stand out from the crowd simply by using leftover newspapers, or old sheet music, and add special touches with origami bows from old magazines. You can find lots of inspiration and tutorials online!

W h a t yo u a c t u a l ly n e e d

Much like properly planning meals in order to reduce food waste, considering your gifting in advance rather than spontaneously buying can ensure you don’t overspend, or buy items you later regret. Discuss and set a budget with family, or you could do a secret Santa so everyone gets a present – something they really want – but you only need to buy one thing per person. You don’t

have to stick with traditions – make your own rules!

Having fun with your loved ones, and showing them what they mean to you, doesn’t have to break the bank. It really is the thought that counts, so spending a little more time planning this season will save you a lot in the long run, and mean you actually have a lot more energy to give the ones who matter most to you. happiful.com | December 2021 | 23

I thought not fitting in was something I had to f ix. Now I see it as my superpower MAXIME LAGACÉ

Photography | Agafonova Photo

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wellbeing

Are you suffering from

crisis fatigue?

Could crisis fatigue be causing feelings of exhaustion?

Here we explore symptoms and practical tools to help Writing | Dr Audrey Tang

U

nfortunately, as much as we may want to believe we are invincible, we all have a level of stress up to which we can tolerate. Beyond this, the mind may just about be willing, but the body is not.

Think of it like an elastic band: continue to stretch it and at some point, it may snap or go flaccid and cease to function – this is known as ‘exhaustion’.

Crisis fatigue may be defined as a feeling of exhaustion or a burnout response to prolonged exposure to adversity.

It is clear that the past 18 months have been anything but easy for all of us, with challenge after challenge, and countless personal and emotional tests – so you may well have felt yourself stretched to breaking point, much like that elastic band.

From coping with our lives and routines being uprooted by the

pandemic, to financial stress, and working harder than ever in both our professional and personal lives to bridge that gap of the physical divide. Could you be suffering from symptoms of exhaustion/burnout due to ‘crisis fatigue’? Try the following self-reflection audit to really consider how you’ve been feeling and coping.

Psychological reflections: In the past month, have you... ☐ Felt (or reacted) more irritable than usual? ☐ Been very tired – or noticed you aren’t sleeping as well as before? ☐ Been more tearful than usual (which cannot be explained by anything else) ☐ Experienced an inability to focus, or ‘zoned out’ more?

Social reflections: In the past month, have you... ☐ Found it difficult to express why you’re struggling to anyone? ☐ Noticed a change in eating habits – eating or drinking more or less than usual (and if eating more, often high calorie items)? ☐ Refused invitations, or alternatively going to all of them and perhaps overindulging in a noticeable manner (that differs from your usual behaviour)?

Behavioural reflections: In the past month, have you... ☐ Stopped caring about your appearance (including not doing things like showering)? ☐ Noticed any changes in posture, such as slumping more than usual, or do you feel like you are avoiding being seen? >>> happiful.com | December 2021 | 25

Biological reflections: In the past month, have you... ☐F elt ‘under the weather’ more often than usual? ☐H ad any other signs indicative of potential physical health issues?

If you have noticed any of these signs to the point where it is interfering with your day-to-day life, or recognised them in loved ones, stop and ask: “Are you/am I really OK?” While all of these signs can be indicators of other issues, they are also commonly related to stress, often because one of the first things to be affected is our sleep pattern.

This, in turn, may have further repercussions on concentration, interactions, and your ability to perform to the standards you would want.

It’s always best to seek help before the point of crisis, or prior to it being taken out of your hands because you’re no longer able to cope. Once you seek help, there will be other techniques given to you by professionals, but here are a few practical tools that can be used to complement this support – and may even help create a slight buffer to the stressors being experienced.

1. Recognise feelings of stress before you reach burnout

A nice exercise to get into the habit of this is the “body scan” – this can be done before you settle 26 | December 2021 | happiful.com

wellbeing

down to sleep, or before you wake up. It involves relaxing each part of your body from your head to your toes, and reflecting on how it feels – recognising if there is any tension. Some people also do this by tensing and relaxing their muscles, as this can help you recognise the difference between the two.

If y o u a re f e e l i n g d e p re s s e d o r a n x i o u s , t r y t o av o i d u s i n g s m i l i n g o r d i s m i s s iv e b eh av i o u r t o co p e (e . g . “ I’ m f i n e ” ) ; it is important to a ck n o w l e d ge y o u r f e el i n gs Another exercise is to take yourself though different emotional scenarios (e.g. anger, happiness, sadness, surprise, fear, feeling loved), to see if you can recognise where you experience those emotions physically – but always try to end on a more positive one. This might, in turn, help you on a day-to-day basis if something “feels off” – you might be able to work out what the emotion is, and identify the root.

If you are feeling depressed or anxious, try to avoid using smiling or dismissive behaviour to cope

(e.g. “I’m fine”); it is important to acknowledge your feelings and accept that you are not “strange”, or “a burden”, or “just being silly”. Stress, depression, and anxiety are very real and, even if you are not at the point of diagnosis, it’s important to view the negative emotions you are experiencing as a warning (like a petrol light) that something needs to be done.

2. Remember that your physical health can affect your mental wellbeing

Nutrition, sleep, and exercise are all important – getting the blood pumping can help clear your mind while overindulgence can result in feelings of guilt.

But undereating and a lack of sleep can also result in a lack of ability to focus. Simply getting outside can help you get more vitamin D, which can increase feelings of happiness and counter things such as seasonal affective disorder (SAD – often exacerbating feelings of loneliness in the winter months) and, of course, fresh air is also good for us.

3. Build a ‘positivity reservoir’

Try keeping photos of moments you love in a screenshot album to remind you that you’ve made a difference. Check-in regularly with good friends (whether by phone or a funny text) to build a sense of connection and laugh – a lot! Positive affirmations can be powerful

as can practising gratitude first thing in the morning, and last thing at night.

4. Remember: doing nothing is recharging

So, don’t cause yourself extra worries by thinking, “I must do something…” If we are exhausted, we simply need to stop – and the only way we can do that effectively is by switching off, and not spending the energy we are saving on feeling guilty.

– Resist the temptation to do any DIY. – Resist the temptation to start any new projects.

– Resist the temptation to do favours for others, just to ‘be busy’.

What can help with this is taking a mini-break from social media… because then, who do you need to prove anything to?

Finally, remember to seek support from a professional if you need it. Burying these feelings can cause harm in the long-run, and increase our sense of isolation. Talking to a professional can help you uncover your stressors, develop coping strategies, and ultimately help bring you out of crisis fatigue.

Dr Audrey Tang is a chartered psychologist, mental health and wellness expert, and author of ‘The Leader’s Guide to Resilience’ (Pearson, £14.99). happiful.com | December 2021 | 27

The pecking order How to put on a festive bird buffet this winter Writing | Charlotte Ambrose

T

here’s nothing quite like winter for comfort food: Sunday roasts, warm apple pie, a mug of hot chocolate by the fire. And that’s just for the humans – did you know, you can help spread the festive gastronomic joy with your local birds, too?

Any additional food you can give birds will be particularly appreciated during these colder months, with most of their normal food sources such as worms, seeds, and berries becoming very difficult to find – and they also need additional calories just to stay warm. This doesn’t mean you have to rush out to the shops, however. Birds love eating many of the same foods we do, so you can pop your leftovers out on the bird table as a festive treat.

If this is your first time putting food out for the birds, it might take some time for them to find you, but don’t give up – just keep putting out fresh leftovers every few days so it doesn’t get mouldy, and the birds will come to you. You might be surprised at what turns up! Robins, blackbirds, starlings, and

28 | December 2021 | happiful.com

collared doves are all common garden birds, but you may even have a winter migrant bird, such as a redwing, sampling your offerings.

Here are some ideas for leftover treats you can feed the birds: • Cheese – mild grated cheese is a classic hit with robins, dunnocks, blackbirds, and song thrushes.

• Unsalted bacon rind – chopping it up means a lot of birds will be able to have a nibble, and magpies and crows are liable to fly off with the whole lump if not wellanchored! But make sure there’s no salt in it, as salt is toxic to birds.

• Ripe or bruised apples and pears – thrushes, tits, and starlings are big fans.

• Pastry – uncooked or cooked, either is good as long as it’s made with real fats.

• Dried fruit – raisins, sultanas, and currants are favourites with blackbirds, song thrushes and robins (they can be dangerous to dogs and cats though, so this is one to avoid if you have pets in the area).

Not everything we eat is good for birds, however. Here are some foods to avoid: • Anything with salt – salt is toxic to birds, so make sure to keep it off your bird table and don’t put salt in your birdbath to keep it ice-free.

• Cooking fat – leftover fat from your Sunday roast could smear onto birds’ feathers and ruin their waterproofing and insulating qualities.

• Cooked porridge oats – they are glutinous, and can harden around a bird’s beak.

• Milk – birds can’t digest milk so it can make them seriously ill.

• Dried coconut – it can swell up in their stomach and make them sick.

Another great option, if you don’t have leftovers, is packaged bird food. Sparrows, tits, and finches, for example, will all visit feeders containing nuts, fat, or seed mixtures. The insect-eaters, such as dunnocks, robins, and starlings prefer mealworms, while suet-based products are an all-round crowdpleaser with their high-calorie content.

positive pointers

Photography | Ben Andrew (CiT Images) | rspb-images.com

Birds love eating many of the same foods we do And now, for the drinks order.

Water is key for birds, both to drink and to clean their feathers, but a lot of ponds and rivers freeze over in winter. You can help by putting out a birdbath – you can buy one from the RSPB store, or make one at home. Even a dustbin lid with some stones at the bottom for grip will do the job!

But if you’ve done all that, and are looking for more ways to help, there are lots of options that can suit your outdoor space, whether it’s a garden, balcony, or doorstep: • Put up a nestbox – buying or making a nestbox will give birds somewhere to shelter over the winter, as well as a place to raise their chicks in the spring.

• Add plant life – lots of gorgeous shrubs, trees, and flowers provide food for birds, either through their berries, seeds, or by attracting tasty insects.

• Count your birds – every year for the past four decades, the RSPB has asked people to let us know what birds they see over the course of an hour. This helps us to keep track of how garden birds are doing, and last year a record-breaking one million people took part!

Text BIRD to 70030 or visit rspb.org.uk/birdwatch from 8 December to sign up.

Charlotte Ambrose is the RSPB Wildlife Enquiries Manager.

For more ideas, inspiration, and advice, head to rspb.org.uk/yourdoorstep happiful.com | December 2021 | 29

The winds of change How can we tell when it’s time to let go of what’s holding us back, and take a step in a new direction?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

W

hen we were young, and were asked to imagine where our lives would go, it’s likely that a lot of us had a similar plan plotted out: a classic tick-box route, one that’s been drilled into us our whole lives.

There’s no denying that a degree of stability and predictability can be helpful, even desirable – but the reality is, many of us deviate from a ‘perfect’ timeline, due to circumstances, necessity, ambition, the pursuit of something more, or simply because it’s not who we are.

It could be a career change, relationship breakdown, a journey of self-discovery, a growing passion, or a new life – and we can switch courses at any time, letting go of the baggage

30 | December 2021 | happiful.com

Illustration | Rosan Magar

of the past, our neat timeline veering off with new ventures and essential changes of plan.

As we come to the end of another confusing and challenging year, we arrive at the natural point of reflection that comes each December. But this year, perhaps more than ever before, many of us will be taking the lessons learned from recent events and considering our next steps. In one example of this collective experience, in a report from the job site Adzuna, it was estimated that a quarter of UK workers were considering a career change in 2021 – and, with that, the lifestyle, relationships, and self-purpose upheaval that can come with it.

Here, with the help of a life coach and two people who have

embarked on brave and lifealtering journeys themselves, we explore what happens when you let go of the past, and let the winds of change take you where you need to go.

When is it time to let go of the old?

“You may find it’s time to make some changes in your life when you’re feeling lost, directionless, and misaligned with who you are. It can manifest as an uncomfortable feeling, or when you realise you’ve deviated from your goals,” life coach Angele Tilly explains, when asked what the signs are that it’s time to make a change in your life.

“A few signs to look out for are: being moody all the time, the same problems coming up again >>>

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happiful.com | December 2021 | 31

and again, ruminating, regrets coming up, and feeling like you are not progressing in your life.”

It might be alarm bells going off in your mind, telling you that you need to get out, and to do it now.

Or it could be a niggling feeling, something that’s telling you that the place you’re in right now isn’t quite right for you, and that you could be happier.

That was the case for Felicity Pryke, when she decided she wanted to ask for more.

“I was living a seemingly wonderful life, full of music, travel, and fine food. To the outside world, I was happy but inside I felt empty. I chose not to have children – not a decision I regret, but it left me wondering exactly what I had contributed to the world. Nothing in my life had any permanence, I felt I had no legacy to leave.”

Feeling disconnected with a sense of purpose, whatever that may be for each individual, can leave us feeling untethered.

So, Felicity made a choice. She left her marriage, and old life, behind.

“I spent the next few years picking up the pieces, working out which ones to keep and which pieces to discard, and putting them back together in a new order. The truth was that I had simply outgrown the life I had been living. I studied the science 32 | December 2021 | happiful.com

of happiness, and realised that happiness was not just to be found in hedonic pleasures, but also from having meaning and purpose in life.”

It’s like that tiny stone in your shoe; you forget it’s there, but every now and then it makes itself known and irritates you Five years later, Felicity is a yoga and happiness teacher – running her business Finding Felicity – where she works to pass on the things that she learned herself.

“It’s like that tiny stone in your shoe; you forget it’s there, but every now and then it makes itself known and irritates you.

Then it disappears and you forget to shake it out. I know that so many people have that little niggle that something isn’t quite right. And I truly believe that you shouldn’t need to set fire to your life to find that niggle.

“I had to cause a lot of hurt and destruction to people that I loved to scratch my itch. I refuse to believe that there isn’t a better way, and that has become my life’s mission: to guide people to build a life they don’t need

to escape from, and become healthy, happy, and well beings.”

What’s stopping you?

Of course, there are so many obstacles that we face before we’re can let go of the life we used to live, and to bring in changes. It might be financial, social, or a sense of duty and responsibility. What Angele sees often, though, is something else.

“When the time has come to change direction, fear will be the first obstacle to show up.

And it is a very normal human reaction,” she says. “Your brain is built to keep you safe, so you will be questioning if a change is needed, and if going for new and unknown is better than old and familiar. Once your decision has been made, you will probably challenge it again, wondering ‘What if it doesn’t work out?’

As Angele explains, you can overcome this fear by having faith in yourself and the decisions that you made. “If you took the decision to change, it means it was time for you to change. Whether it’s going to be a smooth process is irrelevant here.”

In search of something new But, sometimes, the moment that inspires you to make a change isn’t when you realised something is wrong, but instead when you

Siggy Loves Sausages cover artist | Vivien Sárkány

stumble across a new kind of happiness that you want to pocket and cultivate in your life.

Brian Frederick started his professional career as a lawyer, finding himself pigeonholed into litigation. “You have to be a particular sort of person, basically someone who enjoys a heated argument, to be a litigation lawyer. That’s not me,” he says.

In 2014, he got into mediation, discovering that he was a natural peacemaker. But then lockdown struck.

“We were all locked in, and some kids – aged about six or seven – in our neighbourhood thought we (the adults) must be sad. They began to ring our doorbell, and run away. But when you went to the door, instead of getting annoyed at being disturbed, I noticed they’d left a little bouquet of flowers, tied with a sprig of coarse grass.

They were trying to cheer us up!

“I sensed that they were hiding, so I started to speak to the empty air and have a conversation as they hid, and then gradually they came out and we decided that they still ‘couldn’t be seen’, and we continued this game. I christened them the ‘flower fairies’ which they loved, and this carried on for a few months during that summer.

But this heartwarming encounter did more than just cheer Brian up during a tumultuous time, it became that moment, a push to try something new.

Siggy Loves Sausages by Brian Frederick

“As I went for walks in the nature reserve, a story about the ‘flower fairies’ formed, and I began to write it in the autumn.”

Brian had written before, mostly academic and marketing copy – though he did nearly have a thriller published when he was younger – but he had never considered writing a children’s book, and it was now that he threw himself into a creative venture, starting with Siggy Loves Sausages.

“The books are hoping to reflect the kindness and joy that the little girls brought to my door.

For myself, this journey has been about finding the joy in my own life, and now doing something that brings me happiness. I think

– just like when we give presents at Christmas – that there is great joy and happiness to be had in one’s life by giving to others.”

The art of letting go The change that you may want to enact in your own life might not be as big as that of Brian and Felicity’s, it might be as simple as letting go of guilt and indulging in a hobby that used to bring you joy. But, no matter what the size of the action, the ability to set yourself free of whatever it was that was holding you back, and to move forward with confidence, is something that takes bravery, determination, along with a dash of hope.

So, ask yourself, if you listened to that niggling feeling at the back of your mind, what would it tell you, and where you go next?

Angele Tilly is a life coach and meditation teacher, specialising in body image issues.

Need a helping hand on your journey to letting go of the things holding you back? Connect with a life coach using lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | December 2021 | 33

Five homemade gifts to show someone you care Homemade gifts aren’t just an act of love; crafting them can help reduce anxiety and combat stress – all while bringing people together.

Discover five simple, festive gifts you can make for the holidays Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

1. Ceramic tile coasters

Turn memories into gifts with photo coasters. Functional and thoughtful, they are surprisingly simple to make. Just pick up a pack of plain white ceramic tiles from your local craft store or online, print your favourite photos, and pick up a pot of matte ‘Mod Podge’ (or any brand of all-in-one water-based sealer, glue, and finish). Trim your photos to fit the tiles, and use the glue and sealer to stick them down and coat the top, locking everything in place and making it waterproof.

Three to four layers works best, and keep in mind that it takes around an hour for each layer to dry, and a further 24 hours for everything to set once you’ve finished.

2. Pressed wildflowers

Flower pressing allows you to use nature as your canvas, and this crafty pastime offers more than just a beautiful picture.

Flowers and plants can decrease feelings of depression and anxiety, while boosting our energy levels and outlook on life. All you need are: seasonal wildflowers, leaves, or foliage; scissors; watercolour paper or toilet paper; and a stack of heavy books.

Start by cutting the stem at an angle, and removing the lower leaves. Place the flower in a vase to fully hydrate for a few hours, before laying flat with paper above and below it. Position it between the pages of a book, and stack several on top. Taking a minimum of two weeks to fully dry out, you can use your pressed flowers in any number of ways – from creating crafty bookmarks to displaying them in photo frames.

34 | December 2021 | happiful.com

try this at home

3. Salt dough ornaments

A holiday classic, salt dough is simple, cheap, and can provide a fun shared activity for friends and family. To create decorations or ornaments, all you need are four cups of all-purpose flour, one cup of salt, and one-and-a-half cups of warm water. Knead this mixture into a firm, smooth dough, then unleash your creativity.

Cookie cutters can be a good way to create simple shapes you can personalise. Plus, you could use a straw to poke a hole through them to turn your creations into hanging decorations. Once complete, bake at 150C for an hour or until dry, then cool. You can finish using water-based varnish or acrylic paints, or leave as is for a more rustic vibe.

4. Festive scented candles

Certain smells help us feel more festive, and have positive effects on our energy and mood. Try personalising a homemade soy candle with pine, peppermint, cinnamon, or your favourite scent.

First, pick a container. Mason jars can make a rustic yet stylish choice, or you could give an old teacup and saucer a new lease of life. You’ll also need soy candle wax chips, candle wicks, glue or putty, and your preferred essential oils.

Fix your wick in place using putty or glue it at the base of your container. Wrap the top around a pencil to keep the wick straight, and rest this over the mouth of your container. Melt the wax chips, following the directions on your package. Once melted, transfer to a heat-proof container with a spout, add 15–20 drops of essential oil, then pour into your chosen jar or cup. It’s important to allow your candle to fully cool, so leave overnight if possible before trimming the wick. For more decorative options, try experimenting with liquid dye to create candy cane stripes.

5. Homemade treats

Who doesn’t love getting a tasty treat? Baking cookies, making homemade fudge, or even creating hot chocolate stirrers are all classic homemade holiday gifts. But why not try something a little different? Chocolate buttons can be customised with your favourite flavours, are simple yet stylish, and can even provide health benefits (if you choose to go with dark chocolate).

You’ll need 200g of dark chocolate, dried fruit for decorating (we recommend dried cranberries, orange peel, or raisins). Melt the chocolate in 30-second intervals, stirring until smooth. Using a teaspoon, evenly space small spoonfuls of chocolate on a lined baking sheet. Carefully put a few pieces of dried fruit into each button, before placing the baking tray into the fridge for at least 15 minutes. Once set, store in an air-tight container. happiful.com | December 2021 | 35

In the process of letting go you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself DEEPAK CHOPRA Photography | Rodnae Productions

36 | December 2021 | happiful.com

That’s a s t r e t c h Good wellbeing is within reach Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

I

t’s safe to say that things have been a little bit tense this past year. And our bodies have been feeling it. Back pain, neck pain, feeling tight, heavy, or just plain sluggish – whether it’s switching up ergonomic workspaces for the kitchen table, or not getting out and about as much, a lot of us are feeling the strain.

If you’re experiencing pain that is impacting your daily life, it’s a good idea to speak to a GP. But for more minor complaints, something as simple as a targeted stretch could make a whole lot of difference.

“Increased flexibility, greater range of motion, and easing of pain and tension,” says Rachele Gilman, director of stretch

inc. – an organisation that offers one-on-one assisted stretching – when asked what the benefits of stretching are. But, as she points out, it’s not just good for our physical health.

“Stretching eases tension and, in certain cases, promotes relaxation. It also increases blood flow and oxygenation,” she explains. “All of these things help us feel better, and when we feel better, we live better. Essentially, unless there is an injury or disorder like hypermobility, most people benefit from even one-off stretching, but see and feel massive improvements from consistent stretching.”

Of course, the key thing there is ‘consistent’ – Rachele recommends 10 minutes a day at

home, and once a week or every two weeks for assisted stretching – and that’s where we can often fall short when trying to take up a new practice.

“Probably the easiest way to motivate yourself is to set a goal,” Rachele says. “Try not to set something like the splits in the beginning – maybe work on touching your toes with a flat back, or getting your leg to 90⁰ in a hamstring stretch. Or learn what muscles you’re working during your favourite activity, and focus on stretches that complement that.

“Props are also a good way to motivate. Using blocks or a strap can assist your stretching and take you a bit further in your efforts. >>> happiful.com | December 2021 | 37

Props to you While you can buy specialist equipment to aid your stretching routine, you can also make the most of things you already own. For example, if you don’t have a mat, you could try layering some blankets on the floor. For a block, cushions work just fine and can be stacked to the right height. And if you’re interested in working with a strap, give a pair of tights a go.

38 | December 2021 | happiful.com

Finally, try some assisted stretching with a partner.”

Like any kind of habit-building exercise, it may take you a little while to get into a natural swing of things, but ‘little and often’ is a good mantra to have in mind, and make sure that you move within your comfort zone to begin with.

Ultimately, the goal of a regular stretching routine is to feel better in your body, to address specific areas of concern, but also to take

some time to yourself to tune-in to the sensations of your body – so often, we go through life oblivious to the things our body is telling us.

And while options such as stretch inc. exist to take your stretching experience to the next level, anyone can pick up this wellbeing habit, at any time. Here, Rachele shares five stretches to target different areas of your body, and to help you let go of tension...

You can join Rachele and stretch inc. online on Mondays and Fridays for a 45-minute stretch class, or join a free 10-minute Instagram live on Saturdays.

ASSISTED CALF STRETCH Calves can be difficult to stretch, so getting a little help can provide a lot of relief. The person being stretched should lie on their back with both legs extended.

Remember to keep breathing and relax. The person assisting should kneel near the feet and lift one leg slightly. Support the heel in one hand, and place the other around the foot, fingers on the top and thumb at the sole.

Gently pull the heel down and towards you, while pushing the toes into a flex position. Hold for 15 seconds, relax, and repeat.

Stretch both sides.

ASSISTED CHEST OPENING STRETCH The person being stretched should sit on the floor, or in a chair, and interlace their fingers behind their head – with elbows wide. The person stretching should kneel or stand behind them. If kneeling or sitting on a chair with no back support, the person stretching should gently place the side body or legs against the seated person’s back, for support. Place your hand and

forearms on the seated person’s arms, and gently pull back. This will stretch the shoulders, the upper back and the chest.

SUPINE TWIST Extend your arms in a ‘T’ shape, or into cactus arms. I find that I get a better stretch through the chest with cactus arms, and it takes up less space, but do what works for you. Bring the sole of your right foot to the floor – in line with your left knee – hook your toes, and then bring the bent leg towards the left. Use your left hand to gently guide the knee closer to the floor while keeping both shoulders firmly planted, and your head turned towards the right. Hold for about 45 seconds. Remember to breathe and take the stretch a little deeper if you can.

QUAD STRETCH Stand tall with feet slightly closer than hip-width distance. Drop your left hand to your side, lift your left foot back, and hold your ankle in your hand. The quad stretch will have varying intensity for everyone. The goal

is to work on pushing the engaged quad back to deepen the stretch, while keeping the hips facing forward and bringing the knees into alignment. Work on engaging the core. Pull the tail bone down to help engage the pelvis and prevent unnecessary arching in the back. If you lose your balance, don’t worry.

Just try again. When quads are tight, it can contribute to low back pain and knee pain and both of those can impact mobility. Hold for 45 seconds.

HAMSTRING STRETCH WITH STRAP Start on your back. Bring your right knee to your chest, wrap the towel, belt, or strap around the centre of your foot. Extend your leg up, keeping it straight, and simultaneously keep your other leg down and straight or grounded.

Use the strap to increase the stretch by pulling the leg closer to your face. Hold for 45 seconds.

Rachele Gilman is the director of stretch inc., specialists in assisted stretching. Find out more at stretchinc.uk and on Instagram @stretchinc_uk happiful.com | December 2021 | 39

What is Raynaud’s?

An extreme sensitivity to the cold, and sometimes triggered by stress, this phenomenon is believed to affect 10 million people in the UK Writing | Rebecca Thair

N

o doubt we’ve all felt the familiar sting of the cold as winter draws in, the icy air prompting us to huddle up, rubbing our hands together to generate a little extra heat. It’s normal for our extremities to be sensitive to the cold, but for some this reaction can be much more extreme, as their fingers change colour when their circulation is impacted.

But it’s not just a change in temperature that can affect them, as this response can be triggered by emotional stress as well.

If this sounds familiar, don’t worry, you’re not alone; this phenomenon is thought to affect around one in 20 people.

Often referred to as Raynaud’s syndrome, Raynaud’s disease, or just Raynaud’s, the condition causes small blood vessels to become narrower, affecting the blood supply to certain parts of the body (usually the fingers and toes, but it can also affect the nose and ears).

There are many symptoms of the condition and, depending on the severity of those symptoms, it can greatly affect daily life – particularly in the winter months.

40 | December 2021 | happiful.com

These can include pins and needles or tingling sensations, pain and numbness, and difficulty in moving the affected areas of the body. Another key indicator can be a change to the colour of the skin as the blood flow is restricted, ranging from a lighter skin tone, to white, and even blue, before going red as the blood returns – known as a ‘Raynaud’s attack’.

Happiful’s Becky has firsthand experience of living with Raynaud’s. “I noticed that problems with my circulation worsened as I reached my later teenage years and early 20s. At first, numbness in my fingertips would be triggered by exposure to the cold, so I found that I would have to make an extra effort to wrap up warm in cold weather,” she shares. “But, it did get worse – and I would find that this feeling would seemingly be triggered of its own accord, sometimes even when I was indoors and felt warm. I’m led to believe that this may have been down to stress – but knowing this didn’t help me to feel any less stressed. It wouldn’t stop at my fingertips either, but pretty much my whole hand

would turn white, feeling dead and useless for anything from five minutes, up to an hour.”

As Becky notes, these symptoms can not only be scary, and sometimes painful, but frustrating too as they impact her day-to-day life and routines.

“It can be infuriating at times.

It can often mean that I have little-to-no use of my fingers – which can make simple tasks like texting, or even driving, a lot more difficult.”

So, what should you do if you suspect you might have Raynaud’s? Well, first things first, it’s always best to speak to a doctor. This ensures that they can perform the proper tests to confirm the diagnosis, and check there’s nothing else to be aware of based on your symptoms. For more severe cases, they may prescribe medication to help improve your circulation as well.

There are things you can do at home to help reduce the impact of symptoms, particularly for those who might have more mild Raynaud’s. Naturally, a key step is to keep yourself warm – but also regularly doing activities to promote circulation can help, too.

food & health

• Ensure you wear warm clothing, particularly on your hands and feet where we lose a lot of our heat.

• Keep your home or surroundings at a good temperature – for simple tips on insulating your home see our article on p22.

• Try to exercise regularly, which helps to encourage blood flow around your body.

• Explore activities to help you relax, such as meditation, yoga, or breathing exercises.

• Eat a healthy, balanced diet, including foods to boost circulation such as oily fish and walnuts for omega 3, and spices like ginger, garlic, and chilli.

At first, numbness in my fingertips would be triggered by exposure to the cold, but, it did get worse – and I would find that this feeling would seemingly be triggered of its own accord

There are also a few things you might want to avoid, which can improve symptoms too. Smoking can reduce your circulation, so it’s best to avoid (for myriad other health reasons as well), and try not to have too much caffeine.

“At the moment, I am content that I know how to deal with these symptoms – my main priority is to generally avoid cold environments, and to carry a scarf with me wherever I go,” Becky says. “I also make sure I exercise regularly – in a bid to improve my circulation. For now, I am now comforted by the old saying, ‘cold hands, warm heart’.”

For more information and advice, visit Scleroderma & Raynaud’s UK (sruk.co.uk) – the UK’s leading charity for people affected by the condition. happiful.com | December 2021 | 41

Piglet noticed that even though he had a very small heart, it could hold a rather large amount of gratitude AA MILNE Photography | Polina Tankilevitch

true story

Cooking is part of my therapy From a fit, healthy, and confident husband and dad to being unable to walk or function, chronic pain and mental ill-health very nearly overwhelmed Ian. But, thanks to the incredible support of his family and a reignited passion for cooking, he’s found the recipe for resilience Writing | Ian Taverner

I

had never heard of fibromyalgia, nor thought that anxiety and depression would ever take hold of me, but that is exactly what has happened.

In the early 2000s, I was very active, playing sports, and travelling a lot overseas with my work. I couldn’t see it at the time, but it was obvious that things had started to decline. I was always tired, and feeling unwell far too much of the time, month after month. After investigations by medical professionals, I was diagnosed with coeliac disease. The symptoms seemed to make sense, so I started to make the necessary changes to my diet.

For a while it did seem that things were getting better, until around 2012 or 2013 when this horrendous pain started underneath my rib cage. Initially the pain stayed relatively isolated, but then it spread all over my body, which was physically debilitating. The widespread chronic pain started to affect my mental health too, as I didn’t know what was wrong or why.

I was having panic and anxiety attacks out of the blue at work, often in the most difficult of circumstances.

It took years to be finally diagnosed with fibromyalgia, anxiety, and depression. Although it was a relief to get a diagnosis, I was still

being passed around for individually focused ‘treatment’ – from injections to scans, steroids, nerve blocks, alongside bowel and stomach medications galore, CBT, and acupuncture.

Sadly, nothing was working, and I was slowly spiralling until I eventually broke. I had to give up the work I had done for the previous 25 years, and was really frightened as it seemed that there was no way out.

My incredible wife and family were doing absolutely everything to keep some sense of normality with two young daughters.

I was, though, totally unreliable, missing Christmases, birthdays, and school events. The continuous flare-ups and widespread pain was unbearable, and both mentally and physically exhausting.

Fibromyalgia is more common in women, and there are many different variants, but the impact on physical and mental health is significant both for the person suffering and for their family and friends. It is an invisible illness that needs a lot more awareness and recognition.

In 2018, I was referred to the NHS Centre for Pain Services in Bath. I had never heard of them, and was deeply sceptical that they could help. However, this was and is the single most important point in mine and my family’s story. >>>

happiful.com | December 2021 | 43

After a detailed assessment, in April 2019 I started on a four-week residential programme.

Here they took a broken man, actually undid me some more, before piece by piece helping me to understand and accept what was going on in my body and my mind. This was a eureka moment! No, not a magical cure, but a toolkit to help me better manage my chronic pain and mental health. I started to look up and forwards with genuine hope for the first time in 10 years.

So, where to start? I always had a passion for cooking from watching my late mum create amazing food over the years. My fires were low but not quite out, and I wanted to try again.

Initially, it didn’t go well. I couldn’t freestyle so I needed recipe books, but while I was suffering with pain, fatigue, and anxiety, they seemed to be putting blockages in my way, making me feel I couldn’t do it, or it would be a disaster.

Too many words, too many glossy pictures of amazing dishes, too many complications, too many ways to fail.

My family encouraged me to unpick what wasn’t working, and see if I could redo things in a way that would, so it would still work despite my brain fog, fatigue, pain, and anxiety.

44 | December 2021 | happiful.com

They took a broken man, actually undid me some more, before piece by piece helping me to understand and accept what was going on in my body and my mind I got very frustrated, I have to admit, and there were ups and a lot of downs, but eventually I hit on a formula that worked. I thought I can’t be alone here – other people must be feeling the same. Maybe I could write a cookbook to help people want to cook and get as much joy and pride in it as I did?

I had loads of recipes built up over the years, so set about adapting them to my new formulae.

My wife encouraged me to self-publish, and Cookfulness was born! I focused on taking out those barriers caused by chronic pain and mental health conditions and, instead, using as many positive stepping stones as I needed myself. This isn’t all about food, and starts with visualising my family around the dinner table, eating my food, all laughing and joking and, most importantly, I am there with them!

This positive imagery is so important for me in whatever I am doing.

true story

You can follow my Cookfulness journey on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook @Cookfulness ‘Cookfulness’ is available on all major platforms in e-book and paperback, with part of the proceeds being donated to the NHS Centre for Pain Services in Bath.

An important principle is: no matter what you produce, it’s right. You can adapt ingredients and utensils to suit your abilities each day, using the freezer, pre-chopped, or pastes to help. Plus, I set everything out up front for each recipe, including all of the tools and utensils you will need, so there are no surprises.

Another consideration I had was that standard ‘prep time’ and ‘cooking times’ are great, but only when you’re having a good day. I created the extra ‘give yourself time’ to allow you the chance to take a step back on days when your energy reserves are running low. It all helps with planning, particularly for those with chronic illnesses.

I am now dedicating my energy to helping as many people as I can get that little spark, that first feeling of self-worth and belief My passion for cooking was reignited! I set out saying that if I could help one person to have a better quality of life, then I’d have succeeded.

I am now dedicating my energy to helping as

many people as I can to get that little spark, that first feeling of self-worth and belief that they really can try things. The effect on your mental health is massive, which, in turn, impacts physical health, too. Good thoughts feed good thoughts, and start to clear a bit of a path through all the negativity.

Throughout the past 15 years or so I have learned an awful lot, including how powerful the mind is. Feeding it bit by bit with some hope, pride, and joy can never be underestimated.

I have learned to manage my daily life more positively despite the ongoing chronic pain and unpredictable flare-ups, celebrating the small things and enjoying family life. I’ve learned that I am capable of a lot more than I ever thought, from talking on the radio, to doing live cooking demos at virtual festivals – so never close yourself off to trying something new.

I have learned that you actually are never, ever alone. I have found a whole new community of incredible people who are suffering, and are just trying to get a slice of life.

Finally, I have learned that, in life, it’s not about the final outcome, the final dish, it is about how you get there, what went wrong, what made you laugh, and what made you cry. Break it down to every little step, celebrating each and every one, mistakes and all. It is so powerful!

happiful.com | December 2021 | 45

Ask the experts Massage therapist Lucy Day answers your questions on massage for stress Read more about Lucy Day on therapy-directory.org.uk

Q

Q

A

A

How does stress manifest physically?

Life can be busy, so it’s natural to feel stressed at times. However, long-term stress can trigger mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, sleeplessness, and concentration impairment. Stress is also detrimental to physical health.

The immune system responds to stress by releasing stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, which can cause physical issues including increased blood pressure, an elevated heart rate, muscular tension, headaches, migraines, reduced mobility, and bowel irritation.

Stress can manifest itself in behavioural changes, too, making us feel overwhelmed and irritable, which can cause us to find it difficult to focus or make affirmative decisions.

The good news is that massage therapy can help.

Are there self-massage techniques I can use to ease stress?

Self-care, including selfmassage, can be highly effective in fighting the stresses that naturally build up in our daily lives. For example, a technique I recommend for combating upper body muscular tension includes gently stroking the neck and shoulders, working from both

Q

How can massage support us when we’re feeling stressed?

A

One of the best ways to combat and reduce stress is by engaging in activities that make us feel more relaxed.

Massage therapy is a proven method to help reduce stress and its negative impact on the mind

shoulders up towards the base of the skull.

Add some shoulder shrugs and rotations to help break up the tension that often builds due to postural strain. In addition, if you feel a tension headache beginning to form, you can apply gentle circular massage movements to the forehead, temples, cheekbones, and jawline to ease muscular tightness. Self-therapeutic hair pulling can also help ease tension in the scalp, which can become tight with stress.

and the body. Clients often feel benefits such as deep relaxation, rejuvenation, as well as an enhanced focus.

Massage therapy helps to rebalance the mind and body, leading to improved wellbeing, sleep and calmness, along with reduced blood pressure and muscular tension. To maintain these positive effects, a longterm massage plan with a qualified massage therapist can benefit clients with chronic stress.

Therapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

wellbeing

LUCY’S TOP TIPS FOR EASING STRESS WITH MASSAGE: 1. I would always recommend working with your massage therapist to devise a bespoke massage treatment plan. If you are dealing with longterm stress, then filling your life with ‘positive anticipation’ and enjoyable experiences such as massage can increase happiness, contentment, and excitement.

2. Open communication between client and therapist will build trust, and help the therapist tailor the treatment. Always share precisely how you are feeling with your therapist so they can support you, and adapt the massage accordingly.

3. For overall health and wellbeing, I would recommend embracing a multifaceted approach to stress management. Alongside regular massage treatments, incorporating exercise into your life has been shown to improve your frame of mind, encourage sleep, and decrease feelings of stress and anxiety, as well as as having many physical benefits.

To help nourish your mind and body, take a balanced and mindful approach to what you eat, and hydrate regularly.

happiful.com | December 2021 | 47

How to confront diet talk Be prepared to set your boundaries when it comes to talking about dieting Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

I

t might happen on lunch breaks in the staff room, while eating out with friends, or seemingly out of nowhere from, sometimes, well-meaning relatives – and over time, diet talk can really grind us down.

Eating a varied and nutritious diet is important for all of us, but diet talk that focuses on restrictive eating, weight loss, or which is fuelled by food guilt, can have a negative affect on our relationships with ourselves – and for those who have experienced disordered eating in the past, or who struggle with their body image, it can be triggering.

Here, with the help of nutritional therapist and eating disorder recovery coach Sasha Paul, we explore the ways you can confront diet talk if it’s making you uncomfortable, and dive into how to set boundaries on this sensitive topic.

Separate the diet talker from diet culture itself “When you’ve become aware of all the ways that diet culture is harmful, conversations around dieting can evoke difficult feelings,” Sasha says. “The first thing to consider when confronted with a diet talker 48 | December 2021 | happiful.com

Artwork | Charlotte Reynell

is that they likely have no idea about the harm or discomfort the conversation has caused you.”

If you can, pause and take a step back. Question what might be prompting the things the individual is saying, and consider whether it’s more of a comment on their own relationship with food than it is on yours. That said, if the person you’re talking to is close to you, and you feel comfortable with them, Sasha recommends considering explaining to them why diet talk is unhelpful for you.

Set boundaries where possible Setting up boundaries is about making it clear what is and isn’t acceptable. We can apply them to all areas of our lives, and putting them in place when it comes to dealing with diet talk can be an effective way to manage it.

“By being clear where conversions around dieting and weight loss are making you feel uncomfortable, you give others the opportunity to respect your boundaries,” Sasha explains.

“Remember, those that care for you will only want you to feel safe and happy in their presence, and by making them aware of your discomfort, you will only be nurturing your relationships.”

A simple, “This kind of conversation makes me uncomfortable, would you mind if we don’t talk about diets?” is all it takes to make it clear that this isn’t a chat you want to have.

Change the subject “Sometimes it’s not possible to have a full conversation explaining why diet talk is harmful, or that you feel uncomfortable around it,” Sasha explains. “If that’s the case, and diet talk comes up, try to strategically move the conversation on.”

Fall back on small talk, or ask the other person questions about themselves to engage them in a new topic.

“If you have managed to express your discomfort but the conversation continues, try to leave it if you’re able to,” Sasha adds. “If you cannot leave the conversation, then you might want to disengage from it until it naturally moves on, to protect yourself.”

Use coping strategies If you’re already at the point where diet talk has triggered or upset you, Sasha recommends trying the following coping strategies...

food & health

I am on my own unique journey to food freedom and acceptance

• Mantras and affirmations.

If you’re working on eating intuitively and self-acceptance, but encounter a conversation about weight loss, try repeating the mantras ‘I am on my own unique journey to food freedom and self-acceptance,’ or ‘I am good enough, just as I am.’

• Journaling. Grab a pen and paper, and allow yourself to write freely. You might want to use prompts to help you think through diet talk conversations that affected you, such as: what makes my path different from the person I had this interaction with? How could our values differ?

What am I trying to achieve by opting out of diet culture?

• Breath work. Taking some time to breathe, meditate, or get some fresh air, can help you to feel calmer, and to process your thoughts and feelings in a healthier way.

• Reach out. Talking to a friend, family member, or professional about what affected you can be helpful, allowing you to process what happened, support you to feel better, and help you move past the incident more easily.

Read more about Sasha Paul on nutritionist-resource.org.uk happiful.com | December 2021 | 49

THE HAPPIFUL PODCAST

SHAHROO IZADI

DR LOUISE NEWSON

GRACE VICTORY

DAVID HAREWOOD

CHARLENE DOUGLAS FIONA LAMB MEGAN CRABBE HASSAN AKKAD

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Listen to conversations with Dr Louise Newson, David Harewood, Charlene Douglas, Hassan Akkad and many others, who share their passions, and reveal the moments that shaped them.

Photography: David Harewood | Films of Record, Hassan Akkad | Manuel Vazquez

I am. I have

in with the new

The best advice you’ve ever had...

We’re sharing the words of wisdom that changed everything for some of our readers, in the hopes they might resonate with you, too Writing | Rebecca Thair

T

he right words at the right time can make the world of difference. Whether it’s bolstering your resilience during a challenging time, or lifting your spirits when you need a pick-me-up, certain sentiments just stick with us, and can give us the strength and motivation we need when it feels like our reserves are dwindling.

With that in mind, we reached out to our wonderful Happiful community to discover the best advice they ever had. Hopefully you might find some comfort in these phrases that really spoke to our readers, and next time you chat to a loved one in need, perhaps these words could be just what they need to hear as well...

It takes more energy to hold on to something than it does to let it go

“All that matters is the next step.”

As someone who can get really stuck thinking about what I can’t change, or what I should have done, focusing my energy on moving forward – no matter how small an increment – has really helped me. – Jo Ferguson

“All will be well.”

My mum, who is almost 85, has always said this when times are hard. No matter how difficult the journey may seem sometimes, we will always learn from it, and maybe understand the reason. Therefore, all will be well. Just believe in the process.

– Lee Harris

You didn’t come this far to only get this far

“The days are slow but the years go fast.”

Especially in the first few weeks after our little one was born, it was a really poignant reminder that we should do our best to enjoy every moment with him (whether that’s sleepless nights, or early morning drives to try to calm him down), as time with him really will whiz by before we know it. – Bonnie Evie Gifford

“Keep it simple.”

A counsellor once told me this, and I apply it to every area of my life as I tend to overthink and complicate everything.

It was life-changing, as it was giving myself permission to stop doing that and to still get stuff done efficiently, whether it was completing a work task or responding to a tricky text, it’s great advice. – Farrah Grant >>> happiful.com | December 2021 | 51

I learnt this thorough an understanding and managing emotion group: Grab a cup that has different images around it. Show one side to your friend or family and ask them, “What do you see?” They will only respond with what they see on that one side of the cup.

However, your side of the cup will have different images.

They are correct in what they are perceiving, but so are you.

This shows that two opposite opinions can both be true and right. Just because we have a different perception of a situation does not mean that the other person’s view is wrong or incorrect. – Charlie Miller

It will be alright in the end, and if it’s not OK then it’s not the end

“Givers need to set boundaries, because takers never do.”

This helped me to realise I had to take responsibility for my own energy as no one else would do it for me. Some people will take all you can give, and you could wait forever for them to say “Please take care of yourself now.” So you have to learn to do this for yourself. – Sheri Werner

“Why don’t you try something different?”

After 15 years of excessive drinking, I stood at a pub door and called my friend who’d been sober for a year through doing the 12 Steps. “You told me you’re not happy,” he said. “Why don’t you try something different?”

I saw it as a challenge, and so I did try something different, and through grace I am 20 years clean and sober now. – David Hurst

“Will it matter in five minutes, five hours, five days, five weeks, five years?”

52 | December 2021 | happiful.com

“It’s not your fault.”

No idea where it came from, but when I am worrying it helps me to stop and think, am I going to remember this moment in five ‘whatevers’?

Will it make a difference?

– Faye Spooner

I’m chronically ill with a genetic condition, and simply being told this by a doctor helped me so much. I constantly blame myself for being ill, and the effect it has on what I can and can’t do (and how this impacts others in my life), but hearing someone say those simple words just reminded me that I didn’t choose to be born unwell, and I don’t choose to let people down/not be able to do things. I know it’s a very simple phrase, but it’s been so important to me. – Jenny Cole

As a worried first-time mum bombarded by parenting books, and conflicting advice from professionals, other mums, friends and family, I didn’t feel like I knew what I was doing.

I was in my head too much.

Everyone was doing something different to me. Someone said to me: “Trust yourself. You know your baby best.” – Joanne Flatt

“You are not your thoughts – just because you think something doesn’t make it true.”

This has hugely helped me put things into perspective at times, and also really challenge my own thoughts. – Sohaila Sophia

Worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles, it takes away today’s peace

In 2001, I had just moved to Scotland (from Germany) and was job hunting, which was difficult and disappointing at times, when a friend quoted this old Scottish saying:

WHAT’S FOR YOU WON’T GO

BY YOU. I felt a shiver down my spine as I found it so affirming and comforting. It’s my mantra.

– Sylvia Tillmann

When I was having CBT I was given two questions for when my thoughts were spiralling.

1. Is this my fault?

2. Why does this matter to me?

I use these now nearly 20 years later! They’re enough to get me out of a destructive pattern of thinking still. – Sarah Steinhöfel

“Be the best version of yourself…”

If you can say that at the end of the day, no matter what has happened, you can be proud. – Louise Minier We could have made an entire issue from all the wonderful comments we received on this, so if you’re keen to read more, we’ll have an extended version of this piece, with plenty more words of advice, on happiful.com happiful.com | December 2021 | 53

The veg pledge Feeling festive? Impress your friends with two delicious vegetarian dishes Writing | Isobel Baillie Hamilton

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ith Christmas just around the corner, signposting the end to the somewhat surreal year of 2021, what better way to celebrate this magical time of year than to bring friends and family together with a delicious festive feast?

Like all good, hearty meals, this is one that you can prepare ahead, offering you a fuss-free holiday dedicated to spending time with people you love.

I’m going gluten-free and vegetarian here (although vegan would be possible with a few easy substitutions). I’m also offering

Celeriac and apple rounds with cauliflower and clove purée

• Small pinch of saffron • Juice of 1/2 a lemon • Zest of 1/2 orange and sumac to serve

Serves 12 You can prepare all but the apple for the canapés up to four days in advance! The apple should be done on the day you plan to eat it.

Ingredients: • 1 cauliflower, roughly chopped • 100g dairy-free butter • 1/8 tsp ground cloves • 1 pod’s worth of ground cardamom • Squeeze of lemon • 1 celeriac, peeled and sliced into 1cm slices • 1/4 tsp salt • 1/2 medium apple, cut into small cubes 54 | December 2021 | happiful.com

Method: • Steam the cauliflower for 10 minutes until tender. Put into a blender, add butter, spices, seasoning, and purée. You want this smooth but thick.

Transfer to a piping bag/bowl and set aside until serving.

• Steam the celeriac slices for 10 minutes or until they are tender. Place on a board and cut out small, bite-sized circles or squares. Set aside until serving. (Any off-cuts can be saved and roasted along with your other veg for the main).

a canapé idea (we’re partying, yes?), so there’s something for everyone to enjoy.

• Cut the apple into very small cubes, and add to a bowl with saffron and lemon juice.

• Arrange the celeriac on a roasting tray, top with a dollop of the purée, and roast at 180°C for 10 minutes. Remove from the oven and finish with the apple.

• Garnish with zest of orange and sumac. Can be served hot or cold.

food & health

The healthy bit

Find a ist on nutrition iful our Happ app

Celeriac and apple rounds with cauliflower and clove pureé Cruciferous veggies, such as cauliflower, are wonderful for supporting the liver. Apples, celeriac, and cauliflower are also rich in fibre, which feeds the good bacteria in the gut, keeps us satiated, and is also pivotal in the detoxification process. I love this little canapé, not only because it’s packed full of goodness, but also because each bite is like a toasty Christmas hug from Santa Claus himself!

Festive butternut squash, kale, and chestnut pithivier Serves 8 Ingredients: • 640g ready-rolled puff pastry, vegan or vegetarian • 1 small butternut squash, cut into 1cm cubes • 12 cooked chestnuts, chopped • 150g chopped almonds • 100g dried or fresh cranberries • 1 red onion, chopped • 2 garlic cloves, sliced • A small handful of sage, chopped • 200g kale • 2 tbsp of Madeira, or sherry • 300g of silken tofu, crumbled • Eggwash: 1 egg yolk and 2 tsp water, mixed • Salt and pepper Method: • Set the oven to 180°C. Chop all ingredients and place onto a lined roasting tray. Mix, cover, and roast for 25 minutes. Adjust seasoning to taste.

• Line a large baking tray and cut

Festive butternut squash, kale, and chestnut pithivier

two large squares of the pastry to fit. Put one on the tray and plop the filling into a pile in the middle.

• Brush the pastry border with the eggwash and drape the other pastry square over the top of the filling. Pinch the two pastry sheets together to seal the filling into the pithivier. At this point, this can be stored in the fridge.

• Heat the oven to 210°C. Remove the pithivier from the fridge, if prepped ahead. Brush with the rest of the egg wash, score the top and make a small hole in the centre for the air to escape.

Bake for 20–25 minutes until the pastry is golden brown and puffed up.

• Slice into wedges and serve with Christmas veggies!

Served with all the trimmings of a Christmas meal, this is a real crowd pleaser and, in my opinion, a juicier alternative to ye olde nut roast. With regards to its nutritional benefits, this is a good one for so many reasons: kale is another cruciferous vegetable, offering fibre, antioxidants, and liver-loving goodness to the Christmas meal.

Butternut squash packs in more fibre and antioxidants, and being a good source of potassium also keeps blood sugar balance in check. Finally, the tofu is a great source of protein, containing all nine essential amino acids, and brings a gorgeous and indulgent creaminess to the dish.

Isobel Baillie Hamilton is a nutritionist and chef.

Find more on her profile at nutritionist-resource.org.uk happiful.com | December 2021 | 55

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positive pointers

A TOKEN OF GRATITUDE

They’ve been making our lives easier all year, and now is our opportunity to give back to those in the service industry

I

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

T H A N K T H A N K T H A N K

Y O U Y O U Y O U

t’s the season of giving, and also a time to reflect on the things that we are most grateful for. Throughout the year, there are people who make our everyday lives run a little smoother. It could be those close to us, but also, often in the background, there are nearstrangers whose work makes all the difference.

Around Christmas, the pressure often amps up for service workers, and amongst the festivities, stress levels can peak. Shops are crammed, deliveries pile up, and everywhere we go there seems to be an extra ‘buzz’ reverberating below the surface.

Here, we’re exploring four acts of kindness to help you give back. >>> happiful.com | December 2021 | 57

PUT IT DOWN IN WORDS How often do we take the time to tell people how we really feel?

Especially when it comes to offering words of affirmation to people we only casually interact with. So often, the small things that make a big difference go unnoticed, but now’s the time to bring them to light.

Maybe it’s a refuse collector who takes time to wave to the children

LEAVE THEM A GOOD REVIEW These days, reviews can go a long way – to the point where they can make or break a business.

And the unfortunate truth is people often make more effort to say something negative, than they do to praise a good job. But if someone has gone above and beyond for you, or even if they simply always do a good job, really do consider leaving them a review. It doesn’t cost a thing, and most businesses have a Facebook, Google review, or Trustpilot page where you can leave a review quickly and easily.

If you want to provide feedback on a particular individual who is part of an organisation – such as a postal worker or bus driver – consider visiting the organisation’s website, and putting in a good word via feedback or contact forms. You never know how much impact your words could have, this winter and beyond.

58 | December 2021 | happiful.com

on your road (or occasionally knocks on the door when you’ve forgotten it’s bin day), a window cleaner who leaves the glass glittering, or a bus driver who welcomes you aboard each morning – whatever it may be, taking some time to put your gratitude into words in a card will never go amiss, and you can be sure that it will be treasured and appreciated.

positive pointers

T H A N K T H A N K T H A N K

Y O U Y O U Y O U

T T T T T T T T T

H A N K Y H A N K Y H A N K Y So often, H A Nwe can K Y interact withK H A N Y people all the time, H A toNactually K Y but fail H Aa connection N K Y make H A N K Y H A N K Y

O O O O O O O O O

U U U U U U U U U

T T T T T T T T T

H H H H H H H H H

SMALL GIFTS

TAKE AN INTEREST

Whether it’s a box of chocolates, some homemade jam, festive treats, or simply a tip popped in a card, it goes without saying that gifts are always appreciated. You may be able to hand it over to them in person – or, if you’re out, is there a safe place where you can leave it, clearly labelled for them?

There’s a wealth of research into the psychology of gift-giving, and what studies find time and again is that, when it comes to the perfect present, the cost of the item has very little to do with it. So, if passing on a gift to someone who has brightened your day this year is something you’d like to do, don’t feel as though you need to splash out – it really is the thought that counts, and letting someone know that you see and appreciate them is truly at the heart of this gesture.

So often, we can interact with people all the time, but fail to actually make a connection. How often do we pass the same people by when going about our daily lives, all the while not knowing even the smallest of details about who they are?

It might be time to make introductions, even asking someone’s name and introducing yourself and your family will take the relationship you have to the next level. And there’s no need to make a big deal about it, a simple, “I’ve never caught your name?” is all it takes.

Take time to really see people, and nurture a sense of community and kindness this year, and beyond. ‘Tis the season, after all.

A A A A A A A A A

happiful.com | December 2021 | 59

N N N N N N N N N

How to teach children coping skills Set kids up for life, with these tips for building gentle resilience Writing | Amanda Ann Gregory

T

hey may not pay bills, have full-time jobs, or deal with the pressures of adulthood, but children’s lives can still be extremely stressful as they’re constantly navigating multiple stages of emotional and physical development. Additionally, children experience daily stressors such as conflicts with peers, educational and social expectations, and the pressures that accompany their familial roles and relationships.

As a child psychotherapist, I’ve assisted many parents and caregivers as they help their children learn to manage both daily and transitional stress. I encourage adults to teach children the coping skills that they use to manage their own stress, and to discover new skills that they can practise together.

The process of teaching a child coping skills is not easy. Children may struggle with understanding, implementation, and motivation.

How do you not only teach, but also encourage, children to consistently incorporate such skills into their lives? Here are my best tips for teaching a child to practise and internalise coping skills:

60 | December 2021 | happiful.com

1. KEEP IT SIMPLE Children don’t need overly detailed or complicated instructions. In fact, children are more likely to become distracted and/or forget the instructions if they’re too complex. Instead, choose a coping skill that is simple to do, and that requires few instructions. For example, progressive muscle relaxation (the practice of tensing one muscle group at a time, followed by a relaxation phase) can be used on all the muscles in the body. However, you may want to start with one muscle group at a time when teaching this to children. Also, try to avoid overexplaining how the coping skill works. So, instead of explaining how emotions become locked in the body and why releasing them is essential, it might be more effective simply to say: “This could make you feel better in your body and your mind.”

2. INCORPORATE ALL THREE LEARNING STYLES There are three main styles of learning: visual, auditory, and kinesthetic. Adults and children tend to have one or two primary styles. For example, one child

may be primarily auditory, whereas another may be more visual, and another child may need a combination of auditory and visual learning techniques.

When teaching children, you should try using all three styles so that you can meet their unique learning needs. In order to instruct children in a manner that incorporates each of the three main styles of learning, you would verbally explain the directions (auditory), show them how to do it (visual), and then do it with them (kinesthetic).

3. MAKE IT FUN Children are less likely to try to use coping skills that are boring. Make sure that the skills that you teach are engaging.

For example, one type of progressive muscle relaxation consists of sitting still and being aware of each of your muscle groups. Children can struggle to sit still and focus. Therefore, I tend to teach children the more active version of this skill, which consists of them squeezing and then releasing their muscles.

You can also make ‘boring’ coping skills more engaging by adding fun elements to them,

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such as asking the child to pretend that they are squeezing slime out of their hands, or you might even give them slime or a ball to squeeze.

If you want to teach a child a coping skill, then you need to use it, too 4. MODEL THE SKILLS YOURSELF If you want to teach a child a coping skill, and you want them to use it, then you need to use it too. Observing an authority figure using a skill can instil a sense of the importance of the practice, which can motivate a

child to implement the skill.

This can be a better tactic than simply telling the child that they need to use the skill.

5. UTILISE YOUR SUPPORT NETWORK It’s not enough simply to teach a child a new skill. You also need to provide future support in order to help them use this skill when needed. A good way to provide this is to communicate with supportive adults in the child’s life, such as teachers, parents, family members, and members of the community.

Inform these adults about the new skill, and make sure they know how to use it and when the child needs to use it.

These adults can remind and encourage the child to utilise the skill, provide praise when the

Coping skills to try today: • • • • • • • • •

Repeating affirmations Journaling about their feelings Breathing techniques Progressive muscle relaxation Mindfulness Meditation Positive self-talk Labelling feelings Engaging with hobbies

child uses the skill, and they can try the actions themselves in the child’s presence in order to model and reinforce it.

Amanda Ann is a therapist, speaker, and author specialising in trauma.

To find out more about coping skills, visit counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | December 2021 | 61

HOT STUFF

Indulgent, creamy and delicious, treat yourself to a steaming mug of our ultimate white hot chocolate as you snuggle up this winter INGREDIENTS • 200ml milk (of your choice) • 100g white chocolate (chopped) • ½ teaspoon of vanilla extract • Pinch of salt TO SERVE (OPTIONAL) • Whipped or squirty cream • Marshmallows • Salted caramel syrup METHOD • Add the milk, chopped white chocolate, and vanilla extract to a saucepan.

• Whisk continuously over a low to medium heat. You may want to add the salt to help balance out the sweetness of the white chocolate.

• Ensuring the mixture doesn’t boil, keep stirring until the chocolate has completely melted, and the mixture is smooth and combined.

• Serve immediately in festive mugs! Add your choice of toppings – in our opinion, some cream and marshmallows are a must.

• Note, this is a particularly sweet and indulgent drink, so you may want to experiment and balance your flavours – you could add some peppermint syrup for a burst of freshness, or salted caramel always pairs well with white chocolate. Enjoy!

62 | December 2021 | happiful.com

Additional upgrades Whether you’re going all-out to impress your guests, or whipping up a special treat for yourself, level-up your hot chocolate game with some of these added extra ideas • Flavour with orange zest for a seasonal vibe • Stir in a spoonful of Nutella to regular hot chocolate (until melted) • Decorate your drink with a candy-cane stirrer • Experiment with syrups – cinnamon, peppermint, or vanilla?

• Crush some Oreo biscuits over your cream for decoration (and crunch)

culture

Happiful reads...

From comforting stories about adventurous dogs to discovering the power of lists, we share four books you won’t want to miss this month Writing | Chelsea Graham

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alking about children’s mental health is extremely important, but often tricky to navigate. Vibrant and thoughtful, these two illustrated storybooks follow Murray the dog on his adventures to overcome worry, and find calm. Drawing on his friends for support, and discovering practical tips to

use when he feels panicked or scared, these stories provide the perfect bedtime story for little ones who may be overwhelmed by new adventures of their own.

Don’t Worry, Murray! and What’s the Hurry, Murray?

by Anna Adams, illustrated by Josiane Vlitos Out now

Must reads Therapy is Magic

by Jo Love Out now Therapy can often feel like a mysterious practice, leaving us to ask: what really happens when you seek help from a professional? Jo Love is opening up the therapy room doors, with the help of experts and voices from the mental health community, to delve into the power of talking.

Life in Lists

by Mrs Hinch Out now Do you ever find that mess appears faster than you can keep on top of it? Mrs Hinch’s latest book aims to show us all the power of a simple list, and how writing down the tasks we need to do can make them much less overwhelming.

The Woman in the Middle

by Milly Johnson Out now When you’re going through a challenging time, you are often advised to look ahead to the future as a source of hope and motivation.

But, as mother and wife Shay finds out in this gorgeous novel, sometimes returning to the past can be the only way to move forward.

happiful.com | December 2021 | 63

64 | December 2021 | happiful.com

relationships

Facing your first Christmas alone

When a loved one dies, facing the first Christmas without them can feel impossible. But you can get through it – and cope with other ‘first times’ too

F

or many of us, Christmas means parties with friends, catch-ups in a cosy pub, taking the kids to see Father Christmas, or having the family around for the big day.

But for some of us, a loved one will be missing from those rituals for the first time this year.

Grief is never easy, but the festive season can be particularly difficult for the recently bereaved. But once you know why – and what you can do to tackle it – getting through this ‘first time’ can help you deal with the others to come.

Why is Christmas so tough?

“When we imagine what Christmas looks like, it most likely includes the person who died, or even focuses on them. So when they’re missing, that leaves a really big gap,’ says Adrienne Kirk, a

Writing | Rosalind Ryan

psychotherapist who specialises in grief. “We can’t quite get our head around that idea, so it amplifies the loss’.”

Dr Marianne Trent, clinical psychologist and author of The Grief Collective, says there’s also an element of A Christmas Carol at play. “It’s easy to imagine our Christmases past, but our Christmas present now looks very different, which makes us unsure about Christmas future,” she says.

And when we compare and contrast in this way, it makes it even more obvious that our loved one is no longer there.

This could be said of all ‘first times’ after bereavement, like birthdays, but these occasions are much more personal and you’re not constantly reminded of them in the months before. Christmas is (almost) unavoidable: we’re

surrounded by adverts, and films filled with people having the perfect Christmas, which can make it hard to manage your grief.

What can you do this Christmas?

Definitely don’t ignore it.

Adrienne says, “When we focus on a daily routine to get through grief, Christmas can come as a surprise; you may feel overwhelmed by your emotions, then beat yourself up for feeling so overwhelmed.” So, the first step is to start thinking about what you’d like to do, either on the day itself or around the Christmas period.

“It is sensible to plan in advance, as you might get several offers but turn them all down as you don’t quite know >>> happiful.com | December 2021 | 65

It’s easy to imagine our Christmases past, but our Christmas present now looks very different

what you want,” says Margaret Nimmo-Smith, a volunteer with Cruse Bereavement Support for 25 years. This means you could end up by yourself for Christmas, and while that may be perfect for some people, others may want to be surrounded by friends and family at this time.

You could decide to go away with a close friend. Margaret says, “Many people want to do something completely different to a ‘normal’ Christmas, as it can be too painful without their loved one.” Being at home may also have too many reminders that you don’t feel ready to face yet. By taking a break to a hot country, or somewhere that doesn’t celebrate Christmas, it can feel like it’s not happening at all.

66 | December 2021 | happiful.com

If you want to stay put, think about where you’d like to be on Christmas Day – in your own home? With a relative and their family? Or in a restaurant with good friends? If someone you care about has been bereaved, invite them to spend the day with you but be prepared for them to say no; it’s not personal, but they may want to be by themselves. “You could ask them over for Boxing Day instead, as that can also feel quite lonely,” adds Margaret.

Create new rituals and routines

You may want to honour the person who died in some way over the holidays. “You could visit their grave or where their ashes are buried, or do something non-

religious,” says Adrienne. “This could be cooking their favourite dish, using grandmother’s cake recipe, or playing their favourite board game. If they liked a certain type of chocolates, you could buy a box and put it in the middle of the table on the day. It’s a way of celebrating them in lieu of them being there.”

Your first Christmas without a loved one is also a chance to think about the things you want to keep or anything you want to do differently. If your dad was the only person who liked Brussels sprouts, you don’t have to cook them this year. Or you may want to, as a way to remember him – there are no rules about how you should grieve over Christmas.

“Even if it’s just holding that

relationships

Even if it’s just holding that person mindfully in your day, it’s about doing what feels right for you

person mindfully in your day, it’s about doing what feels right for you,” says Dr Marianne.

Dealing with other first times

Christmas isn’t the only significant event you’ll be faced with in the first year after a bereavement. Birthdays, Mother’s or Father’s Day, anniversaries – these will all feel incredibly difficult, but now you know you can get through them. Margaret says, “Feeling deep grief on these occasions is normal, but you can tell yourself ‘I survived the first Christmas, so I will survive this, too.’”

These first times may be more about continuing your bond with the person who’s gone. You

might want to go for a walk to their favourite beauty spot, visit a beach that’s important to you and pick up a pebble every year, or set up a memorial bench.

Some people choose to plant a tree or a bush in the garden that they can enjoy all year round.

You could also do something more personal to commemorate them. “My dad was a boiler man, so we always do something in boiler suits for his birthday.

We’ve been indoor skydiving, gokarting, and are planning to go paintballing,” says Dr Marianne.

“You are allowed to enjoy life without that person in it, but this is a way of bringing them along with you.”

Once you’ve been through a whole year without your loved

one, there can be an expectation that you should be ‘getting over’ them. But that’s just not true. As Adrienne says: “Grief softens and stops being so raw, but it’s still there. It doesn’t get smaller, but we grow around it and accommodate it. We can learn to live without our loved one but there will always be that sense of loss – whatever the time of year.”

Adrienne Kirk is a psychotherapist specialising in bereavement. To find out more about Adrienne, visit counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | December 2021 | 67

Winter is a season of recovery and preparation

PAUL THEROUX Photography | Gary Barnes

68 | December 2021 | happiful.com

true story

My endometriosis journey For a decade, Hayley suffered crippling symptoms without knowing what was wrong. Diagnosed at last, she is now able to control the condition that was ruining her life, and uses her knowledge and expertise to help others Writing | Hayley Ray

T

he first symptoms of endometriosis – a condition where tissue similar to the lining of the womb starts to grow in other places, such as the ovaries and fallopian tubes – started to show when I was 13 years old. I didn’t know what a ‘normal’ cycle was, and each month I dreaded my period. I experienced heavy bleeding, cramping in my abdomen, and blood clots.

Over the years, my symptoms got worse, and I’d miss school and social events due to the unbearable pain that made me sick and collapse, often leaving me bedridden for days at a time.

For more than a decade I went back and forth to the doctors, and was told that what I experienced each month was ‘hereditary period pain’. I even got asked: “Are you a hypochondriac?” I felt no one really understood what was going on, or what I was going through.

Examinations by my GP would end with: “It’s period pain, and unfortunately, hereditary.”

Another prescription of codeine would be handed over. I was put on medication and birth control to help manage the pain, which would mask the symptoms for a short while, only for them to return worse than before.

After graduating from performing arts college in 2007, I moved to London to embark on a career in TV. During this time, the pain I experienced when my period arrived was unbearable. I was unable to walk, unable to even carry myself to the bathroom. I’d take days off due to the pain. This eventually led me to quit my job after I was told to “man up”, and “You don’t even look sick.” I decided to leave London and take some time out, as my physical and mental health was at an all-time low.

During this time, I lived in the French Alps and I worked as a chalet chef, where I developed my love for baking and cooking. I then travelled and ate my way around south-east Asia.

When I returned from my travels, I began work in a corporate environment. Despite having lived with endometriosis symptoms for many years, it was a morning commute which finally started my journey towards a diagnosis.

After stepping off the train, I felt a pain in my left ovary. It felt like something had burst into flames and spread around my lower abdomen and across my back. I somehow managed to walk to the office and the next thing I knew, I was in the back of an ambulance being told I >>>

happiful.com | December 2021 | 69

had suspected appendicitis. I was X-rayed, had tests, and was assessed by different doctors.

Finally, one said: ‘‘You’ve probably experienced a ruptured cyst.” After that, I was discharged.

Drained and deflated, I started to believe I was a hypochondriac. I took matters into my own hands and booked an appointment with a private gynaecologist. She assessed me, spoke with empathy, and recommended I go for food allergy tests and an internal ultrasound scan.

At the scan, they detected some cysts on both ovaries. I was told they were relatively small, but that it would be sensible to have them removed.

They booked me in for keyhole surgery a couple of months later, but the surgery revealed I had a cyst 10 times the size they had estimated. My left ovary was damaged, and some of it was removed during surgery, along with the cyst and the endometrial tissue growing around my fallopian tubes and womb.

It was now apparent that I’d been suffering from severe endometriosis for 10 years. My gynaecologist said she had never seen a misdiagnosed case like mine before. I’d suffered in silence, undiagnosed for a decade, with one of the worst cases of ‘endo’ she had ever seen.

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I’ve been able to turn something that once had a hugely negative impact on my life, into a truly positive one After I was diagnosed, my life changed. Now I knew what I was battling, I could focus on how to beat it. After I recovered from surgery, I took various food allergen tests and my results showed gluten sensitivity and lactose intolerance. I started to think properly, for the first time, about nutrition, and the integral role it plays in health and wellbeing. I also read everything I could about endometriosis.

Although there’s still no cure for ‘endo’, I found that when I cut out all wheat, gluten, dairy, and processed foods, some symptoms were eliminated, and slowly I began to take control of my body through the healing power of food, and got back that glow I’d lost.

Food and travelling have always been two of my biggest passions, and in 2014 I left the UK once again to explore Indonesia, Australia, New Zealand, and some South Pacific Islands.

true story

I eventually ended up living in New Zealand, and it was there that I discovered more ways to nourish my body with foods that left me glowing and rejuvenated.

I became passionate about connecting with others and sharing what I had discovered during my journey, especially with women who suffer from endometriosis, polycystic ovary syndrome, and other chronic illnesses.

Unfortunately, in September 2016, I was diagnosed with pre-cervical cancerous cells and underwent treatment that included laser therapy. This fresh test to my health led me to return to the UK in June 2017.

I went on to study with the Institution for Integrative Nutrition to become a certified and registered health and nutrition coach, which deepened my understanding of the importance of food in managing chronic illnesses. Since graduating in 2018, I’ve worked with women on a one-to-one basis, and shared my journey.

Finally, after many years of endometriosis controlling my life, I’ve found a way to control it.

I’ve been able to turn something that once had a hugely negative impact on my life, into a truly positive one. How? Through the healing power of food and listening to your body.

The journey to managing the symptoms of endometriosis can feel incredibly isolating at times, and for anyone going through it, I say: never give up until you get a diagnosis, and never settle for anything below your standards.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Hayley’s inspirational story highlights the true challenge of living with endometriosis, especially when it has been diagnosed for a number of years, it’s evident this had a significant impact on her health. In time, and with the correct medical support, Hayley was able to get the help she needed.

Hayley’s life experience now drives her forward to help other people – her pain has now grown into a source of strength.

Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred) Counsellor and psychotherapist

happiful.com | December 2021 | 71

Andy Gill BA NLP E-RYT JSY500 AC BWY Andy Gill is a multi-modal therapist who uses coaching, hypnotherapy, and yoga to meet his clients’ needs.

Find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk

W

e spend about a third of our lives at work, and wouldn't it be wonderful if it was a positive experience? Sadly, this is not always the case, and I meet many clients for whom work is a source of stress, anxiety, and unhappiness.

The quality of the working relationship with a manager has a huge impact on your experience.

A good manager helps you feel secure, supported, and looked after – but a poor experience with a boss might leave you feeling insecure, threatened, and undermined. When the latter happens, we often lack the experience and knowledge to know how to respond.

72 | December 2021 | happiful.com

My manager is making my life a misery

Could applying a psychological framework to your work relationships help you to navigate difficult dynamics? Our expert columnist Andy Gill dives into common workplace woes Writing | Andy Gill

We aren’t taught how to manage relationships with authority in the workplace. For many of us, our only experience of dealing with leaders comes from our school days. When things get difficult, and we feel under pressure, we can find ourselves snapping into younger, less mature parts of ourselves. When we react from this place, it is easy to take things personally and feel victimised.

The clients I have worked with have often found themselves in the role of victim – a place where they feel powerless and stuck, and are caught up in blaming their manager. I help them understand that they have a part to play in resolving the problem.

Any working relationship is made up of two parts; I help my clients understand they have the power and capability to look after their half, and approach the challenge in a more mature way.

I use the transactional analysis (TA) framework to help my clients better understand the relationship dynamics of the problem, and how their own behaviour might be perpetuating the issue. In TA, a ‘transaction’ is used to refer to the interaction taking place between people, as they relate to each other, while the ‘analysis’ relates to the nature of the transaction.

TA tells us that our personality is formed of three different ego states that we move in and out of

EXPERT COLUMN

Case study

as we relate to people. These are parent, adult, and child. There are positive and negative aspects to the parent and child ego states, and in the kind of relational issues we are discussing here, people are likely to be playing the negative aspects of a parent or child ego state. As the figure of authority and power, a manager often ends up playing a critical parent (persecutor) role, and their report as a victim plays the negative aspect of the child.

With the use of the TA framework, I can help my clients understand their manager's behaviour and motivations, and see that they might just be a person struggling to do the best they can.

This enables them to see their situation more objectively. At this

point, I encourage clients to try to respond to their manager from the third ego state, the adult. TA tells us that if I act from an adult place it encourages an adult response.

In transactions between adults, mature intelligent communication can take place.

At some point, we all encounter relational challenges at work.

The TA framework can help us to become aware of the relational dynamics at play, and show us how we can shift them into a more mature adult dynamic – from which we can respond in more appropriate and constructive ways.

If you’re struggling with a difficult work relationship then working with a coach who uses TA can be really helpful.

K is feeling stressed and anxious about her manager D. He has recently adopted a more demanding, controlling, hands-on approach – calling her outside of working hours and sending emails at weekends. She is finding this difficult and invasive; she feels insecure, threatened, and has become 'victimised'.

We explored what was going on at work, and it became apparent that D has a new boss, who is shaking things up and putting him under a lot of pressure. It seems that D is not handling this new pressure well, and that is causing him to behave this way with K. When I was able to help K understand what was driving D's behaviour, she was able to see that it was not about her, or her performance. She could then see it in a less threatening way, and learn to adopt a more mature adult approach to dealing with D. We developed strategies for her to manage her relationship with D, which included better approaches to communication and improved boundary setting to manage his expectations. happiful.com | December 2021 | 73

HAPPIFUL TOP 10

December

From connecting with those we care about to learning to love the planet around us, we share 10 things to do this December

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‘Our Future Planet’ at the Science Museum

The Science Museum inspires awe in those who visit on an ordinary day, but with a new exhibition on the future of the planet, it’s the place to be this December. The ‘Our Future Planet’ exhibition aims to showcase emerging technology tackling the climate crisis head on, and is an event that is sure to capture your attention.

(Visit sciencemuseum.org.uk to find out more)

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PAGE-TURNERS Get Untamed

by Glennon Doyle Observing others and following in their footsteps can seem like a logical way to make decisions. But learning to become your own pioneer can also be a liberating experience.

Glennon Doyle’s new journal encourages us to stop pleasing others, and start putting our own needs and aspirations first.

(Out now Vermilion, £12.99)

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PUT ON A SHOW

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LEND US YOUR EARS ‘How to Fail with Elizabeth Day’

For many of us, failing is something we actively avoid, seeing it as an inherently negative experience. But instead of being disappointed in ourselves when we do fail, Elizabeth Day talks candidly to actors, celebrities, and athletes about the lessons we can learn when things don’t go to plan.

(Listen to the podcast on iTunes and Spotify)

OUT AND ABOUT Christmas markets

As we get into the festive spirit, Christmas markets are a fantastic opportunity to bring all of the family together for a hot chocolate-fuelled walk, while soaking up the warmth of fresh baking, or the pride of local vendors. They can also be a wonderful way to celebrate on a low budget, with many being free to enter. (Search ‘Christmas market’ to find a location near you) 74 | December 2021 | happiful.com

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PLUGGED-IN @realgrumpycat

We all know how much a photo of a cute animal can brighten our day, don’t we? If your Instagram feed is lacking in fluffy faces, an extra grumpy cat could be the missing piece. Following the adventures of Grumpy Cat, the photos of its frowning face are sure to bring a smile to yours.

(Follow @realgrumpycat on Instagram)

culture

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TECH TIP-OFFS 1 Second Everyday

Videos can be an incredibly powerful way to recall on parts of our lives, and to relive them many years later. But, remembering to record our lives as they are happening can be difficult! 1 Second Everyday helps to remind you to record just one second of each day so that you can look back on it in years to come.

(Download from the App Store or Google Play)

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THE CONVERSATION International Day of Persons with Disabilities

This internationally recognised day, originally set up by the UN, aims to spread awareness of those facing barriers and challenges as a result of living with a disability. The day also hopes to remind everyone that not all disabilities are visual, and that they can also impact our mental health.

(3 December, visit idpwd.org for more information)

SQUARE EYES The Electrical Life of Louis Wain

Featuring the wonderful Benedict Cumberbatch, this vibrant and eccentric film details the life of artist Louis Wain as he rose to fame drawing cats in odd poses for the Illustrated London News. Quirky and sentimental, this film offers an engaging variation on the typical biopic story. (Available on Amazon Prime now)

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GET GOING Spinning class

Indoor stationary cycling, often called spinning, can be a great way to get moving and connect with friends. With regular class members often becoming a little community of their own, spinning is a great hobby to get into if you’re looking to meet new friends.

(Search ‘spinning’ to find a class near you)

TREAT YOURSELF Olor candles

Lighting a candle when you finally finish cleaning a room, or when you sit down on the sofa after a long day, can be a deeply soothing experience. The Olor Coastal Wood candle combines a blend of sage, grapefruit, amber, and cedarwood to create a wonderfully warm and inviting atmosphere in any room. (RRP £30, visit olor.co.uk)

WIN!

Win an Olor Candle For your chance to win a Coastal Wood Candle, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com Amber is a shade of what colour? a) Yellow

b) Green

c) Pink

*Competition closes 16 December 2021. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!

happiful.com | December 2021 | 75

5 signs that gambling is becoming a problem

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Spot the signs, and address gambling addiction before it gets out of hand Illustrating | Rosan Magar

1. Gambling more than you can afford to lose In a healthy relationship with gambling, you should be able to understand what you can afford to lose if things don’t go your way.

For example, when visiting a casino, it may be acceptable for you to lose £20 – with the knowledge that if you lose that £20, you will stop or leave.

This allows you to control the amount you are at risk of losing.

If you don’t set limits, it’s easy to

lose track of how much money you have actually spent. Having fun can quickly turn to regret if you end up losing the money you need to cover the other costs in your life.

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he gambling industry in the UK is colossal, with The Gambling Commission’s most recent published statistics showing that gambling companies had a total gross yield of £5.9 billion between April and September 2020.

The feeling of winning is pleasurable and addictive, something that many people risk falling victim to. And while the vast majority are able to remain in control of their gambling, for others it becomes increasingly difficult to know when to stop.

There’s a lot of help available for gambling addiction, but the first step is to identify that there may be a problem. Here, we explore five signs that gambling habits are potentially problematic.

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wellbeing

2. Chasing losses

The act of ‘chasing losses’ is to gamble more as a direct result of a loss. When one feels the need to avenge that loss with a win, it is a big sign that the relationship with gambling has turned sour.

Using the previous casino example, after losing the £20 which you set as your limit, it may be tempting to bet more money in order to win back your £20. This can be a slippery slope, and can quickly spiral out of control.

Problem gamblers often fall into ‘mind traps’ – these are thoughts that distort our view on something. For example, feeling as though you are ‘due a win’, which can encourage you to bet again. This distracts from the fact that the chances of winning are always exactly the same as they were before.

3. Increasing stakes

One reason why gambling is so popular around the world is simply that winning feels good.

Winning triggers an emotional response that can be very addictive. This positive feeling often overrides the negative feeling that is triggered after losing. As Ian Robertson wrote in his book The Winner Effect, “Winning increases testosterone which, in turn, increases the chemical messenger dopamine, and that dopamine hits the reward network in the brain, which makes us feel better.”

Sometimes, to increase the positive feeling of winning, one may raise the stakes. If small wins aren’t cutting it, doubling the stakes may boost your interest.

However, chasing this positive emotional reaction, of course, comes with a much higher risk – and again forms a slippery slope, whereby the amount being gambled is forever increasing.

Gamblers Anonymous holds more than 200 physical meetings in the UK each week, with hundreds more taking place virtually. Websites such as gamcare.org.uk are incredibly helpful for those struggling with addiction to gambling.

4. Betting attitude

Another key downfall of many gamblers, particularly those who bet on sports, is that they feel they can beat the bookmakers due to their knowledge of the sport. It is easy to think that, if you know a lot about football, it’s possible to predict what will happen. But what makes sport thrilling is that anything can happen.

The odds are, quite literally, always stacked against you. No amount of studying can predict a horse falling at the first fence, or a red card in the first minute.

It’s important to know that all bets rely on luck, and even those with the greatest knowledge of a sport often get it wrong.

5. Hiding the fact that you’re gambling

It may be simply gambling when nobody is around, or it may be that you’ll go to the toilet or to get a drink, and while doing so, place a bet. But once you feel the need to gamble secretly, you’re likely to be already in a position where, deep down, you know that gambling is a problem. It is often to avoid scrutiny, whereas scrutiny is what will save a person from developing a deeper problem.

happiful.com | December 2021 | 77

Hassan Akkad: My story, my words, my choice Syrian filmmaker and activist Hassan Akkad has documented his life story to date in his book Hope Not Fear: Finding my way from Refugee to Filmmaker to NHS Hospital Cleaner. Now he’s sharing the stories of others, so they can receive help and support, too Writing | Lucy Donoughue

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ilmmaker, author, and activist Hassan Akkad is a natural storyteller. He began his long and varied career as an English and social studies teacher in his home town of Damascus, Syria, and now, 15 years later, and after many seismic life changes, his students still contact him to share what they remember of their time in his class, and how they continue to follow his work today.

This brings Hassan great joy and he explains how, as a teacher, he relied heavily on the use of stories to engage and captivate students. Storytelling was already a life-long passion of his and one that began in his infancy as he listened to the tales passed down through generations, told to him by his parents and cousins.

As Hassan grew up, he started to consume and develop stories outside of his family circle. “I used to watch movies all the time, I still do, so that helped

78 | December 2021 | happiful.com

me know how to structure a narrative. Because I watched films, loved photography, and I was teaching, I had experience of all the elements that allowed me to create my own stories,” he shares.

As Hassan’s love of film as a medium blossomed, his passion for exploring the world and political landscape around him grew stronger. His urge to document and show others what was happening became so strong that when he was forced to flee his hometown of Damascus and seek asylum in the UK, via a treacherous ocean crossing, it was second nature to film his journey.

This pivotal chapter of Hassan’s life, the circumstances that led to his departure from Damascus, and his life after in the UK, have been chronicled in his book Hope Not Fear. Hassan shares his many journeys, the people he encountered, and

his subsequent work within the NHS, and activism during the worldwide pandemic.

Here, he explains why claiming ownership of his own story was crucial for him, how he’s developed a greater understanding of mental illness, and how vital connections are for supporting our wellbeing.

In Hope Not Fear you’ve told your story in your own words. What was the significance of this for you? I have experienced trauma, different levels of trauma. I feel like I should have full control and agency about how I talk about it, and what I choose to share. I was previously in a situation where I felt like my trauma was exploited for other people’s benefit, and that made me feel a lot worse.

As a person, I am way more than the traumatic experiences I’ve been through in my life. I’ve felt very empowered writing and publishing my book because I’ve

in with the new

had authorship and agency over what I’ve written and how much I’ve shared.

The other thing is that stories from the Syria region are usually told in the third person. There would be a writer, filmmaker, or reporter talking about us. With this book, I’m hoping to inspire people from the Arab world and Syria to have control over how their stories are told. I think that’s really important.

When I think about what gives me support, it’s having friends, a

Photography | Manuel Vazquez

community, a purpose You also shine a light on others you’ve met, to advocate for them. What motivates you to do this? I am driven by supporting other people because I have been supported by so many others along the way, especially in the past 10 to 15 years. I wouldn’t have been here physically if I wasn’t helped by the people I’ve met, who changed my life. Their kindness and generosity helped me to survive and carry on. >>> happiful.com | December 2021 | 79

I now feel that I have a big responsibility, I have a platform.

So that urge to tell others’ stories is also driven by my responsibility, by me checking my privilege, and also by my survivor’s guilt. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) and a symptom of this diagnosis is feeling guilt. So when the focus is on me alone, it’s very difficult for me to manage and I want to share how so many other people have been impacted and involved.

I want to shed light on their experiences, too.

You discuss mental ill-health and your understanding of it in Hope Not Fear. Can you tell us about the importance of sharing your own experience?

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I left Syria when I was 24 years old and imagine, up until then I had no education around mental health! There wasn’t a conversation around therapy, psychologists – none of that.

There was a stigma around mental ill-health in Syria, and there still is. The way we talked about the subject was awful.

I learnt about PTSD because a colleague of mine in the UK sent me a document about it. Just reading about the symptoms was really emotional. I remember crying so hard, tears were dropping on my phone as I was reading it and I realised it’s a thing, and it can be cured.

The reason I was so open about my own mental ill-health in my book was because I want other people to read it, especially other Syrians and people who have been through similar experiences, to know that there is light at the end of it all.

Alongside your work with mental health professionals, what supports your wellbeing on a daily basis? When I think about what gives me support, it’s having friends, a community, a purpose. Being in nature is also therapy for me.

Community is so very important, especially if you live in exile and if you don’t speak the language. A lot of people come here and they’re pressured to integrate, but how do you do that when you have baggage and you’ve been through so much?

Before you integrate, you need

to feel supported, whether that’s access to therapy or time spent with friends.

I want to highlight the importance of connection. It’s the best thing ever for me. My friends have played a really big role in helping me understand mental illness, too. I didn’t even know what depression meant; there were so many things I had no awareness of, and without my friends, I still wouldn’t know. If any of them are reading, I’d like to say thank you for looking out for me.

You mentioned that being in nature is therapeutic for you?

Yes! Swimming, wild swimming specifically, really helps my anxiety. When I’m underwater, I don’t think about anything else.

It helps me to switch off. I feel like the water works as a shield against my thoughts, and as long as I’m in the water I am the happiest person alive. I find it magical.

‘Hope Not Fear: Finding My Way from Refugee to Filmmaker to NHS Hospital Cleaner’ by Hassan Akkad, published by bluebird books for life, is out now.

Listen to the full interview with Hassan on Happiful’s podcast ‘I am. I have’.

food & health

Brew up: our guide to herbal teas With a humble teabag promising everything from a good night’s sleep to protection against colds, Jenna Farmer delves into the science behind the power of herbs, and the benefits that switching to herbal tea may bring

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rom ginger to peppermint, turmeric and chai, herbal tea has had a steep rise in popularity.

With many being caffeine-free, and offering numerous health benefits when compared to your average cuppa, embracing the herbal trend could be a healthy swap to make this month. As herbalist and naturopath Louise Westra notes: “Many herbal teas are a wonderful way of adding additional nutrients to our bodies.”

Let’s take a look at some of the most popular offerings, and explore why adding them to your diet may be a good idea.

Best for bloating: peppermint and fennel

A simple cup of peppermint tea is worth a try for anyone dealing with digestive discomfort, such as the bloating that often accompanies irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). Peppermint oil has been proven to help with abdominal pain and other IBS symptoms, making it a great after-dinner drink option if you’ve over indulged. Nutritional therapist Uta Boellinger explains: “Peppermint is great after a meal to help the digestive process and may reduce bloating.”

Another option to beat the bloat is fennel tea, which is thought

to relax your muscles (including those in the digestive tract), so it can act as an antispasmodic and help with tummy discomfort and flatulence. A study published in the Journal of Gastrointestinal and Liver Diseases found that combining fennel oil with turmeric brought a significant reduction in IBS symptom scores, and led to more than 25% of participants with IBS being symptom-free.

Try: Sweet Mint and Fennel ‘Digest’ Infusion Tea Bags, £3 (uk.ahmadtea.com) – a blend of mint, liquorice, and fennel to promote good digestion. >>> happiful.com | December 2021 | 81

Great for battling colds: echinacea or ginger

Do you always seem to get ill at this time of year? While it’s not a miracle worker, the herb echinacea may be worth trying if you want to decrease your chances of getting a cold in the first place. “Echinacea seems to be better at preventing a cold rather than treating it,” explains herbalist Louise Westra.

One study from the Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews found some types of echinacea could reduce the risk of catching a cold by between 10–20%.

However, if you’re currently battling the sniffles, ginger might be a better option. Known for its antioxidant properties, ginger is thought to help with everything from a sore throat to a fever, and the common cold. “Ginger is one of my most recommended herbal teas for colds and infections in general,” says nutritionist Uta Boellinger. “It’s key constituents possess potent anti-inflammatory benefits.”

Try: Twinings Defence Green Tea, £2.69 (twinings.co.uk) – a combination of green tea, ginger, and echinacea root with added vitamin C.

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Great for a good night’s sleep: chamomile

The herb chamomile is thought to help with everything from skin issues to ulcers, but its tea is specifically touted for its mild sedative effects – making it ideal for helping you unwind before drifting off to sleep.

“Chamomile is a good option as a herbal tea for sleep; it’s a mild tranquilliser or sleep-inducer, which may be attributed to a component called Apigenin – this binds to receptors in the brain that help to reduce anxiety and initiate sleep,” explains herbalist Louise Westra.

But does it work? Evidence seems to suggest it can

really help, with one study in the Journal of Education and Health Promotion showing that consuming it for four weeks significantly improved sleep quality, while another found it decreases the time it takes you to drift off.

“Classic chamomile really does the job – a great combination is passionflower and valerian,” adds nutritionist Uta Boellinger. “Both have a mild sedative effect so can be great for relaxation and also may help with insomnia.”

Try: Deckchair Dreaming Tea, from £3.30 (birdandblendtea. com) – a mix of chamomile, valerian root, and rosehip.

food & health

believe that Some experts actually make caffeine may e worse becaus period cramps d cts your bloo it mildly constri es cramps ak m flow, which ore painful seem even m

Best for monthly cycle support: rose and raspberry

While you might want to reach for coffee to help with period fatigue, some experts believe that caffeine may actually make period cramps worse because it mildly constricts your blood flow, which makes cramps seem even more painful. A good swap during this time in your cycle is rose tea, which has been shown to reduce menstrual cramps and the anxiety many get around their period.

Raspberry leaf is thought to tone the muscles of your uterus, which

Best for heart health: green tea and hibiscus

Who would have thought a cuppa could have cardiovascular benefits? A Japanese study found that those who drank five cups of green tea a day were 26% less likely to die from a heart attack.

“Green tea is well-researched and packed with a catechin called EGCG, which has been shown to have a positive effect for the cardiovascular system by improving circulation, potentially lowering blood pressure, and reducing LDL cholesterol,”

is why it’s often recommended in the final stages of pregnancy.

However, this may also mean it’s helpful for menstrual cramps and balancing your cycle in general. Raspberry leaf tea is also high in iron – which many find themselves low in during their monthly bleed – and has a diuretic effect that may also help with premenstrual bloating.

Try: Oh my Flo Wellness Tea, £6.49 (ourremedy.co.uk) – a blend of rosehip, raspberry leaf, and goji berries.

explains Louise Westra, adding that hibiscus is another good option. “It’s been shown in research to support healthy blood pressure levels.”

While these can’t replace all the other stuff we need to do to keep our heart healthy – such as following a good diet and exercising – they may be a good option for those working on their blood pressure and cholesterol.

Try: Twinings Heartea Infusion, £2.69 (twinings.co.uk)

There’s no doubt that herbal tea can bring real benefits, but it’s also important to remember that no teabag can replace a healthy lifestyle. “I absolutely don’t support herbal teas which claim to support weight loss, ‘burn fat’, or boost metabolism. There is no scientific evidence to support any of these claims,” adds nutritionist Uta Boellinger.

However, many herbal teas are a great way to cut down on your caffeine intake, and to easily incorporate the power of herbs into your diet.

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease and blogs about her journey to improve gut health at abalancedbelly.co.uk

Uta Boellinger is a registered nutritional therapist specialising in fertility and hormonal balance. Find out more and get further support at nutritionist-resource.org.uk happiful.com | December 2021 | 83

You are always a student, never a master. You have to keep moving forward CONRAD HALL Photography | Philip Martin

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positive pointers

HOW TO USE

TO S U P P O RT YO U R W E L L B E I N G Capture the wellbeing effect of this powerful photon, and let there be light Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

ost of us have experienced a shift in mood that comes with spending time in particular environments, but it’s not always immediately obvious what specific factor is influencing that change. That said, the chances are it could have something to do with the way that a space is lit and, here, we’re exploring how light impacts our mood, and delving into what you can do to harness that knowledge in order to make practical adjustments to your environment.

NATURAL LIGHT A favourite on home-hunting TV shows, natural light gets

a lot of hype, and for good reason. In a survey by the Harvard Business Review, 47% of employees reported that they feel tired or very tired from the absence of natural light or a window at their office, and 43% report feeling gloomy because of the lack of light – additionally, several studies have examined the way that artificial, fluorescent light can trigger our stress response. And if that wasn’t enough, natural light also boosts our vitamin D levels, can help those struggling with seasonal affective disorder (SAD), and even improve our sleep patterns.

Besides completely overhauling a space, mirrors

bring bountiful light into a home. You could also suggest ‘walking meetings’ to colleagues, arrange furniture at home and in a workplace so that it’s near to windows, and take breaks outside with mindful walks.

If you’re planning on getting out and about to soak up some rays, multiple studies have also found that doing so in the morning can be extra effective for improving our health – in particular for addressing depression, anxiety, sleep, and SAD. So, a quick walk in the morning, or even just stepping outside and breathing in the fresh air, could be a great way to start the day. >>> happiful.com | December 2021 | 85

ARTIFICIAL BLUE LIGHT Blue light is a high energy, highfrequency light that primarily comes from sunlight during the day, but is constantly emitted by LED lights and technology such as televisions, phones, computers, and tablets. Inevitably a staple part of our lives, it’s the artificial blue light that you should be relatively wary of.

Blue light signals to our brains to lower the levels of melatonin – the hormone that regulates our sleep-wake cycle. This disruption to our circadian rhythms can inevitably affect our sleep patterns, perhaps leading us to have trouble drifting off, or disturbed and restless nights.

Additionally, an imbalance of hormones can also impact our mood, exaggerating anxiety and depression.

This said, artificial blue light is sometimes used to help treat SAD – replicating the natural light we get on brighter days – and may be done in the form of lightboxes. It can also be used to help those who are trying to adjust to night shift work, and blue light therapy has even been used to support those with Alzheimer’s and dementia, with studies finding that when used in this context, artificial blue light can improve sleep, depression, and agitation in older adults.

Don’t get duped by popular blue light glasses (these glasses are targeted at people who work on 86 | December 2021 | happiful.com

computers, and claim to filter out blue light – unfortunately, they do no such thing), but do consider the ways that you come into contact with blue light throughout your day, and try to stay away from tech for at least an hour before going to sleep at night.

RED LIGHT If your mind automatically goes to ‘red light district’, you’re on the right track with this one, as a growing body of research into red light therapy finds that it has the potential to boost our libidos.

Studies into this phenomenon actually first began in the 1930s,

positive pointers

and since then have continued to confirm that testosterone (the sex hormone that gets those of all genders in the mood) levels can be increased with light therapy.

So, what is it about red light that is particularly effective?

Well, there are a couple of theories. Firstly, when the body absorbs red and nearinfrared light, it increases adenosine triphosphate, or ATP (a compound that provides the energy that drives the processes in living cells) which, in turn, increases energy and hormone production.

Another theory from a 2016 study by the University of Siena, in Italy, believes that light therapy blocks the pineal gland in the brain (a small gland that regulates some hormones, including melatonin), which results in the production of more testosterone.

On a more holistic level, red is the colour of passion and romance, power and seduction.

So it’s easy to see how introducing a dash of red into the bedroom can help set the mood for amorous activities.

BRIGHT LIGHT In 2014, a study published in the Journal of Consumer Psychology asked participants to rate the aggressiveness of a fictional person, the attractiveness of three women, and the appeal of a selection of spicy chicken wing sauces. What the

researchers found was that, overall, volunteers who were sat in a brightly lit room judged the character as more aggressive, the women more attractive, and expressed a preference for spicier chicken wing sauces.

What the researchers concluded was that being exposed to bright light enhances our emotions – both positive and negative ones.

Reflecting on what we already know about the ways that light can increase our awareness and energy levels, it all comes together to make a lot of sense – and you can see how in a brighter room where we are more alert, our emotions might also be heightened. Likewise, in a low-lit room, we might feel calm and relaxed, and able to deal with the things that come our way.

WARM AND COOL LIGHT In a similar way that bright and dim lights can affect our mood, so does warm and cool.

The warmth or coolness of light isn’t to do with the temperature, instead, it’s the tone – with warm light tending to be yellows and oranges, and cool light more white and blue.

Cooler lights have been found to make us more productive, and create a stimulating environment, whereas warm lights create a relaxed and welcoming space. It’s a technique that’s actually utilised in retail, with lighting regularly used to try to influence shoppers (think about cool-lit bargain-

BEING EXPOSED TO BRIGHT LIGHT ENHANCES OUR EMOTIONS – BOTH POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE ONES hunting stores that need to get as many people as possible in and out, versus warm luxury stores where browsing at your own pace is encouraged). Additionally, workplaces and schools often use cool lighting – though this could potentially be a contributing factor to fatigue.

Back at home, if you have certain spaces for activity (kitchens and studies) that would benefit from a spark of energy, you may opt for cool bulbs. Likewise, warm, relaxed living rooms make for calm and welcoming socialising spaces.

So, that’s what the researchers say about light and the ways that it can affect our wellbeing – now’s the time to reflect on your own relationship with your environment. What kind of space leaves you feeling energised, soothed, safe, and confident? And how can you adjust the light in your day to optimise your mood?

The benefits are clear to see, so why not provide yourself with some light relief? It sounds like a bright idea! happiful.com | December 2021 | 87

Things that don’t define you

Your job

Your relationship status

Your bank balance

Your thoughts

Your mistakes

Your clothing size

Other people’s opinions

Your mental health

Your number of social media followers

You are a wonderfully complex, multi-faceted, talented, resilient, kind human being – and so much more. Never forget that.

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The present is a gift When festivities become overwhelming, try these five mindful tips to reclaim some calm Writing & Illustration | Becky Johnston

1. Try not to focus on just one day Our anxieties can heighten during the build-up to a special event, then languish when it’s over too quickly. If you can, try to spread the festivities out over the week.

Not only does this make it more enjoyable, but you’ll have time to be mindful of your experiences rather than rushing, and dwelling on the next thing to do.

2. Take mindful walks Escapism at its finest, relinquish the cabin fever, and breathe in the crisp winter air. Sometimes that change of environment gives a much-needed moment of clarity thanks to the birdsong, crunching of frosted leaves, and the glistening winter sun emitting light and hope. Breathe and observe what’s around you; your mental space comes first.

3. Make time for yourself Despite Christmas being portrayed as a family occasion, the festivities are also for you.

You deserve time to rest, relax, and indulge. Sit back with a cosy blanket and hot cocoa, peacefully watching things unfold. Take up a spot of reading, crafting, or immerse yourself in festive melodies. It’s OK to slow down and enjoy the little things.

4. Stimulate the senses When the mind wanders, we tend to withdraw into ourselves, and overlook our surroundings.

Sensory prompts can make all the difference, such as twinkling lights to create an atmosphere of tranquillity. Or you could savour every mouthful, and what feelings the flavours evoke. Take a moment to be truly present.

5. Avoid expectations Everyone does Christmas differently. Just because the

conventional dinner is mid-day, doesn’t mean you can’t break from tradition.

Accidents happen and things don’t always go to plan – whether it’s overdone roasties, or the kids having an impromptu food-fight with the sprouts – but this isn’t the end of the world. In fact, those unique moments and deviations from the ‘norm’ often create the memories you’ll one day look back on with a giggle. happiful.com | December 2021 | 89

“We’re going to beat the winter blues with a daily walk this RED January.”

REDer, Claire Join thousands of people across the UK this January by moving every day, your way, to boost your mental wellbeing.

Sign up at redtogether.co.uk 90 | December 2021 | happiful.com

in with the new

The truth about

What does work-life balance really look like in the 21st century?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

‘

W

ork-life balance’, it’s a phrase we’re confronted with constantly when talking about wellbeing, but often it can feel beyond reach. Many of us know that mastering this juggling act will, supposedly, boost our wellbeing and unlock a new level of freedom, happiness, and resilience. But what does achieving that fate actually look like? And what are the realistic steps we can take to get there?

We speak to psychotherapists Priya Mishra and Allegra Vaselli, from the global educational organisation The School of Life,

to dive below the surface of this modern-day expression.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE CONTRIBUTING FACTORS TO THE POOR WORK-LIFE BALANCE THAT WE FACE TODAY? For those of us who have our basic needs, like food and shelter, wellsorted, we may have lost track of how to fulfil our higher needs, such as the search for meaning, need for intellectual growth, and emotional connections.

Consumerism seems to have separated us from the ability to look after our higher needs: we meet friends at restaurants and

bars which automatically includes spending money; we are told that we will create a special bond with people, including our family, thanks to expensive holidays; and access to higher education often comes with an eye-watering price tag.

So, unconsciously we have come to associate growth in our spiritual, emotional, and intellectual life with a cost. We feel we have to work more in order to access wellbeing, but the goalposts keep on shifting and, paradoxically, the more we work, the less time we have for time-consuming – but free – activities such as learning or bonding. >>> happiful.com | December 2021 | 91

WHAT ARE THE OBSTACLES TO ACHIEVING BETTER BALANCE? An increase in expectations around both work and home, especially for parents. Society today tells us we can achieve anything we want, we should pursue work we love, and we should find and express our true selves through that work.

While intensely liberating and encouraging in some ways, this can create pressure around the significance of our job.

John Bowlby explains in Attachment and Loss that an adult’s sense of self is built up through the relationships they had as a child. While parents have always known their primary task was to ensure their children’s safety and welfare, we now know for an inner sense of safety, a child needs to be set up emotionally, which is an ongoing, seemingly intangible task for parents. The definition of what we see as being a good parent has changed massively over the years.

Bowlby’s insights into child development coincided with the moment in the history of capitalism where governments began to fully appreciate the concept of competition, so societal expectations of what we should be at home and at work have increased at the same time.

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Add to this the technological advances that mean there are now few instances when one is legitimately out of reach, it’s no wonder we can feel pulled in multiple and opposing directions.

WHAT IS THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN WORK-LIFE BALANCE AND WELLBEING? We are easily misled or slightly off the mark with how to achieve a work-life balance. We work towards a goal, but sometimes

we are led to take the wrong path to get there, and end up at a dead end: the new sofa to watch TV did not bring us closer together, as it was pictured in the advertisement; the exclusive restaurant did not make us more sophisticated. If we understand what we’re really yearning for – be it to restore a lost connection with a partner or more acceptance of our body – we are then free to decide how to best address it.

in with the new

Societal expectations of what we should be, both at home and at work, have increased at the same time WHAT ARE YOUR TIPS FOR ACHIEVING A BETTER WORKLIFE BALANCE? 1. Be kind to yourself. If you’re struggling with work-life balance, remember this is an almost impossible task to ‘get right’, and it’s a problem much bigger than the individual – even though we as individuals have to navigate it. We happen to be living at a time where increasing demands and ambitions, both at work and home, have come into collision.

We are all imperfect human beings, and there can be a lot of relief in acknowledging that.

We can draw on psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott here, who spoke of the need for parents not to be perfect, but to be ‘good enough’.

This idea of ‘good enough’ is one we can apply to lots of different aspects of our lives – good enough is, after all, good enough.

2. Be curious about why things are the way they are for you.

Did you grow up feeling as if you were more acceptable to your parents when you achieved good grades? Has that translated into using work as an adult to define your worth? Or perhaps you learned that sacrificing yourself for other people is a noble way of being, and that thinking about

your own needs is selfish. If you find yourself dissatisfied in any area of your life, there may be unconscious drives and deeply held beliefs at play that are worth exploring. You may find that you carry ideas that belong to other people, or beliefs that are no longer useful to hold onto because they aren’t supporting your fulfilment. While finding worklife balance is a common struggle, we all have our own particular version of how it shows up for us based on our histories.

3. Reflect on your values. While we consider ourselves to be inherently free, we are shackled by the need to conform. This is especially easy when there are so many ‘shoulds’ that we carry from our families, and wider society, about how we ought to be and live, and we don’t have time to stop and question the plan. Many of us are better at executing plans rather than stepping back to evaluate whether the plans are the right ones. Within the system we find ourselves in, we each need to work out how we want our lives to look, and where we will find meaning.

Furthermore, advertising might sidetrack us and give us the illusion that we can ‘buy’ our way into fulfilment and balance, which locks us into a vicious circle

of working more and moving further away from reaching that balance. At the same time, work may be the healthy enabler to reach that balance: for example, we may find that a rather boring job would allow us to live by the sea, which in exchange would bring that balance in life that we were seeking.

4. Don’t look at ‘achieving balance’ as the Holy Grail.

Instead see it as a ‘balancing act’ that needs constant readdressing: it is highly correlated to your environment in that specific moment. For example, adding an extra training session may be beneficial if you have decided to run a marathon, while sharing lunch with a colleague might work better if, lately, you have been feeling isolated.

‘How to Survive the Modern World

by The School of Life’, available now in hardback, £20.00 happiful.com | December 2021 | 93

This is a wonderful day, I have never seen this one before

MAYA ANGELOU Photography | Olia Danilevich

94 | December 2021 | happiful.com

true story

Every picture tells a story It wasn’t until after she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder that Argentine photographer Magali realised that the symptoms of her mental health condition had always been there to see – in her work Writing | Magali Agnello

W

hen I was a kid, I read a lot, wrote stories, and drew a little. It was my dream to publish a novel, or a collection of short stories.

And then in 2008, when I was 14 years old, I discovered photography – without realising that taking photos would become like breathing for me. And actually, much more, because the bipolar disorder I was diagnosed with in 2017 was always visible in my photographic work.

Four times, I took a photograph per day for an entire year. I finished two of these projects, and two remained unfinished. They became a kind of intimate diary and a register of my mood swings, but I only discovered this after I was diagnosed.

In the last year of high school, in 2011, I had a crisis, sparked because I was so invested in photography that I started to fail my exams.

I was also in a toxic relationship, and had other troubles. But I believed it was an isolated episode. I didn’t know at that time, but my bipolar disorder had started to manifest itself.

After finishing school, I had a kind of sabbatical year, where I started working as a photographer, taking pictures in pubs. I also started my first ‘365’, but ended it after 222 days because I wasn’t feeling happy with the results.

In 2013, I ended my relationship and began a career in illustration. I became full of energy, slept little, had friends, went dancing, and dated people.

The next year I started my second ‘365’ photo project, which I finished and later exhibited.

Also, I had a lot of work and exercised a lot. I also started a variety of hobbies, but dropped them pretty soon because I would lose interest – having spent a lot of unnecessary money on them.

I guess I was low sometimes in those years, but I mostly remember the highs, because I thought that was the ‘real me’.

I was doing so well in my life that I was even able to pay for a suit of medieval armour for my next photographic project! I also discovered my true passion: teaching photography, and had my first students.

After two years as an illustrator, I quit because I found out that drawing was not my thing.

Then 2016 was the year when everything started to fall apart. I started my third ‘365’, but suddenly began to feel so low. I was tired all the time, and dropped activities I liked. It was hard to get out of bed to take the photo of the day. I even closed my eyes in the middle of teaching, not from boredom, but because I >>>

happiful.com | December 2021 | 95

You can view Magali’s project, ‘Symptom’, at: behance.net/gallery/104836455/Sintoma-Una-cronicaen-fotos-sobre-trastorno-bipolar

couldn’t help it. Some weeks were like this, and then in others I had energy and ideas again. Big ideas – I even thought I could be a photographer for Marvel, or start to sell photographs at ridiculous prices.

But then the lows reached a point where it was untenable. And the lowest point for me was when I started to have suicidal thoughts. I remember the week I started planning what to ‘get ready’ for when I was gone.

But when I thought about my pets (my three dogs, my cat, my rabbits, and my hamsters) and what would become of them, something clicked on my head. It hurt me more not knowing what their future would be, than did how I was feeling.

It was then that I told my partner what was happening in my head, and he suggested that I see a psychiatrist.

I didn’t want to go, because I thought that going would just get me sent away with medication.

But I couldn’t bear it anymore.

I went to some sessions, and was diagnosed with dysthymia (persistent depressive disorder) and was prescribed an antidepressant and a mood stabiliser. And I began to live again.

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Informing yourself and others is one of the first steps to eradicate the myths around bipolar disorder I couldn’t believe it. But five months later I had an episode, because I was without my antidepressant for one weekend. I won’t forget it, because I missed the most important day of my biggest exhibition so far. I was having withdrawal symptoms and I didn’t know it.

I went to see another psychiatrist to get a prescription, but he actually asked a number of questions and then said that he thought I had bipolar disorder.

Bipolar disorder? I didn’t think so. But after the diagnosis, I got new medication and started to feel changes. I’m self-taught in a lot of things, so I started to read a lot about bipolar.

The more I learnt about the disorder, and how it works, the less afraid of it I became, and the more tools I got, including the right medication.

I learnt to differentiate “me” from the disorder – that’s why I never say “I’m bipolar”, I say “I have

true story

bipolar disorder”, because it doesn’t define me, it is just something I live with.

I learnt the things that triggered me, and was able to avoid them or work through them in therapy. And I noticed there were so many myths and a lot of stigma around bipolar, so I started to dedicate myself to informing people. I gave speeches to institutions or media, and generated content for social media.

Eventually I reached stability. I’m conscious that I could have a relapse at any time, but I’m also more confident that I’m better prepared.

The curious thing was what my photos showed.

After diagnosis, I saw my work in a different light, and it was amazing how many of my symptoms

were present in my projects. How fatigue was so visible, or how hypomania coloured my pictures, with bright characters and ideas. I have started to compile them into one project, called ‘Symptom’, which you can find on Behance.

I’m now at a stage in my life where I’m how I want to be. And my dream from when I was a child has actually come true… I have published my first book. Not short stories, but a compilation of pictures – that are like short stories after all.

I’m sharing my experiences, and my art, with others so they feel less alone, and can learn about this disorder. It can be a long and scary path, of course, but informing yourself and others is one of the first steps to eradicate the myths around bipolar disorder and to help every diagnosed person to have the life they want.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Magali’s story reflects her struggle, and that of others’, to get a diagnosis. But in finally receiving this, she gained a better awareness of herself, her triggers, and symptoms. Slowly, she rediscovered herself, her ambition, and was able to utilise her creativity to reflect her true

self, to help and inform others.

It’s this deep understanding of ourselves, and our health, that can make all the difference in how we cope with a condition.

Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) counsellor

happiful.com | December 2021 | 97

An exercise in gratitude

A little thankfulness can go a long way – helping to improve your sleep, regulate emotions, reduce stress, and boost mood. Here, we share six activities to kick-start your gratitude habit

1. Put pen to paper Journaling might be the go-to gratefulness activity, but have you ever tried writing a letter of gratitude?

This allows you to focus on a specific person, and how they have impacted your life. Often these words of appreciation are left unsaid, but both you and the receiver can reap the benefits of sharing a thoughtful message about what they mean to you.

2. Bottle it up (just this once) Take a jar and commit to writing down three things that you’re grateful for each day that you can add to it. These can be as profound or simple as you like. Looking at the jar as it fills can be a heartwarming reminder on days when you’re struggling, and a treat to open up and read when you want a little refresher of all the wonderful things in your life.

3. Ditch the negativity for a day Spend one day a week where you actively avoid complaining. Spot those negative thoughts as they arise, and try to reframe things to stop them in their tracks. Rather than feeling frustrated at the downpour outside, think about how much you love the smell of the air following rainfall, or hear the joy of a passing child jumping in puddles.

4. A breath of fresh air Take a stroll outside to practise some mindful gratefulness.

You can focus on the moment, what’s around you – the sights, smells, sounds – and appreciate all the wonders of the world that we often take for granted.

5. Envision it For those who enjoy a more visual reminder of the good things in their lives, or who like to get a bit creative, why not try a collage? You could use photographs, or magazines, newspaper clippings, ticket stubs, and receipts from days out. It’s something you can continuously add to, and have in view when you need a little boost.

6. A gratitude talisman Whether it’s a bracelet that prompts you to think of something you’re thankful for each time you touch a bead, or a pebble in your pocket to grasp, there’s a lot of power in having something symbolic to act as a physical reminder to practise gratitude.

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