We all have it, that little voice whispering in our ear that we ‘can’t’, we aren’t ‘enough’, that we’ll ‘flop’.
This might stem from a desire for self-preservation. If we don’t try, we can’t fail, right? But where does that leave us? What would life be like if we always found ourselves hovering on the edge of possibility, and never taking that first step forward?
When self-doubt weighs on our shoulders, it can hold us back from the life we’ve always wanted. We might think we have to do what everyone else is doing, we can’t rock the boat, or steer off course, or that if we try, it’ll be a wreck waiting to happen.
But you know the thing about time? It’s fleeting. So you have to ensure you’re spending yours in whatever way fulfils you most.
This issue is focused on challenging those core beliefs that you ‘can’t’, to make way for radical new avenues of thinking – and exploring the exciting roads of opportunity they may take you down.
Whether that’s working through our 20 life coach-approved questions on p75 to figure out what’s most important to you, or finding your personal ‘zone of genius’ and returning to education, like in the article on p51.
Perhaps it’s about finding innovative ways to heal, like through creative pursuits on p29, or coming out at a later age and accepting your authentic self on p65.
We implore you to open your mind to possibilities, and find comfort in going your own way.
Your path or destination doesn’t have to resemble anyone else’s – it’s yours to explore in your own time. But, we want to put an emphasis on making the most of that time.
As journalist Sydney Harris said: “Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.”
Let’s leave ‘if only’ in the past.
REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR
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In life, we meet many people – often quickly. Our fleeting interactions can result in a quick judgement of each person we meet. But, as the helpful article on p19 reveals, that judgement is often wrong. One way in which you can counteract this is by taking the time to get to know people, by being open with each other, and by not holding on to preconceived impressions. Ultimately, a more patient and considered approach when engaging with people will be mutually beneficial.
than 10 years' experience.
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Claudine is a naturopathic nutritionist and health coach.
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Chloe is an art psychotherapist, natureinspired therapist, and painter.
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Andrew is a psychotherapeutic counsellor.
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SPECIAL THANKS
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Danielle is an integrative counsellor and life coach specialising in trauma.
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If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E
Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org
SANEline
SANEline offers support and information from 4pm–10pm: 0300 304 7000
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Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk
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p16
If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999, or go to A&E. You can also call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them on jo@samaritans.org
Learn more about counselling and connect with a professional using counselling-directory.org.uk
p65
To learn more about LGBTQ+ life, connect with a community, and find support, visit stonewall.org.uk
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One undeniable truth is that finding the right help for each individual is a journey – what works for one of us will be different for someone else. But don't feel disheartened if you haven't found your path yet. Our Happiful family can help you on your way. Bringing together various arms of support, each of our sister sites focuses on a different method of nourishing your wellbeing – from counselling, to hypnotherapy, nutrition, coaching, and holistic therapy. Download our free Happiful app for more.
The pursuit of good health is something that many people have on their minds, and the prevention of dementia, with its devastating effects, garners a lot of interest. But now, in research shared at the Alzheimer’s Prevention Conference, four key ways to halve your risk of dementia have been revealed.
The first is taking omega-3 fish oil supplements, with a new study of almost half a million participants highlighting how it
is associated with a lower risk of dementia. The second is B vitamins – found in all sorts of foods including leafy greens, cereals, and meats – which, in a trial at Oxford University, resulted in 52% less brain shrinkage, and little further memory loss.
Third on the list was keeping your brain active by doing things like solving puzzles or learning a new language, as well as regularly exercising. And, lastly, lower blood sugar levels, as higher levels
of sugar and insulin in the blood have been linked to Alzheimer’s.
While research is constantly ongoing, and the factors that lead to dementia are undeniably complex, solid research does suggest that there are small things that each of us can start to adopt immediately, to help to lower our risk later in life.
For more information, prevention masterclasses, and events, visit foodforthebrain.org
Writing | Kathryn WheelerThese days, you will find that any kind of interest out there has its own set of ‘influencers’ – people who post online content to large audiences – and ‘mummy bloggers’ are some of the most far-reaching and influential. But, new parents might want to take a fresh look at their ‘following’ lists, as new research has found that those who spend a lot of time looking at motherhood content online, might experience higher levels of stress because of it.
In a study published in Biological Psychology, researchers found that exposure to this content can activate the body’s stress response, and increase cortisol levels in our bodies.
This was largely down to a comparison between them and the influencers, whose neat and tidy kids, expansive homes, affluence, and overall image of ‘perfection’, are simply unattainable for the average person.
Comparison traps are nasty, sneaky things, and as we face
unknown, new roles – such as at the beginning of parenthood – the tendency to fall into one unwittingly is very easy.
Sound familiar? It might be time for a social media spring clean. Scroll through your ‘following’ lists, and ask whether the pages nourish your curiosity, inspire you, make you laugh, or bring you joy. If they’re failing on these fronts, perhaps say goodbye, and break free of those online comparison traps, for good.
Writing| Kathryn Wheeler
We all know how good it feels to belt out a great song, whether singing show tunes in the kitchen or jamming with friends. So, following restrictions imposed around Covid, those who met in-person to sing were forced to get inventive.
Joining Zoom choirs became a lifeline for many, but there was something missing. Researchers at the University of York surveyed more than 3,000 members of choirs in the UK and found that there was a collective sense of loss because they weren’t able to make music in real time, due to technical difficulties.
To address this, the team at the University’s AudioLab created a virtual reality environment.
“We have seen from previous studies that tested physiological responses, like heart rate variability and sweat levels, that positive emotions are aroused when singing in a group,” explains Professor Helena Daffern, from the University of York’s AudioLab. “We wanted to recreate singing together in a virtual environment for those who had barriers to accessing this type of activity in ‘real life’.”
The technology has now been trialled in a number of care homes, and received positive reviews from both residents and staff.
“It appears that virtual reality choirs could provide a way of reaching out to people who have barriers to this form of social
interaction, and although more research is needed to understand the exact health and wellbeing impacts of singing in a group, it is clear that the experience can provide significant enjoyment.”
Learn more on the University’s podcast, ‘The Story of Things’.
Writing | Kat Nicholls
With all they do for the environment, many of us can admit to having a fondness for this busy insect, but one thing we don’t often associate with bees is a big personality. But now, a new study in Animal Behaviour suggests there may be more to bumblebees than first meets the eye. In an experiment conducted by researchers at Queen Mary University of London, bees were set up in a container which allowed them to travel from their nest to a feed area. But, on the journey, the bees had the option to pass through a separate section, which contained a collection of small, wooden balls.
Over the 18-day study, researchers observed that the bees would go out of their way to visit the section with the balls, and roll them around. What’s more, younger bees tended to be more playful than adult bees, just like their human counterparts.
“It is certainly mind-blowing, at times amusing, to watch bumble bees show something like play,” said study lead author Samadi Galpayage. “They approach and manipulate these ‘toys’ again and again. It goes to show that despite their little size and tiny brains, they are more than small robotic beings. This sort of finding has implications for our understanding of sentience and welfare of insects and will, hopefully, encourage us to respect and protect life on Earth even more.”
Writing | Kathryn WheelerTry this variation on a classic wordsearch. Instead of being in straight lines, words are spelled out in winding paths, with each next letter joining the previous either horizontally or vertically – no diagonals here. Start with the bold letter and complete the whole grid!
Clue: colourful thinking
S I M N Y U N D Y E
C L E O X G R U G G E H L R T I N U B S H
I E A A N R M E L E I A P E L P U A R L C E R O S A U B Z U R O B T I R A M A H S A L I N N E C R R U U L T M E J N O I T L E B U I V A D S M L E P U R L O C E A I O T T A Q
T I R P V E S I O U
The Woodland Trust has named a 500-year-old yew at Waverley Abbey, Surrey, ‘Tree of the Year’
A new law in France will require all car parks with 80 spaces or more to install solar panels
Oscar-winning actor Kate Winslet donated £17,000 to a Scottish mum who was struggling to pay rocketing energy bills required to operate her daughter’s life support machine. Freya, 12, has severe cerebral palsy, and needs an oxygen machine, but with energy bills soaring, mum, Carolynne Hunter, had to turn to a GoFundMe page for support. Thankfully, kind donations, like Kate’s, have taken the total to more than £21,000.
Rainn Wilson, best known for playing Dwight Schrute on the US version of The Office, has changed his name in protest of climate change. The actor is now officially called Rainnfall Heat Wave Extreme Winter Wilson.
New technology looks to improve safety on trains, as Siemens Mobility offers its revolutionary artificial intelligence CCTV (iCCTV) to rail companies. The tech analyses mannerisms and behaviour patterns to detect the risk of a safety threat, from harassment to disorderly conduct, and to alert staff before it happens.
Scientists behind one of the Covid-19 jabs are hopeful that there could be a vaccination against cancer by 2030. This huge news is on the horizon thanks to advancements in mRNA technology, and while they wouldn’t say they can develop a cure, it sounds like strong breakthroughs in cancer treatment are certainly on the cards.
Jessica Gagen, who was bullied because of her hair colour as a child, is now the first redhead to be named Miss England
A cheese toastie, apparently. In the race to be named the Nation’s Favourite Sandwich, a study by FoodHub found the humble toastie took the top spot, beating the likes of previous winner the bacon butty, and close competition from a sausage sandwich.
Earth’s population officially hit 8 billion people –more than three times the size it was in the 1950s
In a test of enthusiasm, jump height, and ‘stickability’ (AKA how much mud clings to you after) three-year-old Luna Rudd from Northamptonshire has been named the World Puddle Jumping Champion! For anyone wanting to follow in Luna’s muddy footsteps, we recommend a strong sense of fun, a solid pair of wellies, and a very clear splash zone...
Wimbledon is set to relax its rule enforcing all-white underwear for athletes, in a move to support the mental wellbeing of players on their periods. It’s welcome news to reduce stress and the potential trauma from a leak being publicised on such a large platform, and acknowledges the experience of those who menstruate on the sporting field.
Three dads who lost their daughters to suicide set out on treks across the UK to raise awareness and funds for suicide prevention charity PAPYRUS. Initially aiming for £3,000 each, Andy Airey, Mike Palmer, and Tim Owen, ended up reaching more than £1 million in donations, which will help so many young lives.
Dinner parties look set to be a thing of the past, as a survey from Stoves revealed that 80% consider the term old-fashioned, and 70% would go comfy and casual rather than dressing to impress. But the good news for those who do host is that 90% of people don’t expect you to ‘slave away’ in the kitchen, and would be happy with a ready meal – meaning less formality, and more quality time together.
We all struggle with body image from time to time. But what if your actual perception of how you (and things around you) look is being affected? We explain more about Alice in Wonderland syndrome, how it affects different people, and where you can find help to stop from falling down this rabbit hole
It can be hard to remember sometimes, but we each perceive the world in our own unique way. While some differences are more common – we’ve all heard of colour blindness –others can occur much less frequently.
Despite the whimsical name, Alice in Wonderland syndrome (AWS), also known as Todd’s syndrome, is a rare neurological disorder. First discovered in the 1950s by British psychiatrist Dr John Todd, and named because its symptoms resemble experiences that happened to Alice in Lewis Carroll’s famous novel, the syndrome can cause temporary changes in your visual perception, body image,
and how you experience time. It can lead people to feel like they are physically larger or smaller than they really are, or that the furniture or room around them is shifting to become nearer or further away.
Mostly found in children, there’s still a lot we don’t know about this rare neurological disorder, why it happens, or what we can do to fix it. But, as with most wellbeingrelated matters, with awareness comes some relief in itself.
Alice in Wonderland syndrome can affect your vision, hearing, and touch, as well as your perception of time – making you think it is passing faster or slower. Exactly how it can affect you
varies from person to person, as well as episode to episode.
Typically, these episodes can last anywhere from a few minutes to half an hour, and common symptoms you may experience include:
• Migraines
• Size, perceptual, sound, or time distortion
• Loss of coordination or limb control
Some people also experience a feeling of disconnection from their body, thoughts, feelings, and/ or environment, which can be unsettling.
While children and young adults are thought to experience it more often, some experts think that adults may actually experience AWS more than is reported. As
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford Illustrating | Rosan Msgarwe often see with mental health concerns, stigma could be playing a role here, causing people to not reach out due to worries about describing what they are seeing, and being afraid it might be mistaken for hallucinations, or dismissed completely.
What causes AWS?
The actual causes of Alice in Wonderland syndrome aren’t currently known. Some experts believe AWS may actually be an aura (an early sensory indication of a migraine), or a rare type of migraine in and of itself. Other researchers believe it could be caused by head trauma, infections, or unusual electrical activity in the brain affecting blood flow to the parts of your brain that process your environment and visual perceptions.
Other possible causes are thought to be stress, epilepsy, stroke, brain tumour, or cough medicine. Those with a family history of AWS or migraines
may have a higher risk of experiencing it themselves. But what’s important to recognise is that symptoms aren’t caused by hallucinations, problems with your vision, or mental or neurological illness, rather, they are caused by changes in how your brain is perceiving your body, and the environment you are in.
If you think you might be experiencing symptoms of AWS, the first step is to make an appointment with your GP. There currently isn’t a single test to diagnose AWS, so your doctor may need to refer you to specialists to rule out other possible causes of your symptoms. This could include getting an MRI scan, an EEG, and blood tests to rule out other viruses or infections.
While there aren’t currently any specific treatments to help with AWS, it’s recommended to rest and wait for symptoms to pass, as while they can be disconcerting, they aren’t technically harmful. Some doctors may suggest treating certain symptoms like migraines, as this may help to prevent further episodes.
If you or your GP feel that stress could be making your symptoms worse, they may recommend stress management or relaxation techniques,
meditation or practising mindfulness. Understanding your stress triggers, looking after your wellbeing (physically and mentally), adopting healthier coping mechanisms, and ensuring self-care is a part of your regular routine, can all help to reduce overall stress levels.
Common recommendations can include over-the-counter painkillers, anti-sickness medication prescribed by your GP, acupuncture, or working with a specialist migraine clinic.
Typically, Alice in Wonderland syndrome will get better over time. It’s extremely rare to have any further complications or problems, so if reading about this feels like peering in a looking glass, it won’t last forever and you can find support.
To find support for your mental health, visit the Counselling Directory.
Thinking about the ‘worst-case scenario’ isn’t generally a pleasant activity, but it could give you the reassurance you need to proceed with confidence
Writing | Katie Conibear
Planning for a mental health crisis might feel daunting, and it’s important not to get stuck in a negative spiral. But some gentle preparation can be reassuring, helping us to think about what we can do to better support ourselves, or what help we might need from others. We all have moments when we feel like life is overwhelming, and we need a reset button to start afresh. When you have a mental
illness, there can be times when you can find yourself unravelling to the point where you may look to harm yourself, experience suicidal thoughts, or be unsure of whether you are able to keep yourself safe.
Sometimes, when we’re very ill, we can’t express our wants and needs, so having a plan lets the people around us know what to do in times of crisis. Planning before things get rough means you’ll have the right help and support ready
to go, which gives you and your loved ones peace of mind.
Planning for difficult times is vital if you live with a long-term mental illness. Your crisis plan should be personalised, so it fits your needs. Here are a few things we can do ourselves to prepare for the future.
Talk to your doctor about treatment options and support in your area, and create a list of what’s available, along with important numbers and opening times for services.
You can also research local or online support groups, and peer support services. People with similar experiences can still offer a different perspective, and can share their insights, as well as advice and coping strategies.
It can also be helpful to put together a box with items you find comforting. Fill it with things that distract your mind from negative thoughts, like your favourite book, movie, and mementoes that remind you of happier times. Together, this prep work will enable you to have support to hand as times get tough.
together, write down what you’ve decided, and ensure everyone has a copy.
The plan should include contact details for your doctor and community support team if you’re too unwell to reach out directly. Let them know what treatments you’d prefer, and which you do not want, which can help them to speak up on your behalf. You should also include how you want them to help you – so add examples of what you will find helpful and what they shouldn’t do, which could be things to say, distractions, activities, etc.
You might want to choose someone you trust to advocate for you to doctors and other professionals, to ensure your needs are met. They can express your views and wishes, and stand up for your rights. It can also be helpful to let your loved ones know what to look out for before a crisis hits. Explain what to watch out for, such as drastic changes to your mood and behaviour, and what these might look like for you.
Make
the people closest to you
When a crisis happens, often loved ones want to do anything in their power to help – but they may be unsure exactly what that is, or what you specifically need. This is why it can be vital to make informal plans with your loved ones, so they clearly understand the next steps and ways they can support you best. Talk it through
An advance statement is a written statement formalising and explaining your wishes for times when you can’t express them yourself, that doctors and healthcare professionals will consider when deciding on a treatment. It’s not legally binding, but it should be looked at by the people in charge of your care.
Your advance statement should include your treatment preferences, such as whether there are medications you don’t
want to take, or if you wish to stay at home or in hospital. You might need to explain how a religious or spiritual belief should be part of your care. Consider also your general lifestyle matters, and how you like to do things, such as if you prefer a bath or shower; your likes and dislikes, such as a favourite scent, your favourite foods, or if you prefer being indoors or outdoors. Plus, who you would like to deal with your bills and benefits, and who you’d like to look after any children or pets if you are unable to yourself, for a period of time.
No one enjoys thinking about the worst-case scenario, and that’s what a mental health crisis is. But having a plan in place, just in case, for that ‘what if’ moment will make you feel more in control and calmer. You deserve to have your needs met, and the best support possible, and a crisis plan can be a way to ensure your treatment will start on the right track.
Sometimes, when we’re very ill, we can’t express our wants and needs
As a new year rolls around, we can put pressure on ourselves to radically change, with short-term resolutions that aren’t sustainable. So, instead, why not focus on a wishlist of qualities to include more of in your life? There’s no time limit, or pass or fail, simply motivations to start the year as you mean to go on…
To show myself the same kindness I show others.
To allow myself to learn from mistakes and not strive for perfection.
To start valuing my own voice and worth.
To trust the process. Change doesn’t happen overnight.
To find patience – for myself and those around me. We all need time and space to grow.
To embrace boundaries, and know setting them isn’t bad.
To meet my own needs and be proud of that.
To others’celebratesuccesses, without it taking away from my own.
To find something to be grateful for each day, even when it’s hard.
There have been countless studies on first impressions, most likely because we can’t stop agonising over them after we’ve met someone we want to impress for the first time. While some research will tell you that people make their minds up about you within the first 12 seconds, and others will point to your appearance as the source of the impression you give, the general consensus is that, regardless of how they are formed, they do count – but maybe they count too much…
The ‘halo or horn effect’ refers to when a first impression leads someone to have a biased
negative or positive opinion of someone – a bias that would then lead them to overlook any actions or characteristics that might prove otherwise. The concept has its origins in the work of 1920s American psychologist Edward Thorndike. In an experiment, Thorndike asked commanding officers to rate the physique, intelligence, leadership, and character traits of soldiers, before having any interactions with them. What he saw was that when the officer gave a soldier a high rating in one category, they tended to also give them high ratings in the others, too. He named this the ‘halo effect’.
On the flip side, Thorndike went
on to find this pattern was also true when it came to negative characteristics: the ‘horn effect’. Now, while the theory may be a century old, if we take some time to ruminate on it, many of us may be able to point to examples in our own lives where snap judgements have left a lasting impression, both good and bad – regardless of any countering evidence. And, like the scenario in Thorndike’s original experiments, one place this kind of thinking is rife is in the workplace.
One person might become the star, a regular employee of the month, any slip-ups easily glossed over, while opportunities flow towards them and treatment from >>>
Is this common mind trap impacting your progress at work?
higher-ups is favourable, to say the least. It could be said that this person is the recipient of the ‘halo effect’. On the flip side, the other might have made a mistake, such as turning up late one day. Their negative traits have been decided: they’re lazy and unreliable. When it comes to distributing important tasks, or those which would aid career progression, they’re overlooked – perhaps in favour of those in the ‘halo effect’.
And it’s not too difficult to understand how this happens in the first place. When we don’t have all the information about a person or a scenario, our brains automatically try to fill in the gaps using the information that is in front of us. One virtuous act in isolation can lead us to apply the same standards to all parts of a person – it’s easy to make the jump when there’s nothing else trying to catch your attention. But a major problem with making these judgements is that they’re superficial. It’s exactly those countering clues that come together to form the complex people that we are. We don’t live in a black-and-white world where people can be categorised as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’.
If what you’ve been reading here is striking a chord, and you think you might be stuck in the ‘horn effect’, know that you’re not trapped in a hopeless scenario, and there are a number of steps that you can take to challenge those initial impressions, as well
as work on your own mindset when it comes to the relationships that you have with others.
Anji McGrandles is a workplace mental wellbeing expert, and founder of The Mind Tribe, and she suggests starting by facing your feelings. “Use the opportunity to get some perspective. Bad first impressions are common, and not the end of the world – we can’t be all things to all people, and it’s important to recognise that,” she explains.
This is a good time to consider the relationship that you have with yourself. When we feel secure within ourselves, and are confident in the choices that we make and the people that we are, other people’s reactions don’t have such a harsh impact on us. That said, in a working environment, that can only carry you so far before you need to consider addressing it.
“If you are caught up in a negative interaction don’t be afraid to acknowledge it and take action to change it,” Anji says. “For example, if you are in a meeting and it’s not going well, rather than let it escalate, address it and make an effort to improve the situation.
“If you want to change someone’s opinion, then interact more with them so they can see more of your positive traits. Get to know them more, and over time they will experience more consistent positive interactions, which can influence their impression of you,” Anji continues.
“With important relationships, you might need to ask for feedback. Bad first impressions can often come from genuine mistakes, so don’t be afraid to ask for feedback and, if necessary, apologise.”
As uncomfortable as it may be, most of us can probably recall a time when we’ve made the same judgements about other people, finding first impressions hard to let go of once we’ve categorised the person. In our personal lives, this can halt relationships from developing in a healthy way – either because we’ve written someone off, or we’re overlooking red flags in someone’s behaviour. But, when it comes to the workplace, the high stakes mean that we can affect others’ progression, and their happiness in their roles.
“Recognising that we do this is a big step in challenging this behaviour,” Anji says. “Screening job applications is a good starting point, as the ‘halo and horn effect’ is prevalent during the recruitment process.
“Remember, different personalities bring with them fresh perspectives and experiences that make work more creative and
interesting, so focus on individuals’ skills and the role they can play within the workplace, rather than things like their appearance.”
Anji also points out that, often, our impressions and opinions can be influenced by our moods, so it’s always worth checking in with yourself to consider whether you might have felt the same way had the first meeting been on another day. For example, if you’ve rushed into work having just missed your bus, got caught in the rain as you walked from the bus stop, and sat down only to realise you left your lunch at home, it would be fair to say you may not be in the most favourable mood.
“Think ‘big picture’ when it comes to making decisions or taking action,” Anji suggests. “It’s important to be fair in the workplace – if you are reviewing a team member or selecting someone for a job, then focus on the facts. Ahead of meetings or decision-making, put together a list of neutral objective questions that will help you reach your goal.
“Don’t be afraid to bring in a colleague to give you a different/ neutral perspective on important workplace decisions. We all have bad days, so keep an open mind and give people a second chance.”
At the end of the day, if Thorndike’s research is to be followed, making snap judgements is just something that we humans do. But with awareness and care, we can make choices to minimise the effects and, when it comes to the workplace, create an accepting, forgiving, and welcoming environment for all.
If you have been single long enough, odds are someone will have asked you ‘why’ you are still single. This question has always irked me, because it implies that being in a relationship is the default, when actually it’s the opposite. We come into this world single and, one way or another, we leave this world alone, too. Not everyone wants a relationship, and during my eight years of being single, I hated being asked this question, but what I hated even more was when people would try to answer it for you. “Maybe you aren’t putting yourself out there enough?” “You will meet someone when you least expect it” “Maybe you’re too picky?”
So, whether you’re sick of hearing these same questions, or you want to understand why, even with the best intentions, they can be problematic, let’s unpick these common sentiments singles hear all too often:
“Maybe you aren’t putting yourself out there enough?”
The implication here is that if you are single, it is your own fault, and
you aren’t working hard enough to rectify the problem that is ‘being single’. Just because you are single, doesn’t mean you have to be dating. You are allowed to just want to be single. And even if you are dating, it is undeniable that dating consumes a lot of time and energy, so it’s understandable if it’s not always the top of your priority list. There will be times when your work comes first, and there will be times when you come first. Being single is not a fault that needs fixing.
“You will meet someone when you least expect it” First they blame you for not making enough effort, and then they blame you for making too much. After all, you don’t want to be desperate. Can you imagine if we said this about any other goal you wanted to achieve? Sending in your CV to a job you want would be seen as ‘desperate’. It makes no sense. This is a phrase often uttered by people in hindsight, but the truth is rarely close to it. There is no shame in actively pursuing a relationship.
“Maybe you are too picky?”
Well, if you are not desperate and you are putting yourself out there enough, then you must be too picky! You’d hope I would be picky! Think about how much time you spend with a person when you are in a relationship. Typically, it’s the person you spend the most time with. With our growing loss of community, we as a society now place more emphasis on our primary romantic relationship, so you better pick someone who you like being around. I am a big believer in the phrase ‘you become the five people you spend the most time with’ and so if a person is going to consume so much of your time and energy, damn right you need to pick wisely!
Ultimately, we need to reframe society’s view on what it means to be single. We need to stop seeing it as a sign of our unlovability, or that there is something wrong with us. You can actively choose to be single, and by doing so, the chance you will enjoy your single period will increase. It will also
make dating infinitely easier!
When we see being single as a conscious life choice, then we stop seeing it as a worst-case scenario.
Conversely, if we aren’t OK with being alone, then we become vulnerable to picking anyone who will have us in order to avoid loneliness. You deserve better
than that. You deserve someone who you respect, and are proud to introduce as your partner.
And before I end, I want to thank Happiful for giving me my own column. It has always been such a life goal of mine to have a column, and to have achieved it in a magazine I have always loved
so dearly, makes this column even more special. I truly believe that if we only give space and air to the negative events in the world, that’s what we focus on, and that’s why Happiful is so important to making a difference to the media we absorb.
A huge thank you also to Grace Victory who has held this space for years, and has left some massive shoes to fill. It is such a privilege to know Grace personally, and to say she is oneof-a-kind is an understatement. She lifts people up, and champions those around her like no other, and I’m thrilled that she’s now spending much needed time with her two babies.
We’re excited to introduce Michelle Elman, an author, TEDx speaker, and five-board accredited life coach, as Happiful’s new columnist. Follow her on Instagram @michellelelman
When we see being single as a conscious life choice, then we stop seeing it as a worstcase scenario
As part of a new series of articles, we’ll be exploring how to deepen our connection with the world around us, and embrace the seasonal gifts nature has to offer. So, first let’s set foot into a winter wonderland…
Writing | Caroline Butterwick
Wrapped in my dressing gown, I pad out on to my front step, into the biting cold darkness of the morning, and listen to the quiet. There is the occasional rumble of a car driving down the nearby dual carriageway, and the twitter of birds waking up, their song abrading the dawn. It is peaceful, tranquil, and I stare down my suburban street, at the orbs of streetlights and the rows of houses where some are still asleep, while others’ windows glow as people make their breakfasts and prepare for another winter’s day.
Despite the often hectic weeks around Christmas and New Year, there is a sense of quiet during winter. Beyond festive parties and presents, this is the perfect time to reflect, and take stock of our lives. Most of us are familiar with the idea that nature is beneficial to our physical and mental health. But for many, it isn’t entwined in our days. For me, that’s definitely the case. When I go for a hike or spend time in my garden, my mood is lifted, but I don’t do this enough. So, what can I do to increase my connection with nature?
I’ve experienced serious mental health issues in the past – five years ago, I was in hospital, struggling with severe depression. And while low mood and anxiety are still a part of my life, I have moved on a long way since then. Doing things like connecting with nature to benefit my wellbeing seems particularly important as I try to move forwards and reclaim myself. Can a year of living more seasonally help?
Observing how nature shifts with the seasons is a joy. Though the skeletal trees may make us think of winter as a time of lack, there is so much happening beneath the surface as the northern hemisphere prepares for spring. I’m drawn to the idea of the Wheel of the Year, which is how some neo-pagans mark the changing seasons through the observation of eight sabbats spread throughout the year.
From Yule, otherwise known as the winter solstice, on 21 December, the hours of daylight begin to increase, as each day lengthens little by little. This year, I am getting up to watch the sunrise on the solstice –something I have always wanted to do. Clutching a flask of coffee as the sun emerges on the horizon, this will be a chance to reflect on the past year, and set intentions for what I want the next to bring, my hopes expanding as the daily sunlight waxes.
birds. There is a joy to knowing the breed of each goose I throw seeds to. Lots of beautiful Canada geese are here, and others too, searching the ground for food. There’s the greylag goose, eyeing the bag of waterfowl food I clutch. It’s a delight to place a handful of feed on the ground for it to peck at gratefully. This time of year especially, helping wildlife get through the cold months is important. It reminds me of the difference we can all make.
And I think, too, there is something mindful about simple acts like feeding the geese. I’m not worrying about that upcoming deadline, or the email I need to reply to. Instead, I am focused on making sure each bird gets a good amount of seed, and the joy of watching their little heads bob as they peck away at the ground, circles of them surrounding each pile of food.
Imbolc is a sabbat marked on 1 February, and celebrates the stirrings of spring. We can plant seeds and think about our hopes growing. I will light a candle and reflect on how the daylight is increasing, and what I need to do to make those intentions I set at Yule become a reality. These little rituals are a way of working with nature, of thinking about how it relates to our lives.
Learning about nature is also a great way for us to connect with it more. I’m lucky to have a park near where I live where I often go to walk and feed the
After I feed the geese, I walk a lap around the lake, admiring the coots and ducks I spot along the way, sleeping on the shore or waddling along the path. Even in winter, there is beauty for us to experience.
Nature can remind us of life beyond our day-to-day worries. And so, this year, I am making more of an effort to get out there. Each day, I will do something to connect with the seasons, from marking the sabbats to helping wildlife, with the hope it brings me closer to the world.
Join in a year of living seasonally, and tag Happiful on social media –we can’t wait to see your adventures!
can remind us of life beyond our day-to-day worries
Get emotional support on the Therapy Directory
AThe chakras are vortexes of energy. They are believed to be the energy centres in your body responsible for all life experiences, physical and spiritual.
The Sanskrit word ‘chakra’ means ‘wheel’, and according to Indian traditions there are around
A Experiencing too much stress, physically or mentally, may cause one or more chakras to be out of balance.
Personal habits such as poor physical alignment or posture,
114 chakras in the human anatomy. However, the most important ones are the seven main chakras that run from the base of the spine to the top of the head. These are known as the primary, or main, chakras because it is thought that they have a direct influence on the physical, mental, and emotional bodies. They also control and eating unhealthily, prolonged stress, or self-destructive behaviour, may cause the chakras to become imbalanced. Too much or too little life force flowing in the chakras can cause imbalances within them.
Every chakra has unique symptoms indicating under or over activity. Here are some common warning signs that your chakras might be off balance:
regulate the flow of universal or spiritual energy within us.
According to chakras’ location in the body, they relate to certain organs and glands, as well as to systems in our bodies. The seven main chakras are the ones we are able to work with on a regular basis to improve our mental, physical, and spiritual wellbeing.
• You are feeling ‘off’ lately
• You are getting sick frequently
• You feel there’s a black cloud above you
• Experiencing digestion problems
• Regular headaches, restless sleep, tired often, and nightmares
• Feeling fearful and anxious
• Feeling depressed and lonely
• Experiencing a lack of energy
• Having a lack of purpose
• Creative energy is not flowing
Therapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
QI’ve heard chakras can become blocked. How can you tell if this happens?
1. Cultivate a regular self-care routine that involves a simple yet effective chakra healing practice. It could be a chakra visualisation meditation, chakra mantra meditation, or positive affirmations for the chakras, for example. Work with the chakras, enjoy the experience of becoming more intuitive, and tuning-in to the subtle energies of your bodies.
2. Invest in good texts and chakra resources and put into practice what you have learned. See how that information is related to you and your life.
3. Take your time to understand the chakra basics. This will help you to connect better with your energy centres, and pinpoint the chakra that needs your attention. A seven-week journey through the chakras tends to work really well for beginners. Each week you concentrate on one particular chakra, starting with the root chakra, at the base of the spine, and moving up to the crown chakra, at the top of the head.
AUnblocking your chakras is about removing stagnant and dense energies from your chakras to allow free flow of prana (life force).
If you’re experiencing imbalances in one chakra, this will impact other chakras, bringing a general imbalance in the whole system. Often the area in your body where you are experiencing the problem is an indicator that the chakra associated with that part is the one giving you trouble. However, this is not always the case. For example: an overactive solar plexus chakra can manifest in someone as being very greedy and arrogant. They tend to dominate and suppress others in order to be in control of every situation. These actions can automatically block the heart chakra, which is a spiritual chakra associated with love, compassion, and kindness.
In order to unblock your chakras, it is necessary to understand what is the root cause and where and how in your body this is manifesting.
QHow can we unblock our chakras?Thimela’s top tips for working with chakras, day-to-day:
In the 20th century, tuberculosis was a big problem in the UK, claiming countless lives, and seeing many others confined to sanatoriums.
As you might expect, this would have been a frightening and frustrating time, but among the sickness and sadness, doctors observed that patients who drew and painted were better able to cope with both their illness, and their stay at the hospitals. The practice quickly spread and, in 1964, the British Association of Art Therapists was founded.
From 1948 until he retired in 1981, Edward Adamson became the first artist to be employed by the NHS. When Edward first began his work, people living with mental health problems did not have rights, and were subjected to
brutal treatment. But Edward saw another way forward. For him, art therapy was about creative expression – not evidence to pass on to psychiatrists to be analysed – but art for art’s sake, and for healing. In his lifetime, Edward gathered more than 5,000 works of art from his patients, from drawing to ceramics, sculptures to paintings, preserved today by the Adamson Collection Trust.
These days, the NHS states that there are more than 4,400 registered art therapists in the UK, including art, drama, and music therapists, like Chloe Sparrow.
“I remember so clearly what it was like to experience really big feelings, but not have the vocabulary, or confidence, to talk
about it,” Chloe says. “For me, art psychotherapy offered a bridge between those big feelings and the expression of those feelings. Being able to express ourselves, and feel understood by another, feels like such a healing human experience. Combining that with one of my great loves, art, feels like such a privilege and pleasure.
“Art psychotherapy is a form of psychotherapy practised by qualified, registered art psychotherapists,” she explains. “It can provide you with an opportunity to use artmaking to explore issues or themes that are relevant and personal to you, and can be used to explore a wide range of difficulties.
“You don’t need to be ‘good’ at art in order to benefit from art psychotherapy. The purpose >>>
of the artmaking is to facilitate personal growth, and a greater understanding of the self, and you may find that particular themes begin to emerge through the colours, shapes, and concepts, in your artwork.”
Chloe explains how, in most sessions, the therapist will provide you with a variety of art materials and options that you can then pick from. With this as your starting point, you might work from a prompt provided by the therapist or, instead, approach your work with pure creativity and spontaneity. From there, there may then be time for discussion and reflection though, of course, the precise structure of a session will be entirely unique from person to person.
When it comes to therapy, one size really doesn’t fit all, and art therapy offers a positive alternative.
“Because art psychotherapy combines psychotherapeutic techniques with creative processes, it can provide you with the opportunity to express and process your thoughts and feelings in a creative way, rather than relying on words alone,” Chloe says. “This can feel like a huge relief for someone who doesn’t feel like they have the words to talk about what troubles them most.”
As an example, Chloe explains how, during a therapy session, she and her clients often create a ‘reference point’, a physical object that can be looked at and held. As Chloe sees it, this is a particularly
helpful exercise for those who experienced trauma, as they are able to dismiss or re-engage with their artwork in accordance with their needs during the session.
“Art also provides us with ample opportunity to find symbolism and metaphor, which in therapy become new or safer ways of saying something about ourselves. Furthermore, when we create artwork we bring something into the world. The artwork becomes an object with its own physical presence. By putting artwork ‘out there’ within the context of therapy, it can be explored and discussed, offering us new perspectives and deeper insight
into our inner world. Oftentimes, the artwork becomes a container for deep emotions, giving the client a new opportunity to move forward in life.”
In an exciting project, led by Oxford University’s psychiatry department, and Falmouth University’s creative practitioners representing art, animation, film, dance, and photography, ATTUNE is a UK Research and Innovation funded study looking at how arts-
based practices can support young people aged 10–24 who have had adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), which are potentially traumatic events that occur in childhood.
“By the age of eight, seven in 10 children report at least one ACE, and one in 10 children report three or more ACEs,” Anna Mankee-Williams, senior research fellow and ATTUNE project lead at Falmouth University, tells us. “Evidence suggests that ACEs have mental health impacts across the lifespan, and reduce life expectancy by up to 20 years.” Understanding the mechanisms by which ACEs, and individual and wider environmental factors, impact mental health and influence resilience and recovery, are important as we plan health, care, and educational provision into the future.
As Anna explains, art therapies are emerging as important approaches for the treatment of childhood trauma, and the evidence so far suggests that artsbased interventions, like the ones offered on the ATTUNE project, can improve young people’s sense
Being able to express ourselves feels like such a healing human experience
“When I get stressed, I go to the funfairs to spin as it dissociates me enough to stop remembering my stress.” (Annie’s image)
I have four bunnies Chewi, Annie, Shadow, and Minty and they are very helpful for my stress. (Annie’s image)
“I came out to my mum as bisexual and I got this flag to show I’m proud of who I am.” (Lucy’s image)
of achievement, self-confidence, self-esteem, social skills, conflict resolution, problem-solving, relationships, and their sense of belonging. So far, the young people on the project have participated in a number of different art forms –Annie and Lucy*, both 13 years old, are two such participants.
“So far, with ATTUNE I have done a photography course,” Annie says. “The aim of the photography project was to have a zine on mental health, and what can make mental health better. I think that taking photos actually really does help mental health, although it doesn’t work for everyone. But it definitely worked for me, because I had the motivation to get out and
take photos, and I knew I almost had to for the project.
“I’m interested in these projects because I have gone through a lot of stuff, which has caused me to go through CAMHS and other mental health services, and I want to try to find different methods of help for other people other than me. I want to try to help research to do with the fact that some people don’t cope the same, but photography, and recording, and everything like that can help with those types of things.”
Lucy has also completed a photography course, as well as a gaming project – experiences she says she looks forward to adding on to future college applications.
“I think they were quite fun, and they gave me a new aspect of what the community is doing for young people,” Lucy says. “The best thing about this project is meeting other people who are interested in the same stuff, and it shows that you’re not alone.”
There are so many ways for us to express ourselves. Moving forward from the compassionate foundation that Edward Adamson laid such a long time ago, into a digital age – with the help of therapists and professionals, or in small ways in our daily lives – forget the end project, the only thing that matters is that you’re expressing yourself. After all, aren’t we all a work in progress?
*Names have been changed.
I want to try to find different methods of help for other people
From an activity book about self-healing, to discovering your hygge home, here are four books you won’t want to miss this month
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
Have you ever stopped to notice the way the wind feels as it brushes though your hair, or the faces you pass by on the street? A busy lifestyle can prevent us from enjoying the simple pleasures in life, but sometimes all we need to relieve ourselves from everyday stress is to simply slow down, and take the
The urge to embrace the warm and cosy art of hygge is in full force this winter, and who better to teach us about the Danish concept of cosiness than the CEO of the Happiness Research Institute? Packed with advice and tips, discover how to add a touch of hygge to your home.
The Year I Stopped to Notice by Miranda Keeling Out now time to notice the little things around us.
Inspired by the popular Twitter account, The Year I Stopped to Notice documents the sublime beauty of ordinary moments in everyday life, and the emotions that come with
it, all from the eyes of author Miranda Keeling. If you need a sign to slow down and savour the moment, take this book as inspiration.
If you find it easier to express yourself through written words, poet Rupi Kaur welcomes you to express yourself creatively through writing by giving you the space to explore your healing journey. The beautiful book is filled with written activities that explore themes of healing, trauma, loss, heartache, and more.
now
Are you in need of a new hobby? Yarn at the ready, it’s time to get creative. Discover the joy of knitting and crochet, and seek creative inspiration from Tom Daley’s book, Made With Love, with more than 30 wonderful crafting projects to choose from.
Are you always putting others’ needs before your own, to the point where you have no time for yourself? You could be a ‘super-helper’, and it might be doing you more harm than good…
Some of us are better at helping others than we are at looking after ourselves. Maybe this sounds familiar to you personally, or perhaps it conjures up an image of someone you know. These are the ones who are susceptible to the ‘super-helper
syndrome’ – where people feel compelled to help others, but don’t look after their own needs.
And super-helpers are all around us. Most obviously you will find them in the caring professions, giving strength to our schools, clinics, care homes, and hospitals. But they are also in offices,
gyms, community groups, and charities. Helping whenever and wherever they can, either at work or in their own time. They are the problem-solvers, the mediators, and the fixers, who can’t resist any opportunity to help.
But, as kind as it is to want to support others, the old adage ‘you
• You help in all aspects of your life – your job, family, friends, volunteering, colleagues, clients, neighbours… An endless list.
• You are the one that everyone turns to, the first port of call when they are in distress.
• You struggle to say no to requests for help.
• People open up to you, even when you’ve just met them.
• You ask lots of questions, but notice that other people don’t show as much interest in what’s going on in your life.
• Your relationships lack balance – you help people, but they seldom help you. You make all the effort (remembering birthdays, keeping in touch, sending well-wishes for that job interview, etc.).
• You get swept up in other people’s drama. You’re constantly offering advice or trying to fix their situation.
• You feel guilty if unable to help.
• You put everyone else’s needs above your own.
• You deny you have any needs of your own, using excuses like ‘I’m fine, you carry on.’
• If someone asked you, you’d struggle to say what you need. If pressed, everything you could think of would really be about meeting other’s needs.
• You turn to false needs.
• You feel guilty for looking after yourself.
can’t pour from an empty cup’ is well-known for a good reason. It’s important to spot the signs of being a super-helper early, so you can take action before you reach a state of collapse. Here, we’re sharing the four most common adverse consequences.
Many helpers run on empty and take this for granted. Are you tired all the time? Do you have no time for yourself? Is your sleep disturbed? Do you suffer from muscle tension or headaches? Do you feel irritable, tetchy or just weighed down?
Are you stretched out like an elastic band that’s eventually going to snap? It’s easy to say you don’t want anything in return for helping, but the reality is it’s hard to keep going indefinitely if you get little reward. At the very least, you deserve thanks and recognition. Do you find yourself ruminating on how much you do for others?
If you never express any needs, then it’s easy (and convenient, too) for other people to act as if you don’t have any, to take advantage of your help. If you give the impression you want nothing in return, you’ll often get nothing in return. That’s why it’s important to take a hard look at whether some of the people you are helping are exploiting you. Do they really need help at all? Do they need your help?
It’s ironic that those who are so good at looking after others are often less kind to themselves. Helpers’ self-criticism typically operates on two levels. Do you criticise yourself for not helping enough (helper’s guilt)? Do you criticise yourself for experiencing the other three adverse impacts of the ‘super-helper syndrome’ – for feeling exhausted, resentful, or exploited?
If you are at the point where you are finding it difficult to look after your own needs, take a step back. Like everyone else, there are times when you need comfort, rest, reassurance, sustenance, or time to yourself. And if you don’t express your needs, how can anyone else know how to take care of you when you are struggling?
Jess Baker and Rod Vincent are chartered psychologists and the authors of ‘The Super-Helper Syndrome: A Survival Guide for Compassionate People’ (Flint Books, hardback, £18.99).
It’s ironic that those who are so good at looking after others are often less kind to themselves
Self-doubt can be a sneaky thing, holding you back from your full potential. But when those pesky ‘what ifs’ crop up to make you falter, flip the script and know you have the power to take that step forward
What if I make the wrong decision?
CHANGE TO
What if there were no wrong choices, just different, exciting paths to take?
What if I don’t achieve my dreams?
CHANGE TO
What if I fail?
CHANGE TO
What if I succeed?
What if it’s not worth it?
CHANGE TO What if you find your own meaning and value in actions?
What
CHANGE TO
What if you do everything you hoped for, and more?
What if I make a fool of myself?
CHANGE TO What if everyone is cheering you on, regardless of what happens?
if I’m not good enough?
What if I have been all along?
Giving up alcohol can be a massive challenge – but also brings many benefits. So, what can you do to help a friend or loved one on the journey?
Writing | Caroline ButterwickWhen my husband decided to stop drinking alcohol, I wanted to do all I could to help him. But worries about what to say – or what not to say – and the supportive actions I should take, made it a challenge to know how I could best be there for him.
There are many reasons why someone may cut back, or stop drinking alcohol altogether. For some, challenges like Dry January and Sober October give us the chance to rethink our relationship with alcohol, while others may be experiencing alcohol addiction.
Whatever the reason, when someone we care about tells us they are going to stop drinking, it’s important that we respond in a supportive way.
“Making changes in relation to problematic alcohol drinking, for some, can be extremely challenging and difficult,” says Andrew Harvey, a psychotherapeutic counsellor and addictions specialist. “Support from people around the person making changes can be extremely helpful, but has the potential to be difficult to do.
“Problematic drinking can be devastating for people affected by it, the drinker and those around them,” Andrew adds. “There is help, there is support, not only for the drinker but also for affected others. Depending upon the severity of the issue, recovery with additional support might be the best option.”
Harmful drinking can often impact the people around them, says Andrew. “This can range
from negatively affecting people’s mental health, emotional wellbeing, and can be devastating to relationships. Equally, recovery and positive change in people’s relationship with alcohol can enable stability, hope, and a strengthening of relationships for those around them.”
When our loved one tells us they are going to stop drinking, we need to show them empathy and compassion. “Patience is also often important, as change doesn’t always happen in a straight line or at a pace we would like,” says Andrew. “Sometimes people’s motivations and desire for change wavers. Often asking someone how they would like to be supported in making the change is helpful to >>>
them, and then following through on that, when we can.”
Try to have an open conversation with them, letting them lead, to help you understand how you can best be there for them. While you can gently ask about their reasons for deciding to stop drinking, avoid being pushy with this, as some people may not want to go into a lot of detail about why they have made this decision. Respect that they are making this change.
And, for many, it’s a hugely positive change to make. “The benefits to people making changes to their relationship with alcohol are often in proportion to the damage that the drinking is doing,” says Andrew. “It can range from marginal health gains to saving their lives.”
It can be dangerous for some people to stop or reduce their alcohol consumption too quickly, so they should speak to their GP before they go ahead, to make sure they can get the right treatment and support. If they’re anxious about doing this, you could offer to go to the appointment with them.
There are many ways we can support someone on this journey. Andrew advises checking in with them, if they find that helpful, and that we can help them realise
and acknowledge their progress. He suggests taking time to do enjoyable, non-drinking-related activities with them, too.
A lot of socialising in our society is based around alcohol. When my husband stopped drinking, we talked about whether it
would be OK to go to places that serve alcohol, especially in the first year. Communication is important, as everyone will have different needs.
“Ask the person concerned what they feel they need,” says Andrew. “For some, being around
alcohol will be very difficult, and potentially cause cravings.”
Perhaps going to a place like a coffee shop is a better option. But also, be aware of unintentionally excluding the person from social events. If you regularly go to the pub together for a quiz night, don’t assume that you should no longer invite them.
For my husband, finding nonalcoholic drinks to enjoy when we’re out has been helpful.
Increasing numbers of pubs, bars, and restaurants serve these – it’s rare these days that he’s stuck with a pint of lemonade as the only option. In the first year after he stopped drinking, I avoided having alcohol when we were out. Instead, we’d enjoy trying out mocktail menus together. Small things, like serving non-alcoholic wine in a wine glass, can help the person feel more included.
Not everyone finds alcohol-free versions of traditionally alcoholic drinks a good option. They may find it triggers a craving for alcohol, or simply prefer other soft drinks. This is where communication is key.
Although it’s not meant with bad intentions, we’ve had occasions where someone will say, “Oh, just have a small one!” when offering a drink at Christmas. Comments like this can make things harder for the person. It’s important to respect their decision not to drink.
Sometimes they may struggle, and that’s OK. “It’s important to note that change is often not straightforward, and lapse or relapse occurs. This can be a learning opportunity,” says Andrew. “It might point to needing to do things differently, it might indicate that more support is required.
“It can be helpful to think about the difference between lapse and relapse. A lapse is a setback, a drinking episode. A relapse is when someone is stuck in that lapse. Reacting to a lapse in a helpful way can help the drinker to move back into moving forward.”
Looking after yourself is important, too. Setting boundaries is a key part of this. Andrew says it’s about knowing you can’t do the change for the person – you can be their compassionate coach, but you can’t play the match for them. If you’re finding things hard, reach out for support.
The Drink Aware website (drinkaware.co.uk) is a really useful resource for both the person who’s stopping drinking, and yourself. Here you can find helplines, advice, and search for support available where you live.
I’m very proud of my husband for dealing with his drinking. It’s more than eight years since he last drank alcohol, and we’ve learnt so much on the way. He tells me how he feels healthier for it, and how his mental health has benefited.
Supporting someone who has stopped drinking is a really worthwhile thing to do, for both of you.
How would your life be different if you truly believed that you are enough, exactly as you are right now? World renowned therapist and creator of Rapid Transformational Therapy® Marisa Peer shares why, and how, telling yourself this simple fact could change everything, for good…
Writing | Lucy DonoughueI’ll confess that ‘not enough’ is a statement that has peppered many of my life choices. I wasn’t qualified enough to apply for a job I once wanted, I wasn’t clever enough to sign up to a psychology course that piqued my interest, and romantically, well there were a thousand ‘not enoughs’ that built invisible, impenetrable barriers all around me throughout my 20s.
If this resonates with you in any way, then Marisa Peer’s words could well be the antidote to the ‘not enough’ epidemic that seems to impact so many of us. With more than 30 years’ experience in the field of psychotherapy and hypnotherapy, Marisa has also developed her own
therapeutic approach, Rapid Transformational Therapy®, a practice that has gained global acclaim.
Having started her career working in the health and fitness industry in the 1980s, Marisa quickly realised that there was too great an emphasis on shrinking ourselves physically and mentally, rather than loving and backing ourselves. The transition from self-loathing to self-love, she now insists, stems from upgrading your self-talk, and she’s passionate about this message.
From the development of RTT® to her I Am Enough movement, Marisa is evidently on a lifelong mission to help people live
happier, healthier, and longer lives. So we’re grateful that she’s sharing her knowledge with Happiful, too, and how you can begin to banish the ‘not enoughs’, by taking on board these five actionable suggestions from Marisa:
When we’re born on the planet, we have one need and that’s to make it, to survive. As a baby you know that you’ll survive if you can find connection and avoid rejection. As a result, we are all scared of rejection, but the truth is that, as an adult, nobody can reject you unless you give them your consent.
Do not let rejection in, let it go over your head. If it hurts, remind yourself it’s just someone’s opinion, and it doesn’t matter. Let it go. When someone says something harsh, say something nice to yourself, tell yourself that you are a good person. Remember that people can be mean, unkind, and hurtful, but critical people have the most criticism reserved for themselves.
You have a choice every day, and not letting destructive criticisms in can actually change your life.
Every day your mind is busy making your thoughts real, and your body responds to your thoughts. We know that because if we think of something sad, our eyes might fill up with tears; if we think of something embarrassing, our cheeks might go red. So our job, which is a great job, is to start thinking >>>
You have a choice every day, and not letting destructive criticisms in can actually change your life
Visit iamenough.com for online talks and marisapeer.com to find out more about her work, training and books.
Listen to the full conversation with Marisa on Happiful’s podcast ‘I am. I have’.
better thoughts. Instead of thinking ‘What if I mess up this interview and they don’t like me?’, how about ‘What if they think I’m just the most amazing candidate?’
Everything begins with a thought, and we’re all trying to change our actions, when what we really need to do is change our thinking. The good news is that our thoughts are ours to change, upgrade, and reframe all the time.
If you reframe a situation, your mind will make it true, because it doesn’t know or care if what you tell it is false, useful, or useless.
Think of it this way, if you put lotion on dry skin, your mind doesn’t ask whether it’s from Prada or if you got it free on an aeroplane, it just sinks in and nourishes the skin. Words can be the same.
If you feel like you messed something up, rather than berating yourself, say that you’ll do it better next time. Become a loving parent and friend to yourself.
Praise yourself!
Become your own cheerleader. Tell yourself how well you are doing, celebrate what is good, and remember that you don’t
have to be good at everything.
We’ve got to increase self-praise and minimise the criticism, because nothing will wither and diminish your spirit more than your inner critic.
If you think you are not enough, how does that make you feel?
You might feel awful, sad, defeated, anxious, or you might behave in an angry, defensive manner. But if you change that thought to ‘I am enough’, you’re likely to feel positive, confident, brave, and reassured.
You’re more likely to take lifeenhancing risks – asking for that promotion, asking someone out, or talking to new people.
You might think that it’s not true, but if you’re telling yourself you’re not enough, that’s not true either! I cannot recommend saying ‘I am enough’ to yourself more. If everybody woke up every day and said these four little phrases, the whole world would change:
Working with a trained Rapid Transformational Therapy® therapist will help you to better interpret and understand events, how they have or are affecting you, and how you can change your reaction to these in the future. RTT® may be able to help you overcome specific issues if you are struggling with feelings of anxiety, depression, or panic attacks by, for example, helping you to change automatic feelings of fear into excitement, or breaking away from behaviours that are causing physical or emotional pain.
Helping to address the root cause of issues, rather than current symptoms that may be ailing you, RTT® is a complete, solution-focused approach. It may be able to help with a wide range of issues, from physical health problems to anxiety, phobias, and weight management.
With the help of an RTT® therapist, you can learn more about how the meaning or interpretation of events may be causing you pain or discomfort, helping you to confront emotions that you may be struggling to cope with, to challenge coping mechanisms that may not be working for you, and to make positive changes.
Find out more about Rapid Transformational Therapy® and search for a RTT® Therapist on the Hypnotherapy Directory. For information on training to become at RTT® Therapist, visit RTT.com
I am enough, I’m lovable, I’m significant, and I matter.
Those starting out on their healing journey
Those struggling to find the right help Those experiencing suicidal thoughts
Those afraid to reach out
Those who don’t feel seen or heard
Those feeling lost or unsure
Those who feel alone in what they’re facing
Those who are struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel
Those who don’t know how to help a loved one
If money is on your mind, but you still want to do your bit to help the planet, you might wonder what you can realistically afford to do. The good news is that there are plenty of green choices that don’t break the bank, and some that could actually save you money in the long run
Writing | Rebecca ThairWhen it comes to sustainable living, it’s important to try to use whatever you have first. Reuse, repurpose, and repair wherever possible. But, when you do need to eventually replace something, the following eco-friendly swaps are not only better for the environment, some could also save you money over time! So, what are you waiting for? Visit our sustainable swap shop…
Did you know that going veggie for one day a week could save the equivalent of 100kgs of CO2 each year? In fact, according to the Exeter City Council website, if you decided to do a meat-free week each month, that could save 153kgs of CO2 per year, and going vegan for a week each month would add up to around 230kgs of CO2 saved!
While supermarket prices vary, plant-based produce is typically cheaper than meat, with meatfreemondays.com suggesting that vegans can actually save about $1,280 a year on their food bills. Research also suggests that since plant-based foods are typically lower in saturated fats, this move could improve your heart health, even without fulltime vegetarianism.
Traditional plastic toothbrushes aren’t recyclable, which can result in as many as 23 billion toothbrushes going to landfill each year – with each one taking up to 1,000 years to decompose. As an alternative, bamboo toothbrushes have seen a starp rise in popularity, due to the handles being 100% biodegradable (typically taking around six months in compost), and created from sustainable materials. However, this comes with one strong caveat: check the bristle material. These are often made of nylon, which isn’t biodegradable and would need to be removed from the handle before composting.
From a cost perspective, this swap won’t necessarily save money, but prices are comparable to plastic options (lots of great products start at around £2.50), which means that doing your bit for the planet won’t take a hit on your wallet.
From mopping up spills to drying your hands, many of us turn to paper towels without even thinking about the waste, or cost, involved. But the reality is that to make one ton of paper towels requires 17 trees and 20,000 gallons of water. And, with people in the UK paying anywhere from £1–£3 per 100 sheets of kitchen roll, it adds up.
With one tree used to create 1,500 rolls of toilet paper, and each person in the UK using 127 loo rolls per year on average, qssupplies.co.uk reported that the UK needs 5.7 million trees each year to keep up with demand.
To counter this huge impact on the environment, and do some good deeds while they’re at it, companies like Who Gives a Crap are offering
A simple, eco and costfriendly solution? Choose reusable rags instead. These could be made from old clothes that no longer fit for a cost-free repurpose. Or you could purchase absorbent, long-lasting cloths, such as the Jangneus Design Cloths which are 100% biodegradable (£9.95 for a pack of four).
a sustainable solution: bamboo-based loo roll, or 100% recycled paper, with carbon neutral shipping, and 50% of profits going to fund sanitation projects around the world. Subscriptions to bulk order start from £28 for 24 rolls, which may be slightly more than you’re spending if you already bulk buy, but does have the added convenience of coming straight to your door so you’re never caught short.
With estimates suggesting that using a tumble dryer could cost you £200 a year (a figure that is only likely to increase), a simple swap could be the return of the classic washing line (costing about £19 for retractable options), or clothes airers, which you can get for as little as £12. With the latter option, one hack to help speed up drying is to place near a radiator, and cover it with a bedsheet.
In 2021, research by Packaging Online reported that nearly 350,000 coffee pods are sent to landfill each year, and are believed to take about 500 years to decompose. For context, if King Henry VIII had used a coffee machine during his reign, his pods would still be around today.
Aluminium pods, which are on offer from brands like Nespresso, are 100% recyclable, or you could try the Grind Tin of Compostable Coffee Pods (20 pods for £9.95).
A lot of period products are singleuse, equating to about 200,000 tonnes of waste in the UK each year, and, according to menstrual cup brand Intimina, costs on average £10.24 per month per person, and nearly £5,000 on period products over the average reproductive lifetime.
An economical and environmentally friendly alternative is a period cup. While the initial cost might be higher, ranging from £8.50 to about £30, AllMatters.com suggests that each cup can be used for a number of years, saving the equivalent of about 2,400 tampons.
Dark days, miserable weather, and feelings of sluggishness. January gives us so many reasons to crave something that could pull us up, and provide energy, joy, and a zest for life. Well, these recipes are colourful, energising, seasonal, and easy to prepare. Not only will they supply the nutrients and energy to get you back into your routine, but also pamper your taste buds with delicious fragrance and yummy textures.
And they’re incredibly versatile. You can eat the mushroom oats for breakfast, but also lunch or dinner, depending on your preference, while the hemp patties make a satisfying main, or a convenient, muscle-building, and recoverypromoting snack for postworkout.
Ingredients (Serves 1)
• 1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
• 200g cremini mushrooms, cut into wedges
• 2 cloves of garlic, crushed and chopped
• 1/4 tsp dried thyme
• 1/2 cup steel-cut oats
• 1.5 cups of water
• 1 tsp of tamari or any other soy sauce
• 2 tbsp nutritional yeast (optional)
• 2 green onions, thinly sliced
• Salt and pepper, to taste
• Add 1 tbsp oil to a medium sized pot over medium heat.
• Add the mushrooms and sauté for 8–10 mins, until browned.
• Add the garlic, thyme, and oats, and stir for 30 seconds to toast, making sure nothing burns.
• Add the water and tamari. Bring to a boil over high heat.
• Once boiling, reduce the heat and simmer for 12–15 minutes, until the water has been absorbed and the oats are cooked.
• If using, mix in the nutritional yeast just before serving.
• Garnish with the sliced green onions and black pepper.
Ingredients (Serves 4–6)
• 2 tbsp ground flax seeds
• 3 tbsp water
• 4 cups button or white mushrooms, chopped
• 1 onion, chopped
• 2 cloves garlic, crushed
• 3 tbsp dill, chopped
• 5 tbsp ground hemp seeds
• 3 tbsp sunflower seeds
• 2 tsp dried thyme
• A pinch of chilli flakes
• 4 tbsp nutritional yeast
• 2–3 tbsp tamari or soy sauce
• Black pepper, to taste
• Combine the ground flax seeds and water in a small bowl. Set aside to thicken (this is your flax mix – you’ll need this later).
• In a large bowl, combine the mushrooms, onion, garlic, dill, seeds, thyme, chilli flakes and nutritional yeast.
• Add the thickened flax mix you made earlier and the tamari to the vegetable mixture.
• Mix everything until it forms a sticky kind of ball.
• Line an oven tray with baking paper.
• Using your hands, break off equal chunks – rolling into small balls and pressing down to flatten – until you have 10–12 patties. If the mixture seems too dry, add a splash of water. If too runny, add some more ground hemp or sunflower seeds.
• Add the patties to the lined tray (you may need to do this in batches) and cook for 25–30 minutes at 200oC. Be sure to flip the patties after 15 minutes.
These recipes are great for boosting immune health: there are the beta-glucans in the oats and mushrooms, selenium from the mushrooms (and also vitamin D2 if they’ve been exposed to sunlight!), B vitamins from the oats, mushrooms, nutritional yeast and seeds, and vitamins A, C and E, plus iron, magnesium, and zinc from the various vegetables, oats, seeds, herbs, and spices.
Both recipes contribute to good gut health. Onions, garlic, mushrooms, oats, and flax seeds are particularly rich in soluble fibre, which is the type of fibre that feeds beneficial bacteria in our gut. The phytonutrients in these foods, and alpha-linolenic acid in flax seeds, and hemp seeds also promote the beneficial strains of gut microorganisms.
The healthy fats and protein in hemp will boost your energy, helping to keep your blood sugars stable, and thus, your energy levels lasting longer. Fats also improve the absorption of fat-soluble vitamins and phytonutrients.
Of course, these fats are part of the reason why these foods taste so good! These versatile and wholesome dishes support our health and energy not only because of their phytonutrients, but because they are delicious. If the food makes us happy, it cannot but make us healthier!
Elena Holmes is a nutritional therapist and nutritionist, helping clients to improve their health and quality of life. Find more on her profile at the Nutritionist Resource.
Having a good idea of the things that are happening in the world is a savvy thing to do, so how can you manage that without becoming overwhelmed?
Between the cost of living crisis, the conflict in Ukraine, political divides in the UK, the US, and across Europe, and a wealth of other pressing issues, simply turning on the news can feel like a mammoth task at the moment.
At the same time, many of these issues simply cannot be ignored. If you don’t stay informed on rising inflation and issues in the economy, for example, you won’t know what costs are coming or what forms of support might be available.
As a journalist, I have to stay on top of the news cycle, but taking care of my mental health is also a top priority for me. As a result, I’ve developed some techniques for staying informed without being overwhelmed by negativity and alarming news.
The first step is to limit your access to the news. Having push
notifications for news apps might be convenient, but it means you could potentially be presented with stressful information at any given moment. Put yourself back in control of how you digest information by choosing when and how you stay up to date. Identify which news sources aren’t working for you, and take steps to remove them. You can also try unfollowing news sites on social media, or even blocking certain keywords if you find yourself doomscrolling, or getting increasingly stressed while browsing Instagram or Twitter.
Now that you’ve cut out the media sources that don’t suit you, it’s time to identify which ones do work. It’s always a good idea to read from a number of different sources, rather than one publication, to get a full sense of the media landscape. To ensure that you’re reading a wide range
of publications, the Ground News Chrome extension is an excellent bias checker, showing the political leaning of the site you’re reading, and recommending other coverage on similar topics for a more rounded perspective.
In addition, news aggregators like Upday, Google News, and Flipboard will all learn from what you tend to read and show you more of the same, as well as the top stories of the day. This is an excellent way to access a wide range of news efficiently.
As well as how you consume the news, when you browse can also play a large role in how it affects you. Looking at the news first thing in the morning, or the last thing at night, means your brain is likely tired and not ready to deal with stressful information.
The best time to get updated is when your brain works best, no matter when in the day that is
for you. Take half an hour while having breakfast or on your commute, or perhaps dedicate some time while on your lunch break – whenever you’re relaxed and ready to learn.
About 30 minutes or so should be enough to take in the top stories
and most important updates on an average day. From there, take on board what you’ve learned, and then separate it from the rest of your day. The reason many people feel overwhelmed by the news is that there’s just so much of it, resulting in people switching
off entirely. By limiting how much time you expose yourself to it, you increase your ability to take in what’s happening in a healthy way.
Another way to make the news work for you is to choose the right medium. Some people may prefer reading, while others will pay better attention to podcasts. Curate how you access your news by choosing whatever format best suits you.
The most important element of staying up to date is actually taking the information in and using it to inform your decisions, and how you see the world. There’s no right or wrong way to stay informed, only the way that best suits you.
There’s no shame in stepping back and limiting access to the news. In fact, being mindful of how we consume the news, using tips like those above, means that we can stay informed in a more controlled and manageable way, without becoming overwhelmed.
There’s no right or wrong way to stay informed, only the way that best suits you
Whether it’s signing up for a short adult education course, or enrolling for a degree, many of us return to education after taking some time away. It can be a hugely positive experience – a chance to learn new skills, develop our career, form new friendships, and immerse ourselves in an interest. But as exciting as it can be, it also brings anxieties around how to adjust, and whether it’s the right move for us.
For me, returning to university after time away was a big change. It took a while to see myself as a student, and get used to new routines. I’m so glad that I made the move though – it’s given me a chance to dedicate time to my passion, meet like-minded people, and to grow in new ways.
To find out more about returning to education, I spoke to life coach Chantal Dempsey. There are, she says, a myriad of benefits to lifelong learning.
“One of the greatest benefits of lifelong education is empowerment,” says Chantal. “Returning to learning not only offers the tools to change career paths, facilitate a promotion, or start a side hustle, it boosts your mindset to unlock ability and confidence. It validates a ‘can do’ attitude that empowers you to believe that anything is possible.” It can also widen your perspectives and understanding of the world, which can be great assets.
You’re likely to have things in common with people on your course. I’ve valued the connections I’ve made with others who share
my interest – creative writing – as an adult. It’s lovely to meet like-minded people, as well as the added joy that can come with making new friends.
Our mental health and wellbeing can benefit, too. “As the confidence bucket gets filled by your successes, and your upgrade in skills and knowledge, your subconscious mind takes in the message that you can achieve and you are good enough,” says Chantal. “Confidence and self-esteem are the building blocks of mental health. Increasing them will achieve wonders for your wellbeing.”
Lifelong learning is also good for our overall health. “Research shows a link between learning and the reduction of some illnesses, such as dementia and coronary heart disease,” Chantal explains. “Neuroplasticity, >>>
Whether you have an unexplored passion, or want to upskill in order to cultivate new career options, learning can be a lifelong pursuit, and one that opens doors to endless possibilities…
which is basically the functional and structural reshaping of the brain, can happen throughout life to adapt to new information, experiences, and environments. Sustained adult learning simulates the creation and development of new neural pathways, boosting your brain health and power remarkably.”
Finding the right path for you There are clearly lots of reasons to return to education. But how can we find the path that works for us?
Chantal recommends working out what your ‘zone of genius’ is. This, she tells me, is the common denominator between what you are an expert at, and what you love doing. “Finding this zone will make it easier to identify your purpose, and establish whether taking a particular path is right for you,” she says.
To do this, Chantal suggests splitting a page into two columns. In the first column, make a list of what you love doing. In the other, list what you are (or can become) an expert at, and what you would
love learning about. Once you’ve done your two lists, read through and ask yourself, ‘Where does it match?’ This can help you identify the area – or areas – that make sense for you to explore further.
We worry about not being good enough, not smart enough, too old, and so on . But these are only thoughts. They are not real.
There are other ways of approaching this. Chantal says that asking yourself the following questions can help you decide if an educational opportunity is the one for you:
• Does it feel right?
• Do you feel excited about it?
• Is it fuelled by desire?
She also suggests using visualisation: “Think of the end result, and visualise everything about it – your day-to-day, what it will mean for you, how you will feel, how you will look, what you will talk about, where you will work, what you will do, who you might work with, how you will feel when you get up every morning and at the end of each day. Do this every day for a couple of weeks, and check your gut feeling.”
It can help to think of it pragmatically. Will this course give you the qualification you need to pursue your new career? Or the opportunity to explore an interest you’ve been curious about? Take time to research your options to make sure it’s the right fit for what you want.
There are practical considerations, too. Returning to education can bring costs, so it’s good to look into your eligibility for things like student loans, or other funding. But is it a longterm investment that will pay off further down the line if you can afford it?
Identifying what I wanted to get from a university course helped me decide to apply. I also thought carefully about how it would impact other areas of my life, from finances to socialising, to figure out if it would really work for me.
Returning to education can be exciting, but it’s normal to feel nervous, especially if it’s a while since you’ve studied.
There are things we can do to help with these worries. Chantal recommends making a list of all your life achievements, big or small, to build a picture that evidences your capabilities.
“Worries and anxiety are purely caused by thoughts,” says Chantal. “We worry about not being good enough, not smart enough, too old, and so on. We play scenarios of what bad might happen. But these are only thoughts. They are not real. They have not happened. Our inner talk is what causes the issue. So, change your inner talk and focus on the present, because right now, you are OK.”
She also recommends visualising a successful future, and using affirmations such as ‘I can do this,’ ‘I am smart,’ and ‘I am capable.’ Keeping your goal in mind – the reason you returned to education – can also help keep you motivated.
Chantal Dempsey is an awardwinning master life coach and hypnotherapist. Visit the Life Coach Directory for more information and inspiration.
It’s worth looking at what support is available, too. Many universities will have groups for ‘mature students’ (usually defined as anyone over the age of 21) where you can connect with other learners for support and socialising. If you have childcare commitments, research whether the place you’re studying has a nursery, or if there is flexibility to fit your studies around being with your children. Universities and colleges have mental health support available to their students, so if you’re struggling with the adjustment, there are people who can help, too. Returning to education can be a wonderful experience. I can personally say that my possibilities have widened, and I get so much joy from doing something that challenges me, opens me to new ideas, and gives a sense of purpose. Could a return to learning be calling you too?
ALBERT EINSTEIN
When things aren’t going right in our lives, or we’re struggling with the way that we’re feeling, there are many different avenues that we may go down – some conscious, some unconscious, and, occasionally, some that do more harm than good.
You’ve probably heard about ‘self-destructive behaviour’ before, but what does the term actually cover?
“Self-destructive behaviour is behaviour that can have damaging consequences to us, and cause emotional and/or physical harm,” counsellor Danielle Bottone explains. “This type of behaviour
often feels as though it provides temporary relief, but ultimately, if it continues, it can have long-term detrimental effects.”
Self-destructive behaviour exists on a scale, and Danielle lists some common examples, including excessive drinking, impulsive behaviour, unsafe sexual practices, substance abuse, gambling, and self-harm.
If this is a question that you have been asking yourself, you’ll likely get the best answers from having a conversation with a counsellor, however, as Danielle explains,
there are some common causes, including traumatic experiences, loss and grief, self-destructive behaviours in immediate family, and negative core beliefs.
“Self-destructive behaviour can be a result of experiencing an isolated or repeated distressing event leading to trauma. This level of stress can be detrimental to our emotional functioning, and act as a catalyst for unhealthy habits formed in an attempt to cope,” Danielle continues. “Selfdestructive behaviour often feels as though it relieves us from the emotional pain attached to trauma. Chemicals released during this time feel good, but >>>
They’re patterns of behaviour that can be easy to fall into, but why do we respond in this way, and what can we do to break free from these damaging actions?
rarely last, hence the behaviours become cyclical and difficult to shift.”
Danielle also explains how these behaviours can stem from core beliefs that we hold about ourselves. She uses the example of experiencing bullying as a child. That bullying might have led us to internalise feelings of rejection, developing a core belief of ‘I am not good enough.’
“If negative core beliefs are left unchallenged, we tend to lean towards choices in our everyday lives that support that belief, in turn perpetuating the cycle and the need to cope,” Danielle says.
“Self-destructive behaviours may feel like they soothe the emotional pain attached to these core beliefs, but often, they assist in masking the pain and avoiding the root cause.
“Lastly, if we were raised in an environment where selfdestructive behaviour was commonplace, and healthy conflict resolution was absent, we will inevitably find healthy ways of resolving pain difficult. This does not mean that selfdestruction feels good, easy, or pain-free, it is likely quite the opposite. What it does mean, is self-destruction feels familiar. We become experts at knowing how to soothe, avoid, and hide behind destruction. Changing this pattern requires us to challenge that narrative by unpacking the behaviour, and discovering what need it serves.”
By now, it’s clear that this problem is often a complicated
and multi-layered one. And so, unfortunately, the solution won’t be simple either. However, there are still steps that you can take to begin addressing self-destructive behaviour if you notice that you have a tendency to experience it…
Increase your understanding Noticing that you might have a problem with self-destructive behaviour is an excellent first step, and a big part of working towards a form of solution. From here, Danielle recommends asking yourself the following questions to better understand your self-destructive pattern:
• What does the cycle look and feel like?
• Are there specific triggers that sit before the self-destructing behaviours?
• What causes it to occur more or less frequently?
• Are there events that you are aware of that have contributed to this cycle in some way?
“Exploring the answers to some of these questions will allow you to increase the understanding you have of how the cycle works, and what it might be serving,” she says. “It also highlights where opportunities to intervene and disrupt the cycle are present. The aim is to make the cycle of behaviour feel less chaotic and more predictable. When we can predict things, it allows us to plan ahead and influence change.” Once again, this is something that a professional would be able to support you with, and Danielle highlights how a counsellor would be able to help you explore any emotions that come up, in a safe environment. They may also be able to identify certain trends that might not be immediately obvious to you, and which you might otherwise have missed.
Choose a new alternative “Changing isn’t easy, but the more we try something new, the easier it gets,” Danielle explains. “With the information gained >>>
about the cycle and potential origin, allow yourself to focus on the new choices you want to make that directly challenge your self-destructive behaviour. Keep choosing the alternative option(s), and practise making choices that align with your desired destination.”
What those alternatives might look like will be entirely unique to you and your situation, but, for example, someone who finds social situations overwhelming and anxiety-inducing, and who might then excessively drink alcohol, may instead try to notice when they have been triggered, and see if they can move to a quiet space to take some deep breaths, repeat affirmations, or reach out to a supportive friend.
Speaking of supportive friends, Danielle has a reminder that you don’t have to do it alone. “Acknowledge your support system, and include the people you trust in your healing where appropriate,” she says. “This is not exclusive to friends or family, this could be a local support group with others who have experience of self-destructive behaviours and are embarking on a similar journey to you.”
Online forums are also a great way to connect with people with similar experiences. One example is Side by Side, which is an online community forum hosted by mental health charity Mind. The space is designed to help people make connections, learn
from each other, and take steps to support their mental health. You can find out more by visiting mind.org.uk
Be self-compassionate Sometimes, when we’re in the process of making a change, we can neglect to acknowledge what an achievement that is, and to cut ourselves some slack when things don’t go perfectly on the first try.
“You are doing something that takes courage and determination,” Danielle says. “Acknowledging your strengths, challenging your inner critic, being kind, and resisting the temptation to shame or judge, are all crucial to showing up for yourself during this process.”
So, if this is a journey that you’re about to embark on yourself, make sure to give yourself the space to really understand the depth of what you’re about to do. Know that it’s all right to not get things right all the time, to try again another day, and to lean on others when you need to. After all, you can’t break the cycle if you don’t take that first swing.
Want to know the most life-changing words of wisdom? Well you’re in luck. We reached out to our audience to find out the best life advice they’ve ever had, and these were their answers. Sit back, take it in, and prepare to see the world a little differently…
A simple yet powerful piece of advice we could all do with taking on board. When thoughts pass through our minds, we often take them at face value, believing them to be true. In reality, however, these thoughts aren’t factual. They are stories we’re telling ourselves.
Some of our stories are fuelled by fear, sending us into self-doubt spirals. When this happens, pause and remind yourself that thoughts aren’t facts. When we can distance ourselves from our overly critical or negative thoughts, we can see a more positive perspective.
When times are tough and we can’t see an end in sight, we might think we’ll feel this way forever. The truth is, the only constant in life is change (and this is a good thing). It means the way you feel, the situation you’re in, will one day change. This too shall pass.
Remind yourself of this on darker days, taking a moment to think about what steps could push you closer to the light. And on the good days, this sentiment can remind you to appreciate them even more.
This is one for overwhelmed souls. Experiencing overwhelm can feel like being asked to eat an elephant – daunting, and too big a task to undertake. But the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time, and the only way to tackle big projects is one step at a time.
Break things down into small chunks, see if there’s anything you can delegate, and practice some radical prioritisation. Then, simply… start.
(Note: no elephants were harmed in the making of this article.)
Pacing is a technique recommended for those with long-term conditions like chronic fatigue syndrome, encouraging them to balance activity with rest, and to monitor energy levels. This is excellent advice, and not only for those with chronic illness.
By pacing ourselves, only taking on what we have capacity for and recognising the importance of rest, we can all take better care of our wellbeing. Life isn’t a race, after all.
Every day may not be good, but there is good in every day – a simple saying that can help us look out for the positives. An easy way to incorporate this advice is to start a gratitude journal, noting the positives in your day. Perhaps a loved one checked in with you, or you got to do something you enjoy. Whatever it is, really notice it, no matter how big or small.
From a book about nocturnal exploration, to a podcast that will help you find your mindful moment, try something new with our enriching suggestions
Writing | Lauren Bromley-BirdLiving life as someone with vision loss can be difficult, but volunteers at Be My Eyes are here to help make the world more accessible. Sign up to lend your sight to blind and low-vision users to help individuals solve tasks and tackle problems via a live video call – it will certainly make a big difference to someone’s life. (Visit bemyeyes.com to find out more information)
Wild Nights Out: The Magic of Exploring the Outdoors After Dark by Chris Salisbury
Instead of settling indoors during the shorter and darker winter days, take it as an opportunity to go on a nocturnal adventure, and explore the wonders of nature after dark. From learning how to call for owls, to fireside storytelling, outdoor educator Chris Salisbury’s funfilled guide is packed with games and sensory activities that can be enjoyed at any age.
(Out now, £14.99)
‘Meditation Minis’
Do you find it difficult to make time for mindfulness in your busy schedule? With these short five to 20-minute guided sessions, you can always make time for a daily dose. Led by hypnotherapist Chel Hamilton, each episode is designed to calm your anxiety and find inner peace. (Available on all podcast platforms)
If you think picnics can only be enjoyed during the summer, think again! Winter picnics are becoming increasingly popular, and it’s easy to see why. It’s a perfect, low-cost activity to share memorable moments with loved ones in the brisk beauty of winter. So, pack your bag with warm comfort drinks and lunches, and be at one with the outdoors.
Whether you’re an embroiderer seeking creative inspiration, or someone who can simply appreciate the fine art of “painting with thread”, follow self-taught embroidery artist Yulia Sherbak. The beautifully intricate needlework featuring nature and wildlife, certainly speaks for itself. (Follow @mossandfeather)
If you feel a headache coming on, it might be time to roll out your yoga mat for additional relief. Doing gentle yoga poses, like the bridge pose, downward facing dog, and legs up the wall, can help to relieve you of symptoms by boosting circulation and releasing any built-up tension. (Visit youtube. com to access yoga tutorials)
When we are feeling down, sometimes all it takes is a friendly nudge in the right direction to help you to feel more yourself. Action for Kindness sends you daily actions that promote kindness and self-care, to help support your happiness each day, all while contributing to the charity’s mission of creating a happier and kinder world. (Available on the app store)
It’s time to bring out your wild side with ZUU fitness. The at-home HIIT workout encourages you to embrace your animalistic side with exercises that mimic animal movements, such as squatting like a gorilla and scrambling on allfours like a bear. Are you up to the challenge? (Search YouTube for a range of tutorials)
Down to Earth with Zac Efron
Follow actor Zac Efron and wellness expert Darin Olien on an adventure as they document their travels around the world seeking sustainable ways to live. From exploring the water system in Paris, to learning about renewable energy in Iceland, this informative yet entertaining docuseries is on a mission to educate and inspire global change. (Available to watch on Netflix)
Add a sprinkle of indulgence to your self-care routine during the winter period with Owen Drew’s winter of wellness bundle, featuring awaken wax melts, calm candle, and dream room mist. The Happiful team would like to extend our deepest sympathies regarding the recent passing of founder, Drew Cockton. His work raising mental health awareness touched so many lives. (From £65 at owendrewcandles.com)
For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com
Which scent is commonly used to help aid sleep?
a) Lavender b) Spiced apple c) Vanilla
*Competition closes 31 January 2023. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck! T&Cs apply.
In this expert column, we’re exploring self-care in leadership – AKA, how to take care of yourself when you’re used to putting everyone and everything else first
Look at some of the top leadership traits and you’ll see an impressive list of qualities; dependable, decisive, innovative, risk-taking, solutions-focused, confident, and empathetic, to name a few. Leaders are the people we depend on in both our professional and personal lives, and it’s due to these qualities that many of us look to leaders for a sense of security, direction, and stability.
Some of the most revered leaders have a sense of duty, often to the point of selflessness – think Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, and Martin Luther King Jr. These great leaders may be exceptional examples, but I’m sure we can think of people in our day-to-day lives who exude such admirable qualities as well. However, what happens on the other side of that coin, when empathy, a sense of duty, and responsibility for others’ welfare comes at the expense of a leader’s own wellbeing?
Many of the people I work with, as a nutritional therapist and wellness coach, are leaders in their careers, and leaders in their businesses. Irrespective of the initial health issue that needs attention, a common area that comes up in the course of our working together, in addition to nutrition, is self-care, stress management, and sleep. According to Global Entrepreneurship Monitor, a record 12.6% of UK adults were in the first three months of running a business or were already running a new business in 2021 – the highest figure since the study was first conducted in 1999. With the rise of the side hustle, and the number of people starting businesses at an unprecedented high, it naturally follows that stress and fatigue may feature, and that self-care falls to the back of the to-do list. Look online and you’ll see content on both productivity and toxic productivity, but less on self-care as a leader. Whatever side of the fence you sit on, it’s true to say
NT (Dip CNM) mANP
Claudine is a naturopathic nutritionist and health coach. Find out more by visiting the Nutritionist Resource.
that being a leader at work, or the leader of a new business, comes with putting other things before yourself, often to the detriment of long-term health and wellbeing. So how can leaders, particularly those with a side hustle or new business, support their health and wellbeing?
When the days are long and the calendar is longer, it’s unlikely that cooking up a nutritious meal is at the top of your priority list at the end of a busy day. Temptation and availability make it easy to grab and go, or to order in, while some people may skip meals altogether. Being tired, and hungry
in addition, means that we’re less likely to make the best choices. Save yourself the brain power and plan what you’ll eat in advance. I advise my clients to take a realistic look at their diaries. If it’s showing a distinct lack of time for cooking, it may be worth meal planning in advance, including deciding what you’ll eat, where you’ll get your dish from, and being confident that it’ll provide a balanced meal option. This might mean meal prepping ahead of time, using a meal delivery service, or having
a go-to list of restaurants that you can rely on to provide balanced meals when you’re in a rut.
Both my clients and I swear by sleep masks, sleep sounds, and bedtime stories to get a good night’s sleep, particularly if it’s been a long day and you have an early start. If you wake up feeling groggy, it’s likely that something in your evening routine may need adjusting. It may be avoiding caffeine after 4pm, meals within
two hours of bedtime, or creating more of a sanctuary in your bedroom.
Starting the day doing something solely for yourself can provide the grounding and nurturing that can help you withstand the challenges of leadership. Most of us accept that physical activity is a great mood booster and energiser, that deep breathing helps calm the mind and body, and improves focus, and that Epsom salt baths support relaxation (if you don’t have a bath a foot soak will do).
How about taking three deep breaths the next time a web page is taking time to load, listening to piano music while getting dressed in the morning, or replacing checking emails on the commute with creating a gratitude list, or –my personal favourite – a ‘proud of myself’ list? These mini-retreats can happen at any moment, it’s all about seeing the opportunity.
Pursue a piece of history as you focus on the present and explore the outdoors with this thought-provoking pastime
Writing | Rebecca ThairAfantastically fun activity to indulge your curiosity and unleash your inner Indiana Jones, embrace the outdoors next time you’re at the coast, and spend some time scavenging for timeless treasures.
A snapshot of life, typically thousands of years old, fossils are often found in sedimentary rocks such as sandstone, limestone, and shale – or sometimes even slate. They are formed when sediment falls over the remains of organisms, as the layers build and compact over years, it forms solid rock that preserves them.
You can hunt for fossils at any time of year, but you’re most likely to be successful over the winter and spring months, due to more bracing weather eroding the rock formations around the coastline.
And while you’re out breathing the fresh air, completely focusing on the task at hand, you can just ‘be’ in the present, and allow the stresses and pressures of normal life to leave you in peace for a short while.
Ready to try fossil hunting for yourself?
• Focus on the details. See if patterns, marks, or regular lines in rocks catch your eye.
• Wet stones often highlight the marks of fossils better, so they’re easier to spot. So it can be helpful to watch for clusters of rocks by the water’s edge.
• You might not always find a ‘complete’ fossil – some might be partial, or the edge of one, so ensure you’re not overlooking these fascinating finds as well.
Some of the more common fossil types to spot are:
Probably what you instantly picture when you think of a ‘fossil’, ammonites are historic sea predators that resemble coiled snail shells. They were similar to squid creatures, and can often be found in Dorset.
• Do a little research before your trip, to ensure you have any necessary permissions before visiting a location.
• Look up the tide schedule ahead of fossil hunting.
• Always stay safe and be aware of your surroundings (water, cliffs, loose rocks).
• Respect your surroundings and ensure you cause as minimal impact to the environment as possible. You don’t have to take everything you find!
• Find something really special? You might want to report it for official records to a local museum or an online fossil hunting site.
• You’re a beginner? Search online for organised groups and meet up.
It’s reported that these are often found on the Essex coast, and some can be as large as your hand!
Sea urchins
These could be up to 450 million years old, and can range in size from similar to a Brussels sprout, right up to a grapefruit. They are some of the more common fossils, but can be hard to spot.
Originating from oysters, these fossils have a claw-like appearance, and are often found off the coast of Yorkshire.
For plenty of handy tips, and even a map of locations to explore, head to ukfossils.co.uk
Accepting and sharing your authentic self is a huge milestone, and one that there should be no set timeline for – it’s all about your needs, and when you feel ready. Here, psychotherapist Bhavna Raithatha explores the journey of ‘coming out’ as part of the LGBTQIA+ community, at any stage of life
Writing | Bhavna RaithathaComing out refers to the acknowledgement and sharing of a person’s sexual or gender affirmative identity to family, close friends, and, in time, the wider world. This journey is undertaken by thousands of people around the world every year, but it is not an easy one. This is especially true for older individuals, who may be in their 40s, all the way up to those in their 90s and above, who grew up in times when coming out as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or identifying as queer (LGBTQIA+) was not only frowned upon by their families
and wider society, but, in much of the world, was illegal and punishable by law.
For this community, coming out could have meant harassment from the law, and imprisonment, even with very little evidence, as in the case of Lord Montagu of Beaulieu, who in the 1950s was publicly humiliated through the law courts because of his association with military personnel who were gay. In some countries, it could even mean a death sentence. This is still the case in many places around the world today, and alarmingly, laws are being repealed that once were
supportive of the LGBTQIA+ community.
Being LGBTQIA+ doesn’t just happen suddenly; most of us know or have an inkling that we are different from a very young age, but due to our situations, including for some a strict religious upbringing, living authentically is not always safe or possible.
We are used to hearing of people coming out in their teens and 20s, however, as society becomes a little more accepting, there is a higher incidence of people coming out in later years. Recent numbers from the Office of National Statistics indicate that >>>
3.1% of the UK population aged over 16+ identified as LGB in 2020. Unfortunately, results for those identifying as trans aren’t available.
This could be helped, in part, by better representation in the public eye, as some well-known people who came out in later life include Wanda Sykes, Anderson Cooper, Sir Ian McKellen, and Cynthia Nixon. Seeing others pave the way can be hugely helpful to individuals on their own path, too. But every person has a unique story, and timing for when it is right to share your true feelings can vary. Reasons for not coming out earlier can include expectations and pressure in varying degrees from family and society to follow accepted norms, or to not bring perceived shame or dishonour to the family. For many, the threat to their careers and income was the primary factor in the past. In fact, people were not allowed to serve in the Army and be LGBTQIA+ – this rule was only repealed in the year 2000.
Many in the LGBTQIA+ community have felt pressured into heteronormative lives –getting married, and having a ‘traditional’ family – but deep down were struggling with an internal battle between their true feelings and desires, and keeping up the facade of a ‘normal’ heterosexual family.
Unfortunately, the pressures on such individuals, especially on individuals identifying as trans who feel that they have been born in the wrong body, is huge, with a significant negative impact on an individual’s mental health.
In some cases this can have catastrophic outcomes, leading to self-harm, murder, and suicide.
In a deeply moving and equally heartbreaking recent interview with This Morning, Dame Kelly Holmes revealed the huge impact and struggles she experienced, feeling like she had to hide who she was and living with the constant fear of being found out and losing her career affecting her mental health and wellbeing. This is a story repeated all over the world. Many of my LGBTQIA+ clients have reported PTSD symptoms, including high anxiety, hypervigilance (watching their backs all the time), depression, substance abuse, and thoughts of suicide.
People today are still dealing with issues ranging from losing their jobs to being treated differently, being bullied, or physically and sexually assaulted, losing access to their children, or being blackmailed by family,
colleagues, or, as in a recent case, someone being ‘outed’ by an Australian newspaper. This is further exacerbated in cultures where homosexuality is deemed a ‘sin’ and punishable by strict religious laws.
Many people may think: ‘Why can’t you tell them where to go and just live your life?’ But it isn’t that easy when you have been brought up with strict rules and laws to follow, and the most violent forms of punishment. For some, coming out can come with a fear of death through ‘honour killings’, for example. Again, it is about understanding the journeys people have travelled in the course of their lives. The greatest gift we can give is compassion, understanding and support.
Choosing to come out is a very personal choice, regardless of age. For those who are older, it may feel more difficult because of family and partner pressures. There may be
It can be a difficult and bewildering experience, but it can also be one of experiencing freedom and a feeling of being able to breathe at last
children involved, who may or may not be supportive. There is the consideration of the wider community and social network, and, of course, one’s health and wellbeing. The LGBTQIA+ world is unique in its own right, with language and nuances that one has to get accustomed to. It can be a difficult and bewildering experience, but it can also be one of experiencing freedom and a feeling of being able to breathe at last. It is important to take things slowly, remember, this is a whole new world, with its own dark sides and difficulties.
There is no right or wrong way to take the next step, to live your authentic self. What is important is having the right support from friends and family, if at all possible, and seeking professional, unbiased help through therapy, for example. There is nothing wrong with you because you are attracted to your own gender, all genders, or non-gendered individuals. Come out in your own time, and in your own way. Some of my clients have chosen to come out to themselves first, and then tell people of their choice. Others come out to
is a psychotherapist, supervisor, coach, and speaker. Find out more by visiting the Counselling Directory.
everyone in one go. It is a personal decision, but always, do what is safe for you.
There are many places you can turn to get further information and support, which includes, but is not limited to:
• stonewall.org.uk
• openingdoors.lgbt
• switchboard.org.uk
• lgbthealth.org.uk
• beaumontsociety.org.uk
Menstruation has long been a taboo topic, especially in the workplace – anyone who has had their period at work will likely be familiar with the period product up-the-sleeve trick! We have got a long way to go to break down the stigma around menstrual health in the workplace, but we are seeing great steps in the right direction. Free workplace period products for employees, the introduction of menstrual leave in some countries, and menopause policies, are all really exciting prospects.
Whatever your menstrual health experience, and wherever you are in your menstrual lifespan, there are a lot of ways you can support yourself to manage your menstrual wellbeing in the workplace.
This piece of advice comes with no blame or shame, as so many of us have been massively let down by our menstrual health education. But that can change. There are so many incredible resources, activists, and coaches out there to support your journey to menstrual wellbeing.
Some of my personal favourites include Maisie Hill, who has a great podcast and two incredible books. Unfabled is a wellness shop based around menstrual wellbeing – everything you’ve always wanted to try in one place. The Lowdown is a fantastic resource for all things contraception and cycle information. And, finally, Lara Briden’s Period Repair Manual has become my cycle bible, and I recommend it to everyone who has a cycle.
Menstrual cycle awareness is more than fertility, it’s an act of self-care. If you don’t track your
Please note that if you are taking hormonal contraception, or are facing any menstrual health challenges, your experience may differ from some of the experiences discussed, and that’s perfectly fine. This advice is still open to you to make use of, as you see fit.
you in this? Who are your trusted people? Reach out to them first.
Sadly, the way we work doesn’t necessarily support our cycles, we aren’t all able to choose where and how we work. But another step to managing our menstrual wellbeing at work is controlling what we can control.
cycle already, start today. It can be overwhelming to begin with, but starting small, and noting your cycle day and a few words about how you’re feeling, is enough. As the process goes on, you will notice patterns within your cycle. You’ll get to know what’s normal for you, and how you respond to each of the different cycle stages.
Within menstrual wellbeing coaching, we talk about the 1% rule: how can you get 1% of what you need to thrive? You might be thinking that 1% is a really small amount, but keep adding to your
1%, and it will quickly grow. Understanding your needs around your menstrual wellbeing is really key, especially if you are dealing with menstrual health challenges. This can be a helpful process to go through in all areas of life, but focusing specifically on the workplace, how can you get that 1%? It could be as simple as having a spare set of clothes and a drawer full of period products. Who around you can support
Options to help you here could be having a different-sized work uniform to keep you comfortable as your body changes throughout your cycle. Blocking out specific days in your diary to ensure no meetings or presentations get booked in, as you know they won’t be your most confident or productive days. Working from home on the days you feel more sensitive, where possible. Controlling your ‘controllables’ will have a huge impact.
Now you’re ready to go and build your toolkit, however that looks for you, it could be your own ‘justin-case’ box. It could be a new hybrid working structure, it could be whatever you need it to be! But some time spent considering your menstrual health needs will not be time wasted.
Katherine Irene is a menstrual wellbeing coach, behaviour change specialist, and menstruality mentor.
As the weather changes, so too can our nutritional needs. Make sure you’re fuelling your body effectively this season
As the days get shorter and the temperature drops over winter, your immune system might need a bit of extra support. So, if you’re feeling run down, under the weather, or sluggish, the following five vitamin deficiencies might be affecting you. But the good news is there are several ways you can give yourself a nutritional boost to support your health this season!
This is probably the least surprising vitamin to be lacking in winter, given a key ingredient to create it is sunlight. Whether it’s the result of darker days, or generally sheltering indoors more, you might find a deficiency in this causes sleep issues and fatigue, and could contribute to mood disorders such as seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Public Health England actually recommends UK adults take 10mcg of vitamin D per day over winter to help supplement natural levels.
Brittle nails, cold hands and feet, and consistent fatigue are all signs that you may be struggling with a lack of iron. This is a vital element which helps your muscles receive enough oxygen, supporting you to stay warm and regulating your temperature. Try to eat enough leafy greens, along with lentils, or red meat.
If you find you’re struggling with particularly dry skin, or circulation issues, it could be a sign you’re lacking vitamin E. This vitamin has antioxidant properties, and supports skin health by keeping you moisturised, and can actually be found in certain foods, such as broccoli, spinach, and avocados.
If you’re concerned about any symptoms, or your health in general, it’s always important to speak to your doctor or a professional to ensure you receive the right support.
Another essential element you might be missing, vitamin C not only supports a healthy immune system, but can aid skin health, particularly for those suffering from eczema. Increase your intake through foods such as oranges, berries, broccoli, and Brussels sprouts.
In summer, we might naturally be drawn to fresh fruits and veg, which offer a plentiful supply of potassium. But as the seasons change, we can be more likely to reach for processed foods, resulting in a drop-off in our potassium levels – potentially leaving us with lower energy, mood changes, and higher blood pressure. Little potatoes can be a good source of potassium, or snack on a banana.
Are you a qualified nutritional therapist looking to grow your client base? Nutritionist Resource offers an instant web presence on Google, and, on average, attracts more than 65,000 visitors per month. Create your own unique profile page, and start receiving client enquiries today. Sign up using the code HAPPIFUL to start your free 2-month trial!
With good communication important to so many aspects of a life, parenting a child who finds this tricky can be a real challenge. Mum of one Jenna Farmer, whose son has a speech delay, discusses the rise in children who have speech and communication issues, and how families can best support them to help them thrive
Whether it’s the first time you hear ‘mama’, or perhaps a shrill ‘NO!’, the memories made when your child begins to talk can be really exciting. But, for some parents, these milestones can take much longer to happen. If you’re concerned about your child’s speech and communication development, then you might have already spent some time on Google. But what does it actually mean, and how can you get the right support for your child?
As a mum to a three-year-old
who is speech delayed, I chat to the experts about the rise in children who need some help communicating.
What is speech and communication delay? Speech and communication delay is a broad term that covers a range of different causes for why your child’s speech and communication skills may be late to emerge.
The term ‘delay’ can sound scary, but it’s really just a way for you to understand if your child needs a helping hand. What’s ‘normal’ can really vary, but there are a few key
things to look out for which may help you figure out if your child might need support.
Speech therapist Joanne Jones explains: “In general, we advise reaching out to access support if you have an 18-month-old who isn’t babbling, or isn’t trying to get their message across; a twoyear-old who isn’t putting words together; or a three-year-old who isn’t yet able to have a two-way conversation or tell you about their day.” If any of these scenarios sound familiar to you, having a chat with your health visitor could be a good idea. >>>
Why might a child experience speech and communication delays?
This current generation of school and nursery starters have experienced part of their lives in lockdown, and recent Ofsted reports have found the Covid pandemic could definitely impact key communication skills, with half of four-year-olds not ready for school. In fact, a survey from Kindred2 revealed that 91% of teachers say at least one child in their class does not have basic language skills.
It’s reassuring to hear I’m not the only one experiencing this as a parent. But why has it had such an impact?
“There’s definitely more children having difficulties right now – schools and nurseries that I attend have said they would previously have one or
Not all communication is words, so make sure you listen carefully to what your child is showing you
two children in their class with significant communication delays, and now it’s more like five or six. This definitely is partly due to lockdown, but from talking to parents, they were finding it very difficult to access early support during this time too,” says Joanne Jones, who runs The Can-Do Bootcamp, a support group for parents who are often waiting to access NHS therapy.
That’s not to say this is the only cause of speech delay. Some children simply take a little longer to talk, and quickly catch up. While for others, speech delay is part of other conditions. These include autism, hearing difficulties, and verbal dyspraxia (a condition where children struggle to coordinate the right mouth movements to speak clearly).
How can speech and communication delay impact parents?
It’s important to acknowledge that living with a child who struggles to communicate can impact everyone in the family.
“Children who can’t communicate have a feeling as to what they need, and are more likely to be withdrawn or disruptive because they’re unable to communicate,” says parenting expert Sue Welby, of Little Life Steps.
Parents can understandably find this really hard to deal with. I, myself, struggled with comparison and guilt at the start of our speech delay journey, and would often ask myself, ‘Am I a bad mum? Is there more I could be doing for my son?’
But it’s normal for parents whose child has a speech delay to feel
frustrated and upset at times. “Lots of parents I speak with get triggered when their children struggle with listening skills and following instructions (these are all key for communication). Having some tools parents can use, such as positive self-talk, or even just going to get a glass of water to take a pause, are important,” adds Sue. Special educational needs and disabilities (SEND) expert Georgina Durrant says these feelings are normal and very common: “Parents I support share concerns about both day-to-day life now, as well as worries over their child’s future.” However, finding a community of those going through the same thing can be vital.
“It’s so important to find other families who share the same concerns, and speaking to others, especially those who have speech, language, and communication delays, is really helpful,” Georgina adds. There are several online communities and Facebook groups that are centred around speech delay, or your health visitor may be able to refer you to group classes. which can be a good way to meet other parents in the same boat.
Top tips for supporting your child’s speech and communication
Speech therapist Joanne Jones shares her top five tips to help your child’s speech and communication…
1. If you’re concerned, I advise getting a referral sooner rather than later – don’t wait and see. We can do so much with early intervention.
2. Don’t ask your child to say or repeat things. It’s tempting, but it’s more effective to input the words they would like to say.
3. Try to build more play opportunities into your day. The three ‘Ms’ are mess, movement, and manipulation. Get them moving around, making a mess, and touching and feeling lots of different objects!
4. Balance play time and screen time. Don’t feel guilty about screen time, but getting a good mix between types of play and screen time can help.
5. Not all communication is words, so make sure you listen carefully to what your child is showing you. It might be a gesture, a facial expression, using symbols, or Makaton signing. It’s all valid.
Speech and communication delay can be a challenging thing for both you and your child to navigate. It’s important to know that there is support out there if you’re experiencing this. Speak to your GP or health visitor. You can also visit ICAN for more information and support, or The Association of Speech and Language Therapists in Independent Practice to find a qualified speech therapist.
Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who talks about life as a mum with a speech delayed child on her blog mumernity.co.uk and Instagram @mumernity
VINCENT VAN GOGH
Are you ready to take the first step towards becoming the best version of yourself?
Writing | Kathryn WheelerHave you ever wondered what you might achieve if there were no limits? What if you could unlock something within you that would propel you towards your dreams and desires, whatever they might be?
Your ‘potential’ is something that, maybe, you haven’t thought about in a while. When we’re young people, in school, college, and university, we’re encouraged to categorise our skills, and look towards the horizon and the things that we might want to achieve. In our adult lives, that
same ambitious drive might have fallen by the wayside a bit. However, truth be told, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Few of us would claim to have the same self-knowledge back then as we do today, and with that experience under our belts, perhaps right now is the perfect time to return to that challenge of unlocking our potential.
“‘Unlocking your potential’ is a phrase that is commonly used, but what does it actually mean? More importantly, what does it mean to you?” asks life coach Adam Craft. “My perception of unlocking your potential
Craft is a life coach encouraging confidence in 18 to 30-year-olds. Head to the Life Coach Directory to find out more.
is this: we are all capable of achievement, there’s no doubt about that. The question is what is your potential?” >>>
This will look drastically different for each of us. As Adam points out, for some it might be career oriented – rising to the top, leadership roles, financial goals, or influence on the world around us. For others, it might be linked to health, nurturing our physical health, as well as our mental health. It could be tied up with family, creating a life where we put quality time with the ones we love before everything else.
Getting to the point where we feel we’re reaching our potential might involve identifying the roadblocks that we need to clear. It could be our own self-limiting beliefs, and self-esteem issues, both things that can be worked on with the help of wellbeing professionals. Or you might find that there are practical solutions, and that your specific roadblocks could be things like time restraints, missing skills, or other changes to your lifestyle. That isn’t to say that any of those things are easy to sidestep – this is the very start of a long process, but the first step is to make some time for self-reflection.
“Think about it this way: imagine yourself in the senior years of your life. You’re looking back on your life, reflecting on what you have done, achieved, or made,” Adam says. “Is there something that comes up that you ‘wished’ you pursued more? I will often ask my clients this question when they first start working with me. It’s a great way of highlighting your ‘potentials’ or ‘musts’. From here, my client then knows what their potential is, and we work towards unlocking that. Visualisation is one
of the most powerful ways to unlock your potential.”
Life goes by so fast, especially when we’re rushed off our feet, jumping from one task to the next without a moment spare to think about the bigger questions that we might come up against. So this is your sign to make time to quietly reflect on what you truly want, and how you might be able to get it.
“There are so many benefits to identifying and unlocking your potential,” Adam adds. “You are possibly removing future regrets (and, in some cases, current regrets). Unlocking your potential also has a powerful and positive effect on your confidence levels. As you start to achieve, your confidence will begin to grow as you are proving to yourself that you are very capable. Ask yourself why unlocking your potential is so important to you. Is there a financial incentive? Is it a feeling of happiness or becoming proud of something?”
So, it’s over to you. Take some time to carefully consider each question, you could try jotting down your answers in a journal to return to at a later date, noticing what has changed and what has stayed the same. Know that there’s no right or wrong way to respond, you might have multiple answers, and they may come with caveats and sidenotes – that’s all part of the process. Good luck!
do you feel most fulfilled?
qualities do you most admire in other people?
achievement are you most proud of?
do you respond to criticism?
do you best learn new things?
your goals today different from what they were five years ago?
does a good work-life balance look like to you?
qualities do you most value in yourself?
What is your work ethic like?
If you could change one thing about your working life to make it better, what would it be?
Where do you want to be in one year’s time?
Which people in your life are most supportive of you?
What does a ‘meaningful’ life look like to you?
Who do you turn to for help?
Is there a part of your life you would like to dedicate more time to?
there a skill you have always wanted to master? As you start to achieve, your confidence will begin to grow
Despite the popularity of Lego for childhood play, it might not be the first hobby that comes to mind when you think of a therapeutic activity for adults. But, could this enriching and playful pastime form the building blocks for better wellbeing?
It’s no surprise that Lego brings wonderful learning opportunities for both adults and children, but apart from the commonly known benefits like teamwork and communication, more and more research is focusing on the wellbeing benefits that come into play as well. According to Lego Group’s Play Well Report 2022, 93% of adults regularly feel stressed, while 86% of adults claimed that play helps them to unwind, and, as a Lego fan myself, I can certainly vouch for this. Clicking together shiny, coloured bricks for an hour after work each day was an unexpected, but welcome, joy that I’d never planned to indulge in. Don’t be fooled, I’m no pro Lego creator. And, truth be told, I was never drawn to Lego as a child like others were. In fact, it
was only a few months ago that I really became fascinated by it and truly understood the appeal. I briefly mentioned to a friend that I was in need of a new hobby, and to my surprise she gifted me a wonderful 756-piece flower bouquet set. Since then, I have found it to be a great toolkit to managing stress and helping me switch-off.
Whether you’re an adult reawakening your childhood passion, or just discovering the fun of creating and building from scratch for the first time, I’m not alone in finding joy, as well as a wealth of wellbeing benefits, in this newfound hobby. Since the launch of the 18+ Lego kits in 2020, more and more adults are heading to stores to alleviate themselves from the stressors of everyday life, and it’s pretty easy to see why.
So what actually are the benefits of Lego play, and how can it be used to rebuild your wellbeing?
We know that mindfulness can sometimes go amiss in the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, but practising mindfulness through a hobby can certainly make it that much easier. The next time you construct a Lego build, notice what your hands are doing while you interact with each brick. Consider the colour of the bricks and the shape of them. How does it make you feel? Ready to give this a proper go? Visit lego.com to read their step-by-step guide to mindfulness.
And if you want to delve further into the art of mindfulness with Lego, Build Yourself Happy: The Joy of LEGO Play, by author Abbie Headon (£9.99, DK Publishing), is
the delightful self-help book with 50+ building activities and tips, specifically designed to help you find your mindful moment.
Activities like painting and crafting induce a naturally calming effect on the brain, and it’s no different for Lego.
In an article by Well+Good, psychotherapist Melissa Lapides expresses the benefits of using it to reduce stress and anxiety. She says: “When you’re focusing on creating something, you’re pointing your mind in the direction of what you’re creating. This doesn’t leave room for unwanted thoughts to penetrate your brain.”
She goes on to explain that the hand-eye coordination required for this creative pursuit helps to induce the brain into a meditative state, reducing uncontrollable thinking, which can help to decrease anxiety.
And if this isn’t enough to convince you, Lego has also created a soundtrack called ‘LEGO White Noise’ which is specifically designed to promote relaxation using the calming effects of, well you guessed it… white noise. If
the gentle, rhythmic clicking of Lego bricks being joined together soothes you, or even the sound of thousands of bricks being poured at once, head to Spotify to give it a listen and induce a moment of serenity.
According to the Lego Play Report 2018, 95% of parents claimed Lego helped to nurture their child’s confidence, and if you’ve ever felt the sense of accomplishment that comes with completing a task, you’ll understand why. This rewarding feeling you get from finishing a Lego build can provide a dose of encouragement when your self-esteem is running low, acting as a friendly reminder of your capabilities, and can build your confidence as a result. It’s a
very literal metaphor of what we can build when we take things one step, or brick, at a time.
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that creates feelings of pleasure and reward when it is released. And though meditation and exercise are more widely known to help stimulate this feel-good chemical, research from the Lego 2018 Play Well report shows a clear link between regular play and happier, healthier families. This suggests that the time spent creating and accomplishing together in a playful environment helps to release this surge of dopamine from the brain, ensuring that sense of achievement impacts the whole family.
Practising mindfulness through a hobby can make it that much easier
Whether it’s scrolling Instagram or flicking through newsfeeds, we’re constantly being fed messages to make sure we eat healthily. But what does good nutrition really mean, and how can we separate the myths from the tips actually worth following? Jenna Farmer speaks to the experts to get to the bottom of some of the most common nutrition myths to separate fact from fiction
Writing | Jenna FarmerWhen it comes to eating healthily, we all know the general rule of having our five a day and drinking plenty of water. But when trying to keep up to date with the latest nutritional advice, it can seem as though superfoods are changing all the time, and a week won’t go by without a new trend hitting the headlines. Is it any wonder many of us feel clueless? How can we know which tips are valuable, and which ones we should take with a pinch of salt? Our experts unravel these common nutrition myths to help you sort facts from fiction.
Reality: Any trip to the supermarket will leave you bombarded with low-fat alternatives to the staples. But high-fat foods don’t always deserve their bad reputation. For example, you may read about high-fat foods being linked to heart attack risk, but one study published in the Lancet found your total fat intake isn’t actually linked to your risk of cardiovascular disease. Many healthy foods are high in fat but are still super healthy, such as avocados and oily fish. These are both rich in omega 3s, found to support brain health.
In turn, lower fat equivalents aren’t always what they seem. “With food and drinks that are labeled low-fat or even fat-free, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re good for you, in fact it can be the opposite. They often come with more salt and sugar than the real deal,” says nutrition advisor Simone Thomas.
Research has found many of us eat double the amount we should. However, sugar isn’t always the enemy – it’s actually found in a whole range of healthy foods, like fruits and vegetables. These foods also contain other beneficial nutrients as well as fibre (which can slow down the absorption of sugar, which is why eating a whole apple would have less impact on your blood sugar levels than drinking a cup of juice).
“Processed, low-sugar products from the supermarket come with their own health concerns – sugar is replaced with artificial sweeteners in these foods, and these can lead to changes in gut bacteria, and continued sugar cravings. A better option is low sugar fruit, such as berries that contain other nutrients, or raw honey that contains B vitamins and iron,” says nutritionist Hannah Hope.
for the multivitamin? Well, not necessarily. According to the NHS website, most of us don’t need to take a multivitamin if we’re already eating a balanced diet. There are exceptions to this rule: for example, in the winter months it is recommended that most of us consider taking a vitamin D supplement. Other than that, there’s no evidence it makes you any healthier.
“A better option would be to get these vitamins and minerals through your diet by including more vegetables, fruit, oily fish, wholegrains, and good quality meat and dairy,” says Hannah Hope. >>>
Reality: A small percentage of people will need to follow a glutenfree diet to feel well. For example, they may have coeliac disease (an autoimmune disease which impacts one in 100 people) or noncoeliac gluten sensitivity. However, there are no health benefits for going gluten-free unless you fall into either of these categories (and if you suspect gluten causes you problems, it’s important to speak to your GP before ditching it).
While there are lots of healthy foods that are naturally gluten-free (such as veggies, fruit, and fish), swapping your regular bread for gluten-free isn’t necessarily healthier. In fact, one study has found that opting for gluten-free means you miss out on the consumption of wholegrains, which may increase your risk of cardiovascular conditions.
Reality: How often do you feel guilty about your morning coffee run? Turns out, you really don’t have to. For most adults, it’s perfectly safe to consume 300mg (around three cups of coffee) a day. In fact, caffeine actually has some exciting health benefits; it’s been found that coffee drinkers have a lower risk of diabetes, and it may even lower your risk of heart disease.
“Caffeine can have positive influences on mental performance. It can increase alertness, wakefulness, prevent memory loss, and improve cognitive function,” says Hannah Hope.
However, if you drink more than three cups a day, cutting down could be an idea. “High doses of caffeine can also lead to effects on the cardiovascular system, such as palpitations and arrhythmias, as well as inducing anxiety. I recommend no more than two caffeinecontaining drinks before midday,” Hannah adds.
Reality: How often have you read about the latest detox or cleanse to help you look or feel better? But, our body can detox all by itself.
“Food does not ‘detoxify’ our body. Our body has natural cleansing and detoxifying mechanisms that are much stronger than any food or supplement,” says dietitian Karine Patel, founder of Dietitian & Co. “Our liver produces enzymes that convert toxins into waste, and our kidneys filter and remove this waste. In healthy people, the liver and kidneys function well, and there is no accumulation of toxins.”
Reality: While it was once believed that eggs raise your cholesterol level, this is now an outdated philosophy. Research has since proved that eating one egg a day doesn’t increase your heart disease risk at all. “This really is a health myth hangover because eggs, including the yolk, are good for you, and are not to be avoided!” says Simone Thomas. “Eggs are a food powerhouse and are packed with protein, as well as offering healthy fats, potassium, vitamin B12 and D. They’re also an amazing source of zinc and selenium.”
The reality is that there’s no one quick fix for better health and wellbeing. But understanding the truth behind nutrition claims can help you make the right decisions for your body, and enable you to eat a well-balanced diet.
Hannah Hope is a nutritionist working in the field of women’s hormonal health.
Visit the Nutritionist Resource to find out more.
