Happiful May 2020

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THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

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those Zzzs nto i n

SLEEP SPECIAL

MAY 2020 £4.00

Let kindness lead the way Changing habits never felt so good

• Drift off in seconds • • Insight into your dreams • • Put insomnia • to bed

Davina McCall

The fitness guru on embracing her inner child & living life to the fullest

Invisible illness There’s so much more than just what you see

The time is now Unearth the healing power of nature Self-care quiz

Uncovering the root of panic attacks & how to treat them

Make meditating easy 05

9 772514

373000

HAPPIFUL.COM

Break free from the cycle

“

A champion is defined not by their wins but by how they can recover when they fall – SERENA WILLIAMS

Photography | Jornada Produtora

Here for you In unprecedented times, there's no guidebook to tell us how we should be feeling, and what we should think. The uncertainty and new territory we're in, can feel overwhelming at times.

But know that however you're feeling is valid.

If you're struggling, worried about your health, or finances, and scared of the unknown in this situation, that's perfectly understandable.

If you're relishing some time to yourself, and having a moment to pause and breathe in daily life, that's amazing.

The important thing is to be aware of the fact not everyone will react in the same way to such an extreme situation – and how we're feeling can vary from day to day.

That's why it's so important to check in with each other, be aware if someone needs support, or a distraction, and to be sensitive with our words.

While this issue is a little different – and the first our team has put together remotely – we hope you'll find a wealth of information and insight to support you through this time: from a guide to meditation, to advice on panic attacks, and tips for a soothing night's sleep.

As Deepak Chopra said: "In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you."

We can't control everything around us, but we can find ways to treat ourselves with compassion.

We're all in this together.

W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR

I | @happiful_magazine

Sleep Special 16 Sweet dreams

We look at three common sleep scenarios, and get professional advice on how to put insomnia to bed

20 Drift off in minutes

Science-backed secrets to send you to sleep

40 You are feeling sleepy...

Can hypnotherapy solve your slumber struggles?

48 When push comes to shove

Make sleeping with a partner work for you

60 Pillow talk

A first-hand experience with sleeplessness

68 The stuff of dreams

What can dreams tell us about our MH?

The Uplift

Features

8 In the news

28 The fourth trimester

13 The wellbeing wrap

The postnatal period is full of challenges, and it's time we kicked some expectations

44 Davina McCall

The broadcaster on nurturing her inner-child, and living life to its fullest

51 One of a kind

Learn how to change your habits by allowing kindness to lead the way

79 Know your triggers

14 What is skin positivity?

Get on-board with the movement that's teaching us to love the skin we're in

90 Quickfire: MH Matters

Lifestyle and Relationships

Discover what's behind your panic attacks, and how to control them

22 Career ruts uncut

Life Stories

31 High-functioning anxiety

37 Kule T: On the road again

57 Dan Cross

Depression, marriage breakdown, bereavement, and illness all lay heavy on Kule T's shoulders. In this dark time, he found solace in his love of music

87 Hayley: Crisis to coaching Through a challenging time, Hayley felt isolated and alone. But a fresh start brought new opportunities, and now she helps others on their own journeys

Grace Victory explores feeling lost at work

What is it and how can we spot it?

The SAS: Who Dares Wins star on creating space for men to come together to grieve

62 Kindness in hard times Eight ways to help yourself and others

72 Look again

Invisible illnesses and why we need to reassess what we think 'healthy' looks like

Our team EDITORIAL

Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Head Writer Tia Sinden | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer Grace Victory | Columnist Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Art Director Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator Emma Boast | Designer

COMMUNICATIONS

Alice Greedus PR Officer alice.greedus@happiful.com

CONTRIBUTORS Emma Shearer, Jenna Farmer, Claire Munnings, Shahroo Izadi, Gemma Calvert, Sassy Smith, Fiona Thomas, Maxine Ali, Kule T, Hayley Austin

SPECIAL THANKS Vikki Powell, Peter Klein, Lesley Shearer, Sonal Shah, John McKenzie, Carolyne Bennett, Katerina Georgiou, Will Leifer, Rachel Coffey, Dr Elena Touroni, Sanjivan Parhar

Happiful Hacks

MANAGEMENT

42 Make meditation easy

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

70 Let go of grudges

SUBSCRIPTIONS

76 Stop dreading the week ahead

For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

Wellness

CONTACT

27 Press play

Create your ultimate feel-good playlist

34 The self-care quiz

Take our quiz and discover which selfcare activity you should try

54 Indulge your senses

We try a new massage treatment with a scented twist

65 10 energy-boosting foods

Culture 24 Things to do in May 82 Turn over a new page

Don't miss this month's latest book releases

83 Willow Crossley

The author and floral stylist highlights the healing power of nature

Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY Helping you find the help you need.

Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

Expert Panel One undeniable truth is that finding the right help for each individual is a journey – what works for one of us will be different for someone else. But don't feel disheartened if you haven't found your path yet.

Our Happiful family can help you on your way. Bringing together various arms of support, each of our sister sites focuses on a different method of nourishing your wellbeing – from counselling, to hypnotherapy, nutrition, coaching, and therapy.

Rav's review Getting enough sleep is key in order to help us maintain our wellbeing.

This month, we focus on just how important sleep is, and in addition, how you can achieve a better night’s sleep. Head over to page 16 for some real life scenarios and great tips that we can apply to our daily lives that will help improve our sleep quality. A better sleep leads to improved wellbeing, which in turn, enables each of us to take on the day with a more positive mindset.

RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

LESLEY SHEARER

PETER KLEIN

BSc PG Dip

BSc PGDip CBT MA BABCP

Lesley is a psychotherapist with a special interest in anxiety.

Peter is a cognitive behavioural psychotherapist.

JOHN MCKENZIE

SONAL SHAH

NHC

BSc (hons)

John is an award-winning hypnotherapist specialising in sleep problems.

Sonal is a nutritional therapist, health tutor, and director of Synergy Nutrition.

CAROLYNE BENNETT

KATERINA GEORGIOU

Dip MAC NLP EFT RMT

BA MA PGDip Reg MBACP

Carolyne is a meditation and mindfulness coach.

Katerina is a counsellor who supports couples and individuals.

SHAHROO IZADI

WILL LEIFER

BSc MSc MBPsS ACT

MA Adip PGDip

Sharoo is a behaviour change specialist with her own private practice.

Will is an integrative therapist working in the charity sector.

DR ELENA TOURONI

SANJIVAN PARHAR

BSc DBT CBT CAT

BSc

Elena is a consultant psychologist trained in several therapeutic approaches.

Sanjivan is a psychotherapist completing his doctorate in psychology.

RACHEL COFFEY

DR VIKKI POWELL

BA MA NLP Mstr

CPsychol AFBPsS

Rachel is a life coach encouraging confidence and motivation.

Vikki is a chartered psychologist with a special interest in sleep.

Reader offer

Find help CRISIS SUPPORT If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org

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Cover illustration

by Rosan Magar

Our two-for-one tree commitment is made of two parts. Firstly, we source all our paper from FSC® certified sources. The FSC® label guarantees that the trees harvested are replaced, or allowed to regenerate naturally. Secondly, we will ensure an additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a suitable donation to a forestry charity. Happiful is a brand of Memiah Limited.

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Competitions and prize draws!

Visit happiful.com In light of the Covid-19 social-distancing guidelines, our May issue has been brought together from the Happiful team’s home-office set-ups. Overcoming the distraction of cute Happiful pets, the temptation of WFS (work from sofa), and the unique challenges of video conference calls, we’re proud to bring you our first issue created entirely remotely. For as long as we can, we will work tirelessly to continue to offer you the print edition of Happiful, but if anything changes, we will be in touch.

For now, take care, stay safe, and enjoy the read.

Prices and benefits are correct at the time of printing. Offer expires 18 June 2020.

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RELATIONSHIPS

LGBTQ+ PDA finally comes into focus

The Uplift

Strolling hand-in-hand, puppy-love eyes, and a gentle kiss on the cheek – public displays of affection (PDA) are subtle ways to communicate our love to our partners when we’re out and about. For many LGBTQ+ people, these small acts can be shrouded in anxiety and fear – but 22-year-old Brooklynbased photographer Kadar Small is putting these tender moments front and centre in his photo series that celebrates LGBTQ+ love and affection.

The series, entitled ‘P.D.A’, features 16 queer-identifying individuals captured in candid moments of affection. The inspiration for the series came when Kadar kissed his then-boyfriend in front of a friend, who later shared that this was the first time she had seen two men kiss in public.

For Kadar, who is bisexual, anxiety about showing affection with his partner in public is something that he has first-hand experience of – noting how, even now, he tends to look around before going in for a kiss.

It’s a sentiment that Kadar found was shared among all his models, but he’s passionate about breaking down the social barriers that are preventing people from expressing themselves when they’re out, and the raw, charming photos are his first step.

“The main thing I want people to take away when they view my series is pride,” Kadar tells Happiful. “And to not be afraid to show your love. No more looking to see who’s around before you express how much you care about the individual who is in front of you.”

To view the full series, and Kadar’s other work, head to kadarsmall.com

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

MUSIC

Turn it up!

Music therapy supports stroke recovery

Spitzer the very socialable cat

PETS

Missing cat found visiting local MH patients When Helena Abraham’s cat Spritzer first started disappearing, she was at a loss to where she could be. But a tracking collar soon revealed that Spritzer was making visits to her local mental health unit at the Fairfield General Hospital, Manchester.

After picking Spritzer up from the hospital, Helena discovered that she had become a regular visitor, and could often be found hanging out with the patients in the summer, keeping them company as they sat together in the centre’s garden.

“When I realised that’s where she was going, I stopped worrying about her when she disappeared for days at a time,” Helena tells Happiful. “I knew she was in safe

hands, and I knew she was helping to make the patients happy.

“I’ve seen the patients when I’ve been to collect her in the car, and they’ve said: ‘See you tomorrow Spritzer!’ Their smiles say it all.”

The uplifting effect of animals on our mental health is welldocumented, with research conducted by Cats Protection and the Mental Health Foundation finding that 87% of people who owned a cat felt it had a positive impact on their wellbeing, while 76% said they could cope with everyday life much better thanks to the company of their feline pals.

And for the patients at Fairfield General Hospital, Spritzer is a welcome guest, and a fur-miliar friend. Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Whether you’re a Swifty or a Stones fan, there’s no denying music’s therapeutic properties. And now, new research has found that music can support stroke patients with mood regulation, concentration, and even brain function.

The two-year study, led by Dr Alex Street from Anglia Ruskin University, Cambridge, looked at the experience of 177 patients who were undertaking regular neurologic music therapy sessions.

During the sessions, patients played instruments such as keyboards and hand-held percussion – with the aim to promote hand rehabilitation, improve finger dexterity, and support cognitive training.

The music therapy sessions were taken alongside usual rehabilitation treatment, and when the experiment was over, the average ratings from those taking part were that it was ‘helpful’ or ‘very helpful’. Additionally, when assessing their moods, researchers found a reduction in ‘sad’ responses and an increase in ‘happy’ responses.

It’s something that can be easily incorporated into rehabilitation, and the news that holistic treatment can boost recovery is truly music to our ears!

Writing | Kat Nicholls

May 2020 • happiful.com • 9

CHILDREN

Study finds that kids are happier in nature If you’re looking for a way to help your kids feel more empowered, the latest research suggests there’s nothing better than time spent in the great outdoors – as a new study has revealed that children’s happiness may be closely linked to sustainable behaviours.

Researchers from the Sonora Institute of Technology, Mexico, found that children who feel more connected to nature feel happier.

While previous links have been found between adults and nature, this is the first time research has found a link for kids, too.

Nearly 300 children aged nine to 12, from north-western Mexico, were assessed across a number of categories – including altruism, equity, frugality, and pro-ecological behaviours. They were asked about their connection to nature, both in appreciating beauty, and in feeling a part of it. Finally, their happiness levels were measured using the ‘subjective happiness scale’.

Results revealed that the more connected children feel to the natural world, the more inclined they are to engage in sustainable behaviours, which lead to a greater sense of happiness.

We couldn’t think of a better reason to encourage kids to continue developing their love of the great outdoors. Let’s carry on making their lives – and the world as a whole – a much better place.

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

May 2020 • happiful.com • 11

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Embrace your inner Sherlock by solving this puzzle – it’s like a crossword, but with no clues! Impossible, you might say, but it’s all about logic.

Every letter of the alphabet is used, and is represented by a number in the grid, so each time you figure out a letter you’ll uncover more of the puzzle.

The game is afoot!

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How did you do? Search 'freebies' at shop.happiful.com to find the answers, and more!

The

wellbeing wrap Millions are taking part in Joe Wicks’ daily live PE classes

Netflix donates £1 million to BFI and UK’s Film and TV Charity Coronavirus Fund

Crocs is donating a pair of shoes to every healthcare worker in the US

Driving change

Drivers from coach company Bakers Dolphin, in Weston-super-Mare, Somerset, are retraining as ambulance drivers, to support in the fight against Covid-19. The company will also provide coaches to take key workers’ children to school, too.

Children across the UK are painting rainbows to hang in their windows in order to spread a smile to passersby. Some people have been adding encouraging messages, and notes of gratitude for delivery drivers and postal workers, too. You never know the difference a kind word can have in times like these, so pass it on.

SERVING UP GOOD DEEDS

A kind gesture can go a long way, but one mysterious Good Samaritan has decided to take things a bit further to help all inhabitants of the village of Denchworth, Oxfordshire. An anonymous man has paid for all 171 locals to have a fish and chip takeaway dinner, provided by The Fox Inn, every Friday for three weeks during the lockdown.

Icons | shutterstock.com, Font Awesome: fontawesome.com

IN YOUR CORNER

Patrick Stewart is reading a sonnet a day online to pick up people’s spirits

The RSPB has started breakfast birdwatches, weekdays 8–9am

More than £5,000 worth of ‘coronavirus packs’ have been given to elderly people in need, thanks to a corner shop in Edinburgh. Zahid Iqbal, who runs the Day-Today store, gave out 550 of his survival packs in a day – which included one toilet roll, anti-bac handwash, one pack of tissues, and a packet of paracetamol – after his kind gesture went viral online.

BATTERSEA DOGS AND CATS HOME HAS REPORTED A SURGE IN APPLICATIONS TO FOSTER ANIMALS. A SIMILAR TREND HAS BEEN SEEN IN OTHER COUNTRIES, TOO, AS PEOPLE OPEN THEIR HOMES TO ANIMALS IN NEED.

GAME TIME

Clap for our Carers

The UK paused for a moment of gratitude at 8pm on Thursday 26 March, as thousands of people took to their doorsteps to join in a round of applause for NHS workers.

Best foot forward

Brighton and Hove Albion FC have started a campaign calling on clubs in the Premier League to give away 100,000 free tickets as a thank you to NHS staff. Though we can’t know when things will get back to normal, the gesture looks to give the incredible people working on the front-line something to look forward to.

Home is where the heart is

Airbnb are partnering with their hosts across the UK to ensure 100,000 healthcare workers and first responders can have free, convenient, and comfortable places to stay during this crisis, so they can get some respite and still be near their patients.

One story sure to bring a smile to your face involves residents of a Bryn Celyn Care Home, in Maesteg, Wales, giving a children’s favourite board game a 21st Century twist. To give elderly residents some excitement during isolation, the home decided to host a life-size version of Hungry Hippos! Residents tried to grab as many ball-pit balls as possible, using baskets attached to poles, while being pushed in wheelchairs. A video of the game in action has gone viral online, and shows both residents and carers enjoying some light relief in this difficult time – perhaps a sign we can all get innovative with our entertainment.

What is

skin positivty?

There’s a growing social movement that’s championing skin in all its blemished nakedness. It’s encouraging people to rethink and cut out the shame that can come from having less-than-perfect skin Writing | Becky Wright

I

n a social media-driven world that prioritises perfection on screen, many of us can feel pressured to hold ourselves to conventional beauty standards. Thanks to the powers that be – makeup, lighting and photo-editing tools – it’s possible to erase any visible sign of ‘imperfection’.

However, for people struggling with skin conditions, this culture leaves little room for their sense of selfworth. It can, understandably, affect the way you feel about how you look.

THE LINK BETWEEN APPEARANCE AND MENTAL HEALTH Each year, 13 million people in the UK visit their GP with a skin complaint. Yet, despite the huge number of people affected, there’s a culture of shame around skin conditions, particularly acne.

Although teenagers can (and do) face stigma of their own, there are different social factors at play when you have skin problems later in life.

The impact on our wellbeing is vastly underestimated. In a recent survey by the British Skin Foundation, nine out of 10 dermatologists agreed that not enough importance is placed on the psychological effects of skin conditions.

14 • happiful.com • May 2020

However, thanks to a growing social media movement, there’s an alternative outlet that can help you to feel comfortable and confident in your own skin. Step forward skin positivity.

The movement took off in 2015 when vlogger Em Ford posted a video called You Look Disgusting online. It revealed all the daily trolling comments she received about her acne. Five years later, the video has had more than 32 million views.

The movement has gained so much traction that it’s now going beyond acne. It’s sticking two fingers up to the stigma, abuse, and embarrassment that can stem from a myriad of skin conditions – rosacea, eczema and dermatitis, to name a few.

To find out more, I spoke to Sarah Perkins, a skin positivity vlogger and creator of Skinstory – a journal that helps you to track patterns between your skin, and potential triggers.

“It’s almost impossible to go through life without experiencing some form of skin condition,” says Sarah. “And, thanks to the shame that comes with a visible skin condition, it’s more than just a physical condition. It affects

your emotional wellbeing and confidence, too.

“Social media plays a huge part in this movement, and the more people that post their bare-faced selfies, the wider this message is spread.” And it really is a growing movement – at the time of writing, there are more than 50,000 posts tagged with #skinpositivity on Instagram.

MORE THAN A HASHTAG Scrolling through these posts, I’m blown away by the amount of support that’s present. It’s more than just a hashtag, it’s a community. “Social media allows you to connect with others going through a similar time with their skin,” says Sarah. “It’s taught me that my old insecurities about my skin are shared by so many.”

One frequent topic in the captions and comments is acne medication.

It seems that this is also a place for people to learn from one another.

When I ask Sarah about this, she tells me that, for a while, there seemed to be two camps: those who only believed in the natural approach, and those that went for medication. There was something of a divide in the community.

Image | Instagram @ Brielamour89

#SkinPositivity Feel inspired by following: Skin positivity artist Brie Lamour  @BrieLamour89 (pictured)

“But, from speaking to thousands of others online, it’s clear that no two people have the same experience with their skin. And, for me, a combination of the two (and a serious dose of self-love) has been a game-changer,” says Sarah.

I think that’s the crux of the movement: self-love. Skin positivity isn’t about changing the appearance of your skin, it’s about changing the way you see your skin. Because your happiness shouldn’t rely on how good your skin is looking each day.

This isn’t a movement reserved for the realms of social media, though.

Nor is it solely for people living with skin conditions. “To me, skin

positivity is for anyone. Our attitude towards others with skin conditions needs to change, and that can be done by everyone,” says Sarah.

Perhaps the biggest influencer of skin positivity is the beauty industry – brands that can choose imagery showing ‘real’, unedited skin. Certainly, in the last few years, real skin has become more visible in advertising campaigns.

Brands such as Urban Decay and ASOS have committed to using unretouched images to promote their products and, this year, Mattel unveiled a new Barbie doll with vitiligo, in a bid to broaden the diversity of its range. But there’s still a long way to go.

Skin positivity vlogger Sarah Perkins (quoted):  @Sarah_Skinstory Mindset expert Lea Alexandra:  @SkinWithLea Until the rest of the world catches up with these trailblazers, the onus is on us to champion examples of skin positivity. So, try to buy from brands that promote diversity, and call-out those that aren’t doing enough.

And, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt from this movement that I want you to take away, it’s this: to love yourself, no matter what your skin is doing today. The most important thing is that your self-worth is not at the mercy of your skin.

May 2020 • happiful.com • 15

Sleep scenarios and how to put them to rest

Poor sleep can feel like a recurring nightmare. A bad night’s sleep leads to a muffled mindset, which leads to problems during the day, which leads to another bad night’s sleep. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Here, we work our way through common sleep scenarios and, with help from experts, shine the light on some solutions Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

16 • happiful.com • May 2020

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

E

very night in the UK, 22% of people have trouble falling asleep. Nightmare, right?

When we struggle to sleep, the impact trickles out into the rest of our lives. It can affect our performance at work, our diet, and our relationships with others.

The underhand shot is that our diet and lifestyle can also be the reason we’re not dropping off at night, and we can quickly find ourselves in a never-ending downward spiral.

So how can we break free? With help from a counsellor and a nutritionist, we play out some of the most common sleep problem scenarios, and look at how to address them.

When a lack of sleep starts to affect your mental health The scene…

You feel fatigued and lethargic, even the small things in your daily routine feel like monstrous, energy-sucking quests. And when things feel that difficult, it’s easy to let them fall by the wayside.

You struggle to concentrate when you’re at work, and your to-do list builds up to an overwhelming level. Recalling things that happened even yesterday becomes hard, and you start to notice that you’re forgetting more than you normally would. You’re irritable with your colleagues, friends, and family – you’re at the end of your tether. When you do finally get round to doing the things that you enjoy, you can’t engage as you would do normally. You feel anxious and hopeless.

The next act…

This scene is all too familiar to counsellor and psychologist Dr Vikki Powell, and to the 16 million adults in the UK who report sleep problems. On Vikki’s advice, for many the first step to addressing these problems is to go back to basics. “The most effective step is to start a regular routine around sleep,” she explains. “This involves not only having a regular bedtime and wake time that you maintain throughout the week (including weekends), but also having a regular wind-down routine too.”

16 million adults in the UK report sleep problems As Vikki sees it, this routine should involve time away from screens and tech, and you should try not to arouse the brain too much, or do any strenuous physical activity. But rather than listing the things you can’t do, look at this time as an opportunity to indulge in some relaxing activities you genuinely enjoy.

You could rediscover a love of reading, journaling, or crafting.

Or now could be the time to

La petite mort In English: ‘The little death’.

It sounds a bit morbid, but it’s the French expression to describe the sleepy feeling we experience post-orgasm. Sex boosts oxytocin (the happy hormone) and reduces cortisol (the stress hormone). Orgasms also release prolactin, the hormone responsible for the sleepiness. So, if you’re finding yourself tossing and turning in your sheets, it could be an idea to get busy between them.

practise light yoga, meditation, or another mindfulness activity – sex is also on the cards. Make this time sacred and special, dedicated to winding down, and something that you can look forward to at the end of the day. >>>

May 2020 • happiful.com • 17

When your mental health keeps you up at night

Eat your way to a better night’s sleep The food we eat in the day can have a soothing effect on our sleep. To tap into this, Sonal Shah suggests trying: • Cherries. They contain natural melatonin, especially tart cherries or tart cherry juice.

• Walnuts. The amino acid called tryptophan is the precursor to serotonin.

• Herbal teas. Chamomile, lemon balm, lavender, passionflower, valerian root, and ginger teas have a calming, sedative effect.

• A handful of almonds or sunflower seeds. They contain magnesium, which can help sleep.

18 • happiful.com • May 2020

The scene…

You’ve had a bad day. In fact, it’s been a bad week – scratch that, maybe even a bad month.

It feels like a million different thoughts are rushing around your head, knocking into, and interlocking with, each other. The moment your head hits the pillow, you start inadvertently working your way through everything that has been worrying you throughout the day – like a showreel of your lowest moments.

It comes to the point where you begin to dread this time of night, and so stay up later and later, filling your evening with distractions. You wake up physically and mentally exhausted – it’s a vicious cycle.

The next act...

The reassuring thing is, you’re not alone. Periods of poor sleep are very normal and will affect most of us at some point.

“This is often related to a trigger event such as illness, stress, change of environment, and extra demands or responsibilities,” Vikki explains. “When the trigger event

or period subsides, so should the insomnia. Worrying about not sleeping, and adopting unhelpful strategies for coping with poor sleep, become the problem – and this perpetuates insomnia.”

It’s easier said than done, but the first step is to take a look at the potential triggers.

You may not be able to do anything about them instantly – for example, if you are going through a stressful life change – and it may be the case that counselling, or further professional support, is needed, but being able to recognise your triggers will be the first step to controlling them. Vikki also recommends keeping a worry journal, or to-do list, to throw down the things in your head before you go to sleep, meaning you can move them out of your head and on to the paper, leaving room for more positive, relaxing thoughts to send you off to sleep.

The first step to treating insomnia is to take a look at the potential triggers When sleep affects your diet The scene…

You wake up in the morning with a headache, feeling exhausted. You force yourself into the kitchen to make the first of many coffees that day. You didn’t get much sleep last night, and you feel ravenous, and crave sugary foods. Throughout

the day you snack between meals, and have another coffee in the afternoon. To wind down after work, you have a couple of glasses of wine. You feel tired, but when you go to bed you find you’re restless, and you wake up several times in the night.

The next act…

The relationship between food and sleep is often neglected. But, according to nutritional therapist Sonal Shah, it’s one that we must start paying more attention to.

“There is a strong link between lack of sleep and more hunger,” Sonal explains. “The hunger hormone ghrelin is stimulated, which means you feel like you want to eat more the following day – and often the foods craved are simple carbohydrates, or junk food, that

provides quick energy to the body and mind.”

So a good night’s sleep can help us manage our hunger cycle, but how can what we’re eating help with getting the sleep in the first place? The first tip any nutritionist will give you is – you’ve already guessed it – cutting the caffeine.

We’ve all been told it before, but to really drive the point home, Sonal highlights how caffeine stays in the body for between six and 10 hours – meaning you should cut yourself off from 2pm. Alcohol and sugary snacks can also lead to disturbed sleep. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with treating yourself every now and then, but these tips are worth keeping in mind while you’re working towards healthier routines.

Curtain call You’ve had a long day.

It’s been a busy one, but you feel proud of yourself for getting through the essentials on your to-do list. The sun has set outside, and everything has started to get quieter.

You walk into your dimly lit bedroom, change into fresh pyjamas, and spend half an hour on a hobby you’ve been looking forward to all day. You slowly sip on a mug of warm herbal tea. Your eyes are starting to feel droopy, so you slip in between the sheets and turn off the light.

Your head sinks into the pillow followed by your neck, your

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shoulders, your spine, your hips, your knees, and finally your heels.

You take deep, slow breaths and gently let your mind ponder on the things that brought you joy that day. Without stress or urgency, you slowly drift off into a deep, calm, rejuvenating sleep.

A good night’s sleep won’t come easily to all of us, but it’s not a pipe dream. With deliberate steps, we can find our balance, and bid tossing and turning goodnight.

Now, that’s what dreams are really made of.

May 2020 • happiful.com • 19

Science-backed methods to send you to sleep in minutes One in three Brits have trouble getting to sleep at night.

Are you one of the unlucky third? If so, we have the solution Writing | Emma Shearer

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e all experience nights where our minds are whirring, and we just can’t seem to fall asleep. “Did I attach that document to the email?”, “Why didn’t I speak up in that meeting?”, or “How am I going to manage my debt?” Constant worrying at night can have a serious impact on our health and cause us to underperform the next day. If you find yourself lying wide awake and worrying about the world, one, or all, of the following suggestions could help you to fall asleep quicker than you can say “lights out!”

LIGHT A CANDLE Helping to create that relaxing atmosphere, lighting a scented candle could be ideal for setting the mood for sleep. And particular scents have been found to be more effective, with spiced apple scent proven to lower systolic blood pressure, according to Dr Gary Schwartz at Yale University. When your blood pressure is lower, you’ll naturally be more relaxed, which will help you to drop off quicker. A word of caution though: remember to blow out the candles before you close your eyes.

READ A BOOK Reading for just six minutes before turning off the light can work

20 • happiful.com • May 2020

Artwork | Charlotte Reynell

wonders. Based on a 2009 study conducted by the University of Sussex, reading can also reduce stress levels by nearly 70%. What’s more, a good book is a form of escapism, which should help to relax your natural energy, and help you to drift off.

Dr David Lewis, who organised the study, says it doesn’t really matter what type of book you read, as long as you can thoroughly lose yourself in the engrossing storyline. This will allow you to forget the worries and stresses of the day that’s gone. A favourite trick with the Happiful team, we can vouch for its effectiveness.

BATHE BEFORE BED Science says that just before we fall asleep our body temperature drops. By having a warm bath, you’ll quickly raise your body temperature. When you get out of the bath, your temperature will rapidly fall. By prompting your body to drop in temperature – the process that happens naturally inside your body before sleep – it could help you to fall asleep in minutes. A study suggests that those who have a warm bath (or shower) before bed are not only more likely to fall asleep quicker, but will also have a better night’s sleep, too.

WARM YOUR PAWS! A study released by the Swiss journal Nurture suggests that “warm feet promote the rapid onset of sleep”.

Don’t believe us? Wear a pair of socks or have a hot water bottle at the bottom of your bed. Warming your feet will cause your blood vessels to widen (vasodilatation is the fancy term), which allows more heat to escape through your feet, and therefore cools your core temperature down and reduces your blood pressure. So, put a pair of fluffy socks on your next shopping list if you’re struggling to get some shut-eye.

CUT THE CAFFEINE It’s a well-known fact that that caffeine keeps us awake if we consume too much before bedtime.

According to Sleep Education, caffeine will reach its peak level within 30–60 minutes of entering your bloodstream. It’s suggested that caffeine has a half-life of three to five hours. This means that within that time the amount of caffeine in your system will decrease to half the initial amount. So, if you’re aiming to get to sleep by 11pm, maybe move on to herbal tea after midday – it’s much better for you anyway. Plus, think of the cash you’ll be saving by no longer stopping at the cafe to purchase that afternoon coffee kick.

PLAY SOME CLASSICAL MUSIC A study conducted by psychologist Laszlo Harmat investigated the effects of music on young people with sleep disorders. The study comprised three groups and participants either listened to classical music, an audiobook, or nothing at all. Harmat found that “relaxing classical music is an effective intervention in reducing sleep problems,” whereas sleep quality did not improve for either the audiobook group or those without aural aids. Other research suggests that music with a slow rhythm can help you nod off, so maybe avoid Beethoven’s ‘Ode to Joy’ as you change into your jammies.

EXERCISE Evidence suggests that moderately intensive aerobic exercise can reduce the time it takes to fall asleep, and can increase the length of sleep in people with chronic insomnia. Maybe a brisk walk in the evenings will help? But be mindful – overexerting yourself immediately before bed can have the opposite effect, so perhaps keep the HIIT sessions for earlier in the day.

PARADOXICAL INTENTION This is the idea that by telling yourself to stay awake, you can ‘trick’ yourself into falling asleep faster. Sometimes when we are struggling to sleep, actively trying to sleep increases our anxiety, and makes it even harder to switch off.

The Society of Clinical Psychology suggests that by reframing the situation to try to stay awake for as long as possible, the performance anxiety relating to not being able to sleep will reduce, enabling you to fall asleep more quickly.

May 2020 • happiful.com • 21

Reignite your passion for work...wit h G race

This month, our columnist Grace Victory gets candid about feeling vulnerable and lost in her career. For anyone feeling the same way, she shares her insight to help guide you back on course…

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s a little girl I always knew what I wanted to be – ‘someone’.

I wanted my everyday existence to be full of glitz, glam, and the the thrill that being on stage or in front of a camera gave me. I wanted to feel like I was making a difference in the world, because in my childhood I often felt the opposite.

So, I worked hard. Extremely hard. And from the age of 10 I was making money, and enjoying the process of creating a life for myself. I knew exactly what I wanted, so I worked on making it my reality. I had a burning feeling inside me, telling me that I needed to escape my hometown to chase my dreams – and I dreamed big.

My career has always been my thing, which is a positive and a negative. On the one hand it kept me focused, taught me discipline, and allowed me to grow in confidence and ability. But it also enabled me to base my self-worth on my career, and choose working over pretty much everything else.

In 2017, I released my debut book No Filter. I had eight book offers from various publishers with decent advances, and my ego was being well and truly stroked –

22 • happiful.com • May 2020

honesty is the best policy. People in the industry were excited, I was excited, and then the sales figures came in and the book, in my words, “had bombed”.

I was devastated.

I felt my desire to create a Sunday Times best-seller with 50,000+ copies had been the driving force behind the entire process of creating the book. I constantly felt like I wasn’t enough, and when it finally came out, I felt like such a failure.

After No Filter, my confidence plummeted, and I began to question my purpose. Suddenly at 27, I had no idea what I wanted, and it was scary.

I had hit a brick wall, and up until very recently I couldn’t see a way out. I was bored, unmotivated, and uninspired. Would a 9–5 bring me more contentment? Should I just get rid of all my possessions, move away, and live in a hut?

At the beginning of my ‘career breakdown’, I resisted the shame and confusion. I didn’t want to

feel those difficult feelings, so I pretended everything was great – and that added to my dread. I cried every week, I moaned about it, I screamed about it, and eventually I got myself into a really negative headspace about the entire thing.

But while I was wallowing in my sadness, this showed me I did know what I wanted, I was just scared of it. Scared of the change, scared of this new direction, scared I was going to fail, scared because I needed to make big decisions.

So I stopped resisting and found comfort in my truth of ‘I don’t really know what’s next for me, so I’m enjoying the ride until the lightbulb moment happens.’

And of course, the lightbulb did happen. It just took patience.

From 2017 to 2019 I felt like a lost puppy. I tried a podcast, which didn’t go as planned. I changed my blog content, which over time became boring, and I even tried a guest radio show on BBC5 LIVE, which I ended up hating. From the outside I may have looked all over

I knew exactly what I wanted, so I worked on making it my reality

@GRACEFVICTORY friendships and make new ones, volunteer, pick up a book, start a new exercise class. Remember you are so much more than a job.

WRITE A LIST OF THINGS YOU ENJOY AND WHY I like tangible and practical steps to get myself back into alignment, and while I believe in surrendering, I also believe in lists and figuring things out. Sometimes we’ve forgotten what we enjoy doing, or what we enjoy has now changed.

Everyone has something they love, even if they haven’t found it yet.

Photography | JKG PHOTOGRAPHY

share, in case any of you can relate to a career rut, and need a little support in finding your way again.

the place, and internally that’s how I felt, too, but looking back, what is so wrong with trying new things?

What’s so wrong with not knowing what you want to do?

Then one day last August, I woke up and had a million and one ideas of what I wanted to do for 2020. It was as if during the night my higher self had decided on my future. Creative flow started pouring out of me, and the Grace I knew was back.

I’ve learnt so much from failure and confusion, so I thought I’d

IT’S NORMAL TO FEEL LOST With age, experience, and personal development, we change internally, and with that brings external change. It’s perfectly normal to feel lost and confused at times. It’s only taboo and lonely because people are too proud to talk about it. Embrace being offtrack, and look for the lessons and blessings in it.

WAIT IT OUT Being lost is the only way to be found, and it won’t last forever.

FIND LIFE IN OTHER THINGS If, like me, your self-worth and identity is deeply rooted in your career, it’s so important to find life in other things. Give energy to a new hobby, nurture old

REMAIN HOPEFUL Believe in your journey and life plan. Sometimes the things that don’t make sense now, will make sense in a few months, or a few years. Keep your faith.

STRATEGY PLAN There will be a time where your lightbulb moments happen, and you’re suddenly up at 2am because you’re too excited to sleep. You have ideas swirling around in your head, and your dreams are suddenly so big they’re scaring you. This is the perfect time to jot everything down and make a plan. Speak to your boss, a coach, or Google ‘how to make a strategy plan’. Putting pen to paper will give you clarity and focus, so you know what you’re working towards.

Love Grace x May 2020 • happiful.com • 23

HAPPIFUL TOP 10

May

Make the month of May about prioritising you. Discover the app that helps improve your sleep cycle, take part in uplifting home workouts, and get involved in the week dedicated to mental health

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PUT ON A SHOW TED Talks

TED is a nonprofit organisation devoted to spreading ideas through short, powerful talks. One of our personal favourites is ‘Where joy hides and how to find it’ by designer and writer Ingrid Fetell Lee. The perfect way to find positivity from the comfort of your own home.

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PAGE-TURNERS Be Your Own Best Friend: The Glorious Truths of Being Female

(Watch all talks on ted.com)

Feel-good guru Chessie King shares her secrets to loving yourself in her new book! Be Your Own Best Friend: The Glorious Truths of Being Female will help you strengthen your relationship with your body, your brain, and those around you.

(Out 28 May, Thorsons, £14.99)

OUT AND ABOUT Vision Boarding

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What are your dreams for the future? Vision boards can be a great way to set out your goals and remind you of who you want to be. All you need is glue, scissors, some magazines, and anything else you would like for inspiration and decoration!

(Download our free vision board craft kit at shop.happiful.com)

4

TECH TIP-OFFS Sleep Cycle – Sleep Better

Improve your sleep cycle and wake up feeling well-rested. Set a half-an-hour slot for your wakeup time, and the Sleep Cycle alarm will wake you up while you are in a light sleep to help you feel refreshed and ready to take on the day.

(Download from the App Store and Google Play)

5

PLUGGED-IN Special Books by Special Kids

Special Books by Special Kids aims to create a more accepting world with each video. Founder Chris Ulmer travels the world to interview people with a range of diagnoses and backgrounds, to teach us all about inclusion.

(Follow Special Books by Special Kids on Facebook)

6

LEND US YOUR EARS Is This Working?

Does your workplace keep up with the times, or are you stuck in the Stone Age? Journalist Anna Codrea-Rado and writer Tiffany Philippou explore how we can make work better for everyone by tackling topics like mental health, productivity, and office culture.

(Listen to the podcast on iTunes and Spotify)

7

SQUARE EYES The Great Celebrity Bake Off for SU2C

Watch your favourite celebrities cook up a storm on The Great Celebrity Bake Off. Paul and Prue judge the creations of celebrities including Louis Theroux and Alex Jones. The series is in aid of Stand Up To Cancer, so you can support a worthy cause while you watch. That’s the icing on the cake!

(Available on All 4)

SU2C | standuptocancer.org.uk

8

9

THE CONVERSATION Mental Health Awareness Week

We can all work together to raise awareness of mental health, every day. Across the week, you can get involved with hundreds of events taking place around the country to promote the message of good mental health for all.

(18–24 May, get involved at mentalhealth.org.uk)

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GET GOING The Fitness Marshall Want to add some fun into your workout routine? Caleb Marshall shares upbeat dance workouts featuring guest dancers of all body types. With his sassy moves and positive vibes, The Fitness Marshall will have you smiling from ear to ear.

(Search ‘The Fitness Marshall’ on YouTube)

TREAT YOURSELF

Kind Bag Looking for a new reusable bag to take shopping? Kind Bags have been specially developed to reduce single-use plastic, and each bag is made from six recycled plastic bottles. With 12 designs to choose from, you’ll be spoilt for choice. (£10, view the full range at kindbag.co) Win a Kind Bag! For your chance to win, simply email competitions@happiful.com with your answer to the following question: How much have plastic bag sales decreased in England since the introduction of the 5p charge? a) 50% b) 70% c) 90% Competition closes 21 May. UK mainland only. Good luck!

WIN!

“

Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory – DR SEUSS

Photography | Kelli McClintock

Play it your way Five steps to creating your ultimate feel-good playlist

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Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

usic has the ability to completely transform our moods. How many times has an upbeat song come on, and suddenly your feet are tapping, you’re singing along, and the worries that were weighing you down now feel that much lighter?

A study published in PLOS One found that music has the power to significantly reduce stress levels, and we can all vouch for the way that the right song at the right time can instantly put a smile on our face.

It’s time to harness the power of music. Follow our five tips to start building your new, ultimate feel-good playlist.

A SONG FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD Whether it’s a cheesy pop song that you longed to come on at your school disco, or a track that reminds you of road-trip sing-a-longs with your family, pick a song that brings out your inner-child. Childhood is so often a time of freedom and joy, and music that takes us back can help us remember those times and embrace the simple things that once made us so happy.

A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF A PERSON Maybe it’s a song that perfectly sums up your relationship with your significant other, or one that you and a friend would sing along to at the top of your lungs. Think about a person who you care about deeply, and who you are grateful to have in your life, and choose a song that reminds you of all the happy times you have shared together.

A SONG THAT TRANSPORTS YOU TO ANOTHER PLACE Where do you feel most happy?

Bounding through the rolling countryside? Lounging on a sunny beach? Tucked up and cosy at home? Music can transport us to other times and places – a lovely reminder for when we can’t be there physically. Pick a song that captures the feeling of a happy place you have been. Maybe it’s an upbeat holiday anthem, or a slow, comforting track that reminds you of home. Find the link, and add it to the list.

A SONG YOU KNOW EVERY WORD TO There’s little more satisfying than singing along with every word in a song, from start to finish. You don’t have to be a Céline Dion to belt out a tune every now and then, and there are many wellbeing benefits

of singing, including breathing techniques and the release of happy hormones into the body. So pick an old familiar, then show us what you’ve got.

A SONG THAT GETS YOU ON THE DANCEFLOOR Is there a song that causes you to make a bee-line for the dancefloor the moment it comes on? There’s nothing like a bit of no-holdsbarred dancing to lift your mood.

You don’t have to look good, the only thing that matters is that you feel good. Feel the music, allow the joy to spread through your body, and let yourself go.

In the spotlight:

4th

The tricky fourth trimester The first three months of your new baby’s life should be full of joy and love as you begin to learn about each other. But those early weeks can also bring unexpected and challenging problems…

Writing | Jenna Farmer

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ringing a baby into the world is one of the best moments of a parent’s life, but the weeks that follow can be some of the most difficult. Despite thinking I had prepared myself, I never anticipated just how isolating, challenging, and pressuring I would find the postnatal period.

GIVING BIRTH: EXPECTATION VS REALITY Many women arrive at the hospital armed with a birth plan, only to find things swiftly change as labour progresses. Having an elective C-section (due to health reasons), I thought I’d avoid this predicament, yet what played out was very different to what I’d anticipated.

28 • happiful.com • May 2020

Since I hadn’t gone into natural labour, neither my body nor brain seemed to comprehend that my baby’s arrival was imminent.

While, luckily, my memories of my baby’s first hours are happy ones, the sense of confusion I felt when he was passed to me – and, if I’m honest, the relief I felt when the midwife then later took him back temporarily – also remains.

Mum-of-four Helen Hamston had plans to learn about hypnobirthing before her second child was born, but all that was pushed aside when her waters unexpectedly broke at 22 weeks.

After initially being told the baby had zero chance of survival, she endured constant hospital visits until 32 weeks, when she was finally induced.

My one job seemed to be to feed him and help him grow; yet, at the time, I didn’t even feel capable of that

Says Helen: “I didn’t even have any baby grows or nappies, and she didn’t have a name. She was in intensive care for several weeks, which meant I had to leave her in the hospital. Very different to coming home with a baby to show her off to her big sister, like I’d imagined. It’s only 10 years later that I realise I have PTSD from this experience.”

Parents should take comfort that it’s common to feel all kinds of different emotions when you first meet your newborn. Clinical psychologist and hypnobirthing practitioner Dr Emma Svanberg (see her website, mumologist.com) explains: “I often wonder where this story of an instant rush of love came from, because the majority of women I speak to talk about feeling a sense of responsibility towards their new baby, but that feeling of love comes much later. A third of women actually come out of birth with trauma symptoms.”

PASSING THE TEST Within minutes of a baby’s birth, they’ll undertake their first test: the Apgar score (an important check to see if they might need extra care). There’s no doubt this is vital, but it sets the tone of things to come.

After my little boy lost weight, days after being born, what ensued was daily weigh-ins, two overnight hospital admissions, and far too much Googling to get to the bottom of why he just wasn’t gaining as quickly as ‘the graph’ suggested he should. The answer? Well, there wasn’t one. And as I stare at his very prominent thigh rolls as I type this, I can reflect on how the experience initially knocked my confidence as a mother. >>>

May 2020 • happiful.com • 29

GET OUT AND ABOUT Venturing to baby classes can make the world of difference.

We love Hoop, a savvy app that shows what’s going on near you.

FIND YOUR TRIBE Apps like Peanut and Mush are great for finding local parents near you.

YOU CAN’T DO IT ALL Acknowledging how the people around you can support you doesn’t make you a bad parent!

SPEAK TO YOUR GP If your low mood persists, do seek medical advice. Help is available with things such as talking therapy or medication.

My one job seemed to be to feed him and help him grow; yet, at the time, I didn’t feel capable of that.

Not every baby grows in a uniform way, and the same goes for things like sleep and development milestones.

Cat Price, founder of organic cotton muslin brand Pattie & Co says: “My partner and I had real problems with pressure around my son’s sleep. You read books and get advice telling you what to expect at certain stages, but it just left me feeling as though we were doing something wrong, because our son just didn’t do what other babies seemed to do. It took a real toll on my mental health.”

“External markers can add a lot of pressure for parents,” explains Dr Svanberg. “Letting go of these feels difficult, but there are other ways to feel confident as a parent.”

Cat did learn to do this in time.

“Eventually we decided to just

30 • happiful.com • May 2020

accept the situation and stop trying to ‘fix it’; we were all much happier from then,” she explains.

THE ‘L’ WORD It’s important to acknowledge that the first few weeks and months can feel incredibly lonely; with some struggling to transition from a busy 9-to-5 and hectic social life, to days on end indoors with just a very tiny human for company.

Says Dr Svanberg: “As a society, we offer so little support to new parents at a time where many people live far from family. I see many women who feel a personal sense of responsibility about their feelings of loneliness.”

“I suffered extreme isolation after my daughter’s birth,” explains Helen, “which led me to creating the community website Mummy’s Gin Fund. My aim is to make sure no one feels lonely.”

It’s not just new mums who can feel alone. “Many dads struggle to bond with their baby, and experience a sense of isolation because they can’t be as fully involved with parenting as mothers,” explains Han Son Lee, founder of Daddilife, the UK’s largest online platform for dads.

The fact is, we’re all in this together – no matter what our circumstances. It’s about time we acknowledged that things don’t have to be perfect to be right, and that there’s no unilateral way of doing things. With support from each other, things run a little more smoothly. So, reach out, be there for others, and together we can make that fourth trimester that much easier.

Jenna is a freelance journalist who specialises in perinatal mental and gut health. She has Crohn’s disease, and blogs at abalancedbelly.co.uk

What is

high-functioning anxiety?

We speak to experienced anxiety experts Peter Klein, BABCP accredited cognitive behavioural psychotherapist, and psychotherapist Lesley Shearer, to find out more about high-functioning anxiety, how it affects us, and what we can do to cope...

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

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e’ve all heard of anxiety. Related to our ‘fight or flight’ response, while the emotional and physical sensations are unpleasant, it can be a normal thing to experience from time to time. However, for some of us, these feelings of worry, fear, or unease can have a much greater, lasting effect that can become overwhelming.

According to the Mental Health Foundation, generalised anxiety disorder – one of the most common forms of anxiety – is thought to affect nearly 6% of all adults in England. But what about high-functioning anxiety? And how prevalent is that?

What is high-functioning anxiety?

“High-functioning anxiety (HFA) is one of the most invisible anxiety disorders,” psychotherapist Lesley Shearer explains. “It can go on for months or years without being

diagnosed or treated, and to an individual’s friends, family, and colleagues, even themselves, the symptoms can go unnoticed.”

Many who experience HFA may try to ignore symptoms, or ‘power through’ them. It’s not until they are alone that they may ‘crash’. “The intense time they have controlling their emotions can be a drain on their energy, meaning they need prolonged periods of downtime to recuperate, or that they turn to maladaptive strategies such as drinking, drug-taking, or bingeeating as a way of coping,” says Lesley.

Cognitive behavioural psychotherapist Peter Klein explains some of the overt and covert ways HFA can present itself.

More obvious, outward signs can include being very quiet or talkative, fast movements and actions such as scanning your surroundings with fast eye movements, or overly submissive or aggressive behaviour when conflict arises.

One of the most invisible anxiety disorders, it can go on for months or years without being diagnosed or treated Easier-to-miss signs can include constantly thinking about what could go wrong and what you should do about it, struggling to be present in the moment, daydreaming, experiencing a fear of failure or being a fraud, constant planning, or cringing over your own behaviour.

Due to the ongoing stress that can be caused, Lesley explains, those who experience HFA may develop physical health problems as well. “There is more potential for people with HFA to develop physical health conditions such as cardiovascular, respiratory, >>> May 2020 • happiful.com • 31

16 seconds to de-stress

Psychotherapist Lesley shares the technique she uses with clients who experience highfunctioning anxiety: • Observe your breath. Slowly inhale through your nose, mentally counting to four.

• Gently hold your breath for a count of four.

• Release your breath for four seconds.

• Hold your breath once more, counting to four.

• Return to regular breathing.

• By repeating this four times, you can reverse stress responses into a relaxation response.

Those with HFA will typically appear successful, together, and calm, often excelling in different areas of work and life or gastrointestinal disorders due to the enduring effect of stress on the body, or as a result of the unhealthy behaviours they have employed as a way of managing their internal distress.”

Why do we experience HFA?

“People can have high-functioning anxiety due to stressful events, such as a difficult childhood, biological causes such as food insensitivities, or other reasons,” Peter explains. “High-functioning anxiety can be beneficial when growing up in a stressful environment, as it makes it easier to anticipate threats before they occur, and therefore implement measures to avoid or control perceived danger.”

While those with HFA will typically appear successful, together, and calm, often excelling in different areas of work and life, this can conflict with how they feel on the inside.

What can we do to cope with symptoms?

Just as anxiety can affect us all in different ways, so too can different ways of coping help us to varying degrees. If you’re worried that you may be experiencing high-functioning anxiety, it’s important to seek help and support. Trying different methods

of coping with how you are feeling is key; the first method you try may not be quite right for you and your situation, but by exploring your other options, you’re more likely to find the best way for you.

“Often people will try to choose the ‘rather safe than sorry’ approach,” Peter warns. “This means that they will try to avoid things that they perceive as threatening. The problem here is that anxiety can make certain things appear as a threat even though they aren’t. It’s therefore important to recount in a more calm state of mind, where and when this applies.

“The next step is to plan how to adjust behaviour in a way that indicates that there is no threat.

For example, an employee who avoids eye contact during meetings with their boss can readjust their gaze. This can initially be scary, but the fear subsides after time, as the mind starts to learn that a ‘rather safe than sorry’ approach is not necessary.

“It’s important to generally embrace symptoms a little more, without trying to lessen them.

People avoid anxiety symptoms by checking social media or the news on their phones. Behaviour geared towards avoiding

symptoms can make them worse, as the brain recognises this behaviour as an indicator of threat – meaning we run the risk of developing anxiety over anxiety.”

Raising your awareness of your physical feelings of anxiety and accompanying thoughts can help you to stop when the symptoms begin, and learn how to intercept the cycle of anxiety. The STOP technique is just one option that can help you to break the cycle.

Lesley explains: “Your body is the compass with anxiety, so learn to pay attention to it. Notice if the feeling isn’t so good. Shift the focus of that attention to your thoughts.

Ask: what am I thinking right now? Does it feel good to think the things I’m thinking?

“If you notice it doesn’t feel good, even if you believe them, say the magic word STOP. Imagine swatting the thoughts away like a pesky little fly. Now, mentally shift your focus to slowing your breath down. Take three long, slow, deep breaths.

Focus your attention on all of the sounds in the room or your immediate surroundings. Anchor yourself in sound.”

Over time, anxiety can eventually become worse if your stressors keep building, or if you struggle to reach out and talk to others about what you are struggling with, and how you are feeling. Working with a counsellor can help you to understand the root causes of your anxiety, as well as to learn coping techniques. To find out more about how working with a therapist could help you, visit counselling-directory.org.uk

May 2020 • happiful.com • 33

Self-care quiz Answer the following questions to reveal the self-care activities you should try today…

Q1. What sounds like your perfect Sunday?

A. Baking up a storm in the kitchen

B. A long bike ride through the countryside

C. M aking the house tidy and prepped for the week

D. Facetiming with your family

E. Chilling on the sofa, binge-watching Netflix Q2. What makes you feel most energised?

A. Creating something from scratch

B. Working up a sweat

C. Fresh bedsheets

D. Speaking with friends

E. A good night’s sleep Q3. When you’ve had a bad day, what do you most want to do when you get home?

A. Write in your diary

B. Do an exercise class

C. Deep-clean the kitchen

D. Play with your pet

E. Meditate Q4. What do you want most right now?

A. To cook

B. A run

C. A clear inbox

D. A hug

E. Your bed Q5. What would your ultimate holiday entail?

A. A chance to sit outside and paint or write

B. Adrenaline-fuelled activities – cycling, canoeing, exploring

C. A well-balanced schedule

D. S pending time with the whole family

E. Lying on a beach, reading a book

34 • happiful.com • May 2020

Q6. Where would you most like to visit if you could?

A. Art museum

B. The gym

C. DIY store

D. Your nan’s house

E. A spa Q7. What do you want more of in your life?

A. Time to write

B. Time to practise yoga

C. A decluttered home

D. Laughter with loved ones

E. Time to pause and reflect

Mostly As - Creativity Releasing some creative energy can be a great way to unwind. Activities such as gardening, sewing, and drawing have been shown to release dopamine, the ‘feel-good’ hormone, and many outlets allow us to practise mindfulness, and connect with the moment.

Perhaps you could try painting, writing, crafting, crochet, or cooking today?

Mostly Bs - Exercise There’s no denying our minds and bodies are connected, and taking care of one has an impact on the other. Exercise releases endorphins – a natural anti-anxiety treatment.

It can help to ease tension and boost your mood – and there are lots of free online videos to do at home if you need some inspiration.

Mostly Cs - Organisation Getting on top of our to-do list might not spring to mind when you think of self-care, but getting organised and decluttering can help you to feel more in control, reducing stress, and helping us to feel less overwhelmed. A tidy home can help to clear your mind as well, so perhaps get through that washing piling up, do the hoovering, change that lightbulb, and clear out the junk draw.

Mostly Ds - Social support Knowing we’re not on our own, and loved ones are there to support us, has been shown to reduce feelings of depression, and improve mood. Even if you can’t spend time with those you love in person, there are a multitude of ways to connect using social media, FaceTime, Skype, and Zoom.

Mostly Es - Rest Sometimes what your body needs is a chance to slow down, rest, and recover. Have an early night, snooze that alarm, take a long bath, read, or do some breathing exercises. Taking time to meditate could do wonders for you as it’s proven to reduce stress and anxiety, and helps to improve your sleep, and even your ability to control pain responses.

May 2020 • happiful.com • 35

“

Let us make our future now, and let us make our dreams tomorrow's reality – MALALA YOUSAFZAI

Photography | Gabriel Baranski

TRUE LIFE

Salvation song Depression, the breakdown of his marriage, bereavement, and serious illnesses brought singer Kule T’s glittering showbiz world crashing down. But it would be the love of music that got him back on the road to recovery Writing | Kule T

I

was born in south London, and grew up with my three siblings and my mother. Life was hard, and my mother had to work every day, so my older sister took on the burden of looking after us. As the youngest, and the most creative, I quickly latched on to music as a way to express myself. There was always music in the house, with one brother listening to reggae, the other listening to jazz, my mum listening to her Jim Reeves and Bob Marley collection, and me listening to gospel.

At the age of 12, I started playing the drums. I remember my older brother showing me a drum pattern and I kept on practising every day until I mastered it. By 14, I was playing drums in my local

church, as well as guitar and bass guitar. These became my outlets for dealing with life.

At 17, I started singing to express my feelings and emotions, and also as a healing mechanism. I met other singers and saw how they were able to capture an audience with just their voice, and I was hooked.

So, I began singing wherever I could, and formed an a cappella group called Spirit with my close friends Carl St Hill, Christopher, and Conner Reeves. We ended up becoming like family.

But in 1988 my dear friend Christopher, who had been ill for some time, collapsed and died from a heart attack on the street. I remember bursting into tears, and feeling so empty. But I

had to try to hold it all in, because I had to break the news to other people. That was the hardest thing I have ever done.

Two years passed, and I kept up my singing and managed to deal with the passing of Chris. But then another member of Spirit, Carl, was rushed to hospital with a damaged foot. I thought he would be OK, but two weeks later he was dead. An infection had spread through his body from his injured toe. I tried to hold it all together but I found this incredibly hard, and I had to find a way of shutting it into a box in my brain.

As time passed, music became my lifeline. I sang wherever I could, and I became the backing vocalist for an open mic

talent night. I would coach other singers and help them with their performances.

My professional musical journey started when I became a member of a band called MN8. We gelled so well, and we all had one goal, to be the best – and with time, our work paid off.

In 1995 we released our first single, ‘I’ve Got A Little Something For You’, which became a massive hit. Our success continued with three top 10 singles in the UK and Europe, a number one slot in the UK R&B charts, a gold album in France, our single in the soundtrack of the film Bad Boys, and a tour with Janet Jackson. I felt like the luckiest person on earth, although we worked hard to get there. >>> May 2020 • happiful.com • 37

There were times when I looked at myself in the mirror and I didn’t know the person who was looking back

In 2000 we decided to go our separate ways to pursue other things. I took a step back from music.

I’m not sure why, but I think that the musical part of me just stopped.

I was young and didn’t know how to handle the music industry. You see, no one could prepare you for what comes with success. What do you do after everyone knows you for being in a famous band? How do you cope with normal life? So, I had to find a way.

I got married and had a wonderful daughter, but as time passed, I missed who I was, what I loved, and what made me feel alive – being creative in music.

38 • happiful.com • May 2020

I became lost, and a feeling of depression came over me. There were times when I looked at myself in the mirror and I didn’t know the person who was looking back – it was just a face, empty and lost. Other times I would stare at the ceiling all day without moving. When I did

manage to move, it would just be on autopilot.

In November 2016 I was taken to hospital, because my leg had swollen up like a balloon. I had lost all sensation and the pain was unbearable. The doctors suspected a blood clot in my leg, which was moving upwards. I spent

a couple of weeks in hospital, and it took four more weeks to get out and about on crutches.

I kept smiling, though, because I didn’t want my daughter to worry about me. But life was not good and I felt so low inside.

In 2018 my marriage broke down and I moved out, because I didn’t want us to be arguing in front of our daughter. On Christmas Day of that year, I fell ill. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but I managed to crawl down the stairs, unable to open my eyes properly. My flatmates found me and called an ambulance.

I ended up staying in hospital for two weeks.

The doctors suspected that I may have had a bleed on the brain. After a lumbar puncture, I lost the ability to walk, and was back on crutches again.

I recovered in a month, but after the

I had to find a way to channel all of this hurt, and not hold it all inside

blood clot, depression, marriage break down, and suspected bleed on the brain, I decided that this was too much for me and I had to find a way to channel all of this hurt, and not hold it all inside.

So, I decided to challenge myself to write three songs and play them to different people. If I didn’t do this, then I would give up music indefinitely and find another way to deal with how I felt. But, to my surprise, the people really liked what they heard.

And this was where my

recovery began…

So, you could say that me going back to music, something that I had always done as a child, has kept me sane. Now, as part of my healing process, I write about how I feel – the good and bad – and also channel my songwriting to help me not injure myself or my mind.

I also realise that I lacked belief in my ability as a singer, songwriter, and producer. I never really got the chance to show the world – and me – what I

was capable of, and my daughter never knew that part of me, either.

Now I go to the gym to make sure I never set foot in a hospital again. I look after myself the best way I know how, keep myself focused on my goals, so that one day my baby girl can say: ‘That’s my daddy on the TV! I love you daddy.’

You must find your focus, and no matter what life throws at you – the good and the ugly – stick to what you know and what you believe in, and the universe will find a way to give it to you.

To hear more from Kule T and his music, visit kule-tmusic.com, and follow him on Instagram @kule_t_mn8

OUR EXPERT SAYS Kule certainly faced his fair share of challenges. It’s true to say that each and every one of of us will experience the effects of unexpected events in our lives. The question is, how do we cope?

Although it can feel as though we are lost in these times, the truth is the answer lies within us. For Kule, it’s music that allows him to be creative and connect.

We may not always be able to control the events happening around us, but we can have a positively impact on ourselves and others by following our passions, and ultimately realising our dreams.

Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach

May 2020 • happiful.com • 39

Ask the experts Hypnotherapist John McKenzie answers your questions on how hypnotherapy can help you sleep Read more about John on hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk

Q

I’m finding it hard to drop off and fall asleep at the moment, and it’s really affecting my mood. Is this something hypnotherapy can help with?

A

We should all be aiming for eight hours of sleep a night, and for some people, losing as little as one hour a

Q

I’ve heard some friends talking about selfhypnosis for sleep.

What is this, and how can I get started?

A

Self-hypnosis is the same state as hypnotherapistled hypnosis. The only difference is that instead of

night can affect our mood and physical health. The effects of not getting enough sleep can creep up on us, and we can easily lose sight of how much we’ve been affected by it.

The good news is that hypnotherapy is really wellplaced to help with sleep issues. It can help with the anxiety that sleep problems often cause, by both

deepening and improving your quality of sleep.

When you see a hypnotherapist, they’ll talk to you, and lead you into a very natural state of relaxation.

Some people find their minds wander, while others are deeply focused. Both of these responses are stepping stones to getting in touch with your natural ability to sleep.

someone else helping you into that relaxed state, you lead yourself.

Self-hypnosis for sleep can be learned in a number of different ways. There are apps, recordings, and, of course, you can go to a hypnotherapist to learn the technique. Effectively, though, they’re all based on the same idea.

You’ll be taught a simple sequence – such as counting back from 10 to zero, or imagining walking down a set of steps. At the same time, you’ll learn to associate going through the sequence with increasing relaxation and restfulness. After some time, you will learn how to do this by yourself. When this happens, it’s true self-hypnosis.

Hypnotherapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

Hypnotherapist John’s top tips for a good night’s sleep: 1. Aim for a consistent eight hours a night, but don’t worry overly if you fall short one night.

Judge your quality of sleep by how refreshed you feel, rather than anything your fitness tracker says.

2. Keep a consistent bedtime routine. Go to bed and get up at the same time every day, and don’t try to bank sleep with lie-ins. Not only does this not work, it disturbs your sleep pattern for the following night, making things worse.

3. Don’t use alcohol to try to send yourself off, and don’t spend time before bed on phones or devices that give out blue light. Use the nighttime filters on them to avoid giving your brain the daylight signal that it’s time to be awake.

Q

I have no trouble falling asleep, but I keep waking in the night. What can I do about this?

A

Our depth of sleep rises and falls throughout the night. Some people naturally wake in the night for a short period, in what is called biphasic sleep.

However, for other people, waking in the night is a sign that something is wrong with their sleep.

One thing that waking in the night can do is turn our bed into a place where we lie wishing that we could get back to sleep. Because we learn through experience, this can quickly create an unhelpful association between the bed and wakefulness.

The rule is that you shouldn’t lie in bed awake for more than 20 minutes. After this point, you should get up and go to another room, and sit quietly, or read, until you feel like you need to sleep. Only then do you go back to bed.

How to make meditating easy Do you struggle to switch off every time you try to meditate?

Don’t despair. These useful tips will help you reach a state of zen in no time Writing | Claire Munnings

W

e’re led to think that meditating should be simple. You just sit there, relax, and think of nothing, right? Well, the truth is a bit more complicated than that, and many of us can find it difficult to switch off the internal chatter in our minds. After all, meditating encourages us to do something that we’re not used to.

All day long our brains are working

42 • happiful.com • May 2020

in overdrive – reminding us to pay that bill, pick up the shopping and send those emails – and sitting still and quiet can feel very alien to us.

And that’s if we even manage to carve out 15 minutes of our day to dedicate to it.

So, what’s the answer? Meditation instructor Carolyne Bennett says it’s important to stick with your practice – even if you find it tricky at first.

“People think that meditating is challenging for many reasons, and as a result give up too soon,” she says. “Perhaps there are too many distractions around you, your mind is leaping from one thing to another, or you convince yourself that you’re no good at it and question why you’re doing it in the first place. But the benefits of meditation are accumulative, and the more you sit, the more your

mind will become quiet and peaceful.”

If you need a helping hand, try one of the below techniques – they’re ideal for beginners, and will soon help you to enjoy a sense of calm.

this practice can ground you, and create a deep sense of relaxation.

This is also a useful practice if you’re feeling anxious at any point in your day – simply counting 10 or 20 breaths can help release stress quickly and efficiently.

OPT FOR A GUIDED MEDITATION These are a beginner’s best friend. Available on apps such as Headspace, Calm, and Buddhify, guided meditations allow you to tune in to an instructor’s voice, and follow their directions as they guide you into a meditative state.

“Our minds love having something to do, and hearing a set of soothing instructions gives you something positive to focus on,” Carolyne explains.

“Guided meditations provide an amazing, magical experience by taking you on a journey. As with all meditations, if your mind wanders, remember that’s OK, because that’s what they’re designed to do. Once you’ve become aware that your thoughts are elsewhere, just bring your attention back to the guided meditation, and continue where you left off.”

COMPLETE A BODY SCAN Rather than switching your brain off completely, this type of meditation aims to connect your body and mind together, and put them in sync. It involves mentally scanning your body from the top of your head to the tips of your toes, slowly paying attention to the sensations that arise as you do so, and noticing any areas of discomfort.

“A body scan meditation is very restorative and healing, and can help you to relax at a deep level,” Carolyne says. “It’s best to try to stay awake for this, to really appreciate the benefits, but if you do nod off then don’t worry.”

COUNT 100 BREATHS This is an ideal technique to improve your concentration, and encourage your mind to be still. It involves counting down from 100 with each breath until you reach zero, and allows you to notice the steady rhythm of your inhalations and exhalations.

As you try this method, pay attention to your body’s reaction as you take in and release air. Notice the sounds you make, and how it feels. Breathing is like an anchor for many of us, and settling into

USE A TIMER While seasoned meditators can come in and out of a meditative state with ease, and feel confident in knowing when their session has naturally come to its end, beginners often struggle with this point – this is when an alarm can be handy. Set a timer for a certain number of minutes (it doesn’t have to be long – even five minutes is a good start) and then relax into your practice knowing that time won’t become a distraction.

FOCUS ON YOUR SENSES As Carolyne tells us, sensory-based meditations are great for helping you become aware of the current moment. “They bring you out of your head and into the present by

grounding you in your body, and relaxing your nervous system,” she says.

Try it yourself by choosing one of your senses to focus on.

Sound is perhaps one of the most obvious choices, and you can easily centre your practice around some relaxing music, the sounds of the ocean, or even just a ticking clock. You can also follow the same principle with smell (by burning incense or essential oils), touch (by holding some fabric in your fingers or massaging your body with your hands), or sight (by staring at a flickering candle).

AND IF YOU’RE STILL STRUGGLING… Don’t beat yourself up. Meditation has many benefits, but it’s a skill that requires practise and time.

Enjoy the peaceful moments, and seek extra guidance through meditation apps or classes.

Claire Munnings is a health and wellbeing journalist, interested in helping people find happiness in their everyday lives. She enjoys writing about how we can live more mindfully, and introduce a sense of calm into our days.

Carolyne Bennett is a certified meditation and mindfulness instructor, NLP practitioner, and advanced Law of Attraction coach. Find out more by visiting carolynebennett.com May 2020 • happiful.com • 43

WORKING IT OUT Energy and personality are two words that spring to mind when you think of Davina McCall. From Streetmate to Long Lost Family, she’s got a natural talent for connecting people, starting conversations, and more recently championing exercise and encouraging us all to make the most of what we’ve got.

Davina’s passions extend way beyond her long list of career highlights though, and – as she shares with Happiful – they include bringing the ‘Glastonbury of Wellbeing’ to the UK, embracing her inner child, and living life to the fullest Writing | Lucy Donoughue

E

very generation seems to know, and love, Davina McCall. She’s one of just a handful of public figures who have such a broad appeal, and no wonder – she’s been a regular fixture on our screens for more than 20 years, bringing warmth, a little goofiness, and a large dollop of authenticity to every project she’s involved in.

Whether she’s raising money for Sport Relief, supporting reunited siblings on Long Lost Family, or busting moves on The Masked Singer, Davina gives it her all.

Alongside her stellar television career, she’s also been shaking things up in homes up and down the country since 2004 with her exercise DVDs and online fitness programmes. Sharing is most definitely caring for Davina, and it all began, she explains, when she met husband-and-wife fitness duo, Mark and Jackie Wren.

“I started making exercise DVDs because Jackie and Mark

changed my life,” she says. “And I thought: ‘I want to share that!’

The idea that through doing something I love, and that makes me feel better, that I can maybe help other people do something that will make them feel better, is just lovely.”

The emphasis on the moodchanging effect of exercise is central to everything for Davina, and she tries to incorporate it wherever she can, including when she’s out with her beloved dog. “In the summers, I run with Beau, and she loves it, but it’s so muddy at the moment it’s just turned into a really brisk walk,” she says. “But having a dog is amazing for my mental health and motivation, because she doesn’t care if it’s raining, she’s just got to go out!”

However, Davina understands that getting up and outside isn’t always as straightforward as that, especially when you are struggling mentally. “Exercise

should never be a stick to beat yourself with,” she explains. “I know when you’ve got low selfesteem, everything is a stick to beat yourself with, and it’s so easy to turn working out and food into something to give yourself a hard time about.”

Exercise should never be a stick to beat yourself with Her answer to this issue is to practise self-compassion and start small, but to harness the proven benefits of being out in the open.

It’s a method she’s used herself time and again. “When I’ve felt a bit low, and particularly in winter – I find those cold dark mornings really hard – just getting outside, even if I’m only walking around the block, really helps.” >>> May 2020 • happiful.com • 45

I don’t have mental health struggles now.

I did before I got clean It’s almost difficult to believe that someone with the fitness levels Davina has, could ever struggle with motivation. But that is, she says, one of the biggest misconceptions about her.

However, she swears by the advice her friend and trainer Jackie gave her years ago, which is to do some form of movement three times a week to keep physically and mentally healthy.

Davina continually champions the importance of supporting our brains as well as our bodies with exercise. “I think my interest in the mind comes from my recovery,” she reflects, referring to the drug addiction she lived through in her late teens and early 20s. “You know, getting clean and going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings.

“At NA we follow a programme – there’s 12 steps – and I’ve wondered a lot about how and why that works. It’s sort of trained me how to live...” Davina pauses.

“I say that I don’t really have mental health struggles, but I don’t have mental health struggles 46 • happiful.com • May 2020

now. I did before I got clean, that’s why I used drugs.”

Davina feels “so blessed” that she has been able to gain, and use, the 12-step knowledge, and says that she regularly contemplates how to deliver the programme’s benefits to the wider public. “It helped me, and it still helps me lead a better life,” she says seriously.

Holly, Davina’s oldest daughter, seems to have inherited her mum’s curiosity about the mind, and how humans connect. “She loves a

deep philosophical chat, and she’s very opinionated, which I love,” Davina says.

She says that having teenage children means that she continues to learn and grow through their experiences and reactions to the world. “I learned something really amazing from all of my three kids actually,” she continues, smiling. “Which was not to be so judgemental of other people! I always used to say: ‘But why are they doing that, or putting that

For more information about Wellfest visit wellfestuk.com

into their faces at 18?’ My kids would reply: ‘If they want to do it, they can do it, don’t be so judgy!’

That’s a really great lesson that they’ve taught me.”

Davina’s honest and openbook approach to life’s lessons is refreshing, and is perhaps one of the reasons she’s so popular. She’s relatable, and avoids airbrushing her ups, downs, moods, and mistakes. She’s the mate many of us would love to have.

Recently, Davina has shared even more of her own experiences and recommendations on her chatty podcast ‘Making the Cut’, co-hosted by long-term friend, hairdresser, and now partner, Michael Douglas. It’s clearly a project that brings her great joy.

“We’ve been doing this for 20 years, chatting about stuff, and you can hear what we’re like,” she says, and bursts out laughing. “Even things like a sofa, we can turn into a massive philosophical debate!”

Having the ability to chat about everything from big life ideas to the consistency of KFC gravy, is so important for Davina. “I need all

my senses,” she enthuses. “I don’t want to be all serious, all exercise, all good eating, and a nun! I want to break out, I want to go clubbing, to listen to loud music. I want to laugh and cry...” Davina draws in a deep breath. “I really feel like I’m at a stage where I want to live life to the max.”

A picture she posted online earlier this year reminds her to continually embrace every part of her, and all of these needs.

In it, a young girl stands, arms outstretched, laughing and soaked by the rain, with the caption ‘Remember her? She’s still there… inside you… waiting. Let’s go and get her.’

“I’m always thinking about that child in me, and how I shouldn’t ignore her,” Davina says. “I remember to have fun.”

Davina’s desire to feel and spread joy, her love of exercise and being outdoors, all look set to come together this year as she brings WellFest, an amazing wellbeing event, to the UK. After experiencing the festival atmosphere first-hand last year,

she instinctively knew it was something she wanted to be involved in.

“When I went to WellFest in Ireland, I suddenly got a glimpse of what it must be like to play Glastonbury! There’s this really amazing feeling, seeing everybody moving in unison to music, doing something that we all love, and all for the same reason – to feel better.

“To look out from the stage and see mums, dads, kids and grannies all together and really enjoying something, it’s so special.”

The bubbling excitement Davina has become so well-known for is at its peak when she talks about Wellfest. She’s hugely passionate about the event and she hints at some of the people who look set to be leading classes and talking across the weekend. It sounds like a great line-up and she urges everyone to check out the website for the latest additions.

Davina also hopes that she can encourage people who are currently struggling to start exercising, to head down and enjoy the event’s friendly and supportive atmosphere. “Coming to something like Wellfest is an amazing idea. Be brave and try a new, huge workout with thousands of people.”

“That’s what I’d say to someone who is struggling,” she concludes.

“Or just start some kind of outdoor movement, because exercise is the greatest gift you can give your body and your brain, and it will change your mindset.”

May 2020 • happiful.com • 47

The dream team

Co-sleeping is something that, for many of us, comes hand-in-hand with long-term relationships. But what if it’s not working for you? With help from a relationship counsellor, we learn how to make sleeping in the same bed as your partner as easy as a dream, and explore the option of going your separate ways Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Sleeping apart has brought Clio Wood and her husband closer

48 • happiful.com • May 2020

Photography | Ocean Taylor

S

haring a bed can often feel like a relationship rite of passage. But co-sleeping isn’t always easy. From temperature preferences, pillow stacks, tossing and turning, to noise complaints, when it comes to finding the balance we need in order to get a good night’s sleep, we’ve got a lot to contend with.

And putting sleep first is vital for our relationships, as counsellor and psychotherapist Katerina Georgiou explains. “Poor sleep might make us grumpy, irritable, or accident-prone. If left to get worse, we can make poor judgements, mistakes, and easily snap at others. So it’s no surprise that those around us will end up bearing the brunt of that, leaving our relationships affected.”

Of course, we need sleep to function – whether we’re in a relationship or not – but Katerina points out that when we’re sleepdeprived, we may find ourselves getting upset about things that wouldn’t normally faze us, or having arguments with our partners, and saying things that we don’t really mean.

So how can we find equilibrium when co-sleeping with a partner?

For Katerina, it’s about coming at it from two angles. “You will both require sleep to function.

Therefore, how can you help each other get the sleep you both need?

What can you negotiate together?

Will it require sleeping in separate rooms on certain days, or a few simple tweaks – like having separate duvets?” she says. “And is it just sleep you need, or a break in general? Consider other tasks in the home that can be shared and delegated to help you feel less exhausted in the first place.”

You could also try finding a bedtime that works for both of you – ideally when both will fall asleep within 30 minutes – and, if possible, have as big a bed as your room will allow.

There are many ways that you can try to remedy co-sleeping problems, but if you do decide to break with tradition and go your separate ways, you’ll be in good company. A new survey from the National Bed Federation has found that nearly one in six (15%) of UK couples are now choosing to sleep separately, with 89% of those people moving into their own bedrooms.

Nearly one in six UK couples are now choosing to sleep separately Clio Wood, women’s health advocate and founder of family wellbeing company &Breathe, has been with her husband for 12 years, and in autumn last year they decided to move into separate bedrooms.

“We’d not been sleeping well for a number of years, so it was a build-up of stress and exhaustion,” she explains. “In autumn 2019 we began initiating separate beds from the beginning of the night – rather than just giving up in the small hours and moving beds then – and since the beginning of 2020 we’ve done it more consistently.”

It’s a tricky conversation to have, particularly when balancing fear about a lack of intimacy, and the idea that married and longterm partners should sleep in

the same bed together. For Clio, it was her husband who initiated the conversation.

“And actually, I was a bit miffed!” she says. “We’ve been schooled on the societal assumption that we sleep in the same bed if we’re married. When we were doing it non-consistently, you can ignore it – but doing it regularly, I took it as a rejection, when really all he was doing was suggesting a sensible way forward for us.”

As with all aspects of relationships, communication is key, and when we learn how to calmly and compassionately express how we’re feeling, we’re all the more likely to be able to address our needs in a constructive and deliberate way.

Since making the move, and reflecting on the way that it has affected her sleep, Clio muses that it’s not perfect, but it’s better.

“For both of us, it’s been a long journey, and there are lots of factors at play,” she explains. “But having the pressure removed of the other person lying next to you, trying not to disturb each other, is a complete gamechanger.”

Oh, and being able to starfish and arrange the covers and pillows perfectly is a huge bonus, she says.

But whether you decide to change things up or stick it out, one thing’s for sure: it’s about time we started prioritising what we need between the sheets. When we get a good night’s sleep, we’re better partners. And when we’re happy in our relationships, everything else in our lives runs a little more smoothly. So, whether that’s separate beds, or just separate duvets of different togs, don’t settle for tossing and turning. Open the conversation, and kiss bedroom disputes goodnight.

May 2020 • happiful.com • 49

Photography | Eddie Howell

“

If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way

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– MARTIN LUTHER KING JR

BREAKING THE HABIT It’s easy to focus on the negatives and what’s wrong with our behaviours, but to ensure real, lasting change, perhaps it’s time to allow kindness to lead the way...

Writing | Shahroo Izadi

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t’s natural to give a lot of thought to the negatives of our habits – after all, they’re often the reason we want to change. But focusing on how our behaviour patterns are serving us to stay the same, can help us to gain far more useful insight.

It can be helpful to reframe a habit that’s become a problem for you as a solution, instead. That

way, you can not only understand (with compassion and forgiveness) why you’re finding it so difficult to change, but you can also consider what other habits you’d like to introduce, that could do a similar job for you.

As a behaviour change specialist, one scenario I’ve seen a lot is when someone isn’t happy with their habit of drinking a couple of glasses of wine in an evening, and beats themself up for not having changed, despite knowing it’s not good for their health. Instead of imposing punitive, harsh new drinking rules, which rely on you staying motivated to avoid the negatives, I instead recommend first asking yourself why you’re drinking it in the first place?

Consider how it serves you, or has served you in the past. You might identify that it helps you to mark the end of a working day, or serves to release stress in the short-term.

Without judgement, consider what other long-term coping strategies could help with stress, and practise turning to those more frequently instead. >>> May 2020 • happiful.com • 51

Doing difficult things is easier when you feel capable, strong, and positive.

So do the things that make you feel capable, strong and positive If you’re looking to change an ingrained habit, here are six tips to help you take a more compassionate, and successful, approach.

1 TAKE YOUR LIFE OFF ‘HOLD’ So many of us have got into the habit of deciding that we’ll wait to be kinder to ourselves as a reward, once we’ve achieved our goals. Working with people who want to change their eating habits especially, I’ve learned that it’s very common for them to think: ‘I’ll book that holiday/wear bright colours/go on dates/ask for that pay rise once I’ve tackled this.’ Our worthiness to believe in ourselves has nothing to do with achieving specific goals. Overall, self-kindness, self-care, and self-belief should be something we feel we deserve, without any conditions. Plus, starting to be kinder to ourselves regardless of goals actually makes them easier to achieve. Whatever the habit, making changes is difficult. Doing difficult things is easier when you feel capable, strong, and positive.

So do the things that make you feel capable, strong, and positive!

2 TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE I’ve heard a lot of people describe themselves as ‘all or nothing’ types, who treat a blip from any plan as a catastrophe. They can be doing really well for weeks, staying ‘on

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track’ with their new behaviours, and as soon as they deviate from the plan, they throw in the towel.

Before they know it, they’re back where they started. They tell themselves that they’ve ‘blown it’ now, and can’t start again until Monday. Yet, if someone they cared for asked them for advice after deviating from a plan of change, they’d encourage them to treat the blip as temporary, and get back on track. If you can give kind, sensible, and useful advice to others, you can give it to yourself, too!

3 DO IT YOUR WAY Make your plans work for you, in order to create the path of least resistance when making changes. If, for example, you want to integrate exercise into your routine, but you hate gyms and early mornings, then stop signing up for gym memberships and classes at dawn. What works for someone else, won’t necessarily be the best path for you. Explore other activities that you don’t mind doing after work, and hopefully might even enjoy. First, set yourself initial challenges that are difficult enough to make you feel proud of yourself, but realistic and bespoke enough to your real life that you don’t doubt your capacity to see them through.

4 SPEAK TO YOURSELF LIKE SOMEONE YOU WANT TO SUCCEED Often when we’re embarking on a plan of change, we’re fed up with ourselves and the fact we haven’t changed yet. It’s common (especially in the initial stages when things can get tough), to

speak to ourselves in the complete opposite way to how we’d speak to someone else if our task was to encourage them.

When I first started delivering workshops on self-talk, I would often ask attendees to think about the difference between the way they speak to a loved one, and the way they speak to themselves, when something difficult needs to get done. This helped them to check-in with their inner dialogue, and learn the value of rooting for themselves lovingly.

But the exercise works even if you had to motivate someone you didn’t like at all! If you wanted them to do well, you’d still speak to them in a motivational, encouraging, positive manner. You’d remind them of their capacity, especially when they’re finding it hardest, and give them the kind of upbeat, positive feedback that you know is helpful.

The next time you realise you’re beating yourself up in any area of your life, ask yourself: 1) Is this how I’d speak to someone else?; and 2) Is this the kind of soundtrack that helps anyone to achieve a difficult goal?

5 TREAT YOURSELF, IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY, LIKE A LOVED ONE Try one week of making decisions for yourself throughout each day, that you’d want someone you love to make for themself. You may well notice so many opportunities to make your body and your environment a little bit better – from drinking more water, to getting more air, forgiving yourself for a work-blip more quickly, or making the kinds of choices for yourself that you’ll be happy you made tomorrow.

Instead of just isolating one habit you’d like to change, you may notice that you’re more inclined to pepper self-care and self-kindness throughout your day, as an investment in your overall wellbeing and quality of life. Not only do you deserve to treat – and speak to – yourself like someone you love, but you’ll be reinforcing that you matter, your goals matter, and you’ll create an inner and outer world, where acts of unkindness are the ones that stick out.

6 REMEMBER HOW CAPABLE YOU REALLY ARE Make a list of everything you’ve done in your life that has demonstrated your capacity – every example of when you’ve achieved a goal, done something difficult, or got through a challenge. Write it all down in one place, and when you’re finished, take a photo of it to keep on your phone. The next time you’re faced with a challenge during your plan of change, commit to looking at it and telling yourself: ‘This may be difficult, but I can do difficult things.’

Shahroo is a behavioural change specialist, who started her training in the NHS, and later worked for the charity Turning Point – which provides substance-misuse treatment – before setting up her own practice, and writing books on habit-change. To find out more, visit shahrooizadi.co.uk

May 2020 • happiful.com • 53

On the scent Our sense of smell is a powerful neurological vehicle. With the ability to invigorate, inspire, soothe, and stimulate us, scent has been used throughout history to target our mood and state of mind – and now, cosmetics retailer Lush is bringing it back with their latest spa treatment, inspired by the Renaissance belief that perfume has the ability to heal us. To find out more, Happiful’s Kathryn Wheeler put her nose to the wind as she headed to Lush Oxford Street, London, to sample ‘Renaissance: a meditation on fragrance’

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ellness is on the rise.

Everywhere we look, new and innovative treatments are springing up – each promising to be the next big thing, transporting us to a whole other level of wellbeing, and acting as the cure for our busy, stressful, overstimulated, modern lives.

But with their latest treatment, Lush is pressing rewind on wellness – taking us back 700 years to the Renaissance period.

A time full of light, colour, and creativity, this treatment takes inspiration from a culture that used perfume as a medicine – promising to soothe our temperaments, aches, and pains. Pitched as ‘meditation for those who don’t think they can meditate’, I was keen to see what this intriguing, bespoke treatment could deliver for me.

I arrived at busy Lush Oxford Street, London, and was swiftly guided to the treatment area by one of the many friendly members of staff, where I sat down at a table opposite my therapist. In front of me was a

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printed cloth which was divided into four sections: hope, purpose, belonging, and mastery. I was asked to read the characteristics under each category, reflect on the past three months to a year of my life, and chose the one that I felt most connected to. For me, it was ‘belonging’.

From this, my therapist then sprayed two scents on my wrists, asking me to let her know which one most stood out to me. It was this scent that would form the basenote of my treatment.

I was then led into a candlelit treatment room, where I got partially undressed and made myself comfortable on a heated towel bed, that had been scented with the fragrance that I had picked. After switching on some music – specially commissioned for this particular treatment – the experience began.

To begin, my therapist walked around my body, placing her hands on my arms and legs in turn, reciting an affirmation relating to my theme of belonging. The massage, which focused on the neck and shoulders, was done with

As the scents continued to layer, I felt as though they were trickling into my nervous system solid perfume blocks which were cool – a welcome and invigorating contrast to the heated towel bed.

The therapist’s touch was light, focusing on relaxing my muscles and mind rather than working out tension. And as the music and scents intensified, I found myself moving deeper into the meditation. I’m no mindfulness master – in fact, switching off and letting go is something that I often struggle with during treatments – but the combination of the scent, the music, and the warm positive affirmations from my therapist, were more than enough to transport me into a soothing state.

As the scents continued to layer, I felt as though they were trickling into my nervous system, balancing me, and prompting me to let go of stresses and, importantly, embrace a sense of ‘belonging’.

The music seemed to reach a climax, the movements of the

Try this at home Scents can have an incredible effect on our state of mind, and can be used to soothe our mood, and guide our wellbeing. Find out more about aromatherapy and essential oils on our Happiful app.

massage matching the pace, before quietening down, finishing with a final affirmation.

I didn’t want to open my eyes – in that moment I felt incredibly still, yet also so clear. But when I did, after getting dressed, I was led to another part of the spa where I was served smoking tea made with my scent – a final note that lingered along with the smell of the perfume that was on my skin.

The truth is, everyone loves personalisation – and treatments promising to be ‘bespoke’ are

everywhere at the moment.

That said, it’s not easy to get this right. But, from the detailed talk prior to the massage, to the way that the therapist responds and moves with your body, Lush is hitting the mark.

In a time when the wellness industry is under so much pressure to evolve to deliver bigger and better treatments than ever before, it feels appropriate to look to our history for inspiration.

Lush’s Renaissance massage embraces a culture where wellbeing was seen as key to our health. And if you ask me, it’s about time.

The Lush Renaissance Spa Treatment (£75, 40 minutes) is available in all Lush Spas. Head to uk.lush.com to find out more.

May 2020 • happiful.com • 55

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Listen to conversations with Shahroo Izadi, Grace Victory, Megan Crabbe, Fiona Lamb, and many others who share their passions, and reveal the moments that shaped them.

Megan Crabbe | Joseph Sinclair, Grace Victory | Paul Buller

I am. I have

Strong Mentality From truly traumatic circumstances, Dan Cross found a way to create a supportive, safe space for men to come together and grieve Writing | Gemma Calvert

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he 20-strong group of men had hiked for eight hours to reach Snowdon’s summit, moving every step of the nine miles as one, travelling only as fast as the slowest. Teamwork at its finest.

Finally, at the top, the walkers took a moment to take in the awe-inspiring view, and celebrate their achievement: fulfilling the physical feat of the 3,560ft climb and – many for the first time – overcoming emotional barriers guarding their innermost feelings of grief.

Every two-day expedition hosted

by StrongMen, a UK charity dedicated to supporting bereaved men, sees participants start out as strangers, and finish as firm

friends, bonded by a mutual understanding of loss.

Studies show that men find it harder to talk about grief than women, with many resorting to ‘grief aversion’ to circumvent pain and live up to masculine ideals. Research suggests men often build a fake emotional image that conveys ‘strength’, but such avoidance behaviour only makes depression more likely. It can also lead to physical health complications, a reality understood by StrongMen cofounder Dan Cross, whose wife Nikki was murdered in May 2015.

“Physical pain is not something you think of as bereavement, but I was in pain physically all the time, with crippling stomach

aches and headaches,” explains the IT specialist, who appeared on the 2018 series of Channel 4’s SAS: Who Dares Wins. Last September, he launched StrongMen with fellow contestant Efrem Brynin, a sales director from West Sussex, whose son James was killed in Afghanistan in October 2013.

“With StrongMen, our motto is ‘healthy body, healthy mind’ because the two are linked and if you don’t look after one, the other one will suffer,” explains Dan. Last year, across two StrongMen retreats, a total of 40 men who had experienced the loss of a spouse, child, parent, or sibling, reaped the psychological and physiological benefits of climbing a mountain together. >>> May 2020 • happiful.com • 57

Dan and wife Alex on their wedding day in September 2019

“It’s a metaphor for what we’re facing; it’s a physical challenge but relates to the emotional challenges, too,” says Dan. “We talk all the way up the mountain, and that’s where the barriers start to come down. Everyone’s sharing their experiences, because they feel the person they’re opening up to really understands them.

“StrongMen is an abbreviation of StrongMentality. Strength is knowing yourself, and knowing when you need to ask for support, and getting it.”

The idea for the charity was born during Dan’s months of recovery after Nikki was stabbed by an intruder to the family home, while Dan was working away. Heartbreakingly, Dan was on the phone to his wife as she 58 • happiful.com • May 2020

died trying to protect her children, Stanley and Isabella, then six and three. He listened down the line as Nikki fell silent before Stanley began pleading for his mummy to wake. Dan has since battled anxiety, depression, and PTSD. “I was getting flashbacks every 10, 15 or 20 minutes, hearing Nikki’s screams. It felt like she was in the room with me,” explains Dan. “I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t go outside, because I was worried somebody was going to attack us.

I feared the kids were going to be damaged for life. My mind was going 10 years in the future, 10 years in the past – I couldn’t control any of my thoughts. It was a living hell.”

Six months after Nikki died, Dan’s GP recommended he return to the gym – a pastime he lost passion

Strength is knowing yourself, and knowing when you need to ask for support, and getting it for following the tragedy – to help release a build-up of stress hormones, which was causing him physical pain. Dan also had trauma counselling, which taught him mindfulness techniques to cope with panic attacks, such as focusing on and describing objects, as well as repeatedly narrating the event in detail.

“I had to write it down, read it out, say it over and over, because eventually you become desensitised to it,” he says. “It’s just something you’re able to talk about, and I do talk about it now.”

Another positive came in the form of road-running with friends,

Dan on ‘SAS: Who Dares Wins’ in 2018

StrongMen groups support people through grief

when Dan would inadvertently offload his feelings. Then one year after the tragedy, Dan began volunteering for Victim Support, and during his training met family members of other murder victims, who he instantly “connected with”.

By the time Dan travelled to Morocco two years ago, to film SAS: Who Dares Wins, his idea for StrongMen was well-formulated, and he shared his thoughts with ex-Special Forces soldier and show co-host Matthew ‘Ollie’ Ollerton, who said the plan “had legs”.

Now Ollie, and presenter-turned qualified life coach Jeff Brazier, are ambassadors for the charity, which launched thanks to £10,000 of Lottery funding. This year, using £50,000 donated by well-wishers, four retreats are on the cards, and the aim is to roll out eight more in 2021, building up to 20 annually.

More than 750 men are currently on the waiting list.

Crucially, participants don’t stop benefiting from StrongMen once their walking boots are unlaced.

“We have a post-weekend care plan,” says Dan. “We set up a WhatsApp group so everyone can chat and share photographs. If somebody’s having a bad day, all

the lads rally around them. If there’s an anniversary, it’s an opportunity to help each other from afar. It creates a support network that carries on.”

Before Nikki died, Dan admits he was a “closed book”, especially around the children.

Today, thanks to counselling and since meeting his new partner, Alex Wells, a children’s mental health physician who he married last September, he speaks proudly of how far he has come emotionally.

“I’m a more rounded person.

I know myself better, and I’m stronger for knowing my limits, mentally and emotionally. I feel when I’m getting tense, when something’s bothering me, and I know the right time to offload that.”

As for how he’s supported Stanley and Isabella, now 10 and eight, Dan admits he has largely been led by his “gut”, but says Alex’s input as both a healthcare professional and a woman who cares deeply for his children, has been invaluable.

“She can recognise quickly when the children are slipping into a down period. It helps a great deal.

We’ve got pictures and memory books – things to keep memories of Nikki alive. One of the key things was me showing emotion in front of the kids, so when I was sad, I’d cry in front of them. It’s about giving them the confidence to know their emotions are OK, and to let out how they feel.”

For Dan, who also founded Nikki’s Wishes, a charity providing days out for bereaved families in Hertfordshire, his “never-ending” journey of grief is undoubtedly helped by StrongMen. “To see the idea grow into an actual charity that’s leading to an improvement in people is a great feeling,” he says. “Grief is hard to control and understand, so having people around you that have your back when you reach those moments, that’s vital.”

Find out more at strongmen.org.uk May 2020 • happiful.com • 59

The truth about insomnia More than just a restless night, insomnia is a sleep disorder that can deeply impact a person’s life. Here, Sassy Smith reveals what it’s really like to experience insomnia first-hand...

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t’s 4am and I’m lying in bed sobbing, listening to my husband snoring gently beside me, and trying to resist the urge to pinch or elbow him, just so that he’s awake too. At this moment, even though I know that it is completely irrational, I hate him.

I’m angry, frustrated, and anxious, and I just want to shout: “How dare you be asleep. It’s so unfair. Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!”

But I don’t. Instead I bury my face into my pillow and sob silently, my eyes fixated on the glowing numbers of my alarm clock. The numbers that have been taunting me since 1am, and will continue to do so until I finally give up and get out of bed at 6am.

It’s the summer of 2017, and in the past six months I’ve gone from being a solid eight-hours-anight sleeper to getting less than three hours at best. I’m feeling exhausted, stressed, snappy, and permanently on the verge of tears – and I have no idea why this is happening to me.

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All the issues from my waking day would rush into my head, and my anxiety levels would rise. I was stuck in a cycle and couldn’t seem to find a way out In the early stages of my insomnia I just thought that maybe I wasn’t tired enough, so I would force myself to do some high-intensity exercise before bed. I thought that maybe if I could physically wear myself out, I’d be so exhausted I wouldn’t wake up.

But it didn’t work.

I quit coffee, but that made no difference at all. If anything, it just made me even more grumpy, because I was denying myself something I love.

I tried having a couple of glasses of wine in the evening, hoping that the alcohol would knock me out, but that only gave me a headache, and meant that when I did wake up, I had a raging thirst.

I read somewhere that getting up out of bed and doing something else, like cleaning or reading a book, would help but it absolutely didn’t.

Finally, I tried sleeping tablets, but they just made me feel unpleasantly groggy, and a little bit sick.

Once I was awake, the biggest problem was getting my mind to quieten down. It felt like my eyes opening was a cue to send my brain into overdrive, and for the whirring thought loops to start up. All the issues from my waking day would rush into my head, and my anxiety levels

would rise. I was stuck in a cycle and couldn’t seem to find a way out.

It wasn’t until I started training to become a coach in the early part of 2018, that I finally had an insight into what was happening to me. Looking back, I can see how easily it happened and how my life, biology, and circumstances had created the perfect insomnia storm.

I was going through an incredibly stressful time at work; I was desperately unhappy and very anxious. My brain was constantly filled with negative self-talk, and I would replay situations and conversations over and over on constant loops. I had also started to develop night sweats, and I could feel that my hormones were all over the place.

This combination of stress, anxiety, and being perimenopausal meant that my cortisol levels were off the chart.

I’d heard of cortisol, and thought it was just a stress-related fight or flight response. I had no idea that our bodies need it for so many other things, or that it’s naturally involved in the waking up process.

I learnt that our cortisol levels should be at zero around midnight, start to increase two to three hours after the onset of sleep, and then steadily increase until there’s enough in our system to wake us up. Because I was going to bed physically and mentally

stressed, my cortisol levels were through the roof and never dropped to the zero point. That meant that by 1am I already had enough in my body to naturally wake me up. Once awake, my brain would whirr and I’d get upset about being awake, which would cause another release of cortisol and… well you can guess the rest.

To stop the cycle, I started learning how to manage my stress.

Every night before bed, I would get my journal out and dump my thoughts into it, literally just putting pen to paper and writing whatever came into my head.

Clearing out my thoughts each day was a really great help, and I was able to use it to make sense of the things that were subconsciously worrying me. I also started to meditate, and used deep breathing techniques to bring my cortisol levels down. It didn’t happen immediately, but by using these methods to calm my body and my brain, my sleep improved, and I am now back to getting seven to eight hours a night.

Although everyone is different, if you’re also struggling to get a good night’s sleep, deep breathing, meditation, and journaling before bed worked for me and I would really recommend it if you’re also suffering with insomnia, too.

Fingers crossed for some sweet dreams soon.

Sassy Smith is a person-centred coach, who specialises in supporting busy professionals who are suffering from stress, anxiety, and overwhelm, and in helping them to bring balance to their lives and rediscover joy cloudlesscoaching.com May 2020 • happiful.com • 61

Coronavirus:

8 ways to help yourself and others

As both the news, and our lives, become dominated by the ongoing situation with coronavirus, we explore how you can help yourself – and others – while protecting your mental health Writing | Kat Nicholls

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hen something like a virus outbreak happens, it’s easy for us to feel like we don’t have any control, and this allows anxiety to flourish. While the measures being implemented are to protect us and to try to keep us safe, isolation can have a dramatic impact on our mental health as well.

But while the wider situation may be out of our hands, we can take back control through the ways we can help – and that includes taking care of your mental wellbeing, and looking out for those who may be more vulnerable.

Here we look at some ways you can regain a sense of control, ease anxiety in this difficult time, and support others.

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1. SWITCH OFF NOTIFICATIONS AND TUNE INTO OFFICIAL INFORMATION As with many things that get picked up in the news, there is a lot of misinformation about coronavirus. It can be easy to get sucked into these articles, clicking on link after link until your head is swimming with panic-inducing headlines.

If you have news notifications set up, and you’re finding they are triggering anxiety, switch them off. Try to limit yourself to only reading information from official sources such as the NHS and Public Health England. If you’re not UK-based, take a look at the World Health Organization and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention for updates.

2. SPRING CLEAN YOUR SOCIAL Sometimes it isn’t news outlets that trigger our anxiety, but the people in our social media feeds that have us worried. Perhaps you follow someone who is sharing unofficial news updates, or someone who is talking about it in a way that feels uncomfortable to you?

Whatever the reason, remember there’s no shame in unfollowing, or even temporarily muting, someone from your feed. Focus on following uplifting accounts that make you feel calm and in control.

3. ASK BEFORE ANALYSING With a subject as topical as coronavirus, many of us will find ourselves talking about it constantly – with those in our households, and on every FaceTime, Skype, or Zoom call.

However you are feeling is valid, and it’s important to give space to those feelings their supplies, and while it’s easy to understand how fear is driving this behaviour, try to only buy what you need, and shop locally where you can. It’s small businesses that are most likely to be affected and who will need your ongoing support.

Although we might want to be kept informed, sometimes this can become overwhelming. It’s hard to know how the person we’re speaking to is feeling about the situation, and whether or not talking about it will trigger anxiety in them.

Before you start a conversation, check in with the person you’re talking to about it. Are they comfortable having a discussion, or would they rather you talked about something else? Similarly, be sure to share your own boundaries around the subject if you’re finding it tough to listen to.

4. TRY TO UNDERSTAND OPPOSING POINTS OF VIEWS We all react to news like this differently, and rather than turning on each other, being kind

and offering alternatives can be more productive. Remember, we’re all human and are doing the best we can with the tools we’ve got. However you are feeling is valid, and it’s important to give space to those feelings – frustration, fear, sadness, anxiety, anger. Some people might even find joy in spending more time with their family, and holding on to those special moments and memories is good, too.

5. SHOP MINDFULLY, SHOP LOCALLY According to Alastair George, Investment Strategist at Edison Investment Research, it’s fear rather than the coronavirus that may be the UK economy’s biggest enemy. You may have noticed a lot of shops are being emptied of

6. BE AWARE OF WHO YOU CAN HELP If you know of anyone who may be struggling to get what they need, whether that’s information, health supplies or someone to talk to, see if there’s any way you can help.

Consider older people who may not be online or those with pre-existing conditions who are unable to make a trip to the shops.

Perhaps drop a note with your mobile number through people’s letterboxes, offering support if you can, or signposting others who can support them.

7. CONSIDER WHERE A CHANGE TO BEHAVIOUR COULD BE POSITIVE It can be hard to see positives in a situation like this, but it may be helpful to consider how the changes we’re making due to the outbreak could have positive implications. For example, China banned wildlife trade nationwide in January due to the coronavirus outbreak. Positive change can come from difficult situations. >>> May 2020 • happiful.com • 63

Additionally, there has been a drop in air pollution levels across numerous countries, and the waters in Venice are the clearest they’ve been in 60 years, and wildlife is returning – including fish, swans, and even dolphins.

PROTECTING YOUR MENTAL HEALTH WHILE ISOLATING In her article ‘Coronavirus anxiety, isolation, treatment – the emotional impact’, counsellor Karin Sieger includes the following recommendations: • Ensure that you create a realistic and helpful daily routine, and stick to it.

• Have regular times for getting up and going to bed, as well as meal times.

• Have fresh air if you can open windows, or have a safe outdoor space.

• Do keep in touch with others digitally, and keep connected.

• Keep a journal.

• Set yourself tasks and goals.

• Look at the time you have as an opportunity to learn a new skill.

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8. SEEK HELP Whether you already have a condition like health anxiety or OCD that’s being triggered by the news, or you’re simply finding your mental health is being affected, know that support is still out there. A lot of counsellors offer online or telephone sessions – you can find more than 12,000 on our Happiful app.

If you’re worried about the financial implications of the ongoing situation, know that there are a lot of new policies in place to help, including mortgage holidays, protection for renters, furlough, statutory sick pay from day one, and many other initiatives. While this doesn’t completely solve the burden for many people, if you need more advice, please visit moneysavingexpert.com or citizensadvice.org.uk.

You may also want to look into support groups and helplines that can provide peer support. Or consider regular video catch-ups with your friends – some people are doing virtual pub quizzes together, and there’s even options to watch films or shows on Netflix in time with your mates. As well as people to talk to, sometimes a distraction or bit of normality is needed, too.

Know that you’re not alone in this, and it’s not ‘silly’ to be worried. You are well within your rights to get whatever support it is that you need.

ten 10 energy-boosting foods A hectic lifestyle can mean you don’t always eat as well as you should – and you could end up paying the consequences. But there are some simple additions to your diet that can make all the difference Writing | Jenna Farmer

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n our usual lives, many of us turn to caffeine and fast food to give us the energy we need to get through the 9-to-5. And now, in more uncertain times, we can feel more emotionally and mentally drained than ever. If you find yourself struggling to stay awake in the evening, or battling energy crashes post-lunch, it could be time to take a look at your diet.

While no one food is a miracle energy-booster, here we share 10 foods that, when added to your diet, could make a real difference to your energy levels.

1. Oats Instagram may be full of trendy smoothie bowls, but you don’t need powders and ‘superfoods’ to feel good. In fact, the humble oat can be a great breakfast staple that’s really inexpensive. Oats contain soluble fibre – a great ingredient for your gut health – and release their energy much slower than some other carbohydrates. This slow release, combined with the fact oats are higher in protein than other grains, prevents sugar spikes (which can then lead to energy crashes later on in the day) and keeps you full for longer.

2. Spinach Many women suffer with low iron levels, and this can really impact their energy – leaving them feeling fatigued and out of breath.

Red meat is a good source of iron, but so is spinach – and other green vegetables like broccoli and kale. Non-meat-based sources of iron are thought to be absorbed better when they’re combined with vitamin C, so tuck into an omelette packed with leafy greens and a glass of orange juice to start your day.

3. Eggs Did you know that eggs are actually a nutritional powerhouse?

We know egg whites are a great source of protein, but don’t forget the yolks, which are a super source of vitamin D (something we all need during the colder months), and vitamins E and K. Nutritional therapist Jodie Brandman says: “Eggs are a great source of protein and healthy fats, so they release their energy slowly, preventing energy dips. The choline in the egg yolk supports >>>

the neurotransmission in your brain, keeping you going for longer than just carbs!” Unfortunately, Creme Eggs don’t count!

4. Peanut butter Peanut butter on toast is a satisfying snack – and it turns out it’s pretty good for you, too. Why? Well, first up peanuts (and all nuts) are a great all-rounder. They’re a good non-meat form of protein, a source of healthy fats, and a great source of zinc and magnesium.

However, lots of brands do add things like sugar and salt, which aren’t great for your overall wellbeing. Make your own, or look out for natural varieties that are 100% nuts. It can also be worth switching it up and trying different varieties of nut butter; almond butter is a great source of calcium, and cashew butter is a good source of iron.

5. Potatoes We’re not saying tucking into a chip butty will give you all the energy you need but, actually, potatoes are more nutritionally balanced than you might think. Potatoes are a source of carbohydrates, and contain protein, iron, calcium, and even vitamin C. In fact, one study found that potatoes were as effective as fancy energy gels for helping cyclists keep up vigorous exercise.

Sweet potatoes provide similar amounts of calories, protein, and fat as the regular kind, but are higher in fibre and nutrients such as vitamin C. Combine potatoes with a source of protein (such as fish or lean meat) and add in some vegetables (for a fibre boost) to make a perfectly balanced lunch.

6. Blueberries A bowl of any fresh fruit is a great snack idea, but blueberries are Jodie Brandman’s top pick.

“Blueberries are amazing as they have natural sugars, fibre to help slow down that energy release, and they’re amazing brain foods as they’re full of antioxidants.”

Why not keep a punnet in your fridge to snack on throughout the day, or try our delicious baked oats recipe?

7. D u c k If you’re looking for an alternative to chicken, why not tuck into duck? It’s higher in iron than chicken and, if you’re worried about the high fat content, it’s as lean, too, once the skin is removed. It’s also high in B vitamins and even omega fats.

According to the Gressingham Duck company, 100g of duck contains 23% of our daily value of protein.

8. Bread Low-carb diets might seem fashionable at the moment, but you can actually get a lot of energy from your loaf of bread.

We need carbs to provide energy, but you may need to upgrade your usual breakfast of toast and butter to make sure you reap the most benefits. “The best thing is to have wholegrain and granary breads, as the good fats in nuts and seeds slow down the sugar release,” explains Jodie Brandman. And the toppings on your toast are just as important.

“You could add things like avocado, nut butter, eggs, or tofu on top to keep that energy stable,” she adds.

We need carbs to provide energy, but you may need to upgrade your usual breakfast of toast and butter to make sure you reap the most benefits

Five-ingredient energy-boosting baked oats

9. Cinnamon You may use cinnamon at Christmas, but it’s actually an ingredient you should be reaching for throughout the year. Studies have shown it’s jam-packed with antioxidants, can help with digestion, and is perfect for helping with sweet cravings by adding some sweetness to a dish without sugar.

10. Chia seeds You’ve probably seen them in the health food aisle, but how can chia seeds improve your energy levels? Well, in several ways actually. They’re a great source of several nutrients, such as omega-3, protein, and calcium, and are also rich in fibre. This means they can help you feel full, improve your digestive health, and help prevent sugar spikes and energy dips by slowing the release of glucose.

Jodie Brandman is a nutritional therapist who specialises in women’s health and fertility. Find out more at jodiebrandman.com Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease and blogs about her journey to improve gut health at abalancedbelly.co.uk

• 100g of oats • 1 tbsp of chia seeds • 50g of blueberries • 1 egg (or a flaxseed egg if vegan) • 2 tablespoons of peanut butter (or any nut butter) Instructions 1. In a mixing bowl add oats, chia seeds and blueberries, and stir.

2. Crack egg and add to bowl, mixing to ensure the mixture is coated well and ‘wet’. If you find that the mixture is still dry, you can add a few tablespoons of water.

3. If vegan, make 1 ‘flaxseed egg’ by mixing a tbsp of ground flaxseeds with 3 tbsp water and stirring. Add this mixture to the bowl.

4. Stir in peanut butter. If the peanut butter is quite solid, you might want to warm it on the hob or in the microwave for a few seconds so it is nice and soft.

5. Now add the complete mixture to a well-oiled baking tray, and cook for around 30 minutes.

Sweet dreams are made of this

Freud called them ‘the royal road to the unconscious’, but what do our dreams really mean, and can they help to manage our mental health?

Writing | Kat Nicholls

I

’m walking around a labyrinth of a building, looking for a bathroom, but when I finally find it the cubicles either don’t have doors or the toilets are so dirty I can’t use them. Thankfully, I’m not talking about real life – I’m talking about a recurrent dream I have.

Dreams have fascinated us for centuries. In 1900, founder of psychoanalysis Sigmund Freud released The Interpretation of Dreams, detailing the meaning of dreams and how they relate to mental health. Opinions vary, but many psychotherapists continue to see value in working with dreams, believing they’re crucial for our emotional health.

One theory suggests that anxietyinducing dreams can help us deal with real-world issues. A study carried out in October 2019 asked participants to track their dreams, and tested their reactions to emotionally-jarring images.

Researchers found that those reporting a higher incidence of fear in their dreams showed “reduced emotional arousal” while awake.

A separate study found a connection between the amount of rapid eye movement (REM) sleep

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we get and our ability to cope with anxiety. Researchers concluded that the more REM sleep subjects got, “the weaker the fear-related effect”.

Getting good quality REM sleep could be a key tool in managing anxiety and stress.

WHAT CAN OUR DREAMS TELL US? So we know a little more about the potential reasons why we dream, but what do the dreams themselves actually mean? I spoke to counsellor Will Leifer to find out what our dreams can mean, and their link to mental health.

“Quite simply, dreams tell us the emotional truth of our lives. How we are experiencing life.”

Not a subscriber of Freud’s ideas surrounding dream interpretation, Will explains that he does agree with his famous quote, “Dreams are the royal road to the unconscious” – if the ‘unconscious’ means deep feelings we have about the situations in our lives that we struggle to pay attention to. Paying attention to our dreams, then, could help us connect with our unconscious.

There are certain dreams many of us share, from my recurring toilet

nightmare to dreaming that your teeth are falling out. Google these dreams and you’ll find long lists of interpretations, but Will warns us that generic definitions aren’t always useful.

“I think, to understand what a dream means you always have to ask the dreamer themselves some questions, it’s very individual.

“Imagine someone dreamt of an alsatian, for example. If you ask people about alsatians, one will tell you: ‘They are fearsome, terrifying dogs. I don’t go near them.’ But another will say: ‘Alsatians, are the most wonderful, loyal dogs. I had an alsatian when I was a teenager.’

Now, if both these people dream of alsatians, the meaning would clearly be totally different.”

Asking yourself what you believe the dream means may be more valuable than Googling symbolism.

Will also highlights that if you’re having regular nightmares, you might want to consider if something needs changing in your life. “A nightmare is the dreaming brain’s way of screaming at you ‘Hey, this problem really needs attention’ if it feels you haven’t been listening!”

If you’re having ongoing nightmares about something that really happened to you, this could be a sign of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and is worth checking with a mental health professional.

HOW CAN OUR DREAMS SUPPORT OUR MENTAL HEALTH? Seeing as our dreams can tell us so much, it makes sense that we use this knowledge to support our mental health. Building self-

awareness, recording our dreams can help us get in touch with our emotional life.

A simple technique Will suggests is tracking the ‘feeling journey’ of your dream. For example, do you start the dream feeling happy, become bored, then anxious as the dream ends? Or do you start feeling sad, progress through worry, and end with a sense of love?

Consider the week you’ve had, and whether the same sequence of feelings takes place in your waking life. “If it does, the connection between that situation and what happened in the dream is often immediately obvious,” Will says.

“Dreams help us connect more deeply to the emotional meanings behind the events of our daily lives.”

Another avenue to explore is lucid dreaming; when you know you’re dreaming and can take control of what happens. Will says this offers us a chance to get to know parts of ourselves we normally avoid. If you’re running away from someone in your dream for example, you could take the opportunity to turn around and talk.

“As a therapist, I often think therapy can be described as ‘making friends with yourself’. I can’t think of many more profound opportunities to do that than in this scenario. Dreams can become a crucial part of any journey towards emotional health and wholeness, for anyone who wants to explore them.”

Right, with all that in mind… who else is feeling ready for bed?

Learn more about Will’s work on counselling-directory.org.uk

May 2020 • happiful.com • 69

How to let go of a grudge Writing | Fiona Thomas

Allowing anger to fester over a perceived injustice can be debilitating and destructive.

So learn to forgive, forget, and move on – you’ll find it will lighten your life, and could even improve your physical and mental health

I

have an old school friend who I meet up with once or twice a year, and every time we do, the conversation always circles back to her exboyfriend. Or more importantly, how he dumped her. It wasn’t a particularly messy break-up, but I can see why she thinks their local KFC wasn’t the most compassionate place to break the news that he wanted to see other people. It happened more than eight years ago, and she’s happily married with kids. But it’s always in the back of her mind – she simply cannot let go of the grudge.

My grudge is a little different. A university lecturer once pointed out that I had a massive spot on my chin when I was in the middle of giving a presentation to a roomful of other students. It’s safe to say

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I’ve been harbouring hatred for the man ever since. For you, it might be the fact that Susan in accounting gave everyone a Christmas card except you. Maybe a friend has ghosted you, or your older sibling has always been more successful. Grudges come in all shapes and sizes, but they’re not necessarily all bad.

I asked cognitive behavioural psychotherapist and Counselling Directory member Peter Klein, to elaborate. “Being angry at someone who has wronged us is a healthy response,” he explains.

“It is often more unhealthy to not notice, or hold no ill will against anyone.”

Great! So, I can continue to feel seething contempt towards the middle-aged man who publicly shamed me for having a spot?

Well, not quite. “When we think about specific moments in the past and keep ruminating about these excessively, then people can become mentally absent, are more likely to experience mental distress, and will have less energy because of that,” says Peter.

IS IT BAD TO HOLD A GRUDGE? There is reason to believe that holding a grudge can have a significant impact on our physical and mental wellbeing. A study carried out by the University of Georgia found that bearing grudges is associated with a “history of pain disorders, cardiovascular disease, and stomach ulcers”. In 2015, a study found that people who engaged in actively forgiving others were able to perform better

in jumping activities, suggesting that they felt physically lighter than those who had not. Almost like a weight had been lifted as a result of letting go of resentment.

You could spend years waiting on an apology that will never come – and letting anger fester is a recipe for disaster THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM If you’re angry because of how someone has acted towards you, it’s worth bearing in mind that this is often a result of your personal expectations. You might think that KFC is an inappropriate place to end a relationship, but others can (and will) disagree. You could spend years waiting on an apology that will never come – and letting anger fester is a recipe for disaster.

Trainee counselling psychologist Sanjivan Parhar says that the ‘downward arrow technique’ can help get to the root of the problem. With the help of a therapist, you can “get to the core emotion that perpetuates thinking cycles,” by asking “why am I annoyed? And then what is this doing for me? What does this mean to me? Why is this important?” For example, the regular circling back on the famous KFC dumping of ’02 might

reveal that my friend had wanted to end their relationship before he did, but didn’t dare to do so, and the resentment she feels is directed at herself because she wasted years with someone she didn’t love.

HOW TO LET GO OF A GRUDGE • Journaling is an effective way to record your negative thoughts and reflect on them. You can also use this to collect ‘thought records’, a CBT technique that teaches you not to believe everything you think by evaluating your thought pattern from a logical perspective. Is what you’re feeling a fact, or just an opinion you have formed in your mind?

• Interrupt the thought with a mantra like “I can learn to forgive” or “I can let go of this grudge” and this will help you to create a new, positive thought pattern.

• Try reframing the situation. This is a “process to slow down your thinking and re-evaluate your automatic thoughts”, according to Sanjivan Parhar. Can you play devil’s advocate and explore the reasons why someone might have acted out? Cognitive reframing helps shift your thoughts and can change the meaning you’ve assigned to certain events.

Fiona is a freelance writer and author, whose book, ‘Depression in a Digital Age’, is out now. Visit fionalikestoblog.com for more.

May 2020 • happiful.com • 71

The perils of aesthetic health Why simply judging health by what we see can be damaging – or even deadly – for people with invisible conditions Writing | Maxine Ali

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Y

ou look so well.” I remember how my heart sank every time I heard those words, how they’d choke like a rotten old rag across my mouth, smothering any impulse to ask for help. Whenever a friend, a colleague, or some distant relative would say “You’re looking well” or “You look great”, it wasn’t gratitude or flattery that I felt. Instead, I’d feel invisible, like people were looking, but they didn’t really see.

The turmoil in my mind and body was a burden only I could know, coerced into secrecy by well-meaning comments from the wilfully oblivious. “Just once,” I remember thinking, “I wish someone would ask me how I am, rather than jumping to conclusions. Just once, I wish someone would let me acknowledge that I’m not OK.” “You look so well” is a seemingly harmless phrase, maybe even a compliment in the eyes of some.

We mean no ill when we tell someone they’re looking well; after all, it’s seen as the root of all good to look the picture of health.

But there’s danger in the way we conflate appearance with health, and assume someone is ‘fine’ just because they don’t look how we might expect a person in pain to appear.

Invisible health conditions are by no means rare. Around 80% of disabled people have hidden impairments, including those with physical conditions, such as asthma, hearing loss, or diabetes;

neurological disorders such as multiple sclerosis, epilepsy, or fibromyalgia; or mental health conditions such as ADHD, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, or an eating disorder. On the outside, people with invisible health conditions might appear well, they might even act it, too, but their internal reality is a different story.

Yet the stereotypical imagery of disability as someone with a markedly visible impediment, usually a wheelchair user or someone with a discernible mobility restriction, persists. >>>

There’s danger in the way we conflate appearance with health, and assume someone is ‘fine,’ just because they don’t look how we might expect a person in pain to appear

May 2020 • happiful.com • 73

A survey by the charity Crohn’s and Colitis UK found that 93% of the public said they would challenge a healthy-looking person for using accessible facilities, because they believe they are ‘standing up’ for the rights of disabled people. This means that people with invisible conditions are faced with the added anxiety of ‘proving’ their disability – an experience that can be intimidating and humiliating.

In fact, 29% of people in the survey said they’d been refused access to facilities because their conditions aren’t visible; 61% of negative experiences faced by people with invisible conditions when using accessible facilities included verbal and/or physical abuse; and 16% were made to feel worthless or ashamed for using an accessible facility.

Despite the old adage, people still tend to judge a book by its cover.

Our opinions of others are often informed by the way they look. We scroll through social media, barely glancing for more than a second at the endless stream of selfies from friends and strangers, captured at their best moments, and we think how perfect their lives must be.

We envy that single second captured on a small screen, creating a whole narrative for that person based on our observation, never stopping to think what troubles could be festering underneath.

Of course, people aren’t intentionally shallow. We don’t intend to be unfair when we’re so quick to judge. But society is steeped in appearance-led inferences, from whether 74 • happiful.com • May 2020

someone looks professional enough to qualify for a job, to whether someone looks repentant enough to avoid prosecution.

We’ve all been hoodwinked by this tyranny of aesthetics, and misled to trust first impressions before picking apart the unconscious biases behind them.

When you don’t look sick, more often than not you have to fight to be validated. You have to argue

your way to legitimacy, and make people ‘see’ your pain in order to be believed. Many people with mental illnesses, such as depression, anxiety, and eating disorders, fail to receive timely referrals and adequate mental health support because, in the eyes of health-care providers, they don’t look ‘sick enough’.

Aesthetic biases in health mean that people with invisible

We’ve all been hoodwinked by this tyranny of aesthetics, and misled to trust first impressions before picking apart the unconscious biases behind them

conditions often feel like they have to be visibly on the brink before anyone will take their health seriously, putting the lives and wellbeing of many in jeopardy.

I spoke to chronic illness blogger Natasha Lipman about the effect this can have on mental health.

“People, especially young people, living with invisible conditions, often face a huge amount of stigma,” says Natasha. “Because they don’t look sick, they often have to balance the fine line between constantly disclosing in uncertain circumstances in order to get their support needs met, and potentially facing disbelief, or even harassment.”

Natasha uses her online platform to address the oftenunconsidered emotional labour that accompanies living with a condition the rest of the world can’t see.

“The lack of understanding of invisible conditions can touch every aspect of someone’s life,

from being offered a seat on the Tube so they can get home safely, to having their access needs respected so that they can continue in work,” says Natasha.

“Having to beg for support and understanding, and feeling pressured to disclose private medical information – often to strangers – can be an incredibly challenging experience.”

There is a common mistaken assumption that those with invisible conditions are simply lazy or opportunistic, and this impacts how society responds to their requests for aid.

“I noticed a huge shift in how I was treated once I made my disabilities visible in public, versus quietly trying to push through as best I could,” Natasha adds. “Over time, this chipped away at my confidence and caused increased anxiety at the thought of having to navigate so many hurdles.”

The scrutiny and disbelief faced by people with invisible

conditions was also expressed by Game of Thrones actress Emilia Clarke, who recently opened up about her struggles with depression and recovery from two brain aneurysms. Writing in the mental health anthology, It’s Not Okay to Feel Blue (and other lies), compiled by activist Scarlett Curtis, Emilia said: “If only I had a cast on my leg or a patch over my eye, a sign that said CAREFUL, WARNING: THIS GIRL IS UNWELL, I might have seen the ways in which people are capable of showing compassion.”

The increased fetishisation of health also hasn’t helped matters.

With the rise of wellness as a trend and commodity, we’ve become so consumed with looking ‘healthy,’ so infatuated with performing self-care, that we’ve forgotten the importance of health, independent of how others see us. We’re more concerned about whether we look fine than whether we actually feel it. This presents a dilemma for people with invisible conditions, wanting to be heard and validated in needing support, while also clinging to the sense of value, praise, and privilege that comes from looking ‘well’.

There’s more to health than meets the eye. It’s about time we paid attention to how people really feel, believing them when they ask for help, and giving them a safe space to be open when things aren’t OK. Maxine Ali is a health and science writer, and linguist specialising in body talk and body image. Follow Maxine @maxineali or visit her website maxineali.com May 2020 • happiful.com • 75

How to take the dread out of the week ahead We’ve all been there – as Sunday night draws to a close, that creeping feeling of dismay takes over. But what if things didn’t have to be this way?

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford 76 • happiful.com • May 2020

W

hether you live to work or work to live, we’ve all had one of those weeks. Meetings stacking up, a big deadline (or five) coming up, or you just can’t face the thought of making small talk. We all feel dread for different reasons, but when it feels like a constant, underlying presence, it could be a sign that it’s time to take action.

SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS It could be something specific that has you worried, or a general feeling of overwhelm. Getting your thoughts in order and creating a plan for the days ahead should be your first step. By taking time to organise your workload, you’re creating a starting point to focus, and get your thoughts in order.

Creating a priority list can help you to get an overview of what you need to fit in, allowing you to take control of that overall feeling of worry, and break things down into more manageable tasks.

THINK LONG-TERM If you find yourself dreading the week ahead each time Sunday night rolls around, it could be a sign that you’re focusing on the short-term problems, rather than facing the bigger issues causing you distress.

Map out the parts of your week that have you worried, and look closer.

Why are you dreading a Monday morning meeting? Is there a colleague you don’t get on with, do you feel unprepared, or does it take a big chunk of your day that could be better used elsewhere?

Exploring the ‘why’ can help you decide next steps – and any underlying issues you may not have realised are adding stress.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF Looking after your physical health can have a big impact on your overall wellbeing. Small changes to your diet can improve your mood, sleep quality, energy levels, and even how well your brain functions. By reducing caffeine and alcohol, ensuring you’re staying hydrated, and reducing foods high in fat and sugar, you avoid temporary ‘feel-good’ highs followed by crashes that may leave you feeling worse.

If you struggle to cook during the week or rely on unhealthy (and overpriced) cafe food, try meal prepping. Batch cooking at the weekend can set you up for a less stressful week, while giving you a sense of achievement and control.

If you find yourself skipping the gym after a long day, try switching up your routine and go before work, or use part of your lunch break to go for a walk. Exercise can give your mood a natural boost.

By moving your workout to earlier in the day, there’s less chance for the day to take a turn for the worse before you’ve taken time to look after yourself.

DISCOVER YOUR BEST SELF-CARE ROUTINE How do you relax? When feeling stressed or overwhelmed, it can be easy to passively do things to ‘relax’ that might not be that rejuvenating. Do you really enjoy vegging on the sofa with back-toback episodes of the latest reality TV? Or are you just so exhausted that it’s become routine?

Creating a self-care routine that helps you to feel refreshed, and able to face the day ahead, is an important step in getting the most out of our downtime.

Those hours between the For more insight stress of and articles on how commuting, to love Mondays, and work, and avoid Sunday-night day-to-day anxiety, download life admin, our Happiful app. should be precious.

Try experimenting with different ways that help you feel relaxed. Some people find listening to podcasts can be a soothing and enriching way to switch-off. Others find trying meditation, practising mindfulness, or even relaxing in the bath with a good book, helps them to unwind.

There’s no right or wrong way to practise self-care; it’s all about finding what works for you.

PRACTISE SELF-COMPASSION Be kind to yourself. It’s OK if you haven’t got everything figured out.

Having a bad day (or week) doesn’t mean you are a failure. We can’t all get everything 100% right – nor can we be prepared for every eventuality.

If you find yourself experiencing automatic negative thoughts, doubting yourself, or practising negative self-talk, take a moment to reflect and ask: would I talk to a friend or colleague this way?

If someone I cared about was feeling down, how would I talk to them? Many of us are harsher on ourselves than we ever would be on loved ones. It’s time to challenge this.

It’s OK to feel the way you’re feeling. Acknowledging that you’re struggling is the first step towards making positive changes. With time, you can start taking back control and overcome that feeling of dread for the week ahead.

May 2020 • happiful.com • 77

“

You are enough just as you are – MEGHAN MARKLE

Photography | Sebastián León Prado

Panic attacks:

KNOW YOUR TRIGGERS Panic attacks are a common yet debilitating part of many people’s lives, but could knowing more about what triggers them help to stop them occurring, or even reduce their severity?

Writing | Claire Munnings

M

any of us have had first-hand experience of a panic attack. There’s that overwhelming sense of anxiety and rising panic that starts to take over every inch of your body, and then the sudden rush of breathlessness and spread of overbearing heat that you just can’t ignore.

Once someone has a panic attack, they become very anxious about having another one. This can cause a vicious cycle

They’re certainly not pleasant, but why exactly do they happen?

And could understanding this in greater depth help people manage their anxiety in practical ways?

The problem is that everyone is different, and there’s no one answer that fits every situation.

“Almost anything can be a trigger for a panic attack,” explains Dr Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic and My Online Therapy. “It may be a social situation where you feel exposed, the thought of an important meeting at work, or symptomsearching on the internet.

Anything that causes anxiety can act as the initial trigger, and it really depends on the person, and what kinds of situations provoke their anxiety, as to what this is.”

It’s thought up to a third of the population will experience

from a panic attack or anxiety disorder at some point in their life, but researchers are still trying to understand more about their causes.

Often they seem to come out of nowhere, and this can be confusing for those who feel they are usually in control of their emotions. Saying that, there are some common triggers to be aware of, such as crowds, the feeling of being trapped, and other situations which cause fear, as well as certain things that make you vulnerable to an attack, such as stress and alcohol.

The very thought of a panic attack can also initiate a downward spiral of worry. “What tends to happen is once someone has a panic attack, they become very anxious about having another one. This can cause a vicious cycle whereby the fear of having a panic attack becomes the trigger for the panic attack itself,” explains Dr Touroni. >>>

May 2020 • happiful.com • 79

COMMON TRIGGERS Dr Touroni explains some of the environmental and physiological things that can result in panicinducing anxiety…

CROWDS Crowds are exposing, which can bring up feelings of defectiveness and shame, alongside a sense of being ‘trapped’.

FEAR When someone is exposed to something they feel fearful about – whether that’s something like making a decision, or a recognised phobia – this can trigger the stress response in our body.

KEY LIFE EVENTS Significant life changes such as bereavement, losing your job, or becoming a parent can bring about feelings of uncontrollable anxiety, and result in panic attacks.

STRESS Stress itself is not a trigger.

However, the higher your stress levels, the more vulnerable you are. Stress heightens the overall experience of feeling like you’re under threat.

ALCOHOL Again, alcohol is a vulnerability rather than a trigger, tending to decrease our capacity to access our more healthy adult resources, and therefore lowers our resilience.

Alcohol can be a precursor, but it’s not a trigger itself.

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The important thing is to be kind and compassionate to yourself, and not to ignore what’s going on in your body or mind UNEXPLAINED PANIC Feeling overwhelmed certainly seemed to be a key trigger for Sarah Lloyd, a 42-year-old mother-of-two, who began having panic attacks in her 20s when an ever-increasing workload became too much.

“My first panic attack was in my office; I felt a huge wave of overwhelming emotion and warmth in my face, and I couldn’t breathe. I took myself off to a meeting room and sat there feeling helpless,” she says. “I always had trouble saying no, and was far too eager to please, so I’d find myself taking on more and more work, which exacerbated my stress.”

Things remained the same for Sarah for many years, even after a change of job, and the birth of her children brought postnatal depression, which created more anxiety-fuelled situations. Despite realising the impact stress had on her wellbeing, Sarah wasn’t able to put her finger on the specific circumstances that caused her panic attacks.

UNDERSTANDING MORE Sarah’s situation isn’t unique, and in her case a particularly bad panic attack made her reassess

her lifestyle, and look to make significant changes. Taking the time to learn more about her triggers helped her do this, and create a happier, more relaxed environment at home and work.

“I can now recognise my personal triggers,” she says. “It starts when I forget to breathe, or if I feel like I’m being pushed into something I don’t want to do.

“I also realised the attacks used to come in cycles – it was often the week before my period that I found myself unable to cope with situations,” she adds. “When I understood that played a part, I made a special effort not to book too much in the diary around that time, gave myself days to relax, and made an effort to be mindful about it. I also took the natural supplement ashwagandha to help stabilise my moods.”

For Dr Touroni, recognising your body’s reaction to certain situations and dispelling the fear around a panic attack is key.

“It’s about starting to interrupt the anticipatory anxiety, which is usually what maintains panic attacks,” she explains. “Remind yourself that while a panic attack can feel scary, it can’t harm you.”

COPING STRATEGIES: Feel a panic attack on its way? Try these tips…

RECOGNISE YOUR TRIGGERS So, how can you identify what causes your panic to build? “You need to start observing what happens in your mind and body as your anxiety levels rise,” Dr Touroni advises. “What thoughts are you having? What sensations can you feel? It’s also necessary to explore what about the situation makes you feel so vulnerable.

What are you frightened of?”

Most experts say the best way to do this is to keep a physical log.

Write down anything that may be important (including your sleep routine, what you’ve eaten, and how you’re feeling), and over time you may start to see a pattern.

Sarah agrees. “Keeping a diary was really useful for me. Try to notice when you start to feel out of control, and pay attention to your

USE BREATHING TECHNIQUES: Practices like the 4-4-4 technique (where you inhale for four counts, hold your breath for four counts, and exhale for four counts) that encourage you to focus on your breathing, can help to stop a panic attack in its tracks.

LEARN TO SILENCE NEGATIVE VOICES: Our inner voices have a lot to answer for, and can contribute to anxiety spiraling out of control. Try to reframe the negative thoughts in your head, and understand when they’re impacting your emotional wellbeing.

FOCUS ON YOUR SENSES: By paying attention to what you can feel, hear, see, smell and taste, you can help take your mind off your rising panic, and instead ground your body and mind in the here and now.

STEP OUT OF THE SITUATION: If you’re in a specific situation that is making you feel like a panic attack is imminent, try to step away. Even just getting some fresh air for two minutes can make a big difference.

breathing. We hold our breath far too much, and this can lead to us blocking the oxygen to the brain, which then triggers anxiety.”

Speak to family and friends too – they may have insight into your behaviour that even you haven’t realised. “My husband could always tell when I was heading for a break – I’d start to do this thing with my fingers,” Sarah says.

“Asking loved ones to help figure out when you’re about to spiral can be useful, especially if you don’t know where they come from.”

Once you can recognise this, you can start to put coping mechanisms in place.

“If I feel something coming, I now try to respond in a positive way by taking time to ground myself using a combination of cognitive therapies and breathing

exercises,” Sarah says. “I find breathing is the key; I try to recognise what my breath is doing, and get it back under control before anything happens.”

The important thing is to be kind and compassionate to yourself, and not to ignore what’s going on in your body or mind. Don’t be tempted to push your feelings under the rug, or fight against your panic – sometimes this can make things worse. As many experts advise, learning to live with your anxiety and understanding your panic attacks is the first step to helping overcome them.

Claire Munnings is a health and wellbeing journalist. She enjoys writing about how we can live more mindfully and introduce a sense of calm into our days.

May 2020 • happiful.com • 81

Happiful reads…

From to-do lists to weaning tips, we share four of this month’s unmissable new releases Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

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t’s been more than a decade since the final part in the Hunger Games trilogy hit shelves, and nearly five years since the quartet of box-office adaptations were fully released. Now, fans of the internationally best-selling sci-fi dystopia can celebrate, as a new novel set within the wider Hunger Games universe is due for release this May. Set in the year of the 10th annual Hunger Games (64 years before the main series), 18-yearold Coriolanus Snow prepares for his shot at glory as a mentor in the games. The once-mighty house of Snow has fallen on hard times, its fate hanging on the chance that Coriolanus will be able to outcharm, outwit, and outmanoeuvre his fellow students to mentor the winning tribute.

With the odds against him, as he is assigned a female tribute from District 12, the lowest of the low, his every choice could lead to favour or failure, triumph or ruin. Inside the arena, it will be a fight to the death. But on the outside, Coriolanus must weigh his need to follow the rules against his desire to survive – no matter what it takes.

Best known by fans as the president of Panem, and the main antagonist of the original trilogy, Coriolanus has, until this point, been an easy-to-dislike villain. With fans excited to once again delve into Collins’ impactful series, some have expressed concerns that the new book may look to gain sympathy for the series’ overarching villain, while revisiting tropes

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes Suzanne Collins (Out May 19)

(particularly that of star-crossed lovers) that have been used in previous books.

Others, though, are embracing this upcoming book for what it really is: the chance to revisit a beloved fictional world that they thought they had seen the last of. Here’s hoping this is the start of more exciting explorations into the wider Hunger Games world.

Must reads Mrs Hinch: The Little Book of Lists

by Mrs Hinch Out April 2 If you’re familiar with the Instagram cleaning sensation, Mrs Hinch’s latest book is a must-have to get your home (and thoughts) in order.

Filled with Hinch Lists and Fresh’n Up Fridays, along with Tadaa Lists to feel proud of, this book is set to make your days more productive.

Slime

by David Walliams Out April 2 From the number one best-selling author and comedian, kids aged seven to nine will love Slime.

The Isle of Mulch is run by horrible grown-ups; something needs to be done about them.

But who could be brave enough?

Meet Ned – an extraordinary boy with a very unique special power.

Wean in 15

by Joe Wicks Out May 14 Filled with weaning advice and 100 quick recipes, body coach Joe shares everything to take your baby from breastfeeding through to first foods, and family mealtimes.

Cutting through the confusion, Joe covers all you need to know to start prepping like a boss, and creating the foundations for a lifetime of happy, healthy eating.

As Nature Intended

As we all adopt a more solitary existence to help curtail the coronavirus pandemic, floral stylist and author of The Wild Journal: A Year of Nurturing Yourself Through Nature reveals how tapping into the natural world can boost our spirits and health – and you don’t even need a garden to embrace the benefits Writing | Gemma Calvert

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fter the birth of her first child, Willow Crossley experienced postnatal depression. Having quit London, where she worked as a fashion stylist, then a beauty journalist, she enjoyed two years in rural France, living with her nowhusband Charlie on a vineyard after the pair abandoned the city rat race in search of a more fulfilling life.

Feeling isolated in such a remote location fuelled the depression but, even at her lowest, Willow understood that the outdoors would be her saviour.

She persistently got outside to feel the fresh air on her face, and attempted to heal herself naturally. Then, after the birth of her third son, Kit, in 2015, when her mental health history

repeated itself, Willow’s midwife planted a seed of thought that truly changed everything.

“She told me to start walking and ‘look out and up,’” recalls Willow, who now lives in Oxfordshire where she runs a floral design business. “I’d drag myself out every day for a walk, but realised I was looking at the floor as I moved. Looking up at that huge sky suddenly gave me perspective.

There’s something about the fact that nature and the world is carrying on, irrelevant of what you’re going through. I found that quite uplifting and comforting.”

Since then, Willow has stuck to a commitment of doing something “kind” for herself every day, and building her relationship with nature. She says this is fuelled by a belief that to flourish as humans,

Nature Calls

Looking up at that huge sky suddenly gave me perspective. There’s something about the fact that nature and the world is carrying on, irrelevant of what you’re going through. I found that quite uplifting we need to be surrounded and immersed in nature, a concept is known as ‘biophilia’, from the Greek bios, meaning life, and philos, meaning loving, conceived in the 1960s by psychoanalyst Erich Fromm.

Indeed, research in January 2018

by King’s College London reported improvement to mental wellbeing lasting several hours after humans were exposed to trees, the sky, and birdsong. New studies also show that connecting with nature could improve memory >>> May 2020 • happiful.com • 83

and concentration, reduce blood pressure, and boost the immune system, largely because of essential oils released by trees and plants, called phytoncides.

“It’s why some doctors recommend going outside as a prescription. Being outside improves cognitive function, creativity, and brain power as well,” says Willow.

At a time when the government has put a lockdown in place in order to help prevent the spread of Covid-19 – at the time of print – we still have the opportunity to go outside once a day, providing a two metre distance between people is maintained. So although our time outside may be limited for now, here Willow shares her favourite ideas for reaping the rewards from nature, whether in a public space, a garden, using a window box, or even indoors.

Flower power Sowing seeds feels like magic.

You’re growing a living thing from a tiny seed and nurturing it. If you manage to make the flowers or plants live, it’s rewarding and gives you confidence to grow more. Spring is the perfect time to get started, and beginners should start with something simple like sweet peas and sunflowers. Start with small pots on your window sill, then transfer to plant pots as they grow. The cosmos flower is brilliant for children. It flowers within three days so little patience is necessary!

Get handy with herbs In these uncertain times, I want to be as self-sufficient as possible, 84 • happiful.com • May 2020

and herbs are a great place to start, whether you’ve got a garden patch or are using a window box.

As long as you’ve got enough light, water, and good drainage, they’ll thrive. Herbs add flavour to food and drinks, and have medicinal qualities. Rosemary is good for brain power, memory, and digestion. Boil the kettle and chuck a couple of sprigs into your mug. Just like chamomile, valerian is a good for promoting sleep. It’s very calming, which is useful right now.

Make arrangements Flower arranging is so mindful.

Right now, because of financial strain, you might not think that flowers are a necessity, but they are uplifting, and bring life to a house.

Take care of your flowers. First trim the strem bottoms, which will be sealed shut. Keep the flowers out of direct sunlight and drafts, and clean the water every couple of days. Also don’t forget presentation.

Pop some chicken wire in the bottom of a vase, poke in the stems, and build your arrangement.

Being outside improves cognitive function, creativity, and brain power as well

Put your phone down. You’ll feel like you can breathe again when you’re not endlessly scrolling.

Just ‘be’.

There are some brilliant gardening websites like, Gardeners’ World, who have easy-to-follow how-to videos to get you started.

Moon bathing Moonlight is a mix of sunlight, starlight, and Earthlight and, according to Ayurvedic beliefs, is very healing. While sunlight gives us light energy, moonlight is said to be calming and anxietyreducing. If it’s warm enough at night, lie on the grass in your garden for 30 minutes, or fling open your window and face the moon.

Dare to bare Taking your shoes and socks off and going barefoot on natural ground – grass, sand or soil – is said to help improve circulation, reduce inflammation, and normalise blood pressure. Just like the Earth, we’re made of ions and electrical currents, so think of the Earth as a giant battery powering life. By directly connecting with it, we can charge and rebalance our energy systems.

Early bird catches the worm I set my alarm to go off before my kids wake, to give myself 20 minutes just for me. Whether you’ve got kids or not, making time in the morning for yourself makes the day less panicked and rushed. If you’re now working from home, or can’t work because of the health pandemic, setting yourself a time to start the day will provide much-needed structure and schedule, and help you stay emotionally balanced.

Stars in your eyes Watching the night sky is a brilliant way to switch off. Although stars are more easily-seen in the countryside because there’s less light pollution, you can stargaze in urban spaces if you choose a clear night, and sit with your back to any source of light. The fact that star constellations are the same all over the world is very grounding.

Try downloading star-gazing apps like Star Walk and Google Sky to understand the formations you’re seeing.

Freshen up Indoor air can be up to five times as polluted as outdoor air, which for people with allergies and asthma can be very damaging. Start to reduce air pollution in your home by choosing non-scented candles (go for beeswax, vegetable and soy), opening the windows in every room for 15 minutes daily to help air circulation (even when it’s raining outside), and invest in plants like bamboo palm, spider plant, and Barbados aloe vera, which draw chemicals from the air, and stop inside air from getting too dry.

Isolation fuels low mood, so call a friend to tell them about the positive activities you’re doing – the birds you can see from your window, the book you’ve read, or the flowers you’ve arranged.

Get well oiled A bath is always a cherished luxury, and adding natural bath oils, which are said to help the body release toxins, brings nature into your home. Many of us have got a bit more time on our hands right now, so experiment with concoctions. Try bergamot for moments of self-doubt, neroli for uplifting the spirits, and lavender for soothing tension.

Eat from the earth To achieve instant nourishment from nature, eat as healthily as you can. When I eat processed and sugar-laden food, I feel sluggish and lacking in energy. Treat yourself with the same kindness as the herbs and seeds you’re nurturing, and reach for plenty of fruit and vegetables. I recently realised the direct effect of sugar on my body function, the state of my skin, and my mood. Munch on nuts and dried fruits instead of that chocolate bar!

‘The Wild Journal: A Year of Nurturing Yourself Through Nature’

by Willow Crossley (Pan Macmillan, £10.99) is out now.

May 2020 • happiful.com • 85

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TRUE LIFE

From confidence crisis to transformation coach Following the birth of her son, Hayley Austin found herself extremely anxious and stressed, isolating herself and losing her confidence.

But thanks to a fresh start in 2013, she had the opportunity to create her own business, and discovered the power of coaching Writing | Hayley Austin

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t was in May 2012, after the birth of my son, that my entire world changed. Having my son gave me a purpose again, and I had a massive light bulb moment. I felt love, and the need to protect, and a sense of purpose. Sadly, it was also when my anxiety went through the roof...

I was born in the Lake District in 1980, but didn’t stay there very long. My mum moved us to the Isle of Man, and I lived there until I was around four years old. I witnessed my mum being abused, and the shouting used to make me cry at night.

Mum couldn’t afford food on some occasions, as my dad was bad with money, and after my brother was born, she decided to do

a moonlight flit back to the Lake District, where I stayed until I was 22. I never saw or heard from my birth father again – he just didn’t want to know me. It was his choice.

I’d been working in the hospitality industry until I decided to leave home in 2002 to start a new life down south. But it wasn’t the fresh start I’d hoped for, and the next 10 years weren’t easy. I had my fair share of bad decisions, failures, and a divorce. So I put all my energy into my career.

I used to be one of those stressed out employees.

I had travelled the world with different highpressured jobs, and like many of us, I dreamt of having a happy and successful life.

When I hit my early 30s, I decided my previous marriage had failed and started a new relationship.

In 2011 I became pregnant, and was dating the financial director.

The company I worked for we’re not best pleased about our relationship, and I ended up having to leave work early while pregnant as my stress levels went through the roof.

Anxiety was here, and it was here to stay – well, that’s what I thought at the time. During my pregnancy, I was crippled with anxiety and stress. I was too afraid to go out.

I was frightened that someone would attack, hurl abuse, or follow me.

On occasions I would have to pull over in my car as

the first signs of a panic attack started to bubble under the surface. I had created many fears in my mind, and to me they were real, my reality.

These panic attacks went on for years after having my son, and I stopped myself from driving on the motorway as I was so afraid for my life, as I’d convinced myself that I was going to crash. This was a fear I developed during my worst stage of anxiety. I stopped socialising, and only had a handful of friends. I constantly found excuses to stay in with my son instead.

While my son was still a baby, I was also going through a court case – suing my employer for pregnancy discrimination. >>> May 2020 • happiful.com • 87

Hayley found that finding a purpose with her work made all the difference to her outlook

I had created many fears in my mind, and to me they were real, my reality Then there was also my divorce from my ex-husband. It’s not surprising I was stressed and anxious! So at the time when I should have been enjoying spending time with my son, instead I was lonely and had lost my confidence. My former self was gone.

88 • happiful.com • May 2020

But then an opportunity arose in 2013, when my family had to transfer to Yorkshire for my husband’s job. It felt like our opportunity to start our life again. I had the idea to start my own network marketing business, so I wouldn’t miss watching my son

grow up. I quit my senior management position at my corporate job, and built the business from the ground up. I could make new friends and connections, and put all my corporate management skills to good use. My business was booming.

I’d been handling a team for about four years, but always felt that there was something missing. I had to find a bigger why – a meaningful purpose. This is where I discovered complementary alternative medicine (CAM) coaching. I decided to train with the UK Life Practice in Hitchin.

Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) CAM coaching uses the premise

that our life experiences are based on our interpretation of the world around us. Thus, if we change our programming, we therefore change our experience of life.

When we change our thought patterns, we not only change our reaction towards events, we also change our overall actions and behaviour. NLP gives you back the power, and provides you with tools to make instant changes in your life.

I learnt about how the brain responds to memories. Neuroplasticity is the change in neural pathways and synapses that occurs due to certain factors, like behaviour, environment, or neural processes. During these

Hayley is an NLP life transformation coach, author, tutor, and educator. Find out more at hayleyaustincoaching.com

changes, the brain engages in synaptic pruning, deleting the neural connections that are no longer necessary or useful, and strengthening the necessary ones.

When creating these neural pathways, the brain doesn’t know if the memory was real or created. I learned this in NLP, and how to break down neural pathways to rewire the brain.

Today, I am a fully-certified life transformation coach, author, educator, and tutor. After two years of hard work and dedication, I was offered a position as an online tutor at Mark Shields’ UK Life Practice.

The academy is awardwinning, and now I help to educate future life coaches. With a renewed sense of focus, my clients will be able to let go of any

limiting beliefs and move forward with a clear sense of purpose and confidence.

Becoming an author has been a great achievement for me as well, and a platform for me to reach out to help others who have gone through struggles.

I wrote my book Freedom from Anxiety as a personal development book, with tools and strategies to take on anxiety and win. I’m so pleased to say that I’ve finally found my passion.

And it’s a passion with purpose.

Perfection is a word that is thrown around a lot – the perfect life, the perfect family – but there’s no such thing. Everyone has their ups and downs on the rollercoaster of life. What’s important is how you respond to events in life.

We all look at the world differently, and I’ve learned that I need to stand by my own beliefs because it’s not my job to satisfy everyone’s needs.

Who knows what life will throw at me next, but I am

ready to take the journey of life head on and win – free from anxiety, and free from stress.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Hayley’s story is testament to the fact that we all have the possibility – and indeed the ability – to change. Her journey involved many twists and turns. What she learnt was that taking care of herself would ultimately enable her to help others.

Anxiety affects many in society – and it doesn’t discriminate. As Hayley discovered though, by using practices such as NLP, we can lessen that anxiety, even making it disappear for good. Our brains are designed to evolve and learn. If you find yourself suffering from anxiety like Hayley did, reach out – your solution could be just around the corner!

Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach

May 2020 • happiful.com • 89

Mental health matters

Mental health matters to me because… it’s a universal experience. It’s one of the few things that we can all understand, relate to, and empathise with.

There’s a massive difference in my belief system, characteristics, and personality depending on whether I’m experiencing good or bad mental health. In the good times, I find it easy to bring my A-game, overcome challenges, and believe in my future. In the not-so-good times, I feel as if I’m in survival mode, passively going through life.

The moment I felt most proud of myself was… the day I started living my truth.

I would say to anyone struggling with their mental health that… you’re stronger than you think.

You’ve survived every-single-one of your bad days. There is no good without bad, better days are ahead – if you believe there are. I know you are doing the best you can, and I believe in you.

When I’m lacking motivation I… remember that motivation is what gets you started, but passion is what helps you see it through. So I remind myself of why I wanted to do it in the first place.

The best lesson I’ve learned in life is… not to take things so personally. I spent the majority of my life being angry at people, because I believed they consciously choose to discriminate against me for being transgender, and/or a person of colour, when the reality was a lot of it was unintentional ignorance. Fortunately, we live in a time where people are holding themselves more accountable for their bias, but we all need to hold space for the fact that people are still unlearning.

For anyone struggling with their gender identity, I’d say… identity is complex, and there is no one-sizefits-all solution. I’m still finding myself, where my masculinity/ femininity sits, and how much surgery I want to undergo.

Follow Kenny on Instagram @kennyethanjones and visit kennyethanjones.com

My best advice is this: if it’s making you happy, keep going, and anything else, push away.

It’s important to understand what’s actually you versus what society expects from you. Ask yourself: if nobody was watching or judging, what would my identity look like?

It’s so important to make menstrual healthcare inclusive because… the bottom line is: this is a health matter. Every person deserves to be informed on their health in a way that aligns with their gender identity. For me, I felt alienated, like periods shouldn’t be a part of my lived experience, which made me avoid learning about them. This meant I wasn’t equipped to take care of my health, and reinforced that the subject was taboo.

My advice on how to be a strong trans ally is… to share our content, enforce asking for pronouns, be aware of your privilege, and help uplift our voices, check-in and offer your support, and educate yourself on our experiences.

Photography | @Alex_cameron

Model, activist, and entrepreneur, Kenny Ethan Jones is no stranger to putting himself out there to encourage open and respectful conversations, making history as the first trans man to front a period campaign. Here he shares his insight on how we can protect our mental health and, crucially, how we can all be better trans allies

“

Some people look for a beautiful place. Others make a place beautiful

Photography | Sarah Noltner

– HAZRAT INAYAT KHAN

December 2018 • happiful • 91

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