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DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING
One step closer
ISSUE 62 £5.99
*PSST...*
THE SECRETS TO SELF-LOVE
The voyage starts within
How to find the healing path that's right for you
WHAT'S YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE? Try our quiz to discover yours YOGA NIDRA • SELF-MASTERY • SLOW DOWN TIME •
You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step MARTIN LUTHER KING JR Photography | Mak Flex
2 | Issue XX | happiful.com
Pace yourself
When it comes to the spectrum of emotions, it’s the contrast that lets us truly feel alive. As hard as it can be, pain and hurt are a reflection of how deeply we love. Those moments of frustration and anger signal to us when something is off-balance. And laughter that echoes through our bodies with so much joy that it feels as if our hearts could burst, gives us something to hold on to through testing times. Being able to live with pain, or move forward from it, is no easy feat though. There is no universal handbook to healing, or timeline to feel an inner transformation. It’s about finding our own path, even if it takes us a few tries to head down the right one for ourselves.
Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge
This issue is all about helping you through that healing journey, holding your hand as we take those initial steps forward together – whenever you are ready. From understanding your love language to help you communicate better on p17, to pressing ‘pause’ on perfectionism on p66, we want this issue to help you tune-in to your needs. Plus, on p24, we’re exploring self-compassion, and how the answers come from within as we journey towards a better relationship with ourselves.
I can’t help but think of an incredibly touching quote by actor Andrew Garfield. When speaking about his mother, who had sadly died, he said: “I hope this grief stays with me because it’s all the unexpressed love that I didn’t get to tell her. And I told her every day. We all told her every day.” The reality is, there will never be enough time. So don’t waste a moment denying your true feelings, or struggling with how, or if, you should express them. This is your rallying call to live and love unconditionally, to trust that, eventually, the hurt will heal, and some day it will feel like it all makes sense. Together, we can find the courage to take that first step forward. Just go at your own pace...
At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society is at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq
REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR
I | @happiful_magazine
The next step 24 Your transformation
Make the journey to the new you a kind and fulfilling one
34 Bee inspired
24
52 Will Young
The singer, author, and actor on self-mastery and the reality of fame
56 Express yourself
What's holding you back?
66 How to feel good enough Why letting go of perfectionism could be for the best
Relationships 17 Speakin' my language
How can love languages help us improve our relationships?
22 Parenting in practice Grace Victory explores motherhood and identity
41 There for one another
Is it time to really connect with your neighbours?
72 The secret to self-love Deepen that connection
Culture 8 Good news
Uplifting stories to make you smile
13 The wellbeing wrap 48 Try something new 71 Trending page-turners
Positive pointers 14 What is habit stacking?
17
Your game-plan for change
65 Compost like a pro 73 Your permission to play 76 How to slow down time Ways to savour every moment
34
Try this at home 16 Cloud watching for calm 60 Conversation starters 79 Try yoga nidra 82 Take back the narrative
66
Wellbeing
52
20 Taking to the skies
Tips for making flying fly by when you have a mental illness
28 Let's talk about suicide
The things you need to know about suicide and where to get support
31 The cost of living How to stay well when money's on your mind
41
38 ADHD homework tips
Techniques to support your child
58 Talking about baby loss How to do it, sensitively
Food & health 45 Lifting the lid
Is toilet anxiety controlling your life?
50 Follow your gut
31
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Expert review Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively. The journey of life – the highs, the lows, and all of the bits in between – is partly about accepting the rough with the smooth, but how do we do this? Head over to p24 for some excellent insight on how you can enjoy life’s ride, and find a deeper connection with the self while doing so. There is no script for our experience as human beings, nobody has it all figured out – this is the reality. While this may sound daunting for some, there also exists a beauty within this; the beauty of you and your ability to grow.
Make your gut microbiota happy with this super salad recipe
RAV SEKHON
61 The low-down 'down there'
Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.
What you really need to know about vaginal health
BA MA MBACP (Accred)
Our team
Expert Panel Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue CLAIRE ELMES
KANIKA TANDON
BA (Hons) PGDip MANLP MBACP
Dip CHyp HPD PNLP MNCH NCFE
Claire is a therapist and life coach specialising in balance.
Kanika is a transformational coach and a cognitive hypnotherapist.
EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer Grace Victory, Bhavna Raithatha | Columnists Lucy Donoughue | Head of Multimedia Ellen Lees | Head of Content Natalie Holmes | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor
DR LIZ SPARKES
SOHAILA SOPHIA
ART & DESIGN
BSc (Hons) MSc PhD HCPC IAPC&M
BA (Hons) HDip NLP
Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product
Dr Sparkes is a health psychologist, intuitive coach, and meditation practitioner.
Sohaila is a personal performance life coach and NLP practitioner.
Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator
COMMUNICATIONS
Alice Greedus | PR Manager
BEVERLEY BLACKMAN BA MA RSPP UKCP
Beverley is a psychotherapist and clinical director of Beverley Blackman Associates.
SAMANTHA PHILLIS BA BMidwif DipCouns DipHb(KGH) CertCBT
Samantha is a counsellor, midwife, and hypnobirthing teacher.
CONTRIBUTORS
Erica Crompton, Paul Williams, Ben Isaacson, Caroline Butterwick, Claire Hunter, Jenna Farmer, David Levy, Uma Dismore-Tuli
SPECIAL THANKS
Claire Elmes, Beverley Blackman, Kanika Tandon, Dr Liz Sparkes, Emma Humphrey, Sohaila Sophia, Shonagh M Terry, Samantha Phillis, Keith Howitt
MANAGEMENT
EMMA HUMPHREY
CLAIRE HUNTER
BA MA Dip
DipNT
Emma is a wellness and personal development coach.
Claire is a holistic nutritionist specialising in digestive health.
Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
SUBSCRIPTIONS For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk
CONTACT
DAVID LEVY
SHONAGH M TERRY
MBACP
NHC Dip CAH CNHC FCIPD
David is a counsellor and writer, working in London and online.
Shonagh is a hypnotherapist who specialises in anxiety.
BEN ISAACSON
BHAVNA RAITHATHA
BA MA PGCertEd ACC
BSc (Hons) MSc MBACP (Accred)
Ben is an ADHD coach and former school teacher.
Bhavna is a psychotherapist, coach, supervisor, and trainer.
Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com
HAPPIFUL FAMILY Helping you find the help you need. Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory
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Find help CRISIS SUPPORT If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org
Head to happiful. for more com se and supprvices ort
GENERAL LISTENING LINES SANEline SANEline offers support and information from 4.30pm–10.30pm: 0300 304 7000 Mind Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk Switchboard Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt
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CONNECT WITH A LIFE COACH Learn more about life coaching and connect with a professional using lifecoach-directory.org.uk
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INFORMATION ON ADHD To find out more about ADHD, and to access advice and services, visit adhdfoundation.org.uk
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SUPPORT FOR BABY LOSS For support and information on stillbirth and neonatal death, visit sands.org.uk or call 0808 164 3332
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DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING
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THE SECRETS TO SELF-LOVE
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The voyage starts within
suitable donation to a forestry charity. Happiful is a brand of Memiah Limited. The opinions, views and values expressed in
How to find the healing path that's right for you
Happiful are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values. Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only. We work hard to achieve the highest possible editorial standards, however if
WHAT'S YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE? Try our quiz to discover yours
YOGA NIDRA � SELF-MASTERY � SLOW DOWN TIME �
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CHARITY
Avast ye: Charity sets sail for blue health It truly is incredible what being near ‘blue spaces’, such as the sea, can do for our mental health – and in a swashbuckling move to tap into this health-boosting booty, mental health charity Sea Sanctuary has welcomed its latest team member: Irene, a 30-metre, historic ship. Based in Falmouth, Cornwall, and crewed by a skipper, first mate, deckhand, chef, and therapists, Irene will help Sea Sanctuary in its unique quest to support people’s mental health by connecting them with the peacefulness of the sea. 8 | Issue 62 | happiful.com
Under the close watch of the crew, participants will be able to get involved with all aspects of sailing, from hoisting the sails to taking the helm, alongside therapists who will use psychological tools to support and improve wellbeing. “The Sea Sanctuary theory is simple: the awe and wonder of the sea, combined with psychological therapy, and the invigorating adventure of sailing, is a recipe for improving health outcomes, regardless of age, gender, or demographic,”
says Joseph Sabien, CEO. “Our sailing days and residential therapeutic voyages are perfect for organisations looking to improve the mental health of their employees.” What’s more, any profits are used to subsidise the cost of supporting those in the local community who would not be able to afford it otherwise. So, it seems like Sea Sanctuary has its sights set on a bright horizon. Weigh anchor! Visit seasanctuary.org.uk for more. Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
Photography | Sea Sanctuary
The Uplift
COMMUNITY
Pensioner tackles Derby 10K in memory of childhood sweetheart They say true love always finds a way. And that seems to be the case for 79-year-old Edward Porter, who first met his wife Ivy when the two were teenagers in South Africa, before going their separate ways. Two marriages and years later, the couple reunited and moved to the UK. “Ivy was the love of my life,” Edward shared. “Sadly, not long after we moved, Ivy was diagnosed with cancer and passed away.”
To honour her memory, Edward signed up to take part in the annual Derby 10K to raise money for Derbyshire-based end-of-life charity, Treetops Hospice. But this wasn’t the first time he has run to raise money for the local hospice in memory of friends and family with life-limiting illnesses. Since settling in the UK, Edward has volunteered and continued to run in park sessions across the country each weekend.
“I run every day. I did the Derby 10K in 1hr 26mins last year, but I’m hoping to get under 1hr 20 this time.” Fundraising for small charities can make a big difference. Raising money for local hospices means that someone’s end of life remains comfortable, surrounded by friends and family. So why not dust off your trainers and see how you could help support your local community? Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
FUNDRAISING
Photography | Nicky Johnston
Louise Pentland launches NSPCC #NowIKnow campaign The NSPCC has been the UK’s leading children’s charity for more than 130 years, but it can be scary for young people to call Childline for the first time. In a bid to encourage kids to reach out for support, the NSPCC teamed up with Louise Pentland – parent vlogger, broadcaster, and best-selling author – to launch the #NowIKnow campaign. The entirety of April was dedicated to spreading awareness and raising £30,000 for the charity, which is the amount it costs to fund Childline for one day. Louise knows first-hand how difficult it can be to build up the courage to call. Following the death of her mother when
Louise was seven years old, she was subjected to physical and emotional abuse. She never considered calling Childline, concerned that her conversation wouldn’t be confidential. On her fundraising page, Lousie writes: “I wish I had known to call them. Now I know.” It was for this reason that Louise made it her mission to shine a light on Childline’s confidentiality policy. The policy promises that it is a safe place to talk anonymously, with the exception that if those taking the call are concerned about the young person and believe their life is in danger, they will need to tell the police or social services.
Donations raised through the #NowIKnow campaign will fund Childline on Friday 10 June to mark Childhood Day. Find out more and donate by visiting childline.org.uk Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird happiful.com | Issue 62 | 9
10 | Issue 62 | happiful.com
COVID
The silver lining of the pandemic revealed They say without darkness, there would be no light. Well, for many the pandemic has been a dark time, but the World Happiness Report is revealing some bright spots of hope. Surveying around 1,000 people from more than 150 countries, the World Happiness Report looks at what impacts our happiness globally. The study authors note that in 2021 there was an increase in the support people showed each other, finding growth in all three acts of kindness monitored. “Helping strangers, volunteering, and donations in 2021 were strongly up in every part of the world, reaching levels almost 25% above their pre-pandemic prevalence,” says economist John Helliwell from the University of British Columbia, in Canada. “This surge of benevolence, which was especially great for the helping of strangers, provides powerful evidence that people respond to help others in need, creating in the process more happiness for the beneficiaries, good examples for others to follow, and better lives for themselves.” Overall, however, stress, worry, and sadness have increased, and the report states the pandemic is having a “tangible impact” on lives and happiness. So, there’s no doubt that the cloud of the pandemic is still above us, but it seems acts of kindness and focusing on the strength of humanity might just help the light break through. Writing | Kat Nicholls
happiful.com | Issue 62 | 11
Take 5
Get your thinking caps ready for this issue’s captivating conundrums
Sudoku
Fill in the grid so that each row, column, and every one of the 3x3 subgrids contain the digits 1 to 9
ou do? How did y ies' at reeb Search 'f piful.com shop.hap s, e answer to find th ! and more
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Can you decipher the famous song lyrics from the following emojis?
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2 3
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The
wellbeing wrap New emojis have been released, helping you to express yourself – including heart hands, holding back tears, and a low battery
Endurance athlete Kate Jayden, from Derbyshire, has achieved what sounds impossible, by running a marathon every day for 100 consecutive days. The world record-breaking feat raised almost £25,000 for charities, including the Refugee Council.
Three-minute rule
Psychologists say you can put off procrastinating by approaching dreaded tasks for three-minutes at a time. Manageable chunks can help these tiresome chores feel less overwhelming. Three, two, one, go!
A bloom with a view An artist has raised $145,000+ for charity to support Ukraine by selling a Lego-style figure of President Volodymyr Zelensky
An incredible building has been proposed to join the iconic New York skyline, with the concept of ‘pushing the limits’ of sustainable construction. The ‘Lilly’ features a 521ft high (41-storey) tower coated in a layer of Asiatic lilies. These plants will bloom in vibrant shades of red, orange, and yellow in spring, and revert to green throughout the rest of the year, bringing nature straight into the concrete jungle. Who needs flower power when you can have a flower tower?
Time to tinkle the ivories? The world’s first space hotel, named Voyager Station, is set to open in 2027
A movie filmed in 2015 won’t be released until 2115 – and is being dubbed ‘The Movie You Will Never See’
We all know that learning to play an instrument can be beneficial, but new research suggests it can actually help protect against dementia. The study looked at the impact of piano practice on those aged 60 and over, discovering it can strengthen white matter in brains, which degrades when memory problems arise. Play it again, Sam. In an effort to address the rise in rates of domestic abuse in the UK, a new national register of domestic abusers is set to be launched. The system will ensure that police alert people if they buy a house or open a bank account with a convicted domestic abuser. There’s a long way to go, but this move is a step in the right direction.
Stuck in the mud?
A poll by Persil found that many kids are clueless when it comes to classic playground games – with 81% never having played leapfrog, 66% never trying conkers, and 72% not knowing Pooh sticks. Perhaps it’s time to embrace the outdoors, and get stuck in with fun – tag, anyone?
Flipping fantastic
The UK has a new daredevil; Benjamin Sleet, 12, became the first person in the UK to do a backflip in a wheelchair. Born with spina bifida, Benjamin was introduced to wheelchair motorcross aged just eight, and is already breaking records and dropping jaws!
In celebration of Queen Elizabeth II’s Platinum Jubilee this year, The Reading Agency has compiled a list of 70 top titles to add to your bookshelf – 10 for each decade of the Queen’s reign. The list includes The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, The Handmaid’s Tale, and Girl, Woman, Other. What a royallygood read!
Music to my ears
What springs to mind when I ask you to think about a truly great guitar riff? Odds are you’re in agreement with a survey by Muse Group, which found that Guns N’ Roses ‘Sweet Child O’Mine’ has the most iconic riff, followed by ‘Eye of the Tiger’ by Survivor, and ‘Another One Bites the Dust’ by Queen. Sounds like a good excuse to crack on some classic tunes – rock on!
What is habit stacking?
Is it possible to build new habits by taking advantage of old ones? Writing | Becky Wright
W
hen you’re trying to make a change, whether it’s wanting to improve your work performance, make healthier choices, or to save more money, one of the challenges is ensuring the changes stick. It’s hard. Behaviour change requires discipline and, when life is busy, it’s all too easy to find excuses that prevent you from making new routines and lifestyle choices a priority. But you do have something at your disposal that can help – your current daily habits. Yes, one of the most efficient ways to build new behaviours is to identify an existing habit that you can ‘stack’ a new behaviour on top of. Habit stacking is a form of implementation intention and, according to life coach and therapist Claire Elmes, it’s one of the most effective techniques you can use for successfully introducing new habits. “The idea is to use an already existing habit to help organise your new habits sensibly and logically,” says Claire. “The existing behaviour acts as a ‘trigger’, so you are teaching your brain that, when
14 | Issue 62 | happiful.com
Illustrating | Rosan Magar
you have completed your existing habit, you then do your new one.”
How does habit stacking work? The habit stacking formula is simple: ‘After/before [current habit], I will [new habit].’ It could be: – Before I brush my teeth each morning, I will meditate for two minutes. – After I sit down to eat dinner, I will think of one positive thing that happened today. – Before I turn the light off at night, I will kiss my partner. Habit stacking works because your current habits are well-ingrained. “Tagging new habits onto ones that we do unconsciously allows the process to feel manageable and achievable,
allowing more chances for success,” says Claire. Once you get the hang of it, you can start to create larger stacks by linking more and more habits together. You can even create general habit stacks to guide you whenever the situation is appropriate. For example: – If I see a set of stairs, I will take them instead of using the lift/ escalator. – When I go to a party, I will introduce myself to someone I don’t know. – If I buy a new item of clothing, I will donate one to charity.
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Why do we need habits?
Tips for success with habit stacking 1. Look at the bigger picture Where and when you choose to place a habit into your routine is important. You need to think about the best window of opportunity for when you’re most likely to be successful. “If you’re looking to include 10 minutes of yoga in your day, it would be helpful to consider where this will naturally fit into your routine,” advises Claire. “It might be as soon as you wake up, after getting dressed, when you’re having a cup of tea/coffee, or when you’re fully ready. You might decide that after you make your coffee, you’ll do your 10 minutes of yoga while it’s cooling down, and then you can drink your coffee.” 2. Be specific with your cue Goals like ‘read more’ or ‘eat healthier’ are worthy causes, but the intention isn’t specific enough – there’s no instruction on how and when to act. The key to
success is avoiding this ambiguity and having a clear trigger. It could be that you leave a book underneath the TV remote, so when you sit down for an evening you can easily pick up a good read instead of streaming a show. Don’t underestimate the power of a cue – habit stacking works best when the cue is definitive and immediately actionable. 3. Consider the frequency The cue should also have the same frequency as your new habit. So, if you want to develop a daily habit but you stack it with a habit that happens only once or twice a week, you’re not setting yourself up for success. And don’t ask yourself to take on a new habit when you’re likely to be occupied with something else. For example, if you’re thinking of adding something into your morning routine, but your mornings are already chaotic, then that may be the wrong place and time. But remember, this is an ongoing effort to create healthy lifestyle changes – so go easy on yourself if you slip up. Changing a behaviour is hard, no matter how good your intentions are. Habit stacking can allow you to create
When developing new habits, Claire says it’s important to consider why we need them in the first place. “We have more than 6,000 thoughts per day and our brain has to delete, distort, and generalise these to enable us to make sense of our day. “We need automatic ‘schemas’ – habits, ‘how to’ scripts – to enable us to place many of these thoughts on autopilot. For example, you probably put your clothes on in the same order each day without even thinking about it. Habits stop us from having to think about every single thing we need to do.”
a set of simple rules that guide your future behaviour, providing you with a game plan for which action should come next. But, ultimately, your desire for change must be strong enough to motivate you to stick with your new stack, until the behaviour becomes ingrained. The simple fact that you’re trying is a step in the right direction though, and if you keep in mind why you want to make these changes, eventually it will all stack up. Good luck!
Claire Elmes is an emotional wellbeing coach and therapist specialising in balance. Find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 62 | 15
A mindful moment: cloud watching Take some time to be present; the benefits of mindfulness are sky-high
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loud watching: it’s an activity you can do from almost anywhere – whether it’s a window, the park, or your garden – and doesn’t cost a thing. Simply focus on the present world outside, and allow yourself a few mindful moments of respite. A particularly enjoyable way to try this is on a day when you can lay a blanket down and take your time looking up at the sky – but, remember, safety first: never look directly at the sun, and wear sunglasses and SPF! Here, we’re sharing four simple ways to connect with the moment.
1. Describe what you see. Can you determine the type of clouds you can see today? How fast would you say they are travelling? How would you describe them – their colour, size, shape? Do they evoke a certain mood or feeling for you? 2. Predict the weather. Based on the clouds you can see, and their colour, can you guess what might transpire with the weather today? Is there a certain atmosphere in the air – is rain on the way, or a dusting of snow? Is there a gentle breeze, or a sense of calm with the sun streaming through? 16 | Issue 62 | happiful.com
Types of clouds
3. Look for shapes. This can be a great way to get kids involved, or to try with a friend. Simply set a category (such as animals), and see what you can identify within that topic area, or who can spot the most! 4. Make up stories. Can you see a certain shape? Use this as inspiration to start a story – perhaps you can pick a few random things resembled by the clouds above and combine them in a tale. This can be a fab solo activity – there’s no judgement of where your story goes – or to engage kids with nature. The sky’s the limit.
• Cumulus: these are the classic images you probably have in mind when you think of the word ‘cloud’. The tops are rounded and fluffy, and bright white when the sun shines, while the bottoms will be flatter, and a darker hue. • Stratus: almost like a layer of fog in the sky, these clouds hang relatively low, are grey in colour, and have few notable features - they are almost like blanket in the air, often on drizzly days. • Cirrocumulus: patches of clouds that appear high in the sky, which appear almost textured. • Nimbostratus: when it’s raining hard outside, you’ll most likely see these. They’re dark grey and coat the sky, and are thick enough to block out the sun. • Cirrus: appearing very high in the sky, these clouds appear as thin, white, wispy strands.
relationships
What’s your
love
language? Could the signs that you love someone be getting lost in translation? Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
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o matter how much we love our partners, sometimes, it can feel like we get tongue-tied expressing it, or that we’re reading signals the wrong way. We may know that communication is key to a healthy, lasting relationship, but are you communicating in a way that matters most to your partner?
What are the five love languages? Developed in the 1990s by author and counsellor Gary Chapman, the five love languages are a method of explaining the different ways people like to express and receive love. These include: • Acts of service • Physical touch • Quality time • Gift giving • Words of affirmation
But can learning about our partner’s love language really help us communicate? Psychotherapist Beverley Blackman explains more. “Learning each other’s love languages (we usually have two preferences that stand out) can help you understand your partner better,” says Beverley. “In the early days of a relationship, a person may be looking for a particular behaviour as validation that the relationship is heading in the right direction. If both partners are aware of their own and their partner’s love language, then it gives them an opportunity to understand them better. “All love languages are important as everyone is different, and has their own way of expressing affection. It’s little acts of connection that keep a relationship balanced, respectful, and affectionate.”
In essence, our love language is the way we prefer to share how we feel about those we are close to. By learning more about your own love language, as well as the way that your partner prefers to show their love, we can begin to avoid some miscommunication and misunderstandings, as we learn to look for signs that we might have been missing.
The five love languages explained Acts of service Who doesn’t like it when life feels that little bit easier? If your love language is acts of service, there’s nothing you value more than when your partner goes out of their way to make your life easier. Whether it’s making you breakfast, looking after you when you’re sick, or picking up an extra task or two around the house when you’re feeling >>> happiful.com | Issue 62 | 17
seeking out the perfect gift to make them feel loved and appreciated, not to mention the emotional impact that receiving a gift can bring. Gift-giving can be a physical, meaningful process when the gift being given is something that the giftee will feel a connection with. The key is to ensure it’s something that is all about the giftee – not the gifter.
Words of affirmation
exhausted or low, you firmly believe actions speak louder than words.
Physical touch What better way to feel close, than through getting close? Those whose love language is physical touch feel most loved when sharing physical signs of affection. This includes everything from holding hands and cuddling, through to kissing and having sex. Sharing physical touch can create a sense of intimacy that is not only affirming, but creates a powerful emotional connection, as well as a sense of warmth and comfort.
Quality time There’s no greater gift than the gift of time. If quality time is 18 | Issue 62 | happiful.com
your love language, you feel most appreciated when your partner wants to spend time with you. Active listening, eye contact, and having their full attention (without distractions of social media or other interruptions) are important. The key to meaningful quality time is spending it actively with your partner; that means shared activities or conversations, rather than just vegging out together without interacting.
Gift giving You can’t buy someone’s love – but gifts can act as a visual, tangible symbol of how you feel. The love language of receiving gifts isn’t about spending big; it’s about the thought behind each gift. Taking time to truly reflect on how well you know someone,
Words can be more powerful than you think. If words of affirmation are your preferred love language, you value verbal acknowledgements above all others. This could be in the form of compliments, encouragement, or words of appreciation. You prefer to hear ‘I love you’ frequently, and keeping in touch with your partner digitally through messages and social media interactions is as important as sharing your love in person.
Learning your love language While it’s not unusual for couples to have different love languages, learning what yours is can be a valuable way of better understanding each other. As Beverley explains, “It is important to understand how your partner ticks. This way, you understand they are showing affection in their own way. Without this understanding, you may end up feeling uncomfortable or distrustful. Communication is the cornerstone of every relationship, and observation is not far behind. Find a way to make both sets of love languages work for you.”
relationships
Start here
After planning a special night for my partner, I’d like…
A heartfelt thank you
I love it when they…
Share how proud they are of me
Hold me as we fall asleep
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
PHYSICAL TOUCH
To have 100% of their attention on our date
A goodnight kiss
The best night in ends when they…
I find it more meaningful when my partner…
Surprise me with breakfast in bed the next morning
ACTS OF SERVICE
Buys something that makes my life easier
QUALITY TIME
To me, the best gift is…
Something thoughtful I can keep and cherish
Love languages can be a helpful framework to help you learn about your partner, and how to best communicate your feelings for them
Spends screen-free time with me
Time together with my partner
GIFT GIVING
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Tips for flying when you have a mental illness Travelling by plane can be a uniquely challenging experience, so we’re sharing our tips to avoid any turbulence Writing | Erica Crompton
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he stress, lack of sleep, crowded airports, and culture shock of far-flung soils are all known triggers for those with mental illness. Some years ago, I attempted to board a flight to Ibiza, but had to check out at the last minute due to some mild hallucinations which make up part of my schizoaffective disorder – I thought I could see people from the past at the airport which disturbed me. According to the World Health Organisation, severe mental illness contributes to one in three health crises in air travel. There’s also been a paper in Psychiatric Times that looks into the subject of travelling with a severe mental illness, which says that 20% of travel incidents have been described as ‘psychotic’. All this to say: if you worry about air travel, you’re not alone. The good news is that, with some strong planning and the right tools for relaxation, you can travel safely and happily with a mental illness like mine.
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Since the ill-fated flight to Ibiza, I’ve flown to Barcelona and Belfast happily, calmly, and incident-free. With the help of transformational coach Kanika Tandon’s expert advice, we’re exploring some essential tips for flying with a mental illness.
1. Take your medication
It’s crucial that medication is factored into travel to prevent relapse. As luggage can sometimes be lost, you can take your medication in hand luggage to keep it near you at all times, which can give you some peace of mind. For the stay, a pharmacy can sort out a scheduled pack of medication for each day. Plus, don’t forget to order any repeat prescriptions in advance to cover your time away. Kanika supports these sentiments, adding that it’s important to factor in medication when you prepare for your flight: “Take all your necessary medication in advance and have all you might need.”
2. Stay calm and breathe
“Stay calm and take some deep breaths,” says Kanika. “Using exercises, such as square breathing [breathe in for the count of four, hold for four, breathe out for four, and hold for four] or 7-11 breathing [breathe in for the count of seven and out for the count of 11] to stay calm.” Some other tested ways to relax before, during, and after your journey are to order a camomile tea, take lavender oils to inhale, and listen to soothing music. I found leather recliners you could pay to relax on at Liverpool airport once. These had built-in massagers, and were helpful in soothing me before my journey.
3. Stay out of your mind
“Trying to engage in senses other than your thoughts can be a distraction to worry and panic,” says Kanika. “Staying out of your mind means that you keep all your five senses engaged. What do you see, feel, hear, taste, and smell during your journey?
wellbeing
Remember, always speak to your GP and seek medical support as a first step when it comes to addressing your mental health.
Order a camomile tea, take lavender oils to inhale, and listen to soothing music 5. Ask people for help
Other people can also be a real support at the airport, or to help calm jitters before a flight. Whether it’s taking a trusted friend to the airport for support, travelling with a loved one, or visiting a helpful neighbour pre-flight – the right people can and will reassure any travel nerves with humour or distracting anecdotes. Thanks to my boyfriend’s wonderful jokes, and my neighbour Sonya’s fine conversation and vegan pizza, I successfully and calmly made my flight to Belfast last year, and had the best holiday on arrival – as well as a happy flight home.
Any scents that you associate with relaxation can work well. For instance, peppermint, or lavender for staying calm.”
4. Try therapy
“You may wish to consult a therapist before you travel,” says Kanika. “Take tips from them as to what might be applicable for your situation.”
A type of therapist you may find helpful is one who is skilled in Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), where you rhythmically tap parts of your face and body to bring yourself back into your body. “You can ‘tap your way to wellness’ with EFT,” adds Kanika. “Tapping is an effective way to calm an active mind, and bring a sense of safety in the body.”
Kanika Tandon is a transformational coach and a cognitive hypnotherapist who assists career-oriented women achieve work-life balance, and find fulfilment in their professional and personal life. Connect with her using lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 62 | 21
Mum’s the word
Becoming a parent can flip your whole world upside down – with joy and laughter, exhaustion and new pressures – and if you’re finding it hard to recognise the person in the mirror, or the new life you’re adjusting to, you’re not alone. For those struggling with their identity after becoming a mum, our columnist Grace Victory has some words of comfort… Writing | Grace Victory
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he minute I found out I was pregnant, everything changed – I imagine that’s the same for most expectant mothers. The realisation that this little bundle of joy is growing inside of you fills you with emotions. I cut out certain foods, I limited my caffeine, I religiously took my vitamins, and overnight I became absolutely giddy at the thought of how life was about to be. And now that Cyprus has been Earth-side for nearly 16 months (how?), I can confidently say that life is beautiful, and chaotic, and wild, and bloody glorious. There are moments where I well-up just looking at his toes or hearing him giggle, and there are times I think “Wow… I am eternally grateful to be alive, and to see my baby grow up.” Being a mama is the best! It’s actually an honour to raise these tiny humans, and even more of an honour to recognise how much they look to you for, well… pretty much everything.
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But with all that being said, being a mama can be the hardest, most exhausting job in the world, too. From the minute Cyprus opens his eyes, to the minute he goes to bed, he is go, go, go. At 6am he’s babbling, shouting, laughing, and wanting to play. People were not wrong when they said you don’t know tiredness until you have kids! Your children become the centre of your world, whether that’s an entirely good thing or not. I know it’s important to still be you, but that honestly feels impossible at times. The moment you give birth, you are no longer your number one priority – they are. You literally have to keep this beautiful baby alive and, let’s face it, nobody actually tells you how? There is no manual to parenting that works for every parent and child across the board. I’m winging it. I’m winging it everyday, and trying my best to be a great mother. Some days I feel like
I’m bossing it. Other days I feel like I’m on a loop of “No,” “Don’t touch that,” “You’re going to hurt yourself,” and (my favourite) “Cyprus… why?!” I don’t get dressed some days. Other days, I do and then I end up with snot, tears, milk, or spaghetti hoops down me. Some evenings, I’m just too tired to cook myself a meal after Cyprus’ evening routine, so it’s either a takeaway, a sandwich, or mozzarella dippers from the freezer. There are moments of “Who am I?”, that can leave me feeling overwhelmed, underwhelmed, or completely deflated. Becoming a mother can often feel like you’ve lost yourself, or you’ve changed so much you don’t really recognise who you used to be. Maybe you’re exclusively breastfeeding, so your body doesn’t feel like yours anymore. Maybe a traumatic birth means you’re mothering and healing at the same time. Or maybe you
Photography | Krystal Neuvill
@GRACEFVICTORY
simply do not have the time to fill yourself up in the ways that you used to, therefore when the sun sets at the end of the day you are left feeling utterly empty. Becoming a mother can often become your entire identity, without you meaning it to. You become selfless and a home to your children, which leads you to forget that you are also a home to yourself. It feels somewhat selfish to want to be your own separate
person when your baby just wants to be with you, on you, or next to you at all times. I swear, if Cyprus could go back inside my womb, he would. I guess feeling somewhat lost is part and parcel of becoming a mum. It’s something some of us will find extremely difficult, while others are fine with. Being ‘somebody’s mum’ could be enough for someone, but completely shattering to another.
I sit somewhere in between. Most days, I’m OK being ‘mum’. Spending mornings at soft play, watching CBeebies, cleaning the floor three to four times a day, and rarely getting a full night’s sleep, because if he’s not hungry, he’s teething, and if he’s not teething, he simply wants to be near me, and you know what? I secretly love co-sleeping. But equally, I like solo brunches, facials with friends, and evenings out drinking mocktails. I would like to wear cream without the fear of his beautiful chocolatey face attacking my every limb, and to be able to sit and binge-watch Bridgerton. There are, of course, parts of my old life (pre-baby) that I miss and grieve – which is absolutely normal and a mother’s right to. I do, at times, feel lost and overcome with feelings of “What the f*** have I done, who the f*** am I, and will I ever f***ing feel like me again?” But if I’ve learnt anything in the past year and a half, it’s that life is precious, unpredictable, and being a mum is sacred. You have to embrace the chaos and give yourself grace when coming back to yourself. There is beauty in rediscovering who you are. So, to all you mamas out there who look in the mirror and do not recognise the person looking back, I get it. In solidarity, always.
Love Grace x happiful.com | Issue 62 | 23
Welcome to the new you We all deserve to embark on those first steps towards healing, but what does that look like in reality, and how can we learn to enjoy the ride? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
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any of us are on a journey towards healing and selftransformation. It might be following trauma, periods of ill-health, the end of a relationship, abuse, burnout, bereavement – or, perhaps, simply because we want to be better versions of ourselves. And change can happen. In fact, research published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin explored how most of us would like to change ourselves in some way, and that people who were able to do so, in ways that aligned with their desires, tended to experience increases in wellbeing over time as a result. Of course, though a hopeful reminder, those data-backed conclusions don’t completely capture the full picture of the healing journey – the good days and the bad days, the hurdles and uphill struggles – let alone
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Illustrating | Rosan Magar
the fact that healing is about so, so much more than just changing ‘something’ about yourself; it’s about tending to emotional wounds, unlearning unhelpful thought-patterns, grieving, forgiving, and learning. So, what can we do to make it a positive and successful experience?
Bon voyage Say you’re at the start of your healing journey, what are some common misconceptions that can hold you back? We put this to Dr Liz Sparkes, a health psychologist and life coach, and she answers by looking inwards. “I suppose the best way to address this is to reflect on my own misconceptions that I have become aware of,” she says. “It’s important to be gentle with yourself and there is no rush. Healing is most definitely not linear, and you haven’t failed if you find you are revisiting the
same issues or feelings. As long as you have awareness and take steps forward each time, that’s progress.” Treating yourself with kindness is more than just a pat on the back, it’s a whole shift in attitude, and it’s key to any journey with healing. But if ‘self-compassion’ feels out of reach for you sometimes, you can easily break it down into its practical elements. Self-compassion researcher Kristen Neff believes it has three main components: 1. S elf-kindness, or having the ability to refrain from harsh criticism. 2. The ability to recognise your own humanity, or the fact that each of us is imperfect and each of us experiences pain. 3. The ability to maintain a sense of mindfulness or unbiased awareness of experiences, even if they are painful. >>>
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While you’re working on your healing, how does your attitude stack up against these principles? What do you do well, and what might you need to consider working on as you move forward?
Off-trail “There is more than one route to the top of the mountain,” says Dr Sparkes. “It’s very empowering to realise that nobody else has the ultimate answers, they come from within.” She goes on to highlight the ways that we can do everything ‘right’ – access the right support, the right guidance, the right environment for healing and development – but, ultimately, this journey is about what works for you, as the individual you are. “This one tripped me up a few times previously, until I finally got it! This was a huge turning point for me in all areas of my life. I was searching for 26 | Issue 62 | happiful.com
Bumps in the road
Nobody else has the ultimate answers, they come from within the answers to my own healing and self outside of myself, but the best insights come from within, especially when held in a nurturing and supportive space.” If you’re wondering how you might be able to find those answers for yourself, you could try journaling (head to p83 for this month’s journaling prompts), creating a vision board, connecting with like-minded people, or just spending some quiet time reflecting on what you know to be true about yourself, and what those things can tell you about strategies that will work.
Now, if you’re healing from long-term, or even a lifetime of, emotional pain, it’s likely that your journey isn’t always going to be straightforward, and you might find yourself feeling frustrated and stilted. “I think one of the biggest challenges for most is around the concept of time,” Dr Sparkes says. “Feeling in a rush firstly can hamper your inner process; there really is no rush, and actually the best shifts and foundational changes occur gently.” Dr Sparkes also points out that we often require space and time for the process to take place, and creating that space can be a challenge – but it is so important. “Another typical challenge is trusting the process,” she continues. “Healing and transformation can be hard work, but also very empowering and strengthening.”
the next step
Along for the ride “Finding the right support, and method of support, is really valuable,” Dr Sparkes continues. “Sometimes, it takes a few trials of different processes of healing to find the right one. If the first few coaches/therapists/courses don’t quite feel right, don’t give up; use that insight to guide you to what does feel right.” As Dr Sparkes points out, an important part of the healing process is not to gloss over our issues, and to approach the journey from a place of absolute honesty. “Being able to feel that you can be completely honest with yourself, and also those holding the space for you, will allow much more change and deeper transformation,” she adds. “Like-minded friends have been life-changing for me, and this is probably one of the most
significant positive shifts for me. The more that you surround yourself with people who are aligned with you the more supported and at ease you feel while going through periods of transformation. Just showing up on courses, training, or retreats will support you to find those like-minded people.
The best shifts and foundational changes occur gently
your relationships, your work, your health, and your happiness? Undeniably, the path will be paved with challenges and difficulties, sometimes to the point where it may feel like too much to overcome. But Dr Sparkes has one last reminder: “Enjoy it. It’s hard not to want to get to ‘the end’, but actually the whole process is really a lifetime of transformation and shifting towards a deeper connection to the true self.”
The home stretch Through the hard times, ask yourself, what are you doing this for? What do you hope to achieve? What will healing change about your life, and the person you are? How will it affect
Dr Liz Sparkes is a health psychologist, intuitive coach, and meditation practitioner. Find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 62 | 27
TRIGGER WARNING: This article discusses sensitive topics that some readers may find distressing.
Suicide:
Bhavna Raithatha
BSc (Hons) MSc MBACP (Accred)
Bhavna is an international psychotherapist, coach, critical incidence debriefer, supervisor, and speaker who has worked with more than 17K clients in the past 25 years. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk
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uicide isn’t an easy topic to talk about, but many of us have been impacted by losing a loved one or friend, or know someone who has. That’s why it’s so important that we talk about it together. Here’s what I have learned though my work as a psychotherapist, clinical supervisor, critical incident debriefer, and survivor of multiple deaths by suicide in my family, and of my beloved best friend. Please take care of yourself as you read this, as you may get triggered. Suicide isn’t a new idea; the intentional ending of one’s own life has been practised throughout human history. It is a deeply evocative and provocative subject, and one unique to humans, so
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the legacy for those left behind The topic of suicide is incredibly sensitive, and distressing to discuss, but it’s only by breaking the stigma that we can bring the subject into the light, and ensure those in need get help as soon as possible
it’s not surprising that researchers clearly want to know the why, in order to answer questions about human cognition, and to understand free will and choice. Those left behind, also wondering why, want to make some sense of their bewilderment and devastation. The World Health Organisation estimates that there are more than 700,000 completed suicides each year around the world. In the UK, the Office for National Statistics reported a total of 5,224 deaths by suicide in England and Wales in 2020 (75.1% males). For every completed suicide, many more are attempted, and this is the single most important risk factor in future attempts.
Suicide is often the end point of a journey; an accumulation of experiences, related thoughts and feelings that result in a fatal choice. Ultimately, the fact is, each individual is precious and unique, with their own experience of the world and, try as we might, we may never pin-point why they took that path, even if we had the capacity to retrace every moment of their lives. I want to offer some definitions of suicide so that we can have a framework to use. Suicidal ideation is generally defined as thoughts about engaging in suicidal behaviour – wanting to cause intentional, intended, and fatal self-harm.
EXPERT COLUMN Feelings vary from mild to severe (mild thoughts that come and go and which are very common, to severe, i.e. having a clear plan). This can change from one extreme to the other within hours, or between one day and the next. Para suicide refers to engaging in highly risky and dangerous behaviours with absolute disregard for one’s own safety, or that of others. Examples include dangerous driving at excessive speeds, excessive drinking, drug overdoses, and picking fights despite the dangers involved. Suicide is the deliberate intent of employing one or more means to end one’s own life. Individuals with a history of previous failed attempts have been shown to have a significantly higher likelihood to end their lives through suicide. Impulsive suicide is often driven by extreme feelings in relation to major adverse events, such as a sudden (unexpected or traumatic) death of a loved one, loss of a relationship, home, status, or job. In some cases, this can be an act of absolute rage associated with wielding power, control, and to manipulate someone’s behaviour. For example, ‘If you leave me, I will kill myself.’ Non-impulsive suicides refer to those that have been meticulously planned by individuals, whose aim is to end their lives, who have no regrets about dying, >>> happiful.com | Issue 62 | 29
and absolutely intend to kill themselves regardless of any intervention offered. Everyone has, or will experience mental health issues in the course of their lives; we are living in a world that has changed drastically in the last few years, forcing us to adapt faster than at any point in human history. Deteriorating mental health is linked to an increased risk of suicide. When we are happy and thriving, we do not have any intention to harm ourselves – why would we? However, something may happen that affects this. Another risk factor focuses on children and young people with parents who abuse drugs and/or alcohol. This is further exacerbated if the person is bullied, abused or victimised at school, and feels they have no source of support. The risk of suicide is further amplified in young people identifying as part of the LGBTQ+ community who may be victimised or rejected by their family and friends. This spiral of chronic sadness, lasting for more than a month, can get very distressing and cause feelings of helplessness and hopelessness at not being able to have control over, or see a way out of the situation. So what can you do to help yourselves, and when should you seek professional help? 1. Speak with your GP or call Samaritans’ 24/7 helpline on 116 123 immediately upon realising something is 30 | Issue 62 | happiful.com
2.
3.
4.
5.
wrong, especially if you find yourself experiencing dark or unwanted thoughts. Identify and list what is going on for you, if something is off, or you are withdrawing from work, family, or friends. Consider: how is this different to your normal? Try to write out what you would expect in a normal day for you. Think about what has happened in your life to make you feel this way. This could be a recent experience, or something from the past triggered by something else at home, work, socially, or in the media. What support have you got around you, and how easily can you access it? For example family, friends, your GP, therapy, or a spiritual community that you trust to support you?
With these steps in mind, it’s crucial to set the record straight on some myths and misconceptions which might prevent someone from reaching out: • “Seeking help is weak.” No, seeking help is a very powerful thing to do to take control of the situation. • “I may be struggling emotionally, but I am doing something about it.” It’s vital to not downplay the situation or try to handle it on your own. There is support out there.
• “I don’t want to burden anyone.” If your friend was struggling, what would you want them to do? Talk to you, let you help them, or find someone who can? So, let them be there for you, too. • “I’m so useless, I can’t even cope with this!” Not being able to cope with something doesn’t make us useless. It makes us human, and at the last count, there were nearly 8 billion of us muddling our way through life, together. We all have limits, and sometimes we have to cope with so many things that it feels as if it is too much to bear. But know that sharing how you’re feeling or that you’re struggling is not a burden to loved ones – losing you would be far more distressing. I know how shattered my heart feels. The pain doesn’t go away. So, please, when you need it, let the help in.
wellbeing
What’s the cost? As the cost of living increases, we’re looking at how you can mind both your money and your mental health Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
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ecently, it’s felt like we’re stuck in a stream of mounting pressure, as we’ve faced one thing after another. And with the cost of living on the rise, many of us will be worried about the immediate future. The Resolution Foundation Think Tank estimates that an extra 1.3 million people will fall into absolute poverty in 2023, including 500,000 children – and middle-earners will likely also feel the strain as bills and monthly outgoings rise. It goes without saying that this is going to have an impact on our mental health, as financial wellbeing and mental health are connected. In a survey of more than 1,000 people by the mental health charity Mind, 73% reported that when their mental
health is poor, they struggle more to manage their money, and 74% also said that difficulty managing money then went on to affect their mental health. “If you live with mental illness you may be on a reduced income, face increased costs, or find it hard to budget, while money worries can also place pressure on your mental health, leading to increased stress, worry, and anxiety,” Laura Peters, head of mental health and money advice at the charity Mental Health UK, explains. “This can create a worrying cycle that can impact other aspects of your life, such as your relationships, work, or where you live. Improving your financial security and understanding the best way to manage your money can have a hugely positive impact on your mental health.”
Money where your mouth is
But, truth be told, even just talking about money can be difficult, let alone taking steps to manage it. Of course, speaking about it is the first step to getting help – both practical tips and emotional support – but our fears and anxieties are often an additional barrier. “There are lots of reasons why people find it hard to talk about money worries,” Laura says. “Parents or carers might feel pressure to support loved ones who rely on them. Some of us might feel like we want to keep up with friends, even though we can’t afford to match their spending habits. And many people in debt tell us they feel a huge amount of shame and stigma around their situation.” >>> happiful.com | Issue 62 | 31
In research by the Money & Pensions service in 2020, which surveyed more than 5,200 people across the UK, researchers found that nearly half the adult population (48%) say they have worried about money once a week or more in the past month. It would be fair to say that that number may have risen in 2022, but the survey also looked into the most common reasons why UK adults avoid talking about their money situation, finding ‘Shame/embarrassment’, ‘Not wanting to burden others’, ‘It’s not how they were brought up’, ‘It causes stress or anxiety’, and ‘Thinking they should be more successful than they are’ were among the top causes. “Money worries can make people feel really isolated, but a lot of people will experience money worries at some point in their lives,” Laura says. “You are not alone, and it’s important to know there’s support available to you. You’ll find lots of helpful tips on the Mental Health and Money Advice website (mentalhealthandmoneyadvice.org). “It can also help to open up to friends or family, perhaps out for a walk or over a cup of tea – this isn’t something you want to bring up just before you split the bill for 32 | Issue 62 | happiful.com
wellbeing
Nearly half the adult population say they have worried about money once a week or more in the past month dinner or find it’s your turn to get a round in. If you can share how you’re feeling, not only can they hopefully offer emotional support, but they can also suggest plans so you can spend time together without it costing the earth.”
Dealing with a financial shock
“Financial shocks will look different for all of us,” says Laura. “It might be a costly bill that you hadn’t budgeted for, an essential item that breaks and needs replacing, or a big life event like a relationship breakdown, loss of job, or having a baby. “You might feel like avoiding thinking about the financial problems this might cause, but we’d always advise someone going through this kind of a shock to address the problem as soon as possible, so you can get help to create a plan which can help you manage the situation.” In an ideal world, we’d have rainy-day savings to cover these sorts of things. But that’s not always possible for everyone, and when financial shocks crop up, it can be easy to go into panic mode. As tempting as it may be, try to stay away from highinterest payday loans or credit card debt, and instead have a look
at your outgoings to see if there’s anything you’re overpaying on (for example, are you paying too much for your phone contract?), or areas you could cut back on until things even out a bit more. “Also, if you feel comfortable doing so, you might find it helpful to open up to friends or family so that they can help to support you through it, and take the pressure off you from trying to keep up appearances – which won’t help your money situation or your mental health,” Laura adds.
Hard times
As many of us face a tight squeeze on our finances in the coming year, it’s important to be realistic about what’s ahead of us, and the ways in which we might have to adjust. But being realistic also means trying, as best we can, to let go of shame and stigma. Money matters are complex, and rely on many different factors, and so financial struggles are never a simple case of just ‘bad’ management. And, one final reminder, you really don’t have to face money problems alone. Whether it’s reaching out to your support network, or organisations that can advise your next steps, help is free for the taking.
In practice Laura Peters, head of mental health and money advice, Mental Health UK, shares the following tips: “With the cost of living going up, lots of people are feeling worried about their money, and may also be experiencing low mood. Sometimes anxiety and low mood can get us into an avoidance cycle – where we try to avoid the problem, but this only increases our anxiety in the long-term. Completing a budget sheet will help you to get a better idea of your finances. Break it down into smaller tasks if it feels too daunting to start with. “If you find that you have more going out than coming in, get free, independent advice from MoneyHelper. Find helpful exercises you can do with our mental health and money toolkit. “If you feel worried almost all of the time, consider speaking to your GP, who might refer you for talking therapies, or prescribe you medication.” Visit moneyhelper.org.uk
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Absolutely buzzing There’s more to beekeeping than just the yummy honey! Looking after the busy insects is good for the planet, can improve your mental wellbeing, and really boost your self-esteem. It’s time to uncover what all the buzz is about Writing | Paul Williams
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y son announced recently, quite unexpectedly, that he wanted to buy
some bees. Now, while this might be considered strange bee-haviour, it is perfectly in-tune with his dream of living a happier, and altogether less stressful existence. Plans to live in a van with his partner and two children have, for the time being anyway, come to naught, and so acquiring some bees is the latest stop on the road to a more sustainable, healthier, and better-balanced lifestyle. At first, I must admit, I was a little sceptical, but with my interest piqued, I decided to delve a little deeper and it seems that working with bees, or apiculture to the initiated (the word is derived from the Latin apis meaning bee), really can improve your mental wellbeing and boost self-esteem.
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Human interaction with wild bees can be traced back 10,000 years, while beekeeping began domestically in North Africa 9,000 years ago, with pottery vessels being used as crude hives. Fast-forward to the 21st century, however, and bee numbers are declining rapidly. So much so that 20 May has been declared World Bee Day. Approved by the United Nations, the day offers an opportunity to raise awareness about the threats to bees caused by human activities. You might have noticed that these last couple of years have been a bit difficult for us humans, too. In fact, 48% of UK adults say the pandemic has negatively affected their wellbeing. Getting outside, taking a moment, and really connecting with nature has become more important than ever. Research into exactly how interacting with nature can
positively affect our mental health is being conducted all the time, but repeated studies show that spending time in our natural surroundings can produce an inner peace and boost selfesteem, helping us to feel good about ourselves, and see things that may be troubling us in a different, more positive light. But what if you could do more than that? What if you could help nature while you were helping yourself, how good would that make you feel? But why should I care about bees? I hear you ask. Well, according to Friends of the Earth, bees help produce around one-third of our food supply, provide us with half of the world’s fibres, oils, and other minerals, provide food for wildlife, aid us in developing medicines, and contribute to the prevention of soil erosion. Quite a list! >>>
Getting outside, taking a moment, and really connecting with nature has become more important than ever
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Catherine Howell is codirector of Barefoot Kitchen CIC (Community Interest Company), a social enterprise based in Middlesbrough, in North Yorkshire, that delivers “plot to plate projects for people, places and the planet”. She is passionate about creating beautiful spaces for others to enjoy, and is a keen advocate of community activism. Catherine and her small team (who operate on a co-operative basis) deliver projects that link the outdoors with wellbeing, and were instrumental in launching the successful ‘Buzz-in Boro’ campaign from 2020–21. The aim of the project was to increase the number of honeybees within the town, and raise awareness of the pollinator species, and the vital role they play in food production. The company produced a spotter’s guide, taught basic beekeeping skills within the community, and installed several ‘eco tree hives’ in prominent public spaces. The hives are carefully designed for gentle beekeeping, made with natural materials, and insulated to protect the bees from extremes of temperature. They’ve become a local attraction, with passersby watching the bees’ activities, taking photos, and making videos. Buzz-in Boro builds on a legacy of successful community beekeeping projects in 36 | Issue 62 | happiful.com
Middlesbrough. An earlier project, ‘Bee Friend,’ funded by a National Lottery Local Food grant awarded to Middlesbrough Environment City, taught 80 people beekeeping skills, and created four new community apiaries for residents to gain practical experience. Bee Friend was the national ‘small grants’ project winner in the National Lottery’s awards. Another bee-related project, along with a love of nature, led author Steve Donohoe down a path to recovery from alcohol addiction – he is now a fullyfledged beekeeper, having gone from A to bee you might say. Steve says: “When I started keeping bees, I wanted an escape from city life. They were on a farm near High Legh, Cheshire, about a 20-minute drive from my house in south Manchester. I attended evening classes run by the Stockport Beekeeping Association in the winter of 2011, and by July 2012, I was a beekeeper. “I like to think that bees helped me on my path to recovery. Family life, problems at work, credit card bills, and just never stopping my mind from racing were issues that plagued me. “Fortunately for me, spending time connected to the natural world is tremendously healing. Inside a hive is a beautiful world
of wax and pollen and propolis (‘bee glue’) – the sounds and smells of summer! The bees are so fascinating that you become fully immersed in their affairs. Even though I tend towards being an antisocial introvert, it turned out that meeting other beekeepers for a chat over a cup of tea was an unexpected pleasure.” Steve adds: “I currently run 50-odd colonies of bees in four apiaries. My first book, Interviews with Beekeepers, has been in print for two years, and my blog, The Walrus and the Honeybee, is still going strong after five years. It’s fair to say that bees are a big part of my life.” For members of the bee community, highlighting the benefits that pollinators can offer us is key: Friends of the Earth recently launched their Bee Cause campaign which seeks to raise awareness of how the decline in bees’ diversity and abundance would have a serious impact on the natural world. Their bee-saver kit, which has everything you need to help bees survive, (and a lovely little bee postcard, too) can be bought via their website. The kit also contains some wildflower seeds so you really can spread the love. Go on, help a bee out today. Who knows, you might get a buzz out of it!
What if you could help nature while you were helping yourself, how good would that make you feel?
happiful.com | Issue 62 | 37
Homework strategies for children with ADHD Homework can feel like an impossible struggle for kids with ADHD, but it doesn’t have to be that way… Writing | Ben Isaacson
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s a child who grew up with ADHD, (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), I know what it’s like to skip homework day after day. I was fortunate to have parents who were very laid back – but, had they been pushy parents, I assure you, I still wouldn’t have got much done. There’s this feeling, I like to call it the ‘I can’t be bothered’ feeling, which prevails every time I try to concentrate. On the rare occasion when I’d overcome the ‘I can’t be bothered’ feeling (like on the evening before an exam) you can rest assured that it would be back again the following day. On top of this, there are all the other challenges of executive dysfunction such as forgetfulness, working memory, inattention, and time management, which don’t make things any easier. Many children I work with are so tired when they arrive home from school that they barely have any energy left in the tank. This is common for ADHD-ers, as it usually coincides with when their medication starts to wear off. So, what can you do to make homework easier for kids with ADHD?
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How to understand processing modalities From my experience, there are several strategies that can help. However, it’s important to recognise that each child is different and will be energised depending on their individual strengths and processing modalities, whether it be auditory, kinaesthetic, visual, or tactile. For example, one of my clients does their homework using coloured sharpie pens (visual), some can only complete reading tasks while listening to ‘white noise’ (auditory), while others prefer a ‘POP IT’ toy or Thinking Putty (kinaesthetic). There’s nothing wrong with applying two items at the same time. One of my students discovered that she focuses better when using a scented diffuser together with an hourglass timer to help with her time management. These are just a few ideas that can make a big difference.
1. Flexibility As you may well know, ADHD-ers hate being told what to do. That is why it can be so useful to give them a flexible time frame. Give your child ownership by asking
when they’d like to complete their homework. Obviously, giving them the entire weekend is too long a window. The homework just won’t get done. However, offering a two-hour timeframe for your child to complete an hour’s worth of work, allows them to approach it in their own way. It also helps the child to psych themselves up for the unwelcome experience. This will make the transition from recreation to homework that little bit easier. If your child struggles to move away from the screen, then other interventions may be necessary.
2. Reward schemes Many children with ADHD aren’t motivated by the long-term rewards of education. ADHD-ers need something ‘instant’ to look forward to, whether it be screentime, a tasty treat, a gadget, or a packet of stickers for their collection. An instant reward has the effect of stimulating the brain in the short-term. One child I coach has an arrangement, whereby for each evening of completed homework, they receive 30 minutes of allotted screen time. Reward schemes like
wellbeing
Prolonged periods of attention are a challenge, especially for subjects your child has little interest in
this don’t make homework more enjoyable, but it at least gives your child a reason to do it.
3. Body-doubling Many children find it easier to concentrate when among their peers. This is why after-school homework clubs are so popular. If homework clubs aren’t your child’s thing, then perhaps they can use a ‘body-double’. If your child has a friend who also has ADHD, then perhaps they can take it in turns to go to each other’s house and complete their work together. If two people are working together, there’s a higher level of accountability.
4. Shorter bursts of study Prolonged periods of attention are a challenge, especially for subjects your child has little interest in. Sometimes, hiring a tutor can be a useful way to instil some accountability. Children are less inclined to let someone down if they aren’t a family member. Arranging shorter lessons of 30 minutes with a tutor can be a more effective way of sustaining attention. The longer the lesson, the more risk there is of your child zoning out.
How can coaching help? It might be worthwhile getting support from someone who
understands your child’s ADHD. A personal coach or mentor can help your child get organised at the start of the week, and can provide calm encouragement, and accountability.
Ben Isaacson is an ADHD coach and former school teacher specialising in supporting children and adolescents with ADHD. Visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk for more. happiful.com | Issue 62 | 39
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relationships
Get to know your neighbours It’s time to tear down those fences (not literally), and connect with the community next door. Here’s how you can strike up a conversation in the street, and turn good neighbours into good friends Writing | Caroline Butterwick
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or some, the pandemic placed an added significance to our sense of community, as we stayed close to home and people helped each other out. But still, many of us aren’t familiar with who lives on our street, or even next door, with 73% of people in the UK saying they don’t know their neighbours. I’m a shy person, but really value connecting with others. So, recently, I’ve found myself feeling frustrated at how little I know about the people who share my street, who I see every day. If you’re in a similar boat, you might be asking: what can I do to feel more confident and start making these community connections?
Lend me some sugar Although we may be unsure about reaching out to our neighbours, there are good reasons to give it a try. “Getting to know our neighbours has so many benefits,” explains life coach Sohaila Sophia. “Even just a simple ‘Hello’ every day can give our wellbeing a huge boost! Increased social connection supports our mental wellbeing, and decreases our rates of anxiety and depression. A sense of social connection is one of our fundamental human needs.” Developing our relationships with our neighbours builds our sense of community, and helps us feel safer. Plus, you never know if a quick chat with someone about the weather could end up developing into a meaningful friendship,
bringing with it all the joys that come with making new friends. Knowing our neighbours increases our feeling of belonging, too, something Sohaila explains is essential to being happy and fulfilled. “When we feel part of something such as a community, we feel supported, and when we feel supported we can often cope better in life, and experience less stress and anxiety,” she says. “Feeling a sense of belonging to our community can help us to feel like we are living with more purpose and meaning. When we feel as though we are living with more purpose and meaning, we often experience less stress and depression.” >>> happiful.com | Issue 62 | 41
There are pragmatic advantages, too. I’d love to be able to pop next door to ask to borrow their hedge trimmer, or to know I’d have someone to turn to for help if I locked myself out, or had an emergency. With these close-knit connections can spring comfort and support.
Reach for the stars It’s normal to feel nervous about getting to know your neighbours – I know I certainly do. So, to build your confidence, Sohaila recommends starting with small actions. Smiling or waving, or saying good morning helps to 42 | Issue 62 | happiful.com
break down barriers. It also shows you’re friendly and open, and the kind of person who would be willing to pause for a chat. Give it a go and see how your neighbours react. Don’t be disheartened if they don’t seem to acknowledge you – they could have been distracted, having a bad day, or even be taken by surprise. I must admit that when I saw neighbours, I tended to avoid eye contact and felt quite awkward. I gave people a smile, but found it hard to do more than that. Now, I am actively trying to follow Sohaila’s advice, and making an effort to say hello.
A sense of social connection is one of our fundamental human needs Stepping outside, when I see that the people next door are out in their front garden, tidying up, I make a point of saying a friendly “Hello!” and am delighted when they respond the same, with a warm smile. It’s a small thing, but it puts a spring in my step.
relationships
Sohaila suggests, once you’re comfortable with this, that you try engaging in a conversation. “Perhaps ask if they have had a good day or a nice weekend,” she says. “If you notice their children are wearing dance or sports kits, you could ask how their training or classes are going. Take a moment to notice these small things so you can engage in conversation with them with more ease. You will notice over time that they too are likely to ask you questions, and it becomes a two-way process, which will ease your confidence and become a more natural interaction. “You will probably find a lot of neighbours are so pleased you started the initial conversation with them, and are happy to keep this going, and create more social connections within the community.” This makes me think of the neighbour I feel I know the best. We bonded a few years ago by talking about her lovely tabby cat who kept getting lost, and we’d find snoozing in my garden. This topic of connecting made me realise that I haven’t spoken to her for a while. When I next saw her, I made sure to say “Hi”, and soon we were chatting away on the pavement for a few minutes. The simple conversation starter leads me to find out more about her, and enjoy the chance to talk
about how I’m doing as well. These short conversations can bring so much meaning to our day. I work from home, which can be quite isolating, so making these connections can be even more valuable. Afterwards, I felt brighter, and more confident that I know someone who lives just across the road.
Meet me at the crossroads “Once you’re comfortable with general and light communication, you can then take this further if you wish to,” says Sohaila. “Perhaps suggest a coffee one afternoon, or going on a walk together. If you have pets or children you can involve them too, so that it can easily form part of your day.” Sohaila suggests getting a few people together and starting a weekly walk, book club, or coffee morning at a local café. “You can start small by just inviting a couple of neighbours, and ask them to spread the word to see how it progresses. People love connecting, and being part of something.” If organising something yourself sounds nerve-wracking, it could be worth looking at what’s already going on locally. Many places have community centres that run groups and activities. These are a great chance to meet other people in a way that can feel more
structured than striking up a conversation in the street. For me, joining creative groups has helped me meet those nearby who share my love of writing. It’s nice to know there are people down the road who I have something in common with, and it can be easier to make connections when you share an interest. Listening to Sohaila’s words of wisdom inspires me to text someone who lives just around the corner who I met at a community get-together to see if she wants to meet up, and soon we have a coffee morning planned. It can take time to get to know our neighbours, but the wellbeing benefits make it worth the effort. Say “Hello”, give a smile, and see where it takes you – at the very least, you’ll boost your sense of belonging. You may find you make a great new friend, or even have someone to turn to next time you forget your keys.
Sohaila Sophia is a qualified life coach and NLP practitioner. Get in touch and find out moreby visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 62 | 43
Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones PROVERBS 16:24
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Photography | Daniel Bounliane
food & health
Excuse me, where’s the loo? When a medical condition makes you need the toilet suddenly, ongoing worry about where the nearest one is, is understandable. Here we explore toilet anxiety, and, crucially, how to cope with it
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magine you’re somewhere you’ve never been before, and you suddenly realise you need to use the bathroom. You start looking around and asking people where the nearest toilet is, but there doesn’t seem to be one nearby. Many of us will instantly recognise the fear that can rise in situations like this. The worries of ‘What if I can’t find anywhere to go?’ or ‘What if I don’t make it to the bathroom?’ For most of us, however, this experience is rare.
Writing | Kat Nicholls
For those with inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) or overactive bladder (OAB), this experience is more common, and can understandably lead to anxiety. I’ll be honest, my motivation for writing about this is personal. Several members of my family live with these conditions, and my mum in particular (who has ulcerative colitis) has been struggling with anxiety around accessing toilets. At its worst, toilet
anxiety can stop people living their lives, making travel difficult, and spontaneous activities fraught with worry. April Trawicki, support services manager at Crohn’s & Colitis UK, explains how IBD might impact someone’s mental health. “The symptoms of Crohn’s and colitis, such as fatigue, pain and an urgent need for the toilet, can be challenging to cope with. They can make someone worried about leaving home and seriously affect their work and social >>> happiful.com | Issue 62 | 45
life. This can lead to feelings of isolation, and can increase the risk of depression or anxiety.” April goes on to note that as they are fluctuating conditions, it can be difficult to plan ahead as every day can be different and unpredictable. “They are also hidden conditions, meaning others don’t always understand the impact of having Crohn’s or colitis,” she adds. Alongside the hidden nature of these illnesses, there is the stigma society attaches to bodily functions. Talking about our toilet habits isn’t the easiest thing, but this is something the IBD charity encourages, offering a Talking Toolkit for those living with Crohn’s and Colitis to tell loved ones about their experience (visit ittakesguts.org.uk to access). Other practical tools April recommends include joining Crohn’s & colitis UK to receive a ‘Can’t Wait Card’ and a RADAR key. “Both can be used to help access toilets when out and about,” April explains. “We know that planning toilet access on journeys before people set off can help people feel more confident away from home. There are many toilet map apps available online, which can help with journey planning. “Some people also carry an emergency kit, such as a change of clothes, alcohol-free wet wipes, and a neutraliser aerosol to disguise odour is useful.” 46 | Issue 62 | happiful.com
When you pick apart most cases of anxiety, it seems that a lack of control is at their heart After seeing multiple doctors and nutritional experts, my mum is now finding some relief physically – but the psychological impact can be harder to manage. In terms of treatment, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is often recommended for anxiety. CBT looks to help people understand the link
between thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, working to find helpful thought processes around the situation that causes anxiety. For many, this can be extremely useful. For others, however, this approach doesn’t always help. We’re all different, and therefore it can be useful to explore other options. An approach my mum
food & health
has started looking into, for example, is hypnotherapy. Using hypnosis to work with the subconscious, hypnotherapists support clients in ‘rewiring’ neural pathways so they respond to anxiety differently. Hypnotherapist Shonagh Terry’s first client with this problem had an overactive bladder and, after 25 years, was desperate for help. Shonagh explains that she took some time to talk to the client about the subconscious, and how it is in charge “even though the conscious mind is the one they are aware of”, and how hypnotherapy can influence the emotional reaction to our thoughts. During the session, Shonagh used self-esteem and confidence as the basis of her suggestions. “Two days later she phoned and said, ‘I don’t know what you have done, but I haven’t had a single leak since I saw you.’ I was as delighted as she was. She came back in a week, and had had one incident. “Over time, she did have moments when she lapsed slightly, but when we examined the situations, anxiety from a life experience had a major part to play in it. She stopped all medication. Her GP and consultant were delighted for her. “The treatment plan I used with her I have used as a basis
for all my bowel and bladder conditions. I am always amazed at the success rate they have, and I ensure I constantly praise, accentuate the positive, and emphasise that they can take back control.” When you pick apart most cases of anxiety, it seems that a lack of control is at their heart. So I can understand how being empowered to take back control, especially with conditions like these, would have a powerful effect. A technique that can help with this, Shonagh says, is identifying where you lack balance in terms of influence and concern. “Look at your life and make a list of what’s bothering you, including habitual behaviours. It should be no longer than eight items,” Shonagh says. “Tackle the biggest thing first. Imagine two circles, one called influence and one called concern. They should be roughly equal in size. If your influence is small and the concern is large, you’re out of balance/control. “Reduce or increase the circles until they are more in balance. That may mean identifying the positives in your life, rejecting negative thoughts or associating with negative/critical people, and/or finding a consultant, expert, or therapist who you feel in-tune with to help you through your maze.”
So, what tools can you use to support yourself? 1. Practical preparation (i.e. having a ‘Can’t Wait Card’, a RADAR key, and an emergency kit for peace of mind). 2. Community support (i.e. connecting with others who ‘get it’, and explaining your condition to friends, family, and co-workers). 3. Psychological support (i.e. looking into CBT or hypnotherapy to help you manage anxiety and build confidence). Underlying all of this is taking care of your physical health, working with doctors, and making recommended lifestyle shifts. Together, these approaches can help you regain a sense of control, and live life to the fullest, because you absolutely deserve to.
Shonagh M Terry is a hypnotherapist who specialises in anxiety, stress, and self-belief. To find out more, visit hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 62 | 47
Happiful recommends
From forging unlikely friendships to an ancient tree walking trail, and a podcast that’ll empower and inspire you, try something new with our enriching suggestions Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
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Age UK telephone friendship service In an initiative to combat loneliness, Age UK offers a free telephone service to reduce feelings of social isolation in older people. The service matches people aged 60 and above to a friendly volunteer for weekly chats. Will you pick up the phone today and be someone’s reason to smile? (Visit ageuk.org.uk for more information)
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PAGE-TURNERS Take a Moment: Activities to Refocus, Recentre and Relax Wherever You Are by Mind Life can be stressful, but taking a moment for yourself is sometimes all we need to feel ourselves again. Whether you need to refocus, recentre, or relax, experts from mental health charity Mind have developed this handy pocket guide packed with activities and resources to utilise wherever you are. (Michael O’Mara Books, £9.99)
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ACT OF KINDNESS
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LEND US YOUR EARS
Hurdle Wellness coach and motivational speaker Emily Abbate invites inspiring individuals, from renowned athletes to ambitious entrepreneurs, to talk about their highest highs and bare all with their toughest hardships. Her goal is to equip you with the skills to overcome your own hurdles, and empower you to be the best version of yourself. (Available on all podcasting platforms)
OUT AND ABOUT
Ancient tree walks Be at one with nature and walk among the most ancient trees in the UK with the National Trust’s walking trail guide. I know what you’re thinking: can trees really be that spectacular? These aren’t just any trees, they are the ‘leafy guardians’ of our earth. Packed with character and history, they are an example of living archeology. (Visit nationaltrust.org.uk for more information) 48 | Issue 62 | happiful.com
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PLUGGED-IN
Georgia Rose Hardy Photography Rosie Hardy is a surrealist photographer known for her whimsical, fairytale-like storytelling, but it’s not just a pretty picture! As an expression of her emotions, the images and words on her social feed depict a vulnerability that we can all relate to. (Follow @georgiarosehardy)
culture
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LESSON LEARNED
Become a walrus detective With climate change having a significant impact on the Arctic, walruses are facing the reality of the crisis. Did you know that you can contribute to conservation science by spending 30 minutes searching through Google satellite images for walruses? You’ll be helping scientists to identify changes in the walrus population, and be learning along the way. (Visit wwf.org.uk to find out more)
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SQUARE EYES
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TECH TIP-OFFS
Forest Staying productive can be difficult, but Forest offers a unique approach to time management. Whenever you want to stay focused, plant a tree in the app and it will grow. If you become distracted and exit the app before your timer is up, the tree will die. Partnered with Forest of the Future, you’ll also be helping the planet by growing real trees when you spend virtual coins earned from your productivity. (Available on the App Store for £3.49)
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GET GOING
Puppy yoga Finding the motivation to exercise can be difficult, but this fun-filled class might have the solution: puppies. It involves 30 minutes of puppy yoga, and 30 minutes of cuddles, promising a paws-itively unique experience. Not only are you boosting your own wellbeing, but you’ll also be helping young pups to socialise. (Visit puppyyoga.co.uk to book)
My Octopus Teacher This isn’t your average nature documentary; it’s a compelling story that challenges the belief that humans are superior to non-human animals. After living with depression, filmmaker Craig Foster makes a vow to swim in the sea every day, which leads him to experience a rare glimpse into the world of the common octopus, while learning about his own experiences on the way. (Available on Netflix)
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TREAT YOURSELF
Olverum Bath Oil Packed with a luxurious aromatic blend of natural essential oils, Olverum bath oil is the perfect indulgence for your bathing routine that will leave your mind and body feeling refreshed. Its therapeutic properties help soothe muscles and relieve stress, while promising a meditative experience for the ultimate ‘me time’. Not to mention, it’s vegan-friendly and cruelty-free! (£36.50, uk.olverum.com)
WIN!
WIN A BOTTLE OF OLVERUM BATH OIL
For your chance to win a bottle of indulgent bath oil, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com How long does the average person spend in the bath? a) 19.5 minutes b) 24.5 minutes c) 43.5 minutes *Competition closes 16 June 2022. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck! happiful.com | Issue 62 | 49
Give your gut some love Lunch just got a little more interesting Writing | Claire Hunter
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ut health is a hot topic these days. And rightly so. Did you know that you have approximately 38 trillion microbial cells living in your gut? Cell-for-cell, that makes you about 50% human, and 50% microbe! This ecosystem of microbes living in your large intestine (AKA your gut microbiota) plays an active role in the maintenance of health, and prevention of disease. While this is a relatively new and evolving area of research, and we don’t yet know the full extent of the functions the microbiota are involved in, what we do know is that a more diverse range of gut microbes is associated with better health. So, how can you diversify your gut microbiota? Simply put: eat a wider variety of plants! This quick and easy salad is a stealthy way to sneak more plants into your diet. It’s an excellent meal-prep option, making it a good choice for your lunchbox, and the bright colours ensure it’s appealing to kids. It’s a sensational salad the whole family will enjoy!
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food & health
Asian salad Serves 2 Ingredients For the salad • 100g dry quinoa* • 150g edamame beans, shelled (frozen or fresh) • 1 small red pepper, deseeded and diced • 1 carrot, peeled and diced • 3 spring onions, washed and sliced • Half a cucumber, washed and diced • 100g red cabbage, washed and sliced thinly • 1 avocado, peeled, deseeded, and diced • 2 tsp sesame seeds • Coriander cress (or fresh coriander) For the dressing • 1 tbsp toasted sesame oil • 1/2 tbsp chilli oil (or cold-pressed rapeseed oil if you don’t want it spicy) • 1/2 tbsp lime juice • 1/2 tbsp rice wine vinegar • 1/2 tbsp soy sauce or tamari • 1 tsp freshly grated ginger • 1 tsp maple syrup • 1 clove of garlic, peeled and minced • Salt and pepper to taste * You can use a 250g pouch of ready-to-eat quinoa, available in most supermarkets.
The healthy bit Method: • Pop the quinoa into a sieve and rinse under running water for 30 seconds. Drain well, then add to a small saucepan with 250ml water. Bring the pan to a boil, then turn the heat down to a gentle simmer and cook for 10 minutes. • Remove the pan from the heat, cover with a lid and leave to steam for a further 5 minutes, before fluffing with a fork. All the water should be absorbed. • While the quinoa cooks, boil the edamame according to package instructions (usually 3–5 minutes, depending on whether you’re using fresh or frozen). Once cooked, drain, and set aside to cool. • Make the dressing by combining all the ingredients together in a small bowl and whisk (or add them to a jar and give it a good shake). • Allow the quinoa to cool for 30 minutes before adding it to a mixing bowl with the cooked edamame and chopped vegetables. • Toss with the dressing, top with the sesame seeds and coriander cress, and enjoy! This salad keeps well in the fridge for three days. Add the dressing and avocado just before eating to prevent the salad from going soggy, and the avocado from browning.
Making a conscious effort to diversify the plant foods in your diet will help you not only nourish your gut microbes, but also increase the variety of essential nutrients you’re eating. Take this salad, for example, red pepper is high in vitamin C, while carrots are an excellent source of beta-carotene, and onions contain prebiotic fibre that your good gut microbes are particularly partial to. Cucumbers are a good source of vitamin K, as well as being about 95% water – so great to keep you hydrated – and red cabbage provides impressive nutritional bang for your buck, with one of the highest densities of antioxidants per (£) pound. Then there’s avocado, with its admirable healthy fat content and punch of potassium, as well as vitamins E, K and B9 (folate). Quinoa and edamame are both great sources of plant-based protein, and are equally rich in various minerals including iron, magnesium, zinc, and manganese. This salad is also packed with fibre, which your gut microbes thrive on! Claire Hunter is a nutritional therapy practitioner and holistic nutritionist, specialising in digestive health and plant-based nutrition. Find more at nutritionist-resource.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 62 | 51
Where there’s a Will…
There’s a way to embrace wellbeing, and singer, songwriter, actor, podcast host, and author Will Young seems to be on the right path, as he discusses self-mastery, the importance of intention, misconceptions about fame, and the love of a good dog
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hat’s my dog snoring in the background, I’m so sorry!” Will Young explains, smiling from the other side of the screen. His handsome rescue, Domino, the source of the melodic snore, is oblivious to the conversation as Will continues, sharing the experiences that led him to write and release his most recent book, Be Yourself and Happier: The A-Z of Wellbeing. Will has so much to offer when it comes to talking about mental health. Back in 2011, he had a breakdown, accompanied by crippling agoraphobia. This period of severe mental ill-health was also the beginning of his desire for deep personal exploration, and he went on to work with multiple therapists, trial different modalities, and proactively educate himself on the mind-body connection.
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For the past eight years, Will notes, he’s been fully immersed in the world of wellbeing, and he’s eager to help others if he can, by sharing the insights he’s gained along the way. “It’s enlightenment really,” he says, reflecting on his discoveries. “When I got into myself and broke into past traumas and behaviours, I hit a wall – a wall that I had, through survival, not wanted to climb over, or even break through. As I learnt more about my humanity, I just wanted to share it. I’m really fascinated, I love the subject of mental health and wellbeing, and it’s sort of become my passion.” To keep the mental health conversation going and growing, Will now hosts ‘The Wellbeing Lab’ podcast, a weekly exploration of therapy and life’s challenges. He’s covered an array of topics including shopping addiction, body dysmorphic
disorder, sex addiction, and loss of sex drive, and he’s spoken to experts about boundaries, somatic therapy, CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), and dealing with rumination. Listeners write in and share their experiences, and, in turn, Will shares how certain topics resonate with him. Putting his lived experiences front and centre of his work in wellbeing is crucial to Will. It helps him to develop an authentic connection with people who are looking for a more positive way forward, as he was. “All the stuff I do, comes from my own behaviour, so it’s from a place of absolutely no judgement,” he says. “Hopefully my book opens a door into a way of becoming what my old therapist, Louis Evans, used to call a ‘functional adult’ and gaining self-mastery, which is what we all want.” Listening to Will talk about wellbeing and how we manage ourselves is really refreshing.
Photography | Joseph Sinclair
Writing | Lucy Donoughue
the next step
When I got into myself and broke into past traumas and behaviours, I hit a wall – a wall that I had, through survival, not wanted to climb over, or even break through
He’s taken years of therapy and study, and reframed it in a way that’s accessible. He advocates for a series of small personal behaviour tweaks and daily self-awareness practices that can make a huge difference in how we show up for ourselves and others. Will believes that it’s imperative to start with how we, as individuals, speak and behave when it comes to our wellbeing and the energy we project into the world. “There’s lots of tiny things that are so nuanced but actually really powerful that I’ve learnt over the years. We’ve got to be really quite rigid and watch out for certain >>> happiful.com | Issue 62 | 53
Listen to the full interview with Will Young on Happiful’s podcast ‘I am. I have’
language. Notice how often we use the word ‘but’. ‘Today I’m feeling positive but quite anxious,’ or ‘Today I’m feeling positive and quite anxious.’ It takes away the judgement.’ “The use of the word ‘I’ in conflict resolution is crucial. Always talk from the ‘I’ position,” Will continues. “And intention is key, too. I use the example of apologising; if I apologise because I want to make you like me again, my intention isn’t to own my stuff. Or if my hope is that you’ll apologise too, then it’s not a real apology! Drill down into intentions, and really try to find the most authentic one, otherwise you’ll always come up short, and you’ll remain frustrated and unhappy.” While Will is fascinated by the use and impact of language, he’s equally interested in how everyday tasks can improve our sense of wellbeing, including gardening and cleaning. “Weirdly, since lockdown, I get a lot out of looking after my house, and I’m not actually the most clean person in terms of my house – it’s not perfect!” he laughs. “I do little and often cleaning, that’s my rule. I love nurturing my house, because it’s an extension of me.” 54 | Issue 62 | happiful.com
There’s a sense that the simple, everyday tasks are key elements of Will’s wellbeing toolkit, and with our chat taking place over Zoom, it’s easy to see how settled and grounded he is at home. There’s absolute generosity in the way that he shares his experiences and our conversation is peppered with reality checks to ensure that he’s by no means
portraying himself as having reached the summit of balance and wellness. Will’s ready to bust some commonly held myths about his profession, too. Having been in the public eye for more than 20 years, he’s a household name. As a singer, songwriter, actor, author, and podcast host, he remains in the media glare, too.
the next step
I needed to learn lessons growing up though, I don’t think you can fast forward through them This is not, he insists, a source of difficulty for him. “It’s not tough, honestly,” Will says on the subject. “If I got lost in the fame side of things, or that pressure… It’s not reality. It would be so easy for me to say, ‘Oh the difficulty.’ We could have a whole conversation about trolls online and haters, but I don’t even want to be involved in that area of life! I don’t read anything on social media, I don’t read reviews. If there’s a problem, people will tell me. “That’s how I react to it,” he offers. “From the very beginning, I just saw it all as an illusion and nonsense, so I wasn’t going to make it a reason for my difficulties in life. I’m very, very fortunate. So I just navigate getting away from the negative stuff as much as possible.” Growing older and more comfortable in his own skin, Will shares, is something he has a deep appreciation of, and it could be a contributing factor to his ability to care less now about what others say and think. He knows who he is, what he stands for, and he owns it. “I love getting older, it’s so brilliant. I’ll never forget, years ago, Michael Gracey, a great director and friend I worked
with, said to me, ‘The thing is, cool is being yourself, so just be yourself.’ I think I needed to learn lessons growing up though, I don’t think you can fast forward through them.” In addition to the experience he’s gained over the years, the work he’s done on himself and the pursuit of his passions, having dogs is a big part of Will’s sense of being grounded. He has two dogs – Esme and the gently snoozing Domino, who came into Will’s life last year. He rescued Domino and his sister Diamond, who now lives with Will’s parents. Both were just hours away from being put down. “I feel like it’s a miracle Domino’s here,” he explains. “Everything aligned. I didn’t need any more dogs, I wasn’t looking to get any more dogs. Now we go to the cafe everyday, he gets chicken, that’s the deal, and what’s so great is that I interact with the world through him. I can find mornings quite difficult – I can wake up quite groggy and anxious – so it’s a lovely safe way of doing that. He’s almost like my emotional support dog! “He’s just so loving,” Will continues, looking fondly at Domino. “And now I’m obsessed with videos about rescue dogs.
My friends tell me they can’t watch them because they’re so sad, but I say, ‘Look, they’re so happy now!’ They get these dogs and they’re so traumatised, but then they enact these simple acts of gaining trust, play, eating, exercise, socialising, and you just see the dogs transform. It never fails to amaze me – and we can do the same things for ourselves.”
‘Be Yourself and Happier: The A-Z of Wellbeing’ by Will Young (Ebury Spotlight, £14.99) is out now. happiful.com | Issue 62 | 55
Ask the experts
How can I feel more comfortable expressing myself? Wellness and personal development coach Emma Humphrey answers your questions on self-expression Read more about Emma Humphrey on lifecoach-directory.org.uk
Q
Self-expression seems to come naturally for some, but less so for others. Do you know what may hold us back from expressing ourselves?
A
Wholehearted selfexpression is synonymous with living authentically; feeling aligned with the words we
Q
When it comes to confidence and selfexpression, selfacceptance can often be the first step. Do you have any tips to help with self-acceptance?
A
Self-acceptance can be hard, so it’s crucial to approach it with self-compassion; talking to yourself like you
speak, our opinions, our clothes, and how we show up in the world. For people who find selfexpression challenging, more time will be spent showing up to impress or to people-please; doing the things we think we ‘should’ be doing, rather than what our heart really desires. Low self-esteem can hold us back as we are less selfaccepting, and don’t believe we are good at many things
worth showing to the world. Our upbringings will have had a big influence; if your parents/ caregivers gave you messages about being ‘too loud’ or ‘too quiet’, you may still hold those limiting beliefs. Over time, we layer these messages to create a box we feel unable to step outside of. Similarly, if you have experienced previous rejections in life, you may have a fear of judgement holding you back.
would to a friend. Accept that it’s not a quick and linear journey, particularly if you have historically been very unaccepting of yourself. Writing a love letter to yourself might sound like an odd and difficult thing to do, but taking 10 minutes to set out all the things you are proud of, and the attributes you admire in yourself, is a great place to start, and will give you something to reflect on and add to.
If you have negative selftalk, recognise that your thoughts are not facts, just stories we are telling ourselves. You can take those thoughts to ‘court’ and ask, ‘What evidence do I have to support this belief?’ and ‘How old is that evidence?’ You can choose to re-write your narrative, replacing negative thoughts by practising positive affirmations and gratitude.
Life Coach Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
the next step
Emma’s top tips for selfexpression and confidence: 1. Recognise that we all have a light inside of us that wants to be seen – an innate sense of who we are and what we love. The world needs you and your beautiful self-expression, just as you are. You have so much to give.
Q
Are there any tools or techniques that can help us get more comfortable expressing ourselves?
A
Begin with open and honest expression to yourself. A journal can help explore your feelings and the things most important to you. Take that first step outside of your comfort zone and ask ‘What one thing could I do today to live 5% more authentically?’ Incremental steps will help you to feel safe.
Notice what gives you energy, and do more of it – write a list of the people you see and the things you do regularly. Consider which ones fill your cup, and which drain you. For those that drain you, how can you create distance and start making ‘no’ a comfortable part of your vocabulary? Think back to your childhood – what did you love to do? Rediscover this, and see how it makes you feel. Don’t let the safety of what you’re good at now keep you restricted.
2. Self-expression and confidence feel more difficult when you’re scared of making a mistake. Empower yourself by being prepared to be vulnerable, and show up as you are – a perfectly imperfect human. 3. Accept that we are meant to grow and change – how you want to express yourself will change time and time again, and that’s OK. You do not have to fit in any boxes, and you get to choose how you show up in this world and to pursue the things you want in the way that you want.
happiful.com | Issue 62 | 57
How to talk about
baby loss It can be hard to find the right words, but it’s vital that we try Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
I
n the UK, one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, and one in 250 babies are stillborn each year. And, yet, it’s an experience that is often hidden away, and is a topic that many people struggle to talk about openly. “As a society, we are generally very uncomfortable talking about baby loss and miscarriage, likely because it feels so wrong that babies should die,” says Samantha Phillis, a midwife and counsellor.
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“We also do not have a word for grieving parents in the English language, yet we have a word for losing a spouse (widow/widower) and losing our parents (orphan). This might reinforce our discomfort about acknowledging the loss of a child.” With that in mind, it’s vital we don’t hide from this difficult reality, and that we step up to be there for loved ones whose babies have died. Here, Samantha offers tips for finding the right words.
1. Ask how the parents are feeling about the baby
“When a baby dies, many people think that asking about the baby, and how the parents are feeling, will somehow trigger the parents to be more upset,” says Samantha. Of course, the reality is that the parents will already be thinking about the baby, and Samantha points out that trying to carry on as usual, and not talking about the baby, is the potentially more
wellbeing
You don’t need to ‘fix’ the situation, and nothing can be fixed harmful route. She adds that the parents will also likely feel relieved to know that you are someone that they can come talk about their loss with, without the pressure of maintaining small talk.
2. Use their baby’s name
“Many parents whose baby has died have very few memories with their baby, but the one thing they will have is the name they have chosen for them,” Samantha explains. “Saying their baby’s name reinforces the acknowledgement that their baby was real and remains an important member of their family, and their family’s story.” You shouldn’t try to look past the loss – it doesn’t make it any smaller or any less painful, and only further isolates the parents with their grief.
3. Provide practical support When it comes to offering practical support, the key thing
is to take the lead. Comments like, ‘Let me know if you need something’ are well-meaning, but offering to help with specifics means that you’re taking the load of asking off the person who needs the help. “Offer to make meals or co-ordinate a dinner rota (takethemameal.com is a handy website). Offer to take some laundry or do a shop,” Samantha suggests. “If there are other children around, offer to do the school run, or take the children out for the day. Also, be aware of siblings and, depending on their ages, be somebody the baby’s siblings can come to as they can sometimes feel overwhelmed with grief, but not have the language to express it.”
4. Provide a safe space
“Parents will be experiencing many different feelings in the early days after a baby dies,” Samantha says. “They will likely feel extreme sadness, anger, guilt, and fear. If a baby has died during pregnancy, the parents may feel very apprehensive and worried about the birth. By acknowledging those feelings and reminding parents there are professionals who can reassure and offer advice, you can help validate and support those feelings.”
5. You will not always know what to say
“And that is OK,” Samantha says. “Losing a baby is devastating and forever changes the fabric of a family. Sometimes there are no
words that need to be said. You don’t need to ‘fix’ the situation, and nothing can be fixed.” Sometimes, struggling to find the right words is the thing that holds us back from saying anything at all, and so letting go of that pressure and leading with compassion and authenticity allows us to still be there, even when we’re lost for words. “Acknowledging to parents that ‘I don’t know what to say’ is supportive in its own right,” Samantha adds.
6. Take care of your own mental health
As is always the case when being there for others, it’s also important to take note of your own wellbeing. “If you are close enough to a family that you are supporting them with their grief, you are likely grieving the loss of the baby yourself,” Samantha says. “Find your support network, and speak to friends who aren’t connected to the family who can provide a shoulder for you to cry on. It may sound like a cliché, but it’s true that you cannot pour from an empty cup.”
Samantha Phillis is an individual and relationship counsellor, a registered midwife, and hypnobirthing teacher. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 62 | 59
TIME TO TALK Feeling ready to reach out for support is a huge step, and one you should be really proud of. So to help you find your voice, we’re sharing five tips for getting the conversation started Writing | Rebecca Thair
Think about where and when you want to talk
There’s never going to be a ‘perfect moment’ to talk, so don’t let that hesitation hold you back from speaking up when you’re ready. All you need is some time where you’re unlikely to be interrupted, so consider what situation might be best for you. Being somewhere familiar may be comforting, or you might want to chat while engaging in an activity so that there’s something else to focus on and fill any silences, such as having dinner, driving, or walking. The other consideration is that you might want some downtime after the conversation to process everything, so timing wise it may be better to avoid a chat on a lunch break for example.
Rehearse the conversation
This could be speaking to yourself, or writing down what you’d like to cover. What are the key things you want to express? Is there anything you want to ask for specific help 60 | Issue 62 | happiful.com
with? Is there anything you want this person to be aware of? A little planning ahead of time can enable you to enter the conversation with more confidence.
Could examples of how you feel be useful?
For anyone who is unsure of how best to express themselves and what they’re going through, it could be worth seeing if there are any references that can assist you. This might be a character in a book, TV show, or film who is experiencing something similar, or perhaps a song lyric, or blog online that really captures what you want to express.
Conversation starters
When it comes to bringing the conversation up on your own, there’s no wrong or right way to talk. If it helps to have a point of reference, you could say something like “I’ve been having a hard time lately. Could I tell you a bit about it?” Or “I’ve been
feeling [emotion(s)] for a while, do you mind talking it through with me?” Their response could help you gauge how much you want to share at that moment, and give you comfort that they are ready and willing to listen.
Try to be as honest as you can
Just think: you’ve come this far. As scary and daunting as it can be, you’ve taken those monumental first steps, so continue to trust yourself and share as much as you’re comfortable with. The friend or loved one you’re speaking to may have some questions as well, but don’t feel obligated to answer everything if you’re not ready to. But, where you are, try to tell your truth. If the conversation doesn’t go as you hoped, don’t be disheartened. This is an incredible first step, and there are many other avenues of support. You can speak to a GP, or text ‘SHOUT’ to 85258 any time for confidential support.
food & health
Understanding your vaginal health Whether it’s dealing with another yeast infection, feeling like you constantly have UTIs, or trying to figure out what your discharge means, understanding vaginal health is really important. Here, Jenna Farmer chats to the experts to help you get the lowdown ‘down there’ Writing | Jenna Farmer
W
hatever you might have read online about vaginal steaming or douching (seriously, don’t do it!), your vagina is pretty clever at keeping itself healthy and clean all by itself. However, many of us find ourselves dealing with common health issues, which, while not usually serious, can be really uncomfortable. About 75% of us are thought to have had thrush – also called a yeast infection – at least once in our lifetime, and, by the age of 24, nearly one third of females will have had at least one episode of cystitis, which affects our bladder, but can also be linked to our vaginal bacteria – more on that in a moment. These don’t just impact our physical health, but our mental health too. One study in the
journal Frontiers in Endocrinology found psychological stress was significantly related to the prevalence of bacterial vaginosis, a common condition that causes unusual discharge. Topics like vaginal discharge and needing to urinate can also increase our anxiety, worry, and embarrassment about seeking help or speaking about these issues, meaning we might try to self-treat without talking to a professional. Another study from Saint Louis University, in Missouri, found that this can cause real problems, with up to three out of four women being found to treat themselves for a yeast infection that they didn’t actually have. It’s important to remember that these are common, normal complaints. Here, we’re chatting to the experts to get their tips.
Vaginal discharge: what’s normal? Everybody gets vaginal discharge, and it’s actually a really good sign that your body is working as it should. This discharge is your vagina’s way of naturally self-cleaning, and the type and quantity of discharge varies from person to person; some people notice it more at certain times of their menstrual cycle, while others may need to use pantyliners on a daily basis. Nearly all types of discharge are perfectly normal, but if your discharge is accompanied by an unpleasant smell or a change in its colour and texture, it could be a sign of a yeast or bacterial infection. The main thing to watch out for is a ‘change’ – a sign that something is out of the ordinary for you personally. >>> happiful.com | Issue 62 | 61
How can you tackle yeast and bacterial infections?
The main thing to watch out for is a ‘change’ – a sign that something is out of the ordinary for you personally 62 | Issue 62 | happiful.com
Yeast infections, or thrush as we often call them, are really common – in fact, some of us may have the Candida bacteria which causes yeast infections, without any symptoms at all. If you notice your discharge is of a white, cottage-cheese like texture, along with vaginal itching or burning, chances are you’ll have a yeast infection, which can be caused by anything from being run down to your contraceptive. “Fungal yeast infections happen when there is an overgrowth of a yeast-like fungus that naturally lives in the vagina,” explains Dr Ellie Rayner, obstetrician and gynaecologist, and founder of The Maternity Collective. “The fungi like warm, moist, and airless parts of the body, which
food & health
is why the vagina is the most common site of the infection. An infection can occur when the natural balance of the vagina is upset, for example by a recent course of antibiotics, having diabetes, a weakened immune system, or being pregnant.” Bacterial vaginosis is often diagnosed by a discharge that has a strong fishy smell. Like yeast infections, it isn’t serious, but does require treatment.
Can you prevent these common infections? First of all, it could be worth considering taking a probiotic. “Maintaining beneficial bacteria levels knocks out the pathogenic yeasts, and can also keep them in check,” says nutritional therapist Sonal Shah. “Taking a highstrength probiotic with beneficial bacterial strains will help prevent yeast infections, and also the friendly yeast Saccharomyces boulardii.” While antibiotics are usually the first line of defence with bacterial vaginosis, probiotics can also be useful if you find they keep coming back, as studies have shown both oral and vaginal probiotics may reduce the rate of recurrence. Sonal also advises people to consider their sugar intake. “Cutting back on sugar – especially refined sugars – helps as sugar feeds more yeast and disrupts the gut biome.” However, if you keep getting yeast infections, it’s time for a trip to your GP. “They will usually recommend sending a vaginal
swab to the laboratory for further testing,” explains Dr Ellie Rayner. “They may also recommend other tests, such as a screen for sexually transmitted infections, or an ultrasound scan if your symptoms still persist.”
What’s vaginitis and how can we treat it? Another common vaginal condition is vaginitis, which often accompanies things like thrush and hormonal changes. Vaginitis is the feeling of an itchy, sore vagina, vaginal dryness, and pain when urinating or having sex. Although vaginitis is not usually serious, because it has so many potential causes it is worth having a chat with your GP, who may be able to prescribe common treatments such as antifungals and vaginal moisturisers.
What’s up with UTIs? UTIs – an infection in any part of the urinary tract – affect around 50% of women, and are a really common reason for visiting your GP. In fact, UTIs are the reason for more than 13% of the antibiotics GPs prescribe! They’re usually caused by bacteria entering the bladder, and this is where our vaginal health comes in; this can happen from sex, or even the way we wipe after going to the toilet. Studies have shown that the bacteria in our vagina can also be the culprit for repeat UTIs. Plus, there are certain times in a woman’s life when they’re more susceptible to UTI, such as during pregnancy or menopause.
One potential treatment is D-mannose, a type of sugar which is thought to make it more difficult for that annoying bacteria to stick to your bladder. You won’t find this sugar in your average doughnut, but results from studies have been promising: one published in BMJ Open found that taking a D-mannose supplement for six months reduced further UTI incidences by 45%. The classic cranberry might also help, but steer clear of the juice, says nutritional therapist Sonal Shah. “I would not recommend cranberry juice, as most contain added sugars. D-mannose is often found with a cranberry supplement to remedy UTIs like cystitis. Together, they help prevent bacteria like E coli from latching on to the bladder cell’s wall.” We hope it’s reassuring to read that common infections are nothing to be embarrassed about. However, it’s always important not to second guess when it comes to your health, so make an appointment to chat with your GP if you think you could be experiencing any of the issues we’ve covered. Help is at hand.
Sonal Shah is a nutritional therapist, health tutor, and director of Synergy Nutrition. To find out more, visit nutritionist-resource.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 62 | 63
Just because my path is different, doesn't mean I'm lost GERARD ABRAMS Photography | Ben Tofan
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Talking trash
Your ultimate guide to composting for beginners Writing | Rebecca Thair
C
ultivating your own compost not only benefits your garden with a homegrown, nutrient-rich mix, but ensures you’re recycling as much of your household waste as possible. You want a good balance of materials to ensure your compost breaks down effectively – roughly 25–50% soft green waste, and the rest from brown items. Here, we’ll dig into the specifics to help you craft the perfect compost pile. DO INCLUDE: • Black and white newspaper or plain paper. • Green items, such as grass clippings, young weeds, and nettles without the root. • Brown materials, like dead leaves, cardboard, wood chips. • Vegetable food scraps, such as potato peels, coffee grounds, and egg shells (the latter if they are washed thoroughly first). • Manure from cows or horses can also be used.
DON’T INCLUDE: • Coloured newspaper, magazines, or brochures. • Food scraps containing any animal product, such as meat, fat, or dairy. • Weeds, such as dandelions or thistle, or those with seed heads. • Diseased garden waste, as this could spread to the rest of your plants when used. • Dog poo, cat litter, or babies’ nappies. • Plastics, glass, or metal. TOP TIPS: 1. Too many ‘green’ items, which typically contain a lot of water, can make your compost pile liquidy, so balance things out with straw, or cardboard to add some more dense structure. 2. Chop up items prior to adding them to the pile, to help them degrade more quickly. 3. ‘ Turn the heap’ to aerate it, which speeds up the composting process as well – ideally you want to do this every month. This helps prevent your compost pile from becoming too wet or compacted.
4. If your pile is getting a bit pungent, it’s likely that there’s too much water involved, and not enough air. Try adding more of the brown waste to help the balance of materials, and turn it more frequently. WHEN IS IT READY? The end result should feel, look, and smell like rich, earthy soil. If you can still identify the various items you’ve mixed into the compost, that’s a sign it’s not quite ready yet as not everything has decomposed fully. Usually, your compost pile will end up about half the size of what you added in originally, which can serve as a helpful visual gauge. When your pile does reach that pinnacle of decomposition, it’s ready to work its nutrientrich magic on your flower beds. For the best results, spread the compost across your garden about two to four weeks before you plan on planting anything new, to allow it time to integrate with the existing soil. Plant perfection! happiful.com | Issue 62 | 65
How to feel ‘good enough’ The pressure of perfectionism; it’s palpable and unrelenting. But rather than allowing this trait to undermine your achievements, perhaps it’s time to accept that ‘good enough’ is best Writing | David Levy
S
ome years ago, I was at a seminar in which one of the keynote speakers was a chess world champion, and winner of a gold medal at the Chess Olympiad. A master of strategy, he gave a speech about the similarities in chess and in business. “A beginner in chess will be reactive to his opponent’s next move,” he said. “And it is only when you become experienced, that you learn the game, and begin to recognise the series of events playing out in front of you. You see patterns in the play, you begin to understand your opponent, and a successful player will begin to have not just their next move in their mind, but likely a series of potential options depending on the opponent’s positioning of their pieces. “Those that master chess, as in business and in life,” he continued, “they see the whole board.”
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It was a message delivered in the context of the business world, where skills of strategy and planning are key, but it was also a message that resonated with me on a much deeper level, speaking of the importance in stepping back and seeing the context in people’s words and actions, what I sometimes now refer to with clients as “seeing people in 3D” – about stepping out of the immediacy of whatever problem is being faced to try to have an objective view. For a moment, let us try to see the ‘whole board’ of the world in 1971, a time when a number of people reading this, including myself, were not even born. A generation raised by those having experienced the traumas of the second world war are adults now, likely in their 30s or 40s. They have lived through the enormous cultural and civil changes in the 1950s and 1960s, and by 1971, part of that was a rapidly moving understanding of mental health.
A survivor of two world wars and a former paediatrician, by 1971, Donald Winnicott had been working as a psychoanalyst for nearly 40 years. His 1971 book, Playing and Reality, published the same year as his death, was one of the final acts of a seminal character in the development of psychoanalytic theory. Much of Winnicott’s life and work was focused on the importance of environment in a child’s life, likely formed by his own experiences in an affluent but troubled family, and his final work included the concept of the ‘good enough’ parent – the importance of a nurturing, loving, and understanding environment, which also allowed for missteps and mistakes, rather than labouring under the pressure for unachievable perfection. To co-opt what Winnicott was saying to those parents in 1971 in the broadest of terms: you can’t get it 100% right 100% of the time. But, if you do your best, act responsively and sensitively,
txhxex xnxexxxtx xs tx ex px
and accept the possibility of error, you’ll be ‘good enough’ to foster autonomy and an ability to tolerate the highs and lows of their lives to come. I’m often asked if there are themes to my work – subjects that return in different forms or factors, but are shared as a commonality among the clients I have seen. Some you may be able to guess – anxiety, anger, sadness, loss – but the corrosive condition known as ‘perfectionism’ (or as I try to frame it with my clients, “impossible-ism”) and the phrases “I could have/should have…”, or “I could/should be doing more…”, or that old favourite “At this point in my life…” has been a surprising adversary against whom I regularly find myself faced. There seems to be a silent epidemic of impossible-ism; a condition designed only to highlight that which has neither been reached nor done, and one of which the only cure is the reaching some nebulous, infinite >>>
THERE SEEMS TO BE A SILENT EPIDEMIC OF IMPOSSIBLE-ISM; A CONDITION DESIGNED ONLY TO HIGHLIGHT THAT WHICH HAS NEITHER BEEN REACHED NOR DONE, AND HAS YET TO BE REACHED BY ANYONE happiful.com | Issue 62 | 67
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the next step
concept which, to my knowledge, has yet to be seen or reached by anyone with this ultimately useless affliction. A healthy sense of a goal or an aim can be a fine motivator, but an unhealthy sense of perfectionism (the variant I often encounter) can be an inescapable journey to unhappiness. Perfectionism accentuates the failures and does nothing to acknowledge positives, offering 99 opportunities to fail in a world of 100 possible outcomes. Unable to experience successes and living in a world in which failure and fault are an enduring narrative, perfectionists often look to others for approval and validation, often setting a curiously low bar for what they are willing to tolerate, and creating a reliance that only furthers their sense of insecurity. Fortunately, I have the wisdom of Donald Winnicott on which to lean, and on the occasions I meet with the perfectionist mind, I offer a two-pronged response. First, I tell them something they already know: ‘perfect’ is impossible. You can always try harder, work longer, or do more. Second, I offer something they may not have considered: be ‘good enough’. It was advice first given to me by an old therapist of mine. Overly stressed and anxious about a due assignment, I was desperate to excel and put myself under so much pressure I had lost any sense of perspective. My anxiety and stress had escalated to the point where it was no longer in a place of any logic at all, and I regularly found myself sitting down and writing perfectly cogent sentences
and paragraphs, and then quickly deleting them, swearing at myself under my breath. By the point of our discussion, I was convinced that I was going to fail, not because I didn’t know the answers to the question posed, but because I was lost in a place of only being able to see where I could fall short of an impossible pressure. Explaining this in one of our sessions, my therapist asked if I thought I would be a significantly better practitioner for scoring 100% on my assignment, or if it was even possible. I replied that I wouldn’t, and it probably wasn’t. She asked if I could tolerate my own imperfections? She called me an egotist. The negotiations were underway. What internal forces drove that sense of pressure was a topic we would often return to, but managing the symptoms of it was the immediate task at hand, and her guidance allowed me to step back from the panic I was feeling, and help me see that the most important thing was just to pass, not prove I was the smartest person in the room. She asked me to produce something that was just ‘good enough’, and to stop punishing myself as much as I clearly was. I was able to see the whole board. I went home motivated anew, and completed the assignment that evening. I was later diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), which explained a lot but, in the meantime, her words gave me a lot of comfort and perspective. My old therapist sadly passed away a couple of years ago, and so
will never know how I think of that moment in her counselling room each time I remind my clients that they’re good enough, or when I reflect to them that their perfectionist mindset only blinds them to their achievements, even if it falls short of their initial aim. I am parroting her words when I remind them their chastising of themselves achieves nothing other than making them feel worse. When I see it resonate with my clients, I see the same smile I saw growing on her face; the look of someone who has given another the freedom to be human simply by releasing the pressure valve. She wasn’t perfect – we had an argument which ran for nearly a year after she insisted she didn’t know who Road Runner and Wile E Coyote were, and I should explain the metaphor I was using in more detail (she definitely did, despite her protests, but never caved, not even during our final session when I asked her again about it) – but she was more than good enough. And thanks in no small part to her, there are more people in the world who believe they are good enough too.
David Levy is a counsellor and writer working in private practice in London and online, and with the charity ADHD UK. To find out more, visit counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | Issue 62 | 69
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Photography: Will Young | Joseph Sinclair, Dr Radha | Ray Burmiston, Laura Brand | Jenny-May Finn
I am. I have
Happiful reads... From figuring out how to navigate life’s ups and downs to learning to embrace introversion, we share four books you won’t want to miss this month Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
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id you envision that you would be in a particular place in your life by a certain age? Or were you on the right page until life threw you off course? Like everyone, we’re only human, so we tend to fear when things go wrong because we want to avoid feeling any sort of discomfort or lack of control. But what would happen
How to Grow Through What You Go Through by Jodie Cariss & Chance Marshall Out now
if we just embraced it? Perhaps it’s time to look at our mishaps as an opportunity to learn, and grow through what we go through... This insightful read by therapists Jodie Cariss and Chance Marshall proactively
equips you with the tools needed to navigate the ups and downs of life through techniques of mental maintenance and confidence building, so you can be the resilient being that you are.
All on the Board by All on the Board Out now For the past five years, daily quotes and thoughts left on the London Underground station boards by TFL employees have pulled at our heartstrings. Now, the heart-warming duo are continuing their mission to spread love and happiness with a book packed full of powerful, inspirational content that will brighten up your day. All aboard to Waterstones!
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain Out now Observant, compassionate, sensitive: all qualities that come with being introverted, yet so often they can be overlooked, or misjudged. Bestselling author Susan Cain challenges the societal misconceptions of an introvert, and helps us to recognise the vast capabilities of this one personality type.
Book covers | Amazon.co.uk
Must reads The Switch by Beth O’Leary Out now Ever wondered what it would be like to switch lives with someone? A grandmother in search of love and a granddaughter facing a sabbatical at work do exactly that! Unfulfilled and in search of new possibilities, they switch lives as part of a journey to understand themselves. But will they find what they’re looking for?
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Seven steps to self-love The most valuable relationship you have is the one with yourself, so recognising the ways you can nurture it is vital. Here are seven arms of self-love that come together to create a wholesome, and well-rounded, connection with that person who’s been from day dot: you Writing | Rebecca Thair
Self-awareness
Self-trust
Getting to know yourself, your needs and values, as well as what you want to work on, can be a rejuvenating experience. A great way to explore this is through journaling (see p83), or by having in-depth discussions with people you trust about how they see you – is there anything you can learn by changing your perspective?
Know your own mind. You don’t need to pretend to like something to impress others or fit in with the crowd. And if something doesn’t feel right to you – whether it’s a relationship that could be turning toxic, or a job that doesn’t feel fulfilling – trust your gut, it’s probably trying to tell you something that you need to look into further.
Self-expression This is all about tuning-in to your thoughts and emotions, and finding an outlet for them. This could be through a creative pursuit, such as writing or painting, or speaking up and giving your feelings a voice.
Self-care We all know the phrase: ‘You can’t pour from an empty cup.’ And this is what self-care is – replenishing your own emotional, physical, and mental energy reserves before you can keep supporting others. It’s taking time (whether a brief moment, or a few hours) to do something for yourself, whether it’s 10 minutes to meditate, having a call with a loved one, or an early night. Find what works for you, and refill your cup. 72 | Issue 62 | happiful.com
Self-compassion Adele has the right idea about this one: “Go easy on me.” Tell yourself this whenever that inner critic crops up, or you’re too tough on yourself. Forgive yourself when you aren’t perfect, and let mistakes become lessons. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s more than enough.
Self-respect Consider and enforce your personal boundaries. These are the rules that express your own needs and values, to yourself and others. Do you want to go screenfree on Sundays, or not respond to work emails out of hours? The important thing to remember is that for boundaries to be followed, you can’t just express
them to others and hope they stick. You have to be firm with them, too.
Self-acceptance Feel at peace with who you are by practising gratitude each day. You could work on an affirmation you repeat in the mirror, to serve as a reminder of your unique values and qualities. When you can reach this place of accepting yourself as you truly are, you give yourself the permission to show up and live authentically. And believe me, you deserve that freedom.
positive pointers
Permission to play
Laura Brand is on a magical mission to help us all embrace creativity and welcome joy into our lives. Through her new book, The Joy Journal for Grown-ups, she’s gifting us with permission to be curious and play, in the most beautiful and nature-inspired ways Writing | Lucy Donoughue
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lose your eyes for a moment, and think back to when you were a child. What type of playful, creative activity did you love? Now ask yourself: when was the last time you did that as an adult, and what is stopping you from doing it now? When I did this exercise, I remembered picking up rose petals from the garden and storing them in a jar with water to make ‘perfume’, building elaborate sandcastles bedecked in shells on the beach, and creating a school holiday diary covered in a Smash Hits poster, crammed full of scribbles, postcards, and pictures of day trips and family visits. Decades later, I know that the rose petal perfume probably isn’t worth pursuing, but seeking out shells to appreciate their beauty, keeping a diary, or drawing pictures of moments that really matter to me? They sound like beautiful things to do.
Author and illustrator Laura Brand is dedicated to championing the benefits of engaging in creative play like this for people of all ages. Her personal adoration of creativity stems back to her childhood, and playtime with her own children, Mabel and Peggy, provided the catalyst for curating and writing two truly beautiful books on the subject. “When my daughter was born I started to look for ways to be a little bit more mindful in parenthood, and in general adulthood, so I started engaging her with creativity and nature – my passions,” Laura explains. Their discoveries inspired The Joy Journal for Magical Everyday Play, the publication of which prompted heartwarming reader feedback. “I had so many messages,” Laura beams. “From lovely parents, or the aunts, uncles, and grandparents in some cases, who said that getting outside with
the children, using a little bit of imagination, and being permitted to play in a way that’s a bit slapdash, with an emphasis on ‘have a go’, brought about feelings of nostalgia and a feeling of being nurtured.” These comments inspired Laura to develop her new book, written for adults: The Joy Journal for Grown-ups: 50 homemade craft ideas to inspire creativity and connection. She focused on activities that she loved or wanted to learn, such as candle and soap making, creating wreaths for any occasion, and experimenting with painted glass – all beautiful, ways to slow down, find our flow, and welcome in some joy. Because, as she explains, that’s a really great thing for grown-ups to do, too. “We are still allowed, in adulthood, to play. It’s quite hard to remember and do that, and to feel like we’re making the most of our time. The idea is to invite people to try to get into a creative >>> happiful.com | Issue 62 | 73
mode and play, and for it not to necessarily result in these big final products or projects, but just to have a go.”
At the heart of Laura’s latest work, is the gentle promotion of a phrase that she heard and instantly loved. “It’s about being a joyful beginner,” she shares. “Being in a place of joy and open to the fact that you’ve never done something before, and it might go wrong. That’s all OK.” Laura’s approach is a long way from the hustle culture or toxic productivity we can be susceptible to, where every new skill needs to be capitalised upon, shared online, or constantly worked at to exceed our own and other’s expectations. Making time to create purely for the joy and the experience itself, is the only ask. “In early-years learning, this type of creativity is often called ‘process art’,” Laura explains. “When you invite and encourage 74 | Issue 62 | happiful.com
Photography | Jenny-May Finn
It’s about being a joyful beginner. Being in a place of joy and open to the fact that you’ve never done something before, and it might go wrong. That’s all OK
a child to make something, but you don’t necessarily have an end product in mind. It’s more the idea of what state they’re in when they’re doing it. It’s about whether they are enjoying the play, and if they’re not, then you let it go.” For adults who struggle with perfectionism or the need to excel at something, however,
noticing any frustration around creativity and continuing, could be a good thing. “Surrender to it,” Laura suggests. “If you feel like you’re not good at what you’re doing and it’s causing stuff to come up for you, then you might have to push through – that process is important. It’s fine that you might not be holding up a Picasso at the end!”
positive pointers
Laura Brand’s soy wax melts* This is a brilliant way of repurposing candle ends, and it is also really simple and effective if making fresh with wax beads. I have chosen to use soy wax as it burns with less scent than beeswax and is much easier to clean up, but you can substitute this with the same measurements of beeswax if you want to.
What you will need Makes 12 small melts • Heat proof mixing bowl • Saucepan • 5 tbsp soy wax pellets (or ends of candles) • 1 tbsp coconut oil • 1 tsp essential oil (or try more than one scent) • Silicone ice cube or baking tray (ones with small holes are best for this) • Measuring jug • Jam jar with lid (sterilised and dry) • Optional: 1 tsp dried flowers
Method • Set up a bain-marie by setting a heat proof mixing bowl on top of a small saucepan of water. Make sure the base of the bowl doesn’t touch the water. Turn the heat on to get a rolling boil and then add the wax pellets or candle ends to the mixing bowl to melt. If you want to stir use a metal or plastic spoon, otherwise just leave it to melt. • Once the wax has melted, add the coconut oil and stir.
If you are using one scent, put the essential oil in now and stir again. If you want to use a variety of scents, put a drop of essential oil into each hole of your silicone mould. You can add dried flowers at this point if you want, which looks incredibly pretty but won’t necessarily give off a scent unless they are highly perfumed rose petals or similar. • Carefully pour your melted wax into the measuring jug as the spout will help you distribute the wax between the moulds. The wax will solidify very quickly, so after transferring into the moulds they will be ready in 5 minutes. • They will melt more slowly in your burner if you let them settle for 24 hours before using, so pop them out of the moulds and into a jar to keep or give as a gift! • If you are pregnant, please only use essential oils if you have checked their suitability.
it reaches the end of the wax and, while still warm, wipe with kitchen roll. Soy wax comes away easily with soapy water. Otherwise, pour boiling water in to soften the wax and catch the wax beads which will form on the surface with a piece of kitchen roll and dispose of the water.
Why I love it These wax melts seem to make the scent in an oil burner go further and using soy wax means it cleans really easily. They also look good enough to eat in their sweet, small shapes and can be popped into a clean lidded jar to make a thoughtful homemade gift.
Making it your own You can add dried botanicals to the wax melts, and because they aren’t in direct contact with a flame, they will heat with the molten wax. Lavender has a relaxing aroma and looks very beautiful.
How you can use this I use my wax melts in a ceramic oil burner. I pop the shapes into the top well and light the candle, which will slowly melt the wax and diffuse the scent into the room. When I put the candle out, or if it burns out, the wax will harden and you can continue to use that the next time you are looking to add fragrance to your space. When you want to clean out the diffuser, you can wait until
*Extract from ‘The Joy Journal for Grown-ups: 50 homemade craft ideas to inspire creativity and connection’ by Laura Brand (bluebird books for life, £16.99), out now. happiful.com | Issue 62 | 75
How to slow down time The older we get, the faster the years pass, but what if there was a way to slow things down and savour every moment? Writing | Kat Nicholls
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o you remember how long the summer holidays felt when you were a kid? Weeks stretched out like aeons, and the next school year was but a distant dream. As we grow up, those weeks seem to shrink. Suddenly, we find ourselves in disbelief – not quite sure how another year has passed. Time is a tricky thing, and our perception of it can stretch and shrink. When we’re young, we haven’t got many years under our belts, so
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it tracks that years feel longer (for a 10-year-old, one year is 10% of their life). Children are also developing, soaking up new information and growing. They’re having more new experiences, and creating formative memories. As adults, one year feels like a blink of an eye compared to the number of years we’ve been around. We have far fewer new experiences, and tend not to be learning and growing at such a rapid pace. Days become more formulaic and predictable, making them seamlessly blend together. After all, our brains can only hold onto a certain amount of memories, so unless we do something out of the
Illustrating | Rosan Magar
ordinary, we’re likely to let go of the same-y ones. Now we understand why time rushes past as we age, what can we do to slow our perception of time?
1. Inject some new experiences Routine and sameness makes the days whizz by, so try to incorporate spontaneity into your life. Taking trips to explore new places, learning a new skill, and connecting with new people are all brilliant ways to do this, but it can be as simple as finding a different lunchtime walking route,
positive pointers
or changing up where you’re working from. Tap into your inner child and see the world through their lens. Ask ‘Why?’ more often, say yes even when it scares you, and follow the threads of your curiosity – see where you end up.
2. Pay attention and savour more An easy way to hit the pause button in your daily life is to be more mindful and pay attention. This may be noticing the gorgeous light streaming through the window, taking a minute to relish your morning coffee, or even being fully present during a conversation. Savouring is about really enjoying and taking in every detail of something. This may look like going for a walk and focusing on the way the sunshine feels on your skin, or taking pictures of the flowers you pass. Try engaging all your senses and notice what you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel. When we stop to pay attention, we pull ourselves out of auto-pilot, and plant ourselves in the present.
3. Start single-tasking
The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot understandably, can make it feel as if time’s going by faster. Single-tasking encourages us to focus on one thing at a time which, as well as improving productivity, can help us slow down the perception of time. So, next time you have a task to do, shut out any distractions and focus on that, and only that.
4. Carve out some white space The more we stuff our time with to-dos, the more our days feel rushed. We slip into reactive mode, and lack a sense of spaciousness. One way to change this is to intentionally carve out white space, i.e. space to do nothing. Space to stare at the clouds, to just listen to music, to daydream.
When we do this, we stimulate the default mode network in our brain. This acts like a factory reset, helping you to recognise how you’re feeling and where you’re ‘at’.
5. Start a reflective practice Finding a way to reflect on your days is a wonderful way to capture the passing of time, and give it the weight of significance it deserves. You may want to try journaling, drawing, scrapbooking, or even just chatting about your day with a loved one. Here are some reflective prompts to get you started: • What felt good today? • What small moment do you want to remember about today? • What excited you most today? Hopefully these ideas will help you slow things down and embrace the day-to-day because, as motivational speaker Michael Altshuler said, “The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.” If you want to thrive, not just survive, you may find it helpful to chat with a coach. Learn more at lifecoach-directory.org.uk
When we try to do many things at once, our attention flits around like a butterfly which,
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Often what feels like the end of the world is really a challenging pathway to a far better place KAREN SALMANSOHN
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Photography | ikidhimase
The solution to your burnt-out brain:
yoga nidra
Are you finding it hard to focus, or even to string a coherent sentence together? When burnout hits, the secret to de-stress could be found in this ancient yoga practice Writing | Uma Dinsmore-Tuli
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s your brain feeling fried? Have your thoughts checked out – or worse still, are they spinning endlessly, and you can’t turn them off? Maybe you can’t get to sleep, or you’re nodding off in meetings, or waking up in the middle of the night totally wired? If you know, you know; all these unpleasant experiences are signs of burnout, and it can feel like a desperate situation – maybe on a bad day you can even smell the smoke from your over-fired nervous system? Thankfully there’s a balm that offers the perfect solution to quieten your burnt-out brain: the yoga of sleep. Yes, yoga nidra literally means the ‘sleep of the yogis’. And it’s probably not what you’re expecting…
What is yoga nidra? When you think of yoga, you might conjure up images of
sweaty contortions to improve flexibility – but yoga has so many other important elements and benefits. Yoga nidra is an ancient form of yoga that helps you relax and hover on the threshold of sleep – effectively it’s a meditation on the moment of falling asleep. And it’s the perfect potent balm for your burnt-out brain. Yoga nidra has the effect of reducing stress so you can sleep better, and it can boost your creativity. It’s so simple that you can easily practise at home. This restful yoga requires no physical movement whatsoever. Instead, you listen, and are skillfully talked into the fringes of sleep. Hovering there, you often drop off. It’s the perfect antidote for burnout: horizontal yoga under your blanket or duvet. So how does it work? All you do is rest for around 20 minutes, listening to a yoga nidra
recording, as your body and mind naturally restore themselves to balance and quiet. You don’t even need to pay any particular attention, just be there and hear the voice. And rest, very deeply.
Where did yoga nidra originate? This nurturing and healing practice is the fastest-growing form of yoga in the world, and it originates in ancient India. The special state of yoga nidra – the ‘yogic sleep’ – is described in many ancient South Asian epic poems. Yoga Nidra Shakti herself even shows up as a super-powerful goddess in an ancient hymn to the triumph of the Great Divine Mother – she sends Vishnu, the sustainer of the known universe, into such a deep sleep that no one else can wake him up. Yes, yoga nidra is that powerful. >>> happiful.com | Issue 62 | 79
How does yoga nidra work? The truly wonderful thing about yoga nidra is that pretty much anyone can do it – it’s completely accessible. Anyone who has ever fallen asleep can practice yoga nidra because it is a conscious meditation upon the very natural process of falling asleep. All you need to do is to lie down and listen; notice what happens and be with just that. The more you practise yoga nidra, the more easily you can cultivate the capacity to drop off anytime you need. And when you wake up – bingo! The burnt-out brain feels restored, even if 80 | Issue 62 | happiful.com
you have only been resting for 20 minutes. How does the magic happen? Neurologically speaking, what is actually going on inside your head during yoga nidra is a gradual settling of electrical activity in the brain. As you rest, your brain waves cycle down from high-stress top levels of beta (extreme anxiety), through restful reveries of alpha waves, and down into dreamy states of theta waves, until you may, quite likely, come to rest for a while in delta waves of deepest sleep, where vital repair and restoration happens. It will take you about 15 or 20 minutes a day to practise, and
It’s a meditation on the moment of falling asleep you don’t need to move a muscle to do it. This is one of the most accessible, simple, and effective of all yoga practices. All you need is a space to lie down and listen. That’s it.
Try yoga nidra for yourself It couldn’t be easier. There are three simple steps to taste yoga nidra at home or work right now: 1. Build your ‘nidra nest’ and settle in 2. Choose your recording 3. Lie down, listen, and rest
Build your nidra nest It’s worth taking time to get settled. You’ll get better quality rest if you make a comfortable nest in which to practise yoga nidra. The minimal equipment required is a mat or rug (or sofa or bed), a pillow, and enough covers to keep warm, because body temperature tends to drop rapidly during practice. And that’s it. If your intention is to fall asleep, then the best place to practise is in your bed, because if you do drop off you can continue to sleep soundly.
Choose your recording carefully This is where you need to get a bit picky. There are thousands of ‘yoga nidra’ recordings on the world wide web of wonders and terrors. A lot of them are random folk reading scripts they found in a yoga book – sometimes you can hear them turning the pages
– and others may sound stressed themselves. And then – here’s a paradox – even if you have found a recording with a voice you like, and it feels relaxing, some yoga nidra recordings conclude with a cheerful announcement telling you it’s time to rise and shine. Clearly, this is not what you want in the wee small hours when you have finally got your frazzled brain to let you drop off.
What is actually going on inside your head during yoga nidra is a
ex-insomniac hypnotherapist Nirlipta Tuli, co-founder of the Yoga Nidra Network. Nirlipta’s deep bass-baritone voice and soporific nidra style have led him to be known as ‘The Barry White of yoga nidra’. On the other hand – if you want a 20-minute antidote to the afternoon slump, then choose a nidra that’s designed to boost your creativity, and help you awaken full of bright ideas, raring to go. Thankfully, many topquality yoga nidra recordings, specially designed for these very different purposes, are in my book, Yoga Nidrā Made Easy. So, why not give yoga nidra a go for yourself? Settle in for some sound slumber, and give your burnt-out brain a rest.
gradual settling of electrical activity in the brain If you want yoga nidra to help you get to sleep and stay asleep, it’s vital to choose a recording that is not going to wake you up at the end. So pick one specially for the purposes of helping you sleep – like the ones by the
‘Yoga Nidrā Made Easy: Deep Relaxation Practices to Improve Sleep, Relieve Stress and Boost Energy and Creativity’ by Uma Dinsmore-Tuli and Nirlipta Tuli (Hay House, £10.99) is out now. happiful.com | Issue 62 | 81
Reclaim your story Healing requires time, but with it you can take back control over the narrative
Follow the dreams y o u w e re m a d e t o d o ub t
Compliment yourself on something you used to criticise Make new memories in places you wanted to forget
Speak your mind on subjects where you were previously silenced
Nurture the skills you were told you could never have
Al l o w y o u rs e l f t o t r y ,
without the fear of failure
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