Happiful Issue 64

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DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING

Create your own sanctuary Paradise awaits as you discover a safe space just for you

ISSUE 64 £5.99

Are your lines being crossed?

We reveal the secrets to setting healthy boundaries

O

THE BIG 'O' On the hunt for pleasure equality

PLUS

The ULTIMATE mindset reset Shake up your perspective

• CAREER INSPO • GET GROUNDED • BODY LANGUAGE

It is never too late to be who you might have been GEORGE ELIOT Photography | Albert Vincent

2 | Issue XX | happiful.com

A little piece of paradise “If we could make our house a home, and then make it a sanctuary, I think we could truly find paradise on Earth.” – Alexandra Stoddard.

When I read this quote, I couldn’t help but think back to being a kid, and revelling in building blanket forts.

Mismatched quilts, various pillows ‘borrowed’ from any room that could spare them, and the dubious structural integrity meaning you might find the fabric roof resting on your head at any moment; it was thrilling, imperfect, and utterly personal. A cosy little cocoon to play, read, or daydream to your heart’s content.

Nowadays, it’s rare to take a walk through the woods without spotting a makeshift den. Remnants of a fun afternoon of adventure, which can set a little pang of longing in your heart to join the creativity.

Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge

As adults, we can take for granted the benefits that a safe space to call our own can bring.

Whether it’s a physical place to find some tranquillity, or a mental one to clear our minds of pressures, stresses, and endless to-do lists, we all deserve somewhere to switch off and find respite.

In this issue, we’re homing-in on how we can create our own bubble, mentally and physically, to give us a breather from daily woes.

It’s time to recapture that magic of our youth, and create a sanctuary to retreat from the chaos of the world.

Why not try our quiz on p44 to discover how to craft your own sweet escape?

It could be a kingdom of contentment as you reconnect with nature, like in our article on p53, or the comfort of retreating behind your own parametres of peace by setting healthy boundaries on p17.

Take a moment to consider your true needs. Knowing this little piece of paradise is there for you could be a great, untapped comfort in testing times.

You deserve to feel resilient, rejuvenated, and reborn. Your sanctuary awaits...

Happy reading,

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR

I | @happiful_magazine

An open mind 17 Toe the line

How to set your boundaries

35 The mindset reset

50

41 A safe place

The importance of personal sanctuaries, and how to find yours

62 Soothing sensations

Discover the cutting-edge science helping us to feel good

78 Mind your language Why the words we choose matter so much

Wellbeing

41

20 Get grounded

Try these practical tips

25 Are you overworking?

It might be time to slow things down

32 What is minority stress?

Find out more about the pressures faced by those in minority groups

38 Consent to vent

How to check-in before unloading

53 The great outdoors

Embrace its wellbeing perks

Food & health

28

45 Can you boost endorphins?

Try these five science-backed tips

46 Cracking snacks

Nutritious toppings for the staple nibble: a cracker

61 Perfect peach smoothie

35

Relationships

Positive pointers

14 What's the orgasm gap?

22 Travelling with toddlers

50 What new mums need

28 A natural energy boost

Could you be missing out?

How to be there when loved ones start a fresh life stage

53

56 Friends for life

How to improve the quality of your close connections

58 Love is love

Insight into the prejudice faced by the LGBTQIA+ community

83 Feel the love

Use this month's journaling pages to strengthen your bonds

Try this at home 16 Breathe easy 48 Take what you need 68 Body language 101

56

76 Ask yourself this

Questions to help you reconnect with your work

82 Nature walks

Culture 8 Good news

Uplifting stories to make you smile

20

13 The wellbeing wrap 30 Do something new 49 Good books

Grace Victory shares first-hand tips

65 Lottie Bedlow

The GBBO star on embracing taste over perfection

69 Grow-your-own revolution 73 Self-compassion secrets Could cutting comparison help us to see the bigger picture?

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Expert review Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

We live in an age where the pressure to socially engage has intensified, partly due to technology and the instant access people have to each other. This has made it even harder to manage personal boundaries. Head over to p17 for some great tips on how to maintain healthy boundaries in your life. It’s important you are in control and comfortable. The greater the fulfilment you have in a relationship, the more value you will find in it.

RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Our team

Expert Panel Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers

TABITHA BAST

ALANA LEGGETT

Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer

Msc PST

IAC AC

Grace Victory, Bhavna Raithatha | Columnists

Tabitha is a sex and relationship therapist.

Alana is a life coach dedicated to empowering women.

Lucy Donoughue | Head of Multimedia Ellen Lees | Head of Content Janette Owen | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead

JODI PILCHER GORDON

CRESSIDA ELIAS

MA FDSC MBACP

BA Hons IANLPC IAHT

Jodi is an integrative counsellor and wellbeing tutor.

Cressida is a nutritional consultant and hair mineral analysis practitioner.

Rosan Magar | Illustrator

COMMUNICATIONS

Alice Greedus | PR Manager

CONTRIBUTORS

Klaudia Mitura, Alessandra Vescio, Laura Caunter, Mahevash Shaikh, Jenna Farmer, Jodi Pilcher Gordon, Erica Crompton, Maxine Ali, Michelle Elman, Lottie Bedlow

SPECIAL THANKS

NATASHA CROWE

CHLOE SPARROW

Ad.Dip.Cp Dip.Hyp MHS MNCS

BA MA HCPC Reg BAAT

Natasha is a psychotherapist, counsellor, and coach.

Chloe is an art psychotherapist, therapist, and painter.

Tabitha Bast, Alana Leggett, Chloe Barry, Cressida Elias, Natasha Crowe, Sheri Werner, Keith Howitt

MANAGEMENT Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

SUBSCRIPTIONS For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

SHERI WERNER

SARAH GREEN

BA CNHC Reg. MFHT

MInstILM EMCC ANLP

CONTACT

Sarah is a person centred life and career development coach.

Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

Sheri is a Reiki practitioner, helping clients to relax and recharge.

HAPPIFUL FAMILY Helping you find the help you need.

Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

BHAVNA RAITHATHA

LAURA CAUNTER

BSc (Hons) MSc MBACP (Accred)

BA NLP ICF PCC

Bhavna is a psychotherapist, coach, supervisor, and trainer.

Laura is a mindset and success coach for women.

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Find help CRISIS SUPPORT If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org

Head to happiful. for more com se and supprvices ort

GENERAL LISTENING LINES SANEline SANEline offers support and information from 4.30pm–10.30pm: 0300 304 7000 Mind Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk Switchboard Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt

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SUPPORT FOR THE LGBTQIA+ COMMUNITY For advice, support, and information, visit lgbt.foundation or call 0345 3 30 30 30

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POSTPARTUM SUPPORT If you’re struggling with postpartum mental health, find help and a supportive community at pandasfoundation.org.uk

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DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING

Create your own sanctuary Paradise awaits as you discover a safe space just for you

Our two-for-one tree commitment is made of two parts. Firstly,

ISSUE 64 £5.99

we source all our paper from FSC® certified sources. The

Are your lines being crossed?

We reveal the secrets to setting healthy boundaries

O

THE BIG 'O' On the hunt for pleasure equality

PLUS

The ULTIMATE mindset reset

FSC® label guarantees that the trees harvested are replaced, or allowed to regenerate naturally. Secondly, we will ensure an additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a suitable donation to a forestry charity. Happiful is a brand of Memiah Limited. The opinions, views and values expressed in Happiful are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values. Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only. We work hard

Shake up your perspective

to achieve the highest possible editorial standards, however if

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• CAREER INSPO • GET GROUNDED • BODY LANGUAGE

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ENVIRONMENT

Living artwork reminds us to prioritise pollinators A new 55-metre-long living artwork is causing quite the buzz at the Eden Project in Cornwall. Dubbed the Pollinator Pathmaker, the piece is made up of 7,000 plants, all designed to welcome pollinators such as bees, wasps, beetles, and moths.

Pollinating food crops and helping plants reproduce and thrive, these tiny creatures are small yet mighty – but they’re also in decline. The aim of the artwork, created by artist Alexandra Daisy Ginsberg, is to 8 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

raise awareness of pollinators, their vital role in our ecosystem, and to prompt questions about who gardens are truly for.

“I am thrilled to be able to officially launch Pollinator Pathmaker,” Alexandra says. “It’s been wonderful to observe the first garden grow and begin to bloom over the winter at Eden, and to already be hosting so many pollinating visitors; bees, butterflies, beetles, and more. I’m also very excited to welcome our human visitors, who will be able

to enjoy the garden design and the variety of plants springing up, as they mature even further this summer.”

Keen to create your own Pollinator Pathmaker? Visit pollinator.art for a special algorithm that suggests planting schemes which are ‘empathetic’ to pollinating critters, so you can design and grow your own version (available to anyone in northern Europe). We have no doubt it’ll be the bee’s knees!

Writing | Kat Nicholls

Image | A bee and purple toadflax at Pollinator Pathamker, an Eden Project Edition Garden by Alexandra Daisy Ginsberg

The Uplift

SCIENCE

Eager to learn? New research shows a ‘substantially faster’ way of gaining knowledge If there was a way to supercharge your ability to learn, would you take it? According to a new study published in the Journal of Psychological Science, there may, in fact, be a way to ensure that we are more ‘ready to learn’ before we explicitly try to tackle something new.

Vladimir Sloutsky, study co-author and professor of psychology at Ohio State University, explains: “We often

observe new things out in the real world without a goal of learning about them. Simply being exposed to them makes an impression in our mind, and leads us to be ready to learn about them later.”

The study, which included five different experiments and 438 participants, showed similar results across each experiment, with the impact of real-world exposure noted. Sloutsky believes that this latest study is one of the few which

shows evidence of latent learning (our subconscious retaining information without us realising it until we later have the motivation or incentive to display it).

So next time you’re thinking about picking up a new language or trying your hand at a different hobby, try to get some real-world observation under your belt before you make the time to sit down and take your learning to the next level.

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

COMMUNITY

Photography | Chris Christodoulou

Theatre company shows there are no limits to what we can achieve While there are more than 14 million disabled people in the UK, many still feel excluded from society, as a survery by the charity Scope reveals that 32% of diasbled people still feel there is a lot of prejudice against them. But, there are people taking action to create opportunities and fighting for equality for those with disabilities.

When her job as an activity coordinator for adults with learning disabilities had its public funding cut, Elaine Ball, a qualified fitness instructor with a background in the arts, was concerned that the morale and wellbeing of her members would decline. She created the Wheely

Different Theatre Company – a creative outlet for adults with disabilities, designed to encourage them to live without limits.

What started as a 40-week project, has become an awardwinning theatre company with 50 members, performing shows including Dick Whittington in the Hood and The Snow Queen.

But, more than that, it’s a community where members can feel at home. Fundraising officer Samantha Leake said, “Before Wheely Different, I felt like an outsider looking in. Acceptance, extended family, a feeling of freedom, smiles, and support are all priceless to me.”

It’s clear that this company has given its members the confidence and courage to achieve what they thought was impossible, and helped to improve their physical and mental wellbeing.

And it’s true what they say: you can do anything when you put your mind to it. The Wheely Different Theatre Company is a shining example of exactly that!

Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird happiful.com | Issue 64 | 9

10 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

WORK

Employees clock on to the importance of mental health Scan any job listing these days and you’ll usually find a list of employee benefits, chosen to convince you that this company is where you want to be. The day off on your birthday, summer hours, and subsidised canteens are all tempting but, apparently, they don’t top the wish lists of job-seekers.

A study by Easy Offices looked at the most popular employee benefits, and found that companies that were taking the mental health of their employees seriously had a significant advantage over those that weren’t.

Virtual counselling topped the list of most popular benefits, followed by insurance to help cover the cost of mental health treatment, virtual support groups, tools to build mindfulness and resilience, and training on how to help others with mental health problems.

The study also tracked an increase in the number of companies embracing employee assistance programmes. That said, a recent YouGov poll found that only 57% of employees knew about benefits schemes at their work.

So, do you know what’s on the table at your organisation? With demand for wellbeing benefits rising, it’s safe to say that these kinds of perks are more than just a passing trend, and working on your mental health could be an inside job.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

happiful.com | Issue 64 | 11

How Sea did yo rc u sho h 'free do? p.ha b ies to fi nd t ppiful.c ' at he o and answe m mor rs, e!

Take 5

Test your puzzling prowess with this month’s brain-teasing challenges

Wordsearch

Eagle eyes at the ready – can you spot the following 10 words in the grid? Bonus points if you can identify the three words not in the list!

• Sanctuary • Peace • Love • Boundaries • Bond • Safe • Endorphins • Grounded • Time • Speak

H A E M I

T H P H B

E Y N P S N A C A O B V D T P A S D P U H B O Q E C A E P N E D R L A R F D

I

D

R N P A K C E N F A A E H B O N D U U R H V

I

T N F R O L

I

S A N C T U A R Y E F H S R R L

Anagrams

Unscramble the letters to reveal the secret words.

HINT: animals

CANAL PINFEATHER

ARBOR LEAP

SCOOT UP

EGO PIN

AKA DR VAR

TORTE

F G E S

Winds of change

The

wellbeing wrap Actress and activist Laverne Cox makes history as the model for Mattel’s first transgender Barbie

Dutch start-up Lightyear have developed the first solarpowered electric car, which it hopes to release this year

For the first time, all patients in a small clinical trial saw their cancer disappear! After taking dostarlimab for six months, all 12 colorectal cancer patients showed a 100% success rate, and were considered in remission after a year. Further testing is required, but it’s a promising breakthrough.

Memory boost

A study from East Anglia University, UK, suggests eating cranberries can improve memory, and help prevent dementia. Plus, cholesterol improved, and circulation of nutrients to the brain.

Food for thought...

Plastic-free paradise on the horizon

In some great eco news, it’s been reported that plastic waste on Australian beaches has reduced by 30% in the past six years. This rapid pace of positive change is due to initiatives by local councils, including extra bins, notices reminding people not to litter, and a hotline dedicated to reporting illegal waste dumping. This is a clear sign that we can all clear up our acts – and beaches.

Renters reform Ynyshir, in Wales, has been crowned the UK’s best restaurant, and is the first eatery outside of England to claim the award

To mark the 120th anniversary of the classic tale, Beatrix Potter’s Peter Rabbit features on a new, coloured £5 coin

We all deserve the chance to make our house a home, and now a new law looks set to support that. The government recently announced a policy to give tenants the legal right to own a pet, preventing landlords for putting blanket bans on animals. Property owners will need a ‘good reason’ to decline pet requests, and given the benefits of pets on our mental health, this seems like a wellbeing win for renters.

A Yorkshire-based business, Banana Moon, has released the world’s first ‘anxiety hoody’. Created with the intention to provide sensory relief to wearers, the hoody features chewable toggles, a fidget popper, and weighted pockets, helping to redirect anxious energy, and move you from fight-or-flight to rest mode.

A ‘fan’-tastic new park is being planned in Madrid, Spain, to tackle soaring summer temperatures. The urban park will be designed to create an ‘air conditioning effect’, reducing city temperatures by 4 degrees! Strategic landscaping will draw in cool air to the ‘wind garden’, and disperse to local streets. Going green has never been so cool.

In a true movie moment, 300+ people have joined forces to raise £100K, in an attempt to save Oxford’s oldest, and only, independent cinema from closure.

Something’s clicked Ever considered how you move your PC mouse, and what this says about you?

Probably not, but, surprisingly, researchers have found a link between our mouse actions and personality types. They discovered combinations of movements can indicate things, such as fewer unnecessary clicks, slower movement, and more pauses being a signal for agreeableness, conscientiousness, and openness.

Horsing around

In an incredible feat, 37-year-old trail runner Ricky Lightfoot has become only the third person ever to win the ‘Man v Horse’ 36K race! Taking place in Powys, Wales, Ricky beat 1,000 runners and 50 horses to the top spot, a full 2 minutes ahead of the first horse. The gruelling challenge, tackled so triumphantly, shows that we can all achieve what seems impossible, if we set our mnds to it.

Closing the orgasm gap When it comes to climaxing, why are heterosexual women drawing the short straw?

D

o you remember the last time you orgasmed during sex? According to research, if you’re a woman in a heterosexual relationship, this question may leave you scratching your head.

This is thanks to ‘the orgasm gap’ – a term that has been coined to describe the discrepancies in orgasms during sex.

Now, orgasms alone don’t define satisfying sex, but there’s no denying that orgasm for those with vaginas tends to be less prioritised. One study into the orgasm gap by the International Academy of Sex Research found that 95% of heterosexual men usually orgasm during sex compared to just 65% of heterosexual women. Other studies concur, with the gap widening during one-night stands compared to sex in a long-term relationship.

So, what’s happening here?

“The two main things to look at with the orgasm gap are what’s happening physically, and what’s happening contextually/ psychologically,” sex and relationship therapist Tabitha Bast explains. “Sex is often seen just as PIV (penis in vagina) sex in heterosexual encounters, which,

14 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

Writing | Kat Nicholls

for many women who need clitoral stimulation either directly or indirectly, literally doesn’t hit the spot. When we dismiss everything else as foreplay, we end up rushing through a whole smorgasbord of pleasure.”

With so many of us seeing penetration as the ‘main event’, we can easily dismiss other acts with potential for pleasure. This is a cultural issue, and we only have to look at mainstream media to notice it. When did you last see a sex scene where a person with a vagina climaxed outside of penetration? Recognising that sex can encompass a range of activites could be a big step forward.

Noting the numbers regarding orgasms during one-night stands, Tabitha says: “Orgasm is about the brain, not just the body! If you don’t trust the person you’re naked with, that’s a massive barrier to pleasure. Saying that, an end to violence against women and girls would be the most useful move for closing the orgasm gap: there needs to be enough safety for everyone to take fun risks together.”

There are certainly wider societal issues that need to be addressed, but is there anything we can do on an individual level?

“Women knowing about their own bodies is a good start, and men knowing about women’s bodies is a good second start,” says Tabitha.

Educating ourselves about anatomy, and the clitorus in particular, can help us understand what feels good for those who need this type of stimulation to orgasm.

Not sure where to start? We love Kama, an app with an inclusive approach to sex education that has pleasure at its heart.

Communication is another tool to utilise, according to Tabitha.

Not just about what feels good and what doesn’t, but being honest about how we’re feeling.

“If people are trying to fake being super cool and confident when they’re actually unsure and anxious, that’s not conducive to good sex,” Tabitha says.

“There’s an unhelpful myth that men should automatically know how to please their partners, and actually how one person orgasms is not the same as the next. The vast majority of people – whatever their gender – want their partners to have a good time, to be desired, and intimacy and connection, even in a one-night stand.”

So, if you’re not feeling sexually satisfied, an honest conversation

is a great first step. Taking the pressure off can also help, with Tabitha recommending we focus on pleasure more widely, without trying so hard to ‘finish’.

“Slow everything down and take turns sometimes, don’t always focus on mutuality,” Tabitha recommends. “Schedule time in bed naked together at least twice a week, to touch and talk; focus on an environment of closeness and opportunity, and playfulness.”

And if you’re going through a dry patch, you’re not alone.

But keeping that part of your relationship alive doesn’t have to be hard.

“Let your partner know you desire them as an invite, not a demand. If you keep a closeness and attraction always bubbling, it’s easier to get into actual sex – resentment and irritability are huge passion killers.

“Sex isn’t a performance; the idea an individual is ‘good in bed’ is super unhelpful. Sex is a conversation, a dynamic, it is the interplay, and the relationship between the paticipants.”

It’s easy for us to forget what sex is about at its core – connection.

Whether we’re connecting with ourselves or a partner, we deserve to feel seen and to feel pleasure.

Orgasm is about the brain, not just the body!

Tabitha Bast is a sex and relationship therapist. Find out more at counselling-directory.org.uk

Take a deep breath For a regular route to relaxation, try this diaphragmatic breathing exercise to help induce calm

1. Get comfortable, either lying down on your back, with your knees bent over a pillow, or sitting upright in a chair.

4. When you’re ready, breathe slowly through pursed lips.

2. Take one hand and place it flat against your chest. Then place your other hand flat against your stomach.

5. What you’re aiming for is that, with time, your chest won’t rise, and it’ll solely be your stomach moving as you breathe fully from your diaphragm.

3. Take slow, deep breaths in through your nose, keeping your hands in position and feeling the one on your stomach gently rise and fall with each breath.

Enjoy this for a few moments of focused mindfulness and connection to your body, with stress beginning to melt away.

16 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

an open mind

The ultimate guide to establishing healthy relationship boundaries Knowing what we’re willing to share, who has access to our inner circle, and when questions are crossing the line is one thing, but expressing it effectively is another. Here, we’re exploring how to set and maintain healthy boundaries

B

oundaries are how we teach the world to treat us. They are all about what is and isn’t acceptable, and draw the line between who we are, and who the world wants us to be.

Particularly when interacting with another human who has different priorities, needs, and desires, boundaries are crucial in order to not blend into each other, and to be able to separate what they want from what we need. When we are unable to do that, this is when codependency, enmeshment, and simple confusion can occur. We lose sight of who we are, and our own identity when our daily decisions are formed by what others are asking of us.

When we lack confidence, it is tempting to cave to everyone around us, as we might be insecure that if we don’t, we will lose the people in our lives. This is why the easiest and simplest

Writing | Michelle Elman

boundary, the one we first learn, is actually quite a hard word to say: no. When we are able to use our no accurately, our yes becomes more powerful.

Unfortunately, when we say no though, it can be inconvenient to others, and if you don’t stand behind your no, you leave yourself vulnerable to change your mind simply to make things easier for them. It can be really upsetting when people only want you around for what you can do for them, but, over time, you will reap the benefits of boundary setting. You will have more time and energy, you can say goodbye to burnout, and all the anger and resentment you are keeping inside you every time one of your boundaries is crossed can finally be relieved.

Here, we’re sharing some essential tips on how you can implement and maintain healthy boundaries in the three main relationship areas of your life.

FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS One of the biggest complaints I hear about family relationships is that family members feel entitled to their opinions about your life, your job, your romantic relationships, and your body.

How you can create a boundary around this is by limiting the information they have access to.

This can be by stating: “I’m not ready to share that with you yet, but I’ll let you know when I am ready.” If they don’t know, they can’t have an opinion about it.

But, what if it’s too late and they already know? Then try saying: “I have already made my decision, and your opinions are not needed. I would appreciate it if you could be supportive.”

When it comes to conversations about your body, I encourage you to be firmer. Your body should never be up for discussion at a family event, and we need to stop normalising everyone commenting on changes in >>> happiful.com | Issue 64 | 17

FRIENDSHIPS

WHEN WE ARE ABLE TO USE OUR N O A C C U R A T E L Y, OUR YES BECOMES MORE POWERFUL 18 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

our appearance. In those situations, I simply state: “Please stop commenting on my body.”

If this persists, I then say: “If you continue talking about my body, I am going to leave this conversation, and you can come find me when you are ready to talk about something else.”

In my book, The Joy of Being Selfish, I explain that it is OK to have different tiers of friendships. Friends are allowed to have different amounts of access to you, and some friends are allowed to be a higher priority than others.

Deciding who is your inner circle, and who sits slightly further out, allows you to put up boundaries and selectively choose who gets access to more vulnerable parts of you. This is not because some are better friends than others (although it can be!), but, instead, because the healthiest people have a whole support network. It is OK to have friends for different occasions.

Some are your friends you go to when you are crying, and some are your party friends, and we all need some of both.

The other issue that arises in friendships is that, as we age, our time becomes more in demand, and therefore we might not be able to go to every party or reply to every text instantly.

For invitations or events, it’s important your friends respect your first no, and trying to pressure a friend into attending is creating bad boundaries. You do not have to give a reason for declining; your no is enough. If someone continues to persist, then I reinforce the boundary by saying, “I already said no, and I need you to respect my decision.”

When it comes to texting, we need to stop measuring how much someone loves and cares about us based on how quickly they respond. This is where we have to understand that the world does not revolve around us, and their silence may not be personal. They could be going through something and, as their friend, they are owed a little benefit of the doubt. If it is upsetting you, communicate that rather than testing them.

Try a simple, “Hey! I miss you, haven’t heard from you in a while, and wanted to check if you are OK?” Give them the trust you would hope would be extended back to you when you get busy.

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS It’s important to remember that your partner is not literally your ‘other half’; you are not one person, and

DECIDING WHO IS YOUR INNER C I R C L E , A N D W H O S I T S S L I G H T LY F U R T H E R O U T, A L L O W S YO U T O P U T U P B O U N D A R I E S A N D S E L E C T I V E LY CHOOSE WHO GETS ACCESS TO MORE VULNERABLE PARTS OF YOU setting good boundaries is about maintaining your independence within a romantic relationship.

We all hate it when we have that person who dips in and out of our life depending on their relationship status, so don’t be that person. Having good boundaries means doing what you say you are going to do, and being reliable when you make plans, so no dipping out of your commitments with friends just because a date comes along.

When it comes to the early stages of dating, remember they are a stranger. You should not be putting them at the top of your priority list instantly.

Let the trust build slowly, and let them demonstrate via their behaviour that they are allowed more of your time and energy.

We sometimes think we can’t communicate boundaries early on because what if it scares them off? I say let them be scared off by boundaries. You want to set a precedent for boundaries and if you establish

the relationship without them, it’s a lot harder to put them in place when they have got used to you being a peoplepleaser (or worse, a pushover!).

If things end, whether it’s ghosting or otherwise, hold your boundaries by deleting their messages, phone number, and social media. You shouldn’t have to convince someone to want you, and by knowing your worth, you begin the healing process faster.

‘The Joy Of Being Selfish: Why you need boundaries and how to set them’ by Michelle Elman is available from all good book retailers (Welbeck, £8.99). Follow Michelle on Instagram @scarrednotscared happiful.com | Issue 64 | 19

How to get grounded When things get tough, bring yourself back to the moment with these tips Writing | Jodi Pilcher Gordon

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e all experience anxiety or stress at different points in our lives. It’s a normal and natural response to difficult times, and it can help us to take action when we need to. Sometimes, however, we can get stuck in anxious thoughts and feelings, to the point where it feels overwhelming. Grounding is an easy, practical set of techniques that I teach my clients, which can help to restore some balance to your day.

When we are anxious or stressed, our nervous system goes into ‘fight or flight’ mode.

Our ‘back brain’ (the amygdala and limbic system), takes over, and our bodies are flooded with hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. We might feel our heart rate increase, 20 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

Artwork | Charlotte Reynell

have repetitive thoughts, or general feelings of fear or anger. Grounding soothes our fraught nervous system and brings our prefrontal cortex, or ‘front brain’, back online so we return to the present moment, and are able to function.

So, how do you do it?

1. Breathe!

My absolute top tip for grounding is to concentrate on your breathing. It might sound obvious, but I teach people every day how to breathe properly, and the results can be amazing. The key is to focus on the exhale, not the inhale.

This lets your body know that it is safe, and brings calm quickly. Try a simple count, like inhaling for four seconds, and exhaling for seven, to

wellbeing

keep you focused. Also, be sure to inhale into your diaphragm.

The simplest way to do this is to imagine you are blowing up your belly like a balloon when you breathe in.

2. 5-4-3-2-1 sensing

This exercise is great for bringing your attention to your body, and helps you to feel more centred as you tune-in to the physical, and away from any difficult thoughts.

Start by saying five things you can see out loud. It might be objects in a room, or a detail about a blade of grass. Next, say out loud four things you can feel. Notice sensations such as your feet on the floor, or your hands on your knees. Pick up an object and feel it fully. Now say three things you can hear. Noises outside, inside, a ticking clock, your own breathing. Then two things you can smell, perhaps a waft through the window, or your own clothing. Finally, say out loud one thing you can taste. If you have a sweet or snack nearby, pop it in your mouth and savour it fully.

Finish by noticing how you feel, usually you can appreciate a sense of being ‘back in the room’.

3. Mind games

A great technique for bringing your ‘front brain’ back online is

to complete mental exercises.

These can also have the added bonus of distracting you from worrying thoughts and feelings.

My favourite one is to count backwards from 1,000. Other examples you could try are spelling the names of your family members backwards, counting all the things you can see in your room that are a certain colour, naming as many films, books, or countries as you can that begin with a certain letter, or picking an object and describing it mindfully using all of your senses.

Grounding soothes our fraught nervous system

allowing space and length into your spine. Balance your head, imagining it is suspended from a fine cord dangling down from the ceiling. Take a few breaths, and focus on your feet being grounded and connected to the floor.

Now, start to shake your wrists, letting them be loose and floppy.

Continue up into your elbows, letting your arms dangle at the same time. Continue to move the shaking up into your shoulders and your whole body. Just shake your body, letting everything go, perhaps rising on your heels and feeling the shake as you ground back down to the floor. You might also want to turn from side to side, whatever your body feels it needs to do is fine. Keep going for a few minutes at least. When you come to a stop, get back into the relaxed standing stance again and notice what changed, maybe a fizzing in the body, or a welcome sense of clarity.

4. Body shaking

Another one that’s great for tuning-in to the physical, this exercise is also helpful for releasing and relaxing muscles that have become tense due to a stressful day. Start by standing up straight, feet hip-distance apart, pelvis tucked in, and focus on

Jodi Pilcher Gordon is an integrative counsellor and wellbeing tutor. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 64 | 21

Travelling with toddlers We all could do with a good break, but holidaying with little ones can be a challenge in itself. So, if the thought of some time away with a toddler is leaving you stressed, our columnist Grace Victory is here to share some first-hand tips and relatable advice to help you enjoy making some magical memories together

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h, the sheer joy (and chaos) of going on holiday with your toddler. As a family, we just got back from our first sunny holiday to Turkey and, after not travelling for two years, it was bloody wonderful to put our toes in the sea, eat Lays with a Fanta on the balcony, and chase our little boy around a pool all day, because he’s a lightningspeed crawler!

Going on holiday with children is a completely different experience, and one that you have to embrace and surrender to. You won’t necessarily be able to sit on a lounger reading for hours, but making memories and showing them little corners of the world makes everything worthwhile.

Our trip was… intense! When people say “going on holiday is just parenting while being hot”, they are absolutely right.

My partner and I had to tagteam mealtimes, de-escalate mini meltdowns in front of other holiday-goers, and, yes, 22 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

Writing | Grace Victory

there were moments we felt embarrassed and as if everyone must think we’re bad parents.

Truth be told though, Cyprus found his voice on our holiday, and wanted to use it to shout at every opportunity – but that’s just kids, and while it can be hard when you feel like you can’t control a situation, it is absolutely normal for children to test your boundaries, even when you’re in paradise.

So, what I’m trying to say is going abroad with your little ones in tow is hard, but there are ways to manage, things I recommend for the plane, and little tips and tricks we did to minimise stress.

On the plane Take lots of games and things to keep your kids entertained.

Reusable sticker books, suction toys to stick on the window, their most loved book, and a tablet to watch their favourite shows (remember to download episodes at home so they can watch without WiFi).

I also recommend snacks upon snacks upon snacks. When you think you’ve packed enough snacks, pack more. I opted for crisps, cut up pieces of fruit, and then some trusty Ella’s Kitchen pouches. And we fed our little boy a proper meal before the flight to make sure he was full enough for the four hours we were in the air.

Use packing cubes for your hand luggage to separate changing stuff, feeding stuff, important documents etc., so you have easy access to things!

Don’t forget to pack spare outfits for both your kids and you in case any accidents occur. There is nothing worse than being covered in sick, and you haven’t packed a fresh pair of leggings.

On holiday It goes without saying that children shouldn’t be in the sun for long periods of time, so taking a UV pop-up tent with you is a great idea! You can use it next to the pool, on the beach, or on the grass. It’s a great way

@GRACEFVICTORY Grace and her son, Cyprus

It is absolutely normal for children to test your boundaries, even when you’re in paradise illness or problem. Things for teething, bites, sore throats, bad tummies, nappy rashes, and more! There is nothing worse than a poorly bubba, and failing to prepare for it! Boots online have an entire section for medical kids travel – utilise it, and thank me later.

General tips

for them to be in the shade and cool, and it’s a place they can also play and snack too!

A portable fan that clicks onto your pram is also a good idea to keep your little one cool. You can get these for a reasonable price on Amazon.

You can often buy pool toys at the hotel. We initially took a bunch of silicone toys with us as a more sustainable option, but actually while we were

there, Cyprus just wanted to play with the same toys as the other children, which is understandable. You can then leave them at reception or with the pool staff for other guests to use after you’ve left. This includes inflatables, and those water guns that should not be allowed, because I cannot tell you how many kids soaked me!

Take everything you could possibly need for every possible

Remember holidays with kids will be different to adult-only holidays. Take things day by day (or hour by hour if you need), and have little expectations.

Embrace the chaos, and try to enjoy making all of those wonderful memories.

Remember, the holiday is for the kids too, so let them eat ice cream, stay up later than usual, and have crisps for dinner. Let the fun commence.

Love Grace x happiful.com | Issue 64 | 23

When things change inside you, things change around you UNKNOWN Photography | Blake Guidry

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Signs you’re a workaholic (and what you can do about it)

Long hours, overtime, weekend side-hustles – is it possible to be too career driven? We share common signs of overworking, and how to create a healthier work-life balance

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Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

t’s hard to deny: we live in a culture where hard work is highly valued. People love to be seen to be pushing hard, putting in more and more hours, climbing their way up the career ladder, or making the leap to become their own boss.

Having a strong work ethic can, of course, be a positive thing. But when you forget to keep a healthy balance, you can risk all that time and effort going to waste. After all, what’s the point in pushing yourself to the top, if you aren’t able to enjoy it once you get there?

person who compulsively works excessively hard, long hours.

Beyond loving or being committed to your job, those who experience work addiction feel unable to detach themselves from work, and may experience severe guilt or stress at the thought of switching off.

While high-pressure environments, constant deadlines, and high stakes can result in a culture of overworking, anyone can cross the line from being a hard worker into being a workaholic, no matter what their job is.

What is a workaholic?

Studies have shown that work addiction is often linked with high levels of stress, anxiety, depression, and trouble sleeping.

While it’s not a clinical diagnosis, the phrase ‘workaholic’ is commonly used to describe a

What’s the impact?

Over a prolonged period of time, chronic stress can lead to physical health problems, including headaches and high blood pressure.

When considering the impact this can have on your home life, and career, accredited life and career coach Alana Leggett says, “Excess in any area of your life is a bad idea. In holistic coaching, we strive for balance in all areas. Work, particularly, can be a stressful environment, and that’s why it’s important to have downtime,” Alana says. “In fact, excessive stress and lack of rest can lead to increases in cortisol (the stress hormone), which can affect your health, your immune system, and sleep.” >>> happiful.com | Issue 64 | 25

You cannot show up as the best version of yourself if you are not nourishing that version Now we know the impact, what are the signs we should be looking for, to understand if our relationship with work has become unhealthy?

Signs you might be a workaholic

• You find yourself working more than you had planned.

This could be regularly working overtime, skipping lunch breaks, and starting early or finishing late.

• Your health is impacted by work. You may experience stress, lack of sleep, or headaches.

• You try to think of new ways you can free up more time for work, instead of ways to reduce your workload.

• You use work as a way of coping with uncomfortable feelings, which could include guilt, anxiety, depression, or helplessness.

• Hobbies, exercise, or spending time relaxing are no longer a priority. You spend free time thinking about work, instead of living in the moment and giving yourself a moment to relax.

• You can’t remember the last time you took a break from work-related calls or messages.

• Your schedule leaves you no time for friends, family, or romantic relationships.

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• You feel unable to ‘switch off’ during evenings and weekends, or feel like taking a holiday is impossible.

• Getting or staying asleep is difficult, or you regularly experience poor quality sleep.

• You forget about other issues in your life as work is your top priority.

• You find yourself thinking about work all the time. You simply can’t switch off.

• You feel uneasy, guilty, or sick when you aren’t able to work.

• Friends, family, or colleagues have expressed they are worried about you, or think you should cut back on your work, hours, or responsibilities.

• You struggle to know yourself outside of your job.

Is work-life balance the real key to getting ahead?

As with all great things in life, balance is key. But if you love what you do, does it matter if others call you a workaholic?

If you’re neglecting other areas of your life, it could be time to redress the balance.

Alana explains, “If you love what you do (congrats if so!), then you probably want to give it your best effort, ideas, energy, and attention, because you are genuinely passionate about it.

“You cannot show up as the best version of yourself if you are not nourishing that version, and to do so, you need a proper work-life balance – rest, moving your body, good nutrition, social time, and downtime. These things tend to be the first to go when work takes over and, ironically, they all contribute to a version of you who will be able to show up with more energy, perform better, and have some of your best ideas.”

Having a positive work-life balance can help us to build more meaningful relationships, relax, and de-stress. When you forget to look after all of the parts of your life, you risk pushing yourself towards exhaustion, and even burnout, which, in the long-term, could negatively impact your life as a whole, including the work you love.

How to stop being a workaholic

1. Admit you might have an issue. The first step towards change is admitting you might have a problem.

2. Take time for reflection.

Are there any reasons why you feel compelled to work so much? Writing down how work makes you feel – and

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how not working makes you feel – could help you to identify some of the underlying issues that need to be addressed.

enjoyable, enriching, or meaningful to you. Boundaries can help remind you that there is life outside of work.

3. Set goals. What is it you are missing from your life? What do you hope to achieve by finding a better work-life balance? Visualising where you want to be in one, three, or five years isn’t just a valuable tool for your career, it can help you with your personal life, too.

5. Speak out. This could involve opening up with friends, family, or colleagues to talk about how you’re feeling, pressures you are under, or changes you want to make. Working with a professional can provide a safe, judgement-free environment to help you open up, recognise and challenge unhealthy coping mechanisms, and move towards a healthier work-life balance.

4. Define your boundaries.

This can help you to begin taking back time for you. It could mean no work emails after 5pm, leaving your phone turned off each weekend, or committing to a class once a week to help you switch off and engage in something

How coaching can help Working with a coach can help you find new ways of balancing work, life, and everything in between. Alana explains, “In

any area of holistic coaching, we look to empower clients to become more aware of their patterns, so they can build practical routines and habits that promote balance and wellbeing.

Having the right habits in place, and the accountability, supports real change and allows anyone to make progress toward their goal, in a balanced and far more enjoyable way!”

Alana Leggett is an accredited life and career coach empowering women.

To find out more about coaching for a healthier work-life balance, visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 64 | 27

Ask the experts

How can I boost my energy naturally?

Reiki practitioner Sheri Werner answers your questions on energy and burnout Read more about Sheri Werner on Therapy Directory.

Q

If I’m feeling low on energy, how can I give myself a natural boost?

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Moving your body in whatever way feels accessible and enjoyable to you will activate energy. Whether it’s a quick stretching sequence, some gardening, a kitchen

Q

Burnout is becoming more and more common. Are there any ways we can overcome it, holistically?

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The multifaceted nature of burnout requires an approach to prevention or recovery that considers the whole person. Working with, not against, your natural energy flow is key.

dance to your favourite song, or a swim, run, or team sport, your whole system will benefit from movement.

Going out for a walk is especially beneficial, because as well as being a load-bearing exercise, it is non-competitive, suitable for all levels of fitness, provides some vitamin D, and exposes us to the

calming effects of the natural world. There are many ‘walk and talk’ groups around the UK that help us to connect to our communities, too! Activities that incorporate mindful movement, breathwork, and meditation can be especially supportive of optimal energy flow – think yoga or Tai Chi.

If you have bursts of energy, followed by periods where you need to rest and reflect, pushing on through day after day may leave you feeling depleted.

Your energy cycles may follow a daily, weekly, monthly, or annual pattern (and there may be cycles within cycles). Once you’ve tracked when you naturally have less energy, you can make changes and set boundaries for your wellbeing.

Identifying your current values, and checking that you’re expending precious energy on people and activities that really matter to you, can help you live a purposeful life and defend against burnout.

A relaxation or meditation practice that you attend to daily can also be useful to combat unhelpful thoughts and beliefs that drive perfectionistic behaviour, too.

Therapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

Sheri’s top tips for improving energy: 1. Get the basics right – nutrition, hydration, exercise, and sleep.

GPs, social prescribing, and wellbeing services provide free courses, advice, and workshops to help.

Q How can alternative and complementary therapies support our zest for life?

A

A holistic therapy session is usually focused on bringing the body and mind back into a state of alignment, empowering us to make healthy choices that support our goals and relationships. It is consciously carved-out time to attend to our self-care, enabling us to switch off and relax. The body and mind can return to a more balanced state, conducive to physical,

emotional and mental processing and recovery.

As therapists are generally able to conduct hour-long appointments, there is no sense of being rushed, so the session can feel very nurturing and calming.

Often, talking things through with a compassionate listener who is trained to consider your holistic wellbeing will help you arrive at new solutions that support your physical, mental, and emotional health. Taking this opportunity to rest, reset, and return to your own place of inner balance and wisdom can assist you in staying energetic and motivated.

2. Slow down and introduce a reflective practice into your routine to help you feel more calm, present, and aware of your holistic needs. Try listening to a piece of relaxing music, colouring, journaling, or cloud/ people/bird watching for five minutes. Consider introducing a short mindful breathing exercise and build it up, eventually aiming for 20 minutes of mindfulness or meditation in the morning and evening.

3. Try a complementary therapy that specifically works with energy flow, such as yoga, Reiki, sound therapy, or acupuncture.

Experiment with different appointment times in tune with your energy levels. For example, some of my clients choose to come for Reiki in the morning as they find it energising, whereas others prefer an evening appointment to help them prepare for sleep.

happiful.com | Issue 64 | 29

Happiful recommends

From a moving documentary to a new challenge, and an app that will improve your communication, try something fresh with our insightful suggestions Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

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PAGE-TURNERS I didn’t do the thing today

by Madeleine Dore In a society of goal-setters, it can feel like you’re always playing the catch-up game to try to be as productive as your friends and colleagues, but author Madeleine Dore tells us why it’s OK not to achieve everything on your to-do list, and instead encourages us to embrace the unpredictability of life.

(Murdoch Books, £12.99)

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ACT OF KINDNESS

Post a Sue Ryder sympathy card to a loved one No one should have to go through the grieving process alone, but sometimes it can be difficult to find the right words. As part of a bereavement campaign, the Sue Ryder charity has launched a limited-edition pack of four beautifully designed postcards that you can send to someone on their grieving journey. Order your free pack online, and have it delivered to your door. (Visit sueryder.org for more)

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LEND US YOUR EARS

‘Table Manners’ Mother and daughter duo Jessie and Lennie Ware invite celebrity guests, from Michael Bublé to David Schwimmer, to talk about all things food, family, and more. The down-toearth nature of the podcast really makes you feel like you’re part of a family conversation around your own dining table. Listen to it today, and don’t forget to bring your table manners! (Available on all podcast platforms)

OUT AND ABOUT

Nature walk bingo Bingo doesn’t just have to be reserved for community halls; why not incorporate it into your daily walk for a fun way to keep you active and connected to nature? Being present in the moment and trying to spot what’s around you will allow you to see things that might have usually passed you by. You might be surprised with what you see when you open your mind to it…

(Turn to p82 to try Happiful’s own nature bingo on your next walk) 30 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

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PLUGGED-IN

It’s Lennie Lennie is the digital best friend you didn’t know you needed in your life – until now!

The endearing, animated blob is a TikTok creator that shares wholesome content to support one mission: to help people get through the day. Life can be challenging, but Lennie is there to reassure you that it’s all OK, with gentle reminders and heart-warming videos. (Follow @itslennie on TikTok and Instagram)

culture

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LESSON LEARNED

Try the downshifting challenge As the cost of living increases, money saving expert Martin Lewis is encouraging everyone to try the ‘downshift challenge’, which involves dropping down a brand level in your weekly food shops.

With expert advice on recognising promotional language, and having the understanding of various levels of brands, you can cut your food bill drastically, without compromising on taste.

(Visit moneysavingexpert.com to find out more)

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SQUARE EYES

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TECH TIP-OFFS

Paired Whether you want to improve communication within your relationship, or you just want to get to know your partner better, this #1 relationship app has it all! Designed by relationship experts and academics, the app uses daily prompts and fun quizzes to initiate meaningful conversations with your partner, and encourage a deeper connection. (Available on the App Store)

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GET GOING

parkrun As we step into warmer days, parkruns are the go-to way to get active. But these runs offer much more than just a 5K lap around the park. Whether you’re running to beat a personal best, or running with a group of friends for a bit of fun, parkruns are an example of bringing the community together through fitness.

(Visit parkrun.org.uk for more)

Joe Wicks: Facing My Childhood Seeing your loved one go through challenging times can be hard, especially for a child. Fitness instructor Joe Wicks bares all in his emotionally raw documentary about facing the ups and downs of his childhood with his parents and their mental health struggles. His mission is with connect to other families who are going through similar difficulties. (Available on BBC iPlayer)

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TREAT YOURSELF

Tabitha Webb Iridescent fragrance If you’re looking for a perfume to brighten up your day, fashion designer Tabitha Webb has exactly what you need. In collaboration with Superdrug, the fragrance was designed as part of the ‘Colour’ collection to raise funds for Great Ormond Street Hospital. The beautiful fragrance is packed with complementing scents such as mandarin and salted vanilla. (£25, Superdrug)

WIN! WIN FASHION DESIGNER TABITHA WEBB’S ‘IRIDESCENT’ FRAGRANCE For your chance to win a 50ml bottle, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com Which is the most common pulse point on the body for applying perfume? a) On your knee b) On your wrist c) In your hair *Competition closes 31 August 2022. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only.

Good luck! T&Cs apply. happiful.com | Issue 64 | 31

Minority stress What is it, and how does it affect the diverse groups within the LGBTQIA+ community?

Writing | Alessandra Vescio

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alking about mental health is never easy, but it seems harder to break the stigma when it comes to LGBTQIA+ people.

As the artist and writer Alok Vaid-Menon wrote in their blog article “Impossibility of gender non-conforming life”, there are so many words to describe the physical violence that happens to the LGBTQIA+ community every day, but many fewer words, and less attention, on the psychological aspect of being queer.

It’s only relatively recently that organisations and researchers have focused on the wellbeing of the LGBTQIA+ community,

32 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

publishing reports that reveal shocking and alarming data.

For example, NHS Digital’s first report on the health behaviours of lesbian, gay, and bisexual adults was only published in 2021, and showed that LGB adults have worse mental health, and poorer health outcomes, than

heterosexual people, and are more likely to indulge in harmful behaviours, such as drinking or smoking at levels that may put them at risk.

According to a report published

by Stonewall and YouGov in 2018, 52% of LGBTQIA+ British people said they had experienced

wellbeing

depression in the previous year, 46% of transgender people had thought about taking their own life, and 41% of non-binary people had harmed themselves.

Further 2019 research by the organisations revealed that bi people reported experiencing depression even more than gay and lesbian people.

The researchers say this is due to the environment and the society we live in, where not only physical and psychological abuse against the LGBTQIA+ community happens every day, but also the threat and fear of discrimination itself can have a significant impact on mental health. This phenomenon is called ‘minority stress’.

What is minority stress?

Dr Sara Colognesi, a psychologist and psychotherapist, explains: “Several social and psychological theoretical orientations describe the concept of minority stress as a relationship between minority and dominant values, and the resultant conflict with the social environment experienced by minority group members.”

She continues: “This theory suggests that sexual minority health disparities can be explained in large part by stressors induced by a homophobic and hostile culture,

which often results in a lifetime of harassment, maltreatment, and discrimination, and may ultimately impact access to care.”

Coined by Dr Winn Kelly Brooks, and mentioned for the first time in her book Minority Stress and

lead to the development of disorders commonly associated with chronic stress, depression, and PTSD symptoms.”

The consequences of this include, for example, that queer people are more likely to use

LGBTQIA+ people may live at the intersection of more than one marginalised identity, so they might experience chronic stress in several areas of their lives Lesbian Women in 1981, minority stress theory has been studied by many researchers over the years. For example, psychiatric epidemiologist Professor Ilan H Meyer explained in 2007 how stigma and fear of discrimination may generate psychological distress in queer people.

As Dr Colognesi explains: “The most common manifestations of suffering from minority stress are experiences of prejudice and microaggressions, expectations of rejection, hiding, concealing, internalised homophobia, hypervigilance, and experience of chronic shame, and this may

and abuse drugs and alcohol, and tend to avoid treatment and seek healthcare for fear of discrimination.

“We also need to remember that LGBTQIA+ people may live in the intersection of more than one marginalised identity – such as race, disability, or fat people – so they might experience chronic stress, with different nuances, in several areas of their lives.”

Minority stress and coming out We live in a society that assumes that all human beings are heterosexual, that their gender always matches with their sex, >>> happiful.com | Issue 64 | 33

that there are only two sexes and two genders, and that everyone is sexually and romantically attracted to other people, even though it has been proved many times that the reality is more complex than this.

But if no one around you explains, or shows to you, that heteronormativity (the concept that heterosexuality is the preferred or normal mode of sexual orientation), gender, allonormativity (all humans experience sexual attraction to other people) and amatonormativity (all humans pursue love or romance, especially by means of a monogamous long-term relationship) are social constructs and not a requirement, it can be really hard to listen, discover, and love yourself, especially if you are very young.

Living in an environment where queer people are ridiculed, belittled, silenced, abused, and hated, can cause denial, fear, shame, and guilt, and experiencing the feeling of being forced to hide your own identity can generate mental health disorders.

Many queer people still cannot live authentically because they live or work in an unsafe environment and, in this regard, some research has revealed alarming figures.

For instance, 25% of transgender people in 2018 in the UK said that they had experienced homelessness at some point in their lives; gay and lesbian people are less likely to be invited to a job interview if they have conveyed their sexual orientation while sharing previous expericing working for, or volunteering with, an LGBTQIA+ organisation; and 34 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

11% of LGBTQIA+ people faced domestic abuse from a partner in 2017, with the highest rates reached among ethnic minorities and disabled people.

In addition, 35% of LGBTQIA+ people have hidden or disguised their gender identity or sexual orientation because of the fear of discrimination, while bi people are more likely to not come out to friends and family for fear of prejudice.

What we need to do Dr Colognesi says: “Our society should follow the guidelines of the World Health Organization, which clearly state that human beings present a natural variance in sexual and relational orientations and gender identity, and guarantee that every citizen has the same rights.

“Governments should also provide correct information, and

sexual and affective education in all school grades, including teaching staff and families, as well as updating the curricula of health-related university faculties, so that LGBTQIA+ people can access health services without having to fear invalidation, discrimination, and medical gaslighting. And all those useless and harmful practices such as ‘conversion therapies’ should be outlawed,” she says.

As we fight for a more equal society, it is also vital to validate our emotions and seek help when needed. Many LGBTQIA+ specific organisations offer support to queer people, giving them professional advice, organising events, or simply showing a willingness to listen.

Often, just talking, feeling loved and part of a community, can be of great help.

an open mind

The ultimate mindset reset If you were told that you have the capability to achieve anything you want, would you accept it, or would you begin to think about all of the things that would get in your way? It’s time to end all that negativity. Here, we set out seven steps to help create unstoppable success from within Writing | Laura Caunter

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our mind doesn’t know the difference between positive and negative thoughts. If you tell yourself you’re stupid or not good enough, guess what? Your mind will believe you. That one thought will seep into your subconscious, and every time something doesn’t go to plan you will say: “See? I knew I couldn’t do this.”

You reaffirm what you believe is true, and it becomes a selffulfilling prophecy. But it’s time to put a stop to this self-sabotage; here are seven steps to help you completely reset your brain when you need it to step into your true greatness!

1. CHANGE YOUR PERSONAL PRECONCEPTIONS Your personal preconceptions are made up of two layers: past experiences that have affected you before; and the core beliefs those experiences have created within you.

The past experiences will have had either a positive or negative effect on the way you perceive yourself. This will lead to the beliefs and core values (the current set of rules that you are living your life by) which have created your boundaries, fears, and doubts.

Think about any memorable moments that have had a negative

effect on you, and what limiting beliefs you are holding on to as a direct result of them.

2. REWRITING YOUR PAST

According to a study by Dr Julia Shaw, a psychological scientist at University College London, 50% of your memories have been distorted. This shows that our brains cannot tell the difference between true or false memories, which subsequently can lead to us changing the past and accepting things as you see them now, not necessarily how they actually were.

When you think back to a memory that was a negative >>> happiful.com | Issue 64 | 35

experience for you, ask yourself these two questions: what did I learn from that experience? How has it made me stronger?

Reflecting on these questions allows your mind to seek positivity. Release any pain, forgive openly, and fuel yourself with the strength those experiences have already given you.

3. START CREATING THE NEW YOU

Your values are a list of things that are important to you in your life. Examples of these could be kindness, honesty, loyalty, compassion, and ambition. Jot down what values you’d like to have, without any limitations.

Your core beliefs are a set of rules you have about yourself, and how you want to live your life. Categories could include happiness, wealth, success, and family. Your core beliefs are the things that you hold important. Write down what you’d like your core beliefs to be, without any limitations.

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an open mind

“ The support you have in your life creates the foundations of your growth. Fill your life with people who motivate you, push you, and help you thrive”

4. QUIT THE NEGATIVE SELF-TALK

When a negative thought enters your head, you have the power to change it into a positive thought, which will then completely alter your perception of the world.

I picture any negative comments in my head as a passing cloud that is floating by. I allow it to pass without attaching emotion, and reinforce positivity by telling myself three positive things. This cancels out the negative and changes the lens through which I am viewing my world. Give this a try when a negative thought next pops into your head.

It’s in the moment when you become aware of your thoughts that you can learn to take back control, and push yourself towards positivity. Jot down any recurring negative thoughts you may have, so you can bring awareness to your self-talk and regain control using the previous exercise.

5. MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF When you make time for yourself, your whole world changes. Why? Because your mind has the time to heal and overcome anything that has happened (or is happening),

and think about what you want to happen next. This allows you to reflect, to learn, to grow, to challenge yourself, to believe, and plan your future. Jot down how much time you can commit to, and how often you can create that time within your day.

In step six of the Mindset Reset, we’re going to look at introducing new habits, and this will include more time to work on yourself, for yourself, by yourself.

6. DAILY HABITS

When you implement new habits and commit to them, they can transform your life. Here are four areas to focus on to help you: • First-thing thoughts. What are you excited about? What do you love about your life?

Fill your mind with positivity before getting out of bed in the morning.

• Conscious thinking. According to a recent study in the journal Science, we spend 46.9% of our day on autopilot, so let’s become more conscious of the present.

Take in your surroundings, use your senses to be in the moment, and give your all to whatever it is that you are focusing on.

• Daily ‘you time’. Commit to small pockets of ‘you time’ each day.

This could be standing outside for five minutes, listening to some calming music, or practising deep breathing.

• Night-time gratefulness. What are you thankful for? What can you celebrate about the day? Fill your head with gratitude just before you go to sleep.

7. YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM

The support you have in your life creates the foundations of your growth. Fill your life with people who motivate you, push you, and help you thrive. Note down who brings out the best in you. Think about the people who you always feel good around.

As suggested by motivational speaker Jim Rohn, the person you are equates to the five people you spend the most time with, so choose your inner circle wisely – and make time for the people who help you prosper.

Personal development is a lifelong journey. The great news?

You can reset anytime, as many times as you need! This journey is one you will be on for life. The steps get easier to implement, and the negativity will become less as your positivity grows and your confidence shines through.

Laura Caunter is a mindset and success coach for women. To find out more, visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 64 | 37

How to get emotional consent to vent

Before you unload onto a friend or loved one, consider these five things Writing | Mahevash Shaikh

A

s a mental health blogger who often listens to people vent, I wish more people checked in with me first. Because, even though I encourage those with mental health struggles to reach out, there are times when I am emotionally unavailable. When 38 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

I’m overwhelmed by my own issues, I cannot help anyone else – and this is something that many of us will be familiar with.

Talking about your problems with a troubled confidante may not always give you the insight or advice you’re looking for, but it will almost certainly add to their mental burden. So, here are some

simple, organic ways to ask your go-to listener for their emotional consent before you vent.

1. Ask them how they are Before you offload your worries onto someone, it is essential to know if they are in a reasonably alright physical and mental state.

When you vent as soon as you

wellbeing

begin your conversation, you do not give your listener the option to say no if they need to.

According to psychologist Tania Diaz, ‘emotional consent’ is the act of responsibly asking for permission to share an emotionally charged experience with another individual. In accordance with that, it is crucial to enquire about their wellbeing before you do so.

may not have recovered from past injuries. They may be still recovering from their emotional wounds. One can hold space for someone only when they have the emotional capacity to do so. Not giving a warning to your ventee can be considered short-sighted, irresponsible, and selfish. Done repeatedly, it can strain your relationship.”

2. Keep it simple Once you know that they are indeed fine, it’s time to ask for emotional consent. If you are worried about doing it without sounding awkward, don’t worry.

Tania says: “It is not what you say that influences the tone of the dialogue, but how you say it.

Using your own words will help you keep it simple and authentic.

For example, ‘Hey do you have a moment for me to run something by you; I’m sort of in a funk. If not now, let me know when it’s a good time to talk.’ See? You don’t have to use any jargon. While it may feel strange to ask for permission, your loved one will feel respected. Over time, it will feel more natural and help to build a healthy relationship.”

3. Use trigger warnings After they have consented to a conversation, give the listener an idea of the subject of your problem(s). Tania believes that this is important not only for the listener, but also for you.

She explains: “A trigger warning is imperative, as your friend

‘Emotional consent’ is the act of responsibly asking for permission to share an emotionally charged experience 4. Exercise discretion and respect boundaries Even after getting consent, use your judgment. For example, if the listener has recently ended a longterm relationship and the venter wants relationship advice, should you approach them in the first place? Would it be better to vent to someone else? Another thing to keep in mind is boundaries.

Even if you have a green flag to talk about what is on your mind, respect boundaries. If you aren’t sure of what they are, ask without hesitation. Make sure you know your own boundaries, too, so you

can be firm if, for example, your ventee asks something you don’t want to discuss.

5. Try not to ‘trauma dump’ When you talk at length about multiple issues in your life – issues for which you don’t have emotional consent – it might be called ‘trauma dumping’.

Tania explains why this can be unhealthy.

“Venting is the opportunity to express your thoughts and feelings in a healthy prosocial manner,” Tania says. “There is an amount of insight and compassion for the person on the receiving end. While there may be a theme to the emotional discharge by the ventee, the person venting is mindful of how they may have contributed to the experience.

“In the case of trauma dumping, there is less awareness, greater impulsivity, and limited capacity to see any other perspective but their own. The ventee’s lens is restricted, making it difficult to appreciate the impact of highly charged statements on the recipient. Due to this, the recipient is left feeling drained and potentially emotionally charged.”

Venting to loved ones is fine, because it involves smaller, everyday problems; trauma dumping isn’t because it involves bigger, deep-rooted problems. If you need to do the latter, the best course of action is to consult a therapist, who will be willing and able to handle it. happiful.com | Issue 64 | 39

Peace begins with a smile MOTHER TERESA

40 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

Photography | Kenzie Kraft

an open mind

Shelter from the storm It’s time to create your own personal sanctuary Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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n 2021, researchers from the University of Oxford had a breakthrough. The culmination of 15 years of research and clinical practice, they trialed a new way of treating patients with psychosis: The Feeling Safe Programme.

Working on the basis that fear can exacerbate persecutory delusions and lead to behaviour that isolates and ostracises people, the programme helps people develop new memories of safety – and it works. The trial found that the Feeling Safe Programme was the most effective treatment for persecutory delusions, rising above other treatments, such as befriending and CBT. And it makes sense. The desire to feel safe and sheltered has been around since the first caveman headed into the rocks, and today that right to shelter is set in stone under Article 25 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

For many, ‘shelter’ is more than just four walls, and the places

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

that give us that sense of safety don’t just protect us from the elements, they take us away from everyday stresses, pressures to perform, angst, noise, and daily demands. More than just a shelter, spaces become a ‘sanctuary’.

Our own personal sanctuaries will look and feel completely different, they might be within four walls, or they might have none at all. But for all their many shapes and sizes, they each have one thing in common, and that’s the way they make us feel.

Chloe’s treehouse was essentially a few planks of woods nestled between two conifer trees in the back garden of her family home, yet it still felt incredibly significant – crucially, she says, because the climb up the tree was a little too awkward for ‘big people’.

Higher ground “I am a big fan of treehouses, from the most basic attempts by the youngest of hands to the fullon, flashy, luxury kind,” Chloe Barry, an art psychotherapist and nature-inspired therapist, shares as she reflects on the sanctuary she had as a child. “Even though the treehouse of my youth was very basic, it was my refuge, a little place accommodated by nature that held me protectively within its branches.”

The Treehouse Art Studio

“The treehouse offered me the ultimate sanctuary, which was an opportunity to be alone without feeling alone,” Chloe says. “I feel like a treehouse is perfectly poised to hold this ambiguous >>> happiful.com | Issue 64 | 41

need of mine in balance, as it feels like you enter another world where the human humdrum is quietened, yet the sounds of nature are there for you.”

These days, Chloe has taken what she learnt about environments that feel safe and welcoming, and created the Treehouse Art Studio – a beautiful treehouse, built by her husband, designed to host art therapy sessions. As she sees it, the space is a vital part of what makes those sessions so impactful.

You enter another world where the human humdrum is quietened “In some ways, simply moving from ground level to treetop level has a subtle psychological impact, in that it implies a shift toward new ways of understanding ourselves,” she says. “It also helps that the treehouse art studio is nestled between a lovely sweet chestnut tree on one side and an oak tree on the other, while other trees nearby all add to that sense of retreating into nature.”

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Chloe’s treehouse studio is a working example of the ways in which the space we’re in can inspire calm, but also creativity.

Though, of course, a treehouse is just one of many ways to capture this atmosphere…

A moment of your time “I’m very aware that ‘sanctuary’ might look different for each of us, as our understanding or need for it will be unique to our individual backgrounds,” Chloe explains. She shares how now, as a busy mum, her sense of sanctuary often involves taking time for herself. To achieve this, she doesn’t always need to be in a physical sanctuary – it can be created more subtly by enjoying a cup of tea in bed before the children wake up.

“In the past, sanctuary meant feeling safe and finding a physical space that I could value and feel valued within,” she adds.

“I wonder if that is part of the beauty of a sanctuary; it is what we need it to be, and that may change over time.”

What feels good and right for each of us will look completely different from one person to the next. In fact, a ‘sanctuary’ doesn’t have a ‘look’ – it doesn’t have to be styled according to the rules of interior design though, of course, it can be if that’s what you need. It

might be a room, or just a corner, in your home that is filled with all the things that you love or which spark joy. It could be a garden full of plants that bloom after you nurture them. It might be a public beauty spot you can stop to pause at, soaking in the environment around you. Or it might be none of those things, and instead be the five minutes you’ve put a boundary around so that you can breathe deeply before jumping into the rest of your day.

More and more, many of us are finding ourselves in need of a retreat from the busy world that we’re in. Bad news, work pressure, the demand to give more of ourselves to our daily responsibilities – it all adds up. Whether it be a space you can move to, or a mindset you can tune-into, a sanctuary is somewhere where we can be safe and secure. And we all deserve that.

Chloe Sparrow is an art psychotherapist, nature-inspired therapist, and painter. For more, visit counselling-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | Issue 64 | 43

Find your sanctuary Need some help pinning down exactly what you need from your sanctuary? Try our quiz: 1. When you’re overwhelmed, you crave…

A. Getting outside B. Some alone-time C. Clearing your mind D. A distraction E. Curling up on the sofa 2. Others might describe you as…

A. Free spirited B. Glamorous C. Calm D. Energetic E. Welcoming 3. When it comes to other people being around when you’re trying to relax, you…

A. Don’t mind them being there B. Need to be alone C. Can tune them out if needed D. Probably won’t notice them E. Enjoy relaxing with others 4. On your days off, you tend to…

A. Head out into the wild for an adventure B. Have a pamper session C. Carve out time for something mindful D. Pick up your latest project E. Busy yourself around the house 5. You want to leave your sanctuary feeling…

A. Refreshed B. Soothed C. Level-headed D. Energised E. Secure 44 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

ANSWERS: Mostly As An aromatic garden Being out in nature is important to you, and it quickly soothes your mind. You’re in-tune with your senses, and so you pick up on the aromatic qualities of scents. Try collecting plants such as lavender and mint, and help them to blossom in a garden, balcony, or windowsill. You can also explore public gardens, taking in their beauty as you ramble.

Mostly Bs A candlelit bath or shower For you, there’s nothing quite as relaxing as being in water. Set the scene with some flickering candles, add some bubbles to a bath or open a sensuous shower gel, slip into the warm water, and feel your worries wash away.

Mostly Cs A meditation session When it comes to finding your sanctuary, it’s not so much about where you are, but what you’re doing. Finding an inner sense of peace is easy for you, and you’re able to leave the outside world, and all its stress, behind when you do so. Whether it’s a quick five-minute session, or a longer break in the evening to let go of the tension you’ve picked up throughout the day, meditation can be your sanctuary.

Mostly Ds Immersive hobbies You’ve got a wonderful energy that spurs you forward through life, and you can channel that into something to help you unwind and feel a sense of order and safety. This is where your hobbies come in. It could be crafting, cooking, or reading – whatever it is, it’s something that takes focus, leaving you with no choice but to retreat from the outside world.

Mostly Es A cosy corner at home You’re a home-body at heart, and there’s nothing like stepping over the threshold to take the load off the day. Your home is an expression of you, and it’s filled with the things that you love, and which spark fond memories. Very few real homes look like show homes, but try to keep your space orderly enough that you aren’t tempted to take up chores when you’re trying to switch off.

5 science-back ed ways to

boost endorp ins h Lift your mood with these proven positive pointers Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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group of hormones that have a number of physiological functions, endorphins are responsible for triggering positive feelings in the body, as well as being the body’s natural painkillers.

There are many ways that we can trigger the release of endorphins, and we’ve rounded up five sciencebacked tips:

Laughter

When we laugh, we take in a load of oxygen-rich air, which stimulates our hearts, lungs, and muscles, and, in turn, triggers the release of endorphins into the body. So, this is your sign to put on a comedy, or spend some time with that person who tickles your funny bone. But remember, our brain can’t tell the difference between fake and real laughter, which is why ‘laughter yoga’ is a popular option. Head to laughteryoga.org for free sessions.

Spicy food

Rationally, we shouldn’t really enjoy eating spicy food, should we? The burning sensation isn’t objectively pleasant, but scientists think they understand why we persevere, and it’s all to do with endorphins.

Scientists believe that, when we eat spicy food, our body is fooled into thinking that we are hurting ourselves. Cue the endorphins.

Sex

During sex, the pituitury glad is activated, leading to the release of endorphins, as well as fellow hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, which come together to reduce pain, and boost intimacy and bonding. What’s more, several areas of the brain that are responsible for pain are also active during orgasm.

Why? We’re not quite sure, but the endorphin effect can help to explain why some sexual activities that might not be so appealing usually – such as hair-pulling and bites – have a whole different effect during sex.

Acupuncture

Acupuncture is the traditional Chinese practice where the therapist inserts fine needles into the skin at certain points on the body (called ‘acupoints’).

Acupuncture is often said to help with pain relief and relaxation, and can you guess which brain chemical is involved with that

feeling? You got it, endorphins.

Most studies into the long-lasting effect of acupuncture have been relatively small, and the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence only recommends it for specific complaints – but it is sometimes available on the NHS.

Dancing

Most forms of exercise are a reliable way to boost your endorphin levels, but there’s something special about dancing.

In a study, researchers from the University of York and Sheffield had participants choose to either sit and listen to music, exercise on a stationary bike, or dance for five minutes. What they found was that dance releases more endorphins than typical aerobic movement – plus, it also comes with a whole host of other emotional releases that other forms of exercise don’t. Is it time to turn up the tunes? happiful.com | Issue 64 | 45

Superfood crackers A quick and easy snack that works with a variety of toppings Writing | Cressida Elias

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his superfood cracker is not only packed full of nutrients, but one that is delicious and versatile – it can be eaten with almost anything! Whether you fancy dipping it in homemade hummus, layered with your favourite cheese, or topped with nut butter and fruits, this will be a new picnic and party essential. It can also be baked with rosemary, garlic, or other herbs, to really adapt to your own personal flavour preferences. Dip in!

Ingredients: • 2 tbsp blue or purple corn flour • 4 tbsp almond flour • 1 tbsp ground flaxseed • 1 tbsp chia seeds • Approx half a cup of water • Pinch of salt Optional extras: rosemary, garlic, or your choice of herbs or spices.

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Method: • Preheat the oven to 180oC or gas mark 4.

• Add the dry ingredients and combine in a large mixing bowl.

• Add some of the water to make a semi-thick liquid. Set aside for 5 minutes to thicken.

• Meanwhile, line a baking tray with parchment.

• Once the mixture has thickened (you should be able to pour it – add a splash of water if it’s become too thick), pour the mixture onto the tray, tilting gently from each corner so that it is evenly spread.

• Place the tray in the oven, reducing the heat to 160 degrees. Bake for 45 minutes, or until crispy.

• Remove from the oven and allow to cool.

• Once cool, break into pieces and place in a bowl. Serve with spreads or dips of your choice.

food & health

The healthy bit Blue or purple corn flour is low in carbohydrates, and is highly nutritious. It is packed with flavonoids, a class of compounds found in plants with antioxidant effects, helping to repair and maintain our cells.

Almonds are high in vitamin E, fibre, magnesium, potassium, riboflavin, and phosphorus, and they are rich in unsaturated fats which help to slow down the uptake of glucose. They are also a good source of protein, helping to keep blood sugar stable.

Flaxseeds are a great addition to nutrientdense crackers. They are super high in omega-3 fatty acids, namely ALA (alpha-linolenic acid). ALA is promoted as protecting against cardiovascular disease, improving asthma control, having anti-inflammatory effects, and building healthier bones. They also contain lignans, which are a type of phytoestrogen, part of a group of compounds that help reduce the risk of osteoporosis, heart disease, and breast cancer. Plus, ALAs have antioxidant properties; they are a source of soluble fibre which can help lower cholesterol and stabilise blood sugar and are a source of protein and potassium.

Chia seeds are another ‘superfood’ rich in minerals, fibre, and anti-inflammatory properties. Chia seeds can also help improve the gut microbiome.

At Hair Analysis UK, we use hair mineral testing to guide our nutritional balancing protocols. We typically recommend blue and purple corn as part of a healthy diet, and by adding in high fibre, low carb and high protein ingredients, many clients can manage their blood sugar levels which goes a long way to healing symptoms that are both physical and emotional.

Cressida Elias is a nutritional consultant and hair mineral analysis practitioner.

Find more on her profile at nutritionist-resource.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 64 | 47

Take what you need Our needs and wants can change day to day, and sometimes even hour to hour. Take a moment to check-in with yourself, how you’re really feeling, and consider what you most need right now

•A hug

•Comfort

•Courage •Insp irat ion •Rest

Compassion A moment of peace

48 | Issue XX | happiful.com

•Forgiveness •Perspective •self-love

Happiful reads...

From mastering the art of energy to navigating the path to financial zen, we share four unmissable books Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

E

nergy is something we were all born with, yet it’s something we find so difficult to articulate and manage.

A revelation from an unfulfilling job that was causing Simon Alexander Ong to burn out gave him the courage to resign, and use his energy for the goal that was most important to him: his health. Now, the awardwinning life coach and personal

Energize by Simon Alexander Ong Out now

development entrepreneur wants to share his lessons, so that you can be the master of your own energy.

In this transformative book, discover how to channel your energy more efficiently to go from ‘energy poverty to energy abundance’. Packed with

practical tips and client stories, you’ll learn how to successfully implement energy into all aspects of your life, discover the importance of setting boundaries to protect your energy, and much more.

Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide To Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab Out now Implementing boundaries can be tough, but important for our wellbeing.

In Nedra Tawwab’s insightful guide, the bestselling author and relationship therapist provides us with the tools to instigate boundaries and communicate our needs effectively.

The Love Square

by Laura Jane Williams Out now We’ve all heard of a love triangle, but have you ever heard of a love square?!

A 30-year-old successful cafe owner, usually unlucky in love, finds herself entangled in exactly that as three charming men fall at her feet. Spoilt for choice, will Penny Bridge find what she was looking for?

Book covers | Amazon.co.uk

Must reads The Little Book of Zen Money by The Seven Dollar Millionaire Out now As the cost of living increases, so do our money worries – but it doesn’t have to be this way. Written by The Seven Dollar Millionaire himself, Michael Gilmore, this book offers tips, mindfulness exercises, and expert guidance on how to turn your money woes into financial peace of mind.

happiful.com | Issue 64 | 49

8 ways to support new mums

While the arrival of a new baby is a time for celebration, it can also be stressful for new mums – whether that’s due to running on lack of sleep, difficulties with feeding, or just adjusting to life being responsible for a brand new human. Here we’re sharing practical tips you might not have thought of to support a new parent in your life Writing | Jenna Farmer

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avigating life with a new baby can be tricky for many; research has shown that lots of mums don’t feel either informed or supported in the postpartum stage of their life, whether that’s with mental health support, or even household jobs.

Many guests bring lovely gifts to spoil the newborn, but can neglect to consider what parents actually need help with. So, if your friend or family member is soon to be welcoming a child into the world, here are some practical ways you can show them some support.

1. Work with them to find the best time to visit

While there’s nothing quite as precious as a cuddle with a newborn, ensure you find a time to visit that works for the parents. Don’t try to guess when they’ll be up for visitors; some mums might not feel recovered enough to accommodate guests in the early weeks, while others 50 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

might be keen to have company as soon as they’re home from hospital.

Dropping them a message to congratulate them and enquire when they’d be up for a visit is a great idea. And remember, even if you’re in the area, don’t just pop by unannounced – nobody wants to be responsible for waking a sleeping baby!

2. Offer practical help when you arrive

Some mums might just want a chat over a cuppa, but do offer practical help where you can (and make sure you brew up yourself rather than expecting the new parents to serve it). Try not to create additional work with your visit, and instead provide an extra pair of hands – some mums might be happy to hand over their baby for a cuddle so they can have a hot shower, while others might prefer to stay closer. If that’s the case, offer to make them lunch or do the washing up while

they’re busy feeding. Before you’re due to drop by, it can be worth asking if they need anything grabbing from the shops to save them making a trip as well.

These small jobs can make a real difference. “New mums will prioritise the baby’s needs over their own, so making sure she is eating and drinking enough is really important,” says Natasha Crowe, a psychotherapist who specialises in fertility, motherhood, and perinatal support.

3. Ask about mum

Pregnancy can be such a joyous time for mums-to-be, but the postpartum period that follows can bring new mum’s back to earth with a bit of a bump! With so much fussing over baby, mum’s needs are often missed – yet the ‘baby blues’ are very common in the first few weeks, with symptoms including feeling irritable, emotional for no reason, or anxious, so don’t forget to offer a listening ear to any new mums.

relationships

“Mums can often feel quite isolated, lonely, and disconnected,” says Natasha, who is also co-founder of Postnatal Connections, a not-for-profit organisation supporting new mums in Hertfordshire.

Remember, you can talk about other topics, too – some mums can feel that all they do is talk about the baby, so chatting

about your favourite show or your latest holiday might be a welcome distraction.

4. Home-cooked meals are always welcome

Don’t feel as though you need to spend a fortune on congratulatory gifts – homemade presents are just as valued. One of the best examples is home-cooked grub.

If you want to offer practical help, then top of the list would be easy-tocook, nutritious food for the first couple of months “If you want to offer practical help, then top of the list would be easy-to-cook, nutritious food for the first couple of months. By batch cooking and pre-preparing meals that are really convenient >>> happiful.com | Issue 64 | 51

and quick, as neither parent is going to have much time or energy to cook, and it’s vital that mum eats well,” says Natasha.

5. Don’t expect to have constant contact

Those first few months are a big adjustment, so don’t fret if your messages go unread or plans change; some days mum and baby might be up for getting out the house, while other days getting out of their PJs is too much of a battle. The key is to be as accommodating as possible.

“Offer help – practical help first – and don’t be offended if you don’t hear back immediately.

The early days and weeks are all about adjusting to a new life with a baby. It comes with so many challenges, both highs and lows,” adds Natasha.

6. Don’t try to give unsolicited advice

One of the most overwhelming aspects of being a new mum is suddenly having to make all kinds of decisions, from helping your baby sleep to feeding, or even what to dress them in. Much of this is about mums finding their own path that works for them and their baby, but that doesn’t always stop others giving advice that’s not asked for.

We all parent differently, so it can be tempting if you have children of your own to assume you know best, but be gentle as sometimes motherhood can feel a very judgemental place. Avoid 52 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

asking questions that might make mums feel they’re not doing a good job, such as “Are they not sleeping through yet?”

“Listening and supporting without judgement, or giving unwarranted advice, is probably the most important element to practical support,” says Natasha.

“Supporting someone with their choices without judgement can really help to build a mum’s confidence, and lessen anxiety.”

So next time a mum asks you, “Am I doing it right?” give lots of encouragement for her to find her own way, rather than imposing your way of doing things on her.

7. Support other members of the family, too

For family units larger than three, parents often fret about neglecting older children, or even their fluffy companions, when a baby comes along. If mum prefers to stay with the baby, you could offer to help lighten the load with other members of their family – could you take the dog for a walk, or offer to take their older child or children to the park for an hour?

Listening and supporting without judgement, or giving unwarranted advice, is probably the most important element to practical support not the way you would (or do) parent, respecting their wishes is paramount.

We hope these tips have given you some ideas for supporting a new mum in your life. While the transitional period of life with a baby can be hard for any parents, offering plenty of practical support, checking in before you visit, and being mindful of mum – rather than just baby – can go a long way.

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in perinatal mental health, and gut health. She has Crohn’s disease, and blogs at abalancedbelly.co.uk

8. Respect any rules

And, finally, remember to respect any rules in place around your visit. This can be as simple as asking if they’re comfortable with you holding the baby before doing so, or offering to sanitise your hands before getting up close. Remember that even if it’s

Natasha Crowe is a psychotherapist, counsellor, and coach. Find out more at counselling-directory.org.uk

wellbeing

Countdown to contentment

According to a 2019 study, spending at least 120 minutes a week in nature is associated with good health and wellbeing. So, we’re rounding up some of the most joyful and unusual ways to pass the time outdoors Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

“

N

ature is fuel for the soul,” Richard Ryan, professor of psychology at the University of Rochester, said.

In Professor Ryan’s study, published in the Journal of Environmental Psychology, 537 college students were split into five separate experiments. In one, the students were taken on a 15-minute walk either through indoor hallways or along a treelined riverside path. In another, they looked at photos of buildings or landscapes. And in the last, they were asked to imagine themselves in active and sedentary situations, both inside and outside, and with others and without.

When the results of the study were in, the students reported that their energy and vitality levels

were lifted by being outside, or even just from imagining that they were, and the researchers came to a conclusion: that being in nature makes people feel more alive.

And to get more specific, a separate study, published in Scientific Reports, revealed that 120 minutes per week is the optimal amount of time to spend in nature if you’re looking to improve your health and wellbeing. So, all there’s left to do now is to decide what to do with the time you’re given – and we have some ideas…

Add a quick two-step into your walk

Walking and dancing: two things that have been shown time and time again to improve our mood and our wellbeing. But add them

both together? Now you’re talking. A 2012 study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General found that walkers who moved fluidly, and waved their arms in a sort of improvised dance, generated more ideas than those who walked normally. Breaking out of our usual patterns of behaviour is shown to help us think more creatively, making this a great tool for blowing away brain fog.

It doesn’t have to be a full-on moonwalk – a hop, skip, or spin here and there, or even just moving your arms rhythmically could do the trick. Not brave enough to go at it alone? Bring a friend along, or the whole family, and you’ll soon leave any selfconscious feelings behind. >>> happiful.com | Issue 64 | 53

Quick-fire round • Put out feed and watch the birds • Offer to do gardening for an elderly neighbour • Visit an ancient forest and look up • Learn how to forage • Find a hill and fly a kite • Follow a breathing exercise in the fresh air • Try an outdoor workout • Write and post a letter • Create window boxes and hanging baskets to display outside • Go on a litter-picking walk • Visit a park • Walk instead of driving where possible • Dip your toes in a clean, safe stream • Try cloud-watching • Pull-on some welly boots and go for a muddy walk • Buy a plant identification book, and see what you can find • Visit somewhere meaningful to you • Do a yoga routine outdoors • Track down street art • Host a scavenger hunt • Eat your breakfast outside • Make a bug hotel • Go for a bike ride • Sketch what you can see • Read your favourite magazine *ahem* outside

54 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

wellbeing

Feel the ground beneath your feet

Here’s a fact you might not have been expecting to read: feet have nearly twice as many nerve endings as penises (more than 7,000 in each foot, compared to 4,000, in case you were wondering). For this reason, feeling the ground beneath your bare feet invites intense and fascinating sensations.

Soft soil and dewy grass, warm, cool, tickly, smooth – there is so much to experience. And all these experiences come together to ground us in the moment, forcing us to connect with the environment and the body that we’re in.

Look for big, bushy lavender plants, sprawling mint, and perfect roses Find and create natural aromatherapy spots

Aromatherapy uses plant extracts and essential oils for a number of wellbeing purposes. Certain scents might soothe anxiety, others might help boost your energy levels or clear your mind. You can, of course, buy aromatherapy oils in bottles, but you can also go and find these evocative scents out in nature. Look for big, bushy

lavender plants, sprawling mint, and perfect roses. And if you’re looking to put your green fingers to use by introducing some wellness into your garden, patio, balcony, or windowsill, look into the plant qualities associated with different scents, and create your own sensory space.

Get out in the rain

One thing that’ll often dampen your enthusiasm for getting outdoors is bad weather, but there are some good reasons why you shouldn’t let a bit of rain spoil your plans. Firstly, when you go out for rainy walks you’ll likely be breathing in cleaner air. A 2015 study published in the journal Atmospheric Chemistry and Physics found that rain droplets attract air pollution particles, cleaning up the air around you.

Speaking of what’s in the air – are you a petrichor connoisseur?

Petrichor is the ‘smell of rain’ people often talk about picking up on. It’s that rich, sweet, fresh scent that is created when compounds from plant oils in the soil mix with the rain, and are released into the air. The scent is hailed as a mood booster – you can even buy candles that try to mimic its smell, but there’s no replacement for the real thing, so grab your raincoat and head on out.

Make a meal of it

Picnics are thought to have gained in popularity among the 18th century French aristocracy and they spread around the globe after the French revolution. Back then, picnics were associated with intellectual refinement

– but, luckily, these days the pressure’s off to be the quickest wit on the blanket. A study from Warburtons, in celebration of national picnic week, traced how the contents of our picnic baskets have evolved over the past 10 decades, starting with traditional cuts of meat and chilled soufflé to hummus, quinoa, and even sushi.

Of course, packing your favourite food and heading off to a beautiful vantage point is all you really need to reap the benefits of this outdoor pursuit, but if you want to take things up a notch, consider packing foods that are known to boost brain function, such as leafy greens, oily fish, nuts, and berries.

Bring a friend along

In Illinois, USA, Frances Kuo, co-founder of the HumanEnvironment Research Laboratory uncovered a link between proximity to nature and lower crime rates and a lower rate of general aggression. Digging a bit deeper, Frances found that it wasn’t purely the presence of trees that was having this effect, but that living in a place with more trees created environments where neighbours spent more time hanging out outdoors, talking to each other, and connecting. You might not be about to commit a crime, but there are still benefits to be drawn from taking time to connect with neighbours and those in your community while you’re out and about. These small connections can soon begin to flourish, and what may have started as a friendly wave hello, could lead to a regular walking partner in no time. happiful.com | Issue 64 | 55

How to improve the quality of your friendships What do you think would make you describe your life as satisfying and successful? According to research, it’s the quality of your friendships more than anything else…

Writing | Klaudia Mitura

R

obin Dunbar, professor of evolutionary psychology at the University of Oxford, and author of Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationship, makes it clear: friendships are vital to our happiness and longevity.

The single best predictor of our psychological health, wellbeing, physical health, and even how long we live, is the number and the quality of close friends that we have. The same conclusions were drawn by researchers in the longest study on happiness, which followed 268 men over 75 years of their lives. Men with warm, social relationships and friendships considered their lives successful and lived longer, were wealthier, and had more satisfying marriages. However, this was only true if the social relationships they had were of high quality.

With this striking evidence in mind, improve the quality of your friendships with three easy hacks.

56 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

1. Make room in your busy schedule to spend time with your friends

Friendships are so vital to our wellbeing, happiness, and longevity because of the effect that friends have on our body.

“The things you do with friends, whether it be laughter, singing or eating together, triggers the endorphin system in the brain,” explains Professor Dunbar. “This, in turn, supports the immune system, destroying viruses and some cancer cells. So, the things that might cause you serious discomfort or serious illness are either eliminated or reduced.

And, therefore, you live longer.”

Importantly, this effect on our body is the strongest when we are physically with our friends.

Social media and phones are useful devices for maintaining friendships, as they remind our friends that we keep thinking about them. However, as Professor Dunar stresses, “Nothing really substitutes being

able to sit across the table and stare into the whites of the eyes of the other person, and reach out and give them a hug or a pat on the shoulder. These are the things that really kick in the endorphin system”.

That is why making time in your busy schedule to actually see your friends in person is the key to harvesting the wellbeing outcomes of friendships.

2. Find precious moments and stories to share with your friends

When spending time with your friends, concentrate on sharing stories and precious moments, as these bring us together and build further connections. Storytelling and sharing experiences also contribute to the release of endorphins in the brain that makes you feel bonded to the particular person you are doing the selected activity with.

Also, as friends tend to be very similar to us, concentrating on

relationships

the things we have in common is shown to strengthen our bond.

“There are ‘scene pillars’ of friendships, and the more of those dimensions you share with somebody, the stronger the relationship is,” explains Professor Dunbar. These are your gender, personality, education, ethnicity, interests, moral views, and music taste. That’s right: sharing the same musical tastes is the best predictor of whether you think a complete stranger will become your friend. No wonder dancing and singing with friends is a key bonding activity that’s often on our agenda.

3. Appreciate your ‘shoulder to cry on’ type of friends

Obviously, not all relationships go smoothly in our life all the time.

It turns out that the best measure of the quality of friendship is simply the number of people you can call on in emergencies.

“When your life falls apart, a limited number of people are going to drop everything to help you out,” says Professor Dunbar.

As we have limited time, there are limits to the number of people that we can afford to invest a lot of time with, and on average that is about five friends. The best way to care for ‘shoulder to cry on’ friends, is to express once in a while how much they mean to you by directly sharing your gratitude, doing something nice for them, offering a helping hand, and spending some bonding time with them. happiful.com | Issue 64 | 57

Love is love:

Bhavna Raithatha

BSc (Hons) MSc MBACP (Accred)

Bhavna is an international psychotherapist, coach, critical incidence debriefer, supervisor, and speaker who has worked with more than 17K clients in the past 25 years.

Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk

L

ove is love. Loving and being loved are the most basic of needs in any organism.

Poets tell us that to love is the goal of human existence, and to be loved is the greatest treasure of the heart. And yet, for some like me, who are part of the global LGBTQIA+ community, loving whom we choose could be a death sentence.

Despite advances in LGBTQIA+ rights through Stonewall’s first riot to the Pride marches across the globe, loving someone of the same sex can mean death in many parts of the world. Only in June, during our Queen’s Jubilee, the representative of Her Majesty in Indonesia was called to account over why there was a Pride flag flying at the British

58 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

understanding the prejudice against and struggles of the LGBTQIA+ community With all the advances in the world, one thing that remains a constant battle is the fight to live as our authentic selves.

Here, columnist Bhavna shares the terrible reality for many members of the LGBTQIA+ community, and implores us to stand with them to fight for everyone’s right to love, with pride

Embassy. This is timely proof that there are still many countries around the world where there is a price to pay for love.

We hear of young couples being reported to authorities, sometimes by their own families, because they are gay and love each other. Why? We hear of two young women in India, in their early 20s, hounded by their families because they have chosen to be in a loving relationship, and abducted by their families to force them apart, having to go to court to fight for their right to be together. Why? We hear of corrective rapes in South Africa, and other parts of the world, to ‘teach’ LGBTQIA+ people a lesson. Why?

We hear of trans siblings of the LGBTQIA+ family being harassed and murdered, transwomen being assaulted and murdered, because they found the courage to be who they are.

We hear of high rates of suicides in the LGBTQIA+ community, because of the stigma of being gay. Why? We hear of people choosing to enter heterosexual marriage and betray themselves to keep family happy, and take the target off their backs. This raises many other questions. We can’t hide what we feel – I know, I was in the closet for 32 years of my life until it became unbearable to live the lie, and I had to come out before it killed me. I will never get those three decades of my life back.

EXPERT COLUMN

One of the excuses I read and hear repeatedly about why being LGBTQIA+ could be a death sentence for some is that it is against ‘their’ religion. Yet, despite my study of religious literature over decades, the main lesson I’ve taken from all religions has been love, forbearance, and peace. The final commandment of Jesus was to ‘Love one another as I have loved you.’

The Office for National Statistics found that 1.9 million people in the UK (3.1% of the population) identify as LGB, whereas those identifying as trans number 1%, according to Stonewall.

The National LGBT Survey carried out in 2017 found that LGBT respondents are less satisfied with

life compared with the general UK population. Furthermore, more than 66% stated concern about holding hands in public for fear of reprisals. The report stated that at least two in five people had experienced verbal harassment or physical assault as a result of their sexuality. It further stated that at least 2% had undergone conversion therapy in an attempt to ‘cure’ them of being LGBT. A further 24% of responders had sought mental health support in the 12 months of the survey. These statistics are not surprising, considering people’s views towards the community.

This is the same report by the government that stated ‘none of this is acceptable’, and went ahead to publish their LGBT Action

Plan, and yet still refuses to ban conversion therapy for people identifying as trans.

I have worked with many clients that have identified as LGBTQIA+ over the years, and who have struggled with their sexuality. I’ve had therapy myself to overcome my struggle with my sexuality, and end a marriage. We have been the lucky ones to have found the strength and courage to seek help.

But what about those who felt that they had no choice but to take their own lives to stop the horrific pain?

There are two cousins in my own family who took their own lives.

The taboo against being LGBTQIA+ is great in the Asian and African cultures and countries where being gay is still illegal.

Many families from ethnic minorities blame being LGBTQIA+ as a Western fad, and yet this community has been around for thousands of years, and in some cultures such as the First Nations Tribes in the USA, it was respected and revered as Twin-Spirit people.

Despite the need for a lot of work still to be done to make people understand that we are born this way, and no amount of beatings, abuse, or conversion ‘therapies’ can change this fact, I am pleased to see more specially trained therapists like myself offer support with issues that face the LGBTQIA+ community. I am encouraged that more people are choosing to live their truth and be authentic, but we still have a very long way to go, as long as prejudice still exists.

If you have an LGBTQIA+ person in your life, love them, and support them. They are precious, too.

Happy Pride, love is love. happiful.com | Issue 64 | 59

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Peachy keen

The perfect summer smoothie recipe to bring some sunshine to your day

R

efreshing, thirstquenching, and bringing a burst of summer fun to your tongue, this recipe is super quick and easy to make, with some great nutritional value!

Note: we recommend using frozen fruit, which will last longer, give you a thicker, creamier texture, and also means the fruits are prepared and ready to go immediately. This is particularly handy with peaches, which would need to be peeled if using fresh!

Ingredients: • • • • • •

Frozen peaches Frozen banana Orange juice ½ a cup of non-fat Greek yogurt Dash of honey A few drops of vanilla extract

Method:

• Add all the ingredients to a blender. You can vary the

amounts depending on your personal taste, and preference with the consistency, so enjoy experimenting! More orange juice will make it thinner, and more fruit will help it to be thicker and creamier.

• Blend everything together until smooth.

• Pour into a glass to serve, and enjoy! happiful.com | Issue 64 | 61

Picture perfect Scientists have found that merely viewing images of beautiful landscapes or cuddly animals can induce a sense of tranquillity in these troubled times.

Welcome to Project Soothe… and here’s how you can take part Writing | Erica Crompton

P

erhaps it’s daybreak, as the sun rises over a rolling, verdant landscape. It could be the afternoon, as a cat cuddles a soft, white toy and sleeps peacefully in bed. Or maybe it’s evening, and the sun sets over a mountain, green trees framing a pinky-purple ocean.

These tranquil scenes are among the most soothing photographs taken by ordinary people, designed to relax and calm. Today, scientists at Project Soothe, a research website of super-soothing images like these, say that “landscapes, water features, trees and flowers, animals, and skies” all induce a sense of ease and calm.

Project Soothe is a global citizen-science project based at the University of Reading. “Our goal is to collect soothing images by you and me, to help people self-soothe,” says Professor Stella Chan, who founded the project in 2015.

Professor Chan was working with patients with brain injuries when she discovered that

62 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

imagery can calm and quieten patients. She says she found that not everyone could “imagine” their own picture in their mind’s eye. So, she decided to gather photographic images for the patients to view and self-calm.

It works, too. I spent an hour looking at photos of my two cats and a roaring fireplace: things I love dearly and like to spend time with after a day at work. I felt happy and warm inside after viewing them. The pastel pink colour of one cat’s ears stood out as particularly cute to me, and it immediately made me feel very happy and calm.

A recent study shows I’m not alone, and we all have a shared understanding of what soothe means to us – feeling calm, relaxed, and at ease. One man taking part in the study said: “Feeling soothed is in the moment, present-focused, relaxed.” A woman added: “It’s a state of aloneness or detachment from my surroundings where I feel calm, warm, safe, and secure.”

Some people find mindfulness meditation is a source of soothing

for them, too. One woman said: “I listened to a short mindfulness audio tape, which helped me to focus on my breath. It helped me to focus through visualisation, and I got a sense of strength and calm after listening to the audio tape.”

Another participant said: “I was in bed, relaxed and with music on and I was soothed when knowing that all my work and tasks were done. I was both happy and optimistic.”

Human stories like these, along with others, show us that we agree on what’s soothing: solitude, affiliation, mindfulness, connection with nature, and physical sensations.

Now these findings from researchers are helping mental health practitioners and clinicians support individuals to develop self-soothing strategies.

And the sense of soothing extends to young people, too.

Project Soothe is working with young people with depression.

The scientists have divvied up 70 young people into teams.

Professor Chan says: “One team

an open mind Ranking (1= most soothing)

What these most soothing images all have in common is that there’s a sense of solitude and nature, which we often find so peaceful

nd Ranked number 1: Chilled sunset over Loch Lomo

made a graphic novel inspired by our existing archive of soothing photos, then they wrote the story The Soothing Adventures of Bee, which highlights how a young woman called Bee soothes herself.

“It includes Bee making brownies on a page about cooking, and Bee doing yoga.

It’s a really nice book that’s free for young people. Another team made a pencil case with soothing images printed on the front, to serve as a reminder for them to soothe themselves – and a pencil case is something they use at school every day.” >>>

Ranked number 2: I find the sunset and dusk colours relaxing, a sort of nature “time out”

Ranked number 3: This is Me rry the cat, sleeping on top of my father-in-law’s printer, taken on Christmas, 2014. He’s war m and fluffy and sleeping peacefully, and it’s quite soothing.

happiful.com | Issue 64 | 63

Ranked number 5: He looks

so relaxed

hed because es me feel soot ak m It et 6: r be ght of the suns Ranked num als. The soft li ve y re sk it d s an es n ln mountai of the stil e is only lake er th at . th ts so en and al disturbed elem with no other

Professor Chan adds: “When I started the project I thought, let’s ask members of the public to submit soothing photos and build a big archive around them.

My father was a photographer, and I grew up holding a camera.

I was as young as three when I held my first camera, so it’s very intuitive to me. It’s a very simple website, and all we want is for 64 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

you to submit images you feel are soothing. We’ve since found that by looking at 25 images, positive mood increases.”

In as much as a deep, still lake can be soothing, so too can sound. Professor Chan is also working with The British Library to combine images with sound.

“This is the next step for us,” she says. “Sound and photos

We agree on what’s soothing: solitude, affiliation, mindfulness, connection with nature, and physical sensations transcend language and cognitive ability. We’ve addressed people feeling isolated with Covid-19 by launching an app for Project Soothe to help more people. It’s very accessible, and relatable.”

A ‘Top 10’ of soothing images has been established, ranging from pets to petals, and seas to skies. What these most soothing images all have in common is that there’s a sense of solitude and nature, which we often find so peaceful.

And if you have a garden, or a special place where you feel at peace, Professor Chan says you can get involved. Simply take a photo of your soothing moment and upload it to projectsoothe. com with one click. The online gallery is open for viewing 24/7, and submissions are ongoing. To submit photographs and to find out about all research projects based on Project Soothe, please click the ‘Participate’ page on the site.

The sweet escape

As one of the stars of The Great British Bake Off 2020, Lottie Bedlow is no stranger to the pressures and the mishaps that can happen when tackling a homebake – but perhaps it’s time we all found a little more culinary freedom. Here, Lottie delves into her own mindful journey with baking, to share why we should all embrace taste over perfection, and allow ourselves to get creative in the kitchen Writing | Lottie Bedlow

“

W

hy do you bake?”

It’s a question that people have asked me a lot since Bake Off. At the time, I was a bit more preoccupied with asking myself things like: ‘Why have I done this?’; ‘Was this an awful idea?’; and ‘Could I be any more embarrassing?’ And whatever the question, the answer always ended up being something along the lines of ‘I don’t know anything about baking – who do I think I am?’ So why I bake isn’t something

I’ve found a proper answer to yet.

But I am going to try…

For me, baking started as an escape from a busy and stressful London life. I would pore over recipe books like novels, and flick through glossy food publications with the same passion and zeal as a 90s teenager stumbling across a top-shelf magazine. I wanted to make it all, now. In my tiny, cupboard-sized kitchen.

I have a science degree. I am a logical, practical, anxietyfuelled overthinker. So, I initially

approached baking like I would a risky experiment in the lab.

I followed recipes religiously, spent money I didn’t have on bizarre ingredients that I didn’t understand, and convinced myself that the writer of any recipe was a kind of god: ‘They say I need xanthan gum and the world will clearly end if I use a substitute.’ >>> happiful.com | Issue 64 | 65

What I turned out was often edible, sometimes tasty. I remember baking my first big birthday cake for a lactose intolerant colleague, and spending longer looking for a decent buttercream recipe than I did making the cake itself. I needed someone else to provide a recipe so that I could follow their lead.

Looking back, there was an element of being able to pass the blame if it didn’t work out: ‘I don’t know what went wrong, I followed the recipe to the letter! Rubbish recipe…’ I couldn’t be the one who had got something wrong.

Then, things began to change. I don’t know exactly when the shift happened but, gradually, I found the confidence to bend recipes – just by tweaking flavours to start with. A lemon cheesecake became a lime cheesecake. Chocolate brownies found raspberry pieces.

Ganache tasted better with the addition of alcohol. Once made, these creations felt personal. Yes, I had used someone else’s recipe for the method, but I had added my own flavours so it was my bake.

Soon I started to really pull apart the sacred recipes. Through trial and error, I taught myself how to find my own balance between adhering to the science of baking, and experimenting with the art of flavour. The process encouraged me to use a new part of my brain: the creative side. Baking wasn’t just a distraction anymore; it was space to daydream. This was my mindfulness.

But being creative meant getting things wrong – the thing I had feared all along. I did – and still do – mess up a lot. Early on, I 66 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

prioritised flavour over everything else, which meant my bakes looked like they’d been run over and dragged through several hedges backwards (twice). But I was loving it. The process of experimenting and testing, then sharing and receiving feedback, was twice as rewarding as being told that my ability to read and follow a recipe was on point. I was finally learning to enjoy the process, regardless of the (quite probably) imperfect outcome.

I was finally learning to enjoy the process, regardless of the (quite probably) imperfect outcome Bake Off was the ultimate test of this newfound, and not quite consolidated, confidence.

Each recipe submitted for the show had to be completely original and written by me. And terrifyingly, the public watching at home wouldn’t be able to taste my bakes, so they would be judging me on appearance alone. Every brief called for ‘showstopping’, ‘immaculate’, and ‘beautifully presented’ creations. Not my forte. But I was determined to try my best.

It quickly became obvious to

everyone at home that I was suffering from a classic case of imposter syndrome. It turns out that’s how the majority of the bakers were feeling – I was just more vocal about it! As a group, we celebrated each other’s wins and commiserated the losses.

Baking – which had begun as my secret hobby and turned into a personal, creative outlet – was now a hilarious and messy process that I actually enjoyed sharing with others. The sense that we were ‘all in this together’ was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. I want to give other people that feeling.

That is why I’ve written Baking Imperfect. To encourage anyone who feels nervous about baking to give it a go, and to push more experienced bakers to challenge themselves. What is the worst that can happen?

So, why do I bake? Because baking reminds me that I’m allowed to make mistakes. You are too.

See the next page for a recipe from ‘Baking Imperfect’ by Lottie Bedlow, available from 7 July (Hamlyn, £20).

Follow Lottie on Instagram @lottiegotcake

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Banocolatee Bread Because banana bread is boring

I tried to make the title of this one snappy by combining banana, chocolate and toffee into one word, but I’m not sure it will catch on and I don’t even know how to say it. Everyone loves banana bread, blah blah blah – BORING. Give this a try instead. Because chocolate and toffee sauce make everything better...

Photography | Tom Register

KIT LIST • 450g (1lb) loaf tin • Stand mixer or electric whisk • Food processor or blender (optional) For the cake • 100g (3½oz) unsalted butter, softened • 50g (1¾oz) caster sugar • 3 overripe bananas, peeled and well mashed • 1 egg • 200g (7oz) self-raising flour • 100g (3½oz) dark chocolate (54% cocoa solids minimum), chopped or blitzed to a small rubble in a food processor • Pinch of salt For the toffee sauce • 85g (3oz) dark brown soft sugar • 70g (2½oz) unsalted butter • ½ tablespoon golden syrup • 150ml (5fl oz) double cream, plus extra to serve • Pinch of salt, or to taste

1. Preheat the oven to 200°C/180°C fan/400°F/Gas Mark 6 and line the loaf tin with nonstick baking paper.

2. For the cake, cream the butter and sugar together in a stand mixer or in a bowl with an electric whisk for 3 minutes.

Add the mashed bananas and combine, then beat in the egg. Sift in the flour, add the chocolate and salt, then fold into the mixture. Transfer to the lined tin and bake for about 40–45 minutes, or until a skewer inserted into the middle comes out clean.* Leave to cool while you make the sauce.

3. Melt the sugar, butter and syrup together in a medium saucepan over a medium heat. Bring to the boil and allow to thicken

for a couple of minutes. Stir in the cream and boil for another couple of minutes. Leave to cool, then add salt to taste.

4. Remove the cake from the tin by inverting it on to a serving plate. Peel off the lining paper and pour the toffee sauce over the top. Best sliced and served warm with a little extra cream on the side. *If the top is starting to burn but the skewer isn’t coming out clean, cover loosely with foil and return to the oven. We’re trying to avoid the top burning before the middle has cooked. If this does happen, you can just cut off the burned top before serving. Once you’ve got the sauce on there, nobody will notice or care. happiful.com | Issue 64 | 67

Let me hear your body talk Keep your communications clear by considering your body language and how you can demonstrate active listening

S

howing attentiveness to a conversation lets people feel heard, and can open up the door for more meaningful interactions, showing the person you’re engaging with that you’re receptive to what they’re saying.

There are some behaviours you’ll probably be doing naturally, but when we gain awareness of the signals of active listening, we can make a conscious effort to instil them in our communications.

1. Face the person speaking.

By turning towards your conversation partner, you’re clearly displaying that they have your full attention. It could also signify a willingness to be vulnerable, as we’re presenting our chest (and in turn our heart), which might be seen as

68 | Issue 64 | happiful.com

Writing | Rebecca Thair

a symbolic gesture of opening ourselves up.

2. Get closer. Yes, we’re talking literally. Your physical proximity to each other in a conversation, and in particular leaning forwards, shows your interest and engagement in the discussion.

Leaning back could signal that you’re distancing yourself from the chat, so try to proactively lean in where you can.

3. Clear the space between you. In a practical sense, ensure there are no objects obscuring your view of each other, and in a metaphorical way, keep your arms relaxed and to your side where possible – crossed arms can signify a disinterest in the conversation, or an unwillingness to open up. So try to be aware

of how your body is positioned to demonstrate your willing participation.

4. Give encouragement. This could be in the form of nodding your head to show you’re listening and taking on board what they’re saying, or using facial expressions to react without interrupting them, or small remarks such as ‘yes’ and ‘OK’ which won’t disrupt their flow, but give them confidence that what they’re saying is being heard and processed.

5. Maintain eye contact. It’s been reported that keeping your eyes focused on each other for 60–70% of the time someone is speaking helps provide the best balance for good rapport. So, next time you’re chatting, keep those eyes locked, and be present.

positive pointers

The right to grow your own

Allotments exist to offer everyone the opportunity to grow their own food, so, what do you need to know?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

I

f you’ve never stepped foot on an allotment before, at the very least you’ve probably passed one by.

Squeezed in between housing estates in the centre of cities, on the outskirts of towns, and down spiralling pathways in villages, an estimated 330,000 allotments across the UK offer local residents their own plot of land where they can grow their own food, cultivating a ‘good life’ while they’re at it.

And, post-lockdown, interest in allotments is higher than ever, with the National Allotment Society revealing that 40% of

English councils responding to a survey reported a ‘significant uplift’ in applications to join waiting lists, with one council – Hyndburn, in Lancashire – seeing an astounding 300% increase.

It’s easy to understand why this trend is happening. In lockdown, many of us slowed our pace of life right down and were forced to reconnect with the simple things in life. Add to that a desire to ‘eat local’, to understand more about where our food comes from and, importantly, the incredible wellbeing benefit of being out in nature that many of us have

experienced first-hand, and you have the perfect conditions for the self-sufficient dream to blossom.

The good news is that, in theory, there’s enough to go around.

While many may choose to grow food in their gardens – in 1908, the Small Holdings and Allotments Act came into force, meaning that local authorities must provide sufficient allotment space for the public to grow food where there is a demand for it.

Updated in 1925 to protect these spaces further, this legislation is still very much active today, and preserves citizens’ rights to grow >>> happiful.com | Issue 64 | 69

their own food, holding the door open to anyone who wants to have a go.

While waiting lists can be rather lengthy, sometimes stretching up to 18 months, costs can be relatively low, ranging between £25–£125 per year depending on the location and facilities on site.

Total newbies work side-by-side with expert old-timers, and the community spirit that flourishes on allotments is second to none, as knowledge is passed around without hesitation, plant swaps will have you tucking into new experiences, and annual shows will bring out a healthy dose of competition.

Sounds appealing? Here’s a quick run-down of three key things to consider:

1. How much land are we talkin’?

Allotments are traditionally measured in ‘poles’ – also referred to as ‘perches’ or ‘rods’ – which is an ancient measurement that dates back to Anglo-Saxon times. Generally speaking, the standard allotment size is 10 poles, which is the equivalent of 250 square metres – about the size of a doubles tennis court. It’s a fair bit of land, but if you feel intimidated by that, there are a number of options available. You could share the plot with someone you know, or you could reach out to others who are on the waiting list. Or, you can cover up some of your plot with weed-suppressant material, and work on it bit by bit until you get the hang of things. Be warned though, most allotment contracts will stipulate how much of your allotment must be in use at any given time, often setting your goals such as one-quarter in use within the first three months, half in your first year, and so on. All in all, don’t be intimidated, but do be prepared.

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positive pointers

2. Time is of the essence

Now you’ve got an idea of the size of the plot, it’s worth considering how much time you will be able to devote to working on it. Home-grown food really is a labour of love; you get out what you put in, which is what makes it so special. With that in mind, it’s fair to say that allotments demand a lot of care and attention.

In the summer months, you might find you need to visit your plot almost every day to keep on top of watering and weeding, and even off-season you’ll want to be visiting a few times a week to make sure everything is maintained. Most allotments will also have regular inspections run by the council. You’ll be given warning, but it means you are agreeing to keeping a neat and tidy plot at all times. Of course, if you’re full of enthusiasm and find bucket-loads of joy in the work, this will be no problem, but do consider how this new endeavour will slot into your life.

3. All the gear

Part of the philosophy of allotments is DIY, and finding creative solutions to problems. These aren’t ornate gardens, they’re functional and productive, and for that reason, you shouldn’t have to pour a load of money into getting them going. You can find a lot of gardening equipment on second-hand sites such as Facebook Marketplace, Gumtree, and eBay – you might even inherit some left-over equipment from the plot’s previous owner. Seeds are relatively inexpensive, and each allotment usually has a ‘seed club’, where you can buy packs at a discounted price; what’s more, plant swaps are common, and you can usually find people selling seedlings and young plants at car-boot and jumble sales.

Up for the challenge? Get back to your roots and find out more by searching for allotments in your area. Apply for a plot by heading to gov.uk/applyallotment. You never know what might come to fruition.

happiful.com | Issue 64 | 71

No one will listen to us until we listen to ourselves MARIANNE WILLIAMSON

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Photography | Dollar Gill

positive pointers

Off the grid Psychotherapist, author, podcast host, and mum-of-three Anna Mathur shares how negative comparison can so easily creep into our lives, but with some self-compassion and awareness, we can see the bigger picture Writing | Lucy Donoughue

H

ow many times have you found yourself scrolling through social media and sensing the crushing weight of comparison?

You might be taking a five-minute break from work, while everyone else seems to be living their #bestlife, jetting off on holiday, or preparing homemade picnics for a blissful afternoon, while you’ve just spent the entire morning scrubbing porridge off the wall from a breakfast mishap.

It’s a universal truth that each and every one of us will fall foul of the comparison cloud at some point in our lives, as psychotherapist Anna Mathur explains on Happiful’s podcast, ‘I am. I have’. And she’s more than willing to share how it impacts her, too.

“Comparison turns up in so many different areas of my life,” she says. “It’s a constant dialogue I have to have with myself, and if I don’t it can just run riot!”

However, Anna is quick to explain that comparison is not a wholly negative behaviour.

“Comparison in and of itself is a self-protective force,” she notes.

“Comparison can help us to judge if perhaps we could do something better; we might look at someone else’s situation and realise that there’s something we want to be doing, and it drives us forward and motivates us to go after that for ourselves, if it’s something positive.

“And if you look back to caveman days, comparison kept people safe then,” she continues. “You might have realised that you weren’t as strong as another person, so they would be the better bet for hunting and gathering. Comparison can be about assessing ability, so that everyone is using their strengths and resources in the best way.” >>> happiful.com | Issue 64 | 73

Listen to the full episode with Anna Mathur on Happiful’s podcast ‘I am. I have’

Thinking about comparison in this light could certainly help us to question why we are comparing, what we’re taking away from the act, and why it’s necessary for us in that moment. Curiosity around why a particular person’s situation makes us reflect upon our own life could lead to some insights as to how we’re coping, where we might feel stuck, want to grow, or indeed need help from others.

Our hearts hear the words that our minds speak So, how do we determine when comparison is leading us to take stock of where we are and want to be, and when it’s simply become a stick to beat ourselves with?

“Comparison becomes problematic, and this is something I personally struggle with, when I use the difference between me and someone else to make a statement about myself,” Anna admits.

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“Say I’ve had a really rough morning with the kids, and I’ve not responded in a way I feel particularly proud of, and then I go shopping and I see a mum being so incredibly patient with her toddler having a tantrum.

What happens in my brain is very, very quick: ‘She’s a better mum

than me. I’m a rubbish mum. I’m a failure.’

“In a split second, I’ve made two incredibly powerful statements about myself: being a rubbish mum, and a failure. Can you imagine going up to another woman and saying that? The look on her face, and the power

positive pointers

in those words? That’s where comparison is so harmful. Our hearts hear the words that our minds speak, and we can say these things in the silence of our minds in a split second, and it’s like an emotional punch.”

Self-compassion can be an antidote to this painful self-talk, Anna asserts, and she has a great way of remembering the need to be kind to herself.

“I envision a little Anna inside me, there’s a little version inside of us all, and we have to be so aware that when we speak these words and create these statements out of snapshots, that’s impacting us. There’s a little us inside that’s taking that punch and is winded by that. It’s bullying language.”

Professionally, Anna has concerns about the growing crisis in confidence and self-esteem she witnesses every day, and believes social media scrolling, in particular, can be extremely detrimental for us at times when we’re feeling low.

“Our brains are hardwired to believe what we see, and that it’s the full picture,” she says. “If we’re not doing the work where our little coaching voice comes into our head to say, ‘Come on, you know that’s just a snapshot, this isn’t a statement about who you are. They’ve got their messiness and human bits, you just can’t see it in this image.’”

Our inner coach, as Anna describes it, is a powerful tool in dialling down the noise and criticism created from the negative side of comparison, and bringing self-compassion to the fore. As with any tool, however, we have to practise tapping into our inner coach, being mindful of the statements we make about ourselves, and questioning what we see.

This work can be made more difficult by tiredness, and new mums in particular can be susceptible to comparison, as they begin to learn what it is to be a parent.

“When you’re trying to navigate a new situation, it can be so easy to look outside of yourself for confirmation that you’re doing a good job or not,” Anna says kindly.

“Mums all feel pressure to look and feel like we know what we’re doing, when the reality is why should we? We can read all the books, but there’ll be tiny and big decisions every day we need to make, and we want to get it right.

That’s why parents are particularly vulnerable to comparison.”

This is where friends and loved ones can help.

“If you’re supporting a parent who is obviously struggling with comparison, looking outside of themselves and making statements about how they are mothering due to what they see,

I think it’s just about regrounding them,” Anna says. “Asking them ‘What do you think?’, ‘What do you feel?’, and reminding them it’s all new, that they’re trying, and encouraging them to take the pressure of themselves to know everything.”

Giving ourselves and others a break from self and societallyimposed pressure, and acknowledging our humanity, are all major themes in conversation with Anna, which is why she’s so deeply relatable. It’s true that, whatever stage of life we’re at and whoever we are, there will be times when we are all just finding our own way, no matter what it looks like through the peephole of social media squares. So, let’s take Anna’s lead and choose self-compassion over negative comparison, every time.

‘The Little Book of Calm for New Mums: Grounding words for the highs, the lows and the moments in between’ by Anna Mathur (Penguin Life, £12.99) is available now. happiful.com | Issue 64 | 75

5 questions to reconnect you with your career path Feeling lost and uninspired with your career?

Ask yourself the following questions…

Writing | Sarah Green

W

e spend a large portion of our days, weeks, and lives at work, to the point where, often, the time we spend on developing our careers and businesses outweighs time with friends and families.

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

This isn’t necessarily negative; hopefully our work supports us to live with meaning. But, sometimes, we may not feel aligned to our role, or valued by our employer, or feel positively challenged by our job. Perhaps, our values no longer match with the organisation we work for, or the lack of career progression may be holding us back.

As with all areas of life, things can change. Our ambition might outgrow the current role we have at work.

Maybe we are returning from maternity

leave with a renewed sense of identity, perhaps we have a new manager who doesn’t support our career ambitions, or we realise that a 50-hour working week isn’t for us anymore. It’s common to have these thoughts, and to feel out of sync with our working life for some time before we review and act towards change. Job security and financial stability can outweigh the possible risks that come with a career move, and we can start to feel ‘stuck’ instead of curious.

But the pandemic has created a shift in workplace culture, and the changes towards flexible working have provided new opportunities, reduced commuting, and minimised office politics for many. As a life and career coach, many of the clients I work with share thoughts on wanting to make a positive impact through their work, wanting to feel more fulfilled, and to have more of a balance between work and home.

As with all big life decisions, it is important to move through

try this at home

Knowing that we are making a difference is how we feel fulfilled

the fear that we first notice, and into a place of open-minded possibility. So, ask yourself these five questions that can help you to reconnect with your career path and purpose.

1. Is your work ‘meaningful’ right now?

Having a sense of purpose in our work keeps us motivated and allows us to feel connected to something bigger than ourselves.

What do you love most about your role right now? Assess how your company’s values align with your own personal ones. Make a note of when you can influence positive change in your projects.

Recall the colleagues that inspire you, who share your vision for a supportive work environment.

2. Is your current role making you feel valued?

Knowing that we are making a difference, and that our time and contributions matter, is how we feel fulfilled. Reflect on recent feedback, and note

the contributions you have been thanked for. Assess where and how you enable your team and organisation to achieve objectives – does this make you feel proud?

Being appreciated helps our motivation. Who is championing you and sees your potential?

3. What new skills are you learning through work?

Our capacity for learning is endless, and each opportunity for growth taps into our potential. Access to learning and development keeps us engaged and motivated, whether this is through formal learning, observing, or saying ‘yes’ to new experiences.

Does your current role allow you to stay curious, and seek out new opportunities for growth?

4. How might you change or improve your working life?

After considering the points above, what do you notice? Reflect on the elements that resonate with you, and identify where there may be a gap you would like to close. There may be a bigger calling, or you may be fully invested in where you are right now – there is no right or wrong answer.

5. What, if anything, is holding you back from making a change?

In some ways, this is the most important question. Often, we can instinctively know that we are ready for change and are curious to see how our future careers could look, but the familiarity of a current role keeps us in our comfort zone.

If a career change, promotion, or retraining ‘feels’ like an exciting change, but overwhelming too (which is completely normal) then consider asking for support. A coach or mentor can really help us to challenge our thinking, and to look for wider opportunities.

With this information and support, we can begin to identify the right career development plan – one that is unique to our vision, values, and potential.

Sarah Green is a person-centred life and career development coach.

Find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 64 | 77

Throwaway sayings, and why they’re so damaging Understanding the impact of our words, and how they can perpetuate stigma Writing | Maxine Ali

L

anguage holds an invisible power over our lives. More than a collection of words and phrases, it is a vehicle for ideas and experiences, and plays a significant role in shaping how we make sense of the world.

While we may not always be aware of it, the words we wield can also be weapons. They can inflict harm and cause pain, sometimes without our realising.

Casual ableism is a routine occurrence in our language.

It shows up in everyday expressions, throwaway remarks, and off-the-cuff sayings which perpetuate harmful assumptions and misconceptions about disabilities and mental illnesses.

With each time we describe a dull event as ‘so depressing,’ a recollection of frustration as ‘giving me PTSD’, or an occasional habit as ‘a bit OCD,’ casual ableism is increasingly normalised within our cultural vernacular.

In her book, On The Offensive, linguist Dr Karen Stollznow

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highlights how mental health conditions are often exaggerated through colloquial phrases used to discuss undesirable traits or character flaws: an egotistical politician is described as a ‘narcissist’; a friend who worries that other people don’t like them is ‘paranoid’; and a colleague who has difficulty focusing on one task has ‘ADHD’. This metaphorising of mental illness both trivialises complex conditions, and fuels their association with negative qualities.

“My biggest pet peeve is when people say, ‘I’m literally obsessed with__,’” explains Kayla Kaplan, who was diagnosed with OCD, ADHD, a non-verbal learning disorder in her mid-teens, and, more recently, with PTSD. “It paints obsession as a synonym to really liking something and, in my experience, literal obsessions feel horrible. Being unable to get your brain to stop obsessing over something is one of the most helpless feelings, and it shows me that people who misuse the

word have no concept of what it actually means.”

Bev Herscovitch, a healthcare and disability advocate, suggests that these throwaway sayings can lead people with mental illnesses to feel unsafe and isolated, potentially preventing them from opening up to others, or seeking support when they need it. Speaking of her own experience as someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder and anxiety, she says “It makes me feel overwhelmed because I realise there’s so much more work to be done in just erasing stigma and raising awareness.”

More troubling than individuals using mental health terminology in this casual way, however, is organisations and businesses treating them as trends. “I’ve often come across merchandise that says: ‘OCD (Obsessive Christmas Disorder or Obsessive Cat Disorder),’” Kayla comments.

“To misappropriate a diagnosis for profit is a whole other level

an open mind

of hurt, and it normalises doing so at a massive scale.”

Of course, not everyone who utters these sayings intends to cause harm. More often than not, people simply reproduce ubiquitous turns of phrase without much knowledge about their origins or implications.

Our use of language is habitual, rooted in ritual and convention.

When we reach into our mental lexicon, searching for the right phrase to describe a thought, experience or idea, we tend not

to reflect on the gravity of our words, or consider the beliefs behind what we are saying.

However, even if the intent may not have been to inflict hurt, the impact still matters.

As Kayla tells me, these phrases water down the language and descriptors that disabled and mentally ill people have available for sharing their experiences and symptoms. “It makes it harder to advocate for ourselves in neurotypical/non-disabled spaces.”

“People are not metaphors,” Bev adds. “When you use mental illness as a descriptor, you’re erasing the actual experience of people living with these illnesses.”

When we participate in casual ableism, however unintentional, it’s down to us to reflect on how our words can be hurtful and make a pledge to be more careful and considerate moving forwards. Though far from an exhaustive list, here are some sayings we should phase out from our vocabulary. >>> happiful.com | Issue 64 | 79

“I’m really OCD.”

OCD, an abbreviation for obsessive compulsive disorder, is often used to describe someone who is tidy, organised, or conscious about hygiene. Through sayings such as ‘I’m really OCD,’ it is framed as a ‘fun little quirk’, or even a beneficial quality that helps people keep their lives in order. However, this projects a stereotypical image of OCD, and minimises the impact it can have on people’s real lives.

If you’re attempting to highlight someone’s organisational skills, a more accurate term than ‘OCD’ could be ‘neat’, ‘precise’, or ‘systematic’.

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“That’s totally crazy.”

When you use mental illness as a descriptor, you’re erasing the actual experience of people living with these illnesses “You’re being insane.”

It’s a little known fact that the term ‘insane’ was once a psychiatric label, before being phased out in the 1950s by more scientific terminology. Derived from the Latin ‘insanus’, which meant ‘mentally unsound’, the term reflected the belief of the time that those with mental illnesses had lost their sense of reason.

Today, ‘insane’ can be used in a range of contexts, both positive and negative.

Although no longer part of psychiatric discourse though, these senses still draw on negative perceptions of mental illness. Instead of calling something ‘insane’, try ‘exceptional,’ ‘exciting’, or ‘ridiculous’ depending on the context.

Similar to ‘insane’, ‘crazy’ can have both positive and negative connotations. People can use it to mean something is either ‘outrageously good’ or ‘utterly unreasonable’.

But the term is also rooted in dehumanising views about mental illness. ‘Crazy’ first appeared during the 17th century to mean ‘diseased’ or ‘sickly’, later coming to refer to being of ‘unsound mind’.

While, arguably, the meaning of ‘crazy’ has expanded enough to overwrite its offensive past, its ableist etymology means that it can still be incredibly hurtful for people with mental illnesses to hear.

“They’re a bit bipolar.”

‘Bipolar’ is often employed to describe something as unpredictable or inconsistent, for example ‘The weather is so bipolar today.’

However, this use reflects an oversimplification of the condition. “Bipolar disorder is not erratic mood swings,” says healthcare and disability advocate Bev. “By casually using bipolar in this context, you’re erasing the nuances of how it’s actually experienced.”

Some replacement terms could include ‘turbulent’, ‘restless’, or ‘indecisive’.

“They’ve got a schizo side.”

The phrase ‘schizo’ has become slang for something or someone who is frenzied or eccentric. This sense perpetuates incredibly stigmatising stereotypes about schizophrenia though.

A 2019 study looking at representations of mental health conditions in the UK media found that the terms ‘schizo’ and ‘schizophrenic’ were used as linguistic signatures for violence. This common usage fuels the belief that those who are diagnosed with schizophrenia are frightening and prone to violence.

Besides ‘frenzied’, ‘eccentric’, ‘chaotic ', ‘agitated’, or ‘wild’ are also strong alternatives.

Being more careful and considerate with our words is an important step towards eliminating the shame and stigma surrounding disability and mental illness. Though language may not be the be-all of social change, it is certainly a powerful tool for creating a kinder, more compassionate and understanding world in which people are heard and validated in their experiences.

Maxine Ali is a writer, linguist, and PhD researcher at King’s College London, specialising in health communication. happiful.com | Issue 64 | 81

A mindful moment: a walk on the wild side Find some freedom in the fresh air, and go for a walk in the wilderness Writing | Rebecca Thair

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hat’s more magical than surrounding yourself with the miracles of the natural world? Taking the time to appreciate the wonders that surround you, the impact on your mood and thoughts, and a consideration of all your senses, can help to ground you and uncover a renewed sense of peace and serenity.

You could take a route you’ve never explored before to experience your surroundings for the first

Nature bingo Squirrel

time, or allow your feet to follow a familiar path to fully immerse yourself in your senses. As you stroll, ask yourself the following questions, and reflect on the prompts to make the most of the present moment.

• • • •

How do you feel right now?

Take three deep breaths.

Take note of four different birds.

Can you name three blue things you can see?

• What can you taste?

• Describe four different sounds.

• Try to experience five different textures, and appreciate them in ways you may not have before.

• What can you feel on your skin – the breeze, the sun’s warmth, a touch of rain?

• What does your walking over the forest floor sound like?

• What are you most drawn to outdoors?

• What flowers are in bloom?

• How has your mood changed since being outside?

Butterflies Pine cone Feathers Ladybird

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Bee Nest

Yellow flowers

Moss

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