happiful - Issue 2 May 2017

Healthy Ideas that Change the World

May 2017

magazine

7 CONQUER STRESS AND SEIZE THE DAY!

steps to achieving everyday happiness WHY WE LOVE

MALE

REIKI THERAPY

ANOREXIA It’s no laughing matter (we asked a comedian)

TELEPHONE ANXIETY LEARN HOW TO DIAL DOWN YOUR FEARS (#breathe)

AMBASSADOR

HA P P I F U L . C OM | £ 4 . 0 0

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How the ‘Beauty Queen of the Jungle’ became a role model for mental health awareness

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The happiful journey

MARCH 2017 All these brands came together to create happiful magazine.

Healthy ideas that change the world.

MARCH 2010 Therapy Directory was launched.

JANUARY 2010 Nutritionist Resource was launched.

How did we get here?

We now have over 21,000 professional members across all of our sites, with more than 10 million visitors over the last year.

DECEMBER 2008 Hypnotherapy Directory and Life Coach Directory were launched.

DECEMBER 2005 Two sisters had a dream to help connect people in need with professionals who could help them.

Counselling Directory was born.

Since then, we have connected over 1 million people with counsellors and psychotherapists.

contents May 2017

The Uplift 6 Why men should care for their mates

Each month, happiful will pledge 50p from every print copy sold to our featured charity.

7 The secret to a good night’s sleep 8 The wellbeing news wrap 9 The nutritionist student

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10 Mapping Mental Health Awareness Week 12 How to combat fake news anxiety 14 Featured charity: Age UK’s dementia befriender 16 Children’s mental health books 19 happiful hacks

p40 Features p48

28 Cover story: Amy Willerton 40 The spirit of reiki 44 Dave Chawner: the anorexic comedian

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48 Urban utopias

True Life

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56 Personal journeys 70 Ask the experts 74 Little happiful things 75 Write for happiful

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Visit happiful.com for extended articles, features and interviews

Editorial Editor | Jake Hamilton jake@happiful.com

Writer | Rebecca Thair

rebecca.thair@happiful.com

Graphic Designer | Amy-Jean Burns amy.burns@happiful.com

Contributors Kat Nicholls, Ellen Hoggard, Becky Wright, Douglas Williams, Bonnie Gifford, Sam Sahota, Chris Bourn, Debra Kilby, Sian Davies, Claire McCarthy, Harry Newman, Matt Fleming

Welcome to

Special Thanks Imi Lo, Zetta Thomelin, Jane Barrett, Caroline Jones, Amie Sparrow, Graeme Orr, Karin Mueller, Fe Robinson, Jenny Newman, Joseph Sinclair, Kate Barbour, Alice Theobald, Joy Goodman, Roisin Donaghy,

happiful Well! It’s quite clear that 2017 is going to be a watershed year for mental health. We’ve had royalty revealing they sought counselling. We’ve had politicians and public figures speaking out against the stigma of mental health. And, of course, we’ve launched happiful magazine with the aim of creating a healthier, happier society.

Thank you all for the incredible support. I say incredible because you seem to want exactly what we want – open, honest communication. Together we can make it happen.

Our world is moving at breakneck speed. Every day we see another invention, another new discovery, another shiny gadget that promises to improve our lives. But there is something else, the most important thing of all, that we are still missing: ourselves. happiful is here to remind us that what truly matters in life is the person we’re sharing it with at this moment.

Enjoy the issue.

Marketing Marketing Manager | Matt Holman matthew@memiah.co.uk

PR Manager | Amie Sparrow amie.sparrow@memiah.co.uk

Digital Marketing and Brand Ambassadors Mel Cann, Carl Burton, Harry Newman, Emily Attewell

Communications Communications Team Leader | Kat Nicholls katherine@memiah.co.uk

Communications Executives

Ellen Hoggard – ellenhoggard@memiah.co.uk Becky Wright – rebecca@memiah.co.uk

Management Director & Co-Founder | Aimi Maunders Director & Co-Founder | Emma White Advisor & Co-Founder | Paul Maunders Finance Director | Steve White

happiful c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley Surrey, GU15 3YL hello@happiful.com

Jake Hamilton Editor

happiful is a brand of Memiah Limited.

The opinions, views and values expressed in happiful are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values. Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only.

We do not accept liability for products and/or services offered by third parties.

Our environmental pledge For every tree we use to print this magazine, we will ensure 2 more are planted or grown.

This magazine is FSC certified. Please help us preserve our planet by recycling happiful. Why not pass on your copy to a friend? Alternatively, please place it in a recycling bin.

Our 2 for 1 tree commitment is made of two parts. Firstly, we source all our paper from FSC certified sources. The FSC label guarantees that the trees that are harvested, are replaced, or allowed to regenerate naturally. Secondly, we will ensure an additional tree is planted for each one used by making a suitable donation to a forestry charity.

Memiah Limited is a private company limited by shares and registered in England and Wales with company number 05489185 and VAT number GB 920805837. Our registered office address is Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL.

happiful Issue #2 ‘Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans’ – John Lennon

The Uplift Positive news that transforms the world

Healthy news 6 The nutritionist student

9

Mapping Mental Health Awareness Week

10

How to combat fake news

12

The dementia befriender

14

Children’s mental health books

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happiful hacks 19

6

The Uplift | News

66 percent of UK men don’t talk openly about their feelings

Three in four suicides in the UK in 2015 were committed by men The organisers explain how you can look out for your pal in three simple steps: 1. Talking: don’t be afraid to put it out on the table, and ask straight up how your friend is getting on.

2. Listening: hear what they have to say with an open mind. No judgements here.

3. Honesty: leave awkwardness at the door – be yourself around them. Talking openly is just a new bonus level.

SOCIETY

British men encouraged to ‘be in your mate’s corner’ An ongoing national campaign emphasises the ‘men’ in mental health A Department of Health-funded campaign called ‘Time to Change’ has created an ambitious five-year plan to encourage men to have their mates’ backs when it comes to their mental health.

Run by charities Mind and Rethink Mental Illness, the ‘Time to Change’ campaign was launched with a video showing three guys stepping up like cornermen in a boxing match, showing their mate he’s got their support. It highlights the huge part men can play in allowing their friends to address mental health concerns.

Don’t worry – you won’t actually need to step into the ring. The biggest support you can give a friend who’s struggling with mental health issues is your time. The campaign wants men to pay attention to their friends and notice when something’s not quite right.

happiful • May 2017

SEXISM & MENTAL HEALTH New research published by the Journal of Counselling Psychology found that men who act the ‘playboy’ are more likely to have poor mental health and, worryingly, are less likely to seek help for mental health treatment.

Out of a staggering 6,188 suicides recorded in the UK in 2015, three in four were committed by men. Per 100,000 people in the UK and ROI, 16.8 men will kill themselves. With suicide now being the largest cause of death in British men under 35, as a society we urgently need to support men’s mental health. Research has found that 66 percent of men would not talk openly about their feelings, and of most concern, 31 percent of men said they would feel embarrassed about reaching out for help with their mental health.

Campaigns such as ‘Time to Change’ break down the stigma around men’s mental health, and make discussing our mental state and emotions part of everyday life. Through encouraging ‘normality’ around the subject, removing the awkwardness and ensuring that everyone in society feels the strength of a supportive network, we can hope that these shocking suicide statistics will be dealt a body-blow.

So, for all men out there, if you’d like to step up and help a friend who may be dealing with a mental health issue, now is the time to get involved. Make sure you’re there when he needs you most. Fight his corner when it comes to mental health support, and help him to deliver a KO to public stigma. Visit time-to-change.org.uk for more information.

The next issue of happiful will include a special feature on men’s mental health, focusing in particular on depression and suicide.

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Certain genes can affect your body clock

NEWS

Addressing the gender pay gap – it’s now the law Gender pay gap dealt a blow by new UK law, as companies must now publish salary differences

WELLBEING

The secret to a good night’s sleep?

It’s in your DNA Research finds the genes playing a large role in our sleeping patterns Understanding what contributes to getting a peaceful night’s sleep is of paramount importance to our overworked, ultra-stressed society.

Various studies have found connections between your genes and sleep patterns, but one of the most specific finds was from recent research led by Jason Gerstner at Washington State University’s College of Medicine.

Through studying mice, researchers found that when the FABP7 gene was disabled in the rodents, their sleep pattern was more disturbed than mice with the functioning gene.

Research later found that in a sleep study of 300 men, 29 had a variant of the FABP7 gene. These 29 males had a more fitful sleep, waking more regularly than the participants with the ‘normal’ FABP7 gene.

Another study, published in Cell, found that the CRY1 gene affects our body clocks, and having a variant of this gene can mean that people seem out of sync with the day. People with this variant might find it difficult to sleep at night or wake in the morning because their bodies are a few hours behind. Hopefully, future research will find ways to help people with these gene variants resolve their troubled sleep.

THE 20-MINUTE RULE The ideal time it should take you to nod off at night is 10 to 20 minutes.

If it takes longer, it could be a sign of sleep-onset insomnia, which can be caused by stress or too much caffeine. Avoiding TV (or your phone) just before bed-time can reduce brain stimulation and help you wind down before lights out.

On 6 April, a new UK law was introduced requiring larger companies to publish their pay gap figures before April 2018.

Companies with more that 250 employees are now required to publicly declare their company pay gap, with full breakdowns of the pay difference between male and female employees in various salary bands, and between the bonuses those companies give to men and women.

The Equality and Human Rights Commission will be enforcing the law, ensuring that over 9,000 UK companies comply. In total, the law looks to affect 15 million employees.

However, the Financial Times found the lack of a penalty makes the law seem more like a partnership with businesses rather than an implementation of punishments for those who do not comply.

The impact of the law could be significant. The gender pay gap currently stands at 9.4 percent for full time staff in the UK. But there’s a long way to go, particularly if companies will not face penalties for not complying.

LIFE

A nice cup of tea A new UK study has found that compounds in tea leaves can help prevent Type 2 diabetes, thereby confirming what every grandma has always known – a cuppa’s good for you. happiful • May 2017

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The Uplift | The Wrap

wellbeing wrap Weird, wonderful and welcoming news

Och aye, Scottish windpower!

Some of you will love this, and others will hate it. Researchers at the University of York say they have identified a potential link between consuming Marmite and the apparent increase of gamma-amino butyric acid, a chemical messenger associated with healthy brain function.

‘Finally, someone realises I’m good at my job!’

A new study published in Cyberpsychology shows that bragging on Facebook can backfire.

When a post is seen as ‘bragging’ (like above), researchers say it’s better coming from a friend than yourself.

happiful • May 2017

time with you (sorry, dog lovers)

A new study from Oregon State University finds that cats prefer human interaction to every other stimulus type, including food, toys and other cats.

In March, wind turbines provided enough energy to meet the electrical needs of 136 percent of Scottish households, or the equivalent of 3.3 million homes, and supplied 1.2m megawatt hours of electricity to the National Grid.

Nuts about nuts

-second hugs

Marmite may be brain food

Cats love spending

Photograph | Marmite: Sheila Fitzgerald / Shutterstock.com

The

According to new UK research, a hug lasting seven seconds or longer can release a happiness hormone, which boosts our mood levels.

Hugs release a chemical called oxytocin that gives us a warm, happy feeling, yet a third of Brits receive no hugs at all. Over 3.2 million Brits believe hugging relieves stress and helps them to relax and unwind. They would like six hugs a day, but have to settle for two.

VIDEO GAMES MAY BE GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH (but bad for your sex life)

Eating more peanuts could help prevent heart attacks and strokes, plus suppress levels of harmful blood fat, claim scientists in a new study (funded by, er, The Peanut Institute).

New research in the US journal Addictive Behaviors shows clearing rows of Tetris polygons may help clear your mind of addiction cravings such as coffee, alcohol, junk food, drugs, or sex.

“For somebody who’s been injured for eight years, being able to move just that little bit is awesome”

Bill Kochevar, from Ohio, USA, who suffered a cycling accident eight years ago that left him in a wheelchair, has regained the ability to move his arm and hand thanks to a microchip in his brain that reads his thoughts and then translates them into instructions to his muscles.

30-50%

Men and women who don’t take holidays are 30 to 50 percent (respectively) more likely to suffer heart attacks than those who do, according to a new long-term US study.

Conclusion? A work-life balance is essential, so book your summer holidays today!

The word

What’s the diddums?

New mums and dads, you’re not alone. British babies cry more than almost anywhere else in the industrialised world, according to a new study published by the Journal of Pediatrics. Babies in Denmark, Germany and Japan were found to cry the least. In the UK, crying peaks at about 135 minutes a day at six weeks, before gradually reducing to an average of 70 minutes.

COMPLICIT

is trending after Ivanka Trump told CBS News “I don’t know what it means to be complicit” The fabulous woman behind the MerriamWebster Twitter account has become a star on social media. Lauren Naturale’s sassy but informative tweets for the esteemed American dictionary now reaches 400,000 followers.

Celebrities and politicians beware!

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Tomorrow’s experts today

The nutrition student Sumaiyah Karim is studying nutrition at Leeds Beckett University. She talks with happiful about her passions, and why obesity is often misunderstood Interview | Ellen Hoggard

Hi Sumaiyah, where did your interest in nutrition come from?

I’ve always had an interest in nutrition but I never thought about using my interest as a career. I started university studying sport and exercise science, but by the second semester I had fallen in love with the nutrition module. I got in touch with the course leader and that was it. I kept wondering if I’d made a mistake, but it’s a move I’m glad I made as I enjoy everything about it.

Sumaiyah: “I’d like to work in an obesity clinic. Obesity is a complex phenomenon and should be treated as such.”

There must be so much to learn!

There’s a lot to learn but the course is set out well. We have lectures and practical sessions in kitchens or laboratories. I’m very interested in obesity and childhood obesity. There’s been an increase in obesity, and it brings with it bags full of other health issues and risks. That’s the thing that’s often misunderstood: it’s not about being a perfect size, because there is no such thing. It’s about the health of your body and how that affects your life.

What are your views on the current nutrition scene?

I think the growing interest in food and wellbeing is great, but people need to be careful where they get their advice from.

Unfortunately, ‘nutritionist’ isn’t yet a protected title, so anyone can say they’re a nutritionist and give advice on social media. Clean eating is interesting because being healthy allows for balance – I guess it depends on how far you go in being ‘clean’.

Regardless, it’s important to seek advice

from nutritionists who have studied the subject thoroughly at university.

What about the controversies that surround nutrition?

Nutrition itself is quite black and white. For example, breast vs bottle feeding is a big one. There’s been extensive research and the advice is to breastfeed if possible. This doesn’t mean there aren’t disagreements.

For many reasons, mothers choose to bottle feed, which is their right as a parent.

But realistically, the disagreement is professionals vs manufacturing companies.

We know that formula milk is similar to breast milk, but it isn’t the same and that’s what manufacturing companies aren’t going to advertise because that won’t increase their profit.

You graduate in 2018 – what’s next?

I’d like to see myself working within weight management, like in an obesity clinic.

Obesity is a complex phenomenon and should be treated as such. It has many aspects including psychological, social, dietary and exercise. Hopefully I’ll get back to you with a great outcome!

Finally, what advice do you have for anyone looking to study nutrition?

Go for it! If you have a passion, then do your research on the courses available.

Make sure they are accredited with the Association for Nutrition (AfN).

Remember, you’re going to university to learn and sometimes it will be difficult, but it will be so worth it in the end.

happiful • May 2017

Mental Health Awareness Week Join the national debate between 8–14 May and get involved with local events in your area that hope to bring about change!

LET’S GROW!

GLASGOW Date: 14 May | Time: 1pm Address: 12 Queen’s Crescent, Glasgow Details: Spend Sunday with LGBT Health and Wellbeing’s Mental Wellbeing Project and Woodlands Community Garden.

THE LIVE WELL FAIR

LIVERPOOL Date: 5 May | Time: 3pm Address: Litherland High School, Sterrix Lane Details: A local fair offering a range of activities including exercise sessions, drama workshops, arts and crafts, and healthy eating demonstrations.

MUSIC & MORE!

IMPROVING WELLBEING IN SCHOOLS

POWYS Date: 8 May | Time: 9am Address: 1 West St, Knighton County Details: Knighton and District Community Support is organising a week-long live music series that aims to inform, promote and celebrate good mental health.

POSITIVE STEPS AROUND STAFFORDSHIRE

BRISTOL Date: 12 May | Time: 10am Address: Life Cycle UK Details: Join a bike ride from Bristol to Priors Wood to look at the bluebells, as part of the Bike Minded Project.

CHESHIRE Date: 8 May | Time: 3.30pm Address: The Quinta Primary Academy Details: Free workshop for teachers to explore how wellbeing can be supported in their schools.

STAFFORDSHIRE Date: 8 May | Time: 9am Address: Stafford Civic Centre, Riverside City Details: A school nurse-teacher is delivering assemblies to high schools around Staffordshire on positive mental health and how to keep healthy.

FAMILY FUN DAY

BIRMINGHAM Date: 14 May | Time: 11am Address: St Wilfrids Community Centre Details: A bouncy castle, face painting, DJs, competitions, cake stands, tombola lucky dips and prizes to raise awareness for mental illness.

SHAKESPEARE MARATHON

STRATFORD-UPON-AVON Date: 7 May | Time: 9am Address: Stratford-upon-Avon Details: Half marathon in support of better mental health for all, particularly children’s wellbeing.

BIKE MINDED GROUP RIDE

MIDSOMER BEAUTY’S NAIL TREATMENTS

SOMERSET Date: 8 May | Time: 7pm Address: Holly Court Arcade, Midsomer Norton Details: When a customer gets their nails painted with Viva La Lime Lights polish, £5 from the treatment price goes to a mental health charity.

STEP BY STEP DANCE WORKSHOP

BOURNEMOUTH Date: 6 May | Time: 9.30am Address: Piccadilly Hotel Details: A charity dance workshop with all the proceeds going to the charity Mind. Ticket prices range from £12 to £25.

A happiful guide

Find out more about each event at mentalhealth.org.uk

COFFEE MORNING AND BAKE SALE

DURHAM Date: 5 May | Time: 11am Address: Southfield House, Southfield Way Details: The Durham Land Registry Charity Committee is holding a coffee morning, bake sale and raffle.

STEPPING STONE THEATRE FOR MENTAL HEALTH

LINCOLN Date: 9 May | Time: 1pm Address: Ruston Sports & Social Club Details: A theatre troupe will perform extracts from a variety of plays to raise awareness.

SPOT THE SIGNS AND SAVE A LIFE

ST ALBANS Date: 8 May | Time: 9am Address: 11 Hatfield Road Details: A Hertfordshire-wide week of mental health awareness and events.

BRINGING YOUR WHOLE SELF TO WORK

LONDON Date: 10 May | Time: 8am Address: UBS, 5 Broadgate Details: Join UBS for breakfast, with compelling insights into how mental wellbeing is the key to flourishing at work.

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The Uplift | The Explainer

Writing | Douglas Williams

The Explainer

How to combat the fake news blues Bogus news reporting is causing genuine social anxiety.

Here’s how to self-check the facts and find the genuine article

We’re bombarded with news headlines every day, whether we know it or not.

When you browse your social media feeds, check your mobile alerts or click on your favourite bookmarks, you’re potentially exposing yourself to hundreds of developing news stories from around the globe. Hey, it’s a fastmoving world and keeping up to speed has never been more important, right?

Apparently not. A recent YouGov survey suggest the majority of people in the UK can’t tell the difference between real news and fake news. In the States, things are worse, where a new Pew Research Center report suggests that 23 percent of Americans are complicit in the fake news epidemic.

What happened? The news was once a central pillar of British society, but since 2012 the storm clouds have been gathering. First, we weathered the phone hacking scandal, then came the Scottish referendum, and finally the rumbling thunder of Brexit. Late last year, the motherlode arrived in the guise of the US presidential elections – ‘alternative facts’ became the new news.

To crown it, none other than the new leader of the free world, Donald Trump, pushed the internal media discussion of

happiful • May 2017

bogus news into the mainstream at his very first press conference as Presidentelect, when he accused one of the world’s largest and most respected news organisations, CNN, of being ‘fake’.

Suddenly, the entire media industry was accused of being the public enemy.

Remember that media spat about Trump’s inauguration crowd size? Or whether it rained or not? And while we’re on the weather, why is climate change now being labelled a ‘hoax’? The news headlines are becoming ever more ridiculous, such as the story about a dead gorilla receiving 15,000 votes in the US election (it didn’t).

In the UK, we haven’t done much better. There were dodgy numbers painted on Brexit buses, immigrants on posters, redesigned Tobleroneinspired non-invasions of Switzerland, and ‘scare-tactics’ at every turn. It’s thoroughly depressing. So what can be done in these days of post-truth?

Well, while there’s no doubt the news is important and bogus untruths offend us all, it’s worth remembering that today’s news is tomorrow’s chip wrapper.

News changes fast and what’s big today might well not seem so big

tomorrow, so we should remember to keep a healthy perspective. Thankfully, news is rarely actually life-threatening.

Similarly, we must be aware that reposting or sharing fake news can cause offence.

Next, it’s worth recognising that although ‘The Donald’ dropped the fake news bomb into the mainstream, the idea of fake news has been around for as long as news itself.

So why the big brouhaha now? That’ll be the internet and the way it has massively ramped-up how it breaks developing news. Newspapers are, like, so yesterday, yeah?

Where once there was a professionally trained human editor person vociferously scrutinising each and every fact, now we have cut and paste, post and share, and Adobe Photoshop – beautifully simple but potentially lethal tools for modern democracy.

This is why it’s incumbent on us all to differentiate between real and fake news, demanding the former and completely ignoring the latter.

So how do we make this happen?

Firstly, as you scroll through your newsfeed, turn on the slightly more sceptical and pedantic side of your

Illustration | Carlos Amarillo / Shutterstock.com

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brain. Query and question the source material, and the source itself. Where is your news coming from? If it’s a news site you’ve never heard of, then deafening alarms bells should ring out – it could quite conceivably be a needy teenager with a chip on his shoulder and a talent for desktop publishing.

The source is crucial and even the sources within the source.

If anything about a story smells fishy, trust your instinct: it probably is fishy. Check the dateline – viral fake news stories get recycled – and don’t waste energy getting angry about something that may or may not have happened three years ago.

Real news has a sell-by date and it’s usually less than a week. As for the major media companies, stick to the biggies while accepting they have their biases – BBC, CNN, The Times, and so on. They haven’t got to where they are today for nothing, and each has its own ‘fake news department’ to fact-check their coverage. They are also largely accurate, contrary to what Trump believes.

In truth, the biggest purveyor of fake news is the world-crushing duopoly of Google and Facebook. Increasingly, we all get a chunk of

“Just as you take what you eat seriously, so you should take what you read seriously”

our daily news from Facebook. This intrusive blue friend has been the recipient of much fakery-related criticism by the News Media Association. If you have doubts as to the veracity of a story or article on Facebook’s newsfeed, do the world a favour and simply report the post by selecting “I don’t think it should be on Facebook” and then tagging it as a “false news story”, thereby greatly reducing its traction within those allpervasive algorithms.

Facebook is working to rid itself of fake news by ensuring its trending stories are ranked according to the number of organisations covering the story rather than the number of individuals sharing it. This is sure to help. We’re still waiting to hear back from Google – they never share their secrets – but both Facebook and Google are currently investing squillions on factchecking services to overcome the fake news phenomena, so fair play to them.

The world is changing, and so is the way we find out about it. It’s important to keep calm, rational and curious. Just as you take what you eat seriously, so you should take what you read seriously. Don’t believe any old garbage because you read it online. Instead, set an example by checking the news before you share it. The truth is out there.

happiful • May 2017

“I really wanted to do something

where you’re building a relationship with an individual”

The moment I realised

I want to help people with dementia Mohammad Khan shares the life-changing impact volunteering as a ‘dementia befriender’ has had on his outlook Interview | Rebecca Thair

M

ohammad Khan found himself at a loss after university, struggling to find a passion in his work, and looking for a deeper connection to his community. Volunteering with Age UK transformed his world – his outlook and his career. He also found himself reevaluating what meant most to him in life.

Tell us a bit about yourself, and what first inspired you to volunteer.

I was born and bred in Camden, but my parents were originally from Bangladesh. Growing up, I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do. I went to Warwick University and studied engineering, but to be honest I didn’t really have a strong interest in it. When I came back home to Camden, I did a bit of a soul-searching. It was then that I realised there was this whole world out there, and that’s when I started volunteering.

What drew you to Age UK?

I tried lots of different volunteering, but it was when I happened to be reading up on dementia that I saw an advert

happiful • May 2017

from Age UK Camden on dementia befriending and so I applied. We have this perception in our culture around older people being wise, and that you have a lot to gain from them. My parents always talk about it, but we didn’t have as much opportunity to experience that because not all of our family is here. I really wanted to do something where you’re building a relationship with an individual, so I began dementia befriending.

What is dementia befriending?

Dementia befriending is where you’re matched with an individual who has dementia, and is isolated. With the isolation element, they have no regular contact with friends or family, so you end up being the primary face they see on a long-term basis, and you commit to visiting them once a week. The beauty of it is there’s no particular skill or any kind of person you need to be: it’s for anybody.

I was matched with Margaret, a Caribbean lady. You obviously try not to focus on the dementia element, but you’re aware that their memory or understanding is impaired in some aspects. As I started building a relationship with

Featured charity Each month happiful will pledge 50p from every print copy sold to our featured charity.

Time is so important.

Just being present is undervalued

her, I realised how much I enjoyed it, and how much I was getting out of it myself. She was a very loud, outgoing, funny character – very forward, asking about your personal life, who you’re dating. Through meeting her, I realised that I wanted to help people for a living.

What emotional impact did volunteering with someone with dementia have on you?

As she got more unwell, it was a really moving experience to be there for somebody in the last chapter of their life.

Obviously, it can be quite a powerful, emotional experience, but at the same time I realised there’s a beauty in being there as someone comes to their end. She gave me a lot of advice on what she found important in life, and the love she had for her husband who’d passed. I could feel the deep impact her love had on her, and even though she couldn’t remember everything, there was such a deep and powerful connection you could still see in her eyes.

While it was difficult when she died, I was really honoured to have been there for her. After a while I was placed with a man who lived in an ‘extra-care’ home – self-contained flats that have additional communal facilities and support staff. It was the first time I’d regularly been in a care-setting and I loved Ester Randall Court. It was such a positive environment. When I saw an opportunity to work there, I just went for it and began my career as a care worker.

What do you enjoy most about caring for those with dementia?

Without you there, that person might not be able to do simple things like having breakfast, getting up in the morning, or even going to the toilet. To have your basic needs supported is such an important element of your dignity and humanity. To be the person who facilitates that and makes it possible is such an honour. It’s more than a job.

That really struck me.

Do you have any moments or people that stand out for you from volunteering?

With Age UK, I’ve volunteered with four people, and all four have had completely unique stories and lives. There was one man who was quite troubled, and had such vivid hallucinations that he’d describe things and I’d be paranoid myself that something was there. Working with people with dementia does have its challenges, but you learn a lot even from the difficult experiences, and they’re so rewarding.

The lady I visit now has early stage dementia, and she’s so independent and active. If you talk about being the best version of yourself, she is a great example of that. She’s mourning her husband, doesn’t have family, has had 14 operations, but she’s so motivated to walk and her diet is impeccable. You really feel the life-force is strong in her.

What advice would you give to someone caring for a person with dementia?

Time is so important. Just being present is undervalued.

Having a shared history with someone is really powerful, and visiting them consistently builds that connection. They might not remember the places you’ve been or even your name, but there’s an emotional memory that’s really strong in people.

What would you say to anyone considering getting involved with volunteering?

I can’t advocate volunteering enough. It transformed my way of thinking, not just from a career point of view, but almost as an identity for myself. It’s so empowering in a mutually beneficial way. I’ve met so many wonderful people and heard incredible stories. It’s beyond words – it makes you value the smaller things and what you want from life.

You can find out more about Age UK and how you can support the charity at www.ageuk.org.uk. Follow them on twitter @age_uk

happiful • May 2017

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A grown-up’s guide to

children’s books

by Bonnie Gifford

happiful • May 2017

TOPIC KEY

YOUNG ADULTS (14+ YRS)

Addiction Anger

THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER Attempting to navigate through first dates, family drama, drugs and new friends, introvert Charlie can’t stay on the sidelines forever.

Anxiety ASD Bullying

CRANK

Depression

Based on the story of a real, destructive monster.

Crystal meth transforms 17-year-old Kristina into a reckless, unrecognisable addict.

Eating Grief

THE TRUTH ABOUT ALICE

Illness

Rumour has it that Alice is a slut. As rumours start to spiral out of control, four students tell all they ‘know’ about Alice. But is it the truth?

Mental Health OCD Social Awareness

SECONDARY SCHOOL (11+ YRS) A MONSTER CALLS

Struggling to cope with his mother’s terminal cancer, Conor is visited by a monster who will tell him three amazing stories. But which one is true?

WINTER GIRLS

Best friends Cassie and Lia are determined to be thin. But when Cassie is found dead, Lia must choose – continue to lose weight, or choose life.

13 REASONS WHY

Weeks after his classmate’s suicide, Clay finds a series of tapes giving 13 reasons why she did it.

Clay is one of those reasons. Now a hit TV show.

BULLIES, CYBERBULLIES AND FRENEMIES: TEEN LIFE CONFIDENTIAL

A practical guide to navigating tricky relationships and beating bullies, plus advice on bullying behaviours.

THE UNLIKELY HERO OF 13B

Everyone can be a superhero in their own way – even a 14-year-old boy struggling to deal with divorce, step-siblings, and OCD.

PRIMARY SCHOOL (5–11 YRS) THE HUGE BAG OF WORRIES

THE BOY IN THE DRESS

HAVE YOU FILLED YOUR BUCKET TODAY?

THE ILLUSTRATED MUM

THE PRINCESS AND THE FOG

SKELLIG

Wherever Jenny goes, her big bag of worries follows. Can anyone help her offload them?

Everyone carries their good thoughts and feelings in a bucket. Doing something kind fills other people’s buckets. Doing something mean empties them.

Once upon a time there was a Princess who was happy and had everything she could ever want, until along came a fog.

Meet Dennis. He loves football and wearing dresses.

From comedian David Walliams comes a story about healthy hobbies and acceptance.

Dolphin loves her colourfully tattooed mum, but her older sister Star wonders if their mother’s erratic behaviour is really good for them.

Michael’s world seems uncertain. They’ve just moved and his baby sister is seriously ill, when he stumbles across something magical.

PRE-SCHOOL (0–5 YRS) OWL BABIES

A gentle bedtime story, reassuring young children that their mummy will always come home.

ORDINARY MARY’S EXTRAORDINARY DEED

Can one child’s good deed actually change the world?

An ordinary girl from an ordinary school starts an extraordinary chain reaction.

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR

Translated into more than 60 languages with over 41 million copies sold, The Very Hungry Caterpillar has taught generations of children about healthy eating.

ISAAC AND HIS AMAZING AUTISM SUPERPOWERS

Meet superhero Isaac. He’s here to explain his amazing Asperger superpowers. Recommended by the National Autistic Society as ‘a delightful book, full of positive messages’.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

When Max wears his wolf outfit and misbehaves, he’s sent to bed early. That night, a forest begins to grow in his room, taking him to the wild things.

BADGER’S PARTING GIFT

Knowing he will die soon, badger tries to prepare his grief-stricken friends.

Supporting your wellness journey by connecting you with expert advice and qualified nutritionists in your area. www.nutritionist-resource.org.uk Use our website to find out more about a range of nutrition topics and to connect with over 600 qualified nutrition professionals across the UK.

6

happiful

Hacks Having trouble navigating through this thing called life? happiful is here to help.

Hack your way to better health with these wellbeing quick fixes

>>>

20

The Uplift | happiful Hacks

4 smart ways

How to eat healthier at work

A busy office can be a hive of bad temptations and poor eating habits, but it doesn’t have to be that way Writing | Ellen Hoggard

When making changes to your diet, it’s usually breakfast and dinner that are easiest to fix. But when you’re sitting at your desk and snowed under with work, poor eating habits can raise their ugly heads. The office can be full of temptations – from colleagues’ birthday cakes to charity bake sales.

We’ve got four top tips to help keep you motivated: Stay hydrated Many of us commonly mistake hunger for thirst, so make sure you stay hydrated. Keep a large bottle of water by your desk and fill it once in the morning, and again after lunch. If you think you’ll forget, set a reminder on your phone. This way, you can track how much water you’re drinking and when you feel hungry. If you aren’t keen on the taste of water, add fresh fruit for flavour. No excuses!

Meal prep in advance At happiful HQ, we like to prepare lunch in advance. Doing this early in the week ensures we’re eating a

happiful • May 2017

balanced meal and helps keep us away from the local cafe (which also means saving money). The secret is to be organised. Plan your meals in advance.

Write a list and go shopping on Sunday, so you’re ready to prepare the same evening. You’ll wake up in the morning feeling proud, we promise.

Be snack savvy Having healthy snacks readily available prevents any temptation during that mid-morning hunger hour. Stock up on nibbles that you can keep in your desk drawer and you’ll soon forget there’s a colleague’s birthday cake waiting in the kitchen. Some of our favourite midmorning snacks include carrot sticks and hummus, blueberries, fruit and nut mix, overnight oats and homemade protein balls.

Take a lunch break Seriously, it’s important you take a lunch break. Be sure to take it away from your desk, and preferably out of the office altogether. Research suggests almost two thirds of Brits are eating

lunch ‘al desko’. We understand it’s hard to take a break when you’re facing daily deadlines, but a lunch hour gives you time to clear your mind, improve your blood circulation, ease your posture, and helps you re-energise. Seriously, what’s not to like?

Staying healthy at work can be daunting, but when it comes to picking up new habits it’s important to be prepared and organised.

If you’re feeling under pressure, share your goals with your colleagues and ask them to help you keep on track. Remember, sometimes all we need is a helping hand. If you feel you need professional guidance, We consume one third of our consider talking daily calorie intake at work, but to a nutrition a healthy lunch can boost energy professional levels and increase productivity. who can help For more information, visit start your new nutritionist-resource.org.uk journey with confidence.

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hot tips

Do you have telephone phobia?

How to dial down the fear of making phone calls Writing | Becky Wright

We use mobile phones every day.

They’re our browser, our alarm clock, our calendar, our shopping trolley, and even our pocket library. Phones play a vital role in our daily lives. They put us in touch with the rest of the world, and they do it with the touch of a button.

So why are we avoiding spoken phone communication? It seems we’d much rather send a text, a notification, an email, heck even a message in a bottle would do the trick. Anything to avoid that dreaded telephone call.

The fear of making phone calls – telephonophobia – can impair our happiness. Yet what happens when a phone call is absolutely necessary?

Whether you use the phone for business or personal reasons, it doesn’t make it any easier to overcome phone anxiety. And just as with any anxiety, it won’t simply go away. It requires work and perseverance.

Continuing to ignore your phone anxiety may help your discomfort in the short term, but things could get worse in the long term, to the point where rather than simply avoiding phone conversations unless they’re essential, you avoid them altogether.

These four tips should help you dial down the anxiety:

about before you make the call. Then write down all the positives from the call when you’re done. What went well? What didn’t go so well? Were things better than you expected? Keep these notes as a log of your journey in overcoming your anxiety and look back on them when you need reassurance.

Go somewhere private That’s not always possible if you work in a busy office, but taking the call away from other people’s ears can reduce some of the pressure. A lot of our anxiety stems from the fear of being exposed to other people who can hear us. Remove that obstacle and you might suddenly feel more confident and comfortable in making the call.

Write yourself a script This actually works. Make a note of what you need to say and then use it as a guide to get you through the conversation. But don’t overly rely on it! Remember, the person on the other end of the phone is a real human being – you can’t anticipate everything they might say or ask you. Just keep it loose.

Prepare for the dreaded voicemail!

The thought of having to leave a recorded message can be equally as daunting as having to pick up the phone receiver.

However, even leaving a voicemail can be practised.

Dial your own phone, or the number of a friend, and let it go to voicemail.

Leave a message, then listen back to it. What did you like and dislike? Make some notes and then re-record your message. Practice makes perfect. And don’t fret about the sound of your own voice. We all sound strange to our own ears!

Compile a before-and-after list Write down everything you’re nervous

Still feeling anxious? Why not try hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk

happiful • May 2017

22

The Uplift | happiful Hacks

5 steps

How not to screw up a first date Extinguish the nerves and ignite your passion on that special night Writing | Rebecca Thair

Movies and novels of how couples first meet often have that magical sheen to them, and don’t seem to match up with your own experiences of dodgy first encounters in real life.

Don’t fret! You are most definitely not alone in having those pre-date night nerves, or feeling the dread and pressure of dining with a total stranger in a restaurant. If you think about all the things you find off-putting on a date, you can deduce the key elements that contribute to a really enjoyable connection, and let the sparks fly.

Firstly, relax We may be stating the obvious, but worrying too much about how you come across, or whether your chit-chat is going down a storm, means you’re not being present in the moment and enjoying the company. When you let yourself relax, that’s when you’ll find out if you are truly compatible.

Ask questions Showing a genuine interest in your date and what they have to say allows the conversation to flow. Even if you don’t know much about the subject they’re interested in, asking more about it could lead you to a place where you do have common ground.

Positive body language The way you feel towards your date will be very evident from your body language.

While you don’t want to overthink anything, noticing when you might be putting barriers up out of nerves can help

happiful • May 2017

you to avoid anxiety. Try and remain as natural as you can – the more comfortable you feel, the more this will come across. Avoid crossing your arms. Look to maintain eye contact – that’s where you’ll feel that personal connection starting to grow.

Offer to pay It doesn’t matter what gender you are, how much you earn, or who asked who out – offering to pay is a sign of politeness. No one person’s time is worth more than another’s, and even if you end up doing the cheque-dance and your date decides to pay the bill, at least offering to pay shows you’re generous. Of course, if you had a salad and they ordered three massive courses, perhaps you can suggest splitting the bill.

Don’t worry if it doesn’t work out You can have a great first date without wanting to go on a second one.

Sometimes the spark just isn’t there.

Don’t beat yourself up about it, or overanalyse everything that didn’t go quite as well. Not everyone is compatible. The important thing is to have some fun, and remember that for every date that doesn’t work out, it’ll be easier to recognise a genuine spark and connection when it comes along.

Talking to a life coach can help address any relationship concerns you might have, and help you find the confidence to work towards your personal goals as well.

Visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk

23

calming techniques

What to do when you feel totally overwhelmed Ever get the feeling you’re being swamped? Sadly, this is all-too-familiar for many of us, leading to stress, anxiety and a sense of being completely engulfed by outside forces. Here’s how to get through it Writing | Kat Nicholls

Is work asking too much of you? Are your personal commitments becoming a burden? Do you have too much on your plate right now? Whatever the cause, it’s important to know there are practical ways to stay cool, calm and collected. When things get a bit hectic at happiful HQ, it’s mindfulness that saves the day. Here’s our quick guide to four calming techniques that you can use to stop feeling overwhelmed: Breathing exercises Focusing on your breathing may sound frivolous, but it honestly works wonders. Certain breathing techniques actually stimulate the body into a state of relaxation, which is perfect for those ultra-stressful days. Try breathing in for the count of five and then exhale for the count of eight. Repeat for as long as needed to feel calm.

Another practical tip is to cover your right nostril with your thumb (right hand) and breathe in through your left nostril. Then cover your left nostril with your ring finger (right hand) and breathe out through your right nostril.

Breathe in through your right nostril, out through your left and repeat.

Take up yoga Yoga is the ultimate in mindful

movement. Your entire attention focuses on the way you move and breathe, leaving little room for racing thoughts. Of course, making the time to introduce yoga into your hectic daily life requires planning and commitment, but the rewards for both your mind and body can be life-changing.

Explore aromatherapy Focusing on your senses is a common mindfulness practice. Using aromatherapy oils can help ground you in the present moment. Try using scents like sage, lavender and frankincense to help you stay present and relaxed.

Talk it over Naturally, we always recommend talking to someone about the way you feel to see if anyone can help lighten your load. A quick word with your line manager or an honest chat with your partner, family member, or close friend asking for help could be all that’s

needed to take the extra pressure off.

Don’t suffer in silence. Remember, prioritise self-care and consider what holistic therapies could offer you to alleviate the stress. There are plenty of treatments out there that are natural, help promote relaxation and reduce tension.

Still feeling overwhelmed?

Counselling can help, as can complementary therapy. Visit therapy-directory.org.uk for more details.

happiful • May 2017

24

The Uplift | happiful Hacks

5 smart habits

Clever ways to reduce stress and enhance your personal goals Everyone has stressful elements in their life, but that shouldn’t stop you from achieving your personal vision Writing | Sam Sahota

The signs of stress aren’t always obvious, but the effects can manifest in your day-to-day life or on your physique. The good news is that we don’t have to tolerate stress. We’re responsible for allowing stress to enter our lives, and if we can let it in, then we have the power to let it back out by taking small steps and changing our habits. These are not radical changes. Implementing minor but important lifestyle changes can create

happiful • May 2017

fundamental and powerful shifts to help us cope with stress. Here’s five smart ways: Breathe This may seem obvious, but breathing correctly is something most of us fail to do. The subconscious mind controls our breathing patterns, so for the best part of the day we are unaware of whether we’re doing it correctly or not.

Most people have shallow breaths from

their chest, whereas using your belly and taking deeper breaths will help to relax you.

One way to do this is by placing a hand on your chest and the other hand on your belly. Take a deep breath.

If your belly rises, you’re breathing properly. If your chest rises, try practising until you’re using your belly.

The benefits of breathing properly are profound and also a great tool to increase concentration.

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Rest Stress can cause sleepless nights full of worry, and without adequate rest your health can spiral radically downwards.

Feeling constantly tired due to a lack of quality sleep can have a major impact in other areas of your life from becoming irritable at home or unfocused at work.

Use breathing exercises to help relax you before going to bed and sleep for as long as your body needs. Reduce the time you spend watching TV in the evenings and get to bed earlier – in order to perform well, your physical and mental wellbeing must be in sync and totally recharged.

“The only thing stopping us from improving the quality of our lives is our own limiting belief that we can’t do it”

Meditate Mediation relaxes the mind and body, and brings you into the present moment. If you are spiritually inclined, it also teaches you that the soul and body are two separate entities. The body will perish one day, but the soul is eternal. If you’re not spiritually inclined, meditation is still a superb method of reducing stress, inducing calmness, and regaining a greater sense of perspective.

Meditation also increases your awareness and teaches you to live as your genuine, true self instead of how you think everyone else wants you to.

During meditation, you’ll visualise and receive many subconscious messages that can act as your guide. When you become proficient enough, you’ll be able to analyse these messages, allowing you to decipher the useful from the useless in your life.

Exercise The body needs daily exercise, so whether you go for a brisk walk, practice yoga or do jumping jacks, you’ll feel energised, invigorated and will release endorphins. Your body is the vehicle you’ll use for the rest of your life, so it makes sense to treat it well and to keep it in shape.

Positive thinking Things don’t always go to plan in life, but don’t worry – you’re not alone in that respect. The important thing to remember is that it’s how you handle a setback that truly sets you apart. Have a positive attitude. Self-castigating only compounds stress. Unfortunately, we all encounter people who speak down to us or mistreat us in our lives. Does it make sense to do it to yourself as well?

As you learn to control your breathing and practice meditation, you’ll recognise the negative thought patterns you’re having. When you do recognise them, eliminate them and replace them with empowering, positive words and images of support and encouragement.

The only thing stopping us from improving the quality of our lives is our own limiting belief that we can’t do it.

Be courageous and see how great you’ll begin to feel.

Want to know more?

Just a few small tweaks to your daily routine can improve your life. Speaking to a life coach on lifecoach-directory. org.uk can help you work further on reducing stress in your life and achieving your personal goals.

happiful • May 2017

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27

loving support

How to help a grieving friend Things you can do and say to support a loved one during their time of need Writing | Rebecca Thair An inevitability of life is death. We all experience loss at some point, and will often see people we love grieving. It’s a difficult time when you want to help and alleviate their pain, but finding the words can sometimes feel impossible.

The pressure of wanting to say the perfect thing, combined with the terror of saying something wrong often leads us to say nothing at all.

The important thing to remember is that just by being there for someone, even if you don’t say much, is in itself an expression of support and love.

There are a few things to keep in mind when comforting your friend in this difficult time: Acknowledge their loss Just asking how someone is doing and giving them a hug allows them to approach the subject if they want to.

Give them the opportunity to open up and let out their sorrow if needs be, but also make it clear it’s fine if they want to avoid the subject. By acknowledging the situation up front, you can remove any awkwardness you may feel.

Sympathise, don’t empathise Everyone experiences grief differently.

Saying, ‘I’m so sorry for your loss’, or ‘I can’t imagine what you’re going through’, might seem commonplace, and even natural, but it will feel much more supportive than turning the conversation on to how you’ve coped with grief in the past. Saying ‘I know how you feel’ can be well-intentioned, but implies that the love they had for their person wasn’t unique.

We all have strong connections to people we have lost, but remember that this time is about your friend. They need to be allowed to grieve in their own unique way, regardless of what happened to you.

Offer to help With losing someone close, there can be a lot of everyday things to sort out while still processing the grief. Keeping on top of daily routines can be difficult, so show up with the house essentials – milk, bread, dinner, tea and biscuits.

Offer to pick the kids up from school or walk the dog.

There are those little tasks, like cancelling a phone or gym contract, where they have to say the words – ‘my loved one has died’. They can be caught off-guard and get emotional talking to a stranger, so offer to help with anything that you can.

Bring some positivity Whether it’s reminiscing over the person who’s no longer here, distracting them with your own story of something embarrassing that happened at work, or making a plan to come back and have a catch-up in a few days’ time, a momentary relief from the sorrow can truly help a grieving friend.

Even if bringing up happy memories results in a few more tears for you both, it can be cathartic, and it’s so important not to lose those precious golden memories of the people you love.

If you or someone you know has lost someone and is struggling with grief, speaking with a professional can help.

Visit counselling-directory.org.uk to find a counsellor near you. happiful • May 2017

Interview | Jake Hamilton

THE FREEDOM FIGHTER Since her rise to fame on I’m a Celebrity and The Jump, Amy Willerton has sought to balance her public celebrity with her private life. Now the TV presenter and former Miss Universe Great Britain has found a new role – as an ambassador for the National Autistic Society

Photography | Joseph Sinclair

W

e are driving somewhere through south London on the way to Amy Willerton’s next appointment when the driver makes a wrong turn and stops for directions. So I’m alone in the back seat with the former Miss Universe Great Britain and I glance at her side profile.

She really is strikingly beautiful. Amy doesn’t notice me because she’s eating a sandwich. It’s been a busy day. I start talking about her recent TV appearances. As an ambassador for the National Autistic Society she’s been doing the rounds on the daytime shows, drumming up awareness. Amy says she loves live TV. Aren’t you nervous, I ask, of talking to millions in front of a live camera? Apparently not. “If you have a script in your head and you’re trying to remember certain phrases, it never works,” she says. “The best way is to improvise while being yourself, because if you slip up and make mistakes you’re slipping up in your own way, and people immediately recognise the real you.”

It’s a savvy observation for a 24-year-old. I’ve interviewed Hollywood stars twice her age who admit to freezing up on live TV, but this former beauty pageant queen and star of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! and The Jump seems genuinely unfazed. “I like being out my comfort zone,” she says. “I guess I love the freedom.”

To understand why Amy Willerton loves freedom, we have to look at her background, which is pretty unremarkable except for one remarkable thing. She comes from a normal middle class family in Bristol. Her mum, Sarah, is a teacher and her dad, Bruce, now retired, is a keen gardener. She has a younger sister, Erin. It’s a tight-knit family, mainly because Amy’s brother, Ross, is severely mentally disabled.

Ross has an ultra-rare condition called mosaicism in which his cells have a different genetic makeup. “He was born with an extra part of a chromosome which means, mentally, he will always be a one-year-old,” she says. “It’s completely unique. There’s one other person in Australia who has something similar to him, but we don’t really have anyone we can compare him to. Scientists still don’t fully understand it.”

When Ross was nine months old, the family realised something was wrong. On top of the mosaicism, he developed severe autism, and then later, epilepsy. But Amy didn’t see it is as a big deal. There’s only two years between them so the earliest she remembers Ross is as early as she remembers anything. She just knew he was special. “Ross doesn’t know he’s got anything wrong with him. He’s got no idea. For me that’s one of the best things. Conditions where

children are mentally fine but can’t physically move are a lot more torturous, whereas my brother is in la-la land and just wants to talk about Winnie-the-Pooh.”

The simplest way to describe Ross’s condition is to see him as a toddler in a 6ft 4in man’s body. He has full physical capabilities but no speech. Amy communicates with him using Makaton sign language. When he can’t communicate, Ross has what Amy calls ‘frustration fits’. Unlike us, he’s got no way of telling someone if something is wrong. “He used to throw his head against the wall, it was awful,” she says. “But with Makaton it allows him to tell us when something is not right.” Her family learned through trial and error. “His brain works very differently to how our minds work, so we had to re-wire everything backwards and make decisions that on the surface make no sense.”

As Ross grew older, Amy remembers the arguments between her parents. Her mum couldn’t accept Ross being the way he was and her dad couldn’t accept that her mum couldn’t accept. It became a barrage of intensity. Amy couldn’t bring her friends over to the house because her mum was worried that Ross would react badly, and she was always very insecure of people judging him. It’s these experiences that propelled Amy towards the National Autistic Society, especially their campaign to improve public understanding.

When Ross was eight, the family found a special needs school, St Christopher’s, in Bristol, which Amy calls ‘the most amazing school in the world’. Ross went to live there during the week and came home at weekends. “That school changed our lives,” she says. After turning 18, Ross was moved to a Milestones Trust residential care home, where he also boards throughout the week and returns to the family at weekends.

It gives him structure. But the ideal scenario is for Amy to build a little house in her garden with a full-time carer so she can be with him all the time. “I want to work very, very hard to achieve that dream,” she says. “Although he’s happy where he is, it would be nice to see him all the time and not just at the weekends.”

I ask Amy if she shares a private language with Ross, which produces squeals of laughter. “Oh god, yes I do! I make a lot of very strange noises only he understands!” Can she give me an example? “Honestly,” she giggles, “I can’t make the noises I make for Ross with you!”

She says Ross, now 22, is an amazing judge of character.

“I’ve been more worried about bringing my boyfriends home to meet my brother than I am my dad. If my brother doesn’t like you he’s not going to hide it. My dad’s quite polite, but Ross has no problem leading you out the door and then shutting it in your face. No qualms!”

As for her parents, Amy says they’re closer than ever because they have fought the battles together. “I can’t see them ever splitting up,” she says.

When Amy talks about family, or relationships, I sense a brooding shadow lingering over some of her words, and it soon comes to light. “I also have a cousin with severe autism, and another cousin with Down’s syndrome, and all on my dad’s side of the family,” she says. “It’s really worrying because I want to have children some day and when I look at my family pattern there are three children with disabilities all in one generation. It’s scary.”

“

When I’m scared I stop and think about my brother [who has mosaicism]. He makes all my problems seem very small

happiful • April 2017

Has she taken the tests? “Yes, they told me it’s not genetic, it’s just bad luck,” she says. “They said it can’t get passed on, but in my head it’s too ironic.” And she definitely wants children? “Definitely. When the time comes for me to have kids I will re-take the test and find out what’s causing this to happen in my family. There’s now non-invasive testing for unborn babies, and although that brings up a whole conflict of ethics, for me it’s something that’s a really good progression because having lived and dealt with our situation, I think it’s important to decide if it’s something you want to take on, because it’s a lifelong job. They never grow up and they never leave home.

They will always be children.”

Amy calls Ross her inspiration.

“He makes all my problems seem very small,” she says. “When I’m scared, I stop and think about Ross.

At least I have the ability to do things, right? Imagine if I didn’t have the physical ability to go on The Jump? He pushes me to be a better person.”

She radiates natural confidence, so it’s a surprise to discover Amy was bullied at school. Her school days were a lonely time where she struggled to make friends. She was a quiet and shy child who sat in the background. “I was never in a gang,” she says.

“I never had a girl squad. I was always a loner. A lot of bullying is about segregation where you’re made to feel like you’re not good enough. I kept trying to prove to people I was good enough. Eventually you have to go your own way. That’s when I stopped making decisions based around people who didn’t care about me and started to become the person I wanted to be.”

There was a defining moment at school when Amy saw a girl with learning disabilities being bullied by a girl squad. They were taking pictures of the girl and then posting them online with horrendous comments.

Even though Amy herself was being bullied, she stormed into the cafeteria and took the girls to task in front of the entire school. It was a proper shouting fest. “I completely lost the plot,” she says. “But I actually got a lot of respect for it. I was shaking afterwards, but it was something that had to be said because nobody was defending this girl and she didn’t know it was happening. I always found it very difficult to keep my mouth shut.”

Soon after, her life changed dramatically. Out of the blue she was scouted by a modelling agent while walking down the street with her sister. “There’s a woman following us!” she whispered to Erin. The woman introduced herself and asked if she had considered modelling, which Amy thought was a joke. She had always regarded herself as uncool, with really bad acne, and she wore glasses and a brace. Her first reaction was: “Really, you want me?” She was 15.

Amy started modelling part-time for a bit of extra cash along with her babysitting income.

A special bond: Amy’s brother, Ross, has no speech. She communicates with Ross using Makaton sign language.

two stone. “I thought, nope, not interested, that’s never going to happen.” Instead, she got into her pageants in a major way. And she was winning them, all of them, including Miss Universe Great Britain, even with her extra two stone.

Her fame went through the stratosphere when Amy appeared on I’m a Celebrity in 2013, with 14 million people watching the show nightly. After filming, she flew home to the UK and suddenly realised everybody knew who she was. “I had just come from Miss Universe,” she says, “so I had lost a lot of weight in the jungle. People saw me as this very slim girl.” Going back to normal life meant going back to eating normally, which meant putting on weight. Critics said she had gotten fat. “It actually took me a long time to accept my normal weight,” she says. “The expectations were that I was this super-slim model, whereas I’ve always been a curvier girl.”

The media scrutiny was fiendish. Amy had to apply a whole new set of rules just to survive. “With pageantry, I was always in a crown and sash.

If I wanted attention I would wear my crown and sash. When I didn’t, I took them off and I was just Amy. That was my relationship with fame. I thought With just two years between them, Amy calls brother Ross her ‘inspiration’ it was an on-and-off switch.

Suddenly, I didn’t have that switch.

It scared the crap out of me. I felt I had let myself down, let Modelling gave her a sense of acceptance. She was also a bit my friends down, let my parents down. I punished myself. of a swot. Having aced her exams, she was accepted at the Fame can make you feel like you’re not yourself any more.”

University of Cardiff. That’s when she saw an advert for a Amy hit a wall of anxiety. She was constantly worrying Miss Bristol competition in her local newspaper. “I said to about going out in public and what people thought of her. my mum ‘I’m going to become Miss Bristol’. She thought I “It took a lot of time before I realised you’ve got to have selfwas mad.” They made a pact that if she won Miss Bristol she acceptance,” she says. “You can’t be angry and blame yourself. could defer university for a year. Reluctantly, mum agreed.

You have to be more forgiving. When I make a mistake, I Amy won. “I never did end up going to university,” she says now ask myself what I’ve learned from that mistake. Selfcheekily. “That one year deferment turned into six years.” acceptance allows you to make choices about who you There was always plenty of modelling work, but Amy says want to be.” it’s a tough business. “I saw a lot of bad things very early Suddenly, Amy looks troubled. I ask if she’s okay. She’s on in my career,” she says, “so I never developed any bad worried she’s coming across as a virtue-signalling celebrity. relationships with food, or my self-esteem.” In one of her I tell her she’s coming across as the real deal. She then first modelling jobs she saw girls eating cotton wool buds to tells me she used to take everything she read about herself fill their stomachs without taking in calories. “I remember so personally. Now her motto is ‘Don’t believe your own thinking, I never want that kind of relationship with food.” bullshit’. As long as she knows who she is, and as long as her Amy took the leap to join a major modelling agency in family, her friends and her boyfriend know who she is, then London but the first thing they asked her to do was lose

“

I measure success by how happy I am.

Why put pressure on yourself if it’s going to make you miserable?

“

Photo: Featureflash Photo Agency / Shutterstock.com

Fame scared the crap out of me. I felt I had let myself down, let my friends down, and let my parents down. I punished myself

Amy doesn’t give a damn what anyone else thinks. “I don’t take the coverage so seriously any more,” she says.

“I never read the comments. I read the articles, but if it’s not how I want it to come across I don’t let it eat me up inside. And I don’t blame anyone else for my problems.”

Amy has another motto: ‘Measuring success in happiness’. Previously, she measured success by how much money she earned, and by what people thought of her. It later dawned on her that some of her most successful times, fame-wise, were also her most miserable. “I now measure success by how happy I am.

Why put pressure on yourself if it’s going to make you miserable?”

You would think the pressure of being invited to join the celebrity-crunching TV hit, The Jump, would see her running for the hills. Not a chance. “I was so excited!” she says. “It was more dramatic than I ever thought it would be because you’re living on the edge.

You wake up every morning and fight the fear. It scares you!” She’s got to be joking. “No! I love that feeling when you’re able to break through your fears.”

Amy was involved in a horror crash during filming and the bookies expected her to quit. She spent a week in recovery doing positive meditation. “It’s not physical, it’s all mental on The Jump,” she says.

“Whenever I felt the panic coming on, I took myself back to a calm space and breathed out the tension.”

She came back stronger and more confident than ever.

This is the same Amy who used to be scared going into shops because she was too shy to face the shopkeeper.

The girl’s got guts.

She won’t name names but Amy says she has loads of friends with massive anxiety problems. “Seriously, every other person I meet has some form of anxiety.

It’s so common now. It’s really sad that people feel so scared.” Amy partly blames social media. “I sound like an old woman but I think we should set a limit where we live more in the real world and less in the online world. I don’t want to spend more time taking pictures of something than I do actually experiencing it. I’d rather live in the moment.”

We’re back to freedom again.

“Growing up in a strict routine with Ross meant I didn’t have any freedom,” she says. “Now I don’t know what’s going to happen and I find that exciting. I’m a bit of a deviant, to be honest. I like bending the rules.”

I ask Amy about future projects and it’s all she can do to stop herself from breaking the rules and blurting out her media calendar. She wants to do more live TV, and more TV challenges, and she’s got her own haircare range coming out, so we can add entrepreneur to her credits. Her mission is to build a brand that runs on its own. Why? Because it will give Ross his dream home, and allow Amy absolute freedom. Somewhat awkwardly, I ask Amy to define the essence of freedom.

Quick as a shot she fires back the famous quip from John Lennon. “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans – that’s me.”

Styling: Kate Barbour Hair: Alice Theobald at Joy Goodman using Lanza Make-up: Roisin Donaghy at Joy Goodman using Mac and Ark Skincare

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Feature | Reiki

The spirit of

The gentle art of channelling ‘universal energy’ through the body is considered a safe and non-invasive method of natural healing. But how exactly does it work?

Writing | Rebecca Thair

R

eiki is an increasingly popular alternative therapy choice, promoting a spiritual, holistic experience.

The treatment encourages the idea of balance and harmony within the body, and while it’s spiritual, it’s not a religious experience so can be enjoyed by anyone.

It’s found to be particularly effective for those looking to reduce stress or find relaxation, with practitioners believing that life energy flows through everything, and that stress and illnesses occur when this energy is obstructed. Through clearing and balancing these energies, overall health and wellbeing can be restored.

What is it?

Reiki is a Japanese healing technique, where a therapist uses hand movements and gentle touch to affect the body’s energy channels. It is considered holistic, addressing the body, mind and spirit, and falls into the category of energy healing.

The word reiki stems from two Japanese words, which,

happiful • May 2017

when combined, translate to ‘universal spiritual energy’.

Practitioners are attuned to this, and can channel the universal life energy to help others, without affecting their own. Through the therapy’s ability to relax a person, it aims to reduce stress and stimulate healing with the energies aligned effectively.

There are three different levels of reiki, based on the practitioner’s attunement to the life energy. The first level is primarily focused on learning to be attuned with the energy, and practicing it on yourself. The second level is called ‘okuden’ and translates to ‘the deepening’, where you delve more deeply into your personal practice and can perform reiki on others, realising how to clear blockages in said energy. The third level is where you become a ‘reiki master’, and are at a level where you can then teach others the art. It would be expected that you would have spent a considerable amount of time at level two, engaging with patients and exploring the energy before choosing to become a master.

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Where does it come from?

Reiki has existed since pre-Neolithic times, but it was brought into the present day by Tendai Buddhist Mikao Usui in Japan towards the end of the 19th century. Born in 1865, he came from a reasonably wealthy Buddhist family, studying at a traditional Buddhist Monastery, as well as mastering Samurai swordsmanship. He was a very open-minded individual, looking to learn about all sorts of medicine, religions, and energy, which led him to be interested in the idea of healing others in a way that wouldn’t deplete his own energy levels. He continued his studies in China to learn more about medicine, before returning to live in a monastery and discovering more about enlightenment. It is the combination of these ideas that led him to develop modern reiki, which primarily encourages you to heal yourself first, in order to be able to heal others. He went on to train people in the therapy, and pass on his knowledge of the art over the years.

The Western version of reiki (primarily used in Europe and the United States) is likely to have stemmed from Hawayo Takata, a woman who lived in Hawaii but had Japanese heritage. During a period of ill health in 1935, she visited family in Japan and sought treatment there. After being advised to have an operation, Hawayo instead believed a voice had told

Practitioners believe that life energy flows through everything, and that stress and illnesses occur when this energy is obstructed her there was an alternative way of healing. Her doctor informed her of a clinic offering reiki treatments, which she attended and had daily sessions. Within a few months, she found she was no longer unwell and felt so inspired by her situation that she trained in reiki herself, and later brought the therapy back to Hawaii in 1938. As World War II erupted across the Pacific Ocean, Takata slightly altered her reiki therapies and teachings to be more acceptable to Westerners, probably due to American mistrust of Japan at the time. Her art-form survived the war and continues to be practiced globally today.

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Feature | Reiki

The seven spiritual chakras Reiki treatments look to work with the seven centres of energy in our bodies

Crown chakra is situated towards the top of the head, connecting us to our overall spirituality.

Third eye chakra is in the forehead, and associated with wisdom and intuition. It’s about seeing the bigger picture so you can make better decisions.

Throat chakra is found in the throat, and relates to communication and our voice being heard by others.

Heart chakra is in the centre of the chest, and connects to love, forgiveness and our feelings towards others.

Solar plexus chakra is based around the stomach and relates to our perception of self in the wider world, and with how confident and ‘in control’ we are in our life.

Sacral chakra is just below the navel and is about our connections to others through relationships, creativity and sexuality.

Root chakra is found around the tailbone and represents our connection to the wider world.

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For anyone feeling emotionally overwhelmed or disconnected, reiki can bring a sense of inner calm, much like with meditation

What’s the medical evidence?

There have been clinical trials evaluating the effectiveness of reiki in reducing pain, anxiety and stress. Research published in Holistic Nursing Practice

by AL Baldwin et al. in March 2017 studied the effect of reiki on patients who were undergoing knee replacement surgery.

The study separated 46 patients into three groups.

There was a reiki group, a placebo or ‘sham reiki’ group, and a ‘standard of care’ group. Only the group receiving reiki showed significant reductions in pain, anxiety, blood pressure and their respiration rates.

This initial study was based on a very small group of participants, and so further investigation in a full-scale clinical study would be necessary in the future to find reliable data. The positive outlook from this trial does, however, suggest hope that in the future there could be medical evidence to support the use of alternative therapies in conjunction with traditional medicine.

How does it work?

Reiki is considered a safe and non-invasive method of natural healing. During a session, you can remain fully-clothed and lie on a treatment table, where the practitioner will place their hands either on your body or just above, in a series of light motions. The hand movements are made in association with the major chakras, which are believed to be the centres of our bodies that energy flows through.

Chakras open naturally during a reiki treatment, and through focusing on clearing any blockages to these energies, it is believed that the overall balance in the body is improved, leading to ailments clearing as well.

These can range from headaches and insomnia being focused around the head, to colds and arthritis through other various points on the body.

The experience itself is often described as quite an emotional release. The therapy encourages deep relaxation, and to let go of negative emotions such as fear and anxiety. For anyone feeling emotionally overwhelmed or disconnected it can bring a sense of inner calm, much like with meditation. Some people even describe feeling a radiant glow around themselves, all contributing to an overall positive effect on the mind and body. Improving your emotional wellbeing could affect your physical self as well, with anxiety often manifesting itself in headaches, an upset stomach or sore muscles.

The key difference with reiki compared to other forms of therapy is its non-invasive element, which makes it perfect for those who are uncomfortable with removing clothing, contact with needles, or applied pressure. If you respect personal boundaries, you may actually prefer reiki to other therapies.

When considering a reiki session, as with any therapy, it is vital to feel comfortable with your professional. Do some research and read reviews on therapists to see if they sound right for you. You can always give them a call first or pop into their clinic to make sure you connect. That way you’ll get the most out of your first reiki session.

Visit therapy-directory.org.uk to help you find a qualified reiki specialist in your local area. After a long week at work it might be just what you need to address the imbalance and bring some calming wellness back into your life.

happiful • May 2017

“One of the most common things with eating disorders is that people don’t feel ‘anorexic enough’”

I refuse to be embarrassed about my anorexia Stand up comedian Dave Chawner is on a mission to break the silence of eating disorders – by making people laugh Interview | Rebecca Thair

I’d love to reach an audience who have no experience of mental illness, and have them turn around and say, ‘I get it. I understand it’

C

omedian Dave Chawner, 28, not only makes your sides split, but opens your eyes to mental health issues. As a campaigner for Beat, the UK’s leading eating disorder charity, he wants to share his battles with anorexia with mainstream audiences.

We caught up with Dave for a chuckle and a chat.

When did your relationship with food start to become unhealthy?

I was very lucky in the place I grew up. Nothing traumatic happened, and I didn’t have access to drugs or drink. But I felt like I had no coping mechanism, and in a subliminal response to my situation, the anorexia became something I used to distract me from everyday life.

I got a lead role in a play, and had to appear topless in it. That was the first time I’d ever really thought about my body. Then I started dating this girl who was amazing and wonderful – my first-ever girlfriend. She broke up with me at the same time that I had exams looming and UCAS applications. It was all going on at once.

When I began to lose weight, people told me ‘you look good’, ‘this is good’, ‘well done’. And I started to associate losing weight with being ‘good’, which is a kind of strange societal thing we have where we demonise weight. It became a diseased coping mechanism that, I’m not going to lie, I absolutely loved. It took years for me to realise that what I was doing was unhealthy.

Did you obsess over numbers – like BMI or calories?

One of the most common things with eating disorders is that people don’t feel ‘anorexic enough’. Even though I was severely, clinically anorexic, I never tell anyone my BMI or weight from back then, because even now I still feel ashamed that it was too high.

Anorexia is such a greedy disease that you’re never good enough, never anorexic enough. I think focusing on BMI is a fundamental misunderstanding of mental illness. That’s where we need to educate people. If someone said to me, ‘I’ve got cancer’, I would never dream of asking, ‘How big is the lump?’ I would never think of treating any other health condition like that. As soon as we start seeing the people and the patients behind those numbers, we can break that stigma.

You ended up in hospital for ‘coffee-loading’ – where people consume larger amounts of caffeine to sustain energy and stave off hunger. How did you find the support in hospital?

My treatment has been wonderful. I can’t help but think that my treatment has been better because I’m a bloke with anorexia. If you read the literature, 10 years ago anorexia was described as ‘silly, white, middle-class girls’, but as soon as we recognised that men get eating disorders, it’s like it’s the first time people take it seriously. I walked into that Eating Disorders Unit and I was that purple cow.

There’s another thing that’s very common in anorexia, because when you stop feeding your body, it obviously doesn’t have any fuel so you become constantly cold. And when I say cold, I mean pathologically cold. I went to the doctor and he said, ‘Look mate, put on a jumper.’ I’m not having a go at GPs at all, but it’s such an insidious, secretive disease, and there’s so many signs that people don’t recognise.

For anorexia and bulimia it’s things like coffee-loading, obsessively using chewing gum, and rituals with food or going to the bathroom. We tend to see people who are very anxious and perfectionistic. There are loads of different indicators that are just not getting picked up at the moment.

At what point did you realise you needed help?

When I was 17, I slipped into it, but it took until I was 20 or 21 to realise I was anorexic. I was working in a boarding school over the summer holidays and all the food was catered for – pizza, pasta, chips. There was no calorific value, no choice, no healthy option, and it amazed me how much I began to unthread. I skipped meals, exercised during the night, drank too much coffee, and would binge and purge.

One of the teachers came up to me and went ‘I’ve been in therapy for bulimia three times, and I thought you might be anorexic?’ She just said it in a normal, non-sensationalistic way, and asked me rather than telling me that I was anorexic.

When I started doing this show, four or five years ago, I started talking about the anorexia and that insidious ‘not feeling anorexic enough’ came up again. A couple of close friends knew this, and it was difficult, but I actively wanted to die from it. I don’t mean that in a melodramatic way. I knew the way it would go. I knew my medical history. It was only when the depression got me that I was really like ‘I can’t

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Feature | Dave Chawner

Anorexia is such an insidious, secretive disease, and there are so many signs that people don’t recognise

bear this.’ I wasn’t feeling sad and listening to Damien Rice – I was feeling nothing. I felt nothing for so long that I went to the doctor. I got referred on, and refused treatment for the anorexia four times because I said ‘Please, please, please, don’t take this away from me.’ Luckily, a woman at Lambeth Talking Therapies said ‘You know what, we can treat the depression and not the anorexia, but you wouldn’t expect your laptop to work if you didn’t charge it. So, bottom line, we can treat it, but it’ll do f*ck all.’ I had to make a decision, and I genuinely just couldn’t bear the depression.

You speak very openly about what you went through in your comedy shows. Is it easier for friends and family to discuss it with you now?

Because I didn’t choose to have anorexia, I refuse to be embarrassed about it and can talk very openly to anyone about it. But with my parents and sister, I just can’t. It’s the guilt. It’s the one thing I don’t think I’ll ever get over. They didn’t do anything wrong. They couldn’t have done anything.

But I still put them through hell and that’s something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to reconcile.

What advice do you have for anyone concerned that someone is suffering in silence from an ED? What really resonates with me is that because something is bruised or broken you can say to get help, but because you can’t see mental health you don’t treat people like that.

Asking people rather than telling them, and saying ‘It’s not a big deal. Everyone has different ways of coping with stuff.’

I’ve been so lucky to have so many wonderful, amazing

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people supporting me, but my dad, far and away, has been the best because when I first got my diagnosis he said ‘I’ll be honest, I don’t mean this with any disrespect, but I don’t get it.’ And that was amazing for me, because for the first time I could say, ‘You know what, I don’t really get this either.’ He said, ‘Okay, well let’s work on this together.’ He acknowledged that it’s okay to not know, and to try and work things out rather than having all the answers.

What professional support did you get?

Generally, 76 percent of people with restrictive eating disorders tend to get depression. The reason being that the brain needs 1,000 calories a day to release chemicals like serotonin and endorphins. First-line treatment is normally anti-depressants. I also had talking therapies, which was an hour every week talking to a therapist and untangling those knots I’d put myself in. I think talking therapies are perfect for everyone because you don’t have to be a body-builder to go to the gym, so why do you have to be absolutely at crisis point to go to therapy? I had a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which didn’t work for me, but there are so many other options to tailor how different brains work and how different people react to therapy.

What’s it like to discuss EDs in your stand up?

I remember seeing people like Chris Addison, Russell Howard, and Michael McIntyre before they were big, and the thing that got me was the honesty. Russell Howard’s talking about being socially awkward. Michael McIntrye’s talking about being tired because he’s struggling being a dad.

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Chris Addison’s talking about being poor and not fitting in. Those are really serious topics and I was like ‘If I can do that with mental health, that would be amazing.’

There’s the quote that ‘comedy is just tragedy plus time’, and I think there’s a huge truth in that. I’m not saying anorexia is laughable. I’m not saying that eating disorders are funny. I’m saying they’re a very serious part of life, but so is laughter, and it’s a release. If you can use a release to talk about something that’s quite encapsulating, then that’s perfect.

How does the audience react to your jokes?

I’ll never forget I did a gig with a wonderful comic, John Ryan, who’s a mental health campaigner as well and does a lot with the armed services. Years ago, he said he’d just done a gig with army lads and ‘they laughed not because they wanted to, but because they needed to’. It’s almost cathartic for the audience, where they think ‘Oh my god, I used to do that. I now realise that’s pathological.’

One of the travesties and tragedies of eating disorders is that while they affect all ages, we know that the main people affected are between 13 and 21. It can take away your childhood. It’s nice to give that back through the laughter.

JUST FOR LAUGHS Dave shared a few of his one-liners with happiful People asked how I was losing so much weight. I was ashamed.

I told them it was a combination of The Atkins diet, coupled with being vegetarian Elton John had bulimia. Rocket Man is all about salad We are terrible at mental health in the UK. Anything we don’t like we tend to box up and ship off. Which is how we created Australia Anorexia is a big problem.

It’s affected people like Kelly Clarkson, Lily Allen and Victoria Beckham. It’s responsible for a lot of rubbish music

What’s the response been like from men?

I’ll never forget one of the first previews of the show I did in a working men’s club. I walked in and there were tattooed blokes eating a buffet, and I thought ‘I’m going to be sliced and diced. I’m going to come out of here in a body bag.’ But it was amazing that even though it was something a lot of them couldn’t relate to, they came up afterwards and said, ‘Fair play, mate.’ I think those are the people I want to reach most. It’s lovely helping the people who’ve experienced this, but part of the battle is already won with them because they understand it’s something important and it’s just about trying to make them feel less stigmatised by it. In the long-term, I’d love to reach an audience of people who have no experience of mental illness, and have them turn around and say ‘I get it. I understand it, and I enjoyed it.’

How did you first get involved with Beat?

I approached them about four years ago. Since then, the relationship has gone from strength to strength, and I’ve done everything with them from photoshoots to literature reviews, all the way through to the fun stuff like representing them on BBC breakfast and hosting the Comedy Store for them.

It’s an incredibly exciting time for Beat. Only recently, I met with them in the Houses of Parliament for a private interview with Jeremy Hunt, the Secretary of State for Health. Beat are putting in huge strides to increase their political relationships, but they’re also opening up their helpline 364 days a year, which is incredible. It’s lovely to raise money for them because I know that every pound goes where it needs to.

What are your plans for this year?

After two years in the making, I’ve just been given a book deal!

The preliminary date for it to be out is, hopefully, by the end of the year. I’m working on a new show for next year as well, about mental health rather than mental illness – not just appealing to the eating disorders side of things, but looking at recovery and getting an identity back.

You can keep track of Dave’s campaigning on Twitter (@DaveChawner). To catch his live gigs, visit davechawner.co.uk for details. You can find out more about Beat at www.b-eat.co.uk

happiful • May 2017

havens on earth Over the past 20 years, urban planning has undergone a natural revolution.

Innovative, green-minded cityscaping has promoted community wellbeing on an epic scale – while simultaneously combating pollution and other urban ills – and architects and landscapers have been creating ever more daring sustainable spaces to improve people’s lives. Here’s our pick of the most visionary cities that are changing the idea of how we interact with the natural world Writing | Chris Bourn

#1

Supertree Grove, Gardens by the Bay SINGAPORE

Nowhere has welcomed nature into the urban environment as wholeheartedly as Singapore – and this is illustrated in spectacular style by the cluster of 160ft-high ‘supertrees’ that dominate the island’s vast horticultural theme park, the Gardens by the Bay. When the £500 million Bay South Garden opened in 2012, its alien treescape quickly eclipsed the triple towers across the bay to become Singapore’s most iconic visitor attraction, and were a vivid demonstration of the city state’s quest to improve the quality of life for residents via the medium of gardening. The 18 supertrees are part mega-sculpture, part viewing platform and part carefully designed habitat for the array of exotic plant species that coat their trunks.

Their only drawback? They’re too big to be hugged.

Photography | Elena Dijour / Shutterstock.com

#2

éco-quartiers PARIS, FRANCE

When Paris hosted the historic COP21 climate conference in December 2015, city planners were already on track to reduce the French capital’s carbon emissions by 75 percent by 2050. Much of this plan revolves around the transformation of a number of outer suburbs into forwardlooking éco-quartiers (‘green neighbourhoods’). First out of the blocks, in 2015, was the four-hectare Rungis district, which recycled a disused train depot into a community-focused park and a solar-powered student village. Hot on its heels is the Clichy-Batignolles Nouveau Quartier Urbain, a futuristic latticework of solar-pannelled office blocks, green spaces and lush rooftop gardens in the city’s northern 17th arrondissement. And by 2020 work will be complete on the most spectacular regeneration in terms of scale: the Ile Seguin-Rive de Seine project is busy filling the site of a former Renault car factory with sustainable housing for 15,000 people, schools, cinemas and a concert hall. More self-contained éco-ville than éco-quartier, perhaps.

#3

Zealandia

WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND

Before there were people on the islands of New Zealand (which was only around 800 years ago, by some estimates), there were only birds. It’s a unique aspect of the country’s pre-history, which many metropolitan Kiwis (the people, not the iconic birds) occasionally forget. And reconnecting New Zealanders with their avian heritage is one of the reasons the conservationists behind ‘Zealandia’ chose the suburbs of Wellington as the location for this vast wildlife sanctuary dedicated to the preservation of native birdlife. Run by volunteers and encircled by an 8.6km predator-proof fence, the magnificent valley – formerly a waterworks that supplied the capital – gives city dwellers face-to-face access to rarely seen national treasures such as kea parrots and little spotted kiwis (the iconic birds, not the people).

GREEN ACTION! Local authority spending towards the protection and maintenance of UK public parks has reduced by around 10 percent since 2011. Write to your local MP!

#4

Amager Resource Centre

Images | BIG-Bjarke Ingels Group

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK

Known primarily for designing housing developments that look like craggy Nordic mountains, Danish architect Bjarke Ingels is taking this municipal project in Copenhagen to the logical extreme and is kitting out its 85m-high roof with a huge ski slope. The building itself, due for completion this year and already nicknamed ‘Copenhill’, promises to be a big step forward in improving the quality of life all-round, and not just for slalom enthusiasts. It’s an enormous power plant that converts solid waste into energy, estimated to burn up the refuse thrown out by half a million residents and 45,000 businesses city-wide. A nice visual touch is that the chimneys have been designed to emit the plant’s exhaust fumes as smoke rings, Gandalf-style.

Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park LONDON, UK

It may have cost £8.77 billion, but London’s 2012 Olympic Games has left behind something very unusual indeed – an Olympic park that’s of immeasurable value to its local community. Thanks to the foresight of the London Legacy Development Corporation, one of the UK’s most deprived urban areas now has on its doorstep 250 hectares of beautifully sculpted parkland and nature walks, strewn with an unrivalled selection of world-class sporting venues – including cycling tracks, hockey pitches, tennis courts and the Zaha Hadid-designed Aquatics Centre, now a public swimming pool. Not to mention a bona fide tourist attraction: Anish Kapoor’s colossal coiling artwork the ArcelorMittal Orbit was already pretty special, but, at his invitation, the tower was adorned with a 178m helterskelter slide and opened to an eager public last summer. Definitely the most fun you can have in a former industrial wasteland.

#5

BRITS KEEPING CALM As of April, the Office for National Statistics found that people in the UK have a stronger sense of belonging to their community than in previous years.

#6

Bosco Verticale MILAN, ITALY

Photography | Pio3 / Shutterstock.com

The heart of Milan’s concrete sprawl is the last place you’d expect to find a hectare of woodland – but that didn’t stop Italian architect Stefano Boeri integrating the equivalent amount of fauna into all eight façades of these two downtown residential towers. The combined 44 storeys of the ‘Vertical Forest’ are home to some 900 trees, 5,000 shrubs and 11,000 floral plants – as well as 400 apartments for humans – in what the architect’s studio called ‘a magnet for and a symbol of the spontaneous recolonisation of the city by vegetation’ on the skyscrapers’ inauguration in 2014. As well as improving air quality for residents, the trees help shade the flats in summer and insulate them in winter. Just don’t go climbing them.

Photography | Iwan Baan

´

ADIOS TRAFFIC! In 2000, the Mayor of Bogotá, Colombia, Enrique Peñalosa, conducted an experiment banning cars for an entire day.

Hospital admissions decreased by over 30%, and no traffic deaths were reported.

#7

The High Line Park and the Lowline NEW YORK CITY, USA

Since opening to the public in sections in 2009, New York’s innovative High Line project has given Central Park a run for its money as Manhattan’s most celebrated green space.

The 1.45-mile strip of repurposed overhead railway that weaves through semi-industrial West Side neighbourhoods offers visitors unique views of the Hudson River, the Downtown skyline and Tenth Avenue, while literally lifting New Yorkers above the tumult on a garden mezzanine level they never knew they had. Meanwhile, below ground, the High Line’s instantlandmark success has prompted an even more ambitious project, the Lowline, a much-hyped proposal to install a similarly verdant space in an abandoned subway terminal beneath the Lower East Side. Last month, designers showcased a demo version: the Lowline Lab, a taster that wowed visitors with a tantalising glimpse of how natural daylight can be funnelled below ground to create a subterranean botanical wonderland.

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Túria Gardens VALENCIA, SPAIN

How do you solve a problem like Túria? Back in the 1950s, following a series of devastating floods, Valencia’s city authorities diverted the Túria river on to a safer route to the south on its way to the Mediterranean.

What was left was a desiccated riverbed, which in the decades since has evolved into the beautiful Jardí del Túria, one of Europe’s most cherished urban spaces. The 9km-long sunken park supplies Valencians with everything from baseball pitches to duck ponds, as well as a scenic and hyper-efficient cycle route that snakes through the heart of the city.

At its western end lies Valencia Bioparc, an innovative ‘cageless’ zoo, while in the east the gardens open on to the City of Arts and Sciences – an architecturally stunning futuristic utopia of cultural venues and museums which make Túria so much more than a pleasant diversion.

True Life Real People.

Amazing Journeys.

Claire’s story 57 Harry’s story 60 Sian’s story 63 Debra’s story 66 Ask the experts 70 Little happiful things 74 Write for happiful 75

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I refused to let Alzheimer’s take control of my mother’s life Artist Claire McCarthy hoped to keep her mum out of a care home, but with her own wellbeing under threat, she finally realised the true meaning of caring

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n 2008, three years after my dad died, my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. There were a few early signs, like mum falling asleep and then waking up to ask, ‘Where’s your dad?’ Or when she did a reading at church and froze midway, seemingly unaware what to do next. She would get embarrassed by these occasional blips, so my sister finally convinced her to be medically assessed.

Later that same year, my mum contracted an infection, suffered several seizures and was taken into intensive care at a Liverpool hospital. They scanned her brain and confirmed that she had entered the first

stages of Alzheimer’s. None of us knew what to expect.

Typically, mum didn’t show any fear to any of her seven sons and two daughters (me being the youngest). But I do remember her looking at herself in the mirror and asking, ‘When did I get old? Where did all these wrinkles come from?’

It was heartbreaking. I would stay over at her place most weekends while my sister maintained contact with the doctor, and one of my brothers, Joseph, moved back in to live with her. Mum and I took a pilgrimage to Lourdes, France, in 2009, and it made a huge impact on her health, spirit and wellbeing. Her

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True Life | My Story cognitive functions seemed to improve, but to me something else had happened. The Alzheimer’s was progressing to the moderate stage.

After 2012, most of my time was taken up with caring for mum because Joseph was fatigued. I constantly worried about her, especially when her memory took a sudden downturn.

As an artist, I was relying on a few painting commissions and sales, and I worked part-time as a personal caring assistant for a friend with a disability, but I couldn’t focus all my time on my art career because as far as I was concerned, my mum deserved all the help she needed. Still, I was pleased with myself when I won a place at London’s Mall Galleries’ Threadneedle Prize 2012. The painting exhibited was called Council House Window and Kitchen Sink in The Morning. It later sold to a private collector. But the love for my mum took over my feelings of success, and the thought of her going into a home made me feel broken inside. So all my focus went on her.

Some family members insisted we should put mum into care; others disagreed. Challenges within the siblings began. My brother Joseph finally moved out in order to rebuild his life.

Most of my other brothers lived in various parts of the UK or halfway across the world, and all had families and full-time jobs. Being single, and with no children, my life soon merged into mum’s life.

I lived out of a suitcase, spending weekdays living with at her home and weekends back at my flat. It was the most difficult thing I’ve done in my life. I got closer to mum and I became extremely protective of her, but I wasn’t very pleasant to my siblings. There were still huge disagreements among us, and we were all hurting, but many of them were so busy with their lives, jobs and families that it made me feel resentful.

Mum was turning to me for assistance, to recall her words, to help finish off what she wanted to say to visitors. I had to regularly remind her of what was happening. I was her timekeeper, her chef, her cleaner, her dresser, her secretary, and her chaperone. I had it in my mind that I was going to care for mum until the very end.

Mum had many sleepless nights, waking up in a state of panic and looking for her baby. It was heartwrenching. I had to say, ‘Hey mum, I’m your baby and I’ve grown up. It’s okay.’ I would go back to my room, lie on my bed, and cry silently. It was emotionally exhausting and I felt at my weakest inside ‘the vacuum’.

As mum’s Alzheimer’s progressed, my relationships with my family worsened. My life revolved around her only. I desperately wanted to preserve her dignity and keep her safe in familiar surroundings. And I wanted her to know how much she was loved. But by July 2015, I had almost severed relations with one of my brothers and his wife, because the pressure was so immense and ‘the vacuum’ felt like it was going to kill me.

It was at this point I was torn in two, as the family

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I was her timekeeper, her chef, her cleaner, her dresser, her secretary, and her chaperone. I was going to care for mum until the very end

became worried not just for mum, but for me too. I was becoming more confused, more forgetful, and I was constantly falling ill with flu and stomach bugs.

A painful decision was upon me: should mum go into care? It’s the worst decision my family and I have ever had to make. Our devoted mum – that pillar of strength and love who gave up her life to create this amazing family – was going into a care home.

I thought, ‘Have we abandoned her?’

We had to go through a few processes with Social Services and we were given a list of care homes where they could take care of mum properly. I felt like a fraud, asking her if she liked this place or that. We eventually found a home. It seemed secure, friendly, and was only a stone’s throw away from where my sister lives.

Once my mum moved in, I was advised not to see her for a couple of weeks so that I could step out from being her carer. To me, I felt like I had given up on her.

I had failed her. And yet I knew I needed to make the break. Now, we all maintain visiting mum, taking her out to the park, to Penny Lane, to see her friends, or

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“To date, I have painted over a hundred watercolours and 20 large canvases.

It’s been an enjoyable release”

to church on Sundays. It’s slowly dawning on me that everything’s okay, and despite her illness, mum’s okay.

After 18 months living in this lovely care home, she has made new friends. The carers love her and I thank them so much for their good work. Within the family, peace is among us and we all realise that it’s inevitable and very common for relationships to come under fire when a loved one needs care, especially a parent who binds everyone together.

I visit mum regularly. I wash her hair and give her loads of hugs. I think my mother is the most hugged person in the world.

Being a carer is a tough job – and very underappreciated in society. I wish I could have been in better circumstances to continue caring for mum. I have undying admiration for those who manage to care for their loved ones until the end because it’s the most unselfish thing to do. Often I have to give myself good reasons as to why I am no longer a carer for mum.

As for my art, with help from my local employment services, I decided to launch a plein air painting business on the River Mersey, to capture the ferries

and the river life on canvas in natural light. I raised sponsorship from various Liverpool partnerships, and I am now looking for one more sponsor to pay for my artwork framing.

To date, I have painted over a hundred watercolours and 20 large canvases. Plein air painting is challenging but it helps improve my art technique and it seems to engage with many people. It’s been an enjoyable release. I now have something great to talk about when I visit my mum.

To view Claire’s paintings, visit: www.clairemccarthy.co.uk Fe Robinson, a psychotherapist, EMDR therapist and clinical supervisor, writes: “Claire’s story is a moving account of the importance of carers finding a balance and making space for self-care while caring for others. Long-term illness takes a toll on everyone, it is important to recognise the impact on you and take action early; when your cup is full you can flow energy out to others.”

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True Life | My Story

Harry, second from left, at his brother’s graduation

I’ll always regret missing the signs that someone I love needed help Film enthusiast Harry Newman’s focus on his nan’s deteriorating health and his mother’s ability to cope meant that he missed another crisis that was just out of shot

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n 2014, I had the worst year of my life. But first let’s rewind to June 2013. I’m a lucky man, and always have been. I have a close family, full of great people and characters. I’m blessed to have not needed for anything in my life, and because of this, I’d never really felt pain before. Believe me, being a spoiled brat as a kid, I knew how to throw a tantrum or pretend I was hurting by wallowing in self-pity, but I had never felt actual pain.

Most of my family live in Falmouth, on the southern coast of Cornwall. I have fantastic memories of running along Maenporth beach, playing rugby with

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my cousins, and watching the surfers with my brother.

Every time we visited Cornwall, we’d stay with my nan – Elizabeth ‘Betty’ Levick. She was a hard Scouse woman. Because my mum was her only daughter, she was always a little harder on her and had higher expectations of her, and this seemed to run on in her expectations of me and my brother. This made me love my nan more. She was witty and stubborn, and she didn’t take sh*t from anyone.

I remember being sat in her front room on the third day of a long weekend, sprawled across her couch watching Eggheads – because that’s what we always

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With everything that went on, the hardest part of that year was that I did nothing to help my brother when he was spiralling

watched at nan’s. She came through the living room door with my mum, both of them in tears.

My family is built on a matriarchy and always has been – well since I’ve been alive it has. So when we saw them enter in such a state, it was a shock. But as my brother, father and I began to get up to comfort them, my mum managed to wave us all down with a tearsoaked hand.

After a long silence, mum composed herself. Looking at me and my brother she said, “Your nan’s been diagnosed with ovarian cancer.”

My long weekend became a five-day one, where we stayed with my nan to make sure she was set-up, and broke the news to my three uncles. No one seemed to take it well, but we all clung to the hope that she would pull through. We spent the following months travelling between where we live in Reading and Falmouth. It was almost every three weeks that we’d drive down to see my nan, talk to her and look after her.

Most weeks in between, my mum would go alone to take care of her. We all wanted to be there, but the strain of the journey would have had a heavy toll and my parents didn’t want it to affect our education. I could tell the travel and situation was affecting my mum, so I would do everything I could to help around the house.

Things became increasingly difficult for her, but she

withheld how strong she was having to be because of how stubborn she is. After about three months, the doctors told us my nan was in remission, so my mum decided to take her to Rome, as it was one of the places she’d put on her bucket list. They were excited that everything was on the up and up, and that luck I carry around like a child’s toy seemed to have worked its magic once again – thank god.

We carried on visiting, but less frequently. During this time, one of my brother’s school friends had been murdered by her ex-boyfriend. We rarely talked at that point because he was off at uni, but when he came home I noticed that the hair on his forehead was beginning to thin. He would come into my room in the night, turn on my light and ask if his hair was disappearing. It was difficult to see my brother so unhappy. He was always popular in school – I could talk to most people from there, and if asked about my brother they’d always say how much they loved that guy. I looked up to him. He was a big influence in my following a shared passion in filmmaking. I was even jealous of his accomplishments at the time, though I know now he wholeheartedly deserves them. Afraid of hurting him, I lied.

The cancer was picked up again several weeks later.

In early 2014 I was at sixth form. Sat in the cafeteria on a free period, I received a call from my mum. My nan had been taken into hospital and we had to leave that night. I went into my next lesson and told my teacher what was going on. It was the first time I had told my college about the situation. I jogged home, got my bags ready, got in the car and we got to the hospital by 7pm.

When we arrived, two of my uncles that lived in Falmouth, along with my cousins and aunts, were there by her side. My auntie Julie, took us in to see her. Nan was lying in bed, but didn’t seem to notice we were there. She was in too much pain.

We all went to her bedside and two-by-two we held her hand and said hello. My brother had always had a stronger connection with my nan than I had. He stood by her side, and began to weep as he spoke. It was at that point, when I saw my brother feeding water to my nan through a sponge to sooth her as he was talking to her, springing to attention for anything that needed to get done for her, I realised how much he had been hurting.

She died two days later.

My third uncle had arrived in time, and while all of her sons and daughters were sat in the room with her, I was with my youngest cousins – two 11-year-old twins, their older brother who was around 14, and their grandparents on their mum’s side. I’ll never forget when the call came through, and their granddad Barry turned to us to say she had passed. The twins burst into tears and me and my cousin held them. Barry pulled us all in together and held us.

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True Life | My Story

Harry aged 4, with his nan

I was sad, but I couldn’t bring myself to cry at that point. I was emotionally shocked

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I was sad, but I couldn’t bring myself to cry at that point. I was emotionally shocked. I felt angry that I wasn’t with the rest of my family at her side. But also sad and worried for my brother, mother and father.

We had to wait a few weeks before the funeral. My brother and I broke down when the casket came out.

It was as if all the pain my family had been feeling suddenly rushed out in the form of me weeping in the front row.

One thing that did bring happiness to my day was the fact that the crematorium was full. When I couldn’t stop crying, no one said to stop or man-up. They came over and consoled us. I was stood next to my great uncle Tommy. He held my shoulder throughout the service, and I didn’t find out until later that he had also joined me in a symphony of hysterics.

After the service, I saw my brother more clearly and how much he had been hurt. There was a large hole left in him where my nan had once been.

It was two months after the funeral that I saw my brother next, and realised who he’d become. I went to stay with him to help make a film. With everything going on in his life, my brother stopped taking care of himself at university, and away from a family distracted by grief, his need for help went unnoticed. When he finished uni and moved in with a friend, I could finally see clearly that something had been wrong. He was depressed.

I later found out his friends from Reading had bullied him for years. After the death of his friend and of our nan in such a short space of time, he had felt overwhelmed and completely stressed out. As this stress began to affect him physically, his hair thinned at the front and he’d seek validation that it wasn’t from various family members. We always lied, because we didn’t want to hurt him after he’d already hurt so much. But one afternoon, inebriated with him in his student squalor, I remember telling him the truth. He seemed to be a little relieved. He’d developed trust issues, thinking everyone was lying to him, and the paranoia had set in.

With everything that went on, the hardest part of that year was that I did nothing to help my brother when he was spiralling. I believed he would be fine. I was so caught up in everything that was going on, that I missed the signs of someone I loved who needed help more than ever.

Since then, I’ve spent the better half of two years phoning and texting him every week, and visiting him If you have been affected when I can. I can happily say

by Harry’s story and want to talk with a professional, you can find that he’s doing better now – he a counsellor in your local area at has a group of good friends counselling-directory.org.uk around him, he lives in his own apartment and, I think, he’s happy.

I will always regret not seeing his pain sooner.

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My teenage depression left me numb Sian Davies didn’t realise she was depressed until someone pointed it out. She gradually learned to understand herself through talking and sharing

B

etween the ages of 16 and 19, I battled with depression. It’s quite a tricky time in my life to be able to recall. Although I tend to generally have a great memory and can remember things as far back as my primary school days, my depression seems to have caused a ‘blurry’ period, even though I went through quite a few ‘highs’ such as passing my driving test – which you’d think I’d be able to remember. Yet I find it much easier to recall the ‘lows’.

One of my biggest lows was leaving school when I was 16. During my school years, despite being quite academic, I always longed for it to be over. It just seemed like such an exciting experience to be

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True Life | My Story

“This was the first time I experienced grief, so it hit me hard”

‘grown up’ and make your own decisions. I could go to college and study what I wanted, wear what I wanted, get the job I wanted. I was about to turn 17 so I could learn to drive – so exciting! We also got to have a much longer summer holiday due to our exams being over – it doesn’t get much better than that.

Sadly, just a couple of days after my last exam, my nan passed away. I was extremely close to her and this was the first time I experienced grief, so it hit me hard. It was at this point in my life I turned to smoking. Who knows why, but it felt like the thing to do. I chose not to talk to anyone about what I was going through as I felt I was dealing with it okay on my own, and I was never really one to talk about my feelings. I needn’t ‘bore’ my friends, and my family were going through the same thing so I didn’t want to bring them down.

Maybe the reason was because I would go out and walk the dog and could hide it from my parents. It would create a distraction for me. I thought I was doing okay and I had lots of plans to keep me busy over the holidays.

After summer, I started college. The classes were a lot smaller and I didn’t have any of my friends with the same timetable as me. It was a huge step up and a few weeks in I felt out of my depth. I began to feel like a failure, but I only had to myself to blame. I took on five subjects based on my GCSE results, but not the ones I enjoyed: maths, Spanish, chemistry, physics and business studies. Yawn! No wonder my heart wasn’t in it. My attendance began to suffer and I started to spend most of my time in bed.

Everyone in my house was out at work, so it was easy to hide my poor attendance from my parents and sister. Again, it wasn’t something I spoke out about.

Instead, I waited a few months for my mock results to come in with a whopping five ‘U grades’ (meaning they were ungraded). As you can imagine, my parents were

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less than impressed and, to top it off, I also shared my smoking habit with them. I didn’t really get told off.

In fact, they were just shocked that an A* student had managed these U grades.

At this point, I agreed to leave college, get a job and return next year to start fresh. So I left, passed my driving test and started working full time. Happy days!

Or not. It was a few months later that I went to my GP. I can’t remember exactly why, but what I do remember is that at the end he asked me if there was anything else I’d like to talk about. I explained that was all, but he seemed hesitant to let me leave. He asked the question, ‘How are you feeling?’ I thought this was odd, and I must have shrugged it off with a ‘Yeah, I’m fine’. But he noticed I had quite teary eyes and asked if that was something I experienced every day. Again, what an odd thing to say. I remember pausing while I processed his question. Then I thought to myself, ‘Well, yes, I do.’

I just didn’t notice until he brought it to my attention.

Perhaps it was my sporadic sleeping pattern? I would constantly have late nights before getting up early the next day, and then nap whenever I could, just like any 17-year-old, right? He continued to ask a number of other questions including what had been going on in my life over the past few months. From this brief chat, he concluded that I had depression.

When he said that word, I didn’t really know how to feel. I didn’t even know much about depression. I thought it was just a term you used when you were having a bad day and felt a little bit sad. It took a while for the information to sink in. I remember walking away from the doctors with my prescription for antidepressants feeling really confused. How did he know I was depressed? From the look in my eyes? Do I seriously have to take tablets? How long do I have to take them for?

I took the antidepressants, which were quite a high dosage of citalopram, and continued my daily routine as normal. I didn’t dwell on it because, to be honest, I was ashamed. ‘But that’s to be expected as I’m depressed,’ I thought. I didn’t tell anyone at first, because who needs to know? And who would even care? I know I wouldn’t. At that point in my life there was very little I cared about. I wasn’t important and nothing was important to me.

As time went on, I came to realise I had turned numb. I didn’t experience happiness and I suddenly stopped feeling sadness too. I guess it’s just because I was so used to it. I learned to deal with sadness without feeling the need to cry. I spent way too long in bed sleeping and my relationships were suffering because people couldn’t understand my odd behaviour. I would look at photos of the fun times with my friends, but I couldn’t remember it at all. I can’t remember much of what we did or how I felt. I hated it, so I thought ‘Right, time to speak out.’

I talked to my family and close friends, who were all

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Words can’t describe how low depression can make you feel and how disconnected you are from yourself and your feelings

“I talked to my family and close friends, who were all so supportive”

so supportive. They helped me realise that in order to help myself, I needed something to aim for.

Summer holidays were fast approaching, so I made the decision to go back to sixth form – something I never thought I would do! I started to come to terms with the fact that it was my depression that had previously affected my performance at college.

But now I was ready. I was motivated again.

With the support of those close to me, I enrolled in college. I had a complete change of heart and chose the subjects I really enjoyed, including graphics and photography. I still had bad days where all I wanted to do was stay in bed, and my attendance was never 100 percent, but I had the support I needed to keep me motivated. I spent most of my college time with a close family friend and he taught me how to laugh again. It was hard to enjoy myself, but I got there. I came to realise that the antidepressants hadn’t necessarily turned me numb – it was the depression that had. I was making good progress, so after a year, with the support of my GP and my family, I came off antidepressants. It was hard, but I just felt like I was ready to feel ‘normal’ again.

Words can’t describe how low depression can make you feel and how disconnected you are from everyone around you, including yourself and your own feelings. This is probably the main reason I struggle to remember a lot of things during this time. I was so disconnected from acknowledging my feelings that my memory became a defence mechanism to prevent myself recalling the dark times. I feel sad that this was one of the side effects because it was such a crucial time in my life when I was growing up and becoming an adult. I want to be able to tell my kids that ‘I remember when I was learning to drive’, but unfortunately, I can’t.

My one regret is not speaking up sooner. I could have perhaps stopped myself from reaching rock bottom, which is what brings me to share my story.

I want others to act much sooner than I did and get the support they need. It was through my own experiences and understanding of depression that I managed to help one of my close friends also get diagnosed. Like me, she overcame it, but we still get our down days. I get days where I may be upset or angry, but now I know how to deal with it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s to talk to someone rather than bottling it all up.

Fe Robinson, psychotherapist, writes: “Sian powerfully explains how disconnected depression can leave you.

Finding ways to reach out both to yourself and others are important steps to healing, as is being honest with yourself about what you do or don’t feel, and getting help.”

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True Life | My Story

Losing my daughter changed my world beyond recognition Debra Kilby had to make the most difficult decision imaginable, but the healing process led her on a voyage of self-discovery

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am sitting here with a sense of disbelief and trepidation at what I am about to say, but I feel it’s the right thing to do. The following statement is what I believe in the depths of my soul. It’s a declaration that may seem shocking – I felt the same when these words first came out of my mouth – but please stay with me.

Losing my daughter, Rosa, at 16 weeks of pregnancy has been the greatest gift I have ever received.

At the time, of course, this was as far from what I was feeling as you can possibly imagine. Because the full story is that I didn’t lose Rosa by some dreadful accident, or unexplainable miscarriage. I chose to release her. And it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, or wish to make ever again.

Rosa’s story starts in August 2010 when my husband and I found out we were expecting. This was the fourth time we had become pregnant since being blessed with our son, Max, in 2007. Between 2007 and 2009, we lived through three miscarriages. Surely this one would be okay.

Being pregnant with Max was easy, fun and exciting.

But his birth was not what I had expected, and because of the shock and fear I experienced, it also affected how I felt about being a mum.

However, nine months into motherhood and with the traumas nicely buried away, we fell pregnant again. This baby news was something of a surprise but welcomed, and we felt we could conquer all practicalities. Also, wasn’t it great that they would be so close in age?

However, a week before the 12-week scan, I started to bleed. The bleeding didn’t stop and eventually I was rushed into hospital. That was my first experience of

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miscarriage, and the overwhelming helplessness and loss of my little one.

I picked myself up relatively quickly, quoting all sorts of statistics about how one in four women lose their babies, or how before pregnancy testing was invented, women didn’t even know they were pregnant and that

The hospital phoned with the results of the tests and my heart broke. How could this be happening to me? What had I done to deserve this pain?

miscarriages were normal and you just got on with life.

I didn’t ask for help and I didn’t allow myself the time or the space to grieve and acknowledge my hurt and disappointment.

Over the next two years, I conceived easily, but they didn’t stay longer than eight and 12 weeks. By this time my heart had closed, but I wasn’t aware of the effect of

67 “Life has a way of keeping you going, and for me that was our beautiful Max and the love of my wonderful husband”

all this loss because I didn’t allow myself to feel it.

And then along came Rosa.

I was both excited and terrified of how this pregnancy would go. I did have some bleeding at nine weeks into the pregnancy and was rushed to the hospital for a scan – but, thank goodness, all was well with her little heart beating away. The bleeding stopped.

Then I had the strangest experience. One night when I was reading in bed I heard these words coming from outside of myself – ‘Mummy, I’m sick’. My husband and I put it down to the obvious fear I was experiencing because of our last three miscarriages. But somehow I knew that something was very wrong.

After a number of incidents, my fears were finally confirmed medically. Rosa wasn’t developing as she should be, due to genetic complications. I was told Rosa was unlikely to make it to full-term, and if she did there was no idea what quality of life she would enjoy.

The hospital phoned me with the results of the tests and my heart and my world broke. How could this possibly be happening to me? What had I ever done to deserve this pain?

Not only would I have to potentially endure the loss of yet another much-wanted baby, but this time it was at a stage where I would have to experience birth. Then again, if she survived, what would her life be like?

What would our life be like? I’d just turned 40. What if she did survive but needed looking after? Would that

eventually fall to Max as we got older? How would we cope as a family?

The previous miscarriages were taken out of my control. This was a whole other level – I had to make a choice, together with my husband, but ultimately it felt like mine. I can safely say from that moment on, I didn’t believe I was present in the world.

I can barely remember the next few days. When the midwife gave me the pill that would end her life I wanted to throw up and curl into a ball and die with her. But life has a way of keeping you going, and for me that was our beautiful Max and the love of my wonderful husband.

The birth is a blur but I can recall the physical and emotional pain as my husband and I said hello and goodbye to her. We knew then it was a girl.

I shut down. I didn’t want to know. I told myself it was just something that happened and to get on with it. But I wasn’t really there. The hospital said they arranged funerals for babies and my immediate reaction was no, she wasn’t a baby. It’s shocking at how much I tried to deny this experience, but we don’t act sanely in these moments.

Eventually, I started to wonder more about Rosa.

Why? And why me? Where is she? And who is she?

How am I ever going to come through this? With the most amazing support from the charity Antenatal Results and Choices, eventually we chose to go ahead

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I am forever grateful for our beautiful daughter Rosa. Through the choice I made, she gave me back myself

with the funeral. It was the most beautiful, poignant moment and the start of my healing.

As I was sitting in the garden afterwards, I allowed myself to see how I was truly feeling for the first time since that very first miscarriage. The loss, the sense of being a victim, being a failure, being undeserving of any joy, being a terrible, if not evil person. The deep shame about the choice I’d made was so intense that I hadn’t told anyone except for close family and a handful of friends.

Most of all, I felt an overwhelming bitterness. I’d see a pregnant woman and really try to feel happy for her, but what about me? Why them and not me? This was the feeling I loathed the most as it felt against my very nature. ‘This isn’t me,’ I thought.

And then it struck me – who is this ‘me’ who doesn’t want to be bitter and angry and sad and closed off? It was then I went on a journey to find that ‘me’, not the person with all these negative emotions created by layers of life, but the real ‘me’ – the one who is loving, happy and adventurous, and believes in miracles and possibilities.

This is why I am forever grateful for our beautiful Rosa. Through the choice I made, she gave me back myself. And my whole world has changed beyond my imagination.

At 42, I gave birth happily and easily to another gorgeous boy, Samuel. I thought I may need counselling throughout the pregnancy but I didn’t. I just knew deep down that all was well. By addressing

and clearing my experiences through energy healing practices, and ultimately forgiving myself, I knew he was meant to be. He is my miracle.

Today, it is my utmost passion to help others realise that they do not need to be defined by their experience, no matter how bad they feel about it. Nor do they need to feel stuck in their emotions. Indeed, on the whole, I’m discovering there is always a much bigger picture behind baby loss. There are many gentle and beautiful ways to feel whole and at peace with yourself, your life and your choices.

I am now a spiritual guide and energy healer. I help people release the traumas that are thrown at us. I help them understand their experiences at a deeper level and gently guide them to reconnect with themselves and see the powerful, exquisite and unique beings they are. If you are ready to transform the way you experience this game of life, please reach out.

Debra Kilby is a spiritual guide and energy therapist, qualified in Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).

Her passion is to empower people to recognise their own healing potential and guide them towards clarity and resolution.

If you have been affected by this story, and would like to speak to a professional, contact Counselling Directory or Therapy Directory to find a qualified expert in your area.

happiful • May 2017

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What began as a response to protect you from others can morph into denying your own needs altogether

COUNSELLING

“I walk around like an empty shell. Why do I feel nothing?”

When facing danger, there are three responses: fight, flight and freeze. With situations such as childhood abuse, trauma or grief, it’s natural for our psyche to go into ‘numbing mode’ as a freezing response. Sometimes this reflex remains long after the actual danger has passed and becomes a way of life.

A person can become emotionally detached, experiencing life in a ‘dissociated’ or ‘depersonalised’ way. Among other conditions, this may also be Borderline Personality Disorder.

What began as a response to protect you from others can morph into denying your own needs altogether. It can be experienced differently in everyone, from a lingering sense of boredom or emptiness, to being unable to display or feel emotion, or feeling like you’re watching life go by without being ‘in it’. You may feel as though the painful things in life are muted, but you also miss out on positive emotions.

This protective shield can seem effective initially, feeling as though the pain has left temporarily. The problem with over-

using the shield is that when emotions aren’t digested, they remain suppressed and can accumulate until you reach boiling point. Often minor events can catch you off guard and cause you to ‘blow up’, resulting in a shock to the system at the reality of having to feel.

When the underlying needs for comfort and safety aren’t met, you may resort to self-soothing by over-eating, over-spending, and engaging in impulsive behaviours without knowing why.

Many people operating in shield-mode are worried they’ll enter a depressed state or will be hurt by others again if they allow themselves to feel. A skilled therapist can work with you to build up your emotional skills and resilience, so you feel safe enough to dip your toe back into the pool of feelings.

Once you feel that you have some degree of capacity, the ‘thawing’ process often naturally follows.

Read the full article on counselling-directory.org.uk

INSOMNIA “I’m wide awake at 3am. Why can’t I get a decent night’s sleep?”

Chronic insomnia is when someone has difficulty sleeping for at least three nights a week, for a minimum of three months, and the lack of sleep has a direct effect on the individual’s life, whether it be work, school or personal relationships. Prolonged insomnia can lead to impaired cognitive function, memory problems and depression, as well as an increased risk of heart disease, high blood pressure and impaired immune response.

Once you’re 18, you need between seven and a half and nine hours sleep a night. However, according to the Institute of Health, lifestyle demands mean that most people actually have less than seven hours’ sleep. Most adults spend 50 percent of the night in light sleep, 30 percent in deep sleep, and 20 percent in dream state.

Deep sleep helps restore the body, and dream state resolves issues from the day, leading to a more stable psychological state. Without this dream time, your mental health can be seriously affected. The causes of insomnia are varied, with stress and anxiety at the top of the list, but there are other

contributing factors such as work patterns, hormone changes, alcohol and medical conditions. Whatever the cause, hypnotherapy can help to achieve a healthier sleep pattern through assisting with relaxation and distraction techniques, making sure the quest for sleep doesn’t become so dominant that it actually makes you more alert. Hypnotherapy works with your subconscious to provide a trigger as the call to sleep, and re-enforces the sleep message through a visualisation process.

A therapist can also help with developing good nocturnal routines and how to make the bedroom conducive to sleep, as well as self-hypnosis techniques and breathing exercises to optimise sleep opportunities.

The subconscious mind is responsible while we sleep, taking care of us and waking us up. It’s our subconscious that’s in charge of good sleep, and hypnotherapy is a great way to get in tune with yours.

Read the full article on hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk

NUTRITION

“I’m (literally) sick of constant bloating and tummy aches!”

Even the smallest change can have a profound effect on your digestion, and it’s not always about what you eat, but when and how you eat too. Certain foods can cause digestive upset, but it can also be a result of an imbalance of gut bacteria. Sugar and refined carbohydrates (such as white bread and pasta) feed bad bacteria, causing digestive problems. Vegetables feed good bacteria to provide energy, support your immune system and keep the bad bacteria at bay, to ensure your digestive system is happy.

Nutritional therapy isn’t just about eliminating foods, but also adding in those that are missing from your diet – including oily fish, dark green leafy vegetables, nuts and seeds. These are particularly valuable for good digestive health due to their essential fats, protein, vitamins and minerals.

When you eat can also make a big difference. Fruit is often tolerated better when eaten alone rather than after a meal when it can ferment and cause bloating, flatulence and discomfort.

How you eat involves mindful eating: thinking about your food, preparing it and salivating over it to get your natural digestive enzymes working.

Enzymes break down your food so you benefit from the nutrients rather than your resident bad bacteria.

Nutritional therapists are trained to look at your biochemical individuality, and create a personalised programme for you. Nutrition is not a quick fix and may take many months to get the digestive system working optimally, but with a programme tailored to your needs, it can be extremely powerful.

A nutritional therapist works in five stages to remove what is in excess, and replace what’s missing from your diet. You must repopulate with probiotic and prebiotic foods and supplements to rebalance the microbiome for good bacteria to thrive.

Repairing the gut lining to optimise absorption and provide immune tolerance is next, before rebalancing lifestyle changes to reduce stress, and practising mindful eating to help prevent recurrence.

These stages are of equal importance to identify where the imbalance is.

They then support the relevant body systems to regain balance, so you have long-term digestive harmony.

Read the full article on nutritionist-resource.org.uk

Nutritional therapy isn’t just about eliminating foods, but also adding in those that are missing from your diet

Intimacy is the sense of being able to let your guard down because someone will accept you for who you are

RELATIONSHIPS

“We’re under the same roof, but feel so distant. Where has our intimacy gone?”

We can sometimes feel like we’ve lost the sense of closeness we need in our relationships, or that we have to be telepathic to understand our partner’s world. Perhaps you’re concerned that intimacy means sex to your partner, while you miss the closeness and vulnerability you once had.

Intimacy is the sense of being able to let your guard down because someone will accept you for who you are. It includes a whole range of feelings and situations, including supporting each other through life’s painful moments too.

When feeling intimacy, endorphins are released into our bodies to reward the behaviour, and leave us feeling euphoric.

We then crave this state and enjoy feeling connected to our significant other.

To improve intimacy in your relationship, think of it as a living thing that changes throughout your life. As you mature, both you and your partner’s needs change, so be open to that and acknowledge it in your relationship.

SPORTS THERAPY

“How can I beat the competition in my first 10k run?”

Whether you play sports or enjoy working out at the gym, investing in a professional sports massage is a crucial part of your kit and not just for helping with injuries. The treatment helps your body maintain a higher level of condition, assists with repairing muscle tissue, boosts performance and can extend the overall length of your sporting career. Some of the benefits in more detail are: FUEL EFFICIENCY Deep tissue massage opens the pores in tissue membranes, allowing for the removal of waste products such as lactic acid, while increasing the intake of oxygen to help muscles recover.

MUSCLE WORKOUT Massage stretches tissues that aren’t normally reached.

Treatments also stretch the sheath or fascia that surrounds the muscle, releasing any tension or build up of pressure.

By its nature, intimacy relies on you being open and trusting of others. This can involve a leap of faith and being vulnerable. As intimacy builds over time, it’s essential to be comfortable with each step, but aware that you’ll need to be open to sharing at a deeper level in the long run.

In the same vein, you need to be forgiving and open with your partner. It’s hard to achieve intimacy if you can’t accept the difficult parts as well as the likeable. Learn how to disagree and fight, but in a respectful way so that you’re both heard. You don’t need to have the same opinion in order to have intimacy.

Sometimes rekindling intimacy can be difficult on your own. Talking to a counsellor can help to tackle the issues, so you can work together to build intimacy back into your relationship.

Read the full article on counselling-directory.org.uk

BREAKING DOWN OBSTACLES Scar tissue from previous injuries can affect muscles, tendons and ligaments, and lead to inflexible tissues that are more prone to injury and pain. Sports therapies work to remove this.

ATTENTION TO DETAIL Exercise increases blood flow to tissues, but therapies such as sports massages can also open smaller vessels and capillaries, enabling blood and nutrients to pass through more easily.

PAIN REDUCTION The build-up of tension and waste products in muscles causes pain. Sports treatments can expel waste, relieve tension and trigger the release of feel-good endorphins.

WINNING MENTALITY Pain and tension puts the body under stress, creating harmful levels of adrenalin and brain chemicals that trigger anxiety and negativity. The reduction in blood pressure, heart rate and muscle tension delivered through treatments can alter the brain chemistry, boosting positivity and focus.

Read the full article on therapy-directory.org.uk

COMMUNICATION

THIS MONTH’S PANEL COUNSELLING

“I’m dreading Monday – my boss will dissect my role in a disastrous project” Imi Lo MMH UKCP HCPC MBPsS eggshelltherapy.com

INSOMNIA

Meeting the other person with an open and explorative mindset will change the dynamic Conversations are most effective when both parties feel respected and able to share their point of view. However, it’s not always easy to create an atmosphere where this is possible. The higher the stakes and bigger the anticipated disagreement, the more difficult it seems. Preparation is key, but when the time to talk arrives, keeping in mind a few crucial points will help ensure a respectful and constructive conversation follows.

BE GENUINELY CURIOUS Many disagreements stem from assumptions and interpretations. Meeting the other person with an open and explorative mindset will change the dynamic.

Listen to their views and you may discover things you didn’t expect.

AVOID BLAME Whatever’s happened, looking to assign blame will only block the path to finding a common way forward. The accused is likely to become defensive, and possibly aggressive. Instead of pointing the finger, concentrate on finding common ground and discussing how to move forward.

ALWAYS PLAY THE BALL, NEVER THE PLAYER Have you ever witnessed an argument that stemmed from something small, and quickly escalated into a series of large-scale attacks on everything the other person stood for? Using a small argument as an opportunity for an allencompassing personal attack rarely leads to a positive outcome. It’s vital to concentrate on what’s prompted the conversation, and stick to it.

ACKNOWLEDGE EMOTIONS Difficult conversations are bound to get emotional sometimes. Whether it’s anger, cynicism, tears or rage, emotion tells you that what’s going on matters.

SUMMARISE OUTCOMES An ideal conversation will result in finding a way forward that, even if not universally liked, will have been discussed and acknowledged by everyone involved. Make sure you summarise these outcomes, actions and agreements.

Zetta Thomelin BA(hons) MBAThH GQHP MBAH(hons) CNHC Reg headtogether.co.uk

NUTRITION

Jane Barrett DipION mBANT CNHC nurturingnutrition.co.uk

RELATIONSHIPS

Graeme Orr MBACP(Accred) UKRCP Reg Ind Counsellor consideratecounselling.co.uk

SPORTS THERAPY

Caroline Jones Founder of the Zen Ten Spa zentenspa.com

COMMUNICATION

FOLLOW UP When the issue is off the table, be sure to have another unrelated interaction with this person before too long. Show them that just because one issue needed addressing, it hasn’t impacted your relationship.

Read the full article on lifecoach-directory.org.uk

Karin Mueller Certified executive, business and career coach liebfrog.uk

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True Life | Final Thoughts

happiful • May 2017

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