Happiful Issue 71

You have it in YOU

Master your body’s natural anxiety defence system

Calm in a sea of chaos

Retro rituals and novel tips to take your wellbeing in a new direction

MAKE YOURSELF MAKE YOURSELF HEARD HEARD

The 6 pillars of work-life balance

Master them and watch yourself flourish

STOP RIGHT THERE Block unwanted diet advice

Photograph | James Resly

The true secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest in all details of daily life

WILLIAM MORRIS, THE AIMS OF ART

The things that unite us

In my time doing this job, I’ve sat down with a lot of different people. I’ve chatted with global superstars, actors, singers, and models. But also, artists, activists, authors, campaigners, community leaders, volunteers, people going through incredibly tough times, ordinary people doing extraordinary things –and, one time, a troupe of burlesque dancers.

You’ve probably noticed this in your own life, but two things I’ve learnt are: 1. The experiences we’ve had, the people we’ve mixed with, the causes we care about, and the ways we live our lives come together to create very unique people with very unique thoughts, feelings, and ideas. And, 2. There is so much that unites us.

People talk about a ‘universal language’ – something that can be understood by every human being, no matter their background, or what language they speak. Some may point to music as an example of this. Dance is another one, and football might edge its way in there, too. But something that the era of silent films shows us is that so much can be conveyed by tapping into the very basics of the human experience: our emotions, our passion – our actions, and our reactions.

In this issue, we look at how the pursuit of wellbeing connects us all.

We assess the importance of queer spaces on p28, and highlight the need to bring Traveller mental health conversations into the mainstream on p57. On p16, we explore how the Victorian tradition of a ‘change of air’ could reset our minds and help us find a sense of peace. And, on p32, we meet an 85-year-old and a 31-yearold who moved in together as part of an innovative scheme that addresses some of the UK’s most pressing issues.

From the six pillars of work-life balance (p36) to mastering the ‘physiological sigh’ (p39), this issue is also overflowing with tips and ideas that you can take with you to make an immediate difference in your life.

Other people are endlessly fascinating. We can gain so much from their knowledge, their interests, and their purpose, and we can give so much back by listening.

KATHRYN WHEELER GUEST EDITOR

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges

A fresh perspective

16 Retro rituals

28

57 Talking about Travellers

62

*Expert review

Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

The relationships we develop in life have the potential to bring great happiness and joy. But, to enable this, we must communicate effectively. This includes connecting on an emotional level and being available to relate to a greater depth. Head to p42 for help with reaching out to the people that you care about. It may require careful attention at first, but will be worth the investment, as it will lead to a more enriched life and a deeper connection for you both.

Happiful Community

Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

Our team

EDITORIAL

Kathryn Wheeler | Guest Editor

Rebecca Thair | Editor

Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant

Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers

CLAUDINE THORNHILL

NT DipCNM mANP

Claudine is a naturopathic nutritionist and health coach.

GERALDINE JOAQUIM

Geraldine is a hypnotherapist, psychotherapist, and wellness coach.

KAYAN HOUSSEIN

BSc PGDip MBACP

Kayan is an integrative relational counsellor.

Becky Banham | Content & Marketing Officer

Michelle Elman, Claudine Thornhill | Columnists

Lucy Donoughue | Head of Multimedia

Ellen Lees | Head of Content

Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor

Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN

Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product

DR KIRSTIE FLEETWOOD MEADE PsychD RYT Coach

Kirstie is a psychologist, coach, and yoga and movement facilitator.

MELANIE KIRK

BA (Hons) Dip IAPT MBACP

Melanie is a relationship therapist currently undertaking an MSc.

DR NICK WAKEFIELD

DClin.PSy CPsychol AFBPsS

Nick is a clinical psychologist specialising in trauma and addictions.

Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead

Rosan Magar | Illustrator

COMMUNICATIONS

Alice Greedus | PR Manager

CONTRIBUTORS

Eleanor Noyce, Katie Scott, Amy Hunt, Emmie Harrison-West, Alessandra Vescio, Victoria Stokes, Hebe Richardson, Kate Orson, Ellie Evelyn Orrell, Jenna Farmer, Shaun Flores

SPECIAL THANKS

Geraldine Joaquim, Dr Kirstie Fleetwood Meade, Kayan Houssein, Dr Venita Patel, Melanie Kirk, Dr Nick Wakefield

MANAGEMENT

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

Emma Hursey | Director & Co-Founder

Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

DR VENITA PATEL

MSc DipNT MBANT AFMCP MBBS MRCPCH

Venita is an NHS doctor, paediatrician, and nutritional therapist

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Find help

CRISIS SUPPORT

If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E

Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org

GENERAL LISTENING LINES

SANEline

SANEline offers support and information from 4pm–10pm: 0300 304 7000

Mind

Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk

Switchboard

Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt

p22

CONNECT WITH A LIFE COACH

Learn more about life coaching and connect with a professional using lifecoach-directory.org.uk

Illsutration | Rosan Magar

p25

GRIEF AND BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT

To find support for grief and bereavement, head to cruse.org.uk or call their helpline on 0808 808 1677

p80

INFORMATION ON OCD

To learn more about OCD, and to find help and support, visit ocduk.org or call their helpline on 01332 588112

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The Uplift

ART

Artist’s childhood toy rides again

Whether it’s a hand-knitted blanket or an old toy, most of us will have something lying around that brings back fond childhood memories, and a sense of comfort in our times of need. For contemporary artist Paul Robinson – better known as LUAP – this was a pink bear, and it’s an image that has become central in his artwork today.

During a challenging time in his life, Paul sought therapy to help him overcome loneliness. “I’ve always tried mixing with people, but felt awkward whilst being around people,” he tells Happiful. “The exception is when I’m working or exploring the outdoors. Then everything becomes easier and makes sense.”

It was during his time in therapy that Paul reconnected with a happy childhood memory, which resulted in his recollection of a pink bear. From there, he became inspired to create the bold pieces

of art for which he has become well-known.

For Paul, the pink bear represented a guiding light, which helped him navigate a difficult part of his life. Wanting to provide others with the same sense of comfort and security, he uses a mix of painting and photography to feature the whimsical bear in real-life settings from around

the world. In doing so, he sets out to demonstrate the stark contrast between reality and make-believe, with the pink bear standing as a symbol of personal growth and self-exploration.

Paul says: “The Pink Bear melts away fear and darkness with the warmth and joy of innocence.”

Visit luapstudios.co.uk to find out more.

Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

The future is… terracotta?

The 3.5 million tourists who visit the Pompeii ruins each year have a lot to marvel at, but some things that might have gone unnoticed are the roof tiles of the House of Cerere building. And there’s really no reason to suspect them. The terracotta tiles look exactly like the ones that would have been used by the Romans, with one key difference: they’re solar panels.

These invisible solar panels are made by small family business Dyaqua. The idea for the tiles came from father and visionary Giovanni Batista, who wanted to create a solar panel that blended in with its environment, without affecting the historical features of buildings. The result: tiles with a polymer compound that can be made to look like stone, wood, concrete, or brick – and

which allow the sun’s rays to filter through.

Currently, Dyaqua mainly supplies historic buildings, where retaining the external historical features, while finding new ways to be sustainable, is of the utmost importance. But their work opens the door to new opportunities, challenging others to think differently about sustainable solutions. Writing |

Kathryn Wheeler

Do you still dream about taking tests at school?

If so, you’re not alone. A recent global study, by dream interpretation website ThePleasantDream, found that 71.8% of participants had recurring dreams about taking a test in school, closely followed by visions of being chased, and nightmares about falling.

Further questioning found that many of the participants started having these dreams in childhood or adolescence and, even though many years, if not decades, had passed since they last faced a school exam, the theme continued. So, why do these dreams keep cropping up?

“Some of the key reasons for recurring dreams are

unresolved conflicts, unmet needs, and past life events that cause frustration,” Dr Nereida Gonzalez-Berrios, MD, reviewer and certified psychiatrist at ThePleasantDream, says, also pointing out that troubling dreams can sometimes be linked to mental health problems.

If you have trouble with recurring dreams, it’s worth considering whether there are any patterns to them. For example, do you tend to dream about being in an exam during periods of high stress and anxiety? Perhaps before big meetings at work, or when approaching situations you’re worried about failing in?

Make a note each time you experience a dream like this, and create a record that you can reflect on. You might soon find that your night-time wanderings could be trying to tell you something…

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

WORK

Work-life

balance is an all-round win, study says

A new study from the International Labour Organization has confirmed what many might have suspected: flexible hours and shorter work weeks can lead to more productive, healthy, and loyal employees. The report took a look at two main aspects of work, hours worked and work schedules, and assessed how they affected both the business performance and the workers’ wellbeing. Considering a range of working arrangements, such as compressed hours and houraveraging schemes, it found that flexibility and an overall reduction in hours were linked to a healthier and happier workforce – conversely, restricting flexibility could increase staff turnover, and cost employers. Considering the adjustments that came into place at the height of the Covid-19 pandemic, which allowed for more scope for employee autonomy, the report calls on public policymakers around the world to promote better balance.

“The so-called ‘Great Resignation’ phenomenon has placed work-life balance at the forefront of social and labour market issues,” said Jon Messenger, lead author of the report. “This report shows that if we apply some of the lessons of the Covid-19 crisis, and look very carefully at the way working hours are structured, as well as their overall length, we can create a win-win.”

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Take 5

It’s time for a breather from the stress of the world, as you unwind and enjoy a few precious moments of puzzling fun

Wordsearch

Get your ‘blue mind’ in gear as you scour the grid below for 17 water-related words hidden within. Want an extra challenge? Try to find the five additional words not included in the list. Set sail and good luck!

‘Goblin mode’ is the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the year, and, notably, it’s the first time it’s been chosen by a public vote

The wellbeing wrap

A BOLD & BRILLIANT BREAKTHROUGH

Best foot forward

Hollywood actor Ryan Reynolds helped six-yearold Leland find a stem cell donor, by appealing to fans for help

A new drug developed to tackle Alzheimer’s is being hailed the ‘beginning of the end’ in the search for effective treatments. Clinical trials have found that Lecanemab, which targets a protein that builds up in the brains of those with Alzheimer’s, can slow down memory decline by as much as 27%. While there’s still a way to go, it’s a positive sign that scientists are on the right path, and life-changing treatments could be on the horizon.

A PIZZA KINDNESS

Gary McKee, from Cumbria, set himself what sounds like an impossible challenge – to run a marathon a day in 2022. In a testament to sheer determination, and emphatic support, Gary achieved his goal, and raised an astounding £1 million for Macmillan Cancer Support and West Cumbria Hospice at Home before ringing in the new year.

CAT GOT YOUR... HEARTSTRINGS?

Following a Taliban ruling in December, banning women from attending universities in Afghanistan, 20 top British universities have pledged to offer them free courses via digital learning platforms. The institutions have partnered with FutureLearn to deliver the content, but it’s important to recognise that while this is a valuable educational support, it is not a solution given the implications of poor signal, language barriers, and not all having access to computers or internet.

Fast forward to green

A new dinosaur skeleton is coming to London’s Natural History Museum – a 37-metre, 57-tonne titanosaur

In a true act of generosity, a takeaway owner in Edinburgh offered everyone in the city free pizza in January, to help with the cost of living crisis. Marc Wilkinson, who owns Pure Pizza, noted it was a win for all - enabling him to offer more work to his part-time employees, and help the public, as well as suppliers.

In a moving story, a lost cat from West Sacramento was reunited with her owner after six years apart! Jessica Kinsey adopted Lily as a kitten, but she disappeared and hadn’t been seen since 2017, until a call from a shelter who found the now 13-year-old feline, and scanned her microchip, changed everything. And the best news? Lily recognised her human straight away.

Fast food chains in France recently faced a massive shake up, in what’s being called a ‘revolution’ by environmentalists. From 1 January 2023, new rules mean that any restaurant with more than 20 seats must provide reusable dishes, cups, and cutlery for customers, in a move set to save around 100,000 tonnes of waste.

WRITE ON TIME

Banksy confirmed they created a new mural that appeared on a bombedout building in Ukraine

New guidance has revealed that the NHS will utilise digital technologies to treat children and adolescents struggling with anxiety. Professionals can prescribe video games, from a range of five based on cognitive behavioural therapies, which can be accessed via mobile apps, to better understand their anxiety and learn techniques to manage their symptoms.

Two transatlantic pen pals, who have been messaging since 1938, celebrated their 100th birthdays with their first video call. The milestone moment saw the lifelong friends, Geoff from Devon and Celesta from Texas, embrace modern technology. But their story spans not just an ocean, but the Second World War, the Civil Rights Movement, and economic struggles. Through it all, they kept in touch – and plan to continue doing so!

What are

parasocial relationships?

Could the relationships we share with celebrities and fictional characters help us deal with everyday challenges?

Writing | Eleanor Noyce

I’ve always been a dreamer. When I was little, I sought out comfort in fictional worlds; devouring pages and pages of Jacqueline Wilson, I developed what felt like close friendships with her characters. Tracy Beaker was my fictional best friend, her story spoke to me, and I was so

compelled by her world that I forgot she didn’t actually exist in my own.

As an adult, my favourite programmes are a nurturing presence for me, and whenever I feel down, I switch on my TV and seek comfort in what feels like a close circle of friends.

These feelings aren’t just limited to me, either. Termed ‘parasocial relationships’, this phenomenon is defined as ‘a one-sided relationship, typically between a fan and celebrity figure, whether that be the actual person or in some cases a character they play on a show or movie’.

Parasocial relationships might sound typically 2023, but the philosophy behind them predates the 21st century. The term ‘parasocial interaction’ was first coined by sociologists Donald Horton and Richard Wohl in 1956, referring to a psychological relationship that is experienced by an audience member towards the person or character they are encoutering, particularly on television and with celebrities. Horton and Wohl’s thesis dictated that, as everyday people, we are encouraged to feel a personal connection with TV personalities. In the UK specifically, television presenters like Graham Norton and Alan Carr, or fictional

characters like Phoebe WallerBridge’s Fleabag are notable, modern-day examples.

As consumers, we don’t know these TV personalities in real life; physically, they’re little more to us than pixels on a screen. But these relationships hold real meaning to us. The set-up of a TV chat show, in particular, encourages feelings of warmth and security. Direct addresses and a living-room-type set – sofa and all – trigger a psychological feeling of connection. We feel that we’re a part of their lives – that, in enjoying a chat amongst the stars with a drink, they might as well be in our own homes, sitting on our own sofas.

Evidently, there’s a lot of joy to be found in parasocial relationships. Natalie Pennington, PhD, is an assistant professor in communication studies at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. Teaching at the intersection of interpersonal communication and communication technology, she focuses on social influence and impression management. She believes that, as humans, we seek to find a connection in a variety of ways – one of those avenues is media. “We want to feel close to others. Media can sometimes create an intimacy about someone that can make you feel close, even when you’re not,” she explains.

And in the modern age, celebrities, famous for appearing on our screens – whether in TV shows or films – often double up on this, extending their influence via social media. “Celebrities can disclose and share information, images, and videos that are

insights into their day-to-day life, which can create, for some, a feeling of closeness, even though the posts are public for anyone to see,” Dr Pennington continues. “Influencers are an example of micro-celebrity, and the same thing plays out with newer social media like TikTok, where you can actually get a response from someone.” In essence, social media provides another space to fill our natural, human need for connection. However, it’s important – as with anything – to exercise caution. Boundaries are fundamental, as Dr Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic, believes. “Parasocial relationships are defined by the fact that they are one-sided, which is where the problem lies,” Dr Touroni states. “Healthy relationships are reciprocal – you both put energy and time into building the connection. They become dangerous when they are taken to the extreme, either coming at the cost of forming reallife connections or becoming obsessional.”

But how can we tell when our own parasocial relationships are unhealthy? And how can we practise self-care when things become a little off balance? When it comes to engaging with influencers, in particular, selfcomparison can creep in. From a mental health perspective, seeing endless posts on Instagram depicting immaculately

designed homes, constant social engagements, and seemingly perfect relationships, can become detrimental. Witnessing other people share their joy online can skew how we see our own lives, feeding into jealousy, and encouraging us to set unrealistically high expectations. Centralise self-care during these moments of self-comparison. Seek joy in the little, mundane things – light a candle or read a book, spend time watering the plants, or go for a walk. For every essence of engagement in a parasocial relationship, make sure you pair that by interacting with a tangible, in-person relationship. And if you’re seeking to secure more of those, why not join a book club? Or a running club? Or a knitting group? There’s always a connection to be found; sometimes, you just need to look.

So, if you’re looking to seek comfort in parasocial relationships, remember this: there’s so much joy to experience, but place boundaries at the centre. The world is a busy, exhausting climate, and parasocial relationships – when executed properly and with caution –might just be able to provide that escapism we all need.

When I feel down, I switch on my TV and seek comfort in what feels like a close circle of friends

A change of air

Could a wellbeing ritual favoured by the Victorians be the answer to our 21st-century ‘nervous ailments’?

Writing | Katie Scott Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Idaydream, sometimes, about the sea. It’s not far from my house, but always feels like it’s somewhere foreign and exhilarating whenever I act on the urge to hear the waves crashing. Just being able to see the horizon, and take in the shifting shades of blue, grey, and green, brings me a calmness. It restores me, even if for just a few moments before the children’s demands for ice cream, chips, or a toilet visit bring me back to reality.

A close friend and I donned every layer we owned and wrapped our young daughters up to collect pebbles on the beach all through last winter. We couldn’t feel our noses or toes in the bitter, salty air, but we breathed it in and came back to our cars with burning cheeks, tired babies, and soaring souls. School and work have kicked in now, and so our trips are sporadic. But we reminisce and talk about

why we needed it at that time. As my friend said: “I wanted to be witness to something that was bigger than me – the sea – and to gain perspective after an overwhelming period of our lives.”

The restorative virtues of the seaside have been praised for years, even before the mid1800s when the first trains trundled from smoky London to the open horizons and pebbly beaches at Brighton. It was a whole century before this that the concept of moving from one place to another for your health had started gaining traction in Europe, where a ‘change of air’ was prescribed for patients suffering from ‘nervous ailments’.

By the Victorian era, the idea was widely accepted, and different locations gained favour for the treatment of different illnesses. These were both physical and mental >>>

maladies, including the illnesses collectively called consumption, of which tuberculosis was one of the most deadly. Trips to the Alps, though, for its clean, crisp air would only have been possible for the wealthy few. There were, however, people trying to open up green spaces for everyone, as understanding deepened about the spread of diseases. Helen Antrobus is the assistant national curator for cultural landscapes at the National Trust. She explains: “It was generally understood that coal and smoke-filled air could be damaging to the lungs, and in the mid-19th century the belief that water-borne diseases, like cholera, were air-borne still prevailed. You can understand, then, why accessing clean air was so important. For the rich, accessing new climates abroad for health benefits was easily attainable, but not so much for those working and living in dire conditions.”

The Public Parks movement – which regulated holidays for workers and cheap railways – as well as the work of Octavia Hill and the other co-founders of the National Trust, gave people access to green spaces, both nearby and beyond. Helen adds that Octavia Hill advocated for pockets of green space,

playgrounds for her tenants, and outdoor ‘living rooms’ for the urban poor.

This was a time when factories belched pollution above cramped, cobbled streets, and so a ‘change of air’ for the majority meant seeking out a change of air quality. While I am lucky to live in a house surrounded by fields, the sea air still feels different, and my body reacts to it. For those escaping pollution and disease, though, a ‘change of air’ – a day paddling in the sea – could offer physical respite. They could breathe easier if only just for one day. The health benefits of some locations remain, even today.

A ‘change of air’ isn’t likely to be something a doctor would prescribe today in the same way, but we talk about it all the time, just with different words: “A break from our routine”, “Getting some fresh air”, or “A change of scenery”. We book holidays and weekends away; a lucky few travel for months if not years, but even opening the back door and wandering into the garden has an impact on our brains. This is widely supported by scientific research, and shows how complex we each are.

Geraldine Joaquim is a clinical hypnotherapist, psychotherapist, and wellness coach. She explains

MEET THE EXPERT

that we are hardwired to seek out routine and familiarity. This is an evolutionary throwback to a time when doing something exactly the same way as you had the day before might have meant survival. Straying into the unknown – whether places or actions – could prove fatal. But there is a downside. She says: “When you’re stuck in those routines, you’re not really living in the moment.” We become tunnel-visioned, distracted, and bored. It always amazes me how much I yearn to mindlessly scroll through rubbish on Facebook if I have been sitting at my desk at home for hours by myself. This is because, although we seek routine, we yearn for novelty.

Seeing new things fires our brains. It sets off reactions that result in the release of dopamine – the ‘feel good hormone’. It also exercises our brain’s neuroplasticity. But we don’t need to pack up and fly hundreds of miles to find this. As author and journalist Oliver Burkeman wrote in The

Geraldine Joaquim is a clinical hypnotherapist, psychotherapist, and wellness coach. Find out more on the Hypnotherapy Directory.

Guardian: “Making even tiny, seemingly irrelevant changes to your daily patterns – taking a different route to work or rearranging furniture – can stimulate nerve cells and boost production of neurotrophins, which help brain cells thrive.” He adds: “There’s some suggestion this might even slow the onset of Alzheimer’s.”

Geraldine says you can see the impact of the two contrasting needs of the brain play out in a two-week holiday. The first week will go incredibly quickly as everything is new, but familiarity will settle in by the second week as we learn our environment and put routines in place. What we need is to balance the two. Some routines can be reassuring, stabilising, and productive; but we should analyse our habits and weed out those routines that have become stale. It can be as small a change as taking your lunch outside into your garden, not least because of the welldocumented calming impact of nature on the brain.

Michaela Thomas is a clinical psychologist and the host of the ‘Pause Purpose Play’ podcast. She says that even a brief immersion in nature can reset the brain and re-energise. Over longer periods, the impacts can include greater clarity of thought and a better ability to retain information. She runs retreat days and sees a tangible difference in her clients when they work together in a natural setting. She explains: “You form a connection between the experience of a new place and how you felt while there, so that the novelty combined with the emotion makes the experience more memorable. Your new learning is more likely to stick and serve you for longer. You remember the smell of the woods while you were reflecting on how you live your life, or you remember the warmth of the sun on your face while you made a commitment to change something.”

Life, for the majority of us, has become quite sedentary

and habit driven. Monumental changes – seeking out a ‘change of air’ in foreign climates as the wealthy Victorians did – aren’t possible for many of us, and certainly aren’t something we can achieve each and every day. However, little changes in routine and small explorations can be so beneficial to both our physical and mental health. Perhaps, instead of daydreaming of the sea, I should just go.

Life, for the majority of us, has become quite sedentary and habit driven

with information overload

Writing | Amy Hunt

Sometimes, it can feel like our entire day is made up of social media notifications, breaking news alerts, and streams of work and personal messages. If it’s not updates on conflicts around the world, it’s news of political unrest or troubling social issues – and

that’s before we even get to the hurried texts and emails from our jobs, family, and friends. Especially in the aftermath of the draining Covid-19 pandemic, such an onslaught of information can leave our brains feeling scattered, making it a struggle to know where to turn our attention.

If you often find yourself feeling this way, you’re not alone. A 2020 Pew Research Center survey found that 66% of adults felt worn out by the amount of news they were consuming. And it’s having a real impact on our mental wellbeing. Psychologist Ella McCrystal says: “This information

We’ve never been more connected, but the ever-present onslaught of information can be difficult to deal with – here’s how to cope

5 tips for dealing

is coming in faster than we can fully digest and understand it. This overload can make us vulnerable to lowered mood, information fatigue, and increasing symptoms of depression and anxiety.

“And the impact of attention fragmentation is that we become less productive, less creative, and less able to make good decisions.”

Disconnecting from technology entirely isn’t all that practical –so how do we combat the issue of information overload, while grappling with the need to stay up to date?

Turn off notifications and alerts

One easy change you can make to set boundaries with the outside world is to turn off all of your notifications, be it email, WhatsApp, or Instagram. “We need to give up the fictitious narrative that we need to be on top of everything,” Ella explains.

The reality is that very few things need our attention so urgently – so denying these outside influences’ constant access to you is a helpful way to protect your wellbeing. If the thought of turning off all notifications makes you feel anxious though, schedule in five minutes every hour or two to check your necessary platforms.

Schedule in chunks of time to disconnect

“Giving our brains downtime to process new information input is a critical element of learning and thinking,” Ella explains. In order to do this, it’s helpful to disconnect at regular intervals during your day. Not only will this help you to process what you’ve read and seen, it’ll also help you to calm any feelings of anxiety it may have sparked.

Try meditation, or simply sitting quietly, looking out of a window for five to 10 minutes at points during your day. Therapist and author Marisa Peer says: “While these ‘mindless moments’ might feel like a time waster, it actually gives your mind the time to reboot.” If this doesn’t work for you, you could try getting outside for a 10-minute walk without any digital devices, or practising some relaxing yoga poses.

Do a brain dump

One of the main problems with information overload is that it can leave us unable to prioritise –how can we plan out our family’s weekly schedule when our mind is full of the world’s political turmoil? An effective solution is to do a ‘brain dump’.

“At the start of the week, write down everything that comes to mind that you want to achieve in the week ahead,” Marisa suggests. You could also journal about any worries or wider issues in your life that you’d like to address. This will help you to get all of those jumbled thoughts out of your brain, so you can tackle each of them in a more considered way.

Make bigger decisions in the morning

Before your brain has a chance to become overloaded, Marisa advises making any important decisions that need addressing in the morning. This will allow you to think clearly about your priorities before any distractions pop up, be it work messages, breaking news, or texts from friends.

Reserving that time – not every day, but as and when the need comes up – is a great way to honour what is actually important in your life, rather than what might be grappling for your attention daily.

Look for the positive

The negativity of our media consumption is usually what weighs on us so heavily. To balance this feeling, intentionally seek out stories and connections that make you feel good. Ask your friends about their favourite moment of the day, read positive news sites, offer praise to someone at work, or practise gratitude. Often, it is these small things that will lift you out of any bleak and overwhelming feelings you may be experiencing.

66% of adults felt worn out by the amount of news they were consuming

Learning how to ask for help

Why do we feel so much pressure to be self-reliant, and how come it is so hard to accept a helping hand? Columnist Michelle Elman delves into our curious obsession with independence, and the life-changing realisation that allowed her to welcome support

We live in a culture that encourages us to be strong and independent, but is it possible that we have gone too far?

When there is so much pressure to do everything yourself, is it any wonder that we associate weakness with relying on other people?

Alongside the ‘strong independent woman’ trope that has been sold as an aspirational goal, I believe part of what has caused this is the fearmongering around being ‘codependent’. Codependency was defined by Melody Beattie, in her book Codependent No More, as “one who has let another person’s behaviour affect [them] and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behaviour.”

Of course, codependency brings its own set of problems, but have we run so far away from codependency that we are now on the opposite end of the spectrum: hyper independence?

Hyper independence is the belief that you are the only person you

can rely on. It is often born out of a trauma where you have relied on someone in the past and been let down, so, as a result, you have a “if you want something done, you have to do it yourself” mentality. Consequently, instead of understanding that relying on others is not only normal, but necessary, you feel shame for not being strong enough to go it alone.

I used to be the same. The thinking behind my behaviour was that if I relied on someone, asked them for help or even just a favour, that made me vulnerable, and when you are vulnerable you are exposing yourself to being hurt. What I ignored was that the immense pressure I put on myself to do everything alone was incredibly isolating and, in fact, blocking me from forming genuine and intimate connections, because in order to ask for help, you need to allow yourself to trust others and let them in. And yes, that’s scary! But it’s worth it.

I tell the story in which I learned this myself in my new book, The Selfish Romantic. I had just come back from a funeral when the guy I had been on three dates with checked up on me to see how I was. Being so used to being single, and very hyper independent at that point, I shut down the conversation and said he didn’t need to worry, to go out with his friends, and I’d speak to him the next day. Hours later, he turned up at my door simply saying: “I thought you might want a hug,” and he was right. I really did.

Later that night, I said to him that it was really kind of him, but he didn’t have to come over and that I would have been fine. His response? “I know you would have been fine, but just because you can do it alone doesn’t mean you have to.” It taught me a valuable lesson to not only ask for what you need, but it was actually OK to ask if you didn’t need it, but you simply wanted it. I didn’t need a

Writing | Michelle Elman

hug, I would have survived without one, but I sure did want one!

Letting someone in is terrifying. I was right, letting people in gives them potential to hurt you and use your vulnerability against you. But living a life where you don’t give anyone a chance to be there for you is incredibly lonely, and not the solution. Humans are sociable creatures. With our communities getting smaller and smaller, and our reliance on primary partners becoming greater, it can be really easy to

feel alone. The way we counter this is by reaching out anyway.

When you feel like no one cares, text someone who you love. Remind yourself that if they sent the same text to you, you’d be there for them, and even if you feel like no one loves you, they do, and if you are hurting or just want some company, they would want to know. They can’t help you if they don’t know you need help. The more you give them a roadmap on how to help you, the more they can, so feel free to get

as specific as possible. Tell them if you need a hug. Tell them if you need to hear a specific sentence that always makes you feel better. Tell people how to help you, and you’ll be shocked by how many people turn up.

When we ask for help, we risk rejection, but the rejection is still better than building a wall around us so that no one can access us at all. It is often the harder, braver and more vulnerable thing to ask someone for support, and it is so worth it.

Author, TEDx speaker, and five-board accredited life coach Michelle Elman is Happiful’s new columnist. Follow her on Instagram @michellelelman

Hyper independence is the belief that you are the only person you can rely on

The best advice is found on the pillow

ENGLISH SAYING

The comfort of craft

One of my earliest memories is sitting on my gran’s knee, with two colourful plastic needles in my hands, learning to knit. I remember watching the agonisingly slow growth of a tiny square we were forming together until, suddenly, it became the size of a coaster, and I was allowed to give up. I’d been desperately impatient, but she had remained serene, calmly continuing to encourage me as though she was passing along the most important skill I could possibly acquire, which, as it turned out, she was. Throughout history, people have turned to creativity in moments of grief. Victorian women hand-stitched brooches

in their bereavement; Americans embroidered weeping willows in silk following the death of their inaugural President Washington; Missouri Pettway (1900–1981) of Gee’s Bend, made a pieced cotton quilt in mourning for her husband from his work clothes; and today nearly 50,000 panels compose the Aids Memorial Quilt, each handmade in memory of loved ones lost.

Though she had taught me to knit as a four-year-old, I would only really pick up a pair of knitting needles again after my gran had died, when I’d find myself using the leftover wool from her knitting basket to form a series of wobbly scarves. The wools were all different weights

and the scarves dipped in and fattened out in a strange uneven journey towards my casting off. Yet the repetitive action of pulling each loop of wool through another seemed the only thing capable of momentarily distracting my mind from the raw edge of loss. I realised then, that she had in fact been passing along an invaluable gift, one of both survival and care, which would rescue me in the deepest periods of grief following her death, and later that of my grandad.

Craft can allow us to memorialise loved ones, but it can also provide a kind of comfort in times of grief. There is something in the act of making that can temporarily subdue life’s >>>

Throughout history, humans have turned to craft in times of sorrow. But what is it that makes working with our hands such a force for healing?

Writing | Ellie Evelyn Orrell

Photography

| Ellie Evelyn Orrell

My mother came to terms with the loss of her father through learning to indigo dye

sorrows, helping to carry us from one moment to the next despite the weight we may be carrying.

Creativity, whether it takes the form of a homemade loaf, a poem, or a slowly growing piece of knitwear, is a healing force. Like meditation, it can decelerate the noise of daily life by inviting us to take a moment to focus on something small, something intimate.

The meditative quality of repetitive creative acts such as weaving, knitting, sewing, or dyeing lies in the fact that they require a certain level of focus. This focus keeps our minds anchored to the present task and can temporarily provide a distraction from whatever is troubling us.

Because of this, craft courses have been prescribed to patients since the very beginnings of occupational therapy, and basketmaking workshops were offered to soldiers in the First World War to relieve anxiety. Creativity encourages what psychologists refer to as ‘flow’: a state in which the complete absorption in what you’re doing results in the transformation of a sense of time. While knitting, I lose track of the minutes for just long enough that I find a sense of peace on my return to them.

Each stitch, whether knitted or purled, or some more complicated variation, captures my attention. This level of focus activates parts of the brain’s cortex involved in regulating emotions and reduces activity in the region of our brain responsible for processing negative emotions and

fear. Completion of a project also brings with it a dopamine boost, and because of this, making can become a remedial act through which we can practise self-care. I am not a perfectionist; I don’t count the stitches at the end of each row, and they often oscillate as the piece grows. I create meandering scarves and tank tops with wonky ribbing, but the completion of each brings a sense of quiet triumph: I made this.

The physical act of making helps me to feel useful, to occupy my hands and mind in times when I feel powerless. When I’m anxious about something fleeting, a looming deadline or a heft of unread emails, I bake. It feels good to concentrate on the simple practicality of mixing flour, sugar, butter, and eggs with whatever I have in the cupboard or fruit bowl. But, when the path to recovery is a little longer, I begin to knit. Knitting lacks the immediacy of baking, it’s suited to slower journeys of healing. There is a sense of hope that once the project is finished, I may feel capable of returning to some semblance of a daily routine.

There is no absolute cure for grief. I’ve found its presence to be tidal; sometimes allowing

me to drift along the surface, and other times swallowing me whole. However, making can alleviate the weight of loss and has helped me to stay afloat in difficult times. I witnessed these same effects of creativity on my mother, as she came to terms with the loss of her father through learning to indigo dye; dipping and re-dipping lengths of pale fabric into the dark green depths of a dye vat then watching each oxidise a gentle blue to soothe the immediacy of loss. Yesterday I pulled a mosscoloured tank top from my freezer. It had been there for two weeks, encased in ice, as a precautionary measure following a moth scare. I donated a good portion of my woollens to local charity shops, but I found myself unable to part with anything hand knitted. It seemed crucial to preserve these items, even if they weren’t the most frequently worn in my wardrobe, because each had been produced in a time of need. They symbolise something far greater than the winter warmth they physically provide; they remind me of difficult times overcome through craft and creativity.

Ellie Evelyn Orrell is the author of ‘An Indigo Summer’ (Calon, £14.99).

There is something in the act of making that can temporarily subdue life’s sorrows

A safe space

Queer spaces are vital hubs for LGBTQIA+ people, combatting loneliness and deepening connections, so what’s behind the decline in their numbers? Alessandra Vescio takes a closer look

When talking about the experience of queer people, it is very common for the word ‘community’ to come up. LGBTQIA+ people themselves often recognise that they are part of a community, a large group made up of different lives, stories, backgrounds, who share the identity of being queer, and what this means and brings with it.

The long journey of figuring out who we are is something unique to the queer community, and although every life is different, there are some very common patterns for LGBTQIA+ people, such as the importance of ‘coming out’ and living our true selves. All of this can be very isolating, especially at the intersection of identities such as race and disability.

According to a 2022 government report, queer people are more likely to feel lonely than their nonqueer peers. In particular, gay or lesbian and bisexual participants were 1.4 and 2.5 times more likely to experience loneliness, respectively. Furthermore, transgender people, and trans

women in particular, experience high levels of social loneliness. Also, older LGBTQIA+ people are more likely to live alone and to not see their biological family compared to non-queer people, and LGBTQIA+ pupils are more likely to have fewer friends and a smaller group of friends than nonLGBTQIA+ pupils.

“Isolation and loneliness amongst adolescents are on the rise, and the pandemic has taken its toll on young LGBT+ persons’ mental health,” says Lukasz Konieczka, executive director at Mosaic LGBT+ Young Persons’ Trust. “A young, queer person can attend a school of 2,000 students and feel like they are the only one who is queer at the best of times, but often also face hostility aimed at them directly or at someone else within the school of broader society.”

Nevertheless, being queer doesn’t mean being alone. There are thousands of people out there who share similar experiences, and who long for meaningful and trusting connections. And this is why queer spaces are so absolutely vital.

Over the years, they have played an essential role in raising awareness, fighting for LGBTQIA+ rights, and helping queer people make new connections and find a new family, especially for those who were rejected by their biological ones. A queer space can be a café, a bookshop, a bar, a club, a restaurant, a community centre that organises meetings, workshops, events, and parties – or that simply welcomes queer people who want to have fun with others who understand them. But, despite their importance, queer spaces are on the verge of disappearing, and although the pandemic has made the situation worse, these venues have been at risk for a long time. For example, 58% of LGBTQIA+ venues in London closed their doors between 2006 and 2017, while in the US there are fewer than 25 lesbian bars compared to the 200 that were open in the 1980s. There are many reasons behind this decline. For instance, dating apps now play an important role in the process of meeting and getting to know a new person, so

much so that most same-gender couples have met online. The cost of living crisis could also make the situation worse in the near future, both because LGBTQIA+ people are already more likely to earn less, be unemployed, or be in poverty, than non-queer people, and because businesses will be hit by rising costs and high inflation.

But the increasing acceptance of LGBTQIA+ people may also have contributed to the decline in queer spaces, both from within and outside the community. As Noah Powers, an urban design and engagement professional, says: “Of course, the raising acceptance in urban areas, and in the Global North more generally, is a great

thing,” but “The positive of raising acceptance has a negative when it comes to queer spaces.”

First of all, many queer spaces are now considered trendy and cool, and this has led most of them to become a destination for heterosexual and cisgender people. Additionally, a part of the queer community composed mainly of those with privilege may feel that their queer identity is no longer important, and are more interested in assimilating into society. It is also important to mention that some LGBTQIA+ people prefer not to frequent queer spaces as these places have often been the target of attacks in recent years, they fear for their safety.

But these spaces are worth saving. As Research Fellow at UCL Urban Laboratory Lo Marshall puts it, queer spaces “have created joy and belonging, while providing care that isn’t always available”. To be in an environment where you can express yourself without the fear of being judged or harassed, where you can ask for help and receive all the answers you need, where you can find love and not have to explain who you are, where you feel you belong, is liberating.

As Lukasz Konieczka says: “Queer spaces can be a lifeline.” And they absolutely are.

Queer people are more likely to feel lonely than their non-queer peers

Productive distractions to

reduce stress

When done right, distractions can help us regulate our emotions – and, with the perfect activity, you could be introducing another layer of joy into your life

Writing | Kat Nicholls

Go for a mindful walk

Going for a walk is a recommendation we’ve all heard before, right? Being mindful on your walk, however, can take things up a notch. Allow yourself to be fully present during your walk; what are you seeing? What are you hearing? What are you smelling?

Engaging with your senses has a grounding effect, and can distract you from swirling thoughts, all while reaping the benefits of being out in nature.

Write a letter to a loved one

Connecting with others has a host of benefits, and, thanks to technology, there are more ways to connect than ever before.

When you need a distraction though, why not slow things down and write a letter?

Taking time to hand-write your conversation can help to slow our thinking and take a beat. And, let’s be honest – who doesn’t love receiving post?

Organise something

We’re all different, but for some of us, a cluttered space can make our minds feel cluttered, too. Having a moment to tidy and organise a space gives us something physical to do (grounding us in the here and now) while taking our mind off of whatever we’re worried about. Pick a shelf, cupboard, or even a room, pop on a playlist, and get organising.

Read a couple of pages

Sometimes we need beautiful words as a palate cleanser for difficult times. Pick up a poetry book, a book of essays, or a short story, and read a few pages when you need it. Focusing on shortform writing can take away the overwhelm that can come with longer reads, and makes it easier to dip in and out.

Create something

Tapping into our creativity has a wonderful way of reducing stress and lifting our mood. Next time you need a distraction, create

something. Try out a new recipe, play an instrument, work on a puzzle, or write a story. This reminds us of our capabilities, and gives us a great confidence boost.

Learn something new

Learning something new engages our minds and shifts our perspective, giving us permission to be messy beginners. Why not learn a language, and distract yourself with Duolingo lessons? Or sign up to a learning platform like Skillshare and work through a class? You’ll not only be distracted, but you’ll also be working on your personal development, and, hopefully, finding a whole heap of fulfilment along the way.

Play a game

Whether you prefer board games or video games, all forms of gaming offer a sense of escapism and accomplishment that can be positive. Bring out your favourite when you need a break, and allow yourself to be immersed in a new world, even if only for a while.

Happiful reads...

From a comforting poetry book to a handy guidebook helping you create a clutter-free mind and home, here are four books you won’t want to miss this month

Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

When a loved one is diagnosed with a lifechanging illness, it can be an incredibly emotional and challenging time. And, often, it comes with uncertainty. So, how can we make the transition easier for ourselves and our loved ones in need? Pulling Through is here to help.

Must reads

Visual Thinking: The Hidden Gifts of People Who Think in Pictures, Patterns and Abstractions by Temple Grandin

Catherine’s life changed forever when her husband fell ill on Boxing Day 2016, resulting in a devastating brain injury. For Catherine, caring for her husband became a top priority, but this new role came with scenarios that she was unprepared for.

You’ll Never Walk Alone: Poems for Life’s Ups and Downs

by Rachel Kelly (Out now)

Pulling Through: Help for Families

Navigating LifeChanging Illness

by Catherine Jessop (Out now)

Wanting to provide others with the clarity and answers that she wished she had on her own journey, she wrote Pulling Through, a guide that brings others hope and reassurance.

Create Space by

Dilly Carter (Out

now)

(Out now)

On a mission to educate and inspire, visual thinker Dr Temple Grandin draws on her own experiences, and uses fascinating research, to help revolutionise approaches in the workplace, educational settings, and even parental styles, to help assist visual learners.

You’ll Never Walk Alone is the perfect collection for those who enjoy a weekly serving of uplifting poetry. Inspirational and soothing, each poem provides the reader with a little bit of comfort and hope needed to navigate life’s highs and lows, so that you, too, will never walk alone.

There are books to help you declutter, and then there’s Dilly Carter’s book for decluttering. Professional organiser and founder of Declutter Dollies, she is here to show you how to turn your home into a space for serenity. Packed with expert tips and tricks, the wonderful guidebook will help you find a clutter-free mind and home in no time.

Life’s rich tapestry: At home with Mary and Alex

On an extraordinarily cold Thursday evening, I park my car outside a home on the outskirts of Oxford. I’m here to meet with Mary, 85, and Alex, 31, two people taking part in Age UK Oxfordshire’s Homeshare – a scheme that matches older people who are looking for help or companionship in their homes, with another person who can lend a hand, and who is in need of affordable accommodation.

I’m led into the sitting room by Maria, Mary’s daughter, where I meet Marian from Age UK Oxfordshire, as well as Mary and Alex themselves. The five of us sit around a warming fire, Max the dog delighted by the company, while Alex and Mary relay yesterday evening’s outing;

a concert at the school Alex’s sister works at.

Mary and Alex are one of the 50 matches between ‘Householders’ and ‘Sharers’ that Age UK Oxfordshire has supported in the past three years. To be part of the scheme, the Householder pays from £150 per month, and the Sharer pays £200, the split in bills is then worked out between the household. Each arrangement comes with a minimum ninemonth commitment, but many last much longer – the longest in the county now approaching the five-year mark. It’s a forwardthinking arrangement, but the set-up of sharing a home isn’t completely new to Mary.

“I used to have a lot of students living with me, this is when my husband was alive,” Mary, a

former music teacher, tells me later, when the two of us sit down together. And, she explains, she heard about Homeshare some time before she took steps to take part herself. “Someone told me about Homeshare, and then Marian came along. It was a couple of years after we’d first met that I decided to join the scheme. After my husband died, and his carer left – I didn’t mind being by myself in the house during the day, but I didn’t like it at night. That’s when I decided. I’m very glad, it’s been very reassuring.”

As you would expect, a rigorous vetting and prepping process pre-dates any match, all overseen by a team of two: Marian and her colleague Vicki. Applications, interviews, DBS checks,

In a world where loneliness and isolation seep into the lives of many, an innovative scheme is bringing together older people with those seeking accommodation. Here, Kathryn Wheeler meets a household who made the move, to find out why it works for them

references, home visits, meetings – introductions between Sharers, Householders, and their families – and ongoing support, are all vital pillars for the success and safety of the scheme.

“I came to Homeshare at a point when I was really struggling with my mental health,” Alex shares. “It instantly appealed to me. I really liked the possibility of providing support to someone, but also, perhaps, being the recipient of some support as well.

I felt there was a mutuality to it,” he says.

From there, Alex got in touch with Marian, and was invited to a Homeshare Oxfordshire lunchtime social. Here, he met Mary and Maria for the first time – and, after a second meeting in Mary’s home, the match was made. Four weeks later, Alex moved in with Mary for a trial period.

“I’ve been here a little over eight weeks now, but it feels like I’ve been here very much longer – it

feels like I’ve gained a family. Something that struck me was, within two days of living here, I could sit in the kitchen and read a book, and Mary could sit in the kitchen and read a book, and there was no atmosphere, it was very ordinary. I remember Mary having her newspaper on her lap, reading me funny stories; and, equally, we were very happy to sit quietly. That meant the world to me, because it was very homely. We just clicked.” >>>

You learn, when you’re older, to take things as they come

Though precisely how it looks will vary from household to household, Sharers commit to 10 hours of help around the home, an important guideline for sustaining one of the key purposes of the scheme, to provide support to the Householder. While that may sound a little regimented, the reality is entirely more natural. “I tend to cook maybe three or four times a week, and if I’m not doing the main course I might prepare a salad or a pudding. I’m in most evenings, with some exceptions, but we normally have

a meal together five or six times out of seven. And then I quite like going to the shops with her, because she’s quite a meticulous shopping list writer. And things like helping with the driving, or just carrying the bags to the car, are things that Mary would struggle with, and are things that are quite effortless for me.

“I love that I’m able to make her a cup of tea, or boil the kettle to give her a hot water bottle in the evening, because I know little things make a difference, and they cost me nothing. Equally, there have been times when

Mary has made me a cup of tea, and I’ve really valued that.”

To me, the whole arrangement sounds very easy.

“Well, it is easy!” Mary says, when I put this to her. “You learn, when you’re older, to take things as they come. I’ve had a full life, and he is a remarkably nice young man.”

I ask Mary then, what the most surprising thing about Alex has been? She takes a long pause to think, and then she leans in. “He likes doing embroidery.

“I’ve lent him a book on different stitches. He’s found that

To my delight, Mary then shows me some of her work. Above the stairs, she points to a wall hanging she created. It’s based on the design of German weaver Gunta Stölzl, who wove it as a carpet.

“It was one of the few things that survived, because she had to escape to Switzerland,” Mary tells me. “And I looked at it, and I thought, I’m going to sew that.”

Her home really is a handcrafter’s dream. She shows me piece after piece of framed embroidery, each with its own personality – some with juicycoloured metallic threads and delicate beads, the wall hanging made with wool. Alex then shows me his own embroidery, including his current project, which is being worked on to canvas.

“The embroidery is a lovely thread that runs through our relationship,” Alex says. “Mary has never made me feel funny as a man doing embroidery. I think there are some people who would find that funny, but I’ve found it’s

through our relationship

In a country like the UK, with an ageing population – and in cities like Oxford, where average wages and average house prices just don’t match up – and, need it be said, with waves of people struggling with loneliness, doesn’t a homely arrangement like this just make sense?

“Without wanting to get on a soap box, I would love to see more investment by both local and national government, to enable more people like Mary and me to come together,” Alex says. “I would love to see a Homeshare in every county, rather than a patchwork of brilliance in a sea of lonely people.”

Mary and Alex’s dinner –carbonara, with treacle tart for pudding – is calling. But, before I go, as I did before, I put to Alex: What’s been the most surprising thing about Mary?

witty,” he says. “And I think Mary has lived the most incredible life, and experienced really difficult remarkable cook. And there are moments when Mary will laugh and smile, and it’s just the most incredible thing to be a part of.”

With one final reminder from only right that I turn my favourite question on myself: What was the most surprising thing about Mary and Alex? Well, as adults, it’s not often that we have the opportunity to make new connections, connections that thrive in life’s quiet moments, just as much as they do for its main events. By doing something that has come so naturally to all of them, Mary and Alex, and the whole of the Homeshare Oxfordshire team, are proving that, when you bring down barriers, and decide to do things differently, wonderful things can happen. And when it’s right, it couldn’t be easier.

Homeshare Oxfordshire is run by ageukoxfordshire.org.uk and is a member of the national network homeshareuk.org. The service is greatly helped by donations, and you can support them at justgiving.com/ campaign/homeshare or contact them at homeshareoxfordshire.org.uk

The six pillars of healthy work-life balance

Good work-life balance can sometimes feel elusive and unattainable, so we’re breaking it down into its six key pillars

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Poor work-life balance can snatch life’s joyous moments away from us, and be detrimental to our mental health and wellbeing. But levelling it out isn’t usually straightforward. Here, with the help of Dr Kirstie Fleetwood Meade, we’ve identified six key pillars of work-life balance on which to lay your new foundation.

YOUR ‘WHY’

It’s pretty impossible to set off on any journey if you don’t know where you’re heading, which is why working out what you’re seeking should be your first step.

“Spend some time visualising what an ‘ideal’ work-life balance would look like to you,” Dr Fleetwood Meade says. “It may be that this visualisation seems really out of reach right now. If it currently feels like it’s a three out of 10 in terms of how aligned you are with this ideal, how could you nudge it up to a four? Focusing on the little steps can make this seem more achievable.

“Next, ask yourself why it’s important to you. If it’s to feel less stressed, why? Does it allow you to be more present with your family?

The clearer you are in your ‘why’, the easier it will be to say ‘yes’ to the things that lead you closer to it and ‘no’ to the things that don’t.”

YOUR VALUES AND PRIORITIES

Once you’ve explored your ‘why’, Dr Fleetwood Meade recommends shifting your focus to your key values. These are the beliefs that help guide us to live a life that is meaningful to us, she explains.

“Being crystal clear on your values makes decision-making around work-life balance easier,” she continues. “Some example values are: adventure, curiosity, power, fitness, freedom, fun, compassion, self-development, connection, love, equality – but there are many, many more.”

What role do your values currently play in your life, and what would a better work-life balance do for your values?

YOUR BARRIERS OR DERAILERS

“Changing habits, making decisions, and saying no can all be emotionally draining,” Dr Fleetwood Meade says. “Which

makes it all the more important to be able to pre-empt your likely ‘derailers’ – the things that will throw your work-life balance off track, or get in the way.”

Spend some time thinking about what exactly these might be for you, and consider how you can address them, plan for them, and get support with them.

YOUR WORTH AND YOUR INFALLIBILITY

“It’s so important to look after ourselves just as well as we look after others, but if that’s challenging for you, I often reference the classic ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’,” Dr Fleetwood Meade says. “In my therapy work, I’m also a big fan of the idea of the ‘both/and’ – the idea that two things that may seem opposing can actually be true at the same time. Often we get sucked into black-and-white thinking – e.g. if I am the best colleague I can be, that means I need to be always ‘on’.”

Instead, Dr Fleetwood Meade suggests reframing to something like this:

• You are important and you can’t do it all.

• You are doing your best at work and the world won’t fall apart if you don’t check your emails in the evening.

• You’re caring for others and you need time to recharge.

‘NO’

It’s probably one of the first things you think of when considering how to improve your work-life balance, but that doesn’t make it easy.

“Firstly, try challenging your perspective on the word ‘no’,” Dr

Fleetwood Meade suggests. “We often grow up with stories around being likeable, helpful, and kind, and saying no can make us feel like we’re not these things. But it is possible to say no and still be a kind person.”

Dr Fleetwood Meade suggests having some helpful phrases ready. For example, offer an alternative: ‘I’ve got too much on my plate right now, but I can get back to you in X days/weeks.’ You can also try being polite but firm:

‘Thank you for your offer, but I am already committed to something else’. Or, if you tend to people-please under pressure, give yourself some time: ‘Can I get back to you on that?’

YOUR GUT FEELING

“Lastly, an embodiment practice (awareness of what is happening in your body and mind) can be very helpful for guiding your work-life balance,” Dr Fleetwood Meade says. “Think of situations where you definitely knew you wanted, or didn’t want, to do something – do you know what a full body ‘yes’ feels like, and, a full body ‘no’?

“We say we know something from a ‘gut feeling’ or ‘in our bones’. The more we know how our bodies feel in any given situation, the more we can respond from a place that feels authentically us, rather than acting automatically.”

You may need to spend time tuning-in to these sensations, especially if you’re used to pushing past them. But, it’s worth it when our bodies could hold the key to our true feelings.

Dr Kirstie Fleetwood Meade is a counselling psychologist, coach, and yoga and movement facilitator. Discover more on the Counselling Directory.

A little magic can take you a long way

ROALD DAHL, JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH

Photograph | Natalya Letunova

The physiological sigh

Try the quick-acting breathing technique that blocks anxiety

It’s the ultimate breathing technique favoured by Stanford professor and neuroscientist Andrew Huberman, heralded for being fast-acting and effective. That said, the physiological sigh is actually something we do unconsciously in our day-to-day lives, when we’re about to fall asleep, during sleep, and when we cry heavily.

The perfect tool for speedy serenity (think right before walking into a big meeting, at the height of hectic family life, or for taking

a moment when things are going wrong), next time you need quick relief, try the physiological sigh:

1. Take two, quick inhales.

2. Let out a long, slow exhale.

3. Repeat up to three times.

Ask the experts

How can I be more open-minded?

Integrative-relational counsellor Kayan Houssein answers your questions on being open-minded and developing empathy skills

Learn more on the Counselling Directory

QI’ve been brought up with quite a closed-minded way of thinking, but I’m ready to break that pattern. Where do I start?

AOK, so you want to become more open-minded, this is a positive thing, right? Yes, but like everything, it’s complicated. If you have grown up in a family

QI’d love to work on my listening and empathy skills, but I’m not sure where to start. What would you suggest?

AFirstly, we need to acknowledge what a gift this is, that you are willing to listen to and understand others. I would

or culture that is quite closedminded, you may have inherited a set of patterns, thoughts, or beliefs about the world.

Changing in any fashion is tinged with loss and grief, as we shed these old thoughts or ways of being. We become different, and this can impact relationships in both positive and negative ways. That’s why, throughout this process suggest that we become curious about ourselves first. Take the time to check in with yourself regularly, perhaps by journaling, or find a mindfulness practice or meditation that works for you.

But why would you start with yourself first? Well, by doing this, you create a sense of spaciousness within yourself to be able to listen to others and

of change, we need to be compassionate to ourselves. Find what makes you feel safe in life. This could be family, friends, relationships, group membership, pets, your home, whatever it might be. This is your secure base. From this point, start to take tentative steps into the unknown, secure in the knowledge that you can return to your safe place. absorb their experiences. Doing this inner work also allows you to see that your ideas about life are just that, ideas, helping to create a sense of distance or objectivity about them. Stories and knowledge are a really powerful thing, and reading about someone’s life or experience can be transformational, and increase our empathy.

Counselling Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

QI want to be more active in my community and in supporting others.

Do you have any tips on how to start?

AMost religious and spiritual traditions throughout the ages have helping one another, and building a sense of community, at their heart for a reason, because it also makes us feel amazing and connected to each other. If we can combine this with something that we are interested in or want to learn

more about, then it becomes magic, and a double gain for the people we are helping and ourselves.

If negative thoughts, your inner critic, or anxiety are holding you back, then remember to be kind to yourself and take it slowly. Start small and build up, increase your zone of tolerance and remember to use your safe base to come back to. Don’t forget, everyone was new at something once, and you don’t have to be perfect, just give it a go and see what happens.

Kayan’s top three tips for being more open-minded and compassionate towards others:

Being curious about, and compassionate to, ourselves is my first tip. We are our own worst critics and say the most horrible things to ourselves. If we can be compassionate to ourselves and, dare I say, love ourselves expansively, we will be more able to do that for others. My second tip is to see every person as a teacher, a unique person, with life experiences we can learn from. Viewing others from this vantage point slows us down and helps us take in what they are saying, rather than just waiting for our turn to speak. And my final tip is to just go for it; life is short. Be brave and pull at the thread that is never ending, seeing where it takes you, the more you open up to life, life opens up to you. Get into debates and push yourself outside of your comfort zone, to where growth lies.

Signs that you’re being emotionally invalidated

Have you ever opened up, only to be met with dismissal? This one’s for you

Writing | Victoria Stokes

Imagine you’re having a really tough time, so you decide to turn to a friend. You lay out all your emotions over a cuppa, explaining how totally deflated, frustrated, and overwhelmed you feel, hoping your pal will relate. You wait for some soothing words of encouragement or an affirmative – “I know exactly how you feel.” Instead, your friend minimises and dismisses your emotions, telling you you’re being oversensitive, insisting that you shouldn’t feel the way you do, or informing you that your problems are too small and insignificant to even worry about.

To add insult to injury, they might even offer up unsolicited advice that seems to suggest you’re the one at fault. Their comments don’t make you feel soothed, heard, and understood,

but stifled, frustrated, and silenced. In fact, you feel worse than you did before, and silly for even bringing the problem up.

This is emotional invalidation in action: the process of ignoring, denying or minimising another person’s feelings. It happens when we turn to other people for support and understanding and instead find our feelings aren’t taken seriously. And, in a society that always encourages us to speak up about our mental health, it can be incredibly damaging.

“When someone invalidates your experiences, they dismiss, deny, or reject your thoughts and feelings, and often, this can leave you feeling undervalued, and ignored,” says Rachel Vora, psychotherapist and founder of CYP Wellbeing.

So, why do they do it?

Ever wondered why friends and family react in this way? As hurtful as having your experiences invalidated may be, it may be helpful to know that it’s not always intentional. “People can unintentionally minimise or make light of our emotions for several reasons,” Rachel points out. “It’s often people who are uncomfortable dealing with their own emotions that unintentionally invalidate the emotions of others.

“For example, people who find sitting with their emotions difficult often adopt unhealthy strategies such as distraction, denial, and avoidance.” Rachel says these people are then likely to employ the same strategies with you.

We all have a human need to feel heard and understood

someone else’s problems, people can often focus on their own feelings, but by using ‘I feel’ statements they are less likely to ignore or undermine your emotions.”

If it’s appropriate, you can explain at the start of the conversation what you need from your friend as well. Do you really just want a listening ear or are you looking for solutions? Do you want someone to relate to your problems or are you crying out for some reassurance? Figure this out before you broach the subject, and let the listener know.

Finally? Know when to stop trying. Not everyone will be equipped to deal with your emotions, Rachel notes. “People

can often lack the insight or time to understand others. It can take great courage to hear and see someone else’s emotions and not everyone feels able to do this,” she points out.

With this in mind, it can be helpful to remember their reaction says more about them than it does about you. It doesn’t mean your experiences aren’t valid, just that the person listening to them doesn’t necessarily have the tools to offer you the right support.

Exploring new avenues

The good news? If you need to get something off your chest and feel you aren’t being listened to, you can find that support elsewhere.

“Seeking professional help, such as therapy, can be useful to create a space where you do feel heard and accepted,” says Rachel.

“Likewise, physical activity, such as yoga or gym classes, can be a healthy way of releasing built-up emotions – and expressing your feelings creatively can be very powerful through art, journaling, or music.”

Often, we turn to others to reassure us that our thoughts and feelings are reasonable and acceptable. But you can give yourself that feeling of validation, too, by listening to your emotions. Knowing, simply, that your experiences are valid, and that it’s OK to feel the way you do, can be transformative.

Seeking professional help, such as therapy, can be useful to create a space where you do feel heard

Yoga for desk workers

Break up the day and say goodbye to aches and pains, with this exclusive yoga routine designed especially for desk workers

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Backache, shoulder ache, neck ache, wrist ache –sometimes, working at a desk can be, well, a bit of a headache.

A survey conducted by Censuswide found that 81% of UK office workers spend between four and nine hours each day sitting at their desks, which adds up to an average of 67 sedentary days per person each year – a lifestyle that can land you with a range of health issues. And while workplace health and safety guidelines will encourage staff to regularly get up and move, deadlines, workload, and workplace culture can make that difficult, in practice.

“Despite being a yoga teacher, I’m also very guilty of being a desk dweller when I’m not teaching, so I know the feeling all too well,” Iain Ross says. “I have chronically tight shoulders and upper back issues, niggles in the lower back and hips, knee pain… The list could go on.”

According to the Labour Force Survey, 477,000 workers suffer from work-related musculoskeletal disorders, so you’re not alone. And while support from your workplace in the form of ergonomic equipment can go a long way, yoga makes for an effective way to manage aches, pains, soreness, and your mood.

“When it comes to the upper back and shoulders, much of the issue comes from overstretched back muscles and over-contracted chest muscles, usually caused by long periods of time spent hunched over,” Iain explains. “Moving downward through the body, a hunched spine (too much spinal flexion) is a recipe for all kinds of back issues, while underactive and overstretched glutes, plus constant flexion in the hip flexors (the front of the hip and thigh) will definitely cause discomfort and injuries over time. “So, the key is to open the chest and heart space while strengthening the back, and to activate the glutes while >>>

lengthening the hip flexors,” Iain says. “This is somewhat oversimplifying things of course, but stick to this as a guideline and you won’t go far wrong.”

Over to you

When working at a desk, try this five-minute sequence, created for you by Iain Ross:

1. Seated breathing (pranayama)

One super effective yet extremely simple way to open up space around the chest and the ribs is through deep breathing. There’s more to this than simply taking a couple of breaths, though! Breathe consciously and with awareness for at least one minute.

Start by sitting up straight in your chair, without leaning back or hunching over. Imagine trying to align your head at the very top of your spine while someone pulls a long thread out through the crown of your head. Ever so slightly tuck your chin towards your chest to lengthen the back of the neck. From here focus solely on your breath, allowing each inhale to become deeper. Imagine you’re trying to fill the lungs from the bottom to the top, front to back, and side to side.

It can help to place one hand on the heart space and one on the belly, so you can physically feel your hands move away from you as your breath deepens.

2. Heart chakra kriya

Kriya roughly translates as ‘cleansing’, and this is a gorgeous, traditional yoga practice that is used to clear chakras around the body. This one is for anahata chakra, or the heart chakra. Whether you’re into chakra theory or not, this is a great practice to strengthen the back muscles and open the heart space.

I’d recommend three to five rounds of this (or more, if you have the time!):

1. Start seated with the hands resting in the lap, stacked on top of one another with the palms facing upwards.

2. INHALE. Draw the hands upwards so they align with the heart.

3. EXHALE. Interlace the fingers and push the palms forward as you round the back and tuck the chin.

4. INHALE. Make tight fists and pull the hands back towards the body, hugging the elbows in and really squeezing the shoulder blades together as you look up.

5. EXHALE. Place one hand on top of the other back at the heart space and ‘push’ back downwards towards where you started. Flip the palms back over and repeat.

3. Utkatasana (chair pose or fierce position)

There’s a reason this translates to ‘fierce position’ – it’s a fantastic asana to switch on the glutes and strengthen the back. It’s super easy to do from your desk, too!

From your seat, simply place the feet firmly on the ground, either hip distance apart or with the big toes touching. Drive down into the heels to lift your bum away from

your chair, sitting the weight back into the heels enough so you can still see your toes in front of your knees if you look down. As an added extra you can also raise the arms up and overhead. If you’re taking this option, be mindful of the lumbar spine, and try not to let it curve too much. Keep some awareness in the glutes so you can tuck the tailbone ever so slightly.

4. Tadasana, or upward salute into uttanasana

From your utkatasana, come up to stand and find tadasana, or mountain pose. There’s more to this than simply standing up, though! Think about drawing everything up through the feet, pulling the kneecaps up into the thighs to switch on the front of the legs, squeeze the bum, hug the belly button towards the spine, and stand as tall as you can, while still letting the shoulders be soft so they don’t hunch up by the ears.

You can stay here with the arms beside the body, palms facing forward, or take it into an upward salute. This asana brings a back bend into the practice, which will open the front of the body while

strengthening the back, a perfect counter for long days slumped at a desk.

Either with the hands up and overhead or the hands at lower back, focus on pushing the hips forward as you lift the heart space up and out. Avoid throwing the head back and maintain a sense of engagement throughout. Think less about bending the spine and more about pushing forward using the glutes while lifting the heart by drawing the shoulder blades together.

From here take an optional uttanasana (forward fold), softly bend the knees as you hinge at the hips to fold forward. Hang out here for as long as you need and feel free to repeat if needed.

For more from Iain Ross, follow him on Instagram @proud.yoga, or join him for classes at Yoga Hero, Leeds.

477,000 workers suffer from work-related musculoskeletal disorders

Brain-boosting brownies

Brain-boosting brownies

Surprise the whole family with this delicious, brain-boosting snack

Writing | Dr Venita Patel

These fudgy brownies are perfect for children of any age, from toddlers to teenagers, and make a great nutrientpacked snack or addition to a lunchbox. They are free of refined sugar, gluten, and dairy, and if the nuts are omitted, they can also be nut-free.

The addition of kidney beans increases the fibre and protein content, so while the brownies taste sweet, they will not give ‘sugar highs’ and instead allow a steady release of blood sugar or glucose. As glucose is the primary fuel used by the brain, this is especially helpful for kids who need to focus while studying!

HEALTHY CHOCOLATE BROWNIES (SERVES 12)

Ingredients

• 2 ‘flax eggs’ (2 tbsp flaxseeds mixed into 6 tbsp water)

• 1 can of kidney beans, well rinsed and drained

• 1 ripe avocado

• 1 tsp vanilla extract

• 1/3 cup date syrup (or 2/3 cup coconut sugar)

• 1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa or cacao powder

• 1 tbsp olive oil

• 1/4 tsp sodium bicarbonate

• 1/4 tsp baking powder

• 1/2 cup dark chocolate chips or chunks of chocolate

• 1/3 cup crushed walnuts or pecans (optional)

• Topping berries (optional)

Method

• Preheat your oven to 180°C. Then grease a 20cm square baking pan.

• Add the flax egg, beans, avocado, vanilla extract, and date syrup or coconut sugar into a food processor. Process until it becomes a smooth batter.

• Add in the cocoa or cacao powder, oil, sodium bicarbonate, and baking powder and process again until smooth. The batter will be fairly thick. If it is too thick to process, add a tablespoon or two of almond milk (or other preferred milk) to loosen it.

• Fold in the chocolate chips and chopped nuts, then transfer the mixture to your prepared pan. Use a spatula to spread it evenly to the sides.

• Bake for 25–30 minutes or until a skewer comes out almost clean. The top of the batter should be completely set.

• Allow to cool completely, then cut into 12 squares.

• Serve at room temperature along with a handful of blueberries or raspberries and an optional dollop of yoghurt!

The healthy bit

Children’s brains go through rapid growth. If we can supply them with all the right brain-supporting nutrition, we are giving them a head start (pardon the pun!). Many of these essential nutrients are included in the recipe, including complex carbohydrates, omega-3 fats, and magnesium. Complex carbohydrates help to avoid any swings in blood sugar levels, which can affect concentration and behaviour. As well as whole grains, legumes like beans are all complex carbohydrates.

Omega-3 polyunsaturated fatty acids are vital for healthy brain cells, and research shows that they may improve brain function, mood, and learning in children. Flaxseeds contain the omega-3 fat ALA (alphalinolenic acid) which is converted in the body to brain-ready DHA (docosahexaenoic acid) and EPA (eicosapentaenoic acid), beneficial for the brain and also eye health. Dark chocolate is an excellent source of magnesium, a mineral important for energy production, nerve and muscle function, and blood sugar metabolism. It also regulates some neurotransmitters affecting memory and learning. And, the portion of berries gives an extra dose of polyphenols for even more brain-boosting benefits, so it’s well worth adding on the side of these brownies.

Dr Venita Patel is an NHS doctor, paediatrician and nutritional therapist, with a special interest in child health and development. Find out more on her profile on the Nutritionist Resource.

BERNARDINE EVARISTO, GIRL, WOMAN, OTHER

Photograph | Cezar Sampaio

Life is an adventure to be embraced with an open mind and loving heart

Break the cycle

Break the cycle

Intergenerational trauma can feel like an unrelenting trap, but it’s time to break free

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

The generations who raised us invariably have a huge impact on our lives, and the people that we become. As adults, we may find a lot of joy in noticing that we have adopted, for example, our mother’s sense of humour, our grandfather’s agreeableness, or our aunt’s passion. But there’s another side to this coin.

There’s a saying you might have heard of: ‘Hurt people hurt people.’ It’s a very simplistic way of talking about the way that one person’s pain can, often completely unintentionally, affect others. And when it comes to the way this manifests in family relationships, it turns into a well-documented psychological phenomenon.

“Intergenerational trauma is defined as trauma that is transferred from one generation of trauma survivors on to the second, and further generations,

through genetics and experiences,” counsellor Melanie Kirk says. “This means that even though the original trauma may not have been experienced first-hand, the feelings, symptoms, and behaviours can live on.”

The trauma can be personal, – for example, the parent might have experienced abuse, been the victim of a serious crime, or have suffered loss or bereavement. Or, the trauma could be shared –Melanie points to the example of Holocaust survivors.

“In 2015, a psychiatry and neuroscience professor called Dr Rachel Yehuda directed a team of researchers, and conducted a study on the descendants of Holocaust survivors,” she explains. “It was discovered that the descendants had low levels of cortisol (the hormone that is released during times of stress, which helps to bring down the high levels of adrenaline released when a ‘fight or flight’ response is triggered).

“It was concluded that if one parent has experienced PTSD then future generations may be more likely to inherit the gene adaptation caused by a traumatic event. This in turn could result in the descendant being more susceptible to conditions such as depression and anxiety. Comparable studies were also carried out on the survivors and descendants of 9/11, which revealed similar results.”

What does intergenerational trauma look like?

In the same way that trauma will present differently from person to person, intergenerational trauma does, too. It’s a complex experience, and one that is best explored with the help of a mental health professional. That said, there are common themes.

Besides the genetic impact that Melanie previously explained, if the parent has experienced the trauma, it may affect the way that >>>

they interact with their child –they may find it more difficult to regulate their emotions, or to model appropriate coping behaviours to their children. In practice, this may look like a reduced tolerance to stress –perhaps finding they become overwhelmed or angry quickly – or they may find it more challenging to express love and affection. All this may then affect their children’s behaviour and coping mechanisms, and the way they go on to parent, or treat the people around them.

What’s more, if the parent’s trauma has resulted in them developing specific fears, this anxiety may be passed down. For example, if their trauma stems from an accident, they may then be overcautious around similar activities, or even ban them completely, continuing that fear and affecting how their children navigate the world themselves.

“If you think or feel something that doesn’t fit within the context of your life, it is possible that this thought or feeling is an inherited one,” Melanie explains. “Working with a therapist can be a good way of exploring this and supporting the excavation of information needed to attach new meanings to your stories, and create deeper understanding. It can also help to improve your insight and awareness around your unconscious processes, sensitivities, and trigger points.”

How can I break the cycle?

Whether you are the child of someone who has experienced trauma, or you are the parent, there are many ways that you can begin to address what is in

front of you, and to stop patterns of trauma and distress from continuing.

Melanie suggests working through the following touchpoint questions:

Invest some time into considering some of the elements of yourself you would like to be different. Why is this important to you? What difference would this make if they were improved upon?

The rat and the cherry blossom

“Studies at the Emory School of Medicine, in Atlanta, were conducted to test the idea that memories can be passed down through DNA,” Melanie explains. “The experiment exposed rats to the scent of cherry blossom, while they received a small electric shock. It isn’t surprising to find that the rats then demonstrated an aversion to the scent, which caused them to become visibly agitated when exposed.

Are there certain skills that you don’t feel you were able to learn or develop fully? If so, what are they? How could you support yourself to learn them now? Who could help you with this?

Where do your sensitivities lie? What themes do you notice around what upsets you, or makes you angry? Why do you think that is? What value or boundary is being crossed in those moments?

“What was surprising, is that the rat’s pups were observed to have the same reaction, even though they had never previously been exposed to the scent. It was suggested that instilling fear in the rat did trigger changes in gene function, which were then transmitted to the offspring.”

Starting down a new path

What do you think your children would/have inherited from you? How do you feel about this?

How have your own experiences of being parented impacted on the way that you would/do parent now? How do you think your children would describe you and your relationship? Is it similar or different to the relationship you have/had with your own parents?

Trauma may also lead to the formation of new strengths – which is important to acknowledge. Take time to reflect on the helpful characteristics that may have also been witnessed or inherited by your family of origin.

Managing trauma that has built up over multiple lifetimes is not easy. But, addressing it can lead to personal growth and happiness, and it can pave the way for healthier and happier generations to come.

MEET THE EXPERT

Melanie Kirk is a relationship therapist currently undertaking an MSc. Find out more on the Counselling Directory.

5 ways to navigate unwanted diet and nutrition advice

Have you ever noticed how often people offer unsolicited diet and nutrition advice?

At work, celebrating a birthday with cake? Someone chimes in with their thoughts on the matter. Let someone know you’re feeling tired? Before you know it, they’ve given you a list of supplements as long as your arm. You didn’t ask, and yet, here they are, telling you anyway.

As a nutrition counsellor, exploring these situations is a regular occurrence for me in the clinic. I work predominantly with individuals restoring their relationship to food, their body, and themselves. Navigating these kinds of situations can be a minefield, especially when you are moving away from diet culture, and restoring your relationship with food. There’s no perfect way to respond, but the following are a few tips on how to navigate it...

Silence is powerful

Responding, or even engaging in conversations about food and nutrition, can feel draining at times – especially if you are navigating your own relationship with food. Even if you want to respond, sometimes, silence can be the most powerful tool you can use.

For some people, diet culture is so deeply entrenched, that regardless of what you say, it’s not going to change their mind. Opting for silence can indicate your disinterest in them, allowing you to save your energy for more important things in your life.

Them: I’ve heard we should all be making sandwiches out of lettuce leaves!

You: *Stares into the distance and thinks about the cute cat you saw on the way to work this morning.*

Make your response a neutral one

This is a great tool for situations when your mind is racing, and you

don’t know what to say. Or when you’re trying to think of an apt comeback that you’ll look back on with reverence, but can’t quite find the words. Go for the most neutral thing you can think of, I like a simple ‘OK’, or ‘Mmhmm’. I think of this like sending the thumbs-up emoji – a very simple way of expressing ‘I’ve heard you, but this is the end of this conversation!’

Tell them what you really think

You may have to pick your audience here, but – if you’re feeling bold – you can try telling them what you think of their comment. Diet and nutrition advice is so sneaky that there is a silent, but a very present, expectation of how you will respond. Telling someone directly you don’t like what they’ve said can disrupt the flow, and turn that expectation on its head. This can be a very clear way of indicating

Unwanted, and unhelpful, advice can range from irritating to triggering, so we’ve gathered together some tips to help you handle it

Writing | Hebe Richardson

how little interest you have in any nutrition or diet advice.

Try: ‘Thank you, but I wasn’t asking for advice.’

Lay down a boundary

Boundaries – an oldie, but a goodie. A boundary is a very clear line drawn in the sand that tells someone what you need. How you set down your boundary may depend on who is saying it, what context you’re in, and how often this topic has come up. It may be something which needs to be reiterated and rephrased to effectively communicate exactly what you want to say.

Use ‘I’ statements to let somebody know exactly how

you feel and what you need. Try to be honest with yourself, but remember, you don’t need to go into depth, or offer them an explanation of why you’re setting the boundary.

You could try phrases such as: ‘I don’t want to engage with this topic,’ ‘This kind of chat isn’t my cup of tea,’ ‘I find this kind of conversation unhelpful, can we talk about something else?’

Recognise that it’s not about you

It’s a really hard thing to do, but try to acknowledge that what they’re saying isn’t about you. It’s about them, and might be to do with their relationship to food, a

need to rescue, entrenched diet culture, or they might genuinely feel like they’re being helpful. Sometimes, acknowledging this can be useful to give yourself some distance between yourself and that person’s comments. It doesn’t take away from the feelings it brings up for you. However, it can give us a bit of space, where we can decide how to respond. In moments like this it might even be helpful to remind yourself ‘It’s not about me, it’s about them.’

Hebe Richardson is a queer, awardwinning, HAES©-aligned, registered associate nutritionist, and trainee counsellor and psychotherapist.

Diet advice is so sneaky that there is a silent expectation of how you will respond

Six times as likely: the Traveller mental health crisis

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

I’m from the north-west of England, a little town called Morecambe Bay, not far from the Lake District. My family are Showmen Travellers. My mam, she grew up around the Bolton area and her family all had fairgrounds and travelled around the whole of the UK. My dad, he actually came originally from a circus and fairground background. They met and hit it off – not initially, but they got there. And then they decided to have an amusement arcade, so they settled.”

I’m speaking to Xenna Kaser, a counsellor who is also part of the GRT (Gypsy, Roma, Traveller) community. GRT is an umbrella term for those who belong to minority ethnic groups such as Irish and Scottish Travellers, and Romany people, as well as New Travellers, Showpeople, and Boaters. It’s estimated that there are around 300,000 Travellers in the UK, and those in the GRT

community share a distinct, diverse, and rich heritage.

“We all went through school still going to those fairgrounds, the big ones in particular, throughout the year to meet friends and socialise,” Xenna continues.

“Neither I nor my two brothers have gone into the field. We’ve all gone on to do different things, but are still very much in touch with our background.”

Xenna’s vocation as a counsellor working with the GRT community is an incredibly valuable one. Alongside the everyday joy that comes with family and community, Travellers are one of the most persecuted and marginalised groups in our society. In fact, it was only in 2021 that ‘Roma’ was included as an ethnic group, and ‘Showman’ as an occupation and ethnicity, in the England and Wales Census. And while there is a severe lack of legal sites for Travellers, in 2022, the controversial Unauthorised

Encampments: Police, Crime, Sentencing and Courts Act made residing with a vehicle on land without permission a criminal – rather than a civil – offence, giving police the power to seize vehicles and, consequently, people’s homes and way of life. With all that in mind, it goes without saying that living in this environment can take its toll.

The suicide rate for Travellers is six times the general population

That’s according to a study by All-Ireland Traveller Health, and the figure rises to seven times the general population for men. Another survey found that 82% of the Travellers surveyed had been personally affected by suicide. “I’ve known people who have taken their own lives, and it’s really devastating,” Xenna says. “I think there are a number of factors behind it. One, is that it’s a relatively closed community >>>

It’s time to take a hard look at the reality faced by many in the community

IS IT OK TO SAY ‘GYPSY’?

The word ‘gypsy’ can absolutely be used as a racial slur to belittle, appropriate, or dismiss ethnic communities. However, many Romany groups across Europe use the word to describe themselves with pride, and you will find it’s commonly used by individuals and community-led action, advocacy, and charitable groups here in the UK. Generally, the term ‘traveller’ is most commonly used, but if you’re in any doubt about how to refer to an individual, the best thing to do is follow their lead, or to ask them about it.

and it is very misunderstood – so I think people who are having problems, if they were to go to a doctor or a therapist who hasn’t been briefed on the community and how the community works, they could feel quite misunderstood and, therefore, that leads to a lot of shame.”

Xenna’s insight rings true. In January 2019, the Government published its first-ever crossgovernment suicide prevention work plan. The new national plan felt like a watershed moment for mental health work, but analysis from the Friends Families and Travellers group (FFT) found that of the 79 local suicide prevention plans, which represent 113 local areas, only five plans mentioned GRT communities, and only two plans identified activities to address suicide inequalities in GRT communities.

“Showmen Travellers, and other Traveller communities, are still brushed under that carpet and, actually, we need to bring it out of its shell and let it be known,” Xenna adds.

Racism under the radar

Despite the fact that Travellers have been part of British society since at least the 1500s, racism, discrimination, harassment, and marginalisation continue. My own Romany family can be traced back to the 1700s, when they first arrived in Hampshire and, similarly to Xenna, coming from a now-settled family, I often bear witness to everything from anti-traveller rhetoric, up to racism and discrimination directed at others – as if it’s ‘us against them’.

“I’ve been in situations where people will say, ‘This p**** did this’, or whatever – I just stand there, completely silent,” Xenna shares. “When I was at school, I probably had more racist comments said to me then. It doesn’t really happen now, because I went in on myself about it, and only really told people about my background when I felt like they hadn’t already made their pre-judgement.”

In findings from the ‘Hate:

As Regular As Rain’ pilot study at Buckinghamshire New University, a large proportion of support workers surveyed said that more than 90% of their Traveller clients who had completed or attempted suicide had previously experienced hate incidents. But racism and

prejudice against Travellers continue. The chances are, you may have witnessed it yourself – particularly on social media, which the FFT highlighted as an urgent area of concern during National Hate Crime Awareness Week 2020, when it called for better responses from social media companies and stronger support from the police.

suicide

Bringing it to the forefront

It’s important to recognise the huge amount of work that the Traveller community is doing to reach those at risk of suicide and poor mental health, many of which are mentioned throughout this article. Xenna plays a key role in this herself; she’s involved with the Showmen’s Mental Health Awareness charity, which offers funding for private counselling via self-referals, as well as working on education and awareness.

In 2019, siblings Mark and Caroline set up One Call Away, a confidential phone line to support those from the community experiencing depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, self-harm, and anxiety. And the Gypsy and Traveller League (GTL) – a new charity set up to tackle mental health – launched in April 2022,

kicking off its campaign with a seven-aside football and pool competition. That’s just a couple of elements in what is now a major movement. But those not in the Traveller community can help, too. Becoming aware of the issue is the first step, the next is action. Whether that be reporting racism, harassment, or discrimination when you see it on social media, challenging friends or family (a simple ‘that’s not OK’ is all it takes), taking time to learn more about Traveller history, and growing your awareness of legislation that may harm the community – if you want it to, change can start now.

Organisations to use, support, and share

• The Traveller Movement (UK-wide)

• Traveller Pride (LGBTQIA+)

• Moving for Change (UK-wide)

• Friends Family and Travellers (UK-wide)

• Roma Support Group (UK-wide)

• Gypsy Traveller League (UK-wide)

• Leeds GATE Suicide Prevention Service (Leeds)

• Irish Community Care (Liverpool/ Merseyside/ Cheshire/Wigan/ Leigh/Halton)

• Traveller Counselling Service (Ireland)

• GATE Herts (Hertfordshire)

• London Gypsies and Travellers (London)

• OneVoice4Travellers (East Anglia)

• York Travellers Trust (Yorkshire)

of Travellers have been personally affected by

9

eco-friendly tech habits

It’s time for the digital age to dial down the CO2 production. Here’s how you can do your part and engage in more sustainable behaviours

Writing | Rebecca Thair

How much time do you spend using tech each day? Whether it’s working from a screen or calling a client, checking in with a friend on Whatsapp, tracking your walk on a wearable device, playing music via Alexa, chilling out with some TV, or feeling safe with home security, it’s pretty much impossible to imagine a day without utilising the array of modern technology in our lives. But, how is this affecting our planet?

The environmental impact is the true cost of convenience that many of us overlook in our day-to-day lives. Every email sent, appliance charged, and image loaded contributes to carbon emissions. So how can we be more mindful about our tech habits? Here are nine simple, but effective, changes that you can incorporate into your digital day:

Device settings

Save power simply by adjusting the automatic settings on your screens – whether it’s your phone,

laptop, TV, or tablet. By reducing the brightness of your screen and the volume down to 70%, Harvard University reports that you could save 20% of your energy consumption – costing you less, and meaning your battery should last longer too.

Inbox organisation

Did you know estimates suggest that every email produces between 0.03 and 26g of carbon –the longer messages, with more images or attachments, and recipients copied in, all adding to the total. It’s something we can easily overlook, but with overflowing inbox and spam folders, and 306 billion emails sent in 2021 alone (according to Statista), it can quickly add up. Rectify the situation by having a clear-out; unsubscribe from the sales emails, historic newsletters, or random junk you’ve accumulated over the years that you never open, and reserve space only for messages that actually have value to you.

Minimise messaging

Carrying on the email thread, a place where over-sending is rife is at work, where we automatically ‘reply all’ or send that quick ‘OK thanks’ in a message of its own. But how necessary is that? Choosing to limit how many emails you actually send to only those that are absolutely essential, collating all info into one message, and reducing the thank you pleasantries (perhaps by saying ‘Thank you in advance’), will drastically cut back on waste – and probably save you a lot of time, on top of that.

Unplug those sockets

Our need to always be available means we’re almost conditioned to constantly have things ‘on charge’ –and our power sockets are working overtime, even when the devices aren’t attached. Save electricity, and probably a few pennies on those bills, by switching off sockets instead of leaving appliances on standby, and only charging devices when they need it.

Axe the autoplay

When you open a browser or start watching something on YouTube, you might find videos are playing straight away without the need for you to click on them, and this can be problematic (and annoying) for a few reasons. Not only is autoplay bad for accessibility, but loading videos produces more CO2, so particularly if pages are autoplaying videos you’re not interested in, it’s a huge waste. You should be able to do this in most

browsers by going to settings, then security and privacy, and an option there along the lines of media/videos in order to select autoplay off – but not it’s not currently possible for Chrome users.

Bookmark the basics

Every time you Google search, you’re loading thousands of results and producing additional CO2, when a simple solution to cut down on the carbon would

be to save your favourite sites as bookmarks, so you can jump straight to them with minimal loading in between.

Green browsers

Switching to a more environmentally-friendly browser to do good while doing your dayto-day online surfing couldn’t be easier. Sites like Ecosia have a free extension you can add to Chrome, which enables it to plant trees from the profits of your searches – with 164 million planted so far (and counting).

Download your faves

Streaming might be the norm, and has helped to reduce plastic waste from CDs, but it produces far more CO2 to play the same album over and over again than simply downloading it to your device. It might be that you can’t download everything because of storage limitations, but your top playlists, or go-to road trip albums, could be worth saving.

Cut down on your digital consumption

The simplest way to reduce your digital carbon footprint is by spending less time online. You might want to set limits on certain apps to stop you from mindless scrolling, or devote one evening or day a week to some screen-free serenity. It could be moving away from multitasking, and not having the telly on in the background while you’re on a tablet? However you approach things, more awareness of your digital footprint can help your to take steps in a more eco-friendly direction.

Every email sent, appliance charged, and image loaded, contributes to carbon emissions

Trauma-informed nutrition

Exploring the complex ways traumatic experiences impact us, and the essential reason why practitioners and clients must be aware of it

Discussions concerning trauma tend to centre around the mental, emotional, and physical impacts of traumatic events. But in recent years, this has expanded to explore the relationship between nutrition, trauma, and physical and mental health. Let’s take a closer look.

What is trauma?

The charity Mind speaks of emotional or physiological trauma as the result of very stressful, frightening, or distressing events which cause lasting harm, even if the harmful effects are not immediately obvious.

Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are harmful events that can occur from as early as in the womb through to age 17, and do not have to be remembered by the child to be traumatic. Examples include experiencing violence, abuse, neglect, or household dysfunction, and adversity including bullying, poverty, war, natural disaster, discrimination, pandemics, medical trauma, and

involvement with child protective services. According to the California Centre for Public Health, up to six in 10 people have experienced at least one ACE, and one in six have experienced at least four.

Expanding trauma from the individual to the collective experience, Historical Trauma is that which is experienced by ethnic, racial, or cultural groups over generations – such as slavery, the Holocaust, and colonisation. Then there is Systemic Trauma, which refers to the environments and institutions that contribute to traumatic experiences.

Trauma is multilayered, and has the potential to impact our daily lives. The lasting effects are present irrespective of how or when the trauma occurred. So, the question is: how can trauma-informed nutrition support clients more effectively?

Trauma and nutrition

For some, adverse food-related experiences can be a source of trauma. This includes unreliable

or unpredictable meals, imposed restriction or control of food, body shaming, and reward or punishment using food. Trauma may also impact food habits and result in eating disorders and disordered eating, food addictions, high fat, salt or sugar diets, an over reliance on convenience food, and poor food budgeting and planning.

According to Mind, people who have experienced trauma have an increased risk of chronic and long-term illness, including severe obesity, heart disease, strokes, and diabetes. To effectively support their clients, nutrition practitioners who aim to address root causes of illness understand that trauma is a contributory root cause for illness and disease.

Claudine is a naturopathic nutritionist and health coach. Find out more by visiting the Nutritionist Resource.

CLAUDINE THORNHILL NT (Dip CNM) mANP

The gut/brain axis is central to discussions about trauma and nutrition. Through the vagus nerve, there is a two-way communication between the gut and the brain using hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol, which influence our feelings and mood. It explains why we may feel nervous jitters in our stomach, have looser stools when stressed, or feel nauseous when in distress. Our gut microbiome directly impacts these hormonal messages, so a healthy gut can support this process.

Trauma-informed nutrition

This approach acknowledges the role adversity plays in a person’s life, recognises symptoms of

trauma, and promotes resilience.

As noted by the California Department for Public Health, trauma-informed nutrition understands that unhealthy food choices, poor health outcomes, and chronic disease may be a result of trauma, rather than individual choice. In this way, some of the stigma, shame, and blame associated with discussions around diet and health, can be avoided.

Trauma-informed nutrition in practice

Trauma-informed nutrition is still an emerging area, as we start to understand more about the mind-body connection, the gut/brain axis, and the gut

microbiome. We’re also learning more about how healing the gut can support mental health, such as the benefits of supporting the gut microbiome for people with depression and anxiety.

In practice, trauma-informed nutrition:

• Acknowledges the role of individual, historical, and systemic trauma on health outcomes and food habits.

• Encourages healing and a healthy relationship with food.

• Focuses on holistic health and wellbeing, rather than BMI and obesity.

• Reduces the emphasis on individual behaviour change, and focuses on the individual’s ability and willingness to take on new behaviours.

• Recognises that nutrition interventions may be triggering to some, e.g. asking clients for their weight or measurements.

• Acknowledges clients’ skills and strengths, while aiming to reduce shame, anxiety, confusion, and tension.

• Practices cultural humility, while addressing conscious and unconscious bias.

Dr Gabor Maté, whose work centres around childhood development and the impacts of trauma on the body, sums up the far reaching impacts of trauma: “Trauma is not what happens to you. It’s what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.” Trauma-informed nutrition is a sure way of treating trauma from the inside out.

The joy of reading aloud to each other

Writing | Kate Orson

Reading aloud is an activity we might assume is just for young children who can’t read themselves. However, when my 10-year-old daughter recently asked me to read a book to her one evening, I realised that there is something more to it. She has an Audible library packed with books to choose from, and a bookshelf full of her own books. But, that night, she chose me. She likes the way I do the voices, and we both enjoyed the time bonding and connecting together.

In a world where we have access to an infinite amount of audiobooks at the click of a button, the idea of reading to each other might seem incredibly oldfashioned, and it is! In fact, it has a very rich history. In philosopher St Augustine’s Confessions, written around 400 AD, he reflects on the reading habits of Ambrose, the Bishop of Milan.

“When Ambrose used to read, his eyes were drawn through the pages, while his heart searched for its meaning; however, his voice and tongue were quiet. Often when we were present – for anyone could approach him and it was not his habit that visitors be announced to him – we saw him reading in this fashion, silently and never otherwise.”

The Bishop’s silent habits were considered an unusual anomaly. In Saint Augustine’s era, reading aloud was the way to do it.

While silent reading gradually caught on as time went by, reading aloud was still common. Prior to a world of television, radio, and internet, reading aloud was a source of entertainment, particularly when not everyone was literate. It was part of daily life, in people’s homes, or at the local pub. In the diary of Samuel Pepys, written in the 1660s, Pepys recalls his domestic life, reading aloud to his wife in the evenings,

and laughing together about a book that was ‘sillily writ’. On one occasion, he befriends a woman in a carriage and persuades her to read to him. When his wife was upset with him, talking, listening, and reading aloud were how they made up.

Today, in an age of distraction, we might put on an audiobook while loading the dishwasher, or to pass the time while driving. In these moments our attention is split, the clatter of dirty dishes interrupting the voices, or the honking of horns, a red light, and the frustration we feel during drives. There’s a whole cornucopia of sensory input demanding our attention. But when we listen to a loved one, it’s not just that we get to hear their voice. We see their mannerisms and facial expressions as they read the story. It is a multi-sensory experience that involves sight, sound, and even touch if we

It is a multisensory experience that involves sight, sound, and even touch if we snuggle close together

and the world through their loved one’s choices of books.

Modern habits can become ingrained, and it might seem strange to pick up a book and read it to an adult loved one. If you’ve never tried it before, it doesn’t have to be the chapter of a whole book, but could be a snippet from a magazine, newspaper, or anything that feels interesting and relevant to share. A friend recently came to visit and she brought with her a story from the Guardian by Hannah Bourne-Taylor. Bourne-Taylor, the author of the memoir, Fledgling, adopted a baby bird that nested in her hair for nearly three months. It transfixed our whole family, both young and old.

You could ask someone to read to you, or take turns. You could start a reading-aloud book group, where each week people gather interesting short snippets; a poem, an extract from a book, or a story from a newspaper supplement – maybe even this very article. Flash fiction, stories of 750 words or less, are perfect for those new to the format of

listening to stories. Perhaps there are local author events, where writers read aloud, and offer the opportunity to hear the words on the page, exactly as they were intended to sound.

Reading, perhaps surprisingly, also comes with many physical benefits. One study found that reading for 30 minutes lowered blood pressure, heart rate, and feelings of psychological distress just as effectively as yoga. When

we reinstate reading as a social activity to share with others, we help to create a community where these benefits can be shared. A good book is like setting off on a long journey – we don’t know exactly where it will take us. When we invite others along, we may find ourselves branching off in different directions, learning more about the world, real or imaginary – and, most magically, about each other.

TALKING TINNITUS

TALKING TINNITUS

Ringing, whistling, humming, buzzing – we often talk about the physical side of the hearing condition tinnitus, but it can take its toll on our wellbeing, too. Here, Emmie Harrison-West reflects on her own story, and explores the management tools that work for her and others

Iremember hearing it for the first time, that ringing noise. It came to me in the dark, when I was in my late teens. It sounded like the screeching, erratic tones of dialup broadband. Or like someone keeping their finger pressed on the doorbell deep inside my head – and there was no way to stop it. It would come and go. Sometimes I’d hear a rush of high-pitched ringing throughout the day, but it was worse at night.

Until my early 20s, I was constantly anxious and on edge before bed. Sometimes, I dreaded going to sleep in case I had a flare-up. When it happened, I’d spend hours staring at the ceiling, wishing for it (whatever it was) to disappear again. I suffered for it during the day. Felt drained, emotional, and tearful. Stress only made it worse; it was a truly vicious cycle.

Turns out that noise, deep in my ears, was tinnitus, and I joined the one in eight adults in the UK who suffer from it.

“Tinnitus is the name for hearing noises in your ears or head that are not caused by an

outside source,” Franki Oliver, audiology adviser at the Royal National Institute for Deaf People (RNID) told me. “It’s often described as ‘ringing in the ears’, but some people describe it as hissing, humming, buzzing, or whooshing.”

“Imagine hearing an unwanted sound all day,” Carly Sygrove, coach and hearing loss blogger told me. “Perhaps it’s the highpitched whirring of the fridge, or maybe it’s a noisy neighbour playing music throughout the day. Like these scenarios, tinnitus is an intrusive sound, and there’s no way of turning it off.”

Two years ago, aged 27, I was diagnosed with hearing loss and tinnitus, one of a reported 12 million deaf people in the UK. I realised my hearing wasn’t quite right when I couldn’t understand people who wore masks – it was only then that it dawned on me how much I relied on lip-reading.

“Many people wrongly assume that it is their tinnitus, rather than their hearing loss, that is causing hearing difficulties,” Nic Wray, communications manager at British Tinnitus Association

told me. They added that the causes of tinnitus are still ‘not fully understood,’ but could be triggered by exposure to loud noise, ear infections, wax buildup,’ and even Covid-19, or long Covid.

At first, thinking it was a wax build-up, I sought help from an audiologist who soon diagnosed me with mild nerve deafness. It was genetic, but likely exacerbated by listening to loud music through ear buds, or going to loud concerts growing up.

According to Duncan ColletFenson, audiologist at Aston Hearing: “We can all experience temporary tinnitus when we spend the evening at a loud event.” He added: “Our ears can be ‘buzzing’ for a few hours or days afterwards.

“If the noise exposure is extremely loud or over extended periods of time, the damage can be permanent and result in long-term tinnitus, which can be distressing,” he said. It didn’t help that I worked in a call-centre as a teen, either. I remember working 10-hour shifts, and taking my headset off >>>

to a ringing in my head. Now, I’m advised that I need hearing aids to protect my level of hearing now, as it’s only going to get worse.

“Most people are able to manage their tinnitus, or don’t notice it’s there, but for some it can have a significant effect on their lives,” Franki Oliver told me. “Tinnitus can also have an impact on our mental health and wellbeing. Unfortunately, increased stress can also make tinnitus seem louder, which causes someone to pay attention to the tinnitus.”

According to a recent study conducted by the BTA, 52% of respondents with tinnitus reported low mood or sadness, with 43% saying it got worse with anxiety. More than a third (39%) stated that it made them feel worried or anxious.

“Tinnitus has a big influence on quality of life, and the impact on mental health can be severe,” Nic Wray explains. “It’s an isolating condition, and more than a third of respondents report feeling that their partner or family don’t understand.” Nic told me that one in three with tinnitus felt they had no one to turn to, with a shocking one in 10 reporting suicidal thoughts.

Hearing loss is irreversible. But while there’s no cure, as such, thankfully there are ways to manage tinnitus. “Tinnitus often resolves by itself, as the brain learns to filter out the noise –this is called habituation,” Nic says. “For others, management techniques help reduce it to a less intrusive level.” It doesn’t mean you need to ‘miss out’ on life, either.

Personally, I found that wearing reusable, so-called ‘party’, earplugs helped me at concerts and festivals, reducing the ringing in my ears afterwards, without missing out on my favourite tunes or conversations with friends. This helps reduce loud volumes to a safe level, without scrimping on quality. I also banned in-ear buds or pods, choosing over-ear headphones and abiding by safe noise levels (this is under 85dB – and there’s many settings on smartphones to help control this).

I found that applying subtitles to TV shows helped, too. It eased my stress if I couldn’t hear a show as well as I thought I should have, and it meant I wasn’t over-exerting myself, finally able to relax.

Carly Sygrove told me that keeping a diary of her symptoms identified her triggers. “I realised that stress, lack of sleep, alcohol, salty foods, and stormy weather all caused my tinnitus to spike. Just having more understanding of my triggers made me feel more in control,” she added. “I love walking in the countryside, and as soon as I’m surrounded by nature, I feel calm.”

A quiet noise in the background, during an episode, can help encourage your brain to tune into something different, too. “This could perhaps be a fan, the radio, or music,” Nic Wray told me. “It should be played at a quieter level than your tinnitus, so your brain can choose to listen to the more interesting sound,” they added. “Finally, many people find it helpful to talk to someone about

their tinnitus,” Franki Oliver says. Experts recommend joining forums, support groups, and coaching sessions to boost selfconfidence, both in-person or online, and sharing experiences with friends and family to help make you feel less alone.

But above all, it’s important to visit a specialist if you’re worried, or if you notice your hearing changing. Charities like the RNID and BTA both have free, impartial helplines to contact, if you’re unsure of where to turn.

Now, rather than feel overwhelmed, I practise selfcontrol. While it was a bitter pill to swallow, knowing that my hearing loss will never go away, there’s a sense of power in preserving what I have, on my own terms. I don’t let it rule my life, rather I rule it, and I know that I’m not alone. Plus, how cute are sparkling pink hearing aids going to look?

That noise was tinnitus, and I joined the one in eight adults in the UK who suffer from it

Happiful recommends

PAGE-TURNERS

My Year In Small Drawings: Notice, Draw, Appreciate by Matilda

Tristram

If you’re seeking a new creative outlet, this wonderfully visual diary is a fantastic place to start. From trees to objects in the window, get drawing little-by-little with Matilda Tristram’s sketching prompts, designed to help you find a moment of relaxation throughout the year. (Leaping Hare Press, out now, £10.99)

2

OUT AND ABOUT

Go for a gratitude walk

ACT OF KINDNESS

Donate a letter

There’s no denying that one letter can make someone’s day – especially for those who are going through a difficult time and living with cancer. By donating a letter through the charity ‘From Me to You’, you’ll be helping someone feel less alone on their journey. So if you want to put pen to paper and spread a little bit of kindness, sign up today. (Visit frommetoyouletters.co.uk)

LEND US YOUR EARS

‘Radio Lento’

‘Radio Lento’ is a must for anyone who enjoys listening to the sound of birds tweeting in the morning, crashing coastal waves, or falling rain. Bring the outside in and be transported to a moment of solitude with these un-edited soothing soundscapes from around the UK. What are you waiting for? And relax… (Available on some podcast platforms)

3 4 5

When life gets busy, it can be difficult to make time to recognise the things that make you happy, but going on a gratitude walk can be an effective solution. Use your daily walk to think about what you’re thankful for, or use prompts from a gratitude scavenger hunt to help you better understand yourself. For example, pick up something along the way that makes you thankful, or find one thing that you love to smell.

PLUGGED-IN

Dr Justin Puder

Dr Justin Puder is a therapist and psychologist who uses funny and informative TikTok videos to educate his viewers on mental health, in the hope of reducing the stigma and helping people along the way. Whether you want to learn more, or you just fancy a relatable chuckle, give him a follow!

(@amoderntherapist on TikTok)

From a book that will reignite your creativity to an outdoor activity made for moments of reflection, try something new with our enriching suggestions

Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

LESSON LEARNED

Self soothing

Can you really hug your way to better health? Apparently so! When your nervous system is heightened, experts suggest that by wrapping your arms tightly around yourself and embracing yourself in a warm self-hug, it can instantly lower your cortisol levels and calm your body.

9

SQUARE EYES Stutz

TECH TIP-OFFS

Kneady

Whether you’re new to bread-making or you’re a regular Paul Hollywood, we have the perfect app for you! Discover award-winning bread recipes from around the world, and find inspiration for your latest bake with a like-minded community of fellow bread-makers. Making bread has never been so easy… (Available on the app store)

8

GET GOING

Tabata training

Don’t have time for a lengthy workout? Tabata training is a form of HIIT workout that allows you to build your fitness levels with cardio exercises in 20 minutes. The workout is broken down into separate intervals which allows you to do each exercise for 20 seconds in rounds of eight, with a 10-second rest between each. Are you up for the challenge?

If you’ve had a positive experience with therapy, you’ll know the feeling of wanting to share it with others, and that’s exactly what actor Jonah Hill does in his moving documentary. Jonah documents the candid conversations between himself and his therapist Phil Stutz, as they both open up about personal experiences and share the tools for a less anxious life. (Available to watch on Netflix)

TREAT YOURSELF

‘Colour Me Calm’ Letterbox Gift

If you know someone who could do with a little pick-me-up, ‘Colour Me Calm’ is the perfect letterbox surprise. Filled with self-care indulgences, such as a mindfulness colouring book to help you find a mindful moment, a Supertea tea bag, and chocolate bar for your ‘me time’ moments, encourage your loved one to take some time for themselves and find a moment of calm. (£16 at walterandmay.co.uk)

WIN A ‘COLOUR ME CALM’ LETTERBOX GIFT

For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com

Which of these colours is known to create a sense of calm?

7 6 10 culture

a) Blue

b) Red

c) Black

How to help kids develop healthy gaming habits

Want to equip the children in your life with the skills they need to develop a healthy relationship with what’s on their screens? Game on

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

In May 2019, the World Health Organization (WHO) officially voted to include an entry on ‘gaming disorder’ as a behavioural addiction. As WHO defines it, gaming disorder isn’t about the number of hours spent gaming, instead, it’s more about getting to the point where gaming affects relationships, school, work, or sleep over a long period of time, usually at least a year.

Shortly after the WHO addition, The National Centre for Gaming Disorders, run by the Central and North West London NHS Foundation, opened – subsequently finding that around 70% of those treated were aged 18 or under, and nearly 90% were male.

Now, of course, not everyone who plays games a lot has a problem – the majority have a good, fun relationship with it. But how can you help your child develop healthy gaming habits, to set them up for the future?

SPOT THE SIGNS OF PROBLEM GAMING

Dr Nick Wakefield, a clinical psychologist, echoes the advice from WHO, and points out that time spent gaming isn’t an accurate measurement of a problem. For one person, two hours a day is problematic, five is fine for another. Instead, he suggests considering the following:

• Emotions. Is someone using gaming exclusively to manage their emotions and boost their self-esteem? Do they express dissatisfaction with their life in the physical world and preference for life in the gaming world? Also, do they experience intense distress when they cannot enter the gaming world and sacrifice other activities that they previously enjoyed for gaming?

• Social. Do they rely on the gaming world for their social interactions and do they have difficulty with social interactions and communication in the physical world?

• Overvaluing gaming. Do they talk about things in the gaming world too much? Do they experience little sense of achievement in the physical world?

• Disengaging. Do they have trouble stopping, or have failed attempts to reduce gaming? Do they withdraw when not allowed to play?

• Financial. Are they spending increasing amounts of money on and in gaming?

TAKING IT SERIOUSLY

There can be a tendency to brush gaming, as a hobby, to the side, and perhaps look at it as less worthwhile when compared to other, more traditional activities. But Dr Wakefield believes that parents treating gaming as frivolous can become a risk factor for problem gaming.

“The first step to engaging with your children around the issue of problem gaming is acknowledging the importance of it to them,” he explains. “As with everything, you get further in behaviour change if you align with the person and see their perspective than if you get into a confrontation.”

SETTING BOUNDARIES

Placing limits and rules around gaming may seem like the instinctual path, but there are a couple of things you should consider when doing so.

“They should not be too strict, or too permissive,” Dr Wakefield says. “Consistency with rules and consequences between parents is key, and be prepared to negotiate.

“Consider protected gaming time and protected non-gaming time, with other times being open for discussion. Try to remember that there is a social element to many games, and that restricting times when games are played may be more than just restricting the game, it may be restricting muchneeded social interactions.”

MEETING THEIR NEEDS

It’s possible that the child may be getting certain needs, such as social needs and achievements, met while gaming, in ways that they may not do in real life.

“Parents need to understand what it is their child gets out of gaming and support them to develop physical-world means of getting these needs met, while not completely abandoning the gaming world,” Dr Wakefield says. “Help them to figure out what is going wrong in the physical world, and work on correcting it.”

Could you, for example, encourage more real-world meetups? Or are there ways you can help boost their self-esteem?

A hard truth that Dr Wakefield points to is that family dynamics can often be a risk factor for problematic gaming (is there a lot of stress and conflict that’s causing them to seek an escape?). Family therapy can help with this.

UNDERSTAND HEALTHY VS UNHEALTHY GAMING

“Rightly, parents are worried about gaming. But not all gaming is problematic or bad,” says Dr Nick Wakefield. “There can be many benefits of gaming

MEET THE EXPERT

70%

OF THOSE TREATED FOR GAMING DISORDER WERE AGED 18 OR UNDER

including developing cognitive abilities such as problem-solving and cognitive flexibility, social skills, and stress relief.”

Millions of players across the world find joy in gaming, and so if it’s an interest of the child, helping them with a healthy relationship is worth the investment.

“The gaming industry is also varied, therefore there are lots of opportunities to turn a hobby into a career from being part of a gaming team (big business) to game production and design,” he continues. “It’s a matter of harnessing interest and talent in the right direction.”

Dr Nick Wakefield is a clinical psychologist specialising in trauma, personality disorders, and addictions. Find more on the Counselling Directory.

I AM WORTHY I AM ENOUGH I

AM TALENTED I AM STRONG

I AM CAPABLE I AM BRAVE I AM EXPERIENCED I AM KIND AND I DESERVE THIS I ADD VALUE TO THE WORLD AND I AM WORTHY OF PRAISE I AM UNIQUE AND I FEEL HAPPINESS AND JOY I LOVE AND I AM LOVED I AM WORTHY I AM ENOUGH I AM TALENTED I AM

AND I

AM

I

A taste of success: what to eat and drink before that big interview

You’ve confirmed the date, done your homework, and even laid out your confidence-boosting outfit. But have you considered what you consume? It turns out, how we fuel ourselves could be key to tackling pre-interview nerves, and leaving you with a razor-sharp focus. Here’s what to eat to help you smash your next job interview (and what to leave in the fridge until afterwards)

Writing | Jenna Farmer

Whether it’s the chance of a promotion or an exciting new challenge, most of us try to feel prepared before we head into the interview room. While you might have done your research, rehearsed your answers, and got a good night’s sleep, have you considered what you tuck into that morning?

The truth is that what you eat before an interview (and what to ditch), is actually a pretty important part of preparing for the job you want – whether it’s keeping you calm, or stopping an energy crash during that all important ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ question. So, let’s take a look at the best food

and drink to opt for before your interview – and what to save until later.

Food for thought

First things first, it’s really important to remember to eat and hydrate properly before an interview, as this is essential nourishment for mental performance. However, according to the Association of UK Dieticians (BDA), about one third of us skip breakfast on a regular basis, even though there’s lots of reasons why you shouldn’t –especially with a mentally-taxing workplace situation. Research has proven that starting the day with a good breakfast helps with our concentration and mental alertness, as well as our memory

and energy – all of which would be undeniably handy in a stressful interview scenario.

In terms of specifics around what to eat before the big moment, there’s both short and long-term things to consider. “B vitamins are really important for mental performance and brain health in general,” says dietitian Sophie Medlin, director of CityDietitians. “Meat and dairy are rich in this but if you’re vegan, you may consider supplementing. Omega 3 is also really important. We can get this from vegan algae and oily fish.” While a single supplement won’t necessarily help you nail the interview, they could be worth trying to support your overall mental performance in the workplace. >>>

= JOB INTERVIEW SUCCESS

*results may vary

But what if the interview is tomorrow? Well, there are still a few quick-fixes worth trying.

“For an immediate boost, there’s data to show those who have a blueberry smoothie before an exam, have better mental performance and outcomes,” says Sophie Medlin. “Foods rich in antioxidants and polyphenols help improve blood flow and are important for mental performance.”

Other research has revealed the benefits of blueberries when taken along with other berries, such as strawberry and raspberry. One study in the journal Nutrients found that drinking a smoothie, which included a mix of different berries, helped maintain or improve cognitive performance over a six-hour day – plenty of time to help you ace even the longest of interviews.

And how about your morning brew? Well it could assist with making you more alert. “Caffeine can be helpful to a certain extent – a small dose prior can be helpful before a point you want mental performance. However, too much makes you jittery, especially if you’re feeling nervous. You could swap this for green tea, this contains a balancing amino acid, which gives you the mental energy from caffeine without the jitters,” explains Sophie Medlin.

Addressing anxiety

According to one survey from JDP, more than 90% of us feel anxious before a job interview, and it’s no wonder as these can be extremely stressful situations. To tackle this, firstly make sure to

drink plenty of water. Dehydration may actually make your anxiety worse, so it’s a good reason to take a bottle of water with you into that interview. You may also find certain beverages helpful with your pre-interview nerves, such as camomile tea, for example, which has been found to help with anxiety.

When we’re anxious, many of us naturally crave sugar. While we don’t want to reach for a ton of sugary snacks before the meeting (more on why that’s a bad idea in a moment!), tucking into a few squares of dark chocolate could be a helpful, as it’s been found to help boost your mood.

you’re a naturally anxious person, there’s two types of drinks to avoid.

“If you’re at all prone to nerves, avoid alcohol and caffeine before it,” says Sophie Medlin. But if you can’t bear to go decaf, you may be able to have your morning latte. Technically, around four cups of coffee a day shouldn’t cause any negative effects, but some people are more sensitive to caffeine than others.

If your interview is first thing, eating a high protein breakfast is a great idea. Think about making an omelette or smoked salmon (which also offers an omega 3 boost) on wholemeal toast. High protein foods help balance your blood sugar, which, in turn, can aid with preventing anxiety or a change of mood.

Cuisine to cut out

While making sure you don’t head to the interview hungry or dehydrated is top priority, there are a few things you can sidestep to help you perform at your best as well. Firstly, if

Next, ditch the sugary snacks. “Be conscious of foods that are high in refined sugars, and opt for high protein instead. You want your blood sugar to stay stable during the interview!” explains Sophie. Ever found yourself wanting to nap at your desk after indulging in a few slices of your colleague’s birthday cake? That’s why. And this doesn’t just mean sweet treats. Any refined carbohydrates, such as white bread and pasta, will make your blood sugar spike quickly, with it being thought this could contribute to poorer memory. While we can’t promise you’ll get the role of your dreams, we hope these simple nutrition tips have helped you feel equipped in the best ways to support your body during your next job interview. By focusing on staying hydrated, eating high protein foods, and avoiding refined sugar, you can ensure you feel your very best when you walk through the door to that next opportunity.

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease, and blogs at abalancedbelly.co.uk

Dehydration may actually make your anxiety worse

MAGGIE NELSON, THE ARGONAUTS

Photograph | Matheus Ferrero

Empirically speaking, we are made of star stuff. Why aren’t we talking more about that?

Four free mindfulness websites

Add these to your bookmarks bar – a sense of serenity could be just a click away

Donothingfor2minutes.com

Doing what it says on the tin, this site is here to help you take a proper break. There’s nothing on the site, except for a beautiful ocean background, the sound of crashing waves, and a two-minute timer that counts backwards. If you touch your mouse or your keyboard, the timer resets – so, commit to the break, breath deeply, and let the stress go.

Weavesilk.com

On this website, you can create beautiful, neon art by just dragging your mouse across the screen. From mindful mandalas to expressive freeform, switch off and let the colours unfold in front of you.

Bubblespop.netlify.app

Love the release that comes with popping bubble wrap, but don’t have any to hand? With this virtual bubble wrap simulator, you can switch off, and pop to your heart’s content.

Tetris.com

You’ll likely be familiar with the classic, shape-matching game. But did you know that it could actually be great for our mental health? During

the pandemic, Oxford-based researchers developed an app based on Tetris, designed for A&E workers. The app provided daily reminders to play the game, while tracking the player’s anxiety symptoms. What they found was that those who played for between 12–13 minutes suffered fewer trauma-related memories. So, this really could be a powerful site to have on your bookmark bar.

How I found a sanctuary in OCD

How I found a sanctuary in OCD

It’s a condition that affects 1–2% of the population, but it’s often misunderstood. So what is it like to live with obsessive compulsive disorder? One man shares his story of acceptance and advocacy

When we hear the word OCD, many images come to mind: cleanliness, symmetry. Maybe even something comical – “I am so OCD.”

But for those living with OCD, it is the opposite of comical. I use the word ‘living’ and not ‘suffering’, as language is very important. ‘Suffering’ infers a constant state of negativity, trying to survive, whereas ‘living’ suggests a harmony. I live with OCD. So, let me tell you how I remain happy with its existence in my everyday life.

I received my OCD diagnosis on Saturday 4 June, at 27 years old. According to OCDaction, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety condition that causes someone to become stuck in a cycle of distressing obsessions and compulsions. And it’s much more common than originally thought, with estimates

of those with the condition suggesting between 1–2% of the population have OCD. That’s anywhere between 600,000 and just over one million people.

Even so, OCD is often trivialised, not helped by TV shows like Obsessive-Compulsive Cleaners. First airing in 2013, in this portrayal OCD was shown to be almost desirable. That couldn’t be more wrong. Additionally, the numbers (given by OCD UK) show that “only 26.5% of people with it actually have cleaning compulsions”.

Throwaway comments of willful ignorance about OCD perpetuate misconceptions, and do not reflect the torture it can, at times, create.

OCD popped up in my life around three years ago in the form of a sexually intrusive thought, triggered by being given chlamydia three times by people I dated and trusted. Thoughts like “You still have chlamydia,” “You must have HIV,” and “I need to go

to the sexual health clinic,” ran through my mind like a neverending marathon. Whenever I tried to remove the thought, like the Whac-A-Mole game, it kept popping up. OCD migrated to obsessional thoughts of sexual assault, with the intrusive thought of “rape” popping into my head constantly. Due to these thoughts, I incessantly and illogically believed that I was a rapist. My intrusive thoughts then moved to suicide.

As you would expect, depression hit me like a freight train. Why was I having such detestable thoughts? Thoughts so against who I was as a person?

I was unaware that sexually intrusive thoughts were a part of OCD. But now, since learning that OCD manifests itself through thoughts, urges, and images, I am able to differentiate between my own thoughts and OCD thoughts. It has been a relief. OCD remains

Writing | Shaun Flores

a part of my life, but it is not all Shaun Flores is.

People often talk about triggers, what about glimmers? Glimmers are those positive moments that change our pain, turning it into something heartwarming. The glimmers for me are the things I took for granted. OCD taught me to live every day and to stop simply existing. My first glimmer was when I contacted Emma Garrick, aka ‘The Anxiety Whisperer’. She immediately knew what happened when I came to her. We began therapy, which allowed me to breathe a little and start my journey to recovery (which was difficult).

I had to perform some of the toughest actions in my life to face

my worst fears of being a rapist, gay, and suicidal. Exposures are key with OCD, to show you your worst fear won’t come true because you think it. OCD directly throws all your fears and worries at you, like an assault on the mind. But time is redemptive. My therapist has been a revolutionary agent in my recovery from OCD. The thoughts still pop in and out, but I react better.

Now, I have repurposed my pain into my passion and purpose. OCD brought me to my knees in torrid straits, but I have been lifted up through serving others in the OCD community. I now work to help others on their OCD recovery journeys. The OCD community is truly unlike any other; the

Shaun Flores is an OCD advocate, model, and influencer aiming to have the right influence on the world. Follow him @theshaunflores, and listen to him speak on Happiful’s podcast ‘I am. I have’ available wherever you get your podcasts.

supportive messages have been awe-inspiring, and knowing I am not alone has been a lifesaver.

I’m a volunteer advocate with the UK-based charity Orchard OCD, dedicated to trying to research and fund better and faster treatments for OCD. Why? Because only 89p is spent on research for every person affected by OCD.

Alongside this, I’m also aiming to research how many people in my community and other ethnic communities may have undiagnosed OCD. From articles and posts, countless people have reached out still ashamed of their OCD. My aim is always to leave people better than I found them. And so, my next mission to raise greater awareness of OCD is to give a third TEDx talk.

I wrote this to show you that there is hope – you are not your thoughts. The world needs you, the world deserves you. Tell the world your story because someone is listening. We will change the world.

Only 89p is spent on research for every person affected by OCD

How to spot, and deal with, an energy vampire

They’re the people in your life who drain your energy and happiness. Learn to spot the signs, so that you can set boundaries, and up your self-care

Sign: They monopolise your time.

Solution: Though it’s sometimes difficult, try setting boundaries. Turn to p36 for some great tips for dealing with this in the workplace.

Sign: They are overly critical.

Solution: Try practising self-compassion, take an objective look at the situation, and spend some time recognising your strengths. Consider that this might not actually be about you, and could be about the individual’s own fears and insecurities.

Sign: Even if you’re only around them for a short while, you feel exhausted afterwards.

Solution: If you have to spend time with them, try to plan something restorative for afterwards. This could be your favourite selfcare activity, or a quick affirmation or breathing exercise.

Sign: They rely heavily on you and your advice.

Solution: There is, of course, a difference between an appropriate level of reliance and support in any given relationship, and one which becomes detrimental to the helper’s wellbeing. If you feel your relationship is falling into the latter category – you could first try signposting some resources and helplines (head to happiful.com/where-to-gethelp for more). If that doesn’t work, this is where boundaries come in again. Help where you can, but set expectations (e.g. You are only available for a chat between certain times of the day), and try not to be tempted to go beyond the lines you set.

What will you do now with the gift of your left life CAROLE ANN DUFFY, SNOW

Photograph | Ethan Smith

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