Healthy Ideas that Change the World
MATT JOHNSON
June 2017
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SPEAKS OUT
MINDFUL SUMMER DRESSING When to Wear Red When to Avoid Blue
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His terrifying ordeal His amazing recovery His mission to help others
IDEAS THAT WILL MAKE YOU
PANIC ATTACKS IN CHILDREN What to say and do
BE HONEST:
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The happiful • Journey
MARCH 2017 All these brands came together to create happiful magazine. Healthy ideas that change the world.
MARCH 2010 Therapy Directory was launched.
JANUARY 2010
How did we get here?
Nutritionist Resource was launched.
We now have over 21,000 professional members across all of our sites, with more than 10 million visitors in the last year.
DECEMBER 2008 Hypnotherapy Directory and Life Coach Directory were launched.
DECEMBER 2005 Two sisters had a dream to help connect people in need with professionals who could help them. Counselling Directory was born. Since then, we have connected more than 1 million people with counsellors and psychotherapists.
Contents | June 2017
The Uplift
Each month, happiful will pledge 50p from every print copy sold to our featured charity.
6 Can we capture the ‘Eureka!’ moment? 7 Is social media making us miserable?
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8 The wellbeing news wrap
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9 Featured charity: Make-A-Wish’s fundraising star 10 Happiness in business: Dishoom 14 The 80/20 relationship rule 17 happiful hacks p48
Features 26 Cover story: Matt Johnson 34 The science of happiness 40 A guide to mindful dressing 48 Hannah Witton: sex expert
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52 The everyday yoga effect
True Life
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57 Personal journeys 74 Ask the experts 78 If this was a perfect world
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79 Write for happiful
Visit happiful.com for extended articles, features and interviews
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Editorial Editor | Jake Hamilton jake@happiful.com
Writer | Rebecca Thair
rebecca.thair@happiful.com
Graphic Designer | Amy-Jean Burns amy.burns@happiful.com
Contributors Kat Nicholls, Ellen Hoggard, Becky Wright, Hilda Kalap, Lucy Cavendish, Chris Bourn, Jules Standish, Eve Menezes Cunningham, Christian Russo, Ed Gorman, Keith Howitt, Marissa Pendlebury, Ros Wiggins, Martin Warrilow
EDITOR’S MESSAGE When I interviewed our cover star, TV presenter Matt Johnson, I came away thinking, “What a mensch.” I must have been quoting from a movie because I’m not sure what mensch means. I thought it meant a great guy, a good fella. Turns out it’s one of the highest compliments you can pay someone. A mensch is a person of integrity and honour, someone with character and dignity. A mensch does the right thing. In this issue, Matt shares his harrowing personal battles with depression and suicidal impulses. He also describes his journey to recovery, and self-discovery. As an ambassador for the mental health charity Mind, he wants to smash the stigma of mental illness in our society. Especially with young men. Because we are failing our young men. Here’s a frightening statistic: suicide is now the single biggest killer of men under the age of 45 in the UK. Something has gone terribly wrong. We can’t keep silent any more. We have to speak up. That’s what Matt is doing – speaking up, sharing, discussing, talking. We should all follow suit. We should all be a mensch.
Special Thanks Anna Stone, Paula Bendon, Troy Robins, Kirsty Williams, Julie Crowley, John Taylor, Amie Sparrow, Graeme Orr, Fe Robinson, Shirley Ogilvie, Joseph Sinclair, Alice Theobald, Joy Goodman, Krishan Parmar, Steve White Marketing Marketing Manager | Matt Holman matthew@memiah.co.uk
PR Manager | Amie Sparrow amie.sparrow@memiah.co.uk
Digital Marketing and Brand Ambassadors Mel Cann, Carl Burton, Emily Attewell
Communications Communications Team Leader | Kat Nicholls katherine@memiah.co.uk
Communications Executives
Ellen Hoggard – ellenhoggard@memiah.co.uk Becky Wright – rebecca@memiah.co.uk
Management Director & Co-Founder | Aimi Maunders Director & Co-Founder | Emma White Advisor & Co-Founder | Paul Maunders Finance Director | Steve White
happiful c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley Surrey, GU15 3YL hello@happiful.com
Jake Hamilton Editor
happiful is a brand of Memiah Limited. The opinions, views and values expressed in happiful are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values. Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only. We do not accept liability for products and/or services offered by third parties.
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happiful thought for June ‘True life is lived when tiny changes occur’ – Leo Tolstoy
The Uplift Positive news that transforms the world Healthy news
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The Make-A-Wish fundraiser
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Happiness in business: Dishoom
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The 80/20 relationship rule
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happiful hacks 17
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The Uplift | News
Researchers say the ‘eureka phenomenon’ happens when we think for ourselves
SCIENCE
Are you having a ‘Eureka!’ moment? Scientists are starting to figure why our brains go ‘Aha!’ – and the answer could be in our eyes We all struggle with solving problems, but there’s no better feeling than the moment your brain suddenly clicks and everything falls into place. That euphoric “Eureka!” moment is often the result of your brain filtering through ideas subconsciously, and seems to come from absolutely nowhere. But imagine if we knew exactly how to reach that mental climax with ease? Researchers from Ohio State University recently published a study in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, looking into “epiphany learning” to see if they could discover the secret to the eureka phenomenon, and whether they were able to anticipate its arrival. Their experiment focused on participants playing a game, where each player picked a number from zero to 10, and the winner was whoever’s number was closest to the average
happiful • June 2017
OPEN YOUR MIND US scientists have found that people who are more open-minded (a trait closely linked to creativity) can actually see the world differently. Being open to new experiences means seeing more opportunities and possibilities, which in turn produces new ideas and goals. Voila!
of their two selected numbers, multiplied by 0.9. The sneaky part was that the players didn’t know the criteria to win. They had to figure it out for themselves. The trick to the game is to pick zero, because you’re guaranteed to at least draw. Previous research has found that most people aren’t aware of this strategy when they start playing, but gradually come to realise it – allowing the researchers to witness eureka moments in real-time. Not quite Jack Bauer, but still pretty exciting. The researchers studied participants’ eye movements as they played, and found that when making their decision, participants looked at the zero more often than other numbers, even if they didn’t pick it. They also found those who were figuring out the solution spent more time focused on the outcome of each game rather than on what their opponent was doing. The study authors suggest the research shows how “it is better to think about a problem than to simply follow others”. Scientists may not have found the formula to making your eureka moment happen just yet, but lightbulbs are definitely flickering above their heads. The next time you’re worried your ideas are too off the wall, remember it could be thinking “outside the box” that lets you understand the bigger picture. You could be seconds away from an epiphany, just like the original eureka-shouter Archimedes, who ran home naked through the streets. Just try not to get arrested for public indecency.
Photography | David M G / Shutterstock.com
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LIFE
A study suggests more time on Facebook equals less life satisfaction
Talking to yourself? You might be a genius Study finds that speaking out loud could be a sign of cognitive intelligence
SOCIETY
Let’s face it, Facebook is making us miserable Research links a decline in wellbeing with time spent on the social media giant Most people will admit to having an unhealthy relationship with Facebook. Of the UK’s 32 million users, each person spends an incredible 26.5 hours a month using its services. We can’t live with it, yet we can’t live without it. Less than 20 minutes after deciding to stay off Facebook for a while, we’ll find ourselves scrolling through our newsfeed, glued to an argument that’s reaching boiling point with someone we went to school with 15 years ago but haven’t spoken to since. While Facebook connects us with friends and family across the globe, and is a goldmine for hilarious videos (who doesn’t love Jonathan Pie?), it undoubtedly has its downsides. Now there’s scientific evidence to prove it. A recent study published in the Journal of Epidemiology looked into more than 5,000 people’s usage of Facebook compared to their self-reported level of wellbeing over a three-year period. They found a significant correlation between Facebook usage and a decline in wellbeing, as well as people’s physical and mental health, and their life satisfaction. Our advice? Moderation. Opening Facebook a dozen times a day is probably verging on the unhealthy. Opening a real book – or perhaps, a magazine called happiful – might be better for your wellbeing.
PIMP OUT YOUR PROFILE PIC Putting your profile photo in the hands of a friend may sound barmy, but a US study has found that your mates know best when it comes to showing your best side. We view images of ourselves so often that the study recommends letting a friend pick our next pic to give us the best chance of a good first impression.
The next time you hear your boss speaking out loud to himself at his desk (hmm, like our editor, Jake) there’s no need to worry: it’s actually a sign they could be on to something great. New research from Bangor University has found that talking out loud could be a sign of high cognitive functioning. Talking out loud has been found to improve concentration and performance levels in certain tasks. Researchers conducted a study where 28 people were given a set of written instructions, and were asked to either read them in their heads or out loud before commencing a task. The study found that those reading out loud processed the instructions better, and consequently achieved better results. In other words, If you’re nervous about an upcoming task, or planning a project, don’t be afraid to give yourself a little pep talk – it could be your inner Einstein whispering to get out.
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The Uplift | The Wrap
The
wellbeing wrap Weird, wonderful and welcoming news
Picky eaters could be masterchefs in disguise A new book, Flavour, by journalist Bob Holmes, puts forward the idea that picky eaters are actually “supertasters” with a more acute sense of taste perception. Supertasters, says Holmes, come in two groups – the food adventurous and the picky eaters. Taste also depends on our DNA, apparently.
Coffee lovers rejoice! Watching your daily coffee intake? Caffeine tolerance differs from person to person, but a new study in Food and Chemical Toxicology says you can go up to 400 milligrams of caffeine a day and it won’t harm your health. Previously, researchers recommended 300 milligrams, or two Starbucks grandes.
“I am the river. The river is me” New Zealand’s parliament has recognised the Whanganui River, on North Island, as having the same legal rights as a human being. The law is the first of its kind in the world, and protects the entire 300km river as a living entity, which means if you abuse it, or mistreat it, you could be taken to court.
HOW ‘CLOSE’ ARE YOUR GIRLFRIENDS? Deborah Tannen, professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, USA, suggests women’s friendships have their own special non-language. Being a “close” friend has very little to do with spoken words, and more to do with sharing problems, feeling less alone, and the sense of connectedness.
Red wine can protect the brain Testosterone could make guys DUMBER A study in Psychological Science gave 243 men testosterone gel, or a placebo, then asked some arithmetic questions. The testosterone men did less thinking, going on “gut instinct”, and therefore got more answers wrong. Shouty teens, take note.
Where you eat your lunch speaks volumes Researchers for Baxters Soup at the University of Central Lancashire say they have identified four categories of lunch personalities: 1. People who take long lunches are impulsive. 2. People who go to the canteen for lunch are social butterflies. 3. People who eat at their desk are conformists. 4. People who are busy and grab a quick bite on the job are perfectionists.
happiful • June 2017
Happy thoughts shut down stress A new study in Nature Human Behaviour, involving people shoving their hand into freezing cold water, found that intentionally bringing up “happy thoughts” can prevent the stress hormone cortisol from shooting up. So, if you’re going through a stressful situation, stay positive and focus on happy memories. Your body will thank you.
Confirming what all Spanish grandmothers have always known, a team of researchers at the Institute of Food Science Research in Madrid say red wine may prevent agerelated memory loss. A new study examined the process by which compounds in red wine have an effect on the brain. When consumed (in moderation, obvs), red wine had benefits in delaying the onset of cognitive impairments in ageing and in neurodegenerative diseases like Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s disease.
Posting inspirational quotes on Instagram? It’s not smart Not a fan of “pseudo-profound” quotes? Don’t worry, it could be a sign of intelligence says a new study in Judgment and Decision Making. Researchers claim people who buy into pseudoprofound “bullshit” (they use the word 200 times in their report) are less intelligent, less reflective and have lower cognition. In other words, they haven’t, um, self-actualised.
The ‘best’ way to end emails? American business network Bloomberg says ending emails with “kind regards” or “best” have become meaningless. So what’s best? It might be nothing. No sign-off. Just blank. Apparently, in our social media age, it keeps the conversation flowing. Try it at editorial@happiful.com
Featured charity Each month happiful will pledge 50p from every print copy sold to our featured charity.
The moment I realised
There’s hope for humanity Alexandra Shields says raising funds for the charity Make-A-Wish has shown her the strength of community spirit and people’s generosity Interview | Rebecca Thair
How did you get involved with Make-A-Wish? I’ve always tried to do charitable things, and previously worked for a hospice where my mum passed away when I was a teenager. One day I was sitting in traffic on the A30, when I looked up and saw the Make-A-Wish building. They were looking for public speaking volunteers, which is something I’ve got experience of, so I applied. You’re now the chair of your local fundraising committee. What does that entail? We’re currently organising a race night at the Windlesham Club and Theatre on 24 June. A couple of weeks ago the team did a bucket collection at Tesco and raised nearly £700. Before Christmas, we had a bucket collection at Waitrose in Sandhurst. We engaged with a local Scout group, who came along and helped pack bags while a member of the team collected donations in a Father Christmas hat at the door. We were there for three hours and raised nearly £800. It was absolutely phenomenal. Is there a fundraising activity that’s stood out for you? The Waitrose event was a great activity, and the other good thing that came from it was that the scout group really engaged with what we did, and chose Make-A-Wish as their charity to fundraise for this year. It hasn’t just been about the collection that we did on that day, it’s now about what those children have done to raise money for the charity. It’s a big community piece. Do you hear about how the funds you raise are helping to grant wishes? We get regular emails with updates on the children’s wishes. In the public speaking presentation, there’s a video clip showing a few children and their wishes. There’s one little girl who wanted to be a princess with unicorns, so they put horns on the front of horses. It was just magical.
Some of these children have spent their whole lives in and out of hospitals, and have never really been able to do any of the things we did growing up. Make-A-Wish allows children to get away from hospital and do something they’ll remember for the rest of their lives. What’s the best thing about volunteering for you? When you get bogged down in work, it’s that feeling of coming home and knowing you’re about to do something that’s going to benefit somebody else. I could have sat for three hours and watched TV, but instead I’ve met a load of people, worked with some great kids and we’ve put £800 in the charity’s pocket that wouldn’t have been there otherwise. What’s been the most memorable part of your volunteering experience so far? In February, Make-A-Wish held a Valentine’s Ball at the Dorchester hotel in London. Volunteers, 25 of us, went to help. That was a real eye-opener for me, to see how generous people can be. We saw a side of humanity you don’t see that much at the moment, with the world in the state that it’s in. People were just willing to say: “I’ll sponsor that child’s wish. Here’s £3,000.” It gives me hope for humanity that there are people who, regardless of their circumstances, will give up their time or money to help people they’ll never meet. What’s your advice to anyone thinking of volunteering? Give it a go, because you never know what you’re going to find out about yourself – what you’re going to learn, who you’ll meet or what those things might bring you. And all the time you’re doing it, you’re contributing to the bigger picture, whether you’re doing an hour a week or raising a money at an event. The end result is you’re helping somebody who can’t help themselves. And, surely, that’s worth trying? To find out more about Make-A-Wish, visit make-a-wish.org.uk
happiful • June 2017
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The Uplift | Business Happy
HAPPINESS IS THE SPICE OF LIFE We interview the open-hearted brothers behind Dishoom, the Indian eatery that’s been named the best restaurant in the UK (twice) Interview | Lucy Cavendish
S
hamil and Kavi Thakrar, the duo behind the incredibly successful chain of Indian restaurants Dishoom, are sitting in a booth in their huge Kings Cross outlet. They are, as they call themselves, the chief wallahs behind this highly-respected and much-loved foodie destination. They have won many plaudits, but not just for their food. As they point out to happiful, behind every successful venture is the staff: the men and women who work for them, from front-of-house to waiting staff and, of course, the many chefs who toil away behind the scenes. “Our staff and their welfare is terribly important to us,” says 45-year-old Shamil, who used to work in the family’s former rice business, and also studied business at Harvard. This is obviously true. While happiful dines, everyone comes up to greet the brothers, from the staff to the punters. I ask a man behind the bar whether he likes his job. “I love my job,” he says. “It’s such a happy and inspirational place to work. I have so many opportunities and everyone who works here feels the same.” The brothers’ ethos is simple – if you run a happy ship, you’ll have a successful vessel that can survive the ups and downs of a precarious business world.
happiful • June 2017
To keep everyone happy and contented, they offer yoga and music events, with such notable people as Nitin Sawhney and Claire Missingham. They are not averse to sending their workforce on mindfulness training days or bringing a happiness coach in to the kitchen. As Dishoom – a wider version of it – they host Holi parties where the staff throw coloured paint powder over each other. They bring in musicians and storytellers and everyone drinks chai and, later on, their speciality Indian-blended cocktails. They also celebrate Eid and Diwali, asking the happy partakers to tie knots of protection around one another. “Last Raksha Bandhan [a traditional celebration of brotherhood] we asked people of different faiths, nationalities and cultures to tie a piece of thread around each other as a gesture of solidarity,” says Shamil. For every thread, the Thakrars donated £1 to Seeds of Peace, a charity that helps teenagers from conflict regions. They found that 7,485 knots were tied. This year, they hope for even more. Anything goes at Dishoom as long as it makes their workforce happy and their customers delighted. They have an almost cult-like status on social media with a
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Dynamic duo: Shamil and Kavi Thakrar own the ‘happiest’ restaurant in the UK
tremendously devoted following. “We are very committed to the people who work for us and the people who come and eat at Dishoom,” says Shamil. “It’s a family place and we are determined to make it a warm environment.” Their attention to detail is mind-blowing. The brothers go to Mumbai (or Bombay as they still call it) to research all the right furniture and the correct “look” for each of their five restaurants – four in London, one in Edinburgh. Every branch of Dishoom tells a story – the Kings Cross outlet is about a young Indian man earning his fortune selling chai at a railway station. In order to get the feel (and the food) right, the staff gets a trip every other year to India. “We really want the people who work for us to understand the Irani culture,” says Shamil. The concept of Dishoom – which means “Kapow!” in Hindi – is based on the Irani cafes in India’s largest city. “We fell in love with the idea of the Irani cafes of [early 1900s] Bombay. They were formed by the Parsi community who were very Western in their thinking. These spaces ended up being
We absolutely knew we were not rapacious capitalists trying to eke the last penny out of everyone. It’s not who we are community hubs in Bombay – and for us that was amazing. There was a story there about acceptance. Anyone could come and eat in the Irani cafes from any caste. They were very popular.” Before launching the business in 2010 with Amar and Adarsh Radia, a group trip to Mumbai cemented the idea for how Dishoom would stand out in the crowded UK restaurant marketplace. The driving force was their shared experience of home-made Indian food. The restaurants have proved so popular that, in 2015, they came top in the Yelp! poll of the
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The Uplift | Business Happy
Dishoom’s interiors have wowed diners
It’s incredibly important for us to make sure that every single guest and every single employee is completely looked after
Dishoom staff enjoying Holi festival
happiful • June 2017
most popular restaurants in the UK, beating Heston Blumenthal’s Michelin-starred Dinner. They won it again in 2016. “We were so proud,” says Kavi. “It really helped to know that tens of thousands of people love our food and enjoy dining at the restaurants.” “When we first started out, we had no idea if it would be successful,” adds Shamil. Yet the brothers were both convinced that Dishoom would work as a dining concept, as did their commitment to ethical working practices. “We absolutely knew we were not rapacious capitalists trying to eke the last penny out of everyone,” says Shamil. “It’s not who we are.” Recently, The Sunday Times named them as one of the top 100 employers to work for in the UK, in part due to the strong charitable streak running through everything they do. Their net worth has been estimated at more than £10m each, but they plough their earnings back in to expanding their restaurants, paying their staff properly, giving them good holiday allowances, yoga on tap, generous sick leave and pay, and – most highly-valued of all – a commitment to training and encouraging their staff to expand their knowledge of the industry. “No one stays stuck,” says Shamil. “We like bright sparks who want to do well.” He says both his father and grandfather were enormous inspirations. “Both men were great entrepreneurs in their own right and established great businesses. My grandfather was, and my father is, incredibly devoted to our family.” Family photographs adorn all their restaurants, something which makes
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The brothers think of Dishoom as their own world where differences are celebrated rather than judged Business balance: success at work and in the world
the Thakrar brothers proud. “Our restaurants and working ethos is all about family and giving back,” says Shamil, who spent his formative years working for a homeless charity helping street children in Calcutta. “You see everything there, how children struggle to survive, but then can flourish given the right attention and food.” This is partially why they started the initiative “A Meal for a Meal”. “It started during Ramadan two years ago,” says Kavi. “For every meal we serve, we donate a meal to a child who would otherwise go hungry.” Their theory is that when hunger becomes a barrier to education, it’s also a barrier to social mobility. “A child that is not fed can become a teenager who did not learn,” says 38-year-old Kavi. “We care deeply about breaking down these barriers.” By the end of 2016, they had donated 1.7 million meals. That total will rise this year. “The one thing that runs through my father and grandfather is that they would both make time for everyone, and would help anyone out whenever they could,” says Shamil. “They have very directly influenced what we do at Dishoom – it’s incredibly important for us to make sure that every single guest and every single employee is completely looked after. We’re humble enough to know that we don’t always get it right, but I firmly believe you have to enshrine this principle into everything you do.” Shamil says the important thing about Dishoom is that it breaks down barriers. “The Irani cafes were the first places where people of any culture, class or religion could break bread together. And shared places and experience means less violence and less hatred. During partition, Bombay was spared the bloodshed of Delhi and Calcutta, thanks in part to shared spaces like the Irani cafes. Today, more than ever, we believe that breaking down barriers is hugely important work. Whether it’s getting non-Muslims to celebrate Eid, and non-Hindus to celebrate Diwali, tying Knots of Protection on each other, or feeding millions of children. Food is a way of breaking down barriers, and this is at the heart of what we do.” The brothers think of Dishoom as their own world where differences are celebrated rather than judged, a place full to the brim with Bombay food and culture. The food is fresher and tastier, the drinks more thirst-quenching, and the humour more eccentric. Their motto is: you’re always amongst friends. “Our view is that it’s part of human nature to care about making people happy,” says Shamil. “We all care about this deeply. We call this ‘seva’ which means having a big, warm, open heart. Seva also means wanting to be fantastic – firstclass – at everything you do.” Lucy Cavendish is a writer and counsellor who works with individuals, couples and young people. Visit her page at counselling-directory.org.uk for more details.
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The Uplift | The Explainer
Writing | Rebecca Thair
The Explainer
The 80/20 relationship rule
Why having your own personal space in a relationship might just bring you closer together
You may have heard of the 5:2 diet, the entrepreneurial 60:40 rule, but now there’s a new rule of proportions, and this one is prompting couples to think about the amount of time they spend together. But can the law of attraction be boiled down to a formula? The 80/20 relationship theory states that you can only get about 80% of your wants and needs from a healthy relationship, while the remaining 20% you need to provide for yourself. Sounds like the perfect excuse to treat yourself to a spa day. This idea of an 80/20 time-split is nothing new. Italian economist Vilfredo Federico Pareto’s 80/20 principle was developed in 1906, when he found that 80% of the land in Italy was owned by 20% of the population. In Japan, the practice of “hara hachi” – where people eat until they’re 80% full – has been found by researchers to lead to less disease and longer lives. Others have applied the 80/20 rule to their work lives, ensuring they keep 20% of their energy reserved so they don’t burnout and have the energy in reserve to enjoy their free time. So how does this principle apply in relationships? Taken in a positive way, the 80/20 relationship rule can be about rekindling the passions
happiful • June 2017
that have fallen down your list of priorities since finding love. It can be about emphasising the importance of spending time on yourself as an individual, as well as nurturing your relationship. You should spend 80% of your time devoted to your relationship, and still have 20% freedom to follow your dreams and do what you want. That actually makes a whole lot of sense. Some couples can become so used to spending all their time together, they forget how to be apart. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with your significant other, but you shouldn’t lose your own identity in the process. To maintain a healthy relationship, it’s important to know that as much as you love and are happy with someone, you don’t have to be joined at the hip. By dedicating a proportion of your time to your individual pursuits – whether that’s reading, going to the gym, or playing a video game – you know that you can enjoy time spent alone. It’s not neglecting your partner to be a bit selfish once in a while and enjoy some “me time”. They might even thank you for it if they don’t have to watch Made in Chelsea again. You can both explore your own passions, and
give each other the support and space to do so. Aside from developing yourselves, space can multiply those feelings and make the heart grow fonder. You’ll have more experiences to share together, exciting news to impart, and things to laugh about from your time apart. Spending 24/7 together can mean the conversation is naturally going to run dry at some point, and resentment can start to grow if one person feels smothered and unable to pursue their own interests. We all love that feeling of being desperate to see our special someone because we can’t wait to talk to them, and having a little time apart now and then can give you back that excited rush you felt when you first started dating. As with any set of rules – who hasn’t had the annual family Monopoly argument at Christmas? – there are some discrepancies in how people interpret them. The part that divides people is on how some view the 20% of the time where you’re free to do what you fancy. Namely, whether you can do who you fancy. Some people believe the 20% freedom means that during that time you can get intimate with other people, but unlike an open relationship, this is only for
Photography | Bubbers BB / Shutterstock.com
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that allocated period of time. If you’re after this sort of 80/20 split, it requires a very high level of trust between two people. Before bringing this idea into your relationship, it’s important to make sure everyone knows what’s on the agenda – don’t assume your partner will know you’re looking to have some no-strings-attached action on the side. And remember, there are two sides to an equation. Your partner will be free to find their own 10/10 as well. Of course, while there appear to be benefits of applying the 80/20 rule, people have suggested a few issues with it as well. Firstly, what happens if you start to enjoy the 20% of your time away from your partner more than the 80 you spend with them? Just remember we’re all individuals, and what works for one couple might not for another. You and your partner might want to increase your “me time”, and others reduce it. Problems might arise if one of you needs more solo time, and the other is missing being coupled up. If you’re out of balance with each other, it might be that, unlike a proved theorem, your relationship may not last forever, unless you’re open to talking to
Space can multiply those feelings and make the heart grow fonder
each other and finding a happy compromise. Keep in mind the 80/20 rule isn’t an excuse to find flaws in your partner because they can’t provide you with 100% of your happiness. No one is perfect, so if you’re feeling like something is missing, enjoy some independence and know that finding ways to make yourself happy is a good thing. Would you want to risk losing someone who brings you 80% of your happiness, because you’re hoping that someone else might be able to give you the 20% you’re missing? I’m no mathematician, but something doesn’t add up there. As with most things in life, rules are meant to be broken. Unless it’s the rule of shotgun – that’s not to be messed with. The common denominator in the 80/20 rule is that ensuring you spend quality time on yourself is more important than the proportion itself, which could work differently in every couple. There’s no simple equation for true love, but the advice is to make sure you look after yourself as individuals to make you even stronger as a couple. If you want to assess your life and what makes you happy, talking to a life coach can help you work through the problems and solve your happiness equation. Visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk to find a professional in your area.
happiful • June 2017
Supporting your wellness journey by connecting you with expert advice and qualified nutritionists in your area. www.nutritionist-resource.org.uk Use our website to find out more about a range of nutrition topics and to connect with over 600 qualified nutrition professionals across the UK.
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Hacks Having trouble navigating through this thing called life? happiful is here to help. Hack your way to better health with these wellbeing quick fixes
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The Uplift | happiful Hacks
5 smart tips
How to overcome the fear of public speaking Glossophobia (the fear of public speaking) is one of the UK’s top three fears, along with snakes and heights. But fear no more, happiful is here to help! Writing | Hilda Kalap
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urely public speaking can’t be that bad, right? Wrong. In a 2013 OnePoll study among the British public, the fear of talking to a crowd was found to be a more pressing concern than death itself. What’s causing this abject terror? The main reasons are feeling self-conscious, concern that others are judging you, and the fear of appearing nervous. There’s also the memory of a previous occasion when it didn’t go too well. But the good news is that public speaking is a learned behaviour, meaning you can plan for success. Here’s how to prepare a confident speech: PRACTISE Giving a speech in front of an audience shouldn’t be the first time you deliver it. Practise beforehand so you won’t get lost in the delivery and you connect with the audience. If it helps, video your practice runs and look at ways to make improvements. Also, time your presentation and always have back up material in case you have a few minutes left over. Don’t memorise your speech word for word, just remember the key points and use prompts for sub-topics and examples. BREATHE Unless you’re a trained actor, you’re probably unaware of the best methods of breathing for speech. Public speaking requires a larger reservoir of air than normal breathing. Breathing from the diaphragm is the key. It’s also a good way to calm a galloping heart, and to prevent you from audibly gasping through nervousness. Exhalation needs to be more controlled so you can sustain vocalised sounds to the ends of phrases, where the most important words usually sit. Deep breathing keeps your voice centred, which strengthens your credibility and confidence. Yoga techniques can also help.
happiful • June 2017
VISUALISE Find a quiet, private place to do your mental rehearsal. The key to effective visualisation is specificity. So, visualise your performance from beginning to end. Don’t miss a step. Start by seeing yourself waiting to be introduced. Imagine the audience, the face of your host, how many seats will be empty or full. Rehearse the way you walk, how tall you stand, the relaxed smile on your face, your confident body language, and what you are going to say. Visualise a positive reaction from the audience. Don’t stop until you’ve mentally rehearsed walking off the stage. Visualise only positive results. TRY ‘TAPPING’ Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT or “tapping”) has been used for phobias, addictions, PTSD and much more. It is a powerful, effective technique that combines Chinese acupressure with modern psychology. It works by mentally “tuning in” to specific issues while stimulating certain meridian points on the body by tapping on them with the fingertips. The limiting belief and emotions are reduced in intensity by balancing disturbances in the meridian system. The basic tapping process is easy to learn and can be practised anywhere. STAY HYDRATED Remember your first stab at public speaking? Remember feeling like your mouth was full of cotton wool? A dry mouth is a sign of anxiety. Stay hydrated. Drink plenty of water before you speak, and keep a glass nearby at all times.
Hilda Kalap is a healer, teacher and writer. Visit thehealingspace.global
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5 ways
Embrace your inner child this summer If you’re afraid to let your imagination run wild, remember that growing older doesn’t necessarily mean growing up Writing | Rebecca Thair
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emember when you were a kid, and your biggest worry was whether the rocket you were building from cardboard boxes would be able to carry all your toys to the moon? The pressures of daily adult life can often make us feel stuck in a rut of responsibility, and we forget to let our guards down in order to enjoy some carefree fun. But what if we took a day out to not act our age? Or to at least give in to our playful selves and release our inner child again? Here’s a few thoughts on how you can add some happy-go-lucky playfulness to your daily routine: BUILD A FORT All you need are a few pillows, blankets and a creative mind to let a comfy castle – or perhaps a secret cave – begin to take shape in your home. If you’ve got kids, they’ll love to get involved and have a secret space to play. If not, you’ve got yourself a perfect den for reading, writing or even watching one of your favourite childhood films. EXPLORE NATURE It could be as simple as heading to the local woods to climb a tree, visiting a brook to build a dam, or going for a bike ride around the places you normally just pass through on your way to work. Experiencing familiar haunts from a fresh, creative angle can be an easy and fun way to get outside and rekindle that adventurous spirit. HAVE AN ADVENTURE If you fancy a new activity or want to go further afield in your exploring, there are lots of activities for adults that allow you
to access your inner child. Bounce Below is a thrill-seeker’s subterranean playground with trampolines, bouncy nets and slides, set in a cavern in north Wales. Another great day out is Go Ape, which has locations all across the UK, providing tree top adventures where you can unleash your primal Tarzan as you face high rope obstacles, or explore the forest on your own Segway experience. HAVE A FANCY DRESS PARTY Part of being a kid all over again is enjoying a lack of inhibition, whereby you can let your high spirits come out to play. Getting into character and making a costume can be a fun release, and giving your party a fancy dress element makes things that much more special with the effort you and your friends will put into it. It also gives you something to anticipate: trying to guess what your friends will show up as. Plus, with a few summer cocktails, it’ll be full of laughs. HAVE A WATER FIGHT Get yourself outdoors with a bunch of friends, water balloons at the ready, and let the chaos commence! Hopefully the British summer will appear as an excuse for you to cool off in the sun, but whatever your reason, it’s great to recreate the fun of running around and playing chase-and-catch. The water is just another element to throw into the mix.
Talking to a life coach can help you rediscover what makes you truly happiest, and how to introduce some good old fashioned fun into your adult daily life. Visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk for more details.
happiful • June 2017
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The Uplift | happiful Hacks
4 warning signs
Are you the workplace bully? With so much attention focused on playground bullying, it’s hard to imagine that adults are bullied too. But grown-up oppression does exist – particularly in the workplace – and the bully in the room might be you Writing | Becky Wright
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n a recent Counselling Directory survey of more than 1,000 adults, 30% said they had experienced bullying in the workplace. Of those people, a further 60% said they didn’t seek any form of office support. With a hierarchical structure and a natural competitive element in the workplace, the temptation to step on colleagues is a common occurrence. Bullying, however, can turn a safe and enjoyable work environment into a place that you dread stepping into every morning. And it might be you that’s causing the problem. We often think of adult bullying as arguments or rudeness, but it can be far subtler. You might not even think of yourself as a bully, but your behaviour may actually be affecting others. We explore some of the key signs to tell if you might be overstepping the mark: YOU’RE NOT INCLUSIVE You don’t have to openly exclude someone to make them feel left out. Purposefully neglecting to ask someone about their weekend, or not actively inviting them to take part in social events after work can be just as hurtful as exclusion. YOU JOIN IN ON THE JOKE You don’t have to be the person making a joke about a work colleague to be the bully – the act of taking part in office gossip and criticism attaches you to bullying behaviour. YOU MAKE THINGS GO YOUR WAY Do you criticise others’ ideas? Or raise your voice to talk
happiful • June 2017
over, or interrupt your colleagues in order to make sure your ideas are heard loudest? It’s natural to want to persuade others to our own point of view, but it can become extreme if you find that you’re frequently getting your own way. If strong persuasion is within your skill set, it’s possible that you’re actually manipulating others into submission – maybe without even noticing. NO ONE WILL SPEAK OUT You enjoy holding dominance and control over others, but if people are intimidated by you then it’s highly unlikely they will approach you to address your behaviour. So, how do we identify the bully in ourselves? Self-critiquing is hard (particularly as we get older), but self-analysing will help to make you more successful in the long term – and prevent you from hurting people’s feelings. If you recognise some of these behaviours in yourself, it’s important to try to make amends. Actions speak louder than words. Perhaps the best way to start is by consciously making an effort to alter your behaviour and the way you interact with your colleagues. Once someone has felt victimised, it can damage the trust and respect they hold for you. However, opinions can change. We’re all guilty of sometimes assuming that people understand how we act, or what we want from them. But it’s important to be aware that not everyone will react in the same way. Try to be positive and polite in the office – it will earn you respect and friendship.
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4 takeaways
How to burst the ‘beach body’ bubble Ignore the beauty magazines. Forget the advertisements. This summer belongs to you! Writing | Ellen Hoggard
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re you beach body ready? It’s a question that gets plastered all over the media during the lead-up to summer, and one that often leaves us feeling selfconscious and, well, shit. But, have you considered this: you already are beach body ready. You are beautiful and strong in this very moment. Summertime is a tricky time. While we don’t believe in summer shreds or bikini diets, there are ways you can utilise this warm weather boost of motivation. We all want to feel great in our skin. Having an upcoming holiday (or a weekend at the beach) is just the push we need. Here’s our tips for feeling great this summer, in both body and mind: PRAISE YOURSELF We’re all guilty of criticising our bodies. But other than knocking our confidence, this gets us nowhere. Instead of picking out your physical flaws, focus on what you love – whether it’s your strong arms, long legs or beautiful smile. Say these things out loud, complimenting yourself as you would a friend. Next, stop comparing yourself to others. You may be looking at the person next to you, admiring their confidence and thinking, “I need to eat less to look like them,” but chances are they’re thinking the same thing about you or someone else. Remember, you are special. The trick to feeling great is realising that we’re all unique. TRY SUMMER FOODS You don’t need to be on a strict diet before your holiday to look great on the beach. While eating a balanced diet is important for physical health, what we eat affects our mental
health too. Not eating enough can be just as detrimental as overeating – you feel tired and sluggish, which can leave anyone feeling low in confidence. It’s important that you eat enough and fuel your body with the nutrients it needs. Summer brings many foods into season, with asparagus, raspberries and watermelon being at their best – so make the most of them! Experiment with new recipes, include plenty of fresh seasonal ingredients. We know this can be easier said than done, so don’t be afraid to ask for help. Ask your friends to support your journey, or consider speaking to a nutrition professional. KEEP ON THE MOVE We know that being active is good for us, but physical health and mental health are closely linked, and regular exercise is important for both. However, putting pressure on yourself to hit the gym every day of the week can be overwhelming. Your mental health may take a hit. We advise keeping it balanced. Utilise the glorious summer weather (early dawns, late sunsets) to go for long walks with friends or head out dancing. Combining physical exercise with friends also means making memories. You’ll be having fun and your body and mind will reap the benefits. FEEL GREAT Finally, the most important thing to remember is what we said at the beginning – that you are already beach body ready. Being happy, free and confident in your own skin will leave you glowing all over, and looking after your physical health will only make you feel even better. Take care, have fun and enjoy a fantastic June!
happiful • June 2017
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The Uplift | happiful Hacks
Advice for adults
7 ways to help a child who is having a panic attack More and more young people are struggling with anxiety in the UK. Here’s how you can assist a child who is experiencing a panic attack Writing | Kat Nicholls
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ccording to NHS data, the number of young people being treated in hospital has risen by 42% in just a single year, with thousands receiving a diagnosis of “anxiety”. Childline has also reported a 35% rise in anxietyrelated calls in the last 12 months, and new research among 700 children aged 10 and 11 by the mental health charity Place2Be suggests almost two-thirds worry “all the time”. So why are children getting so anxious? One theory points to the rise in social media. Young people are being exposed to the online world earlier, with social networking sites having the potential to become a negative environment for young, impressionable minds. Social media has also been linked to cyber-bullying, low self-esteem and poor body image, all of which can increase feelings of anxiety. Children and young people can find it difficult to express their concerns and may bottle up emotions. If these feelings are not addressed they can affect mental health, leading to anxiety disorders and sudden panic attacks.
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SPOTTING THE WARNING SIGNS Anxiety affects everyone differently. However, there are some common symptoms to look out for in your child: • • • • • • • •
They are struggling to concentrate They are having difficulties sleeping Their eating habits have changed They quickly become angry or irritable They appear tense, fidgety or need to use the toilet often They cry more than usual for no apparent reason They are clingy and reluctant to leave you They complain of feeling unwell or having tummy aches
Of course, whenever you spot a change in your child’s behaviour or health it’s recommended that you make an appointment with your local GP. While anxiety may be the underlying cause, it’s always wise to first rule out a physical health problem.
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Say things like, ‘I know you don’t feel okay but you will be okay,’ ‘I will help you get through this and it will end soon,’ and ‘Take some deep breaths’
HOW TO HELP A PANICKING CHILD Panic attacks are an incredibly frightening symptom of anxiety. They can last anywhere between five and 20 minutes, and have very real physical effects such as chest pain, shortness of breath, dizziness, nausea, and/or trembling. Children may not be as capable of articulating their feelings as adults, so it can be hard to know if they need help. We asked child psychotherapist Shirley Ogilvie how you can help your child if you suspect they are having a panic attack: Remain in control. Remember, a child in the midst of a panic attack has lost their sense of control, which in itself is frightening and overwhelming. Stay calm and mindful while using a firm but gentle tone of voice to communicate that you are present and there for them, and that you understand how anxious they feel. Use age-appropriate words to describe anxiousness, such as “wobbly” or “scared”. By doing this you will communicate a sense of safety, confidence and containment for the child who is in the middle of an emotional storm. Ensure the child feels increasingly safe. Use soothing words. Use their name. Say things like, “I know you don’t feel okay but you will be okay,” “I will help you get through this and it will end soon,” and “Take some deep breaths.” Remind them that panic attacks always end and that they will get through them. This can offer hope. However, try not to give excessive reassurance. You want your child to find their own coping strategies. Pay attention to the physical symptoms of panic attacks. Convey to the child that the fast heartbeat, dizziness or shaking will pass in a few minutes. Tell them these are signs of their fear, not of illness. Give them time to calm down. Don’t rush the child. They will need time to help them regain their sense of self and composure. Finally, always remember that if you can remain calm during their emotional storm they will regain their resilience and the attack will pass more quickly.
If you have been affected by this article and want to talk to a professional, visit counselling-directory.org.uk to find a counsellor in your area.
happiful • June 2017
THE LONG ROAD HOME TV presenter Matt Johnson made success seem effortless. So why did he almost take his own life? In this fiercely honest interview with Jake Hamilton, he explains his mental health issues, his journey to recovery, and why sharing his story can benefit other young men Photography | Joseph Sinclair
Left | Jacket by RM Williams, Shirt by Tiger Of Sweden Right | Shirts by RM Williams. Jeans by Scotch & Soda
happiful • June 2017
happiful • June 2017
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omewhere right now in the UK, a group of men will be gathering in a pub for a quick pint and a chat. There’ll be three or four of them, similar in age and outlook, talking shop and trading banter. They’ll discuss the election, the summer transfer window, and that ridiculous muscle car parked outside. Somebody’s boss will get a proper pasting and there’ll be a blue joke that sets the table roaring. It’s all good pub talk. But what they won’t be discussing is that one of them has been having suicidal thoughts, and another is masking his depression. In a similar pub, on the outskirts of London, I’m sitting with three or four men, one of them TV presenter Matt Johnson, and we’re talking openly about depression. Specifically, his depression. Later, we’ll discuss suicide. Again, his near suicide. If you think our pub talk sounds grim then you’d be within your rights, but wrong. The conversation fizzes with energy and frankness. “It took me two and half years after contemplating suicide to talk about it,” says Matt. “The more we talk, the less fear there’ll be.” Matt hid his depression for years, maybe all his adult life. So did his dad, and his grandad before him. Even when he was presenting This Morning with Phil and Holly, even when he came within milliseconds of jumping off a balcony in Spain in 2009, nobody had a clue what he was going through. Then again, neither did Matt. “I couldn’t talk to my friends about it because I didn’t understand it myself,” he admits. Then he says something surprising, maybe shocking. “I’ve never said this before, but that moment in Spain, 23 December 2009, I wouldn’t change it for the world.” This needs explaining, so let’s explain it. We’ll begin with his background. Matt’s your classic Welsh valley boy. He was born and raised in Caerphilly, a mining town in south Wales, in 1982. It was a normal childhood. His dad was a policeman and his mother a housewife. His older brother, Adam, was an exceptional swimmer who competed at national level. The family didn’t have a lot of money, but then nobody really did in the early 80s. They lived on an estate. It was a happy time. It’s obvious he was blessed with good looks from an early age. (Earlier, he praised the barmaid for her cider and she nearly self-combusted.) But Matt wasn’t an outgoing child. He was a shy boy. “I was very antisocial,” he says. Being a mindful soul, he would get overwhelmed in a room and would toddle off to a quiet corner with his crayons. Matt still loves doodling. It calms him down.
His father worked undercover in a drug squad and had issues with bipolar depression, but no one knew at the time. Matt remembers walking on eggshells whenever his father came home. “Only later did I know what he went through with the police force and his own mental health, so no wonder!” Matt says. His passion comes from his dad, but he admits it can be a turbulent passion at times. His mother, who he calls “the calmest, loveliest, warmest person in the entire world”, gave him the chilled-out exterior that can short-circuit barmaids from 10 paces. These two traits, calmness and turbulence, seem like a walking contradiction, but Matt reckons it’s a good mixture. His contradictory nature became apparent in his teens. “Weirdly I was a loner, because I was pretty much friends with everybody,” he says. Although a sensitive teen, he loved playing the guitar to a crowd, mainly because the girls liked it. “I’m pretty much doing what I do now because girls like it,” he says. But when he moved schools he dropped the guitar and picked up rugby, because the new lads were into it. “The rugby lads distanced me from the creative groups, which is where I really wanted to be. But, hell, I was a teenager.” There was no mischief in his teens, no going off the rails. Anyway, he couldn’t go off the rails. His father was a copper. Truth is, he was kind of boring. “I really wish I had a story for you of my wild teens, but I was just drifting from one group of friends to another, like a social butterfly, dipping in, dipping out, which made it easier for me to leave. That’s always been my thing.”
I was living for five minutes, and then another five minutes, until I had to do something about it. It was the most pivotal moment of my life At a school performance he got up and sang Robbie Williams’ Angels. He didn’t sing it very well, but he enjoyed the feeling. “It was an incredible buzz. People were saying
I should be on stage. It may sound egotistical, but I wanted more of it.” The shy kid who loved the limelight was hooked. At 17 he went to an after-concert party in Cardiff where a TV producer offered him work experience. Soon enough he was getting £65 a day as a runner and extra – a fortune for a teenager. He took to television like a photogenic duck to water. “TV felt normal to me. I didn’t get overwhelmed or nervous by it. I found it exhilarating.” The boy from Caerphilly rose fast. Soon he was working as a reporter on ITV’s Wales Tonight. Matt calls these apprenticeship years “the absolute best two years of my career” because it’s where he fell in love with television. “Today, people arrive on TV from reality shows or because they have a huge Twitter following. I was part of that last wave who came through regional television, thank god.” One day he was watching Phil and Holly on This Morning and decided to send in his showreel. Within the week he was on set. “Suddenly I am on This Morning at 4am and it felt normal. It’s like your nan’s house – the set smells of tea and toast.” He met Eamonn Holmes, who Matt calls his second dad. “Eamonn always walks on set with 10 seconds to go, but on my first day he came to my part of the studio, popped his head around, and said, ‘Matt, don’t f*ck up.’ It was the best thing to say, because it relaxed me.” It all sounds very wonderful, so when did the storm clouds start to gather? Matt takes a moment. “I must have had depression all my life,” he says. “For me, depression is situational.” He says there was no one specific event, rather lots of little things that weighed him down. This might be wrong. While on Wales Tonight he interviewed his friend Stuart Cable, drummer in the Stereophonics. Two days later, Cable was dead. He choked to death on his own vomit after a drinking session. Matt covered his death. It was emotionally draining for him, and his friend’s death hit a nerve. There was another big bump. In his early twenties, Matt shattered his cheekbone after falling flat on his face while out drinking. He was in hospital for a week and had a metal plate put in his face. “Suddenly, I was not invincible,” he says. “I felt vulnerable for the first time in my life.” He ponders these words. “Maybe that was the moment? I became scared of making decisions and my confidence took a big dent. The lights definitely dimmed from that moment. Things started to go wrong inside.” Matt became angrier, grumpier, sadder. He made wrong choices. Money became a problem. He started to rack up debts because he wanted to live the good life and impress his girlfriend at the time, The One Show’s Alex Jones, who was six years his senior. She didn’t know anything. He also started to imagine being asleep in the daytime. “That’s a sure sign of depression,” he says. “I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep. I didn’t want to do anything, certainly not work. I didn’t have much purpose.” Alex started to have a tough time with Matt because she knew how much fun he could be, but suddenly he didn’t want to have fun any more, or go to social events. Everything became overwhelming. He developed a bit of a stutter. He was confused. He couldn’t understand what was happening
inside. “I couldn’t speak sometimes. I couldn’t get out of bed. It felt like those dreams where you’re treading water, but all the time. It was a numb period.” His relationship slowly went south. TV work plateaued. Then things escalated. Previously, he would only feel his depression when he was alone. Now it encroached on his mind when he was with people. “That’s when I started to worry,” he says. “It’s like having an out-of-body experience. It’s the most bizarre situation. You look around. You’re aware of people. You’re aware of yourself. Yet someone or something is pushing your head down.”
I couldn’t speak sometimes. I couldn’t get out of bed. It felt like those dreams where you’re treading water. It was a numb period To cope, Matt turned to drink. Sometimes he drank with friends, but often he drank alone. I ask if he tried talking it over with someone. “Not in the slightest.” Not even Alex? “No. I was hiding from her and everybody else.” When the relationship ended, Matt found his own apartment and shut himself away. He began drinking a lot of wine and listening to a lot of Jeff Buckley. “A terrible idea!” he says. “But there’s an element of self-destruction in me. I was trying to get it out of myself.” He continued to self-medicate with booze. He got taxis to work. He didn’t drink in the day because he respected his job, but he spent the weekends drinking on his own and hoping his feelings would sort themselves out. They didn’t, so he drank some more. The hangovers got worse. He drank to smother the pain. Soon, he was out of control. “I started having suicidal thoughts,” he says. “They kept creeping in at 4am because by then I was having intense insomnia. I was wondering about it. I was thinking, ‘If you were going to do it, how would you do it?’ That scared me.” A week before Christmas 2009, Matt flew out to his family’s pad in Spain to straighten himself out. The plan was to eat healthy Mediterranean food, get lots of fresh air, and sober up. When he arrived, it was tipping down. Matt got absolutely bladdered that night at a local KTV bar. The next day he didn’t want food, or sunshine, or fresh air. Instead, he bought a bottle of Jim Beam and got very angry, very self-destructive, and very pissed off because his plan hadn’t worked. The bottle went down easily, far too easily. “Then,” he says chillingly, “I was in it.” ‘It’ was a world Matt had never been to before, a world he wouldn’t wish on anybody. He describes it as a narrowing
happiful • June 2017
Sweater by Burberry. Jeans by RM Williams
Grooming: Alice Theobald at Joy Goodman using Mac, Murad skincare and Wahl tools Stylist: Krishan Parmar
tunnel. “I couldn’t see laterally. I couldn’t see around myself. It was just an enclosed space of nothingness.” For the entire week, Matt drank until he passed out. He was polishing off two bottles of Jim Beam in a day. “It was pretty f*cking horrible, my body couldn’t take it.” He’s unsparing in his descriptions, but I won’t repeat the details. Just think of all the gory stuff that comes with being horribly, violently drunk – and then triple it. “I didn’t care anymore,” he says. “I was waking up on the floor. I was waking up everywhere. And it wasn’t a game. It was a case of no way out. I didn’t think about the next day. I was living for five minutes, and then another five minutes, until I got to the point when I thought that was it. I had to do something about it. It was the most pivotal moment of my entire life.” That moment was evening. Matt was at home, drunk. Nobody was there. He went out on the balcony and looked below. His mind said jump. “I was genuinely going to do it,” he says. “I’d been thinking about it all day and it seemed like the logical thing. I wasn’t thinking of family members. I was thinking on a legitimate level. I was going to do it.” He had one leg over the balcony when a sudden rush of exuberance took control of him. “Luckily, that rush of adrenaline made me excited again. I chuckled to myself because I was thinking, ‘Would the fall kill me, or just maim me?’ And before the balcony I had gone into the kitchen to cut my wrists but didn’t know how to do that properly either.” All this deliberation took up valuable time. When the euphoria finally hit, Matt stepped back from the edge, and broke down. “Reality rushed into me. I felt the breeze in my hair. I smelt the sick on my clothes. Previously I’d been numb. Now I felt real things. It was very poignant for me. And it was the start of a gradual process.” Matt’s process of recovery, and self-discovery, took nearly three years. Slowly, he found his self-confidence. He focused on work. He exercised. He meditated. He socialised in the daytime hours. But he didn’t officially tell anyone about his depression until he had to. As an ambassador with the mental health charity Mind, he signed up for the London Marathon. Naturally, the press asked, “Why Mind?” Matt had to make a decision. “You have to say the truth. Mind taught me to share, talk and discuss, so I said it.” The press sniffed a story, namely his break-up with Alex Jones. But Matt took control. He went on This Morning with Ruth and Eamonn and revealed his depression in front of millions. “The amount of people that got in touch was outstanding, not one negative tweet or anything. That changed me. It gave me clarity.” I ask how it changed him. “I had forgotten my worth. I wanted to take responsibility. I wanted to make a documentary about mental health. I wanted to make a slight difference.” Still, before he could help others he had to help himself. Matt went on a personal journey. It wasn’t always easy. There were down periods, some money issues, and a rough breakup to deal with. But his self-care regime was simple and true – exercise, going outdoors, drinking water, talking to friends, exploring holistic therapies, projecting a goal, meditating, and having some self-respect.
“Self-discovery is a huge thing. You’ve got to work out your shit. Men spend £300 a month on protein to make themselves look good on the outside. Spend £50 on your insides, so your mind is in line with your body. It’s not a fancy thing to be kind to yourself. It’s absolutely a modern necessity.”
Self-discovery is a huge thing. You’ve got to work out your shit. It’s not a fancy thing to be kind to yourself. It’s absolutely a modern necessity Last month Matt presented the BBC-S4C documentary Iselder a fi (Depression and Me), a personal exploration of his own mental health issues, and a wider look at mental health problems among young men. The response has filled him with hope. “It feels amazing to have done it,” he says. Not everyone was impressed. Piers Morgan tweeted: “I’m not convinced by this new trend of male public soul-bearing. Time for our gender to get a grip, methinks. Life’s tough – man up.” Matt gives Morgan’s views short shrift. “Maybe he should go and interview someone’s mum after her son has committed suicide. It makes me think he’s going through his own issues at the moment. To be honest, I feel sorry for him.” Matt is appalled by the suicide rates among young men in the UK. Suicide is now the biggest killer of men under 45. It eclipses road traffic accidents, cancer and heart disease. What’s worse, men are dying in silence. Such is the stigma of mental illness. “There’s a lot of pressure on young men to be men,” says Matt, “and being a man has changed so much for the better, in my opinion. But men have lost their way, and what it means to be a man. I certainly didn’t know what it was to be a man. Today it seems that nothing is enough anymore. But the truth is, it is enough. We just don’t think it’s enough.” His mission now is to get men talking. “The more we talk about mental health, the more we discuss it, the more magazines like yours that discuss it, the easier it will be for a man to talk about his feelings.” What about people like Piers Morgan who keep telling men to snap out of it? Matt says it’s nonsense. “You can’t snap out of a mental illness. Snap out of it? Absolutely impossible. But start to live in the present? Absolutely possible, and completely free.” Matt Johnson: Iselder a fi (Depression and Me) will be available in English later this year. Follow Matt on Twitter at @Mattjohnsons If you have been affected by the themes covered in this article, please contact the Samaritans’ help line on 116 123
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Science of Happiness
SCIENTIFICALLY
PROVEN WAY S T O B E A
PERSON Writing | Chris Bourn
happiful • June 2017
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The internet is awash with self-help tips on how to lead a happier life. But online advice can often appear subjective and contradictory. To put the quest for happiness on a surer footing, here’s happiful ’s guide to evidence-based positivity: nine everyday mood-lifters that are within everyone’s grasp and are backed up by proper, peer-reviewed research
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Animals Get closer to
Companionship, protection, loyalty, hairballs – these are among the joys that pets offer their owners. But according to a 2011 study, it goes much further than that. The study, led by Allen McConnell of Miami University, looked at 217 pet owners and found they “had greater self-esteem, were more physically fit, tended to be less lonely, were more conscientious, were more extroverted, tended to be less fearful and tended to be less preoccupied than non-owners”. Woof! And if you don’t have room for a pet in your life, even just gazing at animals online can give you a measurable mental lift. Puppies and kittens in particular share many physical traits with babies of our own species, such as large eyes and button noses, which trigger cosy nurturing instincts in us – which in turn can activate the reward centres in the brain. The biological term for juvenile features that generate such a cross-species response is “neoteny” though you might know it better as “awwwww!”
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Science of Happiness
2 Grateful Be more
In terms of positive benefits received versus effort put in, the habit of saying “thank you” surely offers the biggest mood bounce for buck. Leading gratitude researchers Robert Emmons of the University of California, Davis, and Michael McCullough of the University of Miami, have conducted numerous experiments over the years that demonstrate the real, psychological power of those two little words. They’ve shown that jotting down a few sentences each day expressing gratitude for something good in your life can improve your sense of self-worth, fitness levels and overall health after only 10 weeks. Research like this has been linked to the welldocumented “helper’s high”, in which your act of kindness releases mood-boosting endorphins in you as much as in your good deed’s recipient – although a recent study carried out by Oxford and Bournemouth universities has concluded that, “Helping others makes you happy, but the effect is relatively modest.” In any case, thank you scientists of “upstream reciprocity” (altruism, in lay terms) – we are modestly grateful for your efforts.
Play an edifying
3 Video Game In recent years, a barrage of scientific evidence has shot down longstanding arguments that playing computer games is an antisocial or psychologically damaging activity. In 2010, the American Pain Society found that the endorphins released when playing video games could be an effective form of chronic pain relief, while a 2013 University of Iowa study suggested that regular gaming could stave off cognitive deterioration in later life by up to seven years. There are a host of games out there that harness those certified positive vibes you benefit from when doing good for others: in the Re-Mission games, for example, players do battle in the bloodstreams of cancer patients, helping them develop empathy for real-life sufferers of the disease, while a study at the University of Innsbruck, Austria, has found that playing so-called “prosocial” games (in which the object is to co-operate or build to achieve the object, rather than engaging in violence) such as the classics Lemmings and Tetris can heighten players’ levels of empathy once they’re back in the real world.
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4 Sex
Have a reasonable amount of
(But don’t go overboard)
While declaring that sex makes you happy might seem like stating the blooming obvious, many scientists have sought to prove it anyway. You know, for the sake of human knowledge. It’s actually turned out to be a fairly fertile field of enquiry. For instance, one oft-cited US study from 2015 suggests that having sex once a week can give you an allround life satisfaction that’s equivalent to a $50,000 salary. But, before you put in your request for a sex-raise, the same study also found that doing it more frequently than that won’t necessarily give you a greater sense of wellbeing. More recent research suggests that this happiness ceiling might be because it’s not the shagging itself but all the affection and close contact that goes with it that really give rise to a sense of overall contentedness. To paraphrase Anik Debrot et al. in their 2017 paper More Than Just Sex: to improve your quality of life, use sex as the excuse to cuddle yourself happy.
Earn a decent
5 Salary Wealth is another aspect of life in which moderation seems to get the scientists’ seal of approval. Analysing the responses of more than 450,000 Americans surveyed in 2008 and 2009, two Nobel Prize-winning economic scientists, Daniel Kahneman (also bestselling author of Thinking, Fast and Slow) and Angus Deaton, discovered that money does buy happiness after all – but only up to the value of a $75,000 annual income (about £57,500). Measuring “emotional wellbeing” across a range of everyday experiences including worry, sadness, stress and positive feelings, they found that the indicators of a happy life tend to rise in sync with earnings, until that magic $75,000 mark, where they all level off. “Beyond about $75,000 a year,” Kahneman and Deaton report, “there is no improvement whatsoever in any of the three measures of emotional wellbeing.” Which, if you think about it, makes the ideal amount of sex about 33 percent cheaper than the ideal amount of money.
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Science of Happiness
6 Laughter Expose yourself to
A good chuckle is a festival of psychological benefits. Various studies have found that as well as making you more attractive and helping couples stay together longer, a good solid laughter session every now and again generates a serotonin and dopamine kick – chemicals that put a check on stress and stimulate the brain’s pleasure and reward centres. One study last year at Sahmyook University, Seoul, found that, “laughter therapy is a non-invasive and nonpharmacological alternative treatment for stress and depression, representative cases that have a negative influence on mental health.” The even better news is that an overheard giggle riot is officially contagious too. Biologists believe laughter evolved to help our ancestors bond into tighter, more mutually supportive social groups, a theory supported by research from the University of Portsmouth that has shown chimpanzees crack up in direct response to other chimps’ chortles. So even just being aware of the studio audience laughing along on Mrs Brown’s Boys is potentially doing you good – even if the gags leave you feeling a little queasy.
7 20 minutes away Get a job that’s
Work getting you down? If so, it might be more to do with your long commute than your terrible boss – at least if research by Daniel Kahneman is as on the money as his $75,000 magic number for earnings (see previous page). In a 2006 paper Kahneman published with Princeton economist Alan B Kreuger, he rated the most common barriers to “subjective wellbeing” and found that at the top of the drudgery list, above job, housework and childcare, “commuting in the morning appears particularly unpleasant.” Subsequent research has even suggested there’s a time limit for the optimum journey into work – a 20-minute-or-less commute ranks highly among the hallmarks of the happiest lifestyles, according to a survey of 4,000 people commissioned by the UK dairy company Yeo Valley in 2010.
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8 Frustrations Vent your
(But channel them correctly)
Just like the Force, the positive glow from saying “thank you” also has a dark side. According to a penetrating, voodoo doll-based study at the University of Kentucky published in March this year, lashing out at someone who has slighted you triggers a direct and swift improvement in your own mood. The Machiavellian psychologists asked 156 volunteers to give each other feedback on essays they’d written – secretly manufacturing a set of responses to be overly negative and humiliating for some of the writers. Then they busted out the voodoo dolls, and found that a quick jabbing frenzy cancelled out the essayists’ hurt feelings. In some cases, they even boosted the stabber’s mood to match that of the participants who had received the most praise for their work. While these findings may “implicate aggression’s rewarding nature as an incentive for rejected individuals’ violent tendencies,” the long-term effects of revenge induce social unpleasantness and prolong closure. If you do feel vengeful, channel your intensity into your personal goals, because nothing beats success. And if you do meet your perpetrator down the road, hug it out. Scientists have found the act of hugging boosts our levels of oxytocin, the ‘truth’ hormone, which is proven to make us feel happier.
Surround yourself with
9 Yellow
Fans of custard, Norwich City Football Club, and Coldplay will not be surprised by this, but in 2010 scientists formally established the colour most closely associated with a happy mood… and it was all yellow. A team of medical researchers at the University Hospital of South Manchester investigating irritable bowel syndrome found that colour association could be an effective way of assessing patients’ mental state. Using a chart that became known as the “Manchester Colour Wheel”, the researchers found that a particularly bright shade of yellow was most often picked out as the hue happy patients were “most drawn to,” while patients suffering from anxiety or depression would associate themselves with grey. To read more about wearing yellow, turn the page and read our feature on mindful dressing.
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Mindful Dressing
The secrets of
mindful dressing Writing | Jules Standish
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every day you could feel happy, calm and in control, simply by choosing the right colours to wear? Research shows that colour can have a psychological effect on your emotions, as well as boosting self-esteem and general wellbeing. So we asked a professional colour consultant to reveal the life-changing benefits of the following colours...
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Green When to wear it Do you need to forgive someone to enable you to move forward? Wearing green could help to put you in the right frame of mind so that you can find closure, allowing space for renewal and growth. It’s very difficult to embark on a new relationship if you still harbour feelings of resentment towards someone, but when you can forgive them, you are doing yourself a favour as the love can then be allowed to flow once more. Perhaps you actually need to forgive yourself in order for your own personal transformation to take place. In which case, wear some green and mix it with pink, the colour of love and compassion. Green is the colour of loyalty and faithfulness, and while not a passionate colour it enables a sense of peace and balance in relationships.
Green is the colour of loyalty and faithfulness, and while not a passionate colour it enables a sense of peace and balance in relationships
When not to wear it Overindulgence in this colour can sometimes bring on a period of inactivity. If you are experiencing feelings of jealousy or envy, decrease green in your clothing.
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Mindful Dressing
Blue When to wear it Do you need to keep your nerves under control for optimum wellbeing? Blue is a wonderful colour to wear for calming your nervous system, as it’s shown to release the anti-stress hormone oxytocin. If you find yourself overloaded with stressful thoughts or too much to do, then wearing blue will help you to slow down the pace and create order out of chaos, creating peace of mind and the ability to focus in a calm way. If you need to withdraw mentally from a busy environment, then wearing blue will also help you to gain inner strength. Blue is the colour of tranquillity and peaceful communication, helping you to stay cool in any situation.
Blue is the colour of tranquillity and peaceful communication
When not to wear it Blue is not a good colour to wear in abundance if you are feeling lonely, withdrawn or sad. If this is the case, then particularly avoid dark shades of blue.
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Purple When to wear it Do you have a broken heart that needs healing? Perhaps you are coming out of a destructive relationship that has left you seeking a new purpose in your life? If you are ready to face these deep emotional issues, then purple can help you to find peace and move on. Wearing purple, and violet in particular, will make you feel safe. Violet also has the ability to calm a chaotic mind, to help you learn lessons from your past experiences, and then allow new changes to come into your life. Wearing purple with pink is a particularly powerful combination in times of emotional healing.
Wearing purple with pink is a particularly powerful combination in times of emotional healing
When not to wear it If you are feeling down, then please steer clear of purple. Also, if you tend to daydream too much and fantasise, don’t wear it!
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Mindful Dressing
Pink When to wear it Do you need to let go of the past, or release old habits? We all get trapped into past conditioning. Sometimes the hardest part is waking up to the realisation that you need to relinquish emotional patterns and move forward. If you have found yourself too dependent on others for support, and need to let go of any difficult or hurtful situations, pink is a nurturing colour that can allow you to feel unconditional love for yourself and to forgive others. If you have unhappy memories and need to release events from the past, pink might help you to heal open wounds that have caused psychological turmoil. Surrounding yourself in the loving colour of pink will help you to feel gratitude, too.
Pink might help you to heal open wounds that have caused psychological turmoil
When not to wear it Don’t wear pink if you are feeling particularly emotionally vulnerable or find yourself giving more than receiving. If you are overly dependent on others, avoid pink for the time being.
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Red When to wear it Are you looking for a new challenge and want to feel energised to succeed? In psychotherapy, red has been used to boost moods for depression, so if you use red mindfully it can encourage you to come out of yourself and face life with renewed optimism. It can also be a wonderful colour to help you come up with new ideas as it’s a creative colour that propels people to action. Red will inject you with enthusiasm for a new project and the courage to follow it through. If you have been rejected, or have lost a job, or feel lacking in self-confidence, red will help you to gain a new zest for life and give you some much-needed energy to get up and go again.
When not to wear it
Red will inject you with enthusiasm for a new project and the courage to follow it through
Be mindful about wearing red if you are feeling particularly anxious, angry, on edge, or have high blood pressure. Also, avoid red if you don’t want to stand out in a crowd and get noticed. Be careful of certain shades of red. If you have a constant high cheek colour it will only highlight this area.
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Mindful Dressing
Orange When to wear it Do you need to overcome adversity or recover from the shock of an emotional trauma? Orange has a positive effect and will help you to recover after a difficult period that has left you feeling deep grief or despair, and an inability to pick yourself up and feel positive about life. Wearing orange will allow you to feel secure and grounded enough to move out beyond your immediate surroundings to create new relationships and experiences. If you have been through an emotional trauma or shock, then orange really can help you move forward and leave the fear behind. This could be the break-up of a relationship, or anything that has affected you on a deep emotional level.
If you feel particularly nauseous, avoid orange altogether
When not to wear it Beware of orange if you are overly stressed or easily angered and irritated, or have high blood pressure. If you feel particularly nauseous, avoid altogether.
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Yellow When to wear it For decision making, emotional detachment and clarity of mind, yellow is your colour. If you need to make an important decision, then yellow is a powerful tool in being able to step away from the situation and see it with clarity before you make your choices. If you are plagued by self-doubt, yellow can help to give you the confidence you need to value yourself. As yellow is also the colour of the intellect, it will enable you to stimulate and speed up your thinking processes and, in overcoming indecision, it will allow you to trust in your gut instincts. Also, if you need to let go of a past situation, or detach yourself from old habits, then yellow is a great colour to embrace.
When not to wear it As yellow is also the colour of the intellect, it will enable you to stimulate and speed up your thinking processes
Never wear yellow in abundance if you are in an unusually anxious or argumentative mood, as this colour will be too mentally stimulating for you. Jules Standish is the author of The Essential Guide to Mindful Dressing (John Hunt Publishing)
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Sex & Relationships
“
If you’re having consensual sex and you’re happy about that, why’s that anybody’s business?
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My and sexeveryone life… else’s We chatted with award-winning YouTuber and influencer Hannah Witton about becoming a birds-and-bees guru, and how her day job affects her own sex life Interview | Rebecca Thair
Hello Hannah! So, how did you get into vlogging about sex and relationships? Sex education was something I was already interested in, but I didn’t quite know where to channel that energy. I’d been making videos for a few months, and started to gain a moderate audience. I was watching a lot of Laci Green’s videos – who’s a sex educator in the US – and then it just sort of clicked and I was like, “I could do something like this.” At the time, there was no one doing it in the UK, and there still isn’t really anyone whose main thing is sex and relationships. Do you think people should be more open to talking about sex in schools and at home? Absolutely. I don’t think young people should have to go to the internet to find out things because they haven’t been taught them. A lot of people will tweet me saying that everything they’ve learnt about sex has come from my videos. I’m like, “You’re welcome,” but also, “Oh my goodness, that’s terrible.” Do people watch your videos for information or because they want to discuss sex? A lot of people will come to my channel out of curiosity. It’s something that maybe they already know about, but they want a safe space to discuss these things, learn a bit more about them, and just not be judged. Some people come for specific advice. A lot of people will say they’ve never even looked at their vagina before and feel gross about their own bodies, or feel confused or ashamed about their sexuality. One of the things I want to get across is that we’re all normal. It’s really important because if you’re not taught from a young age that all these things are okay, and the only other education you might be getting is from mainstream porn, then a lot of problems can arise in people’s confidence, selfworth, and how they interact with other people. Have you always been open about sex and relationships? I had a very open household growing up so I think that definitely helped. We could talk about anything, like at the dinner table we could talk about periods. I was never told, “Don’t ask that.”
How do your family feel about your videos? They absolutely love them! My parents don’t watch all of my videos, but they’re incredibly supportive. My gran actually watches all of them. She genuinely loves them. The only one she’s expressed any discomfort with is the video I did on period sex. I was just like, “It’s alright for you, you don’t have periods anymore. Some of us have to make do. I’m not going to let anything stop me!” What’s your experience of online dating been like? When I was online dating, I think I only went on about five dates over a number of years, because I would delete the app off my phone and then I would get curious again and re-download it. For some reason I don’t think it properly worked for me. I spent a lot of time browsing and talking to people. But I didn’t feel compelled to go out with them that often. Two out of the five people were because I was doing an online dating series and I had to go on a date – for research! You’ve got a boyfriend now, but vlogged about single life. What was the best thing about that? Just doing what I wanted, when I wanted. Having this complete freedom, especially being at university and having just moved to London, it was this exciting time and I was dating, making lots of connections, it was fun. Of course there was the odd heartbreak here and there, but it builds you up and that’s what makes you who you are. For the most part things ended amicably. We were just like, “Yeah, we’re not meant to be.” Did you feel social pressure when you hit your mid-20s to ‘couple-up’? I was starting to feel the pressure to be honest, but it was more coming from myself than anyone else. I would have the odd comment from parents and grandparents that I think everyone gets, like, “How’s your love life?”, “When are you going to give us grandchildren?”, but you don’t take it seriously. I starting dating someone last summer and I was so into him. Then he ended it out of the blue with a really mean text message. This was around the time I was writing the book. I was just like, “Okay, this is definitely going in.”
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Sex & Relationships
Hannah was raised in an open household where talking about sex wasn’t an issue
Your first book is called Doing It. How easy was it to write? It was strange – the easiest parts to write were anecdotes just because they would come out of me. Suddenly all of these details come back, like really specific details of the underwear I was wearing when I lost my virginity! Reliving all of that stuff was fun. It was a really cathartic process. It was hard work because of the insane word count, like I’ve never written that much in my life before. But it was an amazing experience and I just got into a rhythm every day. So even though I was working from home and not leaving the house, I made sure I showered, sat down at the kitchen table and just got in the zone and wrote. It was a lot of fun.
“
To me, it looks like everyone is sex-positive – it’s wonderful. But I’m aware stereotypes and gender roles still exist What’s the response been like so far? The response has been amazing! A lot of people have read the whole thing now and are tweeting me or leaving reviews on Goodreads.com and Amazon. It’s amazing to see that feedback on something you’ve worked on for so long, especially when I’m used to that instant feedback of videos.
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Do you think the stigma around casual sex and one-night stands has reduced over time? I like to think so. For me, I can see it improving, but that’s because of the circles I run in, either in real-life or online. To me, it looks like everyone is sex-positive today – it’s wonderful. But I’m aware that a lot of the stereotypes and gender roles still exist. To be honest, I think it’s those gender roles that hold us back the most. For women, it’s frowned upon if you have casual partners, and for men it’s the opposite – there’s pressure for you to have loads of experience. It’s quite damaging because if you’re having consensual sex and you’re happy about that, it’s coming from a joy of sex and other people, then why’s that anybody’s business? Do you think being a sex vlogger helps or hinders your own sex life? It’s the classic two sides of the same coin. On the one hand, because I talk about sex openly and online, I think a lot of people are quite curious. They’re like, “I wonder what sleeping with Hannah Witton would be like?” To me, that’s kind of gross. I’m like, “No. Uh-uh. Really weird.” But the positive side is that because I lead by example, people often feel very comfortable communicating things about sex to me, which means I’ve always had quite positive experiences with partners in the past. The main worry a lot of people have is of being judged or hurting someone’s feelings. There’s so much anxiety and pressure around sex and relationships, and I feel like I’m a good partner in that sense, and I like to create an environment where that judgement isn’t there and it’s like, “I’ll tell you what I want. What do you want to get out of this experience?”
51
“
My advice is to take it out of the bedroom. Reignite the relationship by going off, having adventures, and doing fun, new, exciting things.
Do you have any advice for couples who want to reignite their sexual spark? I do! Basically, don’t put the pressure on the bedroom to reignite that fire. Remember the things that originally turned you on about your partner, and most people will say they’re most drawn to their partner when they’re doing something new, or they’re watching their partner in their element, and none of these situations are sexual. When you put pressure on the bedroom, it gets so messy and personal, and there’s so many expectations that often mean it’s even more difficult to perform because you’re not relaxed. My advice is to take it out of the bedroom. Reignite the relationship by going off, having adventures, and doing fun, new, exciting things. The more you do that, the more you’ll find that’ll seep back into your sex life as well. You’re keen on promoting masturbation. Absolutely. Talking about masturbation, and masturbating in the first place, is seriously great and it’s wonderful to be able to talk about sexual things in a nonsexual context. I’ve learnt so much about my body, the pleasure I get, and masturbation and sex in general, from talking to my friends about how they masturbate – funny little stories or anecdotes, tips and tricks. Like if you’ve got a really good thing going on, share the love. We all want to know! Do people seem more comfortable talking openly about it now? There’s still a taboo around it, especially surrounding female masturbation, and I definitely fell victim to that in my teen years because I found it disgusting, and didn’t touch myself ever. So now I’m just playing catch-up. I think
[masturbation] should be normalised and parents shouldn’t be afraid when their kid tells them they’re doing these things or they catch them doing them. It should be like, “That’s absolutely fine, just do it in private.” That’s all you need to say, because as soon as you go, “No, that’s wrong,” that’ll be ingrained in their brain and they might have an unhealthy relationship with their body for who knows how long. Do you plan to write more books in the future? I definitely want to write more books. I’ve got a few ideas for a second book, but nothing’s set in stone yet. Outside of vlogging, I’ve got a podcast with two of my friends called The Banging Book Club, where we read and review a book about sex each month, and this month I picked my own book! I love the podcast and reading loads of books about sex. We’re hoping to do more live events with it, and I definitely want to do more podcasting – we’ll see if I have a solo podcast soon.
Doing It is out now, priced £7.99 (Wren and Rook). Find Hannah on Twitter @HannahWitton, online at hannahwitton.com, or check out her YouTube channel
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Yoga
the effects of everyday
YOGA By introducing these six easy-to-master yoga poses into your daily routine, you can lower stress, improve calmness and experience a natural uplift in your mood. Stretching has never felt so good! Writing | Eve Menezes Cunningham
T
he modern 24/7 world means that we’re always on, which also means our nervous systems are suffering. Fortunately, yoga can help us retrain our nervous systems and, with regular practice, rewire our brains. Working with the vagus nerve is extraordinarily popular at the moment. This major nerve of the parasympathetic nervous system sends 80% of signals from body to brain, and scientists are now falling over themselves to discover what yoga practitioners have known for thousands of years. Namely, that we can transform our mood by moving and breathing. Everyone can try yoga. And you don’t need permission from a Himalayan mystic to incorporate it into your daily life. All it takes is a little commitment. Try these simple but highly effective poses to help reconnect your body with your mind:
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CAMEL POSE
From a high kneeling position, tuck your toes under, putting your hands on your lower back/sacrum. Gently open the “heart centre” of your chest as you tilt your chin and head, leaning backwards. If you want to go further, take your hands and rest them on your ankles, keeping balanced, and reach your head downwards towards the feet as you continue to open upwards. Notice what’s happening with your breath. As well as aiming to continue with a long exhalation and low abdominal breath, the camel can be great for training the breath to the back of the lungs, encouraging full thoracic breathing. If it feels good, stay for five complete breaths.
What’s it good for? Camel can help bring new perspectives as well as offering the mood-boosting benefits of stretching back-bends.
BRIDGE POSE
Lie on your back with head, neck and spine aligned, arms alongside the body, and palms down. Draw the feet towards your torso with bent knees over the ankles. Gently inhale rising up, and exhale back down. After a few breaths, you may want to hold the pose, lifting the hips towards the heavens, opening the chest and regulating the breath. When you’ve had a few complete breaths (five should feel good) gently come back down to the ground and stretch in whatever way feels best for you.
What’s it good for? It’s a balancing pose, both grounding and energising. Bridge also helps us consider gaps that we’ve bridged in our lives, encouraging us to do the same with current obstacles.
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Yoga
STANDING FORWARD BEND POSE
With your feet hip-distance apart and facing forward, raise your arms overhead, hinge at the hips, and allow yourself to gently fold forwards to whatever degree feels comfortable. Ensure you have at least a micro-bend in your knees. If you go all the way, rest your hands under your feet, on the floor, or around your ankles. If not, shins or higher up is fine. Trust that you’re getting the right stretch for your body in this moment. Aim for five complete breaths. If you find it relaxing enough, holding the pose for three minutes or longer, while inhaling and exhaling with the same quality. To come up, bend the knees a little more and roll up slowly and gently.
What’s it good for? This pose can help induce the “relaxation response”, which is the body’s natural antidote to “fight-or-flight”.
CHILD POSE
Traditionally taught by kneeling and allowing the forehead to rest on the floor while your heels remain on the back of the feet, many adult bodies don’t always make the child pose naturally. You might find it easier to keep the big toes together and the knees wide apart. You may also want to rest with your hands as a pillow for your forehead, or even wrapped around your torso, first resting on one temple and then gently turning so both sides of the neck feel balanced.
What’s it good for? As well as offering stress relief, benefits include stretching the spine, hips, thighs and ankles. Yoga specialists say the child pose is especially good when menstruating.
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CHAIR POSE
Stand with your feet hip-distance apart, both feet facing forwards. Inhale and raise both arms overhead. Exhaling, bend your knees and also bend your upper body forward. Hold for up to three minutes and notice your breath. When ready to come out of the hold, inhale and straighten your knees. Exhale and release your arms. Hold for three minutes then rest before holding it for three more minutes, resting again, and then holding it for a final three minutes.
What’s it good for? Wonderful for panic attacks, this pose reminds us that the more grounded we can remain in our lives, the higher we can reach, the more we can achieve. It also strengthens thigh muscles.
ARE YOU BREATHING MINDFULLY? Mindful breathing helps us make better decisions, calms us down, regulates our emotions and helps us relate better to others. Start by noticing your natural breath. Are you breathing from the top of the lungs? Middle of the lungs? Or lower lungs? How does it feel to consciously bring the breath down as if breathing from the belly? Now notice the length. Are you inhaling longer? Exhaling longer? Or even? See how it feels to consciously breathe out more slowly than you breathe in. This is activating the rest-digest part of the nervous system. It takes concentration but it will bring many health benefits.
MOUNTAIN POSE
With your feet together or hip-distance apart, face forwards. Notice the weight of the body on the balls of each foot and heel as well as inner and outer edges of the feet. You might want to imagine a mountain behind you, supporting and nourishing you as the ground below keeps you connected. Reach your fingertips down alongside the body and lift at the crown of the head. Notice what’s happening with the breath. If you have low blood pressure or start to feel dizzy, rising up and down on the balls of the feet will allow the calf muscles to act as a pump, aiding circulation.
What’s it good for? Brilliant for stability, solidity, balance and symmetry, the mountain pose can be practised almost anywhere.
Want to know more? Find a yoga therapist or instructor near you at therapy-directory.org.uk
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True Life | My Story
I had accepted a life
without children of my own Christian Russo thought he had missed the opportunity to start a family. Then one day, four wonderful kids appeared in his life
A
year ago, I was approaching my 40th birthday. After the demise of a five-year relationship that I was certain would lead to marriage and children, I found myself duly accepting a life without any kids of my own. I told myself that I’d be fine. I’d even begun to rationalise: I could travel on a whim, spend as I saw fit, buy more motorcycles, maybe even live overseas again. Deep down, I would’ve set all those opportunities alight for a child of my own. As I write this, I’m sitting in a noisy games room at a caravan park on Australia’s south coast, hiding from a storm. My girlfriend’s four kids are huddled around one of those claw games, giving each other advice on
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how to fish chocolates out of it. My girlfriend, Ocean, who I spent nearly three years with in my early 20s, is standing behind them, offering advice and cheering them on. She turns occasionally and smiles at me. That smile has been burned in my memory for nearly 20 years. I’m deeply in love with her. I’m in love with her kids. I feel like I’m becoming part of this incredible family. I’m living a life I thought might have escaped me. I was 23 when Ocean and I first fell in love. Jadyn, her firstborn, was only 11 months old. At the time, his father was often absent. Reactively, or perhaps instinctively, Jadyn latched on to me from the first time
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we met (his father is now very attentive and loving). We developed a strong bond. When Ocean and I broke up, I missed him very much. He’s now 17, good looking and taller than me, a diligent student, a natural athlete and a loving family man. He sometimes calls me “bro”. After we split, Ocean married and had three more children. George, 11, has a wild imagination, produces drawings with detail beyond most memories, loves dinosaurs, sports a huge smile and is very affectionate – which isn’t common with children diagnosed with high-functioning autism. His speech is still developing and his attention span can be short but so intense that he’s oblivious to what’s going on around him. Social interaction, his comprehension of relationships and the mechanics of family life initially proved a challenge, but he likes having me around. He comfortably slips an arm over my shoulder or his hand into mine when we walk. He recently mentioned his mother and me marrying, along with a smile. His younger sister Dora, nine, is a gorgeous young lady and too sharp for her age. She can read between the lines when adults speak. She’s effortlessly sweet when drawing you in and stingingly facetious when challenging you. She’s a straight shooter with a huge heart. And Eleni, seven, is a bundle of smiles and warmth, has a boisterous laugh, loves hugs and is hopelessly addicted to Nutella. She continually asks me to wiggle my ears for her, bursting into laughter every time I do it. Her teachers recently told Ocean that she may also be on the autism spectrum after her speech and learning raised some concerns. The prospect of further developmental issues scares me more than it does Ocean. Her love for her kids fills her with courage while I’m only just learning how to reach George.
I’ve always felt that raising children is the great work of a person’s life, simultaneously the greatest sacrifice and greatest reward one could experience Ocean and I have been together for just over a year now but we don’t yet live together. It’s only been about six or seven months since I first met the children. Dora proved the greatest challenge from the start. Early on in our relationship, she proudly said that “no one could replace [her] daddy,” after hearing George mention something about Ocean and I being in love. It was my
Christian with Ocean: a bright new world
first talk with one of the kids about anything to do with my relationship with their mother. I told her that I understood perfectly how she felt because no one could replace my father, either. A tear rolled down her cheek when I told her that he died a decade ago. I told her that I wasn’t even going to try to replace her dad, that I simply loved her mum and want to get to know her and her siblings better. I didn’t know what else to say so I said what came naturally. I think it worked. Earlier today, Dora and I shared a chairlift to the top of the toboggan run at the fun park we visited. We were having the kind of hyperactive chat kids get into when they’re excited. George zipped by below us on a toboggan. Dora called out to him and waved. “George is my best friend,” she explained. Dora told me he has a bigger imagination than anyone she knows. Dropping her tone a little, she said she sometimes feels like she’s a big sister to George. I sensed such sensitivity and consideration behind her words that I had to respond with gentle honesty. I told her that she’d probably find herself being the bigger
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True Life | My Story
I’m not their father, not quite a friend, not an uncle or relative. Yet I eat dinner with them, occasionally kiss them goodnight, and I love their mother
Christian with George, 11
sister more often as she got older. She gave me a wistful “yeah” as she kept her gaze on the passing grass below. That she thought such a thing made me love her more. That she shared it with me is a small miracle. This is an awkward position to be in. I’m not their father, not quite a friend, not an uncle or relative. Yet, I eat dinner with them, occasionally kiss them goodnight, and I love their mother. I know that it’s not my job to be anyone’s father – those jobs are very well occupied – but they’ve tested me when we’ve been alone by doing things they know their mother wouldn’t let them get away with, and that puts me in a no-man’sland of sorts: it’s not my place to discipline them but I don’t want to appear to condone what their mother wouldn’t allow and I’ll admit that I feel somewhat compelled to give them a nudge in the right direction. It’s tricky so I choose my moments, my tone and my words carefully. I’m not their father but, like it or not, I’m in a position where I can influence these children. And I do like it. I love it, actually. I enjoy the responsibility. My actions have more meaning now. At the very least I’ll have some measure of influence on the standards to which these children hold the men in their lives. So I watch my step, my tone and my manner. I don’t do anger like I used to. I choose my battles and my words carefully. I don’t ever scold the children. I have other ways to reach them, when necessary. Jadyn appreciates being spoken to like the
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mature young man that he is; I can appeal to Dora’s intellect; I can reach George with the right tone and an arm over his shoulder. Eleni’s grin tells me she knows when she’s being naughty (it appears to have been singularly designed to melt my resolve). I hold my ground, albeit weakly and with little-to-no inclination to do anything but smile back at that lovely little thing. I’ve always felt that raising children is the great work of a person’s life, simultaneously the greatest sacrifice and greatest reward one could experience. I’m no one’s father but, nonetheless, I feel love and pride when I’m with them. I feel like I’m doing what I was always supposed to do. I always hoped that I could pass on some of the love my father passed onto me and I see a real chance to do that with these kids. I’m part of a second family, one that might even grow one day in the future. It’s an extraordinary, enriching experience. Graeme Orr, MBACP (Accred) UKRCP Reg Ind Counsellor, writes: “Christian is given an unexpected chance to be part of a new family. He has to balance the joy and happiness of relating with the struggle to find a role. He values the positive changes and he prizes his vulnerability in being part of his new family. When we find new relationships and new roles we can feel anxious, but by being honest and open in your communications, you can grow and flourish.”
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For years, I told myself to lose weight or else be alone and unloved forever Marissa Pendlebury overcame years of self-hatred and anorexia to discover self-love, compassion and a nourishing sense of wellbeing
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’m in my dad’s car, refusing to wear a seatbelt while he speeds down a busy starlit highway. I force my hand to grip the door handle while imagining what it would be like to open it – and jump. It was 2009, and I was 14. While everyone else thought I had the whole world ahead of me, I wished for nothing more than to shatter into a thousand pieces on the tarmac below.
I had a deep-rooted fear of food and didn’t know how to eat without an extreme explosion of guilt, shame and anxiety Although I didn’t realise it at the time, I had been suffering with anorexia nervosa, depression and body dysmorphia for the past year. In a final attempt to get me to eat something, anything, my dad was frantically trying to drive me to a mental health hospital in the
hope they would admit me and get me well. All prior attempts from my family, friends and professionals had failed, and a chance of hope seemed bleaker than bleak. As I looked outside the car window, I believed the aftermath of jumping out would be less traumatic than being forced to eat or try and live the life I felt was ruined and not worth living for anymore. An hour earlier, I was standing in the kitchen, in front of the fridge doors, with my parents shouting and begging me to eat. We had come to the last straw, and I knew I needed help. I wept uncontrollably because I had a deep-rooted fear of food and didn’t know how to eat without an extreme explosion of guilt, shame and anxiety. I couldn’t and wouldn’t eat, just like the many similar situations that had plagued my existence for the last several months. Secret missions of hiding food were my main daily goals, scared of what might happen if I dared to eat something fattening or with “too many” calories. I would spend hours in a supermarket, unable to make a decision over which type of cereal to buy, meticulously calculating all the micro and macronutrients on every single packet. I would feel guilty over experiencing the simplest of pleasures. At school, getting anything but an A grade would feel catastrophic, resulting in more excruciating punishment to the body I hated.
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True Life | My Story
“I felt hollow, unfulfilled and never ever good enough”
I was able to break free from my eating disorder by volunteering, pursuing new creative hobbies, and engaging in the community happiful • June 2017
The loved ones around me said they could no longer bear to see a lifeless shadow of myself staring back at them through hollow eyes. Yet I laughed in the face of the psychiatrist who had diagnosed me with having anorexia nervosa just a couple of weeks earlier, telling me that if I didn’t begin to eat or regain any weight, then my time left on this planet was severely limited. I didn’t realise at the time that eating disorders have the highest rate of mortality of any mental illness, but that couldn’t be me surely? To be honest, I had lost all sense of who the real me was. For myself, just like so many young vulnerable individuals in society, I remember feeling so anxious throughout my teenage years. I felt hollow, unfulfilled and never ever good enough in relation to my peers. Having legs like “tree trunks”, and curly hair like “medusa”, were regular bouts of name-calling that deeply entrenched themselves within my mind. Then we were expected to choose our GCSE options. I barely knew what cereal I wanted in the morning, never mind what type of career to pursue! The day I returned from a teenage summer camp during 2007, I remember feeling utterly rejected. I had been isolated throughout the whole trip and left alone for the reason, I believed, of not being the pretty or popular one in my group. Then came the words, “Goodness, haven’t you put on weight,” by a close friend. That was the final straw that led me to question my existence. I began to tell myself the following: “I am unlovable because I look ugly.” “No one will ever like me.” “I am worthless and unlovable.” “I need to lose weight or else I will be destined to feel alone and unlovable forever.” I quit running and music to focus 100% on school work and “eating healthily”. Sometimes, by the time afternoon came, I found that I hadn’t even had time to eat – a recognition that gave me a stark sense of competence, control and pleasure. Friends also positively commented on my recent dramatic weight loss – when I was only 14! For once in my life I felt like I was one step closer to being accepted by others. Food had suddenly become everything – and nothing. A dramatic plummet in my body weight became apparent to everyone but me. Instead of seeing the gradual emaciated body and bones jutting out of my hips and spine, my eyes saw a grotesque monster staring back in the mirror. I once thought that the choice not to eat could be easily switched off, but it soon became clear that I had no real choice. It was like an invisible force, preventing me from placing any energy into my body. Ironically, at the same time as feeling out of control, I felt in complete control. I became completely addicted to the emptiness inside my stomach that seemed to numb the anxiety and depression that plagued my every minute.
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So, back to the beginning, and my dad’s car. I stared outside the window, knowing that this was it. I flung open the door, and immediately felt an excruciating pain throughout the whole upper part of my body – warm blood oozing from my shattered nose. I thought I was seconds away from death, but instead of seeing any gleam of light, I saw my dad’s arm gripped around my neck while I was half-hanging out of the car. He had swerved on the curb, puncturing a tyre, and while grabbing the cuff of my neck he inadvertently elbowed me in the face. I had been given a second chance at life, even though part of me, my eating disorder, desperately wanted me to die. That night we did go to hospital, but A&E instead of the mental health unit. I remember my dad hugging me tightly and saying that he wouldn’t have been able to cope if I passed away. I was also fortunate enough to have many other supportive people in my life. My grandad, my ultimate best friend and life mentor, was there through everything and supported me through thick and thin. He planted those all-important seeds of love and hope in my mind. Unfortunately, years of suffering from any eating disorder takes its toll. After five inpatient hospitalisations, being diagnosed with osteoporosis, and witnessing many traumatic events that no teenager should ever have to see, I had to grow up very quickly. On the positive side, I had been able to get significantly better, and wanted to fully recover. In 2012, my beloved grandad passed away. On the evening of his passing, close to bonfire night, we visited a garden centre to drink tea and eat cake in his honour. I felt my grandad would have been proud of that, and it was a small comfort in what seemed like a world without any love left. On the same night, curling up like a frightened hedgehog in bed, I heard a calm and compassionate whisper. “Marissa, you are worth loving, and have such a positive mission to accomplish. You have so much to give to others, and recovery is possible.” I noticed that two ghostly limbs embraced my stiff body. But they weren’t that of a ghost – they were my own arms, for the first time in years, giving myself a hug. I felt safe, loved, at peace, hopeful. Even with the utter grief inside, I was overwhelmed with a sense that my eating disorder had been forcefully shown the fire exit, and that now I was free to venture upwards and onwards towards recovery. I finally felt free to find the real Marissa. I stand here now, writing this with my warm cup of tea and double chocolate digestive biscuits, knowing that the glimmer of hope on the loneliest night of my life was real. The journey to where I am now didn’t focus on food, weight restoration or anything physical. It was about learning the vital importance of self-love and learning
“If you believe in your need for self-love, anything is possible”
about the many other vital elements of wellbeing that make humans truly happy and healthy. I was able to break free from the eating disorder identity completely by volunteering, pursuing new creative hobbies and engaging in the community. I also felt an incessant urge to start writing from my own “inner compass”. I set up a blog and wrote posts about self-love, body positivity and the many vital elements that make up health and wellness. I termed the word “compassioneer” to describe individuals who are on a journey to trust their own “inner compass” and love themselves from the inside out. I strongly believe that all of us were born to be a compassioneer. I coined the name “Nourishing Routes” to symbolise the importance of being able to go on your own unique journey to happiness and health, and finding a way to love yourself from the inside out. The positive response I got from the blogs helped me develop a website, start a YouTube channel and even write a manuscript. Crazily, last year, the manuscript was accepted by a well-known publisher. My book was published in January. If you believe in, and fulfil, your need for self-love, anything is possible. Health and happiness is so much more than appearing attractive or achieving society’s version of success. Trust your inner compass, follow your own unique path, reach your full potential, and heal any negative relationships with your food and with your body. Marissa Pendlebury is the author of Nourishing Routes: Love food, adore your body, become your authentic self, available from Amazon (price £12.99).
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True Life | My Story
I struggled with
PTSD for nine years before diagnosis A former foreign correspondent for The Times, Ed Gorman’s coverage of the Soviet-Afghan war left him with post-traumatic stress disorder. He finally found salvation in the written word
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Gorman in shalwar kameez travelling with guerrillas in Kunar province
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n a fine summer’s day in early August 1985, in the hills southeast of Kabul in Afghanistan, a lone Soviet army helicopter gunship came thumping and hammering its way into our valley. I was crouching in an old foxhole cut out of the hillside by an Afghan guerrilla fighter – one of the socalled holy warriors or Mujahidin battling the Soviet occupation – and I had precious little protection as the gunship’s pilots scanned the ground in front of them. As a 24-year-old freelance journalist intent on covering my first war, this was an entirely new experience and a terrifying one at that. The gunship hovered, its front end dipping as the pilots hunted for a target. There were several bursts from its machine gun and then the weapons system officer hit the button to release one of its rockets, which accelerated across the open air space and slammed into the hillside above me with a dull thump.
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Then, as quickly as it had presented itself, the gunship turned tail and disappeared over the ridge. In its place silence returned to the hillside, then the sound of birdsong but not – I noticed – the echoing calls of the men shouting to each other to confirm that all was well. That episode came after several consecutive days when our camp and the surrounding hills had been bombarded by jets or by long range artillery. Even though the explosions had not caused any casualties I was feeling edgy and nervous and this time I knew immediately that something was wrong. As the men began to gather back at the camp in a cutting in the rocks lower down from where I had been hiding, they were muttering that Abdullah-Jan, a young mullah who I relied on for translation and one of the men I had grown close to, had been killed. He had been manning a heavy machine gun on the ridge above me and the rocket had hit him in the upper legs, causing massive injuries from which he died within a few minutes. Looking back this all sounds very frightening to witness, traumatising perhaps. But with the advantage of hindsight and having been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder in 1994 and successfully treated in 1995, I know that it was what happened next that formed the basis – or the core – of my traumatic symptoms. Abdullah-Jan was carried down the mountain back to the camp by one of the strongest men, piggy-back style. When I first saw him it was already dusk and I was shaking with nerves after hours of shuddering explosions. There was a haunting quality to the way his head and body moved, as if life-like, as this figure made its way down the rocky path to the terrace where the men prayed. Once there, his body was laid out and the men prepared it for burial. The commander was openly weeping as he sat alongside the bloodied corpse of his trusted lieutenant. Abdullah-Jan’s possessions were handed round as mementoes – the buttons from his tunic, his prayer beads – and I was handed his cigarettes which I immediately smoked and finished, something that would trouble me for years. Later that evening we all walked down in silence to the burial ground below the camp where AbdullahJan – who was carried on a bed – was interred by moonlight alongside other men from that fighting band who had been killed in that long war. Those images – Abdullah’s body being carried, his life-like form, the fading light, the bloodied clothing, the cigarettes – became the dominant and haunting frames in a movie that would play itself out over and over again in my fevered mind as I struggled with the incipient symptoms of PTSD for nine years before diagnosis.
“In 2013, I finally felt able to sit down and write a full account of my journey”
My body would react as if I was in mortal danger – sweating, heart thumping, eyes and gums stinging. It was a waking nightmare
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True Life | My Story
Ed with Mujahidin in Peshawar, Pakistan, after travelling secretly through Kabul in the summer of 1985
I could be in a restaurant somewhere – perhaps in New York, or back in London – and suddenly a quality of the light, or a smell, or something overheard – could tip me into this other world. My mind would take me back to Logar and my body would start to react as if I was in mortal danger – sweating, heart thumping, eyes and gums stinging. It was a waking nightmare and I would feel paralysed, almost stoned, as my mind tried to cope with raw fear, years after the events that caused it. What happened to me when I was awake was
I was stuck with men who were intent on trying to get themselves killed in battle – or martyred mirrored by what happened when I was asleep. I would experience nightmares and terrors from which I would emerge soaked in sweat, exhausted and confused. My case of PTSD was not caused by that episode alone. What happened to me was that, as a result of a series of rash decisions born out of inexperience and unfettered ambition, I hugely ramped up the already
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considerable challenge of travelling and living with the Mujahidin. In those days the only way to cover the war was to travel inside the country on foot from Pakistan and take your chances with guerrillas who were prepared to show you what they were up to in their battle against the Soviets. But they could just as easily betray you, or kill you, or hand you over in a swap for prisoners. In my case, once inside Afghanistan, I decided to split from two fellow journalists that I entered the country with and, in doing so, lost the vital services of the man who had come in with us to act as our translator. In his place Abdullah-Jan fulfilled that role but with his death, I completely lost any control over my destiny and my ability to communicate. From that point on I was stuck with men, many of whom were intent on trying to get themselves killed in battle – or martyred. Under fire for the first time with them, this came as an unnerving shock. I endured successive periods of bombardment by Soviet forces, then travelled secretly into Kabul and stayed in safe houses run by the resistance for 10 days and contracted dysentery. Taken together that trip “inside” lasted more than 60 days, and its cumulative impact was to leave me with permanent and slowly deteriorating trauma symptoms. During the years that I lived undiagnosed, I continued to work as a war correspondent for The Times, completing assignments in places like Sri Lanka, Afghanistan and Bosnia and I was, for four-and-a-half years, the paper’s correspondent in
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Northern Ireland. Little did I know that I was doing exactly the wrong kind of work, given my condition. I assumed that the demons I was battling were normal for people in my line of work, but there were telltale signs that, in retrospect, clearly indicate something serious was wrong. My marriage failed within months; I kept suffering strange fever-like symptoms while on assignment in places like Sarajevo or Iraq; I found I became paralysed by this fever even when simply driving to Heathrow to catch a plane to Pakistan. I was drinking heavily and relied on recreational drugs to try to numb the feelings that were still dominating my conscious and subconscious thoughts. Luckily for me, I finally did something that dramatically converted my underlying symptoms into a full-blown crisis when, in psychiatrists’ terms, I became “non-functional”.
A key difficulty in diagnosing PTSD is that sufferers avoid talking about the core experiences that caused it Ed in Nizauldin’s camp in the mountains south east of Kabul
In early 1994 I was commissioned by The Times to return to Kabul to cover the civil war. During that trip I visited the safe houses where I had been hidden nearly 10 years earlier and was shown one of the holes under the floor of a building where I had been concealed for hours at a time when soldiers came round, hunting for guerrillas. I also discovered that two of the key people who had looked after me in 1985 had been killed, including the commander of the rebel group I had travelled with. The net effect when I got back to London was that my PTSD overwhelmed me and I knew immediately that I could not work. It took a year for me to be correctly diagnosed. In those days, few doctors in London were familiar with PTSD and for many months I was misunderstood, with my doctors convinced I was presenting with a severe form of depression. One key difficulty in diagnosing PTSD is that sufferers avoid talking about the core experiences that caused it, making it harder for doctors to get to grips with what is going on. Once correctly diagnosed, I was treated with group therapy at a two-week residential course with three other PTSD cases at a hospital in Sussex and I quickly made progress. But I was warned by the psychiatrists running the course that the scars would always remain and they were right. For years I continued to suffer flashbacks and relapses but I learnt to deal with them with my wife – I re-married not long after being treated – acting as my debriefer. Those scars prevented me from writing about, or even talking about, what had happened to me for 28 years. Then in 2013 I finally felt able to sit down and write a full account of 1985 and my long journey to recovery that ended with the therapeutic and cathartic experience of getting it all down on the page. I hope that my book will encourage other victims of PTSD to realise that it is possible to escape the cage in which the mind is trapped when that condition takes hold, and that a new life can be fashioned from what is left.
Ed Gorman is the author of Death of a Translator, published by Arcadia Books on 15 June. For more information visit Arcadiabooks.co.uk
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True Life | My Story
“I felt quite alone really. It was only when I got older that I started looking for help”
I’m a full-time carer, but it took me years to realise I needed help as well Ros Wiggins has cared for her mum since childhood. After being diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder in her 20s, she understood the impact her upbringing had on her wellbeing
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hen I was nine, I started caring for my mum with special needs. But it wasn’t until I was about 13 that I realised it was causing me severe anxiety. When I first started caring for mum, I was decorating the house, cooking and did the cleaning. One day when I was 11 or 12, my mum asked me to dye her hair for her when there was a knock at the door. It was the police. They said, “We need your mum to come to the station. She hasn’t paid her TV licence.” It wasn’t her fault, but she couldn’t deal with her finances. I used to worry about things like that. It
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was like I was the adult because mum didn’t know how to look after us. She tried her best, but I brought myself up. I’ve got two older brothers. My oldest brother was always out with his friends – I think that was his way of dealing with his childhood. My middle brother has special needs as well, and went to boarding school because he was quite disruptive and my mum couldn’t cope with him. He used to come home at holidays and weekends, but I’d feel anxious because he’d take my stuff so I couldn’t really have anything of my own.
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Ros enjoying Brighton Pier
We don’t have a normal motherdaughter relationship where you can talk to each other about most things. I felt quite alone really
I didn’t have a dad growing up, so I missed that nurturing and emotional connection where you can just talk to your parents. I think all the stress and worry of dealing with my mum’s finances and her wellbeing, as well as trying to look after myself emotionally, just became too much and I exploded. I don’t blame my mum, but I just wanted what most children do: your mum, your dad and your family. I didn’t have that emotional need filled as a child. I didn’t realise the impact it had on me until I got older and started noticing feeling anxious when I went out. I felt worried about everything and had to be one step ahead. It was like being in the fast lane and your mind’s constantly on the go so you never get a moment’s rest. I kept it to myself as a teenager and didn’t talk to anyone about how I was feeling, because I didn’t really understand what was happening to me. My mum’s a bit like a child so I couldn’t talk to her about it. We don’t have a normal mother-daughter relationship where you can talk to each other about most things. I felt quite alone really. It was only when I got older that I started looking for help. When I was in my early 20s, I went back and forth to the doctor saying I was anxious about every little thing, over-worrying when I went out and felt like it was getting out of control. I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and they gave me lots of different antidepressants. Some people are fine on them, but I had some really bad side effects. I thought, “I’ve got to do something else.” I went to talking therapies on and off for a few years, and I think it’s really good that the NHS provides the service, but it isn’t for everyone. You can only see a counsellor for so long, so you’d just get used to them and start feeling comfortable when they’d say, “You’ve got to refer yourself again if you want to come back for more treatment.” The hardest thing with being a carer is reaching out to other people and asking for help, because you’re so used to helping others. It’s hard to change and say to people, “Can you help me?” In the end, I thought, “I’m going to have to do something myself.” So that’s when I looked for a private counsellor. Some counsellors do a free consultation, which is really good to get an idea of whether they’re the right person for you. I tried a few but they weren’t quite right, and I gave up for a while because I thought I’d never find someone. Eventually I gave it one last go. I still wasn’t 100% sure for the first couple of sessions, but I persevered. Now I’ve stuck to it, I’ve realised it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. I’m on a low income so I was worried about going private, but I know it’s important. It’s my own me-time to talk about how I’m feeling. It’s really helping me so far, and I’m glad that after all this time I’ve found someone who understands.
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I’ve missed out on so much because of my anxieties and now I’m getting older I don’t want to let them hold me back anymore I’m still caring for my mum and I’ve taken over her finances, paying all her bills. I do her shopping, and cook for her most days. She’s 83 now, so she’s got a few health problems as well. I love her to bits, but sometimes it sounds like I’m moaning because I can get really stressed with her. That’s when I know I need to take a little space, but it’s hard to break the habit when you’ve trained your mind to visit her so often. She gets in funny moods a lot, and consciously I know she doesn’t understand how her behaviour’s affecting me, but subconsciously my mind’s taken that in over the years. She’s a very anxious person herself so she needs lots of reassuring, and because I’m saying the same thing over and over again it does bring me down. As soon as I get to the door, I can feel my stress level going up. It can be draining to be a carer, but it’s important to make sure you look after yourself because if you’re not well enough to be able to look after them, then who will? I know some people can’t leave the person they’re caring for so I do feel fortunate that I’m able to. That doesn’t mean to say I’m not constantly worrying about her. Mum’s recently been diagnosed as partially blind – age-related macular dryness – and it can’t be treated so her eyesight’s going to get worse. On a positive note, I’m a lot better than I was. I used to get worked up weeks ahead of an event, physically shaking and sat there wondering what’s wrong with me. But now I’m aware of my triggers and understand why I feel that way. I think your mind can only take so much stress and trauma before it thinks, “fight-or -flight”. But I’ve found the more that I go out and try things, the more my anxiety goes down. No matter how hard it is, you’ve got to face it, and the more you do it, the easier it becomes. I’m proud of myself because I’ve done a lot of things in the last couple of years that I never would have a few years ago. I went on an aeroplane for the first time with my son Carl, my daughter Emma, and their partners. The doctor gave me some diazepam just in case, but I felt so proud because I didn’t need it. My family were
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Ros celebrating her mum Daphne’s birthday
so supportive and really helped me. I’ve missed out on so much because of my anxieties; now I’m getting older I don’t want to let them hold me back anymore. I saw this as a challenge and thought, “I’m going to do it.” Throughout everything, my family have been my rock. I’ve brought my two children up on my own. I’m 53 now, but I’ve had so much happen in my life, not just with my mum, but my mental health and other problems. The good thing that’s come out of it is that I think I’m a better, more understanding person for it. I want people to realise there are people who care, and people out there who can help you. Don’t feel like you’ve got to struggle alone. If I hadn’t pushed myself, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I’ve got a long way to go, but I know that I’m improving and getting there. There is hope. Fe Robinson, MUKCP (Reg.), MBACP (Reg.) psychotherapist and clinical supervisor, writes: “Ros’s resilience has helped her overcome patterns from her past. She has faced her anxiety so that it doesn’t limit her so much. Finding the right counsellor is important, and trusting your own judgement on that matters.”
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Martin speaking at a stroke awareness event
I had a stroke at 49 that nearly killed me Journalist Martin Warrilow lived a fast-paced, highpressured life in his dream job, until his mind and body reached breaking-point
T
he human brain can only be worked so hard. When it’s had enough, it goes haywire. A good analogy is to say it explodes. The only job I ever wanted was to be a journalist, and despite being born with spina bifida and hydrocephalus, I fulfilled that childhood wish. I spent 23 years working on local newspapers in the West Midlands, including The Tamworth Herald, The Sutton Coldfield Observer and the Birmingham Post and Mail, with most of them spent on the sports desks of major regional morning newspapers. I loved it, but worked ridiculous hours. It was evening shifts, starting at 3pm and finishing whenever we finished, which was usually between midnight and 1am. We worked almost every Sunday and Bank Holiday because of the busy sports programme on those days. This routinely meant I didn’t get home until 1.30am, and rarely went to bed before 2am. With my wife, Carmel, waking at 6am to get ready for her commute to work, this meant I wasn’t getting a lot of “proper” sleep. I was also eating a bad diet “on the run” – no breakfast, something quick at lunchtime, and sandwiches and crisps at work. In hindsight, it was a recipe for disaster and in 2006–7, I started to
experience epileptic fits. And not just small fits, but gigantic “fall out of bed, roll around on the floor, lose control of your bodily functions” seizures.
At the age of 49, after two-and-a-half decades in the high-pressured world of journalism, my body and brain had cried, ‘Enough!’ I had at least 10 of them and it took the doctors 18 months to work out what was happening. Finally, my employer paid for a private consultation with a professor of neurology. To be honest, I think they were frightened about what would happen if something
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True Life | My Story
really dramatic went wrong and they were shown to have not fulfilled their duty of care to an employee. I will never forget the day I sat in the consultant’s office and he said, “You don’t know how close you’ve come to killing yourself. Your eating and sleeping patterns are wrecked. Your body clock’s shot to bits.” Sensing disaster ahead, the company quickly put me on regular day shifts for a while and things calmed down. They also put me on a veritable feast of medication and, as I write, I haven’t had a fit since February 2010. But at the end of 2009, my department was the victim of cost-cutting in the newspaper industry as the internet took all their classified advertising, and my job was made redundant. I moved into the world of freelance journalism and quickly got a decent annual contract editing the quarterly magazine of British Naturism. Yes, British Naturism, the organisation who promote social nudity as a leisure activity. My wife and I had been naturists since stumbling on to a clothes-optional beach while on holiday in Spain in 1991, so it seemed like the perfect job. And indeed, I enjoyed it for the first three-and-a-half years – until the 1% of the organisation’s membership who voted in leadership elections decided to change the chairman. The new incumbent hated me and office politics came to the fore. We had endless arguments over trivial issues – and naturism is supposed to be a fun leisure activity aimed at reducing stress. In the autumn of 2013, I decided not to apply for another annual contract, but before I could leave, the organisation decided not to
I lay in the road helpless, paralysed down my left side, carrying a £2,000 computer in my right hand and with a 47-seater bus headed towards me
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Martin, a few days after his stroke
Martin’s tattoo to mark his defiance
Celebrating a friend’s wedding, 2012
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Martin and his wife on holiday in South Africa, 2011
renew my deal – and I was informed of that decision in a two-minute phone call one Sunday night, a month before Christmas. That took away 90% of my income in one fell swoop and over the following two weeks, I’ll admit that I panicked about replacing it. I stressed too much, I worked too hard, I networked too much, doing at least five networking meetings a week, and was spending money I didn’t have. In hindsight, I took my brain and body to their limits and beyond. Then, while I was crossing a road near my home in Tamworth, Staffordshire, on the afternoon of Monday 16 December 2013, I collapsed without warning. I lay in the road helpless, paralysed down my left side, carrying a £2,000 computer in my right hand and with a 47-seater bus headed towards me. I’d had a stroke. At the age of 49, after two-and-a-half decades in the high-pressured world of journalism, my body and brain had cried “Enough!” The stroke could have killed me. The bus should have killed me. But somehow the bus miraculously missed me, and I’m still convinced to this day that the driver didn’t know I was there because I was in his blind spot. I survived the stroke. I spent a month over Christmas and New Year in hospital, where for the first two weeks I was wholly paralysed down my left side. I was in a wheelchair for four months and I was on sticks for 18 months. It took two years for me to re-learn how to walk, which I still do with a limp, and I’ve been left with long-term and short-term memory loss and severe balance issues. But at least I’m alive.
I’ve been retired from full-time work since December 2015 because of the brain damage, but use my experience on a panel for the Stroke Association to help allocate their funds for academic research. I also blog about stroke education at askthewarrior.com, and do inspirational talks about stroke education and awareness as “The Warrior”. Getting involved with support groups and just talking to other survivors online and in person can make a massive difference to your outlook in recovery. I specifically want to emphasise the need for self-employed people to take care of their brains and bodies. I point out that 20-hour days or 100-hour weeks aren’t macho – they’re stupid and dangerous – and also that people should prepare financially for the life-changing event “that will never happen to me”. Well, I’m living, breathing proof that it can happen to you if you work your brain and body too hard. And if I can help one person avoid going through what I’ve been through over the last three-and-a-half years, and will have to go through for the rest of my life, I see that as creating a positive out of a massive negative.
Watch out for someone experiencing a stroke with this acronym from the NHS to make sure you act F.A.S.T. Face: is their face drooping or are they unable to smile? Arms: are they struggling to lift their arms and keep them up because of numbness or weakness on one side? Speech: do they have slurred speech? Time: if you notice these symptoms, it’s time to dial 999.
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True life | Ask the Experts
Ask the Experts Troubled? Confused? Need advice? Our happiful professionals are here to help
AROMATHERAPY
How do I stop myself from feeling overwhelmed? Written by Anna Stone, founder of Calme Therapies
Everyone experiences one of those days where things just aren’t going the way you hoped and you feel completely out of balance. Whatever the reason for your bad day, an essential oil blend can help get you back on track and turn your day around. For these recipes, blend the oils together and use in a diffuser or inhale from a tissue. Alternatively, add the oils to a 10ml rollerball bottle topped up with carrier oil, and apply to your temples or the insides of your wrists throughout the day. ENERGISING BLEND If you’ve been kept awake all night by a teething toddler, the chances are you won’t be feeling too great the next morning. Before you reach for a triple espresso why not give this energising blend a try. It can help to clear your head and give you a boost of get-up-and-go: • 3 drops of rosemary essential oil • 3 drops of thyme essential oil • 2 drops of peppermint essential oil Note: These are all strong oils so I only suggest using this blend if you’re in good health. CALMING BLEND Most of us have experienced “butterflies” on the day of an exam or a big work presentation. A little boost of
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adrenaline can keep you sharp and energised, but if you feel your nerves are getting the better of you, try this blend to help you feel less anxious: • 3 drops of true lavender essential oil • 3 drops of bergamot essential oil • 2 drops of ylang ylang essential oil FOCUSING BLEND This blend is for those days when your list of tasks or deadlines seem endless. It can help improve your focus so you can work through one job at a time: • 3 drops of basil essential oil • 4 drops of frankincense essential oil • 1 drop of vetivert essential oil Note: Essential oils are extremely strong and should never be applied directly to the skin or taken internally unless advised by a professional. If you have sensitive skin, perform a 24-hour patch test with your chosen oils, making sure they’re properly diluted in a base oil. If you’re pregnant or have underlying health issues, it’s always a good idea to seek the advice of a qualified aromatherapist or even speak to a health professional for advice. Extra precautions should be used when treating the elderly or the very young. Read the full article on therapy-directory.org.uk
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HYPNOTHERAPY
Why am I grinding my teeth in my sleep? Written by Troy Robins, certified clinical hypnotherapist
Many suffer in silence, never tell their partner, or don’t even realise they have PND at all
COUNSELLING
I gave birth a few months ago and feel disconnected from my baby Written by Paula Bendon MSc PG Dip PG Cert MBPsS MBACP ACBS BSCH
Postnatal depression (PND) is a form of depression that can start anywhere from one to several months after giving birth and affects an estimated one in 10 new mothers. Common symptoms can include: • • • • •
Feeling unable to nurture, bond and connect with the baby Feeling inadequate or unable to cope and being unusually irritable Feeling guilty, ashamed and angry Experiencing overwhelming feelings of anxiety, depression and panic Suicidal thoughts
If you feel you may have PND, try to share this concern with supportive friends, family, and your GP. Many find help from a counsellor to be a useful and confidential way to look at overcoming PND. Counselling works by understanding your emotions and working through the fears and self-expectations of having a baby. Through learning to be kind and compassionate to yourself, and understanding how you, your baby and partner are feeling, you can start to address the PND, with the aim of bonding with your baby and enjoying motherhood. Read the full article on counselling-directory.org.uk
Your teeth don’t grind themselves, and no-one else is grinding them for you. Every part of your body is animated by your own consciousness. Sometimes you’re aware of the reason for animating your jaw and sometimes, as in the case of bruxism, you’re not. You could be fast asleep, in a state of unconsciousness, and have no idea as to why you were grinding your teeth or even that you were doing it at all. If you’re aware of the reason why you might be grinding your teeth, this reason is in your conscious mind. If you’re not aware of it, the reason could be in your subconscious. There’s a reason for everything, even if you don’t know what that might be. It’s hard to get to grips with something that’s intangible, and so bruxism sufferers usually resort to treating the symptoms rather than the cause of bruxism. Using a gum guard will work reasonably well until you forget to put it in. You only need to forget your gum guard once to risk damaging your teeth. A better alternative might be to discover the subconscious cause of the bruxism and to resolve the issue. To address the underlying issue, one needs to communicate with the subconscious mind, and the best way to do this is through hypnotherapy. A skilled hypnotherapist will be able to guide you into hypnosis, discover the cause of bruxism and resolve it. Read the full article on hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk
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True life | Ask the Experts
NUTRITION
I’ve just been diagnosed with endometriosis. How can diet help my symptoms? Written by Kirsty Williams, Nutritional Therapist
Endometriosis is a condition affecting 1.5 million women in the UK, where cells of the endometrium (womb lining) grow in different parts of the body. These “endometriotic implants” behave in the same manner as the endometrium and are susceptible to the same hormone messages. For example, a woman with endometriosis in her nose may experience nosebleeds at the same time as her period. Diet can have a significant effect on endometriosis. Here are some of the most important foods to include in your diet. Read the full article on nutritionist-resource.org.uk
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HEALTHY FATS A good balance of omega-3, 6 and 9 fats helps endometriosis sufferers balance their hormones and reduce inflammation. The best food sources are oily fish like salmon, and cold pressed oils such as olive and flax seed oil.
FIBRE Fibre helps expel unwanted substances from the body. Excess oestrogen is strongly associated with endometriosis. Aim to consume 30g of fibre a day in the form of whole grains, beans, and fruit and vegetables. Soluble fibre also reduces absorption.
IRON It’s important to raise iron levels to counteract iron lost through heavy periods. Iron-rich foods include dark green leafy vegetables such as cabbage, kale, broccoli, red meat or beetroot.
EASING THE PAIN Magnesium is essential for muscle relaxation and can help with muscle spasms, aches and pains. Try soaking in a bath of magnesium flakes or epsom salts, or rubbing a magnesium spray into the skin.
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TINNITUS
The constant ringing in my ears is unbearable Written by John Taylor, hypnotherapist and BWRT practitioner.
“Focusing on the ringing noise can seem to amplify the sound”
RETIREMENT
I’m retiring this year but the panic has started to set in! Written by Julie Crowley, qualified life coach, personal counsellor and NLP Practitioner.
Retirement can feel like a huge change for many career focused people where you’re used to being in a “full on” role, with demands on your time, energy and have a constantly focused mind. You may be concerned with how different it’ll be to have less external pressures, demands and structure to your time. You might feel anxious about changes to your routine, and how your relationships may be affected. You may be worried about what you’ll do all day, every day? Like other aspects of your career, coaching can help you master the transition into retirement, and assist with approaching the opportunities that will abound for you. It isn’t “the end of your career”, just a change of direction and reduced hours to suit your needs. Some people look to move into consultancy, or perhaps you’d enjoy a local role that helps fill the time and allows you to meet new people and provides new challenges. Retirement isn’t the end it used to be considered; it’s actually a new beginning of the life you want to lead and a chance to explore your dreams! Speaking to a life coach to develop a programme before you hand in your notice, and perhaps a couple of months after for the readjustment, can be really beneficial. Read the full article on lifecoach-directory.org.uk
Tinnitus is a condition characterised by sounds in the ear itself – ringing, buzzing, whistling – and can cause stress and anxiety for the sufferer. Tinnitus can be the result of injury, infection, age, or prolonged exposure to loud noise. People often won’t show signs of a medical problem. Since these cases have nothing for doctors or specialists to treat, the condition can be difficult to resolve, and there’s no known cure. When the brain picks up loud sounds, it triggers a “flight-orfight” response and our bodies may respond by increasing the level of stress hormones. Anxiety and stress are natural responses to this and can make tinnitus worse. Both brain working recursive therapy (BWRT) and hypnotherapy can be effective in dealing with the psychological aspects resulting from tinnitus. A sufferer will probably already know that focusing on the noise can seem to amplify it, while distractions help to ease the noise. Sufferers should consult a medical professional before commencing treatment to assess whether further medical attention is necessary. While it may not be possible to remove the tinnitus, hypnotherapy can act on a subconscious level to assist in the reduction of hypervigilance – the habit of looking out for the noise to reappear. Many people with tinnitus see it as a threat and are frustrated at the inability to fight it. Therapy can help to reframe our attitude towards the condition, allowing us to regain control over our feelings and perceptions, with the result being a reduction of the distress that often accompanies this condition. Read the full article on: hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk
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True Life | Final Thought
In A Perfect World... Our June cover from a parallel universe
happiful • June 2017
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happiful • June 2017