DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING
Nurture your growth
ISSUE 58 £5.99
THE BEAUTY OF BOUNDARIES Grace Victory on creating your own safe space
Discover the art of manifestation
Sparks will fly
7 powerful ways to tackle stress
Why is it that opposites attract?
Create your own vision board Reconnect with nature
Revealed Signs of sensory overload
Empowering reminders that can be worn everywhere.
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S O U L A N A LY S E .C O M Changing the way you speak to yourself.
Drop the plate
How are you? No, really, how are you? If the answer is emotional, exhausted, deflated, or demotivated, you wouldn’t be the only one. At times, it can feel like we give, and give, and give so much of ourselves, that we have nothing left. We have so many responsibilities, so many plates to keep spinning. What would happen if one was to drop? It would be the end of the world, right? But how accurate is that thought? Is it fact, or something we just tell ourselves?
Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge
Perhaps that plate is made of plastic, and it’s OK to leave it on the ground once in a while. Reassess what you can handle right now, and only focus on those indispensable activities – the best china you only get out for special occasions. We can’t do everything, all of the time. I’ll say that again for the people at the back. You don’t have to do everything, all of the time. Taking a step back, and listening to yourself and what you need, is not a luxury. The more you push yourself to your limits, the harder trying to keep everything in the air will become.
So refill that cup, recharge those batteries – whatever metaphor you want to use, it’s time to take care of you. There isn’t a magic solution to wellbeing, but, over time, that conscious decision to treat yourself, your mind and body, with the love and attention you deserve, will pay off. From the art of manifestation on p16, to understanding limiting beliefs on p72, and learning, on p88, how to take care of ourselves the day after anxiety strikes, we’re right here with you as you tunein to your needs, and discover how to put in the work to make it happen. Keep fighting for the person you will become. Your future self deserves you taking a chance, a leap of faith, and committing to positive change. You are worth the effort.
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REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR
I | @happiful_magazine
41
Holistic wellness 14 What is kaizen?
The Japanese philosophy that could help with your self-development
16 Manifest the best
What's the truth about this wellbeing buzzword, and how can we use it?
26 Envision this
Create your own vision board, that actually works
41 Crystal clear
The powerful way crystals could support self-care
82 Make meditation a habit Easy tips for beginners
Food & health 52 Plant-based pleasure Cook up an extravaganza
74 Eat for your chakras Find whole-body harmony
79 Tally Rye
On ditching diet culture
92 Treating PMDD
Are lifestyle changes enough?
Culture 8 Good news
This month's uplifting stories
Positive pointers
Relationships
22 Perimeters of peace
32 Limiting beliefs
Grace Victory on the importance of maintaining boundaries
34 The child-free choice 48 Affirmations for self-love 66 Digital carbon footprint
13 The wellbeing wrap
How much of a mark are you leaving with your tech?
25 Unmissable reads
85 Quality time with you
54 Things to do in February
The power of getting comfortable with your own company
Expert insight into their impact
57 The long-run
How to regain sexual intimacy in long-term relationships
61 When opposites attract Does it spell magic or disaster?
64 Spot inequality at home 72 When it comes to an end Tips from an expert on dealing with a breakup
16
Try this at home 28 Tailor-made
Tips to upcycle your clothes
29
64 True stories 69 Sawyr: Past the shame
Hair pulling and skin picking filled her with shame, until she faced it
95 Natalie: In tune with me
Connecting with an audience gave her the freedom to express herself
38
Wellbeing 20 Take power back from stress 29 Reconnect with nature 38 Spot sensory overload
Identify it in yourself and others
45 The power of hypnotherapy What to expect from a session
49 10 signs of adult ADHD
79
88 Day-after anxiety
Take care of yourself in the aftermath
40 Support those grieving 78 Mindful origami activity 98 Things I wish I knew sooner
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Expert review Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively. There are a number of ways in which we can maintain and enhance our wellbeing. There is no 'best' approach but, rather, an approach that works best for you. Meditation has been used for centuries as a means of connecting with the self and maintaining wellbeing. Head over to p82 to explore helpful tips on how you can bring meditation into your life. The power of meditation is simple yet remarkable, it can take us away from our busy lifestyles, and allows time and space to connect. This practice alone has great potential to improve how you feel. RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)
Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.
Expert Panel Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue
BHAVNA RAITHATHA BSc (Hons) MSc MBACP (Accred)
Bhavna is a psychotherapist, coach, supervisor, and trainer.
Our team EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Head Writer Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer
AMY REEVE
ANDY GILL
BSc (Hons) MBA NLP Dip Hyp
BA NLP E-RYT JSY500 AC BWY
Amy is a coach, clinical hypnotherapist, and NLP practitioner.
Andy is a therapist who uses coaching, hypnotherapy, and yoga.
Grace Victory, Andy Gill | Columnists Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor
ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product
THIMELA GARCIA
ALEX ALLAN
RYT 200 CIMSPA BABTAC
BSc (Hons) NT
Thimela is an author, registered yoga teacher, and certified holistic therapist.
Alex is a registered nutritional therapist.
Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator Tamlyn Izzett | Graphic Designer
COMMUNICATIONS
Alice Greedus | PR Manager
CONTRIBUTORS
CHARLENE DOUGLAS
SUZANNE SHENDEREY
BA (Hons) PGDip ILM
Cert Hyp CS PGDip MBBS
Charlene is a psychodynamic counsellor, life coach, and TV sex and relationship expert.
Suzanne is a hypnotherapist and integrative relational psychotherapist.
Vincent Vincent, Dr Clara Russell, Emma Johnson, Chelsea Graham, Katie Hoare, Suzanne Shenderey, Hannah Beckett-Pratt, Sawyr Benzley, Nikki McCaig, Shannon Western, Natalie Holmes
SPECIAL THANKS Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Amy Reeve, Caroline Silvestre, Alex Allan, Charlene Douglas, Thimela Garcia
MANAGEMENT
SHANNON WESTERN
RACHEL COFFEY
BSc MSc ANutr
BA MA NLP Mstr
Shannon is a nutritionist who specialises in disordered eating and women’s health.
Rachel is a life coach, encouraging confidence.
CAROLINE SILVESTRE
GRAEME ORR
BSc MSc Dip. MBPsS
MBACP (Accred) Reg Ind
Caroline is a CBT hypnotherapist with a interest in relationship dynamics.
Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.
HANNAH BECKETT-PRATT
CLAIRE ELMES
BSc FdA MBACP
BA (hons) PGDip MANLP MBACP
Hannah is a relational transactional analysis counsellor.
Claire is a therapist and life coach specialising in balance.
Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
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Nurture your growth
THE BEAUTY OF BOUNDARIES Grace Victory on creating your own safe space
Discover the art of manifestation
Sparks will fly
Why is it that opposites attract?
Revealed Signs of sensory overload
7 powerful ways to tackle stress Create your own vision board
HAPPIFUL.COM £5.99 | ISSUE 58
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Reconnect with nature
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The Uplift
ENVIRONMENT
Could this bee the solution we’re looking for? The bee population is under threat; it’s something many of us have lamented over as numbers decline. But, now, The Scottish Bee Company, a family-owned brand, has pledged to increase the local bee population by an impressive 20%, all in just three years. The brand is set on raising the population by working in collaboration with artisan bee farmers, and by launching Scotland’s first bee farming apprenticeship and charity – RePollinate – which hopes to create wildflower spaces for bees, and provide education
8 | February 2022 | happiful.com
and awareness. With all this under their belts, The Scottish Bee Company estimates it has already increased numbers by an incredible 23 million bees. Co-founder Iain Millar explains, “I’m often asked why we founded The Scottish Bee Company, and why we’re so passionate about bees and other pollinators. I respond with my own questions: did you have a cup of coffee this morning, or grab an apple for a snack? If so, you can thank pollinating insects, which are responsible for roughly onethird of the foods that we eat.”
“Education and increasing awareness is a significant focus at the moment,” Iain continues. “One of our missions is to shout as much as we can about the qualities of Scottish honey. More demand and production of honey means we can pour even more investment back into the work that we’re doing to support pollinators.” With a focused plan, awardwinning honey, and a ‘current bee count’ on their website where you can track the numbers yourself, it sounds like The Scottish Bee Company has got sustainability in the jar!
TECH
You’ll never walk alone Walking home alone at night can be unnerving – in fact, in a survey by the ONS, two in five men, and four in five women, say that they feel unsafe when walking alone after dark in a park or open space. But now, lifestyle and tech brand Follo has launched the world’s first fully-automated walking safety app of the same name, in a move to empower people to feel safer and more confident when going solo. The app is free, and works wherever you are in the world. As you walk, it monitors the user’s device until they reach their destination, focusing on four safety triggers – too fast (significant change in speed), stopped moving,
off route, and inactivity. It’s able to pick up on any unusual behaviours and, in the first instance, will send a notification to the user’s phone to check that they are OK, and if unresponsive will alert the user’s pre-selected key contacts with a message containing their last recorded location, the reason for the alert, and a link to guidance on how they should respond. Everyone should be able to go about their lives feeling safe from danger, and tools like this one are just one small part of the whole picture when it comes to addressing the underlying problems in our society. That
said, with this app, the tech firm is proving they’re not just talking the talk, but walking the walk when it comes to safety.
WELLBEING
Experts reimagine the ‘Kama Sutra’ for menopausal women According to a survey by the Menopause Experts Group, a massive 75% of women say that menopause has made sex less pleasurable, and 27% have stopped having sex altogether. And for those who are still having sex, many are having a lot less. But why is this happening? Well, it’s reportedly a combination of factors, including experiencing joint pain during sex, vaginal dryness and discomfort, and a general sense of body consciousness.
So, in a bid to help women minimise the issues that may be holding them back, the Menopause Experts have reimagined the iconic sex guide, the Kama Sutra, as The Calmer Sutra – a guide that highlights positions that may be more supportive of the needs of menopausal women. “Menopause shouldn’t mean the end of your love life, but sadly it’s not surprising that half of women have found that sex has become a lot less pleasurable during
menopause,” says Dee Murray, CEO of Menopause Experts Group. Of course, sex isn’t the be-all and end-all when it comes to intimacy, and Dee rightly points out that there are many other ways to be close to your partner and build trust in relationships, including holding hands, showing emotions, and cuddling. “Intimacy is also about talking and sharing things with one another,” she says. “It may just take a bit of effort and understanding from both sides.”
happiful.com | February 2022 | 9
FAMILY
The real reason kids love spending time with their grandparents… Children and their grandparents have an undeniably special bond, and in a bid to explore this special relationship further, toy retailer Play Like Mum surveyed 1,000 children aged five to seven, to ask them why they loved spending time with their grandparents. The results? It turns out, 47% of the little ones said that they liked spending time with their grandparents because ‘they make them smile’, 40% said because they ‘play games with them’, and a cheeky 35% said because they ‘give them more treats’! Considering the findings, child behavioural expert Laura Amies says: “It’s wonderful to see research that confirms what so many of us believe: that children love to spend time with their grandparents and vice versa!” She points out that the findings reinforce theories about what children require for development, with kids benefiting from high-quality interaction – something that is best done without the presence of phones, tablets, and TVs. “While there is, of course, a place for these items, and a need for all children to become somewhat computer savvy, first and foremost a child must be able to navigate the world around them, and those within it,” Laura says. “Grandparents anchor their grandchildren to times gone by, and therefore promote the most important aspects of childhood!” Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
happiful.com | February 2022 | 11
Take 5
Treat yourself to a break from the busyness of life, and spend a few moments indulging in some puzzling fun
Spot the difference
Cast your eyes over the two images below, and see if you can identify 10 tweaks made to the second picture – attention-to-detail is a must!
Anagrams
Unscramble the letters below to reveal the real words. Hint: we’ve got love on the brain LEVELS OF ARM CONE CITY MAIN AIRBEDS UNO SCEPTRE GALLEONS VAGUE
How did you do? Sea rch 'freebies ' at shop.ha ppiful.co m to find th e answe r s, and mor e!
The
wellbeing wrap A new UK law will recognise certain marine animals as sentient beings (including octopuses, crabs, and lobsters)
In an effort to show older staff how valued they are, Saga is offering a week’s paid leave to celebrate the birth of a grandchild. The new policy recognises the vital role grandparents play in the lives of both their children and grandchildren.
Community spirit
After seeing wheelchair user Ryder, aged five, battling the wind, rain, and even snow, as he waited for the bus each day, local students in Bradford, Rhode Island, built Ryder his own bus shelter at the end of his driveway.
Burn, baby, burn(out) In a bid to phase out smoking, New Zealand is banning the sale of cigarettes to anyone born after 2008
A recent survey by life company Juno discovered that 75% of people working in offices are considering ‘quitting or changing jobs’ due to burnout, a lack of work-life balance, and toxic environments. Plus, with 60% reporting bouts of low morale, it’s evident what really matters to modernday employees – and that workforces are in need of a real wellbeing revolution...
Spread the kindness The FDA in the US has approved the first-ever injectable treatment for HIV prevention
Banksy has offered to help buy the Reading jail where Oscar Wilde was held, so it can be turned into an arts centre
A good deed went viral over the festive period, when a stranger helped to raise £5,000 to house a rough sleeper in Reading. Harry Beardsley met 28-year-old John, invited him for lunch, and then paid for his accommodation for a few nights. Harry appealed for more support for John on Twitter, and boy did the platform deliver. With more than 40,000 likes, and 13,000 retweets helping to spread the word and raise funds, within a day John was able to secure clothes, food, and a place to stay until mid-January. The true gift is giving – as scientists reveal that giving presents can lower both your heart rate and blood pressure. Interestingly, receiving gifts didn’t have the same effect, so perhaps this is a sign to surprise someone you love – it could be good for both your hearts.
Thank you for the music
Particularly vinyl records, apparently, as sales hit a 30-year high in 2021, with an 8% increase on the previous year. Abba’s Voyage took the number one spot, followed by Adele’s 30, and Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours, as people still enjoy the crackle of an LP, despite the digital age.
Sharing a smile
An incredible philanthropic surgeon, based in India, has performed more than 37,000 free surgeries on children with cleft palates. Dr Subodh Kumar Singh has even founded his own hospital, where he performs the life-changing surgeries, and is a part of the Smile Train charity project to inspire countless others.
While other tycoons like Elon Musk and Richard Branson fight it out in the big space race, Bill Gates has shared he has no interest in going galactic –there are more pressing issues on Earth. He wants to get rid of diseases such as malaria and tuberculosis, and his goal for 2022 is to eradicate polio entirely!
Pick up a penguin
The pandemic has been hard on everyone, but those living in care homes have faced the challenge of being isolated from loved ones, on-and-off, for a long time. In an effort to cheer up residents and keep them entertained, a care home in Oxford celebrated an animal therapy day by bringing two penguins in. Charlie and Groot visited Richmond Villages, Witney, and brought many smiles, too.
What is kaizen?
Whether you want to kickstart your personal development, boost your self-awareness, or are just interested in seeing things from a new perspective, the Japanese business philosophy ‘kaizen’ could be just what you’re looking for
I
f you’re anything like me, the pace of life sometimes feels like it’s just getting faster and faster. Days often seem like they’re filled with relentless demands, and things to do. Being busy can be such a huge distraction that it’s easy to lose sight of what we really want from life, which can leave us feeling restless and unfulfilled. Luckily, there’s never been a better time to shake things up and try something new.
14 | February 2022 | happiful.com
Writing | Vincent Vincent Illustrating | Rosan Magar
The Japanese business philosophy ‘kaizen’ started life in the 1950s as a way to help make companies run more smoothly, but people are now using the same approach to transform their lives. When applied in a business setting, kaizen aims to make the working environment more efficient and effective by continuously reviewing how things are done, and methodically making changes. This is said to create a better atmosphere, stronger team spirit, and improve productivity which, in turn, leaves employees feeling more engaged and fulfilled – and sometimes even less tired! There’s much more to kaizen than improving job satisfaction, though. Kaizen – which means “change for the better” in Japanese
– represents a powerful internal process. Apply kaizen to your life and change becomes easier, you feel more motivated, and better at tuning-in to your true potential.
So what is kaizen? Put simply, this approach is based on the belief that making positive, gradual changes will lead to significant results. Kaizen combines two Japanese terms: kai (good) and zen (change). Incorporating ‘good change’ into our everyday lives, by introducing small but consistent improvements, can have a big impact over time. Kaizen isn’t a quick-fix approach to self-care and development – it’s a slower, more mindful practice, which makes it
holistic wellness
easier to apply. After all, changing things gradually is much more achievable than trying to change everything overnight. For instance, cleaning your teeth twice a day probably doesn’t feel like a life-changing habit, but if you didn’t do it you could be opening yourself up to all sorts of health problems. So over time, a relatively small habit actually has a huge influence on your overall wellbeing. Applying the kaizen approach works in the same way, helping us make big changes in our lives by taking small steps everyday.
Our personal growth is a continuous process, and kaizen helps remind us that we’re all a work-in-progress Harness your inner kaizen The kaizen mindset is based around continuously moving in the right direction, rather than reaching a destination. We can use kaizen to achieve goals, but the overall concept is that we never stop
improving. Our personal growth is a continuous process, and kaizen helps remind us that we’re all a work-in-progress. Plus, mindfully setting ourselves goals enhances our self-awareness and helps us live in the present. The first step in harnessing your inner kaizen is to start living with intention. To do this you need to connect with the person you want to become. Once you identify what’s most important to you, setting goals that really matter is much easier. So your kaizen journey starts by reflecting on what’s working for you. Next, begin by identifying small changes you can make. Bear in mind you don’t have to have all of the answers right now, you just need to feel like you’re moving in the right direction. Kaizen is all about gradual adjustments, so start small and see where it takes you. As you focus on the improvements you’d like to make, try to let go of assumptions, and be proactive and flexible about changing. Practising kaizen is a great way to remember you’re in control of your life. This mindset incorporates the belief that there’s a solution to every problem. So think creatively and remember to think small – slowly does it is the kaizen way. However life’s treating you at the moment, incorporating kaizen is a great way to highlight the good stuff, and remind us we don’t have to accept the status quo.
Simple steps – big results! 1. Set small, achievable goals every day, and take things step-by-step. That way, you’ll be moving forwards, and heading in a positive direction. 2. Break bigger goals down into achievable, smaller steps. This helps make anything seem possible. 3. Choose the simple solution, even if it’s not perfect. You can fine-tune things with more changes in the future. 4. Avoid using money to make changes – you can find solutions without relying on your wallet. 5. Focus on the present moment, and find at least one thing you can improve today. 6. Ask questions. The more you ask 'Why?' the closer you'll get to the answers you’re looking for. See what other people think, too. 7. Stay motivated by listing reasons why you want to change, and visualising how they’ll make you feel.
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16 | February 2022 | happiful.com
holistic wellness
Manifestation What’s the reality?
It was the buzzword of 2021, but what does manifestation look like in real life, and how can we use this tool to better our mental health?
I
t’s a wellness technique that has soared in popularity recently, with Google searches for ‘manifestation methods’ increasing by a massive 15,492% in 2021 – but what exactly is manifestation? Well, speaking literally, it means to bring thoughts into existence – so what does that look like in practice? “Manifestation can seem to some as quite spiritual, or even ‘woo woo’. I see it as something that all of us are doing every day of our lives,” says Amy Reeve, a life coach and clinical hypnotherapist who uses manifestation in her practice. “Take, for example, when you have a bad morning and the alarm doesn’t go off and you’re late, then maybe you are rushing and rip a hole in the top you put on. Many people would start to think: ‘Well, this is an awful day.’ Once we get into that mindset, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, as we will continue to manifest negativity for the rest of the day. Equally, think of a day when you felt like you were on
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
top of the world and owning everything; it likely started off with one thing going right and you thought: ‘This is going to be a great day.’ You manifested that great day, it wasn’t luck.” When you put it like that, it sounds pretty straightforward, and it’s no wonder that interest in manifestation has skyrocketed in recent years, when the obstacles we’ve faced in our daily lives have grown exponentially. Amy’s explanation also highlights some of the misconceptions about manifestation floating about there – namely that it’s a simple case of ‘ask and you shall receive’ – leading some to brand it it as ‘pseudoscience’. While there are yet to be any conclusive studies on manifestation specifically, what is supported by science is that believing you can do something makes it more likely that you’ll successfully do it, as is highlighted in the work of American psychologist Dr Carol Dweck, whose book, Mindset:
Changing The Way You Think To Fulfil Your Potential, dives into the power of our minds. When asked how manifestation can support our wellbeing more widely, Amy has a different take. “I’d argue the opposite: our wellbeing can support manifesting what we want in life,” she says. “If we don’t feel good about ourselves, don’t believe in ourselves, or don’t love ourselves, then our wellbeing may be low and we will be unable to manifest great things into our lives. If we focus on our wellbeing – be that growing our confidence, having a better work-life balance, spending time every day doing what we love – then we will more easily be able to manifest what we want from life, because we are in a place of strength, completeness, and contentment already. “Again, this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more we prioritise our wellbeing and choose to feel good, the easier it is to continue to feel good and manifest what it is we want from life.” >>> happiful.com | February 2022 | 17
Head to p26 for tips on making your own vision board
What’s clear is that manifestation alone won’t be able to solve all our problems – which is an important and realistic point to take note of. But by taking a 360° approach to our health, working in everything from nutrition and exercise, through to setting boundaries and practising self-care, harnessing the positive feelings from overall good wellbeing comes more easily. But, if you’re not yet at that point, it might be helpful to first try to take stock of where you’re at right now. 18 | February 2022 | happiful.com
Affirming the positive can literally change the way we think “Dr Wayne Dyer explained that manifesting is not about attracting what you want, it is an awareness and understanding that you attract what you are,” Amy continues. “So if you feel unworthy, incomplete, unconfident, or unloved,
manifesting in those areas will be extremely challenging. That’s why we need to start by working on our confidence, self-worth, and self-belief, to come from a place of strength. “When I work with clients who have low self-esteem or self-worth, I get them to write down everything negative that they perceive about themselves. We then turn those into positive statements, and the client reads them out loud to themselves in a mirror every day for a month. For example, ‘No one loves me’ becomes ‘I am infinitely loveable
holistic wellness
Give it a go Ready to try tapping into the power of manifestation? Here, Amy Reeve offers some tips: “Being grateful for what we already have is so important. Practising gratitude every day, by saying out loud or writing down five things we are grateful for, can be helpful. First of all, it puts us in a positive mindset for the day. Secondly, we cannot manifest from a feeling of lack. If we are so focused on what we don't have, we can never appreciate what we do have. The second piece of advice I would suggest is to get
and I love myself’. It may sound silly, but it works! Affirming the positive can literally change the way we think about ourselves. Once we get to a place where we feel good, manifesting becomes much easier.” Amy points to another example of a client who keeps finding themselves in toxic relationships with partners who are not good for them. Is the cause of this pattern because they are unlucky, or because their relationship with themselves means that they’re not in a good position to spot red flags at the
really specific on what it is that you want. Do you want a new job? Great! How much do you want to get paid? What hours do you want to work? What do you want the career progression to look like? If it's a relationship, what values do you want your partner to have? What type of life do you want to have with that partner? How much independence do you want from a relationship? Write all this down. Once we know what we want, it can be much easier to spot it when it arrives.
start of a relationship? Decidedly, it’s the latter. “It’s easy to see that if this client wants to manifest a healthy relationship, they first need to change the way they feel about themselves, in order to be able to manifest the relationship they desire,” Amy says. So, how can we manifest in practice? Well, you may want to start by simply setting an intention, thinking about the things that you desire – bearing in mind Amy’s notes on first understanding who you currently are – the ways that you want to
feel, and tuning-in to the details to assess what you might need to change in order to see those things become reality. You may also want to create a vision board, which is a good way to visualise the future that you want, and you can fill it with inspirational photos that represent the qualities that you desire. This is something you can get crafty with, by cutting out images from magazines and newspapers – or Pintrest is often dubbed the ‘virtual vision board’, and you can create as many boards as you desire, pinning the things that resonate with you, and sorting your boards into categories. Ultimately, every element of wellness comes together to create the full picture, and it’s never going to be the case that one single action will change a life. But bringing tools like manifestation together with other areas of wellbeing, will set the course of your intentions, and could lead to brighter things on the horizon.
Amy Reeve is a divorce and separation coach, clinical hypnotherapist and NLP practitioner. Find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | February 2022 | 19
7 powerful ways we can tackle stress
Take it seriously, and follow these steps for dealing with stress Writing | Dr Clara Russell
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s anything causing you stress at the moment?” It’s something I’ve asked patients hundreds of times during my work as a GP. Now more than ever, the ‘stress’ word is cropping up. We are frazzled – working from home, looking after elderly parents, managing a long-term illness, facing redundancy, or working long hours to keep our businesses afloat – and stress is on the rise. But, from my experience, there are seven powerful ways we can tackle stress. However, before we get started, we need to do the following:
Acknowledge Accepting that you feel stressed, or that stress is contributing to physical symptoms, can be hard. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you are feeling the pressure.
Know there is no such thing as small stress Our brains do not differentiate between big stresses and small ones, it just registers stress. Major 20 | February 2022 | happiful.com
stressful life events may prompt us to seek help if it becomes obvious to ourselves, or those around us, that we are struggling. But the ‘small things’ that cause niggles and linger in our minds can be harder to spot. Our resilience and ability to weather the day-to-day storms can be gradually impacted by these ‘daily hassles’.
Stop, look, listen We might be talking about stress more but are we listening to ourselves? Stress is dropped into conversation like talking about the weather, which can detract from the impact a build up of stress can have on us. Even my six-year-old son said to me recently: “It’s OK, don’t stress mummy.” Stress was not a word that I had in my vocabulary in primary school! The effects of stress are varied and may be hard to identify; disrupted sleep, snappiness, struggling to focus, or lacking motivation are common. These features can be easy to miss,
dismiss, or distract ourselves from, especially when life has been as hectic as it has been in recent months.
Stress is dropped into conversation like talking about the weather Our response to stress takes four stages: the initial event, how we perceive the event, our response to it, and the effect this has on us. The good news is that you can take steps today to combat and manage how you’re feeling.
The power of movement If you are an exercise avoider (like me,) you will always be able to find something more enjoyable to do than get active. But a mere 20 minutes of activity has been shown to improve our mood for up to 12 hours, so get moving and endorphinate.
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The power of forgiveness The Stanford Forgiveness project has demonstrated that forgiveness reduces stress, anger, and depression, and helps with feelings of optimism. It also supports our immune system, and reduces the risk of heart disease and chronic pain.
The power of connection Connecting with those we care about can have a buffering effect on stress. Supportive, positive relationships work both ways, and you can never underestimate the power of a phone call or a friendly chat.
The power of sleep Try to establish a winding down routine; you have a morning one, so invest in a bedtime one, too. Switch devices off at least an hour before bed, avoid caffeine after 2pm, keep your bedroom cool, and have a notebook by your bed to write down any worries, ideas, or things to do, that pop into your mind.
The power of kindness
The power of mindfulness and meditation Psychological research from Harvard shows our minds wander up to 47% of the time. Cultivating a mindful approach to the day-to-day routine helps us focus and be present. Regular practise of meditation has been shown to improve anxiety, depression, and quality of life, as well as maintain a healthy mind and increase wellbeing.
The power of gratitude Many studies have shown the link between being grateful, and elevated levels of positive feelings. Gratitude has been shown to decrease depression, increase resilience, improve sleep, decrease the risk of heart disease, and improve relationships. Taking time to express gratitude helps us slow down and focus on the present, and the positives.
This applies to yourself and those around you. In April of 2020, the Mental Health Foundation worked with YouGov to conduct an online survey of more than 4,200 UK adults aged 18 and over. It revealed that 63% of UK adults agree that when other people are kind it has a positive impact on their mental health, and the same proportion agree that being kind to others has a positive impact on their mental health. It’s a win-win. Dr Clara Russell is a GP and co-founder of nogginbrain.co.uk Follow her on Twitter @DrClaraR happiful.com | February 2022 | 21
Create your safe space: the beauty of boundaries Protecting our emotional and physical space is imperative to our wellbeing, but so often setting and maintaining healthy boundaries gets overlooked. It’s time to change that narrative, as columnist Grace Victory explores her own relationship with boundaries, and how we can all benefit from respecting them more...
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f there was a word to describe the key focus currently in my life, it would be ‘boundaries’ – in every sense of the word. Boundaries with myself, with work, with my relationships, and with my place on social media. A few months after waking up from my coma, the theme of ‘boundaries’ was staring at me in the face. This life-changing experience made me confront so many things I was running from relating to past trauma, and issues I needed to heal from my childhood. Personally, I’ve always found boundaries difficult – more so implementing my own than respecting everyone else’s. Other people’s boundaries are quite simple and easy for me to understand, but I’ve definitely had to learn to not take things personally, and that boundaries are how we all remain safe. Growing up, I learned very quickly that boundaries were something to be overstepped
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and disrespected. I watched men abuse women, dance teachers tell students to lose weight, and at 16 I experienced sexual trauma like many women do – my boundaries were ignored in the worst way. For decades I internalised so many of these events as “I do not matter,” “I’m asking for too much,” “I don’t deserve respect,” and “It’s not important for my needs to be met.” Now in my 30s, I’m really trying to unlearn all of this, and live a life that is more emotionally aware and stable. It is not bloody easy, but I’m showing up for myself and giving it my best shot. Thank God for therapy! Maybe you can relate? Maybe you put up with too much? Maybe you make yourself small? Maybe you allow people to treat you less than? The term ‘boundary’ essentially covers how we define acceptable and unacceptable behaviour within our relationships, and interactions with people
throughout our day-to-day lives. They are something that should be taught within our family homes growing up, but due to generational trauma they are often misconstrued, or not taught at all. Our elders may find boundaries disrespectful, or culturally inappropriate, but as adults we have to break these cycles not only for ourselves, but for our future children, too. Boundaries are our perimeters of peace, and they should be treated with great importance. They are consent, they are consideration, they are empathy, they are compassion, and they are our harmony. When developing more secure margins, and understanding the appropriate behaviours in order to sustain your relationships, the best place to start is your relationship with yourself. We often say “I’m going to book that doctor’s appointment today,” but come 6pm, the doctor’s surgery is now closed and you haven’t
Portrait photography | Krystal Neuvill
@GRACEFVICTORY
Boundaries are our perimeters of peace, and they should be treated with great importance sorted your appointment. This is a classic example of self-sabotage, and not being able to meet your own needs. Perhaps you keep saying “yes” to overtime, when you’re clearly already overworked, stressed, and on the verge of burnout, but it’s easier to peopleplease because of a subconscious fear of rejection. And you know what… I get it! Implementing boundaries can often feel alien-like, especially if you’ve experienced trauma, and/or you’ve never been taught appropriate boundaries. It actually might feel quite selfish
and unfair to other people in your life, but without boundaries we leave ourselves open to giving too much of ourselves; pouring from an empty cup; a sense of unfulfillment; less autonomy of our bodies; a loss of authority over our lives; and a distrust for our own intuition and the ability to make decisions. While there are some collective boundaries we can all relate to, and others depend on our individual needs, there seems to be one area in life where, across the board, our boundaries need some serious work: social media.
From following accounts that make us feel awful, to stalking your ex-boyfriend’s sister’s best friend’s grandad’s new wife. We’ve all done it. We’ve all been there. And we can all change it. Poor boundaries with social media can also look like offloading trauma to someone you follow but do not know, and commenting something sensitive on someone’s post. Of course, we may not know we’ve overstepped a person’s boundaries until we overstep them, but when we know better, we do better, and it’s imperative we have selfawareness when using platforms like Instagram. Whenever we choose to dive into self-development, and work on ourselves, we should also wrap ourselves up in compassion, grace, and patience. Changing, growing, and evolving takes time, and the journey towards better understanding of ourselves and others takes time. Our needs are all important, and it’s up to us to implement boundaries, honour our own and other people’s, and have the courage to speak up when someone’s actions make us feel uncomfortable. You are brave. Go out into the world and show yourself just how capable you are. For more on boundaries and wellbeing you can purchase Grace’s book, ‘How To Calm It’.
Love Grace x happiful.com | February 2022 | 23
Anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you MISTY COPELAND
Photography | Norma Mortenson
Happiful reads... From finding your focus to falling in love with yourself, we share four books you won’t want to miss this month Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
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t’s time for a brand new kind of love story. Nobody plans to turn 30 in a prison cell. When Nina hits rock bottom, despite her misgivings (why would a strong, sensible Taurus need a life-changing journey to fix herself?), a tatty little selfhelp book has her hooked. Her challenge? Take 30 bold steps in one year.
If you’ve ever felt your self-worth wobble, or found yourself struggling to get back on track, then this is the book for you. Charming, funny, and life-affirming, discover how to find your love for yourself all over again.
Thirty Things I Love About Myself by Radhika Sanghani Out 20 January
Book covers | amazon.co.uk
Must reads Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention by Johann Hari Out now Bestselling author Johann Hari uncovers the reasons why teens can only focus on one task for 65 seconds, and office workers spend just three minutes per task. Speaking with leading experts, Johann shares how our inability to focus isn’t a personal failing – it’s something that has been stolen from us all.
Find Me Among Them by Sisterhood Out now Exploring the topics of race, identity, and equality, Find Me Among Them is a collection of stories told by 11 teenage girls from Stratford, London. Created by the Sisterhood School, a programme focused on literacy and leadership, this anthology amplifies their experiences, narratives, and perspectives.
The Little Book of Vegan Bakes by Holly Jade Out 20 January In the latest must-try vegan cookbook, creator of The Little Blog of Vegan, Holly Jade, shares an array of mouthwatering, irresistible plantbased cakes and treats. With recipes ranging from simple to show-stopping, there are easy to follow step-by-step guides for bakers of every ability.
Your vision for
2022
Create your own vision board for the year ahead
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can safely say we’ve all heard of a vision board before, even if we’ve never experimented with crafting one for ourselves. But do you know exactly what it is, how it works, or how it might benefit you? While it’s undoubtedly eyecatching, and a fun crafting activity, there’s much more to a vision board than just aesthetics. In reality, a vision board is a manifestation tool to help you realise your goals. The truth is, putting pictures on a board won’t magically make things happen – you have to be willing to put in the work. But the purpose of a vision board is to
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Writing | Rebecca Thair
help you gain a clearer idea of what you most want in life, and to serve as a daily reminder of what you’re working towards. There is no set of strict rules for how you go about crafting this – it’s all about expressing your vision in a way that works best for you. Perhaps you want to think about long-term goals, and the bigger picture. Or maybe it’s a case of focusing on a specific area in your life that you want to pay particular attention to. Have a look online for some ideas and inspiration, but know that there’s no wrong way to do this. Make your vision your own!
To help you get started, here are six steps to create a vision board that actually delivers... What do you most want, really? Think big – what are your values, your big-picture goals? Where do you want your life to be in five or 10 years? To help you hone-in on this, ask yourself these questions: 1. How do you want to feel? This will help you focus less on possessions, and instead have an emotional connection to your goals. Perhaps you’ve seen a designer pair of shoes, or a luxury car an influencer you follow has posted online, and
holistic wellness
you can’t stop thinking about it. But is it the item you really desire, or is it the confidence walking in those shoes might bring you, or the excitement, freedom, and thrill of an open road? Once you identify what it is you truly desire, you can connect more to your vision – and make a plan for how to get there.
4. What can you conclude? Taking your answers into account, can you see an underlying theme? Could you sum up your aims with a word or phrase that emphasises the theme for your goals? Once you know this, you can explore all the ways you can work towards achieving this in your life.
2. Who do you admire most? Perhaps it’s their achievements, or their lifestyle, their tenacity, their openness? Maybe you envy the life of an influencer – is it the wealth that piques your interest most, the fact they are their own ‘boss’, or that they seem to be able to spend more time with their family? Once you understand what appeals to you, you can consider how you can work towards gaining this more in your own life.
Gather your thoughts. This is the fun bit: displaying your vision in a way that resonates most with you. You could use images or photographs (printed, or cut out from magazines), perhaps plane ticket stubs (if you’re longing for travel), recipe scraps (if you’re wanting to explore new skills), or quotes (potentially handwritten with calligraphy) – whatever conveys your dream best for you. Perhaps you could create an affirmation based on your theme word, which can be a phrase to reinforce your vision and include it on the board? It’s time to get creative.
3. What is your why? Asking this question, and repeating it, will help you dig deeper into your true values. Do you want a luxury holiday in order to relax? That may well work, but what else could help you unwind on a more regular day, and how could you bring more of that into your routine? Understanding your underlying motivation helps to create a meaningful vision for the future.
Put it in plain sight. Whether it’s a physical collage on a wall, in a frame, or a digital phone background, making sure you keep your vision board somewhere you will see it regularly encourages motivation – reminding you of what you’re working towards.
Understanding your underlying motivation helps to create a meaningful vision for the future The vision board is just the start… From there, you need to take actionable steps to make your dreams a reality. For example, if you want to write a book, set yourself a target of writing a certain amount of words per day, so you get into the habit.
Remember, your vision can change. You can keep adding to, update, or create new vision boards – or even specific ones for different areas of your life. This is a practice that helps you tune-in with yourself, and give direction to your dreams.
Acknowledge your achievements. Pay attention to those wins, no matter how small, and congratulate yourself for your progress. It’s important to recognise how you’re growing, to keep that motivation moving forwards. You’ve got this. For more support on manifestation or living the life you truly want, visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | February 2022 | 27
Chic ways to upcycle clothes Simple ways to breathe new life into your wardrobe Writing | Rebecca Thair
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hen it comes to our wardrobes, who hasn’t attempted a clearout only to end up stuffing the same garments back in ‘just in case’? The problem is we hold an emotional attachment to the item, so even when it doesn’t quite fit, or is slightly damaged, we can’t bear to part with it, but it continues to hang there, unworn and unloved. But there is a simple solution – and one that helps to reduce the UK’s textile waste! Mending and upcycling clothes can help you move towards a more sustainable future, saves you money, and gives your outfits a new lease of life – what’s not to love? Here are four easy ways to begin…
Keep it simple When you’re starting out, give yourself time to learn. Attempting to create an ensemble from scratch might leave you feeling overwhelmed and deflated. Instead, make small adjustments to what you already have – perhaps it’s experimenting with tie-dying, or adding some embellishments to an existing item. It could be watching a YouTube tutorial to fix a small tear, or updating buttons or a zip, to give your well-loved items a bit more longevity. 28 | February 2022 | happiful.com
Size is a must The power of a well-fitting garment can never be underestimated – when something fits like a glove, it can instill a new-found sense of confidence that radiates out from you. So why not raid your wardrobe for your old favourites, or even clothes you thought looked great on the hanger but don’t get the love they deserve because they’re just a bit ‘off’. Could you hem the bottom of some trousers to sit better, or take in a dress that’s lost its shape a bit?
Get creative When you feel ready to really challenge yourself, it’s a chance to get creative and revamp entire looks. Maybe adding a fabric belt to an oversized day dress gives it a fresh appeal, or removing sleeves from it gives you a new summer staple?
Fabric-ate something new Unpicking clothes to see how they were constructed can help you visualise the process better, if you want to take things further. These could form patterns for you to make your own pieces from the fabric of items you no longer wear.
Just keep stitching… For inspiration and ideas, head to: loveyourclothes.org.uk/ refashion-upcycle For sewing tips, patterns, and even workshops, visit: tillyandthebuttons.com For online tutorials, check out Professor Pincushion on YouTube: youtube.com/c/ ProfessorPincushion
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ways to increase your connection with nature
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Do you need a breather? Try these tips to connect with the natural world to promote better mental health Writing | Becky Wright
here’s a reason people say to take a walk on the wild side of life – spending time outside can increase our intake of vitamin D, as well as reducing blood pressure, muscle tension, and the production of stress hormones. Nature is unequivocally good for our bodies. But the benefits go beyond the physical; there can be a variety of mental and emotional reasons for wanting to step outside. Perhaps you seek the mental clarity of having green space around you, or the grounding effect of feeling your two feet firmly on the earth. It can feel like quite a personal thing – what we seek from nature – and, perhaps, what you look to gain from the natural world changes each time you enter it. But, in order to truly reap the mental health benefits of the great outdoors, we should perhaps focus our intentions more. It’s thought that, rather than the amount of time we spend outside, the quality of our interactions with nature is the most important factor (where our mental health is concerned). Feeling connected
with our natural surroundings is what we should be aiming for, for maximum benefit. So, how can we develop our connection with the natural world? 1. IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE IN NATURE, BE IN NATURE In other words, getting outside is the first step. To really take advantage of the time spent in fresh air, you have to focus on getting out of your head and into your body. In our busy lives, there can be a temptation to make our journeys as quick and timeefficient as possible. That might mean checking your emails while walking the dog, or catching up on a podcast on your cycle to work. Of course, productivity has its place. But could you benefit from completely switching off once in a while, and just being in the moment? Why not go for a walk and leave your phone at home, or at least put it on airplane mode? This can help you tune-out from a busy day, enabling you to focus on the present and notice what’s around you; the sights, sounds, and smells.
2. INVOLVE ALL YOUR SENSES Talking of sights, sounds, and smells, our senses are key tools in connecting to the natural world. One way to utilise them is to try the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique the next time you go out. Look around you, focus, and slowly take in your surroundings. Try to identify: 1. Five things you can see – the smaller the detail, the better. 2. Four things you can touch – it could be grass or a tree if you’re in a park, or maybe sand and water if you’re at the beach. What do they feel like? 3. Three things you can hear – birds, rain, wind. How nearby or distant are the sounds? 4. Two things you can smell – a bonfire, freshly cut grass, or the smell of rain on the pavement. Research shows that exposing your lungs to fresh air can help to relieve stress and anxiety. So, be sure to take a deep breath. 5. One thing you can taste – you might find that you have to use your imagination for this element. >>> happiful.com | February 2022 | 29
Rather than the amount of time we spend outside, the quality of our interactions with nature is the most important factor (where our mental health is concerned) 3. SEEK OUT NATURE IN YOUR ONLINE CONSUMPTION Getting outside is the obvious way to connect to nature, but it’s not all about the great outdoors. There are ways to access nature from inside your home, and even while you’re watching TV or on your phone. In fact, research shows that viewing photos and videos of nature online can impact our emotions just as much as being outside. In a study by BBC Earth, participants who watched just a few minutes of Planet Earth felt 46% more awe and 31% more gratitude than participants who watched other types of TV programmes. The research suggests that even brief engagement with nature content can lead to significant increases in positive emotions, including contentedness, joy, and amusement. So, the next time you’re stuck for something to watch, opt for a programme about the natural world (extra points if it’s presented by Sir David Attenborough). Or start following some inspirational accounts on social media, and turn your time scrolling into an experience of wonderment of the natural world. Some of our favourite Instagram accounts are @bbcearth, @forestryengland, and @earth.
Nature can help us to maintain positive mental health, or if you’re struggling with a mental health problem, it can be a great supplement to other types of support, like talking therapies or medication. If you’d like to explore how ecotherapy or walk and talk therapy could help you, you can find out more at counselling-directory.org.uk
4. ENGAGE WITH WILDLIFE Call us biased, but one of the best things about the natural world has to be the animal kingdom. If you’ve got a pet, be sure to make time for play or to spend time in their company. Not only will it benefit you, but it’s also great for their sense of wellbeing, too. If you haven’t got a pet, there are plenty of other ways to access the magic of wildlife. You could set up a birdfeeder and keep an eye out for robins in your garden, or even watch out for pigeons in your local town. Birdwatching is renowned for its mindful benefits but, if you’re not a fan of birds, there are a plethora of creatures you can look out for, and take more notice of – be it squirrels or bees. For more information about the benefits of nurturing local
wildlife, to find a nature reserve near you, or to volunteer for a conservation project, visit wildlifetrusts.org
ANIMAL MAGIC Animals offer many innovative ways of supporting our mental health. Animalassisted therapy (AAT) is a therapeutic model that incorporates animals to help with both physical and mental health conditions. Studies have found AAT to be particularly helpful for decreasing anxiety, depression, and isolation, while increasing motivation, feelings of being socially supported, and decreasing the perception of pain.
5. BE INSPIRED TO GET CREATIVE Many people find nature inspires them to create, be it through painting, drawing, photography, or writing. There’s so much out there just waiting to be our source of creativity, from vibrant and fiery autumnal leaves to the crunch of frost underfoot on a cold winter morning. Creative activities offer their own wellbeing benefits, as they give us a chance to develop hobbies and flex our artistic muscles – so there’s even more reason to combine creativity with our natural environment! When you next go for a walk, why not go with the intention of capturing your surroundings? You could take photos of five moments of natural beauty. Or you could try your hand at creative writing, noting down some sentences about what you experienced. happiful.com | February 2022 | 31
Andy Gill BA NLP E-RYT JSY500 AC BWY Andy Gill is a multi-modal therapist who uses coaching, hypnotherapy, and yoga to meet his clients’ needs. Find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk
What is a limiting belief ? Perhaps they started as a way to protect yourself, but now are holding you back; limiting beliefs can have a big impact on our life choices. Our expert columnist Andy Gill explores both the benefits and problems with limiting beliefs, as well as how we can rewrite the narrative… Writing | Andy Gill
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he dictionary defines a belief as “something that is accepted to be true”. When we consider what a ‘limiting belief’ is, it probably comes as little surprise then that it is something you believe to be true that is restricting you in some kind of way. Often, we can assume that limiting beliefs are bad things, but they generally serve our best interests, and those of the society we function in. For instance, believing that I should not steal another person’s property is useful to society and myself; it prevents me from committing an unlawful and socially unacceptable act.
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Limiting beliefs are created with good intention, to keep us safe and protect us. Our parents are naturally concerned for our welfare, and can pass on their anxiety and fear in the form of a limiting belief. Equally, a bad experience where we were embarrassed, shamed, or threatened might lead us to create a limiting belief that keeps us from having to go through experience again. However, the time when this moves from being useful or protective, to a problem, is when our limiting beliefs get in the way of us living the lives we want to live, or inhibiting our personal growth and pursuing our life goals.
For example: Henry is really excited by a new job opportunity at work. He really wants to go for a new role, but this role would require him to speak in public. Henry believes that if he has to speak publicly he will fail, which will result in the embarrassment and shame of failure (and the loss of his new job). It stops him from applying for the role, thus sparing him the pain and suffering that he believes will inevitably come if he takes the job. A bad experience at school led Henry to this belief. He had to recite a poem in front of class, stumbled, lost his words, and, in his eyes, failed. His teacher gave him a bad grade, and his
EXPERT COLUMN
Working with our limiting stories 1. Does this story serve me? For Henry, his fear of public speaking stems from a narrative that may no longer be helpful or relevant to his life now. Clients approach me to work on their limiting beliefs when they have reached a point in their lives where they are no longer willing to suffer the consequences of holding on to them.
classmates made fun of him. He created a limiting belief to protect him from experiencing the same pain in the future. Working with (and overcoming) limiting beliefs requires us to confront and challenge something that has become ‘true’ for us. When we accept a limiting belief as ‘true’ it is very hard to dispute, challenge, or change it. As a coach, I work with my clients to loosen the hold of these ‘truths’. I get them to think of limiting beliefs as personal
stories, because a story is a narrative that may not be true. What if it is made up, what if it isn’t true? If my clients can hold the possibility that their limiting beliefs are instead ‘limiting stories’, then it becomes easier to question and challenge them, and rewrite the stories to help them grow and thrive! Can you hold the possibility that you can learn to (re)write your own life story? How powerful might that be in transforming your life?
2. Is this story still true for me? Henry was much younger when he wrote his story about public speaking. He now has a wealth of knowledge and life experience that he didn’t have as a child, so surely the story would have a different ending now? I encourage clients to carry out experiments to test their stories; the outcomes rarely match the disasters that we fear. For Henry, I would work with him to create public speaking experiments that he could start in a low-risk environment with friends, to test the reality of his story. 3. Write a new story. You will need a new narrative to replace the old one. If Henry chooses to believe that public speaking is something he can do, then he will become motivated to learn the skills to master it. He can grow into a new, more empowering story, and he can apply for that new job!
happiful.com | February 2022 | 33
Choosing to be child-free:
Why our stories need to be heard Becoming a parent is a big choice, and there shouldn’t be shame whatever we decide. So why do women who choose to be child-free so often face questioning, accusations, and stigma? Writing | Kat Nicholls
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hen my sister and I were children, we had different tastes in toys. She begged for baby dolls and prams, while I longed for stuffed animals. She wanted to play ‘mummies and daddies’, while I pranced around pretending to be a cat. Guess which one of us now has a child? It wasn’t until I heard a similar story being told on the ‘We Are Childfree’ podcast that I realised my lack of desire to have children was, potentially, always there. In my teens and 20s I was ambivalent, assuming I’d decide later, but when I turned 35 last
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year, I figured I should give it more serious thought (biological clock warnings ringing loud in my ears). Discussing the subject with my partner throughout, it didn’t take too long for us both to come to the conclusion that having children is not for us. Being comfortable talking about the decision openly, however, took a little longer. This was when I discovered the ‘We Are Childfree’ podcast. Hosted by photographer Zoë Noble, the show shares stories of child-free people around the world, looking into the
multifaceted reasons why some of us decide to be child-free, the stigma and misconceptions attached, and the need for changing attitudes towards this. Listening to the podcast, I felt a wave of relief. I wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t a ‘bad’ woman for not wanting kids. “I know that, for me, I’ve always been like this,” Zoë says. “There’s no big conspiracy. I just don’t want children – to me it’s like asking, why do I like the colour blue? It’s simply who I am. So I knew that I could maybe change the way people view child-free women in particular, because it’s women
positive pointers
who face this judgment and stigma more than men, for sure.” We only need to look at the constant barrage of speculation and questioning actors like Jennifer Anniston get in contrast to their male counterparts to see how accurate this is. The catalyst for wanting to share stories from fellow child-free women came during a taxi ride where the driver expressed his shock that Zoë was married, but didn’t want kids.
Listening to the podcast I felt a wave of relief. I wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t a ‘bad’ woman for not wanting kids
Photography | Zoe Noble
“For that whole drive he was determined to try to persuade me to change my mind, and I was just so frustrated with that process. I knew then that there was a disconnect between what people think child-free people are, and what we actually are.” >>> happiful.com | February 2022 | 35
We don’t need to earn our keep on this planet. We don’t need to produce, produce, produce, to be somehow valuable to society Looking to address this disconnect, Zoë started a photography project, photographing child-free women at her home studio in Berlin. When the pandemic hit, her approach needed to change and this is when the podcast came to life, allowing her to speak to people around the world without limitations. Speaking with a diverse range of people from different countries and cultures was integral for the project, as Zoë notes a statistic from the United Nations Population Fund’s 2021 State of World Population report that says in countries where data is available, only 55% of women are fully empowered to make their own choices over healthcare, contraception, and the ability to say yes or no to sex. As well as sharing these necessary stories, the podcast advocates for women’s rights: our right to bodily autonomy, and our right to choose. This is about highlighting the struggles so many face, and breaking down stigma, one conversation at a time. 36 | February 2022 | happiful.com
One misconception I see regularly in regards to child-free women is that it’s a ‘selfish’ act, and that we aren’t ‘contributing’ to society. “People who are thinking about themselves are not selfish,” Zoë says. “I would say we are the opposite of that. We are thinking about not only ourselves, but the life of a possible child.” Zoë goes on to explain that there are multiple reasons someone may choose not to have a child, including prioritising their mental and physical health. One woman from the project decided not to have children after struggling with eating disorders for 10 years. Finally at a place where she was happy in recovery, she realised that having a child could un-do this progress and, for her, it simply isn’t worth her putting her body and mind through it. “We don’t need to earn our keep on this planet. We don’t need to produce, produce,
produce, to be somehow valuable to society,” Zoë reminds us. The reality is that we are valuable just as we are. And, in fact, due to our decision to be child-free, many of us have more time, energy, and financial means to volunteer, support communities and be there for others. There are so many ways we can nurture and pass on our learning to others without having to have children of our own. As an auntie, I can already see how wonderful it is to have children in my life I can support, without compromising my own needs and desires. Zoë also points out that as well as supporting nieces and nephews, we can be in a great position to throw out a life-line for parents who may be struggling. If you’re reading this and thinking, what if I just don’t know if I want kids? You’re not alone. Zoë notes that ambiguity is a big issue in the child-free community, and there’s nothing wrong with not knowing. What is important is to really check-in with your own wants and desires.
positive pointers
“I think a lot of people are actually getting confused about their own desires, because we don’t give people the tools to decide what they should want in their lives. We set them off on a path where you get the job, you get the partner, the house, the child, and then you retire, and that’s it. Instead, we need to
empower people to really think about what matters to them, what is their personality? What do they love? What do they not love? Those are important questions that you need to ask yourself.” Zoë also suggests, where possible, to try looking after children for an extended period of time (think a few days, not a
few hours) to get a clearer idea of what parenthood could look like. The view of parenthood we see can sometimes be sterilised, as it sits in an environment where parents can feel judged for admitting they’re struggling. Promoting honesty in this realm would not only help those deciding if it’s right for them, but it would help parents know they’re not alone and they’re doing an incredible job. Being a parent is hard work, and I have so much admiration for those who do it. I see the joy it brings my loved ones, and that is an incredible thing. Knowing it wouldn’t be the same for me, and admitting that… is also an incredible thing. “There are no guarantees in life,” Zoë adds. “But one thing is for sure, if you can truly choose the life path that you want, you have a far better chance of being happy – that I am sure of.” Visit wearechildfree.com to learn more about the podcast and growing community. happiful.com | February 2022 | 37
F ive si gns of s e n s o r y over loa d in a d ul ts For those with a sensory processing disorder – or ADHD, PTSD, and autism – sensory overload can be a difficult thing to live with. Here, writer Emma Johnson describes her experience, and shares tips for spotting signs in yourself and others
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ver-stimulation may not be very obvious from an outsider perspective – and, having ADHD, sometimes even I have trouble spotting the signs from the inside, too. But many adults with ADHD, autism, or PTSD can experience discomfort or feel extremely overwhelmed when exposed to certain sensory triggers. These can include: • Excessive noise • Intense or flashing lights • Crowds or close contact with groups of people • Textures of food, or clothing irritating skin • Overpowering scents such as perfumes Here, I will describe five common signs of sensory processing disorder (SPD) that I experience, and share how I avoid and ease feelings of over-stimulation. Familiarising yourself with these examples may help you recognise them in yourself or others, and could help avoid symptoms escalating into an anxiety attack.
38 | February 2022 | happiful.com
Irritability and disproportionate emotional reactions
I work in a busy retail environment, which means my brain is regularly trying to process several things at once. Trying to deal with loud noises, several people talking to me at once, all while working on the checkout, can be very stressful, and sometimes overwhelming. This can quickly become externalised as frustration and anger. Feeling too warm, sweating, or overreacting to situations, can also be a sign I’m over-stimulated. Removing myself to somewhere calmer usually helps to diffuse my discomfort.
Body-focused repetitive behaviours
BFRB can involve hair-pulling, nail-biting, skin picking, and knuckle cracking, to name a few. These types of symptoms can become quite disruptive for the people around me, but I may not even notice them. While my brain is trying to process
all of the external sensory information I’m receiving, I may unconsciously use this as an outlet. These habits can prove exhausting, and sometimes harmful. To channel this into a less damaging habit, I have a fidget spinner ring that I wear. Instead of picking my skin, or being perceived as rude or impatient with my finger tapping, I now spin my ring. Fidgets are available in many forms, however I chose this one as I can keep it with me at work.
Loss of, or shift in, focus
In some cases, my attention involuntarily shifts to something that is making me mildly uncomfortable. Most people can do their best to ignore irritants such as itchy tags, or uncomfortable materials in clothing, but once I’ve noticed it, it’s all I can think about. This can make staying on task particularly difficult, and highlights the varied and often unnoticed information we are processing, even if we don’t particularly pay it much mind.
A solution I use is to wear longsleeved cotton tops under my uniform or clothes. Identifying clothing that feels uncomfortable and changing it can have a surprisingly big impact on your mood.
Anxiety attacks
If I spend a prolonged amount of time in an over-stimulating situation, it can lead to an anxiety attack. Outer signs for anxiety vary from person to person, however common and noticeable indications are: • Sweating and/or flushed appearance • Heavy breathing • Feeling lightheaded or dizzy • Feeling overwhelmed by or ‘disconnected’ from your surroundings • Shaking If things escalate to this point, I will find somewhere quiet to sit and calm down. Being given a glass of water and a few minutes alone, while knowing there are people not far away if I need anything, is the most help I like to be given. However some people prefer having the comfort of friendly conversation – once again, it depends on the individual. Communication is extremely important with regards to mental health, and if you’re unsure, it’s never impolite to simply ask, “How can I help you?” Emma is a writer specialising in ADHD and mental health. Visit emmafirefly.wordpress.com
If I spend a prolonged amount of time in an over-stimulating situation, it can lead to an anxiety attack happiful.com | February 2022 | 39
Things to say to someone who is grieving
When someone you love is recently bereaved, it can be difficult to know what to say. Here are some simple messages to help you reach out, and let them know you’re there for them… I know you’re going through a really hard time right now, so wanted to check-in. Is there anything you need help with?
They were so special, and I know that there’s such a big hole that they’ve left behind. Words can’t express how sorry I am that this has happened
Whenever you need me, I’m a phone call away You don’t have to talk, but if you want some company let me know
I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now, but know I’m here for whatever you need
More than words
You can also show your support by:
Your [X] was a wonderful person, and they’ll be truly missed There are no words right now, but know I’m so sorry for your loss 40 February 2022 | happiful.com
• Just being there to listen. • Giving a hug (where safe and possible). • Sharing your favourite memory of their loved one, or a photo if you have one (where appropriate). • Asking them to tell you more about them – your friend may need to talk about what’s happened, or they may want to simply discuss stories and memories of their person.
Crystals for self-care
Moon mentor, meditation teacher, and friend of Happiful Kirsty Gallagher shines a light on the immense self-care benefits of working with crystals, and how they can help us realign and find time for our true selves in a hectic world Writing | Lucy Donoughue
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o be honest, crystals found me before the moon found me,” Kirsty Gallagher beams as she shares the experiences that led her to write her most recent book, Crystals for Self-Care. “I’ve been working with crystals for about 20 years. My best friend recently reminded me that even when she first met me, around 16 years ago, and I was working in a corporate environment, I was surrounded by crystals. I always carry a crystal; I wear one and my house is filled with them.” Until recently, Kirsty has spoken predominantly about lunar living, and sharing her vast knowledge surrounding the cycles of the moon. However, after incorporating snippets of information about crystals in her teachings, she came to realise that many people were deeply
interested in working with them, but didn’t know where, or how, to begin. This was the catalyst for Kirsty’s latest venture. “One of my biggest passions is to make what’s mystical, what’s ‘woo’, and what’s spiritual into something real and relatable, so we can bring it into our day-today lives and harness the power it has,” she enthuses. Here, Kirsty shares practical tips on how to work with crystals, as well as the importance of rituals and setting intentions.
Understanding crystals Crystals are like little gifts from Mother Earth. Like living by lunar cycles, or following the flow of nature, crystals come to help us in our evolution as humans. Everything in the world is made up of energy, including our thoughts and emotions. As
humans, we tend to be in a state of flux; we pick up on other’s energy, we give our energy away, but a crystal will hold a stable energetic vibration. So, for example, if we have anxious thoughts and our mind is racing, then it’s believed that working with a crystal like sodalite could help. Sodalite will carry an energetic resonance with that issue, so when we hold it and breathe with it, it helps to realign us. Crystals help to bring us back into awareness and balance.
Choosing your crystals I believe that crystals choose us, but if you’re just starting out, I would suggest that you feel into what you want the crystal for, and pick a piece based upon that – as mentioned with the example of sodalite for anxiety. Eventually, >>> happiful.com | February 2022 | 41
Crystals for... Self-love Rose quartz is the crystal of universal love. It is believe to work with you in all matters of love, but most of all selflove. It has a beautiful loving, nurturing, mothering energy that can encourage you to look after yourself. Personal power Yellow crystals can bring us into our solar plexus chakra, that place of our personal power. They remind us of joy, light, life, and all those good things. Citrine is an amazing power and manifestation crystal, which is believed to help attract abundance into your life. Sunstone could give you a sense of inner sunshine, like a warm light turning on. Confidence Tiger’s eye is an incredible crystal for self-belief, confidence, courage, bravery, and those moments that we really need to back ourselves. Grounding Tourmaline is helpful for grounding yourself, for feeling held, and a sense of safety. 42 | February 2022 | happiful.com
holistic wellness
when you get used to trusting your intuition, you’ll be led to the right crystal for you. It might be that you’re called to a particular colour, or a crystal feels more aligned or warm to you. However, crystals – like humans – work best when they have a purpose and a job to do. It always helps to have an intention when you choose yours.
and ask it to keep you calm and centered throughout the day. Carrying a crystal around with you or wearing a crystal is also a brilliant way to connect with them. They’re like little touchstones for those moments when you start to feel yourself worrying or spiralling. It’s almost like holding hands with a friend.
Crystals calling After a while, you’ll start to get drawn to certain crystals you have, as if they are telling you what you need and where you are going off course. The more time you spend with your crystals, the more they support you.
Working with your crystals Working with crystals in your meditation practices can be very powerful. It also allows for them to impart their wisdom when we go into those quieter states. If you are meditating with crystals, it’s about trusting that if you’re working with them for support, answers or advice, that the energy will come through in the moment that you need it. You can also very simply hold your crystal, consciously once a day, perhaps before you leave the house in the morning. Connect with the energy of the crystal,
For that time you’re working with your crystal, you’re giving yourself permission to focus on what you need. That in itself becomes a radical act of self-care
I believe that we have so many routines in life and very few rituals any more, because we rush from one task and routine to the other. The moments to pause and connect get lost. If we can take the work we do with crystals as an act of selfcare, in that moment nothing else matters but you. It might be that you’re using the crystal for heartbreak, to gain more confidence, to quiet your mind, or manifest something new into your life, but for that time you’re working with your crystal, you’re giving yourself permission to focus on what you need. That in itself becomes a radical act of self-care, which will hopefully then move into more areas of your existence as you begin to reconnect, and realise where you’re being pulled out of balance and alignment. That one act of self-care ripples out into so many aspects of your life.
Crystals and self-care Even if you take two minutes, or 10 long slow deep breaths, in the time you’re connecting with your crystal, you’re taking care of yourself. You’re giving yourself what you need. You are checking where you’re out of alignment, and you’re consciously working with the energy of the crystals to bring yourself back into that energetic state.
‘Crystals for Self-Care’ by Kirsty Gallagher (Hodder & Stoughton, £14.99) is out now. Follow Kirsty on Instagram @kirsty_gallagher_ happiful.com | February 2022 | 43
Your wellbeing must never become an afterthought. It must be your first act RASHEED OGUNLARU Photography | Brooke Cagle
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wellbeing
Delving into the subconscious Proven to be an effective tool for those experiencing anxiety and IBS, we explore the origins of hypnotherapy, and what hypnosis is really like Writing | Suzanne Shenderey
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olly, a 19-year-old university student, became paralysed with fear as she went home for dinner. The anxiety began to build as she approached her parent’s house, and would not abate until the meal was cleared away. She suffered from a phobia of being sick. What if her mother had not been diligent enough cleaning the kitchen? What if she had touched raw chicken, and transferred it to the surfaces? Over the years, the thoughts had become more intrusive, to the point where even the idea of raw meat in the fridge caused a sleepless night for Polly. She had to do something about it. That’s when she called me. Like many clients, Polly started by saying this was her last resort.
The reality is that hypnotherapy is not usually the first choice for a lot of people – most have tried a number of interventions already. Hypnosis as a healing tool has been seen in many cultures for centuries; ancient relics from Egypt depict something similar to hypnosis. Recounting the history of hypnosis in his book, Hidden Depths: The Story of Hypnosis, Robin Waterfield describes practices resembling the trance state used by Aboriginal Australian, Native American, and Hindu cultures. But in reality, these practices bear little resemblance to my work. The therapeutic use of hypnosis began in the 18th century, when Franz Anton Mesmer popularised a technique involving magnets – it’s actually from him that we
get the word ‘mesmerised’. Later, pioneers realised that words were enough to induce a trance. The term ‘hypnosis’ was coined by English doctor James Braid in 1840, and is derived from Hypnos, the Greek god of sleep. Milton Erickson, practising at the same time as psychologist Carl Rogers, developed hypnotherapy as we know it today. Like Rogers, Erickson used empathy, genuineness, and unconditional positive regard to engage with his clients. He moved away from the use of direct suggestions to a more permissive style. If you ask people to describe hypnosis, you would get a wide variety of answers. For many, their only experience is something seen on stage, or in an episode of Scooby Doo, but there >>> happiful.com | February 2022 | 45
The beauty of hypnotherapy is the ability to be creative
46 | February 2022 | happiful.com
are no swinging pocket watches, or swirling circles to stare into. In fact, all I do is talk to my clients. As with all forms of therapy, hypnotherapy is a collaborative process, and the relationship is key. Without the trust of my client, their desire to change and their willingness to work with me, hypnotherapy will not be successful. Hypnotherapy works best when tailored to clients, so I spent an hour getting to know Polly. It also works well for processes that are seemingly unconscious and irrational. In this instance, Polly knew that the chicken her mother prepared was fresh, and the standard of kitchen hygiene was high, but some part of her just didn’t believe it, and this part was sending her powerful messages of fear. Sometimes clients are able to identify the origins of their fears, but not always. Polly remembered the whole family developing food poisoning when she was very young. From that point forward, the thought of being sick filled her with feelings of dread. Ironically, these feelings of panic and anxiety would also make her feel sick. In order to address this fear, a hypnotherapist can help the client enter a trance state, as people become more suggestable in trance – an altered state of consciousness, and something we naturally experience. If you have ever been in a meeting and
To learn more about hypnotherapy visit hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk
drifted off into a daydream, only to be brought back by someone asking you a question, you will know what it feels like. In hypnotherapy we deliberately induce this state to access the subconscious mind. Once I establish a rapport with my client, I use a script to induce hypnosis. There are many different types of hypnotic induction, often involving relaxation – some are lengthy and others rapid. The majority of people can be hypnotised as long as they are willing to be. And an important thing to note is that, contrary to popular belief, hypnosis is not mind control, and I cannot make someone do anything against their will. Hypnotherapists work in their own way. Personally, I trained as a relational, integrative psychotherapist, and part of my journey has been to integrate hypnotherapy into counselling. The beauty of hypnotherapy is the ability to be creative. Rehearsing something in hypnosis is as effective as experiencing it in real life. For example, Polly was able to make her anxiety into a beach ball and burst it. In the trance, she ate whole meals with her family in perfect comfort, and visited any restaurant she chose. After six sessions, she was feeling confident to eat with others. I actually integrate some hypnotherapy techniques
into counselling; at the heart of my work is the principle of remaining non-directive, so I offer ideas and suggestions rather than give advice or instructions. There is a large body of evidence supporting the use of hypnotherapy, with a study published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology finding hypnotherapy to be as effective as cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT), mindfulness, and psychotherapy for treating anxiety. Moreover, hypnotherapy has been found to be especially helpful when combined with other therapies, and for many years has been widely used by dentists and physicians for pain relief, and is recommended in the NICE guidelines as a treatment for irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). Evidence from two recent trials suggests counsellors should be more pluralistic. One suggestion from both studies was that clients tend to come back to therapy because they have not been equipped with the tools to help themselves if their issues recur. Combining hypnotherapy with a person-centred approach allows me to help clients manage anxiety symptoms, and explore their origins and triggers. Hypnosis can also look at deeper-seated issues, using direct regression to an earlier time, but this is only appropriate with the consent of the client, and once a good relationship has
Combining hypnotherapy with a person-centred approach allows me to help clients manage anxiety symptoms, and explore their origins and triggers been established. There‘s a risk of retraumatisation with this method, so it should be used with caution, and only by an experienced practitioner. But, when used appropriately, regression can help clients to move forward from issues that have affected them for years. My training and work as a hypnotherapist have equipped me with a variety of tools and skills that I integrate into my work as a relational counsellor. I sometimes feel that the counselling session can be like the experience of being in a trance; if asked afterwards exactly what was said, it would be difficult for the client and therapist to recall fully. However the gist remains, and change takes place on a subconscious level.
Suzanne Shenderey is a hypnotherapist and integrative relational psychotherapist. happiful.com | February 2022 | 47
6 affirmations to inspire self-love If these sentiments resonate with you, cut them out and keep them for when you need a little reminder
I follow my own heart, not others’ expectations.
Everyone’s journey is different.
I am proud of myself for trying, even when it’s hard.
My needs matter.
I am constantly evolving, and becoming my best self.
I celebrate my strengths and embrace my imperfections.
wellbeing
10 surprising signs of adult ADHD ADHD can present in many different ways. How many of these symptoms did you know? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
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ttention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a neurological condition that first appears in childhood, which affects people’s behaviour – making it difficult for them to concentrate, and sometimes making them more impulsive and restless than most. As ADHD is a developmental disorder, it’s generally believed that it cannot develop in adults without first appearing during childhood. And while previously it was thought to disappear as the child grew up, it’s now understood that symptoms of ADHD can persist into a person’s teenage years, and then adulthood. However, due to a lack of research around ADHD in adults, the symptoms can be more difficult to define, and they can appear to be more subtle. According to the NHS, by the age of 25, an estimated 15% of people
diagnosed with ADHD as children still have a full range of symptoms, and 65% still have some symptoms that affect their daily lives. That said, ADHD can present differently in adults than it does in children – which can be an additional barrier or challenge when it comes to diagnosis. Here, we explore 10 things you may not have realised could be symptoms of adult ADHD. 1. EXCESSIVE TALKING It may be talking over people in conversations, taking the chat off-topic, or dominating the conversation, and excessive talking is something that adults with ADHD may recognise as something that has stayed with them from childhood – perhaps they often got in trouble for chatting in lessons. Interrupting others may come from the impulsivity of ADHD, while talking too much may be linked
to hyperfocus, and perhaps not picking up on social cues from other people. 2. PROBLEMS WITH PRIORITISING THINGS It can be difficult to work out what tasks should be prioritised, or to work through things in an effective order. You may find that you get pulled from one task to another, perhaps unrelated to their priority, or leave things undone as your priorities suddenly shift. 3. DIFFICULTY DEALING WITH STRESS Stress can be hard for many people to deal with, but the additional challenge of ADHD can make managing it more difficult. In addition, living with ADHD can, at points, be a cause of stress in itself, and you may find stress comes mixed in with feelings of frustration. >>> happiful.com | Febuary 2022 | 49
It’s common for people with ADHD to feel emotions intensely
wellbeing
4. TAKING RISKS The impulsivity that often comes with ADHD is one of the more obvious symptoms that can translate to adulthood. In childhood, ‘taking risks’ might be about doing things that may put them in the way of physical harm – but in adulthood, this could be more to do with emotional or financial risktaking. One example often seen is with impulse buying habits (purchasing unnecessary items, or things you can’t afford), but this impulsivity could present as interrupting others, or acting without considering the consequences. 5. ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION In a similar way to stress, anxiety and depression may be made worse by ADHD, or ADHD may also be the root cause of an increase in anxiety levels. If ADHD can cause you to lose focus around impending deadlines, or at times where tasks need to be completed efficiently within a certain timeframe, it’s easy to see how this can affect your wellbeing in other ways. These other symptoms may lead a person with ADHD to develop a negative self-image, as they criticise themselves for ADHDrelated behaviours they cannot control, seeing them instead as personal failings. 6. FORGETFULNESS We all manage to overlook things every now and then, but ADHD can lead to regular lapses in memory. A study published
in Clinical Psychology Review found that children with ADHD have statistically significant memory problems compared to children who did not have ADHD – and this can continue, to some degree, into adulthood. It could be forgetting dates and appointments, leaving the house without important items, or letting things slip from your to-do list at work. That said, if you are worried about your memory, or notice you’re suddenly more forgetful than usual, it’s always worth checking in with your GP. 7. MOOD SWINGS It’s common for people with ADHD to feel emotions intensely, and this applies to both positive and negative emotions. It’s also worth bearing in mind that medication can affect our moods, and if you are taking medication for ADHD, this can sometimes come with mood swings. 8. FATIGUE AND SLEEP PROBLEMS It could be trouble falling asleep at night, or fatigue during the day from intense activity, but sleep problems can be a common symptom of ADHD. In addition, some research has linked bruxism (teeth grinding) to ADHD, which is heightened further by stress and anxiety. 9. SEXUAL PROBLEMS Some people with ADHD may have trouble switching off during sex, others may find they have a high sex-drive due to impulsivity, or risk-taking may also be a factor
in an individual’s sex life. That said, it’s worth noting that sexual problems are not generally considered as part of an ADHD diagnosis.
ADHD can present differently in adults than it does in children – which can be an additional challenge when it comes to diagnosis 10. HYPERFOCUS A common misunderstanding about ADHD is that it comes with a deficit of attention. In reality, it’s about problems more generally with attention, which is why hyperfocus – periods of intense, deep focus – can be part of an ADHD diagnosis. While someone with ADHD may struggle with certain everyday tasks, they could completely immerse themselves in others, to the point where they may not be aware of what is happening around them – potentially losing track of time, or not paying attention to other people. If you would like to speak to a professional about your experience with ADHD, connect with a counsellor using counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Febuary 2022 | 51
Time to veg out Enjoy a plant-based extravaganza with these two dishes – now we’re cooking Writing | Alex Allan
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f Veganuary has exhausted your supply of plant-based recipes, we’ve got just the thing for you with two brand new ideas to add to your repertoire that are both easy to make, and require just a few store-cupboard ingredients. They are hearty, warming recipes that
are packed with flavour, and we guarantee you’ll be coming back for more! In addition, these recipes are excellent for batch-cooking. By using a slightly larger pan, you can make a double batch of each, keeping half in the freezer for when you need something quick
yet nutritious. When you’ve had a busy day, having a selection of ready-made nourishing dishes to choose from makes being healthy that much easier.
Everyday red lentil dhal Serves 6 Ingredients: • Coconut oil • 1 large onion, chopped • 1 carrot, grated • 3 cloves garlic, crushed • 2 tsp cumin seeds • 2 tsp black mustard seeds • 1 tbsp turmeric • 250g split red lentils • 350ml water • 1 tin whole coconut milk • 1 tin chopped tomatoes • 2 tsp grated ginger • Salt and pepper, to season Optional garnish: chopped coriander and flaked almonds 52 | February 2022 | happiful.com
Method: • In a large pan, heat the coconut oil and gently sauté the onions until golden. • Add the carrot, garlic, and whole spices. Stir and sauté on a gentle heat until fragrant. • Add the turmeric and stir to cover well, allowing to cook through for 1 minute. • Add in the lentils and stir to combine. • Add the water, coconut milk, chopped tomatoes, and ginger. Stir. Season to taste. • Bring to a simmer and leave
on a gentle heat for 30 mins until the lentils are cooked. • Serve with brown rice or quinoa.
food & health
Find a ist on nutrition iful our Happ app
The healthy bit
Mediterranean roasted vegetables with spicy chickpeas Serves 4 Ingredients: • 1 butternut squash, peeled and chopped into bite-size pieces • 1 red onion, sliced • 5 cloves garlic, peeled and left whole • 1 courgette, sliced • 1 red pepper, sliced • 1 tbsp capers • 2 tbsp sun-dried tomatoes • 1 tbsp Herbes de Provence • Extra virgin olive oil • 1 tin chickpeas, drained • 2 tbsp harissa paste • 1 bag spinach • Salt and pepper, to season Optional garnish: chopped parsley and toasted pine nuts
Method: • Preheat the oven to 200oC, 180 fan, 390oF. • Add the vegetables to a roasting tin. Sprinkle with dried herbs and a pinch of salt and pepper. Drizzle well with olive oil. Toss and bake for 30 minutes. • While the veggies are cooking, add the chickpeas to a bowl. Stir through the harissa paste with some olive oil. • When the veg is cooked, add the chickpeas and spinach to the tray. Stir thoroughly, and place back in the oven for 5 minutes. • Serve with gluten-free flatbread, garnished with chopped parsley and pine nuts.
Pulses are an excellent source of fibre, in fact, just one cup of cooked pulses can give us more than half the amount we need in a day! Pulses contain soluble and insoluble fibre, and both are necessary for good health. Research shows that soluble fibre can help with managing weight, blood sugar levels, and cholesterol. Insoluble fibre, on the other hand, assists with digestion and regularity. Plus, pulses also make a superb carrier for gorgeous warming flavours such as the turmeric, paprika, and chilli used in these recipes, which make them very moreish! And don’t forget, we’re not just eating for us. Research tells us that having 20–40 different plant foods per week can help increase the diversity of our microbiomes – that is the bugs in our gut that keep us healthy. And this doesn’t always have to be in the form of fruits and vegetables. There are many small ways in which you can add plant foods to your day – think herbs and spices, nuts and seeds. All the small garnishes suggested not only add flavour and interest, but may also be benefiting our health at the same time. Alex Allan is a nutritional therapist and member of the Guild of Health Writers, specialising in gut and hormone health. Visit nutritionist-resource.org.uk happiful.com | February 2022 | 53
HAPPIFUL TOP 10
February
From understanding our feelings to delving into nostalgic worlds, we share 10 things to do this February
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PAGE-TURNERS Emotional by Leonard Mlodinow We’re often told that suppressing our emotions and thinking rationally is the best way to navigate stressful situations, and be successful. But, as Emotional explores, cutting edge science has proved that we need to acknowledge and understand our feelings in order to make a real difference to our thinking. (Out now Penguin Press, £20.00)
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ACT OF KINDNESS Pick it up
This month, why not put protecting the planet – and cleaning up your community – at the forefront of you mind? Take a bag (and perhaps some gloves) when you head out for a walk in order to collect any rubbish you see. You might even set a good example for others, and encourage a ripple effect as everyone does their bit to keep our streets tidy, and our wildlife safe. (Visit keepbritaintidy.org for more ideas and information)
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LEND US YOUR EARS ‘Super Soul’
For many, Oprah Winfrey is the queen of interviews, famously conversing with some of the biggest stars on the biggest of stages. With her own more intimate podcast, the award-winning host connects with thought-leaders and experts to guide us all through life’s biggest questions, and the power of connection. (Listen to the podcast on iTunes and Spotify)
OUT AND ABOUT Seek out the snowdrops
Blooming snowdrops are perfect to lure out an Instaloving teen, or to captivate a child with their magic. And the season is in full swing in February, so it’s the ideal time to head out into the woods for a bracing walk, taking in the beauty of the natural world. Giving the image of a blanket of white foliage across a forest floor, taking a stroll to appreciate the beautiful flowers and be present in the moment could be a fantastic way to spend a Sunday. (Snowdrops bloom in the UK from January to March) 54 | February 2022 | happiful.com
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PLUGGED-IN @1bike1world
Sometimes, it can be tough to leave our pets when we go away on holiday. But, what if we could take them along for the ride? Dean does exactly that, and his cat Nala is more than happy to oblige. Documenting their adventures, from climbing mountains to exploring the waterways, the pair will make for a wonderful addition to your feed. (Follow @1bike1world on Instagram)
culture
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TECH TIP-OFFS Streaks
Whether it’s learning a new skill, or developing a healthier routine, most of us want to start new habits – but maintaining them can be tricky. The Streaks app acts as a digital to-do list to monitor your goals, with the aim to keep up your ‘streak’. Plus, you can connect with other users to cheer each other on! (Download from Google Play and the App Store)
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The Positive Planner | thepositiveplanners.com
Children’s Mental Health Week 2022
Created by children’s charity Place2Be, 7–13 February is dedicated to raising awareness and supporting kids’ mental health, and the theme for 2022 is ‘Growing Together’. Take this opportunity to engage in conversation with the youngsters in your life about how they’ve grown (emotionally, what they’ve learnt, how they’ve developed), and how they can help others to do the same. (Visit childrensmentalhealthweek.org.uk)
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SQUARE EYES Around the World in 80 Days
GET GOING Ride for Mental Health
Get some fresh air, set yourself a challenge, and support a fantastic charity as you complete 100 miles on your bike over the month of February, in a setting that suits you. Work as a team, or take some time for yourself to reconnect with nature as you put the wheels in motion for this charity challenge in aid of Rethink Mental Illness! Time to dig out that Lycra. (Find out more at rethink.org/get-involved)
Based on the classic Jules Verne novel, this eight-episode series from the BBC follows the adventures of Phileas Fogg (David Tennant), an English gentlemanturned-traveller, as he sets out to circumnavigate the globe in just 80 days. A show that will appeal to the whole family, it’s the perfect viewing for cosying up in the evening. (Available on BBC iPlayer)
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THE CONVERSATION
TREAT YOURSELF The Positive Planner
Journaling can be a great way to stay mindful, and remind yourself to reflect on your day. The Positive Planner is a easy tool to organise, reflect, and acknowledge your feelings in one place. With sections for checking your mood, recording gratitude, and writing to-do lists, this planner makes for a wonderful present to yourself. (RRP £22, visit thepositiveplanners.com)
WIN!
Win a Positive Planner For your chance to win a Positive Planner, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com The unicorn is the national animal of which country? a) Madagascar
b) South Africa
c) Scotland
*Competition closes 16 February 2022. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!
happiful.com | February 2022 | 55
Things to celebrate this month It’s important to recognise, and be proud of, all your wins – both big, and small
Finding a moment for self-care Not letting fear hold me back
Taking things one day at a time
Maintaining my boundaries
Challenging myself
Respecting my need to rest Taking time to respond, rather than react Enjoying the moment Voicing my needs and emotions Prioritising my health
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Counselling Directory has seen a surge in searches for ways to improve sexual intimacy in long-term relationships over the past two years, and no wonder after all we’ve been through! Here, psychosexual counsellor Charlene Douglas shares her advice and practical tips for reconnecting with your significant other
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Writing | Lucy Donoughue
riting for Happiful has many upsides, and the most significant for me is the ability to talk to mental health professionals and pose the questions we know our readers are asking and worrying about. Quite often, these queries resonate personally too, and it’s reassuring to know that no single problem is unique. One topic that’s attracted a huge amount of queries on our Happiful family site Counselling Directory, since the first lockdown in 2020, is the loss or lack of sexual intimacy in longterm relationships. It seems that the pandemic prompted a seismic shift in the way many of us relate to our partners, and the fall out continues to impact how we live together, and express love and desire to each other. >>> happiful.com | February 2022 | 57
The pandemic prompted a seismic shift in the way many of us relate to our partners Sound familiar? It does to me. My partner and I were suddenly together 24/7 for months on end, after previously spending a healthy amount of time apart. On top of that, we were both impacted by the uncertainty about what the future held – mentally, financially, and in terms of our physical health. As a result, the absolute last thing I wanted to do was snuggle down with him and whisper sweet nothings. And maybe, as a result of that shared experience, we’ve both fallen out of the habit of making intimate time together a priority. Psychodynamic and psychosexual counsellor Charlene Douglas, AKA ‘The Intimacy Coach’, is all too aware of the strain the past few years has had on many couples, as well as the toll day-to-day life can take on our romantic connections. She’s keen to empower couples to prioritise 58 | February 2022 | happiful.com
each other and their sexual reconnection, if that’s what both individuals want. It’s not always easy, she admits, but it is more than possible if the will is there. The first challenge, Charlene notes, is one of creating space for simply thinking about intimacy. “It’s difficult to move away from our busy lives to be really intentional about our sexual and intimate worlds,” she says honestly. “We tell ourselves that there’s no time and we have other things to do, but you have to spend time with yourself to work out what you need, what you
don’t, what you enjoy and, again, what you don’t.”
Tackling the lack of sexual connection While carving out time to reflect on what we really want from our relationships is the best thing we can do to make change, it can also be hard when you’re stuck in a rut or feel challenged when trying to articulate your needs. This is where a professional like Charlene can make all the difference, by facilitating the conversation, and promoting a sense of curiosity.
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Prioritising your partnership Create There are so many classes and events that offer an opportunity to get hands-on and learn a new skill. Taking part in these together can be fun, and stimulate fresh conversation. Think cookery classes, pottery afternoons, paint parties, and beyond. Be curious Be inquisitive about improving your relationship. Try something new, like listening to audio erotica together, or download the free Kama app and try some of the practices at a time when you
Addressing why sex may have stopped in a relationship, Charlene says, starts with open and consistent communication between partners. “You have to clear up some of the emotional issues that are going on for you both. I could suggest activities for clients such as massages, and ways to make time and space for intimacy, but if they don’t feel emotionally safe with each other – for example if one partner has been really critical or judgemental outside of the bedroom – then those activities may not have the desired effect,” Charlene says. Taking a step back, and reflecting on the positive and negative behaviours that make up your dynamic, is crucial. “It’s important for you to consider what it is about your partner that you really like, and what you enjoy in terms of the things
both feel open to it (such as the sound bath to activate desire and arousal). Be sure to checkin with your partner that they’re comfortable. Pamper You’ll know what your partner likes to do to relax. So, take it in turns to give each other a ‘pamper time’. Whether that’s running a candlelit bath for them, or giving them a couple of uninterrupted hours to watch their favourite drama alone, acknowledging that they need personal downtime, and honouring that, shows respect and care. That’s pretty sexy.
they do and say. Then, what are some of the things that really don’t do it for you, make you feel uncomfortable, uneasy, or less than. It’s some of those things that can be the blocks to intimacy.”
Going it alone, together “Couples therapy isn’t for everyone,” Charlene admits. “If you choose not to go down that route, then you really have to put in the work. Do your research, go to reliable sources online, and find out more information about building a more positive relationship. “Connect with your partner and have those conversations that might be a bit uncomfortable,” she continues. “There are lots of relationship and sex quiz cards that you can buy, that will help to generate those conversations that can be difficult to start without a prompt.”
And finally, Charlene insists, you have to make time for your relationship, and spend quality time with your partner. “It might be date night every Friday night, and you alternate who arranges it. Make it fun and interactive, it doesn’t always have to be heavy, with you sitting in a restaurant talking about the negatives in your relationship. Do something fun, go dancing, or make something. Build your emotional intimacy, as well as your physical intimacy.”
Listen to Charlene Douglas discuss sexual intimacy on Happiful’s podcast ‘I am. I have.’ happiful.com | February 2022 | 59
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relationships
What happens when opposites attract?
Sparks often fly when opposites attract, but why is that, and how can we navigate the inevitable challenges that come with this romantic pairing? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
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he shy one and the confident one, the driven one and the relaxed one, the creative and the logical, the clean and the cluttered, open and closed, adventurous and timid, hot and cold – we all have an idea of what ‘opposites attract’ means when it comes to relationships. It’s a trope common in the media we consume, and handy phrases like this one are often thrown around to explain seemingly unlikely pairings. “Attraction is based on a huge number of biopsychosocial factors which make a simple response difficult,” says psychotherapist Bhavna Raithatha, when asked why two people who are seemingly polar opposites come together. “There are many factors that influence the attraction between individuals. Veteran
relationship therapist and researcher, Dr Harville Hendrix suggests we all have a blueprint, or an ‘imago’ of the kind of person we want to be with. This imago, or image, is informed by early childhood influences in our lives that will have left a significant impression. The biological (our genetic makeup), social (how we were raised within our social communities), and psychological (how our experiences have shaped us) factors inform why people are attracted to each other, how long they might maintain the relationship, and what causes relationships to fail.” When it comes to ‘opposites attract’, it’s easy to rationalise how there’s a benefit to individuals who might even each other out. Bhavna points to literature and film for examples. “Think of the classic fairytale Beauty and the Beast, using the old trope of delicate, feminine beauty,
innocence and gentleness, against the malevolent, selfcentred, emotionally-stunted and vilified Beast,” Bhavna says. “This is a most unlikely pairing, with the glorification of kidnapping of Belle and holding her hostage leading to the development of Stockholm Syndrome, where eventually she falls in love with her violent, murderous captor, makes him see the error of his ways, and literally makes him human again. I digress...” But it’s an interesting digression that prompts another, closer look at these ‘opposite’ couples we have idolised – is there more going on under the surface? When you Google ‘movies couples who are opposites’, you’ll find lists citing Pride and Prejudice, 10 Things I Hate About You, and Dirty Dancing among others. All examples which beg the question, are we really >>> happiful.com | February 2022 | 61
talking about couples who are ‘opposites’, or are they simply pairs from different social backgrounds – with some gender norms thrown in – but who ultimately share the same core values and desires? As Bhavna dives back into the workings of attraction, it seems this dynamic may be more likely. “Studies by social psychologists suggest that attraction is significantly more likely between individuals who share more similarities than differences, we are more inclined to pick those who look similar to us, and hold similar values and ‘mirror’ us,” Bhavna explains. “Evolutionarily, this benefitted and supported the survival and wellbeing of the tribe in the wild.” 62 | February 2022 | happiful.com
Of course, all that said, there will almost certainly be those who are genuinely the polar opposite of their partner, or at least look that way on the surface – and that can be in characteristics both major and minor. But our differences really can be our strengths. “People who are opposites (and, again, we need to define what exactly this means for us) can bring a lot to the table. They will bring skills, experiences, thoughts that may benefit the couple, and eventually the family,” says Bhavna. “We, as individuals, are born with an innate desire to grow and evolve, and this is fulfilled by new experiences, challenges, and achievements. This momentum
You are two universes coming together, each with glorious intricacies and individuality is necessary for positive mental health, and avoiding stagnation. Think about how you felt the last time you tried something new. Partners who are opposites of each other can harness their individual traits and be stronger together. On an evolutionary level, opposites can bring strength and opportunity for growth and expansion to the tribe. Think
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about your friendship circles; are there people there who are nothing like the rest of the group, and to whom you wouldn’t have given a second thought to, but who are very dear to you? Why? What are they bringing to the tribe that is lacking?” It’s true that when we tune-in to experiences outside of our own, we enhance our lives. But that doesn’t mean that committing to a relationship with someone with radically different ideas is without its hurdles. “As with any situation in life, there is a different side to the coin,” says Bhavna. “Opposites can be very difficult to navigate; naturally, we all want to have our way for our own reasons. This is where complementarity dynamics are hugely successful, we can sing from the same hymn sheet, overcome minor niggles, clear any disagreements for the greater good of both, and get on with life. “With opposites, however, you first have to decide which denomination the hymn sheet belongs to, whether you’ll be singing gospel or thrash metal, who will be leading, for how long, and why... Giggles aside, you are two universes coming together, each with glorious intricacies and individuality, with dreams, hope, experiences, and may not be so ready to acquiesce to the needs of the other. I see a lot of conflict in
couples who are opposites because they are often clashing about many things.” So, if some of these problems are ringing true with you, what can you do about it? As Bhavna sees it, the first step should be to identify each other’s strengths, and to build upwards from there. “Name your differences, celebrate those that are positive, and help each other with the negatives that impact the relationship,” she advises. “Talk to each other. Respect each other. Commit to making it work, or have the courage to end it respectfully before jumping into the arms of another. Whatever is not fixed will keep coming back up.” Bhavna also recommends seeking therapy, and learning the skills you need to become confident enough that making comprises doesn’t feel like you’re losing out, and instead they feel like a gift that you are bringing to your relationship. “Remember why you got together: what attracted you about each other, why? This is where conscious dating comes into play. What was your dating practice, did you communicate and ask questions? Did you share your negotiables and non-negotiables? Did you actively ignore red flags in the hope that they will change when they see just how fabulous you are? They won’t. Remember, we are all trying to do the very best we can.” Let’s face it, Bridget Jones and Mark Darcy probably argued about
We, as individuals, are born with an innate desire to grow and evolve, and this is fulfilled by new experiences who does the washing up, the Beast and Belle might have fallen out over different interior design choices, and Sandy and Danny might fall on different ends of the political spectrum – that or they end up quibbling over a pair of leather trousers. As always, it’s important to let go of the idea of perfection when it comes to relationships, recognising that we’re complex people with complex needs, and the key to serving them is communication. After all, opposites attract for a reason and, when given the space and respect they need, our differences can be our most valuable strengths.
Bhavna Raithatha is a psychotherapist, coach, supervisor, critical incidence debriefer, and trainer. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | February 2022 | 63
How to spot, and address, inequality at home Is the dynamic you share with your partner truly equal?
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Writing | Hannah Beckett-Pratt
nequality impacts relationships, negatively affecting both partners. Despite this, it is extremely common, and tends to centre around the division of domestic responsibilities, childcare, and emotional labour. The latter refers to the intrapsychic burden that one partner often experiences, where thinking and feeling are affected, as well as behaviour. For example, one partner may be aware that their child will need to enrol at school a year or two before they’re due to start, or notice that dinner needs picking up for the evening. When these things don’t occur to the other partner, it can begin to feel like you’re on different pages. Relationships that lack this kind of equity can lead to stress, guilt, and dissatisfaction for both
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partners. It may be obvious that the partner who does most of the work is under-benefitting and prone to resentment, but research has also shown that the over-benefitting partner is often also dissatisfied; experiencing pity, guilt, and shame. Sound familiar? Here, we’re exploring how to spot and address household inequality.
1. If you stop, the chores stop This is where most people are likely to give in and just do the task. But by doing so, you’re taking the responsibility away from your partner, and reinforcing the inequality. It can be really helpful to think of you and your partner together, facing the issue of inequality, rather than ‘me VS you’. This redistributes the power and
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responsibility between you, and diffuses tension and conflict. You could actively discuss this with your partner, or make suggestions such as: “I’m going to start cooking in half an hour, could you unload the dishwasher beforehand? Then we’ll have more time to be together after we’ve eaten.”
2. Pay attention to language When we are feeling frustrated, we are likely to use language that blames our partner for what they are not doing, and that makes us look like the victim. However, rather than achieving the equality we seek, this usually puts both partners in a defensive position which ignites arguments. Take ownership of your feelings, and ask directly for what you need. This might sound like: “I’m feeling really stressed and need a moment to regain my energy. Will you watch the kids for an hour while I take a bath?” Using language that doesn’t infantilise your partner is also helpful, for example: “Will you do X?” Or, “When can you do X?” Rather than, “Can you?” Or, “Might you be able to…?”
3. Spotting weaponised incompetence Claiming we don’t know how to do something to get out of doing it is a common game that permeates domestic inequality. Sitting down and allocating responsibilities that each partner feels capable of doing is one
clear way to address this. If your partner says they don’t know how to do something that you really need them to start helping with (e.g. tying up your daughter’s hair before football club), ask them what it is that will allow them to do it. If they don’t know, rather than getting angry and doing it yourself, suggest a neutral way they can solve their own problem – for example, following a YouTube tutorial. If weaponised incompetence is becoming a regular feature of your relationship, seek couples therapy to help you both manage it before it becomes passiveaggressive.
Take ownership of your feelings, and ask directly for what you need 4. Consider your own role in the inequality This can be difficult to reflect on, but the game of inequality has two players. If you have both spoken about how to achieve domestic equality, or have designated chores, then you must allow your partner the chance to do them in their own way. You may wish they did it differently, or maybe you could do it better yourself, but denying them the opportunity to change can lead to learned helplessness – where
one partner stops doing things because they’re frequently undermined by the other partner beating them to it, or re-doing it out of impatience. You might also check your own internalised stereotypes here – are you a female partner taking on more because you believe this is what you need to do as a good wife or mother?
5. Assess your mental load Rather than tit-for-tat, this is about creating a long-term sense of fairness. It might be that one of you is having a stressful month at work, so the other one does a bit more at home during this time, and is OK with that. Assessing your own capacity regularly during the week can help this process: how much energy do you have left for the day, and where do you want to spend it? Being honest with yourself, and your partner, will give them a better chance to empathise with you, and want to help you out. If you can do the same when they need it, you are less likely to fall into the trap of keeping score.
Hannah Beckett-Pratt is a relational transactional analysis counsellor. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | February 2022 | 65
What is your digital CO2 footprint?
As we become more and more tech savvy (and dependent), it’s worth considering the impact that all this online activity is having on the environment Writing | Rebecca Thair
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he trail of data you leave behind when using the internet – from the pages you’ve viewed, to emails received – is known as your ‘digital footprint’. Think of it like Hansel and Gretel, leaving breadcrumbs in their wake as they explored the forest in the Grimm’s fairy tale. The importance of this is twofold: from a safety and privacy perspective, being aware of what people can trace and find out about you online is crucial in today’s digital world, but also from an ecological perspective, all that online activity impacts the planet probably far more than you realise. This is known as your digital CO2 (or carbon) footprint. It’s easy to forget, or not even realise, how much energy we’re using with our online activities, when it seems like they’re confined to a screen, or hidden away in an endless inbox. But all those hours scrolling through Instagram, falling into a YouTube rabbit-hole, or never deleting your fit-to-burst inbox
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positive pointers
leave a mark. In fact, digital tech is believed to be responsible for 4% of all greenhouse gas emissions, similar to that of the airline industry – and this is only increasing year-on-year. But we can make some simple changes to reduce our personal emissions in our everyday digital life. Here are some tips to get you started:
1. CUT BACK ON STREAMING It’s believed that 75% of global data traffic can be attributed to video streaming, which may be convenient when you’re bingeing a box set (yes, Netflix, I do want to continue watching – don’t shame me), but downloading your desired films or shows to view is far less energy-intensive. This is because streaming requires a constant internet connection, the various servers and routers, as well as the energy of the device you’re watching from.
2. LISTEN RATHER THAN WATCH If you’re someone who loves to have a playlist on in the background, where possible try to play the music as audio files only, rather than streaming video after video on YouTube, for example. But where you do need to watch something, viewing in a lower resolution where possible can help to reduce the energy you use.
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An estimated 1.7 billion tonnes of greenhouse gas emissions are produced globally each year by the manufacture and use of digital technologies
3. KEEP YOUR TECH With phone contracts often lasting 48 months, it can be tempting to ‘upgrade’ every couple of years, even when there’s nothing wrong with your current mobile phone. This means more manufacturing, more waste, and are you really getting a lot more for your money? Consider keeping your devices for longer – that might include TVs, computers, tablets, and any other digital products – to give them a longer lease of life, and reduce the carbon spent on producing all these new items each time you buy.
4. DISPOSE OF YOUR DIGITAL DEVICES PROPERLY When the time comes that you do need to buy something new,
ensure you dispose of your existing items in a way that doesn’t damage the environment further – simply putting them in the bin means they will end up in landfill, where electronics can release chemicals dangerous to wildlife, and they can take millions of years to decompose. Instead, visit a local waste centre as they will likely have a place to recycle electronics safely, or consider donating unwanted (but still usable) items.
5. CLEAR OUT YOUR INBOX While an individual email won’t have the biggest impact on your carbon footprint, over time the sheer volume can add up, and your inbox is holding it all – plus adding a photo, document, or video attachment will make the CO2 impact a lot greater. Instead, consider sending a shareable link, empty your inbox regularly to reduce data storage, and think about where it’s possible to send just one or two less messages a day – in the long run that could add up to a big saving! Plus, estimates by antispam service Cleanfox believe that, on average, people receive 2,850 unwanted emails each year from subscriptions, adding up to 28.5kg of CO2e! So it’s worth going through your email subscriptions and opting out of anything you don’t need, or don’t read, meaning less email waste is sent in the first place. happiful.com | February 2022 | 67
Love recognises no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope MAYA ANGELOU
Photography | Anna Shvets
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true story
Living with a skin-picking disorder For more than a decade, Sawyr has been pulling out her hair and picking at her skin. But by sharing her experience, through talking to friends and family, and with the help of therapy, she has conquered her shame and embarrassment, and is getting on with her life
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Writing | Sawyr Benzley
know I should remember the first time I pulled out my hair and ate it, but I don’t. It happened gradually, and I didn’t realise it was a problem until it was a deeply ingrained habit. My picking disorder started sometime during university, and, now – almost 10 years later – I’m still struggling. To anyone reading this who shares my experience, I’m here to tell you: you’re not alone; this is not just a bad habit that you’re too weakwilled to break; and there is treatment available for you. In fact, according to The American Journal of Psychiatry, 63% of people engage in some form of picking. When I was a kid, adults berated me for biting my fingernails. They told me it was just a bad habit that I needed to break, but, for me, this bad habit transformed into a life-altering disorder. In 2012, I started my first year of college. Alone and stressed, overloaded by work, and trying to navigate the labyrinth of an enormous US university, I remember struggling to study through tears of fatigue and stress. On one of these late nights, I pulled out a strand of hair and ate it. At first, I thought I was just a fidgety, nervous person. I picked most often while stationary, while reading, watching TV, or driving in my car. I saw it as an unattractive quality in myself. I just needed to try harder, do better, exert some willpower to beat this bad habit.
I learned to control it, but only in front of others. My embarrassment at pulling out my hair and eating it in public would overcome the urge to pick, but I couldn’t take that willpower and apply it when I was alone. This only made me more frustrated. I had control over it – but I didn’t. I thought that it was obviously a flaw in my character, and I started hating myself. I didn’t see it as a real problem until, around 2014, I started having gastrointestinal problems. Doing a little research, I read that I could develop an intestinal blockage, like a clogged drain inside my body. Others with trichotillomania (hair-pulling disorder) had developed blockages so bad that they had to have surgery. Instead of seeking treatment, I began cutting the strands into smaller pieces with my teeth. This did help my stomach, but the pieces would get stuck in my teeth and gums and make for awkward dentist visits. After graduating in 2016, struggling to find a job, and unsure of my future, I stopped plucking out single strands and began ripping out whole clumps. I would rip and tear until my scalp was sore, and I got scared that my hair would never grow back. I thought of shaving my head – make myself bald so I won’t make myself bald doesn’t make a lot of sense, I know. >>>
happiful.com | February 2022 | 69
To struggle with an issue for years without making progress or getting resolution, is exhausting I developed a bald spot and styled a comb-over to hide it. I stopped visiting salons, terrified of being judged, and started cutting my own hair. During this time, my skin-picking worsened as well. I would peel skin from my feet until I was unable to walk. I picked at my cuticles and palms until they bled. With plasters wrapped around my fingers, and criss-crossed over my hands, I imagined passersby thought I was a burn victim. I avoided family and friends, too ashamed to try to explain myself. I couldn’t explain myself. Picking is an unconscious behaviour. I don’t know why I do it, because I don’t realise I’m doing it. When I become aware that I am picking, I think: “I don’t want to do this; why am I doing this; just stop.” But it’s like my hands have a mind of their own. For months, I would find some way to stop and think I had beaten it. My hair grew back and my skin scarred over. I felt elated that this problem was finally in the past. But during periods of high stress, less than 20 minutes would leave me balding and sore, shameful, hopeless, and depressed all over again.
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To struggle with an issue for years without making progress or getting resolution, is exhausting. And a picking disorder is hard to talk about because it’s embarrassing. I am writing this article because I want to connect with others who can relate, and to share some of the things I’ve learnt: • Don’t let it start. Often, if I can stop myself before I pull out the first hair, I can avoid a total rampage. • Put on a hat or gloves to make the area inaccessible. • Take a shower or wet your hair. The texture change can inhibit picking. • Stop whatever you’re doing, and do something active with your hands or body. • Pick where it hurts. Pulling strands from the nape of my neck, where the hair is finer, so less satisfying and more painful, can often get me to stop. • Get rid of the magnifying mirror, and even the tweezers and pins, if you use them during your picking behaviour. • Find something to occupy your hands, like putty or clay, a worry stone, a stress ball, a piece of Lego, a Rubik’s cube, a sequined pillow, or a fidget-spinner.
true story
• Apply some conditioning. Positive punishment has actually been effective for me. Wearing a small rubber band on my wrist, I flick it whenever I find myself about to begin picking. It doesn’t hurt, but it’s enough to help train my mind to associate picking, not with stress relief, but with a small shock. • Talk about it. Often, people with picking disorders have a relative with a similar problem. I found out my mother has a milder issue where she picks at the skin on her chin, or scratches her scalp. Talking to her has made me feel less embarrassed about the problem, which has made it easier to deal with. • See a professional. Often picking disorders align with other psychological issues, like depression, anxiety, or body dysmorphic disorder.
Treatment for a picking disorder, or for an overlapping disorder, is effective; it’s just rare because we’re too embarrassed to go, or we don’t think there is treatment available for us – but there are medications and therapies that can help. Also, picking can have side-effects like infection, or intestinal blockages, or it might point to a developmental issue, so seeking treatment now could prevent more serious, even life-threatening, issues later. Although I’m currently seeing a therapist for my picking, I know I will struggle with it for the rest of my life. But I know I’m not alone. I know a psychological disorder is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not just a bad behaviour that I can’t break because I have weak willpower, and I’ve stopped hating myself for it. And, honestly, that has been enough for me to stop focusing my life around my picking, start appreciating my many good qualities, and live a healthier life.
OUR EXPERT SAYS Sawyr’s inspirational story shows how challenging it can be to live with a picking disorder. The debilitating impact is evident, having a negative influence on all aspects of life. Thankfully, Sawyr was able to receive the help she needed to better manage her condition, she has some insightful tips to
share, and acknowledges the benefit of professional support. Sawyr brings hope to many others that may be struggling with a similar issue. Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred) Counsellor and psychotherapist
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Ask the experts Hypnotherapist Caroline Silvestre answers your questions on coping with a breakup Read more about Caroline Silvestre on hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk
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I’ve recently gone through a breakup and I’m finding it hard to move on. What steps can I take to do this? Truly moving on from a breakup means feeling independent, optimistic, and free from resentment. Giving time to a relationship, only to see it end, can make us want to hold on to something – sometimes anger. Anger keeps sadness away, so it’s easy to hold on to it instead of allowing ourselves to grieve and accept it’s over. Carrying anger from one relationship to the next can prevent us from fully opening up, and enjoying a new start. Practising detachment and compassion through meditation can be helpful. Pursuing activities that you enjoy may also help to increase feelings of self-efficacy and self-sufficiency. Educating yourself in relationship dynamics, by reading or seeking talking therapy, can help you process the loss, and turn it into an opportunity for self-development.
A friend recommended hypnotherapy to help me get over my breakup – how does it work?
Hypnotherapy is an effective method that greatly complements talking therapies, such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). By applying special visualisation and relaxation techniques, hypnosis promotes a state of calm, relaxation, and focus,
Q
I’m struggling with jealousy in my new relationship. Can hypnotherapy help?
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Hypnosis can help by first regulating the nervous system to a more relaxed state, where we can identify the source of jealousy. With the guidance of a therapist, and clear thinking, we can unpack the thoughts, feelings, and trigger events.
reducing stress hormones, enabling clear and logical thinking, and promoting future planning. Hypnosis harnesses the power of imagination, enabling us to visualise our goals and contemplate possibilities. This exercise helps make plans more actionable and realistic, leaving us inspired and uplifted. Hypnosis also enables imaginal exposure, which is the practice of rehearsing scenarios carefully in our minds.
Clear thinking is essential as jealousy can cause paranoia. Is the threat real or imagined? The first thing is to understand your fears, your relationship dynamics, and examine the situation from a place of calm and logic. With hypnosis, we can work to desensitise the fears linked to jealousy. If jealousy is justified, we must address it as we all deserve to be in a relationship based on trust and shared values.
Hypnotherapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
wellbeing
Q
What are your top three tips for moving on after a breakup?
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My first tip is to talk openly about what happened. This makes it more real, helps you process it, and orients your friends and family towards your new reality as a single person. Also, list everything you’ve always wanted to do and places you always wanted to go. It’ll remind you of the good side of being single: new freedom. Breaking up causes a sharp drop of many neurotransmitters, including dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. Finding healthy activities to replenish those will help keep depression away. Lasty, be mindful of jumping into new relationships too quickly, at least not before you heal. Healthy relationships flourish when two independent people care about each other. Being single is an opportunity to find self-sufficiency, to discover yourself in ways you never expected, and to find strength you never knew you had.
happiful.com | February 2022 | 73
How to eat for each chakra Cultivate harmony and whole-body health by choosing the right foods to recharge your seven psychic energy centres Writing | Katie Hoare
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ccording to the physiological practices of Hinduism and Tantric Buddhism, the chakras, a set of seven psychic energy centres aligned within the body, are key to whole-body health. The seven chakras are thought of as wheels, aligning with central energy points in the body. The wheels should stay open when internal energy is in balance, as they correspond with major organs and nerve centres which all contribute to our physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. “The secret to living a healthy, balanced and happy life lies in the seven main chakras and their alignment,” says Thimela Garcia, a Kundalini Yoga teacher and holistic practitioner. “The chakras are our energy centres, and each chakra has its own individual emotional and spiritual benefits. They are, in so many ways, associated with happiness, creativity,
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self-confidence, love, selfexpression, vision, and connection with the higher self and your spirituality,” she says. When energy becomes blocked, negative feelings and emotions can manifest, and physical ailments can present. Approaching the chakras in a holistic manner is the most successful way to balance these energy centres, as each chakra affects the ones closest to it. Through breathwork, yoga, meditation, movement, gratitude, diet, manifestation and more, harmony can be achieved, and the benefits find their way into your very core.
grounded and connected to the earthly energies. It takes care of your safety and security, and is associated with the physical and material world. When balanced, Muladhara provides a solid base for opening the rest of the six chakras. Muladhara is believed to manage our survival instincts, so if it becomes blocked, feelings of loneliness, insecurity, and fear may manifest. Represented by the colour red, and connected to the element earth, grounding, earthy red foods help recharge the energies in Muladhara.
Why should you feed your chakra? Food is a core principle in recharging the energies of each chakra to cultivate harmony and whole-body health.
Feed Muladhara with: • carrots • sweet potato • eggs • tofu • kidney beans • red meat (in moderation) • pomegranate • paprika • cloves
1. Muladhara (root) The first chakra, Muladhara, is responsible for keeping you
2. Svadhishthana (sacral) Located below the navel, Svadhishthana is associated with the colour orange, and is the centre for our emotions and feelings, connected to passion, pleasure, creativity, and selfexpression. An imbalance in the sacral chakra may present as anxiety, low mood, detachment, or high sensitivity, with physical symptoms including lower back pain, low energy levels, joint problems and premenstrual syndrome. As Svadhishthana is connected to the element water, it’s important to stay hydrated, so drink adequate amounts of water, or try herbal teas and coconut water. Feed Svadhishthana with: • oranges • tangerines • mangoes • peaches • pumpkins • squash • walnuts • flaxseed • salmon
3. Manipura (solar plexus) The third chakra, Manipura, embodies our sense of self and personal power. Connected to the element fire, it is represented by the colour yellow and can be located above the navel. Manipura is known for representing the energy of the sun, and ignites the consciousness to aspire for good overall health. The solar plexus chakra is also responsible for regulating the digestive process, and >>> happiful.com | February 2022 | 75
when it becomes blocked or unbalanced, physical symptoms such as bloating, nausea and indigestion may occur. Thimela says: “Our food should be nourishing, natural, fresh, and less processed. The more natural the food we consume, the fewer toxins we are putting into our bodies.”
The chakras will guide you where the attention is needed, and where the healing and energy work needs to take place
Feed Manipura with: • bananas • pineapple • lemons • yellow lentils • oats • sweetcorn • cheese • camomile • cumin
Feed Anahata with: • kale • broccoli • spinach • kiwi • avocado • cucumber • matcha or mint tea • basil • coriander
4. Anahata (heart)
5. Vishuddha (throat)
Anahata, also known as the heart chakra, embodies love, joy, compassion, and inner peace. When balanced, it helps to establish our own self-worth, and sets the framework for how we form healthy relationships. “Anahata is the chakra that balances the energies between the three upper chakras of spirituality and the three lower chakras of matter,” says Thimela. “If Anahata is blocked, our emotional, mental, and physical body will be off-balance.” Connected to the element air, Anahata is located in the centre of the chest, and green, organic and raw foods are essential for healing a blocked heart chakra. 76 | February 2022 | happiful.com
Located in the centre of the throat, Vishuddha literally translates to ‘the ability to express oneself through speech and sound’. If Vishuddha is blocked, you might experience a sore throat, a cold, or a lump in your throat when trying to speak. The throat chakra is connected to the element ether, a space that forms the essence of emptiness in which our true selves exist, free from constant thought and emotion. Represented by the colour blue, rich antioxidant foods can help open the channel of Vishuddha, alongside soothing liquids like herbal teas, honey and coconut water.
For more nutritional support, or to learn more about holistic health, visit the Happiful app for a wealth of articles and information.
Feed Vishuddha with: • blueberries • blackberries • honey • plums • apples • wheatgrass • rosemary • sage • slippery elm
6. Ajna (third eye) Located directly between the eyebrows, the third eye chakra is thought to be the centre of your inner wisdom, and when balanced, enables you to tap into your intuition. Ajna literally translates from Sanskrit as ‘to perceive’, meaning it helps keep things in perspective, manifesting wisdom and mental growth. Ajna can become blocked by external lies and deception, so nourishing this chakra with indigo-based foods can help restore balance and truth. Feed Ajna with: • lavender • juniper berries • aubergine • goji berries • grapes • purple cabbage and broccoli • poppy seeds • cocoa
7. Sahasrara (crown) The final chakra, Sahasrara, represents a level of consciousness that is higher than what we usually connect to. It is responsible for embracing
connection to the earth around us, finding peace with oneself, and establishing your higher purpose. It is associated with tuning into the universe, and our higher purpose, and is known to radiate energy that projects peace and gratitude.
Our food should be nourishing, natural, fresh, and less processed. The more natural the food we consume, the fewer toxins we are putting into our bodies “Sahasrara is the golden portal that, when open, allows the influx of cosmic energy into our beings,” says Thimela. “If it’s blocked, this means we are missing out from these higher energies and the connection to God, so we feel lost and powerless in life. “A blocked Sahasrara manifests as a foggy mind, mental confusion, lack of interest in spiritual subjects, headaches, depression, low energy.” As Sahasrara is associated with spiritual nourishment rather than physical food, short amounts
of fasting are recommended to restore the equilibrium. However, fasting is not always suitable for everyone and should always be done so under the guidance of a practitioner. If you are looking to create balance in Sahasrara, light, fresh fruits, and salad are recommended alongside using herbs and essential oils to detoxify the body. A combination of breathwork, gentle movement, getting fresh air and sunshine is also encouraged. Feed Sahasrara with: • sage • peppermint tea • honeydew melon • strawberries • grapefruit • apricot • watermelon • kiwi “Listen to your body. Get to know yourself energetically,” says Thimela. The chakras will guide you where the attention is needed, and where the healing and energy work needs to take place.”
Thimela Garcia is a registered yoga teacher, and holistic practitioner, offering treatments such as reiki, and sound healing. Visit therapy-directory.org.uk happiful.com | February 2022 | 77
Enjoy a mindful moment: origami cat Take a few minutes to get creative and enjoy the present as you create a cute origami cat face
1. Take a square piece of paper (or cut one from an A4 sheet), and lay it in front of you with a corner pointing towards you like a diamond.
2. Fold the paper in half by bringing the top corner down to meet the bottom one, creating a triangle.
3. From the top edge, fold both corners down to create a new, smaller diamond.
4. From the bottom corner, fold the flaps of paper back up along the dotted guidelines to create your cat ears.
5. Take the top corner of your diamond, and fold down to where the ears meet to create the head of the cat. Bring the bottom corner up where the dotted line suggests, to form the cat’s chin.
6. Unfold the chin flap (this crease will be your guide), and flip the paper over.
7. Fold the chin triangle back up on your cat’s face, and bring the tip of the flap down in a triangle to make the nose.
8. You now have your folded origami cat face! Feel free to decorate if you’d like, with whiskers, eyes, or colouring it in.
food & health
I like the way you move. As an advocate for ditching diet culture and embracing exercise that makes you feel good, Tally Rye is dedicated to spreading a message of selflove, intuitive movement, and incorporating adult playtime into our lives – and we’re here for it! Writing | Lucy Donoughue
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verybody needs Tally Rye in their corner to set them on a better path with movement. She’s empathetic and real, partly owing to her lived experience of a problematic relationship with food and exercise, being sucked into a ‘fitspo’ social media spiral, and consequently educating her own way out of it. Now, she’s using the knowledge she gained to support and cheer others on, and she continuously hits the nail on the head when it comes to fitness stereotypes and outdated societal standards. >>> happiful.com | February 2022 | 79
Listen to Tally’s full interview on Happiful’s podcast ‘I am. I have’
The first principle is to reject a diet mentality. You make a conscious decision to stop using exercise to just change what your body looks like, and the focus moves to how you feel and your physical fitness. Once we’ve taken that on board, we move on to the other principles.
Listen to yourself
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to share her positive message as widely as possible. She’s motivating people to move how they want, when they want, and in a way that feels good for them. Here, Tally shares her thoughts on moving for your wellbeing
Intuitive movement Intuitive movement is an offshoot of intuitive eating, which is a framework created by two dietitians, Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. It’s been around for more than 25 years, and helps people heal their relationship with food. I felt that there was a need to do the same with exercise, as it can be just as messy and complicated. In my first book, Train Happy, I wrote about the nine principles of intuitive movement (there are 10 for intuitive eating). Each principle is designed to help you reflect, and give you tools and questions so you can re-evaluate where you want to be with exercise.
Challenge the fitness police There’s a principle called ‘challenge the fitness police’. People write down a list of all the rules they have around exercise, and figure out where they came from. When did you learn that you had to work out X times a week? Who said you must sweat and do cardio, otherwise it doesn’t count? I’d encourage you to really break your beliefs down, understand where the rules came from, and then challenge them. We all know that rules are made to be broken! Breaking rules can be an important part of this process of switching your mindset.
Images | Tally Rye
So when I speak to Tally for Happiful’s podcast ‘I am. I have’, I can’t help but furiously nod along as she discusses how fitness is perceived in mainstream media, the emphasis on certain body types, and the misconception that exercise needs to be punishing to be effective. “It’s great to move, but if you’re told that for a workout to be ‘effective’ it should be painful, you should feel exhausted, you have to do a ton of burpees, and all of these things you don’t enjoy, of course you’re not going to do it!” Tally laughs. Tally’s words really resonate with me. The joy of speaking with her is her honesty, passion, and the takeaway that we don’t have to accept a fear-inducing view of movement and fitness. As an acclaimed personal trainer, fitness instructor, and content creator, Tally has the expert knowledge to back up her assertions, and she wants
The idea that exercise is painful and punishing is just a tool of diet culture that disconnects us from our bodies; we start to feel that we can’t trust ourselves, and that we need someone to tell us how to exercise, or shout at us to move. All of this means that we ignore our body’s cues for rest, and we push through injuries and tiredness when we shouldn’t. We should be honouring our body’s need for rest, and honouring its need to move.
food & health
Therapeutic not therapy
Movement can feel like adult playtime
Body acceptance Fitness doesn’t have a ‘look’. I really like to drive home that fit bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and all different abilities. In my books, the artwork and imagery show that, and I point people in the direction of others who prove that people of all shapes and sizes are engaging with their fitness, not just people who look like they’re on the cover of Men’s Health or Women’s Health.
Have fun! When we’re children ‘exercise’ isn’t a thing, it’s playtime! As we
get older and we have to start paying to go to the gym, it becomes exercise – a formality. There’s then a sense that if it’s fun, then you’re not working hard enough. Sadly, this strips all the joy away from it. If we re-engage with our inner child, then movement can feel like adult playtime. You get to do your favourite class with friends, or get outside in nature and take it all in! It should feel like a positive experience, and something that we can look forward to.
I believe that exercise shouldn’t be our sole self-care tool. We should have many tools, including movement, in our toolbox. When we use just one thing to soothe us, that can often lead us into unhealthy territory. Exercise gives me the strength, resilience, and opportunity to get my courage up, to then address the deeper stuff. During Covid, I was feeling all kinds of anxiousness, and I needed to get it out of my body, so I went for a run, which is a big deal for me as I don’t like running! When I came back, it wasn’t that the run had solved the issue, it was still there, but I was able to have my virtual therapy session, and really go into how I was mentally feeling. I like to help people understand that movement isn’t going to solve your problem, but it might help you with the resilience and strength to face it, and feel it.
‘The Train Happy Journal: 30 days to kickstart your intuitive movement journey’ by Tally Rye (Pavilion, £11.99) is out now. Follow Tally on Instagram @tallyrye happiful.com | February 2022 | 81
Mind over matter Tips for making meditation part of your daily routine Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
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t’s the ancient practice that is so often heralded as a fix for our modern lives, but it’s not just hearsay. Meditation and mindfulness as an area of study have soared in the past decade, as interest has risen and people want answers. And these studies have unanimously come back with positive results, finding that a huge range of conditions – including anxiety, depression, PTSD, IBS, and chronic pain – can be successfully supported by meditation. With health gurus, business moguls, and celebrities alike regularly pointing to this as the key to their high-flying success, it’s easy to take those examples and conclude that meditation must take a lot of effort, or that it’s for a ‘certain type of person’. But, of course, meditation didn’t start out as a means of refining the tools we need to seek financial and personal success. For Hindus and Buddhists, it was simply adopted to help create a state of mind which is beneficial to us, to connect with our bodies, and to notice
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everyday moments. What’s more, a study published in Behavioural Brain Research asked a group of non-experienced meditators to try either a 13-minute daily guided meditation session, or a 13-minute daily podcast for those in the control group, for a duration of eight weeks. What they found was that those who tried the short daily mediation had a decreased negative mood, enhanced attention, and a decrease in anxiety. Ready to give it a go? Here, we’ve collected together some of our favourite meditation tools for you to try out at home, as well as some guided meditations and affirmations that you can take on-the-go.
Practise with podcasts ‘12 Minute Meditation’
If you’re a newbie looking to replicate the study mentioned above, the ‘12 Minute Meditation’ is a great place to start. Ease yourself in with short, easily accessible meditations. Each meditation focuses on something
different, from gratitude to tuning-in to your body.
Those who tried the short daily mediation had a decreased negative mood, enhanced attention, and a decrease in anxiety ‘5 Minute Meditations’
Got even less time to spare? Dropin for five minutes of guided meditation with Lauren Gomola. Most of these episodes focus on breath-work and relaxation, so make good pick-me-ups before upcoming stresses.
‘Sleep Cove: The podcast to get a good night’s sleep’
Using a mix of hypnosis, guided sleep meditation, and bedtime stories, this podcast is all about
holistic wellness
Here, we’re sharing a simple, tech-free introduction to meditation, to help you make a start on your wellbeing journey:
helping you switch off and get a good night’s sleep. But what’s more, they offer meditations for a variety of different sleep problems, including for pain relief, spiralling thoughts, and confidence dips.
‘Meditation for Women’
Women often face a whole extra set of pressures when it comes to navigating day-to-day life, and this podcast is dedicated to creating meditation specifically designed to support and uplift women. Ranging from 10–15 minutes for regular meditations, with longer episodes offering sleep meditation and soothing sounds, there’s plenty to get stuck into.
‘Meditation Life Skills Podcast’
What do you want to get out of meditation? Is it freedom from anxiety and stress? A self-esteem boost, self-love, or perhaps something more spiritual? The ‘Meditation Life Skills Podcast’ offers episodes covering a wide range of subjects, and is a great starting point if you’re looking to refine the focus of your meditation practice. There are hundreds of podcasts out there for you to try, and with a full range of specialisms, you should be able to find your perfect introductory match. But, of course, you don’t need tech to get going and, in fact, you may want to make setting down your phone an important part of your practice.
1. Find somewhere quiet, where you won’t be disturbed, and where you can sit comfortably. If you want to, you can play some ambient music to help you find a calmer mindset. 2. Set a timer, or ask someone to gently alert you after a certain amount of time. If this is your first time, try starting with just 10 minutes, see how you get on, and go up from there. 3. Close your eyes. Try to clear your mind, and bring your attention to your breath. 4. Slowly, begin scanning your body. Start with your toes, noticing any sensations that you can feel, and then gradually move your focus up your body until you reach the top of your head. 5. If you find your mind wandering at any point, just acknowledge those thoughts, and try to bring your focus back to your breathing. Meditation truly is for all of us, and the potential benefits could transform your wellbeing. So give some of the different styles a go, and see where they take you. You may be surprised by the connection with yourself that you’re able to uncover. Interested in learning more about meditation? Head to therapy-directory.org.uk happiful.com | February 2022 | 83
I am. I have THE HAPPIFUL PODCAST
DR JULIE SMITHIZADI SHAHROO
GRACE VICTORY
TALLY RYE
NATALIE LEE MEGAN CRABBE
JULES VON HEP FIONA LAMB
• Listen • Share • Subscribe •
Listen to conversations with Dr Julie Smith, Tally Rye, Natalie Lee, Jules Von Hep, and many others, who share their passions, and reveal the moments that shaped them.
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positive pointers
How to enjoy your own company
Spending some quality time with yourself might feel daunting, but it’s a relationship worth nurturing. Here we explore how to embrace alone time… Writing | Caroline Butterwick
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itting in a café with just me, a latte, and my notebook, I’m absorbed in what I’m doing – and find it a peaceful, nourishing, and enjoyable experience. It’s taken me some time to reach the point where I’m happy spending time alone, especially in a public place, but it’s now an important part of my life. Feeling comfortable in our own company can be a challenge for many of us. We may feel awkward or self-conscious, or unsure about what to do, particularly those who are used to being around people. But solitude can support our wellbeing, giving us time to know ourselves better, and restore our energy. To understand the benefits of alone time, and how we can grow our confidence in spending time with ourselves, I spoke to Claire Elmes, an emotional wellbeing consultant, therapist, and life coach.
“Although we may be social creatures, being alone allows you to put your life into a unique perspective,” Claire tells me. “Finding fulfilment outside of the company of others, helps you think deeper and gain new confidence as you love yourself for your unique qualities.” Spending time in our own company can help us build a positive relationship with ourselves, and get to know ourselves better. “Of all the relationships we can have in life, one of the most complex ones can be our relationship with ourselves,” Claire says. “Often neglected, fostering a positive relationship with ourselves can positively impact our mental health and wellbeing.” For those of us in relationships, Claire says that spending time alone away from our partner gives us space to breathe and grow as an individual. She also explains that time by ourselves is
something that can nurture our creativity. This is certainly something I’ve experienced. The chance to think and reflect by myself helps my creative ideas to develop, often making unexpected connections. It also helps me make time for being creative. I’m a big fan of writing in cafés – I find the change of scene and background noise, combined with the sense of purpose that comes with sitting at a table with my notebook and pen, helps me generate ideas or work through problems.
Starting to spend time alone Despite the benefits, many of us feel uneasy about spending time by ourselves. If you’re most comfortable when with other people, being alone can feel daunting. When having time alone, think about what activities you’d like to do, rather than what you >>> happiful.com | February 2022 | 85
think you should be doing. You could use it as an opportunity to try something you’ve always wanted to, like a new hobby, or visit a place like a museum or restaurant that you’ve been meaning to try for a while but haven’t had the chance. “Choose things to do on your own that highlight your skills and interests,” advises Claire. “Doing something you actually like makes you look forward to doing it on your own, and more comfortable. This makes you feel confident in your own company as you do it. So if you love burgers, go to a burger restaurant. If you’re good at painting, maybe go to the local park and paint the landscape.” For me, going to a café by myself is now something I look forward to. Rather than being at my desk at home all day, I can enjoy the walk down to my local coffee shop, the indulgence of a nice hot drink, and the opportunity to have time to work on writing. It makes carving out this time for myself feel like a treat. If you find the idea of alone time difficult but want to give it a go, Claire suggests building up time slowly and encouraging yourself 86 | February 2022 | happiful.com
to schedule it in every day, even if only for a few minutes. She also recommends writing things down before or after you spend time in your own company, such as planning out what you’re going to do, or journaling about your experience. This can help give you the confidence to do it more.
Feeling comfortable alone in public While I’ve always valued time alone at home to do things like read or listen to music, learning to be comfortable in my own company out of the house has been a long journey. It’s easy to feel self-conscious when alone in public. In this situation, Claire recommends we turn negative self-talk into positives. “So instead of, ‘I am afraid I’ll feel awkward by myself,’ turn the narrative into a positive, ‘I enjoy my own company and my time with myself is valuable.’ If this feels too difficult, try a bridging statement, such as ‘I am learning to become…’” Claire suggests. When I first started going to cafés on my own, I was convinced that everyone was looking at me and wondering why I was
by myself. But as I grew more confident, I realised no one cared. I also noticed there were other people sitting by themselves too, which helped me feel more at ease.
Understanding loneliness It’s important to realise the difference between ‘being alone’ and ‘loneliness’. “Being alone is a choice, and one where the lack of contact
with others brings contentment, maybe even satisfaction and growth,” says Claire. “Loneliness can come with physical or social isolation, but is more of a feeling. For example, you may always be around people for work, or socialising with friends and family, but still feel disconnected and feel lonely. Loneliness can be made worse when you feel as though you are misunderstood by those around you.”
Loneliness can negatively impact our mental health, and signs can include sleep problems, feeling misunderstood or isolated, depression, anxiety, increased stress, and low self-esteem. “Loneliness is something everyone feels at times,” says Claire. “If you notice your dayto-day living is being impacted, reach out for support from peers and professionals.”
Recognising the difference between being alone and loneliness can help you in spending time by yourself. Try to acknowledge how you’re feeling. Are you just a bit uncomfortable with your own company because you’re not used to it, or are you wishing for contact with others? As much as I appreciate alone time, I’ve learnt to realise when I need to reach out and be with other people. I now actively enjoy spending time by myself, whether that’s snuggled up on the sofa with a magazine and a hot chocolate, or walking to a café for a coffee and writing session that nurtures my creativity. It’s helped me understand myself better and feel more confident, and see the value in making time for me.
Claire Elmes is an emotional wellbeing consultant, therapist, and life coach. Visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk for more. happiful.com | February 2022 | 87
The aftermath of anxiety
When a panic attack subsides, the lingering after-effects leave your mind and body feeling drained. Here are some expert tips to deal with this emotional ‘hangover from hell’ Writing | Nikki McCaig
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t’s the day after a big panic attack, and my head feels like lead. I’m on the comedown, still trying to re-attach myself to reality and find a fraction of normality in my uncomfortably dissociative state. I don’t feel like ‘me’ yet. I’m tired, achy, and drained. My body has been left tense and shaky, exhausted from the intense mental battle my mind has just taken me through. My muscles ache, my heart pounds, and my jaw is clenched, even though the panic is long gone. For those who don’t experience anxiety or panic attacks, this uniquely draining feeling can be compared to that of a brutal hangover; the morning after a night of drinking. With a mouth of cotton wool, shaky hands, and a churning stomach, you experience many of the same emotions and physical sensations – guilt, shame, exhaustion, and nausea to name a few. You have messages from friends
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and family checking in on your wellbeing, your house is a mess, and everything feels like effort. The high is over, but you just don’t feel grounded yet. But that form of ‘hang-xiety’ is common and understandable. There’s a logical process behind it, and you can pinpoint the exact reason why you feel the way you do. Perhaps it was due to those green-coloured cocktails, or the unexpected fourth glass of wine? Maybe it was that final sip of Prosecco that pushed you over the edge? You know you’ll recover, of course, and can spend the next week laughing in halfembarrassed shame about your disastrous antics while planning the next exciting night out. When it comes to panic attacks, however, recovery can be a much slower and more difficult process. I’ve been experiencing panic attacks and anxiety from the age of 11, and I know firsthand just how easily they can be triggered.
From long car rides to irrational health scares, anxiety can hit me when I’m least expecting it, and can drastically de-rail my day. I can endure multiple crippling panic attacks, embarrassing intrusive thoughts, shaking, nausea, and hyperventilating all before noon on some of my lowest days. My anxiety can be brutal and unrelenting, and there have been many days when I feared I’d simply lose myself in the panic. Eventually, after many hours, my panic will, without a doubt, end. The fear fades, my shaking hands will settle, and I can finally tell myself that the worst is over. But the next day, I’ll feel like an empty shell; a zombie with no energy and no motivation to do anything except sleep and rest. The thought of leaving the house can make me feel nauseous, my limbs are as heavy as lead, and I am tired. >>>
wellbeing
The next day, I’ll feel like an empty shell; a zombie with no energy and no motivation to do anything except sleep and rest
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Why are we so exhausted after an anxiety attack?
Psychotherapist Carol-Anne Cowie describes the post-anxiety fatigue as the natural process of the body following the hyperactivity of a stress response to a perceived danger. When the ‘fight-or-flight’ response is triggered by the sympathetic nervous system, the body releases hormones such as adrenaline; as well as diverting blood from ‘non-essential’ functions, releasing adrenaline mobilises glucose and energy, inevitably leading to exhaustion and feeling drained. When we experience panic attacks and anxiety, our brains and our bodies can experience a huge chemical and hormonal shift, taking us out of our typical physiological routines, and introducing new chemicals such as adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormone) instead. These hormones are fast-acting and intense, providing the physical symptoms of anxiety in rapid succession as our minds react to the imagined threat we’re facing. But once the anxiety has passed, our bodies can crash without the high of the stress hormones keeping us active. We feel unable to calm down completely after such a rapid spike, but unable to perk ourselves up either. Our bodies need time to re-regulate, to allow our nervous systems to fall back into their standard patterns, and to help our minds understand that we are safe. The physical sensations that can follow an anxiety attack are numerous. Carol-Anne explains: 90 | February 2022 | happiful.com
“This uncomfortable period may vary from around 10 minutes, to up to a week or longer, and can produce a variety of feelings such as exhaustion, frustration, confusion, depression, and emotional fragility.” You might find that you still experience small waves of anxiety in the days following an attack, or that you feel a little detached from reality as your mind struggles to ground itself. You might find it hard to focus, experience a change in appetite, suffer tense and stiff muscles, and disturbed sleep – all of which are the result of the sudden high and fall of your stress levels.
Common symptoms of post-anxiety anxiety • • • • • • • • •
Fatigue Restlessness Sudden waves of anxiety Shaking/trembling Change in appetite Disturbed sleep Mental fog/confusion Dissociation Muscle tension
How to care for yourself in the aftermath of anxiety The process of healing from an anxiety attack can be divided into two stages. Physically, we need to be able to reconnect with our
wellbeing
Our minds can take such a beating during a panic attack, and we should all give ourselves the time to reflect and heal from our own psychological distress bodies and allow them to relax again after such a distressing time. We need to treat them with kindness, carving out time for self-care, gentle exercise, and healthy eating. Try a soothing, warm bath and a gentle massage in periods of mindful downtime. Even putting on a simple face mask, and pampering your skin, can go a long way towards improving how you feel within yourself. But we also need to care for ourselves mentally. Our minds can take such a beating during a panic attack, and we should all give ourselves the time to reflect and heal from our own psychological distress. We should use this time to sink into meditative activities, and create safe, calming spaces for our anxious minds to relax in. It’s also likely that some leftover anxiety may create uncomfortable intrusive thoughts as you begin to heal, and you might start to worry that another panic or anxiety attack is coming. Your mind can fill with fears such as: “What if I panic again when I’m at work?”, “There must be
something seriously wrong with me,” and “I won’t be able to cope with another panic attack.” But it’s important to understand that these are just thoughts formed from your worst fears. They are not facts, they are not predictions, and they do not define how you truly feel. You are already recovering, and these feelings will pass. You will be OK.
How to help your body feel better after an anxiety attack Carol-Anne Cowie recommends the following to help alleviate some of the symptoms following an anxiety attack:
• Balance your body temperature, get fresh air if you are overheated, or stay warm as hyperventilation during panic attacks resulting in reduced blood flow can cause shivering. • Focus on breathing exercises such as ‘four-count breathing’ (inhale to the count of four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four, repeat) will help you to regain a sense of control and your body to enter a state of calm.
• Go for a walk, work off the adrenaline, and channel the energy so that it leaves the body, helping you to recover faster. • Dancing or shaking your whole body helps to regulate the nervous system after the fightor-flight response. • Have a warm bath with some magnesium and lavender to relax tense muscles. • Make a hot or cold drink. The familiarity of the routine of making the drink, and the comfort of tasting something you enjoy, can help to anchor your thoughts. At this moment, you need to be your first priority, and it’s important to understand the messages your body is sending you. Whether you feel you need to rest, to exercise, to relieve some tension, or just to get back into a routine, pay attention to the form of self-care that your body is craving. Carol-Anne Cowie is a highlyexperienced psychotherapist. For professional support and more information, visit counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | February 2022 | 91
5 things you should know before you treat PMDD with lifestyle changes If you live with PMDD, you may turn to lifestyle changes to treat your symptoms. But is there more to these options than first meets the eye? Writing | Shannon Western
P
remenstrual dysmorphic disorder (PMDD) is a very severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS), that has psychological symptoms including mood disturbances, low mood, intense anger, and anxiety. PMDD affects around one in 20 people with menstrual cycles, and is different from the more common PMS due to severe interference with work, social activities, relationships, and mental health and wellbeing. Due to the severity of symptoms, there is a desire for additional treatments aside from the usual treatment of hormonal contraceptives or SSRI antidepressants. Some people may choose not to opt for medications, while others may require additional treatments, as medication only manages their symptoms so far. Therefore there are numerous lifestyle changes that are often recommended.
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Here, we will review the management of PMDD with nutrition, weight loss, exercise, caffeine, and supplements, which are the most common complementary strategies.
Can food be your PMDD medicine?
If you suffer from PMDD, you may have searched online for “best foods for PMDD”, and been delivered lists upon lists of foods to eat, and foods to avoid. As a nutritionist, I am here to let you know that no one food or nutrient can cure or prevent PMDD symptoms. There are, however, some patterns of eating that might be supportive in those who are also taking medication for treatment, as an additional strategy. Here are some nutrition recommendations that may hold merit for management of PMDD: • Include whole grains: these contain B vitamins and fibre, which are linked to improved
mental health, and fibre can help reduce oestrogen dominance that is often found in people with PMDD. • Eat calcium-rich foods: including two to three portions of dairy, or fortified dairy alternatives, every day may help reduce headaches, low mood, and feelings of paranoia.
Should you lose weight to manage PMDD?
There is no evidence that PMDD is caused by, or exacerbated by a person being in a larger body. Weight loss recommendations are extremely common in healthcare, however, evidence shows that around 90–95% of people regain the weight they lose in two to five years. Instead of dieting, choose to take care of yourself with real health practices including: • Not skipping meals, and eating every three to four hours. • Including foods that you enjoy. • Learn to accept your body, and know that weight is not equal to health.
Managing with movement
One complimentary treatment for PMDD is exercise, specifically moving for 30 minutes per day. This may be effective for some, however, there are some things to note before going on a fitness regime to manage symptoms: • Rest and gentle movement, like walking or yoga, may be more beneficial than high-intensity exercise. • Making sure to fuel before and after exercise is essential to reduce fatigue, prolonged muscle soreness, and injuries.
food & health
Should you quit the lattes?
There is no evidence to suggest avoiding caffeine will reduce PMDD symptoms, however, a high intake of caffeine (more than 400mg) per day can increase sleep disturbances, which people with PMDD are very prone to. You don’t need to cut out caffeine completely, instead, try: • When PMDD symptoms are highest at around 10 days before your period, try to consume caffeinated drinks before midday. • Opt for decaffeinated options, such as decaf coffee and tea, or herbal teas like camomile and peppermint.
What about supplements?
The three most common supplements that are often suggested are calcium carbonate, vitamin B6, and Angus Castus. There is a term called the “whole food matrix'', which captures how different nutrients in foods react with one another. So it is not as simple as “this nutrient will reduce this symptom”. Before forking out money on supplements, try out some of the other suggestions in this piece to see how your symptoms improve.
Shannon Western is a nutritionist who specialises in disordered eating and women's health. Find out more by visiting nutritionist-resource.org.uk happiful.com | February 2022 | 93
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning ALBERT EINSTEIN
Photography | Jim Flores
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true story
At last, I’m in tune with myself A decade in the industry left singer-songwriter Natalie feeling fragile and disillusioned. But finding new ways to connect with her audience has given her the freedom to create and share music that calms and induces feelings of wellbeing Writing | Natalie Holmes
A
s soon as I uploaded my first YouTube video in 2010, I was addicted to the euphoria of sharing my songs with the world. I truly loved making music, with no questions or doubts, and it was only towards the end of university in 2013 that the light began to cloud. My song writing was being analysed and graded, and I was being asked by promoters how many tickets I could sell if they booked me, how many Facebook likes I had, or whether I could bring enough friends to ramp up the bar takings. Rarely did the music come into it. The vicious cycle had begun – I couldn’t get the better gigs if I didn’t already have an audience, yet I couldn’t build a reliable audience without gigs. Those I could get were hours of cover versions to drunken bar crowds, or (often better) to absolutely no one. I began to question the value of what I could offer the world, as people treated me like a free jukebox. I wanted to play to people, but I wanted to play to people who wanted to be played to. When those gigs came along, they melted some of the ice inside.
I started booking my own tours, seeking out shows designed for music lovers wanting to discover and connect with an act, so that I wasn’t trying to fit into somebody else’s mould. This was progress, and I loved meeting and staying with new people, and experiencing their kindness and passion for music. Shortly after university, in 2015, I had my first bout of MTD (muscle tension dysphonia) – which is a change in the sound or feel of your voice due to excessive muscle tension in and around the voice box. I’d never heard of it before, and after learning it wasn’t a physical ailment, but a culmination of learned bad habits, there was no clear way out, and it was torture. Six months of speech and language therapy saw me through some of my darkest days, teaching me that both speech and singing gave me purpose and connection with life. Somehow, I eventually walked out of that hospital labelled ‘fixed’, and continued to strengthen my voice. Somewhere around that time, Instagram really took off. The sudden expectation to be using this tool incessantly to broadcast every step of my journey was when the pressure on me really began to grow. >>>
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Luckily, in 2016, I got my first huge opportunity – a chance to showcase myself doing something wonderful, exciting and impressive, touring as a vocalist with a well-known group. Instantly the anxiety eased. I could objectively prove that everything I’d worked for up until then had amounted to something. I felt valued, and every day I had new photos of me performing to thousands of people to confirm it. I’m glad this was the way it happened for me, as it never felt forced or faked; I was with a group of mindful, loving human beings who made that tour genuinely beautiful. This is far too rare in the music industry. After a rollercoaster three months, I moved home again, but the pressure I’d left behind was waiting. Singing somebody else’s material to thousands hadn’t had the biggest impact on my own audience. However, I had a European tour to look forward to with friends – me and two other acts. We felt appreciated and valued, even when we weren’t making any money. In 2017, I used this new layer of confidence to move out of my parents’ house for the first time. This felt good, too, and proved that I wasn’t going in a reverse direction. Months into the move, I stopped sleeping, even though I had no tangible worries keeping me awake. Soon a new vicious cycle was spinning – worrying about sleep more and more, as I lost connection with reality.
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My first clear memory of the insomnia was knowing I had to drive for four hours the next day, play, and drive back – and if I didn’t sleep, then a light-hearted, pleasant day of work would turn into a very long, anxiety-ridden battle. I was soon to learn that this fearful state of endurance was only just the beginning. As I started living alone, I released an EP inspired by my time without a voice, ‘Calm Places’. It was a counter-argument to earlier songs I’d written, about working hard and racing to the finish line, and acknowledged the damage this can have on your health, and how a difficult time had made me aware of the beauty of not working. In 2018, I took this freedom a step further and released two singles, ‘Hideout’ and ‘Vessels’, where, for the first time since university, I let my instincts carry me from first word through to the end of production, without overthinking. Around this time, I also started a Patreon page, and began live streaming on Twitch. In comparison to all those gigs I’d played in the past, this was the ultimate space for me to get back in touch with my instinctual creativity with an accepting, enthusiastic audience. I got to jam like I was alone in my room, while connecting with, and being supported by, a constantly growing community of people. I started to realise that there isn’t one path for an artist in order
true story
Every struggle I’ve faced has taught me an invaluable lesson, and I wouldn’t change that to be successful. You must define what success means to you, and I saw that for me it means being able to increase wellbeing for people listening to my music, to feel valued, and hopefully make enough to live on without constant worry. My insomnia had made me focus so strongly on simply getting through the day in one piece, that I became more and more passionate about helping others remain connected to their reason for existing.
When lockdown 2020 kicked in, I decided to learn something new. For years I’ve been producing my own demos, but I never felt they were professional enough to release ‘officially’. So, I stopped making excuses, and invested some time and money into improving this skill, and finally released my first self-produced EP in August 2020. The EP explores my mental health at various times in this journey, and I hope it will impart some encouragement, like a warm arm around the listener’s shoulder. And recently, a piano instrumental album of mine has been licensed to be used on Calm, the meditation app. As I write, I’m facing my second bout of MTD, which surprised me right after I finished the EP, and I’m being tested to find again the strength I built five years ago. Every struggle I’ve faced has taught me an invaluable lesson, and I wouldn’t change that, because perhaps I wouldn’t feel as in tune with myself as I do today.
OUR EXPERT SAYS There’s such a fine balance between creativity and mental health. As a qualified speaking voice coach, I know anything that exposes our vulnerability or affects feelings, energy, or confidence can immediately impact our physical voice and the way we sound. Building inner strength, working with mental
wellbeing and our breath can and does have an amazing restorative impact. I’m sure Natalie will continue her journey and keep sharing her unique talents. Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach
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Things I wish I’d known sooner Your worth isn’t determined by other people’s opinions It’s impossible to please everyone – go easy on yourself
Asking for help doesn’t make you weak, it’s a sign of strength
Don’t live to regret, live to learn
Focusing on your needs isn’t selfish It’s OK to not have all the answers
Every day is a chance to learn something new
Be inspired, not envious
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You can have a huge impact on someone’s day without even realising it
You are not your negative thoughts
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