THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH
Trust your instincts It's time to nourish one of our most powerful tools: self-trust
MARCH 2021
On the clock Work smarter not harder!
The best version of me loading...
Creative ambitions
12
surprising symptoms of depression
Forget working 9-5, it's all about 9 to thrive! We're here to make WFH work for you...
• T R Y A N E G AT I V I T Y FA S T • E M B R A C E YO U R P O W E R H O U R • S E T I N T E N T I O N S •
Empowering reminders that can be worn everywhere.
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S O U L A N A LY S E .C O M Changing the way you speak to yourself.
Grow through what we’re going through They say to “work smarter, not harder”, but for many of us it’s been a case of both for the past year! We’ve had to adjust to a new way of life where our personal and professional lives are often colliding, and in the midst of that chaos, where’s the space for us? For some people, this may be a refreshing thing as we find our flow and a new natural rhythm, yet others may feel like, at best, they’re treading water – and at worst, struggling just to stay afloat. However you feel, we want to be there to help you to get the most out of your working situation. Whether you’re looking for support on how to survive the challenge of working from home, or need ideas on how to hone-in on a new career path, we’ve got you covered. Packed with inspiration, this issue guides you through creating your own personal development plan (with insight from a qualified life coach), essential tips for turning your passion into profit, and simple steps to nuture your self-trust.
Plus we’ve got motivational insight from the nation’s favourite PE teacher, Joe Wicks, food for thought with a feature on how to create your own ‘power hour’, plus a guide to managing the negativity invading your space. With so much of our lives spent at our jobs, it’s never been more vital to ensure our routines, boundaries, and work lives are serving us – we deserve no less! We hope this issue fills you with the confidence to reclaim your career, but if you find yourself spiralling in self-doubt, or feel overwhelmed by all we’re contending with at the moment, I want you to think of the following words from writer Brandi L Bates: “Some roses grow through concrete. Remember that.” Happy reading.
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REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR
I | @happiful_magazine
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Work wonders 17 WFH? Make it work for you
Whether it’s just temporary or you’re in it for the long haul, try these tips
25 Smash your to-do list
How to be productive while still being kind to yourself
34 Can you take it?
How to embrace the ‘constructive’ part of criticism
71 Relight your fire
Turn your passion into a career
80 What’s the plan?
How to plot your personal goals
Relationships
Positive pointers
Wellbeing
44 How to have an argument
14 What is a negativity fast?
22 Speak up
50 Baby, let’s talk
20 Create your power hour
What can pre-baby preventive counselling do for your relationship?
68 The therapy talk
Ways to broach the topic when a loved one needs help
90 Dealing with grief
Our expert answers questions on life after loss
Try this at home 33 Refresh your break 47 Facts to make you smile 75 Energise your week 84 Cleaning with low-mood 98 Tough day?
Start your day the right way
30 The best intentions
Harness the power that allows us to live a fulfilled life
61 Look out for number one How to build self-trust
How to change the way you live with the power of words
26 What is tokophobia?
We explore the fear of pregnancy and childbirth
40 Joe Wicks
Top tips for managing motivation
86 12 signs of depression
77 Life after burnout
Leanne Pero on the side of survivorship that’s rarely discussed
61
Do you know these less common indicators of depression?
Culture 8 Good news
This month’s uplifting stories
13 The wellbeing wrap 55 A new chapter
This month’s good reads
92 Things to do in March
Feel-good food 48 Go on a journey
Transport yourself with bite-sized pieces of food inspiration
56 Soul food
Indulge in these delicious hearty dinner recipes
58 Rise and shine
Struggle to get up in the morning? Mixing up your diet could be key
True stories 37 Alex & Lisa: spot the signs By supporting each other, the friends found solace in sobriety
65 Adam: finding my voice His stutter sparked anxiety, but therapy unlocked his confidence
50
40
95 Laura: breaking the cycle With time, Laura learned to escape the pressures of anorexia
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Expert review
Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively. We spend a large amount of our life working – this is typical for most, and is a general truth. However, as we can become so focused on our work, sometimes we can forget to take a step back and look after our wellbeing and, with many of us working from home over the past year, this has become even harder. Head over to p17 for practical and helpful tips on how to manage this better. Managing work-home life, all in the same environment, brings new challenges – but there are subtle changes we can integrate to create a more harmonious home for ourselves and also the people we live with. RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)
Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.
Expert Panel
Our team
Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue
EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Head Writer
BIBI JAMIESON
GRAEME ORR
MA (Hons) MBACP
MBACP (Accred) Reg Ind
Bibi is an integrative psychotherapeutic counsellor.
Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.
Chelsea Graham | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer Katie Hoare | Digital Marketing & Content Officer Grace Victory | Columnist Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor
RACHEL COFFEY
SEAN MURPHY
Janette Owen | Sub-Editor
BA MA NLP Mstr
BA MSc
Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor
Rachel is a life coach, encouraging confidence.
Sean is a psychotherapist specialising in anxiety disorders and addictions.
Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product
ART & DESIGN Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator
JOANNE GREAVES
PAULA COLES
Dip.Couns MBACP
BA Hons MEd (Psych) BACP
Joanne is a counsellor specialising in anxiety, panic, and phobias.
Paula is a psychotherapist and clinical supervisor.
JANE MILNE
NATASHA CROWE
BSc PgCert PgDip
Ad Dip Cp Dip Hyp MHS MNCS
Jane is a life coach helping clients discover a sense of motivation.
Natasha is a psychotherapist and hypnotherapist.
JULIA TRICKETT
MICHAELLA MAZZONI
Bsc (Hons) PGDip
DipCNM mBANT CNHC
Julia is a Reiki Master, a teacher, and remote energy healer.
Michaella is a nutritional therapist, supporting gut health.
UTA BOELLINGER
EMILY FENNELL
Dip.Nut mBANT rCNHC
BA MPhil D.Hyp GQHP
Uta is a nutritional therapist specialising in fertility.
Emily is a hypnotherapist specialising in curative hypnotherapy.
NORA ALLALI-CARLING
CHLOE GOSIEWSKI
BA PGCE MBACP NCS
AdvDip MAC MHFA NLP
Nora is a counsellor and psychotherapist in private practice.
Chloe is a coach focused on personal development and travel coaching.
Tamyln Izzett | Graphic Designer
COMMUNICATIONS
Alice Greedus | PR Officer alice.greedus@happiful.com
CONTRIBUTORS
Fiona Thomas, Jane Milne, Jenna Farmer, Dr Luke Powles, Emily Fennell, Chloe Gosiewski, Dilly Carter, Laura Zuber, Alex Walker, Lisa Elsworth, Adam Black
SPECIAL THANKS
Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Bibi Jamieson, Joanne Greaves, Sean Murphy, Paula Coles, Michaella Mazzoni, Natasha Crowe, Julia Trickett, Uta Boellinger, Nora Allali-Carling
MANAGEMENT
Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
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GENERAL LISTENING LINES
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SANEline SANEline offers support and information from 4.30pm–10.30pm: 0300 304 7000 Mind Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk Switchboard Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt
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CONNECT WITH OTHERS LIVING WITH DEPRESSION Join Depression UK’s pen-friend scheme, and learn more about living with depression at depressionuk.org
Cover photography | Thien Dang
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WORK WITH A CAREER COACH Find out more about coaching, and take your career to the next level by connecting with a career coach by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk
Cover artwork by Charlotte Reynell
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The Uplift
WELLBEING
Thousands return to nature in search of pandemic relief When things get tough, a go-to piece of advice is: “Get some fresh air and take a breather.” And a new study published in PLOS ONE reveals that, throughout the pandemic, people are doing just that. The research, which involved residents of the US state of Vermont, examined how the Covid-19 pandemic has impacted people’s relationships with nature. One of the first published studies of its kind, it recorded notable increases in participation in several outdoor activities, including walking (70%), wildlife watching (64%), relaxing outside alone (58%), and creating art (54%). When asked how they thought the increased time spent outdoors had benefited them, respondents had many positive experiences to report. Nearly 60% pointed to improved mental health and wellbeing after being outdoors, 29% noticed the value in appreciating nature’s beauty, and 22% felt a connection to something bigger than themselves. Dr Rachelle Gould, the study’s senior author and an assistant professor at the University of Vermont, says: “This data is like a treasure chest of the pandemic moment: a record of how people have been thinking about their relationship with the rest of the world in a time of great upheaval.” Around the globe, during many uncertain months, many of us have sought comfort in returning to the simple and the small. And one thing’s for sure, the ability to find solace in nature is as universal as it comes. Writing | Katie Hoare
BOOKS
A new era begins for Mr Men and Little Miss series You’re invited to be a part of the history of the franchise Their bright pages lined many of our childhood bookshelves and, even as these simple fables enter their 50th year, the charm of Mr Men and Little Miss shows no sign of wearing thin. The series – created by late, beloved British author and illustrator Roger Hargreaves – began in 1971 and is about to mark its anniversary by offering five new characters for the public to vote on. The new line-up includes: Mr Calm, Little Miss Kind, Little Miss Brave, Little Miss Energy, and
Mr Brilliant – and it’s up to you to decide which two characters should join the iconic collection, with voting now open online. Considering what makes the series so popular, Adam Hargreaves, son of the original creator, says: “It’s amazing to see people are still connecting with the books after 50 years. They have always been about getting people to identify the different traits of their own personalities, so it’s great to involve the fans and let them help shape the next 50 years of Mr Men.”
They say there’s a Mr Men or Little Miss character inside all of us and, with a cast of more than 90 characters to explore, the series is set to continue to capture the imaginations of millions. Head to mrmen.com to learn more. Voting closes 31 March. Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
CHARITY
Let your mask do the talking Hiding two-thirds of our face, masks might not be the first thing you think of when discussing self-expression. But as we near the one-year anniversary of this pandemic, we’re embracing their potential to say who we are and what we stand for. In a bid to help us do just that and raise funds for its vital work, the Mental Health Foundation charity has launched masks featuring the charity’s symbolic green ribbon. “We wanted to create a product that encourages people to show kindness to each other, while
raising funds and awareness for mental health,” marketing officer Roshane Baker tells Happiful. “Over the past year, one of the many ways that people have shown kindness is to follow government guidelines to help keep others safe.” As well as offering a chance to show support, masks play a key role in slowing the spread of Covid-19. Research is ongoing, but according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) there have been seven studies in the US confirming the benefit of universal masking.
Wearing a mask can be an incredible act of kindness. Why not take that up a notch with a mask that adds another dimension to giving? You can purchase the masks at mentalhealth.org.uk Writing | Kat Nicholls
happiful.com | March 2021 | 9
COMMUNITY
Photography | In Good Company
88ft mural is asking passers-by to think big about togetherness Something that can often be said for artwork is that it’s larger than life, capturing our attention and imagination – and that’s certainly true for the new 88ft mural adorning a seven-storey high building in the centre of Leeds. Designed by the graphic artist Anthony Burrill – in collaboration with In Good Company – the piece offers a message of unity that will strike a chord with many of us this year, with the bold black and white words: “ME & YOU. YOU & ME”. Although planning for the installation began in 2019, after a year where many of us have felt disconnected from those we love, the simple words of the artwork feel particularly touching. Anthony sees street art as a way to give back to a community, but the sentiment of this particular work spread around the globe, with the photos going viral online. “The reaction to the piece has been absolutely mind-blowing,” says Laura Wellington, In Good Company’s founder and curator, “further reinforcing my mantra that art brings us together, has the ability to turn a frown upside down, and is essential.” Discover more by heading to ingoodcompanyleeds.com Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
happiful.com | March 2021 | 11
Take 5
It’s time to challenge your mind with this month’s puzzle picks – maths and logic is a must, so get those mental gears in motion. Good luck!
Cross sum
This mathematical puzzle needs solving! Use the digits 1 to 9 in the grid in order to solve six different sums. Each number can only be used once, and the operations in each equation (+, -, x, ÷) apply left to right, or top to bottom. Thinking caps at the ready...
x + -
+
÷
÷ x
+ =15
x x
=13 you How did ch do? Sear at ' 'freebies piful.com shop.hap nswers, ea to find th e! and mor
x
=2
=2
K
E
=56 =77
E
S O N
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F
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Word slide
Try to unravel this crossword with no clues! Use logic to decipher which letters fall in which light-shaded box – but remember letters can only move horizontally or vertically from their position at the edge of the grid. CLUE: Nature
R
E S R
E
V
A
T O X
The
wellbeing wrap London buses are turned into ambulances to ease the strain on the NHS during the pandemic
France got its first Michelin-starred vegan restaurant (and it’s one of only about a dozen worldwide)
Rock on
Giving a whole new meaning to ‘social bubbles’, US band The Flaming Lips put on concerts in Oklahoma where the group and crowd enjoyed the show from inflatable balls. Each bubble can fit up to three people, and features a speaker to ensure everyone can hear clearly, plus signs to flag if you’re too hot or need the loo.
IN SOME GREAT NEWS FOR REPRESENTATION, JAMIE FOXX MADE HISTORY AS THE FIRST BLACK LEAD EVER IN A PIXAR FILM, AND NOW HIS MOVIE, SOUL, HAS BROKEN RECORDS FOR PIXAR WITH MORE THAN 1.7 BILLION STREAMS.
PAWS FOR THOUGHT
M&S bolsters government school meal vouchers from £15 to £20.
The connection with our pets is hard to match – as Russell Jones from London recently found out. His animal’s antics went viral when he shared footage of his dog limping alongside him, while his own foot was in a plaster cast. After spending £300 on X-rays and vet bills, it turned out that his lurcher Bill was hopping along out of sympathy, mimicking his beloved owner!
Working 9 to 5
Egg farmers in Cornwall donate 10s of thousands of eggs to food banks to save them from waste
A 78-year-old man regains his sight after being the first person ever to receive an artificial cornea
There’s a lot of things we’re missing from life before the pandemic, and it seems our viewing habits might reveal yet another. The Office was the most streamed show of 2020, according to Nielsen (a media research company in America), with more than 57 billion minutes watched! Maybe we’re after a moment of light relief, or perhaps it’s a sign we’re missing our colleagues and coffee-break chats. Time for a team catch-up to reconnect? IN PERHAPS THE LEAST SURPRISING NEWS OF THE YEAR, GOOGLE SEARCHES FOR ‘LOUNGEWEAR’ WERE UP 488% YEAR ON YEAR DURING LOCKDOWN 3.0! THE COMFY AND COSY REVOLUTION IS HERE.
What do you meme?
After photos of politician Bernie Sanders, sat wrapped up in gloves and a scarf, at President Joe Biden’s inauguration went viral, the 76-yearold came up with an innovative idea to turn it all into something really positive. Bernie sold merchandise featuring his iconic photo, and raised more than $1.8 million for charity!
Get inked
Whether it’s a meaningful quote or a cute character, people love pop culture references for tattoos, but where do they get their inspiration? By analysing Instagram hashtag data, PlayLikeMum have revealed the top Disney films and characters for skin art, with Alice in Wonderland, The Lion King, and Lilo & Stitch in the top three.
SPOTIFY HAS RECENTLY HAD A PATENT GRANTED, WHICH ENABLES THE SERVICE TO RECOMMEND MUSIC BASED ON YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE. UTILISING VOICE RECOGNITION TECHNOLOGY, IT CAN ASSESS YOUR RHYTHM, INTONATION, STRESS, AND OTHER VOCAL INDICATORS TO DETERMINE YOUR MOOD, AND THEN OFFER SONGS IN LINE WITH HOW YOU’RE FEELING!
I’ve got the music in me Looking to develop a skill, unlock a passion, or find a new hobby in lockdown? Perhaps it’s time to explore your musicality. A study by DIYS.com has discovered that learning an instrument can increase your IQ by 10% – so you can grow your mind, as well as your creativity and skillset. Now for the hard part – do you try the violin, the piano, or the drums? I guess it might depend on how much you like your neighbours...
What is a
negativity fast?
If you’re regularly bogged down by negative thoughts, it might be time to change the narrative with one ‘fast’ that we can endorse Writing | Katie Hoare
W
Illustrating | Rosan Magar
hen I think of fasting, it’s often associated with giving up some of the good stuff, such as chocolate or cake! But a negativity fast is quite the opposite: it’s actively tuning out of the negativity around you, and reframing your mindset to a more automatic positive approach. Many of us find it tough to quieten negativity, especially at the moment when it can feel like we’re faced with scary stats everywhere we turn. So unless we make a conscious decision to step away, negativity might stick around. That said, a negativity fast isn’t about ignoring the bad things, but instead making a
14 | March 2021 | happiful.com
determined effort to manage the negativity you consume, to acknowledge when you’re spiralling into a cycle of unkind thoughts, and retrain your mindset. There are a few general ways of getting started, so discover these simple practises you can apply to your own circumstances, and reap the rewards of clarity and harmony.
ACKNOWLEDGE NEGATIVITY The first step is to acknowledge when you’re struggling with negative thoughts, or outside influences. Therapist and coach Sean Murphy says that by picking up on them, we
welcome a state of clarity. “The most useful approach to your own negative thinking is to shine a light on it. Most of our thinking is unconscious, and few people walk around intentionally trying to be negative! If you truly become aware of your thinking (your assumptions, judgments, and explanations of life) many things become clearer.” Understanding how the negativity you consume – or even express – affects your mental health is key, particularly the effects of prolonged exposure to negativity, which can induce high anxiety. This could be a challenging friendship, an ongoing struggle with selfesteem, or social media.
positive pointers
Gratitude is an antidote to negativity. Try it – it’s very hard to be negative and thankful at the same time
“Constantly focusing on the negative things in life has an effect on the brain, and switches up our overall anxiety levels, telling us we’re in danger, and that we need to be on high alert,” says counsellor Joanne Greaves. “Our mind starts to come up with ways to keep us safe, in the form of negative scenarios of things that could happen, to try to pre-empt the perceived danger.”
SET AN INTENTION Research suggests that it takes, on average, 66 days to form a new habit, so in this case, you could practise a negativity fast for 10 weeks, setting new habit goals such as asking yourself a question before you make a snap
judgment, or dedicating a few minutes each day to note any negative conversations you have. Sean says a journal is helpful in this instance to record ‘invisible’ assumptions. “When you get to know these assumptions, you’ll get to know that they can be substituted for better thoughts
quite quickly,” he explains. “Try changing, ‘I must not make a mistake’ to ‘Mistakes are signs I’m trying something new or challenging. If I’m not making mistakes, I’m probably not making anything, full stop!’” When you have set your intention(s) re-read them, and >>>
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If you find yourself getting caught in a spiral of negative thoughts, it’s helpful to identify the trigger then ask yourself if you’ve applied kindness and honesty towards them.
MANAGE NEGATIVE INFLUENCES It’s common in life to encounter someone whose energy just doesn’t fit with yours, and that’s OK, we’re all unique. But when this clash comes at a detriment to your mental wellbeing, you can take action to distance yourself from the negative influence. This is particularly challenging if it’s someone significant in your life. But practising meditation or mindfulness regularly can help you to observe the thoughts of frustration and negativity, without engaging with them. Joanne says: “With regular practise, you learn to observe and give space to thoughts and accept that they are just thoughts, and let them pass in their own time. This can be very difficult if your anxiety is high, but setting a small amount of
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time every day to practise gets the mind in the habit of letting thoughts pass.”
REFRAME YOUR MINDSET If you find yourself getting caught in a spiral of negative thoughts, it’s helpful to identify the trigger, and work through that. This could be through journaling, support groups, or talking therapy. One approach you can try is to practise gratitude; it challenges your negative thoughts and widens your perspective. Sean notes that practising gratitude is now a research-backed method in tackling long-term feelings of negativity. “Gratitude is an antidote to negativity. Try it – it’s very hard to be negative and thankful at the same time.” And gratitude doesn’t have to exist only for the grand gestures – simplicity is the key here. “A reinvigorating hot shower after a run or a favourite biscuit with a cuppa, we need to make the time and space for those moments we appreciate, or they disappear.”
With seven weeks left of my own fast, I still have some learning to do, but the benefits are already starting to blossom.
Sean Murphy is a trainer, coach and therapist with a lifelong interest in small changes making big results.
Joanne Greaves is a counsellor who specialises in anxiety, panic attacks and phobias. For more support with negative thinking, find a therapist on counselling-directory.org.uk
work wonders
Can you rise to the challenge?
Making WFH WFH Making work for for you work Adjusting to a new working environment can be tricky, especially when the boundaries between our personal and professional spaces might become blurred. But with this simple five-step guide, you can quickly rise to the challenge Writing | Fiona Thomas
or years, I was certain that when I grew up I would be a pop star. Call it The X-Factor effect, but I wanted to stand on a stage and scream “ziga-zig-ah” with the best of them. I was a 90s kid and, for me, selfemployment was never brought up as a valid career choice. So I didn’t dream of being my own boss, yet here I am, working from home as a freelance writer, building a business, sending invoices, and doing my own tax return like it was my grand plan all along. I guess life never quite unfolds the way you expect.
Artwork | Charlotte Reynell
This January, the number of people working exclusively from home in the UK rose to 34% as employees were once again asked to work remotely, wherever possible, to minimise the spread of Covid-19. So while you might not be self-employed, there’s a good chance that you currently WFH and, like me, didn’t expect to be doing so. Personally, I love the WFH perks (lunchtime Netflix anyone?), but there’s no denying it’s taken a few years to figure out my working style, so don’t feel bad if you’re still figuring it all out. From puzzling Zoom etiquette and
missing the office atmosphere, to mastering loungewear chic and remembering to take breaks, it’s a whole new world. But there are lots of ways you can make this shift a positive one, with some guidance from yours truly... Be sure to separate your work and home life The concept of boundaries can often feel a bit vague, especially when you spend all your time within the same four walls. But firm boundaries rarely exist without conscious effort, so think about putting some in place for >>>
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your own sake. Try going for a short walk before and after work to simulate a commute, while keeping your phone on airplane mode to prevent unwanted emails or phone calls. Having an end-of-the-day routine can also help send the signal to your brain that work has finished. Something as simple as dimming the lights or changing into comfy clothes can act as the metaphorical door closing on your work responsibilities. Carving out social time with friends is equally as important, so why not keep your lunch hour sacred by arranging a virtual coffee with one of your besties? Rethink productivity As a self-confessed workaholic, I know how easy it can be to link productivity to my sense of self-worth. While you might technically have fewer distractions and more spare time, psychotherapist Paula Coles says that she has observed clients experiencing “fatigue, boredom and hopelessness” related to their new, enforced circumstances. This means you might find it hard to concentrate for long periods, which can result in frustration when you recall how you used to perform at work. Understand that your mind is being subjected to a prolonged period of mental stress, so all those comparisons you’re making to your pre-pandemic self? They’re not helpful. Instead, try to reframe basic self-care (sleep, movement, food, water, regular breaks) as precursors to
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“
Something as simple as dimming the lights or changing into comfy clothes can act as the metaphorical door closing on your work responsibilities
productivity. Planting these seeds of nourishment will give you a better chance of meeting your work goals. Make a self-care corner Set up a little spot on your desk or windowsill with a collection of things that remind you to take care of yourself. You could
include your favourite books, aromatherapy oils, positive affirmations cards, hand cream, and a water bottle. Additionally, a cracking playlist can drastically improve your WFH experience, so experiment with different genres to suit your mood. Maybe you need some 80s bops to get you going in the morning, and an epic movie soundtrack to help you
work wonders
Regain control “Psychology tells us that one of the most stressful things we can experience is ‘learned helplessness’ where we don’t feel we have power, control, or a sense of agency in our lives,” says psychotherapist Paula. “Many people working from home now didn’t actively choose it, so we must try to develop a stronger positive internal locus of control by thinking about what you do have control over.”
focus on a big project? Try some chilled-out acoustic tunes to wind down towards the end of the day, and don’t be afraid to lean into some sad music if the mood takes you. Research shows that listening to sad music can actually help you unpick difficult emotions and induce some therapeutic tears. Communicate Don’t be afraid to set clear expectations around deadlines and your office hours. Just because someone sends you an email at 10pm doesn’t mean you’re required to reply to it. Responding to late-night emails sets a precedent that you’re OK with this, so let your actions do the talking. And if you’re struggling with your workload, remember your boss isn’t a mindreader. Working remotely means they might not be able to pick up on the fact you’re more stressed or tired than usual, so you may need to make a conscious effort to vocalise these issues.
When it feels like a difficult way of life has been forced upon you, challenge yourself to take back your days by creating a gentle routine that plays to your strengths. Do you need quiet time in the morning? Get up early and enjoy a peaceful cuppa. Do you feel overwhelmed when it’s time to clock off? Make a to-do list for the next day. Perhaps you can make the most of the flexibility at home to squeeze in a yoga session on your lunch break? Finally, don’t feel bad if you are enjoying this time at home. “Many of my clients are relieved to not have long commutes, or the pressure of negotiating workplace politics and social dynamics,” says Paula. “Some have even been hugely proactive and completely reconsidered their careers – something they never had the headspace to do before the pandemic.” Fiona Thomas is a freelance writer and author, whose latest book, ‘Out of Office’, is out now. Visit fionalikestoblog.com for more.
BONUS TIPS! • Choose wisely. The more decisions we have to make, the harder they become. It’s tempting to address the simple stuff first, but you’ll make life easier if you address the bigger dilemmas early on. •M aximise your down-time. Utilise being home to crack through your chores. Put a load of washing on before you start work, and when it’s ready, it’s also a signal to look away from your screen break and move around. • I gnite those creative sparks. You’ll be astounded at what a change of scenery can do for your mindset. Move away from your desk to see how a change of location helps you get creative or problem-solve.
Paula Coles is an experienced BACP accredited psychotherapist and clinical supervisor, with nearly 25 years’ experience. To get in touch with Paula, visit counselling-directory.org.uk
happiful.com | March 2021 | 19
POWER UP
Adrienne Herbert, host of the acclaimed podcast ‘Power Hour’ and now author of a book of the same name, shares the simple change to your routine that could transform your whole day... Writing | Lucy Donoughue
A
drienne’s voice is so familiar to me that when we first speak I have to remind myself that we haven’t actually met before. However, she has kept me company on many car journeys, chatting to guests on her ‘Power Hour’ podcast, and in my living room as she encourages me to “dig deep” to finish a workout on the Fiit app. Her words of motivation keep me going when my energy levels are waning, and I need someone to spur me on. It’s something that comes naturally to Adrienne, who describes herself as a “professional encourager”. “I want to help people achieve whatever they want to do,” she says enthusiastically. “We all have different goals; some people want to write a book, some people want to run a marathon, or to start their own business. Sometimes it’s just about getting started, finding the confidence, or making a change so that we can reach our goals.”
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Adrienne firmly believes that creating your own ‘power hour’ can help you prioritise your personal ambitions. “The power hour concept is that if you can dedicate the first hour of that day to yourself, before the rest of the world needs your energy, love, and attention, then that time and how you use it sets the tone for the rest of the day,” she explains. “The power hour will help you to be more creative, more energised, and have more passion and focus. It will give you more patience, too.”
Use your own power hour for whatever will ignite your soul The idea, she shares, is to use your own power hour for whatever will ignite your soul. “If you want to start your day with a run, yoga, reading a book, or even writing your ideas down, by making your personal time
the first thing on your ‘to-do’ list, then it will empower you and power you up. “If you wait until the end of the day to do what you want, then you’re putting yourself at the bottom of your priority list! You’re saying that once you’ve helped and attended to everyone else, if you have some spare time, then you’ll do something for yourself. And then it often doesn’t happen.” For Adrienne, making time for herself means a 5.30am start. She’s under no illusions that this is not an easy choice, but she’s emphatic that it’s worth the effort. “I know that people often wince at that time, especially in the winter,” she laughs. “But that solitude is so important, and it’s hard to cultivate later on in the day. So for me, it’s always worth it. If I have that hour before my son wakes up, before the WhatsApp messages start, before anyone has any expectation on my time, then I can truly do whatever I want. And I get so much done!”
Photography | Nathan Gallagher
positive pointers
Six questions to ask • What energy do you want to have today?
Hear more from Adrienne on Happiful’s podcast, ‘I am. I have’.
• Who can you learn from today? •Who can help you today?
Making time for ourselves, can often be (wrongly) thought of as being indulgent, and that’s a perception Adrienne would like to squash once and for all. “Choosing yourself is not selfish!” she says. “Whatever you want to do in your day, whoever you want to show up for, know that you cannot give what you don’t have. By taking time for yourself first, you’ll have more to give.” In her Power Hour book, Adrienne suggests a number of exercises to help with this and increase your self-awareness – her “six questions before six” are definitely worth a try.
“I share some prompts in the book, but you can write your own questions, too. I particularly like asking myself, ‘What are you most looking forward to today?’ and ‘Who would love to hear from you today?’ With not being able to see people at the moment, we sometimes forget that there are friends and family who would love to connect with us. “It’s a great exercise to focus your attention before you start to take on social media, the news, and the world,” Adrienne adds. “It helps you to be intentional, focused, and move through your day the way you want to.”
• What one thing can you do today to take you closer to where you want to be a year from now? • What are you most looking forward to today? • What are you most grateful for today? Excerpt from ‘Power Hour: How to Focus on Your Goals and Create a Life You Love’ by Adrienne Herbert (Hutchinson, £14.99).
happiful.com | March 2021 | 21
Change your words, i mp ro ve
yo u r
wo rld
The power of language can often be underestimated. But here, life coach Jane Milne explores how we can truly harness the communication possibilities that words and phrases offer in our everyday lives, to benefit our wellbeing Writing | Jane Milne
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e all understand the power of words. We’re much more likely to feel better and behave in ways that improve our general wellbeing when our spoken language and our thoughts are armed with a positive vocabulary. It’s more important now than ever that we talk to ourselves, and others, with compassion and kindness. The more we can learn to do that, the more likely we are to take positive actions to improve our wellbeing, and the happier we’re going to be. Of course, it takes practise! But the results make the effort more than worthwhile. Here are some tips on how to get started...
you’re saying, but also your tone of voice – especially when you’re being critical of yourself or others. It’s a good idea to keep track by making notes in a journal as this really helps to shine a light on the words and phrases that repeatedly crop up when you’re being hard on yourself, and also gives you a list to work with. Nobody’s list of words and phrases will be exactly the same, but there are some which appear time and again, such as ‘should’, ‘failed’, ‘wasn’t good enough’, ‘hopeless’, ‘can’t’. Think about how you would speak to someone you care about; would you use this sort of language? Or would you be more positive and encouraging?
1. Notice what you say and how you say it
“I should exercise more,” “I should work harder,” “I should visit my mother more often.” ‘Should’ is one of the most critical words in your everyday vocabulary. It’s basically a
Becoming aware of the words and phrases you’re regularly using is an important first step. Start to really tune-in, not just to what
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2. Say “Shh!” to ‘should’
shortcut for many underlying negative feelings (frustration, shame, guilt, or regret) and by saying it you can feel demoralised and undermined. It’s difficult to wipe out ‘should’ completely – all those years of that seemingly innocuous little word being such an integral part of your internal and external dialogue make doing that quite a challenge. But you can reduce its power by being more aware of when and why you use it, then practise using alternatives instead. Instead of “I should exercise more,” say, “I’d like to exercise more.” Instead of “I should work harder,” say, “I could work harder.” Instead of “You should help me tidy up,” say, “You could help me tidy up.”
wellbeing
Start to really tune-in, not just to what you’re saying but also to your tone of voice 3. See obstacles as the path Changing our language so that obstacles in our lives become our path can be really helpful. My mother was recently moved into a nursing home and I’m going through the emotional process of clearing out her house ready for sale. To begin with, I was struggling to get going. “I don’t want to go through mum’s things. It’s going to be too painful. I just can’t do it!” I noticed the negative language cropping up in my journal. How could I reframe it? I started to
4. Keep on experimenting
think about what I would discover while I was working my way through mum’s things, what joyful memories would be sparked, and acknowledged that feeling sad at times would be inevitable. As soon as I changed the words I was using from, “I hate this, it’s not fair, it’s too hard,” to, “I have to do this, there are going to be some happy memories, it’s natural that I’ll sometimes feel sad,” I felt empowered and ready to meet the challenge of the task in hand.
The process is ongoing. Being aware of the negative or critical language you’re habitually using and switching to more compassionate and positive words and phrases does take a bit of practise, but it’s well worth the effort. And it’s right there for the taking, for all of us.
Jane Milne is a life coach helping clients discover a sense of motivation. Find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk
happiful.com | March 2021 | 23
“
You do not just wake up and become the butterfly – growth is a process RUPI KAUR
Photography | Dom Aguiar
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work wonders
Smash your to-do list (gently)
We know motivation and energy are in short supply these days. That’s why, now more than ever, we want to promote the adage of ‘work smarter, not harder’ – so, stop fighting your to-do list and start feeling more accomplished with these gentle productivity hacks Writing | Kat Nicholls
Find your power hour
Energy can be a slippery little sucker and, the truth is, we all have different ebbs and flows throughout the day. One of the best ways to harness it is to spot when you feel most energetic. Are you a morning person who feels they can take on the world before 9am? Or do you need a bowl of coffee and a few hours to wake up before you feel ready to face your inbox? Make notes throughout the day of when you feel most energetic, and try to whittle this down to your ultimate ‘power hour’.
Remove (or block) distractions It’s one thing to feel energised and ready to work, it’s another to not let distractions creep in from the sidelines. These can come in various forms, from social media apps winking at us with their irresistible notifications, to that
pile of laundry that’s begging to be put on before you do anything else. Try to remove or block as many distractions as you can, especially during your power hour. Plan a time when you’ll tackle the laundry, and shut it in another room until then. If you have an iPhone, you can use the downtime feature in your screen time settings to limit apps at certain times, or download an app, such as Freedom, that blocks distracting apps and websites.
reminders that we are multifaceted humans, not highly efficient robots!
Take breaks
Write a ‘ta-da list’
Having regular breaks scheduled throughout the day will not only help you to keep your energy up, they can also serve as great motivators. How much can you get done before the next break? To keep your energy going, try to use these breaks as an opportunity to move your body, nourish it with some tasty food, or text a loved one. These breaks can be helpful
Plan rewards
Motivate yourself by planning small rewards for finishing a task. This could be as simple as treating yourself to a biscuit and a cuppa. It may not sound like much, but when you’ve got something to look forward to you’ll be surprised at how much this encourages you to keep going.
Don’t feel like you’ve achieved a lot today? Try writing down all the things you’ve actually done – from showering and calling your mum, to taking care of the kids and signing off a big project at work – and leave nothing out. Look back at it and give yourself some credit for how much you have accomplished. It’s guaranteed to be more than you realised!
happiful.com | March 2021 | 25
A guide to
tokophobia Bringing a child into the world is a huge responsibility and can be a daunting prospect, but for some women the anxiety around becoming a mum runs much deeper. Tokophobia, an extreme fear of pregnancy and childbirth, is debilitating and can influence the way women choose to give birth – or even put them off pregnancy altogether... Writing | Jenna Farmer
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tudies show that up to three-quarters of women may struggle with anxiety when pregnant, but a much smaller minority experience this in the form of tokophobia. A crippling fear of pregnancy and childbirth can take two forms: primary tokophobia (where women who have not previously experienced pregnancy have a fear of either getting pregnant or giving birth), or secondary tokophobia (which develops in those who have already given birth).
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While the data may suggest tokophobia is relatively rare, psychotherapist Natasha Crowe sees many women with it. “It’s more common than you might think. Often clients present with varying degrees of fear and anxiety,” Natasha says. “Some worry about becoming pregnant and the inevitable birth, so many avoid pregnancy or put it off for years.” Dr Ellie Rayner, an obstetrician, gynaecologist and founder of The Maternity Collective agrees: “Tokophobia is one of the most common reasons we see low-risk
pregnant women in the hospital antenatal clinic. In both forms, women can experience high levels of anxiety and depression, and therefore it’s really important it’s recognised and treated as soon as possible.” PRIMARY TOKOPHOBIA A study published in Industrial Psychiatry Journal found that around 13% of non-pregnant women reported they had tokophobia severe enough for them to avoid or postpone pregnancy altogether. And to be
wellbeing
clear, this isn’t simply a case of not wanting to have children, but an extreme fear of pregnancy and labour itself. Often this phobia can exist from childhood and the triggers vary, but are usually related to the stories we see and hear about giving birth. “Our imaginations are a powerful tool, and when birth is often framed with language which is so negative, our minds subconsciously want to avoid discomfort or pain – it’s natural human survival,” explains psychotherapist Natasha. This happened to Louise Walsh, who developed tokophobia after seeing her mum give birth to her brother, when she was aged 10. “I heard her screams and saw her in so much pain,” explains Louise, a registered dermatology and cosmetic nurse, and founder of theskinnurse.co.uk. Louise’s fears escalated as she grew older, until she fell pregnant unexpectedly. “From four weeks onwards I dealt with anxiety and sleepless nights until I was diagnosed with tokophobia. I was booked in for an elective C-section that allowed me to relax somewhat, but I was still very nervous of going into natural labour, and my fear hasn’t gone away since having a child.” >>>
happiful.com | March 2021 | 27
Booking an elective caesarean can ease worries about childbirth, but it’s worth noting that this isn’t always a solution. For some, the fear is so extreme that they are too afraid to get pregnant in the first place, and may even avoid watching television programmes that involve pregnancy in any way. Mum-of-one Rachel Allen, who runs Making Business Social, was desperate to start a family, but just couldn’t contemplate pregnancy. “I’ve never felt that birthing ‘naturally’ was something I could do. The thought of ripping or tearing makes me feel physically sick, so I had a year’s worth of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) which helped me get to a point where I could tolerate the thought of a pregnancy. Part of my treatment was to watch shows such as One Born Every Minute,” she explains. Rachel was eventually referred to a consultant who supported her in having a C-section. “The birth through elective caesarean was excellent, obviously not pleasant, but I was comfortable and happy with my choice. Without that, I would not be mum to my beautiful funny boy today.” SECONDARY TOKOPHOBIA Usually developed after a traumatic birth experience,
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secondary tokophobia is thought to be more common than primary tokophobia. For mumof-two Stina Cannon, secondary tokophobia developed after a painful 12-hour labour with her first child, which impacted on her husband, too.
Relaxation is so important when it comes to pregnancy hormones and reducing stress “I knew I wanted another child, but it took me six years to get over my first experience, and my husband was still mentally scarred,” says Stina, who runs Juste Nature Skincare. Mum-of-three Jenna Lockwood, went through a similar experience after not being allowed pain relief with her second child. When she fell pregnant again, tokophobia paralysed her. “The week before giving birth, I went to the hospital hysterically crying saying I couldn’t do it!”
she explains. Jenna believes her tokophobia made her so stressed that it stopped her body going into natural labour, forcing her to be induced – which then resulted in a stressful third birth experience. “Women with tokophobia can often feel very disconnected from their own bodies; the fear can feel very physical and frightening,” explains psychotherapist Natasha Crowe. “But working with a therapist or a hypnobirthing practitioner can really help the individual explore their concerns and worries.” HOW TO OVERCOME TOKOPHOBIA The good news is that tokophobia can be treated, and there are numerous support options available – so the sooner it can be diagnosed, the better. The following five essential tips may be a useful starting point… • Get a proper diagnosis. It’s important to separate tokophobia from general pregnancy anxiety in order to be taken seriously. Try to spell out just how much it is affecting you to your GP or midwife as soon as you can. “It’s important to know that even if you are fearful of childbirth, you will be listened to and supported in whichever way you need to
wellbeing
• Learn about positive birth experiences. We only tend to read about worst-case scenarios, so why not open your mind and learn about positive experiences. The Facebook group Positive Birth Community is designed for women to share empowering birth stories. There is no doubt that tokophobia is a very real phobia. However, early diagnosis, counselling, and working with your medical team can all help to reframe pregnancy and childbirth in a more positive way.
be to ensure you have a healthy pregnancy and positive start to motherhood,” adds Dr Ellie Rayner. • Consider CBT. This can be useful to help you change the negative thought processes you might have around childbirth and pregnancy, as well as challenging the faulty thought patterns you might have developed from a traumatic event or from hearing other people’s birth stories. • Find a support group. A supportive antenatal group or pregnancy yoga class may give you some practical strategies, and allow you to feel more in control of your body during labour.
“Relaxation is so important when it comes to pregnancy hormones and reducing stress. Pregnancy yoga and relaxation classes are great for helping with physical tension and stress,” says psychotherapist Natasha. • Create some helpful pregnancy affirmations. Practising pregnancy affirmations can also help to manage stress and anxiety. This may even help reduce some of the fear and pain you experience in childbirth. Why not try affirmations such as “My body knows exactly how to do this,” and “Birth is completely safe for me and my baby.”
Jenna Farmer is a freelance writer who specialises in perinatal mental health, and gut health. She has Crohn’s disease, and blogs at abalancedbelly.co.uk
Natasha Crowe provides one-toone counselling, psychotherapy, and hypnotherapy for those struggling with anxiety, bereavement, confidence, phobias, and perinatal and postnatal issues. Find out more and get in contact with Natasha via counselling-directory.org.uk
happiful.com | March 2021 | 29
Setting intentions with heart We can all aspire to live a more fulfilling life, but it’s not always easy to know how to achieve it. We explore how the practice of intention setting can help you to channel your energy and give you purpose Writing | Becky Wright
W
ith the New Year well and truly behind us, it’s time to look to the year ahead. Sure, there’s still a lot of uncertainty and, after a dark and gloomy winter, it can be easy to feel stuck in a rut or that you’ve lost your way. But, spring is in the air, and better times are just around the corner. And, if there’s something we can do to help us find joy and light in our lives, it’s to be more intentional. W h a t a re i n te n t i o n s ? Everything that happens in our lives starts with an intention. It’s the power within us that allows us to fulfil our wants and needs, and influences our thoughts and actions. Although you might think of goals and intentions as one and the same, we can distinguish between them. Goals are the results that you’re looking for; intentions are the energy you put into something. So, your intentions can take you
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closer to achieving your goals, but they’re more than just that. They’re about who you want to be, what you wish to contribute to the world, and how you choose to touch the lives of others. W hy s h o u l d w e s e t i n te n t i o n s ? Studies have shown that living a purposeful life not only makes people happier and more successful, but can also lead to countless benefits, including higher job satisfaction, a longer life-span, and reduced stress. Intentions are what give you direction. They allow you to recognise and focus on your values, to lead a more fulfilling life. This means you’re more likely to get excited about the future and make things happen – because how you feel inside will inform whatever you choose to do. Ho w to s e t i n te n t i o n s If you’re feeling a little lost, let’s explore how you can set an
intention to help you move forward. REFLECT Reflecting on lessons from your past can help you to create a purposeful future. Reflection journals can help with this, but all you really need is a pen and paper. Ask yourself these questions: How do you want to feel? Do you want to stress less? Be more energised? Creatively fulfilled? Hold on to this feeling, and think about how you can go about reaching it. What makes you happy? When do you feel happiest? How can you be happy more often? What achievements are you proud of? How did you make these things happen? How can you make space in your life to achieve similar things?
positive pointers
Everything that happens in our lives starts with an intention Welcoming more warmth and happiness into your life leaves less room for negativity. Gratitude journaling can help you to be mindful of what you have already, which is essential to positive wellbeing. “Start the day powering up your happiness by considering three things to be grateful for,” says Julia. “Then, at bedtime, give thanks for three things to help you feel better.”
These questions may help you to form one intention, or many. Reiki Master Julia Trickett says the key is to be inquisitive. “Meditate on why you actually want this outcome. The answer might be a feeling, such as to feel more independent or happier.”
REMAIN POSITIVE Sometimes we can focus too much on negative aspects in our lives – things we wish to give up. But, Julia says, it’s important to think positively. “Focus on what you want to achieve, rather than what you don’t want in your life.”
BREAK IT DOWN I N TO A C T I O N S When you know what you truly desire, you can take manageable steps to get there. Think realistically about what you can do every day, and what you need to work on to achieve it. And remember, you don’t have to do it alone. Julia invites you to be inclusive with your intentions – who can help you to achieve your goal? “Consider motivational help from books, podcasts or even a coach,” she says. >>>
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WHEN IS THE BEST TIME TO SET A NEW INTENTION? We can fall into a trap of waiting for a ‘good time’ to make a change – a new week, a new month or a new year. But there’s no rule about when you should set an intention. What’s important is that both your heart and mind are focused on working towards positive change. In energy healing practices such as Reiki, both the client and practitioner will set intentions at the beginning of the session. This shows that there’s always an opportunity to start afresh. Every sunrise and sunset is a new chance to begin.
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C H E C K- I N R E G U L A R LY Don’t set all these intentions and then bury your list in a drawer. Review how you’re getting on regularly. Julia encourages a harmonious approach to this. Rather than feeling that you have to check-in at the end of every week or month, look for more natural, spiritual opportunities to pause. “You can use the energetic influence of the New Moon for your intention setting and review dates,” suggests Julia. “Empower yourself by working with your own daily and monthly cycles – when you naturally have more energy.” If you menstruate, why not line up your check-ins with your period? Our hormones can play a big part in our energy levels, so it’s best to work with them rather than against them.
E N J OY T H E J O U R N E Y ! Try not to become too absorbed in getting to that end destination. Remember, finding happiness is about enjoying life. “We tend to get frustrated with delays,” says Julia. “But, it’s all a question of balance in achieving your intentions with your family, friends, and health intact.” There will be times when you don’t achieve everything you wanted. But, try to cultivate a sense of gratitude so you can relax and enjoy the journey.
To find out more about setting intentions, or to get in touch with Julia Trickett, visit therapy-directory.org.uk
try this at home
Break time?
Whether you’ve got five minutes, or a long lunch break, we’ve got ideas on how you can relax and refresh yourself when working from home one minute
20 minutes
• Try a deep breathing exercise
• Watch an episode of a comedy show to lift your spirits
• Drink a glass of water • Look outside and watch the clouds go by • Make a cup of tea • Do some simple stretches
• Play with your pet • Try a guided meditation • Experiment with writing – try journaling, thinking about what you’re grateful for, or perhaps something creative • Get crafty – draw, paint, knit. Try something new!
one hour • Go for a walk outside for some fresh air • Get stuck in to a new book • Phone a friend
five minutes • Make a quick list of all the things you’ve achieved today
• Do an exercise video to get those endorphins • Listen to a podcast
• Water your plants • Put on your favourite song and have a solo dance party • Watch a funny video on YouTube • Do a body check – how are you feeling? Is there anything you need?
happiful.com | March 2021 | 33
How to take
constructive criticism
The phrase ‘constructive criticism’ might make your skin crawl, but learning how to deal with feedback could be one of the best things you can do for your career, and your wellbeing Writing | Denise Bosque
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hen you’ve put a lot of effort and work into something, it can feel a little disheartening to hear that you’ve missed the mark. Our confidence can be dented when we hear the
Illustrating | Rosan Magar
phrase ‘constructive criticism’, as the listener often seems to omit the word ‘constructive’. So what is there to do? Well, with a little practise and a change in perspective, you can find the value in accepting constructive criticism. 1. UNDERSTAND YOUR TRIGGERS In order to help you receive feedback more positively, you must first understand why you might respond defensively. Ask yourself: “How am I interpreting this criticism?” If the criticism makes you aware of a habit that means you struggle with a task rather than ask for help or clarification, try to dig down to discover what the underlying belief is. For example, “They may think I should know the answer and they will think I’m stupid.” Then go even deeper. Let’s say the root is, “I don’t want to be seen as incompetent,” which can be accompanied by feelings of shame.
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Your reaction may stem from a childhood experience, but you aren’t that child any more, and this is a moment when you can learn and grow. 2. TRY TO REMAIN OPEN We will all receive criticism at some point, and so the best way to benefit from this is to consider our response, perhaps even rehearse it ahead of time. Use the mantra: “If someone gives me constructive criticism, I’m going to be interested.” Instead of focusing on the negative self-talk, it can be useful to tell your inner critic: “I’m going to learn something here.” Remind yourself that this is an opportunity to develop – and over time this will feel more natural. Communicating in this manner shows you in a good light. Someone interested in growing, not crumbling, at the first signs of criticism commands respect.
work wonders
3. USE SOME OF THE PRINCIPLES OF NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION (NVC) I use this a lot during couples coaching, and for people who need to be more assertive. It’s about really listening, not just with your ears, but with your eyes, heart, and body – and being genuinely interested in what is being said.
When someone says that you have made a mistake, that doesn’t mean that you are a mistake It’s extraordinary; people really feel heard when you listen. They know you care enough to listen and are invested in their advice. From that peaceful place within you, you can pause. You are in a position to respond. Equally, you can say, “May I think about this and respond later?” That’s absolutely valid too. 4. TRY TO HARNESS SOME GRATITUDE If you can view this situation as an opportunity for your growth, you can try to be grateful that someone has taken the time to share their advice and feedback. But if you take it in a self-damaging way, then you will be the one who suffers. Perhaps the feedback picks up on a ‘flaw’ or a habit you have. Be honest and ask yourself, “Is this something I have a tendency to do?” For example, do you often rush into something without first gathering all the details, or find
yourself struggling with a task, afraid to ask for clarification or help? Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to highlight a habit that might be holding us back. Once we’re aware of this, we can apply self-compassion – and that is certainly something to be grateful for. 5. REMEMBER, EVERYONE ON THE PLANET HAS THREE THINGS IN COMMON We are human, we are fallible, and we are unique. It’s OK to make mistakes and learn from them, or to share your perspective if you have an alternative viewpoint. Ultimately, if you struggle with accepting constructive criticism, it might mean working on your self-worth more broadly. When someone says that you have made a mistake, that doesn’t mean that you are a mistake. Remember that you are human, and you are doing the best you can. If that’s your intention for everything, then you are doing a great job.
Denise Bosque is a life coach, clinical hypnotherapist, master NLP practitioner, EMDR practitioner, and mindfulness teacher. Find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk
happiful.com | March 2021 | 35
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Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud MAYA ANGELOU
Photography | Asep Syaeful Bahri
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true story
The sober experiment Having grown up in their parents’ pubs, best friends Alex and Lisa were used to being around people who drank regularly. It was normal. But sometimes we can’t see the impact alcohol is having on us when everyone around us is drinking as well... Writing | Alex Walker and Lisa Elsworth
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met my best friend Lisa in the early 1990s when I was 13, and Lisa was 12. My dad was an entertainer on the pub and club scene, and he and my mum had owned pubs for most of my childhood. My dad drank heavily, but he functioned normally. Lisa’s stepdad was good friends with my dad, and also enjoyed a good drink. That’s how our parents met – we were thrown together and remained friends throughout our lives. We drank together most weekends from our early teens. We taught ourselves to enjoy it, because we felt more confident after a drink. We wanted to fit in. Looking back though, we drank more excessively than any of our friends did, and Lisa recognises now how quickly alcohol became a crutch for every single social occasion. As we entered our late teens, we worked in Lisa’s mum and stepdad’s pub. We were in our element and the customers loved us. “Get one for yourselves” was a line we frequently heard and indulged in. Our environment meant we were surrounded by alcohol and people drinking. We gauged our drinking on those around us so, comparatively speaking, we weren’t that bad. Then suddenly Lisa’s stepdad passed away after a short illness. It turned out that he had died of liver disease. Around the same time, my dad suffered a major internal bleed, and although he lived for 10
more years, alcohol-free, he did eventually die of heart disease and cirrhosis of the liver. As we entered our mid-20s, and had settled down with families, the nights out became fewer but no less wild, and we would drink wine in the house every Friday and Saturday, binge-drinking on nights out. We would call each other the day after a night out, riddled with anxiety and beer fear, but would still tell each other we weren’t that bad. And yet we would go on spa breaks, to drink. We would go out for meals, to drink. We became each other’s supporter, and an excuse. After a short spell in Cyprus for both of us, we returned to the UK and our marriages broke down – we kept each other sane over Skype calls with wine. As we both eventually met new partners and rebuilt our lives, we would still meet up and go out as often as we could. Our friendship circle remained, and as we had all grown up together, we didn’t notice alcohol taking hold of two of our friends who both lost their lives too young. We knew they drank a lot, but we didn’t see the destruction that alcohol had caused – in truth, it could have been any one of us. We both remarried and our drinking was OK, as far as we were concerned. We had the occasional glass of wine with a meal, but we were both still binge-drinkers at weekends. We held down jobs, raised families, and lived otherwise healthy lives. >>>
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Alex Walker and Lisa Elsworth are co-founders of The Sober Experiment – find out more by visiting soberexperiment.co.uk
We made a conscious effort to remove the stigma from the word sober, and advocated sobriety as a positive lifestyle choice One day, in June 2018, Lisa called me, hungover, to tell me she wanted to go sober for 100 days. She had downloaded ‘The unexpected joy of being sober’ by Catherine Gray, and explained that she’d had enough of feeling anxious and miserable, and that she wasn’t doing what she needed to do as a parent. Her success shone a light on my drinking, and I started to question it – I even made a few failed attempts at moderation. Then, fate struck and I found out I was pregnant. Not drinking became easy because I couldn’t. However, it wasn’t to be. At my 12-week scan, I found out the heart had stopped beating at 11 weeks, 3 days, and I had to go through surgery. I was grief-stricken and with the foetus still in place, I went straight from the hospital to the pub and drank two bottles of wine. It wasn’t until a year later that I called Lisa with a crippling hangover, and told her I was doing 100 days off alcohol, for the sake of my mental
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health. Lisa had long since declared that she had stopped drinking forever, and had formed a sober social group with two friends she met online, called Bee Sober Manchester. Deep down I knew I had given up for good, too. This is when The Sober Experiment was born. We both agreed that there was a perception that you have to be an alcoholic to quit drinking. The very reactions of everyone around us showed us that people didn’t realise how addictive alcohol is, and how harmful it can be. We decided there must be more people who wanted to stop drinking, but had no support unless they identified as a problem drinker or an alcoholic. We made a conscious effort to remove the stigma from the word sober, and advocated sobriety as a positive lifestyle choice. We couldn’t believe the response as people joined our social media groups, eager to start their own sober experiment – we even made a podcast. We wrote a workbook and journal, and recorded daily inspirational videos for people to carry out their own 30-day sober experiment based on what worked for us. We realised that by changing
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Above: Alex (left) and Lisa (right)
attitudes and mindsets, people were completing the experiment and staying sober. They didn’t want to drink because we were helping them find the positives in their sobriety. Instead of feeling as if we couldn’t drink, we didn’t want to drink, and neither did those we connected with. We have now taken our sober experiment into workplaces to target people who are societies’ “normal drinkers” to encourage them, by demonstrating all the positives of sobriety, to take a break, reduce their intake, or quit for good – without the stigma of being labelled or labelling themselves alcoholic. We do this in a really fun way that works, and improves mental health, physical health and workplace productivity along the way. We have also started to go into rehabilitation centres to work with people ready to leave rehab.
The Sober Experiment and Bee Sober have merged to form an amazing Community Interest Company called Bee Sober CIC. We have members from all over the world, and support them with getting and staying sober. We also have an amazing team of trained mentors dotted all over the country (and one in the US), offering support and friendship to anyone who wants to live a fulfilling sober lifestyle. We’ve both learnt so much about ourselves and each other along the way. We are both so resilient and strong, capable of anything we want to achieve – and our friendship shines through everything we do. Thanks to our own sober experiment, we are now touching the lives of hundreds of “normal drinkers” and showing them the flip side of the coin in a very positive way.
OUR EXPERT SAYS Alex and Lisa grew up socialising with alcohol in a drinking culture. They normalised their feelings about what they drank, but continued to binge drink at weekends. They lost friends to alcohol and didn’t see the damage it was doing around them. A turning point came when Lisa stopped drinking and Alex questioned her relationship with alcohol. The
pair worked together to help themselves and others benefit from sobriety. Their story highlights the importance of having the right relationship with alcohol, not feeling societal pressure to drink, and to know that support is there. Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) counsellor
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Joe Wicks may be known to millions now, but he’s had to work tirelessly to get where he is today. So, who could be better than the nation’s favourite PE teacher to share tips on managing your motivation, and watching out for your wellbeing along the way? Writing | Lucy Donoughue
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ay “The Body Coach” to almost anyone, and they’ll immediately know who you’re talking about. Thanks to Joe Wicks’ energy and drive to keep the nation’s children (and parents) moving and motivated during the first UK lockdown last year, he’s now a household name across the world. Joe was already hugely successful before the events of 2020, but his desire to support others through tough times has catapulted him into another
stratosphere altogether. However, his message and mission have always remained the same – to make the world fitter, healthier and happier. “I really believe that exercise should be accessible to everybody,” Joe explains, expanding upon what drives him. “It’s not something that’s optional, it’s essential for physical health, mental health and happiness.” Joe is committed to sharing the concept of movement for mental health benefits, and notes that
Photography | Andrew Burton
6 MOVES TO MOTIVATION
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the way we think has a significant role to play when it comes to selfesteem and motivation to actively look after our minds and bodies. “I’m not a psychologist or a life coach, but I understand that behind a lot of people’s behaviours or habits, there’s a reason,” he says. “It might have been something that happened as a teenager or as an adult that may have put you off the gym and healthy eating, leading you to a less healthy lifestyle.” The first step to tackling this, Joe shares, is to work through what helps and hinders your progress. “I encourage people to ask themselves questions like, ‘What does a successful day look like?’, ‘What does an unsuccessful day look like?’, and ‘When do you feel motivated and unmotivated?’. By knowing the answers, you’ll start to notice negative patterns, and learn that you can change your habits and divert your energy somewhere else.” So, if you’re ready for action but need a little help to get started (and keep going), Joe has shared some of his essential tips for managing your wellbeing and motivation, from his new book 30 Day Kick Start Plan. >>>
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START TO MEDITATE Meditation helped me to slow down, breathe, and let myself go to a place of calm and peaceful presence I’d never been to before. To be honest, I don’t do it consistently, and I don’t always enjoy it. But I do it about three or four days a week, which I feel is perfect for me. I genuinely can’t recommend it enough. It’s one of those skills which you get better at over time – just like learning to cook or exercise. The more you do it, the more experience you get, and the more you get out of it. TAKE ACTION Lots of people know they want to change, but lack the motivation to do it. If you’re someone who struggles with motivation, don’t sit around waiting for it to come – that day may never arrive. What you need to do is take action. Get up and commit yourself to a workout in the morning, and just see how you feel afterwards. Most people take the view that motivation leads to action, but I believe it’s the opposite. Action leads to motivation, and that leads to more motivation!
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wellbeing
When you wake up, congratulate yourself on sticking with your commitment to make a change
QUICKFIRE Qs What do you listen to for inspiration? ‘Happy Place’ podcast by Fearne Cotton. She has lovely, positive discussions. Or ‘How I Built This’ podcast, which is great for entrepreneurs. Otherwise, pop music! A mix of tunes from Arianna Grande, Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, Dua Lipa and Sam Smith – anything that lifts my mood. I also love old-school Motown, Marvin Gaye, and Bruce Springsteen. Where is your happy place? At home, with my wife, Rosie, and our two children, Indie and Marley. We love story time at night, all together. What would you say is your ‘quote to live by’? “Work hard, have fun and be nice.” Be kind – it makes a huge difference, it really does.
BE A CHEERLEADER FOR YOUR FUTURE SELF A good idea is to record a little video message on your phone – lots of my clients do this and find it really helpful. Record a message to tell yourself a few things: why this is so important to you, why you have started this journey to a healthier life, and what the outcome means to you. TURN SETBACKS INTO COMEBACKS We’ve all been there. You wake up, you just want to go back to sleep, and all motivation has gone out the window. Every time you feel a wobble coming on, pull out your phone and watch your own personal pep talk. What was so important to you at that time? Has that changed now? I bet that the answer will be ‘no’. It’s time to get up and try a workout or a walk. All those lovely endorphins will help lift your mood and give you a great chance to turn your day around. ONE DAY AT A TIME Focus on today – don’t worry about next week. Get an early night if you can. When you wake
up, congratulate yourself on sticking with your commitment to make a change. Everyone has bad days, but what’s important is to recognise each one for what it is: just a bad day. CREATE HARMONY We all need a social life, but don’t let a virtual catch-up with a few drinks (or future real-life night out) end your chance to change. Your social life and fitness life should be in harmony. Maintain that balance and get back on track after treating yourself; you don’t have to sacrifice one for the other.
These tips and more can be found in ‘30 Day Kick Start Plan’ by Joe Wicks (bluebird: Books for life, £18.99). You can also listen to Joe’s candid chat about mental health, wellbeing, and thoughts for the future on our podcast ‘I am. I have’.
happiful.com | March 2021 | 43
Agree to disagree:
how to have an argument Whether it’s with a partner, colleague, friend, or family member, we get some expert insight into managing arguments, communicating in the throes of passion, and discovering your ‘conflict style’ Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
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ike it or not – and, let’s be honest, most of the time we don’t – conflict and arguments come hand-inhand with relationships. That’s not to say that they’re pleasant, or something that we should become accustomed to if they’re affecting us negatively, but arguments are normal – and could even be good for us, according to research from the University of Tennessee which found that couples who argue effectively together report having happier relationships. Of course, the keyword there is “effectively” – no one wins when things turn nasty. But what does
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that mean, and how can you make sure that you’re arguing effectively, fairly, and – ultimately – resolving rows once you’ve got them out of your system? Whether it’s between couples, family, friends, or colleagues, we teamed up with relationship counsellor Bibi Jamieson to get to the core of conflict. On the fence Before we get into the specifics of dealing with arguments, Bibi suggests that it’s time to shift your perspective entirely.
“The word argument is often seen as a negative one. However, an argument is simply an exchange of thoughts, ideas, or opinions, between two or more people,” Bibi says. “The way we communicate and respond to this exchange is what most people experience as ‘negative’, because it can be uncomfortable, especially when met with criticism, ridicule, or defensiveness.” Do you ever wake up the morning after an argument and wonder what all the fuss
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was about? Perhaps because the thing you were actually arguing over was, ultimately, pretty insignificant, but things went from zero to 100 without you really noticing, or maybe old complaints snuck their way in? That’s what Bibi is referring to, that style of communicating different ideas is what leaves you feeling hurt, frustrated, and angry afterwards. “Conflict arises when we have a different value system to another person – and why wouldn’t we? We all have different collective
If you start with blame, criticism, or contempt, you are likely to be met with defensiveness and individual value systems shaped by culture and personal experiences that make us the beautifully unique individuals we are,” Bibi explains. Hedgehog or rhino? So, once you’ve reframed your stance on conflict, the next step is to work out what your ‘conflict style’ is. Bibi asks, are you a hedgehog or a rhino? “Rhinos charge into conflict, sometimes in an aggressive way,
and they want to get it out in the open here and now. Hedgehogs avoid conflict, they roll up into a ball, and shut down, putting up their spikes so no one can hurt them,” she explains. “Knowing which one you are and how it affects others means you can be more considerate and understanding towards each other in conflict.” These are traits that you may learn about a loved one with time, but there are other things that you can look out for immediately, whoever you’re speaking to. Take a look at the other person’s body language, and also rework your own so that you are open and calm. “Rolling eyes, clenching jaws, crossing arms, or shouting are signs of hurt and anger, and will often trigger a similar defensive response from others,” says Bibi. “Reflect back what you observe, and what you assume it means. For example, ‘I can see you were really upset when I said that.’ This shows you notice and care about the other person’s feelings. It also gives the other person a chance to confirm or clarify, for example, ‘I’m not upset, I’m just really tired.’” Terms and conditions Of course, just because an issue arises, doesn’t mean that you need to address it there and then, or that you owe it to the other person to engage in the conflict. Know that you can and should set your own boundaries about how and when you are comfortable to face the issue – and also consider >>>
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the same questions from the other person’s perspective. “For example, starting a deep and meaningful conversation at 7am with someone who’s not a morning person is not a good idea!” Bibi says. “Think about where you argue, for example you can decide not to engage in arguments over text messaging, or at work. Boundaries can also be placed on how you interact physically, for example, ‘Please look me in the eye when I speak.’” Go into as much detail with your boundaries as you need – “You can even discuss which swear words are acceptable and those that are not!” Bibi adds – and lay down your terms so that you create a safe space to have this argument. And once you’ve established that space, stick to the rules. Waving the white flag Coming hand-in-hand with setting up boundaries is deciding how far you want to go, and calling off the discussion if it’s no longer productive, or if you feel overwhelmed – because if you’ve ended up in tears, it’s unlikely that you’re going to be able to either express your point or take in the other person’s. So call it quits, for now. “You could also discuss your stop signals or phrases during arguments that let the other person know that you are flooded, or too triggered to continue,” says Bibi. “In this case, tell the other person you need a break – or if you notice they are triggered, ask if they need a break. A pause
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allows you to calm yourself down and stops arguments from spiralling. Breathe, go for a walk, get some air, whatever it is you need to emotionally regulate.” As you begin to tune-in to your responses, your ability to work out what does and doesn’t work for you when it comes to dealing with arguments will become much clearer. “Talk about what you observe of each other and how it makes you feel. For example, ‘I go silent because I feel terrible that you’re hurt, and I can’t find the words to express that,’” Bibi suggests. “Speak about common factors or events that lead up to arguments, reflect on conflicts you’ve handled well, make light of the silly ones – laugh about them if you can. This all helps to understand what your conflict style is, and discuss constructive ways to understand each other’s communication styles.”
When it’s all said and done We’re not saying that the knack of arguing effectively is something you’ll pick up overnight – it really does take time. But it’s true what they say about things being ‘better out than in’. Our feelings and fears rarely go away on their own, and they can quickly consume us if they go unchecked. But when we learn how to express and be true to ourselves, and actively work towards a brighter future, the effects ripple out into the rest of our lives. And, that’s something worth laying down arms for.
Bibi Jamieson is an integrative psychotherapeutic counsellor and couples therapist. Find out more about her work by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk
try this at home
Did you know? 10 facts to make you smile
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In Tukey, you can put empty plastic bottles into special vending machines on the streets, and in return food will be dispensed for stray dogs and cats.
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Cows moo with regional accents.
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Queen Elizabeth II is a trained mechanic. She learned the skill during the second world war.
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Smiling can lower your heart rate, and reduce stress.
Some collective nouns you’ll be familiar with, such as a bouquet of flowers. But our favourites are a little more obscure… Heard of a mischief of mice? A circus of puffins? What about a loveliness of ladybirds?
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Night rainbows are a thing! They mig ht be rare, but ‘moon bows’ are real, most of ten found by waterfalls.
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Scientists have found that everything on Earth originates from stardust – including elements in our bodies.
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Your tongue print is as unique as your fingerprint.
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A law in Switzerland says that it is illegal to have just one guinea pig – as social animals, they must always have a friend!
No one in your dreams is fictional. Even if you don’t recognise them, every person in your dreams will be someone you’ve seen at some point in your life.
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5 ways to
transport yourself with food Go on a journey with these five bite-sized servings of meal inspiration Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
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t’s a sense that has the power to completely transport us to another time and place, but how much are you utilising your tastebuds for your wellbeing? “The relationship we have between food and our emotions starts when we are infants, and continues throughout our entire lives,” says nutritionist Michaella Mazzoni. “There are physiological effects of food that go beyond simple hunger and satiety (the feeling of fullness), and research has shown the impact food has on neurotransmitters and hormonal responses.” As Michaella points out, certain foods have been found to decrease feelings of stress or low mood – for example, meals heavy in carbohydrates that contain nutrients which support the production of the feel-good hormone serotonin (buttery mash potato, we’re looking at you). But beyond that, we connect with food and flavours on an
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Illustrating | Rosan Magar
emotional level too and, with a little bit of mindfulness, we can harness that power to boost our wellbeing. So, to get you started, why not sink your teeth into these tips?
1. Eat a meal from your childhood “As infants, we learn to associate food, be it breastmilk or formula, with so much more than just nourishment,” explains Michaella. “It’s also about being soothed during times of stress, and being cared for. Eating a meal from your childhood can be a great way to feel transported back to that feeling of being cared for, and soothed, with food.” Alphabetti spaghetti, turkey dinosaurs, or the meal that had you lining up for seconds – which foods have the ability to take you on a nostalgia trip? Now’s the time to recreate them, and let the memories come flooding back. 2. Try something you've always been curious about They say variety is the spice of life, and being adventurous with
food is a great way to expand your horizons and open your mind. Stuck in a food rut? Making the same few meals over and over? It’s time to break the cycle with something new. You might have had your eye on a recipe that looks a little tricky, or spotted an unusual ingredient you haven’t come across before. If so, prepare yourself for the challenge – you might find that you pick up some new skills along the way, making it a rewarding experience. 3. Make someone else's favourite meal “Although current circumstances do not allow for much socialisation, eating food prepared for you by a loved one has been shown to strengthen relationships and bonds between people,” says Michaella. “So making a friend, family member, or partner’s favourite recipe for yourself could serve as a nice substitute in the meantime.” We all know that feeling of anticipation and excitement when we introduce someone to something we love. Trying someone else’s favourite food shows you care about the things that they’re passionate about, and it’s a way of sharing
experiences – whether you’re together or not. 4. Prepare something with a homegrown ingredient Whether it’s something dug up from the veggie patch, or herbs trimmed from a windowsill grow box, there’s something undeniably special about eating a meal made with ingredients that you have grown yourself. “Completing a task like gardening, or even growing microgreens in a jar in your kitchen, helps to promote the production of the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is associated with reward,” adds Michaella.
5. Eat a meal that reminds you of a happy occasion Be it from a trip away where you sampled a local delicacy, or perhaps a dinner date with the one you love, map out a timeline of memorable meals from happy times, and recreate what was on your plate. What was it about that meal that made you so happy? It might have been a special place, good company, less stress, or more excitement. This tip starts on your plate but is a nice way to prompt a whole host of questions about what has made you happy in the past, and how you can harness those feelings again.
Michaella Mazzoni is a nutritional therapist, supporting gut health and offering a practical and realistic approach. Connect with a nutritionist at nutritionist-resource.org.uk
happiful.com | March 2021 | 49
Baby talk
They say nothing can prepare you for your first baby, and that might well be true. But here, with the help of a counsellor, we explore preventive relationship counselling, and uncover the benefits that it can unlock for you and your family Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
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t goes without saying that the decision to start a family is a monumental one. For many people, the ‘right time’ may have come after years of thought and reflection, and is bundled up with a plethora of fears and anxieties about this new, unknown, pathway. From time management to body image, exhaustion, frustration, disappointment, external expectations, internal expectations, and boredom – family life has a lot to contend with, and all of that can take its toll on our relationships. According to a study by ChannelMum.com and The Baby Show, a third of parents reported that their relationships suffered in the months following the birth of their babies, and a fifth ended
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their relationships during the first year of parenthood. If the outlook seems bleak, know that the stats only show part of the story, and that relationships can break down for many complicated, and sometimes unavoidable, reasons. And although it’s fair to say that children can put a huge amount of strain on couples, it’s also true that there are steps you can take to address potential problems way before you hear the pitterpatter of little feet echoing around your home.
What is preventive counselling? If you’ve ever been under the impression that counselling is just for when you reach crisis point or are living with a diagnosed mental illness, it’s time to throw
everything you thought you knew out the window – because counselling offers so much more. Preventive counselling aims to do what it says on the tin: prevent issues from escalating further. It helps you to nip any potential problems in the bud before they have time to grow, and it can also aid you in building resilience for the times to come. Think about it: how often can you sit down with another person and say exactly what’s on your mind, without the fear of upsetting the listener or feeling judged? To really explore what’s going on, deep within you? Preventive counselling is a space to do that and, when it comes to preparing to expand your family, it could be the missing piece in your pre-baby prep plan.
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Does couples counselling really work? According to the stats, most of the time. The American Psychological Association found that relationship counselling is ‘successful’ for 75% of couples – up from 50% in the 1980s. The researchers had their own way of calculating what makes a treatment ‘successful’ or not, but for individuals it might be about developing a deeper feeling of trust, friendship, and honesty.
Talkin’ it out “There are many benefits to a couple seeking support as a prevention to long-term issues,” says Natasha Crowe, a counsellor and psychotherapist. “It provides a safe and comfortable space for couples to explore life’s challenges, and it gives the opportunity for solid communication – to feel heard is key to a healthy relationship.” All this is part of the day-to-day job of a counsellor, who is there to facilitate difficult but meaningful conversations, and uncover the key to a working dynamic between two people – examining how they communicate, be that verbally or non-verbally. “As individuals, we all have different perspectives, attachment styles, opinions, >>>
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Thinking of starting a family?
Parenting is a transitional journey, there is no right or wrong way habits, and family narratives that we may bring to a relationship,” Natasha continues. “We sometimes don’t recognise these in ourselves because they are often subconscious elements and behaviours that we may have learned from previous intimate relationships throughout our lives, or the relationships we experienced growing up. “These narratives, and sometimes mistaken beliefs, aren’t always helpful. Therefore it’s important to really understand your partner’s perspective, concerns, and beliefs. Counselling can then help to give a couple the tools to communicate, build greater intimacy, and deeper levels of trust.”
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Explore the conversation with these question prompts:
Crossed wires, conflicting priorities, and rising emotions – they’re all commonplace in any relationship. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing, if they are handled in a calm and productive way. Managing the baby boom Of course, you could seek preventive relationships counselling at any point in your life, but for those about to start a family, the offerings are particularly ripe. “Starting a family is a big life decision that comes with much joy, expectation, and anticipation,” says Natasha. “Quite often, couples seeking support may have avoided conversations
• What are you looking forward to most about becoming a parent? • What does a balanced family life look like for you? • Is religion going to be important when it comes to raising children? • Do you have any fears about parenthood? • How do you think becoming parents will affect our relationship? • Are there any family traditions you want to continue? • How do you think we will deal with conflict? • How would you like to split the household chores? • What are the most important qualities in a parent?
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about how they view parenting or family life – it doesn’t even cross our minds to think our partner may have different ideas about bringing up a child, and how our parenting styles might differ.” Perhaps one parent believes in being firm and setting clear boundaries, where the other wishes to be more intuitive and flexible. Or maybe there are cultural differences that may feel more distinctive when parenthood arrives. As Natasha highlights, these disparities can creep up on us, where they were once just an undercurrent on an otherwise smooth tide. Additionally, not every journey to starting a family is easy, and those who are experiencing fertility issues or IVF may find counselling particularly helpful. There should be no shame in admitting that you need extra support – it’s not an indication of a ‘failing’ relationship, rather it’s a sign of commitment and, as Natasha highlights, can help you move forward with optimism – something we all deserve. What’s the craic? So, let’s say you decide to give preventive pre-baby counselling a try, what might you expect from a session? “During sessions, we may explore and challenge old beliefs and parenting ideals, understanding that the couple’s journey together is unique
to them as they build their own family, exploring fears or worries,” explains Natasha. “There may be unresolved childhood trauma or emotional pain that hasn’t yet healed, which may manifest in unhealthy behaviours within a relationship, and often these are discussed and explored.”
Starting a family is a big life decision that comes with much joy, expectation, and anticipation As Natasha sees it, these sessions can help both the couple and the individual, and could possibly uncover some areas where one person might want more support in the future. “Parenting is a transitional journey, there is no right or wrong way, and there will be lots of changes ahead – personal sacrifices can be hard to accept,” Natasha continues. “You can never be fully prepared, as it’s such a life-changing experience, yet you can begin to build the foundations of a solid partnership where each parent feels supported, listened to, and respected by the other person.”
There’s no time like the present The decision to start counselling is a daunting one. This could be the first time in your life that you open up to another person – really open up – and the courage it takes to reach out shouldn’t be underestimated. But understanding preventive counselling to be the deeply positive step it is, makes the journey that much easier. “Being curious, open-minded, and adaptable to other ideas can really help open clients up to a new self-awareness,” says Natasha. “It helps build confidence and allows the couple to grow, and to face the challenges and joy of becoming a family together.” Good mental wellbeing is the foundation of any healthy lifestyle. It can help us face the problems that come our way with resilience, compassion, and a clear mind. Of course, our mental health will often fluctuate, particularly during immense life changes, such as starting a family. But with communication, companionship, and the support of our loved ones, the challenges that once seemed incomprehensible become a little more manageable. For more relationship and perinatal mental health support visit counselling-directory.org.uk
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Happiful Partner
Championing mental health in the workplace
Why become a Mental Health First Aider? • Join a growing community of amazing people supporting the conversation around mental health • Recognise the symptoms of mental ill-health • Help to improve awareness and break down stigma and discrimination • Improve your own mental health and self-care • Virtual courses mean you can train from the comfort of your own home Plus our readers enjoy an exclusive £10 discount off all Happiful MHFA courses when you book through training.happiful.com using the code HAP10 You can hear more about the impact of MHFA training on Happiful’s ‘I am. I have’ podcast, featuring Happiful’s MHFA instructor Matt Holman. Listen on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.
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Here’s what our delegates say: A course that really made me reflect. Delivery was excellent, and the instructor makes you feel valued and listened to. They make the course interesting and inclusive by sharing their own experiences. – Sol
I felt very comfortable and in a safe space. Honestly, it was life changing. – Jamie
The instructor was amazing – so open and personable, and really made the tough subject matters digestible. It was really engaging, and they created a wonderful space for us to share openly. The course has enthused me even more to shout about mental health, and I feel extremely proud to now be a Mental Health First Aider. – Emma
culture
Happiful reads... From crafting guides to binge-worthy fiction, we share four reads you won’t want to miss this month Writing | Chelsea Graham
C Book covers | amazon.co.uk
rafting queen Stacey Solomon has captured the hearts of her 4 million followers on Instagram with her mop-inhand renditions of everything from Queen’s ‘I Want to Break Free’ to TLC’s ‘No Scrubs’. In addition to the many hedgehogs created from grapes, or giraffe’s brought to life using melon flesh,
her daily dose of positivity is something that her new practical book radiates in spades. Stress and anxiety can make it hard to relax, and Stacey admits that when she’s overwhelmed she can find it hard to sit still. But, fortunately for us, she’s sharing all her essential ideas to get through this in Tap to Tidy, which includes hundreds of
pages of simple and easy crafts to keep your fingers, and mind, busy long enough to relax!
Olive by Emma Gannon Out now A beautifully written novel of immense love, heart-breaking pain, and a whole lot of doubt. Olive doesn’t want children, but with friends having babies around her she feels unheard and excluded from the group. The story openly explores the pressures on women to want children and how this choice can affect relationships with friends, family and romantic partners. Olive is a loveable tale about the most important relationships in life.
One: Pot, Pan, Planet by Anna Jones Out 4 March Award-winning cook Anna Jones proves that you can create meals that are stylish, sustainable, and speedy with her one-pot cookbook. Filled with all-in-one recipes that celebrate vegetables and flavour without a four-hour cooking window, Anna’s new book will show you how small changes to your shopping and waste habits can make a difference to the health of both your family and the planet.
Tap to Tidy: Organising, Crafting & Creating Happiness in a Messy World by Stacey Solomon Out 4 March
Must reads The Child In You by Stefanie Stahl Paperback out 4 March Clinical psychologist Stefanie Stahl delves into the ways we can befriend our inner child, and use this friendship to experience more fulfilling happiness as an adult. Filled with practical exercises and explanations of the psychology at work, Stefanie’s book offers clear advice that we could all use to develop our self-esteem and ability to form meaningful relationships.
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Spring suppers
Satisfy those cravings with these two recipes full of feel-good foods Writing | Katie Hoare
T
he days are finally beginning to lengthen, and your garden may be springing into life, but while we’re still hunkered down in our homes, nothing beats a hearty, tasty dinner at the end of the day. Nutritious and delicious, these two recipes are a staple in my kitchen, passed down from my
mother, and my mother’s mother – giving that warming feeling from head to toe. The good news is there’s something here for everyone, as these versatile dishes can easily be tweaked for vegans, veggies, pescetarians or meat eaters, or if you’re dabbling with flexitarianism, give them a go just as they are.
SIMPLE SALMON PIE Serves 4
Method 1. Preheat the oven to 200°C. 2. Add the chopped sweet potatoes to a large pan and boil for approximately 10 minutes or until soft. 3. Meanwhile, add the cubed salmon fillets to a baking dish, along with the peas and sweetcorn (frozen is fine), spring onion, spinach, and the juice of half a lemon. 4. Sprinkle over the chives, and mix through with your hands. Set aside. 5. Remove the potatoes from the heat, and drain thoroughly.
Ingredients • 2 large sweet potatoes, chopped • 2 large skinless salmon fillets, cubed • 100g peas • 100g sweetcorn • 2 spring onions, diced • Handful of spinach • ½ lemon • Handful of fresh chives, chopped • 1 tsp wholegrain mustard • Splash of milk • Salt and pepper to taste
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6. Return the potatoes to the pan and add the mustard, milk, and a good grind of salt and pepper. Mash to desired consistency. 7. Spread the mashed potatoes on top of the pie ingredients, and bake for 30 minutes. Yum!
feel-good food
F nutri ind a t our Hionist on app app iful
LENTIL BOLOGNESE WITH WHOLEGRAIN SPAGHETTI Serves 4 Ingredients • 3 tbsp olive oil • 2 garlic cloves, sliced • 2 carrots, chopped • 2 celery sticks, chopped • 60g cherry tomatoes • 50g pitted black olives • ½ tsp basil • ½ tsp cumin • 400g tin green lentils, drained • 400g passata • 300g wholegrain spaghetti • Small handful of fresh parsley, chopped • 30g parmesan cheese (optional) Method 1. Heat the oil in a large page over a medium heat. Add the garlic,
carrots, and celery and sauté for approximately 10 minutes, or until soft. 2. Add the cherry tomatoes and black olives. Stir through the basil and cumin, and cook for 5 minutes. 3. Add the lentils and passata, and simmer for approximately 10 minutes, or until the lentils are soft. Splash in warm water if the sauce is too thick. 4. Meanwhile, bring a large pan of water to the boil, and add the spaghetti. Cook as per the packet instructions. Leave the sauce on a low heat. 5. Divide the spaghetti into bowls, and top with lentil sauce and a sprinkling of parsley and parmesan (if using). Bellissimo!
OUR EXPERT SAYS… Simple salmon pie Salmon is one of the few good food sources of vitamin D, which is so essential in the darker winter months as it can impact our mood. Sweet potatoes have high amounts of carotenoids (converted to vitamin A by the body). This is crucial for the immune system and is needed for the regeneration of mucosal barriers, such as the lining of your lungs and respiratory tract. Overall, a great immunesupporting meal. Lentil bolognese with wholegrain spaghetti The lentil bolognese is such a perfectly balanced, plant-based dish. Green lentils are one of my favourite varieties as they really keep their texture when cooked, and are packed full of protein with 24g per cup! They’re also an excellent source of iron. Another star ingredient is garlic. Make sure you always crush your garlic cloves before chopping, and leave for a few minutes before cooking. This allows the enzymes to get to work and activate allicin, which is the key antimicrobial component of garlic that helps you fight off viruses and bacteria. Uta Boellinger is a nutritional therapist specialising in hormonal balance. Director of Cannelle Nutrition, Uta has written a book on teenage nutrition. Find out more at cannelle.co.uk
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Struggling to wake up?
Here’s why…
Do you find yourself constantly hitting the snooze button? Here we will explore the many, often unexpected, reasons why it’s so tough to get yourself going in the morning Writing | Dr Luke Powles
feel-good food
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e’ve all been there, snoozing our alarms for ‘just five more minutes’. But when that five regularly turns into 30, and you find yourself struggling to shake that fuzzy feeling, something other than a late night might be at play here. Not getting enough sleep can leave you feeling tired and low on energy, but it’s not the only reason why you may be feeling sluggish in the mornings. Unsurprisingly, what you eat and drink throughout the day, and certain lifestyle habits, can affect how you feel, too. As the associate clinical director at Bupa Health Clinics, I’ll share some insight as to why you may be struggling to wake up in the morning.
You’re not sleeping enough
The amount of sleep we need varies for everyone but, as a general guide, most adults will need between seven and nine hours of sleep each night. It’s understandable that you may feel anxious or worried at the moment, and if it’s affecting your sleep there are a few ways to help. Make sure you’re going to bed and waking up each day at around the same time, try to follow a relaxing bedtime ritual, and experiment
with writing down what’s on your mind before bed, particularly if you’re feeling anxious.
You’re not getting enough natural daylight
Exposure to natural light helps to regulate your circadian rhythm – the body’s internal clock that influences when to be alert, and when to rest. Not getting enough sunlight can cause an imbalance in your circadian rhythm, potentially leading to insomnia or lack of deep sleep. It can also disrupt the production of melatonin, a naturally occurring hormone in your body that regulates your sleep-wake cycle. Exposure to sunlight provides the body with vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin, and some studies have even linked low vitamin D levels in the blood to poorer quality of sleep. In the UK, it is now advised that adults take a daily vitamin D supplement, in the absence of the sun.
You’re stressed
The stress of daily life can leave our bodies feeling exhausted. If you’re feeling stressed, it’s likely your sleep will be affected, and this can then leave you feeling low on energy. Speaking about how you’re feeling to a person you trust can act as
a release, whether it’s opening up to a loved one, friend, or colleague. You may also find it useful to speak to your doctor about how you’re feeling as they may be able to offer you some guidance. Sometimes, speaking to a counsellor or therapist can be useful, too.
If you’re feeling stressed, it’s likely your sleep will be affected, and this can leave you feeling low on energy You’re dehydrated
Not drinking enough water can cause you to feel fatigued. As a basic guide, you should aim for around one-and-a-half, to two litres of fluid a day (about eight to 10 glasses). If you’re waking up feeling light-headed or tired, you may not be drinking enough throughout the day. Dehydration can occur easily if you’ve been out in the sun, or if you’ve drunk too much alcohol the night before. >>>
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healthier alternative. White bread, white rice, and regular pasta also have refined sugars in – why not swap these with the wholegrain alternatives?
You’re not getting enough omega-3
Dim the lights
While there’s more research needed, some studies have shown that omega-3 acids – which are found mainly in fish and leafy greens – can provide a natural mood-booster. If your mood is affecting your sleep – for example if you’re feeling stressed, worried or anxious – try to include foods rich in omega-3 acids.
3 TIPS TO IMPROVE SLEEP HYGIENE Strong sleep hygiene means implementing daily practices and comfortable bedroom environments that encourage quality, uninterrupted, and regular sleeping patterns, ensuring you awake refreshed and energised. Avoid high-intensity exercise just before bed Exercise stimulates the production of the stress hormone cortisol, which keeps your body and brain alert. Dim the lights when it's dark outside Artificial light can interfere with your circadian rhythm and disrupt the healthy production of melatonin. When the light drops outside, follow suit by dimming the lights inside and try to unplug devices an hour before bed. Set a regular bedtime routine That means aiming to go to bed and wake up around the same time, every day (even on weekends). This trains your body to expect rest or to be alert at healthy times of the day.
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Your diet is missing key nutrients There’s not enough iron in your diet
If you’re waking up feeling tired on a regular basis, you may not be consuming enough iron. Check your diet to see if it includes plenty of iron-rich foods: red meat such as beef and lamb, shellfish, eggs, bread, dark green vegetables like kale and cereals are all good examples of foods to include in your diet.
You’re consuming too much sugar
The more sugar you consume, the sleepier you will feel. You may even wake up during the night, as sugar can affect how much deep sleep you have. To avoid this, cut back on refined sugars (these are often found in fizzy drinks and desserts) and swap them for a
Eating food from a variety of food groups to get the right nutrients your body needs is an essential part of following a well-balanced diet. It’s important to keep your diet varied to ensure you’re getting all the essential vitamins and minerals. Not only will a balanced diet leave you feeling healthier, but there’s also good evidence that it can reduce your risk of obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. If you’re struggling to achieve good quality sleep, taking a look at your diet and lifestyle is important. Remember, if you want to make changes to your diet, it’s always best to seek guidance from trusted sources such as bupa.co.uk, NHS choices website, patient.info or a nutrition professional. To connect with a nutritionist, visit nutritionist-resource.org.uk
positive pointers
self-trust How to develop
One of the most powerful tools we have in self-development is something not often spoken about – self-trust. But the following six steps can help you utilise it, to move forward towards your goals Writing | Kat Nicholls
I
’ve been working in the personal development industry for a number of years now, and there’s one unsung hero that I’ve found myself drawn to again and again: self-trust. When we don’t trust ourselves, when we don’t respect our opinions or true desires, how are we expected to learn, develop, and grow? How can we feel confident and believe in ourselves if we can’t trust the thoughts swirling around in our mind? Developing self-trust is essentially about building a better relationship with yourself. It’s showing yourself compassion, listening to
yourself, and giving yourself the space you need. If you don’t treat yourself particularly kindly, chances are your self-trust is off. Would you trust someone who constantly spoke down to you? Before you storm head-first towards the mountain you want to climb, take some time to ensure your self-trust is intact, as this will be a big help on your journey. Why not try the following six simple steps to get you started?
1. Give yourself space to really feel When difficult emotions come up, it can be easy to avoid them with our preferred numbing tool – for example, my numbing tool is
scrolling on social media. When we do this, we’re not giving ourselves the space and time needed to process our feelings. This can undermine our self-trust, as we aren’t listening to ourselves. Find a way to give yourself the space you need to feel your feelings. This may involve journaling, meditating, or talking things through with someone. Give yourself the gift of time to figure out what you truly want by listening to yourself.
2. Create a positive relationship with your inner critic Throughout our lives, most of us will have a rocky relationship with our inner critic. >>>
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We either take everything it says to heart and follow its direction without argument, or we distract ourselves, push down its words, and avoid what it’s saying completely. Part of building self-trust is understanding that as nasty as our inner critic can be, there is a positive intention behind its actions. It’s trying to keep us safe. When we’re able to see this and recognise it for the scared entity that it is, we can foster a more positive relationship with it. We can say “thank you”, and appreciate its positive intentions, before explaining that we’re not going to listen to it. This can lead the way to positive self-talk as we create an inner cheerleader, encouraging ourselves, and speaking more kindly to ourselves.
3. Make self-care a priority Every time we carry out an act of selfcare, we’re affirming to ourselves that we deserve this and that we value taking care of ourselves. This nurturing relationship allows selftrust to thrive.
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positive pointers
Developing self-trust is essentially about building a better relationship with yourself. It’s showing yourself compassion, listening to yourself, and giving yourself the space you need Note down different selfcare activities you can do and schedule them in. Treat them like you would any other important appointment (don’t keep moving it to the bottom of your to-do list), and remember that self-care helps you maintain the energy you need to support others, so it’s anything but selfish.
4. Choose your sources of advice carefully Listening to yourself sounds easy but, in truth, it can be hard. Other people’s opinions can quickly drown out our inner voice, leaving us more confused than ever. Where possible, try to spend time alone thinking about whatever dilemma is coming up for you. Consider what you want and need, and then, if you feel outside opinion is necessary, choose your sources carefully. Ask yourself – whose opinion do you really trust? This is why I’m such a fan of coaching. Coaches won’t inundate you with opinions and advice. Instead, they help
you listen to yourself. Asking questions to encourage reflection and critical thinking, their aim is to guide you to the answers you already have within you.
5. Notice how it feels when you don’t trust yourself Do you remember the last time you made a bad decision? Perhaps your gut was trying to tell you something, but you ignored it? Take yourself back to that moment, and try to remember how this felt in your body. Where in your body do you feel it? What does it look/sound/ smell like? The idea here is to recognise when you’re not trusting yourself, so you can identify the feeling when it comes up again in the future.
6. Let go of habits that undermine your self-trust I’m a big fan of routines, but I recently realised one of them was undermining my self-trust – writing extensive life admin to-do lists every day. While lists
can be very helpful, I was putting things down that didn’t really need to be on a list. And having these extensive, unnecessary reminders hovering over me was, in fact, making me more anxious. Letting go of this list was an expression of self-trust. I had to show trust in myself that I knew what needed to be done daily, and anything out of the ordinary could be set as a reminder instead of a looming to-do list. Other habits that might be familiar to you that could be undermining your self-trust include checking emails multiple times a day, or working late. The more you trust yourself, the more confident you’ll be in sharing your opinion, and moving forward towards your goals. We hope these suggestions are a helpful starting point for you, and remember that if you want more professional support or information about building trust, confidence or working towards your goals, you can visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk
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“
Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know you left open JOHN BARRYMORE
Photography | Olga Serjantu
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true story
Embracing my quirks Having struggled with a stutter all his life, Adam avoided anything that would involve too much speaking. So many missed opportunities lit a fire in him, and prompted Adam to try a new programme that prompted acceptance and transformed his entire outlook Writing | Adam Black
S
tuttering is a hidden disability, and one that affects about 1% of the world’s population. For many people who stutter, the world can be an intimidating place to live, and one where a stutterer can feel isolated, trapped, and scared. I have stuttered for as long as my parents can remember – first it would be repetition of sounds, and then full words. Sometimes, when trying to ask or tell them something, full minutes would go by without me being able to finish the short sentence. But personally, it wasn’t until I was around nine years old and reading Charlotte’s Web out loud in class that I really noticed. I just couldn’t get the words out, and if I did they were very different to others’ in the class. Thereafter, years of conventional therapy made little impact on my progress, and I stuttered quite evidently. I really hated my stutter. I would avoid speaking at all costs, change words, avoid certain sounds, I never spoke out in class, and I didn’t enjoy meeting new people. I stopped going to football and rugby, and would only go to parties if I knew a close group of friends were going to act as a safety net for me.
The thought of leaving school to go to university was making me quite anxious. The thought of introducing myself to all the new people was a scary prospect. How would I manage asking where lecture halls were? How would I make friends? How would I answer in class? Would I benefit from the social scene at university? These questions were spinning in my head, and I found myself fixating on them. I really wanted to be a teacher and to help pupils, especially those with support needs, but knew I wouldn’t get through the teaching side of the course – too much speaking was involved, so I chose a course that involved little-to-no public interaction instead. I will admit I was too scared to pursue teaching at that point. I ended up enjoying my undergraduate course in Sports Development and met a few lifelong friends, but I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to do. I had to do something about my speech, and my mindset in relation to what I could achieve. I enrolled in an intensive therapy course called ‘The McGuire Programme’ in March 2007. This programme focuses on a new way of breathing, called costal breathing, when speaking. The idea is that this gives power behind a breath, and helps >>>
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Being honest about who I was and embracing my stutter changed my life you to control what you’re saying. It’s done in tandem with psychological techniques – mainly accepting yourself as a person with a stutter on your own terms. This acceptance was something I found challenging at first, but now I fully embrace it and openly show myself to be a person with a stutter. Like an elephant in the room, the more you try to ignore it, the more obvious it is that it’s there. With my stuttering, the more I show that I’m comfortable speaking in a different way, the less it bothers me, and now it doesn’t have any negative impact on how I live my life. Being honest about who I was and embracing my stutter changed my life. At this point, I decided I had enough speech control to follow my dream, and I applied for teacher training. In my interview, I was able to describe how growing up in Glasgow with a stutter shaped my education and my friendships, and how I had an understanding of how some pupils with an additional needs might feel.
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They told me that my openness about my own struggles was refreshing, and they thought I’d be a great candidate for the course – nobody had ever said that about my stutter before. I’ve now been teaching for more than 10 years. I’m in a dream role as a teacher of learning support in a busy secondary school – helping the very children I always wanted to. I’ve pushed myself, and have given speeches as a best man and at my own wedding. I’ve even presented at academic conferences! My wife and I now have two children, and I read to them every night – there is no better feeling for my mental health than sitting and reading a story to them, and it’s something I never thought I would do. I still stutter, and I still struggle on certain words or sounds. The difference is that I now deal with these positively, and don’t feel defined by my stutter as I did before. Taking control of my speaking has given me control of how I really feel – I’m happier, more outgoing, and live a full life, which is something I wasn’t doing before.
true story
Adam has been a teacher for more than 10 years now
Stuttering has definitely helped me as a teacher. I know what it is like to be overlooked in class because of difficulties; some of my teachers chose to see my stutter, and not my other qualities. With this in mind, I’m always looking past what conditions children might have, to focus on the things they can do really well – celebrating the positives can do so much for a child. Parents of children I teach really like the fact that I’m open and honest about my own quirks – it shows them that if I can overcome my struggle then there is hope for their children to do the same. My final message is always to embrace your quirks – they make you who you are. Nobody told me that as a child, and I really wish they had – it might have the same positive impact on your
I now have two children, and I read to them every night – there is no better feeling for my mental health than sitting and reading a story to them, and it’s something I never thought I would do mental health as it did for me. The moment I stopped hiding from who I really was, was the moment I started to enjoy life that little bit more. It’s fine to be different, in fact it is good to be different. To stand out for positive reasons, that once had negative associations is really empowering. Embrace your quirks; they make you who you are.
OUR EXPERT SAYS Adam’s story is a brilliant example of how accepting who we are and sharing this with the world encourages external acceptance too. Having more confidence in our abilities allows us to help others as well. As a qualified voice coach, I work with people everyday who are dealing with challenges when it comes to speaking publicly. It’s so important that we find a
way to share what we have to say and take our place in the world. As Adam found, being able to be heard is truly liberating, and means that we can go on to achieve our ambitions and dreams. Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr
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My loved one needs therapy,
what do I do next? If you’ve had a positive experience with a particular mental health treatment, it can be tempting to want to nudge your loved ones along that same path, so that they can reap similar rewards. But how can you do it sensitively, and what happens if they aren’t interested? Writing | Emily Fennell
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Illustrating | Rosan Magar
hen we see our nearest and dearest struggling emotionally or physically, it is in our nature to want to help. Such compassion and concern should be admired, but there are times when it can also be problematic. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink, as they say. Likewise, you can want to support your loved one, but they just might
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not be ready or open to the treatment that you so earnestly believe could help. And that’s tough. You care about your loved one so, of course, you want what’s best for them. It can be really difficult to understand and appreciate why they are not leaping at the chance to engage with a particular therapy or treatment that you believe might help. So, how can you navigate this situation with sensitivity and support?
relationships
1. Provide them with (expectation-free) information Providing a leaflet, website details, or positive feedback about your own therapy experiences can be a really great place to start. Done respectfully, and without ultimatums or expectations, this can open up further discussion about treatment options, which can be helpful for both parties – they gain useful information they may not have previously considered, and you may feel a little less helpless by being able to provide it. 2. Be mindful of any hidden messages When suggesting that a loved one may benefit from having professional support, you may well be meaning to convey the sentiment, “I love you and I want what is best for you.” But there is always the possibility that they may perceive your persuasion for them to have therapy as an accusation along the lines of, “You need fixing.” They might react defensively, even when you have the warmest of intentions. It may sound obvious, but reassuring your loved one that you simply want to help them be the best they can be, and not to intrinsically ‘change’ them, can go a long way.
3. Consider what the ‘issue’ really is Take a moment to step back and reflect on the apparent ‘problem’ that you feel needs addressing. Does your loved one even consider this an issue? Is this something that bothers you more than it bothers them? And, if so, might you benefit from working this through with a professional from your own point of view instead? 4. Listen to them Often we can get so involved in our own narrative that we forget other people also have theirs. If a loved one is expressing reluctance to try a certain approach, hear them out! Try to understand (or to at least listen to) why they are not instantly as keen as you would like. Perhaps this might open up areas for further dialogue that you could talk through together (“I’m just a bit worried about trying something new,” for example). Or perhaps it might not (“It’s just not for me; back off”). Either way, that is their narrative and they are entitled to it. 5. Look after yourself Just as your loved one has every right to decline your wellmeaning invitations for them to consider a particular therapy, you too have every right to your own
Often we can get so involved in our own narrative that we forget other people also have theirs feelings about this. Feelings of helplessness and frustration are normal in such situations, and deserve space and recognition. Remember, you are a person in your own right, and you are not responsible for your loved one. Your own self-care is important. So whether it’s meditation, gardening, your own therapy, or simply screaming into a pillow, do what you need to do to look after your wellbeing. After all, we can’t look after others if we don’t look after ourselves first.
Emily Fennell is a hypnotherapist and trainer specialising in curative hypnotherapy, and offering treatment online and in-person. Find out more by visiting hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk
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work wonders
Turn your passion into profit If you’re looking for a career change, or keen to be your own boss, this is the simple seven-step guide you need to read... Writing | Fiona Thomas
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hat does working in a coffee shop have to do with being a freelance writer? Well, not that much if I’m honest. But before I became a published author and full-time writer, that’s what I did for almost a decade. I worked long days in a variety of cafes, pouring espresso, frothing milk, serving muffins, making staff rotas, and cleaning toilets. I made a lot of friends working in
the industry, I had the best nights out, and learned a few good soup recipes over the years, too. But I knew in my heart that I wanted to do something different. It wasn’t until I had a mental breakdown in my mid-20s that I had time off to reconnect with my passion for writing. I started blogging and, eventually, I was paid to write for magazines, got a book deal, and the rest is history. While I’m not suggesting you need a mental health crisis to find your dream job, I do
think it’s possible to turn your creative passions into a profitable business. Here are seven simple steps to help you get started...
FIGURE OUT YOUR SKILLS Sometimes when we dream about making big life changes, we automatically go into the thought cycle of telling ourselves that it can’t happen because we’re not good enough. Instead of letting this negative self-talk rattle your confidence, it can be helpful to write down all your skills and >>>
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In need of inspiration? Check out these great Instagram accounts: Sophie Cliff @sophiecliff Envision Changes @envisionchanges Babes on Waves @babesonwavesclub Hanna A @asweare.uk
qualifications on a piece of paper so that you can see for yourself all the amazing qualities you bring to the table. Next, consider how these skills could be transferred. For example, my years in customer service have taught me how to deal with clients in any industry. My degree in music nurtured my creativity. Doing amateur acting as a teenager taught me confidence tricks I now use in public speaking. What are your transferable skills?
THINK ABOUT YOUR VALUES We often think about values in terms of brands or big businesses, but they can help guide us as individuals, too. Sophie Cliff (aka The Joyful Coach) says, “So often, we can feel unfulfilled by our work because it’s in direct contrast with what is most important to us – for example, if you have a core value of freedom, sitting at a desk for eight hours a day is never going to feel great.”
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work wonders
By leaning in to the things y o u e n j o y, y o u ’ l l c r e a t e s p a c e for an exciting path to unfold So, think about what your biggest priorities are in life. Is it rest? Creativity? Collaboration? Helping those in need? “Once you’ve started to gather some ideas, you can then start to explore what roles or career paths might feel more in alignment with them,” says Sophie. To get started, consider the moments in life when you feel most like you. What contributes to that feeling?
EXPERIMENT The great thing about side projects is that they come with zero pressure to succeed. So have fun! Pick a few things that speak to you, and brainstorm some ideas that might one day turn into a business. I certainly didn’t think that being open about mental illness combined with my love for writing would become the foundation of my brand, but when you find the things you’re passionate about, everything tends to fall into place. “Give yourself permission to experiment,” says Sophie. “We
can sometimes believe that we need to have the whole plan figured out before we get started, but the best ideas usually come from simply taking some form of action. Think about a couple of things you’re curious about and start to experiment – whether that’s by reading a book, taking a course, or having a conversation. You might not be able to join the dots straight away, but by leaning in to the things you enjoy, you’ll create space for an exciting path to follow.”
MAKE A LOOSE PLAN Get a notebook and write down all the things that you need to do to explore your new passion project. It could be anything from watching YouTube tutorials and researching suppliers, to setting up an Etsy store or building a portfolio of work. Now highlight the three tasks that you’re most drawn to, either because they’re simple or because they sound like fun. Now schedule those three things on your calendar over the
next few weeks. Repeat this over time, and before long your new project will take shape.
TAKE IT SLOW Keeping your passion as a side hustle, while you have financial stability from your day job, mitigates a lot of the risk that comes from a new business. Start by setting small, attainable goals such as one sale per month, then gradually build on them to increase your income. Once you’ve got a few paying customers, then you can figure out what works, what doesn’t, and how you can improve in order to grow the business. Do this by engaging in genuine conversations with your customers on social media, or asking them to complete a short feedback form.
PLAN YOUR PRICING Think carefully about how much you’re going to charge. Will it be a set price in exchange for one item? Or an hourly rate for your >>>
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In ste a d of i nve st i ng m o ney, sta r t by i nvest i ng t i m e i n yo u r bu s i n e s s . Ded i ca te a few ho urs a week to yo u r pa s s i o n , wor k ha rd , a nd ho ne yo ur c ra f t Recommended reads
Here are a few great book I’d suggest if you’re looking for further insight! • Little Black Book by Otegha Uwagba • Out of Office: Ditch the 9–5 and Be Your Own Boss by Fiona Thomas • The Squiggly Career: Ditch the Ladder, Discover Opportunity, Design Your Career by Helen Tupper and Sarah
services? Would a day rate make more sense? If you work on unique projects, maybe each one requires a customised quote? Do some market research to get an idea of what other people charge and take it from there. It might be tempting to charge less than your competitors to attract more business, but remember you need to cover running costs, and eventually pay yourself a salary too.
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INVEST YOUR TIME, NOT YOUR MONEY I see a lot of people spending thousands of pounds on website design, business coaching, and digital marketing support for their side hustle, before they’ve got a fully formed idea – or even their first customer. While there is certainly a time and place for investing money in your business, it can also serve as a procrastination technique.
You’ll launch when the website is ready. You’ll launch when you’ve got a bigger social media following. You’ll launch when you’ve completed that online course. The list – and the money spent – can be endless, if you’re not careful. So instead of investing money, start by investing time in your business. Dedicate a few hours a week to your passion, work hard, and hone your craft. Don’t forget to make the most of free resources such as blogs and podcasts too, and before you know it you’ll be earning a profit! Sophie Cliff (aka The Joyful Coach) is a coach and positive psychology practitioner, focusing on mindset, positivity, and practical action, who helps people live their most joyful lives. Visit sophiecliff.com for more, and listen to her podcast, ‘Practical Positivity’.
When the planets align...
Fr
The days of the week were named after planets, each day aligned with the energy of its respective planetary god. Here’s how to tune-in to the universe to energise your week Illustrating | Rosan Magar
nesd
a
Sa
W
ed
Venus
All about: love and harmony Treat yourself and recharge with anything that brings you joy.
y
M
onday
Moon
All about: emotion and nurturing The start of a new week can feel tough, so be aware of your emotions and treat yourself with kindness.
Tu
esday
Mars
All about: energy and action This is a great day to power through your to-do list.
iday
Mercury
All about: communication Time for mid-week chats, collaboration, but be mindful of your words.
u Th
rsda
Jupiter
y
All about: luck and abundance Use this day for growth. Try something new and reflect on your achievements.
tu
rday
Saturn
All about: structure and discipline Great for productivity, use this energy to tick off those chores and errands, and get organised for the week ahead.
Su
nday
Sun
All about: soul and vitality Spend time nourishing your soul, embracing calm, and refreshing yourself.
happiful.com | March 2021 | 75
THE HAPPIFUL PODCAST
ANNA MATHUR SHAHROO IZADI
NIKESHVICTORY SHUKLA GRACE
ADRIENNE MEGANHERBERT CRABBE
PROFESSOR FIONAGREEN LAMB
• Listen • Share • Subscribe •
Listen to conversations with Anna Mathur, Nikesh Shukla, Adrienne Herbert, Professor Green, and many others, who share their passions, and reveal the moments that shaped them.
Photography: Anna Mathur | And Then She Clicked, Adrienne Herbert | Nathan Gallagher, Professor Green | Courtesy of Aguulp
I am. I have
positive pointers
Building back up
after burnout
Award-winning entrepreneur Leanne Pero has been working solidly for the past 20 years while also living with the aftermath of cancer and childhood abuse. Here, she shares how burnout signalled to her that it was time to stop, re-evaluate, and start prioritising her own mental health Writing | Lucy Donoughue
L
eanne Pero is an awardwinning entrepreneur, founder of Black Women Rising, and a cancer survivor – and she’s burnt out. Truly burnt out. This, she says, is the side of survivorship and advocacy that’s very rarely written about, and she wants to share the impact it has on her mental health in the hope that it might resonate with others. I’m glad Leanne wants to talk about this. Since chatting to her for our podcast, ‘I am. I have’, last November, I’ve watched on social media as she documented moments of celebration, followed by deep sorrow at the death of yet another friend taken by
cancer and, at the end of 2020, her need to take time away from public-facing work. Even from an outsider’s perspective, it’s clear that her continual proximity to the cancer conversation has taken its toll. “I just had to take a break,” Leanne says. “I find I get triggered by bad news, and when you’re a natural empath it’s hard not to get bogged down by worldly problems, but also the worries and lives of the people you care about, too.” Anyone who has come into contact with Leanne will know how truly empathic she is, and why her ongoing work would leave its mark on her soul.
She’s always used her own experiences to help others. As a survivor of childhood abuse, in her teenage years she found a way of expressing herself through dance that helped her enormously. After recognising that movement has the power to heal, Leanne began to teach, mentor, and support others with their struggles, too. She set up The Movement Factory 20 years ago, and the dance company is still going strong today. However, it’s Black Women Rising, the project-turnednationwide-initiative she established after treatment for breast cancer, that’s been at the centre of her world recently. >>>
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Hear more from Leanne on Happiful’s podcast, ‘I am. I have’
Photography | The Leanne Pero Foundation
I’ve realised now that I have to protect myself, because I can’t do the work that I do without taking some time away Leanne was just 30 when she received her diagnosis, and felt completely alone. She couldn’t find resources for Black women living with cancer, let alone young Black women like her, and so she started a support movement. Last year, Black Women Rising developed into a magazine, podcast, and community initiative to support thousands of Black women throughout their cancer journey.
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Leanne is rightly proud of all the support BWR has provided, but constant discussions and focus on illness, treatment, and death have had a serious impact on her own mental health. The arrival of extreme burnout, and its manifestations, scared her. “Up until that point, I felt like I was a machine, always on the go,” Leanne says. “Then one day, I just couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t move. I was having major
headaches and having to sleep throughout the day. The physical effects of mental exhaustion are real and huge – that’s what people don’t understand. “I’ve had to reinforce personal boundaries, and this has meant limiting regular contact within the cancer community right now,” she explains. “I have to protect myself, because I can’t continue to do the work that I do without taking some time away.” And this time has enabled her to gain a perspective on the organisation, and prompted revelations about the next steps needed to move forward.
positive pointers
Address your burnout
•T ime to disconnect? Start with your phone. Turn off notifications and put it on ‘do not disturb’ mode until you want to engage again. •S hare the load. Think about where and how you can delegate. Can you stop anything, or hand it over to someone who has the available time and energy? •H ow are you treating yourself? Can you eat to nourish yourself, and move to nurture yourself?
“I realised that I’ve set up this amazing organisation, it’s doing brilliant work, and now it’s time to put people in place to grow it further. Now it’s time for me to live my life for me.” But taking a step back, after her whole adult life has revolved around serving others, isn’t as simple as it sounds. “It’s not an easy process when you’ve been working like I have for 20 years – you have to give yourself permission. It’s a definitive act of self-care.”
So where do you start? For Leanne, it was by shaking up her daily routine. “I’ve been working a few hours a day, and that’s enough for now. On Monday, I had a very unapologetic day of waking up and deciding not to work. It felt a bit naughty,” she laughs. “But I felt better and lighter for it.” Now, everything Leanne does is about getting herself mentally healthy, including walks, seeing her therapist, and reading. But above all, space to think has been crucial in addressing her burnout, to process her experiences and acknowledge the shadow that cancer has left behind, even after her all-clear. In January, Leanne had a scan which showed no signs of cancer and she was elated. After telling a friend she’d been holding off big life decisions for fear the cancer was back, she was thrown when he called her attitude “stupid”. “The triggering nature of my work meant that I truly believed it was coming back,” she explains. “Having the clear scan was like being set free, so being shut down was hard. I felt invalidated, but in the cancer community this is a really common thought pattern – the extreme anxiety that comes with a scan.
Now it’s time for me to live my life for me “That fear, it’s exhausting, and it made my burnout 10 times worse. I have my own internal struggles as well, and that’s why it’s important to take proper time out before I can even think about doing anything else for others.” This self-enforced change of pace has enabled Leanne to think about her own needs, and she happily shares that she’s in the process of buying a house. “Right now,” she says, “I want to concentrate on building a happy life. I think that’s the greatest gift I could give to myself.” For more resources on managing work-life balance, and support with mental health after a cancer diagnosis, see our Happiful app.
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How to create a
personal development plan We are so encouraging and supportive to others, yet many of us don’t give ourselves that same time and attention. But allowing yourself the opportunity to experience personal growth is not only beneficial to you – others will gain from your self-improvement and change in mindset too! Writing | Chloe Gosiewski
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e all have personal goals for our development, whether they’re career-based, to build self-confidence, to stop procrastinating, or even to start making better decisions. Regardless of your focus area, the important thing is to know what your goal is – and then you can figure out how to get there.
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A personal development plan is the blueprint of your journey to personal success and fulfilment. It helps keep you on track when it comes to reaching your goals, acting as a guide that not only reminds you of where it is you want to go, but also shows you potential stumbling blocks and ways to overcome them, as and when they show up.
The five areas of personal development When it comes to creating your plan, it’s sometimes easier to break down the different areas of your life into these five categories: mental, social, spiritual, emotional, and physical. Looking at each section individually will help you to discover the aspects that are more pressing, and which ones can be worked on at a later date.
work wonders
1. Mental Your mental development focuses on your mind. It will cover good thinking habits, which are especially important for anyone who is stuck in negative thought patterns. It can involve study and skills, such as learning a new language or reading a book. This area also looks at ways to improve your creativity, and how to pursue your ideas. 2. Physical We all know how powerful the mind-body connection is, and when you consider that our body is the only house we have to live in, it’s not surprising that keeping it healthy and happy is so important for our all-round wellbeing. Physical development covers eating better and exercising to improve health, taking care of your skin, or potentially changing your appearance, if that’s something you have always wanted to do. 3. Social Your social development includes your sense of community, your relationship with friends, family, and lovers. It also focuses on how you effectively communicate with people, both in your personal and professional lives. You may find that you want to meet new people, or strengthen the bonds that you already have. >>>
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4. Spiritual The word ‘spiritual’ can turn some people off, perhaps mistaking it for religion or the unknown. But spiritual development is actually focused on learning about yourself and what you truly want in life. It helps you to develop a deeper connection with the world around you, leading you to understand your role within that world. 5. Emotional Improving your emotional intelligence can help you to become more self-aware, handle stress more efficiently, and to develop empathy skills. Some things to consider in this area of development could be to observe how you react to people and situations, to take responsibility for your actions, think about how you treat others, and begin to ask yourself why you feel the way you do – as well as what you would like to feel instead. Identifying your strengths and weaknesses Another important stage of developing your plan is to understand where your strengths and weaknesses lie. Start by asking yourself the following questions, and write down your answers: • What do you love? • What are you good at? • What do others say you are good at? • What makes you feel strong? • What three positive words would you use to describe yourself? • When was the last time you were in a state of flow, and what were you doing?
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Try to remember that a challenge is not a burden, nor a punishment. It’s an opportunity to learn and grow Within these answers lies not only your strengths, but also some clues as to what your life purpose and mission is! It’s a really useful tool to discover what motivates and energises you. In order to understand potential threats and ways to overcome them as and when they arise, you need to identify your Achilles heel. Try asking yourself the following six questions and, again, note down your answers. • Which projects and tasks seem to drain you of energy? • Are there any people in your life that leave you feeling drained and exhausted? • What activities do you find difficult? • What could you use more experience in? • What areas could you learn more about? • When you struggle the most, what is happening around you?
From this, you should have some insight into potential stumbling blocks and challenges that could come your way. Now, it is up to you to find ways to pre-empt these struggles. For example, is there any aspect you need to study more to help prepare you for these challenges? Do you need to practise saying no, setting boundaries, or find ways to manage stress more effectively? Your plan should not just include your destination, it should also include the condition of the roads, where to stop and rest, and how to change your tyre if you get a flat! Steps to take to create a personal development plan Everything we’ve covered can be summarised in the following nine steps: 1. Identify your goals 2. List them in order of priority 3. Set yourself a deadline
work wonders
4. Understand your strengths 5. Become aware of opportunities and road blocks 6. Develop new skills 7. Take action 8. Get support 9. Measure and evaluate your progress
Now it’s your turn
1. Write your goals below. 2. U se the boxes to number your goals, starting with one as your first priority. 3. Set yourself a deadline.
Keeping focused and motivated can be a struggle, especially when you have so much going on around you. Some days, life can come at you with a whole bunch of stuff that you are not prepared for and, on a not-sogood day, it can sweep your feet out from underneath you. Try to remember that a challenge is not a burden, nor a punishment. It’s an opportunity to learn and grow. Finally, call on some support. Whether that be a friend, a relative or a professional, be sure to utilise the community around you. Many people choose to work with a life coach because they find the professional support and accountability, both inspiring and motivating, but whatever you decide to do is right for you. Best of luck!
Chloe Gosiewski is a qualified life coach, specialising in personal development and travel coaching, and is also Mental Health First Aid trained. To find out more and get in touch with her, visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk
DEADLINE
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Decluttering tips for low periods
With help from a decluttering expert, we explore tips for tackling mess when you’re going through a difficult time Writing | Dilly Carter
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hen we’re going through periods of low mood and depression, it can be easy to let clutter build up in our homes to the point where it becomes overwhelming. As our motivation wavers and things start to slip, we can get caught in a clutter cycle – our mood only made worse by our chaotic environment.
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Illustrating | Rosan Magar
Here, decluttering expert Dilly Carter explores five tips for breaking the cycle and creating a soothing environment: 1. Create a corner of calm It’s important that we have at least one area in our home where we can sit, relax, and unwind, without being surrounded by clutter. So focus on that first – even if you move the clutter to another spot for now – so that you have an area in your home where you can unwind from the stress of the day, free of mess.
2. Work out areas that are most valuable What space do you need to reclaim the most? Maybe it’s your bedroom? Any good therapist or doctor will tell you that sleep is vital for wellbeing. So, if you’re not getting a good night’s sleep, could the chaos in your bedroom be contributing to that? If you are working from home, simplifying your WFH space can help you feel more motivated. A dedicated home office space is the dream, but even if you only have a corner of your kitchen, you can still create a space that is clear of clutter – and unwashed dishes! If you try to work
surrounded by disorganised paperwork, it’s harder to focus and concentrate. Maintaining an organised space and a healthy work-life balance is vital to your productivity, creativity, and wellbeing. Now ask, what tools do you need to reclaim it? Do you need help from someone else, be it a professional or family member? Write down the steps you need to achieve your goal. 3. Set aside dedicated time Time is our most valuable commodity. Where you can, set aside time to make your vision become reality. Often, when we’re struggling, jobs get started but are not completed. So think about the time you need to complete the task ahead. Is it achievable in the time frame you have set yourself? How can you make it work?
4. Try a ‘Dolly Dash’ A ‘Dolly Dash’ is a quick 15-minute challenge to change something in your home (you’ll find lots of suggestions for these in my book). You might give your sock drawer a whirl, and once you have finished the sense of achievement might drive you on to declutter the chest of drawers. Perhaps you’ll even be inspired to tackle the whole room! When did you last ‘Dolly Dash’ your cutlery drawer? Are you keeping excessive numbers of knives, forks, and utensils in one drawer? What can be moved out? What can be recycled? Do you have a ‘good’ cutlery set that only comes out on special occasions? Why not use that every day? It’s amazing how just a small change can make a big difference to your day. If all else fails, put a load of washing on or set the dishwasher going. I guarantee you’ll feel like you’ve achieved something just by doing that.
5. Don’t give up It’s easy to feel overwhelmed or unmotivated, but keep going until you reach your goal. These things take time. Don’t put yourself under pressure to achieve everything at once. Be kind, forgive yourself, and just keep that end vision in mind.
‘Create Space: Declutter Your Home to Clear Your Mind’ by Dilly Carter is out now (DK, £12.99).
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12 12 things you didn’t know could be symptoms of depression Sometimes, depression can creep up on us in unexpected and subtle ways. Did you know about these unusual symptoms? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
D
epression is one of the most prominent mental health conditions worldwide, and it’s likely that if you haven’t experienced it yourself, someone close to you has. For some, depression can be something that affects them in the short-term, following a distressing event or a loss, while for others it can stay with them for long periods of time, becoming something that they live alongside.
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When it comes to mental health conditions, while we may experience them different ways, there are often some unifying factors that connect these experiences. Depression comes in many forms, and sometimes it can sneak up on us without us realising. But when we are able to watch out for the signs, we can get support sooner. So, how can you spot it? Here, we explore 12 things you may not have realised could be symptoms of depression.
1. A SENSE OF APATHY To feel apathetic is to lose interest, enthusiasm, or concern for the things that would normally spark something inside you. It may be a work project that you were once really invested in, or perhaps friendships and relationships that are now sidelined – messages going unread and meet-ups cancelled at the last minute. Depression can make everything feel a lot heavier, and like a lot more effort. And with that, a feeling of apathy can make its way into your day-to-day life.
2. PHYSICAL PAIN Sometimes, physical pain can cause depression – particularly if it’s ongoing or chronic. But other times, depression can actually cause physical pain. According to a study published in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, depression can sometimes manifest itself in joint, limb, and back pain, as well as headaches and gastrointestinal problems. The neurotransmitters that influence both our mood and pain levels are serotonin and norepinephrine – and so it makes sense that our mental and physical health would be linked in this way.
wellbeing
3. CHANGE IN YOUR APPETITE Whether it’s eating more than you usually would, or finding that you don’t have much of an appetite, depression and low mood can often affect how much you feel like eating. Of course, changes in appetite could be related to other mental health problems such as eating disorders, as well as other medical conditions – so if you have any concerns, it’s important to speak to your GP. But if you’ve found that your mood has been low and your appetite has changed, these two things could be linked.
4. TROUBLE FALLING ASLEEP Do you find yourself tossing and turning at night? Or waking up at intervals or in the early hours of the morning? Every night, 22% of people reportedly struggle to fall asleep, and many of these cases are likely to be connected to mental health problems. And the trouble with sleep issues? They can catch you in a vicious cycle, with poor sleep leading to stress and frustration, which can then be another thing keeping you up at night. >>>
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5. DIFFICULTY CONCENTRATING It may be due to a mixture of other symptoms coming together, including sleep problems and apathy, but our concentration can falter when experiencing depression. You could find that your mind wanders more than it would do normally, that you are struggling to get through tasks, or are battling with ‘brain fog’, and this could be linked to low mood.
6. LETHARGY CYCLE Linked to the previous point on sleep, a lethargy cycle can spiral into something that you can struggle to escape from. Are you familiar with the feeling of being tired after oversleeping? This is where it all begins. Perhaps you have been experiencing low mood, which leads you to stay in bed for longer than usual in the morning. When you get up, you feel groggy and fatigued, and so you go to bed early or lie-in again – and the pattern repeats itself. This is a lethargy cycle, and it has the potential to take over your routines and wellbeing.
7. ANGER OR IRRITABILITY It’s often noted that anger can be a more prominent symptom in men who are experiencing depression. Of course, though there may be some truth to this, when it comes to gender and mental health, it’s complicated, and ultimately all genders may find that they experience a greater level of anger, frustration, and irritability. It could be aimed towards ourselves – frustration about not currently being able to function as we wish to – or it could be towards others, as our tolerance threshold is lowered by our state of wellbeing. Whatever direction the anger manifests itself, depression can make us lash out in ways we wouldn’t do usually.
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8. OFTEN FORGETTING THE FINER DETAILS OF EVENTS According to a study published in the French journal L’Encéphale, those who are living with depression may find that they have trouble remembering the specific details from events. For example, you may remember going out on a daytrip – you can recall where you went, but you might find yourself forgetting who you went with, where you had lunch, or what the weather was like. This can also make its way into your daily life, perhaps forgetting house keys or leaving lights on. That said, if you find that you are forgetting more and more things, it could be worth speaking to your GP.
wellbeing
9. BETTER RECALL OF NEGATIVE EVENTS On the other hand, a study published in the Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry found that those with depression might experience “negative memory biases”. This means that they are more easily able to recall negative memories – difficult times stick with them in more detail than those who have not experienced depression. Perhaps there is an upsetting incident that you continue to return to, or “bad days” stick in your mind.
Almost half of UK adults have reported that their wellbeing has been affected by the Covid-19 pandemic 10. SKIN PROBLEMS
If you are struggling with depression, know that you do not need to do it alone. Turn to p7 for helplines you can call for immediate support, visit your GP, or head to counsellingdirectory.org.uk to connect with a wellbeing professional.
In a similar way to physical pain, skin problems can both cause and be an effect of depression. Psychodermatology is the study of how the mind and skin work with (and sometimes against) each other. A study published in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry found that more than one-third of those with skin conditions go on to have psychiatric consultations. Whether it’s acne, eczema, psoriasis, or dry skin, depression could be playing a role in these symptoms.
11. INCREASED ANXIETY Depression and anxiety often come hand-inhand with each other, and it can sometimes be difficult to separate the two. While many of the symptoms are distinct from one another, others do overlap (irritability, difficulty concentrating, and sleep disruptions, for example) and you could observe that they feed into one another. You could find that you are experiencing anxiety specifically about your depression – how it’s affecting your life, and whether you will be able to accomplish things that need to be done while you are struggling.
12. FEELINGS OF GUILT Depression can sometimes bring with it a mound of guilt – perhaps around not be able to perform your duties at work, or about neglecting your relationships. As with the other symptoms here, this can only make you feel worse, and it’s worth remembering that it’s OK to let some things slide when you’re struggling – not every text, email, or call needs a reply within the hour. In addition, depression could be making you harder on yourself, your selfimage skewed by low mood, so it’s worth reaching out to others for reassurance and affirmation if this is something you’re struggling with.
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Ask the experts Counsellor and psychotherapist Nora Allali-Carling answers your questions on grief Read more about Nora Allali-Carling on Counselling Directory
Q
I’ve lost a loved one to Covid-19, and I am finding it hard to process as it was so unexpected. Is there anything I can do to help myself accept what’s happened?
A
It can be particularly traumatic losing a loved one to Covid-19, especially if it
Q
A friend of mine has lost someone recently, and I feel so awful for them. How can I best support them when we can’t be together in person?
A
There are a number of ways you can support your friend
was sudden or unexpected. It is an incredibly distressing time to be bereaved, so making sense of the loss can feel quite surreal. When you feel ready and able, accept support from others, and allow them into your space of pain. It can feel like you’re facing this grief alone, especially when you’re unable to see family and friends under the recent restrictions. More than ever, it’s important to try to maintain remote contact
who has lost a loved one, and trying to stay connected to them is one of the most important things that you can do. Let them know you are there if they want to talk, and allow them to speak freely about their loved one, cry freely, and sit with their grief. Try to use their loved one’s name as it keeps the person alive in their heart and mind. Restrictions permitting,
with friends and family via telephone, internet or video calls. Keep talking about your loved one, and your sense of loss. Sharing how you feel, or reading how others feel in support groups online, can help you come to terms with the loss. If you are feeling particularly sad, talk to your doctor and try taking some time outdoors in nature. Be gentle with yourself, and embrace all your emotions.
perhaps think about something practical you could do to take off their plate, a chore or job which would ease the burden – for example order the shopping, book the MOT, etc. It might also be a good idea to encourage your friend to speak to their doctor, and consider looking at some national online charities who offer bereavement support.
Counselling Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
relationships
TOP TIPS FOR THOSE STRUGGLING TO COPE WITH GRIEF: 1. Turn to friends and family members, connect with people, talk to people, accept help of any kind. 2. Establish a routine, including your health and wellbeing in this (drink water, exercise daily, eat regular meals, shower etc.) 3. Talk to a therapist or grief counsellor, join support groups online, and/or read about others’ experiences.
Q
I can’t stop thinking about what I lost in 2020; the experiences I have missed out on and the opportunities that never arrived. Do you have any tips for dealing with this type of ambiguous grief?
A
Every loss has a meaning. Your hopes, plans, and dreams about what could have
been are now gone, and these things which didn’t happen, but should have, are worth mourning. Revisiting the missed opportunities which never arrived can cause deep feelings of disappointment. A loss like this is more poignant to some because we plan for most things in our life. We plan for events months and years ahead, as we plan decades ahead for our retirement. One way to combat this would be to journal about your
disappointments and what you imagined would be, and let them go – release them out of your body. You could also talk about how you feel to someone you trust and are comfortable with. One of the most essential things you can do is to try to give back to yourself in this process of mourning. Try to focus on self-love and self-care, where you give something back to yourself to enjoy.
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HAPPIFUL TOP 10
March
Encourage your own happiness and growth this March. Explore ways of overcoming personal challenges, and be inspired to nurture your own mental wellbeing
3
Manifestations
Find a mirror and say, out loud, three things that you want to speak (and think!) into existence! Maybe by the time summer comes you want to have the confidence to wear that jacket you love but haven’t left the house in yet, or you want to apply for that job you’ve always wanted. Once you think and believe that something is possible, you can be more equipped to make it a reality. (Learn more about manifesting from our columnist Grace Victory at happiful.com)
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PAGE-TURNERS
All On The Board: Inspirational quotes from the TfL underground duo by All on the Board What began as just two Transport for London employees who wanted to brighten up a ‘Keep Right’ sign with famous quotes and messages to travellers, All On The Board brings you a compilation of the inspirational and positive board creations you may have missed when commuting stopped! (Out now, £14.99. Yellow Kite Books, Hachette)
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PUT ON A SHOW
OUT AND ABOUT
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LEND US YOUR EARS ‘The Resilience Sessions’
Back for a second series, ‘The Resilience Sessions’ bring together veterans from Blesma, the limbless veterans charity, and well-known public figures to share their experiences of overcoming personal challenges. Each episode involves an open and inspiring conversation about the effects of limb loss on mental health. (Listen to the podcast on iTunes, Google Podcasts and Spotify. Learn more about Blesma at blesma.org)
Green fingers
Being outside in the garden, or taking time to tend to your only surviving houseplant, can be a really great way to calm anxiety and stress. Taking an hour to make sure your pots are watered, or that there aren’t any stray leaves or weeds in your flower beds, can be so satisfying. The plants will thank you, too! (Find more tips and tricks for growing your own plants at nationaltrust.org.uk/gardeners-tips)
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PLUGGED-IN Jada Sezer
As a UN Ambassador for women and a plus-sized model, Jada Sezer radiates the kind of positivity we all crave on our feeds. Hoping to inspire her followers to care as much about their mental health as they do about their bodies, Jada advocates for self-love as the highest priority. (Follow @jadasezer on Instagram)
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TECH TIP-OFFS Refill
Hula Fit | hulafit.com, HappySelf Journal | happyselfjournal.com
Are you working towards a plastic-free lifestyle? The Refill app puts you in charge of your sustainability with a map of your local plastic-free shopping hotspots. Once you join the #RefillRevolution and download the app, you can also add any new destinations that you find so that others can use them, too! (Available on Android and iOS)
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International Women’s Day
“From challenge comes change.” International Women’s Day aims not only to celebrate women’s achievements, but also to challenge the gender inequality around us. Why not share your favourite inspirational women and their successes across social media, or sign up for a virtual event dedicated to celebrating women! (8 March 2021. You can sign up for live events and find resources at internationalwomensday.com)
SQUARE EYES I am Greta
I am Greta follows the aweinspiring story of Greta Thunberg, the Swedish climate change activist who continues to encourage every one of us to save the planet. While the uplifting documentary explores Greta’s huge success across the globe, it also takes time to reflect on her own mental health as a self-proclaimed shy girl with Asperger’s syndrome. (Available on BBC iPlayer)
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THE CONVERSATION
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GET GOING Hula Fit
We all do exercise for different reasons, and luckily for us, Hula Fit can suit all of them! Open to every ability, Hula Fit will get you moving your body in ways you haven’t before, while getting your heart pumping and your endorphins flowing. Make sure to grab a drink before you start – keeping the hoop on your waist is sweaty work! (Class prices start at £6.00, visit hulafit.com to find out more)
TREAT YOURSELF
The HappySelf Journal Switch off from social media and become more in-tune with your own thoughts and feelings with the HappySelf Journal. Noticing the positive impact of journaling, Francesca Geens wanted to create a simple journal of her own. Filled with daily exercises to help you and the young people in your life practise mindfulness, the HappySelf journal encourages a growth mindset. (£19.90, shop online at happyselfjournal.com)
WIN!
WIN a HappySelf Journal! For your chance to win, simply email competitions@happiful.com with your answer to the following question: Which of these is a hormone associated with happiness? a) Cortisol
b) Estrogen
c) Serotonin
Competition closes 18 March 2021. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!
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As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
Photography | Vin Stratton
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true story
Ensuring the slip doesn’t become a slide Recovery is never a linear journey but, as Laura shares with her experience of anorexia, you can break free from destructive cycles, and find the courage and strength you never knew you had Writing | Laura Zuber
T
here’s a huge difference between loss of appetite and control of appetite. Anorexia, for me, was an inability to cope with emotions and the unpredictability of life. It’s a disease that targets high achievers and perfectionists. When I initially went for help, I was told I wasn’t thin enough. Doctors wouldn’t tell an alcoholic to only seek help when their liver is destroyed, so why tell someone who doesn’t eat enough to only seek help when their BMI is too low and causing damage? Anorexia isn’t a lifestyle choice, it isn’t about vanity, or seeking attention. It is the complete opposite. Externally, it probably seemed as if I always had high self-esteem, but internally I scrutinised my faults. I would focus on what I didn’t finish or what I didn’t achieve, rather than what I had done. This is where my need for control began. I grew up with a healthy love and appreciation of food. I was always tall, broad, vibrant, energetic, and was never a fussy child. I always went to bed late, got up early, and had boundless energy and motivation to achieve new things on a daily basis. As sickening as it sounds, I have always had a hunger for food, and a hunger for life. Like so many people, some of my greatest memories are associated with my love of food. Holidays to Florida filled with every flavour of
sweets, buffets, and pancakes. Late-night snacks and ice creams as big as my head when I’d go out for birthday parties with my friends. Food became my friend, and that friendship only became toxic when it became my only friend. But following a big change in my family dynamic, paired with the changing cyber culture, I began using food as a crutch. When I was 11, my parents split up. My mum found a new female partner, and my dad began working abroad. I was bullied extensively in school, and then my mum and her new partner moved abroad, where I didn’t know a soul, and everything felt unpredictable. I had some strange circumstances in my life that anyone would struggle to deal with, and paired with being lonely and an only child meant I hid within the fantasy realms of my own mind. When I left school, I went straight into running a successful business. The pressure of this coupled with my fear of failure, and a need to please my mum, who was obsessed with weight loss, and dad, who was obsessed with exercise, led to me believe that I wouldn’t be good enough until I was thin and fit enough. I spiralled into a new world, a new false reality that anorexia paved for me. I created toxic situations, and believed starvation made me a better person. I was possessed by a demon, >>>
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Identifying her eating disorder’s voice was key to Laura’s recovery
and tried to reach the unattainable goal of perfection to the exclusion of health, happiness, and light. The sheer amount of time and energy spent thinking about foods, calories, weight, and exercise would exhaust anyone. So, what happens when your exhausted and worn-down brain gets an influx of free time? Well, it can’t fight off the temptations of the disease. More and more brain space gets taken by disordered thoughts. Only when it can no longer cope or function does it say: enough. I was constantly preoccupied with food. Nothing meant more to me than my next bite, and nothing gave me more shame than my last one. I was in a toxic, self-loathing cycle. When I think of all the things I lost during my eating disorder, weight seems vastly insignificant. I questioned whether I’d ever trust myself again. Would others ever trust me? Identifying my eating disorder voice was the most pivotal aspect of my recovery. I had to recognise that this part of my mind was not healthy, and was not going away. So if I wanted to get better, I’d have to call out my eating disorder voice every single time it popped up. I’d have to confront my urges to obsess or indulge in disordered eating behaviours, work to avoid or correct them, and act based on my recently adopted healthy mindset instead. Recovery was brutal. It felt like breaking up with a bad boyfriend who I loved even though I knew I shouldn’t. He treated me poorly, he
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Nothing meant more to me than my next bite, and nothing gave me more shame than my last one. I was in a toxic, self-loathing cycle ruined my life, he consistently devastated me, and yet, without him, who was I? I had to break down thousands of rules, habits, and rituals I had created for myself. Since so much of my identity had been built around the framework of disordered eating, I had to relearn how to think in order to rebuild my identity, which was as painstaking and uncomfortable as it sounds. I thought recovery was about walking along white sandy beaches with a soft smile, not sobbing for half-days at a time or falling into a dark hole of depression because suddenly the thing that was my best friend, and that had determined the largest part of who I was for years was gone. I had several relapses, but the important thing was getting back on track so that, as they say in recovery, “the slip doesn’t become a slide”. What I learned was that motivation is what gets you started, but habit keeps you going.
true story
I once heard someone say that ageing is an extraordinary process where we become the person we always should have been. I can relate to that in so many ways. As I have developed, every stage of my life has required a different version of me, and now I’m finally comfortable in my own skin, becoming more confident and realising nobody’s judgments matter but my own. I’m not the finished article, no one ever is, and every day we learn new ways to cope. I’ve spoken to a lot of people who identify as recovered, and they all say the same thing. You choose to find the strength. You might not know why, but you do. You commit, then you do the hard work. Yes, you falter, and mess up, and go back to the beginning again, but this journey is
what I do now. I bump along on a perpetual path of self-realisation, and I learn every day along the way. Some days I don’t think about eating, and other days food, calories, and weight are all I can think of. I have days where I lovingly embrace my recovery body, and sometimes I want to hide and cry because I feel so confused about what a healthy recovery body should look and feel like. What keeps me going is thinking of how cold, miserable, and alone I felt when my whole life revolved around food and scales. I think of the long-term future I want to have with the people I love, and I want that to be guilt-free and without having to control everything. When you go to bed tonight, remind yourself you have done amazingly, be patient, and remember that big things have to be taken one step at a time, but soon enough you will go to sleep not filled with guilt and shame, but brimming with pride for the strength you have to overcome these struggles.
OUR EXPERT SAYS Laura’s inspirational story shines a light on how challenging it can be to live with an eating disorder, and the severe impact it can have on our physical and mental health. Laura’s relationship with food was clearly complex, likely triggered by the difficult life experiences she was exposed
to, but by building courage and inner strength she was able to break the cycle. She has positively grown from her experience, and is now able to flourish. Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred)
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try this at home
Taking care of yourself needs to be a priority. Think about your boundaries, and if there are any new ones you might need to implement.
Progress takes time, so go easy on yourself.
Every win, no matter how small, is worth
Having a tough day?
You’re not alone in struggling. We’re all in this together – and we’re all rooting for you.
Remind yourself of these key things...
It’s OK to take breaks – whether that’s from social media, the news, or ensuring you’re getting away from your desk regularly. These are not normal circumstances. You don’t need to put pressure on yourself to be thriving right now. Just survive and do the best you can.
Your emotional state can really vary. Listen to your body and take each day as it comes.
Plan some ‘moments of delight’ for you to look forward to. It could be cooking your favourite meal, a call with a friend, or an evening reading a new book.
The show must go on(line)
© Nina Subin
© Marco Ovando
Raven Leilani
Skin
THU 25 FEB – THU 4 MAR Raven Leilani’s debut novel has won plaudits across the board. Hear the author in conversation with novelist Diana Evans.
THU 4 – THU 11 MAR The lead singer of rock band Skunk Anansie, solo artist, LGBTQI+ activist and all-round trailblazer launches her memoir in a broadcast event.
Luster
It Takes Blood and Guts
Find out more at southbankcentre.co.uk
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