Happiful Issue 80

DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING

Hangover more than a

headache?

What to do when drinking leads to overthinking

ISSUE 80 £5.99

& beyond

Infinity

Unearth the power of curiosity

5

ways to live more mindfully*

Harness happiness Spoiler alert: it’s a journey, not a destination

*Meditation teacher recommended SPOT SCAMS 40 GOOD NEWS ADHD TOOLKIT

DISCOVER

DANDELION OR ORCHID Which type of child were you?

“What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality PLUTARCH

Photograph | Sam Lion

Finding the light

“The night is dark, and full of terrors,” they say in Game of Thrones, and that can certainly feel representative of real life at times.

Pain and suffering around the globe, on the news, and in our hearts, can seem overwhelming, and even more so when you feel helpless to change things.

But when the world around us is full of fear, that’s when we need to pull together more than ever.

Finding hope in dark times isn’t about being blind to the horrors going on around us, or burying our heads in the sand, but ensuring we don’t find ourselves trapped in a tunnel of negativity. That we know there can be a way forward.

Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge

My hope is that this issue can feel like a small light in the darkness, guiding you through the tough times. Serving as a reminder that good is out there, and providing you with a place, a sanctuary, to find it – even for a moment.

others beyond our wildest expectations.

And learning how to harness happiness doesn’t mean we won’t have times of stress, anxiety, or upset, but we will discover ways to capture it in unexpected places, to help us face those trying times.

There’s no magic wand to make the world a better place, but day by day, through our conscious choices and actions, we can plant seeds for a brighter tomorrow. By becoming the change we want to see in the world, showing compassion and empathy to others, and recognising the unique struggles we all face, a shift will come.

It might not be tomorrow, but we can By highlighting 40 stories of positive still start today. change, and inspiring steps forward taken this year, we seek to provide you Sending love and with valuable inspiration and solace, that light your way... there are people fighting for a better future, and making a genuine difference to help create that in reality.

Opening our minds to the concept of curiosity, and exploring the three facets of it, could allow us to connect with

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges

W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

I | @happiful_magazine

16

Reflect & reframe 16 Stay curious Three types of curiosity you can cultivate to reap a wealth of rewards

25 How to harness happiness 10 ways to find joy in unexpected places

32 It’s not all doom and gloom The biggest, brightest, and best news stories from the past year

61 Growing up well Discover the metaphor that helps us figure out how to help children thrive

73 Where will you be in 5 years?

We look into what makes this question so hard for those with PTSD

PRINT EXCLUSIVE 83 Build your EQ Use our journaling pages to develop your emotional intelligence

Positive pointers 20 Countries putting wildlife first 40 Change is on the horizon...

Our expert shares tips for letting go of fear around change

53 A different kind of Christmas How sacrificing the traditional day can be the greatest gift

70 Can you see it?

Our expert explores the science behind visualisation

76 Five ways to live mindfully According to a meditation teacher

25 Culture

7 Good news

11 The wellbeing wrap 43 Put these on your to-read list 58 Make it a month to remember

48

37

Try this at home 47 Avoid scams this Christmas 64 De-stress with an EFT routine 69 Switch off with a puzzle 82 DIY festive decor

44

61

Food & health 48 Oats for breakfast Start the day the festive way with this family favourite recipe

65 Life on the plate We explore the various roles that food plays in our lives

Relationships 12 What is trauma bonding?

Spotting the signs of this potentially harmful relationship type

22 Go on a judgement detox And observe how your relationships with others and yourself flourish

30 Figuring out festivities How to navigate the holidays and make them work as a couple

Wellbeing 28 How show up for yourself Michelle Elman explores how vital it is to have your own back

37 Dealing with hangxiety How to navigate anxiety that can follow a night of drinking

50 Pregnancy after infertility Exploring the complicated emotions around falling pregnant after infertility

56 Supporting young people 36 You should tell your friend...

44 Can age gaps work?

Here’s what the research says

*

Expert review

Tips for being there for children of parents with mental illnesses

79 The ADHD toolkit guide

Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

Striving for happiness, a feeling we all desire and need in order to find peace, can sometimes feel so out of reach – and no matter what we do, we can’t achieve it. This can be really difficult to live with. On p25 there are some helpful tips detailing how you can cultivate happiness in your life. The process is not linear, and it’s not easy, but consciously committing your energy to happiness will help significantly. The path towards happiness is in your grasp, one step at a time, and please don’t forget: always be kind to yourself.

RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Happiful Community Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

Our team EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Banham | Content & Marketing Officer Michelle Elman, Elizabeth Dunne | Columnists Ellen Lees | Head of Content Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ELIZABETH DUNNE

LAURA WOOD

MA DSFH

BSC MA

Elizabeth is a solutionfocused hypnotherapist and psychotherapist.

Laura is a person-centred psychotherapist, specialising in shyness and social anxiety.

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product & Marketing Charlotte Noel | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator

COMMUNICATIONS Alice Greedus | PR Manager Emily Whitton | Marketing Coordinator

CONTRIBUTORS Samantha Redgrave-Hogg, Scott Shigeoka, Kamalyn Kaur, Caroline Butterwick, Laura Cooke, Chana Hughes, Fiona Fletcher Reid, Ciara McGinley, Erica Crompton

SARAH CLARK

NATHALIE GUDGEON

BA (Hons) PTLLS MAC

Bsc NMed Bsc (Hons) Psych

Sarah is a wellbeing and performance coach specialising in transformative change.

Nathalie is a nutritionist, passionate about for inspiration in the kitchen.

SPECIAL THANKS Laura Wood, Sarah Clark, Nathalie Gudgeon, Nicola Saunders, Sarah Hanratty

MANAGEMENT Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma Hursey | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

SUBSCRIPTIONS For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

NICOLA SAUNDERS

SARAH HANRATTY

PGDIP MBACP

BSc CNHC BANT

Nicola is a counsellor and founder of The Empowered Parenting Programme.

Sarah is a clinical nutrionist specialising in creating better physical and mental health.

Join the Happiful Expert Panel

CONTACT Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building B, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY Helping you find the help you need.

Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

Are you a wellbeing expert with valuable insight to share? Happiful professional membership includes opportunities to be featured in our award-winning magazine.

Discover how to join by emailing us at professionals@happiful.com CBP006075

Spiros taking a mud bath

The Uplift

The muckiest pup, Chester

ANIMALS

Meet Chester – just crowned as the UK’s muckiest pup The UK is a nation of dog lovers, with an estimated population of 11 million pooches. And while many of us tuned into Crufts over the summer, the rainy winter walks call for a different kind of competition. With that in mind, footwear retailer Pavers launched their search to find the UK’s muckiest pups.

The retailer took nominations over three weeks, before the judges did some hard deliberating and narrowed the selection down to eight shortlisted mucky pups – each one pictured fully embracing all that a muddy walk has to offer.

But, now, the decision has been made. Following some tough competition, the public crowned Chester the dog as Paver’s muckiest pup! The sweet photo shows Chester submerged in a

Muddy Monty

thick, muddy puddle - throwing himself wholeheartedly into the outdoor life, and thoroughly deserving the accolade.

But it’s not just our furry friends who benefit from getting stuck into nature.

Many studies have noted the link between time spent outdoors and improvements to our mental health. What’s more, embracing our inner

child can also be a great way to support our overall wellbeing – injecting humour, play, and a bit of silliness into our day, the kind of escape many of us need from our busy lives. So, with a companion by your side, or out on a solo adventure, be inspired by the UK’s muckiest pups to get out there and revel in the elements, no matter the weather.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler happiful.com | Issue 80 | 7

8 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

FAMILY

Research highlights the value of a family photo album Got a box full of photographs, or a disorganised gallery on your phone?

Now’s the time to get them in order.

In a survey of 6,000 parents across the UK and US, researchers from The Pulse Business wanted to get an idea of how ‘phototherapy’ could support children.

What they found was that 94% of parents agree that their child feels happier when they look at photos of themselves at home with their family, 89% said that looking at family photos increases their child’s sense of belonging, and 94% said that looking at them together as a family makes them feel more connected.

Considering the findings, Professor Geoffrey Beattie – a psychologist at Edge Hill University, Lancashire – believes that, up until now, we may have overlooked the psychological power of family photos.

“Family photographs act as a prime, a way of enhancing a memory from a particular moment or time,” he explains.

“The brain stores information about events in your life, and information about your bodily sensations at the same time, in an associated neural network. This network provides two cues to positive memories – the physical representation of people in a photograph itself, and the congruent nonverbal behaviour that is the smile that is elicited when you look at the photograph. Both help us remember the good times much more effectively.”

So, perhaps it’s time to take a trip down memory lane, and make sure those photos have pride of place in your home.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler happiful.com | Issue 80 | 9

CULTURE

Netflix show leads to boom in interest in bipolar disorder It’s one of the most commonly misunderstood mental health conditions, but things could be changing as research from Bupa tracked how Google searches for ‘signs of bipolar’ doubled over the summer – and they think they know why.

At Home with the Furys, released on Netflix in August, followed the lives of the Fury family. In 2017, boxer Tyson Fury was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and the series features a frank insight into what life with this condition can be like for the individual, and their family.

Bipolar is one most commonly misdiagnosed mental health conditions. According to charity Bipolar UK, it takes an average of nine years to get a correct diagnosis and, during that time, patients will be misdiagnosed 3.5 times on average. Additionally, there can be a lot of stigma and misconceptions around the condition, which can make both getting a diagnosis, and navigating life with the condition, more challenging.

That said, representation of the condition, like in At Home with the Furys, can go a long way in

dispelling some of these beliefs, as well as building awareness around the realities.

“We’re gradually getting better at talking about all aspects of our mental health, and it’s great to see that bipolar is no exception,” says Bupa’s Dr Pablo Vandenabeele. “It can be helpful when celebrities with bipolar are candid about their diagnosis and symptoms, as it can encourage others to seek help if they’re feeling a similar way.”

Interested in learning more? Visit www.bipolaruk.org Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

BOOKS

Series closes the book on inaccessible reading Reading is a truly remarkable tool that can greatly enhance our overall wellbeing, but it doesn’t always come easy for those living with dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. Fortunately, there is a book series that is dedicated to making reading more accessible, so that it can be enjoyed by all.

As a person’s dementia or Alzheimer’s disease advances, they may face difficulties when engaging with traditional reading materials. The decline in their cognitive ability and abstract thinking can make it harder for them to follow and remember storylines, and the 10 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

format may cause them to feel overstimulated. But, the Dementia Book Club series helps to address these challenges so that they can reconnect with the joy of reading once again.

With 30 titles already published, each book in the series focuses on factual subjects that contain large text with easy-to-read sentences, printed only on one side of the page and without distracting imagery. This deliberate design follows a medically-evidencebased format, specifically tailored to foster cognitive stimulation and evoke meaningful conversations.

And while we know that reading can play a vital role in enhancing

the quality of our life, it’s great to see that these incredible books are helping to remove the barriers, so that those with memory difficulties can reap the benefits as well.

Don’t pass up on the chance to bring joy back into the lives of your loved ones, head to dementiathemontessoriway.co.uk to explore their range of books.

Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

The

wellbeing wrap

SKY HIGH AMBITIONS

Google Maps has a new feature, allowing you to see how much solar power could be generated by installing panels on your roof

Pamela Anderson garnered a lot of praise for her refreshing makeup free look for Paris Fashion Week

Airline Corledon has introduced ‘adult-only’ areas on select flights.

Could the idea take off?

Moonpig launched a special flower bouquet, in association with charity CALM, for World Mental Health Day

A 13-year-old from Scotland who broke his back in a sledging accident last year, climbed the Eiffel Tower this summer to raise money for the Royal Aberdeen Children’s Hospital.

After relearning to walk, Filip Cegar ascended the 674 steps at the famous French landmark, and raised an incredible £4,000 in the process.

India has announced huge plans to go green with public transport, backed by $7 billion from the government! The investment will look to add 10,000 electric buses across 169 cities by 2037, as well as the required charging infrastructures. The plans feed into the country’s goals to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, and will encourage companies involved in this initiative to source and produce components for the vehicles locally. Sounds like they have the ‘ride’ idea.

Following the beat Music has long been thought of as a unifying presence, but new research goes further to suggest it can literally put listeners ‘in sync’. Scientists from the University of Bern, in Switzerland, monitored 132 participants enjoying the performance of a string quartet. They found that audience members’ movements, heart rates, and indications of arousal in their sympathetic nervous system, all aligned, but the biggest synchronisation was in their breathing rate. They also noted that personality traits had an impact, with ‘agreeable and open’ people more likely to sync up with others. The power of music clearly strikes a chord, and shouldn’t be downplayed.

CHANGING GEARS Cyrus Navvabi, from Reading, is cycling 200km (equivalent to five marathons!) from London to Amsterdam to raise money for Bowel Cancer UK, following the deaths of three loved ones to the disease.

In some ‘hoppy’ news, scientists studying kangaroos have revealed the social lives of the creatures could be more complex than expected. Six years of research, published in Animal Behaviour, found that the animals could form long-term relationships, and, contrary to previous beliefs, mothers become more sociable when caring for joeys.

Proving that love is priceless, a dad from Texas has spent more than a decade, and $51 million, creating an accessible theme park for those with and without disabilities, in honour of his daughter. Gordon Hartman was inspired to create a safe space for those with disabilities to have fun after seeing his daughter, Morgan, struggling to interact with others on a family holiday. He sold his business to acquire the funds, and in 2010 ‘Morgan’s Wonderland’ opened, receiving more than 1 million visitors to date from all around the world. It also offers free entry for those with a condition, and a third of staff have a disability themselves.

The great divide

We’ve all been there. You’ve had a fun night out with friends, the bill arrives, and someone says “Let’s just split it.” You’re too polite to say no, and end up paying double what your one main and drink was to cover someone else’s sides, dessert, and refills.

And now a survey by Money. co.uk has revealed that not speaking up in these scenarios wastes £432 a year for Brits.

Additionally, four in 10 believe we’d spend less if we felt able to challenge the way we break down the bill. So, if this feels familiar, take it as your sign that asking to pay just your share is valuable, adds up, and there’s almost certainly someone else with a similar worry on their plate.

SPILLING THE BEANS

Being vegetarian might be in your genes! New research from Northwestern University, USA, revealed that our dietary choices could be determined by genetics, after identifying three genes significantly associated with vegetarianism, and another 31 ‘possibly associated’. So whether you thrive going plant-based, or make a meal out of it, your eating habits could be down to your DNA.

What is trauma bonding?

(And how to recognise it)

Have you ever been in an explosive relationship, going from feeling adored to being criticised, and like nothing you do is ever good enough – but you don’t feel you can leave? It could be an indication of trauma bonding Writing | Samantha Redgrave-Hogg

I

t started out with ecstatic emotions of passion and adoration. But now you don’t feel like your old self, finding it almost impossible to break free from the relationship, even though you know deep down that it’s not good for you. Sound familiar?

What is trauma bonding?

A trauma bond is attaching to someone who causes you harm.

It is characterised by abuse – which could be emotional, physical, sexual, domestic, financial, or cultural – where the abuser uses manipulative tactics to keep control. The problem is that trauma bonds can easily 12 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

be misinterpreted as feelings of passion or closeness.

Addiction and trauma expert, Dr Patrick Carnes, coined the term to explain why sometimes people stay in abusive relationships. It derives from ‘Stockholm syndrome’, which explains why hostages develop a psychological attachment to their captors, such as sympathising with their goals and opposing the actions of the police.

Why do people fall into trauma bonds?

A rollercoaster of intoxicating emotions set the scene for an early trauma bond. They usually start with displays of love bombing – a type of manipulation

where a person exudes an intense amount of affection towards their partner as a way to gain control over them. They may fall into this behaviour due to their own childhood experiences, such as going out of their way to feel connected to a parent, and now, as an adult, they shower romantic interests with constant compliments, excessive attention, gushy social media posts, and a need to commit too soon.

For the receiver, this can feel like a rush of heady emotions, or might bring about a sense of safety and trust from the early commitment.

But, things take a sharp turn for the worse when criticism and manipulation seep in. >>>

happiful.com | Issue 80 | 13

Stages of trauma bonding

After the initial love bombing, there are usually six more stages of trauma bonding, which shed some more light on why they can happen, and why they are so difficult to quit.

Trauma bonds can easily be misinterpreted as feelings of passion or closeness

Trust and dependency.

Everything feels so good, and you start to get hooked – nothing and no one else matters. It’s all about them.

You want to spend more and more time together, and depend on their presence to feel loved.

Criticism.

Being swept off your feet dies down a bit, and things get a bit more real. It starts off with small criticisms like who you’re hanging around with, what you spend your money on, or what you choose to wear. You might begin to question yourself, or start apologising to them.

It can feel like hard work, as you try more and more to please them, but never quite get anywhere.

Gaslighting.

Things are moving up a gear now, as they accuse you of being responsible for all the problems in the relationship, and deny abusive behaviours, making it seem like you are imagining things.

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Resignation.

You’ve tried questioning their behaviours, but it’s leaving you exhausted. They pick up pace as they can see you are giving in to their manipulation.

You wish things were like they were before, but feel so detached from your own thoughts; it seems almost impossible to do anything about the situation.

Emotional addiction.

Loss of self.

You don’t know who you are anymore. Every ounce of your energy is invested in making sure your abuser is OK, but no matter what you do, it’s never good enough.

Loved ones are really starting to worry as you’re not your old self, and are wondering why you don’t leave them.

The excessive highs and lows now seem normal; your brain craves the dopamine hit linked to this never-ending cycle of abuse. They may start again by love bombing, making you think things will get better. You might feel like you can’t live without them.

relationships

These steps can give us a pretty good idea as to why people get addicted to trauma bond relationships, but what’s important to remember is that the abuser is accomplished at making their partner feel like they are their only source of happiness. They will work hard to cause a rift between you and friends and family, perhaps even colleagues, so that you are dependent on them, and feel like you have nowhere and no one else to turn to.

The abuser is accomplished at making their partner feel like they are their only source of happiness What are the signs of trauma bonding?

Understanding some easy-tolook-out-for red flags might be helpful if you’re worried that you’ve developed a trauma bond. Your partner may set off a few or most of these alarm bells, but what’s important is how that person makes you feel.

If you’re not sure you can trust your gut feeling at this point, you could reach out to a qualified professional who can help.

• Feeling like they are the centre of your world, and you can’t cope without them.

• Distancing yourself from others, especially those who point out the abusive behaviours at play.

• Overlooking or even agreeing with their reasons for treating you badly.

• Fixating on them and the feelings you have for them, even if the relationship has ended.

• Feeling like you need to ‘walk on eggshells’ or have the ‘right’ response to the things they say or do in fear of ‘setting them off’.

• Worrying you aren’t good enough for them, or anyone else, in fact – like no one else would ever be interested in you.

• Growing detached from the abuse as a way of normalising it, often feeling confused or like you don’t know if you’re coming or going.

• Finding it impossible to leave them, or fearing for your wellbeing if they leave you.

• Doubting your memories, or wondering if you’re making things up.

Questions to ask yourself if you think you may be in a trauma bond

The following are some useful questions you can ask yourself to help process things, but if you think you might be in a trauma bond, it’s important to seek advice from a professional as they can help you assess the situation effectively, and to create a safe plan to break free from the relationship.

• How does this person make me feel like I can’t cope, and what steps can I take to feel like I can cope by myself?

• Have I been attracted to or experienced dangerous people in the past?

• When else have I felt like I need others to give me a sense of being needed?

• Do I find myself lying to keep the peace in relationships?

• Why do I feel the need to be validated by those who don’t seem to treat me well?

• When do I feel empowered and in a good emotional space?

How can I get help for trauma bonding?

If this is all hitting a little close to home, just know that many people have walked in your shoes, and help is out there. Everyone deserves to be respected and treated with kindness, so taking action is key.

Opening up to friends or family may be difficult if you find yourself in one of the later stages of trauma bonding, but if there is anyone you trust to share your experience with, this can be a step to acknowledging the seriousness of the situation.

If you feel worried about speaking out, you can call an anonymous helpline such as Refuge (0808 2000 247) for free, impartial advice.

Working with a qualified counsellor can also help you work through your feelings and move forward into a healthier place.

happiful.com | Issue 80 | 15

Curiosity sparks

Three ways to build a more curious life and reap the rewards Writing | Scott Shigeoka

C

uriosity is defined as the ‘desire to know’, but many people don’t realise it’s on a spectrum – ranging from shallow to deep. What you may be more familiar with in daily life is shallow curiosity, the kind of questioning that helps us to collect data and information. We use it to learn facts.

Deep curiosity, on the other hand, invites us to go beneath the surface. It’s not just about facts, but about unearthing stories. When we use it to learn about other people, we get a rich insight into their core values and life experiences. Instead of a simple question like “What do you do for work?”, we ask: “What kind of work makes you come alive, and why?”

One type of curiosity is not necessarily better than the other, they’re just different – with benefits and learnings from both, but which you use might depend on the situation. You wouldn’t out of the blue ask a recently hired colleague: “What’s your biggest childhood trauma?”

While some of us might be on board with sharing so openly, others may not find the question appropriate – especially before trust and intimacy have been built. However, shallow curiosity

16 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

can be a gateway to deeper unknowns. So, perhaps it’s time to get curious about how you can harness curiosity’s power…

Curiosity offers a myriad of benefits. People with higher levels of curiosity tend to be happier, with research in the Journal of Personality Assessment showing it’s associated with lower levels of anxiety, better life satisfaction, and greater psychological wellbeing. It also strengthens our relationships – whether with our romantic partners, children, colleagues, friends, or strangers. A study in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology found that when people show genuine curiosity towards another person, they’re rated as warmer and more attractive. It creates that ‘giveand-take spiral’ we’re all familiar with: when we ask questions, others are more likely to return the favour.

While curiosity is usually framed as a way to learn about what’s outside of ourselves – such as better understanding someone – it can actually be directed in other ways, too. It helps us understand ourselves, and reflect on our beliefs, desires, or needs.

It can even be directed to explore what’s beyond the physical world.

In my book, SEEK: How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life and Change the World, I talk about the three cardinal directions of deep curiosity, which can be a helpful tool that encourages us to be more intentional about where we’re focusing it. The three directions are: • Inward: Curiosity towards what’s inside of us (emotions, values, past traumas, or beliefs) • Outward: Curiosity towards what’s outside of us (other people, the planet, culture, or systems) • Beyond: Curiosity towards what’s beyond us (greater meaning, the divine, or consciousness)

INWARD Inward curiosity strengthens our relationship with ourselves, and allows us to connect with the emotional landscape of our inner world. As a child, this manifests with primal and physical needs like: ‘Am I hungry?’ During puberty, we may have feelings of attraction, and ask ourselves, ‘Why does no one get me?’ This exploration of our inner world is what a therapist might guide us to do during a session. >>>

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happiful.com | Issue 80 | 17

QUESTIONS FOR HAPPIFUL READERS: • Which of the three directions do you gravitate toward the most often in your life?

• What about the least?

• Do you know anyone who practises all of them – someone you’d consider a model of curiosity?

The world is fast-paced and full of distractions, so practising inward curiosity helps us to focus on what’s truly important in our lives, like what we need or want, who or what to prioritise, and how to spend our time. We ask ourselves questions like: ‘What does a healthy living situation look like for me? How do I want to feel in my relationship? Who do I flourish around?’

Directing our curiosity inward is often done through behaviours like reflection, mindfulness, and paying attention to the sensations in our bodies. When we don’t direct curiosity towards ourselves, we can fuel unhealthy patterns like self-sacrifice or people pleasing – over-focusing on what or who is around us at the expense of our own health and happiness. That’s why directing curiosity towards our internal world is critical to better understand the ones outside of us, and it’s the place I tell people to start at if they want to enhance their relationships with others.

OUTWARD Outward curiosity is what most people commonly think of when 18 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

they imagine curiosity: the pursuit of understanding the people and the world around you. Our ancestors used it to ask questions like: ‘Is there water on the other side of that mountain?

What is that large predator that’s running toward me? Will this person keep our group safe?’

Today, this kind of curiosity allows us to empathise with others, especially those outside of our social circle. We become better able to understand those with lives, experiences, and worldviews different than our own. Next time you talk to a stranger, try engaging with them on a personal level (respectfully, of course) and showing them that you are interested in what they have to say.

We also direct our curiosity outward to relate to the natural world, enhancing our connection to the land and animals. This direction also aids us with understanding cultures or systems that we’re immersed in, such as when we travel to another country.

Outward curiosity can be a solo activity – when you meet someone you’re attracted to,

you might get curious about how they like to be loved, or what their past relationships were like. But outward curiosity also thrives when done with others – like exploring social topics in a group through a book club.

If we don’t direct our curiosity outward, we can become insular and self-focused, which can breed narcissistic or egotistical behaviours, decaying our ability to be sensitive and empathetic to the wants and needs of others. Outward curiosity reduces the risk of clinging on to a more individualistic mindset, and helps us adopt a more collective and harmonic one.

BEYOND Humans have long asked questions like: ‘What happens when we die? Is there a God? What are my spiritual beliefs?’ Whether you’re religious or not, you can still use your curiosity in this direction.

It might look like exploring life’s meaning, such as asking yourself: ‘What does it mean to be human?

What is consciousness? What will my legacy be when I die?’

When we direct our curiosity toward the beyond, our aim is to connect with something bigger

than ourselves. Exploring this can help you to feel more grounded in the present, and strengthen the connections you have to yourself, as well as to the people and world around you.

All three directions – inward, outward, and beyond – intersect with each other. If you recently broke up with someone, you might ask a close friend about how they navigated their separation.

You’d learn more about them through this conversation (outward), yet you might also uncover insights that help you to think through your own romantic relationship (inward). As you reflect on how you were parented as a child (inward), it might tell you more about how you’d like to parent your own children (outward) or future children (beyond).

Getting curious about God or consciousness (beyond) could shape the way you relate to those around you (outward).

The ways the directions intersect go on and on.

All three directions are equally important, because they each offer a

critical vantage point to our relationships, our work, and our life, which is why it’s important to think about which ones you tend to gravitate towards the most, or least. Maybe you’re introspective and thrive with inward curiosity.

Or perhaps you’re the opposite: constantly interested in others and the world around you, but avoiding what’s going on inside of you.

People who deliberately use all three directions are true seekers, because they stay curious about themselves, the world around them, and what’s beyond. They also reap the most benefits,

because they can look at life from multiple perspectives. No matter what direction we choose, it’s important to remember that we won’t get the most out of our curiosity unless we’re willing to go deeper.

‘Seek: How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life and Change the World’ by Scott Shigeoka (Bluebird, £16.99) is out 16 November 2023. happiful.com | Issue 80 | 19

Animal crossing Explore innovative routes and projects to protect wildlife from around the globe Writing | Rebecca Thair

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ife might be a journey, but for wildlife around the world it’s become a far more dangerous one, with the evolution of human travel encroaching across the landscape.

From five-lane motorways in the UK, to interstate highways in the US, cross-country rail services, and high-speed rural lanes, it’s animals who are paying the price for our convenience.

In America alone, the US Department of Transportation estimates that more than 1 million animals die on the roads, while in the UK, motor insurer Zurich analysed claims to suggest that a rise in staycations following the pandemic has caused a 54% increase in wildlife fatalities on our roads.

It’s an incredibly sorry state of affairs, but there are innovative projects spanning the globe to help provide safe passage, many of which have been tailored to specific animals’ needs. Here are just a few of the inspiring ideas being implemented to help restore routes of respite for animals all over the world.

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Hedgehog highways through the UK While the exact number of UK hedgehogs is undetermined, 2018 estimates put the figure in the region of 879,000, and in 2020 they were added to the International Union for Conservation of Nature Red List, signifying they are vulnerable to extinction. A simple way of helping them get around is via ‘hedgehog highways’; a network of holes through fences and hedges. With the average hog travelling 2km a night, providing easy access routes allows them to find food and mates while staying out of harm’s way – and it’s something we can easily support at home.

Elephant underpasses in Bhutan Asian elephants are a threatened species, so Bhutan (which is also a carbon negative country) created underpasses for the estimated 700 that roam there. With a 183km motorway spanning the country, the various underpasses (oversized archways large enough for the elephants to pass, as well as streams to flow through) enable the majestic creatures to safely travel from A to B, and help to avoid habitat degradation.

positive pointers

Sloth crossings in Costa Rica For the notoriously slow-moving sloth, navigating man-made areas is particularly perilous. But supporting their survival, the Sloth Conversation Foundation has been installing rope bridges, which cost roughly $200 each, ensuring that the rainforest remains easily connected for the creatures.

The dedicated bridges mean sloths, along with other wildlife, like monkeys, can take their time climbing through the canopy, safely above roads and away from power lines. You can donate towards building the sloth crossings, or even specifically sponsor one of your own, by visiting slothconservation.org.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU SEE AN ANIMAL ON THE ROADSIDE: Bee bus stops in Scotland Encouraging biodiversity, Scotland is following in the footsteps of towns like Leicester and Bristol by creating ‘bus bee stops’, which feature greenery and plant life on roofs to support pollinators, and help absorb pollution. These ‘living roofs’ create sanctuaries of nature in urban areas, looking to address dwindling numbers of insects in Britain – with the Wildlife Trusts reporting numbers have dropped 50% since 1970.

Reindeer viaducts in Sweden Known as ‘renoducts’, in 2021 Sweden started building crossings for the country’s estimated 260,000 reindeer, to allow them to travel to grazing spots safely. Since then, the nation has gone on to build a dozen renoducts, over

roads and railways, enabling the Sami (indigenous people with permission to herd the animals) to move their herds to new pastures.

The ‘tunnel of love’ in Australia With the aim of protecting the critically endangered pygmy possums that live along the Great Alpine Road in south-east Australia, conservationists built a 15-metre tunnel. Noting genetic differences between the possums on either side of the road, the hope is the tunnel will strengthen survival chances by encouraging the groups to mix, as well as opening up food sources and escape routes from fires.

The green overpass in LA Known as the ‘world’s largest wildlife bridge’, a 165ft wide

• For your own safety, don’t approach wild animals. In the UK, if you see an injured deer, fox, or badger, contact the RSPCA (0300 1234 999).

• If you see a live animal near an ‘A’ road in England or Wales, and are concerned for its safety, contact Highways England (0300 123 5000) or Traffic Wales (0845 602 6020).

• For healthy stray animals on minor roads, inform the police on 101. overpass is being built across the 10-lane, Highway 101 near Los Angeles to support safe travel for wildlife, including lizards, snakes, and mountain lions.

Costing $87 million, the project, due to complete in 2025, looks to address the issue of big cats being killed on freeways around LA, by providing the lions with a crucial corridor between parts of the Santa Monica mountains. happiful.com | Issue 80 | 21

How to go on a judgement detox

Let go of critical tendencies with these steps Writing | Kamalyn Kaur

J

udgement is a natural part of human interactions. Our brains are analytical, and programmed to constantly assess and analyse situations, helping us determine what is or isn’t safe.

However, when does this act of judging become a hindrance rather than a help?

In a world where we are surrounded by constant comparisons, societal expectations, and the allure of social media, it’s easy to fall into the trap of passing inaccurate judgements on ourselves or others. These judgements can lead to negativity, stress, and strained relationships, and hinder both personal and professional growth.

A ‘judgement detox’ can break this limiting cycle, allowing us to foster a positive mindset, cultivate empathy, and experience a range of benefits. It is a practice which involves consciously letting go of unhelpful thoughts, opinions, attitudes, and beliefs you hold about yourself, others, and the wider world.

Here are three crucial steps to embark on a judgement detox journey, alongside the numerous benefits that come with it.

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Increase your self-awareness

This involves being attuned to your thoughts, opinions, and beliefs – recognising judgemental tendencies, and understanding the triggers that ignite them.

Notice where your judgements are coming from, and get curious about why they are there.

Where or whom did they come from? Do you get defensive in new relationships? Write-off prospective partners because you didn’t like the way they were dressed on their first date? Feel like an imposter in your job and worry others will judge you as being incompetent? Judge everyone as being untrustworthy, and don’t get close to them?

Write your observations in a journal every day for a month to help you be mindful. Then reflect on your answers and ask yourself: “What could I have done differently in that situation?” This helps initiate positive change by breaking repetitive patterns.

Cultivate open-mindedness Consider whether the judgements you hold about yourself, others, and the world, are an accurate depiction of the world. Are your judgements

based on facts and evidence, or an automatic narrative running in your head? More often than not, we hold judgements passed on to us by others, rather than based on our own experience.

If your parents believed the world ‘isn’t safe’, you may grow up believing the same, even though that’s not your own personal experience.

Assessing situations based on facts and evidence allows you to make rational, well-informed decisions, rather than quick judgements based on fear, worries, and insecurities. This reduces anxiety and encourages approaching situations in a balanced way, with a willingness to understand different viewpoints.

The next time you have judgemental thoughts, try the ‘courtroom challenge’. Ask yourself: “What proof do I have that this judgemental thought is not true?” List all the facts and evidence that prove the thought is untrue.

In court, nothing is believed without facts and evidence.

Apply this exact principle to your mind, don’t believe any judgemental thought unless facts and evidence can prove it!

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Embarking on a judgement detox journey requires commitment and self-reflection Practise gratitude and positive self-talk

This final step is crucial, as it rewires the brain to focus on positivity, reducing negativity and judgement.

Gratitude focuses on the positive aspects of life, helping you see things from a different angle.

When you actively appreciate the good things in your life, you’re less likely to dwell on the negative aspects, or harshly judge others.

Gratitude helps you appreciate the present rather than judging situations through the lens of past experiences.

Positive self-talk challenges negative beliefs, opinions, and views you hold about yourself by consciously replacing them with affirming and constructive ones. An internal dialogue which is kind and compassionate results in self-acceptance instead of criticism and judgement.

Over time, you will apply this

acceptance to other life events and people. This mindset shift will open doors to opportunities, bringing you greater joy.

Reinforce this step by doing a morning gratitude exercise, which involves focusing on three things you are grateful for that morning. For example, it could be a good night’s sleep, your health, and a loving family. This sets the tone for the rest of the day by putting you in a positive mindset.

Embarking on a judgement detox journey requires commitment and self-reflection,

but the benefits are well worth the effort. These include breaking free from judgement cycles, improving relationships with yourself and others, reducing anxiety, and enhancing personal growth by being open to greater opportunities. Ultimately, a judgement detox paves the way for a more fulfilling and positive life.

Kamalyn Kaur is a psychotherapist and anxiety expert with more than 10 years of experience providing therapy and anxiety management coaching for women in corporate or business. happiful.com | Issue 80 | 23

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON

Photograph | Gantas Vaičiulėnas

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reflect & reframe

10 ways to harness happiness We share 10 meaningful ways you can make positive, sustainable, and actionable changes in your life to find joy in unexpected places Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

A

re you happy? It’s a goal many of us aim for, but how do we know?

Shouldn’t it be simple – you either are, or you aren’t? Is it something we should even be working towards, or should we be waiting for it to happen naturally?

Happiness is an emotional state where we feel a myriad of different things including joy, satisfaction, wellness, contentment, and fulfilment.

But feelings of happiness can be fleeting, like momentary bright sparks in an otherwise stressful, busy, and overwhelming landscape.

Happiness doesn’t just mean an absence of stress, worry, and anxiety. You can still be happy while experiencing other, less enjoyable but completely natural emotions. In fact, when we are experiencing happiness at our core, we may feel more able to face big life events, changes, or periods of high stress without becoming as overwhelmed.

So, how can we stop wishing for happiness, and start making the

pursuit of happiness part of our day-to-day lives?

1. Define what happiness looks like for you

There is no one single definition of happiness, as every description varies a little from the next.

There are even different types of happiness that people seek. Some may focus on hedonic happiness (experiencing more pleasure and less pain), while others may look for eudaimonic happiness (the result of seeking and fulfilling their life purpose, a challenge, or personal growth).

Consider what you value most. What gives you a sense of satisfaction, fulfilment, or contentment? Is it spending time with friends and family, moving up the career ladder, or helping others achieve their goals? Is it feeling more financially secure, focusing on your passions, or reaching a state of complete selfreliance?

Our core values are highly personal, and shape the way we live. Spending time defining

what those are can help us to get a better idea of which areas in life we wish to focus on, and what, ultimately, can become the foundations of how we spend our lives.

2. Get in the right mindset

Some people try to simplify happiness by saying it’s all about waking up and ‘deciding’ you want to be happy. If that were the case, wouldn’t we all be happy?

What people actually mean by this, is that you need to open yourself up to the right mindset.

When we are used to bad things happening, it can become a defence mechanism to think that, of course, more bad things will happen. But automatically assuming the worst can unwittingly close ourselves off to fostering a more positive mindset, and result in seeing the worst in both the things and people around us. Instead, be ready to challenge negative thoughts and attitudes, rather than simply accepting them at face value. >>> happiful.com | Issue 80 | 25

To find out more visit the Life Coach Directory

3. Put wellbeing and self-care first

Self-care isn’t just about the fun bits like candlelit baths, aromatherapy oils, and forest bathing with loved ones. It’s about taking care of yourself in mind and body. That means finding ways to make exercise part of your routine by doing something you enjoy, rather than feeling reluctant to drag yourself to the gym once or twice a week. It means identifying and addressing unhelpful coping mechanisms, like ignoring stressful situations until we feel at breaking point. It can mean challenging yourself to learn new things, stimulating yourself intellectually, and being open to new ideas.

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4. Have the money conversation with yourself

‘Money doesn’t buy happiness’ – it’s a nice thought, but this isn’t necessarily the case. While money isn’t a magic solution, it can create a sense of security, allowing us to fulfil our basic needs for food, shelter, and warmth. It enables us to focus on other areas beyond basic survival.

In 2010, a study in Psychological and Cognitive Sciences famously shared that “high income buys life satisfaction but not happiness”, finding that emotional wellbeing rose in line with salaries up to $75,000, but made no difference beyond that point. However, new research from 2021, published in Proceedings of the National Academy

of Sciences, suggests things have changed, as the rise in emotional wellbeing in line with income seemed not to be capped by a certain figure.

The thing is, money isn’t a bad thing. And talking about our finances shouldn’t be something we feel embarrassed about – but money trauma is real, and has long-term effects. However, if we fail to examine our financial wellbeing, we risk spiralling into debt, feeling pressured to live above our means, or generally overwhelmed. So facing that fear and acknowledging our finances can be a much healthier, and happier, choice.

5. Make meaningful connections

How we connect to others has a huge impact on our overall happiness. The more we feel able to trust and rely on others, the closer we can feel to them.

reflect & reframe

And our connections can create a sense of encouragement, being valued, appreciated, and loved – all of which boost our wellbeing, resilience, and happiness. Meaningful, satisfying relationships don’t just make us happier, they can also improve our health, and even help us to live longer.

6. Give back

Giving should be an important part of our lives, as it helps us to feel good, strengthens our personal values, helps make a real impact, and encourages others to do the same. Whether that’s supporting your local community, or national or international causes, giving doesn’t have to mean donating money. Your time, voice, even sharing things online, can all have a positive impact.

7. Identify your dreams (and make them happen)

We’ve all had a dream. Big or small, silly or serious. But how many of us have given up on them before we’ve even begun?

Real life gets in the way, other priorities take hold. Our chances of achieving our dreams seem so small – why even bother?

Having a big life goal can give us a sense of purpose. Dreams can inspire us, push us to keep going when times are tough, and make dreary jobs feel worthwhile as we have something to work towards.

No one else is going to follow your dreams for you. Pursuing them can create a sense of momentum, confidence, pride, personal growth, and ultimately, creates a sense of hope.

Happiness doesn’t just mean an absence of stress, worry, and anxiety 8. Declutter your life (physically and mentally)

Over time, we collect so much stuff, we can begin to feel weighed down – physically, mentally, and emotionally. Things we feel obligated to keep, things we don’t know what to do with, sentimental bits and pieces we feel guilty getting rid of.

Resetting our environment can help us let go of some of the things that are holding us back.

Decluttering can benefit both mind and mood, creating a corner of calm when we may be feeling overwhelmed, or exhausted.

9. Make time for reflection, re-evaluation, and redefinition

Throughout life, we change – and so do our wants, needs, and goals.

So why wouldn’t our definition of happiness and what is right for us change over time, too?

Reflect on the past year. What could have gone better? What made you happy? Did anything unexpected happen, and how did

it make you feel? What were your goals? Did fulfilling them feel the way you expected?

By taking time to reflect, you can re-evaluate your goals, ensure they still align with your values, and keep moving forwards. Making intentional changes and plans can help create a sense of control and purpose, putting you back in the driver’s seat of your life.

10. Consider working with a happiness coach

A coach can help you to identify your purpose, while acting as a guide and a source of accountability. Having an outside perspective as a sounding board can allow you to feel more comfortable opening up about what you really want, while providing a place to explore how you could achieve that. They can also help you to recognise areas which you cannot change, steer you towards areas you can control, and help you to understand how happiness is ultimately a journey, not a final destination. happiful.com | Issue 80 | 27

How to show up for yourself

With winter on the way, and the social season in full swing, it can be easy to let yourself burn the candle at both ends. But, columnist Michelle Elman is here to highlight the ways you can schedule some vital self-care and listen to what your body needs, so you don’t lose your own sparkle along the way…

A

s the end of the year approaches, there always seems to be a last push to get to the end.

Whether it’s simply running out of energy, exhaustion setting in, getting ready for Christmas that is stressing you out, or simply the cold and wet weather getting you down, there is never a better time to put yourself first, and make sure you are taking care of yourself.

December is stereotypically the month where your calendar is packed full of events, so before the month arrives, schedule some time in your diary for quiet nights in, or a weekend packed full of relaxation and restoration.

Keep those dates in your diary as if they were a meeting with someone else, so if you wouldn’t bail on plans with a friend lastminute, don’t bail on plans with yourself! Doing this ahead of time and keeping sections of time to yourself will make sure you have more fuel in the tank

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for when party season hits, and who knows? You might enjoy your alone time so much that the fresh memory of nights in means you might say no to a thing or two.

This brings me on to the next step of showing up for yourself.

We think that if our diary is busy, we will automatically be exhausted and, actually, it is much less about how many events we go to (within reason!) and much more about which events we are going to. If we are going to events full of people who judge us, and fire unsolicited opinions at us, that will consume a lot more energy than being around loved ones who are kind and supportive. Being in a room full of people who know and understand you can even give you energy, as the feelings of love and connection can fuel you, provide you with healthy attention and companionship, and relax your mind. When you are in the opposite kind of room though, do not be surprised if

you are still exhausted long after the event is over. Therefore, show up for yourself by declining invitations that you know you will be dreading on the day. Of course, do it with the proper etiquette, and let the host know – you don’t need to give a reason, a simple ‘Thank you for the invite, but unfortunately I am unavailable’ will suffice, and future you will thank you for reserving your time and energy for the people who deserve it.

We all have limits, whether we like them or not. With the cold weather approaching, and the likelihood that all of us are ready for a holiday, feeling run down can be common. As a society, we often have a mentality that we should push through no matter what, but if the pandemic taught us anything, it’s that when you are ill, that’s your sign to stop, slow down, and honour your body.

I follow the ethos that if you don’t listen to your body when it whispers, it will scream – but

@MICHELLELELMAN

Photography | Luke Nugent

If you don’t listen to your body when it whispers, it will scream that isn’t the reason you should listen to your body. The reason you should listen is because it is one of the best ways to show up for yourself. It is saying that how you feel is more important than what other people need, whether that’s you showing up at an event or replying to an email. Your body is already doing its best to try to get you back to full health, and so do your body a favour and help it out by allowing it to rest. If that won’t stop you though, remember that you are no good to anyone when you are under the weather!

Before the year is up, you can also take the opportunity to reflect upon the year as it comes to a close. What

did you want to achieve this year?

How did it work out instead? Was there something that happened that you didn’t foresee? How have you grown? Let’s not count the year out before it’s actually over, so with the last month ahead of us, focus your mind on one or two goals you want to achieve before the new year rolls around. Keep them manageable and achievable, that way, you can end the year on a high!

If goals aren’t your thing, one of my favourite things to do this year is to pick a word. I have actually been doing it weekly, but you might want to try it out for the next month. Your word could

be ‘calm’ if December tends to be a hectic month, or perhaps ‘patience’ if you are already willing it to be 2024. This ‘one word’ activity is a brilliant way to set your intentions, and I’ve been personally seeing the benefits in my own life!

Michelle Elman is an author, TEDx speaker, and five-board accredited life coach. Follow her on Instagram @michellelelman happiful.com | Issue 80 | 29

How to make Christmas work as a couple From respecting conflicting traditions to figuring out how to navigate finances, follow our guide to making this Christmas a conflict-free zone Writing | Caroline Butterwick

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hether it’s deciding whose family you spend Christmas with, debates about long-held traditions (are we rushing downstairs in our pyjamas, or do we have to wait?), or different expectations about how much money to spend, navigating Christmas when you have a partner can bring lots of questions and complications.

Celebrating special occasions together can be wonderful, so figuring out how to navigate it with your other half is important, not only so you have a lovely holiday season, but also to help your relationship.

With the help of counsellor Laura Wood, we’ve got some tips to help make Christmas work for those in a relationship.

Understand your Christmas traditions

Christmas conjures different things for each of us. For some, it’ll be curling up eating mince pies and watching The Snowman on Christmas Eve. Maybe it’s 30 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

about a big family gathering with lots of food, or perhaps it’s a quieter day, with a gentle start and then moving on to open presents around the tree.

“Take the time to reflect and review your own traditions,” advises Laura. “Perhaps they bring up memories or emotions that you hope to experience, while their absence would lead to discomfort.

“By establishing the true importance of your own traditions, you’ll be more open and empathic to why your partner’s are important to them.

Creating the space for both of your traditions to be heard and valued is key.”

Have honest conversations

Communication is such an important part of any relationship.

Laura recommends building the space for the conversation about what you want to do this Christmas before going straight in.

“Explain to your partner that discussing Christmas is important to you, and that you’d like to have

a conversation with them about it soon,” Laura adds. “This gives your partner the opportunity to also consider their own wants and needs, and creates a conversation that is mutual and balanced. This reduces the chance of defensiveness, and the conversation is likely to be more progressive and constructive.”

Create a budget together

Money can be a sensitive topic.

And, of course, Christmas often comes with expenses, whether it’s meals out, festive drinks, decorations, or present buying.

“Financial decisions can be motivated by hopes or fears,” Laura says. “Respectfully listen to each other’s motivations, as you may find some common ground.

If your partner’s budget is making you feel uncomfortable, it’s important to reflect and explore that too. If you have greater clarity, you’ll be able to communicate clearly with your partner. This opens a discussion rather than the conversation being shut down.”

relationships

Deciding on a budget between you is a good way of making sure you are both comfortable and that neither of you will be frustrated by sudden extra costs. “Crucially, once a financial budget has been decided, respect each other by sticking to it,” adds Laura.

Creating the space for both of your traditions to be heard and valued is key

Navigating family commitments

Christmas will simply be an extension of this. Be proactive and mindful by prioritising the time to share and listen.”

You can create new traditions that are special to you as a couple. Would you like to make the time to visit a festive market together, or spend the afternoon decorating the tree while listening to Christmas songs? Maybe you

Sometimes, something simple like alternating whose family or friends you spend Christmas with can work well. “But fitting into a pre-made combination, such as alternating years, might not work for you as, like all couples, you are unique,” says Laura.

“It’s important to find a combination that works for you both – if you want to see your family at all! You’ll likely hear external expectations that you feel pressured to meet. Notice that pressure, and where it’s coming from. Take the time to hear what both of your needs are in relation to socialising with family. This will make it easier to create a combination that works best for both of you.”

Create your own traditions together

“Christmas comes with lots of external expectations, but try to focus on one another,” Laura says.

“Create the time for you and your partner to decide how you can create a valuable Christmas together. You’re likely aware of the things that you both value in everyday life, and it’s possible that

actually love the idea of having Christmas Day for just the two of you, or going for a frosty walk through the quiet streets. You can make Christmas a time that’s really magical and meaningful, and brings you closer.

Laura Wood is a person-centred psychotherapist. Visit the Counselling Directory for more.

Too good to miss

Taking a moment to focus on the positives is often underrated, but studies have shown that doing so can release dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins, helping to boost our mood, lower blood pressure, and reduce stress. So, while the bad news can often feel overwhelming, seeking out the rays of light could do you a world of good. Let’s recap 40 uplifting, hopeful, and inspiring stories from 2023…

Writing | Rebecca Thair

A baby beaver was born in London for the first time in 400 years.

Deforestation fell 29% across Colombia, and 26% specifically in the Amazon.

Paid period pain leave was passed in Spain, with a new law protecting sexual and reproductive rights.

The number of UK homes installing rooftop solar panels has reached its highest level in more than seven years – with 50,700 doing so in the first few months of 2023.

A wheely good idea

Hey, Barbie!

In its efforts to increase representation and spread awareness, Mattel has collaborated with the National Down’s Syndrome Society to create its first Barbie with Down’s syndrome.

Barcelona is putting cycle-to-school schemes front and centre, with the ‘bicibús’ initiative that enables safe travel for kids. Departing at 8.30am on the dot, children and parents gather to form a convoy, making the journey an adventure in itself.

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Finger-lickin’ good KFC partnered with charity Food Share back in 2021, to help tackle the food poverty crisis. Since then, they’ve distributed 475,000 meals to people in need via community kitchens, but have set their sights on the ambitious, and generous, goal of hitting 12 million meals by 2024.

Signs TV Uganda launched to cater to Africa’s deaf community with a dedicated TV channel.

An injection of equality In a much-needed update to discriminatory restrictions for gay and bisexual men, the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has amended the riskassessment questions for blood donors, so everyone receives the same regardless of gender, sexuality, or sex.

New research suggests plants can pass on survival ‘memories’ to their offspring, through ‘epigenetics’, to teach them about climate change.

reflect & reframe

In some amazing animal news, 29 species in Australia have recovered from the point of extinction. A study published in Biological Conservation at the start of the year reported that 15 mammals, eight birds, four frogs, one reptile, and one fish, no longer met the criteria to be listed as ‘threatened’ under Australia’s Environmental Protection and Biodiversity Conservation Act.

Shooting for the stars In August, India’s Vikram lander from Chandrayaan-3 made history as the first spacecraft to land near the Moon’s south pole.

Finding health help online can be daunting, leading you down a rabbit-hole of worries, especially if you struggle to find the right words to search your concern. But Google Lens has released new image recognition technology, helping people to search skin conditions with a photo instead.

For the first time, the UK’s main source of electricity was wind power! In the first three months of 2023, 32.7% of power was supplied by wind farms, while gas made up 31.7%.

SMOKING The number of people smoking in the US is at a record low. A government survey revealed that only one in nine adults are currently lighting up, suggesting the habit is getting stubbed out.

Going down

A new device has been developed by scientists from the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology to support those with epilepsy. The flowershaped, flexible electrode can be inserted in patients’ heads via minimally invasive surgery, allowing for better monitoring of the electrical activity in the brain which causes seizures.

Speaking up Watford and Sweden footballer Ken Sema went viral for his representation of those with stammers, after appearing in a post-match interview discussing his two goals in the team’s 3–2 victory over West Brom in February.

RENEWABLE REVOLUTION

Going up

Flower power

The FDA has eliminated a law that required all new drugs in America to be tested on animals before human trials.

Wales has become the first nation in the UK to implement a total ban on snares.

In a move to counter the loneliness epidemic, the South Korean government is offering $490 to those aged between nine and 24 experiencing ‘hikikomori’ (essentially extreme social withdrawal), to encourage them to leave the house. The hope is the monthly allowance will help youngsters to go to school, university, or work, and reintegrate with society. happiful.com | Issue 80 | 33

A la mode

A new repair scheme in France is helping to tackle waste and fast fashion, by offering up to £21 rebates on each clothing and shoe repair, and comes with £131 million of government funding for the next five years.

LEGO has launched ‘braille bricks’ not just for blind people, but encouraging others to learn the language, too.

Water you think?

Did you know it takes about seven gallons of water to produce just one gallon of beer? Finding an innovative, alternative way to reduce this need, water recycling company Epic is using onsite equipment at a San Francisco apartment building to treat and brew ‘grey water’ (AKA used water from showers and sinks) into beer!

New data released by social development agency Coneval revealed that the number of Mexicans living in poverty fell by 8.9 million in the 2020–2022 period.

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Scientists at Florida Atlantic University have developed a glove that ‘feels’ using AI, to help people who’ve experienced a stroke relearn how to play the piano, and reap the rewards of engaging with music once again.

Kind of a big deal We all know a little kindness goes a long way, but now research in The Journal of Positive Psychology suggests that acts of kindness can actually boost our mental health. In fact, acts of altruism were better at reducing symptoms of depression than planned leisure activities. So, take this as a sign to go spread a smile!

A second malaria vaccine, developed by the University of Oxford, has been approved by WHO.

‘Appy days Visitors to Athens can use their smartphones to see what ancient Greek architecture would have looked like in its prime. The Chronos app (named after the mythical titan and Greek word for time), supported by Greece’s Culture Ministry, allows people to direct their smartphones at the Acropolis and the Parthenon for an image overlay of what archeologists believe the buildings would have looked like 2,500 years ago.

reflect & reframe

British Sign Language is making conversations more accessible by adding 200 new environmental science terms for the deaf community.

Way to grow With global demand for food ever increasing, a trial by the University of Illinois holds exciting potential.

Researchers successfully used genetic modification in crops to speed up photosynthesis, which can result in a 20% higher yield to help feed people in need.

In a world-first move, California scientists have created solar panels that can be sent to space, and beam energy back to Earth 24/7.

A tree that was thought to have been extinct has been discovered! The Ilex sapiiformis hadn’t been seen in nearly 200 years, until recently spotted in northeastern Brazil.

The UN has announced that the ozone layer is on track to recover (AKA return to its 1980 state, prior to the hole appearing) by 2040 for most of the world, 2045 over the Arctic, and 2066 over the Antarctic.

A collaborative funding enterprise from TED, called the Audacious Project, pledged $1 billion to support organisations and projects creating positive change for our planet. For 2023, these include grants for renewable energy, global education, environmental support, and transforming the US foster care system.

Schiphol Airport, in the Netherlands, is banning private jets and night flights from 2025 to reduce noise and pollution.

Japan introduced its first laws against ‘photo voyeurism’, making it a crime to take, distribute, or own sexually exploitative images and footage of others without their consent.

Sk(AI)’s the limit In September, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, Priscilla Chan, announced their aim to use artificial intelligence to help eradicate all human diseases by the end of the century.

Improving with age

A study by a Finnish university reviewed depressive symptoms and overall life satisfaction of 75 to 80-year-olds, 30 years apart, noting the positive improvements and alignment with its previous comparisons that found significantly better physical and cognitive functioning today.

British scientists developed a brain implant with the potential to restore limb movement in paralysed people.

Helping to prevent a potential environmental catastrophe, more than 1 million barrels of oil were removed from a decaying supertanker in Yemen. happiful.com | Issue 80 | 35

Things we don’t tell our friends enough (Maybe you could drop a loved one a message today)

No matter what’s going on, I’m always here for you.

My favourite memories always have you in them.

Thank you for being there for me.

I’m so lucky to call you my friend.

I miss you.

You are so special, and I don’t think you even know it!

My life is better for having you in it.

I appreciate you so much.

wellbeing

How to handle hangxiety Feelings of guilt, shame, paranoia, jitteriness, and low mood – hangxiety is an unpleasant experience that can accompany the traditional symptoms of a hangover. So, how can you begin to address it?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

H

angovers are often talked about as an inevitable symptom of a great night out, or a rite of passage in the world of socialising. The conversation around them tends to be lighthearted – think of the laughs the classic ‘wearing sunglasses inside’ trope gets in TV shows and films. But perhaps we need to spend more time talking about another side of the experience: hangxiety.

It’s a catchy term, but the experience of anxiety is anything but enjoyable. It refers to psychological symptoms, such as anxiety and depression, that appear the morning after drinking. Although it may be worse in those with existing mental health problems, hangxiety can affect anyone – in fact, a study published in the Journal of Clinical Medicine, estimates it impacts around 12% of people. In addition to a general

sense of anxiety and low mood, hangxiety may also manifest in feelings of guilt, shame, or regret, paranoid feelings, irritability, jitteriness, or feelings of dread.

So, why does this happen?

One cause has to do with the source: alcohol. When we’ve had a few drinks, we can become flooded with warm and calm feelings that make us feel relaxed. The problem is, those feelings are short-lived. As the alcohol wears off, and your brain works hard to strike its normal chemical balance, it reduces the brain’s GABA (a chemical made in the brain which causes relaxed feelings) and increases glutamate, which can cause those anxious feelings. But, beyond what’s happening on a chemical level, there are several other factors at play.

“People drink alcohol for all sorts of different reasons, but we

often drink to feel relaxed and to lower our inhibitions,” says counsellor Georgina Sturmer.

“The downside to this is that when the alcohol wears off, we are left feeling all of the same things that we felt before. So, if we’re prone to anxiety, then we’ll find that it’s still there – even if we have temporarily forgotten our fears and worries. And there might be an added layer of embarrassment, guilt, or anger, based on what happened, or what we did, while we were drinking.”

In addition, some of the classic symptoms of a hangover, including dehydration and a lack of sleep, can also contribute to anxious feelings. Plus, a study, published in the Journal of Clinical Medicine, found that hangovers can significantly lower our alertness, and lead to higher levels of mental fatigue and anxiety when the study’s participants were asked >>> happiful.com | Issue 80 | 37

Hangxiety impacts around 12% of people to complete a multitasking framework.

All this considered, there’s a lot to contend with. So, what’s the best way to navigate these feelings?

Dealing with hangxiety

If all this sounds familiar, Georgina has some tips for dealing with hangxiety when it strikes: • Understanding. The first step is to understand what’s going on. You might be overwhelmed by the combination of your physical hangover and your feelings of anxiety. Take stock and acknowledge that your hangover, and the accompanying physical symptoms, are likely to be exacerbating your anxiety.

Notice if you’re spiralling into negative thoughts or catastrophising.

• Tackling the hangover. Then consider what you need to do in order to tackle the hangover itself. This might involve sleep, water, food, fresh air, or whatever helps you to alleviate that hangover feeling.

• Coping with the anxiety.

Different approaches work for 38 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

different people. It might be helpful for you to unpick exactly what your anxiety stems from.

Is it related to the events the night before? If so, it might be worth talking it through with someone else who was there, to gain some perspective and avoid

catastrophising. Or perhaps it’s an underlying feeling that often follows you. If this is the case, then I’d suggest seeking some professional support to help you to look at the root cause of your anxiety, and to offer you coping strategies.

wellbeing

According to charity drinkaware, ‘unwanted physical or mental effects from drinking’ makes the list of signs to watch out for when assessing your relationship with alcohol. Other things to consider include ‘giving increasing priority to alcohol’, or ‘impaired control

as lighter beers and rosé wines) is a handy idea, as is declining to keep up with friends by opting out of joining in with rounds.

And while it’s recommended that adults drink no more than 14 units of alcohol a week, spread across three days or more (that’s

Accountability often helps, so you might want to share your goals with other people

Is it time to consider your relationship with alcohol?

Although it is possible to have a healthy relationship with alcohol, if you struggle with hangxiety, it may be a prompt to assess your drinking, and consider whether you should cut back.

over alcohol use’ (for example, not being able to control how long a drinking session may be, or drinking more than you intend to, or in inappropriate settings).

“Accountability often helps, so you might want to share your goals with other people,” suggests Georgina, when considering advice for those who wish to cut back on drinking.

“Consider alternative options for socialising, so that it doesn’t always feel as if having fun has to be accompanied by alcohol.

And notice how much better you feel when you don’t drink, or when you drink less. This can provide you with the ‘evidence’ or motivation that you might need in order to continue.”

The NHS also recommends using the Drink Free Days app, to set yourself a weekly unit target and to stick to it. You could also set a budget for alcohol, and try only withdrawing the exact cash you need for a couple of drinks, to control your spending if you’re out. Switching to drinks with lower alcohol levels (such

around 6 medium glasses of wine or six pints of beer), how each of us reacts to alcohol will differ drastically – and you may still experience the symptoms of hangxiety with drinking within the recommended limits, so the key thing is to assess your individual relationship.

Taking back control

Changing your drinking habits can be a real challenge. We face a lot of messaging from mass culture about what it means to have fun and be social, and we can also feel a lot of pressure from the people in our lives. But if you are experiencing hangxiety, and are finding that it is impacting your life in a negative or destructive way, it may be time to take back control. But you don’t have to do it alone. Apps, online forums, your GP, and mental health professionals can offer support and guidance to help you put a cork in hangxiety.

Georgina Sturmer is a counsellor specialising in supporting women. happiful.com | Issue 80 | 39

Ask the experts

How can I let go of fear and embrace change?

Wellbeing and performance coach Sarah Clark answers your questions on embracing change.

Learn more on the Life Coach Directory.

Q

Why might we fear change?

A

Change is a part of everyday life. We can’t not experience change – from the weather to our moods, external pressures that occur naturally, and internal pressures we put on ourselves.

The scary part of change is that

Q I often avoid new situations. Is this a sign that I am afraid of change?

A

When we are faced with something new, we have a decision to make. It takes a great deal of weighing up the costs and the benefits of any

we can feel out of control. It is being done to us rather than us embracing it. It can be exciting, but also scary.

If something different is happening, we often don’t know for certain the outcomes of a course of action. We can feel out of control. As humans, we generally tend to like to

know the end result – like when we jump out of a plane, that our ripcord is going to work, for example! It takes courage, a hope of success, and a whole load of resilience, to enter into any change. So think of fear as your body letting you know that you are coming out of your comfort zone.

new course of action before we try anything new. This takes up energy, and requires a level of courage. It is often easier to do what we did, than put ourselves through the unknown. It is natural to avoid new situations, however, if this is having a negative impact on our lives, this might be something we wish to address.

Other signs that we might be resisting change can include not seeking new experiences, turning down opportunities in work or personal life that come our way, and having a fixed mindset where we see the risk of failure rather than hope for success.

We might also notice increased avoidance strategies rather than approaching the change.

Life Coach Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

Sarah’s top tips for embracing change

Q What are the possible consequences of avoiding change due to fear?

A

The biggest question we have to ask ourselves is: “What would my future self say to me in 20 or 40 years’ time when I look back?” There is a strong case for living our lives so that we don’t

look back in regret at the changes we could have embraced, and the positive consequences we could have missed. If we don’t embrace change, then the consequences are not only that we miss out on truly living, but we also are limiting ourselves with regard to a lack of personal development and learning. This is also the case for making changes happen, despite feeling that fear!

1. Seek support to help address any ambivalence with the process of reflecting on what we might lose and what we might gain from making a change. It can be helpful to consider other people’s perspectives who are not so close to the subject matter. Talking it through can also help to get any fears into perspective.

2. Accept that there might be a period of feeling totally out of our depth and uncomfortable.

Knowing that this is the short-term discomfort, from putting ourselves outside of our comfort zone for the longer-term gain, can be really helpful.

3. Focus on the goals of what the change is going to produce, and visualise these. Picture the outcome. This is really helpful for not only putting the change into being, but also for maintaining it.

4. Believe in yourself and trust in your intuition!

happiful.com | Issue 80 | 41

“I choose to make the rest of my life, the best of my life LOUISE HAY

Photograph | Anete Lusina

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Happiful reads...

From a story about bravery to a guide to Nordic self-care, we share four books to add to your wellbeing reading wishlist Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

W

e look at things all the time, but how often do we take the time to really see them? The art of seeing is something that artists do on a regular basis, and it’s a skill that makes them the remarkable creatives that they are today. The ability to observe and appreciate aspects of life that would otherwise go unnoticed can only be a good

See What You’re Missing: 31 Ways Artists Notice the World – and How You Can Too

by Will Gompertz

thing for our wellbeing, and is worth applying to our own lives.

Someone who vouches for this is author and art expert Will Gompertz, who invites us to take a look into the minds of wellknown artists to understand how they use their own unique power of perception. From

Mexican artist Frida Kahlo, who helps us to see through pain, to pop artist David Hockney, who helps us to see nature, this thought-provoking book shows us we can change the way we experience the world.

All Through the Night by Dani Robertson Author and dark sky officer Dani Roberston is on a mission to protect the world from the effects of light pollution. In doing so, she helps us to understand why the dark nights are so important for ourselves, animals, and plants, and flips the switch on why it’s something that should be embraced.

The Book of Nordic Self-Care by Elisabeth Carlsson If your typical self-care routine isn’t cutting it, now is the time to embrace self-care the Nordic way. From wellness practices to Nordic foods, nutritionist and lifestyle coach Elisabeth Carlsson reveals the secrets from the world’s happiest countries that will help you bring peace and balance to your life.

Must reads Worried Whippet: A Book of Bravery

by Jess Bolton This beautifully illustrated story is about an anxious dog who navigates moments of bravery and acts of courage as she goes about her everyday life.

Written for adults and children who are struggling with anxiety, Jess’s hope is that the book can encourage you to take small steps of bravery as well, just as the worried whippet does.

happiful.com | Issue 80 | 43

What are age-gap relationships

(and why are they controversial?)

Can a ‘May to December’ romance really work? We answer your questions about age-gap relationships, and take a look at what the research says Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

I

f there’s one thing that is bound to make headlines, it’s celebrity relationships with a big age-gap. From the trending chart of Leonardo DiCaprio’s dating history (which revealed the then 47-year-old had never dated anyone over the age of 25) to top 10 lists of celeb couples successfully (and not so successfully) navigating big age-gaps, we’re fascinated by the idea that there may be a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ number of years between our perfect partner and us.

But why is it that relationships with age-gaps cause so much controversy? And what does the research actually have to say? We explore six of the most commonly asked questions about dating someone who is significantly older or younger than you.

10 years, though the gap can be less. The exact number of years for a relationship to ‘count’ as having an age-gap can also vary based on what is considered culturally normal, with other factors – such as a person’s gender or age – affecting how ‘acceptable’ others may see that gap as. For example, someone may be more likely to show concern over a younger woman dating an older man due to fears of grooming, despite the fact that young people of any gender identity and sexual preference can be at risk of grooming.

Age-gap relationships can happen at any point in your life, though someone in their 20s dating someone in their 30s may be more likely to experience comments or pushback from others than a couple in their 50s and 60s.

Q: What are age-gap relationships?

Q: Why are age-gap relationships frowned upon?

An ‘age-gap relationship’ typically refers to a couple who are seriously or casually dating, with an age difference of at least

Many people in age-gap relationships report facing stigma, despite nearly four in 10 (39%) of us having dated someone 10

44 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

years older or younger than us, according to a 2022 Ipsos poll.

The survey revealed that men are more likely to have dated someone 10 or more years younger than them (25% vs 14% of women), while women are more likely to have dated someone 10+ years older (28% vs 21% of men).

Additionally, more than half (57%) of us would be open to dating someone a decade or more older than us, while just under half of us (49%) would consider seeing someone 10 years younger.

Despite around half of us being open to age-gap dating, the research also highlighted an imbalance in how socially acceptable we see it to be for men and women to date someone significantly younger than them.

In fact, 55% of people believe it’s more socially acceptable for a man to date someone 10 or more years younger than them than it is for an older woman to date a man of the same age-gap. But why is that?

One concern can be related to judgements about their different life stages. For example, societal

cliches often present an older man dating a younger woman as having a midlife crisis, while a younger woman may be seen as a potential gold-digger. Another major worry can be that a younger partner may feel financially trapped or indebted to an older partner, due to their different financial situations.

Some research that has particularly taken the media spotlight in recent years has centred around the discovery that our prefrontal cortex continues to develop and mature until the age of 25. This means that, while society often considers us to be fully grown adults by the age of 18, our brains are continuing to develop well into our 20s.

Essentially, the rational part of our

brain, responsible for complex behavioural performance like risk management, impulse control, and long-term planning, doesn’t finish developing until we are 25. This revelation has led some people to consider any age-gap of more than a couple of years to be potentially questionable, or a cause of concern, for those who fall into this age range.

Q: What does the research have to say about age-gap relationships?

One of the major challenges faced by those in age-gap >>> happiful.com | Issue 80 | 45

The rational part of our brain, responsible for complex behavioural performance like risk management, impulse control, and long-term planning , doesn’t finish developing until we are 25 relationships, highlighted in Psychology of Women Quarterly, may stem from a lack of social support, rather than a lack of satisfaction within the relationship itself. This can be due to the stigma faced by either or both partners, and judgement or criticism from friends, family, or even strangers. One study in Current Psychology suggested that negative stereotypes and prejudice towards age-gaps in relationships could stem from worrying that one partner is using the other in some way – be that taking advantage of their perceived emotional immaturity, vulnerability or inexperience, or different financial situations.

But it appears evolution could play a part in the appeal, as we can be subconsciously drawn to others based on reproductive needs – whether that be an appearance of ‘good genes’, vitality and energy, or safety and security. In fact, a study by the Institute of Anthropology, from the Johannes Gutenberg University in Germany, has even suggested that those in age-gap relationships may live longer.

Q; How much of an age-gap is too much?

There is no hard and fast rule on what kind of an age-gap is or isn’t acceptable in any relationship.

Experts have highlighted the 46 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

important fact that maturity levels and lived experiences aren’t always tied to our chronological age. So just because our physical age isn’t a societally accepted ‘perfect’ match, that doesn’t mean that we aren’t compatible.

However, it’s also worth keeping in mind that with bigger age-gaps can come unique challenges, including different health and energy levels, and life priorities and experiences.

One person may want to travel, or pursue further education, while another wants to save for a house, or their retirement.

Q: Why are age-gaps still such a taboo subject?

Many people worry that age-gap relationships are, in essence, an imbalance of power that leaves younger, less experienced partners vulnerable to coercion, abuse, or being taken advantage of. While this can be a valid concern, particularly when the younger partner may still be in that developmental stage of 18–25, this automatic assumption that all age-gap relationships are predatory can also lead to younger partners being less likely to open up about worries or issues that may arise in their relationship. That is why it is so important to ensure friends, family, and loved ones know that you are there to listen if they ever need help.

Q: Can age-gap relationships be healthy?

Whether or not a relationship is healthy can depend on a lot of different factors. While studies have suggested relationship satisfaction can be high for couples in some age-gap relationships, other studies have found that satisfaction can decrease with age – especially if any monetary hardship comes into play.

Power dynamics, financial stability, and emotional wellbeing, can all play significant roles in whether a relationship is healthy and successful for both parties involved. While we all have heard of celebrities with successful large age-gap relationships, and many of us will have older relatives who have been married for decades despite their age differences, only we can decide if our individual relationship and circumstances suit our needs.

The key factors to work on in any relationship are strong communication (even when differing opinions are involved, or conflict arises), trust in each other, and self-awareness. No relationship will always be smooth sailing, but you should both be pulling together, regardless of your age.

5 WAYS TO

SPOT A SCAM Stay alert, and learn how to identify when something isn’t right Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

E

ach December, the number of scams and attempted frauds skyrockets as scammers attempt to take advantage of those doing their Christmas shopping.

According to research by Capital One UK, 1.9 million Brits were scammed during the 2021 festive period, and a further 3 million fear they may have been. So, this year, stay aware with these five tips.

KEEP TRACK OF THE LATEST SCAMS Age UK has a page (ageuk.org.uk/ barnet/our-services/latest-scams) that it regularly updates with details of the latest scams, and it’s well worth keeping an eye on it for yourself and any elderly relatives who may be targeted. Most banks, along with organistions like Royal Mail and the National Lottery, have similar pages that list scams related to their services, as well as tips for spotting legitimate contact.

IF SOMETHING LOOKS ODD, TRY GOOGLING IT Whether it’s a call from an unknown number, a message on WhatsApp, or a strange contact on Facebook, most scams are sent to a lot of people, so if you Google the details, you may be able to find sites that will identify it as such.

E.g. searching phone numbers on who-called.co.uk should reveal if it belongs to a legitimate company, or not.

IS IT TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE? If you receive contact about something that seems too good to be true – such as an unbelievable deal on holiday, or a prize for a competition you don’t remember entering – it could be a warning sign. Investigate further or, if your instincts are telling you something is off, let it go.

CHECK YOU’RE DEALING WITH A REAL COMPANY Some scams are highly calculated and can be very convincing, so it’s not always easy to tell if you’re being contacted by a real company or an impersonator.

Firstly, check whether the company has an address. You may also want to find independent reviews of the company on a site like Trustpilot. Watch out for spelling mistakes or missing details and, once again, visit the company’s security page to confirm emails, phone numbers, and requests if you suspect someone may be impersonating an organisation.

If the message is from a company you recognise, asking you to update details or click on a link, a safer option can be to visit the site directly, and log in to your account from there as a precaution.

IS THERE A SENSE OF URGENCY? If you receive contact that demands payment that you were not expecting, and does so with a sense of threat or urgency, this could be a red flag. Also be aware of any contact that asks you to pay in unusual ways, such as with vouchers or by making an overseas payment. If you can confirm this request is coming from a real company, but you’re still unsure if it’s legitimate, call the company on the number displayed on their website.

If you think you may have been the victim of a scam, report it and seek further support by visiting citizensadvice.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 80 | 47

Festive family breakfast A flavourful breakfast to set everyone up on Christmas morning (or the morning after) Writing | Nathalie Gudgeon

I

t can be difficult to organise time with family and friends amongst the various gettogethers during the holiday season. And whether you’re the host or the guest, an oftenforgotten meal is breakfast.

Hosting a festive breakfast, with a table of delicious sharing dishes, is one of my favourite ways to gather loved ones, and make sure we’re set up for the busy day ahead. My go-to recipe when hosting is baked oat pots. They’re packed full of festive spices that I guarantee will leave no crumbs!

48 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

food & health

To serve • Dried fruit, such as cranberries, sultanas, apricots • Chopped festive nuts, such as pecans or walnuts • Sliced apple • Greek or coconut yoghurt

Method

Festive baked oat pots Serves 6

Ingredients • 2 small bananas, mashed • 3 apples, cored, peeled, and grated • Zest and juice of 1 large orange • 225g gluten-free oat flour or ground oats • 3 tsp baking powder • 3 tsp ground cinnamon • 2 tsp ground mixed spice • 300ml plant-based milk

• Preheat the oven to 180°, gas mark 4.

• Grease 6 small ramekin dishes with olive oil (or my personal choice is to use grease-proof paper) to prevent the mixture from sticking to the side of the dish.

• Start by mashing the bananas and mixing in the grated apple and orange zest.

• Mix in the oats, baking powder, cinnamon, and mixed spice.

• Lastly, add the plant milk and fully combine to make a thick batter.

• Divide the batter equally between all the ramekins.

• Bake in the oven for 25–30 minutes until risen and golden brown on the top.

• While warm, gently prick the top of the oats with a fork and drizzle over the orange juice.

• Let the orange juice soak in the oats for a couple of minutes before serving.

• Guests can choose their toppings: dried fruit, nuts, chopped apple, and/or yoghurt.

Simply double the recipe to make a bigger batch (whether for more guests, or if you want seconds).

The healthy bit

I am a big fan of oats! They have an excellent nutritional composition – rich in calcium, magnesium, and potassium, with additional benefits related to their bioactive compounds. In addition, oats may assist in preventing diseases such as atherosclerosis, hypercholesterolaemia, and even colon cancer.

Beta-glucans have proven cholesterol-lowering and antidiabetic effects, encouraging healthy satiety, so we feel fuller for longer.

Beta-glucan fibre also remains in the digestive tract, meaning stools can move more quickly and are easier to pass, so it’s a great preventative measure for constipation. Not only this, but studies also show that the breakdown and fermentation of oat fibre can increase the diversity of the gut microbiome. Gut health is so important, particularly during the Christmas season when overindulgence can knock things out of balance.

Apples also contain prebiotics, as well as polyphenols, which are again very protective of the gut.

Finally, I love not only the festive flavour of cinnamon, but its various benefits in stabilising our blood sugar levels.

Nathalie Gudgeon is a registered nutritionist who is passionate about working with people who are looking for inspiration in the kitchen.

Find out more on her profile at the Nutritionist Resource. happiful.com | Issue 80 | 49

The conflicting emotions of pregnancy after infertility Falling pregnant after struggling to conceive can feel like a miracle, but it can also be accompanied by a confusing mix of fear, anxiety, and unexpected triggers. Here, two women share their stories…

Writing | Laura Cooke

S

pending many months or years struggling to conceive can take a real toll on mental and emotional health. Success rates for fertility treatments vary, so if treatment does work for you, then you may expect to feel an overwhelming sense of joy, triumph, or relief.

But pregnancy after infertility can stir up some unexpected, and often conflicting, emotions that you may not be prepared for.

“Just because you’ve become pregnant, it doesn’t mean that the emotional toll of the past few years, and the stress you experienced along the way, will disappear overnight,” explains Navit Schechter, CBT therapist and founder of Conscious & Calm. “If you’ve been through months or years of set-backs, disappointments, and challenges, it can take a toll on the mind and body, and that then takes time to work through.

“You might find that the pattern of stress and worrying shifts from focusing on whether or not you’ll get pregnant to whether you’ll stay pregnant, and birth

50 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

a healthy baby. There’s so much uncertainty when trying to get pregnant, and also when pregnant, which can create worry in an attempt to feel more in control or prepared for the worst, but which inevitably creates a lot of anxiety.”

After an emotionally draining five year battle with infertility, including two devastating miscarriages, feelings of anxiety were present throughout much of Jenna Holloway’s IVF pregnancy.

“It was a high-risk pregnancy, because of what I had been through already, and as they were twins, the risk of early labour was far higher,” she says. “We didn’t relax until very near the end, so there’s no way I would have been openly sharing and celebrating the pregnancy online.”

During her struggle with infertility, Jenna found support and life-long friends at a fertility support group. When she got pregnant, she also had to consider how to protect the feelings of others who were fighting their own battles, whether public or private.

“I would never put a scan photo up on social media,” Jenna says.

“With social media, you’re not forewarned about what you’re about to see. The scan picture is normally the first sign that somebody is pregnant, and that can hit you at any moment. You know somebody who is a friend, and then suddenly they’re a pregnant friend and that’s in your face. I was careful, and also I really noticed when other people were sensitive to that, too.”

When someone close to Jenna found out she was expecting a baby at the same time, the friend’s actions sparked an unexpected emotional response.

“She had a little bit of a struggle to get pregnant, but not on the same scale,” explains Jenna.

“When she was pregnant, she bought a buggy that was expandable, so she intended to have a second baby very soon afterwards. And that triggered me in a way – how can you just assume that’s going to happen so easily? It was a really surprising emotion. And just watching other women be so blasé

wellbeing

Lucy with her twins

When you're first pregnant, you don't want to tell anyone.

You want to get to that first milestone, so it can feel quite lonely when you're having all these feelings

about the fact that they were pregnant and seemingly taking it for granted, or moaning about certain things. But that’s their reality, they’ve not experienced what I’ve experienced. Of course they’re not going to be grateful for their morning sickness, but I was grateful for it. So there were some really complex emotions.”

Lucy Froese battled with primary infertility (difficulty conceiving with no previous pregnancies) for three years, before having her first child via IVF at 37. Sadly this was followed by secondary infertility (difficulty conceiving after previous pregnancies), a loss, and three further rounds of IVF before she

fell pregnant at 41 with twins.

Lucy admits it was a much harder pregnancy.

“When you’re first pregnant, you don’t want to tell anyone or to talk about it. You want to get to that first milestone, so it can feel quite lonely when you’re having all these feelings coming through,” she said. “Having experienced miscarriage, I had the fear of going through that again, so any twinge would trigger the fear that I was going to miscarry my pregnancy.” >>> happiful.com | Issue 80 | 51

Lucy says that fear, coupled with feelings of denial, prompted her to pay for extra scans before 16 weeks of her pregnancy, as well as additional blood tests, in a bid to find some peace of mind.

“When you have gone through miscarriages, every time you go to the bathroom you check your knickers, because you’re worried you could be bleeding, and that there’s something wrong. It’s tough to move past that,” explains Lucy. “With IVF, they always scan you at seven weeks to check implantation has taken place.

I paid for an extra four or five scans, because of two bouts of bleeding at around eight weeks and 14 weeks.

“I had only just had my first few weeks’ scan, so when I went to an early pregnancy unit they didn’t want to scan me, because they had done one two days before, and wanted to leave it and see what happened. I didn’t want to wait a whole other week, so I decided to pay privately just to make sure things were OK.” For Lucy, the key to overcoming her anxiety was to seek emotional support from a fertility coach, who gave her tools and strategies 52 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

The Holloway twins to navigate the emotional rollercoaster of pregnancy after infertility.

Lucy says: “Having that support throughout just massively helped me, so my anxiety lessened.

I then learned to enjoy the pregnancy, and I went into birth very prepared. And I actually felt emotionally very empowered.

“I think investing in emotional support was key for me. I didn’t want to hold my breath for nine months until the baby was here, and I think that’s what so many women do when they’ve gone through a battle to conceive.”

Lucy’s daughter is now seven, and her twins are now four years old and, inspired by her experience with the fertility

coach, Lucy has retrained as a fertility and pregnancy-toparenthood coach, and helps other women going through similar journeys.

Meanwhile, Jenna’s fertility journey also led to a new career, when she swapped a high-stress teaching job for a fulfilling new role as a hypnotherapist and intuitive mindset coach for entrepreneurs, prompted by a change in mindset following her first miscarriage.

“I started focusing on what I was grateful for. And I just remember saying to my husband, right now in life, I’ve got to the place where I’m happy and grateful. And that was weeks before I got pregnant,” Jenna says.

Jenna’s twins are now four years old, and although she would love to add to her family, Jenna is content to leave things to fate.

She said: “If I’m going to have another child, I’ve got two choices. I either go through IVF again, but I’m not prepared to do that, or I just leave it up to fate. So I live my life in a place of complete surrender. Any month I could get pregnant, and that would be amazing.”

Christmas spirit: T h e p ow e r o f v o l u n t e e r i n g

What if, this Christmas, you did something totally different?

Kathryn Wheeler shares her experience of volunteering on Christmas Day, and the things you can do to make a lasting impact this year

W

hat do you write in a Christmas card to someone you’ve never met? It’s a question I asked myself last December, when I was writing to the strangers I would be spending Christmas Day with.

Volunteering at Christmas was something I’d always wanted to

do but, for some reason or other, each year that came around didn’t feel quite right. Following the Covid-19 lockdown, time with family felt more precious than it had been before, and returning to ‘normal’ at a time of year when ‘normal’ means re-enacting long-held traditions and doing

the same things with the same people you always do them with, was a particular comfort.

But 2022 felt different, again.

While the beginnings of the cost of living crisis hit us all, it affected some more than others.

According to Statista, in 2022, around 11 million people in the >>> happiful.com | Issue 80 | 53

UK were living in relative poverty, with that number increasing to 14.4 million when housing costs are considered. A government report found that, from October 2021 to September 2022, 25% of UK adults felt lonely all the time or some of the time. When faced with those realities, you can feel hopeless about what to do. Which is what led me to sit in front of two blank Christmas cards one evening in December.

The Oxford Christmas Lunch is open to anyone who wants to come together to enjoy a traditional Christmas meal.

Attendees include refugees, the elderly, those with disabilities and severe mental illnesses, families living in food poverty, the homeless (and their dogs), or simply those who would rather not celebrate Christmas alone.

But what makes this Christmas lunch really special is that volunteers aren’t just there to cook and serve the lunch (which is made entirely of donated food), the Oxford Christmas Lunch has a big emphasis on befriending – matching volunteers with attendees, who you collect and drive to the venue, and remain with throughout the day, before driving them home in the evening.

A couple of weeks before the day, another volunteer phoned me to tell me a little about the two people we would be spending the day with. She gave me their addresses, encouraging me to send them each a Christmas card introducing myself and my partner, and letting them know a date and time we would give them 54 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

People have difficult days on Christmas, and if we don’t have things like this then it becomes a lonely day

a ring to arrange details for the day. And, soon, that day came.

We woke up early, made breakfast, and exchanged gifts, before getting in the car and heading to meet the two people we would be spending the rest of the day with. On the edge of Oxford, the four of us walked into a huge community centre, chockfull of people. We took our seats at the table we shared with two other attendees, and the fatherdaughter volunteers who had come with them. We served food and tucked in, sharing stories and laughter, book recommendations,

and jokes. Christmas music played throughout, and children gathered around a magician and entertainer. It was the most festive I had felt in years, perhaps even since I was a child.

Because of the emphasis on befriending, I didn’t feel like a bystander, or a facilitator; I was just part of it. I remember feeling emotional as we sat there together, and when I shared this reflection with my partner recently, he recalled feeling similarly.

“It was humbling to see how something that seems

positive pointers

– and we’ve got novels like A Christmas Carol which explores how damaging isolation can be – and so it’s wonderful that there are organisations that make that togetherness happen.”

How to make a difference this Christmas Inspired to do something incredible this year? There are so many ways you can make a difference.

so small, just having dinner with someone, and driving them half an hour into town, had such an impact on the quality of their life,” he says.

“There are people who have difficult days on Christmas, and if we don’t have things like this – because the services aren’t necessarily there – then Christmas becomes an incredibly difficult and lonely day, and I think if you can make a difference one year, that’s a really nice thing to do.

“We have a holiday that is centred around togetherness

• Find in-person volunteering opportunities. To find opportunities like the Oxford Christmas Lunch, you can search Google, ask around in local social media spaces such as Facebook groups, contact local churches, or visit volunteering sites like reachvolunteering.org.uk. If you want to volunteer, but not on Christmas Day, there are still a lot of things you can get involved with. For example, a lot of places need help with food prep in the days leading up to Christmas. Or you may be able to help with logistics, or even just spreading the word.

• Send a Christmas card to someone experiencing isolation. There are many different organisations which run schemes that ask volunteers to send Christmas cards: Age UK runs Dear Christmas Friend, to send cards to elderly people in hospital; the Angel Card Project matches volunteers with those in need, and you can also nominate

people to receive cards; and Post Pals connects you with seriously ill children and their siblings.

• Get involved virtually. #JoinIn is a Twitter conversation founded by comedian Sarah Millican, where anyone can join in the chat if they are feeling lonely on Christmas Day. It’s been running for more than 10 years now, and is an opportunity to connect with others, no matter where you are, and offer companionship and kindness.

The festive season is a time when a lot of us return to what feels familiar, and so volunteering at Christmas can, in some ways, feel like a daunting sacrifice. But that wasn’t my experience.

It can be so easy to feel pessimistic about the state of things at the moment.

Many people are living in unacceptable conditions, loneliness is a serious problem, and vital services simply don’t have the capacity to be there for all those who need them. I can’t tell you that one person can fix all that, but what I can say is that sitting in a room with hundreds of other like-minded volunteers, connecting with strangers over the things we have in common, and sharing a meal and a day, didn’t feel like a sacrifice – it felt like a source of hope and a reminder that, as long as we keep coming together, we can keep it alive. happiful.com | Issue 80 | 55

How to support the children of parents with mental ill-health For children of those with mental illnesses, life can be tough. Which is why ensuring they have the right support is an important step Writing | Chana Hughes

I

t is a huge and difficult challenge for an adult to have a mental illness. The group of people who are also affected, but who often go unnoticed, are the children of parents with mental illness, and in the UK there are estimated to be more than 3.4 million young people living with a parent who is mentally unwell. That means that in an average classroom, around eight children have a parent with mental health problems.

For children living with parental mental illness, life can be incredibly tough. Here are five tips on how to support them:

1. Explain well and explain again

Parental mental illness can be confusing. Sometimes children can blame themselves. It is important to develop an ageappropriate explanation for their parent’s behaviour, so that they can understand their parent better, and not feel too scared.

Metaphors are often useful, and 56 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

there are some helpful videos you can access online (visit the Our Time channel on YouTube).

The act of explaining in itself also reassures children, so expect them to want to hear the explanation several times.

2. Call on an adult from outside the family for support

Children naturally learn how to make sense of the world through their parents. When a parent is mentally unwell, a child needs to understand that how they are reacting may not be a direct response to their environment, rather it is an expression of their mental illness. This is not easy for a child who is hard-wired to trust and take cues from their parents.

Having a supportive adult who is outside the family means that they can help orientate the child and give them some perspective. It also means that when the child is spending time with them they can hand over responsibility and behave in a

carefree way. Children may not have many opportunities to do this at home if a parent is unwell.

An independent adult can also advocate for a child, and speak up for their needs if required.

3. Find kids who are experiencing the same.

There is so much shame and stigma about mental illness, that it is often really difficult for children to share their experiences with their friends.

They often feel isolated in their experiences, and different from their classmates. It is really helpful if children can meet other young people like them who are going through a similar situation with having parents with mental illness.

The organisation Our Time has workshops throughout the country that work with the entire family when one or both parents are mentally ill. Many participants have said that meeting other children with parental mental illness made

wellbeing

In an average classroom, eight children have a parent with mental health problems them feel that they were not alone, and gave them valuable support.

4. Make sure the child knows what to do in a crisis

Although it is not the job of a child to be responsible for a parent’s wellbeing, it is important to recognise that a child with a parent experiencing mental illness might find themselves being the first person to see a crisis develop. Children should have clear instructions on how to recognise signs that mum or dad needs help, and who to contact in a crisis situation so that they can call on the help that they need.

5. Don’t forget to celebrate the positives

Sometimes, parental mental illness can last for long periods of time, and managing their wellbeing can be overwhelming.

As a family, it’s important to not lose sight of the children’s positive achievements, and take pride in the accomplishments and the

things that everybody does well as a family. When a family is struggling, it is also helpful to give children healthy outlets outside the home so that they can build their sense of self-esteem, and their individual identity.

Having parents with mental illness can feel confusing, shameful, unfair, and difficult.

It is not an easy burden to carry in addition to all the other stresses of growing up. But these steps help support children and boost their confidence during challenging times.

Chana Hughes is a family and couples therapist working both for the NHS and in private practice. happiful.com | Issue 80 | 57

Happiful recommends

From a self-reflective outdoor activity to a lesson in advocacy, check out these refreshing recommendations from our wellbeing round-up Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

3

Buy cards that do good things Do you need to buy a card for a friend’s upcoming birthday?

Maybe you have still to send your Christmas cards? Let’s make card-giving more impactful by purchasing charity cards that donate profits to good causes, or plantable cards that give back to the environment.

1

PAGE-TURNERS The Little Big Things

by Henry Fraser This inspirational memoir has been making headlines in the media after it was recently adapted into a West End musical, and it’s not surprising to see why. In The Little Big Things, Henry Fraser speaks of his struggles following a tragic accident that left him paralysed, and how he overcame them by finding joy in life’s little things.

(Out now, Seven Dials)

2

ACT OF KINDNESS

4

LEND US YOUR EARS ‘Deep Sleep Sounds’ We’ve all had those nights of tossing and turning uncontrollably to try to get the slightest wink of sleep, but here to help you sleep easy is ‘Deep Sleep Sounds’ – a podcast that uses soothing soundscapes to help restless sleepers unwind.

(Available on all podcast platforms)

OUT AND ABOUT

Take your journaling outdoors Winter often provides an idyllic canvas for moments of stillness and self-reflection, offering a prime opportunity to wrap up warm and take your journaling outdoors. What are the best and worst things about winter for you? What winter memories can you recall? Are there any plants or wildlife that capture your attention?

58 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

5

PLUGGED-IN

Recipes by Anne Scrolling through Tiktok, you’ll see recipe after recipe for delicious meals. But one account that is changing the food game is @recipesbyanne. Her informative videos teach us how to cook simple and nourishing recipes, including meal prep ideas, budget-friendly dinners, and tasty one-pan recipes.

(Follow her on Tiktok)

culture

6

LESSON LEARNED

Conversations in the Community course Fostering conversations about mental health, and knowing what to say to help support others can be challenging. But Mind has a wonderful free online course that can help equip you with the skills needed to become a compassionate advocate.

(Visit mind.org.uk to find out more)

9

SQUARE EYES

7

TECH TIP-OFFS

Cloud-a-Day If you’re someone who takes pleasure in watching the clouds pass you by, the Cloud Appreciation Society has a delightful app just for you. Immerse yourself in the fascinating world of clouds by learning more about the different types that grace our sky, as well as documenting your own awe-inspiring sightings. (Available on the app store)

8

GET GOING

Ice skating Glide into fitness this winter with ice skating. To name a few reasons why you should make it your go-to exercise this month, ice skating improves balance, joint flexibility, and strength, but let’s not forget that it also checks all the boxes for being a fun, confidence-boosting way to benefit your wellbeing.

(Head to your local ice rink)

Life on Our Planet Life on Our Planet is an extraordinary docuseries produced by Steven Spielberg that takes us on a fascinating journey through time, transporting us back 4 billion years to understand the remarkable rise and fall of our planet’s oldest living creatures. (Available on Netflix)

10

TREAT YOURSELF

Calm Moment – Pulse Point Roller Collection Set We all need to remind ourselves to slow down from time to time, and with the help of these soothing pulse point aromatherapy rollers, we can find respite in doing exactly that. Each roller has its own unique scent – including lavender, patchouli and more – promising to transport you to your moment of calm. (£12.95, calm-and-collective.co.uk)

WIN A CALM MOMENT PULSE POINT ROLLER COLLECTION (3X10ML BOTTLES) For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com Which of these is not a pulse point area? a) Nose b) Wrist c) Neck *Competition closes 31 January 2024.

UK and Northern Ireland only. T&Cs apply. Good luck! happiful.com | Issue 80 | 59

Ready to transform your wellbeing?

When you’re ready to take the first step, Happiful is by your side.

Use our guided search tool to find the right person for you

Hypnotherapy

Coaching Counselling

Nutritional support

Complementary therapies

Visit happiful.com to start your journey Search for professional help at happiful.com. The Happiful family of wellbeing directories are Counselling Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Life Coach Directory, and Therapy Directory. Professionals and 60 | Issue 80 | happiful.com organisations listed are individually verified and approved by our team to meet our directory policy requirements.

reflect & reframe

The ways we grow: Understanding dandelion and orchid children Could the metaphor pitched by a paediatrician be the key to understanding children, and ourselves?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

W

hen children are growing, one of the most important things the people in their lives can do is to nurture them – more specifically, nurture them in the way that they need to be nurtured.

There are countless self-help books on this, with varying schools of thought vying to help parents and carers make the right choice when it comes to raising children. Ultimately, what’s right for one person may not be right for another – but opening your mind to what’s out there could result in finding something that resonates. And this could be another concept to consider.

In 2019, American paediatrician W Thomas Boyce published

his book, The Orchid and the Dandelion: Why Some Children Struggle and How All Can Thrive.

In it, he makes the case that some children thrive in any environment, while others only flourish under certain conditions.

He calls these two groups ‘dandelion’ and ‘orchid’ kids, and believes that recognising whether a child falls into one of these groups can help us understand what they need from parents and caregivers.

He writes about how, as a paediatrician for more than four decades, he became aware of the ways in which some children are “inordinately affected by the forces that protect health and those that imperil it”. He points

to early childhood experiences as one possible explanation for these differences, and also to a child’s “relative biological susceptibility to the social contexts in which they live and grow”, both negative and positive – leading to the classic nature vs nurture debate. But, the dandelion and orchid children metaphor can still lead to a lot of helpful discussion, as counsellor Nicola Saunders explains.

“I think this is crucial research in helping us understand that human development is so much more than just physical.

“It is becoming more apparent that epigenetics plays a more significant role than we ever imagined. However, we don’t >>> happiful.com | Issue 80 | 61

need to be scientists to see what is in front of our very eyes or, indeed, an awareness of our childhood experiences.

It is precisely this that is being passed through the generations.

Therefore, as a society, we need to move away from what we deem as our ‘normal’ and move towards understanding what a child needs to thrive, and implement this from conception.”

Nicola believes that having an understanding of our own trauma, and taking steps to heal from it, is an essential part of supporting both dandelion and orchid children. From there, it’s possible to get more specific about responding to children’s needs.

Supporting an orchid child

As the classification suggests, orchid children may need more support when it comes to creating the right environment for them to thrive in. What this will look like varies from child to child, but it may include maintaining a quiet environment, giving calm instructions, incorporating play into tasks, or giving encouragement. However, 62 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

Nicola makes the point that it’s important to handle this in such a way that your reaction does not restrict them.

“Parenting children is a delicate balance,” Nicola says.

“For example, if you have a ‘shy’ child, ask yourself why they are shy. ‘Am I shy? Do I create an environment that means they do not need to utilise their need for assertiveness? Am I raising them in the way that I was raised? Were my parents shy? Therefore, I can see the benefits of this as others will speak for me, thus making

life easier (this is debatable).

Therefore, I want the same for my child.’”

It may be tempting, once you understand the ways that these kinds of traits may either be genetic or related to early infancy or childhood experiences, to try to support them in a way that makes sense to you as the parent. But Nicola has a warning about making these kinds of assumptions: “As parents, we must start seeing children as individuals, instead of extensions of ourselves, to support their

reflect & reframe

a hands-off approach would work just fine for them. But this wouldn’t entirely be the case.

“Dandelion children may experience challenges developing an authentic connection with others due to developing an ability to be self-sufficient at an early age. This can be problematic in every area of life,” Nicola explains. “I have seen many people over the years who, in my mind’s eye, are like islands.

This is simply due to a lack of trust that they can and will be supported by others; therefore, they go through life utilising and getting what they need from

As parents, we must start seeing children as individuals instead of extensions of ourselves emotional and developmental growth.

“Some parents need to be needed. Therefore, they tend to meet their child’s every need, and the child becomes entirely dependent on them. This is essential in early development, but the parent needs to know when to start to let the reins go so that the child can naturally develop, evolve, and thrive.”

Supporting a dandelion child

On the other end of the spectrum, some children are given too much responsibility, and can become dandelion children. From the description of a dandelion child, it may at first seem as though, to some degree,

others but rarely truly connect (they do, however, still have relationships, but anybody who has been with an island before will recognise there has always been something missing – this is the connection).”

In order to break this kind of path, Nicola suggests that dandelion children can and will rely on others if they have evidence that the person can be trusted. To achieve this, she explains that consistency and continuity are essential for dandelion children, and for adults, too.

“The key for a dandelion child is nurture,” she explains. “Only when creating a safe and reliant environment will a dandelion child learn that they do not solely have to rely on themselves.”

Of course, there are some benefits of these traits – being self-sufficient is a good skill to possess. But relying on others is a necessary part of life, and learning how to do so in a healthy way is imperative.

Growing together

As Nicola pointed out, it may be possible for parents to recognise some of these traits in themselves, as well as their kids. And while there are things you can do to ensure the next generation grows up feeling secure and healthy, it’s also never too late to work on yourself. A wellbeing professional, like a counsellor, can help you explore how this may affect your life, and develop strategies to cope with it.

And while this metaphor suggests two categories, a healthy middle ground is possible.

Instead of the detrimentally self-sufficient dandelion or the delicate orchid, with work and awareness, we could aspire to be more like the lavender bush: strong roots that make us resistant to hard times, while we come into spectacular bloom year after year.

Nicola Saunders is a counsellor, supervisor, trainer, and founder and creator of the Empowered Parenting Programme. Find out more on the Counselling Directory. happiful.com | Issue 80 | 63

Tap into

stress relief Try this five-minute EFT routine to help you find calm in a hectic day

E

motional freedom technique (AKA tapping) is a powerful wellness tool that combines affirmations or statements of intent, with rhythmic movement on key acupressure points around the body. When feeling overwhelmed, or perhaps as part of your nightly wind-down routine, why not try this?

1. Rate your anxiety.

On a scale from one to 10, how are your anxiety and stress levels right now? Think about any tension in your body, emotionally where you’re at, and how you feel in mind and body in the present moment.

2. Create your affirmation.

This is a statement you’ll repeat to yourself as you tap the various energy points. A common format for this is ‘Even though I feel X, I deeply and completely accept myself,’ however, it can 64 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

Key tapping points

be anything that resonates with you and the outcome you want to achieve from this exercise. For example: ‘I release stress, and welcome calm.’

3. Begin tapping.

Work through the tapping points (it can be helpful to start from the top of the head down the body, so as to remember what you’ve done), using two fingers with a firm but gentle pressure.

Focus on each point for five to seven ‘taps’, breathing deeply and steadily as you do, repeating your affirmation or statement from step two throughout.

4. Rate your anxiety, again.

How are you feeling now? Do you notice an improvement to the number? If you are content with

• Top of your head (near the crown, or centre) • Eyebrow (along the inner edges) • Side of your eye (between your eye and temple) • Under eye (just above the cheekbone, aligned with your pupils) • Under nose (in the space between your nose and lip) • Chin (in the centre) • Collarbone (just below the ridge of your collarbone) • Under the arm (about four inches under the armpit) • Side of hand (the outer edge by your little fingers, close to the wrist) the change, you can move on, but if you’re still particularly stressed or anxious, you may want to repeat step three. You can even change your statement if you wish, to try another phrasing and see what connects better with how you’re feeling.

food & health

FOOD: The bigger picture From supporting our mental health to its impact on the planet, we look beyond food’s physical composition to explore the different roles it plays in our lives Writing | Kat Nicholls

W

hether you’re a foodie who loves trying multiple dishes at fancy restaurants, or someone who sees food as nothing but fuel, we all have one thing in common: we need to eat to survive. This simple fact makes food an integral part of our lives.

But, ‘eating’ in itself is anything but simple.

The meals we eat can frame our day, bring us joy, and connect us with others. Sitting around a table of food with loved ones can be a beautiful way of creating a sense of community and belonging. Eating a varied diet can nourish both body and mind, helping us feel as good as we possibly can.

However, eating can also have a dark side. For those struggling with an eating disorder, food becomes a tool for selfdestruction. Society has given food a sense of morality, labelling

some as ‘good’ and some as ‘bad’.

This skews our view of health, and makes the concept of healthy eating feel like a 10-sided Rubik’s Cube. On top of this, the way we eat affects the world around us.

Our farming habits are impacting the planet in a devastating way, adding yet another layer of complexity.

Understanding the physical health benefits of different foods is, of course, something we advocate for. The more informed we are, the more agency we have over our choices. Perhaps though, it’s time to step back and look at food from every angle; seeing the different roles diet plays can help us assess our own eating habits in a more holistic way.

The mental health role We are starting to learn more about the importance of eating for mental health and, specifically, how gut

health ties in with this. For example, eating a diet rich in nutrients and fatty acids helps the neurons in our brain communicate better. A study published in Social Science & Medicine has even found that increasing the amount of fruit and vegetables you eat can lower the risk of clinical depression.

Nutritionist Sarah Hanratty expands on why gut health is so important for mental wellness. “Certain strains of gut bacteria have the capacity to create inflammation and could influence mental health via the vagus nerve. Current research is pointing to a strong relationship between chronic inflammation and depression.”

Eating well can be a form of self-care, giving your body and mind what it needs to thrive.

Learning which foods help you feel better mentally, and which >>> happiful.com | Issue 80 | 65

foods make you feel worse is a great place to start.

For those with disordered eating, every mealtime can be a stressor. But eating problems can be overcome and, with the right support, it’s entirely possible that you’ll be able to eat in a joyful way again.

Counselling can help you unpick the root of your illness, and help you devise healthy ways of coping with difficult emotions that don’t involve food. Working with an experienced nutrition professional can then support you with learning how to nourish yourself again with a balanced eating plan.

66 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

Our mental health is as important as our physical health, and should never be dismissed – even when it comes to our food choices.

The cultural role Every culture and country has its own cuisines, customs, and traditions. In the Happiful office, we’ve had debates with American colleagues over the definition of ‘biscuit’. Americans slather their version in gravy while we Brits dunk ours in a cup of tea. The difference is both beautiful and mind-boggling.

For migrants, moving to a new country often means letting go

of their homes and aspects of their culture in a bid to ‘fit in’.

Holding on to the food of their home country can be a key way of expressing their identity.

Embracing the cultural cuisine of your parents or grandparents can also help you reconnect with your roots, letting go of any food rules you may have inadvertently internalised. And of course, we can all tap into and enjoy cuisines from around the world – it’s just another way of creating connection.

Whether it’s food enjoyed in your home culture, or a particular meal your grandad used to make, food holds within

food & health

If you’re keen to change the relationship you have with eating, you may find our latest podcast episode, ‘Eating: Finding What Works’ helpful. We speak with nutritional therapist Kaysha Thomas about why eating can be so complicated, the joy of reconnecting with cultural foods, and tips to change the way you view food.

it memories and parts of our identity.

The environmental role The way we’re currently eating is making a big impact on the planet – and not in a good way. Food-based agriculture is believed to account for more than a third of global greenhouse gases, according to a 2021 study by the University of Illinois, and are considered the largest drivers of environmental degradation and climate instability.

As awareness of climate change grows, more of us are making personal changes for a more sustainable planet. From reusable

coffee cups and metal straws to electric cars, it’s noticeable that our society is wising up. One of the best things we can do for our planet, however, is to reduce our meat intake. This can be as simple as replacing certain meals with vegetarian alternatives (taking a flexitarian approach), or following the Planetary Diet.

“The key purpose behind creating this diet is to save lives, feed 10 billion people, and all without causing catastrophic damage to the planet,” explains registered nutritionist Rhiannon Lambert.

“Developed by 37 of the world’s top scientists at EAT-Lancet, the Planetary Diet acknowledges the changes we can make in our meals to support sustainability, while still getting the nutrients we need.”

At the end of the day, food is multifaceted. It can bring so much joy to our lives, if we’re able to drop the guilt and find a way to eat in a way that benefits

us mentally and physically. But, balance is essential here.

By all means, consider the impact your food is having on your health and the world around you, but don’t punish yourself for buying plastic-wrapped convenience food from time to time, or enjoying a family-sized bar of chocolate when cravings hit. When we can remove morality, and see the way food connects us with ourselves and each other, we thrive. And the better your relationship is with food, the happier you’ll be exploring every element.

Sarah Hanratty is a clinical nutrionist specialising in creating better physical and mental health. Find her profile on the Nutritionist Resource. happiful.com | Issue 80 | 67

24 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

Take 5

Think you can take on these brain-teasers? It’s your time to shine…

Sudoku

Fill the grid so that each column, row, and 3x3 subgrid contains the digits 1–9.

1 6

8 5

4

9 8

9

5 6

5

6

7

4

6

1

3 How di do? V d you isit ‘Freeb ies’ se the ction shop. o h to fin appiful.co n d the m a and m nswers, ore!

7

1

4

5 7

9

6

5

1

4

8

2 5

4

3 7

2 9

1

Word wheel

Using the letters in the wheel no more than once each time, create as many words, of three letters or more, as you can, always including the letter at the centre of the wheel. Want an extra challenge? Set yourself a time limit – 90 seconds, go!

5 = puzzle pro 10 = wordsmith wizard 15+ = Shakespearean superstar

T O

L G O E

S

D N

Visual thinking Discover the neuroscience behind visualisation, and how it can help you achieve your goals

F

or centuries, humans have harnessed the power of imagination, in the form of visualisation, to inspire confidence, streamline learning, and achieve goals. Many well-known figures, such as Oprah Winfrey, Michael Phelps, and Nikola Tesla, even attribute visualisation to their success.

Before touring, Beyoncé imagines her shows in intricate detail, right down to the size and colour of her shoes.

Albert Einstein regularly used visualisation to understand abstract quantum concepts, and these techniques led to the development of the theory of relativity.

Our ability to imagine inspired us to construct tools that helped us survive in the face of stronger predators, it was instrumental in the development of civilisations, and is so integral to us that it effectively constructs our entire reality: how we see ourselves and experience the world.

70 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

Critics may try to dismiss visualisation as ‘fluffy’, but the truth is, the human mind is an imagination powerhouse and, on a neurological level, there is little difference between an imagined event and the real experience – with scientific evidence to back this up, such as a 2018 study by the University of Colorado.

Researchers used brain imaging to compare real and imagined threats in two groups, which elicited the same neurological response. This is why we may flinch when hearing the gruesome details of someone’s dentist appointment, or feel the hot flush of embarrassment when recalling a past mortifying blunder.

Thanks to the advancements in neural imaging equipment, we can now see this in action, and there is a growing body of fascinating evidence that shows the effectiveness of visualisation techniques. In one such study, published in the Journal of Neurophysiology, participants were

ELIZABETH DUNNE MA DSFH

Elizabeth is a solutionfocused hypnotherapist and psychotherapist. Find out more by visiting the Hynotherapy Directory.

divided into two groups. One group was asked to practise a simple piano sequence, the other was asked to simply imagine playing the sequence over a period of five days. Neural activity was measured, and results found there was little to no difference in the brain scans of both groups.

But can mental practice be a substitute for physical exercise?

Research says, to an extent, it can.

In a mind-blowing study, published in the journal Neuropsychologia, a group who only imagined doing a set of finger muscle exercises increased their muscle strength by 35% compared to the physical exercise group whose muscle mass increased by 53%, a difference of only 18%. Of course, before you cancel the gym membership,

EXPERT COLUMN

TIPS FOR EFFECTIVE VISUALISATION: • Keep it short and repeat, and repeat, and repeat.

• Focus on the process rather than the result; if you want to run a marathon, imagine yourself going out and training every morning.

• Make it detailed and atmospheric by using different senses (what you can see, hear, smell, and how you want to feel).

remember that it is certainly not a replacement for a good workout, but a fantastic option for those who want to perfect their technique, or practise during times of busyness or illness.

In the run up to a big event, such as a performance or speech, mental rehearsal can help regulate stress and calm the mind, as noted in a 2022 study in the journal Nature.

By doing a mental play-by-play, we desensitise ourselves from the worries or fear around the event, helping us feel better prepared on the day. We do this naturally when we get good quality sleep, which could be why we often dream of going to the airport the night before an early flight.

Visualisation also helps to improve our focus on what we

want, and limits unnecessary distractions. This is because of a phenomenon called value tagging – you might be familiar with this idea from ‘the red car’ example, where the moment we decide to buy a red car, we start seeing them everywhere. Our brain is inundated with sensory input every second, and if it processed everything, we would quickly become overwhelmed, so we must filter what is important to complete the task at hand.

When we focus on what we want to accomplish, our mind is more alert to our desired goals, and how to achieve them.

In solution-focused hypnotherapy, just before hypnosis, we guide clients through a visualisation exercise of a small

action they want to achieve. This helps present desired outcomes or habits that can be more easily accepted by the subconscious during trance.

Because the brain processes imagined events almost as if they’ve happened, when we ruminate about the past, or negatively forecast the future, we inadvertently practise a very anxiety and cortisol-provoking visualisation exercise by rehearsing the worst possible outcomes. The good news is, we always have a choice. So why not flip the script and focus on how you want things to be and how to get there. Think of visualisation as providing a postcode of your favourite destination to the satnav of your mind. happiful.com | Issue 80 | 71

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reflect & reframe

How to live with a sense of

foreshortened future Investigating an often overlooked symptom of PTSD, and steps we can take to address it Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

W

here do you see yourself in five years? That’s the dreaded question that crops up everywhere from job interviews to first dates, and while you might have a rough idea of what you’re working towards, some post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) sufferers simply can’t imagine it.

Once thought to be something that only affected war veterans, PTSD is a mental health condition that can result from a variety of distressing experiences. Anything from the sudden death of a loved one, sexual abuse, or a natural disaster, to the COVID-19 lockdowns, could be the trigger.

Thanks to celebrities like Ariana Grande, Scarlett Curtis, and

Lady Gaga sharing their stories, the general population are now beginning to understand the complexities of the condition.

You’re probably already aware that people with PTSD often experience debilitating symptoms including flashbacks, nightmares, physical pain, hyperarousal, and addiction issues. But one lesser-known symptom of the condition is a sense of a foreshortened future.

WHAT IS A SENSE OF A FORESHORTENED FUTURE? For a lot of people, thoughts of the future bring a sense of excitement and anticipation.

But for some PTSD sufferers, the concept of creating one’s future is incomprehensible – terrifying,

even – because they believe they have no future to look forward to.

Because of their painful past, people who experience this symptom may have a sense that they won’t live long, that their lives will be cut short, and they won’t reach certain societal milestones such as going to university, getting married, or having a family. Some people describe it as a deep knowing that death is imminent, while others say it’s a fleeting thought that paints a bleak or blurry future.

WHY IS IT A PROBLEM? The impact of a sense of a foreshortened future shouldn’t be downplayed. It’s a perspective on life that can permeate someone’s ability to find career satisfaction, healthy relationships, and a >>> happiful.com | Issue 80 | 73

PTSD can leave people in a heightened state of anxiety. As a result, they may find they simply can’t think about anything other than one day at a time

complete sense of self. Without any faith that tomorrow will arrive, they get stuck in a state of neverending hopelessness which can lead to avoidance behaviours such as substance abuse, reckless spending, and social isolation.

It’s important to understand that this isn’t the person’s fault, but rather the manifestation of such deep-rooted self-doubt that they literally feel incapable of surviving.

WHY DOES IT HAPPEN? If the traumatic experience came with a loss of control, then the uncertainty of the future might trigger painful feelings that mirror those from the initial trauma. Engaging in conversations or thoughts about the future can recreate those painful fears, so avoiding them maintains a sense of control.

Additionally, PTSD can leave people in a heightened state of anxiety, which can be mentally and physically exhausting. As a result, they may find they simply 74 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

reflect & reframe

can’t think about anything other than one day at a time.

This type of avoidance is a result of very real pain, one that is aimed at preventing further emotional distress. In theory, it can serve as a way for individuals to emotionally protect themselves from the uncertainty and potential disappointment that the future may hold. By holding a pessimistic view at all times, there is less risk of being hurt when things don’t turn out well.

In practice, it can keep a person trapped in the past and unable to live a fulfilling life.

TREATMENT OPTIONS Thankfully, there are helpful coping mechanisms available to soothe symptoms and nurture optimism for the future.

Kamalyn Kaur, a psychotherapist and anxiety expert, suggests trying evidence-based therapy such as cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) or eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR).

“This can help address the underlying trauma and work through any negative or catastrophic thoughts related to the future,” explains Kamalyn.

“These therapies will help you rationalise negative thoughts, so that you don’t go into a negative spiral of thoughts.”

There is also the option of somatic therapy, an approach that focuses on the physical sensations that can live in the body after a traumatic event.

By observing and processing these sensations, you can safely move out of survival mode, and

heal from the trauma. Because this form of therapy can involve physical touch and sensations that may trigger flashbacks, it’s important that you find a trained therapist to support you through this work.

WRITE IT OUT In the comfort of your own home, journaling can help you process feelings and keep you anchored safely in the present. Try writing about the good things that have happened in your recent past, such as earlier today or yesterday.

Try to slow down your thinking and focus on exactly where you are right now, journaling about the pleasant feelings in your body as well as any sounds, smells or sights you can observe. Who makes you feel seen? Write about them and explore why they make you feel better, taking time to express gratitude either in your journal or by letting them know personally.

CONNECT WITH PEOPLE YOU TRUST Because a foreshortened future can lead to feelings of shame, inadequacy and social isolation, surrounding yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself is key. Understandably, isolating yourself might feel like the only way to remain safe, but when you’re alone you’re more likely to experience intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, and more intense fears about the future.

This doesn’t mean you need to be out seeing friends every night of the week, just be aware of your tendency towards isolation, try

to connect regularly with friends and family, and note the positive impact it has on your general wellbeing. It can be helpful to explain your symptoms to friends so that they understand the importance of social time, and always remember to set boundaries on what you’re comfortable with.

BABY STEPS Actively working towards something that genuinely scares you is a big deal. Be kind to yourself and, when you’re ready, try setting small goals to familiarise yourself with the process. Start small, by setting a tiny goal for the day, e.g. drinking three glasses of water, or reading two pages of a book.

These small wins are a step in the right direction, and prove that you are making progress towards building a happy future.

“Setting and achieving small goals will help give you a sense of accomplishment, purpose, and fulfilment,” says Kamalyn.

“Furthermore, the completion of these goals should be acknowledged and celebrated regardless of how minor they might be, as this can aid with a more positive and hopeful outlook for the future.”

Fiona Fletcher Reid is a freelance writer and author, whose book, ‘Work It Out’ is available now (Welbeck Balance, £9.99). Visit fionalikestoblog.com for more.

Kamalyn Kaur is a psychotherapist and anxiety expert (kamalynkaur.com). happiful.com | Issue 80 | 75

Five ways to live mindfully (according to a meditation teacher)

Slow down, tune-in, and create a more mindful life with these starting points

L

iving mindfully isn’t always easy, especially in this fastpaced world where we can feel like we are always switched on. But, there are techniques we can use to help us relax and be more present in our lives.

As a mindfulness meditation teacher, I help people become aware of their internal world (their thoughts, and emotions), and their external world (what is going on around them).

While there is no quick fix to mindful living – it’s a state of awareness that takes time and practice – there are habits you can add to your daily routine to help you live more mindfully. From meditation to gratitude, here are my top five tips for building a life rooted in mindfulness.

Create a meditation practice

For many people, mindful living starts with meditation as it teaches us to become aware of what’s going on in our mind and body, and in the world around us.

If you make meditation part of your everyday life, not only will you feel calmer, but it will also encourage you to live in the here and now.

An easy way to build a meditation practice is to embrace 76 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

Writing | Ciara McGinley

the method of habit stacking.

Make a cup of tea every morning?

Try meditating while you wait for the kettle to boil. Commute to work via train every day? Take this time to practise breathwork. This might sound small, but it can have a big impact on your wellbeing, and set you up for the day.

Go for a mindful walk

While meditation is a gateway to mindfulness, it’s not the only way to be more present in your day.

If a focused meditation practice feels inaccessible for you right now, try going for a mindful walk instead. As you walk, tune-in to your senses one by one. Think about what you can hear, see, smell, feel, and taste. It could be the feeling of the sun on your skin, or the sounds of dogs playing nearby. Leave your headphones at home so you can really be present in the moment. When you unplug, you might even start to see your local area in a whole new light.

Embrace gratitude

In recent years, research has shown us just how powerful a gratitude practice can be. One study, published in Psychotherapy Research, found that those who wrote gratitude letters to other people in their lives over the

course of three weeks were happier in the weeks following than those who didn’t pen letters. What’s more, people who practise gratitude also sleep better! Yes, that’s right. Another study, published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Research, found that sleep quality was related to what was on our minds, and when we’re in a state of gratitude, and embracing the positives in life, we are more likely to fall asleep faster, sleep for longer, and have better quality sleep.

So, why not try practising gratitude by thinking or writing down three things or three people you are grateful for each day?

It could do wonders for your wellbeing, and help you live more mindfully.

Practise awareness

Leading mindfulness practitioner Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as an “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally”.

This is what the practice is all about. Training ourselves to consciously become aware of our experiences, and accepting them without judgement. Of course, life can be difficult at times, and sometimes challenges come our

way, but by living mindfully we can learn to observe those experiences, accept them for what they are, and then act upon them with resilience, rather than reacting impulsively.

So, next time you are faced with a difficult situation or a challenge in your life, see if you can turn inward. Ask yourself: How am I feeling right now?

What has made me feel this way?

How is my body reacting to this challenge? Am I tense?

Research has shown us just how powerful a gratitude practice can be

Check-in with yourself

Now we know that mindfulness is a state of awareness that comes from taking small steps that make a big difference, try to embrace mindfulness techniques in everything you do. Make bringing yourself into the present moment a part of your everyday life. It could be as simple as every time you get an email, taking three deep breaths before you open it. It could be checking in with how you are feeling today by doing a quick body scan on your morning train commute.

Or, it could be practising mindful eating during lunch, eating slowly, listening to your hunger cues, and knowing when you need to fuel your body. Your journey starts now. happiful.com | Issue 80 | 77

“Don’t count the days, make the days count MUHAMMAD ALI

Photograph | Roman Odintsov

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wellbeing

Innovative tools to support ADHD Discover five effective outlets to help transform the lives of those with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder Writing | Erica Crompton

L

iving with ADHD can be hard. My personal battle with concentration, anxiety, and sleep problems came to a head midlife. I’d started doing more – going out for nice meals and taking regular weekends away. Suddenly, I was struggling to keep on top of very simple things like laundry, cooking, and sleep, and my cottage became chaotic. That’s when I decided to take a trip to my GP for a simple and quick ADHD test to see what was going on.

According to cognitive rehabilitation therapist and ADHD coach, Natalie Mackenzie, common presentation of ADHD in adults varies widely. “Challenges with poor time management, task focus, multitasking, financial management, restlessness, and organisation are often present in adults with ADHD,” she notes.

“Women often present with additional masked symptoms, which lead to later life diagnoses, with females requiring a different treatment approach.”

The NHS also have guidelines on their website about how ADHD presents itself, too, noting that the

majority of cases are diagnosed in children under 12 years old, but for those whose ADHD isn’t recognised in childhood, may find that it’s picked up on as an adult.

Thankfully, complimentary help is at hand in addition to your local NHS services. Whether it’s a book written specially to aid concentration, or one of many mindfulness apps, here are some tried and tested innovative tools for ADHD that have helped myself and others:

TODOIST (todoist.com) Todoist is a wonderful app designed to help organise your life, and find some rhythm amid the chaos. For the past month, I’ve been using it every Monday morning to prepare for the week ahead, and to try to set myself more healthy habits. It’s helped me with everything from remembering to drink a pint of water first and last thing, to keeping on top of house chores.

Alex Muench, lead product designer at Todoist tells me: “With the ability to add priority flags to

tasks, and group them in any view, you’re able to visually separate important from unimportant tasks, and only focus on tasks that matter most to you right now. This gives you peace of mind and a clear direction on what to work on without clutter. People who prefer seeing their tasks on a board can utilise our ‘boards view’ under view options. I’ve heard from several users that this also reduces feeling overwhelmed for people with ADHD.” Alex’s colleague, senior product designer Luis Abreu, adds: “The completed tasks view is also great for providing confirmation you’re making progress when you get worried you’re procrastinating and getting distracted.”

HEADSPACE APP (headspace.com) Mindfulness app Headspace has improved my ability to settle down before sleep and to concentrate on reading and watching television.

I try to do 40 minutes each night with this app, on my phone with headphones. It’s relaxing and the breathing exercises are easy to >>> happiful.com | Issue 80 | 79

understand. It’s also helped me with my focus and to remain a little calmer when under pressure.

Dr Lauren A Lee, who works in clinical product and content development at the app, says: “There is a large body of empirical evidence that points to mindfulness as an effective approach for ADHD, among both children and adults. Mindfulness can improve attention and emotion dysregulation, which are associated with ADHD. The good news is that mindfulness interventions can be treated as an alternative or supplement to medications that are not always effective, and include side-effects.

“Looking at Headspace research specifically, we found in a four-week pilot study among children with ADHD, that digital mindfulness through the Headspace app improved anxiety and sleep symptoms among the children. This suggests the utility

80 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

wellbeing

MEETING PEOPLE WHO SHARE ADHD CAN BE BOTH REWARDING, AND INSIGHTFUL, AS YOU LEARN FROM OTHERS WHO KNOW YOUR STRUGGLES of digitally delivered mindfulness in this population, which is very promising, and we hope to expand our research in this area in the future.”

QUICK READS (readingagency.org.uk) The Quick Reads books scheme tackles adult literacy, mental health, and social isolation, through the power of reading. The books are available from most UK libraries, and I’ve completed (and concentrated on!) the whole series, and even gone on to complete one or two bigger tomes once I found my reading flow.

“Our diverse collection of books, by fantastic authors, has been carefully selected,” Karen Napier, CEO of The Reading Agency notes. “Whether it’s a novel to lose yourself in, or a short story or poem to momentarily whisk you away from the now, there’s something for everyone in this list and we hope this collection brings a smile to your face.”

Mary Dickins, author of Happiness FM, adds: “It is such a pleasure and a privilege to be included, especially alongside so many illustrious writers. I really hope this little book brings a smile to the reader and some muchneeded escapism.”

ONLINE PEER SUPPORT FORUMS (aadduk.org/forum) It’s an old saying that a problem shared is a problem halved. So it makes sense that talking about your ADHD can be beneficial.

AADD-UK Talk is an online discussion forum where you can ask questions, and chat with others about ADHD. Information posted on the forum boards can work as a great complimentary peer-support therapy for you (though it shouldn’t replace the relationship between you and your doctors, or other healthcare professionals). Meeting people who share ADHD can be both rewarding, and insightful, as you learn from others who know your struggles. You can share and halve your problems with ADHD, or share your own solutions for the condition on a forum of peers with the same diagnosis. The AADD-UK Talk forum is notably good as it has such a healthy number of users, as well as fair house rules to keep the space safe.

STIX REMOTES (stixmindfulness.co.uk) Father and son entrepreneurs, John and Liam Murphy, designed the Stix Remotes after seeing Liam’s brother struggling with

ADHD in his formative years.

They’ve since created these mindful Stix Remotes to encourage users to take control of their own wellbeing by making therapeutic and mindfulness activities fun and engaging. The first thing that drew me to these digital, handheld tools was how sleek and colourful they looked – all pastel blue and smooth edges. They look like something I wanted to engage with or have around my home.

These soft remotes come as a pair of handheld devices that light up when the soothing tones of the mindfulness instructor talks to you. Though designed with children aged six to 12-years-old in mind, they’ve benefited me as a mindfulness tool before bedtime, to help get a restful night’s slumber.

Liam Murphy, the elder brother of a child with ADHD, says he wanted to create something suitable for both parents and children. Through market research Liam had found that parents disliked the screentime associated with mindfulness apps, while kids found them boring to listen to. He tells me: “I wanted to create something that was suitable for both parents and children. The interactive product idea evolved naturally from my conversations with parents.” happiful.com | Issue 80 | 81

Festive DIY decor Getting crafty can be a great way to unwind over the winter, and provides you with a more sustainable, and economical, option for adding some festive flair to your home

3D STARS Materials: • Cardboard (could be from delivery or cereal boxes) • Scissors • Ruler (or something with a straight edge) • Glue • Optional: paint or decorations of your choice Steps: • Draw out or trace a star shape on to your cardboard and cut it out. The more space in the centre, the more 3D the end result will appear.

• You can either trace this final shape on to another piece of cardboard, and glue together with a flat back if it’s to be displayed on a wall. Or, you may want to repeat the process so the back element is 3D as well.

• Depending on the look you want, you may leave the cardboard as is for a rustic effect, or you could use leftover wrapping paper scraps, paint it, or get crafty with whatever you have around the house!

DRIFTWOOD TREE Materials • Twigs or driftwood • Wire or string • Leftover baubles • Score a line from each point of the star straight across the centre (it should hit the opposite indent). Your ruler or straight edged item should help with this.

• Bend each spoke of the star so the scored line down the middle pushes up. The result should be that the centre protrudes out.

82 | Issue 80 | happiful.com

Steps: • Order your wood by length, so that when laid out in rows, it forms a triangle shape.

• Leaving space between each row, big enough for your decorations, tie wire or string between the twigs. Add an extra loop of string at the top to help your tree hang like a mobile.

• Again, using your wire or string, take any of those random baubles and tree decorations that no longer have a home, or don’t quite match your main one, and attach to the twigs so they dangle from each level.

Try to space them out relatively evenly, to help the branches remain straight when it’s hanging.

Where to find help Looking for support with your mental health?

Here are some places that can help: CRISIS SUPPORT

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