Happiful Issue 81 by Happiful

DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING

Glimmers of good Romanticise regular life by seeking magic in the mundane

ISSUE 81 £5.99

DISCOVER

Come to your senses The ultimate guide to maximising your five

Let's talk about sex Vocalise your needs with expert insight

CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE? What to do if you're treated like an unofficial therapist

Wishful thinking

The truth about manifestation

(Does it actually work?)

“Time moves slowly, but passes quickly ALICE WALKER, THE COLOR PURPLE

Photograph | Gary Barnes

Awe in the overlooked

No matter how strong or upbeat you might present yourself externally, that armour of indifference can wear thin. And if you’ve had a year that feels like nothing has gone your way, you wouldn’t be alone. When you’ve been knocked down a few times, even the smallest error, or criticism, can become the final straw – and something you latch on to berate yourself with. It can feel like time is passing us by, and our feet are planted in the same spot. The world, and everyone in it, is moving forwards, but we’re stuck making no headway at all. As F Scott Fitzgerald so elequently writes in The Great Gatsby: “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” It might feel like quite a melancholic metaphor – that no matter how hard we try, nothing will change. But I’d argue there’s another way to perceive this. That regardless of what we face, we keep trying. And that’s not something we should knock.

Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge

History might repeat itself, and we can’t control the current, but that doesn’t mean we stay the same. That’s what we hope to encompass in this issue: that progress can be found, if you only know where to look. Perhaps it’s in recognising a small step forward is better than putting pressure on yourself to move by leaps

and bounds, and therefore ditching the inevitable countdown-clock disappointment of new year’s resolutions. Or it could be that when life doesn’t pan out as you expected, such as with our feature on relocating due to the cost of living, there could be a way to feel proud of your ability to adapt – even when change is thrust upon you. Maybe it’s in your mindset, developing an awareness of the ‘glimmers’ of good all around, that let you know everything will be OK, helping you to rebuild that armour of resilience. Distancing ourselves from the idea that a mistake makes us a failure, enables us to respect the journey, and particularly those in-between moments which are neither perfect, nor a disaster. Whether it’s a change in direction, a step backwards, or going in circles, you’re still moving. So give yourself a break. You’re doing just fine. Happy reading,

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges

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REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

I | @happiful_magazine

Start the year strong 12 What are glimmers? How to find the heart-warming moments in everyday life

22 The rise of slow living And why you should give it a go

28 New year anxiety Michelle Elman on rejecting the pressure to reinvent yourself

45 Have you got social jet lag? How changing up your routine can have knock-on effects (and how to avoid them)

55 Incredible accessibility... To inspire a better future

83 Explore the art of gratitude With this month’s journaling pages

Wellbeing 18 What triggers eco-anxiety? How to handle eco-anxiety when you love being outdoors

26 Putting pen to paper Tips for finding the words to process difficult emotions

36 Mindful manifestation How to use manifestation in a healthy, responsible way

52 Parenting additional needs What you can do to care of you, while being there for them

61 The aftermath of psychosis

61 Culture

7 Good news

Staying safe and taking care of yourself

11 The wellbeing wrap

80 The cost of living

35 This month’s must-reads

Is it forcing you to rethink your housing situation?

50 It’s time to try something new

Positive pointers

Try this at home

15 Stuck in a perfectionist trap?

34 What depression really is

Here’s how to break free

58 Talkin’ about money

Tips for tackling the conversation

65 Try this month’s puzzle

66 Name your emotions

73 Self-care bingo

Our expert explains why you should expand your vocabulary

69 Putting it kindly How to give constructive criticism

78 Tune-in to your senses Unlock a new level of wellbeing

Relationships 20 Drawing the line How to balance giving advice to loved ones with taking care of yourself

31 Stuck in a ‘situationship’? It may not be such a bad thing

39 Dealing with space invaders 40 Let’s talk about sex Our expert shares their advice

42 ADHD and friendships Tips for understanding your friend with ADHD

64 The truth about our energy

Food & health 48 Soup for the soul A protein packed recipe for the winter

75 The plant-based know-how Five things that you should know before going plant-based

* Expert review

Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively. Writing about our experiences is a powerful form of reflective expression that can unburden us and increase self-awareness. Katie Conibear’s courageous exploration of their journey with psychosis on p61 is a great example of this. Curious to give it a go? Discover where to begin with writing about difficult experiences on p26, and then use the journaling pages at the end of this issue to connect with your inner world. HANNAH BECKETT-PRATT FdA BSc (Hons) PGCert MBACP UKCP

Hannah is a transactional analysis and trainee psychodynamic psychotherapist.

Happiful Community Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

JENNY WARWICK

ELIZABETH DUNNE

JOSEPHINE BURKE

PGDip BACP

MA DSFH

BA (Hons) MA PGDip BAAT

Jenny is a counsellor specialising in relationships and family issues.

Elizabeth is a solutionfocused hypnotherapist and psychotherapist.

Josephine is a psychotherapist specialising in trauma and relationships.

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product & Marketing Charlotte Noel | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator

COMMUNICATIONS Alice Greedus | PR Manager Emily Whitton | Marketing Coordinator

CONTRIBUTORS Victoria Stokes, Fiona Fletcher Reid, Adrianne Webster, Caroline Butterwick, Kerry Law, Matthew Ferguson, Jenna Farmer, Jenny Oldaker, Katie Conibear, Elizabeth Dunne, Laura Turner

BETH ROBERTS

ROXANNE BLACK

JACQUELINE JONES

BA (Hons) DipCouns. MBACP (Accred)

PGDip MBACP

BA (Hons) MA PGDip RegCOSRT NCIP

Beth is a integrative therapeutic counsellor working with women who have experienced trauma.

Roxanne is an integrative counsellor and psychotherapist.

Jacqueline is a psychosexual and relationship therapist, and PhD sexuality scholar.

SPECIAL THANKS Beth Roberts, Jacqueline Jones, Dr Jana Jenkins, Jenny Warwick, Roxanne Black

MANAGEMENT Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma Hursey | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

SUBSCRIPTIONS For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

DR JANA JENKINS

MATTHEW FERGUSON

BSc CPsychol AdvDipCoach

BSc (Hons) MSc

Dr Jana is a clinical and coaching psychologist specialising in adult mental health.

Matthew is a personal nutrition consultant interested in vegetarian and vegan health.

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CONTACT Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building B, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY

Join the Happiful Expert Panel Are you a wellbeing expert with valuable insight to share? Happiful professional membership includes opportunities to be featured in our award-winning magazine. Discover how to join by emailing us at professionals@happiful.com

Helping you find the help you need. Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

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The Uplift SLEEP

Snoozing your alarm won’t leave you feeling dozy after all We’ve always been told that hitting the snooze button has negative consequences on the quality of our slumber and cognitive function, but according to a new study published in the Journal of Sleep Research, this may not be the case. If you’re reading this as an avid snoozer, you’re not alone. In fact, the study behind the claim surveyed 1,732 people about their sleeping habits, and found that nearly 70% of people snooze their alarm each morning. To delve deeper into the effects that might come from doing this, researchers monitored 31 snoozers on their ability to complete cognitive tasks under two conditions: one where they were allowed to snooze every 10 minutes for up to half an hour; and another where they had to

jump out of bed as soon as the alarm went off. It was found that those who were allowed to hit the snooze button performed slightly better on some of the cognitive tasks compared with when they had to wake up right away, suggesting that snoozing does not necessarily affect our cognitive function. Not only

that, but their sleeping quality wasn’t significantly worse as a result of this. The experts involved in the study believe that snoozing may actually help to alleviate the effects of sleep inertia – the groggy feeling you have when you first wake up – without significantly impacting your sleep. Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird happiful.com | Issue 81 | 7

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HEALTH

NHS Scotland unveils policy for menopause and menstrual health Following recommendations from one of the first studies in the world to look at both menstrual health and menopause in the workplace, a new NHS Scotland policy, aiming to create a supportive environment for all, has been announced. The study, carried out by Professor Kathleen Riach from the University of Glasgow Adam Smith Business School, looked at more than 6,000 NHS employees, to understand their menopause and menstrual health needs. Results showed that most employees continued to work without disruptions. However, for those who do struggle, cultural, structural, or institutional conditions can make those experiences worse. In fact, 40% said that they had had an embarrassing or stigmatising experience surrounding menstruation or menopause in the workplace – highlighting how vital tackling bias and stereotypes is. Following these findings, NHS Scotland announced the new Menopause and Menstrual Health Workplace policy, which will ensure employees are valued and supported, no matter their age or what stage they are in their reproductive lives. Considering this announcement, Jennie Minto, Minister for Women’s Health, said: “This is a positive example of an employer taking proactive steps to reduce barriers to women’s health in the workplace, and we hope it promotes equivalent efforts across the public, private, and third sectors.” Writing | Kathryn Wheeler happiful.com | Issue 81 | 9

FOOD

Study links wellbeing to enjoying a varied diet Food is an integral part of our lives. And while we know that the food choices we make help us to stay nourished and keep us active during the day, new findings published in the Recipes for Wellbeing Report are shining a light on the profound link between food and wellbeing that goes far beyond just the nutritional value. Across the globe, 1,000 people in 142 countries were asked about the satisfaction of the food they had consumed within the past seven days, including whether

the food they ate was healthy, and whether they had choices in the types of food they ate. Interestingly, it was found that people from Puerto Rico, Greece, and Norway had the highest scores in food enjoyment. Could it be that they have some culinary secrets up their sleeves that we could benefit from? Well, when looking into whether the enjoyment of their food had an effect on wellbeing, those who enjoyed their food were 1.29 times more likely to be thriving compared with those

who weren’t satisfied with their food. Meanwhile, those who had more choice in the food they consumed were 1.45 times more likely to have higher wellbeing. Relationships with food can be complex things, but knowing this link exists globally, could encourage us to embark on a journey that cultivates a healthier relationship with food, allowing us to make better dietary choices, and be more mindful of our eating habits. Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

WELLBEING

Hospital’s music room hits all the right notes Back in 2014, something special happened in the Teenage and Young Adult (TYA) unit at The Christie Hospital, a specialist cancer centre in Manchester. Following fundraising by former patient, Tom Buckley, who died age 24 in May 2009, a music room was opened and offered to patients as part of the TYA service. Now, the Christie music room has reopened its doors after being refurbished, boasting a collection of guitars, keyboards, and other instruments – along with mixing desks and recording equipment – all set within an environment that offers patients a refuge during their treatment journey. 10 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

Patients are able to access the room at any time, and there is an emphasis on no prior musical expertise needed in order to explore their creativity. Family, friends, and caregivers are also encouraged to participate, and music sessions are held twice a week – the idea being that this time creates a sense of togetherness, and shared healing. Mark Bradbury, AKA Rudosa, is a renowned DJ and producer who leads some of the sessions, and has seen first-hand the impact this space has had. “We believe in the power of music, and the new space will provide a cool and relaxed environment for people

who are having treatment,” says Mark. “Whether it’s compiling a mix with their favourite tunes, or sitting down to create beats in the state-of-the-art production suite, we believe we have taken the space into the modern era where there is something for everyone.” In hard times, music can be a positive force. And this space is putting that on the record. Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

The

wellbeing wrap

ON TOP OF THE WORLD

French scientists have engineered a houseplant, the Neo P1, that can remove 30 times more indoor air pollutants than traditional plants

Luke Mortimer, a 10-year-old quadruple amputee, is flying high after scaling 656ft to reach the peak of Embsay Crag in North Yorkshire, and raising £22,000 for charity so far! The extraordinary youngster is supporting LimbPower and Children in Need, to help other disabled children, and you can donate to his cause by visiting justgiving.com/ crowdfunding/adam-mortimer-4

A bug’s life

Tinder has introduced a ‘matchmaker’ feature, allowing friends and family to help you find ‘the one’

US rapper 50 Cent has sponsored an under-14 girls’ football team from Cardiff

Brazilian scientists are developing a world-first vaccine to help break the cycle of cocaine addiction

‘Modified’ mosquitoes, which carry a bacteria called Wolbachia that helps prevent them from transmitting viruses, have been introduced in Colombia. The result? In areas where these insects are thriving, the rate of dengue has dropped 94– 97%! Behind this revelation is the non-profit World Mosquito Program, which has run similar experiments in Australia, Indonesia, and Vietnam, and hopes to roll it out to more places in the coming years. It plans to build a factory in Brazil to scale up production of these modified insects, causing quite a buzz for the future potential. A hearty chuckle might do exactly what it says on the tin! A new study, led by Professor Marco Saffi from the Hospital de Clínicas de Porto Alegre, in Brazil, revealed that laughter can cause the tissue around our hearts to expand, increasing oxygen flow around the body. Essentially, laughter really could be the best medicine for improving cardiovascular health.

A flexible approach to treatment could be the way forward, as a new study has revealed that hot yoga could reduce symptoms of depression by more than 50%! The research from Harvard Medical School’s Massachusetts General Hospital saw participants with moderate to severe depression take part in an average of 10 90-minute hot yoga sessions, over a course of eight weeks, and found that 44% were considered to be in remission by the end of the period. While there’s no one-size-fits-all solution to mental health concerns, reconnecting with your body through yoga could be a hot lead to try.

SOAK IT IN

A place to call home

The benefits of a good A Canadian millionaire is bath are renowned, but investing $4 million of his now researchers from own money, along with Kyushu University, in securing a $12 million grant Japan, have revealed the from the government, to optimum time to spend create a gated community for in the tub. Apparently, 15 homeless people in his minutes soaking in hot own town. Marcel LeBrun’s water before bed can ‘12 Neighbours’ project will help you drift off quicker, feature 99 ‘tiny homes’, which and also means you’re each come with rooftop less likely to wake during solar panels, and space the night. Sounds like inside for a bed, kitchen, the perfect excuse to and bathroom. But beyond slip into some soothing housing, the project looks water, and bring on the to build a community in bubbles! Fredericton, New Brunswick, with opportunities for work in a community centre and cafe, Times might be tough, run by residents, along with but generous spirits remain, as highlighted other businesses. by a ‘Shaun the Sheep’ auction, which raised THE CUP CODE £195,400 for charity. Your go-to coffee order Handpainted sculptures might be spilling the beans on of the iconic character your personality. A poll of 2,000 from Aardman’s Brits, by Dunkin’ Donuts UK, found Wallace and Gromit flavoured coffee drinkers consider formed an art trail themselves happy (44%), latte lovers can around Newcastle be people-pleasers (26%), and Americano landmarks prior to adorers are comfortable in their own skin being auctioned off, with the proceeds (42%). A flat white suggests you’re going towards the local trustworthy (62%), and iced coffee St Oswald’s Hospice. drinkers believe they’re the

best lovers (24%).

What are

glimmers?

How to seek out, and treasure, the awe-inspiring, comforting, and heart-warming ‘glimmers’ of good in every day Writing | Victoria Stokes

magine this: it’s been a tough day. A really tough day, actually. So, you decide to take a walk. On your way, you choose a different path than usual, and stumble upon the most beautiful babbling brook. The last of the day’s sunlight filters through the trees, and glints on the surface of the water. Almost immediately your shoulders loosen, your breath slows, and you’re filled with an all-consuming sense of awe. In just a few seconds you’ve gone from worried, stressed, and tense, to optimistic, hopeful, and calm. All it took was a tiny moment of beauty to give you that comforting feeling that it will all be OK. This is known as a ‘glimmer’. Never heard of it? Think of a glimmer as the opposite of a trigger. It’s a tiny moment of awe that sparks joy and evokes inner calm – and they come in all shapes and sizes. You might experience them when lost in the pages of a good book, sharing an intimate moment with a loved one, or taking in a beautiful sunset.

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Online, the hashtag #Glimmers is taking off, with thousands of people sharing the small daily moments that bring them joy. Consider that a real testament to the mental health benefits glimmers have to offer. In fact, when it comes to managing stress and navigating adversity, you shouldn’t underestimate their power. Dipti Tait, a solutions-focused hypnotherapist, describes glimmers as small, fleeting moments of positivity, joy, or contentment, that can be found in everyday life. She says these beautiful moments are often subtle and easily overlooked, but though they may be small, they are mighty, holding the potential to lift our spirits, and improve our mental wellbeing. “When we focus on these positive moments, our brains release neurotransmitters that counteract stress hormones like cortisol, promoting relaxation and a sense of wellbeing,” Dipti explains. “Regular exposure to glimmers can lead to reduced anxiety, improved resilience, and enhanced emotional regulation.”

Over time, this can redirect our thoughts towards positive experiences. It counteracts our in-built negativity bias, which is our tendency to pay more attention to negative events and experiences. “Glimmers counteract this bias by redirecting our focus toward positive aspects of life. By actively seeking and acknowledging glimmers, we can gradually retrain our brains to mitigate the effects of negativity bias, and promote a more positive outlook,” Dipti says. What about when you’re really struggling? During challenging times, Dipti says glimmers can serve as “beacons of hope and respite” by providing a “reprieve from the intensity of difficult emotions”. They won’t make your problems go away, but they could provide a much-needed feeling of ‘everything’s going to be alright’, and put you in a better mindset for problem-solving. Psychologist and counsellor Linzi Kavanagh sums it up. She says, “Although glimmers are often fleeting, when >>>

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They provide evidence that, even in the bad times, there is always good compounded, they can really shape our mindset in a gentle, supportive way – and they help build our capacity for managing triggers, too. “They don’t — and shouldn’t — cancel out all the bad, or create a false reality,” Linzi adds. “Rather, they provide evidence that, even in the bad times, there is always good.” Linzi says this can make the bad more manageable, as these moments of pure joy remind you that better times and days are possible.

Noticing glimmers

Glimmers remind you that, as a human being, you experience a full spectrum of emotions – and even in moments of profound stress, anger, grief or sorrow, you still have access to feelings of contentment, happiness, peace, and calm. So, now that you know glimmers can powerfully affect the way you think and feel, even in times of real struggle, you might be wondering how to seek them out. 14 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

First things first, glimmers are often unexpected. They aren’t something you can necessarily ‘plan’ for, but you can get better at acknowledging them, and soaking them in. “My advice would be to start small. Aim to notice one glimmer per day, but do this consistently,” Linzi advises. “Very quickly you will begin to notice more and more, because it’s a bit like building a muscle. The more often you do it, the easier it gets!” The trick is to be proactive in finding these moments of joy. “If being around certain people gives you glimmers, make a point of meeting up with them on a regular basis. If sunsets give you glimmers, maybe you could take an evening walk a few times a week to catch them,” Linzi suggests. The great news is, you won’t have to make massive tweaks to your routine, because when you look around a little, you’ll find that glimmers are already there. Linzi says you’ll become adept at finding joy in the mundane, and maximising the present moment.

“Romanticise your life a little,” she suggests. “For example, instead of chucking your afternoon coffee into this morning’s dirty cup, use your favourite mug, light a candle, put on some music, and really be in the moment of enjoying that coffee.” Maybe, when it comes to glimmers, you need a little more inspiration, and are uncertain about what you’re supposed to be looking for. Beauty is subjective, and what sparks joy for one person might not for another. However, Linzi says some of her personal favourite glimmers include hearing one of her favourite songs come on the radio, laughing with someone and feeling like they just ‘get you’, and the smell of freshly cut grass taking her right back to her childhood. What brings you joy could be completely different. A child’s laugh, a beautiful view… the ‘what’ doesn’t really matter. The thing that really counts is knowing that even when life feels ugly, messy, and dark, there’s still beauty and joy to be found.

positive pointers

THE PERFECTIONIST TRAP Uncovering the pitfalls of perfectionism, and why it’s seen a ‘substantial rise’ in recent years, plus six supportive hacks to lessen its impact Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

ost people want to do well in life. Whether that’s making a beautiful home, getting a promotion, or having joyful relationships. But what happens when you set the bar so high that nothing ever meets your impossible standards? When it comes to perfectionism, the outcome can often be anxiety, self-doubt, low self-esteem, and even depression. A study of more than 40,000 British, US, and Canadian university students spanning 28 years, published in Psychological Bulletin, shows that perfectionism has seen a ‘substantial rise’, believed to be due to the highlight-reel nature of social media, and the globalisation of, well, everything. In the past, we were only ever judged by those in our immediate, geographically local circle. But with increasing trade, jobs, and travel opportunities across the world,

we have become more connected with the global population. This has exposed us to higher standards of perfection on a worldwide scale, as we compare ourselves to ideals that we didn’t have access to before.

ideal, they see it as a reflection of who they are as a person. So instead of celebrating when they win second place, or receive a 98% pass mark, they mentally punish themselves for not being the best. >>>

WHAT IS PERFECTIONISM? If you have perfectionism as a personality trait, you tend to pursue flawlessness and refuse to accept anything less. You may believe that perfectionism is a good thing, one that has served you well, and led to certain achievements in life, but research shows that performance and perfectionism are not related. In fact, perfectionism tendencies can indirectly impact performance in the long-term, because of the detrimental effect on your mental and physical health, as reported by D Harari et al in the Journal of Applied Psychology. The problem is that when perfectionists don’t reach their

SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE A PERFECTIONIST Do the following statements ring true for you? • I set extremely high standards for myself. • Failure is not an option for me. • I am highly aware of my own shortcomings. • If I can’t do it perfectly, I don’t want to do it at all. • People say I spend too much time focused on small details. • I struggle to hand tasks over to others. • I only feel validated when others tell me I am ‘good’.

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WHAT CAUSES PERFECTIONISM? There isn’t one root cause of perfectionism, and it can be a combination of external factors (e.g. society, culture, childhood experiences, or parental expectations), and internal factors (e.g. craving control, low self-esteem, fear, or comparison). With a broadened awareness of how perfectionism shows up in your life, you can work towards a healthy balance of striving for excellence and coping with failure. KEEP A THOUGHT DIARY Try keeping a journal where you note down any time you feel perfectionist tendencies creeping in. There’s no need to change behaviours at this point, just simply write down anything you consider noteworthy. For example, does it show up mostly at work? Or in your role as a parent? Perhaps some triggers make things worse, such as lack of sleep, conflict with your partner, or a busy schedule. Doing this regularly will help you see patterns, and pinpoint any lifestyle changes that may help. EXPERIMENT WITH DELEGATING If you need perfect results, can you admit that you may not have the skills required to achieve them? For example, if you want 16 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

positive pointers

your relationship to be perfect, can you honestly navigate that on your own? It’s OK to seek selfimprovement, and then look for support in the form of a couples therapist to help you on your journey. Try delegating some minor tasks to colleagues, family members, or hired professionals, and see how it feels. Start small, perhaps hire a window cleaner or ask the intern to proofread your presentation. Treat it as an experiment in learning to accept the way that others do things. It might be helpful to record your thoughts in your journal, and watch as they develop over time, aiming to create space for the difficult emotions that come up as you explore delegating. WATCH THE CLOCK One of the things that contributes to the harmful side of perfectionism is pushing yourself to the limits by working relentlessly without taking breaks. “Try setting yourself specific timeframes for individual tasks,” says counsellor Georgina Sturmer. “When it’s done, it’s done, and see how it feels to live with the consequences.” This might feel hard at first, so try to actively choose to be compassionate to yourself through kind self-talk, either internally, out loud, or in your journal.

PRACTISE ACCEPTANCE AND CHANGE When you put all your selfworth in one area of your life, it means that when things don’t go to plan, your whole sense of self begins to crumble. Instead of striving for perfection in one area, accept that you’re doing your best, and regularly shift your focus to an area of life where you naturally feel at ease. This could be switching from work mode to doing something you enjoy simply for the process, such as swimming, painting, or reading. SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES If perfectionism at work is seeping into your home life, it can be hard to relax and get the rest you need to perform at your best. Consider setting a clear cut-off time, and ask friends and family to hold you accountable if they see you working outside of those parameters. A conversation with your employer may help to assert your need for boundaries around emails and phone calls outside of normal working hours. EXPLORE THE ROOT CAUSE Our craving for perfectionism is driven by core beliefs, often that we are unworthy, broken, or at risk of being abandoned unless we meet our self-imposed standards. These beliefs are so deeply ingrained that you may not even be conscious of them,

or how they dictate your thoughts and behaviours. Georgina says: “Perfectionism is often rooted in the messages that we received in childhood, particularly if perfectionism and achievement were how we elicited the attention and affection of those around us.” Listen to the thoughts that appear when you are feeling a heightened pressure to be perfect. Follow the thought as deeply as you can, e.g. ‘This report has to be perfect otherwise I am a bad employee, and if I’m not good at my job I am worthless.’ “It’s important to explore the root causes of perfectionism so that we can look in-depth at our core beliefs about ourselves,” Georgina says. “How were these formed, and are they still valid, or can we consider challenging them?” Working with a therapist to explore and challenge these core beliefs will allow you to make lasting changes in your life. Breaking free from perfectionism isn’t easy, but it will lead you to feel more comfortable in your own skin, confident in your abilities, and more compassion for your human, imperfect self. Fiona Fletcher Reid is a freelance writer and author, whose book, ‘Work It Out’ is available now (Welbeck Balance, £9.99). Visit fionalikestoblog.com for more. happiful.com | Issue 81 | 17

Crimes against nature The benefits of spending time in nature are widely acknowledged. So, what happens when engaging in those very activities triggers your eco-anxiety? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

n 2022, data presented to the high court showed that water companies discharged raw sewage into rivers and seas more than 300,000 times. The vast majority of these instances were illegal and, in a separate hearing, Thames Water was fined £3.34m for sewage dumping. The same year, Outdoor Swimmer published a report that found that participation in outdoor swimming in the UK had increased up to threefold since 2019 – with 69.4% of survey participants reporting that outdoor swimming is essential, or very important, to their mental health. We’re living in a time when these two conflicting elements are coming to a head: our interest in nature-based wellbeing activities is peaking at the same time as devastating findings about natural decline. And it’s not just open water swimming that’s affected. Dangerous air pollution levels can cloud wellbeing walks. Bird watchers may note the decline in UK populations. And gardeners might struggle against an increasingly unpredictable climate.

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It’s a lot to contend with. But, as ecotherapist Josephine Burke explains, nurturing our connection to the world around us could be the very thing that helps us to soothe feelings of eco-anxiety. “We can often feel disconnected from ourselves (our minds and bodies) or with the world around us. Ecotherapists such as George Marshall and MaryJane Rust describe this as a ‘dissociative stance’ that is perhaps a coping mechanism – a way of managing the enormity of the climate crisis,” Josephine explains. “However, it can result in some difficulties such as anxiety, depression, relationship conflicts, and destructive behaviours like addictions.” The idea of ecotherapy is to counter this through seeing ourselves as part of the world around us, resulting in an enhanced sense of self. “This connection and feeling of belonging is vital to help us to feel whole and integrated,” Josephine adds. Take mindful gardening as one example of this. Yes, as a gardener, you will see first-hand

how the blurring of seasons and unpredictable weather is taking effect – you may lose plants to wet weather, others to drought, and notice how blooming seasons differ from year to year. But you will also be in tune with the changing of the seasons, taking cues from how your plants react to the subtle transitions you may not have otherwise noticed. It creates that sense of connection and belonging that Josephine mentioned, and with it, hopefully, comes the motivation to take meaningful action. For her, ecotherapy is the ideal tool for tackling eco-anxiety in a practical and impactful way. “Eco-anxiety can be overwhelming, because we can be flooded by the need for action while experiencing feelings of despair,” she explains. “However, by slowing down our minds with ecotherapy, we can come back to our individual identities – discovering what we love, enjoy and feel inspired by. This can allow us to start to think about where we can make changes, and what agency we have within our own environment in order to

wellbeing

Josephine Burke is an art psychotherapist, ecotherapist, clinical supervisor, and parenting consultant with a specialism in trauma and relationships. Find out more on the Counselling Directory.

move from feelings of despair to active hope.” With that fresh energy, you can write letters to your MP and local councillors (visit writetothem. com), join local environmental volunteer groups, get involved with initiatives on your doorstep and further afield, as well as making changes in your own life – and encouraging those around you to follow suit. And, all the while, you can continue to explore

nature-based wellness activities in safe, responsible, uplifting, comforting, and empowering ways – creating a self-sustaining circle for self-compassion alongside care for the world around you. And when it comes to trying ecotherapy, or other nature-based wellbeing practices, if you find yourself feeling distressed by certain activities, know that there are many different ways that you can engage.

“We can spend just 10 minutes a day taking care of and connecting with our pets and animals, the weather, or the natural world (inside or outside the home),” offers Josephine. “These aspects of the natural world flourish and change, and noticing this has often been described as ‘gentle observation’. Ecotherapy allows us to move away from the idea that we are in nature, but that we are part of nature.” The headlines are rarely encouraging, but there is so much value to be found in continuing to nurture our connection with the world around us. And, by doing so, we may just be able to heal ourselves, and the planet, while we’re at it. happiful.com | Issue 81 | 19

Are you playing the role of a therapist? It’s natural to want to be there for your loved ones, but where should you draw the line? Here are four ways to set boundaries… Writing | Adrianne Webster

ave you ever been stuck between friends, a couple, or your own parents, playing the role of the therapist while each side rants about the other? Or even just had that one friend who traumadumps on you every time you go out for coffee? In today’s fast-paced world, lots of us find solace in sharing our problems with others. And, while being there for loved ones is important, there’s a fine line between offering support, and assuming the role of an unofficial therapist. It can be mentally and emotionally draining to become a sounding board, and even worse if you can’t speak up and ask them to stop. And when you’re mediating a tense issue between people you’re close to, things can often get ugly, with people wanting you to take sides, which can ruin relationships. People feeling like they can open up to you is a compliment; it shows you’re trustworthy, an active listener, and kind. But sometimes even our closest loved ones can push the boundaries

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of what’s appropriate, and not consider our feelings. Dr Elena Touroni, consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic, shares some ways you can advocate for yourself in the kindest way possible…

Tune-in to your feelings

Boundaries are essential guidelines that define what is acceptable and respectful in a relationship. When someone starts treating you like a therapist, they often unload their emotional baggage on to you without considering your own capacity to handle it. Recognising the importance of boundaries is crucial to maintaining healthy connections. “Notice times when you feel stressed, angry, or frustrated after speaking to someone. These are often red flags that you need to set a boundary,” explains Dr Touroni. If you’re often coming away from interactions feeling more stressed and frustrated than you went in, then it could be time to consider how much you let yourself be a sounding board.

Be clear and direct about what you want

It can be hard to be direct with people; we often worry about being too harsh, but it’s important to be firm, yet friendly, when expressing how you feel. Open and honest communication is key when setting boundaries with individuals who treat you like a therapist. “Be direct and clear in your communication, while also respecting and validating their feelings,” recommends Dr Touroni. “For example, you could say something like, ‘It makes sense that you feel that way. I want to be there for you, but to be honest, I just don’t have the emotional capacity right now.’” Using ‘I feel’ or ‘I think’ instead of ‘You do this/that’ statements can help to convey your emotions, without sounding accusatory.

Encourage them to get professional help

When people rely on you as a therapist, it’s important to help them explore other avenues of support. Suggest professional therapists or counsellors who

Boundaries are essential guidelines that define what is acceptable

can provide the specialised help they may need, and encourage them to join support groups or seek out online communities where they can connect with others facing similar challenges. By offering alternative solutions, you empower them to find appropriate resources, while reducing the burden on yourself. Dr Touroni agrees: “Encourage them to seek therapy. Finding

them the right support is the best thing you can do. Therapists are trained to help people work through these kinds of emotions and experiences, in a way that friends are not.”

Know your limits

Setting boundaries is an ongoing process. It’s crucial to consistently reinforce these limits in your relationships. Be firm but

compassionate, reminding others of the boundaries you’ve established. Additionally, prioritise self-care to maintain your own emotional wellbeing. And remember, taking care of yourself enables you to continue being a supportive presence in the lives of others. Make sure you’re engaging in activities that replenish your energy and allow you to disconnect from the emotional weight of others’ problems. Setting boundaries when people treat you like a therapist is a necessary step in maintaining healthy relationships. By recognising your limits, communicating effectively, suggesting alternative solutions, and prioritising self-care, you can strike a balance between supporting others, and protecting your own wellbeing. Remember, boundaries promote healthier connections and ensure that you can be there for others, while also taking care of yourself. happiful.com | Issue 81 | 21

Take it easy ‘Slow living’ is having a moment. Here’s how to embrace it for improved mental health Writing | Victoria Stokes

ere’s a question: do you spend most of your day rushing around, hastily jumping from one task to another with barely a second to catch your breath in between? Ever noticed you feel tetchy, irritable, and tired at the end of yet another busy day? Maybe you even feel anxious, overwhelmed and depressed. If the answer to the above is a resounding ‘Yes’, it sounds like you’re living life in the fast lane, and it might be time to slow things down. Enter: slow living, a wellbeing trend that’s doing the rounds on social media, and may

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just give you the respite you so sorely need. Rather than trying to cram as many tasks into your day as possible, slow living is all about creating a more balanced and meaningful life. It’s about savouring each moment, instead of rushing it. That might mean taking an extra five minutes in bed in the morning to just breathe, or squeezing in an extra break at your desk to stretch before diving head-first into the next item on your to-do list. Online, people are finding novel ways to embrace slow living, like growing their own food and going off-grid by ditching their

smartphones for the weekend. Adjacent trends, like ‘niksen’, the Dutch art of doing nothing, have grown in popularity too, with many people finding time to daydream or sit in silence for the benefit of their mental health. A white paper by the Boston Charter Research Collaborative revealed that slowing down can lessen symptoms of anxiety and depression, promote clearer thinking, and improve productivity, but here’s the thing: in our always-on world, taking a breather can be tricky. You might worry that moving at anything other than a sprint may leave you vulnerable to falling >>>

behind. Perhaps you fear that others will call you lazy, or that your inner critic will chide you for your lack of get-up-and-go. With so much of our time focused on the pursuit of productivity, it’s hard not to feel guilty when you take a moment to just ‘be’. So, with so many competing commitments pulling your attention this way and that, how can you learn to live life at a much gentler pace? And how could it benefit your mental health when you do?

Learning to slow down

Job number one, according to psychotherapist and founder of CYP Wellbeing Rachel Vora? Getting out of the habit of ‘busyness’, a task that is so often easier said than done. “Today’s society places a high value on ‘busyness’ as a sign of success and accomplishment, and rest and relaxation are often seen as rewards for working hard, rather than an equally valuable, essential, and significant part of our day,” Rachel points out. Whether it’s joining the ‘5am club’ so you can get more done, or working a side hustle to achieve your goals, Rachel 24 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

says this mentality can take its toll on your mental health, compounding feelings of stress and overwhelm, and encouraging you to do more and more. “Never making time to rest can lead to poor sleep, self-neglect, feelings of loneliness and isolation, and developing poor habits such as relying on drugs or alcohol,” she notes. “If we do not make time to slow down, this inevitably leads to burnout.” On the flip side, taking a slower pace empowers you to better manage stress, improves your mood, and, perhaps ironically, may even make you more productive in the long run. “Research suggests that consistently ‘doing nothing’ can make you more selfcompassionate, too,” Rachel adds. She’s right. See, after you recognise that slowing down equips you to manage the demands of your day-to-day, it acts as a kind of permission slip: it’s a reminder that recharging your batteries isn’t an indulgence, but a necessity. So what should you do if your life is currently all go, go, go? Rachel recommends making small but consistent changes to your routine first. This might

mean saying no to an activity that doesn’t light you up the way it used to, or setting clear boundaries with people who are constantly demanding more and more of your time. Take an in-depth and honest review of how you’re spending your time, consider where you can work rest and relaxation into your schedule, and remind yourself it’s simply impossible to do it all. Once you’ve reworked your weekly routine, it’s time to build pockets of presence into your day. Think of these as mindful moments that can be used to breathe deeply, reflect, or simply sit in silence. You might find that this feels a little uncomfortable at first. “Notice what feelings arise when you do absolutely nothing,” Rachel advises. “Often, feelings of guilt can rear their head and it’s important to process these feelings, rather than trying to avoid them or distract yourself,” she explains. Now you’ve learned to tame that niggling voice of guilt, Rachel says it’s time to shake off the urge to multitask – a sure sign that you’re rushing to get things done. With so much piled on to our plates these days, it can be

start the year strong

Remind yourself it’s simply impossible to do it all tempting to try to do it all at once, but 2022 research published in Health Psychology Review links single-tasking with lower levels of stress. Having trouble maintaining your focus on the task at hand? It’s a good idea to remove potential distractions. Consider putting your smartphone away in a drawer until you’re finished, or blocking out noise with noisecancelling headphones. Finally? Work joyful activities into your day, and figure out how you can enjoy these more mindfully. It could be making a cup of tea and really savouring the process, or gardening and really feeling the soil between your fingers. In a world that is forever on the go, slowing down can seem like a novel and revolutionary concept, but life can be so much more vibrant, fulfilling, and rewarding when you learn to stop and take it all in. After all, what’s the rush? happiful.com | Issue 81 | 25

WRITING ABOUT DIFFICULT EXPERIENCES Discover the power of putting your feelings on the page, along with advice to help you find the words Writing | Caroline Butterwick

ave you ever penned a poem or scribbled a short story inspired by something hard you’ve been through? Maybe you’ve written a personal essay exploring your emotions, or found solace in the pages of your journal. As a writer, difficult times regularly inspire me. Sometimes, I’m drawn to write articles that take my experiences of illness and disability to help others and to give a voice to things that aren’t always spoken about. Other times, it’s jotting down my thoughts into poetry that I will likely never share, but gives me the space to reflect and pour out my feelings onto the page.

THE POWER OF WRITING

“Writing about our difficult experiences can help us to understand and process them,” counsellor Beth Roberts tells me. “It’s very difficult to get complete closure in this complicated life, but writing does offer a greater opportunity for some closure, and to be able to carry on after difficult experiences without such a heavy burden. 26 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

“It can help us to self-validate what we felt or are feeling. It can be a huge relief to be able to say: ‘After what happened, I understand why I feel the way I do.’ It can help us to see things from a different perspective, or recognise growth that’s arisen from a situation. Writing down our thoughts and feelings is practice for talking to others about the difficult experience, so it can help enable connection and support.” Researcher Suzette Henke came up with the term ‘scriptotherapy’ to describe how writing about difficult experiences gives people a sense of authorship over what’s happened to them. When I think about being unwell, I think of how scary it was to feel that way, and also to have a lack of control over my own life. Being able to write about it gives me a sense of ownership – it is my narrative.

DIFFERENT FORMS OF WRITING

Nonfiction, such as personal essays, memoirs, or articles, is an obvious choice as a medium for writing about challenging times. It’s a space to write truthfully about

what you’ve been through, to break taboos, or to tell your side of the story. This kind of writing is also powerful for readers. It’s those moments where we see something of ourselves reflected in another’s words – those “Yes, I feel that way too!” sparks of connection that make us feel less alone. Nonfiction writing can bring its own challenges, though. You may find it too exposing to write openly like this, or worry about what others will think. Poetry, songs, and short stories are another great outlet. You can still use your difficult experience as inspiration, but it’s easier to fictionalise aspects, or to only use certain elements of what you’ve been through. You don’t even have to share that you’re writing from a personal perspective. You can, if you want, let your readers or audience know that your writing is about something real. I recently went to a poetry night where a poet shared her work about surviving trauma. It was incredibly powerful – the room was silent as she delivered her words, and I felt moved close to tears by her poetry.

NEW! CREATIVE CORNER

Beth Roberts is an integrative counsellor, committed to helping people on their healing path. Get in touch via the Counselling Directory.

Of course, you may want to use writing very much as a reflective space for yourself. This is where techniques like journaling come in, as you can write with full honesty and explore your thoughts with no pressure.

HOW TO GET STARTED

Whether you already see yourself as a writer, or are new to it, it’s normal to feel intimidated by the blank page, especially when dealing with difficult topics. Beth recommends the following prompts: • How did I feel then? • How do I feel now? • How have I changed as a result? • What was most difficult about the situation? • What have I learned?

WHAT DO I NEED NOW?

“If you find it difficult to describe how you felt or feel, you can try writing in metaphors or similes. This can be a short-cut way to describe things, and it can be helpful and healing,” Beth says. If you’re writing with the hope of sharing your work, it can help to think about what you want your reader to take away from it. Will they learn something, feel less alone, or understand a different perspective, for example? Don’t worry about spelling or grammar as you write – you can always go back and edit your work later.

LOOKING AFTER YOURSELF

It’s important to look after your wellbeing when writing about difficult experiences. “Don’t spend

too long writing about the very difficult parts,” advises Beth. “You could set a timer for 30 minutes or an hour, whatever seems right to you. Stop if you need to.” She also recommends having things like a comforting drink with you, and to plan something relaxing or fun to do afterwards. If I know I’m going to be writing about something upsetting, I make sure to have something enjoyable lined up, like dinner with friends or going for a walk. Writing is an incredibly powerful way to explore difficult times. When you feel ready, try sitting with a notebook and pen, or at your laptop, somewhere you feel safe and relaxed, and let the words flow. happiful.com | Issue 81 | 27

How to handle ‘new year anxiety’ Why it might be time to reject the idea of a ‘New year reinvention’, and instead embrace simply taking a step in the right direction Writing | Michelle Elman

ithout fail, as the year draws to a close, there is so much pressure put on us to reinvent ourselves. The expectation that we have to make the coming year (and ourselves) better than the last, coupled with the fear of falling short, can lead to what’s commonly referred to as ‘new year anxiety’. As the clock strikes midnight on 31 December, we are meant to enter 2024 as a whole new person, complete with unrealistic resolutions that often set us up for failure within the first week. Shaking up how we approach this season is long overdue; we need to do the new year a little differently, and ease the pressure on ourselves. New Year’s Eve should fill us with excitement, not fear, anxiety, and dread. The first step in achieving this is to let go of all the negativity that was in the past year. It can feel disappointing to look back

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on what’s transpired if you feel like it was a tough 12 months, or life, as it tends to, didn’t go as planned. You are allowed to feel all your feelings around that. In order to go into 2024 with a fresh start, actually give yourself some time to feel anything that you might still be holding on to. When life doesn’t happen on the timeline we would like, or it seems like everything is stacked against us, it’s understandable and human to feel down about it. But avoiding this emotion actually just prolongs it. Emotions are designed to be temporary, but this is only the case if you go through the painful process of feeling them and then healing them. Denying that you have these feelings often compounds the emotion, for example adding guilt to the fact that you feel sad. Once you have found time to feel your feelings, create some space to reflect. Give yourself a chance to celebrate and acknowledge all the good that has

occurred in your year. It’s very easy to think or even say ‘This year has been awful,’ but a lot of the time, we are filtering the year through our current mindset, and by the close of December, most of us are exhausted, which taints our perspective. In order to look at 2023 as a whole, with clarity and a big picture lens, examine all the different areas in your life. Your work life might not have flourished this year, but how about your family or your social life? Ask yourself what were your top five proudest moments. Look at all the things that happened that you wouldn’t have believed would have been possible a year ago. Take a moment to be grateful, and actually be proud of yourself for all that you’ve accomplished, and even if 2023 was a difficult one, take a moment to congratulate yourself on surviving so many challenges. When I do this exercise, I often also find it helpful to go through

@MICHELLELELMAN

Emotions are designed to be temporary, but this is only the case if you go through the painful process of feeling them and then healing them

my diary and calendar to ensure I remember everything. A year is a long time, so when December rolls around, it’s natural to need a little nudge to remember what happened back in January. As you look forward to 2024, in order to do things differently, be careful about the expectations you place on yourself, as sometimes they are unrealistic, and if your goals are unachievable, you could be setting yourself up to fail from the beginning. One of the ways we do this is through the cliché of setting new year’s resolutions. The way we make plans around this is part of the problem, often setting the bar to be a drastic 180 degree

turn on our current behaviour, creating a harsh line between passing and failing. Instead, focus on small increments and know that even a 10% improvement is a move in the right direction. If setting goals is important to you, make them as specific as possible, and ensure multiple check-ins throughout the year to track your progress. We need to remove this idea that you either pass or fail a goal, and instead understand that failure is part of the progress. It isn’t a reason to give up, it’s simply feedback to re-adjust. Personally, I don’t even like to set resolutions. Instead, I pick

a word for the year that I like to focus on, and then I pick another specific word each week. At points this year, my word has been ‘communication’ in order to practise having better connections with others. At other points, my word was ‘fun’, because I was lacking balance. By doing this every week, we take away pressure from this finite point that only happens once a year, and instead allows for every Monday to be a fresh start, and, to a certain extent, every day!

Michelle Elman is an author, TEDx speaker, and five-board accredited life coach. Follow her on Instagram @michellelelman happiful.com | Issue 81 | 29

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it HELEN KELLER

Photograph | Vlad Bagacian

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relationships

HOW TO MAKE A S I T U AT I O N S H I P WORK FOR YOU Why the relationship trend that’s about taking a casual approach to dating could be just what you’re looking for Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

all in love. Get married. Have a family. That’s the relationship roadmap that many of us were given growing up, and finding ‘the one’ is often positioned as the heart of a happy life. And while many people do find joy in traditional, longterm relationships, that level of commitment isn’t necessarily for every romantic relationship you have in your life.

What’s a situationship?

Let’s start by acknowledging that the term ‘situationship’ is just another label that tries to squeeze complex, nuanced, and evolving relationships into a box – and that’s not always helpful. Coined in 2017 by writer Carina Hsieh, the term situationship describes a relationship that involves hooking up with an emotional connection. Think a bit more intense than

friends-with-benefits, but without the labels of something more official. Tinder’s survey of 18 to 25-yearolds shows one in 10 prefer situationships as “a way to develop a relationship with less pressure”, and after witnessing a 49% rise in members adding situationship to their bio from January to October, the app even named it their top trend of the year in 2022. The intentional vagueness of it all can be a little off-putting, but there are plenty of good reasons to reject the stereotypical way of dating. For you, this could be having the freedom to travel for an extended period, choosing to focus on friendships, or working passionately on your side hustle – all without worrying about the impact this might have on your relationship. For someone else, it might be the joy of exploring

their sexuality without the awkwardness of a one-night stand, or a safe way to dip their toe back into the dating pool after years in a serious relationship.

CHALLENGING SOCIETAL NORMS For women, especially, there may be some internalised shame involved as you pursue a relationship rooted in sexual pleasure, or one that isn’t focused on the end goal of marriage or having children. Redefining the infrastructure of your relationships can be empowering, but it can sometimes result in unwelcome comments from friends and family. I spoke to Jay* who explained that they felt pressured to define their relationship after a friend mocked their casual approach to dating. >>> happiful.com | Issue 81 | 31

“My best friend is married with kids, and although I love her to bits, she kind of made me feel bad about my choices. “I know that the healthiest thing for me right now is to take off the pressure of a committed relationship, and just enjoy an emotional connection with a casual vibe. If other people can’t understand that, then there’s likely an element of projecting their own insecurities on to you, as opposed to actually wanting what’s best for you.”

NO PRESSURE “I know situationships get a bad reputation, but if you want intimacy without something serious, and also want more connection than a one-night stand, I’m all for them,” says Kristen* (@datingmyselfinmy40s on TikTok) who recently had a successful situationship after experiencing an emotionally messy divorce. 32 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

“He was a great ‘not boyfriend’, getting me thoughtful gifts every now and again, coming over to do bits of DIY when I needed help, and eventually encouraging me to get back on the apps, and start pursuing something more serious.” For Kristen, it was a no-pressure way to get back into dating, and figure out what she wanted from her love life. “In the end, the physical attraction between us faded, but he’s become a really good friend, and someone I hope will be in my life for a long time to come!”

COMMUNICATION IS KEY So how can you make a situationship work for you?

Unsurprisingly, opening up the conversation is essential. Discuss your expectations, and ask for their perspective. With every relationship, there may be an element of compromise, but you should honour your own emotional needs, too. As long as you’re both emotionally aware, and OK with that type of relationship, it can work well.

SEEK A HEALTHY BALANCE Relationships change and develop over time, so make time to check in with yourself and the other person regularly. Counsellor Georgina Sturmer says it’s particularly important to notice if one party is more driven to maintain a situationship than the other.

relationships

“Maybe you’re pushing for the situationship, and subconsciously there’s a part of you that knows that the other party would prefer a different style of attachment. Or maybe you’re the one who is compromising on your preferences in order to keep the momentum with the other person. If this is the case, ask yourself whether the situationship is really meeting your needs right now.”

PROTECT YOUR SELF-ESTEEM Be aware of how the situationship is affecting your self-image. Is the lack of commitment making you feel unworthy or unattractive? Or is the opposite true; perhaps

the freedom to live an independent life is actually boosting your confidence, and having a positive impact on other areas of your life. Be honest with yourself and what you want from a relationship, and whether the person you’re with can deliver, or if the current setup is triggering feelings of insecurity.

ZOOM OUT AND LOOK AT YOUR LIFE Because a situationship contradicts what a relationship is ‘supposed’ to look like, deciding whether you can handle one is a tricky decision to make. Laura Wasser, chief of divorce evolution at divorce.com suggests thinking about your love life in a more cinematic way to get a clearer picture. “I would gently suggest that you immerse yourself in the narrative of your situationship, just like a character in a novel,” she says. “Are you thriving, growing, and finding joy in the chapters unfolding? Or do you find yourself

IF OTHER PEOPLE CAN’T U N D E R S TA N D , T H E R E ’ S L I K E LY AN ELEMENT OF PROJECTING THEIR OWN INSECURITIES ON TO YOU, AS OPPOSED T O A C T U A L LY WA N T I N G W H AT ’ S B E S T FOR YOU shrinking, perhaps losing a bit of that sparkle that makes you uniquely you? “So, as you sit with your feelings, perhaps ask yourself this: is this situationship adding vibrant colours to your canvas, or is it muddying the waters, making it difficult to see the beautiful picture you’re meant to paint?” Ultimately, uncovering whether a situationship fits your needs is entirely based on your circumstances and emotional needs. But challenging yourself to dig deeper into those needs – through self-reflection, alone time, and if needs be, talking to a therapist – will result in a more fulfilling life, either with or without a partner. *Names have been changed. happiful.com | Issue 81 | 33

What people think depression is… Feeling sad Not wanting to do anything

What depression actually is… Changes to your sleeping pattern Appetite changes Brain fog Hopelessness Guilt Irritability Lack of motivation Continuous low mood

Unexplained aches and pains Withdrawing from others

No enjoyment from things you used to love

Struggling to remember details

Indecisiveness

Self-criticism

No energy

Feelings of shame

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Happiful reads... From a wellness-infused cookbook to a guide on embracing seasonal differences, here are four lifeenhancing reads for your bookshelf Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

ometimes we have a habit of unconsciously wishing the year away. During winter, we wish for the arrival of summer’s longer and brighter days, and in autumn, we hastily await the magic of winter. But imagine how beautiful it would be if we paused to savour each season and the unique gifts that come with it.

Slow Seasons: A Creative Guide to Reconnecting with Nature the Celtic Way by Rosie Steer

This is where the enriching guide, Slow Seasons, comes into play. Author Rosie Steer embraced slow living when city life left her feeling overwhelmed, and now she’s sharing her knowledge to help us do the same. Inspired by the Celtic Wheel of the Year, Rosie

presents seasonal activities and recipes, as well as advising us on things to make and forage, specific to each season. Inspired to give it a go?

Champneys: The Cookbook: Food for Wellness by Champneys If you’re familiar with Champneys health spas, you’ll know that they pride themselves on catering for wellness, both through their facilities and nutrition. Now, you have an opportunity to dine like a Champneys guest every day thanks to this guided cookbook, designed to help you achieve your personal health goals with a side of luxury.

The Potter’s Way: Heal Your Mind and Unleash Your Creativity Through the Power of Clay by Florence St. George While struggling with depression, Florence St. George found a love for pottery which led her to compete in The Great Pottery Throwdown in 2020. Having a first-hand understanding of the transformative power of pottery, the ceramicist invites us to get started on our own creative journey through clay.

Must reads This is How You Grow After Trauma by Olivia Remes Is there room for us to heal and grow after trauma? According to a University of Cambridge mental health expert, there is. Dr Olivia Remes has spent her time helping others to heal from traumatic experiences, and lends a helping hand to those who are struggling in the face of trauma with her five-step plan for recovery.

happiful.com | Issue 81 | 35

AMBITIOUS MINDS Investigating the dark side of new age philosophy by asking: what’s manifestation doing to mental health? Writing | Victoria Stokes

t one point or another, you’ve probably heard the phrase “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” Perhaps you spotted this quote from Norman Vincent Peale in a personal development book, or on your favourite self-help guru’s Instagram page. With the rise of manifestation trends, and the enduring popularity of new age philosophy, we’re seeing messages like these more and more. Manifestation posits that if we only dream big enough, and think positively enough, we can have, do, and be everything we’ve ever wanted. By controlling our thoughts, we can control the world around us, and overcome obstacles that have held us back in the past. It’s an alluring idea, but what’s it doing to our mental health? 36 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

When we set the bar for achievement so high, disregarding our unique struggles and challenges, not to mention the often harsh realities of the world around us, are we simply setting ourselves up for feelings of disappointment and failure? Sure, it can feel good to be positive, but what happens when wishful thinking doesn’t work?

Too much, too soon

Marilyn Devonish, a coach and multi-disciplinary therapist, believes manifestation – the process of thinking and feeling your goals into existence – can be incredibly empowering. “On the whole, the manifestation trend can be amazing, and when handled well, it’s often fun, exciting, and empowering. It gives you something to look forward to,

and expands the mind and our perception of possibility.” However, Marilyn explains that problems can arise when we expect instant gratification. When we set an intention so far removed from our current reality and expect it to manifest straight away, but instead see little change in our reality, it can be a recipe for stress, and self-doubt. What’s more, it can perpetuate a cycle of tirelessly striving for more, while constantly being less than content with what you already have. Marilyn compares it to taking a glass from hot to cold. “Imagine you take a glass out of the freezer and put it straight on a hot stove. The contrast is just too great, and it will shatter,” she says. “In terms of your mental health, this can set up a cycle of feeling disappointed and frustrated. It

can be demoralising and even cause doubts about our core identity, like believing you’re not good enough, or capable enough, to be, do, or have what you want.” While setting grand goals can be inspiring for some, it can be overwhelming for others, and setting the bar too high may put you under unnecessary pressure. While dreaming big may help you push past your limits and realise what you’re capable of, research suggests our mental health may fare better when we aim for more manageable targets – at least while starting out. Just ask Frank L Smoll, a psychologist at the University of Washington, whose research on goal-setting led him to the conclusion that the most effective goals are those that are achievable and believable. Or consider ‘thought-action fusion’, a psychological term that – similarly to manifestation – refers to the belief that thoughts and actions are linked. Research by Johanna Thompson-Hollands et al, in the Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, shows that ‘thought-action fusion’ is actually a risk factor for anxiety, depression, and OCD.

Can positivity be toxic?

Have you ever tried to make it through an entire day without complaining, or squashed down negative feelings when you’re feeling sad? Toxic positivity doesn’t feel good and it isn’t healthy, and yet with an insistence on emitting ‘good vibes only’, manifestation may encourage you to ignore mental health red flags. >>> happiful.com | Issue 81 | 37

You might push away that anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach instead of investigating it, or tell friends you’re on top of the world when you’re feeling anything but. Marilyn Devonish says avoiding or denying your emotions in this way is dangerous ground. “If you only focus on the positive, you can start to feel weak or like a failure for feeling anything less than good, happy, and positive, and the irony is, the very emotions you are attempting to avoid can become heightened, and even more ferocious in their intensity,” she surmises. “It’s better to explore and deal with these emotions so you can move on, otherwise it’s like a Jack-in-the-box just waiting to be triggered,” she points out. Still, many people around the world say that manifestation has helped them to achieve things that they once thought were beyond the realm of possibility. It’s allowed them to see themselves and their abilities in a whole different light, and, in many cases, lead happier, more well-rounded, and abundant lives as a result.

Minding your mental health while manifesting So if, like so many others, you want to use manifestation techniques to achieve anything from a better salary and a promotion to a thriving social life, and a new group of friends, how can you do it while minding your mental health? 38 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

Whether you’re manifesting what you want, or relying on more conventional methods to achieve your goals, all good things take time If you have a lengthy list of goals and you’re feeling overwhelmed, Lois Goodman, a holistic coach specialising in mindset and transformation, recommends the staircase technique. “It works by drawing a staircase on a piece of paper,” she explains. “You write your goal at the top, and then one step at a time, working from the bottom, you reverse engineer the process of achieving that goal. This means deciding what first steps you need to take to make your dreams a reality.” The good news? You don’t need to have it all figured out: you just need to suss out those allimportant first steps. Shadow work, the process of acknowledging and working through your darker thoughts, is also a key part of your journey. “Shadow practices like journaling and inner child healing allow you to be aware, acknowledge, and feel the emotions that are challenging, before releasing them and moving forward,” Lois says. “If you skip this crucial step, you will hinder yourself and find it’s more difficult to move forward and implement lasting change.” It’s important to be aware that shadow work can trigger deeply

held memories and emotions, so if you feel this is a risk for you, consider exploring this under the guidance of a psychotherapist, who is trained in shadow methods. Remember: human emotions exist on a spectrum, and we aren’t built to feel happy and positive all the time. In fact, research from the University of California, Berkeley, published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, suggests that humans experience at least 27 different emotions, and it’s normal to travel through everything from horror and sadness, to awe and peace, many times a day. So take that as permission to feel all your feelings, no matter how far removed they seem from the culture of constant positivity. Ultimately, Lois says, you need to “embrace the darkness you have inside you, and let it ride through you, to allow the light to break through”. A healthy dose of perspective and plenty of patience when manifesting can work wonders as well. After all, whether you’re manifesting what you want, or relying on more conventional methods to achieve your goals, all good things take time.

How to handle a personal space invader When it comes to personal boundaries, we all have different limits. If someone is crossing yours, use these tips to navigate yourself back to a comfortable position Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Get specific about touch

Is there a specific boundary that you don’t like to be crossed? For example, would you prefer it if people didn’t come up from behind you and initiate physical contact to say hello? Or would you prefer it if people didn’t touch your hair? If so, it can be helpful to let repeat offenders know precisely which actions are making you uncomfortable – and you only need to go into as much detail as you feel OK sharing. You may say: ‘When people get close behind me, it makes me feel uneasy.’ In most cases, this would be enough to prompt the individual to change their behaviour.

Set boundaries around greetings

A quick hug and a kiss on the cheek is a common way of greeting someone, but if this is something that makes you feel uncomfortable, there are a couple of ways of navigating it. A handshake is one option (you can go for a two-handed grasp to

make it less formal), or you can avoid touch altogether by saying something like: ‘I’m not much of a hugger, but it’s really lovely to see you!’

Maintain physical space

It might be that the person invading your personal space isn’t really aware of what they’re doing. In that case, just taking a couple of steps away from them, or sitting down on a chair, immediately gives you that space back, as well as being a non-verbal signal to them that they were too close. If they persist, you may need to speak up, but signalling in this way is a good first step.

Be firm in your boundaries Maintaining your boundaries can feel uncomfortable, particularly if you’re worried about others’ reactions. But it’s important to remember that you have a right to set a limit around your personal space, and that others should respect this. It’s possible to keep conversations pleasant

but firm – saying something simple like: ‘This is making me feel uncomfortable.’ Or: ‘Personal space is important to me, so I’m going to take a step back,’ communicates those boundaries politely, but clearly.

Take steps ahead of a meeting

Whether you’re meeting someone for the first time, or getting together with someone who you have experienced problems with in the past, a quick message sent ahead of time can help to set expectations. Be clear about what it is you’d like to avoid, for example: ‘I’m looking forward to seeing you. Just a heads up, I prefer not to [get too close, be hugged, be touched, etc.]’ The bottom line is, that anyone worth spending time with will want you to be comfortable, and if you’ve communicated your needs, you should be able to enjoy each other’s company in a way that respects your boundaries about personal space. happiful.com | Issue 81 | 39

Ask the experts

How can I talk to my partner about sex? Psychosexual and relationship therapist, Jacqueline Jones, answers your questions on sex and intimacy. Read more about Jacqueline on Counselling Directory.

Can you explain the difference between sex and intimacy?

Sex is generally thought to be about sexual function, like the act of vaginal, anal, and manual (using hands) intercourse, or oral-genital stimulation, with a partner or partners. Solo sex

Q Why is communication important in sexual relationships?

Communication is important because of consent. If sex is not consensual, it is abuse. If sexual intercourse takes place without consent, it is rape. Consent is not silence,

is also a thing. Plus, for some people, sex equals kissing, holding hands, or the use of fantasy. Some people have no interest in sex whatsoever. And that is fine and to be respected. Others are more interested in intimacy, which is the closeness that is felt when the private and personal self

is shared with one or more people. Intimacy is about feeling, emotion, warmth, and connection. Some people feel more intimate playing chess with another, rather than taking their clothes off for sex. We are all different. We are all unique. That is what makes us so special.

and it is sober. It is a clear and enthusiastic ‘yes’, rather than a clear ‘no.’ Remember, just because your partner(s) wanted sex yesterday, doesn’t mean they want it today. That’s why open communication is key. Not everyone wants sex, or wants sex all the time, and that’s OK. In consensual relationships, keep in mind that partners are not

mind readers, so unless we tell them how we feel or what we want, they may not know. It is unrealistic to expect another to guess our innermost thoughts and desires. Such expectations can put undue pressure on a sexual relationship. Clear communication is the key to a consensual, contented couple or intimate partnership.

Counselling Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

Jacqueline’s top tips for talking about sex

Q I’m uncomfortable talking about sex with my partner. How can I make it less awkward?

Try to be assertive, because assertiveness makes us feel connected to others, feel in control of our lives, and creates a respectful environment to deepen trust – there are even courses you can take to help develop this skill. Assertiveness allows us to state our needs, get them met, and improve mental health, thus

creating an environment for better sex. Which is what you want, right? Perhaps you’re uncomfortable talking about sex because you don’t enjoy it. Have you discovered an interest in kink or BDSM? Do you find sex painful, boring, or anxiety-provoking? Then all the more reason for a conversation to take place. Schedule a time when you feel safe and relatively relaxed. Make sure it is a good moment for your partner, too. Write a letter or note, and have your partner read it with you. Doing this, you may find it makes your bond stronger. Feel proud of yourself.

• What would a good sex life look like for you? Share what you like, enjoy, or do not. • Breathe. Have some water and hydrate, because when we are anxious, we can sweat, and our brain seems to stop, inhibiting us from saying what is on our mind. Take a breath and go with it, having practised what you want to say beforehand. • Speak in a calm, clear tone of voice. • Trust yourself. • Try to keep it simple, factual, and use ‘I’ statements. • Let your body do the talking, show your partner(s) how you engage in solo sex, take their hands and guide them to where you want. • Take heart from the fact that many people struggle with talking about sex. • If you are having great difficulty communicating about sex, you may wish to seek help from a qualified professional who can provide the tools and support needed.

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How to navigate friendship with someone with ADHD Discover how this condition can show itself in a friendship, and essential tips for being there for your friend Writing | Kerry Law

ith the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) estimating that there are two million adults living with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in the UK, the chances are you know someone with the condition – they may even be a close friend. All friendships experience highs and lows, but being friends with someone with ADHD may present its own set of unique situations, both good and challenging. If someone is neurodivergent, the way they act and communicate may differ from what a neurotypical person expects from a friendship. Of course, ADHD presents differently in different people, but understanding what typically makes the ADHD mind tick can help you navigate the most likely scenarios in your unique friendship, minimising friction and strengthening your bond along the way.

Don’t make assumptions based on attention

“When it comes to friendships, we often make assumptions about our importance to that person 42 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

based on how prioritised and seen they make us feel,” explains Dr Marianne Trent, a clinical psychologist and author. “But when it comes to people with ADHD, they may care deeply for you, but their impulsivity, inattentiveness, and even any associated mood disorders, get in the way of them being able to portray what you deem as ‘good’ friend behaviour.” Instead of seeking reassurance, focus on understanding their challenges and being a good friend yourself. “Being open and honest about what you’ve observed, and adopting a nonjudgemental, compassion-filled approach can be key,” she adds.

‘Ghosting’ may not be intentional

The email, WhatsApp, or DM, read but not replied to – it’s a bugbear, often leaving the sender (at best) frustrated and (at worst) feeling like they’ve been dropped into a friendship black hole. But for someone with ADHD, maintaining timely replies to messages is not always simple. “It’s helpful to bear in mind that the primacy and recency effects of memory can be even more

acute with someone with ADHD. This might mean that they get distracted and forget things more often than is ideal,” explains Dr Trent. “It’s OK to follow up if you’ve not heard back – it might be a case of busy life, busy mind, and a distraction cropped up before they had a chance to reply to you.” But be considerate – they may be experiencing feelings of overwhelm, and numerous chaseup messages won’t help.

Forgetting important dates doesn’t mean they don’t care

Friends make time for each other, right? But if your friend with ADHD completely forgot about your plan to meet for drinks, or that it’s your birthday tomorrow, it can feel like they don’t value you. Dr Jenna Vyas-Lee, clinical psychologist and co-founder of Kove mental health services, explains that, with ADHD, it can be a struggle to keep track of time. “Understand ADHD as a hungry, under-stimulated brain – it’s naturally looking to ‘feed’ itself, flitting from thing to thing, trying to fill itself up. Therefore, it makes sense that it’s often hard to remember birthdays, and be oriented to time.”

relationships

Dr Vyas-Lee recommends sending non-judgmental reminders, while keeping it light. “If it feels personal and hurtful, then openly discussing the issues together, and working out a way that fits both friends, will help everyone feel heard,” she adds.

Understand when your behaviour could be hurtful

You may have turned down an invitation, unintentionally blanked them, or ‘helpfully’ given some honest feedback – so why are they so hurt? It could be down to emotional dysregulation. Dr Trent explains: “It’s worth being aware of ‘rejection sensitive dysphoria’ (RSD) that some people with ADHD might have. This means that anything communicated to your friend

Understand ADHD as a hungry, under-stimulated brain – it’s naturally looking to ‘feed’ itself, flitting from thing to thing, trying to fill itself up which appears critical or negative could be reacted to in what might feel like a disproportionate manner. “Being aware of this allows you to consider how, and when, you offer feedback. For example, you could chat in advance if you know you’re not going to be able to spend time with them at a party because of other commitments.”

Embrace the positives

A little understanding goes a long way to ensuring those, once

jarring, behaviours don’t sink your friendship. Now you can focus on why you both became friends in the first place. “Most people with ADHD are seen as the ‘fun’ friends,” says Dr Vyas-Lee. “They can be incredibly sociable and creative, and people are drawn to them. They make excellent friends because they are often deeply caring and affectionate.” Perhaps more than a fair pay-off for the occasional forgotten text.

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“That’s the thing about books. They let you travel without moving your feet JHUMPA LAHIRI, THE NAMESAKE

Photograph | Jason An

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start the year strong

Social jet lag Have you had too much of a good thing? Learn more about the phenomenon that could be putting a dent in your wellbeing this social season Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

ou’ve heard of regular jet lag, but throwing off our sleep and wake routines in order to keep up with what’s going on around us, could result in the effect termed ‘social jet lag’. Coined by Till Roenneberg, professor of chronobiology at Ludwig-Maximilian University in Munich, social jet lag occurs when we go to bed later and wake up later on our days off, as compared to work days. Roenneberg believes that, just like normal jet lag, social jet lag is caused by jumping between two timezones: one dictated by our internal body clocks, and the other dictated by work and social obligations. And, unfortunately,

it can have an adverse affect on our health. According to the study at LudwigMaximilian University, social jet lag is a condition that is associated with weight gain, reduced mental performance, and chronic illness. Additionally, just like regular jet lag, social jet lag can make falling asleep more difficult, as well as leave you feeling overly tired and groggy. The same study estimates that around two-thirds of us experience at least one hour of social jet lag a week, and a third experience two hours or more. And avoiding it isn’t all that easy. For many, days off are a time to loosen up a bit. Those rigid routines that can keep us on

track during the week are now lifted, and with them can come the temptation to spend a couple more hours in bed in the morning. Add on to that the social get-togethers that go on a little later than on work days, and the routine is out the window. This is all particularly prevalent during the height of the social season. Parties, get-togethers, celebrations, and quick pop-ins that turn out not to be so quick. Socialising and spending time with others can be a total joy, but so can kicking back and taking it easy. These things can help us to decompress from our day-today lives, address those niggling >>> happiful.com | Issue 81 | 45

DR JANA JENKIN’S TIPS FOR SAYING ‘NO’ • Become aware of your potential unhelpful beliefs, such as: “Saying ‘no’ is rude, selfish, unkind, and I will no longer be liked by X.” These beliefs are likely to determine your behaviour, in other words, you attend a social event despite not wanting to go. • Establish a more helpful belief such as: “Saying no is my human right. Others tend to respect ‘no’. My needs are as important as other people’s needs.” • It is helpful to keep your explanation of ‘no’ brief – avoid long justifications. Do not be overly apologetic. • Be polite. Saying something like: “Thank you for asking, but I am feeling exhausted and would benefit from a quiet night and self-care tonight.” • Speak slowly with warmth, otherwise ‘no’ may sound abrupt to others. • Be honest about your feelings and always tell the truth, otherwise your dishonest justification may backfire, or you may feel guilty for telling white lies. • Remember that when you say ‘no’ you are just refusing a request, not rejecting the person who invites you to a social event.

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aspects of stress, and bring fun and laughter to our lives. But, is it possible to have too much of a good thing? We all have the ability to weigh up whether or not pushing back our bedtime in order to enjoy days off for a little longer is worth it or not – but if you are finding that doing so is having an adverse effect on your overall wellbeing, we have some suggestions for you to try.

THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH PRIORITISING SLEEP Firstly, it’s important to understand that prioritising your health is not a selfish thing to do, in fact, you can only be there for others once you have taken steps to take care of yourself first. And sleep is a hugely important part of our overall health. In fact, data presented by research assistant at the

start the year strong

University of Arizona College of Medicine, Sierra Forbush, suggests that for every hour of social jet lag a person experienced each week, they had an 11% increase in the likelihood of having cardiovascular disease. What’s more, various studies have found links between insufficient sleep and everything from chronic illnesses to decreased immune function, alcohol dependency, and even life expectancy. While understanding how important sleep is for your health is one thing, adapting your lifestyle around it is a whole other challenge. So, if you need help communicating this to others, setting boundaries is where you’ll want to start.

SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES “Healthy boundaries in relationships are paramount to prevent social jet lag. However saying ‘no’ can be truly difficult for many people,” says Dr Jana Jenkins, a clinical psychologist. “Some people may feel that they are letting others down, they fear that they might not be invited to a social event in the future, or they may feel worried about missing out.

“By and large, those who struggle with ‘no’ present as people-pleasers, or having the fear of judgement from others, which may be linked to low self-esteem. However, in my experience, others tend to respect ‘no’. It is up to all of us to feel entitled to say ‘no’ even when we might feel under pressure from others.” You may be having these conversations with friends, but it may also be relevant in relationships – perhaps your partner enjoys a late-night movie marathon, for example. Either way, coming to a compromise is a good way of tackling the temptation to stay up. For example, Dr Jenkins recommends asking yourself whether the event is meaningful for you. If it is, is there a compromise to be made? Could you, for example, say yes to something on a Saturday on the condition that Sunday is a restful day? Additionally, she recommends keeping a social calendar, so that you can feel in charge of all your commitments, and make decisions about what you have the energy to do, and what you would rather pass on.

Prioritising your health is not a selfish thing to do SLEEP ON IT It’s important to clarify that the odd lie-in really isn’t the end of the world – the key, as with everything, is balance. Our days off are precious, as is rest, as is time with loved ones, and downtime for making memories. But if social jet lag and its effects resonate with you, it could lead you to make changes that make a real difference to your health.

Dr Jana Jenkins is a clinical and coaching psychologist specialising in adult mental health and life coaching. Visit the Counselling Directory for more. happiful.com | Issue 81 | 47

A lunch packed with protein Warm your body and soothe your soul with this delicious vegetable soup Writing | Matthew Ferguson

s the days seem ever colder, you might be seeking a new and delicious recipe to warm you up. The good news is that it’s officially soup season! So if you’re searching for a simple, low-cost but protein-packed vegetable soup that will be loved by all the family, look no further! This red pepper, lentil, and tomato soup

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recipe is vegan-friendly, uses inexpensive ingredients (that you likely have in your cupboards already), and is an excellent source of fibre, protein, and iron. Whether you’re working from home or in the office, this soup is

perfect for meal prepping. Simply portion it into containers and store it in the fridge for up to four days, or longer in the freezer. Heat it up in the microwave or on the hob, toast some sourdough bread, and you’re good to go!

food & health

Nutritional information Per serving: Protein 20g Fat 6.5g Fibre 9g

Red pepper, lentil, and tomato soup Serves 4

To prep: 10 minutes To cook: 30 minutes

Ingredients • 2 red bell peppers, diced • 1 medium onion, diced • 3 cloves of garlic, crushed or finely chopped • 1 cup roughly chopped kale (or spinach, or any other leafy green) • 1 cup of dried red lentils • 1 tbsp of olive oil • ½ tbsp paprika (or smoked paprika, if you like that smokey flavour) • 1 vegetable stock cube (be sure to check the ingredients to ensure it is veggie/vegan friendly!) • 700ml water • 400g tin of chopped/diced tomatoes • ½ tbsp mixed herbs • Salt and pepper, to taste • Optional: sliced sourdough bread (toasted)

Method • Prep the pepper, onion, garlic and kale. Set aside. • In a pot, rinse and drain the red lentils in cold water to remove debris.

• In a large pan on medium heat, add a splash of olive oil. Once hot, add the onion and a pinch of salt. Sauté the onion until soft and slightly browned. • Add the garlic and paprika to the onions. Cook for 2–3 minutes until fragrant. • Dissolve the stock cube in 700ml of boiling water. Set aside. • To the pan, add the diced red peppers. Cook for a further 2–3 minutes. • Add the lentils, chopped tomatoes, and mixed herbs. Pour in the vegetable stock, stirring well. • Keep the heat on medium– high to return to a boil, and then reduce the heat and cover. • Stir occasionally (every 5 minutes or so) and check after 15–20 minutes. Tip: the soup is ready when the lentils have just started to lose their bite. • Stir in the chopped kale. Leave on low heat for a further 2 minutes before moving the pot contents to a blender. Blend the ingredients until your preferred texture. • Taste. Add salt and pepper if needed. • If using, serve with a slice of toasted sourdough bread!

The healthy bit

This red pepper and lentil soup is one of my go-to recommendations for clients, as it’s low-cost, proteinrich, and batch-cooking friendly. When it comes to nutritional value, this recipe has many bases covered, especially for vegetarians and vegans. Red lentils provide a high-quality source of plantbased protein, plenty of iron, and fibre. Red peppers are loaded with vitamin C – to help with iron absorption – and kale provides an excellent source of vitamin K, manganese, and folate. Sourdough bread provides fibre, B vitamins, and healthy bacteria, and with a lower glycaemic index than your standard white bread, the starches will be absorbed more slowly, avoiding blood sugar spikes! There’s no nasty stuff either, with this wholesome soup being cholesterol-free, low in fat, and containing no added sugars. Additionally, it’s easy to make in just under 45 minutes, and provides three of your five fruit and vegetable portions for the day. What’s not to like?

Matthew Ferguson is a nutrition consultant providing one-toone support for vegetarian and vegan health, endurance sports, and general wellbeing. Visit the Nutritionist Resource. happiful.com | Issue 81 | 49

Happiful recommends From a twilight adventure to a nostalgic exercise, check out this month’s revitalising recommendations for your wellbeing Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

Ditch the disposable cups Let’s brew up some kindness for our planet, and join Starbucks in its mission to reduce single-use waste. Ditch disposable cups, and swap them for Starbucks’ reusable cups. For every drink purchase in a reusable cup, get 25p off, saving you money while making a difference. (Head to your local Starbucks to find out more)

PAGE-TURNERS The Brain Fitness Puzzle Book: A Full Mental Workout with over 80 Puzzles by Dr Gareth Moore and Helena M Gellersen Renowned puzzle author Dr Gareth Moore, and esteemed expert in memory research Helena M Gellersen, are on a quest to help improve your memory, enhance your problem-solving skills, and unlock your potential with their ultimate book of puzzles. (Out now, Michael O’Mara Books Ltd)

ACT OF KINDNESS

LEND US YOUR EARS ‘They Don’t Teach This at School’ with Myleene Klass ‘They don’t teach this at school’ is a saying we’ve heard for too long, but changing the tide on this is Smooth Radio presenter and musician Myleene Klass. In her podcast, she interviews well-known guests to talk about the tips and skills that helped them through everyday challenges. (Available on all podcast platforms)

OUT AND ABOUT

Go on a moonlit walk A moonlit stroll is no ordinary walk, it’s a magical gateway that allows us to see the world from a fresh perspective, and reflect on the beauty of nightfall. Not forgetting, it’s a chance for us to get up close and personal with some of the most fascinating nocturnal creatures that only come out and about at night. Keep safety in mind by taking a torch and reflection clothing with you! 50 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

PLUGGED-IN

Dose of Society Looking for a daily dose of inspiration and positivity to grace your social media feed? Your search ends here! This incredible social platform sees people in the community being interviewed, sharing their heartfelt stories, sincere advice, and profound words of wisdom. (Follow @doseofsociety on TikTok)

culture

LESSON LEARNED

Sing your heart out Did you know that singing could be key to better health? Whether you’re busting a tune on a long drive home, or you’re hitting the high-notes in the shower, research suggests that singing can help release our feel-good hormones, and improve our immune system. Let the power of singing bring you harmony.

SQUARE EYES

TECH TIP-OFFS

One Sec How often do you find yourself scrolling through social media apps out of habit or boredom? Well, One Sec is here to help you break free from these patterns. This habit-changing app sends you pop-up notifications when you open your favourite apps to give you a chance to pause and think about whether you want to continue using them. (Available on all platforms)

GET GOING

Skipping exercise When you think of exercise, skipping might not be your first thought. But this nostalgic act is making a comeback into the world of adult fitness, for good reason! A skipping exercise is a simple and convenient way to get the benefits of a workout, while enhancing your cognitive function. (Head to YouTube for skipping exercises)

The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse You may have watched this charming film before, but we think it’s the perfect time of year to bring it back again. It’s a hand-drawn animated story about a boy setting off on a journey in search of his home, and finding friendship along the way, and we think you’ll love it. (Available to watch on BBC iPlayer)

TREAT YOURSELF

“Balance” Wooden Stacking Stones Embrace the meditative practice of stone balancing at home, in a way that doesn’t disturb natural habitats or wildlife. Simply balance one stone on top of the other, and let this pastime encourage you to slow down, and focus your attention. Once you’ve finished, display the beautifully crafted wooden pebbles in your home as minimalist decor. (£25, boostology.co.uk)

WIN “BALANCE” WOODEN STACKING STONES FROM BOOSTOLOGY For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com Which of the following is not a benefit of practising mindfulness? a) Improved focus b) Increased physical strength c) Reduced stress and anxiety *Competition closes 31 January 2024. UK and Northern Ireland only. T&Cs apply. Good luck! happiful.com | Issue 81 | 51

PARENTING PARADOX: how to look after your own mental health as a parent of a child with additional needs

Whether it’s pushing to get your child help or struggling with juggling work and your child’s needs, parents whose children have additional needs can often find it takes a toll on their mental health. Jenna Farmer, whose son has autism, explains how you can support yourself through these challenges Writing | Jenna Farmer

eing a parent can be extremely rewarding, but it’s not without its bumps in the road. While most parents can feel stressed and worried from time to time, others have more than the odd bout of stress. There are almost 1.5 million school-aged children in the UK who have additional needs, according to the Office for National Statistics (ONS), and for parents and carers, navigating this can be tough at times. It’s not the case for everyone, but research has shown that parents who have children with additional needs may have greater mental health struggles. The journal Families, Systems & Health reported that parents and carers of children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) report increased levels of stress, depression, and anxiety.

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“The challenges of caring for a child with additional needs can lead to feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and depression,” says Heidi Mavir, disability advocate and author of The Sunday Times bestseller Your Child Is Not Broken: Parent Your Neurodivergent Child Without Losing Your Marbles. As a mum to a child who has autism, I know these worries all too well. It’s important to add that much of this worry is not necessarily because of my child’s needs, but all of the parts of life that come with it, such as: hospital appointments; getting a diagnosis; getting access to therapies; and navigating the school system; as well as the impact this can have on different relationships, too. A study in the British Journal of Special Education notes that a third of

parents whose children have special educational needs (SEND) said their family and friends did not understand, leading to them feeling isolated. “Parents may feel disconnected from friends and family who may not fully understand their situation, and there’s financial strain – the cost of medical treatments, therapies, and specialised education – which can also create financial stress,” says Heidi. It can feel like 100% of your energy needs to go into supporting your child, but this can often be the quickest route to burnout. Yet, it can also feel like a lot of the usual advice around mental health doesn’t apply. After all, opting for a spa day or a weekend lie-in is not always an option. So what can we do to support our mental health while also supporting our children?

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1. FIND THE RIGHT SUPPORT NETWORK

“Connect with other parents facing similar challenges through support groups or online communities. Sharing experiences and advice can be invaluable,” says Heidi. Speaking to others in the same boat can be a huge help – and thanks to the power of the internet, there’s no need to leave your living room to do so! Many charities run local support groups, and thanks to social media, there are lots of ways to connect with others, whether it’s online training or Facebook groups to chat to other parents. Most local councils (and relevant charities) will have a list of both in-person and online support groups you can get involved with, but Facebook is also a great place to start. Not Fine in School is a parent-led organisation, with an online Facebook group of more than 40,000 parents to help with barriers around attending school. Disability charity Scope also has a directory of support groups.

2. STACK SELF-CARE HABITS INTO YOUR DAY

A lot of the usual self-care advice may not be suitable, especially if your child is not in a school or childcare setting, and so alone-time is pretty rare. However, building in small self-care habits can make a real difference. It may be that you listen to your favourite song while tidying, or get up five minutes earlier to have a cup

Get up five minutes earlier to have a cuppa to yourself before your children wake up.

of tea to yourself before your children wake up. Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t prioritise yourself for longer periods of self-care, but try to habit-stack by building these smaller rituals throughout the day instead. If you do have time away from your child, make sure that some of this time is dedicated to things you know improve your mental health. You

might want to take a longer walk or read your favourite book on a lunch break. This can be so tricky when we’re used to putting our children first, but is so important.

3. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER A lot of the worries around having a child with additional needs can be to do with uncertainty, especially if you’re new to (or trying to get) a >>>

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diagnosis. The phrase ‘knowledge is power’ couldn’t be more true when it comes to parenting, and it can help us feel more in control of the situation, as well as being fully equipped to deal with communication on their behalf. “Educate yourself by learning as much as you can about your child’s condition or needs. Knowledge empowers you to make informed decisions, and advocate effectively!” says Heidi.

4. MINDFULNESS CAN WORK

We often think of mindfulness as spending hours chanting about inner peace, but it can definitely have its place in supporting your mental health. One study in the Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Nursing found parents who had additional-needs children noted a real improvement in psychological wellbeing when 54 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

they had mindfulness training, and were also reported to have more positive interactions with their children. The good news is you don’t have to spend hours finding your zen. Another study from 2021, published in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders offered parents of children with autism 10–15 minute meditation recordings, a three-minute breathing space, along with short exercises, and found these activities reduced distress and increased their mindfulness.

5. REINVENT GRATITUDE While we love our children completely, it is only natural to sometimes compare them to others, or fret over missed milestones that society tells us they should be achieving. “Parents may grieve the loss of expectations they had for their child’s development,”

explains Heidi. However, while it’s completely normal to feel this way (so definitely don’t beat yourself up about it!), it’s really important to celebrate those little wins along the way, too. Numerous studies have proven that gratitude increases happiness, with one in the American Psychologist even revealing that just one act of gratitude can result in an immediate 10% boost in happiness, along with a 35% decrease in depressive symptoms! Not to mention offering a sense of perspective when things feel tough. It doesn’t have to be a big moment to celebrate; it might be your child’s first full day of school, or mastering a skill after working really hard on it. When my son had speech delay, keeping a diary of words that were emerging and other communication that was developing, really helped me celebrate the huge steps we were making. While we can’t say that parenting a child who has additional needs shouldn’t feel stressful, we hope we’ve shown that there are others out there going through the exact same thing. Hopefully, these tips may give you some ideas to support your mental health while parenting, but it is always important to know you can reach out to your GP for more support if you feel it is needed.

start the year strong

The future is

accessible Accessibility should be at the heart of our towns and cities. And, in 2024, it can be. Discover five examples of incredible accessibility projects from around the world Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

t’s estimated that 16 million people in the UK have a disability – that’s around 24% of the total population. And, yet, navigating our towns, cities, and villages isn’t always straightforward. Buildings without accessible entrances, media without inclusive options, transport without the appropriate infrastructure, and overstimulating or hostile environments, are just a few examples of the barriers people may come up against. And those aren’t the only things to contend with. According to the charity Scope, three out of four disabled people have experienced negative attitudes or behaviour in the past five years. This, coupled with the feeling of being excluded from experiences, or having to make drastic accommodations in order to have access to the same opportunities as others, can take its toll and lead to a sense of isolation and othering.

It’s clear that, as a society, we need to challenge our attitudes, and for our infrastructure to be better. The good news is that we’re not short of inspiration. From top-notch tech to welcoming attitudes put into policy, here, we’ve rounded up five examples of inspiring steps towards a more inclusive future.

Braille handrails, Naples, Italy If you take a trip to Castel Sant’Elmo, you’ll find something rather marvellous on this hilltop, coastal castle. Installed in 2017 by local artist Paolo Puddu, a 92-foot-long steel rail runs across the castle wall, and on it, in Italian and English, is braille that describes the view to those with visual impairments. Using excerpts from Italian author Giuseppe de Lorenzo’s novel La terra e l’uomo (the Land and the Man) this poetic description takes a pre-existing

Braille handrails, Na ple

s, Italy

cultural experience and creates a whole new original and exciting dimension, that can be enjoyed by those who may normally be unable to access it to the same degree. The use of the poetic description hopes to capture the same beauty that visitors may sense from looking at the view, and this installation is an example of the ways in which creative solutions and artistry across mediums can transform an experience. >>> happiful.com | Issue 81 | 55

North York Moors National Park accessibility project, Yorkshire, UK So many of us can attest to how beneficial time in nature is for our overall wellbeing, but getting out there isn’t always easy. Uneven ground, narrow pathways, and an overall lack of accessibility measures – such as ramps and appropriate doorways – can make these spaces a challenge for many. But that’s changing in Yorkshire. The North York Moors National Park accessibility project has set out to make outdoor activities accessible, working with Visit England to develop practical access measures, and also provide disability awareness training for staff. From adapted hire bikes for exploring the forest, to lift access at historical sites, and adapted picnic benches, these measures are already making a huge difference for visitors looking to embrace all that nature has to offer us. 56 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

Ageing population measures, New York City, USA It’s estimated that New York City hosts around six million visitors with disabilities each year and, appropriately, already has many accessibility measures in place. But one thing at the top of New York City’s Commissioner of the Office of People with Disabilities, Victor Calise’s list, was to work with the Department for Ageing to take steps to make the city work for older residents and visitors. Benches have been installed around the city for people who can’t walk for long distances, or who would like to take a break while exploring. Old pay phones have been replaced with kiosks

equipped with free Wi-Fi, phones, tablets for maps and city services, and free charging for devices. These kiosks also have hearing loops, braille, and the ability to zoom in or adjust the colour of the tablet screens, in order to make them easier to read. As our population grows older, measures such as these ensure a more accessible future for all.

Navigation app for blind and low-vision travellers, Sydney, Australia In a survey by Valuable 500, 49% of respondents said that they chose to visit Sydney because of its accessible transport links, and it’s easy to see why. Australia’s Federal Disability Standards

start the year strong

49% said that they chose to visit Sydney because of its accessible transport links for Accessible Public Transport were first introduced in 2002, and are updated every five years – meaning they remain current and move with advances in technology. For example, Sydney Airport launched a partnership with Aira, a service that helps blind and low-vision travellers navigate the airport by using an app on their smartphone. Something else that can be a challenge for travellers is finding out all the information they need ahead of their trip. Without suitable resources, this can be very time-consuming, and contributes to a stressful mental load. But visitors to Sydney can cut straight to the point, by visiting the Accessible Sydney site, which hosts all information on accessibility in one place.

Autism Friendly Town, Clonakilty, Ireland In 2018, Clonakilty became Ireland’s first accredited Autism

Friendly Town, following a journey that began back in 2015 when the retailer, Scally’s SuperValu, became the first shop to make in-store changes to ensure autistic people could have a better shopping experience. The feedback was overwhelmingly positive, and started a conversation about autism across the town. Since then, in order to be awarded the accreditation, Clonakilty had to train 25% of businesses, 50% of public services, 50% of schools, 50% of healthcare professionals, and engage 25% of the town’s population in a three-year Autism Friendly Town plan. This included staff training, sensory activities – such as the sensory garden on the grounds of the West Cork Model Railway – quiet times and spaces, and service dog awareness. Plus, throughout the town and its amenities, visitors will also be able to find social

stories, which are tools that support a meaningful exchange of information between venues and autistic visitors. And the action taken in Clonakilty is having a ripple effect, with 10 more Irish towns going on to achieve the same accreditation.

A better, more accessible world When our towns and cities are accessible, it brings benefits to all. Safe, open, inclusive environments are physical evidence of a commitment to creating a more compassionate world. Local businesses benefit from being available to all. And places of cultural significance are kept alive by all those who are able to enjoy, be moved and inspired by them. And when infrastructure is coupled with attitudes of respect and dignity, very quickly, the barriers start to fall down. happiful.com | Issue 81 | 57

How to start a conversation about money with your partner Wherever you are in your relationship, and whatever your finances are, use these tips for starting open and honest discussions about money Writing | Laura Turner

alking about money can feel daunting at the best of times. Throw a romantic partner into the mix, and that feeling can get amplified – especially if you have feelings of discomfort when it comes to your finances. Research from Aviva found that financial stress is one of the leading causes of divorce in the UK, so it is essential to foster a supportive environment with your partner to discuss the matter of money, without blame, guilt, or resentment. No matter what your financial status is, talking about money can certainly improve and deepen your relationship with your partner. So how can you get started with these conversations?

When you’re splitting the bill on a date

Dating and shared activities are cornerstones in a lot of relationships, and offer an immediate entry into 58 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

money talk. For example, whether you’re in a long-term relationship, or it’s your very first date, splitting the bill is a hot topic. Do you split it 50/50, or just pay for what you had? In a new relationship, you could suggest paying for different parts of the date. For example, one person pays for the cinema tickets, the other pays for drinks and snacks. Another suggestion you could make to your partner is to alternate paying for dates each time you go out. If you’re in a longer-term partnership, you might wish to create a ‘kitty’, whether that’s in cash or in a shared bank account. You each contribute the same amount, and then pay for dates from that pot of money. That way, you are both splitting things reasonably equally.

If you have debt you want to tell them about

When it comes to talking about debt, you might be harbouring

feelings of guilt or shame, and you might feel stressed about disclosing your debts to your partner. It can feel vulnerable to discuss your financial status, and we can sometimes, wrongly, attach our self-worth to our bank account. The reality is that the average credit card debt per person in the UK in 2023 is £1,202, according to Finder, while the average UK debt per person is £34,546. Clearly, it’s much more common than you might imagine, and your partner could even be in a similar position. Be honest about how you’re feeling, ask for compassion and empathy, and acknowledge that you’re feeling uncomfortable, if that is the case. Be sure to structure the conversation, and try to determine what you’d like to get out of the chat beforehand. Is it support? Advice? Help creating a debt pay-off plan? End the conversation collaboratively, and discuss your shared goals for the future.

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Financial stress is one of the leading causes of divorce in the UK

When you’re moving in together

If you’re moving in with a partner, it’s vital to have total transparency with one another. If you haven’t yet had the money chat, or you have and feel like you need to cover more ground, now is the opportune time to initiate that conversation. Cohabiting means sharing rent or mortgage payments, splitting bills, and sharing your life together on a new level. It’s an exciting time, and you’ll find out new things about one another – from who leaves their socks on the floor to who forgets to buy toilet roll. You’ll probably also find out about your differences when it comes to your approach to money.

No two people in a couple will have the same opinions, thoughts, feelings, behaviours, and habits when it comes to money management. The important thing is to have respect for differences, and make sure that you are aligned on your shared goals.

When planning for your future

Planning a future, financially, with a partner is one of the most exciting things to do when it comes to money. Schedule some time in the calendar for a real-life money date, and discuss what you each want your future to look like. Is that early retirement? Part-time working? Big adventurous holidays? Now

reverse engineer the steps of how you’ll get there. Think about what choices and actions you can make today to put your plans to work. If you’re not sure yet about what you want your future to look like, ask yourself these questions: what do you value? What makes you feel fulfilled? When you know your partner’s answers to these intimate questions, it can give you a greater understanding of them, and their financial decisions (past and present), too. Remember that many of us have been raised to believe that talking about money is taboo. Having more conversations about money with your partner is a journey. But if you can take steps to talk about finances regularly, it’s likely to pay off and your relationship will be stronger for it. happiful.com | Issue 81 | 59

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A year of Happiful for staff Support the beating heart of your business, by prioritising employees’ mental wellbeing. Purchasing a print subscription to Happiful provides a monthly delivery of positivity straight to their door, packed with expert insight, life-changing hacks, and a wealth of self-help guidance. • Bigger discounts the more subscriptions your order • Exclusive 50-page workplace wellbeing PDF • Content that normalises mental health discussion • For every tree used to print our magazine, we plant two • 100% recyclable magazine and envelope

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wellbeing

Road to recovery How to move forward and take care of yourself in the aftermath of a psychotic episode Writing | Katie Conibear

sychosis can be unnerving, upsetting, and even traumatic to go through, and what you’ve experienced can stay with you for a long time. What’s also not spoken about enough is how isolating it can be, as you may feel lonely and more distanced from friends and family afterwards, too. From my own experience of hearing voices and dealing with delusions, afterwards I often feel extremely vulnerable. Knowing that you went through something which meant you couldn’t trust your own thoughts and senses is very difficult to come to terms with, and makes you feel like you can’t trust yourself again. You want to shut yourself off from the rest of the world in order to keep yourself safe. Stigma surrounding psychosis also hinders people from reaching out for help, as they feel people will judge them, be confused,

or even scared. But you don’t, and shouldn’t, have to traverse the road to recovery alone. The following are supportive, practical steps you can take to help yourself in the aftermath of a psychotic episode, along with insight into long-term recovery.

PRACTICAL WAYS TO RECOVER AFTER A PSYCHOTIC EPISODE

“Be patient and kind to yourself,” says counsellor Jenny Warwick, which is an imperative starting point. “This experience can be debilitating and exhausting, physically as well as mentally. Give yourself time to recover; to do the things you enjoy that help you relax. Don’t try to manage it alone – there are a lot of helpful resources and information out there, online, and in your community. Finding other people who have had this experience can be powerful and validating.”

As Jenny says, you don’t have to try to move forward on your own, but also remember there’s no timeline – or limit – on recovery. Go at your own pace.

Reach out to a doctor.

Even though the psychotic episode is over, it’s important to seek out help. Support may even help to prevent you from relapsing, and offer access to medication and therapy. Additionally, it could potentially assist you with identifying any underlying causes of the most recent episode you might have been unaware of, in order to be aware of future triggers.

Reconnect with your friends and family.

As mentioned, psychosis can be incredibly isolating and lonely. So once you’re out the other side, start a dialogue with close friends and family, and be >>> happiful.com | Issue 81 | 61

honest, if you can. The more they know about the experience and how it affected you, the more capable they’ll be to offer support. Plus, keep in mind that socialising can be so beneficial and healthy, even if it feels daunting.

Recovery won’t be linear, so be prepared for wobbles

Get back to you.

It’s vital to ground yourself with activities you enjoy. We can feel lost after a psychotic episode, so to reconnect with who we are, our passions, and what ignites our spark, helps us to feel like we’re on more solid ground to move forwards.

Talk through your feelings.

Reliving a psychotic episode and what transpired can be daunting, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to, or if you’re not ready. Instead, talking through the emotions and feelings during that time can help you process it all still and help you heal. One of the most challenging parts of recovery can be the fear of relapsing at any time, so it can be worth remembering that some people will only ever experience a single episode of psychosis. And while others may relapse, this is nothing to be ashamed of. After a first episode of psychosis, relapse in young people (aged 15–24) is common, with approximately 30% of individuals experiencing another episode within a year, increasing to up to 80% over five years, according to a 2020 study in Schizophrenia Bulletin Open. However, relapse can also depend on why someone experienced psychosis in the first 62 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

place. Psychotic episodes can be symptoms of schizophrenia (with 25% of these people only experiencing one psychotic episode in their lives), and sometimes bipolar disorder and severe depression. Although psychosis can also be triggered by physical conditions and illnesses, it could be the result of traumatic experiences and extreme stress, along with alcohol and substance misuse. The root cause, therefore,

could determine how likely it is for you to relapse. But whatever the reason for you, taking steps to support yourself or seek help is a huge leap forward.

WHAT TO DO IN THE LONG-TERM

For longer term support, in case of relapse, it’s essential to have a support system in place in the form of someone close to you, and professional help from a mental

wellbeing

health team. Together, you can help identify: • Any triggers you have for a psychotic episode, such as stress, a lack of sleep, alcohol and other substances, and how you can mitigate these. • Any warning signs you exhibit – such as changes to your usual behaviour, being more withdrawn, isolating yourself, being more paranoid and suspicious – and what people in your life should do to help if they’re concerned. • What treatment and care work for you if you become unwell, along with what you don’t want to happen. • Put together a plan of what loved ones should and shouldn’t do to help during a psychotic episode.

HOW CAN I SUPPORT A LOVED ONE IN RECOVERY?

Jenny Warwick explains how someone can practically help a loved one after they have experienced a psychotic episode. “First and foremost, be supportive and accepting of their experience,” Jenny says. “Let them know you are there for them; remember that they are still the same person, experiencing a mental health condition beyond their control. Focusing on the person you know and love rather than their symptoms, will make them feel valued.” Jenny also notes how important it is not to challenge them on their experience, as this can help them to feel accepted. And if you’re feeling a bit confused or not sure you comprehend what’s

happened, you can take steps to educate yourself. “Find resources about psychosis so you can have an understanding. When you are armed with information, you will feel equipped to help your loved one,” Jenny adds. More than anything, being that non-judgemental pillar of support is so valuable, and there are practical steps you can take to help them along the way. “Recovery from a psychotic episode takes time – be patient and gentle with them, and remember, recovery won’t be linear, so be prepared for wobbles,” Jenny says. “Encourage them to seek professional help from a doctor or mental health professional. You could offer them practical support to access this service, or even be there with them as an advocate.” But, as with any scenario when caring for another’s wellbeing, it’s vital that you don’t neglect your own in the process. When someone you care about is going through a psychotic episode, it can be distressing, and putting pressure on yourself to know all the answers, and always be there, can really take it out of you, so look after yourself as well. Remember, you don’t have to do this alone. Whether you’re the person experiencing psychosis directly, or wanting to support a loved one who is, psychosis can have a longterm impact. For me, psychosis definitely affects my day-to-day life. I often worry about sounds I hear and if they’re real or not, and have to ask for confirmation that the voice I just heard was

WHAT TO DO IF YOU EXPERIENCE PSYCHOSIS A psychotic episode is considered a medical emergency, so it's required to get psychiatric referral. It's also worth knowing that if you're in an active episode (or caring for someone who is) you can visit A&E, and should do so with the initial episode.

also audible to the people around me. It can be tiring and I often feel on edge. But I’ve learnt to manage these feelings by talking them through with loved ones and during therapy, which has taught me to live more in the moment and not to worry about the ‘what ifs’ – especially as when and where a psychotic episode might happen is out of my control. I now know it can be managed, through medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes. So, for anyone reading this, I want you to know it is possible to live a fulfilling life if you have experienced psychosis. Katie Conibear is a writer and mental health advocate. Their first book, ‘Living at the Speed of Light’, about bipolar disorder, is out now.

Jenny Warwick is a counsellor who specialises in relationships. Get in touch via her profile on the Counselling Directory. happiful.com | Issue 81 | 63

Your 100% won’t always look the same. MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

100%

40%

10%

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

20%

80%

70%

40%

Know that when you’re giving it all you’ve got, it’s more than enough.

Take 5

It’s time for a breather from the stress of the world, as you unwind and enjoy a few precious moments of puzzling fun

Wordsearch

Warm up those thinking gears as you scour the grid (right) for 15 winter-related words hidden within. Want an extra challenge? Try to find the four additional words not included in the list. Get your skates on and good luck! • Frost • Icicles • Scarf • Boots • Hibernate • Knitting • Sled • Pinecone • Solstice • Fog • Fireplace • Crisp • Leaves • Gloves • Wind

B O

A C

A N N

G R

S O

R O E

N D

V O M B

O A W A

C G R O

N C O O

A G

N N

E O S

P C

A C

R O K

N G

R O S

Riddles What goes up but never comes down? I am an odd number. Take away a letter and I become even. What number am I? What is bought by the yard and worn by the foot?

How di do? V d you isit ‘Freeb ies’ se the c shop. happ tion on if to fin d the ul.com a and m nswers, ore!

Emotional exploration How learning new words for emotions can support your wellbeing

ow do we know we are experiencing an emotion? A racing heart could indicate excitement at winning the lottery, or abject terror at performing karaoke to a room full of strangers. Laughter can come from a hilarious conversation, or sheer nervousness. An uneasy stomach could indicate feelings of giddy love, or a stomach bug. This theory of constructed emotion was made popular by Dr Lisa Felmann Barret, who goes into more detail in her book, How Emotions are Made, regarding how sometimes there is very little physiological difference in these instances described, so context is essential in helping us make sense of our bodily cues. Markers such as heart rate or body temperature are signals that let us know what impact our environment or thoughts might be having on us, and what we can do to regain balance – eat, sleep, escape danger etc. Words give meaning to

66 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

those states, and the more in-tune we are with them, the better we can self-regulate – as evidenced in a 2018 paper in Frontiers in Psychology. I like to think of our emotional vocabulary as computer desktop shortcuts. If I said “I’m going out in a machine with four wheels that is powered by an engine, and holds one to five people,” it might take a minute of time and effort to grasp what I’m describing. Thankfully, words give us instant access to a shared idea. When I say ‘car’, you immediately get what I’m talking about. The same is true of emotions. Joy, anger, and hope are all words that help us instantly decipher our internal states. For the sake of convenience, most of us will default to the same handful of words to describe our feelings – like happy or angry. In doing so, we are missing a great opportunity to understand and express ourselves better. Each of these words is an umbrella term for a whole range of more

ELIZABETH DUNNE MA DSFH

Elizabeth is a solutionfocused hypnotherapist and psychotherapist. Find out more by visiting the Hynotherapy Directory.

nuanced states. Within anger, we have vexed, irritated, and irate. Within happiness, is joy, contentment, and exuberance. By drilling down using more specific words, we can label our experience more precisely. Matthew D Lieberman et al’s research in Psychological Science has shown that giving labels to our emotional experiences decreases activity in the amygdala, an area of the brain which plays a key role in stress response, helping us calm down. The ability to specify our emotional states is known as emotional granularity, and it is a skill that can be improved with practice. Those with low emotional granularity describe their emotions in vague terms such as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, whereas those with high

EXPERT COLUMN

UNTRANSLATABLE EMOTIONS FROM DIFFERENT LANGUAGES: 1. Gigil (Tagalog/Filipino): The overwhelming urge to pinch someone’s face because they’re unbearably cute. 2. Resfeber (Swedish): The mix of nervous excitement before travelling. 3. Waldeinsamkeit (German): The spiritual feeling of being alone in the woods. 4. Arigata-mei-waku (Japanese): The pressure to show gratitude for a favour someone did for you (unasked) that caused you inconvenience or hassle.

emotional granularity identify their emotional states with more precision, giving insight into the specificity of their emotion and what might be causing it. ‘Sad’, for example, is broad and contextless. Whereas if we say we feel ‘powerless’ or ‘rejected’, we can look at what is causing these feelings and what control we have in either changing or accepting them. A 2015 paper in Current Directions in Psychological Science suggests that those with high emotional granularity have a greater degree of control on their emotions, and are less likely to be anxious, self-medicate, or lash out at others. So, what can you do to increase your emotional granularity? Step one is taking a more mindful

approach to emotion labelling. You can do this through keeping a mood journal, or meditating, to notice your emotions as they are occurring. You can expand your emotional vocabulary by looking up new words online, and finding the ones that apply best to you. You can look to different languages for concepts that don’t exist in English, or even get creative and make up your own concepts to sum up your specific experiences. I would bet good money that the recent creation of ‘hangry’ has saved many an argument in relationships. It can be tempting to focus our attention on the emotions that are distressing over the joyful ones, but a word of caution: don’t

let your emotional vocabulary be one-sided. Studies, such as one in 2020 featured in Nature Communications, have shown that having a vocabulary with more negative words decreases wellbeing. So, while negative emotions are a natural part of life, don’t let them be the whole picture. It is also important to reflect on the nuances of positive emotions – is your happiness a quiet contentment? Satisfaction? Uncontainable joy? Emotions can be complex, but we have the wonderful tool of language at our disposal to make better sense of them, so make your emotional landscape more colourful and textured by exploring new ways to express your inner world. happiful.com | Issue 81 | 67

“You’ve been criticising yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens LOUISE HAY

Photograph | Anna Shvets

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positive pointers

How to give constructive feedback An essential guide to delivering effective assessments, and ensuring your words of wisdom don’t miss the mark Writing | Caroline Butterwick

hether it’s a colleague who needs guidance to improve their work, or a loved one asking for our honest thoughts on an idea they’ve had, we all have times where we need to give other people feedback. And, chances are, you’ve experienced the awkwardness and uncertainty about just how honest to be, along with anxiety around not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings. But giving constructive feedback can be something hugely positive, for both you and the recipient. Feedback, when given correctly, helps people develop, encourages them, and enables them to address issues early on. So, how can we deliver constructive feedback most effectively for all involved?

Why it can be difficult to give feedback

“It can be hard to give negative feedback, both at work or when speaking to a friend or loved one about something they’re passionate about, without feeling like you’re raining on their parade,” explains counsellor Roxanne Black. “No one wants to be seen as a negative person, and I think that we are also aware that the person receiving the feedback can be sensitive to negative feedback, which can make the person offering feedback feel even more responsible.” We can worry that our words will hurt the person, or that we won’t express ourselves in the right way. Most of us know the sting of criticism, so it’s natural that

you would worry about upsetting someone with your review.

The importance of being honest

As challenging as it can be, constructive feedback is hugely important in so many different areas of life. “Hiding your true opinion does two things,” explains Roxanne. “Firstly, it robs you of the opportunity to be honest about what you think. This can cause a person to become frustrated with themselves for not being honest, or feel guilt or discomfort as they watch the other person press ahead with an idea or course of action that may require further work. “Secondly, it robs the other person of an opportunity >>> happiful.com | Issue 81 | 69

to develop. They may think that because they have run their idea past you, and you’ve given it nothing but glowing praise, it requires no further work, and may ignore negative feedback from other parties, or experience embarrassment or disappointment further down the line if their idea is rejected or doesn’t work out.”

How to give someone constructive feedback

Roxanne outlines a scenario where you’re giving feedback on a colleague’s presentation, and how to best structure your feedback so it’s both sensitive and helpful. She recommends starting with positive feedback first – this could be something that you enjoyed or felt went well. So, for the presentation scenario, you could say something like: “I felt the layout of the presentation was very clear overall.” “When giving negative feedback, start by using ‘I’ instead of ‘you’,” Roxanne explains. “So instead of saying ‘You didn’t explain the information on slide five very well,’ say, ‘I noticed that the information on slide five 70 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

positive pointers

wasn’t as clear as the rest of the presentation, and that made it difficult for me to follow.’ Using an ‘I’ statement lets you be honest about a point you want to raise, without sounding like a criticism of the recipient.” Next, look to give a suggestion for how to improve, such as: “If you were to use a graph alongside the text on that slide, it would make the information you’re trying to convey clearer.” This way the person has something tangible they can take away from the conversation that will help them move forwards. “A quick way to remember is to use the acronyms WWW (What Went Well) for positive feedback and EBI (Even Better If) for negative feedback,” advises Roxanne.

How to be sensitive when giving feedback

Being sensitive and understanding when giving feedback is important. Chances are, the person has worked really hard on what they are sharing with you, and it’s understandable that they may find it challenging to hear anything that isn’t praise,

even if you do your best to be constructive. “Make sure that the feedback you are giving isn’t personal. Your aim isn’t to criticise the person, it’s to give them feedback that they can utilise,” Roxanne suggests. Keeping the purpose of the feedback in your mind can help, too. “Remember the feedback needs to benefit the recipient’s goals, not focus on yourself,” says Roxanne. “So mentioning that you don’t like the colour scheme used in a presentation because it’s not to your taste, is not helpful feedback.” Sometimes, there may be several points for negative feedback that you want to give. In this situation, Roxanne recommends focusing on two or three of the most pertinent points, so the person receiving the feedback doesn’t feel too disheartened or overwhelmed.

“Remember why you are giving feedback: you’re offering feedback that will help the recipient to develop and improve,” advises Roxanne. She points out that the more you practise giving constructive feedback, the more comfortable you’ll become. “You can control how you deliver constructive feedback, but you are not responsible for how the other party receives said feedback,” Roxanne says. “If you have done your best to ensure that your feedback is delivered sensitively and helpfully, then you have done all you can.” Constructive feedback is helpful for everyone involved, so the next time someone asks for your thoughts, remember the difference you can make.

Feeling more comfortable when giving feedback Of course, you may still feel awkward or uncomfortable about giving feedback, and that’s understandable.

Roxanne Black is an integrative counsellor and psychotherapist. Visit the Counselling Directory for more. happiful.com | Issue 81 | 71

Happiful: Finding What Works Discover the podcast that’s the perfect companion for your wellness journey

EXHALE INHALE • NUANCED CONVERSATION • INSIGHT AND ILLUMINATION • GENTLE EXPLORATION OF WHAT WORKS (AND WHAT DOESN’T)

Catch up with season one wherever you get your podcasts, and sign up to our free newsletter to be the first to hear about season two: happiful.com/digital-subscription 72 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

• SELF-REFLECTION • TIME TO PROCESS • SPACE TO TAKE ACTION

Self-care bingo Set a personal boundary

Challenged my inner critic

Asked for help Brushed my teeth

Spent time outside

Did a hobby

Tried breathwork

Cooked a meal

Did something on my to-do list

Drank water

Listened to music

Journaled

Got 8 hours of sleep

Watched the sunset

Did a full body scan

Had creative time happiful.com | Issue 81 | 73

“She’d decided long ago that life was a long journey. She would be strong, and she would be weak, and both would be OK TAHEREH MAFI, FURTHERMORE

Photograph | Alison Erickson

food & health

5 things you need to know before going plant-based With more than three million vegetarians in the UK (and a further million vegans), interest in plant-based food has never been higher. In fact, a YouGov poll found that 37% of us eat much more plant-based than we used to. If trying to go plant-based is on your agenda, and you’re not sure where to begin, here’s your go-to guide Writing | Jenna Farmer

hether you’re wanting to eliminate meat from your diet completely, or just shift the focus of your plate to all things plant (such as fruits and vegetables), undertaking a big diet change can be tricky. We’ve all heard of the health benefits of focusing on plant-based food, with diets that emphasise them having been linked to a reduced risk of heart disease and diabetes, as well as healthy body weight and lowering blood pressure. “Plant-based diets tend to be naturally higher in foods integral to a healthy diet – including fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts, seeds and legumes,” says nutritionist Xuxa Milrose. “Because of this, plant-based diets are often much higher in dietary fibre, and lower in saturated fats.”

It’s not just about health, though. Others opt for the switch for environmental reasons. Going plant-based has even been linked to helping fight climate change, according to United Nations (UN) experts, because of the fact it reduces land use and greenhouse gas emissions. In fact, transitioning to a plant-based diet could potentially reduce dietrelated greenhouse gas emissions by almost 50%, a 2022 study in the journal Nutrients found. But that doesn’t mean we know everything about going plantbased. Some of us may have questions about the switch, whether it’s figuring out meal planning, or wanting to make sure we pack in enough protein for our workouts. So, if you aren’t sure about how to get started, here’s a breakdown of what you need to know…

1. KNOW YOUR ‘WHY?’ While there are a tonne of benefits, it’s important to know what your motivation is for going plant-based. Choosing to change your diet because of a TikTok trend, and not actually doing your research, may make it a short-lived experiment. “If you have real motivation to transition to a more plantbased diet, whether it be for better health or environmental reasons, then you may not find it as much of a struggle compared to someone who isn’t really sure why they want to eat more plantbased. If you’re uncertain, I would suggest researching plant-based diets, watching documentaries, and reading literature on the benefits and impact,” says Xuxa. >>> happiful.com | Issue 81 | 75

2. LOOK BEYOND THE LABEL.

Think of eating plant-based as a general approach to eating, rather than a strict diet

Thanks to interest in going plant-based never being higher, there are more products to choose from. Having the word plant-based on the label doesn’t automatically make something healthy though, so you’re not going to get the health benefits we mentioned purely from swapping your regular ice cream to a tub of plant-based ice cream instead. In fact, to do it right, the key is focusing on naturally plantbased ingredients, rather than stocking up your pantry with alternatives. “There are many processed and ultra-processed foods that are marketed and labelled ‘plant-based’ in an attempt to appear healthier to consumers.

food & health

Focus on real, whole foods – where you don’t need to read the back of a packet to check the ingredients list,” Xuxa adds.

3. DO A NUTRITION AUDIT BEFORE YOU BEGIN. Let’s set the record straight: it’s perfectly possible to get everything you need from a plantbased diet, without worrying about supplements. However, like any new diet change, you need to make sure you don’t miss out. For example, if you know you’re prone to low vitamin B12, or need more calcium than the average person, it may take a little extra planning to get plant-based completely balanced. “Plant foods provide a vast range of important nutrients, and it is possible to thrive on a plantbased diet, and hit the required recommended intake of vitamins and minerals,” Xuxa says. “However, some animal food sources do serve as the highest, most accessible, and absorbable forms of vitamins like vitamin B12 and vitamin D, as these are naturally absent from the majority of plant foods. Omega-3 fatty acids are found in the highest amount in oily fish, and calcium is found in much larger amounts in dairy products.” The good news is there are plenty of easy ways to rectify this. “Plant-based alternatives contain some of these nutrients; walnuts, chia, and flaxseed contain omega-3, and soy products, nuts, seeds, beans, and green leafy veg contain good levels of calcium,” Xuxa says. “However, it takes

careful planning and a varied diet to ensure you’re getting a sufficient amount. You will also likely need to supplement B12, so consult a professional to make sure that you aren’t deficient, and for advice on dosage.”

4. IT’S NOT ALL OR NOTHING. While some may thrive on 100% plant-based, others may find it trickier – especially if they have health challenges, or nutritional deficiencies. If you’ve gone full plant-based and aren’t seeing the benefits, that doesn’t mean you need to ditch it, you may just need a different approach. “Think of eating plant-based as a general approach to eating, rather than a strict diet. The goal should be to try to incorporate as many plant foods into your meals as possible,” advises Xuxa. Plant-based diets are usually higher in fibre, which is great for our health, but suddenly ramping it up may cause digestive discomfort, like bloating, if your system is sensitive, or you have a condition such as irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). “Give your taste buds and gut a chance to adjust,” Xuxa adds. “Start slowly, and make small adjustments. Instead of cutting out all animal products at once, pick a couple of swaps to try to implement each week.”

5. GET CREATIVE WITH MEAT SWAPS IN THE KITCHEN. It’s not just about adding plants to your plate, it’s about using

Xuxa Milrose is a nutritionist with an integrative and holistic approach to healthcare. Find out more on the Nutritionist Resource.

them creatively to make all kinds of delicious meals that mean you won’t miss your meat staples. “Use lentils and beans to make burgers, use oyster mushrooms or jackfruit to emulate pulled pork, use lentils and mushrooms in place of mince to make a bolognese, and scramble tofu instead of eggs to have on toast. Turn to social media – there are hundreds of excellent content creators posting recipes online, showing you how to eat more plant-based,” says Xuxa. Going more plant-based can bring real benefits to your health and the environment, but like any lifestyle change, learning more, taking it at your own pace, and listening to your body are key to enjoying a plant-based diet. When making any big changes to your diet, it is important to speak to your GP for tailored advice. Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease, and blogs at abalancedbelly.co.uk happiful.com | Issue 81 | 77

How to use ‘sensehacking’ to

boost your wellbeing From soothing soundscapes to beneficial scents, there are simple ways we can curate our sensory input Writing | Jenny Oldaker

ause for a moment and think about the uplifting scent of coffee on a sundappled morning, the feel of a cool breeze tickling your bare skin, or the rhythmic sound of waves crashing on the shore… We tend to think about happiness in terms of big life events or specific occasions, but on a day-to-day level, it is arguably the experiences that we derive from our five senses that offer the purest form of enjoyment. This is the backbone of ‘sensehacking’ – a technique that taps into the power of our senses, and sensory stimulation, to improve our wellbeing. The term was coined by experimental psychologist

Professor Charles Spence. His book, Sensehacking: How To Use The Power Of Your Senses For Happier, Healthier Living, explores the huge influence our senses wield in all aspects of our lives and how, by ‘hacking’ them to unlock the pleasurable side of sensory stimuli, we can become happier, less stressed, and more productive. So, how can we start to use it?

Increase the positives

“From the moment we are born until the last breath we take, sensation is fundamental to our existence,” writes Charles Spence. “Everything we perceive, experience, and know comes to us through our senses.” As such, sight, smell, hearing, touch, and taste have a massive influence on our lives, and while

we can’t realistically cut out all the information and distractions that bombard us each day, we can be proactive in increasing positive sensory experiences. From soothing soundscapes to beneficial scents, or the use of colour to improve our mood (whether in our choice of paint colours at home, or ‘dopamine dressing’ in shades that make us feel good), there are simple ways we can curate our sensory input.

The nature effect

We spend the vast majority of our lives indoors. One of the most powerful ways to sensehack our daily experience is getting out into nature more often. It’s a theme that runs through Spence’s book, and

there are reams of research backing up the potency of ‘the nature effect’. Even small doses of nature have been shown to improve wellbeing, so going for a walk in local green space is a simple way to calm busy brains, and reset overloaded systems. However, it is vital that we do more than passively wander; we need to engage with the experience through our senses, tuning-in to sights, sounds, textures, and smells.

Hacks for the home

Given the fact that many of us are spending so much of our time inside, it’s worth making our home environment as pleasurable as possible for the senses. Whether you do this through scent – bunches of flowers and scented candles are obvious hacks – or through soundscapes that help make you feel more relaxed or more

energised, it takes just an instant to enhance your sensory experience at home. Paint colour and lighting play a part, too. Colours from the cooler side of the colour wheel, such as blues or greens, are associated with calm, while browns and taupes are thought of as rich and comforting, and bold, warm shades like reds and yellows are typically linked to stimulating, cheerful energy. Incorporating contrasting materials and textures into our homes helps to exude a sense of warmth and balance, while researchers have also pointed to the subconscious benefits of rounded forms, which convey a more welcoming effect than angular furniture and objects.

Savour the feel-good

The beauty of sensehacking is that it’s totally intuitive and can be incorporated into our

lives in so many easy ways. We simply need to be attentive to our senses, and the specific stimuli that make our lives calmer and more innately enjoyable. The fundamental message is to savour the things that make you feel good. Be mindful of the tingle on your skin under a steaming hot shower; luxuriate in the mouthfeel of a creamy dessert; breathe in the zingy scent of chopped herbs as you cook; absorb the thudding pulse of a drumbeat during your workout. As Charles Spence explains in his book: “By avoiding sensory overload, sensory imbalance, and sensory conflict, every one of us has the tools at our disposal to live happier, healthier, and more fulfilling lives.” It’s time we began paying attention to the power of our senses, and harnessed them to make our daily lives more mindful and, ultimately, more joyful. happiful.com | Issue 81 | 79

Moving with the times Cost of living forcing you to rethink your living situation? Whether you’re downsizing, stressed about cutting back, or moving home, here’s how to handle a big life change Writing | Victoria Stokes

hen was the last time you checked your bank balance while peeking through your fingertips? If you’re feeling the squeeze right now due to the cost of living crisis – like two-thirds of people surveyed in an Ipsos poll, FYI – then the answer is probably ‘recently’. And if you’re feeling particularly stressed about money, you may have had to make some tough choices about how you live your life. You might be thinking about moving back in with your parents to save on rent and bills (where feasible), relocating to a cheaper part of the country so you can make some headway on saving for a house deposit, or considering taking on a lodger so you can split your bills. These changes may relieve some of the financial pressure you’re under, but they can be incredibly challenging in terms of how you view yourself, and the way your life is panning out. They can be particularly tough 80 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

on your mental health if you feel you’re majorly deviating from your personal ‘five-year plan’ that you envisioned. Chartered psychologist Catherine Hallissey notes that there is a significant emotional and psychological impact when your financial situation forces you to make a big life change. Not only can money worry put you in a state of anxiety and stress, the compromises it forces you to make can cause a disconnect between what you want from life, and what you’re actually able to achieve. “There can be a sense of failure for not matching up to where you thought you would be,” Catherine explains. On top of that, as Catherine adds, there’s a stigma associated with financial strain, and you might be worried about what others think. Perhaps ‘comparisonitis’ has set in. Katie (32), an HR executive, can relate. She’s just relocated

to Durham, to move back in with her parents after six years of living in London, and says the decision to move certainly wasn’t an easy one. “I kind of felt like I was being backed into a corner. With the price of everything going up, it was getting increasingly hard to pay my rent in London, and I had a wake-up call one day when I realised the pressure of it all was making me really miserable and stressed.” For Katie, one of the biggest things to contend with during her move was the disappointment of her life not looking the way she expected it to at her age. “I kind of thought I’d be selfsufficient in my early 30s; I’d have this high-flying career, a gorgeous flat in London, and plenty of money to support myself. It’s been difficult to accept that isn’t my reality, and it’s certainly had an impact on my mental health and feelings of self-worth.”

wellbeing

Katie says if she wasn’t under financial pressure, she probably never would have made the decision to move home. But you can take hope from her experience, because, in spite of everything, she’s really glad she did – and says her mental health is better for it. “Prices are still rising, but without the strain of paying my own rent and bills, I feel the pressure is off a bit.,” Katie says. “This change has allowed me to have a little more wiggle room when it comes to spending.” If you’re facing a similarly tough decision, it might help you to know that there’s often opportunity in change – even when that change is one that feels like it has been forced upon you. A case in point? Katie says her recent move has been great for her overall wellbeing, because it’s allowed her to discover new sides of her personality. “I’ve really been embracing rural living, and seeing this as an opportunity to explore different parts of myself. I was a city girl for so long – let’s see what ‘rural Katie’ is like,” she laughs. “I can’t believe I’m feeling so positive and upbeat about this change, after being so reluctant to make the move.” That’s often the nature of life, isn’t it? You don’t always get what you want, and things don’t always go as planned, but more often than not, we learn to adapt to our surroundings, and can even thrive in them. Catherine Hallissey believes a change in perspective is key when navigating these big life changes. “One of the most >>> happiful.com | Issue 81 | 81

powerful things a person can do is get support to help them see things another way,” she says. That might mean reaching out to a therapist, or chatting to your most upbeat mate in a bid to find the positives. You could focus on the benefits you’ll experience right now – like improved finances, more time with family, or the excitement of a fresh start – or you could focus on the bigger picture. “The actions you’re taking towards improving your financial position should be seen as a gift to your future self,” Catherine notes. “While you may be struggling at the moment, the changes you’re making right now will bring about positive change at some point in the future.” In other words, it’s a short-term sacrifice for long-term gain. Another way to navigate this new chapter? Be proactive in embracing it. Plan for it as though it’s an exciting move, rather than a compromise. You could make plans with your old friends if you’re moving back home, buy some cute storage solutions if you’re downsizing, or create a bucket list of scenic spots to visit if you’re moving to a more affordable part of the country. If you still feel like this big life change is a step backwards, Catherine advises setting goals that will give you a sense of purpose. 82 | Issue 81 | happiful.com

Maybe now that you aren’t under so much financial pressure, you can start making some headway on the financial goals you’ve had to put off. Perhaps, you simply want to use this time to work on personal achievements, like scaling the career ladder, or picking up a new hobby. Catherine says having realistic goals like these, with a timeline for achieving them, may keep any niggles you have about falling behind in life at bay. When you deviate from the life path you set out for yourself, it’s all too easy to see it as failure or regression. But this time is tough enough without giving yourself

a verbal bashing. Besides, when you really think about it, you should be giving yourself a massive pat on the back for taking such a brave step. “Taking action means you’re not allowing yourself to be a victim in this situation. Instead, you’re actively trying to turn things around, and get back on your feet again financially,” Catherine says. Life swerves are tricky to contend with, but maybe we can change how we view them, and see them as an opportunity to start over, alleviate pressure, and learn more about ourselves, rather than a sign of personal failure.

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